KT #788 - WHEELER WALKER JR + SAM TRIPOLI

Hey this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHangeCliff.com for everything the GoldenPony TonyHangeCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives, huh? Yeah, Brian Wright's family is the devil man. And that is the best damn man in the way in the Killtony band. Fernando Castillo, Raul Baléjo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Tresletches. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums ladies and gentlemen. A whole lot of Latinos over there. We have the great and powerful missile strike, Matt Muleing on the electric guitar. The great John D's on the keys. And believe it or not, this man right here, that's the great de-madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, we got quite the hoot nanny lined up for you here tonight before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right, before we get into it, I gotta tell you guys about something. We just launched Killtony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to Killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters. Go to Killtony supercast.com. All right, back to the show. 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One of them is one of my favorite country rock musicians in the world. The other is one of the best comedians in the world. The first guy to ever let me open for him on the road 19 and a half years ago. I consider him a big brother in stand-up comedy. Again, the other one, not only is the rock star, he is what I believe the funniest musician in the world on top of one of the greats. Your two guests tonight, ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise to the great Wheeler Walker Jr. in Sam Tripoli. Oh, yeah. Wheeler Walker Jr. The great Sam Tripoli. My man, Sam. Welcome Sam Tripoli. There you are. We're doing it. He's got World War debate, and a brand new 30-minute special on gas digital. He actually wears his own merch, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Sam Tripoli has arrived. Jordan wore his own sneakers. Why can't I wear my own shirt? That's right. You're killing it Sam and make some noise for the return of Wheeler Walker Jr. ladies and gentlemen. His brand new album Pull and Out is available everywhere and the Pull and Out tour starts I believe in two weeks. You can get tickets for that at Wheeler Walker Jr.com. We are so excited to have you guys. You guys both know how this crazy shit works. Over 250 innocent souls signed up to perhaps get the opportunity to perform one minute on this stage and then an improvised interview takes place. If I pull their name out of the bucket, you know, there's 60 seconds of uninterrupted time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rootly interrupts their set and then anything can happen. I conduct an interview. The whole show's improvised. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? I'm gonna let this I'm gonna let this porn start looking library and nerd pick the first name and while we wrangle that bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain ready to perform a brand new minute to start tonight show. He is I do believe statistically the newest golden ticket winner. This is his first time ever cashing in, which means it's his second time on this show. Now what you've seen in this new era of Killtony is that a golden ticket winner can become a regular. A golden ticket winner can get downgraded and barely used ever again after that. If they struggle, it's tough living out here. Very competitive era of Killtony. Ladies and gentlemen, making his first appearance as the golden ticket winner makes a noise. A brand new minute from Shane Camp, everybody. Here we go! I would like to dedicate this to Glenn. In 2009, a man named Glenn went missing and now I have 14,000 followers on Instagram. How are you? Now I've written the two most important jokes that I have ever written. They are so important that I have kept them locked away in a safe in my closet next to a couple of keyweeds. Now I've got cash money, $300. Who likes to gamble? Because the first joke will get a standing ovation. Any takers? Come on, $300. For this to work, I kind of. Anybody? Anybody? $100. $100. View, sir! The first joke will get a standing ovation. The second joke I dare not tell. It's dangerous. It's too dangerous. That's why I've kept it locked away in a safe in my closet next to a couple of keyweeds. So I will not tell the second joke. Please, Tony, don't make me tell the second joke. I will get canceled. It's just too much at risk. All right here we go. Here, please, like me. Dating is hard out there. Am I right? Oh, all the apps, nobody ever looks like their profile picture. It's especially hard for me. I've been married for 12 years. She just started working from home. Now, we've been together a long time. I love my wife. If something were to ever happen to her, I don't know what I would do. Probably run from the cops, hide out at buddies. house way to the dust settles. Fun fact about my wife, she is deathly allergic to kiwis. If she even so much as touches a kiwi, she will die. Which is why I keep a couple of kiwis in a safe of my closet. For protection when she's on her period or she gets mouthy, I'll just put them in my pocket and just crisis averted. Oh, now I don't want this to affect your decision to give me a staining ovation, but anyone who gives me a staining ovation will get a Glenn refrigerator magnet. I have enough for everybody. So no one's standing. The joke is over. No one. You get to keep that $100, sir. No, give it to the bartender or something, but I lost fair and square. So that was my joke. Please don't make me tell the second joke. I will get canceled. You know what? I think we need the second joke. I don't want to interrupt your time here, but I've got to have that. All right. God. What kind of car did the Asian eye doctor drive? A catarach. Whoa, partial staining ovation from the crowd. Absolutely incredible. Whoa. This is standing, dear hitting wheeler in the back of the head with a bass guitar. Sit down, B. Jesus Christ. D madness of all people committing to the joke. Absolutely wild. Shane, those better not be real hundreds. Not my money, Tony. OK, where'd you get it from? My brother gave it to me. Your brother gave you $100 bills to give out? Yeah, he gave me a thousand. OK, well, just stop giving them to people. You hold on to those. You're going to need them. I don't think that catarach joke is going to pay the bills, exactly. I think I heard that when I was like, it's one of my first favorite jokes when I was a little kid. Wait, is that already a joke without a doubt, Shane? You must be kidding, right? You think of brain damage. I don't remember anything from the last few years. It's all good. The rest of the rest of your set, I love, I love the brain damage. You're so odd and confident at the same time. Where do you go to write in like cemeteries or something? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm in a van in a cemetery, so I don't set foot on them. Wheeler Walker Jr. Am I the only one who thinks that the intro wasn't long enough? Too much jokes, too much jokes. It was a lot of setup, but again, I like your oddness. There's something about it. You had me at the edge of my seat. I thought the Kiwi thing was the joke, but it turns out that wasn't even the joke. You accidentally were funnier in the middle of your joke than at the end of the joke. I thought that deserved a standing ovation. It was no accident, Tony. Wow. You are a true professional, Shane. What else do you have in that little briefcase? I'm guessing a lot of Glenn Magnitz. No, those are backstage, which by the way, I will be outside giving them. Tony. Yes. I got something here for you. Is it $700 cash? Because, according to my math. Sorry about that Wheeler. Sorry about that. It is a $20 bill, and it is a personalized Glenn pen. Okay. The pen has your name on it, and it was supposed to have a quote with the pen people freaking screwed it up. It does have my name on it, and a picture of Glenn. Yeah. That's just for you. What does the $20 bill have to do with anything? Well, if you take me on the road open for you, there's plenty more where that came from. (Laughter and applause) Wow. Wow. What an incredible deal. This is an amazing deal. You are on your way to a superstar, and you understand how show business works. You give me $20 bills, and I make you vassums of money. It's called trickle-down economics, everybody, a very slow trickle. The pyramid scheme of comedy. Yeah. $20 at a time. Work some strippers. That's right. That's right. And I have to take my clothes off, and I just like everybody else. I take my pants off, just like everybody else. I jump out all at once. Shane, how's your life changed since winning a golden ticket a few weeks ago? Obviously, you have vassums of money now, you have a suit. I mean, you've really gone for it. I think you've invested all in on yourself. It appears. Well, my life has completely changed since winning the golden ticket. The biggest thing that's changed, Sydney Sweeney knows who I am. Whoa. She watches the show. Wow. Yeah, and so can I get a close-up? Yeah. Yep. Sydney, I want you to ask Scooter to leave the room and lock the door. Now, put your face real close to the camera or the-- I'm so-- put your face close to the screen. Don't say anything, Sydney. What can I say? I got famous too late. You're with Scooter. Crazy. But, Sydney, this is a personal invitation. I want you to come to the show sometime. Hang out with me in the green room. Please leave Scooter at home. In fact, I have a second cell phone just for Sydney Sweeney. It is an active line. So, Sydney, if you're out there and you want to come to the show, just dial 850-266-0785. I love your work, Sydney. I'll see you soon. Wow. That's amazing. Shane Camp. You're about to have so many overweight 40-year-old dudes calling you. It's going to be incredible. Hey, yeah, yeah. This is Sydney Sweeney. You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket, right? Did Sydney Sweeney like you and you writing jokes about killing your wife start at the same time? Well, actually, this is true. A week after my appearance, Scooter and Sydney were reportedly having issues. Coincidence? Yes. That's amazing. That is amazing. Shane, what a way to get the show started with your odd, amazing style. The great Shane Camp has cashed in his golden ticket. I love it. I love it. It's one of our odd dust. And I like having a few odd ducks in our little petting zoo that we have. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our first bucket pool of the night. This is where we find all of our talent or lack there of talent. Sometimes it's a crazy person that just wants some attention. Sometimes it's the next big star. Your first bucket pool of the night getting an uninterrupted minute and then an interview goes by the name of Curtis Parks. Everybody, here we go. [APPLAUSE] Hello, hello. Any parents out here? Yeah, yeah. I'm a new dad. I'm a new dad. I'm trying to be a good dad, too. But sometimes being a good dad comes out like a bad cop. I'm chasing this toddler round. Just like, hey, what's in your hands? I said stop. Show me your hand. I said stop. Oh, did you swallow it? Oh, you didn't do nothing? Then what's you running for? And then I shoot him. And that's just to play my child. He's OK. He'll be-- he's three quarters white. He's-- all that you do, the racial arithmetic later. But he'll be just fine. I don't know if you guys know, but white people are doing just fine right now. They're the only ones with space ships, you know? You know anyone ethnic with a rocket ship? No. Not even certified pre-owned, nope. I'm going to wait. Thank you. I'm Curtis Parks. Thank you very much. 54 seconds from Curtis Parks. Curtis, this is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Welcome. How long have you been to in stand-up? Ah, it's in early 2000s. Like a one or something, yeah? OK, where out? Where did you start out? Florida, you know, went to Florida State. And then New York, you know, I was up there. We kind of like-- kind of realize now I like kind of half-assed it. I only did a little bit, you know, get it here and there, you know? But yeah, I'm trying to hit it really hard now. Now I got a kid. You know, I want to really do it for real now. I love it. How old is the kid? Five. Five years old. And you still with the baby mama? Ah, no, sir, no, sir, no. OK, what happened there? What happened with the baby mama? Sam Tripoli loves single fathers. He is one. -You're right. -It's amicable, it's good, you know? We're good. -Yeah, that's-- -That could be-- could be better, but-- -Right. -Definitely could be worse. Definitely could be worse, is there, but no, it's good. -Absolutely. I love it. So, there's the five-year-old with you full-time, or you just get it on weekends, or-- -Yeah, we kinda split. He's with his grandmother right now, 'cause we both work on the road sometimes, so, like, right now, he's with his grandmother in Pensacola. -What does the mom do? Where she works on them? -We're both, like, hired guns for brands. So, I travel all the time. We both travel. So, like, I mean, we-- we used to travel with the kids, so, I mean, that's how-- that's how we taught him numbers, like, in the elevators and hotel numbers, like, "Oh, what's three?" You know, so, "Oh, now he's about to be in school, so I'm trying to get off the road." -Okay. -He's a good kid. -All right. Good kid. -No learning disabilities or anything. -It seems like-- -Oh, it seems like all the kids nowadays, everyone's autistic or as a helmet or something. -No, I'm really-- No, I'm really lucky, you know. He's a healthy kid. He swims great. He's, you know, he's a Floridian kid. Like, "No, he's good. He's good." He could do-- he could do a three-point turn in his power wheel before he could talk, you know? He's already better than most Floridian drivers. He's great. He's great. -Yeah. -I love it. I love it. Now, what have you been doing for work this whole time, Kurt? -Like, I'm a hired gun for brands. I got travel and do, like, you know, what does that mean, exactly? Last time someone said this, last time someone said they were a hired gun for brands, it turns out they give out samples at a Costco after-- After I did a lot of digging, we ended up literally finding out, he's like, "Well, I give out samples at Costco. You're a hired gun for brands." -I've done that, but I started, you know, like-- -You wait, you do that? -No, no, no, no, no. I have. But, no, I'm a tour manager, so, like, if it travels, like, I did a, like, I did a, like, a mobile bar for a big brand that everybody knows. Like, a big bar, you know, I did that. I was in a spirits brand. Like, I did a lot of, like, alcohol and, like, liquor and rum. But that also hurt my stand-up, because, like, you know, when you're working with beer or walking with a liquor stand-up. [ Laughter ] -Fair, fair. I'll take that. I'll take that. -I think Pedro Pascal stole your everything, dude. That's what I do. -Yeah, he did. He did. -That guy's out there with the same exact head and body, just fucking making it. -I'm showing you ketchup, man. -You're out there teaching your kid numbers with hotel rooms and shit. -That's all you-- there's something missing here. This is incredible, Curtis. -No, that's great. -You have a girlfriend now? -Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm over that. You're a good looking-- what do you mean? You're over women? -I want to focus on my kid and really put my effort into stand-up. I really, you know, like, like, listen to you on podcasts or Joe, I realized I was not doing as much work or not doing as much writing. Like, I did pretty good in New York, but I literally just did a little bit. Now, I'm like, I really want to hit it hard right every day. -I love it. -Like, I even saw Shane after he won that golden ticket in Pensacola and won the things he said after his set. He's like, I can outright him. Well, like, that's what you got to do. You just got to write every day. -That's what he got to do. -What's that thing on your necklace? -Oh, it's like a gift, you know? So, you know, I'm part Filipino. So, like, I associate with my Hawaiian island people. You know, it keeps me good luck on my travels. -So, what is it? -It's the Hawaiian hook. You know the Hawaiian fish hook? -Oh, okay. -Okay. -Okay. -Now, Red Band thinks you're gay, though. That's-- Red Band's one joke on everybody is that they're gay. -Oh, thank you. Think. I'll think there's a compliment. -It's a compliment. -If you're not fat and disgusting, he assumes you're gay. That's Red Band's entire-- That's his range, as we call it. Curtis, do you have any special skills or talents or hobbies or anything? You seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to do that. -DJ, too? -Whoa! DJ! -Oh, my God. What's your DJ name? -Turtis. Whoa! What's your DJ name? -Curtis. Just Curtis with an X instead. -You know, really? -Whoa! -I'm with Red Band now. -Curtis. -Curtis. -DJ, Curtis. -Curtis with an X? -Yeah, yeah. -Wow, that is so cool. -I've been on stage. I did theater. I did Shakespeare. -Wait, the X is at the end of Curtis. -Yes, instead of an S with an X, yeah, that's it. -Okay. -Curtis. -Curtis. -Yeah, Curtis. -Did you just go with your first idea that you had? You're like, "What's the DJ name? Curtis will work. Let's go with that." -Who works? Who works? -No reason to think about it anymore. -What'd you name your kid? -Miko. -Miko. -Miko doesn't have to. [ Laughter ] -He was conceived with my ex, but, yeah. -Oh, hell, yeah. Look at that. -Quick, quick, quick, quick, boy. -So, your half Filipino? What's the other half, Curtis? -Cocasia and Missouri Country Boy. You know, he's joined the Navy to see the world. And you don't get much further from Missouri than Tokyo. And that's where I was born. -How about the baby, Mama? She's a white lady. -Yeah, I know you do the racial arithmetic later. Yes, yes. -What? -That's what I said. He was like, three-quarters white, the joke earlier. -I don't even know what race you are. -I'm actually a baby. -You've checked other. It depends on who you're -- -I'm back. -If I says here, you're Filipino, right? -Yeah. -But if someone else here, you're -- -You look like -- -Yeah, you know, it depends on what it is. You know, like, you know, my driver's license. I'm a Caucasian. You know, my scholarship applications. I was a Pacific Islander. You know, it depends. -You could be anywhere. You could be the ice agent or in the back of the car, you know. -Curtis, I like your style, man. Keep writing. Keep going. Here's a medium-joke book. You did it. There you go. Curtis Parts. Get tonight's show, start it out of the bucket, representing a man of the people, one of the 250, the first one pulled tonight. There he goes. -Curtics, everybody. Curtis Parts. AKA DJ Curtis. Oh, there's such a fucking yawning in the front row. The show just got started, a little [bleep] Jesus Christ, pick it up. Get a red bull or something, you fucking homo. That's what you love to see. You look out, just a guy in the front row to -- [shouting] Tired-ass bitch. You yawning, again, I'm switching you with somebody in the back row. I'll move a whole couple up from the back. Get your yawning ass out of the front. Yawning ass, look at you. You're looking at tired ass, stupid toothpaste. Look at ass. You like beef sticks? I love beef sticks, Tony. Well, that's great, because tonight's sponsor is Mary Weather Farms natural beef sticks. I love beef sticks, also, Tony. Nobody asked you, Red Band. You look like your blood type is beef stick broth bullion. Oh, come on. These aren't gas station beef sticks. They're made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or out of hormones. Mm-hmm, that's right. Real American beef. Not some imported mystery to made from retired circus animals in the floor of a bus station. 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All right, your next fucking poll goes by the name of Frank Kidd. Everybody, here we go, Frank Kidd. How's it going? Hey, I try not to be sexist but growing up in this day and age is kind of hard sometimes in this society. I'll give you an example. One time I was at work and I was talking to my female co-worker and she told me she thinks modern day feminism is like female terrorism. And my first thought was, wow, that's a lot of internalized massage and you got to work through cis. And then my second thought was, what's female terrorism like 9/11, but they miss, is that? Is that what female terrorism? I'm just asking ladies, is that? You try to hit the twin towers and land the Pacific Ocean, is that female terrorism? Is that it? Y'all know how a white guy would be about to get into a fight and he's like, you're going to be sorry when you find out who my dad is. How about that's a Jewish guy and he's like, you're going to be sorry when you find out who my uncle is. You're going to be sorry when you find out who my cousin is. You're going to be sorry when you find out who my second cousin twice removed dog sitter is. The CEO of Viacom, actually. You know, I think anti-Semitism is ridiculous. Keep going, I want to hear the end of this, keep going, keep going. I think anti-Semitism is ridiculous. It's kind of crazy because you can kind of invent whatever you want. Does people that believe that Jewish people have a giant space laser that controls the weather? That's insane, right? Because that would require you also to control space. Space is part of the weather. So why wouldn't there be a Gaza-sized meteor hurtling towards Earth? They would say to themselves, look, I'm not on their side. I'm just trying to say that would save them a lot of trouble. Thank you. Frank Kid, closing strong. With an interesting conspiracy theory that Sam, this is your specialty. What do you think, if they control the weather, when they control the weather for sure? What makes these things. How do you say that? How do you know? New York gets a lot of rain, isn't that where they are? (audience laughs) - I mean, it's just been proven. I mean, there's just (laughs) - Wouldn't you want me to pull up fucking the internet, dude? That's what I fucking do, juice run the weather. - They put a lot of pollen in there, though. It seems like they're natural enemy. That's kind of a little wrench in that theory. - It's a really good point. - She's the show thing twice. - She's running the weather because of pollen? - I don't know. I wouldn't put that in there if I was them, just saying. - You know. (audience laughs) - Are you about to debate? - They shot down a satellite above Iran, and they finally got rain. I mean, it's like, this isn't fucking mystery, boys, but, you know, I mean, I could break it down for you guys if you really got about. - Frank kid, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? That was a great set. - About four years. - We're at, which part of Detroit exactly? (audience laughs) - Just kidding, Atlanta. Where are you from Atlanta? (audience laughs) I'm actually from Saskatchewan. Nah, I'm fucking. Houston? - No, I started in Baton Rouge and then came here. - Oh, nice. - Yeah, okay. - Awesome. - And what do you do for work? - Amazon, you know? - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. - Not where you're from. What do you do for work? - No, I-- (audience laughs) - This guy. - Can I interrupt for one second? - Yes, absolutely. The great Wheeler Walker Jr. - I'm wearing shades. Is there a guy right here? (audience laughs) Frank, I like your style. How old are you, Frank? - 25. - Nice, 25. You started at 21. You're right on pace. You're living the dream. How do you like Austin, Texas? - Oh, it's pretty good. A lot of homeless, but you probably hear that like 20 times a night here. - Yeah. - But yeah, it does speak to, you know, the severity of the problem, you know? - Which is? - A lot. It's very severe. (audience laughs) It's very severe. - They're also right here. They're right where all the comedy clubs are. - I thought you'd walk in and I was like, he just walks in like this? - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm at home here. I know all of them. They're all my friends. - He what? - I got them on my side. I'm like the guy when it goes to prison, you go to the biggest guy. That's what I do with the homeless. - All their names are right in there. - Yeah, they're all here. These are my people. Every time I see a homeless person, I'm like, "Toni, I've been signing up for eight weeks." (audience laughs) - Oh, here's a $20 bill and a pen with my name on it. (audience laughs) - Frank kid, tell us something interesting about your life that would surprise us. You seem interesting. You seem like a cool black guy that also has conspiracy theories and kind of a white perspective. Were you adopted by white parents? - No, I was not adopted by white parents. - You were raised by your grandmother? - No, I was. (audience laughs) - Just gonna keep guessing here. (audience laughs) - No, I was raised by my parents in Virginia. It was Northern Virginia, so it was like a nice air. - That makes sense. That makes sense. That checks out. What do you do for fun? What are you up to, Frank kid? - Play basketball. Somebody tried to pull a gun where I was playing basketball the other day. That was pretty. - Was it you? - No, I wasn't. (audience laughs) - No. (audience laughs) - What happened? Take us through the process here. So these two guys started arguing and then I was trying to get in the middle of it. And as I was talking to one guy, the other guy walked the length of the court, grabbed his backpack and reappeared with his hand in his bag as I turned around. - This is a scene out of white men can't jump. I've seen this movie. I got friend Woody Harrelson. - And I was trying to be tough, but I also don't want to get shot. So I was just like walking away as I was like, "Hey, bro, chill out, y'all ain't got to do all that." Yeah, you can chill out, bro. I just kept disappearing. - Right, what was the argument about? Somebody was fouling or something like that? - Probably something like that. - You weren't even listening? - Every day, no, it's-- - Damn. - Whenever something happens, you just gotta, it just what happens. It comes with a territory. - Absolutely not all about it. - Tony knows what I'm talking about, Tony. - I hoop all the time. I be getting guns pulled on me all the time. (audience laughs) - Can I say-- - The way he talks trash dudes, he's got the look, he's got the delivery with some jokes. I think this guy could be a comedian. (laughs) - No, you're spot on, he's got it. The 9/11, but Miss, very funny, anti-Semitism, very interesting. You had me on the edge of my seat there. - That was great. - Yeah. (audience laughs) - What's your love for life, like Frank? What kind of big booty bitches are you hookin' out there? (audience laughs) - My girlfriend is actually pretty thin. - Really? - And she's black. And she's black. - Whoa, I don't even think I'm dating a white woman. I wanna put that out there. - Oh my goodness gracious. - Wow, where did you meet this beautiful, skinny black woman? (audience laughs) - They got a black dating app. - Oh my God, what's the black dating app called? This is incredible. - It's called BLK, but half of them are like, fat white women looking for black people. - Oh my God, can you look this up? Can you look up BLK for me? I did not know there was a black dating app. Can you use it with any cell service or does it have to be cricket wireless? (audience laughs) How does BLK, I've never heard of BLK before. This is so exciting. - Is it only? - I told the secret, I shouldn't have my bad. - My bad, I shouldn't have let him know. - Oh, you know about this time. - My bad, my bad. - Oh, they're letting the secret out. - Oh shit. - D madness, are you on BLK? You out there catfishing these bitches? (audience laughs) - I know I told you I could see bitch. (audience laughs) - Look, I play in the Killtony band. You wanna come to a show or something? - Oh my God, wow. - Let's read the reviews, do we have any reviews? Let's see the one star reviews on the BLK app. - And this motherfucker be telling me that I. - Oh my God, oh, there's so many one star reviews. (audience laughs) - Oh! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my God. - Hey, it logged me out on its own. Now, says you can't log in. Use the numbers on the email. Never sign up with an email motherfucker. (audience laughs) - Oh, these reviews are crazy. Oh my God. - First you could join and make friends with social purposes. Now it's just about fine and love. And it's too many fake pages and scammers. This app just hot until last week is September 2026. (audience laughs) - Wow, incredible. It shows me people 400 plus mile away, almost every swipe, and gives me one or two people in my area every other day. That person lives out in the middle of nowhere, and they don't understand how it works. Waste of money spelled W-A-I-S-T. (audience laughs) - That's not so hard of spelling. - Honestly, I think we have a brand new show. I think I'm gonna do a show where I read Black Dating app reviews full time. I mean, this is absolutely incredible. This is wild, the misspellings on their own are absolutely nuts. People on here selling their body. (audience laughs) And men are on here trying to date men, and this is not an LGBTQ app. They need to do better. (audience laughs) - Total estinero un mi gusta pejar un mensaje pejar. What the fuck does that mean? - A lot of them on here? - Or my Mexicans, that. Do you know what does that mean exactly? Total estinero. Total estinero un mi gusta pejar un mensaje pejar. (audience laughs) - Everything is money, and I want a massage. Okay, forget it. (audience laughs) All right, hold on, one star. Nothing but fat women with children in the St. Louis area. (audience laughs) That's a whole review. - That's a review. Nothing but fat women and children in the St. Louis area. (audience laughs) - Wow. - There was a lot of swiping, it was a lot of swiping. - Wow. Why, why, fat? - Oh, my God, it's discouraging. Discouraging spelled, "D-Y-S-C-U-R." This is crazy. (audience laughs) Frank kid. Frank kid, you've let us down in an amazing rabbit hole. (audience laughs) I don't know, how did they keep it a secret for so long? How, how did this, how, you keep apologizing to John D's? And this is a secret. Black people were supposed to keep this a secret. - I didn't know, but yeah, now that I've seen how the last five minutes was gone, yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, but Red Pan found another good review. One star from August 17th, D-Pope 77 said, "Nah." (audience laughs) Frank kid. I loved your set, I loved the interview. You started at 21, you're 25. I don't think anything can really stop you, man. You're here in Austin. You have to keep performing as much as you can. Write as much as you can. Attack, attack, attack, dude. You're likable. You got it all, man. Keep signing up. We'll see you soon. Oh shit, with a catch. The catch and the handshake at the same time. - We're having fun in here tonight. Let's get another bucket pull up. This app stole my money. I paid for platinum, 100 bucks for three months. 100 buck for three months, and it worked for two days before stopping. It still shows under my subscription tab in the iPhone settings. The money indeed left my bank account, but I do not have any of the pay features of the mother-fuck-a-dang. I would leave a zero review if I could. Our next fucking poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaiah Washingt. Here we go. Human beings are very intelligent, but we're also very stupid. Don't stuff excites us. For example, if a bubble were to fly in front of my face right now, somebody in the crowd would freak out. "What? Where that bubble come from?" Tony would stand up. "Bubble party at the Vulcan?" You know, 'cause it gays. We love round things. We love circles, and we walk outside, and we see a full moon. We freak out. The circle on the sky is so big today. I got to take a selfie, but this is also why we get into so many arguments and fights with different people, 'cause I can't agree with their circle of thinking, so I must destroy their circle, even though we're all in a circle right now, circling around the sun. And if the circle were to stop, we're all dead. So what are we really fighting for? I guess just a piece of the pie. Only 3.14, y'all got that joke? For the rest of y'all that flew over your circumference. And if you didn't laugh at that, you're a square. And I can't stand squares. And one day you're going to tell the joke in front of a large group of people and no one's going left. Why? 'Cause what goes around comes around circles. Thank you. I've been Isaiah Washington. Isaiah Washington. What up, Sam? I don't mind. If a three-year-old baby could do comedy, that's how he would do it right there. I like circles and squares and shit. I love it. I'm a circle, man. I love it. I'm thinking about it and stuff, man. Oh, my goodness. Great joke. I don't ever think about circles. I know Sam does. Let's check in with Sam Tripoli. It's like both the last comics can happen. I'll be the Jericho poppin, man. Oh, it's something. I'm feeling good, man. It is. I'm a killer walker, June. I say, I'm a country musician, not a comedian. Yeah. But neither are you. (laughter) See me dirty, man? You don't see the future. I mean, I love numbers. And I love shapes, but that ain't my thing. I understand. I say, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it for seven years. Where have you been doing it? Oh, Fresno, California. Oh, yeah. The King of Fresno over here. Fresno, the city, man. Absolutely. Sam once took me to Modesto, California, which is right near Fresno to perform at a convention of 7/11 owners. At 7/11. It was one of the first gigs I ever had. I had to do, what was it, 10 minutes clean? I ain't crushed. No, I bombed. Tremendously bombed. I didn't have clean material, and it turned, I didn't believe him. I thought he was kidding when he said it was a convention of 7/11 owners, so I didn't write any jokes. Nobody was, I was just like, "Uh-huh." And then it was, it was 7/11 owners. Yeah. There's a lot of 7/11 owners in Modesto. What do you like to get from 7/11? You seem like a roll down light. You seem like you go for the driest tequito in the case. Yeah, I got the 7/11 app, so I get points and stuff. You really do? Yeah, I do. Wow. Come on out. What are the ones start reviews on the 7/11 app? No, you know what? Yeah. If you could look at the 7/11, oh my can't leave. What do you, what's your go to at 7/11? You really? That's what I guess. You love those tequitos. I mean, you are a very oddly shaped person for a guy talking about circles and squares. You got a lot of them on your body. Yeah, I know. I mean, you are. That's why I could think of that, man. Every day I'm looking at it, all I think about the circles, dog. Right. Absolutely amazing. Isaiah, what do you do for workshaped like that? I work at the Vulcan and then, yeah. What do you do at Vulcan? I just push people out and stuff like that. You're the door guy. Yeah, door guy. Where were you doing before Vulcan? I was back in Fresno and I was working for a special needs, like, adult center. Did they like that joke? Oh, yeah, they really like the joke. All the kids with autism was like hell, yeah. Circle. Oh, God. Yeah. They're like, ah! Isaiah, what's your love life like with tits like that? Oh, man. I mean, bisexual girls love me, man. Oh, man, my love life right now is on it. You know, I'm single right now. What's your ethnicity? I'm black in Mexican. Have you ever heard of the dating app BLK? Yes, I have. Have you really? Yeah. Are you on it? No, I'm not. Why not? I'm not black enough. That's a good point. Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah. They want chocolate dudes on there. Right. You know, when you mix, you're on Facebook dating app. That's the other black site. How does that work out for you? Do you get a lot of action over there? Is it going out of ten? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, come on. Look at me, though. I don't got many options. So I'm rolling with a bunch of dogs. I'm going to Austin. One out here in Austin is like a Fresno 5. Yeah. That is true. We're going. We're good. That is true. We're good, man. We've seen the girls from Fresno. It's basically an episode of The Simpsons. Oh. Yellow. There's nuclear power plants all over the place. There's some tens out there, man. Here's another one star review from the black app. [LAUGHTER] Been on for 24 hours without a single match. Wondering if anyone is ever actually active on here. Here spelled H-U-R. [LAUGHTER] Oh, yeah. Too many men that identify as women, and also too many men liking other men's profiles, and even messaging me that clearly says they are only interested in women, not men who identify as women, or men that are undercover brothers. I just think it's weird for a man to try to befriend another man on a dating app. I need to put their phone down and go outside and mingle. You'd be surprised the people that use me. [LAUGHTER] That's a little deep. I actually left that review. I'm going to be honest with you guys. That's hilarious. People out here using me. Yo, Tony, can I tell you something, man? That happened last time I was on here. OK. But that was dope, man. So I told you my father passed away, and you're like, oh, how's your father died? And I was like, because he was fat. You're like, "Haha." Anyway-- - Right. - P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p. - You asked what my dad does, and I was like, he was a rapper, and then you pulled up his song. - That's right. I remember that. - Yeah. - And there was only one comment. It was me being like, "Whoa, where'd you find this?" - Yeah. - Bro, after the episode came out, bro, like I looked like at four o'clock in the morning, that shit shot up to like 50k views. And like it would dope to me like a little emotional, because like my dad was really chasing the dream. - Yeah. - Oh, life, and then that moment, bro, like people-- - Listen, your dad got the killtony bump. - Yeah, you got the bump, you got the bump. Yeah, I was like, "Man, that's dope as fuck." Then I got a little mad, because nobody found me, like my dad, dad, all of the babies, that-- - Yeah. - Yeah, like nobody looked me up at all. - Yeah. - Looks like you got one move left. - Yeah. (laughing) - Oh, man, but I took a risk with a circle joke. Next time I'm going, I'm going to go a little quicker with his punchlines. - I like your style. - What's up, bro? - We'll keep it moving. There goes Isaiah Washington, ladies and gentlemen. - All right. - Plot for Isaiah, everybody. Hey there, football is heating up, and everyone's pulling up, because prize picks has all your picks in one place. New users, get yourself a head start with prize picks best offer yet. If you win your first $5 line up, you'll get $150 in lineups. Prize picks is available nationwide. So what are you waiting for? Lock in for kickoff with prize picks. Now, if you want to know what I'm on this season, I've been locked in on Kansas City's Star Quarterback. His player projections for passing yards are wild, but I'm going with more on his passing projections every single week. I predict he's having an MVP caliber season. So lock in with me for game time, because everyone and everything is on prize picks. - Plus, prize picks has your back with injury protection policy. Did you know prize picks invented the injury reboot? If a player in your lineup gets injured in the first half and doesn't return, your lineup can still cash. That's policy has helped users win over $31 million in the 2025 season. - Download the app today and use Code Tony, they get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, download the app today and use Code Tony, they get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, prize picks, run your game. (audience applauding) - We have a special treat for you, this audience, this show on this very night. He is one of the very few living members of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. He's one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. We only get to see him if we're lucky, once every few months or so tonight is one of those nights. I present to you one of the greatest Kill Tony regulars of all time, making a rare appearance known for his roasting, writing, and stand-up skills. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great David Lucas, everybody. (audience applauding) (upbeat music) - Yeah. I think white women are done. I think they cooked. White women isn't white womanhood, that shit is overwind, man. And it's Lindsey Clancy's fault. (audience laughing) If you're watching the trial, there's 10,000 ugly fat bitches outside of the courthouse. Trying to use an excuse as the way she didn't do it. And I'm like, if that bitch would have killed three dogs, they would have burned her under fucking cross. (audience laughing) And they're trying to use the excuse, post-partum. That shit ain't real. I got multiple baby mamas. And I wish a couple of them would've killed the kids. But she says she heard voices. Since when has a woman listen to anybody, you know? [ Laughter and applause ] And why the voices always tell 'em to do some evil shit, you know what I'm saying? Like, why the voices don't ever say something that dick, bitch? Go ahead, stick a freak up there. Let's get united, yeah. All right, that's my time. Wow! The lead chick, David Lucas. Yeah, yeah. What's up? Crushing, showing everybody how it's done. This nigga look like Jamie Kennedy. What the fuck? [ Laughter ] Yeah, well, we're in a walk in junior. What's up, dog? How are you, my man? Pretty good. How many times you said the n-word today? [ Laughter ] Less than 50. He is a country music star. Hell yeah, I like it. I like it with a walker. What's up, Tony? I love it, David Lucas. [ Laughter ] Look at this old game, bro. You looking. You looking incredible. I, it's true. I might appear gayer than ever, and you're fatter than ever. So let the games begin, my friend. You said white women are cooked. If they were cooked, you would eat them, David. [ Laughter and applause ] Tony, you the type of nigga that take a shit and bounce on the toilet, right, man? [ Laughter and applause ] How do you know that? I'd love to do that. That's why you get the little dangle berries off at the end. [ Laughter ] You're the kind of guy that shakes on the toilet because it's breaking. [ Laughter ] The old fucking porcelain destroyer over there. I can't imagine what your toilet sees. Oh, that bitch made me four tough doing it. [ Laughter ] Your toilet's so destroyed, it's on the BLK app right now. [ Laughter and applause ] You do good on that app. You look fucking black man's dream. [ Laughter and applause ] Do you need white bitch? Why? [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] We're here. We're in the walker. You all right? I think you dropped the microphone. Oh, yes. [ Laughter and applause ] You shot me, dude. [ Laughter and applause ] This nigga look like Curly goes to Cracker Barrel. The movie Curly's going, "Oh, fuck it." You're much bigger than you are on YouTube. [ Laughter and applause ] Boy, you always look like a poker dealer for rats, nigga. [ Laughter and applause ] You, uh. You look like a Russian pretend to be a Mexican, nigga. [ Laughter and applause ] Jose Tripoli. I'm cool with that. [ Laughter and applause ] David, you're absolutely crushing it in life and everywhere you walk. It is amazing. This motherfucker fuck you, bro. [ Laughter and applause ] Checking his phone. Huh? What's on your phone? No, okay, so. You have a postmate comment or something? [ Laughter and applause ] I got some plan B for you, nigga. [ Laughter and applause ] All the black guys on stage, I know you pregnant, bitch. [ Laughter and applause ] I only get hit up on the black app, uh, to bail people out. -It's on a. -You bail me out one time. Without money. Remember that? Just word about Tony got me out of hand. Well, you did get in a fight on Sixth Street, and I do know all the police officers. He called me fat, bro. I don't play that shit. Well. [ Laughter and applause ] Not what people that don't know me, y'all. You got to know me to call me fat. I didn't call me fat, bro. I wouldn't go in for it. Hell, yeah. Um. What are the odds? Is that really zip up that jacket? It looks so far apart. I mean, it is incredible. We ain't gonna try tonight, honey. [ Laughter and applause ] Hold on. Let me try. Fuck it. Let's see if I can. Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] Ladies and gentlemen, do you believe in miracles? Well, I think we got a chance. It's very stretchy material. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Uh-oh. Oh, yay! Wow. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God. You are so misshapen. It is incredible. [ Laughter ] David, what's been going on in life since the last time we saw you shot a movie? Yeah, my movie is out. A lot of people either love it or hate it. But people say I stole the movie. Well, that's what you people be doing. [ Laughter ] No, they got a movie coming out called "Dick's Over Austin." Oh, come on. How dare you. How dare you tell people about my other career? But no, I got this new show. And this one network loves it. And I'm running it at the Hollywood Improv on October the 29th. And at the Brooklyn Improv, November the 4th. What's it called? It's Rose Therapy, bro, because I feel like this. A lot of -- especially white people go to therapy and don't get no fucking better. Right. So my show is "Rose fucking better." That's the headline. You're gonna get better here. But I made a show to where you really come on stage tell me your problems. And I need to tell you that you're a bitch or I roast the shit out of you. Right. It's a great idea, man. Is it people from the audience? Yeah, so we had these little intake forms. And if you want to come on stage, you get roasted. You sign up before you come on stage and it's like a doctor intake form. You age, sex, married, single. Have you ever thought about filling out a doctor intake form? [ Laughter ] Me. [ Laughter ] You side of a bitch. [ Laughter ] David, we love you, man. I think this thing is dying, bro. God damn, man. What's going on? It's like a statue at Crackle Barrett. It's Crackle Barrett. [ Laughter ] Yeah, boy, even through your head, I can see that ball head. God damn. Top of your head look like a screen, though, nigga, even -- even de-magnets can see that. [ Laughter ] You be nice to the panel, David. You be nice. Show respect. What you got to say, master splinter? Thank you. You were -- What did I do? [ Laughter ] That's after you said, motherfucker. [ Laughter ] I'm joking, will it? David, you are the man. Every time you come in, you fucking destroy the room. We love you, the legend. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, back to the bucket we go. Someone's got to follow the legend, David Lucas. And they go by the name, "Ladies and Gentlemen," makes some noise for Pamolicious. It's Pamolicious. Oh, hell yeah. Here we go. Hi! [ Cheers and applause ] How are you? I can cross this off my bucket list. And as you can tell, I'm old as fuck. So one last item on my bucket list. So I have to be honest with you, I'm not from Texas. I'm from Minnesota. Do y'all know anything about Minnesota? It's cold. It's so cold my nipples are still hard. And I could put your eye out from here. So I moved from the land of 10,000 lakes, Minnesota, to the land of 10,000 pickup trucks, Texas. And I got to wonder, is Texas the state of remedial math? 'Cause all the pickup trucks have four times four. I want to take my tits and scratch equals 16, goddamnit. No child left behind my ass. [ Cheers and applause ] Pamolicious, welcome. I like your style. Thank you. That's what I love about this show. That's what I love about the power of the bucket. Is we can just go from, you know, we go from a giant black man to the type of woman that he would impregnate immediately. Welcome, Pam. How long you been doing stand up? Okay, Tony, there's a little story here. I bet there is. Okay. So long time ago, almost 40 years ago, I was a touring comic. I was a feature. Okay, who were you featuring for? Oh, gosh. It doesn't matter if you don't want to say it here. No, oh, man. I met so many people working. Okay. I opened for Ray Romano. Nice. Okay. Man in Tonyo, funny bone. All right. Late '80s. Wow. I met Jeff Foxworthy. I met Jeff Dunham. Wow. And he was such a sweet kid. I said, you know, how do you want to introduce me? And he said, anyway, you want to ma'am. Wow. So sweet. And he only had the two puppets. Jose and I stick and peanut. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. And I met Brett Butler and-- Wow. - Yeah. - Viewers of the show are gonna have to Google some of these people. (laughing) So, Pamelaicious, what made you stop four years ago? - Well, you know what, Tony? I got tired of being on the road, and I was traveling in my little Honda Civic, and I was listening to, you know, eight, well, we were advanced eight tracks, little cassette tape. - You were listening to some Julio inglesias or something? - Yeah. - Okay, alright. - And it was a little scary on the road. I gotta tell you, it was a little scary on the road as a woman, single woman. - Yeah. - Yeah, 'cause the comics were horn dogs. - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah, yeah. - So I was in Marietta, Georgia one night, after doing a show, and the headliner and the other guy were sharing the condo with me. - Uh-oh. - Yeah. And they went out, went out to some other clubs and shit, and they come back to the condo and it's two in the morning. - Pretty early for comedians, go ahead. - They start doing lines of coke, I can hear it. - Uh-oh. - And one guy-- - Sam Tripoli, our senior coke correspondent, is pumping his fists with excitement. - And one guy said to the other, "Do you think she'll do us both?" - Wow. - I'm a single woman. - Yeah. - Did you? - No. (laughing) - But what I did is I dragged my mattress, a single mattress, dragged it off the bed, put it up against the door, crawled over this nasty, shaggy carpet. - Was that your pubic hair? I'm just kidding, go ahead, go. - Back in the day, though, man, I had a push. - I can't even imagine. - Yeah. - Woo! - I can't even imagine what you had going on down there, Pamela. - But, you know what, Tony, I was sort of, you know, I was, I was fucking hot. - Yeah, that push was so big. You still have one of Jeff Dunham's puppets down there. - That's right, peanut, peanuts down there. - Hell yeah. - But my husband Walter looks like Walter. - Oh wow, you have a-- - He does. - You have a husband? - Yeah. - He looks like Walter. (laughing) - So Pam, you stopped because of that night and Mary out of Georgia. The two guys just grossed you out. - They grossed me out and-- - Name 'em, name 'em. - Maybe they were joking. Do you think they were just kidding? - I don't wanna say their names. - No. - They're probably not working that much anyway, right? - I think he's dead. Sam Kinnison. (upbeat music) - That's him out of nowhere. - I thought you said this was four years ago. - 40. - Oh shit, 40 years ago. - I was in my 30s. - Oh my god. - I told you I'm old as fuck, right? - I think she's 34. - I'm 70. (laughing) - I'm 71. - Hell yeah, Pam, I'll let you just. - Hell yeah. So that's a true story. Kinnison said you think she'll bang both of us. - Yeah, yeah. - And was the opener, was that Carla Bove? - No, it wasn't. - Was it Mark Marin? - No. - Which one of the co-heads back then was it? - No, I think it was just a guy from Marietta that just hooked up with Sam Kinnison for some, you know. - For some drugs. - So they had gay sex? - No. - I don't know what happened. - That's a wild story, Pam. So you took a 40-year break. I've been mishearing this the whole time. - I got married. - Uh-huh. - I married. - No, no. I married a tall Texan, cowboy. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, he was a bass player, man. - True, yeah. - Okay. - And I had a child with him. - Uh-huh. - Well, I didn't get married for the first time until I was 40. - Okay. - And I had my son at 42. - Whoa, look at that. He crawled out of that thing, huh? - He did, yeah. Yeah. - Wow. - And he just turned 29. - Wow, what does he do now? - Oh, he's a bartender out at Hyatt Loss Pines. - Oh, sure. - Okay, you should've let Sam Kenneson get you pregnant. - No, I'm kidding. - What is that? I wouldn't even want to push that fucker out. - No, I know. - Why? - I know, I'm just kidding. - Yeah. - So, Pam, what made you want to restart stand-up? Is this your first time doing it in 40 years? - No, I started about five or six months ago, just doing open mics, going over to the creek in the cave. - Nice. - So you live in Austin full time? - Yeah, I do. I love it. I love that you live in a city coincidentally where you could just pick it right up and just start again. And have fun. How exciting. You're just riding off. - So what happened, Tony, as I turned 70? And I was taking a road trip and I was listening into some great tunes and I thought, Pammy, when's the last time you really felt good about what you were doing? - Yeah. - And I thought, man, that goes all the way back to the 80s when I got laughs. And so I thought, you know, I may be old but I'm not dead. (audience cheering) - I love that. I love that. (audience applauding) That's so exciting. - I know. - Do you have a second husband in his name as Walter? - Really? - Yeah. - So the first one died? - I know. We divorced. - Oh, okay, okay. And what does Walter do? - Well, you're gonna have to edit this, Tony. - Uh-oh. - Walter is a lighting director and he's worked for you. - Oh, I know Walter. That's our lighting director. You just-- - My man! - We just worked with him on Saturday in Dallas. - I was up there. - We don't have to edit. You were there? - Well, you had to. - And I signed up but you guys didn't call my name. - Well, it's a random bucket. You got pulled tonight. This thing's a white, it's like your pussy. It's just huge. Anything can happen. There's a bunch of white shit in there. Some cocaine from the 80s in there. - I know. - But here you are. Destiny called. - Walter's great. - You know what? I waited for a really good man and Tony can tell you, Walter's a-- - Walter's the man. I don't know. I don't work with anybody more than once unless they're great. There's a lot of lighting guys out there and Walter is the absolute best. That is absolutely incredible. What a small world. - Your girl's hanging out for the best. Hold out for the best. Yeah. - Look at that. She's talking that that's a guy with long blonde hair you're talking to. Those eyes are a little messed up, Pam. I'm not gonna lie. No, I'm kidding. So, Pam, let me ask you. Well, now that I know Walter's your husband, it's not fun to talk about your pussy anymore. - That's okay, you know what? - Do you use any of these new little toys to masturbate with, these high-tech toys? You know, they have the rabbit. They have the this. I feel like you've used an actual rabbit at one point in your life. - Well, why the fuck not? - Whoa, look at this. (audience cheering) This is crazy. This is one of your church buddies, Sarah. Sloan, this is amazing. (audience laughing) - Oh, back in the 80s, when I was in my 30s, I had a wasky rabbit. Wow, what is that? That's one of the little ones. - Yeah, but you know, it has that extra thing, you know? - I have one up my ass right now. (laughing) - Yeah, I keep one up there so that I can stay serious during the show. (laughing) When I laugh, it tries to pop out, but I have an extra plug to lock it up there. So, I have a-- - A butt plug. - Yes, I have a double butt plug, double prong. It's like a European electrical lock. (laughing) I don't know what I'm saying. You got me going crazy out here, Pam. Well, Pam, I mean, I absolutely love that you signed up for this show and performed here tonight. Like I said, I love all different shapes and sizes of people. And you're leaving here with a big joke book. You're gonna catch this, mamma jamma? - I hope so. - There you go, boom. - Yeah, that's what I was aiming for. - Yeah. - I was aiming for those Minnesota pointers over there. - Thanks so much for the great Pam. I'll let this everybody. There she goes. (cheering) - In action packed show so far back to the bucket we go. Hell yeah, we love you, Pam. Nice to meet you. What a sweet lady. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Tyler Marsht, everybody. Tyler Marsht. (upbeat music) - Hi, hello. I'm Tyler, I'm a Metro sexual. I like to jerk off on the bus. (audience laughing) Good to see you, sir. How are you? (audience laughing) Actually, you're creeping me out, man. You look like you don't wash your hands after you jerk off a kid. I'm creepy. Why don't you turn around for the rest of this now? I'm Tyler. I like to do some shady impressions. Do you guys wanna hear an impression? (audience cheering) You guys know Jesus was a Jew, yeah? This is my impression of extra Jewish Jesus, okay? This is extra Jewish Jesus. I didn't know I was paying for everyone since. (audience laughing) Wait till my father hears about this. (audience laughing) I don't know. I don't know. Well, thank you. There you go, Tyler Marsht. (audience applauding) Good jokes. Rock solid. How long have you been on stand-up, Tyler? About two years. We're at Austin, all in Austin. Nice, you born and raised here? No, I came from Austin. Ohio. What part of Ohio? Northeast Ohio. What part in Northeast Ohio? I lived in Newton Falls. Newton Falls, wow. I think I once got a concussion there From Youngstown, Ohio. You know that right? Yep. I know that Newton Falls. That's like a suburb of Youngstown. Yeah, it is 30 minutes out About yeah about hell. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work Tyler? What to what what exactly do you deliver for work? Is it food or people? He are he a postmates driver. No, I work a creek in the cave. Oh, yeah, you work in a food truck. Yeah, I do. Okay. Yep. How long you been doing that about a year and a half? Nice. You get to do some spots here and there and also make some money. Yeah, and I host a riff mic on Wednesdays and Yeah, I've gone on a couple of roast battles. It's been a really fun show. A creek in the cave. Hell yeah We love the creek in the cave. The great Rebecca Trent. I think they're celebrating. What is it six years or something now or something like that? Or at that location and then I think what 20, 10, 10 years overall. Is that what it is? They just had their big anniversary. Yeah, I think it was a 20 overall. Yeah, I think it's 20 overall. That's right. I was there, but I don't remember. I get all these things confused. So tell us about your life Tyler. You have any special skills or talents. You seem like the kind of guy that does a little special needs. Yeah, what are your conditions? Tell us about your No, I used to take care of a lot of people with conditions. I was a male nurse before I was a cook at the creek. Tell us about being a male nurse. Well, it's kind of like being a chef. I mean, we both work with vegetables. That's pretty cool. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, being a male nurse was fun. You know, just a lot of guys calling me gay and stuff. Just fucking not much change. Yeah, everything. Everything good stays the same. Tyler, what's your love life like you bang in anybody in the food truck? I haven't banged them in the food truck yet. That'll be on the bucket list. You have a girlfriend. I do. I have a girlfriend. We're coming up on like a year now. What does she do? She's also a server. She also paints people food. So you guys live together? Yeah, we do. And in a studio apartment or one bedroom. Studio. Studio. Do you have any pets? No pets. Do you have an aquarium of some kind? No. Do you have any plants? No, you don't have a single living thing in your house at all. No. Just me and my lady. So in the studio apartment, it's you and the lady guys are squeezed in there together. Does it ever get a little, where you just want to get away? I once lived in a studio apartment 20 years ago or so. I lived in a studio with my girlfriend who at the time was a female comedian. And sometimes I would just go sit in the bathroom to get some peace. That's where that's where life is when you're in a studio apartment with a girl. You're just like just give me out of here for a second, but it's too hot outside. So you just go sit in the bathroom. You ever just go sit in the bathroom for some peace or this is going out? No. No. You don't want to disappoint her. You wanted to think you're actually. Yeah. Yeah, the server's out there making tips. Putting it all together. Tyler, do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Oh, man. No. I don't eat pussy. Is this true? Are you being serious right now? Hold on. Wow. This is one of the only ways we've learned to get the Killtony audience against you is being anti-pussy eating. So tell us how did this trauma start, Tyler? This happened us just a couple of few weeks ago. We had a non-pussy eater on a guy was on his way of perhaps of getting a golden ticket and out of nowhere he goes. The one thing about me, I don't eat pussy. The whole crowd turns on him. I'm like, here's a little joke book. Say it later. I thought he was so close. Is it because your girlfriend has a dick? Is that why? No. When did you do? You've obviously eaten a pussy before, right? How old were you when you started eating pussy? Let's give us a ballpark here. It's like 14. So what happened? Was it a weird pussy or something? You could say. You could say. Was it the smell off or something? It traumatized you? I think it's a trust thing. What do you mean, exactly? Break that down for us a little more. I don't want somebody else. I don't know why you guys are playing music right now. Hold on a second. D. Relax. D's so mad that you don't eat pussy that he's hitting an f-cord and a-cord and a g-cord right now. You don't even know about it. They actually do that sometimes. That's not my joke. It's theirs, by the way. But I did properly place it at a proper time. Why don't you eat pussy? Take us through it. It's just, I come in there. And you think there's no self-cleaning mechanism in there. There's no regeneration. Once you've come in there once, it's gay to eat that pussy. What's that? Is that where your brain is? No, once, but it's like, I come in that thing daily, dude. You eat it first, though. Redban is the proper method. He says you're supposed to eat the pussy first and then come inside it. He doesn't do either one. What are you talking about? His girlfriend is a waitress, though. They swamp ass that the waitresses have. All right, back to the soundboard for Redban, everybody. Now, let me ask you this. Why are you coming in there so fast that you leave no time to eat it? Does she ever bring up the fact that you don't eat her pussy? No, the so fast part was you. What does that mean? He said, coming in it so fast, I was like, come on, man, like, I just don't eat this. Okay, whatever that was. Let's take a step back. Let me ask you this. Does she give you oral sex sometimes? She does. And do this, man. Do this, man. Heidi's putting a curse on you. She's giving you the curse. Wheeler Walker Jr. took a little pee break there. Wheeler, let me catch you up. The guy does not eat pussy. Well, Pam malicious sucks of dick. That's what you were doing back there. Holy shit. I work fast. She works faster. So, Tyler, have you ever eaten your girlfriend's pussy? You've been with her a year. No. You've never once. Not even a smooch. Not even a little peck. Nothing. Have you ever even seen her pussy? Have you ever looked at her? You just stick your dick in there, like, de-madness. It's like, ah, feels good. You don't do what? Deeds. Deeds. I do that first. You're damn right. I know, Deeds. I know you eat pussy. And if I know anything about a blind man, nobody eats pussy better than a blind guy. Trust me. I don't know how I know that, but I'm just making an assumption. When you lose one thing, you tend to be really good at other things. He can play the bass guitar, the regular guitar. He plays the drums, the violin, and he eats pussy. You say it's a trust issue, so you don't trust your girlfriend's pussy? I don't. I'm not in the pussy, and I'm like, I just don't trust it. He puts the nudge in the pussy. He doesn't dig in there. He doesn't just live there after you know it. What do you think it's an European being or something? Yeah. What do you think? What do you think it? You're growing c-monkeys in there or something? What do you think? You think that's where c-monkeys come from? So, have you ever eaten or asked it? He's definitely never eaten or asked. That's fucking pussy. That's like asking a kid that's afraid of the bathtub, swims in the deep end of the pool. You fucking kidding? You think this guy's eating ass but not pussy? How backwards do you have this? What do you want to watch the end of the movie and not the beginning? What do you think is happening? You think the guy gets the entrego straight for dessert? He's like, I'm not gonna eat that pussy. I stick my dick in there. Literally. It's literally what he's saying. You were back there letting Pam suck your dick. He actually said that. She asked you to eat your pussy and you're like, I'm good. She's asked why I do and I told her what I just told you guys and she's like, that's crazy. You know what? Girlfriend have reviews like black? Well, they fucked up! Well, Tyler, you had a great set and normally you would get a big joke but you don't eat pussy so you're leaving with a medium sized joke but Tyler. I'm sorry, it's a weird joke. We're not racist here. We're not anti-Semitic here to people's, you know, our reputations wild but the one thing we are against is people that don't eat pussy. Here on Kill Sony, we're not Republican, we're not Democrat but we are a pussy eating podcast, am I right? Oh yeah, we have another regular to get to ladies and gentlemen. This young man writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Not an easy job. Here he is with a brand new minute ladies and gentlemen, the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. I'm still drunk from earlier. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time. Will someone help him with his tripod that he definitely never practiced setting up before? This is absolutely incredible. Tony, you sit on tripod. Okay. All right, David Lucas ultralight hold on a second set up your tripod for you start trying to roast me. You really are drunk right now. I'm distinguished. That guys help him with this tripod please for the love of God. I Don't know this is first time showing up. I don't they don't pay me good enough to get a fucking easel that can work Guys professor dark storm. Can I talk to you guys? Women often talk about that they have to go to a gas station to get aggressive compliments, right? And they and they complain about it, but I would like to ask you, ma'am What do you know about having to bartend a brunch and you have to bartend for a bunch of drunk single moms drinking Milferitas? You know what a Milferita is so a Milferita A Milferita is a margarita drinking by By drunk moms, right? And they get more aggressive with their compliments from how long they've been stuck with kids and How horny they are once they keep drinking the margaritas, right? Because alcohol is a spirit It is a spirit and tequila is a spirit that makes you fun and a home It makes you fun and a hoe and and she and they're gonna say things very aggressively as you keep serving them the Milferita And they'll be like you know, I've had chocolate before They say that to me right and then but to keep the tips going you have to flirt You like bitch you keep campaigning you gonna get elected, right? Because I I love drunk single moms Right and did the the the problem with drinking is some people think that you have to stop drinking but I think you should Upgrade your drinking you can't be old and drinking two ingredient cocktails, right? Because if you get pulled over by the police and you have seven Vaca Red Bulls, it is immediately jail You have a DUI you were going to jail and you have to put that thing in your car to breathe in there But if you get stopped by the cops and you say sir I had seven Vaca martinis He's gonna be like Senator. What are you doing out here? What are you what are you doing let we'll drive your car home? We all have to go to work tomorrow. I know you my favorite thing to drink though regardless of his I like to drink I'm kind of pissed off to the fact that you can get to go wine bottles But you can't get to go box wine right because I thoroughly believe in slapping the bag, right? I don't believe it's slapping the bag Slapping the bag is important, but you have to slap the bag like you slap your girl's ass because It sends the serotonin from the ass to their brain Right and it it reminds them that they are a bad bitch, right? And so you slap the wine bag, right to send the serotonin through the bag and you got a trick Oh, she's been a fucking bad girl. She been a bad girl. You got a slap there. You got to slap the bag You like we don't talk like that in this fucking household. How dare you say the end word you a white wine? Profit the dark storm I'm out The dark storm Kendrick Flynn The old black doctor. Yes, I am old black to the future over here. Come on. Oh doctor. Who that come on? Oh Doctor house arrest Welcome. I love this. I couldn't see anything on your easel board other than an incoming lawsuit when it falls on one of these Blanchicks in the front no It's a bunch of science you wouldn't understand it It's too much science on there. I don't want to get into too much science because I love I love science and I'm an intelligent distinguished. Yeah, I got a degree from D's university Did you know about the black app BLK? Yes, I've squandered about And in dubious I have gathered several five black specimens on there and gotten to the bottom of it I am not scientifically the last dude up here is gay And that's scientific fact I can break it down Tony give me one second. Let me get my mark I'm glad I ain't gonna do it. I'm lying. I love it. I love it You have a minute every single week plus and I love that you're experimenting with fun different things. You have the time. See might as well take advantage of it SNL buck and does sketches. We do a ton of different stuff here stand up mostly But you have that time to make it your own and I love that you're getting a little wacky with a time I'm getting wacky Tony. Can I can I break down something real fast? Oh, you have another page on there? I'm ready for everything Tony. The thing is is that when I get online Reddit hates me mostly because I'm black And successful, but they get online and they leave reviews Tony and I just want to say because they message me sometimes And sometimes it's like it's it's a cool roast we can roast back and forth when it's racist I do what they do. I call the police, right? I go on Facebook They call me a nigger when I have 80,000 followers. I'm just a comic and I want to say caring about single white dudes online And what they have to say Tony is gay. All right, that is true That's the gay is sick. That is it. There is not a grunk. See I had a father growing up I had a father growing up and my father will be turning in his grave if I ever had a Yelp review About some free shit. So I'm saying if you wake up in the morning to message me. You don't like me. That's gay All right, that's it is gay. I don't even they call me fast-forward fleeing. They don't make no sense They say they skip my set, but they also say I suck. How would you know nigger? You didn't watch it And if you say no, you're a two-facedy gay bitch If you say those things about me I'm sorry. I get pussy my girl's tits and ass are amazing. I don't have time Yeah, there's no dessert. Sir you look like a grown man. Do you have a Yelp? No, you wouldn't. You do what I do, right? If you go to restaurants you don't like it. You just don't go back, right? Or you let her leave a review and then you put your two cents in like yeah, big that's the full stuff And they didn't have paper towels and a men's restroom Dark sauce Yeah, you did it tonight, buddy A fantastic presentation by Dr. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen I love you! There he goes. I love it. I love it on to the next film. We go back to the bucket, ladies Who don't we've had some I would say some fun interesting bucket pulls Last week we had some tough interviews even if the people at a good minute They were giving us nothing in the interview portion. This has been fun so far. Make some noise for your next bucket pool It goes by the name of honey donna witz everybody here comes honey donna witz I'm about 1.5 milferitas deep. So let's see how this goes guys. Let's do this I also eat pussy occasionally, so what's up? Yeah I know people like to call this the slur tourism capital the world But I don't think we get enough credit for our homeless people as a attraction It's just like Austin's like a movie it more like a scene though Beetlejuice's waiting room is the scene It's just like it's all open wounds and costumes out there I can't be the only person here that was kissed by that lady in the ball gown outside, right? Okay, fuck I feel kind of special now, but shit, you know, it makes me grateful for my house Because like I'm not even that stable. It's luck that I have four walls to be a freak behind, you know, it's luck But I did adjust to dudes jacking off on the street really quickly I think that speaks my personality unfortunately Oh, you know, but The one thing I didn't adjust too quickly is I'm used to having a day to do it for like at least a year and a half before he's spitting it me and calling me a fat retard Honey Donna witz welcome to the show honey Donna witz have you been on before I have and I fucking kind of sucked and you are pretty cool about it Yeah, I don't know if we're gonna be that cool this time Lightning doesn't strike twice here Welcome back honey. Let me ask you first question because it's a theme of the night. Are you on the black app by any chance? No, cuz I think you would fucking destroy. Yeah, she would destroy You would you would be like the star. I skipped all that because thanks to kiltonia. I got an only fans and that's that's all I need You know, oh wow, okay, how much you make it on only fans? If you know not enough I don't focus enough on an unfortunate. I love comedy Just give me a ballpark of what you're making like two thousand dollars a month. Yeah, okay. What's your rent? A little less than that a little less than that. How else do you make money? Is there another thing? I still I still have a day job What's your date job? I run a sign company here in Austin. Oh nice. Yeah. Okay. All right. You run a sign company. I do I'm the president. You're the president. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a grown-ass woman. Okay. Yeah. So hold on Their boss finger blasts herself on the internet. No, I don't have to do that because I got this thing here I barely do any I take pictures dog. I don't show your bottle. No, I don't show at all. No I'm gonna even show your butt hole. No, I don't have to you. You hump pillows or anything? Nothing No, so we boo the guy doesn't eat pussy, but we don't fucking I'm gonna ask you for no work Me and D Matt is just cackled the same at that. That's very funny We boo the guy that doesn't eat pussy, but the bitch that doesn't show a hole gets So funny Sam Honey, you are a very interesting shape of woman if I don't mind. Yeah, I would agree with you What exactly is going on? You have a lot of olive oil in your diet or something. What's going on? Well I don't know what it is a lot of avocados. What do we like 17 avocados a day or something? What is it exactly? I do it a lot It's a Mediterranean diet basically. That's but mostly it's just like I think it's because I grew up in the hood It's just by osmosis. I think so. I could see what hood did you grow up in exactly Houston Houston? That would have been my third guess What was the first two Detroit? Okay fair and Atlanta. Yeah, yeah, and then I would have said then it must be Houston And you would go yep, and then they'll crowd would have gone crazy. I was hoping for Philly and go birds That on it. No, no, no, Philly would have been my like fifth guess So honey Donna with how long have you been doing stand-up just over a year right and yeah, does it ever really go really good? Yeah, yeah, it really does you'd perform a lot. I did I think I think we both know that but Honey, the stuff that you did tonight is that like your best material or is that new stuff that you're Trying out with a medium new because you kind of the it's never goes good when the comedian says how much they drank as their opener Right you said you had what you know, I was actually kidding I didn't drink for this because I had a good feeling that I was gonna get pulled so I'm actually sober I just I do love the Milferita. So I thought what is it Milferita? It's what is that? It's what did you drink just had on the whiteboard? Oh Got it. Got it. So you were doing call back call backs to his set. Yeah in the industry. Yeah got it And then you did a call back to the person before him and then you finally got to your thing. I did yes It took three and a half seconds. I think though a little bit longer, but it's okay. Who's counting calories? Why don't you charge anything for your only fans? So it's a free to subscribe, but then that was quick work. Fuck Jesus He is our senior only fans correspondent, but then they have to pay to talk to me and that's what the that's what the guys They have to pay to talk to you. Oh, that's fucking nuts. Yeah, I would I do they have the other subscription where it's all whole no chat No, it's all chat. They'll they just want to call me a dumb bitch. That's what I'm getting paid for most welcome to my world How much does that cost? Five dollars a message. Do you take apple pay? It's a low barrier to inch honey. Tell us the most interesting thing about your life Since something wild ever happened. You ever have like a near-death experience. Have any special skills or talents anything like that You know, I like to consider this one of my talents and a lack of social skills so that fucking sucks But I know I'm really into bodybuilding and powerlifting It's a goal of my I broke my neck doing it. She's also in the line No, no All of this is fairly documented online, but Oh How did you break your neck? I? Dropped a bar on it doing a lift. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. It's cool. I survived it But it's just like a disc right a broken neck is no it was my see through my see three through my C5 We're just kind of demolished. They're all steel man. It hurt your shoulder. I bet didn't it Yeah, I couldn't feel my shoulder for a while brother. That's how it was a full break That's kind of what I'm saying. It doesn't really hurt your neck that those discs it hurts your shoulder. I see your icy bodybuilder. Yeah Yeah, I'm in different shapes and sizes guys. Not everybody is like, you know, you're in the squats. That's for sure For sure. Yeah, that's your specialty. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. How do you know when you're dumb wipe in your ass? Probably same as you the question the whole world was thinking no one at the balls to say it It's weird when we have the same question That's definitely one of those five dollar messages brother. That is true. That is true Do you ever biday with a Exploded fire hydrant? Exploded fire hydrant. Do you ever just like, ah, now's my time? Regular one just works. You know, I don't I don't have access to fire hoses They like white girls like real ones. Not this shape. Honey Donna. What's do you have a boyfriend right now or a husband? No I actually recently swore off dating for a while. Why what happened to where you would swear it off? I really like autistic guys. It's complicated. You know, no really seriously. No, that's actually yes So the last guy you dated was autistic Data is a strong word, but yeah, you were banging an autistic guy. Fuck yeah. Is there anything weird? Any weird routines about Banging an autistic guy. Do you have to like go over there and watch Pokemon first or something? Anime, I think yeah, yeah, pretty fucking much. Yeah, but really and if you're is there an answer to that? Is there like something weird that is up comes along? It's just like they don't like loud noises or fast movements, and those are two main components of fucking so All right, well honey Donna wits. Here's a here's a little joke, but honey Donna wits ladies and gentlemen All right, on to the next one. Oh, we know this young lady. She's very very funny Make some noise for ladies and gentlemen coming off of a really great set or last time on the show make some noise for the great Emily Wade everybody. Here we go I hate when I'm not on my period Because then I don't have an excuse to be a bitch When I am at my period and you cut me off a traffic and I call you a fucking kind. I can be like, oh, I'm sorry my tummy hurts But I'm not on my period. It's just like damn Is that who I am? As a person Raging fucking kind, okay Ma'am, can I ask you a personal question? You ever fart and it goes up in the other hole? No, okay That's fine. It's just me was that one hole in the other know all of a sudden I got a burp Got boats. That's a lips reverberating talk about the pussy that talks back All right guys, that's my time. Thank you. I'm Emily Wade. Emily Wade Back again. Welcome Emily. Thank you. Yeah, very fun Sam Tripoli you look like the after picture for the last comic like do you got something yeah? If she actually lifted weights and worked out How she would end up I'm honored. She has a great ass I'm inspired to that. It was a it was a very hefty ass Quite the load if you will Jesus red band That's his one fart noise per episode that he's alive. That was just my ass. Oh, so there it is a little burp Little Emily burp the best part of hers. She's so nervous. She shaked in her tits. Just wobble the whole time Do your tits do the same when you walk? Emily, it's always fun to have you on this show. What else is going on in life? Anything crazy? I just got hearing aids for the first time. Oh wow. How's that going? It's going great It's kind of crazy might my hearing loss makes it hard for me to hear like higher pitched voices so you and That makes sense That makes sense women are hard for me to understand When did you realize you had a hearing problem? Yeah, when I went to the doctor and they were like yeah, girl That's not good You got something from it. Why don't you find your doctor on black? Hey girl, that no mother fucking good. We're gonna need to give you some aids of some kind Hearing aids are pretty cool nowadays. Yeah, they are I'm by on like Bluetooth and shit like that It's actually kind of cool. I actually can listen in on conversations if I connect to my phone and put my phone in a room I can hear you when you're talking shit about me. Whoa That's wild. What have you heard? I was in the airport and I overheard a group like a bachelor party and one dude looked at the other and he was like Dude, what's empathy? My flight was leaving so I didn't have time to explain it to them, but hopefully they learned that is hilarious Empathy is a thing that most people most men learn later in life, I do believe Women learn it early for some reason and they have to explain it to some guy After telling them they have no empathy. Yeah, I got empathy beaten to me, so oh my goodness by who my mom Is that how you lost your hearing? So I got my first concussion What did your mom beat you with? Um, anything she could find? -Wow. -Mainly her fist? Well, is there anything special that you remember? My grandma would always hit me with a spatula. She would chase me around with a spatula. Wouldn't a spatula batten that day? You had a yardstick? Wow. How about you, Sam? Nah, my parents tried one time and I fucked them up. [ Laughter ] Sam's Armenians, so his dad would spray cologne in his face when he would miss the head. Very bad boy. You bad boy, Sam. No, dad! That's exactly how my mom's out. No, she didn't hit me with anything special. She just -- her favorite thing to do is to bash my head against walls and then call me a dirty little whore. -That's a lot. -Yeah. That is exactly what my mom used to say to me. Emily, I love to have you on the secret show. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Emily, here's a big joke book. Take one of those big balls. Oh, thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] Every once in a great while, well, let me put it to you this way. Very often, I get hit up by managers, agents, you name it, showbiz people, and they say, "I want my client to do your show." And 100% of the time, I say, "Now, that's just not how it works. We're doing something special. Here we have a bucket. If I start going against the bucket, it'll just start to break the integrity of the show." Other than that bucket, of course, I have my own people that I think it's long-term storytelling to show their growth. Sometimes it's a step backwards. Sometimes it's a step forwards. The point is, I never really debut anybody that I don't personally know on this show. And then, a couple weeks ago, the ultimate exception happened. My assistant, the lovely Sarah Sloan, one day, said to me that there's a man that wants to start stand-up comedy. And that man is the creator of Fire Festival, in which I have watched, I think, three, four, five fucking every documentary about this thing that's ever happened. So how excited am I to introduce for his first time ever doing stand-up? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the creator of Fire Festival, Billy McFarland! (upbeat music) Wow! This is the lies, it's been all night! My name is Billy McFarland, and yes, I am the creator of Fire Festival. Relax, guys, if I organize this, you still be stuck at the fucking airport. It's gonna be a little grateful, all right? Recently, I went back to this little island called Utila Honduras to do another fucking festival. Everybody told me I didn't learn any lessons, and I'm here to say that's bullshit. First, I learned how to apologize in Spanish. Second, I googled Honduras' prisons. I quickly learned to give a fuck about customer satisfaction. And third, being here tonight, my first-ever comedy night, I see all these great comedians, they bust their ass for 20 years to beg for a Netflix special. I only had a set of four, so I guess I'm doing something, right? (audience applauds) When everybody asks me what's next, the answer is pretty easy, when things don't go right, you just gotta ask for some more money. (audience laughs) So I'm really excited to meet my hero here, Tony. Tony sells tickets first, then he pulls names out of the bucket, and you're stuck with guys like me, so. (audience laughs) Tony, all I could say is you're one chi sandwich where you're from that jail cell, baby. (laughs) It's not so bad. Billy McFarland, ladies and gentlemen, with this first-ever stand-up appearance. (audience applauds) This is special. Billy, I am so intrigued by you and what you've done. (audience laughs) I find Fire Festival, and it's legacy to be one of the most interesting things in the world, 'cause I'm not that much of a party guy, right? Like, I like drinking with my buddies and listening to music, right over the ox or the Bluetooth or whatever, but I'm not one to go really to a festival, but I love the fact that there was all these douchebags that really wanted to be part of the hippest, next coolest thing and take selfies and get out there, and you gave them nothing. (audience laughs) They got on planes and they ended up in no way. I don't know how the few guys know as much as me, but it might be the most diabolical story ever. I implore you when this episode is done. There's one on Netflix, there's one on Amazon. I think they're basically everywhere. Everybody made their own fire. That's a documentary. It is the greatest, you know about this, right? The FEMA tents. These people all bought luxury lodges and stuff and they showed up. Billy, first of all, welcome Billy. We're happy to have you. It takes a lot of courage to come on this show. You did really good. You went through your stuff. You had no notes the whole time. You survived to fuck you from right off the top, from a guy in the audience that apparently tried to go to one of the festivals. How much do I owe you? It got like 400 bucks. Don't give it to him. So what made you want to start stand up tonight? What are you up to nowadays, Billy McFarlane? Yeah, when you asked everybody how long they've done stand up for, I hope I could ask. I think it's like what, 45 seconds now? Yeah, you did a full minute. You ended at 59 seconds on our clock. It was great. That's your first time. Well, we actually did three festivals in the past year. So, yeah, that was pretty cool. Where at? Two in Utila Honduras and one in Turks and Kicos. It was pretty sweet. Who'd you have a plane there? Anybody, anybody interesting? Mostly rap. I think most people like electronic now. But like French Montana. Ray Schremmer. Bobby Schmurt. You had those guys? Yeah. I know all about those guys. Believe it or not, even though I sound and look like this, I know every single person you just mentioned. That's amazing. And people showed up, huh? How much just out of curiosity? How much does a ticket to your show in Utila Run? Because that's a gamble. Utila 26 million. So, not enough. Right. When the guy was passed down hundreds before, I got a little excited. You are such an intriguing character. Again, I don't know if you guys know as much as me. But he famously makes deals. To the artist. And then, I mean, I don't even know. It's impossible to explain in such a short amount of time. I'm not Jewish. I'm not Jewish, no. No, if he was Jewish, the festival would go off without a hitch. Everyone would be happy. Everyone would make money. They would do it again and again. I mean, and I didn't want to save enough some money. And trust me, if he was Jewish, he wouldn't have had such bad weather at the original fire festival. That's the other aspect. You throw a storm in the mix. Shit, it's crazy. Wheeler Walker, Jr. is one of the biggest country music stars in the world. This must be interesting for you to be up here. It's cool to meet such a successful promoter. Thank you. That was my fire festival. You're set. Billy, you got through it. What else have you been doing? What is a guy like Billy McFarland do for fun? How do you pass the time? At a baby eight days ago. Whoa, is that your first kid? First kid and excited. And I was really concerned. But the baby did not look like Bobby Schmurda. So that was. That was her relief after some time in the island. That was a little scary. That's fun, Bill. Did you show up for it? I was there. I was there in the hotel. That is so fun. Wow, amazing. So you did the fire festival. Flamethroughed it. Just destroyed everything. And then a woman was like, Hey, nut inside me. Yeah, where'd you meet this lovely lady? Was it at one of the festivals? I met her right after when I was on bail. So word of advice to the lady is don't date a guy who's on bail. It doesn't go well. Where is your case at now? I am. I'm free. And actually not lying. My former cellmate who got out seven days ago is actually here. I just saw him for the first time in years. Wow. And just flew in from Chicago. So what's that, Beto? Wow. I'm a moderate. Beto, no more gang signs. How much time did you do? I did four years. Oh, cool. You did four years. Where was that at? All over, but I kept getting in trouble, mostly in Detroit, Michigan area. Wow, that's got to be rough. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Is that how you booked Bobby Shmerda? Did anyone think you were Jared from Subway? You want to fuck you up? How did you keep getting in trouble in prison? Tell us about the process of being like a promoter, white guy, and you seem kind of like a sensitive human being. And there you are in a fucking federal prison, right? Yeah, I had a cell phone trying to talk to my-- girlfriend turned wife now that didn't go so well. And then I did a podcast over the pay phone, and that was one of my worst ideas I've had, I've had some bad ones. - You were doing a podcast over a pay phone? - Yeah, they didn't like that. - Wow, how many episodes did you do? - I recorded the trailer, and then they're like, "McFarlane, time to go buddy." - Was the cell phone that you had? Obviously you weren't allowed that. You snuck that in there? - Generally against the rules. - Right, yeah, how do you charge a cell phone in prison? - You have electrical outlets in your cell? - I can't discuss something. - Ooh. - People hide parts in some really bad places. - Oh, wow. You had a charge? - Did you get in your ass? - I did not. I had a, I had a boofer, as he called himself, who he was a dedicated ass man. - Did you, what? (audience laughing) - Did you, what? - Wow. Did you, your service must have sunk. (audience laughing) - Red ban, where's your good joke sound? Bring it up. Red ban, old stinky service. Hell yeah. - Wow, that's amazing. How much do you have to pay the boofer? - I'm like, I think 40 bucks a month is. - Wow. He had to continuously keep boofing. I would have done it for free, but. (audience laughing) Billy, this is amazing. What else can you tell us about prison? I mean, again, you famously, again, you guys, I'm sure you have some of you, but you really have to watch these documentaries. I find it to be the most intriguing thing on planet Earth because you, through a lot of this stuff, were living kind of a life of luxury, right? You've always had a decent, sometimes vast sums of money, it seems. And I mean, it must have been a real drop off being in prison. - Yeah, I flew here commercial today, so life is rough. - Say that again. - I flew here commercial today, so life is rough. - Right. - Right, probably Southwest. This is a big Southwest stuff. - It was bad. - Yeah, that's rough. Billy, again, what's the craziest thing you saw in prison? Four years all over federal prison. - My cellmate, who was a really good guy who had been there for 20 years, he stole a clothes iron. And I guess he was able to get away with it and he made his case idea his every night for two years, so. - Wow. - That was pretty cool. - Wow. - Good dude. - Do you get to watch your documentary in prison? - I went outside by myself and slowly paced around the record, everybody else watched it, so it's pretty sad. - Oh, wow. You never watched it? - Never watched it. - Oh, I think you would find it to be amazing. Oh, you might be-- - If you watched it, you would hate you. I think so too. (audience laughs) - What were the case ideas made out of? I'm curious to know, and did the boofer bring the ingredients? (audience laughs) - We separate a church and stay there. (laughs) - I love it. - Billy, very courageous maneuver, making your stand-up comedy debut here. Is there anything you want to promote or plug that might be happening or not happening? - I wasn't coming here to raise money, but-- (laughs) Just kidding, guys. No, thank you for that opportunity. Really great to be here. Beto, thanks for coming out. - Billy McFarlane, ladies and gentlemen. You can't make this shit up. One of my favorite documentary characters of all time. He's alive. He's a real guy. That's Billy McFarlane. You guys know who the fuck that is? You've seen the documentaries? - Well, I mean, yeah, boo, but I mean, at the same time. - Wow. It's fucking amazing. It's like it's the lady from-- - It should be more hateable, you know, like, he seems too nice. - He and he does throughout the whole thing. Like, it's like crazy. He's like trying his best, but there was like four people that were supposed to run an entire festival. They're like, "We don't know what to do." He's like, "Let's just do it. We're gonna do it." And God was like, "No, you're not. It's not happening." All right, well, ladies and gentlemen, back to the "Bucket We Go," make some noise to your next comedian. It's Joey Smith, everybody. (upbeat music) - Somebody told me I looked at Androgynous the other day. I said, "You mean to tell me I look like I can breathe "on land and in water? "Is that what you're trying to tell me?" (audience laughing) I love complaining. Anyone else in here? White? They like to say we don't have culture, but any white person in this room get a cold meal. So we don't show you some fucking culture. You know what I mean? I love complaining. It's my favorite thing to do. I've been doing this new thing where I just call Amazon and tell them I'm not happy. No order involved. I'm just not a happy person. (audience laughing) You know if you do that for 35 minutes, they'll give you a $15 gift card. (audience laughing) Starts standing up, they're going, "Hey, let me talk to Jeff real quick." (laughs) All right, I've been Joey. Who's that? - Joey Smith, 52 seconds, very funny. - You've been on this show before, right? - I'm not. - Really? - I'm not. - You look familiar, you're a funny guy. - Thank you, I appreciate that. - How long you been on stand up? - Coming up on eight years in December. - Nice. Where were you doing it for eight years? - Stan Antonio and then here. - Awesome. Awesome. What do you do, you just do this for a living? - So I do this and then I have a sales job as well, that I do a nine to five. - Yeah, yeah. Home or you have to show up to an office. - No, I get to work from home, I get to be a scumbag from the comfort of my living room. It's pretty amazing. - I love it. - Drug dealer, that's what you're talking about. - No, it's more of a garbage disposal type situation. I'm selling a lot of those. If you guys need one, let me know. I got them in my trunk. - Maybe a black t-shirt would be better. (laughs) - Yeah, that is a big white shirt. - Yeah, yeah. I'm out here looking very big and white. I apologize about it. (laughs) - Joey, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up? - You know, I like to do, I like to do, you know, nature stuff. I'm dating this new chick right now. She's big in the nature. So, trying to get into that. I don't look the part, but I hopefully will eventually. (laughs) - What are you doing out there in nature? - Just fucking dying, dude. The whole time. - It is scorching out here, yeah. - I'm like, dude, I need a fat bitch this time. I can't do it no more, man. I wanna watch TV again. Where is that at? (laughs) - Yeah. (audience cheers) - Yeah. You gotta tell the nature lover that there's fucking national geographic on there. - Yeah. - That's chill. - I love it. - Joey, how long you been with this girl? - It's only been like a month. - Okay, what's the most natureish thing that she's taken you to do? - It's bike rides. Everything's a bike ride. - Oh, no. - Everything's a bike ride. - Have you pulled the red band? Have you gotten an electric bicycle and never pedaled once? - Yeah, exactly. - His pedals look like have you ever seen a quadriplegic shoes? (laughs) He's got an electric bike he's never used. Is that the face you make? (laughs) (audience laughs) - I'm gonna switch it up. I'm gonna get a Walmart cart and just kinda ride that around with her. That's gonna be pretty fun. - Yeah. - So what does your girlfriend look like? - She's like, "I don't check to you, Paul." - I go way out of my league. It's crazy, man. You can like, "I'm gonna clip it and just put pictures of them right here." But I mean, it's two artists, hot shit, you know what I mean? This one's an influencer. It's pretty sick. We went to high school together. Now to high school, she became a stripper. And that was pretty cool. She started doing like stripper content. And then now she's doing like dog training stuff and she's doing great. - Wow. - Yeah, no, no. Here's the thing. - I've seen those videos. - Yeah, she's doing great. - Yeah. - She's doing great. - Yeah. - But I mean, I honestly cannot help but feel like I brought this bitch out the club. I really, I can't stop listening to Don Tolliver. I'm like, "Walk around." She don't wanna strip? No, I'm not. You're like, "I can't help it." - That's it. That makes sense. - A stripper turned dog trainer. - Yeah, yeah. - Who knows how to lay down, roll over, and bark better than that. (laughing) - Very true. - Absolutely incredible. And I'm guessing Joey Smith, since you're pooling someone hotter than you, that you are pro eating pussy. Am I correct? - Oh, it's, I'm like Donald Trump when it comes to eating pussy. I'm the greatest of all time. (laughing) (cheering) - Oh yeah. - There's a woman that just, you're exciting the crowd so much. A woman with a broken arm just took off her cast. Ladies and gentlemen, she has an actual cast. She's pulled her arm out of the cast in order to pump her fist. I'm not even kidding, ladies and gentlemen. It's a real thing. - Don't let her slide out of the chair. It will happen, it's happened before. (laughing) - Joey, do you have any special mood? Do you have any pussy eating advice for perhaps those, we found out only recently that some men don't eat pussy. That could be him ducking. There's a guy ducking. This is the shame. - Oh, that guy eats pussy for sure. I'm sorry, sir. Look at that fucking guy. Look at that. I would never. That's Joe Rogan's stepdad right there. Look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. That guy doesn't just eat it. He stomps it and hunts it down to it. - Yeah. (laughing) - He eats it, swallows it, digests it. - Kicks it out again. He goes again. Do you have any pussy eating advice out there for anybody that might be listening? It's a little shy. We had a guy on earlier that said, "I don't eat pussy because I come in there." (laughing) Ew. What? (audience laughing) What the hell? Who the, that's so crazy to be like, "Hey, I came, I guess I'll do the same for you now." All right, let's go, let's try it out. I, here's what I will say, fellas, about eating pussy. The sex starts the minute you start making out, right? You can do that for 45 minutes to an hour, right? Eat or pussy for six minutes, fucker for four. You guys fuck for an hour and 10 minutes. You guys get that? Wow, look at that. That is some wisdom that I was not expecting you on the show we smith. That is, that is some confucius. It's some, Joey Smith won't say sex start on making out. Is your girlfriend measure that in dog time? Yeah. We do have to have a little doggy towel for accidents. So I will say, you gonna have a-- Wow, Joey Smith, you are a riot, Red Band. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. I'm so excited about this bucket pool. This young lady is one of our favorites, from the comedy store in Los Angeles. We are so happy to have her back. Make some noise for the return of Angie Stroud, everybody. The great Angie Stroud. One of the top young guys like comedians in the world. Thank you. I feel like every comedian nowadays has a joke about 9/11, trans people, and Michael Jackson. So I have done the impossible and put all three of those things into one super joke. This is that joke. A trans woman walks into a bar in the World Trade Center. She walks up to the bartender and orders a sex change on the beach. Bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't have that. She says, it's OK. I'll just use the bathroom. He says, ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. She says, why? Because I'm trans. He says, no. A plane just hit the building. [APPLAUSE] She runs out of the building, bumps into Michael Jackson. He instinctively blurt's out, he-he. And she says, it is she, her. Wow. Goddamn, that's a great joke. Holy shit, Angie Stroud is back. Wow, Angie, that is fantastic. This is my debut, my first time. Doing that joke? Uh, doing Kiltoni. Really? Yeah. I feel like we've had you on before, no? No, first time, I'd remember. Wow, amazing, that's crazy to me. I feel like over the years, you've been here. Maybe we just saw you afterwards or hung out or something so good to have you on, Angie. You said a hiccup is the king of podcasts hiccuping live for the first time in 13 years right now? What happens? Do you get the hiccups? There's an actual funny female comedian around you. Is this a re-learning something about Red Band? Angie, fantastic, remind us all how long you've been on stand-up comedy. I've been doing stand-up for seven years. Seven years. And you started at the comedy store, right? Yeah, I'm a doer guy at the comedy store. I started in college. I was driving a bus, writing jokes, and now I take the bus. Yeah, that's awesome. Moving up. Yeah, you're right on schedule. I love it. How's the comedy store treating you nowadays? It's fun over there, right? Yeah, you know, I was parking the cars for a minute. All your favorite comedians, I've sat on their hemorrhoid pillow. Yeah. It's a charm's life. Yeah. Yeah, you doing Sats Hostin. I've opened Sam Tripoli's show. He called me the N word. It was amazing. That happens. That's how you know you're in the real game. That's how you know I like it. And you work the lot at the comedy store, huh? Yeah. Does Mark Marin ever give you a $5 bill and ask for change and tip you $2? Or did he change since we moved here to Austin seven years ago? There's a lot of witnesses to this. I know-- Mark Marin famously asks for change for a $5. This is-- you can't make this up. But anyway-- There's a lot of comedians that will bring a $2 bill. Oh, that's crazy. And they'll be like, that's for luck. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's a real booming economy out there nowadays. Angie, that is so fun. You know, as crazy as life is, and as much fun as we have here in Austin, the comedy store, obviously, has the dearest place in our hearts. And you're one of those people that I saw a long time ago. And you're really holding it down over there. And we love that. So thank you. Thank you. The great Angie Stroud, ladies. You're a great show. One of the great-- I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. I would love to. There you go. And you know what else I'll say, Angie? Because I wield a lot of power. And I find it to be so fun to do this every once in a while. We do, now, the art show started in the belly room. How long have you worked at the comedy store? Three and a half years. Our show started in the belly room of the comedy store 13 years ago. Now, when we go back to Los Angeles, we do the Intuit Dome or the Forum. All the biggest arenas in LA. Usually do it about once a year. And I'll tell you this. Next time we do Los Angeles, I'll give you a set. In one of those arenas. How about that? You'll make your arena debut there in LA. And here's a big joke book to say with you. The great Angie Stroud, where can people find you? Give your Instagram or something. And how do people find you? Follow me on Instagram @AngieSTRO. Thank you guys very much. Angie Stroud. Well, there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, that is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire show's history. This man is a freak of nature, absolutely unstoppable. Not only is he one of the greatest regulars in Kiltzoni history, I can say with no ego and no hesitation that I do believe he is my personal favorite stand-up comedian in the world period right now. I call in the anomaly, the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute. From the great Pat O'Neal, everybody here he is. [CHEERING] Folks! During COVID, I lost a lot of weight, intermittent fasting. Or is it known in Africa, life? OK. There's no KKK in Africa. Just mosquitoes, nature's clandage. All right, switching topics. Midgets might seem like they get drunk faster, but that's really just the way they walk. And-- You know how to deal with a Jewish midget? Easy-bake oven. Smaller costs. OK. Thank you. [CHEERING] Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Just reminds us all why we do it. Just so fun. Sam, this is probably your first time seeing Pat O'Neal, right? It's a tsunami, don't we? Yeah. Yeah. It's an honor, buddy. That was really funny. You are an intense dude. I love it. Thank you, fellow. Thank you. I love that. Wheeler, you ever see anything? I'm never-- that was the best stand-up I've ever seen in my life. [LAUGHS] [CHEERING] Hands down. And I saw a chick who turned down rape from a Sam Kinnison. Yeah. We did see that earlier. [APPLAUSE] We did. Yeah. [MUSIC PLAYING] [SIGHS] [LAUGHTER] Pat, how's life going? Everything good? Yeah, yeah. I heard you guys talking about that black app a lot. the B.O.K. App. Oh, yeah, you know about this? Oh, yeah, I was on there. You're on there? Yeah, I was trying to order KFC. [LAUGHTER] Can you imagine a guy who would do worse on that app? I thought they were still calling it black people meat. It was confusing. Oh, oh my god. Oh, hilarious. Oh, my god. Pat. Oh, Pat. You are so fun. You love that shirt, Pat? I like it, too. Killtonymerch.com. That's right. Killmerch.com, that is-- Killmerch.com, yeah. The brand new Killtony Pat O'Neill shirt. Oh, we have a lot of great stuff. D Madness glasses are now for sale. And my personal favorite, Heidi's Farts in a jar. It is an actual Killtony Mason jar, in which she has farted into the jar. You can buy them, and you open it, and you sniff it. And that's what Heidi's Farts smell like. And we did do one, one out of the 1,000 that we made, red band farted into the jar. And we don't have that one labeled, so good luck. It's a Russian roulette out there. Are they moving? Are they moving? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they're flying. They're on pre-order right now. Hundreds of these jars have been sold. Am I correct, guys? Sarah? Yep, OK, yeah, she's-- I just hope they ask for it. Sarah, can you confirm the fart jars, please? You know what I think would be cool, Pat, is if you and Wheeler switched places and Wheeler Walker Jr. plays us out with a little-- absolutely, a little classic hit of his reminder. His new album, Pulling Out is available everywhere. The Pulling Out tour starts in two weeks. Wheelerwalkerjunior.com is one of the biggest country music stars in the world. Sam Tripoli's new special is on the gas digital YouTube. Andy has World War Debate available everywhere. How about one more time for The Great Sam Tripoli, everybody? [VIDEO PLAYBACK] One more time for Pat O'Neill and Ladies and Gentlemen, playing us out tonight, playing us out tonight with his hit song, Fuck You Bitch. This is Wheelerwalker, Jr. A 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3. [MUSIC PLAYING] You say we're done. You packed up your stuff. It's really over. Said you've had enough. There's one thing I'd like to say for you late. Fuck you bitch. You broke my heart. Fuck your friends, tearing us apart. Fuck your dog. Hope he never comes home. Fuck you bitch. Hope you wind him around. Now you're gone, and I'm by myself. Jerkin' off to pictures on my sale. But before I swipe on your face, I just scream, hey. Fuck you bitch. You broke my heart. Fuck you dog, hope he never comes home. Fuck you bitch. Word is out. You found someone new. Well, I hope he does it for you. But if not, and you call me up, darling, please. Fuck you bitch. You broke my heart. Fuck your dog. Fuck you bitch. Fuck you bitch. We're a walker, but you, girl, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We're a walker, junior. Pull it out for a certain two weeks. Red bands say something. I love you guys. We're going to be at the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. And we're in Las Vegas, Nevada, November 13th, and 14th. Get tickets. TonyHingeFlip.com. We love you. God bless America. Step carefully. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]