091. Kim Congdon, Uncle Lazer, Sam Roberts | Toys

Hey everybody go check out BigJ comedy.com for tickets to all my shows. I'm touring around the Greatest Yapper Live tour. I got Providence coming up. Netflix is a joke festival followed quickly after that by Spokane and so many more over BigJ comedy.com. And check me out on the road as well. Lewis of Skanks.com is my website. This weekend I'm in Toronto. Obviously we have four amazing shows of story wars live in Los Angeles for the Netflix is a joke festival. But then I'm in Fort Myers Florida right after that Springfield Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, and more. My website is Lewisofskanks.com. Grab those tickets now and we'll see you on the road. Ladies and gentlemen it's story wars with the story warriors. BigJ Oh my god welcome the story wars everybody. New York makes some fucking noise. Would you get out of town? I swear to god this is my favorite book. Sorry I got excited. From and I shit you not kindergarten until I was like graduating fifth grade and I was like that's the shit that's my book. Yeah I listen I'm fucking with you dude. We always ask this at the beginning of every show how many people here are familiar with the game story wars. How many people are not familiar with the game story wars. Oh fuck you. Fuck you bitch. That's called customer acquisition right there. You have to really want to be here. You have to want to be here because it's your first time they're gonna boo you. If you don't know the game it's okay we're gonna explain it to you once we get our esteemed panel of guests up here. Our first contestant tonight with a school record of 1&0 here this is actually a good match tonight with a record of 1&0 on story wars you know him from the WWE. You know him from Sam Roberts show on Series XM. How about it for the great Sam Roberts. Samuel thank you for coming back. You're a former story warrior. A story warrior. Yes thank you for having me. Absolutely. I love this game. You're probably you're so much better probably broadcasting than me. How do you get around when someone's introduction like credits all the things are like their name. You say their name first. It kills the pop I feel like that. It kills the pop. You're like from the Sam Roberts show. They're like I guess it's Sam Roberts. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of. I should just say me. I should just say from the WWE and then it said you and everybody confused as fuck. They're like the Brock Lesnar is gonna walk out. Hey everyone. It's me Sam Roberts from WWE. I realize that you look like a young Walter White like if they did a prequel. Thank you. Like the teenage years of Walter White. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like rugged but not actually a bad guy. Yeah. Like it's like a school teacher. Yeah. Kind of. We just let it grow in our second competitor making his story. Where's they be? Very excited about having this guy on the show. You know him from his many appearances on Killtony Club and up for Uncle laser. On the laser welcome to the show my man. Nice fucking having me man. Absolutely. I'm excited. I'm excited. I feel like Uncle laser stories are gonna pop out. Yeah. Yeah. One time I was trying to run him off a whale's cock. I tried to ride him in other people's voices. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah. Exactly. I was water skiing with two alligators pulling me. Last but not least our final contestant. Also a story warrior with a record of one and oh and clearly because of the order it was written on the paper. Mm-hmm. Clip. Huh? Oh. Well from the Kim Cong then show. No, I'm kidding. Because of the order these names were written on the paper I can only assume Lewis wanted her to be far away from him as possible on the show. One half of his most toxic relationship. It is the hilarious the stunning Kimberly Cong. Thank you for having me. You guys really were split birth. That's my cousin. Can't we're happy to have you back former winner of story wars former story warrior. How you feeling coming back onto the show? I'm stoked. I'm ready. I see we've upgraded the books. We're down to first grade level books. That's a great book. What are you two years now? And you guys are up to green eggs and ham. Don't be an asshole. Okay, sorry. If you aren't familiar with the game story wars is your first time listening at home is a very simple game. All five of us on this panel including Lewis and I have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject. Toys. Oh. Toys. Childhood whimsy. Childhood. Or dildos. Thank you, sir. One of the other. You played either way I guess. Yeah, you played both sometimes. Alex, our lovely producer is going to take eight of those stories at random and read them off. If it is, there's going to appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool people to think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool the person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story up there, that is an opportunity to get four points. That's a huge opportunity. Don't waste it. I'll tell you right now, it's so much fun. What you got to do is you have to, oh, by the way, when you write your answer on the dry, I fucked it up, Jay. Jay got me high before the show. You beat the shit. You put your, you write the name of your vote on the dry race board. Won't you put the dry race board in the slot right here and remove your hand that your final answer. You can't change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, it's so much fun. We're playing. We play. It's so much fun. Every week, there's one check in the back. I'm sorry to bully you. You're going to have a lot of fun tonight. But you know what, bitch? We're not playing for fun. We didn't bully her. You bullied her. Let him know what we're playing for today. Big guy. Every week, here on Story of Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story of Wars Library. This week, our winner takes home green eggs in hand by Dr. Seuss. Fucking yes. We did it. In this children's classic, Sam's life has turned upside down when he comes across an unnamed antagonist who, due to unspoken personal preferences, is not open to eating the titular green eggs and ham that he's being offered. Join Sam on a journey of growth and the challenges that come with acceptance. You're, I'm like, I'm like Sam I am. What's the other guy's name? Does he have a name? I haven't read this since I was four. You gotta jump back in. It's a great story. Based your life off of it. But I'm like Sam I am and you're like the other guy with you making vacations. Like I'm like, you would love them in a boat. You would love them out of the goat. There are both the goats in Jamaica. And you're just like, no, I don't want to fucking do them. Fuck face, get out of my house. That's you. Is that one of the racists, Dr. Seuss Strong's with big lips and shit? Jay's like, I like my eggs and ham white. If you wouldn't mind. I like my white ham. I think everybody gets this going to get it. Well, I'll ask you, is this crowd ready for war? Come on. I see this is crowd ready for war. So ready on coming to club. Alex, do us the favor story number one. Story number one. There was a clown doll in my childhood bedroom that used to keep me awake at night with its terrifying stare. I could have moved it whenever I wanted to. But I just accepted it every night. - That's crazy. - Puzzies. - Hold that in front. (audience laughing) - No, you can vote if you'd like, but I mean you-- - Give a second. - Wow. - Very quick. - That's high confidence. - I'm scared of a clown. - Come on, man. - Somehow you got three K's into the first K in her name. (audience laughing) He always has some right at three times. - That's okay. - She gets a fence that's how I spell it, so. - Kikikikim. - Kikikikim. - So he wrote a Kim right away. That's okay. - Why are you saying Kim, Uncle Azir? - How is it dull? - Right. - So like you can move a doll. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - Maybe a girl doesn't have the strength to move the doll. - That's not the only thing you think I was strong enough to pick up the doll. - Only girls have dolls, and only girls are weak enough where they can't move the doll. - The logic is sound. (audience laughing) - The logic is sound. - You can't answer your own question there, bud. - I just realized when Uncle Azir has to think he falls apart. (audience laughing) - When it's all just like energy is one of the funniest people on the planet, but if you give him a moment to think, he looks like he's gonna get a bloody nose right now. (audience laughing) - Should I change my answer? - No, you can now, your hands off them. - It's Kim. - Look, you're saying Kim. - Yeah, you pussy-ass bitch. - Here's, can I tell you my first instinct is Big J because I would say right now I had a clown doll in my house. - So you used to fuck all your dolls. - I didn't fuck 'em all. - A couple of them. - Good thing I didn't put one of those stories in here. - You remember those? I was like, Jay's gonna remember me. - I was like kidding, you fucked the one bitch. You fucked all of them for real. - I fucked a lot of dolls. - I didn't know that. I only know the bare. - I know the bear, you think. - Well the bear was the sexiest one. - The one that you cut the pussy into. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - I slid, I slid it between its legs. It was a shitty one that you went at the carnival. So like inside of it was like just crumbled up styrofoam. - Yeah. - You did it kind of in the front too, so you can hug it and talk in a tear while you did it. - It's probably like cotton candy. My sister called me. My sister came home one day and I didn't click the bathroom door when I tried to like when I was humping it. And she opened the door and then she just ran away. She like left the house for like four hours. I had a joke about it and I used to say, I was like she ran into the woods and I was like, I was like, I remember being like to your God in heaven. I hope a real bear comes and murders her. (audience laughing) But first he uses her to masturbate. He like hums her. - Yeah. - That was a good bit. (audience laughing) - Sounds good. - It's a great bit. It's a very funny story, but I feel like that was a lot of distraction. - I agree. - That was crazy. - I agree. Can I tell my vote or what? - I didn't think it was Lewis and all because I knew my guess would be if he, anything was afraid of he would just fuck it in his room and then he knows he dominated like a dog. - It's true. (laughing) I hope anything I'm afraid of. - With that whole fucking, that whole spiel, I mean, Kim, what are you saying? What are you thinking here? - I think it's you, Lewis. - Please. - And I will say this because I know that you have a sister. I know that you had an abusive mother and a clown doll makes sense there. - Yeah. - Right across from your room. - Clown doll is if you hate your kid, you put a clown doll in the room. - Yeah, and you have it stare at them at night. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's mean. And I like that, I think that you would say immediately, oh, I'm glad I didn't use that story 'cause I have clown dolls because I feel like you had nothing else to think about. And you were like in your head, you were like in the moment, I'll say. (laughing) I'm glad you didn't think about it. And everybody will be like, wow, fucking, it can't be him. - Can I tell you who seems to be laying in the cut without his name being mentioned at all, thinking this is going great is Sam Robertson. (laughing) Before you fucking vote, Lewis, I will say Sam, it's just been like, everyone's been saying anything but Sam and Sam just like. - Sam gives the energy of a man that would move a doll. - Wait, Sam, I feel like the energy of a man who would appreciate that. That is a high compliment in this room. - It doesn't say a doing to clown doll. - That's true. - It just says a clown doll. - That has a large collection of dolls to this day, I guarantee it. - They're action figures. (laughing) - There is a difference. - And I watched them at night. - Yeah. (laughing) - I stand behind you on that. - So I'll tell you, at first I thought laser was very defensive putting that answer up immediately to kind of get everybody off the track, but then Lewis said, real quietly, I mean, I had a clown doll, but, which it's like, to your point. - He knows the game. - The immediate distraction from. And then didn't mention the clown doll again at all. - A woman's entire comedy career saying something and then amassing the same exact thing right after. (laughing) I mean, to the tee, like you didn't just fucking say that. (clapping) - Listen to what I say. - Actually, actually, Jay, I think I have a point. I'm not golf, Sam. - Listen to our, are you go girl audience? See, this is like a rookie like audience. (laughing) Woo, you get a girl. - Just turn into the view in here. - That's crazy. - Did you guys just say the same exact thing because I really, it sounded like wank, wank, wank, and then Sam just laid down some gnaw to thank you. Somebody had to say it. - Yeah, it was like, Kim, please. (laughing) - But I don't think this is Lewis. - It's not me, Jay, I'll tell you right now. And I don't think it's Jay either. I'm getting some uncle laser vibes. Here's the thing, at first I was like, so uncle laser, when he has to think, he starts to freak out. But I think what's going on is when he has to lie, he starts to freak out. Look at his face right now. He's trying to hold it together. - Do you think that guy doesn't lie? Not to his friends. - Listen, I understand I blew him a little too early on the judge's call, but sometimes you get that gut feeling, you know? - Sure. - And sometimes it's indigestion. And I might be wrong. - Yeah, he definitely has IBS or something. I sort of got, no one should's more than this guy. - Can I tell you something without playing the game so much and not voting that quick often. I oftentimes write down Lewis and let myself get talked out of it because I do hear a story right away and go, it's about to Lewis. - Jay starts from Lewis and works himself out. - Quick question, once it's up here, it's official. You can't pull it down. - You can ride it right here. - Okay. - We went over the rules in the back, but I wasn't listening. But I didn't, I didn't. That seems to be, that seems to be a regular current with Phil Tony, regulars. - Well, they're all retarded. - They're crippled. - Yeah, they're crippled or black, you know what I'm saying? - Laser is my vote. - I'm putting Lewis's mind. - I'm going with Uncle fucking loser. - What are you got? - Wow. - I've got Lewis. - Lewis because you took laser as soon as I said it. - You're trying to misdirect. - Wow. - Well, you wasted your vote. - I don't think so. - Don't ask. - I'm doing Lewis, 'cause you went to laser. You're trying to misdirect. (laughing) - Kim, Sam just said that. - Thank you. - Alex. - Jay, why the fuck would you vote for me? First of all. - You'll find out in a sec. - Alex? - Story number one, belongs to Big Jay Okerson. - Oh! Wow! - Oh shit. - Wow. - Wow. - Big Jay wants green eggs in him. He wants to come with me to Jamaica. It's happening, boys. I want the whole shabang. - That was incredible. - Thank you. That was my first instinct. - You did say it first and then maybe nervous. - Fuck. - Well, here's why I also remember when you said, this should have said, "Dwink the clown." - Yeah. - Because you're a wrestling guy. If I had told you that this was a Ronald McDonald's. (laughing) - Everybody would have jumped on that earlier, shit. But it was a Ronald McDonald that I think at one point had a whistle you put in his mouth, but the whistle was broke. So he just had like a oo face like this. (laughing) And my age takes me to, when I was a kid, I watched way too young poltergeist. And poltergeist has a scene where he hates his fucking clown doll that sits in a rocking chair. And then it's not in the rocking chair. And he looks under his bed and it's behind him in the whole fucking crazy thing. And I never thought about it. During the day, it was just my Ronald McDonald that was sitting there, never thought about it. And then at night, I had no TV in my room. It was like lights out. And I would just stare at this fucking Ronald McDonald. Terrified every night. Terrified the point where I couldn't move to get up and move it. And in the morning, I'd be like, "Why do I get so crazy at night?" It's just a Ronald McDonald. (laughing) - Did you call him Ronald McDonald? - Probably. - I'm not gonna lie. I have like a similar thing with sleeper hours. I can have that thing in the corner where I freeze up. But my sleeper hours demon is Tony Inchcliffe. - It's probably this. - He's like a Boba Duke, she's in the corner of the room. - He's ready to have the best night of your life. (laughing) - He's got his back to you because he's on all fours, but his head's turned totally around to you. Ah! Alex, one story down. I mean, I think it's pretty easy to calculate our score, but where are points at? - Well, in first place with four points, Big J. Oger said. (cheering) - Big sweep there. But I will say oftentimes, I come out of the gates hitting hard. And then I just fucking suck shit for seven more stories. What kind of night is tonight? Let's find out. - We'll see. - It's so ahead already. - Alex. Story number two. (dramatic music) - Story number two. When I was a young child, I was taught in detail how to make a sex toy by an adult. -Can I say two ways this can go? -Lewis and Lewis. -No. Yeah, I agree with what Kim's writing right now. This is definitely -- I feel like Uncle Laser. Weirdly enough, even with -- even with Lewis sitting here, most likely to have a guy who comes home from jail and goes, "Oh, dude, you could just put a fucking sock in some shampoo in a paper towel roll and fuck that." But yet, we're all thinking because of it is that, like, it's easy enough to be, like, Kim's auntie came over and she was like, "You could put a condom on a cucumber." [ Laughter ] -Hortorykins don't like cucumber that much. -Well, enough to fuck it. -You could put not kind of on an avocado roll. -Okay, come on. We were fucking plantains, Eric. -They're so teeny. -They're harder. -So, I'm -- -You're going to be a big plantain. -Can you? -Oh, yeah. -I didn't know. -What? -You should call the plantain teeny. You're a big plantain. -You could get a big plantain. -Sorry. I was never looked the island for them. So, Sam, you also have -- I was once molested energy. -No, I don't. [ Laughter ] -Do that bald head and that great -- I'd seen some shit here, Sam. -I know. -This is a crime. -I'm pretty widely known for my wholesome upbringing. This is just not something that would strike me. -You also have a beautiful head of hair that you shave off. -You think? -Yeah. -Did you -- I mean, it starts back here. -Oh, does it now? -Yeah. -Yeah. I didn't catch the receipt, but I like the big curlies. -I mean, I did too. They're gone. God took them. -I didn't mean to make him upset. I don't think it's Sam. -All right, maybe it's not, maybe it's not Sam. This is only a laser -- -How is it not laser, dude? Come on. Don't just vote, yeah. Hold on. -Well, it's either laser or Lewis. -It's not. That's not going to be its own show, laser or Lewis. -What? You think -- Yeah, really should. You think one of Lewis's uncles came over from Gianni. He was like, "Could a hole in the front of that bear?" [ Laughter ] -No, dude. This is Uncle Laser, fucking a pile of chuck steak and a sock. -Yeah. I can see -- I think it's Uncle Laser, too. I can see him telling this story. My mom came home with an old applesauft kind of thing. She threw some plastic wrap over it and said, "Get it. How you getting it? Don't live until you live it." -My uncle was like, "Don't waste that fucking soup, can!" -You know what you do to Jelly? You'll fuck it. -It's just crazy, y'all. Y'all think that I had an adult around me enough to teach me how to fuck a doll. [ Laughter ] -That could be our folly in this guest. -No, no, no. I think that Laser's had his mom around him and she was a heavy sexual influence. -She worked at Frito Lay. -She worked at Frito Lay, Kim, bitch. -My mom was free to lay. [ Laughter ] -No, but there was a price to lay Lewis's free to. Mom. -What? -I'll try to get all the words in. [ Laughter ] -You wrote down my name. I'm still not changing it, man. -Why is that? Why is that? [ Laughter ] -He's grunted at him. -I feel pretty confident about this one. -Yeah. -Yeah. -I think it's funny that we're all putting out our childhood trauma and there's just people with cups of popcorn like -- [ Laughter ] -It's like -- I'm sad. -There's also people we find out now at their tables keeping score for themselves and not giving a shit about your emotions about these stories. -Yeah. -That's crazy. -Here it is. Uncle Laser's doing a lot of acting right now. -Oh, yeah. -Doing good. -Psh, psh, psh, psh, laser. -If this is Sam, it's gonna blow my flocking line. -This is Sam. He's clinging down. -Is he the Sam or Laser? This isn't Big J. -Oh, God. All right. -We're all in Alex. -Story number two belongs to Lewis J. Gomez. [ Cheers and applause ] -Bad him! -He almost had fun! [ Laughter ] -Oh, my. -Oh. -I'm sorry. I'm just enjoying a nice delicious cock over here. [ Laughter ] A nice, delicious, perfect round cock. That's an exaggeration. Dude, we have to suck the perfect round cock. Look, we get it. -It's spit on it for me. -Fuck. -Oh. -The angry spit. -Oh, perfect round. I love it. Yeah, so this -- -By the way, my daughter's here and she grew up with us. -Oh, no. I literally forget every time your daughter's here, I want to think of the dirtiest things to say. -Yeah. -She's in her 20s. -You looked over at his daughter while the pretend cock was still in your hand. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, you never put down. I just spit on it and he goes, "Oh, is it Bella? Oh, you're roommate. You were just as big when I remember you. I met her when she was like, "You can stop holding the pretendildo." -I met her on the head with it. You're so big now. -Oh, my God. I remember when you were this tall and now you're this tall. -I met your daughter when she was two years old, maybe one and a half. -Yeah. -It's insane. -Look, now you got to watch me pen to my macaque, bone to cock. -Well, your dad's spent all day happy. -You got it all enough to watch your dad spit on an imaginary penis and Uncle Lewis's hand. -The girl's so quick. -Where is this little girl? Sunrise, sunset. [ Laughter ] -So, who thought that was going to end in filler on the roof? I don't think anybody did. I don't think one person at home or here. [ Cheers and applause ] Fiddler on the roof. -So, this story was I was maybe 11, 10 years old, something like that. -27. -And I ended up having like a maybe a one or two week period where I was calling sex lines. -So, you get caught on the bill. And then you lie, you say you were calling a psychic. You have one round of that. -Horror skills. -I said horror skills. -Horror skills. -Well, you were scoping horrors, so. -No shit. Then you learn to just call and listen to the call a different number, but in a sexy voice ad, and you work it to that. -Yeah. -So, anyway, I would call this 100 numbers. -Well, I was just a big giant. I said, "How do you touch your pussy?" [ Laughter ] -I always call myself a giant. -Do you touch your pussy? Do you touch your pussy? Well, this is not big giant. -This little giant. -I always went by a size. [ Laughter ] -Quite in fact, this is his other friend. [ Laughter ] -So, I would call this 900 number. And first of all, before you even get on with a girl, they put you in like a holding room with like 12 other dudes. And everyone's just jerking their dicks, waiting to get on. And this is like pre-AOL. -So, guys, you ready for this? This is gonna be so great. -Yeah. -No, dude. -Where you at? -Yes. -Yes. -Yes. -Yes. -You're doing an age-sex location check in the voice chat, and there'll be these dudes being like, "Yeah, I'm 45. I'm a trucker." -Get out of here, old man! -Well, for me, I'm like 11, so I'm trying to deepen my voice to sound older for these manners. We're all stroking our dicks, waiting to get on with a girl. -I'm like 16 and a half. I'm 16 and a half. [ Laughter ] -So. -My dad's dead. [ Laughter ] -Any new truckers with a party? [ Laughter ] -So, eventually, I got out of the girl, and the girl, she was doing her job was to keep me on for as like $4 a minute. So, it's her job to keep me on for as long as possible. So, she's like, "Hey, I don't want you to just jerk off. Let's make a sex toy that you can fuck." So, she turned into like a project, and I'm sitting there with my dick right on the guard. What do you need? -He's doing the longest scavenger hunt in the town. -By the way, also, at the time, because it's probably something you never even over thought. Like, I wouldn't either. At the time, you're still like, "Well, it's a sexy girl voice, and you know that." -Yes. -But you now know that it's like a fat lady with like eight cats on her chair, like in a fucking RV going like, "Hey, baby." -And she's also sending the hardest things to find. So, it takes a long time. She's like, "I need three pieces of fiberglass." -Yes. [ Laughter ] -I need three pieces of fiberglass. Two spritzes of that cooking canola oil. Just two. -I need four shaves of fucking cedar wood. -You have to get a Babe Ruth rookie card signed. -I need paint. It's got to be mod. -So, no, she should be like a paper towel roll, and like some lotion, she should be lined with like paper towels. -There's things you didn't have in your house, like a mother's love. [ Laughter ] -That's hurtful. -Sorry. -Sorry, I love you. -So, yeah, that was that. And she had me make like a Fifi, as they call it in jail, right? -Yeah. -And yeah, then I fucked it. I jizzed in it, and I was like, "Oh, that was fucking great." -I'm gonna keep this. [ Laughter ] -You know why it's called a Fifi? -No. -Because of the sound it makes. when it makes, when your dick hits a pie, it goes, "Fipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipipip fifififififififififififififififififififi. That was a lot. We're crushing it right now, Jay. This is crazy. Time first place with four points each the story warriors Lewis James. Nobody is taking green eggs at hand. It's not happening. Never happened. That's never happened before. All right, sorry warriors. Let's take a quick moment to think. One of my favorite sponsors, which is ultra pouches. Um, pouches are super cool. All the cool kids are having pouches now. Nobody's smoking anything anymore. Nobody wants any of that stuff. But ultra pouches are the best because guess what? They don't have any of the stuff that you don't want. They're nicotine free. They're caffeine free and they're packed with powerful nutropics and vitamins. For mental clarity and hands focus, they will really make you feel good. They got, um, uh, what's called vitamin B12 as well, which I take daily. Anyway, I mean, alpha GPC, which is a great Neutropic that genuinely, you're going to feel the difference. Let's hear it out. It's a very powerful Neutropic. Um, if you want to help just focus memory, overall, just feeling good ultra pouches are going to give you that little lift anywhere, anytime, just like a nicotine pouch, but without any of the terrible side effects. And they also come in five great flavors, cool mint, winter green, tropical watermelon, and the all new blueras. That's right. It's the ultimate guilt free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. And new customers can use our code wars, W A R Z to get 15% off at take ultra dot com. That's take ultra dot com for 15% off with code wars with a Z. Wow. What a deal. All right, story warriors. Take a moment right now and check out body brain coffee, your number one functional coffee brand, not just regular coffee, but Colombian freeze dried premium coffee that's blended with powerful new tropics and adaptogens that are going to help you feel like the best version of yourself. It's got Tom Katali, Lion's main Ash Paganda and L Thienine blended in perfect, perfect combo that's going to help you with your hormonal balance, your mood and overall, your mental clarity and focus. Jay, I know you've been taking it right up your ass, but you should know right now, uh, we are actually about to start our pre cell for the creamer. Creamer pre cell starts May 4th. Um, so you don't have to put it in your ass anymore. Jay, you can just take that. I know you're not a coffee fan, but you can take the creamer and put it in your favorite Starbucks drink, but you love. No, I'll be putting this up my ass as well. You see, and by the way, I should tell you, I'm enjoying a cup right now, as we speak. You seem so clear, so clear headed and energetic, very clear, but I'm not going to lie. It gets a little dry in there. So the creamer really can help set things straight in there. I think this was maybe your greatest business move ever. Well, look, it's a game changer. You get your get hot cold. You can put it in a protein shake. However you want to drink it, I wouldn't suggest taking it in your ass, but Jay does it. So who knows if that works? It could work for you. Coffee animals are actually a thing. I'm still alive. Try the coffee. The creamers are completely different stacks. So you could pre order the cream, but we're doing this pretty cool thing right now, though. If you guys go to bodybrankoffie.com, use the promo code war 20 war two zero. We're going to give you 20% off a bag of body brain coffee, right? But check this out. If you subscribe to receive it every single month, you're getting 20% off. You're getting free shipping. And we're going to send you a five pack sample of the creamer before it is available anywhere else. We're starting our pre sale on May 4th. The creamers going to ship in June. You're going to get it right now. We have it in stock. It's going to be shipped to you right away. So right now, go to bodybrankoffie.com, use that promo code war 20 for 20% off today. All right. Where were we? That's story number three. Story number three. I once fought two different relatives at family Christmas for stealing my white elephant gift too many times. Now, I know this is going to sound like me. This is a very Puerto Rican story very. Yeah. And white, white elephant is Yankee swap, right? Is that the idea? Yeah, I was going to say it's not ours because Puerto Rican's called a Chinese gift exchange. Is that what they call it? Yeah. Because the Chinese steel. The Chinese steel, they smell like shit. You know, they feel the good shit and give you the bad plastic bag. And they kill their girl babies. You heard it here first. Well, that'll all be edited on the YouTube version. I don't know if you want to hear that. It's time people speak out real hate speech on the guest is a little version in Texas. We call it Indian giving. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Indian giving is just when you give somebody something and you take it back. Thank you come again. Yeah. But that is that is what this is. You get someone gets a gift and you take it back. Right. Oh, I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Sam, what did your family call it? We didn't celebrate this. What did you guys celebrate? We know each other gifts in a proper fashion. Where they had tags on them. We were in our living room. What's a Jewish thing? Yeah. Oh, you're one of those. Sorry. It was Christmas. It was Christmas. Everything had a gift for seats. That's right. Neatly folded. Most of it was from the gap. Yeah. I kind of feel like if you want to take it back and guess something in your own size, I understand. That's right. I'm going with Sam. White elephant. You can go with me. How did you guys call it? Jay? I don't know what to call this. Yeah. Because you called it. This might be you again. I never called it white elf. I don't know what this was. Also, I grew up I grew up with my Jewish family keeping mine. No, you were you. Oh, I see. Now that made me think it shit because you did grow up celebrating Christmas and things like that. I'd if I went to my dad's, we would do Christmas. You wouldn't Christmas that your mom's when my mom got married and started having kids with my stepfather. Yeah, for sure. And he was Jewish. Yeah. But that's the age that you're going to fight. How many Jews are here tonight? That's what I'm trying to find out. Oh, shit. There's no. Oh, man. Oh, my God. And I mean this too many Jews. Yeah. No one's ever said that except Palestine. There's too many Jews in the room right now. To make me feel so I've never said that. I don't know what that means. And always get scary after you joke about my. Did you call Dave? Why are you so slumped over, right? It kind of looks like it might be you. Katzai, something. If Lewis thought about it for two seconds, calling this me, I have no idea what white elephant gift means until they told me it meant Yankee swap, which I only know what that means because of the regs thing you guys did right the regs. Yeah. And so I don't know what that I've never played that what we call the little shot. I'll tell you the closest thing to the regs, right? That's what you call that horseshit. I don't know. You're fucking side pussy there. I would call what they call this and like my school would be secret Santa. Would be a thing. But I never did this with family. And I've also, Lewis, you know, that's what my uncle called his fingers, but you also know my, you want to play secret Santa? I played the chimney. See it's a secret. If you say something will both get in trouble. Uh, uh, I don't, here's the, you're not a fight your family. That's what I'm saying. That's why I thought you thought better everybody goes, Lewis is meant my family. I'm not really, yeah, I don't have a fight with my family. Cam has a fight with my father. I do. I do, I do. Her sisters, her mom, her aunts, her cousins, it's like if they didn't fight over, I thought most of my relatives on Christmas, all right, there we go. All right. That's, I mean, that's, all right, right? That's what we're talking about. This one, it's Kimberly, is it your first time smoking weed? Yeah, it's going on over there. This was it. Jesus Christ, they're reacting like 11 year olds. Kid, can I have some? I promise I won't make a scene like. Yeah, please pass it over. Listen, listen, I will say I fought family on Christmas. Kim, Kim physically hurts the people she loves. I know it firsthand. Kim Kong, I'm going to get the boat down. Do you want me to tell everyone when I hate you and have the story and how much of the bitch you were? One Latino went, uh, yeah, dude, I threw a jacket at him and it had a long zipper and it had a little plastic end and it hit him in the eye and I sort of got, he went, how could you? That's Kim, that's gotta be Kim. Don't wait. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Jay, don't do it. You're wasting on me. It's you were laser. It's either saying, okay, I'm not going to put my vote up yet because you guys all did, you guys did me last, which means made me think you wanted to think about it for longer and you two went right, right into it. Well, you literally go, I hit people at Christmas. Yeah. You were literally the first one to fucking say. That's what the story is. Kim, let me tell you, by the way, there's a chance here. It's you, you're right or all of us are right. But one of those two. I'm going laser. She's just swinging. Alex. Story number three belongs to uncle laser. Sorry, Kimmy. I like that little assist you do when you go, I hit everybody at Christmas. That really helped me. Sorry, Kimmy. Sorry, Kimmy. Don't hate me. I don't hate you. It's your point, buddy. You're furious. So I got to tell this story. See what happened. These are dollars, please. So cousin Carl and uncle Kenny, obviously. So my granddaddy passed away like a couple of months prior to Christmas and they said like leaving a will, you know, is like just auctioned off at Christmas with white Santa Claus or white elephant. And like we have steals, but like they're like fucking stealing a little too much. Like they're still at twice. And because one got an extra steal car, it's a long thing. But like, wait a minute, hold on. Back this up. This is your family ever died. My granddaddy died. So it is inheritance. You guys divvyed up in a game of Yankee swap. That's so crazy. I like it. Yeah, man, it's Christmas. Also, it seems like maybe the most fair thing I've ever heard of. Yeah, because everybody's found my daddy. My granddaddy had like seven kids, so there's a bunch of us. But he had his badass shotgun in Gravings on it. It was an over-under shotgun from like the '70s. Like they don't make them like that no more, you know? And fucking, they had it and I had it first and got it stolen. We had another steel car stolen back and then my cousin, he goes at the back end and he steals it back at the final or a piss face drunk at this point. So I'm like, that's just a little too much, you know? (audience laughing) Yeah, so me and my daddy jumped on them and we beat the fuck out of my daddy. (audience laughing) Now that's just a little too much. (audience laughing) He had two steel and a plastic sitting chairs back in the day like the butt. He cranked one of the fuckers over my uncle and to this day he can't save his right eye. (audience laughing) All over the shotgun. Yeah. Wow. So. Did you end up getting the shotgun at the end of it? Uh, no. (audience laughing) It was like a lawsuit. Yeah, I was selling shotgun. The whole family. The old one, one lawyer, yeah. (audience laughing) You can't get too too many details. Still an open case for you. Yeah. (audience laughing) What is the story that Alex Worreau points at? All right, in last place with zero points. Sam Roberts. (audience applauding) - Sarah Lee, it's Sarah Lee. - You got a big comeback. - It's Sarah Lee. - In fourth place with two points, Kim Kongde. (audience cheering) You coming back, baby? - In third place with three points, Uncle Laser. (audience applauding) - Antide for the lead with four points. Each Lewis J. Gomez and Big J. Overseer. (audience applauding) - Let me tell you something. Do you know somebody in this room is taking home green eggs and ham? Best part. Where Sam I am relentlessly follows the unnamed character from place to place as he continues to refuse. Insisting he does not like green eggs and ham. Anywhere or in any situation. - Did you never been to Jamaica? - Weather offered to eat them in a house. - Is this book about black people? (audience laughing) - With a mouse in the rain or on a train, his resistance remains firm. He does not like green eggs and ham. (audience applauding) - I want that book so bad. - It could be yours, Sam. - This game is far from over. Alex, please, story number four. - Story number four. When I was a kid, I once poisoned my best friends soda water with dish soap in hopes they would pass on and I could have their new video games. - If it wasn't video games, this is Kim would kill a friend, yeah. But, no. - Is this Sam for sure? (audience laughing) - Well, Kim, look, when I met Kim, she was really big in a video game. She still plays video games. - I still play video games. - She has a twitch. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I have a twitch from Dating Lewis, this fucking. (audience laughing) - Yeah, always guard your left. - It's a flinch. - Yeah. - It's not a twitch. Yeah, I mean, Kim plays video games, has since I've known her, so for a really, really long time. Kim, do you play video games as a kid? - I did, I did play video games as a kid. I played my whole life, but I'm not really one to poison my best friend so I could have their new video games because my cousin, Bradley, was nine months older than me and I always got to have whatever like, if he got the new thing, I got to get the next, like what he already had. - The hand me down. - I got the hand me down. So I always just wanted to do some of the new season. - Huge for a girl. - Yeah. - So hit a man in the eye with a jacket. (audience laughing) - Yeah, but I could have killed him if I wanted to. - Which is why you would kill this person to fucking get a video game. - If I didn't, I would have killed him. - If this, so you see. - Kimberly, if I whip you in the face with a jacket, people would call the police on me and say that I'm abusive, and then I am fucking crazy and elunitec, but she's just whip me in the face with the jacket and act like it's no big deal. Okay. - Clap if you think it's fine, I whip them in the face with a jacket. - That's the world you want to live in. - Clap if you're okay with it. - All the heathen horse. - If you don't fucking clap you piece of shit, I'm gonna beat you. - I'm scared. (laughing) - You're with the catch of fucking jacket in the face too. Watch your face. - No, I'm not really. - The zipper is hard. - Yeah. - I'm not really one. I'm not really one to get vengeance for like, I'm not like a jealous. I don't want to take from people. If you take from me, that's what happens. I get mad. You take my time, my energy, my early 20s, like something like that. (laughing) - By the way, I, this is getting real. - This is getting real. (laughing) - No, I'm serious. That's why it's not me. I don't want other people's things. It's not my style. - Yeah. - Hey, it's a bell. Remember Auntie Kim? (laughing) - Hi, sweetie. (laughing) - All right, so poisoning your best friend. It doesn't have Kim right and all over it. Kim is not in a story yet, right? - No, I've not been in a story yet. - No, but that doesn't matter. - But I didn't, and this is definitely a guy thing, man, like to kill. This is your guys' thing. (laughing) - You literally find people in Christmas, man. I mean. - I'm putting it on saying. - Give me a, you are out of control. - Sam, do you? - Sam's got, he's like too clean cut. He's got serious, like, dark energy. Like, you would kill for something like that. - Do you, are you a video games guy? - I enjoy video games. - Yeah. - Especially when it was younger, when he was a kid, for sure. - Where a kid, yeah, yeah. - What was your favorite game? - I like all the WWE games. - What system was your favorite that you had? - What system was this about? - I don't know. It's not my story. - All right. - All right. - Sam also, here's the thing. You said you grew up fine, right? Your family was fine, you weren't broke. - You weren't broke. - No, no, no. - No, this just strikes me as a broke family. - No, this isn't an entitled kid who wants all of the video games. - I think that too, man. - Yeah. - And I was gonna feel it. - This isn't a broke family. This is a kid who wants another best friend. - Upper middle class. He can't have everything but he wants it all. And he's never been told though. He's willing to murder his friend. - Is that what you put up in upper middle class? - This is white privilege. - I mean, the second part was the important part. The like, I want everything and I'll murder a friend. - If you're upper class, you're the guy who your friends want to murder for your video games. - As upper class. - Okay. - They call him the son of Sam. - Fuck. - And that's who my vote is for. - It's either. - Is this mouth open like they're Ronald McDonald's? (laughing) - It's gotta be, I think he's kidding. - What's up? - Don't waste it on me, dog. - I think he's kidding. - It's me. - It ain't motherfucking me. - It's true, it's not a crime of passion. It's a crime of great intention. This is not about revenge or hating the person. This is about wanting more, the video games. (laughing) - Also, something about the word soda water. I hate. - Yeah, it's a rich, rich, it's rich. It's rich and white. - Oh, bubbly. - Also, we've never had soda water before. - Don't be scared, yeah. - I didn't have one soda water. - I swear to God, till I was 22. The same year, I learned about soda water. - Can I get it with a club soda? Can I get a club soda? Yeah, dude, that's that fucking redhead and rich motherfucker. - I would've said celtzer. - Celtzer, yeah. - Redhead. - And I never had celtzer as long as it was my 20s. - I'm colorblind. - I still haven't had celtzer. Celtzer doesn't make sense to me. If you drink water and then somehow it's dry. - And pass on. Something about pass on, it's a rich way to say die. - Yeah, I also don't trust water. - It is, only rich way people say pass, he passed on. - Okay, well, was he your grandfather with money, huh? (laughing) - How is this somehow just adding bubbles to water makes it take out wine? I don't trust that. - Sam votes for Kim. Everyone else votes for Sam. Alex, all of our answers are in for story number four. Whose story was this? - Wow, everybody. - Story number four. - Not Big J again. - Alongs two. Uncle laser. - No, fucking way. (audience cheering) - You guys had soda water? - Hey, remember when I did the first question too fast? Everybody thought I was a fucking idiot? (audience laughing) It's called the long game, fellas. (audience laughing) - I can't argue. - Oh, he's shit. - I needed that bat. - This one's kind of dark and I don't know why. (audience laughing) When they, you know, they said they give you the description of what to do and you know, he kind of writes some questions. I'm like, oh yeah, I did try to kill that boy. (audience laughing) - What was the video game? - It was, I saw, and I wrote in the question, I'm glad she took it out, 'cause if you done, like the whole way I wrote it, you wouldn't know it was me, but-- - WWE. - No, it was Game Boy Color. It was Pokemon Red. (audience laughing) - Oh, sure, Pokemon Red. - Why did you think that would give you away? - I mean, just-- - You called it, he called it Game Boy Color. - Uh-oh. (audience laughing) - Yeah. No, but he would, like, we, like, he lived on the, like, the richest soda town and he had, like, cool shit, and I'd go there and play with him and stuff. And like, like, he let me play on a video game and then he, like, take it away and, like, hold dang it over my head and shit, and he was kind of an asshole about it. And then, you know, I'm, like, nine, and Thurgood, listen, the fucking cup, my life, into pieces. (audience laughing) - Hell yeah, dude. - It's the fuck I shot him. - Got none over, you know? And so, I was like, and I didn't know how to kill nobody, 'cause I was nine, you know? And so, I was like, I just put a dish open there in his soda pop, in soda water. - Did you just make him shit a ton? - Well, he started, I then halfway through, I felt bad, and-- - He started, he started hick-hipping bubbles. - I started realizing, I started realizing, oh shit, I'm probably gonna kill him, you know what I'm like? Hey man, I put fucking dish open there, spit it out. And he just threw up a bunch, and I had to call it the CDC, the-- - Where's the control? - Where's the control? - CDC, whatever, and, where's the CDC? - Hey, yeah, then. That a pompous, that a pompous stomach. - Oh my god. - Hey, my mom. I hang on, man, lots you don't know about me. (audience laughing) - That's why you're sexy though, or you're still a mystery. (audience laughing) - Bad boy, he hit us in here. - What was in that weed? (audience laughing) - Alex, wow, that was an incredible story. Four stories down, where are our points at? Uncle A's are just cleaned up. - All right, in last place, with zero points, Sam Roberts. (audience applauding) - And to be fair, I knew that that one wasn't me. I was the whole world. - You did, you did know that. - In fourth place, with two points, Kim Kongden. (audience applauding) I'll be back. - Tied for second place with four points. Each, Lewis, Jay, Gomez, and Big Jay, Oakerson. (audience applauding) And in the lead, with seven points. - Oh my god, your father, fucker. - Uncle laser. (audience applauding) - I didn't think I'd be this pissed about losing. I will say that. - Yeah, yeah. - We're actually like fucking roots. - Yeah. - Have you had one before? - Yeah, that's wild. - Better. - Yeah, everyone, everyone hears the story warrior. We're going to two plugs real quick. We do have a second half of this show. Kim, what are you plugging real quick? - Kim Kongden.com for show dates. Me and Uncle laser are going to be hitting Florida and a June for the Morgan and Morgan Tropical Depression Tour. (audience laughing) - Yeah, it's true. We're sponsored by a motherfucking law firm. (audience applauding) And I have a book coming out, Blunt Force Trauma. Keep a look out for that. (audience applauding) - Uncle laser. - Sponsored by law firm. (audience laughing) - If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em. (audience laughing) - Yeah, Uncle laser got the trunk, Uncle. Just googled me, skipped the first page, 'cause that first page is going to be my winner. - And then, yeah, Uncle laser. - And we'll see how Punch Up comes in on a road. - Yeah. (audience applauding) - Mr. Roberts, of course, Sam Roberts show. The aforementioned mornings on Sirius XM General 103. - Oh yeah. - Thanks. - Thank you. - Big J. Oakerson, bigjcomedy.com for all my dates. Greatest of the Apple Live Tour happening now. Check out the Bonfire with me and the great Robert Kelly. Five days a week, Faction Talk, Sirius XM 103. And of course, the flagship show right over here can have digital, the Legion of Skanks. (audience applauding) And follow my YouTube. Epic J. Oakerson, I do live streams inconsistently. - Speaking of gas digital, if you guys love this show, you should know we do the uncensored and ad-free version. Every Monday night for subscribers, it comes out before it goes anywhere else, get it at gas digital.com. Use the promo code war, save a couple bucks a month, it supports the show directly. You also get to enjoy the show without ads, without any censorship. We have to edit out a lot of stuff for YouTube and all those other platforms. So it's a great way to enjoy the show. There's also a bunch of episodes that are no longer available on YouTube or anywhere else. So the entire On Demand Library and then thousands of hours of other incredible podcasts. Sign up for my mailing list at louisofskanks.com, get all my dates there, check out all the pods that I do by my book, Knives and Spoons Available at Amazon right now. And just, you know what? Thanks for just being real ass fans. Thank you. (audience applauding) Come see us live. - Louis, before I move on, is it unprofessional if we had popcorn and pretzel splits up here? The answer is yes, but you should have whatever you'd like. You're losing the game right now. (laughing) I think I want popcorn. - I think I want popcorn. - Speaking of popcorn, can I plug one more thing? - Yes. - Please. - Hey, Ms. Donald, what's your name? - Oh my god. - Can I get some of that popcorn? (audience laughing) No, are you TV? (audience laughing) - Okay, never mind, I'm good. I don't want to popcorn, no. Sorry. - Oh shit, Maryl looks like a fucking - I just look at you. - I'm vampire now. - Yeah, dude, like, yeah. - I wanted to bite my dick. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - She died in 1957. - She's 149. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - These are her little minion boys next door, and she fucking makes do weird shit. - She feeds on their arms. (laughing) - She does look like she walks them on a leash, huh? - Yes, absolutely. - She's pretty good with sword play. - I'm bouncing, your farest only look like they smell. You look like the care for cancer. (audience laughing) - She said what? (audience laughing) - Hey, she's a vampire. The cancer can't get her. - She's like, I can't drink your blood, you're too stupid. (audience laughing) - Then I will get it. (audience laughing) - I want to call the cops. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) - Well, we have reached the second half of our show, and Sam, I know you're bombing. Zero points, which I will say, you know, no one's ever got to anybody do a zero point game. (laughing) - So you are. - That's so demeanor. (audience applauding) - I love a record though. - There's something in the record. - That's what I'm saying. - There's something to be said for, is huge. - That's a challenge to keep it at zero. - I know, I've won once. If I could end this one at zero. - You'd be a master of two domains. - That's right. But Sam, don't worry, you're not out of this game at all. You're actually, you're one perfect round away from being in the lead. - One more. - Because we changed things up for the final four stories, and you know this, you did this show before. We always go double points. (upbeat music) - What did you say Kim? - Double points. (audience cheering) - I am really hoping that I get some double points. (audience cheering) - Say, Uncle Layton, you haven't won the game, but if you've won a game of sword wars, you can trigger double points. (audience cheering) - Try it, try it, try it. - I'm gonna be honest with you, right now with me being so far in the lead, the double points, fucks me, but let's do it anyway. (audience cheering) - You've never won. - Try again, buddy. Maybe after a win. (audience cheering) - Can't wait to win this game when I get more double points. (audience cheering) - Hey, this guy's acting like he's allowed to say double points. (audience cheering) (audience cheering) - I get it now. I get it. (audience cheering) Took me a few, but I got it. Took me a few bothers to it. Okay, got it now. - You got it now, man. - It was your first time, Uncle Layton, it's a pretty simple concept before, if you fooled somebody about-- - I thought it was so much fun. (audience cheering) - Before, and the first-- - Yeah, double points are the best. (audience cheering) - Hey, what do you know about double points? (audience cheering) - Awesome. Guys, we gotta move on with the game. Please stop saying double points. (audience cheering) - Wait, does someone have their camera? Get this. Double points. (audience cheering) - That feels like-- - I know, we gotta move on. - That feels like coming. - Before, if you fooled somebody, you got a point. If you get somebody correctly, you got two points. That actually bumps up and that'll double point. (audience cheering) - Let's all get out of here and fuck. (audience cheering) Alex, story number five. - Story number five, I have asked for gift receipts at stores for toys that I was buying for myself. - I'm sorry, Sam, but it's definitely you, dude. (audience laughing) - We even made a joke that he had the receipts earlier. I remember. - This could have been the round where you took the lead. (audience laughing) - Have you fooled everybody? - I believe this is a misdirect. I have no shame in my hobbies. You asked me about what you misrepresented in their action figures, but you asked me about them earlier. And I had no shame whatsoever at no point. If somebody said, "Do you need a gift for seat?" I would pridefully look them in the face and say, "Of course I don't." - Well, that was an impassioned speech. - Thank you. I feel passionate about that. - Absolute bullshit, Sam. You are the only one to this day who's buying toys for himself. Everyone else grew out of toys 30 years ago on this panel. But you're like a WWE nerd. Like you're, you know, you buy action figures, still. - Oh, you did say the action figure thing. - Yeah, but I work for WWE again for free. - Yeah, but no, I think that-- - Can't get a receipt when they're free. - That's right. - Not the old fucking NWA ones. - And by the way, I'm not the only wrestling fan up here. - There's an NWA logo tattooed on that man's wrist. He's misrepresenting himself. - Oh. - Who? - What do you fucking ice, relax, dude? - Oh, wait. - Oh, wait. - The only, the only toys that Uncle Laser is buying are butt plugs and cock rings. He's not buying. - That's a good point, too. - For the same training. - I could see Jay buying toys, though, too. -Jay seems like a toy guy. -Yes. -I'd say something. -Is it Bella? -I'd say it's a lot. -Daddy got toys? -Jay didn't even buy Isabella toys. -It's true. -It's true. -She has a grill. -I didn't buy her that. -I don't buy toys for myself. -Is Jay a toy guy, Lewis? -No, a toy guy. -Would Lewis buy a toy for himself? -Not a toy guy. -I'm thinking about a toy guy. -I've said this many times. If society wouldn't look weird upon it, I could still get down with some GI Joe's. -They look weird upon that? -They do. -I will say right now because I have a 13-year-old son who went through an entire GI Joe phase. Jay, it's just not as much fun as you remember it. -I would try to do the kick and the flipy kick and the legs come like that. It's just, you're really a board of it after a couple minutes. -Can I tell you real quick something that James did to me? -Oh, God. Yeah. That's Lewis's son, John. -Lewis's son who I met when he just turned four years old. -Oh, God. I'm the doll. -Stepmother pornography. I've seen this. -Who called me two weeks ago to tell me his favorite memory was the sound of my laugh. And then I see him on Easter Sunday and he grabs my foot and goes, "I'm really into massaging feet." -I showed him from "Dustal Dawn" scene, but it was, I was doing the whole movie. -But he literally. -He specifically, when I was scrolling through Netflix, made me stop at Selma Hayek and went, "Wait, go back." And I went back and he went, "Selma Hayek, she's so hot." -He said she. -He was trying to get you warning. -He said she's Latina. Yeah, that's what he said. And I said, "Cool." And I kept scrolling and he goes, "You know, it's so crazy. I really like massaging feet." And then he grabbed my fucking foot. -And squeezed it twice before I ripped it away. -That's hot. -Did he take it back like a totem? [ Laughter ] -I will say the two squeezes were great, but. -Yeah, James is the fucking man. -He is the man, dude. -I have the same story with your daughter. -We're talking about David James, guys. -Baby James! [ Cheers and applause ] -Lewis did try to massage my daughter's feet, luckily. -Sure. -She called the cops. -Nobody went to jail. He said she said. -All right. We're just wasting a lot of time. Everyone is going to vote for Sam on this one. I think everyone's gonna be all right. -I think it was Jay. -Oh, shit. That makes me feel more than ever, Sam. -Hi, man. Can I. Can I. -You get it? -No, it's not. -And I don't. And I don't. Here's why I think it was Jay. I don't think it happened recently. I think it happened when Jay was like 19 years old. He hadn't quite grown out of it. -So I'm just gonna say. -I started comedy at 19. I wasn't worried about toys. -Well, I'm getting drunk. -I was trying to entertain black people who would have really tied a good laugh at me about those toys. -I've never been more certain on who this is, this question, and my first off, she spilled an entire fucking beer on me right here right now. -I'm not gonna lie. -I'm gonna wear that on my leg until I walk out of here tonight on that. And I wrote it down, and I'm gonna. I'm gonna wrote it down. I'm gonna show you. But then I'm gonna. 'Cause that's the beard it got on me. But I'm gonna race you just to fucking ride it bigger. 'Cause I've never been more sure of anything in life. -I play poker with this woman. -Don't go all in. -And as soon as her mother fucker went up, this is why I wrote down earlier what it was. And she goes, "Don't waste your vote on me. Don't waste your vote on me." Then it spills a beer on me. And listen, women are the only creatures of habit that buys shit that don't fit and keep fucking receipts and take it back, dude. It's fucking Kim, man. It's 100% Kim. I was just waiting for you to put your signs up there. I'm winning this fucking game. So I can say D.P. -Oh, okay. -It's above board. It's above board. It's above board. -Good. Big mistake. -Alex, all of her answers are in. -Story number five belongs to Sam Roberts. -Of course. -I'm not a regular woman. -Okay. -I'm quite a raken. -So obviously, literally, of course. -You think I keep- -Laser gave that impassioned fucking Braveheart speech for no reason at all. -No. -He ironed his clothes before he got here. None of us keep receipts besides him. -I was going to change my answer. And then she spilled that beer on mangle. It's her. It's her. -You thought it was a sign from God? -No. -You attacking him? -So I'm assuming these are WWE figures. -You think God's helping you for story wars. -That was the variety. -Yes. -Of the action figure. But you just- -You don't know the pain. -This isn't maybe now. I mean, I was attributing it to Jay, but this is when I was just slight. Well, not slightly. This is about five or six years too old to be buying toys. -Yeah. -When you see somebody. [ Laughter ] -I'm sorry. -I'm sorry. -No, I know it's actually a real story. -Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] -Jay's trying to get the show on Netflix. -Thank you. -All right. -Thank you, dude. -No, no, no. He's saying that he lives in it. -Tell your story. Tell your truth. Thank you, dude. -He's saying that he lives in an alley. [ Laughter ] -Lewis does think that's how alley spoke. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -All right. Is there anything more to this story? -No, it's just the pain of somebody who knows who you are looking at you and saying, "Do you need a gift receipt?" -Oh. -When you- -I should. -No, no, no. I mean, this is somebody I knew. Of the female persuasion. And she says, "Do you want a gift receipt?" I'm not going to say, "No, I can't." I can't because of this type of judgment. -Yeah. -They'll be making signs with floors holding them overhead. -Yeah. -You're not difficult to be a good actor. -You have to remember that it's for your fictitious retarded brother. -That's. [ Laughter ] -I started writing the Edward, but I stopped. -Jesus. -For the wrestling receipts or whatever. -Is it just- -The only- -When they send you a digital copy or it's just paper. -No, it just- [ Laughter ] -They print it out of the cash register. -How do you- How do you keep it for so long without losing it? -That's why he's got some pockets on his jacket. [ Laughter ] -I'm so drunk. Five minutes ago, I tried to talk into my vape. So. [ Laughter ] -We are five stories down. We're having a great time here tonight on Story Wars. Alex, where are our points at? -In last place with two points, Sam Roberts. -That's on the board. -On the board, folks. -In fourth place with six points, Kim Kongdon. [ Cheers and applause ] In third place with seven points, Uncle Laser. [ Cheers and applause ] -And tied for first place with eight points, each Lewis, Jeff Gomez, and Big James. -We're going to keep the book. We're keeping this book tonight. -I don't know shit. -Alex. -This is the first time in so long. I mean, you have never had a game this type with me in years. -Yeah, which I'm happy. Look, if you win, I'll be hit just as happy as if I win. You'll let me borrow the book, obviously. [ Laughter ] -No, no, dude. This is to the death for me. -Wow. -I'm glad you're being a good sportsman. But I want to see you burn. 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I used my mother's massager for my shoulders, not realizing she was probably using it as a sex toy. (laughing) - Louis or Kim? - I'm literally wearing that Louis. - Louis or Kim? - Hey, this, my mother just had sex toys. Straight up. She didn't hide her dildos, they were everywhere. - Right. Oh, they didn't hide their everywhere. - No, she just had like anal beads and dildos. I would bring my friends in and like charge her. - Anal beads. - Yeah, I would bring my friends in and be like for a dollar. You can look at my mom's anal beads. - You and Louis are the same person, just always selling. - Dostrous. - It's called Dostrous. - It sure Louis was selling candy to his friends in school and you were showing peaks at your mom's butt plugs. - I smell it. - Oh, what are you doing with the bell? Yes, and your friend when a butt plug is good. I like to see that. I like the fact you don't know. Good, good, good. - She's asking if she wants to trade. - What a trade, butt plugs. - I'm sorry, she shouldn't be here. I can't do this. - She said, fucking adult, this isn't leechless cake. - You're right, you know what? You're okay to be here Isabella. - Where are the problem? - We are the problem. You keep on doing what you're doing, just living life around problems. So yeah, I'm getting vibes from you. I know your mom. I could easily see this story happening with you and your mom. - I could too, but I'm telling you, my mom had dildos everywhere. She's not shy about it. You know my mom. - Yeah, I do know your mom. - Louis, you don't think this was Jay at all. - There's an innocence to the way it's phrased. - No, you know what I say? - Jay's not a massage guy. He's not gonna massage himself. - This is the information I needed. - This is, yeah, he's not gonna be massaging himself. I do love a massage. - You do, that's why I put you. - But my mom didn't have a massager. When I was, I was sectionate welfare. My mom was a drug addict. She didn't have a luxury massager. - Yeah. - Fuck it, I should have a paper towel roll with the fucking paper towels. - Can I tell you? - So that was me. - It is suspicious that Louis would call it luxury to throw you off, like a massager has to be luxury. - For, it was, a massager was luxury for my family. Wow, I'm sorry. - This guy had gift receipts. - But Louis's mom is a prostitute, and I assume she didn't fucking masturbate. - Jay, you know, my mom was only a prostitute when I was like a very, very little boy. (laughing) - And after that, she quit and needed a- - Before I was- - A massager. - Before I was like, had any real memories. My mom was like, "Oh, okay." - Right, then you ruined her fucking awesome pussy game. - I'm going, Louis. - I'm going, Louis. - So she had to start fucking blastin' her sniss. It might be Louis. - Well, I want you to waste your vote, Jay. Now we're enemies. - I'm gonna be Kim. - I'm thinking this is Kim Kongden. - Me too. - Only because it makes a story hotter. (laughing) - Yeah, I prefer, I think, is the- - Lays are wasting his vote, Jay, would you put? - You. - Well, dumbass. (laughing) - Enjoy, enjoy your lack of points. - Sit like I'm bad at it. - This is shit dummy. - Aw, great, my daughter left. (laughing) - Alex, all of her answers are in. - Story number six belongs to Kim Kongden. - Yes. (cheering) - Yes. - Let him Kim clean up on point, Jay. Kim, tell us the story and tell it slowly and hot. (laughing) - Well, unfortunately for me, it does get hotter. No, I couldn't say this, but I would, I, it started off as a massager for my shoulders. And then when I turned 13, I was like, this seems like it would go great in my pussy. And then it became my vibrator, and then I would sneak it out of my mom's closet to use it as a vibrator. And now as an adult, I'm like, we're we both just using the same vibrator. (laughing) - Yeah, but you guys have the same? - Hey, the Russian vampire just said same. - Oh, my God. And she's been alive for thousands of years. - It happens. This isn't happening since the beginning of time. - I used to use my mother's wooden stick to rub in my pussy. - Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. - One orgasm, two orgasms. - Two orgasms. - For you, oh, my God. - Thank you. Thank you, shoulder massager. (laughing) Yes, yes, she's happening okay. (laughing) Okay. (laughing) - That's maybe a very common issue that happens with the young women and their mothers, - Vampire masturbation. - Vampire masturbation. - We lost the story. - It's happening again. - Oh, I'm sporting. - I'm sporting. - I look in the mirror, I don't see myself, I just see my mom. (laughing) - So, does your mom ever find out you were using her vibrator? - No, but I'll tell you one time when I was 17, so I had been using this thing for years, to the point where she knew I was using it a lot, and she was like, it's yours. She, like, gave it to me. She was like, it's yours now, kid. I was like, pass it down, like a hand me down. - Yeah, like it was, like it was she was on her dying bed, and she was like, it's for you now, give it to your daughter. (laughing) - Keep it in the family. - Yeah, it's a good one. - It's like the sisterhood of the traveling pants. - And one day we got into a fight when I was 17, and I was gonna move in with my friend, and she packed my bag for me, and she put it in there. (laughing) I thought that was sweet. I thought that was sweet. She's still wanting me to get off. Six stories down, Alex Wara points out, very tight game, very tight story. - Toy, tight game, to eat story. - All right, in last place with six points, Sam Roberts. - It's a hell of a comeback. Thanks for those double points. (upbeat music) (laughing) - He wants it so bad. I know, it does, it sucks when everybody else in the table can do it. - Kim really did spill it, shit. - Oh my god, it looks like piss for sure. 'Cause I can also see her fat balls. (laughing) - Also, the second he stood up a fly came around, I don't know if anyone saw this. - Tickin' balls look fantastic. - His balls, his balls, I wish him a balls look at, that good and blue jeans. That was great. I wouldn't see the stain, I was so focused on his balls. - I know. - They're skinny jeans. - I know dude, fight a fat dish like that. - Tickin' balls. - No. (laughing) - Very tight jeans. - I'm sorry Alex, continue. - In fourth place with seven points, Uncle Laser. (cheering and clapping) In third place with eight points, Big J. Oakerson. - Yeah. (cheering and clapping) - In second place with 10 points, Kim Kongden. (cheering and clapping) - And in the lead with 12 points, Lewis J. Oakerson. (cheering and clapping) - Nobody is taking green eggs and ham from me. Over my dead fucking body, Alex, story number seven. - Is your favorite book? - Story number seven. I used to make all my toys have intense love stories with break ups, make ups, and passionate sex, all with music to enhance the situations. (laughing) - Louie. - It has Lewis or Jay all over it. - I guess it does have both of us all over it. - I can see Jay doing this with a doll and tool. (laughing) - You gotta make your own videos. - Just stretch Armstrong and some fucking tool, dude. (laughing) Fucking getting it. The most intense, the dolls are wearing gloves. - Why can't you not be so bad? I mean I wouldn't make my GI Joe's fuck my sister's Barbies and like my transformer's fuck my sister's Barbies I would do this happen before did you do it was the last one when you did this was it you what earlier in this game when you go I do have this exact story, but this one isn't me I tell you which makes me think that he's doing it again because it is him now and now he's double reverse psychology me That's cool I think it might be Kim I've I've really damaged Kim's brain Do you have my love get your nod? Yes I don't know I was watching him I think it might be I think it might be double reverse psychology You think it's I'm just done with auto double reverse psychology Wow you're a genius Sam So yeah look here's the I mean I think but I think all little kids made their Barbies and GI Joe's fuck right This is like a common thing why would have had Barbies well if you had a sister now dude oh yeah I mean that's the other part was J head younger sisters, but way younger so he didn't have access to multi sex toys We didn't we boys didn't play an our age with any girl toys at all It was all he man GI Joe so let's do something gay orgies with gay music. Yeah, hey guys. Let's do colligula Yeah, you have to have like a sibling with you can buy Barbies. No boys buying Barbies Like that you have the sibling I feel you're selling yourself and you're gonna fuck me over if I don't vote for you I'm gonna be furious. It's Jay acting right now. I don't know if it's I think it's you I think it's me. I think I'm drunk. No, I think it's Sam a little bit. Just because now it's a toy guy Yeah, and that's what's in music to enhance situations. You ever heard of a wrestler's walkout music Your old stone cold glass shatter. I mean, that's exactly what that is if I have I used music to enhance scenarios created for action figures of course We're trying to run a territory You're working your way to it's a big pay-per-view that we're trying to draw a house and that's not how you draw a house Would make ups and break ups and passion sex and wrestling. It's just it's a PG product laser laser Did you have siblings? I got a little kid brother their kid brother. Okay kids got sisters It's another it's a very girly thing as well to have that's why I think it's Jay. Yeah, but I could just see him making dolls. I don't know Jay You're you're more of a sensitive man and no you have a kind heart You're your fingernails or baby blue. I feel like you would make your dolls. I think it's not periwinkle like Baby blue. What am I some mo I'm not gonna lie. I got my toes done just like that. Yes, passionate sex. It's like something about passionate sex It gives Jay no offense. Yeah, but why would he have he would never have a female toy You have their way younger my sister my first sister's 15 years younger than me. Yeah, but maybe he made Maybe you would play with the boys on boys Gun in the butt. They like that I said colligula a man made that joke earlier. Oh Fuck Fuck me. It's you pussy First of all so threatening. It's either Lewis or Jay. I just don't know what I think it's Jay because I mean Jay has an art for I mean there's a sensitive side to you But Lou is also as a sister Jay's got cousins though, but also Yeah, and you know what I feel like I feel like if it's either between Jay and Lewis and if it would if I was Lewis Yeah, maybe I don't know who Jay has cousins though Jay has cousins though is batshit Hey Lewis got cousins though Yeah, but I'm saying you have cousins that you're gonna play with their toys as well I'm looking for a reason as to why you would have access to female toys. Are they close in his age? Yeah, okay, that's he hooked up with one of them nice. That is like something love-making and that was way past toys age Toys can distract you Lewis what did you make your toys have passionate love? Look at me. I mean, I would make my I'm my vote is for big Jay I would make my toys Hold us the story. I would make my toys fuck my sisters Barbies all the time Regularly and Barbies legs there. They don't spread break ups and make ups and just you know Barbies that can't go on their knees and their legs don't spread That was my excuse when we lived together too Hey Lewis did you make them do stories with break ups and make ups and powders? Nothing like that. It was just sex I'm going big Jay that makes sense Based off experience. That's right Sam, this is you dude. Oh dude, if it's not big Jay somebody just clean the fuck Can you imagine if you lost all those points? Can you imagine? Whose story was that? I know I could tell don't forget I had sunny. I had sable. I had all of them China Oh Alex story number seven belongs to big I told you I come out of the gate strong and then I suck nuts the rest of the game every week Was it was it was it you ever cousin with? Lewis I don't what kind of toys you a GI Joe had chicks There was chick GI Joe I know catch that fucking shit I saw the music I said that's a Jay thing. Yeah, yeah, I used to I used to have there was a Character in GI Joe he was a dreadnock you if you know, you know I actually do know His name was His name was road pig, and that's what I fancied myself was this guy a shirtless guy who had a baseball bat with a cinder block on the end of it and Some tattoos and then I forget whatever the girl. I think I think red ninja female jinx Would have went to a party without road pig and at the party some of the guys started getting frisky started getting weird They're and she caught and then road pig has to go and fucking beat the shit out of all these guys who were trying to I guess what I thought my little mind rape her Road and all of that Road pig road pigs here, and then they and then he would go in there and beat the shit out of them and then afterwards they would have Sweet sweet sensual love to the song. I'll be there for you by By New Jersey legends bond jovy. I'm not kidding. I watched your daughter disassociate through that whole thing Did you just go? Did you go somewhere else in your mouth? She went somewhere else and it wasn't to the barbie house Seven stories down Alex were a point set all right in last place with eight points big Jay I was the last place. That's fucking crazy. I hope in the game for nothing across the board It's a bill. I told you you're my bad luck charm. I have said that to you since you were four years old I've always told you when you come I blow it Alex in fourth place with ten points Sam robberts Sam yeah, we thought he might break a record of zero tonight Plus I should have gotten some more points for making everybody doubted at the very end You know, that was good. Thank you. I didn't make my wrestlers have sex In third place with 11 points. Thank you uncle laser respectable In second place with 14 points Kim Kongden And in the lead with 16 points Lewis J go man. That's right, baby Lewis it's insane. How much you want green eggs. I wanted so badly. I haven't read it in years by Dr. Soos in the end the unnamed character worn down by Sam's persistence eventually agrees to try green eggs and ham to his surprise. Yeah, he discovers that he does in fact This is how you're gonna feel about your makeup completely reversing his earlier stance his claim That he would eat them in various arguably unlikely situations and the book concludes with him profusely thanking Sam I am. Yeah Wow also Nobody to real is out of this game Everyone's mathematically involved Dr. Susie's wife was terminally ill and he cheated on her with his oh no He was terminally ill and his wife took care of him and he cheated on her with his Hospice nurse. Oh, yeah, he also true. He also true. He also true Black people in the most racist way humanly possible. - Yeah, he called them green eggs and ham. - Yeah, that is a weird take. Alex, oh my God, everyone's still involved at the end. Story number eight. (dramatic music) - Story number eight, one year for my birthday, instead of a toy, my mother bought me a mannequin head. This is so Lewis, if I can't tell you why I think it's Lewis, I think Lewis wanted that so we could try to do hair, or something, you know what I mean? - His mom was a hairdresser. - Right, and he wanted, and he-- (crowd cheering) - Let me say it. - You fucking idiot. You tell everything about your life. - Hold on, hold on, we'll relax, just so I'm sucking all Willie Nilly here. - Willie Nilly, that's the guy she fucked. (crowd laughing) Willie fucking Nilly strikes again. - Let me say this. - It's not connecting now, I'm drunk. - My mother was a hairdresser. Why would she be getting me a doll head? That's an insane thing for me to get from a hairdresser. - That's a good point. - Okay, that's a good point. - But let me say this, and I know who this is. I know who this is. - Kim, you see, there was a wrestler named Alston. - Oh, give me a hand. - Give me a hand. - And Al Snow used to carry a mannequin head to the ring with him all the time. His name was head. - His name was head. - Oh shit. - And-- - I know what he's doing. - And Sam-- - I know what he's doing. - Do it in well. - When he was 14 years old, said, "Mom, I don't want any, "all I want is a mannequin head "so I can write head on it and carry it around." Like Al fucking Snow. - First of all, how would me or my mother know where a mannequin head could be? - All right. - Perfect. - Yo head money man, y'all could get a mannequin head. - He might keep gift receipts. - Wait a second, who was the last story? - No, but Lewis's mom was really a hairdresser. - Was it me? - Yeah. - Nice. - Sam's had one, and Lewis's had one. - Yeah. - This could be Lewis. Also, Lewis was the last one. - I'm gonna be honest. Lewis don't have, like now, like-- - Lewis's broke ass mom would have been stoked that he just wanted a fucking mannequin head. - But the mom's not just gonna get her son. - He's actually expensive as fuck. - A mom's not just gonna get her son. - A mom's not just gonna get her son a fucking mannequin head. My mom did hair. We never did that. - They were expensive. - All right, is that like-- - A mannequin head was like 150 bucks. - Yeah, that shit was expensive, bro. - Yeah. - But if you had put it on-- - Little Sammy Roberts. - Little Sammy Roberts. - But if you have a little bit of money, you live on a better side of town, all right? You said, "Mom, I like this Al Snowcare." And he's got his head with some hair. - Do we know if that was a toy that was sold? - Yes, 'cause my mom bought it for me. - But that wasn't even a toy. He got a mannequin head, he got a real one so we can emulate Al Snowcare. - Is that being a deal? - I don't know. What does that mean? - Look, vote for me. I don't give a shit. - Just look, I'm still behind this. - I got the right answer. - Nobody's catching up with me. I'm putting everything on, bro. - I'm telling you, instead of a toy, Sam was still considered that a toy. - Wait, before you start putting him up, hold on. - Very quick, Laser, yeah, Laser's trying to rush it because he just yelled, "My mom bought one for me." - I know. - Could the him just be admitting it to your face? That's how I used to steal. I'd put it on the register and they'd go to the scanner and I'd go, "That's mine." And then I'd take it and leave. - That's called bullying by ethnicity. (laughing) - That only works if your brown skin. - Yeah. - There's certain you're ready to strike if they just don't allow you to take this $7 loss for the store. (laughing) - Nice. - I think this, it's, it sucks, I feel this could be, laser, Sam, or Lewis. - The entire panel? - Yeah, it's not him. I feel, by the way, 'cause I'm really narrowing it down. - 'Cause I am completely Lewis. I think, if this is you, you're brilliant because I think this whole thing is brought together by when you figure that. - No, no, no, no. - This is for the WWE character. - I think so. - Because I also know you styrofoam heads. That fans had styrofoam heads. - No, that would be cheap. - That's when the fans brought what you're cheap. He had a real head and you wanted a real head. And that's what you said. I don't want anything else from my birthday, mama. - Mom, I don't want a stupid fucking phone one. (laughing) - Is that how you talk to your parents? - Dad, hit mom, she's not doing the right thing. (laughing) - I want pizza and McDonald's. (laughing) - You know I want a man to get a head and a sock that I can call sock-o. (laughing) - This isn't even the right sock. (laughing) I hate you guys. (laughing) - You're gonna make me go bald. (laughing) - You're stressing me out. Which isn't good for my hair line. I got dead genetics. (laughing) - Yeah. - Could be Lewis. (laughing) - It's a misdirect. - Wow. - What'd you say, Sam? - Lewis, for sure. I mean, he came up with that whole story about me immediately. - Can I tell you why I went with Sam is because I think Lewis's mom would get him a mannequin for Christmas where she would mix it in with other gifts as like, oh, also this, you know? But Sam, it seems like a main gift. So this seems like a big-- - No, dude. - You can't stop ringing up your toys, dog. - This guy comes from cash. - Cash. - Alex, all the ranchers are in. Whose story was our final story? - Story number eight, belongs to Sam Roberts. (cheering) - That was the best clue. - Brother, of course. - God damn Lewis. - You said me, am I right about my hypothesis? - I fucking loved Al Snow. (laughing) - You don't understand how much I loved Al Snow. And you're a hundred percent right. A Styrofoam head would never do. Everyone has a Styrofoam head. Why would I show up with a Styrofoam head? I needed a brunette lady mannequin head that I could right help me with two exclamation points backwards on the forehead. And that's exactly what I got. - Yeah. (clapping) - It's a man of conviction. - Of course it was me. It was me all along. - I remember what it was. - Jay took a shot at the end there to get some points, but it didn't work out for you. I already know who won, but making official Alex, where are our final points? - All right. In last place with eight points, big J. Ogerson. (clapping) - It's okay, we kept it in the library. - I don't give a fuck. (laughing) - In fourth place with 12 points, Sam Roberts. (clapping) In third place with 15 points, Uncle Laser. - Yeah, Laser. (clapping) - Second place scored 18 points, and your winner tonight with 20 points. - All right, make it. - Lewis J. Gomez. (clapping) - Wait. (clapping) - Wait. - My favorite book stays in house. - Game's over. - Game's over. - We've been here for seven hours. - No, I want more. - Uh-huh. - Double points, double points. (upbeat music) - Double points again. - Laser. - Bye. - Now you try, game's over, try it. (laughing) - Double points. - Piece of shit. Fuck you, go back to Austin with that horse shit. - How about it for your winner tonight, Lewis J. Gomez. (clapping) - I think it's been a minute. That's been a little bit. How about it for our amazing panel, The Great Kimmy Kongden. Uncle Laser, we hope to have you back real soon. The Great Sam Roberts. - Thank you guys for being here. Story Wars, we'll catch you guys next time. Until then, peace. (upbeat music)