KILL TONY #789

Hey, this is RedBam, and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? (audience cheering) (upbeat music) Rain, rain, man, ladies and all over! (audience cheering) And that is the best statement in all the way of ladies and gentlemen. Fernando Castillo, Rao Balejo, Carlos, Sosa, and the Horns. (audience cheering) What is this crowd tonight? That's Translate Chase over there. That's a great big mic, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. (audience cheering) The human Super Dildo, Matt Mule, and ladies and gentlemen on the electric guitar. New nickname every week. John D's on the keys, everybody. The leader of the band. And believe it or not, the backbone, the black bone, the one and the only. D Madness on the bass guitar. (audience cheering) Oh my goodness. What a show we have for y'all tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You know what that sound means. Football is heating up and everyone's pooling up because prize picks has all your picks in one place. New users get yourself a head start with prize picks best offer yet. If you win your first $5 lineup, you'll get $150 in lineup. prize picks is available nationwide. So what are you waiting for? Lookin' for kickoff with prize picks. (screeching) Matt! Now if you wanna know what I'm on this season, I've been locked in on Kansas City Start quarterback. His player projections for passing yards are wild, but I'm going with more on his passing projections every single week. I predict he's having an MVP caliber season. 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Q and A episodes behind the scene stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtonysupercast.com. All right, back to the show. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, I like this crowd. It seems like you guys are present. You're excited to be here and that means you're true fans of the show. So you're in very special treat. Two of the best guests in the history of the show. One of them, one of the forces of nature from Los Angeles, who helped us get this thing started by being a guest once or twice every single year since its inception. And the other guest is one of the newest best guests in the show's history. This isn't a mover from the great Philadelphia, New York area to Austin, Texas. Mixed and was for your two guests tonight. It's the great Kirk Fox and Tim Butterley everybody. Wow. These are my people, the great Kirk Fox, the great Tim Butterley. We are going to have some fun, Kirk Fox. You know him from jury duty, reservation dogs, season two of the low down on effects comes out this week with Ethan Hawke, Tommy Lee Jones and Kirk Fox. He's right in front of you. I'm here, Tony. How cool is that? Maybe here, Tony. This is Kirk's about, I would guess probably 15, 16, 17, 18th time doing this show. It's endless. I just never feel like I can get away from it. I love you. And a little fun fact. He was here doing some shows this weekend and he stayed for this, for us. This I did. So I changed my flight, so I'm hoping $300 makes it into my pocket somehow. No doubt about it. We have some very generous fans out here. I see them already reaching for their pockets. I get naked in the alley for 50 bucks. We're going to put it together. We have a very rare Mexican from Grand Rapids that I see as wheels of turning over there. He's going to figure out a way. He shows, man. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Tim Butterley is here, ladies and gentlemen. 30 minutes with Tim Butterley, the YouTube special is out now. Nice to be back. Thank you very much for having me, Tony. It's nice to see you guys. Hello. We love Tim Butterley. He's on tourtimbutterley.com, the Tim Butterley show. Everything's happening. You guys are two of my favorite guests in the history of the show, so you two happen to know very clearly. And without a doubt, that about 300 human beings signed up tonight to be inside of this bucket. If I pull one of these names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview, absolutely anything can happen. We could find the next great talent out of this bucket tonight. We could find just absolutely fucking insane people that didn't prepare a minute or have anything in the interview. They wanted to look good in the interview. They gave us nothing on anything can happen. That's what makes the show great. It's not overproduced like all the garbage shows that are struggling on every other network, on every other channel all the time. We range supreme. That's why I'm going to let this little hillbilly pick the first name out of the bucket. This random ass white guy, he just has a deer on his hat. Just a regular old deer, not John deer, not deer John, just a deer. There's a regular old fucking male with a hat. And I like that. He's got an old fashioned and a flannel on. This guy's as cozy as can be, a little October in Austin, Texas. While we go wrangle that first name, I have one of our elite golden ticket winners right here, right now on the other side of that curtain about to come out and excitedly give you a brand new minute of stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen, from Atlanta, Georgia. Make some noise for the return of Uncle G, everybody, here he comes. I don't know about you motherfuckers, but I'm celebrating tonight. Damn right, tonight marks 27 years since I had my last drinking liquor, give it a fuck up. I ain't had a drinking liquor in 27 years. I ain't smoked a joint in 27 minutes. No, no, I had a problem, y'all. I had to go to rehab. I did. I knew I had a problem when I went through McDonald's drive-through. Ordered just to straw. Can you say you want fries without I said no, I'm getting fried with that motherfucker. Yeah, y'all been to rehab, yeah, me and you bro, everybody else sitting here as a fucking Amy Winehouse. Y'all know Amy died at 27 right, y'all familiar with that entertainer curse, famous singers died at 27, Janice Johnson, Jimmy Hendrix, famous singers died at 27, kind of pissed me off when Justin Bieber turned 28, and if you think about it, it's something to that entertainer curse, y'all. Me and Michael Jackson was the same age. He was 54 when he died. He had 27 years as a black man, 27 years as a white man. That was my time, hell yeah, Uncle G, you're adorable, Uncle G, well-written joke, adorable delivery. It all feels real to me, grab that microphone you fucking crackhead, I'm gonna do the it's gummy bears. I love it, Uncle G, welcome back, thank you. Why did you bring a stool out? Why did you have a stool out? I had a story that I was gonna tell you about my prostate surgery, but we didn't get to. We gonna do that now? You would like to see it? I mean, there's nothing I'd rather do than hear about your fucking prostate, right? I'm lucky to be back, y'all. Yeah, in any way. That's the guy that went to rehab, by the way. I recognize that dark pocket. Yeah, you need to shut the fuck up so we're good. But what was it? No, I went to rehab. I had to get before to practice state. Have y'all ever been to a proctologist when you meet one, do not shake his fucking hand, all right? No! So I had to go in there for a-- [LAUGHTER] Someone's at his finger over the Michael Jackson sound effect for a four and a half minutes. So I had to go in there for that digital exam, y'all. And he put my maybe put my elbows on the counter, and I feelin' put his right hand on my shoulder. You keep this up. You're going to win another golden ticket. I'll tell you. Then I feel it, ugh. But then I feel his left hand on my fucking shoulder. Oh, my fuck, man, it's too late. I got that front counter going at bitch, but not charged me. She gave me $300. Oh, shit. Uncle G. Wow, all right. So Uncle G, let's talk about it, fun set. You got through it. A lot of the use of the number 27 is what I noticed. If you bet on the first comedian saying the word 27, five times in the first five minutes of the show, I think you just won a billion dollars. Did I say-- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's part of my joke, wasn't it? That gummy bear is kicking in, y'all. We're good. Hell, yeah. All right, let's check in with the great-- Yeah, what's the G stand for, Uncle? Well, G spot, I don't know. You don't know what you even know what you're in here. Yeah, well, Jess hilarious gave me that. I don't know if y'all know Jess. She's a black comedian, I ain't no fucking-- anyway, me, me, me. The way you describe that prostated sounded like-- It's real. --the drive-through when you got that straw that you're bending over a counter. It went for from it. Anyway, I'm Greg, is my real name? Oh, that-- Follow me at unclegcomedy.com. I have that all to it. By the way, that's the answer to the question, what is the G stand for? Oh, it stands for unclegcomedy.com, OK? OK. But it's Greg, Greg Lightford, whatever. OK, I already read my son's real religious son on. Uncleg, what's been going on? You live here in Austin now, or are you in Atlanta? I'm here for a few weeks. I think I found me in a apartment for the winter. I've been busy as fuck, man. I had retired, and I had to change it to repurposed. OK. Because y'all got me going everywhere. I'm going to do your killers of Killtoni and Athens. OK. My hometown reached out to me, Wyder, Georgia, the mayor call wants me to do a show for them. Yeah, I'm just fucking ticklish, shitless. And maybe next time, take the gummy bear after the SATA. Apologize. I'm busy. It's been a lot of a date, and I'm getting-- You're dating? I'm getting Killtoni pussy. Oh, shit, tell us the world wants to know. This is a question that I'm sure. I see curiosity on a lot of the faces. Describe what Killtoni pussy is like. Well, a guy's ass. [LAUGHTER] That's me. I-- my butthole is Killtoni pussy. We're not there. Yeah, I was worried about-- you know, first time-- anyway. You're dead. No, I'm just the proctologist. OK. Tell us about Killtoni pussy, Uncle. Killtoni pussy is-- I like women my age, OK? But they lie a lot. I take this beautiful chick home. She's got the hourglass. She's about my age. Get there, and she pulls off her fucking eyelashes. I don't care. I pull out my fucking-- my glass is bitch. Oh, shit. She takes off her wig. Oh, shit. I don't care, bitch. I got hearing aids. Fuck you. Oh, shit. [LAUGHTER] I feel like you got someone buried in a basement. She unplugged her bra, y'all. Her titties faltered her fucking knees. I said, I don't care. She didn't pull out this big of white pair of socks, bitch. [LAUGHTER] Uncle G, you are a wild man. She said-- she said it. She said it. Let us back. She said, I got a cute-and-janna. I said, I hope so, because my titties are shot. How long have you had that sock in your crotch? Since this afternoon, you're another jerk. But anyway, the joke works, I'm happy. I don't go fuck you. I'm boring to socks. I don't think the guy wants some back. I don't know. You are the man, Uncle G. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us. Thank you, y'all. To the bucket, we go, ladies and gentlemen. That is just an example of what can happen here. That's a golden ticket winner. There goes Uncle G. Grabbing his stool. Could have never have sold that prostate joke without the physical health of that stool, by the way. Couldn't have simply bent over. We never could have imagined. He charged up the stairs, holding-- he hit all of us with the stool to move us out of the way to get out here. He's like that 24/7. Shot out of a cannon. It's even weirder when he starts pulling your sock off before he goes to the curtain. All right, well, from Uncle G, I mean, this is just crazy. What are the odds? This man has a G in his name. Mix the noise for G-POW. Everybody, G-POW. Oh, shit. Who had a set of G's to start the night off tonight, huh? God damn. Sex is great for me, you know? Because my girlfriend, she's 50. And I'm blue collar grimace. I gotta get personal with you guys. I like a finger in my belly button. So when I'm flucking her doggy, I can pick my belly button up, like pulling a bowling ball out of a bowling bag, you know? Throw it on her back like a prison honey bun. 12 seconds and 50 micro pumps later, I'm sweating. I'm cramping up. My balls are dragging on her quilt, like 40 grit sandpaper, buddy. Oh, she looks back at me. She's like, when are you going to stick it in? Fuck, switch. Your turn. Get on top, bitch. She hops on top of me like a paraplegia getting on a Harley. Her knees start cracking, like fucking lobster night with a VFW. Anyone smell butter? Yeah, so this is a long-winded way of saying sex for us is 30 seconds of arguing who's on bottom. That ends with me jerking off to mukbang. Thank you guys so much. All right, Cheepowl. Let's just jump right into it, Cheepowl. Remind us how long you've been in stand-up comedy? Coming up on two years next month. OK, all of it here in Austin. I started in New Jersey. OK. All right, is that where you're born and raised? Born and raised, yeah. I made the move to Austin about a year ago now. Hell yeah. Born and bred. Just mostly bred. Cheepowl, how are you so big? What exactly does one have to do to be able to be shaped like that? The world wants to know. The spenders are holding on. I'm fucking on it tonight, man. Spenders are holding on for dear life. I've never-- That's stupid. I've never seen suspenders work quite that hard. And by your shape, I could see why a belt wouldn't physically work. I like my women in their 50s and just like my belt size, you know? Wow. I dig the look. This is what bad guys in arcade games used to look like. I used to make motherfuckers like this flash red, you know? It looks like every moonshine I've ever shaped. Yeah. What is the price of moonshine right now? Cheepowl. Oh, I can't answer that one. Do you have another job? Do you do anything else to supplement your income? Other than Trader Joe's, which I-- [LAUGHTER] It's crazy. This guy's last name is Butterly. And I'm not on top of him, am I, right? Hey, Trader. You buried the lead, man. You should have came out with that one. So Trader Joe's, how did that end? Didn't end. I'm still working. Oh, you are still working there. I thought you said it was a temporary thing. I didn't need everything, like people assume, I mean. Those aisles are so narrow, though. It's called a G-size lane, you know? This is like fire hazard. Just knocking over jars of Trader Geoto's marinara. It's knocking in. Press it for Joe. [LAUGHTER] OK, Cheepowl, where did you meet this 50-year-old lady? At a grocery store. Oh, my God. She was beating my ass with the Ninja Turtles. So what was your big line? Did she come up to you? You go up to her? Paper or plastic? Really? She was a cashier, yeah. Wow. How was her best customer? You were shopping? I actually got a job there, and then we started talking. And I was in the Frozen Foods Department. Oh, yeah. Absolutely incredible. So now you're in-- you still working Frozen Foods? Trader does you work a little bit everywhere, you know? And I do a good job of being everywhere. Right. Cheepowl, what do you do for fun? Anything else interesting about your life? We might find intriguing. I mean, I'm definitely-- I definitely have to be more of a homebody. I have six people living with me right now, so-- Blame that. So there's my girlfriend, her adult daughter, her three kids, and the baby daddy. Oh, you gotta be shitting. -You got to be shit in my butt. -I do want to she that, though. -I would love to see that. -I'd love to see that. -Have you ever thought about going to JCPenney and getting family photos or something like that? -I think people would pay for those trading cards. Explain to us what are they doing? What exactly were they hit by a hurricane or something? Like, how do you -- How many bedrooms is your place? -It's a three-bedroom. -Whoa. -G-POW. -G-POW. -My God. Look at you. I wouldn't have guessed that off of a trader. -What are their wheels? Does it have wheels? -I'm going to be in wheels like keeping all this sugar. My fucking leg's going to pop off. -No, those wheels can't take it. -What the fuck is that thing over there? -That's a mono neon, my friend. -Sorry, I asked. -That is a mono neon. -I'm sure you -- -It looked like candy, too. -Yeah. He got excited. He thought it was a giant fruit by the foot. Is that a lemon lime or am I just tripping? -It's my blood sugar low or is that the biggest fucking fruit roll off I've ever seen? -I'm back. -Toney, you got to finish that bass player. [ Laughter ] -G-POW. But I understand the concept, but how exactly does your ladies full-grown daughter and her man and her three kids end up in your place? How long has this been going on for? Let's start there. -So it's been the year now. -Oh, my God. Okay. So why and how did it start? -It's tough times, really. You know, they were living in Missouri, which -- what the fuck's in Missouri? -Yeah. -Not you. -Right. Let's -- But what is living in Missouri have to do with it? How did they end up in your place? -Monetary, simply. So they're working on getting their own place, they're working the relationship. And I'm just the bank. -Is the baby daddy working? -He is, yeah. -What's he doing for work? -Buffalo Wildwings. -Oh, my God. -Now -- -That's why you keep 'em. -Yeah. -There's no leftovers in the house, Kirk. -We're starting to figure it out. -Not for sure. -We are starting to figure it out, cheapow. What's your favorite order at Buffalo Wildwings? -Tell the truth. -Do they have the 20-piece anymore? -You don't know? -I haven't ordered there in a while. It just shows up in my doorstep. Just ends up in my fridge, you know? -Amazing. -All right, cheapow, well. Anything else for cheapow? What am I missing here? -I can't look at it anymore. [ Laughter ] -He's doing enough. -His belly button is prominently showing. -I do that. -I do, sure. -I did poke it for the bit. -I would like to know about the energy between you and the baby daddy. -That is kind of running the show around this fucking triple-wide. -You're being really nice. You're being really nice, Kirk. -Let's open it up. -So it's been a year. He's a grown adult. -Yes. -You ever tell him, "Hey, dude." -I try to be nice, as you can tell, you know? I take the passive-aggressive approach. I don't want to stir up things in the house. So I do what any man does, and I go out on 6-3 knee-chitty food and drink. So then I go home, and he sleeps on the other side of my bathroom while I take a huge shit in the morning. -What can I ask the ethnicity of the baby daddy? -We're all mixed. -You're mixed? -I'm mixed. -What do you mix with, exactly? -My daddy's half-black. He's Palestinian, too, and white. -Oh, my God. Palestinians providing homes for people. Can you imagine? -You can find a way out of that house. -I'm going to need a hospital. That's not bombed by now. -Oh, my God. -All right, G-Powell. Here's a medium-sized joke book to go in that belly buttony ears. We're going to keep it moving along. -I just let those suspenders go. -Just let them go. -No, don't let them go, G-Powell. Don't let them go. -White the exit for G-Powell. -Oh, there it is. There's a little pala cleanser. Get Uncle G and G-Powell off your mind. There's the beautiful hidey. I haven't a hand for hidey, everybody. Live in the flush. Amazing. Calling a business only, you get a voicemail. 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That's QUO.com/killtony. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise. 60 seconds on. Then we're up to going to Billy Sherman. Everybody here comes Billy Sherman. What's up everybody? Everybody ever got their ass beat as a kid? You see all happy they fucking sound. You got to beat your mother fucking kids. But don't lens him. You know I'm saying, you got to beat them. My mom would beat my ass and take me to McDonald's. It was the weirdest form of therapy, man. She would beat me and then give me a McFlurry like it was hush money. And that shit worked, bro. Like it actually worked. One time I saw a kid with two McFlurries and I was like, we got to call CPS. I know you're not wearing that hoodie because you're cold. Right? Like, blink twice a bit. You know what I'm saying? It's tough, though, man. I got beat. So the McAss Beans were so damn bad. I turned purple like grimace. Like it was bad. And you know, I got to hire a dominatrix just to process the menu when I go to McDonald's. She beat my ass with leather on a shit. You know, but now, honestly, though, the McDonald's jingle just gives me like PTSD, dude. Because anytime I hear that shit, it's just ba-da-bap-bap-bap. All right, there you all. Billy, you sure, man. Hold minute on getting beat. I could see why she would do that to you. Billy, you have a tremendous call of flour here. Did your mom do that to you? She did. I got it right as a baby. Do you remember what you used to do that she would beat you so badly? Oh, dude, I did so many bad Puerto freaking things. Oh, that explained. No, I broke her coffee pot. Dude, that broke her coffee. How'd you break it? I just went like that and just went around so well. Okay, your nuts. Billy, how long have you been on stand-up? Roughly 11 years now. 11 years? Yeah, yeah. He's just crunk time. What the fuck? You didn't beat you enough. You have good news for you, Billy. You brought your mom. Come on out, mom. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Don't make glories this time. All right, Billy, let's talk about this 11 years. Where have you been doing it for 11 years, Billy? I started in Honolulu, Hawaii, and then I kind of been all over the country, really. Okay. What makes you continue to do it? I love comedy. You love it. It makes you feel good. It makes me feel good. I love doing it and why the fuck stop if you- How do you make work? You're wearing the Trader Joe shirt that the last guy should have been wearing? I'm a CDL truck driver now, and I just deliver water. Okay. All right. What do you do for fun, Billy? You seem like you have some deep dark secrets. I do. I got a feet fetish problems. I'm dating a 50-year-old half black woman. Wow, what is up with people banging 50-year-olds on this show tonight. I'm trying to get those benefits, man. Uncle Jesus, the only one not banging a 50-year-old. How's that possible? Where'd you meet a 50-year-old at? Facebook dating. Yeah. That's the spot, man. Okay. So take us through it, Billy. You're on there. You're on Facebook dating. You see a 50-year-old half black. Half black. Half black. And you say to yourself, this one is for me. And then what do you do? What's your line? What do you say? I love you. You started with that? I started with- I started with- I started with- I love you, and she's like, "Here's my number." Really? Yeah, I don't know how that- It was kind of a gamble. And then first date, where do you go? Where do you take her? We went to a hike. And then I got her a kiss me, so it was pretty cool. Wow. The hike, the poor man's five-star restaurant. Really? Incredible. It worked. Was it just I love you or I love you? I have a job. No, just plain. I love you. Just, yeah, you don't have to- No, I can show you my job. 50-year-olds are pretty horny ladies now. They are, dude. So that night, you guys hooked up after your first date? No, it was probably like a month later. Okay. Yeah, I was like, I like to sizzle. You do? It wasn't her choice? Maybe. I don't give a shit. Fuck it. Pussy's pussy man. I just waited and then got in there. All right. You know what I mean? You think there's anything about being with this older lady that has anything to do with your relationship with your mom? Tim Butterley with a 10-star analysis and question. Fuck with Dr. Phil. No, she actually kind of looks like my mom. Oh. Wow. Black. Okay. So my mom's got really dark curly hair. So, I mean, I have a thing for that subconsciously. I think. - Uh-huh. - But she's very, okay, I'm five, five. This woman I'm with is five, eleven. - Wow. - I know. You ever ask her to pick you up? - Yeah, I do. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm getting uppy soon. - You ever ask her to beat you and buy you a McFlurry? - Dude, yeah. That's actually was our second date. Oh. - All right, Billy. - What's a crazy fun fact about you that we'd be surprised to know? - I can take a punch. - Yeah, I can definitely take a couple of beatings. Um, have. - Eleven years of comedy. - Yeah, I hope it's for Thomas to grow back at the YA theater. I don't know if that's interesting. Um, I'm surprisingly bendable. My legs are very bendable. - Okay, show us what you mean by that. - It's gonna be gross. This is gonna be really gross. - We love this. We love gross. - Whoa. Wow. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. - The show has reached a new low, ladies and gentlemen. A man, a man's special skill was bending his knee properly. - Were you-- - But, you know what? To your credit, G-POW and Uncle G could not pull that off. - Sure, we sure. - Question, were you in that position when you told her you loved her? - More feet allows more over. - All right, Billy, Sherman. There's really not a jokebook small enough for me to give you, but I found the smallest one I could. - Oh, shit. - There it goes, Billy, Sherman. - All right, thank you. - There he goes, Billy, Sherman, ladies and gentlemen. - Say, "Had your mom." - There he goes. We'll see you next time, Billy. - Hey, Gumbie. - You have a Gumbie leg. - 11 years. Can you imagine-- can you imagine doing this for 11 years, and that's your best minute? And not only that, but you're like, I'm gonna show the world. I'm gonna go on the biggest show, and I'm gonna do this. Let's see what happens next. Mix the noise through your next bucket pole. It's Bobby Ludlow, everybody. Bobby Ludlow. Oh, shit. - What's up, Kale Tony? I'm pretty sure that my roommates are stealing my soap. I knew they were stealing my food, so I hid me leftover soup and a shampoo bottle. And now they fucking smell delicious. So I was adopted twice. You can do that. You can just give them back. The second man who adopted me, he was born in Dallas, Texas, in 1921. So I was actually raised racist. We were also really poor. All of our sheets had holes in them. My dad used to pay my allowance and Confederate money. He said, "This ain't worth much now, but hold on to it." I quit drinking nine years ago, and I quit being racist seven years ago. It was actually harder for me to quit being racist than it was to quit drinking. I'll give you an example. If I wake up in the middle of the night and stub my toe, I've never wanted to scream beer with a hard r. I live with a brown or clues. It's not a spider. It's just a Mexican who never leaves the house. Thank you guys. Oh, shit. Bobby Ludlums. Let me guess, you've been doing this 11 years or something? No, sir. How long have you been doing this for? About five years. OK. All right, Bobby. We're at all of it here in Texas. No, all over the place. I started in LA on the show a long time ago and-- You were on this show in LA. Yep, OK. And you were on once here, right? I was a few months back, a lucky guy. And I went to Chicago and tried to do the improv and the comedy stuff out there for a while. How'd that go? It went pretty good. Yeah, Chicago's fun, fun city. What's been going on lately with you, Bobby? What do you do for with a haircut like that? Yeah. I mean, if I spend as much time on my jokes as I do on my hair, I had a Uber driver come into my home the other day. What? Yeah, I work. Sorry, Bobby, but you're so disinteresting that I'm literally just doing a normal podcast for a second. In an unbelievable turn of events, ordered Uber eats the other day. Hear my door open, my front door, a little alarm that goes through my place, goes, t-t-t-t-t-t. And I go, I wait a couple of seconds. I hear footsteps, I go, hello? And there's a lady, little Mexican lady, she goes, hello, I got your delivery. And she literally appears. I mean, she had to walk like-- I'm not bragging, but it's a lot of paces from the front door to where my living room couch is. I'm still on the couch because I'm like, well, there's no fucking way, it's a delivery driver. And she has the bag, and she goes, I have a check. I go, OK. I told a couple of people about that. They're like, do you have to report her? And I'm like, no, no, I'm not going to. I'm going to let her ride. I wanted to like read about this one day. We're going to read about like an Uber eats driver, just shot in Texas. Anyway, back to you. I mean, is that the crazy stuff you've ever heard? Did you show up like this? Did you look like this when you were adopted when they used to do that? No, I actually, I do have a World War II bullet in the back of my right knee, though. How'd you end up with that? You only have one bullet in you. How'd you end up with that, Bobby? I shot someone when I was a kid. I knew it wasn't going to go through his leather jacket, was trying to prove a point. And so I shot him and then the old classic rule of shootbacks. Okie dokie. I had this Uber driver two days ago. She was Mexican, and I was like, do you know? Red man, what would you have done if a food delivery driver-- I have to be. Well, depending on the age, if she was younger, be like, oh, you know what's going on? Oh, you know what? I don't know why I asked. This is why we have to have a format here and have things to do a whole bucket of people. All right. Hey, Tony, how about something-- a helpful-- nice joke density. Yeah, there was a lot of attention. Obviously not all crushing it. There was a point where I thought you had an Irish accent for some reason, right? Yeah. There's also this weird disconnect where it's like-- you've got this gentle demeanor, but like, you know, you've got the oily look. I mean, we need like an image consultant or something. We need to really stream lives in this entire thing, but at least he's throwing jokes out there. Yes, I agree. They were word jokes, but they were all racist, but-- There was some words that was important. In my Uber driver, I kind of didn't tell you. He's a food delivery of Zubaree's. You did the accent, the fake accent, the last-- It would really be crazy if my actual driver-- if I ordered a newbie and he came in the house. That's even crazier than a newbie. You shoot him with a Confederate bullet. Yeah. Who knows? Something like that. You did the fake accent thing last time, like, is that your main thing? Just, no, it's in the audience with-- No, not at all. Is that something you do when you're nervous? What is-- No, I just thought the first joke. I thought maybe it'd be a fun callback to the first set that are the last set that I was on here, but, yeah. Wow, you're doing some like-- It's a more than a callback. You're a three or four years in the-- [LAUGHTER] Bobby, we're going to keep it moving along. Here's a little joke book, my friend. All right. [APPLAUSE] We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Complete coincidence that this guy is following a guy's fake Irish accent, because this guy is a real Irish accent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a set from a very, very fine New York comedian that we all know. Takes the noise for column Tyrell, everybody. Here you come. [MUSIC PLAYING] Hi, everyone. Right. This is my real accent. This isn't a shit joke again. I think that Make-A-Wish kids should be able to smoke cigarettes. Why not? Let that little frail fucker look cool. One time, he's in the yard fucking-- this chemo has me stressed. And all the girls are like, oh, my god. Derek's such a badass. I don't usually like bald guys, but I think that Make-A-Wish kids should be able to wish for some pussy. They're not allowed. Did you know that? They're not allowed. If you go on to Make-A-Wish.com, there's a tab that says none of these wishes. It's a huge laundry list of stuff. You're not allowed to wish for. And number one on that list is no prostitution. Huge riding, no prostitution. Because that's the first wish on every little boy's lips. They barely got the diagnosis out. And they're like, I know what I want. I know what I want. I've been smoking pretty heavy to get this far. Line it up. Time is money. Where are the horse? That's why they're always so sad in that photo with John Cena. Little Bonin. All right. OK, that's all from me. A real comedian, ladies and gentlemen, you all are on this high route. Fan-fucking-tastic, a breath of fresh air in this room. Thanks. You guys were fun. Thank you. Hell yeah. They've been dying for real comedy since we got up here. How do you feel about Blacks? It does not enough time left in the show. [ Laughter ] -Uh, you're in New York here full-time New Yorker, right? -Yeah, I live in New York now. -How long have you been there? -14 years. -14 years. -How'd you get to do that from Ireland? Do you get, like, a program or something? How does that work? -Is this a sting operation, Tony? [ Laughter ] -I do work. Ice agent's going to fucking swarm. -I do work for the federal government, and many other things, according to some great conspiracy videos out there. -Yeah, I just -- I jumped around to different visas and stuff like that, but now I'm married, so no, you can't get rid of me. -Oh, how are you? -Yeah. -You married an American girl. -Married a good old American. -And what's he like? [ Laughter ] I'm not gay, I swear! [ Laughter ] -You guys keep up amazing comedy like that. Serious XM is going to be allowing you guys back on raw dog comedy. [ Laughter ] $200 a week is not bad. -Is that what you guys were getting? I can't quite -- I don't know the number. -I don't know the number. I don't know the number. They must owe me $100 grand or something. I have no idea what's going on over there. Was it just like -- is it like a New York comedian thing? -Yeah, so raw dog radio was kind of the only channel left that they let, like, me, like, non-famous comedians get money out of it, and then Sebastian came in and said, "Not a mind." -What kind of money are we talking? -Yeah. -What kind of money? -I mean, massive, like, we're talking $800, $900 a year. Which, on the East Coast, you're doing top 1% of comedians. -Yeah. -I know here you fucking lose that down the couch. It means nothing to you, but -- -Yeah. -Is this fun? Are we having fun? -Yeah, we know we are. We are. We get a little serious sometimes. -Here's what I did learn from you. Is it -- The number one wish of every dying child is prostitute. -I see exact same wish of every one of my friends who are alive. -Yeah. -I swear -- I swear it does a list. I swear to God does a -- does a make-a-wish list that you're not allowed to wish for. And the first one is prostitution. Number two is no new cars. And number three, I swear is no home improvements. Oh, my God. I got to meet the dying kid whose final wish is to improve the property value of the house. -Oh, yeah. -Well, they need to walk in closet. -Oh, that means they had a lot of those. That means the parents, the scumbucket parents, with their bad karma. They already have a dying kid. Doesn't get any worse than that. And they're like, "How shelves built by a hooker?" -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, that's the loophole. -Lukemia kid's smart. -No new cars is also hilarious. This is just the parents wish. -A night-year-old asking for a Ferrari, yeah. [ Laughter ] -That was amazing. -Great premises, great execution. Fucking fantastic. Thank you for gracing us with your great Santa Fe. -Tell people where they can find you. -You can see me on YouTube. I've got a new special out. Just look at column-terrel on YouTube. -C-O-L-L-L-U-M. -C-O-L-L-U-M. -C-O-L-U-M. One L. -Is it called make-a-wish? -It is now. -Column-tiber-L, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] All right, back to the bucket-wego, ladies and gentlemen. You've seen what kind of quality bucket pulls we've had so far. Hopefully somebody prepared a little bit with their experience here. Make some noise for Pedro Franco, a minute from Pedro Franco. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, everybody. So I saw that the lady that wrote Harry Potter, she was borderline homeless, which she was working on the book, and that made a lot of sense to me, because I can't think of a better way of coming up with that story than being surrounded by crackheads. Like, I can see it in my head. Like, she's got the notebook walking around. There's a crackhead in the corner, like, "Me, me, you." She's like, "Hey, buddy, what's you got going on?" "There's a school for wizards." "Oh, that's pretty good. Okay, fine, fine." "How do you get to this school?" "You got to get and find your band now." All right, that's pretty good idea. She has to do no work. You know, she keeps walking. There's a guy in the alley like this on the wall. You know, she's like, "What are you two going on?" "There's a train station behind this wall." "Yeah, I don't say I like this wall." Okay, you guys hated that bit, all right? (laughing) You said this wall. Okay, let's pivot to something else. I'm happy to be here. I'm always happy to be anywhere in America. I'm Brazilian, it's a huge step up. When I was saying, "When you get to this country, "people warn you about how dangerous it is." You know, they say, "Hey, be careful in America." A lot of skim calls. (laughing) To the skim calls in Brazil is like, "A guy calls your house at midnight." I'd be like, "I have your son." No, say like, "But it's still a scam. "They called my house and I was 13 and one in the morning." He's like, "We have Pedro." I was like, "I'm Pedro." He's like, "Fuck." (laughing) So I was saying, "All right, I'm going to get the bear." Thanks. - Pedro Franco, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? - Second time. - Oh, okay. Well, welcome back. - How long have you been doing stand-up, Pedro? - I've been doing stand-up for about three years. I was like, "That homeless bit when it bombs "is so strange for me." I was like, "What are you doing up here?" - It is wild because you were performing like it was doing great. You had the beats, you had the rhythm down. - It's usually good. Yeah, I was just throwing me off, but it happens. - It happens. - Without a doubt. - Next job, we're seeing it. - Good. - Go ahead. - Oh, there's a great job pulling out of the nose dive, though. Not bad. - Dude, I was trying. I was trying to give you guys something. Just the face is looking at me, I was trying, but thanks. This is fine, I appreciate it. - Got yourself out of a very hairy situation. - I don't want to get serious. - It's a hairy potter reference. - Oh. - I'm bombing with Harry Potter jokes, too. - It's tough, yeah. - Might as well call it Kill Pedro. We're in the same boat tonight, my friend. So how did you end up in America? - Dude, actually, funny story, hard to believe. - We'll decide if it's funny. (laughing) - Clearly. So the first time I did this show, actually, we went pretty good and I got a visa out of it. Like, it was a while ago, three years ago. - How did you get a visa? - I did a joke about porn, everybody liked, and then you guys are really nice to me here in the panel. And then a lot of comedians from Brazil reached out to me and they're like, "Hey, you want to open for us?" And stuff, and I opened for one of them, and I got a visa out of it, so it was pretty fun. - It's cool. - Look at that, life changing experience here on Caltoni. I think you're gonna have to give the visa back after this performance. - Yeah, I was open to build on that, to be honest. That was a lot. Yeah. - Pizza loves porn jokes. - Yeah. - Pedro, you're like, what, six, six? - Six seven. - Six seven. - Yeah, there it is. Yeah, yeah, that's whole, yeah. - Amazing, you're six seven, you're Brazilian. You must be doing good with the ladies, am I correct? Please tell me, please don't tell me you're with the fucking 50-year-old lady, right? - No, that's going good, dude. I'm just honestly, it's weird to talk about it based on how this went, but I'm focusing a lot on this. It's not dating a lot. They're here and there, but yeah, it's been good. It's been fine, no 50-year-old ladies, just mums. - What do you mean by mums? - Ladies with kids. - Ladies with kids. - Wow. - But not 50, not 50 plus. - Younger ladies with kids. - You're like a loose, you're just like a loose lady. - Wow, red band going. - Little sum, little humor for the 12-year-old boys watching from red band there. - You're like, I'm loose. Right now there's children just cracking up. - I fucking love red band, it's seven. - He just said that mums have a loose pussy. - That's our fucking God, dude. That's our fucking dude, man. Red band fucking, cranking homers for us. Hufflepuff, there you go. - There you go, really hitting it home. - Well, he does it, you guys like it. Awesome. (laughing) I fucked the immigrant, all right. - Mothers with kids, are you living with a fat guy and a trailer? (laughing) - So reference, I don't get. - It's okay, you're not supposed to. - So Pedro, tell us about these mums. Where are you finding these mums at? - Hinge. - Ooh, okay, so how does that go for you? Like, take us through the process. - How do you go, Hinge? You honestly, I cheat, I put, you know those garages that have maximum height, six, six? I have a picture like this. - Ah. - I got our works on Hinge and going a day, but honestly, when women kind of figure out that you're doing comedy, they kind of, it's at this stage, to be honest. When they see this, and when this comes out, it's gonna be great. - Yeah, you're still awesome. - You're still awesome. This comes out, it's gonna be great. - See, what's the mom that you've hooked? What's the oldest kid that's been around? A ballpark? - Older kid. Older kid was 16, we played the same video game. - Oh, shit. - Oh, shit, what was the video game? - 2K. - Wow. - Like after sex, this player was better than mine. I was like, how did you get there? I was like, fuck, it was fine. - Wow. - Incredible. - Pedro, what's your favorite thing? - It'll be alright, she'll be 18, so. (laughing) - They are? - Oh. (laughing) - Pedro, what's your favorite thing about America? - Favorite thing about America? To be honest, safer than Brazil. And you can just kind of do whatever you want. You can chase something. That comes a little harder. - What do you mean chase something? - To be honest, like to get a visa to do this shit and be able to keep going, it is insane to me. You guys take this shit for granted sometimes. - Well, we're born here, we're citizens. - Yeah. This is great. - We're allowed to take it for granted. - I don't know. - We do that, we sing the national anthem. We do the pledge of allegiance. - We send you back to Brazil. - Yeah. (laughing) - I don't mean that porn visa. (laughing) It's just, it's a different country to be in. Like, for example, like, then these days that I go, I was talking to a girl in a date saying that I love America, and she was upset. She was like, fuck you. - Oh. - Like in America. And I was like, why is she like, are you serious? Like, we're literally at war right now. I was like, dude, we're at Starbucks. We're fine. Like, this is fun. -You must cement her on unhins. -Yeah, I don't know. -Here's a medium to fuck my friend. -Well, Pedro Franco, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] He has a big boy. -I'm very excited about this next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We -- I think he's only been on one time. He's a fucking legend in the lore of Kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been waiting to see this guy for a long time. Make some noise for the long-awaited return. A Tony pepperoni, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -It's a beer-thought-it pepperoni. [ Laughter ] Hey, how many Gen Z does it take to screw in a light bulb? A six-seven? Mama Mia! What I say, Mama Mia, you say a "bapapia." Mama Mia -- [ Laughter ] Hey, what do people would dementia like to draw? A blank. Mama Mia. [ Laughter ] Hey. [ Laughter ] My gay friend to hug himself. [ Laughter ] Mama Mia. [ Laughter ] A beer. I'm not going to make a joke about him. That would be low-hanging fruit. [ Laughter ] That would be -- [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it again. This man has a 1,000 percent batting average on this show. Straight out of the bucket. This is only your second time ever on this show. Am I correct, Tony pepperoni? -Yes, sir. -Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Another man that faked an accent up here tonight. Who could have -- I thought that was real. I thought that mustache was real, too. Is that a little bit of tape I'm saying up there? -Yes. [ Laughter ] -Wow. So, Tony, welcome back. I see that you have broken character during this interview part. Who are you? [ Laughter ] -I don't know who I am anymore. [ Laughter ] -So, Tony only can do stand-up. He can't -- he just goes away after the minute. -Yeah, yeah. Sometimes he haunts my dreams and stuff like that. Now, are you concerned that Tony pepperoni might be -- might accidentally get more famous than the stand-up comedian that's behind Tony pepperoni that writes for Tony pepperoni and you're trying to perhaps protect your up-and-coming career as the normal guy behind the creative force behind Tony pepperoni. So instead of being Tony pepperoni in the interview, you've made the decision to be yourself, which no one knows or cares about. -I was thinking the same thing, Tony. -Like a thriftler. -It is. We've seen this before with the great Timmy No Breaks. Timmy tends to stay in character during the interview party. Doesn't abruptly just switch and go, "I don't know." [ Laughter ] -But -- so this is an interesting creative choice. Here we are 13 and a half years into the show, and there's never a dull moment. There's never -- it's just always something new. So this is very interesting. Who is the man behind Tony pepperoni? Tell us about him. -Joy sausage. [ Laughter ] -No. It's actually -- it is Joey. -It is? What are the odds of that? -Joy macaroni! -Oh! Joey macaroni! What is -- tell us about Joey macaroni. What's the difference between Joey macaroni and Tony pepperoni? -Callery. -Callery. [ Laughter ] -This is an iconic moment in the history of the show. [ Laughter ] -Would I say "butter being"? You say "butter boom"? -Say it. -Butter being. -Butter being. -Butter being. -And my therapist is a midget. Talk about a shrink. [ Laughter ] -You should have been doing this character the whole time! [ Laughter ] -These are both wild successes. I mean, is there anything -- Is there it? There's not another shirt underneath that. Is there? There can't possibly be. No way. No way. Whoa! It's Bentley Batman. [ Laughter ] What is going on? What is that? -This is just my regular shirt. -Oh, okay. Oh, we're learning. This is absolutely incredible. So, is your real name Joey? -No, it's Anthony. -Oh, okay, Anthony. My real name's Anthony, too. Look at that. We're just two pepperonis in a pod. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Anthony? -Six years. -I love it, dude. I love it. You've been doing Tony Pepperoni. -Like four years? -Wow, and it just crushes, right? -Yeah. -Yeah. But you really just want to be Anthony, don't you? -I'm trying my best. -See, this is the thing. This is some real conundrum. -Maybe take off the hat, let's see who you are. -If there's another chef's hat underneath there. Oh, my God! What the fuck is that? Is that a beanie baby? -Ratta? -It's Billy Beanie baby. Ratatouille. It's Roberto Ratatouille. -You have characters all up in you. What is that doing on your head? -It's controlling me. [ Laughter ] Just like son of Sam. -Holy fucking shit. You are so funny. You are. -What's up here, Rat? -I didn't get that far yet. -You are a pure comedian, my friend. Did you start here in Austin, where did you come from? -I actually started in Colorado Springs. And then I moved here. -Yeah. -What's your. [ Laughter ] And I got to tell you, Tony Pepparoni's got a lot more spun through him than. [ Laughter ] -So, what different characters do you go up as? What is your catalog? It's Tony Pepparoni, Joey Macaroni. Does Anthony go up? -He does go up. -What's his last name? -Caldor. -Oh, shit. This is just like a guy named Tim Stifler, who we know. -Exactly. -Tim Stifler is a stiff from San Diego. But he puts on a leather jacket and sunglasses, and he becomes Timmy Nober. -Are you Jewish? -No. -Are you sure? [ Laughter ] Have you gotten a 23-in-heed? [ Laughter ] -All right. You said, "Oh, Mike Amazzo." When I say that's expensive, you say, "I agree." [ Laughter ] -Hey. -What a Yama gun, do you? -Yama gun, and he threat that, too. -Oh, my God. The fact that you pulled off that hat that we never would have asked you to pull off, and there's a fucking rat tattooy. Has my mind bent right now? -Were you wearing the rat the first time you were on the show, too? -Uh, I wish. -Oh, yeah. -I'm sorry. I was just imagining going home without us knowing him. -Right. -I mean, it's definitely almost happening. [ Laughter ] -It was a wild success. It was a wild success. Is there anything else we should ask you that we wouldn't have asked you? -Uh, I got you guys some gifts. -Okay. -I love this. -I love gifts. -Toni Pepperoni's emergency mustaches. -Oh, yes. -Stash in a flash. -Oh, give me this thing. -Uh, I only found three. [ Laughter ] -Your girlfriend? -Your Scott one. -Oh, here we go. [ Laughter ] -Is this Game Orn? [ Laughter ] -Wow, look at that. These are very exciting. -Oh, no. I'll bring some for the band next time. -Did you make two pays for the band? [ Laughter ] -Carlos are all gonna have tonight. What's going on over there? Just being a little shy guy tonight? -Bad scalp day. [ Laughter ] -Do you have a little woman at home, a little appetizer? -Yes. They're a little fucking. A little fucking. A little fucking. Yeah, Terra Maranera. -There you go. [ Laughter ] -No, no. Still looking for my toenail is on you. -Ah, there it is. [ Cheers and applause ] -How much material do you think, Tony? Pepperoni has a soul of 20 really I thought he'd have you on the secret show Thursday I'll tell you what Sony I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this one, but I got no regrets here Sony buberoni You are the newest folding sicka winner. It killed Tony folklor congrats with my friend Tony pepperoni we need to see more of you and we need it as soon as possible So we want to see what you have the extra the extra 18 minutes that we haven't seen You are a part of an elite group now. You'll probably get a visa for this even though you're an American citizen and Your life is gonna change. I'd like to apologize to Anthony Carter EO or whatever it was I don't know. I don't know what he's gonna do But you're gonna have to figure it out because the people love Tony pepperoni and people need Tony pepperoni And you'll find your you'll find your lasagna girl. I believe in you look in the kitchen first Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Tony pepperoni everybody Unbelievable Unbelievable that he had up they would it was a rat the rats had to be under the hat is what did it? Is the rat technically the recipient of the golden ticket? It's absolutely incredible People say you need to you know on this show that it's racist and sexist Then you have a guy up here just say and mama me and it brings the whole room together All right back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen as you've seen anything gonna happen tonight Next to my next bucket pull it's Jack our gas to everybody Jack our guy A lot of people think we might be living in like a simulation or like we're characters in a video game That one bothers me because it tells me the guy playing me is also broke He won't buy any of the credits. He's just playing the free version over and over again It's brutal, dude. I'm really excited to be here. I actually just left my job to pursue comedy full-time just a couple months ago I'm living the dream. Yeah. Thank you. Whoo Yeah, I couldn't do the corporate life anymore You know one-on-one meetings Fluorescent lights the last straw for me was when they fired me They brought me into this room and they were like, you know based on your performance We're gonna have to let you go and I said if that's how you're gonna treat me. I'm not coming in anymore I did just move to Austin to to pursue that dream from New York And I do get a little home sick so actually I do appreciate the homeless population here You know one whiff brings me right back home walking down six street one difference I have noticed though is the homeless people here all have shopping carts And it got me thinking it's like maybe if you were not shopping all the time you could afford an apartment What are we doing here guys? Thank you very much Check our gas Welcome Jack. You're very excited after that. I love it. How long good you move from New York Jack? June 30th, I moved here. Okay. Yeah, so June and How long you been on stand-up about two years and change started at the comic strip live did it around New York a bit What do you do for work? I don't have a job. I lost my job. How are you surviving unemployment until December at least? Which is part of why I moved to Austin because I could afford to live here on an employment. How much does unemployment pay you exactly almost 900 a week 900 a week 67. Yeah, wow that's New York unemployment. So New York. It's tough with that. But here I let's funny 900 a week. It's amazing. That is just is that wow. Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, that's Yeah, absolutely incredible. That is just our tax paying money at work for your unbelievably lazy ass to make a star. I love it. Oh, I'm not lazy. What do you do to work? Okay? What do you work at? Well, I do comedy every every day Oh, well, I mean I'm still looking for a job. I know that's not like you know I'm not what are you looking for? What are you trying to do another tech sales job? It's what I did before so Good at it. I'm pretty good. Yeah, I'm interviewing with Amazon right now TikTok a couple of companies down here So I hope I don't have to do that. I can just do this but no, I hope you can Get a job there Thank you. Jack, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes some wild shit Maybe in my younger days. I definitely did I play a lot of golf not so much recently because it's expensive and it's hot here play a lot of golf Again, I've just been really busy with comedy, but yeah hanging out with friends sports. I do a lot of sports betting Betting on sports. Yeah, yeah, when you've 900 bucks to blow. It's pretty good Why not what's your what's your rent right now? So I've been in a place in South Mancheck. Is that how you say that one South Mancheck? Mancheck. Yeah, it's been 2200 I had a little saves I blew through that and then I'm moving to Place in Valente from just taking a room in like a lake house for like a thousand bucks a month a thousand dollars a month That's a pretty good deal almost unemployment. Yeah Jack, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you de madness is leaving right now? He said I'm out of here and I'm never coming back. I'd say a really unique story to me is I was when I was a kid I got swarmed by a beehive Stung like 35 times in one night. Wow. Yeah, even they didn't like you It's amazing, like I just like your cheese shirt I can stand it back there with Tony Pepparoni. Yeah bacon. I can cheese. Yeah So this this be swarming that you got did you see the hive where you were? Well, I was living upstate at the time in a cold assack and all the kids would ride their bike into this little ditch and ride out You're like dip in you get a little ramp out. I was like six and you were a little fat boy, weren't you? Husky but fit. Yeah, you know built like we need the poo. Yeah, yeah, definitely bigger. Yeah, yeah I didn't know you were just supposed to dip in and out So I went all the way into the ditch and ran over a yellow jacket's nest and then I was screaming that there's monsters Attacking me because I was sick so I didn't know what was happening and they chased me into my house Everyone of my family got stung. We had to get people over. It was bad. When's the swelling go down? I don't know red band Red band you did it again red band Here you go my friend. There's a medium-sized joke book. All right. They just look bigger on TV. There goes Jack our guests everybody All right, well, I mean quite the dips since Tony Pepparoni. Let's get a regular up here. This young man is has the un Lovely job of having to write and perform a brand new minute every single week on this show He basically never misses an appearance with a brand new minute ladies and gentlemen makes the noise for the former dark Storm of Atlanta the dark storm of Austin, Texas this is What's it all about stop lying to me if you got our only fans you have Adderall Didn't why you I used to motivate it for your only fans. I'm tired. Help me Every girl with the only fans got a Adderall in a vape prescription that she dropped on the floor Okay, I'm the only one dating the nigga with the only fans Don't nobody get nobody Speaking of addictions. Why didn't anybody prepare us for the disappointed judgment of asking another adult for a charger? Why didn't they get so upset at us like they treat us like you a child like they look at you like you fucking child You don't have a oh mommy didn't pack a charger for you. You didn't know So let me ask you a question. What adult decision did you make when your phones at 43 percent? Did you put it on low power no actually you know what we're not going to give you a charger We're not going to give you a charger because in this household we don't believe in enabling and I'm like, hey, this is a bar If I don't have a charger I can't pay Right because I needed electronic money and then you don't even know the I wrote somebody to give you once you tell you them that you have an android You like a even bigger job. I went to a letter this weekend, and I used to bartend out there And I saw one of my crackheads that you should like clean up the bar and I was like and I walked up to him He's like mr. Showtime. I was like I'm not on showtime on YouTube Definitely twice right and I said why don't you get your crack head asked away from me. He said, hey, I ain't no fucking crack head I just do crack Crack head is still from name mama, and I would never do that So I get that nigger fifteen dollars. You don't say because you don't want to tip a nigga that look like he stole from his mama before Okay, y'all don't got homeless people. What do we do? All right, I'm done Dedric Flynn ladies and gentlemen Sometimes it's hard to relate to people sometimes they They don't hang around places that have crack heads. Sometimes they don't have girlfriends that are on only fans. And sometimes a bar in Atlanta, it's just a bar in Atlanta. How was your trip to Atlanta? - It was great. I just, y'all don't have none of it. What do y'all come from? (laughing) - And why won't you tell us about it? - I want to go to the great land of no crack heads. - I want to park my car and leave my bag in it. - Did your phone die a lot, that jerk? - Yeah. (laughing) - Why does that, how does that happen? 'Cause I always charge mine, right? Over night, and then I wake up and it's at 100%, it holds strong. And then at some point, usually before I go out at night, I take a hole like either a nap or a second shower, something like that, plug it in again. Back up to 100, from 70 to 80, it's an easy trip to 100. Takes longer to get to 100, if you let it go down to your 15s, your 20s, if you will, which I think my phone only gets to, if I go to a music festival or a concert, Tim Butterley. - Think about this, Tony. (laughing) A smoke detector could save your life. (laughing) - Damn. And they let those die. (laughing) Damn. Yeah. - First of all, a smoke detector never dies. (laughing) - What happened before you go further? - Does it fit smoke detector? - Yeah, no, crackheads live forever. It's all fettin' on niggas that die. You look like one of the niggas you got a narcan. Before I. - Okay. - And all you did, Tony, was just to describe you having a better life than me. I got a grind out on the road. So I got to fly places, sometimes frontier, not sometimes, every time frontier, doesn't have a place for you to charge that in. I know you never been past the first four roles in like 10 years as shit. - Been a while. - Well, us niggas in 37F have a thing to say. (laughing) I was in 37F for a long time. That's how I work to my way up there. - Yeah, you know, Patrick, if you don't use speaker phone, it doesn't die as fast. - That's hilarious. That's hilarious. (cheering) That's hilarious. Red band. Red band, where's your sound effect? You made the crowd go wild. Turn it up, Red Band. Where's it at? He doesn't even know where his own sound effect is. 13 and a half years. Still doesn't know how to find it. Oh, there it is. No, I get. (upbeat music) - Red band, that's the first time I've seen you. I wanna fuck your labels and words so big. - Oh, no, you gazing? - It's a different sound. - Oh, he's 60 years old. (laughing) - Deadrick, you're the fucking man. Thank you so much. Another minute club from Deadrick Flynn. On to the next one we go. We know this young man. He's been on the show quite a few times. Look at the lovely Heidi. I mean, absolutely incredible. What a class act. By the way, Heidi's farts and a jar are available for sale. At Kilmerch.com. It is a real jar with a real label and a cool red lid. They're for sale. 25 bucks a pop. You might be wondering, what does it smell like? What does a Heidi's fart and a jar smell like? To find out, buy one, Kilmerch.com. We mixed one red band fart into the. Hundreds and hundreds of Heidi's farts and a jar that we made. So for one unlucky person, it's gonna be a red band fart. Maybe it smells like nothing, by the way. Maybe that's just what Heidi's farts smell like. So go to Kilmerch.com, buy a Heidi's fart and a jar. I know I'm on five for myself. All right, mixed with your next bucket pool. It's Ali Musa. Everybody, Ali Musa. So I was doing the show recently and I was really distracted by a very heavy set woman sitting right in the front. And I'm not making fun of her for being big, but she was wearing one of those shirts that say pink. So it said pink right across her chest, except the bottom part of the pee was squished right in between her boob and belly like this. So the whole time I just thought it said oink. (audience laughing) Holy shit, that is a confident lady. (audience laughing) I thought it was Lizzo's new clothing line. I was like, "Let's go." (audience laughing) You know, I'm sure you guys have all heard that stigma like the coolest you can feel as a white person is being invited to the black cookout, right? Well, I brought a black friend to a white cookout and it was the opposite energy. He did not want to be there. He was judging all the food. He kept saying that white people put raisins in their potato salad. And it's a serious issue for him 'cause my buddy hates raisins so much. He doesn't even like raisin his own kids. (audience laughing) I think raisins in potato salad remind him too much of his own dad. They're black, they're wrinkled and he's used to them not being there. (audience laughing) Thank you. Ali Misa. Welcome, welcome, Ali. Thank you. You've been on the show numerous times. How long have you been on stand-up now? 15 years. 15 years. Was that, did you start in LA? I started in Tucson, Arizona. Okay. And then you moved to LA. No, I visited quite often though. Okay, yes. And how long have you been in Austin now? It'll be five years next month. Five years next month. How do you like it? What's been going on? You go to, I like it. You ever go to HEB? HEB is, you know, the greatest place on earth. Yeah, there you go. That is correct. That is the correct answer. What do you like to get at HEB? Take us through an order of Ali Misa. At HEB, I get some cat food, get a little bit of steak. You eat cat food. You don't have a cat. Am I correct? I have cats. Oh, you look like the kind of guy that would eat cat food every once in a while. For sure. I mean, in this economy, who knows what's coming? What's your favorite kind of cat food? I get the Purina. Nice. Yeah, the shrimp flavor. Oh, yeah. That's delicious. Like, like. I love it. Ali, what's going on in life? Tell us about it. It's doing comedy full-time for the most part. I also do shitty movie reviews on the internet that has kind of a following happening for me right now. Very cool. I watch the worst movies of all time and I shit on them and I make videos about it. Have you seen Digger? I know I knew the name. It's not Digger. Digger. I'm sorry. Digger. Oh, is that the new Tom Hanks movie? Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. Tom whatever. Same difference. It's a little different actor. Couldn't be more different. You haven't seen it. What's the latest worst movie that you've seen? I watched this Ugandan movie called "Bad Black" and now I have like 3,000 new Ugandans in my inbox sending me movies. Ugandan filmmakers telling me to review their movies. I'm like, I'm not going to shit on some dirt poor African filmmaker. You know, it's like. It doesn't feel right. Yeah, but you could also turn it into like a recurring segment called "You Gone to Check This Out." Yeah. That is true. There we go. That is true. Tim Butterley, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. TimBatterley.com. The Tim Butterley show. 30 minutes with Tim Butterley at youtube.com/TimBatterley. You gone to check it out. Ali Musa. What do you think is the weirdest thing about you? You have any weird habits. You seem like the kind of guy that like showers and with instead of using like a towel, do you have like a beach towel or something? I actually do have a beach towel, honestly. You use a beach towel as a shower towel. Am I correct? That's the energy. How the hell did you know? That is unbelievable. Sometimes I impress even myself. I knew you ate cat food. I picture a beach towel. Hold on. I think there's something else. There's something. You're single. Am I correct? I'm single. Yeah. Absolutely unbelievable. Absolutely. The last time you had sex was about a year ago. Am I correct? Under. You know, actually a few weeks ago. Oh. With your cat. With your cat. With your cat. Tell us about that. Who did you hook up with, exactly? A lovely lady in San Antonio who are met through comedy. You did a gig and then you met her afterwards or she's a comedian as well. I met her out of show. She's not a comic. Okay. Was she sitting in the front row with a pink shirt? She could have been. So what happened? You went back to your hotel. Your car. No. It was for like months and, you know, Snapchat, Instagram, eventually went over there. You sent her a dickpeck? No, I didn't actually. Good. Was she from Uganda? I couldn't disappoint her before. Alley. Well, I never got an answer. I answered it for you. What's the weirdest thing about you other than using a beach towel? Oh, towel. Go ahead. I'm kind of a juggalo. I've actually performed stand-up comedy at the gathering of the juggalos. I saw Tim Butterly there. Wow. Look at that. I laid out my career. Explain to the people that might not know what exactly doesn't mean to be kind of a juggalo. You're a fan of the insane clown posse. You have partial custody and you enjoy whippets. Yeah. Oh, wow. There it is. Bay, and you're the option of jiggle-o. Right. It's like I have a Walmart fuck the Golden Coround crew. created like a TLC reality show, participants is what it is. - Alley Musa, fun times. Here's a medium sized joke, book, my friend. Always a pleasure, Alley Musa. We're gonna keep it moving on to the next one, we go. All right, this looks like a new name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Patrick Schwaul, everybody. Patrick Schwaul. (upbeat music) - Hey, what's up, everybody? - Yeah, my name is Patrick, I'm kind of a weird guy. Occasionally, I am master mate. Someone wants to offer in mind. He told me a sore dick is kind of like a good deal. You just can't beat it. I really got to take a break, kid. He told me. Thankfully, I don't have a kid 'cause I beat my dick. If my dick were a kid, I probably wouldn't have custody of it because I'd beat the shit out of it, it's bad. My dick were some eggs, they'd be scrambled. But I'm working on cooking them over easy, if you know what I mean. Like kind of like a couple of poached eggs for a nice Benedict. I've got the holland days. Yeah, it's, but yeah. Hakuna Matata, am I right? More like Hakuna Matata too much. It's not good, really. You don't want to see my dick. Wow, okay, so this crowd is not like masturbating. We're losing the one cool black audience member. He's shaking his head as he leaves. Red band's leaving, so that's a positive. Red band leaves after you're said, "I'm gonna make you a regular." Patrick, welcome. This is definitely your first time on. I would remember if there was another guy that just only talked about masturbating too much. It's a scary amount of masturbating talk. How long have you been on standup, Patrick? Probably like twoish years. The first time I got on stage was 23 years worse than this. Well, what the fuck did you talk about then? I just ran and shit down on a no-car, 'cause people in school thought I was funny. And I was like, "If I just say stuff." What school, Cornell? Now, Jesus. Patrick, how much material do you think you have that you could do during a good set? A solid set. A solid set, I don't know. Three minutes, five minutes, it's okay. Yeah, three or five minutes. I've done seven before, just tell me. Would that minute be part of that set? I could do a whole new one without that, but I have a lot of stuff about my dick. Why do you have so much material about masturbating, Patrick? I've just been having problems, Tony. Do you really masturbate a lot? No, I stopped. It's amazing. How did you stop? I just quit. How did you quit? I just-- I'm not gonna do anymore. Thought of that in the moment. No big deal. Cold jerky. Come on. Oh, look who's back. Wouldn't you have to fart or something? What are you-- You just heard jerky and ran back. But there's jerky out there. I'm gonna cut it off and get back to work. Brian wants to know how he stopped. How did you-- how were you-- well, first of all, before we get to how did you stop, let's talk about it at its worst. At its worst? Yeah. What were you doing, exactly, Patrick? I was getting high. What kind of high? Just weed. OK. And then-- No, you were stimfabbing, weren't you? What is that? Yeah. Take us through it. [LAUGHTER] But you take emphetamines and you stay up for a couple of days, gooning nonstop. Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. He's back. He's back. He's back. Yeah, I got high on some shit. I don't even know what the fuck it was. And I fucked my dick up. But it was the best I ever saw it. How? It's like Balboa. OK, so how many times do you think is your record for masturbating in a day? Ooh, I think seven times. I did that one. Seven. So bad. Seven. That's nothing. Red pan's done that since the start of the show. I was a teenager. So like, how are you now? I'm 30. Is that still coming your hair? No. [LAUGHTER] I do. I did have a joke. Someone told me I looked like-- Don't do it. Yes. And I didn't understand it. And I was like, oh, along came Polly. Now I get it. Yeah. That's a different joke. But it's a different movie. I think it's a work off of it. I know. I think it's a-- Patrick, what do you do for a living? I fuck it up. Right now I'm unemployed. Really? Yeah. I mean, you just got nothing going on. When's the last time you had a job? Probably like three to four months ago. OK, what was that job? Easy question. Landscaping. OK. Wack in the weeds, huh? Oh, yeah. Absolutely incredible, Patrick. You were the last white landscaper. You heard of the last samurai. You were-- it's official. I'm getting word from Michael Gonzalez. You were like the general custard, if you will, of white landscapers. OK, over here. Patrick. So how did you lose that job? I quit. Whoa. Fucking walked out. So how do you have money? How do you survive? Oh, I saved some money. What's your exact savings? What do you think you have right now? Can I guess? You tell me over under? Yeah. I'm going to say $4,500. Oh, it's way under. OK, how much under? What do you got? You're like $338. $338. Let's dig. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think you should get back to masturbating. What's your limit? Same like the only thing when you are working. What's your living situation, Patrick? I live on my own. I have a place to live. What's your rent? It's like $1,200. OK, so the first of the month is about what? 28 days away or something like that. I'm going to find a job interview tomorrow. What's your job? Where's your job interview at? It's online. It's for a marketing thing. OK. You think you're going to do good at it? I don't know. I think you're going to style your hair, definitely. You're going to comb it over or something, or you're just going to let that rip. You're going to let it rip. OK. I don't know what to do with my hair. I was like, should I get a cut? Should I get a fade? Should I grow it down? [BELL RINGING] You went with that? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Wow. That is crazy. It's like you represent the Lollipop queen or whatever hair style. Lollipop. Lollipop, like the Lollipop guild? Yeah. The hairstyle. Yeah, that's a little something for the children. Tony, have you ever done a makeover for a guest on the show before? We did one shave a guy's head who he was based-- I mean, it was the craziest thing you've ever seen. It was a guy with barely any hair left and he had it all combed forward and greased down. It was the craziest thing ever. I don't think there's much we could do with Patrick. I disagree. We fixed his posture. We had, I know, I'm looking, trying to work on it, but it's just-- Head back straight up. We never wear these shorts again. Yeah, they're pretty gross. Sometimes at least for, like, 10 years. Patrick. Well, Patrick, what do your parents think about your existence? Do your parents deeply disappointed? Because you went to college, right? Yeah, I did go to college. Did you graduate from college? Did you graduate? What was your degree in? Electronic media and broadcasting. And what are you doing with that? Did you learn anything when you were there? I like talking to myself and pretend like I'm a newscaster sometimes. OK, give us an example of what that looks like. This just in. My name's Patrick. You're bad at this, too. No, I'm done. Here's a little joke, but there you go, Patrick. Thank you. Troll, everybody. Wow. Absolutely incredibly bad. I mean, the quality of the signups tonight are incredible. The highlight was just masturbating. This is amazing. Wasn't that much. I mean, listen to the silence of the room. There's people literally leaving during a live time. That's a masturbating. Literally, all leaving at once. There's six people leaving. He got the mood to go jack off. It's a new look. Oh, this lady just decided to leave. She's just joining. Crazy. Anybody else? All right, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Joey T. Everybody here comes Joey T. [MUSIC PLAYING] Guys, my name is Joey, which is gay for Joseph. Guys, I know my name's gay, because really straight guys won't say it. You know what I'm talking about when I say you're really straight guy? Guys, shake your hand too hard. Guy lowers his voice a whole octave just to sound more bad at us. Your real Uncle laser tap filler. Guys, I met Uncle laser before. I shook his hand. Some of the names Joey nice to meet you. Look me in the eye and say, nice to meet you, Joe. You just dropped that wail like it was a gay baby. Oops. I wasn't, you know, mad. I'm used to people dropping the wail, right? You know, I'm just curious. You think he does that to lady's names, too? Uncle laser meets a peggy. Nice to meet you, peg. Love a good peg. You guys like toys in the bedroom? Hell, yeah, I love toys in the bedroom. That's not a fuck my girl on a pile of tecdex. You guys think I'm joking? You guys think I smuggle these tecdex into the comedy mothership just to do this bit? Joey, I'm just gonna stop you there. You are basically-- literally talking to yourself up here. You're talking about Uncle Laser during your opportunity of a lifetime and you're doing-- -What, I thought I'd take some shots at the, you know? -How long have you been attempting stand-up? -Three and a half years, yeah. -No, no, there's no way. -There's no way. -I'm not going to allow that answer. Are you pleased to tell me you're lying? -Oh, man. -Was it that bad? Joey, that was dead silence the whole time. -I mean, are there a couple of chuckles, you know? -No, there was, and there's one drunk lady that's wasted over here, holding up her head on her husband's shoulder, literally laughing and nothing at all, kind of ruining it for everybody, because we were hoping for a crisp silence. I could feel in the room that we were all united. -I'm sorry. -Because you're literally talking about Uncle Laser during your set. There, I'm just going to-- I'm just going to keep him moving. I'm not going to encourage this kind of behavior. -Yeah, man. -Yep. -Sorry, Tony. -Joey, it's okay, put the mic in the mic. -San, you're okay. Next time you do material, three years, you got it. You can do it. -I'm going to bring someone special up right now, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is going to sage the room, just like column Tyrell did earlier. This is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. He's been on panel before he's done sets, before he's done it all. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you "The Return of the Great," a "Sanamad" everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -I realize that I don't know much about the Epstein files. The other day, I just Googled, "Is Pizza Gate real?" And then Google gave me that notification that said, "Hey, Google would like to know your location." And I was like, "I ain't that curious. That's crazy." I literally went back in my phone and typed in, "My bad." I threw it away. I was like, "Not today, not now, not today." The craziest thing I learned, apparently, is Galein Maxwell's dad owned McGraw Hill. The textbook company that made all the American textbooks around the student. It's like, "Damn, that's how evil they were, huh? They kidnap kids and gave them homework." That's insane. If Johnny's getting trafficked on a train going 50 miles per hour, how much would it cost to buy them off-way fare? Show your work. I do have another part of this joke, can I say? -Go ahead. -The person who I feel worse for in the whole Epstein thing is definitely Tiger Woods. I feel bad for him. There's nothing to do with his driving. That's all on him. Although it was pretty sweet that there's a half-black, half-Asia man out there that's an incredible athlete, an incredible driver. God was cooking when He wrote that one. The fire was coming out of His pen, you know, and we'll name him Tiger. I feel bad for him because Tiger was in Tiger Korea got ruined because he had consensual sex with adult women. It's like, "Damn, Tiger, knowing we know now, if you just had consensual sex with minors, you could have ran for office. That's crazy." All right, one last thought on Tiger Woods. It must feel amazing as a black man to win an event called The Masters. That must feel so good. A son of mod is good as a good, hilarious, topical, great premises, great execution, absolutely everything. A son, how are we doing? Oh, doing good, feeling good. One of my favorite human beings we work together every Tuesday, Wednesday, and some Thursdays. You're a full-time, absolutely wildly successful, Austin comedian. You're doing the road. You're doing everything, traveling with Duncan, doing my shows sometimes. This, that, and the next. How's life going? Pretty good. Pretty good. You know, trying to keep myself busy. Yeah. I've started doing this thing called random nodding. Ooh. Tell us about that. Well, so I actually got this from Duncan. I'm just saying that if you go to somewhere really random, it's like it causes a glitch in the simulation and it'll show you something weird. So this is an app that just sends me random coordinates and I'll go every once in a while. Oh, wow. Yeah. What have you found? Well, I found, I actually went with fuzzy one time in a couple other comics, but we found like a pretty funny glitch where we went to, it took us to like this church petting zoo thing. Ooh. But like, the alpaca was in the field and then like the kids were in a little cage. Wow. [laughter] The alpaca was running right now. At one point the alpaca looked at us like, "I know this is wrong." I was like, "You got the eyedress of that?" [laughter] Was the priest in the little cage with the kids? Yeah, I don't know. I think they just just pen the kids off. They're like, you know, I thought it was weird, but now do the recent events. I'm like, "I don't know how much white people like their kids." Yeah. [laughter] They let them do anything. They're nothing like Indian parents. No, they'd be, I thought those kids would be doing math in there. Yeah. Or riding the alpaca. [laughter] Or eating them. [laughter] Fucking look, come on. Maybe we can do everything. [laughter] Asan, you're the man. You sage to the room of Joey Tees, Uncle Lazler, tech decked material. [applause] We needed that. Asan, where can people find you? I have a podcast called The Solid Show, and I'm on the road. I'm Portland this week, and Philadelphia in December, go to asancomedy.com for tickets. Go see Asanamad. He's a gangster. And at a church pet engine. All right, back to the bucket. We go, ladies and gentlemen, we have work to do here. We have to find another one. Tony Pepperoni's not, cannot hold down this bucket alone. I have not given away a single, big joke book tonight. Only a golden ticket. Can you believe that? Not a single, big joke book. Make some noise for Jose Manuel Cisneros, everybody. Hello, my name is Jose Manuel Cisneros. [laughter] I will talk joke now. No, I don't really talk like that, you racist. [laughter] But I'm Mexican, so I do procreate. I have four boys. One is 21, 1918. I call them the original trilogy. And then we have a nine year old, which I'm still kind of debating the reboot or the prequel. So we're debating that. But if any of you guys have kids, the other day, me and the soon to be ex-wife, we're clean, the house, because we're going to have people over for something. And he's playing Minecraft in the living room in his school. An hour before I say, "Hey, reboot, can you please get off the game?" He says, "Give me a sec, Dad. I'm almost done." Sure, we got an hour. 45 minutes come. Hey, reboot, can you get off the game? Ah, give me a sec, Dad, I'm almost done. Sure, sure. 30 minutes. Can you get off the game? And my teeth keep getting tighter and tighter, right? Like your parents remember that? So now, um, 15 minutes. Get off the game. Give me a sec. 10 minutes. Give me a sec. People are over. And I finally go, "Can you please get off the game?" And he says, "Give me a sec." And I say, "I've been giving you lots of sex for the last hour." [laughter] Why would you see that, Dad? Jose manuals his nerves. Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up, Jose? About three months. Okay. What made you want to come on here today? In front of millions of people on a show in which we try to find sometimes extremely talented people. That's right. Actually, I just came out here about two weeks ago, because I'm going through stuff with the Mrs. I bet you are, because you're gay. Am I right? Am I right? Jose, are you figuring this out about yourself right now, why? A lot of people think of that because they're like. The shirt? Yeah. The voice. The everything. We went in a cruise and they wouldn't let me into the restaurant because they said I was sleepless. And I point out my wife and I say, "She's sleepless." They say, "Yeah, women can go in." Were you mad? Were you mad that it wasn't a gay cruise? It was. It was called a Tom Cruise. I love to eat pussy. I hear guys who don't like to eat pussy up here and like, boo. Tell us what your favorite part is about eating pussy. Is it when you cup the balls? It's the long part. Tell us your. I tell us in the original voice you started. No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Please, don't do that. For the love of God. No, I just, you know, the texture. The texture of the pussy, ladies and gentlemen. Every man's first answer. I know the guy with a beard was singing the same thing. There's nothing better about eating pussy than the texture. Yeah, just like describing a New York Italian cheesecake. There's just nothing better than the texture of pussy, ladies and gentlemen. That's right. And the taste is not bad, either. The taste is not bad, either. And let your wife go. Let her go out there and. I will. Let her give that texture around the world. You guys are at the end, huh? He's the only person in the room that doesn't think he's gay. Have you ever kissed a man? Only in a play? -What's that? [ Cheers and applause ] -What's that? -Rainbow. -Kino is activated. -Kino is activated. -Rainbow arts. I didn't even know you could do that. -No, no, no. It was -- It was -- -That is incredible. -Let me ask you one question. -I pulled the lips in. -In a play is getting your men out of passion. [ Laughter ] -Do you like the texture of Cox? Yes or no? -My own. -Wow. Okay. How's that? -Come on! Come on! -Wow. -So you could say that 100% of the penises that you've touched, you like the texture of. [ Laughter ] -I guess so, yeah. -I guess so. Jose. -How many of the four kids are boys? -All four. -All four. Now, do you think that's why you like eating your wife's pussy? Is because there were boys inside of there at one point. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] If you had four girls, you'd be like, "Ooh, bad texture." I don't like the texture. No, I was eating -- I was eating your pussy before we had kids. -Okay. But do you have an eating it post-kids? -No, I do. -Oh, you do. -It goes to the texture, correct? -Let me ask you this. -You ask me what? -Is the red band and his 12-year-old fan base? They want to know, was the texture better before the kids or after the kids? Because red band said earlier that if you have kids, it's loose in a classic joke that made all the children listening around the world laugh. [ Laughter ] Some kids listen to this show on their iPhones after their parents put them to bed. They think they're asleep. They're watching this show, listening to some naughty comedy and whatnot. He said that they're loose or have you noticed a change in the texture? -No. -You notice no change whatsoever. Could this be because perhaps after four kids, there's more skin coming out, so perhaps it's more dick-like. [ Laughter ] -No. So, the last one tore the part between her ass and her post-kids? -Oh, shit. I think the doctor put an -- -It made you a little dream-hole, huh? -Yeah, yeah. -The best of both worlds. Just one big old fuckhole for you. -No, no. -Yeah, you get to live all your fantasies. It's like being at a Broadway rave. -Hosey, let me ask you this, 'cause even though your set was absolute fucking chaotically bad, I find this interview to be interesting. -Oh, there's a lot of shit, though. -Because, you know, much like the guy earlier write Tim that needed a makeover, I think we can make this guy gay by the end of this interview. [ Laughter ] Tony's gonna do gay eye for the gay guy? -Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna take you to the promised land, my friend. Hosey, let me ask you this. What other than kissing a guy at the play? By the way, how long ago was that play? -20-something years ago. -Okay, but you always remember that kiss. [ Laughter ] -Cause you answered it very quickly. I said, "What's the gayest thing you ever done?" You're like, "I kissed a guy at a play." -No, you said I be of a kiss to guy. I said, "I did it in the play." -Okay, all right. Okay. Okay. [ Laughter ] Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Hosey, would you be willing to go on a date with a man? Would you ever try it? -No. -Okay. Let me -- Why? -Cause I like women. -What do you like about women, other than their texture? [ Laughter ] -Well, it's the touch of a woman, the softness of a woman. It's different than a man. You know, what's that woman? -Okay, let me know. It's different. -I mean, you know -- -How do you understand it? -I'm in a solid. -How do you know a woman is pervy? [ Cheers and applause ] -How do you know what men feel? Like, can we play a little game? Can we play a game? Would you be -- Hosey, would you be willing to play a game where I -- I -- I -- we cover your eyes. -I'm full, dude. -We're going to cover your eyes, and we're going to have a guy next to you, and we're going to have Heidi next to you, and I'm going to have you touch their arm like that. And you have to guess which one's the guy, and which one's Heidi, and you're only allowed one touch. Are you willing to play that game? -Sure. -Fantastic. Let's cover his eyes. So we have some kind of makeshift blindfold, please. [ Cheers and applause ] -No, Kirk? That wouldn't work. We can't put a dick in his mouth. [ Laughter ] -Oh, that's Hosey. Let him decide which one's the bushing. [ Laughter ] -I think someone wants to get some action today. -All right. We need some type of makeshift blindfold. This shows completely off the rails. This is a -- Wow, that worked. Where'd that come from? [ Laughter ] Here, wrap this around your head, Hosey. Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] There we go. All right. Cold. Get up here. Come on, cold. Keep the headset on. Nothing fancy. This is going to be great. Okay. All right. Now, here's how we're going to do this. [ Laughter ] Here's how we're going to do this. Hosey, put your hand out. Just stick it out. Keep going. Yeah, like that. A little bit more. Okay. Now, one of them is going to put their arm underneath your hand. All right. Here we go. And I want you to describe to us what you feel. Now, well, don't go that way. Keep going up. There you go, right there. Okay. Now, okay. That's enough. You're going to hurt him. Okay. Hosey. -Yes, sir. -What do you think that was? Like a woman's arm. -Okay. Here we go. Let's try number two. Let's see what we got here. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. -It's an arm. It better be an arm. [ Laughter ] All right. Now, what do you feel this time? Okay. That's enough. That's enough. Feels like the same arm. Okay. But it felt. No. Kirk, no. Kirk, no. Get back here. Hold on. Hold on. Like a guy's arm. That second one felt like a guy's arm? Yeah. Okay. We're going to do a third one. Here we go. Here we go. What do you feel this time? That's a man. Wow. Wow. Hosey. You got a little heart on that one. It didn't go exactly how I thought it would go. It's not cold. Good job, Heidi. Oh, that's cool. Here we need John Deezer's. Thank you, John. You're a hero. We need hearts. Now, which one did you like the most? The girls are. Wow. You're a liar. Hey, even my wife thought I was gay. You know, it's okay. Time out. Here we go. We take gold ladies and gentlemen. And here we go. This is like the start. Back when it was. Back when it was Rogan and Mike Goldberg on commentary of UFC of a main event. And here we go. So, take us through. We've hit gold, my friend. This is what we call a gold button. Take us through the time or what exactly your wife has described as you being gay. Just tell us about it. This is your voice, by the way. This is like what you should be actually talking about. Okay. I'm getting divorced with my wife. She thinks I'm fucking gay. The whole crowd's gonna laugh because that's what they're thinking anyway. So, go ahead. Take us through it. No, when we first met. Uh-huh. She thought I was gay. What? Okay. Because of the way I dressed and. And? Just because it was kind of dressed and. Just fun. Come on. Keep going. And we do anything else. Seriously. She thought you were gay because. Because of the way I dressed and the way I just was. I guess I am a little flamboyant, I guess. Okay. We're getting closer. I'm not gay. This guy's gonna be taken loads to the face by the end of this. He's gonna be glazed like a fucking. What are you talking about? If you are, just be who you are. Yeah, no. You said she. No, what? She had an issue with your manscaping? No. Oh, you meant. No, just the way I dressed. How did you dress? Just nicer than. In a leather outfit. Yeah, just the way I asked. Oh. All right. The way you just spanked yourself and. You slipped your gay. Yeah, too tough, brother. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just. Of course it was not. You know? We're telling you there's nothing wrong with it. Don't tell us there's nothing wrong with it. We're the ones trying to tell you. The way you're gripping that mic stand. I mean, it is incredible. You've been holding on with. You sat on it at one point. You didn't even notice it. It's a pointed ballet Broadway shoes. You wouldn't. You wouldn't try it. You wouldn't try hooking up with a man. No. You would never try it. No. Are you offering? No. But what do you think would happen? What if I was? That's a good shoes on the other foot? Yeah. All right. Well, Jose, I will tell you. Yes, it is crazy. The longest interview was the guy that bombed. It's a wacky show. Were you going to say something else? I said there's other shit besides the gay part that I think would have been more interesting. Like what? I worked at a dinosaur with dinosaur fossils. I put together a T-Rex and I tried. Did you ever put one of the bubbles up your ass? No. Are you sure? The T-Rex have a big cock. No, we didn't have that. One in the pink, two in the extinct. Huh? That's a good one. (audience applauds) (audience applauds) All right, even though your set was terrible, your interview was completely compelling. Jose Manuel Cisneros. Thank you. One of the top young rising gay comedians in the world. [APPLAUSE] And I don't care what he says. But Tony, he caught that out of the air. He might be straight. [LAUGHTER] But he caught it with his mouth. So for the viewers at home that are just listening. All right, your final bucket pull of the Night Ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kate Shelton, everybody. Here comes Kate Shelton. [MUSIC PLAYING] Uh, hi, all doing. I was talking to my liberal friend the other day. He was telling me black people can't be racist. It's like a power structured thing. There's like layers to it and all. Which I thought was pretty wild. I thought we were done telling black people what they can't do. I don't engage in that activity. Every time I see my black friends, I'm like, dude, you could be as racist as you fucking put your minds. You don't listen to these gay nerds. Don't fucking do it. All right, no, but I'm happy for black guys. It kind of have like the Mario star for racism right now. You know, they could run through walls. They could do whatever the fuck they want. They can go into 7/11 right now, roll their eyes and nobody says shit. They used to be us. Is this what it's like to have your things, don't we? Well, we were stealing jazz and rock and roll. We never thought that they would double back for racism. We didn't even think they'd lock it up. Yeah? We didn't even think they'd put racism behind like that, plastic berry. He lifted it up and fucking goes, "Beep!" We didn't even put racism behind that. Now, but racism's a hot commodity these days. I could tell because that's where the only fans' girls go, you know? They pivot to right-wing grifter. Now, the pussy picks to work out. It's time to break out the hard-ar. Which is just wild to me, you know? Cage Shelton. My money's hard. Yeah, it really is. It really is. I was laughing the whole set, but I was laughing at stuff that we said about the gay guy that was my boy. I couldn't shake T-Rex. I hear a word you said, man. I'm like, I can't do the room. It's all curk. I'm like, hey, I need to hit you because I had to get that bone in the ass joke. I love it. There's much more interesting things about me. I worked at a dinosaur exhibit once. This guy was pretty gay, huh? It was incredible. You really missed it. OK, how long have you been doing stand-up? I did four or five mics, and I was like, 23. Eight a big ol' bag of dicks each time. Oh, the last comedian would have loved to have done that. Yeah. Now I'm back at-- Taste for it. Yeah, now I'm back at 27 with Avengers. I've been doing it like every day since April. OK, what made you want to come back now? Fucking, I probably would have killed myself for then. Tell us more about that. Yeah, I always said I wanted to be a comedian, and I wasn't doing it. I was getting pretty mad at myself. I was blaming it on girlfriends at the time and shit. Yeah. It's on me, though. So now I'm doing it. I've been happier than I ever been. I bark over at Shakespeare's all the time. So usually, y'all leave this show and just step over me. Like, I'm one of the homeless people. Well, I'm like, please come see this free comedy show. None of you have to. It happens. People have plans. People are hustling. Kate, what's interesting about your life? How old are you? I'm 27 now. Seven. OK. Schumallman was a drinker. Yep. Yeah, he had a drinking problem. But he solved that shit because he's not here anymore. Yeah. That's when you're drinking problem turns into the solution to all your problems. So what happened? He just went to the hards he could, and then he kind of checked out. He died. OK. Well, hey, that's like the manliest thing he can do in life is drink yourself to death, you know what I mean? That's like some John Wayne shit, second amendment, monster truck kind of. Or raise a family and some kids. No, no, no, this way, man. But I mean, his favorite drink was vodka cranberry? Interesting. So I mean, technically, he did go out like a bitch. Like, if we're being-- if we're being technical. I think he's pretty close to figuring this out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The locking up racism thing, that's, like, pretty close to hitting a bit. Yeah, it's pretty close to a bit. My black friends like you, but, you know, what are you going to do? You were-- they're going to deny it, but you were making the band laugh. Hell yeah. How many black friends? And they were ready to riot during the gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, how many black friends are probably a little less now? Oh, probably. I just lost a couple of them. Where do you make these black friends at just out of curiosity? You seem like you'd have no black friends. This is a surprise. But your dad's the happiest guy in the family. Nah, he was. He was cool, dude. Nah, he just made them at comedy clothes. I got a lot of black comic friends. I actually got pulled over with one of them. And he was mad at me. I was getting a little lippy with the cop. Were you driving? Yeah, that's why I was getting a lippy, man. I was like, I'm white. I can handle this. Like, wow. Let me do the talking. You seem like you get stressed out before you shake their hands. Yeah, I'm fucking scared of shitless right now. I ain't going to lie to you, bobo. I'm fucking. I was pretty scared to come up here. I just meant more about just doing black eye handshakes. Yeah, black eye handshakes? I got that all day. I do the snap and everything. You know, I've been ingratiated. You do? It's a whole thing, yeah. Really? Yeah. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? I have a beat up Toyota. He's dead dead. Beat up Nexon. No college degree. That's pretty black. Oh, man. What the fuck? I'm standing out. Carole a pretty good blunt. Okay. That's pretty black. Works for Shakespeare. I work for Shakespeare's, yeah. Very inside reference. For sure. It's a bar. Oh, that's the door. Giant hog. Obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I liked it new special, but I love it actually. Oh, thanks. It's on YouTube. It's not really a big deal, right? Kate, you close with Mom? What's up? You close with Mom? Oh, yes. She's the best. She's probably going to see this show all her people in the Facebook group. The Facebook group fucking hates you because you almost got a Trump not elected. No. Yeah, they do. No, but that's just wrong. I didn't know. I know, but they they they they swear you almost got common. They're like, who's this fucking twink doing this? It's so weird. It's so funny that there's it's so funny that there's still conservatives out there that believe the mainstream news. There's such a small group in your mom's. They're all Facebook. Yeah. That's like the market for conservatives. That's dating place ever. Yeah. Yeah. Facebook dating. Tell Mom that she's got her heart in the right place. She's wrong about me. Yeah, she's a she's the president of the United States would disagree with her. Yeah. My mom's kind of like a quiet racist, you know, she's not one to yell. She's more like, you know, there's black people in it. Yeah, we all are just kidding. Okay, there goes Kate Shelton, everybody. There you go. There goes Kate, everyone. Rough night, a bucket pulls, man. I don't know what's going on at that Shakespeare's next door. Maybe the buckets just rough tonight. Who knows. But we got through it. We did. We had a golden ticket winner, Tony Paparoni with the second ever appearance. Everything else was rough. The only big joke book was given to a man who's definitely gay. But you never know what's going to happen on Killtony. That's a mix the crazy episodes. I'm much crazier. The one good thing that we can count on is that we have an absolute anchor to end this show. He is a gift from the comedy gods, ladies and gentlemen. A single week he writes and performs a brand new minute that absolutely boggles our minds. We are all really big fans. We get to sit back and enjoy the stylings of a brand new set. From one of the all-time greatest regulars in the history of the show. The real deal. The anomaly. This is Pat O'Neil. There's something I need to get off my chest. Hooker poop. So, let's get the show on the road and try to get home. Get a wash off. Let me ask you right in the front. What's the difference between crypto currency and monopoly money? You can't pay a blind hooker in crypto. That's right. Good answer. Halloween around the corner. That special time of year you're allowed to say spook. And give candy to kids. It's like the purge for racist pedophiles. Do you ever notice how many whores go as themselves for Halloween? What's going on with that? No holiday spirit. Apple bobbing season. My favorite time to deep throw to fruit. Okay. That is enough for me. Thank you. The great. Pat O'Neil. Hitting us with his seasonal Halloween material. I love it. This is like the pumpkin spice latte of Pat O'Neil. I've got some coming for Christmas too. We can't wait. I bet there's some Thanksgiving stuff up those sleeves. Yeah, maybe one. Yeah. Was there some costumes from past Halloween that you were? They were memorable? I believe I was a pirate one year. That would be great. It's a very drunk pirate in college. Back in the day, huh? Yeah. The great Tim Butterley. I wish you could buy like a $200 Pat O'Neil. It'll put on your lawn at home depot. It's really fun. and you can just walk with the kids in your neighborhood. (laughing) (laughing) - Could be available at killmerch.com next season. Who knows? That sounds amazing. - Uh, Pat. - This episode is gonna be huge in Mississippi. There was a real racist thing. - Well, there was a lot of attempts. - I like you. You're, you're fascinating to me. Kinda like a, a bobble head on crack. (laughing) - Yeah. - Thank you, friend. - Funny. - Yeah, he is an absolute machine. Every single week, it's just so fun to find. - I think one of the real charms is when he pumps one of these jokes out, and I love every single one of them, and it looks like the machine almost gets overwhelmed, and he's like-- (blows raspberry) (laughing) - Uh, Steve coming out, there's needles moving, and it's like, uh, Steve, what? (laughing) - Now here's the next most racist thing you've ever heard. (laughing) - Are the other own nails kind of wacky? Are you the, are you just the, are you the C monkey out of the whole bunch? Like, are you sure family wacky? - I like to think I'm a wacky one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So I bet you really stand out. Do you have brothers and sisters? - That is one brother. - Right. - Yeah. - I bet he's a normal guy, isn't he? - Yeah. - Is it like a tech job or something? - Yeah. - Ah, actually, I don't know. - You don't even know what he does. - Yeah, he moves furniture, yeah, I don't know. - Yeah, you don't even have enough time to pay attention. You're no writing jokes and fucking hustling at night. - Right. - The brother's just gonna have to figure it out. - They're mostly alcoholics, right? The O'Neal's. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm just picturing like an Adam's family of wacky t-shirts in like a dark mansion. (laughing) - It is, it is something. 'Cause it is just like a forehead crawling around on the table or thing, right? (laughing) - Is Halloween your favorite time? - Absolutely. - Yeah, I see it. - Yeah. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. We're gonna be all celebrating it together, assuredly, as we all do here in the Killtony family. We always hang out on a holiday. A lot of people don't know that. We will also be in Vegas in mid-November, two nights in a row, and New Year's Eve. You'll be doing another arena. Here in Austin, at the Moody Center. Pat O'Neal, there's nothing more I can say that I haven't said before you are absolutely fucking. - I get done it. - Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world who also happens to be a regular on this show. That is the great Pat O'Neal, ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauding) Guys, how loud can we get for my amazing panels tonight? The great Kirk Box, ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauding) Season two of the lowdown on FX with him, Ethan Hawke, Tommy Lee Jones. One more time for the great Tim Butterley, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, 30 minutes with Tim Butterley. The Tim Butterley show, and he's on tour at Tim Butterley.com. One more time for the best Tim Band in the land, huh? (audience cheering) Right, man. Check out my new autistic song, "Dino Train," "Cap Red Music" on YouTube, and we love you guys. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you so much. Good night, everyone. (audience applauding) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)