KILL TONY #785

Hey, this is RedBam and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHanscliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHanscliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad Merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! It's the best day of bandin' all the land. How about one more time for them? Ha, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, the great Michael González on the drums, Nachos Balgrondo. We have the Purina Piper Matt Milling on the electric guitar. The great John D's on the keys. And that, believe it or not, live in the flesh. You are looking at the one and only debat-ness ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This is a hot crowd. You guys sound good tonight. I like this audience. Fuck yeah. This is fantastic. Before we get this party starting, it's a big party tonight. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. All right. Before we get into it, I got to tell you guys about something. We just launched Killtony Plus. Here's the deal. You sign up. You get every new episode ad-free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before. This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience. You also get bonus content. Q&A episodes behind the scene stuff. Extra bits you're not getting anywhere else. And there's perks on the merch store too. It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things. Links in the description or go straight to killtony.supercast.com to join. This is a very, very exciting opportunity for all you diehard fans and super haters. Go to killtonysupercast.com. All right. Back to the show. Hello there. 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Run your game. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I booked this thing differently. You know, last week, Yakov Smirnoff and the great Ari Maddie, the week before that Gary Owen, Brian Simpson. We went urban, little urban. And then we went Russian, Eastern European. And tonight we go a little bit wacky. We go a little bit. It's time for some fucking conspiratorial chaos, right? I present to you two of my favorite comedians in the world. And they are both considered now. They work together as the mystery boys. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Duncan Strustle and Kurt Metzger. There he is, the pig. Duncan Strustle. The powerful Kurt Metzger. Clive in the flesh. There he is. Have a seat boys. They are the mystery boys. Available on Spotify and YouTube. Wow, Duncan Strustle. My man, welcome back. How are you? I'm great, man. I'm great. Thanks for having me on the show. Absolutely. We love you. Can I just do something real quick in this kind of lame? It is your show. But I mean, Kurt, we don't think that comedy should always be funny. Most of the time, not at all. Not at all. And sometimes you need to use a platform to do something good for the world. Guys, we want to talk about a fund that we're raising money right now to free Andrew Tate. Let him raise him. Get him out. What's all this talk? The Lindsey Clancy of Men deserves a chance too. That's right. Kurt Metzger is here, ladies and gentlemen. There he is. He's got the bullet card. There you go. The pipe. Wow. I'm looking forward to seeing some great comedy and some very interesting deformities. That's right. That's right. We're going to have a little bit of everything today. We have five special treats tonight, which is really crazy. That's a lot. Normally, there's only three. Normally, there's a golden ticket winner and two regulars. But we have some real big surprises scattered in the set lineup that I have tonight. And here, my friends, we have about 300 signups. We'll let that one go first. Why not? Oh, I'm up there. There goes their chance. There it goes. There goes their chance, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Absolutely. Anything can happen. I'm going to let this guy, I don't even know how to make fun of this guy. He is so perfectly strange. I've never seen a white guy with a Jerry curl before. Is that a perm? Do you have to sit under one of those things for that? It's a fro. Are you jealous? You're seeing a Jew frill? Wow. I mean, that is unbelievably tight. I've seen a Jew frill before, but do you see that? Not as good as that one, but it is powerful. It is incredible. It's almost like a black fro. Your Jew frill is getting into black territory. What do you do in finance? What do you do? What do you do for work? Real estate. Basically finance. It's basically the same. All right. We pulled the name. You understand how it works. That person, a win, they finally make it to the stage. It's going to get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. I mean, they have to wrap it up then. They don't care about the anger West Hollywood bear, which really interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. We talk with them about it and perhaps their life, anything else they could talk about. They're stand up, fucking what else is going on in the world. They go from being a lucky stand up comedian to a guest on a podcast in 60 seconds. We give a little bit more time to our regulars and golden ticket winners. But all the buck-a-pulls are going to get 60 seconds tonight. Well, it's an exciting thing that happens here. Because every once in a while out of this magical bucket, we get someone who wins a golden ticket. It used to be extremely rare. As of late, so many great comedians are signing up trying to fucking get discovered on this show that it's been happening more often lately. This man, I'm bringing to the stage. This is his first ever cash in on his brand new golden ticket. Just wanted a couple weeks ago. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian and a very funny man. It's Brent Reed, everybody. Woo! I just ran in from six straight, getting the shit scared out of me. I got came up to me and he was like, "Hey, you want to buy any fentanyl?" I didn't know you could get that shit on purpose. I thought I had to be a surprise. You know, like an engagement or a finger in the butt. Things are surprises. I just thought you had to get fentanyl on the side with the order of cocaine. I didn't know you could get that shit out of my cart. I scared the hell out of it. I called my dad a day to catch up, asked him how he was doing. He never tells me how he feels. He said, "Breen, I'll tell you what, if I was in a better, I'd be twins." Can someone here explain to me what the fuck that means? What does that mean? What if the twins are sad? He speaks in riddles. Redneck dads, speaking riddles. My favorite one growing up, he'd be working on something. I'd be over his shoulder giving him advice. He'd go, "Breen, I'm the one fucking this pig. You're the one holding it down." Have you ever heard that one? I was like, "All right, well, I'm six. You just taught me. You just taught me B.C. Audi, non-concidual sex and metaphor. I want one swoop. Really, I appreciate you helping me put together my hot wheels track. No, Paul, I'm not going to eat therapy for that one. Thank you guys so much. (audience cheering) Brett Reed, amazing minute. Lots of punchlines, lots of punchlines. I love it. Thank you, Shay. I love that. I'm the one fucking this pig. You're the one holding it down. Where are you from again? Cato Alabama, population 1,200. That's right, that checks out. What does Dad do for work? He is a manager, he's a project manager for an installation company. That's what he does. So he works construction. And he's pumped to not be paying my phone bill anymore. He's pumped. I love it. That's exciting. Happy in the pig and shit. Hey, runs in the family. That's right. The apple doesn't fall far from the pig's mouth. Amazing, I love it. How about mom? Does mom have a job there in Alabama? Yeah. She works at a bank. She's a nice lady, nice sweet lady. My mom's the sweetest lady on the planet. Like I could shit in a box and give it to her for her birthday. And I swear to God, she would open it up and be like, "Oh, you made this, my son made me something." We're going to check in with the great Kurt Metzger here. I mean, I don't know if that's sweet. That sounds R-I-T-T-A-R-T-I-T, you know what I'm saying? What? What? It's like your mom's a target. Oh, my mom's not a target. She's a nice lady. She might be a little retarded. If I hit on my mother-in-law box and shit, she slapped me in the face. She's a good person. I wouldn't actually do that. I would never give my sweet mom shit for her birthday. Don't trust me. I don't mean to be a grandma Nazi here, but I'm pretty sure you spelt the retard in the wrong eye. [ Laughter ] Oh, here we go. The woke bullshit from fucking Dennis Hopper over here. [ Laughter ] Wow, there's nothing more retarded than spelling retarded rock. That's amazing. I love it. It's not gonna be discreet, you know? I love it. These are the mystery boys. Brent, fantastic set. Way to get the show fucking started. You're amazing. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Great, great, great, ladies and gentlemen. It's done again. And now, you know what time it is. It's fucking time, everybody. This is where shingles are a little crazy. Anything can happen. Could be a crazy person. Could be the next great talent of the industry. We're gonna give it 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool of the night. It's Donnelly. Everybody here comes Donnelly. [ Cheers and applause ] Hey, everybody. I'm Donnelly. My mom is tired. My dad's Irish. I'm tired. She's the whole thing. But I went through a divorce a really long time ago. And my mom called me with her very heavy accent. And she goes, Donnell, now you get the boss. Nobody want you, no more. Donnell, you have too much emotional luggage. I said, Mom, it's baggage, emotional baggage. And she said, See, you know you have it. I'm like, Look, that's not nice. I don't think I care for that. And she said, Donnelly, you have to get on something on the computer to meet new man. I have a friend. She have a girl, your age. And she get the boss, too, because she's stupid like you. And she have to get -- She have to get on computer on application where she meets the man, Donnelly. I said, Mom, a dating app. And my mom goes, Donnelly, you have to get on something called Christian Meet-Hole. [ Laughter ] Listen, Mom, it's Christian Mingle. And she goes, That's what I said. I said, That's not what you said. I don't think it's appropriate, by the way. You're Asian, you're Buddhist. And I can't get on a Christian dating app moment. And she goes, Donnelly, if the man good looking, he have a lot of money. You're Christian now. I'm down to thank you. Donnelly, Donnelly, you've been on this show before. I have. Welcome back. Hi, thank you. Oh, yeah. Third time, you said? Third time, yeah. How's life been going for you? Amazing, because of this opportunity I'm traveling around the country doing comedy. I'm headlining. Wow, look at that. Amazing. Yeah. Thank you. Amazing stuff. And you have a big documentary coming on in October. I just found out. You're Elizabeth Holmes, right? No. Yes. Give those crazy eyes. Yes. Yikes. Yeah, you're great. Is your mom a real lady? Is she 100% what, Filipino? Ty. Ty. Yep. Got it. How about dad? What's dad? Irish. Nice. Big tall Irish dude. Yep. All right. Very cool. That's why I have crazy eyes, I guess. Yes. That would explain it. That and the trauma from whatever. Let's check in with Kurt Metzger. He's going to spell something. Spoiler alert. You look like one of the killers from season three of Reacher. I don't know. Reacher. That's right. Oh, no. That was retarded, Kurt. Thank you. This place is on fire tonight. So, Donna Lee, you still have a boyfriend or something? What's your husband? You have a husband. What does he do? He's a real estate developer. And I love him. Yeah. I love him. I love him. What's your husband? You have a husband. What does he do? He's a real estate developer in Austin. Okay. Real estate developer in Austin. Is your husband Jewish? No. Okay. You didn't have to say it like that. You anti-Samy. Oh. That sounded bad. You're right. I meant no. Still sounded kind of rough. I love it. What is he? What is your husband? He's half Italian, half French. Ooh, half Italian. Yeah. Last name, Lamondola. Oh, okay. Yeah. Is that Danny? No. That's Amondola. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Donna, give us another fun fact about your life. What else have we not talked about before? Let's see. I'm so pleased and blessed to be. This is my dream, by the way. I did comedy 12. I took 12 years off of comedy in 2006 after I did comedy. Anyway. I came back May 2024. And now I'm a full-time touring comic since May 2025. And this show has opened more doors for me than I can possibly share with you. It's been amazing. So thank you. And I'm a clean. I'm a clean comic. You're a clean comic. Yep. Yeah. I'm doing the things. I've opened for Leon Morgan, Joe Koy, DL Hugley back a long time ago. And now I'm headlining the same clubs. So I'm excited to be here. Isn't that fun? Yes. It's fun to be doing it all on your own. I always brag about how sweet you've been to me. So thank you. That's what I do. I'm a nice guy. I'm often misunderstood. But I'm famously one of the nicest people in the industry. That's right. You have been to me. I have been to fights with people about you. So I just want you to know, I'm out there defending Tony Angel. That's right. That's what you should do. I stand up for people that are also misunderstood. The do great things for the world and a thankless, thankless world. Where they take a lot of heat and a lot of bad energy from people. Just because they're misunderstood. Because they don't watch actual, they don't have the correct information. They're watching fake news. Go ahead. I'm also a good person. I have done incredibly great things. Yeah. And you have, yes, too. Thank you. I didn't want to have to say it, but yeah. Yeah. He does charity work. He helps people that are our ITTAR. Absolutely. Excellent. Donnelly, congratulations. That's a fun set. Here's a medium joke book to take home with you on a casual little Monday afternoon. And on we go to the next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for him. Oh my god. There she is. Wow. Can you believe it? That is the live specimen. Just absolute perfection. My god. I know what you guys are thinking. I wonder what her farts smell like. Need to. We all do. Every day, even when we're not here. Even in the middle of the night sometimes wake up. The hot sweat. Wondering. What do hidey's farts smell like? Well, you can find out because we are now selling hidey's farts in a jar at Killmerch.com. Maybe it's an empty jar. Nothing's in it. Maybe you got hit the lucky lottery. And you get to smell an actual fart of hidey's in a jar. Go to Killmerch.com. You know, fall hits like a switch. Suddenly, the slow wandering pace of summer turns into earlier alarms, tighter schedules. And that feeling of everything landing at once when all of that picked back up. A G one was the one thing that didn't get renegotiated. It's the anchor. One scoop eight ounces of cold water before the day starts running. You red band. AGI helps maintain energy support, gut health and support immune health. It's clinically shown to support gut health and fill common nutrient gaps. It's a daily health drink with a multivideum, pre and probiotic superfoods and anti-oxid. One scoop eight ounces of water done and magically consistent consistency is the magic. When everything else shifts, AGI one stays simple. The next gen formula delivers 75 plus ingredients clinically shown to support gut health. Fill nutrient gaps on improved key nutrient levels within three months. It fits right into my routine. Quick, reliable and something I can actually feel working over time. You should give it a try too for a limited time. Save 20% on your first subscription order of AGI one. Next gen or AGI one pro drink AGI one dot com slash Killtony. That's drink AGI one dot com slash Killton. Your next fucking poll goes by the name of Matthew Jordan, everybody. Good morning, everybody. How's it going? So who's here been to Montgomery County jail lately? This one has. It's pretty fun there. You know what they actually give the. Inmates there, iPads, you know what they go back to. They start talking about their lives and everything like that. So if you have buddies, family or anybody in jail, they've already talked about everything you've already done. They've told everything you've already done and they just going for commissary. They just love to get the commissary like that. They start talking about that stuff. You got your whole family tree. Everything, when you, he gets out, he's gonna go find you. They already know what's here. They've hooked up AI to that shit. Then they're gonna find out where you at, what you're gonna do. It's quite amazing. And you talk to him and it's just like, they're giving up everything for sandals, for socks. It's quite amazing. It was such a great experience. Well, I went a little closer. But it's, you got to go. It's the most incredible thing. (audience laughing) I think experience you get there. I mean, it's a comic, just what you get there. I mean, I gave it a five star. I mean, it just, it's a little lumpy like a little mattress or something like that, but it's going fucking good. All right, Matthew Jordan. (audience cheering) How's it going? (audience applauding) Matthew Jordan. That is welcome to the show. This is your first time here. Oh, this would be my second time. Okay. Yeah, I did terrible the first time. I got scared. I was like, holy shit, it's happening again. Yeah. And then people started laughing at the unbelievable chaos. No definitive punchline, but the part that won everybody over was you have to check it out sometime. You do. I mean, it changes your fucking life. I mean, what about Montgomery County? All right, let's slow it down a little bit, Matthew. Let's slow it down. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy or whatever? I've been out about two years, but stand-up is about two years now, but I've been doing other comedy. Okay, what other comedy have you been doing? I've been doing improv long form and I'm designing my own stage at home and stuff like that. I'm a big, I'm doing all fucking online and shit like that. You know, with that beard and the jittery energies, I have to ask you, can you spell the word retarded for me? Retarded. I could. Retarded? It's okay, you don't have to. Matthew, what do you do for a living? I'm retired now. I was really a restaurant manager. Can you spell retired for me? No, because it has the eye and the e, one of those two. Whoa. All right. One has an eye, one has an e. Perfect, Matthew, what did you do for work? What do you retire? I was a restaurant manager. Wow, you retired from restaurant manager? That's a hard job to retire from. How did you do that? You just don't have to know the hey, I ended up in jail, so you never know. What are you retarded? [LAUGHTER] So how long ago were you in jail? It was about, it was Mother's Day, actually, I went in for Mother's Day. Well, yeah, it's been 48 hours and intake in jail. OK, so what exactly did you do to get to go to jail? That's what the world wants. That's what I'm trying to figure out now. I mean, I drove by my old house. It was high to my son. 15 seconds later, the cops pulled me out of the restaurant. 15 seconds later. It's two houses, two stop signs. They were there. I was in a rental car, and they knew I was there. I'm like, how the hell did you do that? How's their son? He's 22. You waved to your son. Yeah, he was out front and said, hey, I was just passing by. So what are the odds? What are the odds that you passed by and your son was there? Well, where exactly was your son? Well, the odds are probably 100% he doesn't go anywhere. But he was just standing out front. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was saying. So I said, hey, what's going on? That's what I'm saying. I know what you're saying. I think I was set up the whole entire time. But how could-- why do you think your son did that to you? No, it's fine. If he wanted, he's an adult, he could do whatever he wants. But do you think he did? I know he could. But do you think-- Well, I'm talking to the lawyers and stuff like that. Did your son know that you were about to drive by? No, because I was in a rental car. That's what shocked me. I was like, oh, he's shit. Even if you were in a rental car, you could have called him and been like, hey, I'm in the neighborhood. I'm not going to drive by. He doesn't answer your calls. He answers everything, like I was supposed to know the fucking answers. Every question I ask, and he goes, well, well, well, what do I need? What was the joke? Wow, OK. Was there any joke in there? I was trying to get the joke. I was promoting the jail. It changed my life. Look where I'm-- OK, we're going. We're going to-- let's reset. Let's check him with Kurt Metzger here. Well, are you-- is he that guy at the Charlie Kirk shooting pulled his pants down and said it was me? Is that who that is? He does-- why is he out? He does my beard? He does have that energy. We had a beard and a weird story. Let's check him with the great Duncan Trussell. Don't let restraining orders keep you away from your son, man. That's exactly what I'm starting to get to here. That's what I'm fishing around for. Do you and your son get along? We did. I'm not even much anymore. He's a big deal. Why do you not get along anymore? I'm a divorced dad now, so I moved to Austin, so-- Sure, a lot of stuff coming on. That's why I'm doing a lot of stuff. He's 22. Why would you guys not get along? Normally, a divorce wouldn't stop a 22-year-old from liking his own father. I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. You had no idea whatsoever what it is. Why is mom's not very happy with me, so-- Why? Why is she not happy with you? Oh, I mean, we had our problems. Marriage for 20 years. We got a divorce. And we went our separate ways. I was a stay-home dad, so-- And a restaurant manager. Yeah, a restaurant man. Dave Davin Busters is quite incredible. You were Dave and Busters? Yes, I was. Wow. And your favorite place is-- Yeah. Are you talking about it? Absolutely, yeah. I was a manager. I love Dave and Busters. But now, let me tell you, I'm no longer a Dave and Busters guy. I'm now loyal to the local art of pinballs. It ends in his feet. I agree with that. I highly recommend pinballs, everybody. They have electric go-karts. You can just hold down the gas the entire time. None of that crazy nasty go-karts smell. It's all electric now. They have it dialed in. Even you thrifty people that don't like spending your money so much might enjoy a great day over at pinballs. You're welcome pinballs, you get it? That's right. Let's check in with Duncan. Well, the funny thing about that is pinballs is the name of the guy who fisted him last time he was impressed. [LAUGHTER] You know pinballs? Yeah. You never-- He was nice. You never want to get in the cell with a guy named pinballs. So 48 hours in jail, you have no idea-- I was here for two weeks. They took my phone and everywhere. I had no one to call. The only person I call was my ex-wife. Did they tell you what you were charged with? Well, I had actually hepp in there. That was when it was legal. And they said it was crystal meth. I swear to God, I'm like, how-- When they took your phone and they took my phone, they put everything in a rental car. Told the rental I had no one to call. The only number I remember was my ex-wife. And so I was like, shit. So she had a message on there that I've been jailing. She enjoyed that shit. So I was just like, my fuck. And so I couldn't go-- Slow it down, slow it down. Only answer the questions that I asked. What's up? It's early. I didn't have one, so now-- OK, here we go. Here comes another one. You ready, Matthew? Yes. Oh, the hell did they think that hemp was crystal meth? Oh, it was those diamonds. I was vaping it. The diamond-- It was a hemp diamond stuff that you can buy and you vape it. It doesn't have a smell or anything like that. It's like a stone? Yeah, it was crystal. You buy it off hometown heroes. It was-- It's got home town heroes, it's diamond, it's hemp. Is it clear? Yeah. It's a clear crystal. That's what they told me. They came in an unmarked box and everything in the mail. It was very legit. It was very legit. Let's check in with Duncan Trustle, our senior crystal meth correspondent. Do I look like I am? The Lord of the Drugs. I just know that no one has ever looked at you and thought he's on crystal meth. That's never happened. It didn't happen, that's what shocked me. Yeah. You seem like somebody who tried to smuggle crystal meth. But they gave me hemp. You seem like you would make the crystal meth in your own laboratory. I've never heard anyone call it hemp when they got arrested for weeks. Yeah, that too. The hemp thing's very-- I'm a clean drug addict. I'm not trying to solve a mystery here, but whatever you did must have been pretty bad. Yeah, hemp is one level more dangerous than papyrus. Yeah, you go to jail now. Because of me, it's their paper jokes for those of you that can't keep up. I'm not really known for my paper jokes, but win and roam. Win and roam. OK, so obviously they tested this theoretically and it tested positive for crystal meth. I didn't see the-- I didn't see the test or anything. But-- oh, good point. I did not see it, so I'm-- But let's face it, let me tell you, it's just a normal citizen. They're not just out arresting white guys for having bad vape juice. You know this, right? Yeah. You bought crystal meth, whether you like it or not. It didn't be-- it was shit to you. It's not addictive apparently, so. All right, that's what the dealer wants you to think. Do it, and just put it away. That's how the deal at any time. You talk a lot. That's how the dealer gets to you to buy it. And then all of a sudden, you bought it, and now you're addicted to crystal meth. Did you really, really, really, really, really miss your vape juice when you were in jail? Yeah, I have a-- I named it with Sarah and everything. I was just like, who? What? Jesus, I got to get you out of here. I got to get you out of here. There he goes, Matthew Jordan with a small joke book. That's the lady birthday killer. Yeah. There he goes. Oh, he's shaped odd. I didn't even notice his odd shape until he was walking away. There's the lovely, hidey, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along to our third bucket pool of the night. Clearly, anything can happen. Mixed in noise form. It's Patricia Gutierrez, everybody. Patricia. You know, in high school, everyone called me a scrub. And look at me now. I'm single, but I think are you single? It's kind of a weird question, if you think about it. Are you asking if there's more than one of me? What do you mean to my single? Do you need glasses? Did you get your head? Or could be booze, you know? I'm sure some of you all don't look single. I feel like the only people that would really not be single would be, like, enjoying twins. They're definitely double. But I am single. People asked me how my last relationship ended. She had a sleeping problem. She slept with everyone. So it was a bit of a problem there. Thank you. I'm Patricia. [APPLAUSE] The truth is, you have good ears. 44 seconds of an entire minute. Are you coming straight from the hospital right now? From work, yeah. I'm an optometrist. Optometrist? I doctor. Yes, yes, an eye doctor, indeed. And I also don't wear glasses, which some people think is odd, like they don't know if they should trust me. Oh, very interesting. How long have you been an eye doctor for? About a year, yeah. Graduated to 2025. You talk very fast. Are you an auctioneer on the side? I can do it if you're looking for one. I can tell. Boking him. I can tell. Would you say 3035? 2025, graduated. 2025. Yeah. 2025. [SINGING] Uniglasses. Yes. You're slinging glasses out there. That's right. How long have you been-- so you got it in 2025? I graduated 2025, so-- And you're already a full-time doctor. That's right. Amazing. Do you have your own practice? Are you working on lens crafters or something like that? A probably practice, yeah, not my own. Wow, that's very good, especially for good eras. That's amazing. There you go. See, there's horn players. You guys could have gone to college for two years longer. I love it. You must be the pride of your family, am I correct? No, they're proud, yeah. Yes, absolutely. You have brothers and sisters. One older brother, one younger sister, yeah. What does the brother do? He's a very Catholic. That is his job. Wow. He talks about the shroud of turin, if you heard of that. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, that's what he does. He does that for a living. Amazing. How about the sister? What does she do? She's a stay-at-home mom? She's a stay-at-home, not mom. Not a mom yet? Wow, incredible. So you say that you're single. This is amazing, because you're a good looking guy. You're an eye doctor. You talk at a very fast rate. It seems like you'd be good at dates. When's the last time you went on a date? I think it's close to a year now. Yeah, I've been really been dating at all. Just working. Do you have girls that flirt with you when you're checking out their eyes? I did have a very flirty patient the other day. Yeah, tell us about that. She asked if I examined anything else. Hello. Hello. Oh, my goodness. Did you take the ball and run with it? Or what? What'd you do with that? No. You handled it like a professional? I'm trying to keep my license. Right. So told her there are no. And if you could slide your depends back on. That'd be great. Amazing. Kurt Metzger. Oh, be honest. I don't believe this guy's single. Oh, tell us more. The eye doctor with a private practice. Uh-huh. Tread calf. Uh-huh. People want him to examine other things. You think he's a really single guy? I find it hard to believe myself. Yeah, it sums up here. The truth? I'm not saying I can solve it. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Do you have a regular like booty call or something like that? Yeah. Oh, no, no. You don't have a little fuck body in your life. Nothing at all. I think it all, yeah. Check in with Duncan Trustle. Let Kurt smell your dick. Ah, that is how we figure out the one line does. An eye for an eye. That's in the Bible. When's the last time you had sexual relations with a woman? It's over a year, I think. Wow, over a year. But if my parents are watching, never? Oh, you don't want them to know. Yeah, they're very Catholic. They're like your brother. They're like my brother. Wow. Oh, my-- did you dick ever go off in someone's eye? No. What? All right. Patricia, how about for hobbies and stuff? You have any fun hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to finger skateboard or something like that? That's a kid I did, yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, look at that. I have an eye for talent. There you go. I watch a lot of movies. And I'm also pretty strict about movie etiquette. Oh, let's talk about movie etiquette. What are some of your rules? Well, like, I just don't think people should be talking during movies. I agree. Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness. You know, Redban has a group singled out. Yeah. At home, if you're talking all positive movie, I love it, buddy. I'm with you, dude. I go a step further. If you made me miss something, I'll rewind it a little bit. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you. This one time, actually, my ex, you know, Rolfan at the time. She was over at my place to watch Harry Potter. And I keep doing this because she kept talking. And, you know, she got upset and left. So it gets my charms made her disappear there. Oh, look at that. Do you remember what she was saying during Harry Potter? Do you remember what she was talking about? She asking questions or about-- I'm trying to have a whole conversation. Yeah, I'm not even sure if it was about the movie at all, either. Right. Absolutely unacceptable. Duncan knows all about this. Nothing worse than when one of those damn ladies starts talking to her in Harry Potter. Free end of date. Free end of date. Free him now! [LAUGHTER] That is amazing. Patricia, other than movies, is there anything else crazy we should know about you? No, I don't know. Because you seem like a good guy. You seem very-- like, you have it all together. Let me ask you this specifically, you know? And yes, your parents might see this, but they get it, right? We're all adults. They have their little secrets, too. Catholics, let me tell you. They-- oh, boy, oh boy. They live a secret double life. You're looking at-- I went 12 years of Catholic schooling. And let me tell you, all those people that preached to me, this, that, they all turned out to be scumbuckets in the end, right? They're covering up crimes at Ursula and High School in Youngstown, Ohio, sex trafficking, across state sex trafficking. Look it up. This is the high school that disowned me during the whole Puerto Rico thing. Anyway, well, I'm disowning them. You hear me, Ursula and High School? I'm disowning you now. How does it feel? Yeah. You could have just kept your mouth shut. The news cycle would end it in a couple of days, but you had to go out there. OK. So we know your Catholic parents are watching. We know your brother is putting down the shroud of turn for a second and listening to this. But I got to ask you, because you're living the life, dude. Private practice, eye doctor, single-- get on, like, talking during movies. You're perfect. What I want to know is, what's the naughtiest thing about you? What's a naughty? Give us one dark side of Patricio. Something that is a guilty pleasure in which you're like, man, I probably shouldn't be doing-- I like to go to pinballs and spend vast sums of money on claw machines, a guilty, guilty claw machine. I have a puppy at home. And I just win him fucking stuffed animals. I bring home bags of stuffed animals for my little puppy, and he just tears them up. I throw them in the trash, because who gives a fuck? There's more stuffed animals. That's mine. What's yours? [LAUGHTER] I don't know. I like swimming. I think that's a good day to swim. [MUSIC PLAYING] Get the fuck out of here! [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, there's a guy dexter hunts on the show dexter. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, god, I'm going to die. All that set up. Oh, my rambling. I gave you so much shine to think, well, the naughtiest thing about me, Tony, I like going for a dip every once in a while. [LAUGHTER] I like getting my dick wet, but not the way you think, Tony. [LAUGHTER] Jumping in a pool, perhaps, a chlorinated swimming pool for me, Tony. I think it's a good first day. That's what I was saying, yeah. I was chilling. He's got a collection of people's eyeballs and his fucking safe. Right now his parents are like, wow, what a good boy we raise. Amazing. Patrizio, you came in short on your time, but I like your style, man. I like everything about you. You seem like an honest guy who's just a fucking good guy. You're just starting out how long you been on standup? One week. One week. Perfect. For one week, you're perfect, man. Here's a big joke book. I love it. Patrizio, goodie, he has. He gets him glasses. That was a bad toss. That was my fault. The rare bad toss from Tony Hinchcliffe. There goes Patrizio, goodie, he has. Hey, y'all, taking control of mental health can feel overwhelming. But talk space makes prioritizing well-being simple and accessible. Is the number one rated online therapy platform. Talk space connects you with licensed therapists and psychiatrists anytime, anywhere. Just like physical fitness requires regular exercise. Mental health demands ongoing care. I know how easy it is to put self-care on the back burner. But taking this step makes a massive difference. Better mental health. directly supports physical vitality, builds self-awareness and improves daily stress management. You know who needs help with all those things? - Red ban. - Talkspace therapists provide practical tools to help manage life's challenges and build confidence and master the communication skills needed for stronger and more meaningful relationships. I love how it seamlessly, my busy schedule, I can schedule it right away. They're very flexible and affordable with more insured members paying as little as $0 copay. Start building a stronger healthier mind today by using talkspace.com. - That's right, and as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code space80. That's SPAC80 to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com and enter promo code space80. - A Talkspace therapist will be in your corner for whatever it comes up. To talk through your hard relationships, share your pride and big accomplishments, and be a place for you to vent, day or night. When you make space for a therapist who just gets you, life just gets brighter. Talkspace therapists are all licensed with an average of 10 years of experience. Talkspace is covered by most insurance plans and maybe no cost to you. Go to Talkspace.com to get started. - You know what, let's do something a little fun here. Before I get to this next bucket bowl, I have a golden ticket winner right behind that curtain. I've warned you guys, tonight is an action packed show. And we're gonna get a quick set and a short interview. From one of my favorite golden ticket winners ever, this guy, dark, dark sense of humor, super professional, a guy who I just, I love 'em. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you up 'em too. It's the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. (audience cheering) - I can't believe how many foster children are out there. And to be honest, I think Mr and Mrs Foster need to quit fucking. (audience laughing) Talking of a wanted children, you can get rid of babies without using exercise resistance buttons. (audience laughing) You can't believe it or not, leave them. No questions asked on the doorstep of any firehouse sub sandwich shop. (audience laughing) You know, people think I don't like children making jokes like that, but I'm thankful children are around. Who else would mind the cobble for our batteries? (audience laughing) Thank you. (audience laughing) I'm getting old now, I'm 61, and I think back to, I think back to certain years when events change how you think about life, and I remember play with my favourite toys. And it dawned on me suddenly, you're too old to be doing that now. So you round your toys up, bundle them in the car, and take them to the back of a good Willand, set those ladies free. (audience laughing) I'm gonna leave you with this. (audience laughing) This weekend marks 25 years. Since the most heinous act was perpetrated on mankind, silverside up by Nickelback was released. (audience laughing) Fortunately, the Twin Towers came down that week, and gave us a welcome distraction. (audience laughing) Sir Winston Pickles. (audience cheering) So dark, this humor is so dark he has to do white face. You gotta love it. (audience laughing) You are something else, Sir Winston Pickles. I love your style. How's life going, good? You've been a good week for me. I have chronic depression, and now I've got the, thank you. I have chronic depression. And apparently now I can strangle babies with no way. That is true. That is true, you'll get a miss trial. Oh. Look how there she be. It's a little, so clown horn you got there red band, that's adorable. Yes, it is true, Sir Winston Pickles. How's life been treating you? Good, you've been working hard. Working hard, Tony, as always. I love it, absolutely. Trying to post every day on my Instagram account. Keep that going. Yes, absolutely. Check me out, Sir Winston Pickles. There he is, Sir Winston Pickles. Guys, do you have any questions or comments? Sir Winston Pickles? I love you, Winston Pickles, but no offense. I feel like you're stealing some of John Wayne Gacy's jokes. (laughing) I saw that too. Now look, we all love a good, murdering a child joke, okay? But why do you text on Nickelback? They're helpless. (audience laughing) I did notice you got a-- Did you pick on somebody who could defend themselves? Like a small bead. There we go. Sir Winston, we love you. Another great dark set from the great. Sir Winston Pickles. Thanks for helping me, Tony. Absolutely, always a pleasure, Sir Winston. Great stuff. Men in a half of some real, real darkness there. And the show keeps moving on. Was he like, "Colt play the classy Nickelback?" Sir Winston, what did he give you guys? What is that? Is that a bumper sticker? Oh, caution, baby, and shrunk. That's amazing. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi working hard tonight? All right. I know your next bucket pool, everybody. This is a former comedy store door guy. Put, make some noise for Tray Stewart, everybody. Oh, wow. Yeah, I dedicated this set to Lindsey Clancy. Do we got any Lindsey Clancy supporters? Good. Fuck that bitch. Right, no, it's wow, man. You know, I haven't seen this many white women rally behind a murderer since Hillary Clinton. That's bitch. It is wow, man. Immediately when I heard that, I knew she was white, right? The crime. This is some crimes where you hear you know the race, right? Like if somebody, you know, robbed a liquor store, black guy. Somebody breaks into your house, starts doing math, Asian. He murders the three kids. That's white woman all day. That's white, man. And this is what liberals get for legalizing later portions. But to be clear, I am pro choice. I believe in women's right to choose whether or not they're going to hell. Because they're going straight to hell, that's my time. Trace Stewart with exactly a minute. A real professional. Warmer comedy store door guy, welcome trade. How are you? Good, good, good. You live in Austin now, right? Yes. How long have you lived here? A little over a year. OK, how's it going for you, good? Pretty good. He's out here murdering trans people. You have to. Really, you've been doing that? Legally you have to. No, I'm not. Oh, yeah. I know it's been going great. Well, I'm having a good time trying to date. It's tough dating here. Tell me about it. Well, it's just a lot of white women. Normally, that's a perk for your people. Are they not? That's true there. Are they not big bootied enough for you? No, they are, but I'm trying to quit. The ozempics really fucking up my homies game, am I right? The ozempic be trifling instead of truffling. They used to be truffling. Now they're trifling out on these streets. All these white women be losing their ass. They are. Is that where you were getting to that? It's an epidemic, man. All these flat ass white women. It's a get there to get the guy. Man, go eat some fucking cornbread. That's right. Put some butter. Yeah, I'm trying to actually move away from white women. I'm a recovering white woman. I'm trying to get back on God's path. That's right. White men. Tony, I'll fuck you if that's what you're saying. Trey, you're about to win a golden ticket. You keep acting like this. All right. Trey, what else is going on in life? What do you do for fun? What are you into? You seem like the kind of guy that likes a finger skateboard or something like that. Is that like finger on a girl or what are you talking about? No. It's white people, shit. I can't ignore it. Just keep. Tell us what you do for fun. You know what's funny? I see we have the mystery boys here. One of my favorite things is actually I like to like fall down like just deep YouTube rabbit holes. You know? Yeah. Like what? Like I. Like I saw a video that said the truth behind the magic school bus. Ooh. Part five is five. Wow. What was the truth behind it? Well, it was four hours, but we don't have that much time. So I'll just get to it. Oh! This. You know. That's what he sounds like. Amazing. Kurt Metzker. Well, a lot of people know that Trey is actually a mystery boys junior achiever. He's in our program after school. Oh, wow. -You know, pain realized history was spelled with a Z. -And boys. -It is what trash shows up. -It's the cool. -I think they're like Zesty. -I love it. I didn't appreciate the Hillary Chit Clinton jokes. That woman did a lot. Come on. -You're right. I'm sorry. -That was a good one. That was a good one. Fourth Lindsey Clancy reference to the night, but yours really hit at home, I think. -Oh, like, you wouldn't fuck her, dude. -I would fuck the shit out of her. Nothing I know that, you know, she has no kids. I don't fuck with mine. -Yeah. But. -Oh, yeah. -You're creating a market now. -But from what I heard, she likes sending the men out to run some errands, so not my kind of lady. -That's true. -How about you run the errands, I strangled the children. -You know. -Show's so stupid. I can't believe this show is successful. It's unbelievable. -You know what's interesting about the Lindsey? You know, she said that she heard a man's voice telling her to murder her kids, so she's really just being obedient. -Wow. -I know what? These white women might not be that bad after all. -How about a round of applause for being obedient? -Oh, obedient woman. -Absolutely. -All right, sure. Great stuff, Red Band. -True, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. -Oh, yeah. -That's sir. Here's a big joke, fuck my friend. [ Cheers and applause ] -The next one we go, ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ] -You know, I'm always in the mood for meat in my mouth. Tonight's sponsor is Maryweather Farms' natural beef sticks. -I love beef sticks. -Of course you do, Red Band. You look like your blood type is gas station Teriyaki. -Man, these aren't gas station beef sticks. They're made with real American beef raised without antibiotics or added hormones. -Mm, that's right. Real American beef. Not some imported mystery, too, made from refined circus animals in the floor of a bus station. They're savory packed with nine grams of protein and easy to take anywhere. I have some in my pants right now. -Lord knows you do. Work the gym, your truck, or Brian's bedroom, where every snack becomes a cry for help. -Man, they taste incredible. -No doubt about it. And unlike most things, Brian puts in his mouth, you can proudly tell your family about these. So go to MaryweatherFarms.com right now and use code word Killtony to get 20% off your first order of beef sticks. -That's M-E-R-I-W-E-T-H-E-R-Farms.com. -Wow, you spelled very well, Red Band. Maryweather Farms' natural beef sticks, real American beef, bold flavor, and enough protein to help you survive another open mic, or one conversation with Red Band. -Oh, gosh. You know, I'm ordering some right now, Tony. -That'll help you. -Great. Maybe chewing will finally keep you quiet. -Oh, man, that's MaryweatherFarms.com and code Killtony for 20% off your first order. -Hmm, hmm. -How fun. This looks like a new name makes the noise for Zane Anas. -Everybody, Zane Anas. -Oh, man. [ Cheers and applause ] -I, well, twist my cock and throw it across the block. Hey, Trevor, how you been? Why people say the funniest shit when they haven't seen each other in a while? Anyone else grow up with a funny name? Well, I did. So, my first name is spelled A-N-A-S. So, growing up in school and teacher did roll call. She'd say, "Ainus." "Ainus" here. [ Laughter ] And just to fuck with her, I'd say, "They call me "Ainus" because I wrecked them. [ Laughter ] So, thank you. So, I just arrived in Texas. I went to this, my new favorite store, H-E-B. And, yeah, fuck yeah, guys. And I could not find a parking spot. This place was packed. So, I'm sitting there circling the block trying to find a spot. And I come up with an idea. I come up with an idea. And it's an app like Uber, but instead of a driver coming to pick you up, a disabled person is delivered to you. That way, you can park in a handy cab spot. I think we get it. We see where you're going there. There it is, the full set of Zane Anos. Welcome, Zane, how are you? Anus, you can call me Anus. No, it's all right. It's Anos. We'll call it Anos. What do you Greek? I'm a Syrian. Ooh, how long have you been in America? You look like you just got here today. [ Laughter ] I was actually born in Texas. Oh, wow, okay. All right, I'm sorry. Indeed, does not like Syrians. He's going to step out for a bit. He's very big on world peace. So he doesn't believe that you were born here. He's blind, so he has extra senses. So he knows when somebody's lying. So Zane, amazing. How did your Syrian parents end up in Texas of all places? Um, man, so long. Think of a lie real quick. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Tony. Long story short, my father came here back in the '70s. He got married to a flight attendant. And then he went back to my country. That's how my dad got here. Then he went back to my country, and he met my mother. Amazing. He brought her here. Amazing. You know what? Normally, I wouldn't believe you, but you called me Mr. Tony. And everybody knows that I love that. I love being called Mr. Tony. It's only three people that call me Mr. Tony. My cleaning lady, my cleaning lady. And you. Red Ben's laughing because he knows it's true. We have the same cleaning lady. And I car by her first. Mr. Red Ben. Mr. Red Ben, you're underwear, very dirty. Let's check in with my steam panel here. Tony wants them. All right, let's check in with my panel. Red Duncan. Hey, is your first name, Anus? Xanus. Yeah, I go by Xanus, my middle name, but my first legal name is Xanus. So I'm just, I have a weird name, Duncan. That's a weird name. But, if you ever asked your parents, why they named you Anus? Yeah, they tell me in my language. It's like-- Red Ben. Red Ben is the-- Come on. Red Ben is the serious, so red Ben. Fucking disrespectful. So disrespectful. Apologize to Anus. Red Ben. The serious part of the show. Why did they name you that? What does that mean in Syrian? Does it mean something better than it does in Syria? It tells me in Arabic that it means friendly, generous, happy. How long did they live in America? Before having you. Fuck, that's a good question. I don't know. Wow. I don't know. Since this-- My pops came here in the '70s. Okay. He went to Woodstock. Yeah, okay. But when they had you, they knew what Anus meant in English. My mother didn't have no English. Oh, no. Oh, I see. So I grew up at home speaking. Got it. Oh, man. So English is my second-- Enduretate School. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing. I thought you did great, Anus. Well, I would like to add, because I was nervous just for this Jew over here, because I thought you were Persian. And I want a relief to find out he was not Iranian. Our old enemy that we're fighting on behalf of your good people, sir. No, Syria, I think we just installed ISIS as your president over there. So you're welcome, first of all. Same. Man, embarrassingly right now, I'm just working in my car and sleeping in as well. You're working in your car. Please. Okay. Kurt, here we go. What are you doing for work in your car? Just Uber. Oh, got it. Yep. Very Syrian of you. And you're sleeping in the same vehicle? Yes. I drove 30 hours here from the West Coast. Okay. Where do you live? You live on the West Coast? Yes, sir. Where? Very close to the store where you started. Hollywood. You go there. Do you sign up for their open mics and whatnot? I honestly have never tried stand-up in LA. But you live there. I live there. You drove all the way here. Yes, sir. Just to start stand-up. Several weeks ago. I've been here signing up every day. Got it. What kind of car are you? What kind of car do you have? Um, it's a Chevy. Chevy what? Equinox. Got it. Um, where do you park when sleeping in your car? It's a question I always like to ask people. I've famously slept in my car 19 years ago behind the comedy store. You can't even do that anymore. It's blocked off. Yes, sir. Yeah. So, you know, that was safe for me. I worked there. I knew everybody there. I could shower there. I could wash my clothes there. It's very tough to live in your car. How do you do it? What are your tricks? I find it to be an intriguing thing to know that you can survive. So, I found out. I think so. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I found out for anyone else that's doing Uber. There's a surge. at 4 a.m. by Birx Storm International Airport. Yes, Birx Storm, yeah, that's fine. And go ahead. 4 a.m. there's a search, so I get up at like 350, and there's a charger right by the airport. So I charge my car up, juice that sheet up, and start working. Okay, very good, Duncan Trussel. Hey, I, you know, I know you probably wanted to say this, but I've got some good news for you. Tony is going to get you a week at the four seasons hotel, here in Oz. Oh, so boned. Come on. [APPLAUSE] No. What? What is it? What is the police gentleman? Good person. He's a good person. [APPLAUSE] Definitely not. Can I say something, Mr. Tony? Yes, sir. I don't want you all to feel bad for me, because my car, like, I can turn on the camp mode, and I just keep the AC running all night. And I turn on the 432 frequency, so I don't hear the crackheads outside. Amazing. Wait, wait till you stay at the four seasons. [LAUGHTER] You're going to love it. I mean, but if you sleep in your car, like people aren't going to go in your car, like, as an Uber, does it smell like anus in there, or like-- I mean, like cyber taxis are going to take your job because of this. Cyber taxis are coming for everybody's jobs. It is amazing. It's got a little hack, so I bought an essential oil diffuser for the car. Wow. So my car smells like ukelyptis. Ukelyptis? Go eat. That's all I love. It's all my favorite smells, and I have a lot of favorite smells. Latter, sandalwood. There is no smell. I love more than ukelyptis. It is my absolute favorite. I have it hanging in my shower right now. I buy the actual ukelyptis from the ukelyptis store, and I hang fresh. I get it fresh every few weeks. The lady that calls me Mr. Tony brings it to me. She knows I like a fresh rotation of ukelyptis. When you hear that noise, you know that I said ukelyptis. It's a jungle bird. All right. Anas, anas, anas. All right. So what made you-- is this your first time doing a stand-up? I'm confused. Are you been doing open mics in Austin? Yes, sir. Austin and Houston. And I do a lot of shit in my-- like when I'm working. You love your car. You're in your car all the time. I make-- you have an oil diffuser. You work in your car. You're sure you're not Persian? I'm not Persian. I'm still-- Let me ask you this, because I didn't really get an answer to this. You went straight into how you work in your car. But tell me and the people. The world wants to know. Tell us about-- how do you shower living in a car? Yeah, I found out there's a cool gym called Crunch Fitness for $9.99 a month. You can go-- it's open actually 24 hours, because I found a 24 hour, but it's not open 24 hours. Interesting. Yeah. So I found Crunch Fitness, and I just go shower there. Amazing. Amazing. You got it all figured out. There it is, Zayn Anas, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Mr. Tony. Yes. I hate to-- I hate to ask for anything, but I actually don't rap, but I made a rap just for your show. Oh, Jesus, really? [LAUGHTER] It's only four bars. OK, let's hear the four bars. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. You want to beat? You want a little beat? I don't need none. Oh, OK. All right. All right. All right, go. It's too many, hate it, so I keep it shield. Red band looking like he ate a happy meal. And she just came along for the Weedham Pears. Mama, I'm on cue, Tony. Gotta keep it real. All right. Hey. You do look like you just say to happy now. Yeah, mom and John. Here's a medium joke book, Zayn. There you go, buddy. There you go. I was actually nice, and from Zayn, I was eating a smaller meal. That is a small meal for you. He didn't say how many happy meals you ate. Oh, it is single. He said, A happy meal, but you could have eaten more. Could have been another happy meal. I bet he's that deep. He is so deep. All right, we're going to keep him moving here. This guy has a pretty good handwriting. Normally, that's a sign of a decent comedian. Let's see if the tradition stays strong here. Make some noise for Tim Riker and everybody. Tim Riker. Tell you a bit about myself, folks. Actually, my wife told me this the other day. She said, you know, you're the kind of dick that inspires people to put the word weed afterwards. You're a dick weed. The thing that I just told you about myself is that I'm married to that kind. It's all right. I only do that joke because she's in the room. And it's her favorite because she wrote it. Actually, she wrote this set up. I wrote the punchline. It's a team effort. Marriage is a team sport. It's a team-- one of my uncles on my wedding day, he told me, he said, Tim, you know, the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the good things in your life with someone else, which is kind of obvious. But I've discovered that the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the bad things in life with someone else. So it cuts all your bad shit in half, right? It's like, I'm not in debt. We're in debt. I'm not getting evicted. We're getting evicted. I don't have Climidia. We're getting a divorce. So you know, you share the good. You share the bad. Tim Reichert, very good set. Welcome, Tim. Thank you. Tim, how long have you been on stand-up? That was actually my first stand-up comedy set. Really? Sorry, I wasn't done. I wasn't done in 15 years. Wow, you took a 15-year break? It was a 15-year break, yeah. How long were you doing it for before the break? 20 years. 20 years. Where at? I started in 1990. Where? Toronto. OK. You were doing it for 15 years in Toronto? Yeah, well in Toronto and Vancouver. OK, you're a full-blown Canadian. Full-blown Canadian. What made you restart to howl to you? I'm 60 years old. Oh, you look great for 60. Thank you. Amazing. What made you want to restart stand-up comedy here today in Austin, Texas? Well, you know, I missed it. I missed, you know, the love. I missed-- I missed all that. But now I was really inspired by the Austin comedy scene. I was just kind of-- I wanted to come down just to see it. And then I was like, well, let's do some sets while you're down there. And I flew in on the red eye last night. I was not expecting my first-- I would not have done this to you. I would not have done my first set after 15 years on the show. Great. It went great. I thought I'd sign up. And I pulled. I couldn't believe it. It was fantastic. Fantastic. So let's talk about it. I love having older people on this show because during this interview part, they normally have a wealth of history and information and knowledge. What do you need to know? Anything interesting about your 60 years of light? Tell us some fun facts about Tim Reichert. Fun facts about Tim Reichert. I mean, you know, this is a part of the show where I try to find out what makes people different, what makes them tick, what are their passions, what are they? Anything crazy? Have I ever have a near death experience? Have I ever saved anybody's life? Have you ever bingo skateboarded? Available at killmurch.com, by the way. You know, the other big things in my life are surfing and poker and philosophy. Ooh. Interesting. What about philosophy? What's the most interesting thing about philosophy that you've learned? What's the most interesting thing about philosophy? Well, what department of philosophy? Like, there's a-- You can pick it, my friend. I can pick it. Yeah. Free will doesn't exist. Tell us about it. No, I just said that 'cause Kurt's here. He doesn't like that. Is philosophy that kind of sandwich that Tim-- like the last guy's people make? I like that. I like the nice philosophy sandwich. Like on a flatbread. Ah, Tim Reichert. So you have any kids? No kids. No kids. How do you manage that? Well, my wife and I don't have any kids because we're pro-life. Uh-huh. You have to decide at some point. Do you want kids or do you want a life? I love it. We chose life. I love it. And you mostly spend that on poker and surfing your life, huh? Yes. What do you do for a living? I don't-- well, I did stand up and then for 15 years. So what I did over the last 15 years, I produced a documentary film about a group of sports gamblers. Oh, yeah. What's the-- what's the-- It's called "Low Baggers." And it was about a group of-- actually, in Texas, in San Antonio, Texas, there's a YouTube channel called "PubSports Radio." And when they do sports betting content, and it's about these bunch of guys who met on that channel, and they all come to San Antonio every year to do like a big gathering. And they met and their friends, and they love each other. And it was such like a cool story. I decided to do a documentary about it. And I made a documentary about it. Interesting. You still married your wife? I'm still married to my wife. And you're still banging every Sunday. How long? The community in a way. [CHEERING] Oh, he's back. Winnie here is about two straight-- Winnie here is about heterosexual sex. He appears out of nowhere. Amazing. Famous. This is a day my wife and I have a date in my bed. And how do you keep things fresh on Sundays? What do you do? Do you have any special Canadian moves in the bedroom? Do you have the old maple tree or the old-- the old early euthanization, perhaps? Any of the special Canadian tricks, they'll kill yourself because of the sad day. Go to Tim Hortons again as this is a suicide. That's right. I think not keeping it fresh is the secret. We both know what each other likes. Oh, and we just go at it. Can I ask you what that is? Is it like a porno? Do you-- So we do this. You do that. You go straight to that. You just go for the old dry-- Right in her poutine. You know, our nickname-- There we go. You just go straight for it. Just straight missionary, absolute start there. It's boring, but it's exactly what we both want. And we get it every Sunday. And it's missionary, or is it's called Canadian doggy style, or whatever. It's very exciting if you're Canadian. Very exciting. They don't have reverse cowgirl or any of that wacky shit. You don't have any-- Little maple syrup. You're right. OK, Tim, anything else crazy about your life we should know before letting you go? Because I always find 60-year-olds normally have like this like, wow, once I had to beat the shit out of a shark when I was surfing or something like that. Where do you surf, by the way? Toronto, Tofino, Canada. It's on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Nice. And we moved there for surfing. That's actually one of the reasons I got out of standup comedy, because there's no comedy on the island. So cold water. Very cold water. But there's wet suit technology. Ah. OK. Works very well. You stay nice and warm. Oh, yeah. Absolutely awesome. Yeah. All right. All right, Tim. Well, congratulations, fun set. Here's a big joke book, buddy. Big joke. Congratulations. Tim Reichard, everybody. Hey, thank you for welcome back. All right. We're moving strong and steady here. We're going to get one of our great regulars up here, everybody. This guy has to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Not easy. A dreadful job, but he makes it look easy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrict playing, everybody. Here he is. What's up, y'all, dark storm. Dark storm got a problem. My nephew just got suspended from school for selling vapins because you know that you've like to like, they like to breathe in vanilla coke and orange soda and shit like that. They can't, they want their AI cigarettes. I like acoustic cigarettes more than their electric cigarettes. But he got caught selling them and then his dad came and picked them up. And he was like, where are you getting the vapins from? And he said, don't lie to me, like lie to your mama because like they separated. So like she don't count. He said, you tell me the truth. Didn't his nigga go say, oh, I've been getting them from Uncle Dedrig. He shipped them to me. And then we split the profits, right? And just so he could call me mad as hell. He's like, I said, first of all, you're not mad at me. You mad you raised a snitch. All right, you mad you raised a snitch. I told you to stop giving that nigga a homie milk. All right. If you didn't get that nigga a whole milk, he would have been doing a whole milk grind. What is this world coming to? Why is it so upway selling nachos? Nigga, that is not your way. Your way is the sum. Who made that decision to same nigga the higher Jared? I've been eating a lot of magnesium. So I could be hard. Because it's like, I want to be prepared for the day where it do walk, but he don't honor the one star thing. And he can't beat next to you. And you know I was a man that said challenge. So I want to piss harder than this nigga. You know what I'm saying? So I'd be harder fucking the magnesium. It should be splashing on me and then getting on him. He got to run away because that nigga lost. But I didn't realize the consequences. Because now I come to a heart like-- like I could press watch the sidewalk. You know what I'm saying from the PSI. And I came in my girlfriend or IUD shot out. And then it hit me in the eye. And then she just missed her periods. So we'll see. Talk to her mouth. That's right, plan. [APPLAUSE] And it always learns something new watching your sets is some way really selling nachos now? Yeah. Really? Yeah. And it looks like shit on the commercial. Oh my god. That is point of-- I don't know how you make bad nachos. Like even like the nachos, like when you pour it, you just got like the chips. And then you got like a little bit of whatever and cheese and you put jalapenos. That looks fucking great. But whatever, whoever shot this commercial was just trying to piss us off, Tony. It's trying to piss us off. What the fuck is that? I know when your teeth stay clenched, you're mad. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's that ain't you know. Duncan, trust me. I'm so sorry. Oh, you're great. I have to go take a shit. Really? I got your room at the fourth season. If you want to-- [APPLAUSE] We're on the rooms for everyone at the fourth season. [APPLAUSE] I love it. Why don't you dress like black Israel lights? That's the lake. [LAUGHTER] They really are tonight. Do you ever see them here? They're here. Yeah, they're incredible. Yeah, there's a good one. What do I do when they go up there? I go free Palestine, you fucking Jew pricks. Yeah. That's what I say to them. I like his race. Wow. Wow, I'm just shocked at some ways. So how long has some way been selling nachos? It's been 10 days, Tony. It's just the incident. Oh, my goodness. It's been 10 days, war on my mind, Tony. Have you tried them? Have you seen them in person or just on the commercial? Tony, I got stuff to do later. I can't have no subway nachos on my stomach. But what if I ate them today? Did I just-- that's probably what that nigga ate? And that's why he had to leave. I do love Dunkin' Trust him. But he got a do-do tussle coming on. Wow. Come on. Dark storm. Dunkin' had subway nachos earlier, by the way. Yeah. Dark storm knows all things. Dark storm. They also have subway pizza, which is even worse than-- No, they don't. Yeah, they do. It's discussed. No way. How are they doing? Yeah. That's not gonna be visa fucking pizza nachos. Yeah. Oh, my. When you're subway, you have to do something when you're fighting. It's like Jersey, Mike's, and shit like that. Yeah. It's tough competition out there. Under cloud, I meant to say. Whoa. There you go. Our senior sandwich correspondent, Brian Redban. Oh, yeah. He is big sis. He's like an autistic guy. Jimmy John's. Under cloud. [HUMMING] [HUMMING] [HUMMING] It's like the auctioneer. [HUMMING] [HUMMING] There he is. [LAUGHTER] Deadrick always fun. There he goes. The dark storm. Deadrick. [APPLAUSE] We're just gonna give him a move in a long here. Well, Dunkin'. Is he really shitting? He might be. I don't know. It's pretty wild. Here we are. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? She'll be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas, and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. All those dates coming up fast. Very exciting. This is the only Killtony Road dates this year. So catch one. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Ryan, everybody, right out of the bucket. Let's see what happens. Mike Ryan. A little bit about me. I am officially down 100 pounds, so that's pretty cool. Thank you. Thank you. It actually wasn't that difficult. I just had to change little things, but every day, right? So like today, I did go to McDonald's, but instead of getting a double-quarter pound of cheese, like a normally wood, I ate a kids meal. His parents were fucking pissed. I know why they're so mad. I gave him the toy, right? He's a girl's toy anyway. Let's get right into it, Lindsey Clancy. I just found out about that on Friday. I got into an argument at work. And white women on TikTok are losing their fucking minds over this shit. I've heard of late-stage abortions, but the 17th trimester is a little much, isn't it? And she was like, you don't understand. You don't understand. You don't understand what's like to be a woman with post-partum depression. I said, you're right, I don't. And I really felt for it. I was like, why don't you explain it to me? Why don't you explain it to me like I'm five years old? And she fucking strangled me. [LAUGHTER] Thank you, guys. My grind. [APPLAUSE] The great Duncan Trustle is back. Mike, that was fun. You've been on this show before? Yeah, three times. Nice. Welcome back. Great shirt. Thank you. Where do you get where do you get a shirt like that a team who? -Wow! Oh my god, I love that. -I love that. -Demo. -Yeah, there's great stuff. I got my drummer off, Temo. I don't know if you know that. [ Laughter ] Have you just been waiting for me to make fun of? How many weeks in a row of you had that thing? Two weeks? [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. I don't know, Meg, did you get that? Did you get that -- Mike, Mike, do it one more time. [ Laughter ] Absolutely incredible. It's almost like we coordinated that. It's like, I'm going to do a T-Moo. Have your wacky thing ready. All right. Let's talk about it. Mike, how's life been lately? What's going on in your world? -I just opened up a comedy club. -Nice. Here in Austin? -No, it's in Houston, Texas. -Oh, okay. Crazy. We're going to be in Houston on October 17th, doing a massive giant theater. -Sugarland, right? -Yeah. The Financial Center, Sugarland Financial Center. How many seats does your club hold? -150. We actually have Pat O'Neill coming October 2nd and 3rd. -Oh, awesome. -Sold out four shows. -Yeah, no, he's a fucking theater right now. He's literally the top of the industry right now. Nobody's doing it as big as him. So what's it been like? How long has your club been open for? -We open August 8th, so we've been open a few weeks. It's called the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club, so-- -Oh, wow. -Is that worked out? -Now, I see. I get it. I get it. How many different shirts Pink Flamingo shirts did you get off, T-Moo? -I have 34. -Really? -And every time I go to my mom's house, there's two more waiting on me, so. -Wow. She's the one buying them for you? -Yeah. -Oh, that's adorable. -So, the last time I was on, I was wearing a shirt with the Pink Flamingo on it. You said it looked like a tissue box or something like that. -Cleanx. -So that's what it was, yeah. -Pacific as, be cleanx. They have wacky, but the designs on their boxes. -So, when I was trying to think of a name, I really wanted to do like an animal in a color, and stuff, and I was looking at that shirt, and I was like, okay, it's the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club, so. -Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's how the magic happens. So, what have you learned owning your own comedy club that maybe you could teach somebody out there that is owning a struggling comedy club right now? Perhaps you could share some information. -I wish I could have warned you not to do that shit, dude. -You said it was a great idea. What do you-- no, I just really didn't. I got high ceilings. It was a theater, so. -It really is high ceilings? -Well, it was built in 1908 as a silent movie theater, and then it was a "Speak Easy" during "Probition." So, it has a balcony, and so, I mean, there's high ceilings, but there's seating, you know, three levels, so. -Okay. All right. Mike, what's your love life like right now? You seem like the kind of guy that absolutely masturbates into a paper towel. [ Laughter ] -You really clocked that one, too. -Yeah. -It's insane, dude. -Thank you. -Who have you been talking to? -Thank you. I've just-- I just talked to a lot of people. On the show, I learned a lot. Am I correct? Do you actually use paper towels as your clean up devices? -Yeah, clean up. -Now, beat what a beach towel? Let me get some pink flamingo shirt. -If there's one laying around, yeah. -Right. -Do you have a girlfriend? You have a fuck buddy? What's going on, Mike? -No, I've just been like focusing on being successful, and usually when I'm dating, that's not a thing, so. -Interesting. -Yeah. -Interesting. Why do you think you can't do both? Are the women in your life kind of needy? Did they not want you to chase your dreams? Is this something that you've noticed from people of the opposite? -Yeah, I was married, so yeah, that was a thing. -Whoa! How long were you married for? -Like, eight months, huh? -Eight months. Wow. Amazing. -We should stuck it out. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Tell us about that. So, how long were you dating before? -A couple years, yeah. -Okay. And then you got married, and then what happened as soon as you got married? Take us through it. There might be someone out there that's just about to pop the question and somebody that they don't really like that much. [ Laughter ] -We talked about this the first time I was on, but my best man got murdered on my wedding day, so. -Oh! [ Laughter ] -Wow. -We talked about this? -Yeah. -Can we talk about it again? Is that all right? I mean, your voice cracked a little bit when you said it, but I -- -Yeah, I mean -- -All right. -You're talking about my life, whatever. -That's okay. So, how did he get murdered again? -He got shot by some like rappers. -He got shot. This was a true Houston wedding. -Amazing. -He actually -- He got shot two days before, and then I went to see him at the hospital, and they said he was going to be fine, so we went forward with the wedding. Got a call like two hours before. -Before the wedding? -Yeah. -Doesn't the hospital have any fucking chill whatsoever? -It was like a friend of mine that called to tell me. -Wow. -Yeah. -Okay. So, that should have been a sign that the marriage wasn't going to go that well. -I mean -- -Yeah. -My mom had already paid the caterer, so -- -Got it. That's all that matters. In Houston, they have a saying, "Once you pay the caterer, the wedding must go on." -Actually, so one of the things that helped me get through that was the show midnight gospel. -Thank you. -Thank you. -Episode with your mom. -Thanks. Sorry about your friend. -Thank you. -Wow. -Sorry, this asshole played a fucking air horn twice. [ Laughter and applause ] -All right. -Some Mike, how did you know when -- to give us an example of how you knew that the marriage was over? You guys were married for eight months. -I came home from work and she said, "I want a divorce." -Wow. -That's a sign. -Yeah. -It's a very clear sign. Did she give you a specific reason why? -Not really. I was kind of like emotionally dead for the whole marriage because of -- -Your friend. -The murder. -Right. Your friend being murdered. -She sounds awesome, yeah. -But afterwards is when I started doing comedy, so. -That's great. -Did she kill the guy? -If she did, that would be R-I-T-T-A-R-D. -Micorhion. Fun times, bud. Here's another big joke, but I'm sure you already have one, but there's another one. There he goes. We're keeping it moving here. Get another one out of this bucket, huh? Looks like a new name makes some noise for you. "Prinny Martinez." "Prinny Martinez." There we go. -My day starts when I walk into the barber shop, and I notice all the barbers are wearing gloves these days. Well, I think there should be gloves specifically for the blacks, and it's going to be sponsored by Magnum. I also notice that barbershops and whorehouses are very, very similar. Like, you go in, you try to find a person with the most experience, because you need to get in and out as fast as possible. Because you got a wife and two kids waiting for you at home. I think I know exactly what all the black guys were thinking when they went home with Domer that night. I guarantee you they thought they were about to put a hundred years of slavery on that ass. Like Terry Cruz did that white boy on white chicks. He's going to need a wheelchair. Little did they know, Domer was a real eater. I also have a theory on why I think Domer went after the blacks, and it started when he came to Texas. I visited our local bookies, where he got that foot long San Chica on a stick, picked it up, and said, if this was just charred. Trini Martinez. Let me just start by saying, Trini, I love your style, pal. I love it. Not a lot of laughter, but man, you are shooting your shots. You are taken wild chances out here. I practice all the time with my clients. You're at the barbershop. Yes, sir. Oh, my goodness. Oh, you're saying while I'm doing the haircut, so the laugh. I love it. Amazing. What part of San Antonio are you from? Of course you. Houston, Houston. Houston. One of my favorite parts of San Antonio. You're born and raised in Houston? Yes, sir. Amazing. Do you know Mike Ryan? Do you know about the Pink Flamingo Comedy Club? I do not, but I've been trying to get into the comedy scene out there. Don't tell comedy or things like that. Yeah, we know about that. So Trini, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I actually started at the beginning of this year at the Moody Center. I was one of the sign-ups there. And the Asian lady licks to me had got the Golden Ticket. Yeah, that makes sense. We remember that. Young. Young got the Golden Ticket with her famous Asian Trump impression. That was closed. Have you done stand-up since then? This is actually my first time. Wow, incredible. Trini, amazing. Most people start and warm up before talking about Black Guys, Barbershops, Hore Houses, and Jeffrey Dahmer. And then back to Black Guys again. I actually practice these jokes in Baton Rouge during a Barber competition. And I didn't get no laughs. Everybody's concentrating on the event. Barber competitions be like that. [BLANK_AUDIO] that many barber competitions out on the streets. -Wait, was it a barber comedian competition or a-- -Oh, trust me, everybody was taking a series, and I'm the one that was trying to crack jokes for a minute practicing for this particular set. -Wow. -Wait, what is your set at home? Dongo Blasters or something? -Oh, shit. No, man, I'm just a barber, a row barber life all the way. -Okay. - Besides this, you know, my hands are getting bad, my eyesight's going, so I need to figure out something else to do. -Can't give a guy the answer. -I've looked like the man is in a little-- a few years. -All right, when you say your hands are going bad, what exactly is going on with your hands? -Authritis, masturbating too much, things like that. -You have arthritis? -It's getting there. Sorry, I heard-- -Carpal tunnel. -Carpal tunnel. -Have you ever tried getting some eucalyptus, and perhaps rubbing it into your hands? Have you tried this? -Muscle rub. Muscle rub, that's about it. -Muscle rub? -Yeah, and then-- -Hi, your mom. -Everything. -Everything you've tried at all. -But the arthritis is kicking in. How old are you, exactly? -I'm 31. -31-years-old, full-blown arthritis. -Losing his eyesight. -This is absolutely incredible. Why do you think your body is failing you, Trini Martinez? -The world wants to know. -Have you been eating the nachos from Subway, my friend? -I'm gonna get to go from a DQ, DQ. -Oh, Dairy Queen. Let's check in with our senior Dairy Queen correspondent, Carpmetz. -Thank you, Mr. Tony. -I'm gonna tell you, your affliction happens to tattoo people a lot. -Huh? -Right. And jewelers, people have got to make the little-- I would just be apprentice to a jeweler, and he was all fucked up at 31, where the arthritis-- 'cause you got to sit there. You're cutting them Edgar's exactly the way they like it, right? -Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got plenty of them. -Tell us about the-- -You know the Edgar's? -Yes, of course, of course. -Is that Mexican haircut where they look like mow from the three fucking stitches? -Yeah, what's called Edgar? -Yeah. -I try to convince every single one of them to change. -How long you been cutting hair for training, Martinez? -Uh, I got licensed, 2018. -2018, so it's been a long time. Long time in Houston, a lot of Latinos. By the looks of your tattoos, I'm guessing you have some black clients, as well. Am I correct? -Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah. -And I practice these jokes with them, and whenever they make-- They laugh, I'm like, "All right, I'm good." -Right, absolutely. That's how you know. That's how you know it's good, is when they laugh in the barber chair to the man that has scissors next to their head. -With the incomplete haircut, you know. -Absolutely. -You better laugh, man. -Absolutely. -So, training, let me ask you this. Anything dangerous ever happened in your barber shop? I watch a lot of these videos. My entire Twitter feed, some people ask me, "Tony, what is your algorithm?" My algorithm is fucking people getting in fights, people getting shot. And I find that a lot of these things happen in a barber shop. I actually watch one video the other day, where a guy, the barber lifted up the black guy's hairline a little too far back. And literally, if you've seen this, you see all the barber shop videos, right? If you've seen all the movies, Barbershop 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Are you sipping on the scissors? -I've seen the first one at least. I haven't seen the other one. -You got to see the sequels. They're the absolute worst. -But one crazy thing, there's a crackhead that comes in our shop and you know, tries to earn a little money. And we were doing that for-- -You let him sweep up the hair? -Yeah, yeah. We let it do it for a little bit, but then he started, like, taking advantage of the money, because we was kind of, you know, blessing him a little bit. -Right. -And he started getting on drugs real hard. He started shadow boxing and rapping for, like, six hours straight on. -Yeah. -He was on Crystal Math, but he thought it was vape juice. -Am I correct? -Yeah, Bob. -I know this guy. He was on the show earlier. Matthew Jordan, this crew loves a good callback over here. They go crazy if you mention something that happened an hour and a half ago. Duncan Trussell, speaking of callbacks, Tony is putting up people who came in from San Antonio. He has a house and you said, "It looks two and a half hours away. You were taking a shit." -That's a long drive! -You were taking a shit, so you missed it. -Doesn't matter. You do, though. Tell for him. Tony's going to get you a week at the force. -That is-- -That is not true. -Well done. -I'll carry all your luggage to your room, bro. -I like the way you think. I like the way you think. Okay, so Trini, is there a lovely lady out there? How many kids do you have? You're a Martinez. What is it? 7, 8, 9? -I mean, we attempted two miscarriages, but you know, we don't know about that. -Oh, my goodness. [ Cheers and applause ] -Now, come on! Monster! -Was there something, perhaps? And I know this is a crazy question. I'm going to take heat for this. I already see the ladies giving me a look like what's he about to ask. But let me ask you this. Two miscarriages is one more than one. Is there something that she's doing in particular? Is she, perhaps, you know, ice skating or anything like that? Is she-- -We have stairs at our apartment, is no? -Ah, okay. -Trini, save that one for the Louisiana Barber competition. -Two miscarriages. Incredible. Are you still trying? Are you trying for a third miscarriage, right now? -To be honest, right now. [ Cheers and applause ] -You're a train. -That's going to be clipped for sure. [ Cheers and applause ] -You're still trying your cream-pyinger? -Yeah, we're putting a little-- -We're trying to-- -Portrada and that Chalupa, am I correct? -China or Chaut that? -Yeah, absolutely. -When you go to Bucky's, what exactly do you get, Trini Martinez? Because I'm a big Bucky's guy. -Big time. -I get either the chicken sandwich or the breakfast biscuit with the bacon egg and cheese. -Oh, you order like a white guy. I'm actually disappointed. -That you were going to get a little wackier than that, I mean. -Oh, you know, I like chicken sandwich. -That's it? -The cup of fruit, too. -Cup of fruit. He went whiter. -He went whiter. -I get a little bit of a metamusel and a couple of Tylenols, and I'm out the door of town. -What the fuck? -I'm half white. I'm half white. -You're half white? -Yeah. -Oh, my God, it does not show at all, dude. Are you sure? -Oh, he lifts up his glasses. -Wow! -Wow! -Wow! -He lifts up his glasses to show Mexican Asian eyes over here. -You don't believe I'm half white, dude? Look at these fucking things, dude. What now, dude? Look how half white I am. -Look at these dark Asian eyes. -Somebody tell you you have white eyes. It's somebody lie to you at some point in your life. -I tell you you have white eyes. -Oh, the time. -Oh, my God. -Absolutely incredible, Trini Martinez. You're a fun interview. I love that you chose here for your first set, even though I normally don't like it when people do that. The punchlines aren't really there. Yeah, but man, you have balls, dude. You have balls, dude. I like your. I like the risks that you take, Trini Martinez. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Sign up again, come back some other time. There you go, Trini Martinez. Everybody, the Killtony debut of Trini Martinez. Ah, you know, I'm about to do something really crazy, everybody. You guys, like, unbelievably awesome shit. You know, sometimes there's a golden ticket winner slash regular that you don't see for a while. You know, I'm an old pro wrestling fan. And one of my favorite pro wrestlers, he exists right here, famously put me through a table, Killtony Mania in Las Vegas, the Undertaker. I think what the Undertaker, one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all time, is that he wasn't always a full-time roster guy. You know, he wasn't on Monday Night Raw every week. You'd save him for, like, pay per views, and there'd be a big build-up. You wouldn't see him for a while, and he would come out absolutely nowhere. I like to think this next comedian is our version of that. Sometimes he's gone, comes back, he is an icon. An absolute freak of nature. You guys are about to go nuts, as I bring to the stage for the first time in quite a while. In fact, I think since Killtony Mania, this is the long-awaited return of the one and only. Timmy Nobreak. (upbeat music) (audience cheering) Oh, thank you. (audience cheering) Wow. Wow. I'm gonna fuck your girl. (audience laughing) Okay, relax, bitch. (audience laughing) Look, I don't know if you guys all know these episodes are on a delay. Okay, like this episode's gonna be coming out in a week, so I'm doing topical jokes based on what I assume will happen. (audience laughing) Oh, god damn. This is crazy. Do you guys see how Obama's dick pic got leaked? (audience laughing) Yeah. Michelle Obama's. (audience laughing) She has the horse cock, that bitch is the horse. (audience laughing) September 11th, no. (audience laughing) Yesterday it was Rose Shoshana, Jewish New Year, where am I Jewish at? (audience cheering) Check the book, yeah. (audience laughing) Less of a prediction, more of a feeling. (audience laughing) Look, it's been a rough week for Kill Tone. You guys are probably seeing the news. (audience laughing) Dedric is back in jail. (audience laughing) I know, I know. He gave me a statement to read. What do you know about getting arrested in Taiwan because? if your friend put a gun in your retainer case. (audience laughing) Yeah, Patrick C. Z is gonna fuckin' kill me. (audience laughing) A while ago, Uncle Laser got his dick sucked on a podcast by a 16 year old, a girl that looked 16 with Down syndrome, and apparently, she didn't just look like it. I'm being holy fuck. He's a pedophile, he's an uncle, he's in jail. No more. (audience laughing) Mon Phillips, also in jail. He held a baby. So, oh shit, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. (audience laughing) Well, we're having fun, I gotta get serious for a second. I don't know if you guys probably heard, but we lost someone really important in the Killton family. And I just wanna pay some respects to 'em, so play the video. (audience laughing) What are you fuckin' doing? I'm tryin' to pay you my respect! Here it comes. All right, here it comes. I'm up for my special needs son in the fuckin' sound booth right now. (audience laughing) All right, guys. (audience laughing) Wow. All right, here we go. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - Rapian is pretty much-- (audience laughing) - Pizza of shit, you fuckin' idiot, idiot. - You fuckin' idiot. - So retarded. - Fuckin' piece of shit. - You big piece of shit, piece of shit. - You prover. - Piece of fuckin' shit. - You mad ass. - A dumb ass. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - Absolutely amazing. - Hey, Rapian. (audience laughing) - How did Rapian die? - Natural causes. (audience laughing) - How many lookin' take time? - Holy shit. (audience cheering) - I really wish I didn't put the tear stick in my eye. (audience laughing) - Rapian, you have to go for this to make sense. You gotta get the fuck outta here. - That doesn't make sense. This happens next week. (audience laughing) - If you shut up, shut the fuck up. - No, that took me, that took me fuckin' a lot too much. - It would be insane if Red Band accidentally dies this week. - I know. - You're like right, and then this happens. - I would see it 'cause I edit the videos. (laughing) - Yeah. Oh, we would never find a new editor without your amazing editing or Red Band. Oh my God. - Camera one. Camera two. Camera three. Camera one. - Camera three. Camera one. How would we ever go along? You know, I kinda hope he does die this week. (audience laughing) Me too. - That's gonna be in your actual and memorium video one day. - Timmy, amazing work. You are on fire, my friend. You look fantastic. Let me tell you, Red Band actually. Not only is he not dying, but I've been noticing his beard gets darker every week. I don't know what's going on. - Hey, it's just for men. You wouldn't know anything about this wink. - Oh, I gotta. - I've been using, I've been using just for boys. - Just for men. (audience cheering) - It looks so natural. No one can tell. - Timmy, what's going on in life? What's it like being one of the top rock stars in all of the universe? - Pretty good, you know, just the fuck, just fucking and stuff. And how you guys doing? - That's exactly what I thought. - What do you guys wear in it? - Kurt's got something cooking over here. I know this is a night of a lot of callbacks. - Oh yeah. - But I have to go take a shit. - Wow. (audience cheering) - Be sure to check out the Mystery Boys podcast where they alternate taking shit. It's on Spotify and YouTube. - Timmy, you're an absolute sensation. I mean, that's that, what? - What's the shit callback? - That's. - Forget about it. - I did this shit earlier. - Oh, you did? That's funny, did that. That's really funny, they just took a shit as a callback. That's funny. - Thanks. - Yeah, no, you're funny. I like it. You've white Mexican, I don't know. - What do you mean? - Nothing. - You're wearing a poncho, it's a poncho. Duncan will be in Dallas on September 18th, Fort Worth September 19th in Detroit, October 23rd, 24th and 25th, a little fun fact. - Oh my god, I'll be there. - Yeah. (laughing) Timmy, everything else is good in life. You're absolutely dominating. You've been fucking and everything, what else? - Yeah, just fuck, was I supposed to prepare stuff? - No, you're good. Oh, this is the part where you wouldn't provide just something that I send you out of. - All right, let's improvise. Can we get a suggestion? - I just gave you one, you could talk about anything that you've been doing in life. - Yeah, what's that? - You're special. You fucking retard, what are you saying? - Yeah, I mean, I had a good roast shushana, you know? This is a good time to tell you guys, I'm Jewish and I'm sorry. I could tell the future now. I got a neural link, so, you know? (audience laughing) - Slip it. - So yeah, tell the future about people. These guys have cancer. All sorts of shit. I, Hillary Duffenaya, going pretty steady right now. - Whoa. - You know, she's, God, that bitch is such a fucking whore and I love you. Margot Robbie has been stalking me. - Wow. - That's been crazy. Yeah, hey Margot, if you're watching this, do not come to two A-two-two East Martin Luther King, Junior Boulevard, Austin, Texas. Don't do a bitch. - Timmy, you are the absolute man. We love you. A long, old way to return. - I love you. - And it's unbelievable. - That from the great, Timmy No Brakes, everybody. - Have a good night. Thank you. Thank you. (audience cheering) In a shocking turn of events, a bucket pool has to follow the legendary Timmy No Brakes. So let's see what happens. I bring to the stage, Jules Holy, everybody. Here comes Jules Holy. (upbeat music) So my mother's a whore. (audience laughing) So that means I got a step, brother. In the day we met, he wanted to play me in a game with one on one basketball, and I obliged. I knew I needed to start my dominant, so I immediately threw the ball off his face and scored. Of course I won. And I guess you could say whenever you compare me in that fill, I'm even winning in life. Because about 10 years ago, he became paralyzed. So now whenever I see him, I get to throw a different set of balls on his face. (audience laughing) It's a shame he'd have made one hell of a boxer, 'cause y'all to see that sunbed for open-doping nut sack, just. (audience laughing) My therapist told me it's because I suffer from a certain PTSD called repetitive compulsion. Says it stems from whenever I was a child taking showers with my dad, and he'd repetitively smack me in the face with his tally wacker. (audience laughing) He ain't the only family member I took showers with. I also had to get a few of my grandma. She'd at least hop in with her fruit of allumes on. But when them things got wet, it just blur everything out. Now I'm starting to think that's where my fascination with Japanese porn comes from. (audience laughing) Hell yeah, Jewel Tolly, welcome. I like your style. You from Texas, porn and raise? Yes, sir. Absolutely, what part? Going Barrel City? Wow, are you from there? Do you know each other? Seems like a city small enough for you would have to know each other. You'd love it, there ain't no black people out there. Wait, wait a second, hold on a second. Let me put my butt plug where it deserves to be. I'm so excited right now. When you say there ain't no black people, is that a double negative? Because if so, I'm taking the toll road. Are there really no black people there? I used to work at a sprint store out there, and four black guys walked in, and I looked at my boss and I said, I think we're about to get robbed. Is that racist? She goes, yeah, that's racist. So I took my lunch break about five minutes later. I'm sure enough, it got robbed. (audience laughing) Is that a true story? It's definitely a true story. Of all the things that we've heard in the interviews tonight, I would guarantee that that's true or then almost anything. Wow, Duncan Trussell. You know, I love your voice and what's incredible is you. sound exactly like someone from Gun Barrel City. Like, it's amazing. Like, you should do voiceover work. You should, well, you know what's amazing that Duncan's doing tonight is he's casting the next season of Midnight Gospel here, a tonight on tonight's show. I'm giving away four seasons hotel rooms and Duncan is actually giving one lucky person a voiceover job. And it's such a special moment. It's bigger than anything that we can possibly award somebody is a guest spot on Midnight Gospel. You misunderstood me. I said, I needed a narrator for the incest porn. I'm shooting. And you are hired, friend. You are hired. Joel, do you still live in Gun Barrel? No, sir. Where do you live now, Austin? Yes, sir. About five months. By the way, you don't have to call me, sir. Just call me Mr. Tony. OK, so it's been five months. And you're-- this is a big city to you. I'm sure that, am I correct? Yes, sir. But what have you learned about living in Austin that you don't like or that you love or that you don't like? I'll let you pick. It's got to be some stuff that annoys you. They just don't say the blocks. Go ahead. [LAUGHTER] All the liberal women complaining about not getting abortions in Texas. Ooh, yeah. I love it. Where are you finding these women at? Anywhere, H-E-B. [LAUGHTER] Amazing. Amazing. I wish they just knew they could hang out with Lindsey Glancy. She loves killing kids. That's right. That is right. Kurt Metzker. You ever try a little bit of dollar store gunning? What do you mean by that, Kurt? I don't want to say. Go ahead, Kurt. You brought it up. Red bad news. But why don't you describe it? When you're in a Supreme Gentleman, such as this gentleman, we'll go to the dollar store. And I'll follow a lady around in Goon. What are you going to do? It's the dollar store. And they're easy to win. So there's no dollar store at Gumbarol City. You know that, right? Is that a real city? It sounds like a real city. That's where he's from. They got a dollar general marketplace. There you go. Get to Goonage. Can you tell the audience? There might be a few Syrian immigrants out in the crowd. It might not know what Gooning is. Oh, that's what you do hand-flogging of your-- Can you describe what "flogging" is for the immigrants in the crowd, perhaps? No, I can't. All right, Chul, what do you do for work? Deliveries? Just anything that needs to be delivered. I love it. Can you build things? You seem like the kind of guy that could build cabinets or something like that. I can do a little bit of everything, but not good at anything. Right. OK. Makes sense. I love the honesty. I love it. Everybody else comes up here. They try to seem like they're good at everything, barber, with bad hands, and whatnot. Not you. Not you, a master of none. What kind of pickup truck do you have? Well, 150 or 250? F-150 or F-250? 150. 150. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. You know, a lot of people think I'm just a fucking Ohio California boy that bought a bell buckle. But I consider myself as Texas as it gets. And I can look at a man from Gun Barrel City and tell that you're a 150 guy. Now, you were built for a 250. But we're not quite there yet. You know what I mean? We're trying to get on up to 350. Whoa! Whoa! You used to be able to get a good 350 around here, and then a Zempe came around and bumped them all down to 150s. Now they're all 150s with extra skin hanging off their ass. Yup. Yeah. It's decaying up the white girls. Yup. All the 350s are 150s now. It's absolutely incredible. They both Zempe picked the pickup trucks. Jewel, let's get back to race here. What is your least favorite race of them all? [LAUGHTER] Guadamalans? Oh, good pick. Now, what is it about the wacky Guadamalans that you dislike the most? That is specific! This is the part of the show in which they swim too well. Oh! Is this-- oh, shit. Chug the gooner on stage. Amazing. Jewel. What's another fun fact about Jewel Tolly before I get you out of here? There's something you do, because you seem like a real country. But what do you think is the most crazy country middle and nowhere thing about you? Is there something you do? You ever jerk off the stick of butter in your hand or something like that? [LAUGHTER] No, but in an army, they teach you to jack off to stay awake. Really? I didn't serve. I didn't know this. It seems like the opposite, by the way. No, no, no. This is interesting. Tell us. Thank you for your service. Oh, yeah. First of all, Jewel, tell us more about this. Guys, let them talk for a second. Hold on, let me see what he's talking about. It gets the blood flowing, so it will keep you awake. OK, tell Mother. That's the wrong head. It turns out Redban is a SEAL Team 6 member. I didn't know this. That's absolutely incredible. I had no idea. I knew I'd hear Redban is getting the-- Redban-- Redban's going to die with two purple hearts. The one in his chest and the one that he's awarded for his masturbating service. I understand my hope I'd die this week. It would be epic. It really would be. I can get you a purple heart, by the way. I know a couple people. OK. Duncan Trussman. Can you act out the moment in the military when your sergeant told you to jerk off to stay awake? Give him a shot. Keep it going, keep it going. What the fuck was he talking about? That's a pretty good act out. That's very good, Joel. OK, so-- You're going to get tired out there! Did you ever serve overseas? No, sir. Where did you serve? What did you do? You just had a base? I was just in the reserves. So we can't worry. They never called you up for anything. They didn't want me. Whenever I tried to go, they told me that I didn't even end up in the unit because I never showed up to work. Wow. Well, you just learned the jerk off thing? Nothing else? Yeah. I have a question. Just in the reserves, why would you just stay up like that to the point of gooning? All right. Peers of those-- someone learned about gooning while taking their shit in the bathroom, everybody. You know it. Are you sure you're not talking about the Boy Scouts? I wouldn't ever touch, so probably not. I'm sorry, man. All right, Joel. It seems as though he's having flashbacks to a war he wasn't even in right now. Joel, how long have you been on standup? About three years? Three years. And most of it in gun barrel? Well, close. There's Tyler, which is about an hour away. So out there. Goddamn. Incredible. And now you live here. You know what, Joel? I just like you. I'm only giving you a big joke book, because I like you. Let the record show. That's it. It's that easy. I just have to like you. I like an F-150 kind of guy. That's just how I identify as an F-150 guy. I have a two-seat, like, boom, boom. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket poll of the night. It's an interesting name. Make some noise for Q Rose, everybody. Start buying on bucket poll. [MUSIC PLAYING] How are we doing, kids? Tony, how are we doing, people? All right, all right. I've been dealing with trying to date lately, you know what I'm saying? But I'm trying to get my money up. These girls don't want you to have a little bit of money. They want you to make solid amount of money. Had a girl called me a broken nigga, we had the same job. I'm like, bitch. [LAUGHTER] You can't take me out, either. What the fuck? [LAUGHTER] Ah, man, these women are different nowadays. These new women are different. They throw on me off, man. I'm confused, man. They used to be either one of the day of, you know, a man or a woman, now they want everybody. I try to talk to this one girl. She told me she was a pansexual. I'm like, whatever bitch I fuck you on the stove. I'm going to fuck you up. [LAUGHTER] I got pots, pans, forks, phones. Bitch, this dick is non-stick. All right. [APPLAUSE] You're welcome. Thank you. Cute Rose. Welcome, cute Rose. Is this your first time on the show? No, I was on the show like two years ago. OK. But I didn't know what the show was. It was my first-- I was here by South by Southwest. OK. And some of my comedian friends was like, sign up just everywhere. And I got called. And I didn't even know what the show really was about. But what did you do? What did I do? I mean, I came in here. I did my minute, and then I tried to leave. I was like, right. Because I was like, I didn't know what was happening. Yeah, yeah, but since then, what? You just fell in love with that? What happened? Well, since then, I didn't know the show. I got millions of views and things like that. And it was so big as what it was. And I just started getting into it. And I've been coming every week since for like two years now, so-- Wow. So you just got pulled tonight for the first time in two years? Yeah, so it's amazing. I'm sorry to recognize you. Your hair was much shorter last time you were on, I do believe. So Q Rose, let's catch up on what-- Oh, you like that? your hair will show. You like that red band, you like that one because his hair is long and it must have been shorter. Um, Q Rose, what do you do for work? What does it, what does it, what exactly does your broke ass do for work? I mean, she compares you all these niggas is broke, but uh. What, how do you make money, you go in a sprint store and gun barrel, Texas, doing a little, uh. I'm not familiar with the joke, but they laugh and so fuck you up. Ah, you're right, that is correct, I imply that you rob places. Just to let you know, I know I'm not one to stray away. Shut up, snitch. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. [SCREAMS] A lot of people don't know this. Me and Q Rose go back a long way, we used to rob places together. Okay, no, what do you do for a living, Q? Um, I'm a, shit, I'm a veteran and uh. Air Force veteran, uh, and also. [SCREAMS] Alright, thank you for your taxes, my niggas, I appreciate y'all. I love it. What did you do in the Air Force, exactly? Um, Air Force, uh, by just. I was like, um. The pods were like Batman, I was like Alfred, like I just kind of like helped them. With they shit, like. Pack and parachute, night vision goggles, what you need niggas? I mean. Wow. Gotcha. I love it. Packin' the bags. Yeah, whatever they need, man. Dunk pilots, personally. Did, they ever tell you to jerk off when you were getting sleepy? I don't know what they did in the army, bro, I have. Because me personally, when I jack off, I go straight to sleep. I don't know what that nigga's talking about. What Red Band does. That's what Red Band does. Oh, well, can I just. First of all, thank you for your service, sir, and can I just say. I'm just gonna say, I don't think that guy was really in the army, I'm not. He was in the reserves and they never called him up. Oh, okay. So you are correct. But it was time to stay up. We established that. Yeah. All he learned how to do is jerk off in the military. I'm gonna tell you this straight up, if you got any t-shirt to say bitch, this dick is non-stick, I will buy them. It's all like this stuff. Merced coming soon. Q-Rose comedy, follow me. That is a good point. The Q-Rose, you've been doing comedy other places, right? Absolutely. Wait, I never got an answer. What are you doing for work now? I have a, I have a, like, I do like a peer space, basically like a event center and I have an Airbnb. So. Then you, but what, you sell candy bars? I mean, I don't understand. What are you doing? Oh, okay. You rent out your Airbnb. Yeah, I'll rent it out. Yeah, I'll rent it out and I have like a basketball court and they come and they play basketball, type of shit. Yeah, it's a. Wait, you rent it out and they play basketball? I have a basketball court inside outdoor, you know, just, you know, use that benefits to set me up for life. Is it, oh, is it one hoop or is there two? There's two hoops. Holy shit, Kurt Metzger. That's like the Olympic pool of black people. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, yeah, I get a lot of black people there. Yeah. More like a scary Airbnb, am I right? Um, so where is this Airbnb located? It's in Dallas. It's in Dallas. I'm from Dallas. I started comedy in Philadelphia and. It's near Mockingbird Lane. Mockingbird Lane. Yeah, I started Mockingbird Lane. Mockingbird Lane. No, I'm Martin Luther King Drive. What is it near? Where is it near? Can you give me a. Can you give me a. Uh, it's not near the Gabriel head, you're fine. Oh, sit on one bar. Okay. Q Rose, how about your love life? How's that going right now? I was talking earlier about how all the thick white bitches have lost the weight from the ozemic, ruining it for a lot of people that are in the plumber ladies. Um, I mean, shit. I mean, I like all type of bitches, man. Okay. What is your number one ranked bitch right now? Shit. This was like college football and you had to give a real number one, so we're gonna go one through five. Oh, shit, man. You put me on. Thumbs up. You say, "What?" No one knows. Literally nobody knows. What? He doesn't even know. What number one? What? What the fuck is on you guys head, bro? What the fuck are you guys wearing? Stick with me here. Stick with me. Number one favorite bitch. Yeah. Now, let me just give you a little, uh, little inside scoop here. You are in front of a lot of white bitches right now. I mean, I mean, shit, I used to fuck white women in here for something, that's all we had. Okay. Okay. What's that? You the fuck you bitch. Stick with us. Stick with us, Cure. I'm gonna stick with you. I was about to find out. Okay. It's all right. So Cure, let me ask you this, because it seems like you would fuck just about any type of lady. Yeah, as long as she was, um, I don't want to be controversial. No, go ahead. Please be controversial. We love that. We love controversy here. I would prefer her being born a lady. Is that all right? Oh. Oh. That's not controversial at all. That is kind of, um, a phobic, though. Haha. You see, you see if I can be canceled. Fuck this guy. Have you ever been with a lady that was born a man? No. Would you like to be? All right. No, no. Shit. A few rows. Um. Fuck, though. Why would you ask me that? You don't. How about. What's the biggest lady you've ever been with? Have you had to guess the weight of the biggest lady you've ever been with? Uh, I just talked to this one girl that was, uh, black girls, 260. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, 260. Let me ask you this. Yeah, 260. Let me ask you this. Would she buy you things and cook for you and stuff? I've noticed that the heavier ladies like to buy things for the men. Um, from my own research. But I'm a gay, guys. So, what do I know about that? I mean, I mean, shit. She used to cook. She used to cook real well. I mean, I don't think I'll play my chords. It's not like I didn't get a fat bitch with money. So, I didn't play my chords, right? Right. But, yeah, she used to cook, you know what I'm saying, and uh, I eventually got her to lose weight. So, she. How did you get her to lose the weight? Did you have her playing basketball on your basketball court? Actually, yes. Really? Wow. That is amazing. Yeah. Did you get out there? She'd burn some calories. Well, you just shoot some hoops and then I used to fuck this shit out of her stuff. Wow. Thank you for your service, sir. That is incredible. Well, Kee Rose, thank you so much. Such a fun, uh, such a fun set, uh, man, I am not writing that. Shout out to, uh, Dallas, uh, D-F-D, yeah, Triple D. Triple, yeah, give me some, brother, y'all. Say, yeah. Triple D. Uh, they said, uh, Dallas, um, I'm big, I'm big, I'm big, I'm gross about it, so shout out, I'm big, I'm big, I'm gross about it. So, shout out, I'm big, I'm big, I'm gross about it. Is there anything else? Perhaps some cousins or something you'd like to go, shout out Ray Ray, Lil Puke, uh, oh, shit. Puke! Go, Puke, what's up, man? Puke would not like you, you know, you know, you're like, "Kee Rose, this is for you, my friend. It matches you." There he goes. Kee Rose, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. Thank you, Kee Rose. Very fun. Look how it starts, a friend dares them to sign up for a show, he had no idea. He gets addicted, he got a taste of that sweet, sweet, uh, crystal vape juice, if you will. And now he's been signing up every week since, didn't even know there was an interview part of the show the first time he signed up. It's amazing what happens here. The fuck did he mean, Puke wouldn't like me. Well, I don't think Puke's quite the conspiracy theorist. You get one shot with Puke, if you blow it, that's it, dude. Car field. That's right. Okay, guys, is that time, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end a show like this. I call them the anomaly, the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, this is Pat O'Neal, everybody. Next week, my doctor told me how sometimes erectile dysfunction can be the result of depression. I was like, no, dude, I'm sad because my dick doesn't work, uh, not the other way around. Stop talking about feelings like a chick and fix my fucking penis, please. It's a big issue in today's homeless communities. Not big enough, but we will get there one day. I'm not a homeless people, they're always screaming by the time I'm done with them. Anytime I see one of them with a dog, I think, hey, well, can't be that hungry. So glass half full. I have heard on this show probably 10, 20 homeless dog jokes. and no one cracked that code somehow. That is absolutely amazing, Pat O'Neil. You have truly done it again. Even when a premise is covered, no one finds the fucking finish line quite like you. You are absolutely hysterical. - Thank you, sir. - Guys, this is your first time seeing the real deal, Pat O'Neil? - Yeah, you're amazing. - That was great. - Take it, Duncan. Fucking great. Any looks like the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2 kindness. That's cool. - Sure. - I've really got about him. - That is true. - You can go. - You can go. You can go. You can go. I love you, you can go. - I see a Jeff Gold bloom. Third act of the fly. - Ah, that one too. - That is, I can see that too. At least these guys have new takes. Everyone else just says he looks like Rick and Morton. - This is amazing. - Like both of them? - Yeah. - Yeah. - It works every time too. It's amazing. - No, that last joke is great, dude. That's such an offensive joke that I had to laugh at. So I really appreciate that. - Thank you, Kurt. - You are so funny. - Thank you, Duncan. - It is crazy and we just love having you here and you found this format and it just works so well for you. You're just a fucking machine. We love you so much. - Thank you, Duncan. - I want to come on this chest. Look at that fucking shirt. That's hot. - Yeah. - Wow. That is the Heidi shirt. - It's me feel better about doing it to myself, you know? - It is an amazing shirt available on killmerch.com. Pat will be with us in Dallas, Houston, Las Vegas and the Moody Center on New Year's Eve. We're gonna have a lot of fun. How about one more time for the anomaly, the real deal, Pat O'Neill, everybody. How much fun did we have tonight, huh? Guys, check out the mystery boys. How about one more time for my amazing guests, Duncan Trustling, Kurt Metzger. - Thank you. - Free everyday, free everyday. - Be sure to catch Duncan in Dallas September 18th, Fort Worth September 19th and Deach Shroyd, October 23rd, 24th and 25th, watch the mystery boys on YouTube or listen on Spotify if you're at work and can't make it to YouTube or whatever. Any order, we'll be in Dallas September 26th, used to in October 17th, Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, and a New Year's Eve here in beautiful Austin, Texas for the fourth year in a row doing an arena in our hometown. It's absolutely unheard of. It's so much fun. Red band. - Check out the sunsetstripatx.com secret show every Thursday I love you guys. - We love you guys. God bless this audience. So much fun tonight and God bless the United States and America. Thank you everybody. Bye bye. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) ♪ We stood, let's go ♪ (upbeat music) (upbeat music)