Kerryn Feehan

What up whiskey ginger fans. Welcome back to the show. It's first time during the show. Welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey done say. Do me a favor. Leave a comment down below for the Al Go rhythm. Next year is a big year for the whiskey ginger. We're expanding. Hopefully we're getting bigger and better guests. Comment down below who you want to see on the show. Also, I'm running around the country. Come see me. Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. I'm in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, Bethlehem PA, Hanover, Maryland, Borgata, Atlantic City, New Jersey. Then I'm at Valley Center, which is basically down by San Diego at the Harris. Then I'm in Canyonville, Oregon, Las Vegas, and then the Little Rodifest in Providence, Rhode Island, and also we're going to put in up the tickets for Netflix as a joke with me and Bobby Lee coming up soon. Go to to Andrew Santino.com for those tickets. Andrew Santino.com. Let it jump. Welcome back, whiskey ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I know they say that from, I guess when I meet him once again today, it's Karen Feehan. I like it. And she's starving, by the way. She was hitting on McCone. He's gone. I can't ask a young lad where he's off to. He's off to work. We have to send those guys to work. If they don't work, if they don't work, they get complacent and lazy. You know these, you know, this generation? Of course. I know these kids. They smoke 10 ones a day. He doesn't do drugs. Oh, it's so cute. You like him, don't you? I do. His eye color is really nice. He's a cute little boy. Yeah, he's a cute little boy. That's why I keep him around. Yeah. I keep him around because women and men both are attracted to him and I think it helps the rapport. Yeah, it makes everybody at ease. Yeah, aren't you more comfortable now? I'm very comfortable. You're so fucking tan. Yeah, I knew you were going to come in on my tan. Why are you so tan? Why are you so see-through? Well, this is how God made me. Yeah. See, God improved me. Oh my God. This is fabricated from look. You could have a stronger solar callus if you worked on it. You're going to get skin cancer because you're not even trying. You're 100% going to get skin cancer before me. No way. Because of my solar callus, Google it. I'm never going to get melanoma. I have created a resilient layer that will not allow melanoma to enter my epidermis. You are quite callous. I will say that. Wait, you're. A word smith. You're Irish. A hundred percent Irish. Black Irish. My friend, you are going to get cancer. Your last name confuses me so much. Yeah. Would two people like each other to come from different backgrounds? No. I have to teach you about biology. No. My father's a salient. My mother's Irish. And that's why I'm six-one in a leprechaun. I'm the biggest leprechaun you've ever seen. Your last name is supposed to be like Shaunasi or Ohanigan or something. You sound like an old woman on the plane sitting next to me. You're a Santino? How could this be? I don't understand. No, what happens in Chicago is when you're mad at your father, you sleep with the biggest Italian you can find. Oh, your mom's one of those. Is Irish renegade? I love her. A little Irish. I'm sure it's every aunt you have. Wild one. Yeah. No, we kept an Irish. Everybody's Irish in my family. No one dipped out, huh? No. We're all kind of freckled or, you know. You got to be the darkest Irish person in your family though. There's no chance. This is as dark as I've ever seen a Irish person. My mom, if you look at pictures of my mom from like the 70s. Oh, I've got pictures of your mom. I bet you do. You dirty bird. Mrs. Fian, come get me, baby. My mom used to fry, fry in the sun. But this is no fake. This is all sun. No, this is real. I was in Santa Monica today. Just me and the trash that attends that fucking coast. Don't go over there. I just said that to Victoria in the way out. I said, why are you over on the west side? No, we don't do that. No. We don't go to the beach. We just like to know it's there. Yeah, you guys, like, and I did a little apartment swap and at this apartment, the pool is there, but it's in jail. There's no seating around it. It's just fence. I've never seen anyone enter it. It's apartments you swap with a comic? Yeah, I don't want to throw our business out there. Oh, okay, that's right. I mean, you're not even going to weigh her a dress. No, no, I know, but she seems a little private to me. I don't care. You can know exactly where I live. Yeah. In Manhattan. You put her dress right here, down the block. This is it. Are you in battery park? Yeah. Oh, you really? The most desirable zip code in Manhattan. How long have you been there almost five years? Have you seen, like, how long have you been in New York City? Have you seen this guy on the island? What is the Asian? No, no, he's like a Russian Eastern European. He's like, how long have you been in New York City? How much do you spend every day living in New York City? Oh, no. You've never seen this guy? Like, on the internet. Yeah, he's so funny. Yeah. How, and how long are you visiting New York City? And they're like, a week and he's like, how much money will you spend? A week in New York City. It's my favorite. Because New York is the greatest variable of finances. People will go there and they'll spend an absurd amount of money. Because New York is never, there's nothing you can't have a day in New York on the cheap. It's impossible. I did it. I lived in Brooklyn. I lived on a bagel a day. In the city, in the city, in the city. You're going to get ripped off everywhere you go on a city. Well, you've got to learn how to negotiate. I did this guy. What are you using to negotiate? My type. How much is the bagel? How much is that bagel? A guy admitted to trying to scam me at the farmer's market in Battery Parker a couple of weeks ago. Because I was paying with cash and he was giving me the wrong change. I was like, I gave you a 20 and he goes, yeah, I was, I was trying to scam you. Whoa. It's like me. My guy. I'm a numbers girl. But that's really nice that he told you. But he admitted it. Yeah, I was trying to rip you off. Yeah, you're like, I got you, baby. He's like, all right. He got me. He called you, call me. That's nice. He admits the mistake. He goes, look, I'm going to get somebody else. So have a good day. Right. Can you give you anything for free? No, he showed it all right. What was it like? So where were you buying strawberries or something? He was a meat guy. I was getting cured meats. Ooh. He cured meat girl. Oh, I'm a butcher box girl. I love meat. Oh, you like it delivered at the store? Yeah, I like all my steaks. Big beef girl. I love it. Get my protein. Well, you tell, I know you're hitting on my cone 20 minutes ago. Yeah, someone's looking for protein. You're on, you're on, you're on the move. I suck his blood. Who needs collagen? What do you just keep fucking 26? 26-year-old men. Yeah. I'm interested in 26-year-old guys too. That's why I keep them really around. That's my little secret. Yeah. Keeps me young. Where are you born though? Massachusetts. I grew up in Marshfield, Marsh Vegas. You'll never go back to live? Yeah. No. Never go back to mass. You'll live in New York to your dad. Yeah. Probably, huh? Yeah. I would buy property in Massachusetts. I'd buy a house on the Cape. Yeah, Cape is, I mean, come on. That's where my parents live. Really? My dad, Barton's on the ferry that goes from Hiannes to Nantucket and he talked himself on to the new Jennifer Garner movie. I have a picture. I'll show you. What, he just bullied his way on? Literally. That's amazing. He's incredible. He has selfies with her. My dad's 72. He does not know how to take selfies. Jennifer Garner had to take the selfie. Wow. Yeah. I actually respect your father so much. He's awesome. And your parents are still married. They are 47 years. Not real. I know. They hate each other. Yeah. And they should. Catholic. Yeah. Irish Catholic. Good for you. Your parents too. My parents are definitely not still together. That's why I'm a successful comedian. That's why I'm failing. You're my too much love. Yeah. Dude, you're way too much support. Your parents like you. No. They're my mother's remarried. It's a wonderful man. My father is a single man now. Single doing his own thing. But does he have any interest in? No, I don't think so. I think he's been to the ringer enough. You know what I mean? He's done the thing. He did the thing again and then he was like, this is. I'm out. That's my thing is I'm married. And if this is it, this is it. I think it's I think marriage is a one and a doneter. It doesn't mean you can't find love again. But I don't know if you want to get married again. Yeah. Like I have a friend who's going through it right now. He's about to get remarried. Okay. And I don't think it's a good idea. Really? What's his name? What's his address? Put his name up right here and his home address. No, it's just one of those things where you're like, it's a business deal. But it's more so. It's like you don't need to do it again. You're we're both everyone's in their 40s now. So you're like, you don't need to do. They don't need no one needs that. You need girls kind of want it when they're young the most like they want the idyllic wedding. But I think in your 40s when you've been through it, I was like, you don't really need to do that dance again. Do you? You've already been to that restaurant. Right. The food wasn't that good. Yeah. Just take it to go. Take it to go. Take it to go. Eat it in front of the TV. Like you need it, dude. That's true. It is true. I mean, I don't know. Everyone has a different viewpoint on it. But whenever friends of mine go second round, I'm always like, just just just stay in love and be a, what is it? We were talking earlier about that Paul Thomas Anderson movie, one battle after another. Do you want it? I haven't seen it yet. So good. Everybody's talking about it. I almost went last night. Oh, it was Google and him. PTA and he's been with my Rudolph for like 20 some odd years. Okay. Partner. Not even married. Wow. I love my Rudolph. Isn't that great? They're having a great time. She's the coolest. They got a bunch of kids and they just live free and they're not doing the marriage. Yeah. Smart dude. That's smart. I, when I think of like guys getting divorced and then remarried, all I think of is all the money they're probably showing out. Yeah. But I mean, I think if the pain is real enough, they don't care about the way I don't care about it. They're like whatever money is, money's fake. Yeah. Money's not real. Oh, I know. As rich as you are. No, I know. You should see all the LaBoubou's. My niece has been working with her. She's dead. Are you stupid you do that? I don't like the chokehold that China has on our youth. I'm not happy about the participation. I for one love at China. Thank you so much. Keep keep killing us. That's my favorite thing, dude. I can't stop. She's so cute. She does a little unboxing videos for me. I'm supposed to stop sending her LaBoubou's. How old is she? I don't know. How old is my niece? No clue. How much is a LaBoubou? How much are those things? They're like with shipping like 50 bucks. Oh, that's okay. In my mind, I thought they were like hundreds of dollars. Well, if you're sending them 10, here's the thing. There's like if if you buy a lot of them, your chances of finding the secret LaBoubou go up and those things allegedly resell for like 500 bucks. What what makes it secret? It's like an ugly color. It's like a different color than it's advertised. Yeah, I have a friend who's doing a full-on pyramid scheme out of her apartment. Like she's she's buying in bulk and then selling to us. - Yes, genius. - She's pretty smart. - Is this the girl's house that you're living at? This is the department swap, you're just in a lot. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - This is in New York. - This is the Blue Boo Boo's. Isn't this just beanie baby 2.0? - 100%. - Brilliant. - I was a trolls girl. - I had a collection of trolls. - Troll dolls? - Yes. - But they weren't worth money though. - Nothing. - Not like this. - I was an idiot. - Right, this is just kind of like baseball card. We were baseball cards, trolls. But now there's money in it. Baseball cards, I guess there was a little bit when we were kids. Now there's like a trading faction to it that's worth actual. - Apparently you have to like watch for the drop and they only sell the Blue Boo's at certain times, and they're making a finite number. - How do you know you're getting in a real Blue Boo and aren't there so many knockoffs? There's got to be a million that are fake. - Yeah, the Fufus, they're selling. I think you know, there's like an authentication protocol. - How would you know if you're getting the real one? What would be the difference? - I don't fucking know. - It's almost like those sneakers, you know, people get like the fake sneakers of the popular, whatever, like like a Travis Scotts, they make the fake ones, they look identical, they feel the same. - I know. - They're made in the same factory. - Yeah, it's like bags too, but like I can tell a fake bag. - You wouldn't know, wouldn't you? - Yeah. - Are you a big bad girl? - Yeah, I got into bags a little bit. I got a few Louis. I like the Louis Vuitton, they like the Gucci's, they like the Prados. - Louis Vuitton, that's expensive shit. - Yeah, I know, but they're so cute and they're so special. - To you, 'cause they have a story? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, the anti-Semitism really sings to me. - Mm. (laughing) - You know, I love it, girl. (laughing) - The anti-Semitism sings to me. That's why you drive a Mercedes. (laughing) - I can't drive. I can drive. - You don't have a license, do you? - I guess technically no. - Most of my friends in New York don't have a license. - But I could if I wanted to. Like it would take me like maybe a month or two to like figure that out. - Did you have a car when you were in math? - Yeah. - Yeah, but then when you moved to city, you never had a car. - Yeah, why bother? - God, so funny to think like none of you guys have cars. - And you guys just drive around all day. Where are you going? Sitting in traffic. - Can I tell you how good it feels to sit and listen to music in your car though? It's like a thing, I remember from high school how much I love that. And when I don't mind traffic, traffic is kind of a, I think traffic is kind of like a social lie. We pretend as if it's a big bother. It's really not. If you just don't care, it doesn't make sense. - It's so isolating now. - You're alone in these little boxes. - Yeah, but they were with people all the time. Well, I mean, you're probably more alone than I am. Just because people don't like you as a whole. (laughing) - Now you're being helpful. - We were trying to be nice. - I'll take you back, I'll take you back, I'll take you back. - I don't want to start it, I don't want to start it. Yeah, but you live alone. - I do. - Okay, so that is part of the thing of like, oh, I don't want to be alone again in a car. I have a wife, I'm always with people. - Oh, you want to get away from her? - No, not her, but I'm always here at the studio with all these fucking people, I'm with people all the time. - Yeah. - So whether it's the staff or at our other studio, I'm always doing something, or it shows, or at a meeting, or if, so then when I'm in my car, I'm like, oh, this is nice, this is just me. - Me, solo moving meditation. I just prefer the solo moving meditation like outside with my dog in the morning, not in a little box. - What's his name? - Mabel is her name, and she's elite. - Let her choose. - I miss her so much. - What kind of dog is that? - She's an 80 pound German Shepherd Labnex. - Couldn't bring her, that's too much. - What was I gonna do? - Who watches? Which comic? - Oh, I send her to camp, 'cause she can be a little bit of a problem, she hates doodles and French bulldogs. So we send her to camp with the other big dogs. - Did she bite dogs? - She's maybe had a couple of altercations. You know, we got her little e-collar, we worked on it, she's better now. - Send her to camp, man, you are anti-Somatic Jesus Christ. - Keep lining it up. - She's a German Shepherd. - German Shepherd, send her to camp, I see what she's working, obviously. - She goes through a camp with this chick named Ebony, who I love. Every time I put her in the van, it's the reeks of weed. I'm gonna give a shit. I'm like, please get rip-roaring high and play with my dog. - Hell yeah. - All week. - Do you get high? - I have, I use, I kinda don't anymore. I'm lame, I have nothing. - I'm getting high and playing with the dog is something special, though. No booze either. Yeah. - I'm a tattoo that says don't serve me. - My arm. - 'Cause all those dark nights. - Yeah, dark nights. - Now I'm talking about the guys that you did at those dark nights. See you. - Stop it. - Dark nights in shiny armor. Ebony, is Ebony a black girl? - Good guess. - But I mean, come on, why, though, the name. It's like me being called white Santino. - Double Anton. - Why, why be Ebony? Ebony is, it's a beautiful name. - Yeah. - But it is weird to be, if my name was Ivory, imagine how much hate you would get online. Racist, you fucking, he's a white nationalist. Ebony is such a good name. - Yeah, she's great. She's like, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian and she knows how to train Malinois's. Like, she's great with my dogs. - What's a Malinois? - Belgian Malinois? Those are like the military dogs. - Oh, yes. - Yeah. - She's experienced the military dogs and she's got, you gotta be good with dogs. - Yeah. - 'Cause they'll fuck you up. - Yeah. - Your dog weighs as much as you do? - Yeah. - I weigh like 112. - You fucking wish. - You track 100 on a fat day. - I'm dense. I'm very muscular. - You're like four-ten. - I'm five-one and three-quarters. - You're being hurtful again. - You wish you over five feet. You're a miniature. - I am five-one. - I feel like an NBA player next to you. - Yeah, that's good for your ego. (laughing) - Let's keep going. - I like that you showed feet on this 'cause the only fans will love. This will be nice. We'll have to edit those out. - This is good for retention. - Well, you have a special on only fans. - Oh, FTV, yes. Karen Fan, don't serve me. Check it out. Give it a watch. It's pretty good. - How long have you had not served, don't serve me? - Like eight years. - That's been on there? - Yeah, and I only relapsed once with it. - How was the relapse? - I mean, I call it a relapse, but I just started drinking again for a year. - One full year? - Yeah. - And then you got over it. - I was like, fine. - What was the tipping point to stop? - Which time? - This relapse time. - I just was like grossed out by myself. - Were you doing stuff that was unsavory for your own? - For my career, like people, like what, like talking shit, I was getting wasted at comedy clubs, just like embarrassing myself. - Who was talking shit about you? - Mm-hmm. - So you want to call them out and we'll fuck them out? - Well, I'll tell you what, and I say this. So after, one time, I called the Booker of the Stand of Fat F Word. I don't know if we can say that word. - Fan, a fat fan? - Yes, a fat fan. - Yeah. - To his face, like while I was in a blackout, and I like woke up the next day, and I was like tagged on Facebook. I was banned from the club. I had to like, roast battle my way back in. - Which I did. - But that's good. - Season two, comedy show. - You got to earn it back. You got to earn it back. And now you guys are okay. And we're great, best pals now. - Did he understand at the time that you were fucked up and that he let it go faster? - No. - No, it was brutal. I was not welcome there for a while. - Damn. - Yeah. - Oh, glad you got your shit together now. - I had to. I'm very grateful for my severe alcoholism. - Your parents too? - Well, yeah, like what, are they alcoholics? - Mm-hmm. - No, they're good. And I think it does skip a generation. - Really? - Yeah, my grandfather was really bad, and then he like quit drinking and would order virgin madruses when we would go out. - Well, the fuck is a madruses? - It's an orange and cranberry juice or whatever. And we're like, just say that, Kinka. Why do you have to bother the waitress so much? - Kinka? - Kinka. - Kinka, was your grandpa? - G-I-N-K-I, that's what we call it. - Kinka and what's grandma? - Nana. - Yeah, now that's cool for someone. Kinka's so much better. - Kinka was a good time. We got him electric shock therapy once he got a little depressed. - He had to knock the war out of him. - Yeah, we shocked the shit out of that guy. He was talking to birds for a while, but we just knocked that out of him. How do you think that starts? - I think my grandmother hit it for a while and then my grandmother died and we were like, what the hell? - She was really good. - Yeah. - She could bury all that shit. - Oh. - Those Irish dude, they could bury it. - Nothing to see here. - No, no, no, no, no. - Everything's fine, love. - Oh, do you want to mash potatoes? - Is grandpa chewing on the door? (laughing) - Try, he's just checking the hinges, love. - All right, sounds like he's chewing on the door. It is sad when you see the like, when my grandfather started to have his memory slip, it was kind of wild. But we all kind of did pretend like it wasn't happening. That is kind of a part of reality. The Irish do it the most. I think the Irish are the most like, oh, it's no big deal. - Denied, denied. - And like, wait a minute, no, that's, isn't that bad? And they're like, come on. - Oh, come on, everybody's doing it. Come on, you know what? - Everybody's talking to the birds. - Everyone's dealing with that. But I think the funny trick was my grandparents would always have manhattens. - Yeah, my grandmother loves manhattens. - She's a favorite manhattens. - Yeah. - I think at the very end, he wouldn't know if you got him a new one or not. - So if he said, get me another one, if you were like, we probably shouldn't serve any more booze, you could be like, that's a brand new one. - That's fresh. - You just, oh, okay. - During my grand father's eulogy, my mom gave it at the church and she was like, talking to my grandmother. His name was Grace, who's already dead or whatever. She's like, hey, mom, put down the manhattens. You're trying to take care of him again. 'Cause he had been living with my parents. (laughing) He was crazy. He hated my dad. My dad was from Dorchester. - Dorchester. - Yeah. - The wrong side of the tracks. He was a bad guy. They made him wait outside in the porch when it let him in. - Shut up. - So where to go? - What was he for a living? - He was in sales. - They didn't like a good old sales boy. - Yeah, no. - He was just like a little rough and tumble. Like he just, I don't know. He had like a scar on his forehead. - Smoked. - Smoked, drank, like ran with like, you know. - Trouble makers. - Yeah, I got kicked out of a lot of schools. - So did I. - Yeah. - Look at you now. - Yeah, look at us now. Successful on the internet. Give, show your dad the internet. (laughs) - Give him a show. - No way. - Give him a show. - My dad will never find me internet. - Do your parents watch your shit? Like, would they watch your special? - Yeah. - They're good, they're like that. - So some people, you say like that. Some people are like, my parents don't watch the shit. - Yeah, like my mom watches my podcast. My mom's been on my podcast a couple of times. - Really? - She's great. Maureen, she's a good guest, big Mo. She crushes. What? - Maureen. - Maureen. - Mo money. - Mo money. - That's what they call her, Mo money. - Yeah, they call my mom Mo. She used to be a teacher for like juvenile, the link wins. - Oh, she's a badass. - Yeah, she's, yeah. - Maureen's are always good people. Let's see how many aunts and uncles names we have. - Oh, this will be fun. - You ready? - Maureen. - Maureen. - Eileen. - Oh, I have no Eileen. - Kathleen. - No, you've got all these leans. - Well, do their Irish. - My sister's Colleen. - Colleen, we don't have a Colleen, which I'm shocked. We have kids, we have others, but Sheila. - Sheila, dad. - Boom, mine's a life. - Okay. - It was just her birthday. - Okay. - And then the uncles are Dan, no, no, Daniel. - No. - Tim. - Tim, cousin, Tim. - No, no, no, no. - Uh, uh, Marty? - No Marty, Mark, I got a map. - Patrick. - Patrick, second cousin, got Pat, Pat. Fiesta shows you to run the fair and give us free tickets to like the fair when it came to town. - And then Kevin and Michael. - Michael's my brother. - 'Cause he were in, dude. Well, we know Bob. - No Bob. - We know Bob. - We know Bob. - No Bob's. - No Bob's. - No Bob's. No Bob is too white for us. That's almost too white. Bob, Robert also feels a little British to me. - Robert. - Yeah, okay. - Robert. - I got a dead uncle Bob and a nephew, Robert. - Yeah. - And what is there? How many, your parents or how many kids? Your, your, your mom is one of how many? - One of six. - Dad is what? - One of three or four? - My mom's one of 10. - Oh shit, shit, shit, shit. - So we raised a gang. - Yeah, dude. - We were just trying to make a gang in case of a bad happen. - Yeah. - One of 10. And there's supposed to be 13. My grandmother had, you know, like miscarriages, you know. - Right, a couple. - He lose a couple on the way. - Three. - He put him in 13. - Oh my God. - I'm then fucking insane. - They just were pregnant the whole time. - Yeah, they were never, never. - There was a couple of Irish twins too. - Okay. - Which is even more fascinating that you have a kid that fast right after the other one. - Quick. - Well, cause God loves them more than they love us. That's why we don't have children. God hates us, dude. - God, keep hating God. - God loves us, God hates us. - Keep hating me, keep my pussy dying. - No, you would be a good mother. - You think? - Your energy is wonderful, yeah. - I am a good aunt. - That's what I mean. You have a great aunt. You would be a great mom. If you ever want, not like that. I hate when people, you'll be a good dad. I'm like, well, we try. We're good now, guess. - That's a great aunt. - No, but, you know, I do, I am a great uncle. So I do understand what it would be. It would be nice. - I do gravitate towards kids. So you have my buddy, Joe List on. - I fucking love Joe List. - That's my bestie. - We talked bad about you. - No, you didn't. You said nice things. I'll never believe you. He's my best friend. - No, no, he's one of the greatest guys alive. - Is any great? - One of the funniest comedians. - Oh, I love him. - I hate to say the word underrated. Cause that almost like it. - It has a weird connotation when you say underrated. - But it's not true. He is well known. I just think like he should be even more well known. That's the nicest way to say, like, people should pay more attention to people that are great Joe. - He's just a natural too. - Yeah, I just think some people, the comedy is, is, is born, yeah, instead of, instead of created. - What did he tell you about our workout class? - Yeah, that's, he showed up sweaty. - That was easy. - He's dripping wet. I had to give him a shirt. I was like, do you want a shirt from the back? He's like, I mean, that's a little weird. But I mean, I was like, well, there's shirt, there's merch shirts slaying around. Grab a blank tee. That way you're not sweating. He was dripping and sweating. And his phone was dying. - Yeah, I know. He could have had a charger because he has the old charger. - Old phone, I know. - I had no patience for that. - Who does? - Get a new phone. - Thank you. - Yeah, grow up. - Grow up. - That's time. Also, this charger's been out for like two years now. - So long. - There's no excuse for that. - I agree. - I'm not saying it's the phone that came out in October. - No, but come on. - Come on, Joe. - You're gonna keep running into this problem. - I know. I said, I bet you your wife has the new phone. She probably has the new charger. - She does. I think he got her the new one. Get yourself the thing to spoil yourself. - Come on, you deserve it. - He does, honestly. - Well, I convinced him to move to my neighborhood. - Oh, you got him over there. - Yeah, they were living in a story. And I was like, get the hell out of this Gaza-ass war zone. And come. - A story is the West Bank. - Yeah, they come to the good zip code. - Maybe sit. That's right. - Absolutely. You're the number one man. - I can't really get enough. They have a great kid. - That's part of the community that does go unnoticed of all the infighting that happens in the comedy world. It's nice when you find someone, when there are relationships that are actually nice that get on. - Yeah. - There's a couple still around. - Yeah, we can lean on each other. - We don't anymore. No one does anymore. Now it's this weird battle. I feel like everyone's divisive choosing sides over stuff that they know nothing about. - Oh, no. It's just so fucking weird, dude. - I just don't get mad about anything. - Why would you care? Why do you care? - I don't understand people caring. - I think when you know, what is the old stupid phrase is idle's hands of the devil's toy. It's kind of like when you're bored, it's easy to get angry. - Right, you're online. You're like, "I'll get enraged about this." - How about bullshit that doesn't mean anything to you? - I'm sure people care about my opinion. No, they don't. They stay up till 3 a.m. and you add a rotisserie chicken before bed. Nobody gives a shit. What you think about this. - You shut the fuck up and go to bed, man. - Go to bed. - Go to bed. - Or write jokes. One thing is when comedians get very vindictive or like, you know, start shit online. This goes for, just for anybody, regular people. Like when you end divulge yourself on the internet, just go to work, go do something that makes you feel good. Either go write jokes for a comic or go build something if you love to work with your hands or go out and fucking take a walk. - Right. - And I don't get it. - Be constructive. - I know. - Because deconstructing is the number one thing now. - That's what they do. They're like, "Oh, this front facing video is going to change lives." Wait till they hear what I think about this. - Wait. - It's like, shut up. - In here, we pour, whistle, whistle. - This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I love Squarespace. Thanks to them, I was able to design a website that looked great and not like a four-year-old drew it. Because I don't know what I'm doing. 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David Tells has been doing it for 30 fucking years. Right. There's nothing cooler. There's nothing more grounded. More like, you want to feel a comedy show? Yeah. It's not a club. It's not a comic club. Yeah. I love hilarities so much. Every time I'm in there. Everyone getting Cleveland. Yeah. I've never played. What? No, it's not for any other reason than it's never coming to my schedule and it worked. Oh, you've loved it. The food's awesome. The crowds are awesome. Everybody who works there is awesome. I got to play it. Trust me. Bobby says it to me all the fucking time. Nick. Nick. Is his name that runs it? Yeah. I always did small club runs. I never did what these guys do. Like a lot of East Coast guys. They'll do, you know, 40 clubs. Right. I'll do 10 to 12. Yeah. And then I'll work out local stuff. Because I want to stay close to home. Because for me to go anywhere. The fucking nightmare. Yeah. Takes forever to get over to you guys. It's true. So if I can stay on the West Coast and bounce around here. I'll just, you know, right. I got it. You guys get to be, you know, you can go to Philly. We can go to Philly today. Helium rules. Yeah. Well, there's I'm doing stress factory has a new club in Pennsylvania. I'm doing that. Where? Like Western PA? Yeah. I think. I'm trying to remember the name of the town. Up. Up. It's. It's like I'm doing at the 10th and the 11th. Like I'm landing. I'm going back on the 9th and then going to Pennsylvania right away. I'm never going to see my dog again. No. It's fine. Ebony's got a hold of her. Ebony. Ebony's got a hold of that time. I'm doing a show in the New York comedy festival. I'm co-headlining with Stacey Kay. I don't know if you're familiar. She's a transgendered comedian. She's quite funny. It presents as more female than I do for sure. Stacey Kay. Stacey Kay. She's big on Twitter. She's got a lot of opinions. I like it. I want to look her up right now just so I can see what you're doing. She did. Yeah. She's a beauty. She did my podcast in like the first 30 seconds. She just starts making jokes about Charlie Kirk. I was like, all right. You can do whatever you want. Stacey Kay. I think it's Kay. I have to. I just want to see. Kay. Why? C-A-Y. C-A-Y. Stacey Kay. That's what you just said. That's what she's funny. Well, she's born a biological male. Of course, she's going to be funnier than me. God bless. Finally, somebody had meted it. All these female comics are getting strong. Wow. They weren't always female comics. What did she's open and chose for you? She's work co-headlining for the New York Comedy Festival. We're doing a show together. November 8th. I've been done that in so long. November 8th. Go see Stacey Kay. I don't know. I don't know. What? I don't know. I'm sorry. November 8th. I'm in Boston on November 7th. What are you playing? The hideout. I never played that. It's good. yeah back back in the day day I did laugh boss yeah yeah and then I did Wilbur Wilbur yeah but the Wilbur I love the Wilbur Wilbur is probably one of the best I was supposed to open for Joe there and then I think I went to Austin or something that could do the mothership calls you got to go down did you headline the moisture no just I think I just did spots I probably had lined the creek oh yeah that's right what yeah that's right they're down I always forget that they're down there now yeah but they still have a creek in New York right now it's gone yeah because she moved that's right why would you keep both I don't know if you could actually get that yeah yeah that's like the old old guys you know as you're those like you don't even know not about danger fields you're like I doubt well it's Rodney's now is that what it is yep yeah I did a Corolla's podcast yesterday he's doing Rodney's this weekend that's great how was that how was Adam's day oh it was fun yeah a good time I have a great time with him yeah we align on a lot of things mostly that anti-semitism and full gear back again did Adam's fun I only did a show one time but it's hard to get a beat in there over there you gotta yeah you gotta work yeah it's like doing old radio yeah like Opie and Anthony or something like that where you're like you gotta work your moment you got to shoot the jab pick your spots that's what it is sniper not over here did I let you fly free you to floor is you're very give and take your comedy giver I am you are I haven't taken a years no no look like a bottom no I don't I'm sorry you know I look like a top take it back top of the morning I look like a top of the morning how much of a morning to you oh do we try to watch that Guinness show have you seen that they get the house of Guinness why why are you mad because it's not historically accurate it's not supposed to be I like violence you don't like the guy holding the thing I've only watched one episode you watch the pilot yeah yeah the guy what is that what is that weapon he puts it on and he just starts punching people that guy is so hot to that's why you like it that guy is a bunch of hot guys yeah half of the cast isn't even Irish you're good give Ireland back to the Irish that these fucking brits out of here did I have these guys are from the UK I was like get the fuck out of here man you can't I don't agree with that you got to be I make let the show be all Irish people for fuck's yeah you know we can plan about that in the United States about equality and our equity and all this stuff and you're like okay it's like saying it's a it's a black show it's like well then yeah you'd cast black people say it's an Irish show well in cast what your fucking Irish maybe they did and they all showed up hammered the first day that's where people that's fucked up dude give Ireland back to the Irish go off Ireland I love hearing the first cat is Belfast the first cat I think is from the office I looked we we did some googling well because I was like how many of these guys have because some of the accents I was like the fuck is that yeah well you heard Jude law and black rabbit sounds like an idiot Jude love oh oh and then in an abatement show yes wait but the show is good Bateman's great I like the story I can't get past Jude law trying to have a New York accent is that what he's trying it's not really New York he sounds like an idiot sounds like a guy who's from another city that moved to New York but that wants to be from New York what if it's deliberate maybe Jude worked very hard on that no he did it I'm calling him up Jude Jude get in here hey Jude fuck we are gay dude I like the show though as a whole I thought it was a good I'm not done with it only because Joe because Bateman did a great job I love Bateman and I think he's excellent he's one of the best I agree he can do anything he can't so versatile there's a couple of things he can't do ain't no I'll tell you off screen ain't full stuff he's not in a foot stuff okay I said come on okay he said save it save it for someone you think of him about him in frickin the funny show the acid not care but yeah I said about me and then compare that character to black or Ozark yeah so good he's great he is well we'll stop sucking him off why he's not here okay Jayson did you watch task get into task now see I don't know as much time as you do I I'm not playing with my some people watch all these shows and they're already done I'm just getting in I'm just I'm in the beginnings of all these shows was the time you turn on television watch just like TV TV not a show what what do you mean see what do you remember when we'd watch like you'd pop on like we'll fortune her family you don't watch it nobody watches those when I go home and visit my family we watch jeopardy I'm old school I still watch that shit what is it what I watch family feud I watch jeopardy I watch we'll fortune are you good at jeopardy no the wheel I'm good at my brother in laws on the spectrum just a touch he could do it kills it jeopardy Rick Lastman's brother was on it and fucking did great dominated he did fantastic I mean you know that's impressive to me that turns you on yeah well you're gonna hate the McCone doesn't know shit that's gonna fuck you up he's 12 years old let's get you a new guy I'm ready you are you are you are let me tell you something but no apps no I've never been on the I know they're working on the apps every friend I have his heart broken from the apps it doesn't even feel like it adds up at some point I feel like it's just an empty waste I'm just like one Google away from them just like deciding who I am okay what if they come okay what if you meet a guy and he doesn't know you it says oh I didn't know your comedian and they said I'd like to come see you this is what guys do what do you what do you do I usually say no like that guy think that that's a first date it's crazy yeah it's weird I like a guy did he like stop me on this street we flirted in the street I was like this is gonna be great he works in finance yada yada and he's like so like what do you do I was like I'm a comic he's like oh I want to come to a show I was like yeah maybe like down the road but like maybe like let's go to dinner first Google's me finds out the stand schedule shows up to a show well we're never gonna talk to you again without me knowing I know and then I leave after my spot because I'm not a lingerer like I like if I don't have another set I'm gonna go home I'm out of there yeah he's like DM he's like where'd you go I was like you were there I think I talk shit about him like while I was on stage I was like this guy rang me down on the street he's in my phone his street Ryan right now he's there crying in the back with his friend it's such a weird move that's weird he tried that's kind of like our grandparents are what's like I walked her to the I walked her bus stop every day it's like harassment really it's really stalking yeah it's stocky behavior it's coming to my job and we just met I know well you can do me I don't even my wife is I whenever I'm like going on tour to like warm warm up and work out yeah she's like do you want me to go I'm like no I don't want you to see me at my fucking dumb job doing my stupid little dance me like working stuff out it does suck when especially when someone you love watches you'd work out shit you're like I this is the vulnerable I fucking hate it well only because they don't care right but you're like I feel like I just kind of want the freedom to it's like it's like jerking off yeah it's like you could jerk off together but it's like I can I just go jerk off and then in front of the strangers let me do it in front of the strangers so I don't have to sleep next to yeah please subscribe to my only fans you've never put up bad girl content have you no never oh wow you didn't know that about me I didn't know I have a podcast called Only Fiends yeah but I don't know if you put bad girl content up there I do and I mean God it's so PG-13 it's not that bad it's no nudes it's nudes oh it is nude it's just tame ass nudes yeah like how you go you didn't know that about me no I didn't that's that's surprising why so I feel like everybody knows that about me I don't really care about I don't care about much anyway what it's it a unique yeah I'm a unit unique I just don't care I don't know if I maybe because you're married maybe but I but also that maybe you're noble no I just don't give a fuck about that stuff I don't know it doesn't really matter to me I don't know maybe if I did here it did it's a lame well that people like go back and like like on pods and shows and stuff to like take do you still put shit up on it or not sometimes yeah once in a while why not get that fucking money dude I'm so pro that shit I like fucking money I've never full stream I've never seen it this sounds like a lie people you're I've never seen it I have seen that it exists but I've never like been on it to like pay for it or whatever yeah but when I heard it but I thought what a great fucking idea yeah why I mean like I don't even know why you wouldn't say go ahead do it fucking there's money you got nice you got nice tats to show the kids even if you don't yeah even if you got ugly tits man make a couple of bucks somebody like them some people can make crazy money we I think we were talking about that girl oh the new girl like the young girl it's me like 50 million or something right something absurd ridiculous money god damn dude they tax the halal I had to get an accountant though what do you mean they tell you how much they take well they take 25% but then I think like when you start making that much money you forget that the government is coming for a lot of yeah that's not your money no no the guy who owns that ass and them titties yeah uncle Sam good luck uncle Sam's got a big hard on I got an accountant immediately I was like you got to start making sure that this goes this because you were making real money yeah like my first year they were like oh you will 40 grand in taxes I was like what's in that's so fucking that's unbelievable I was like it's in my like suitcase it's in all my bags you know these designer verses I bought can you guys take Louis I'll give you one of my used Louis as a payment can I just send like a picture like my vagina who's in charge of the IRS that's so funny we saw Karen's vagina we cleared her taxes we let her go it was good enough I'm not responsible and I need somebody in charge of that stuff of your money you're bad with that shit yeah I want your grown you need to know better put the money away so you pay for you know I pay a man a monthly fee to do it for me say you need a man once again you guys can operate you need you do need a Jewish man I got a very Jewish man he yells at me sometimes he's a Karen I know you eat healthy but this month it's a lot of food what do you do and it's a lot of he watches you like that he's yeah he's on top of me because what a big month for you is a bad month like you're you don't know you have no spending control sometimes I'm getting better I'm getting better I'm tight in my belt what's the what's food to snap I mean what are you going to eat the nice restaurants all the time yeah see I have this crew of like dog moms it's not even me and you pay for everybody something like it's like we'll take turn sometimes or it'll go on my card and then they'll ban me I'm like I'm like Russell they ban mode me like I'm But then I just have a fact them all and then most fake don't do that when people like all Venmo You it's like don't I don't want to find I don't want Venmo for oddly is like monopoly money I mean just get this out of here. Yeah, I don't I don't agree with that if I go out with a group of friends Well, there's different rules for different certain. Yeah Yeah, sometimes you have to pay for like if we're out with the kids with our with our employees We have you gonna pay your bigger. You're gonna cover it. You have to yeah, you don't have a choice We have the openers you have to do all the right things. Yeah, those are all right things But then what if it's a group of friends real friends. Yeah, talk time. Tell me. No, it's either like you know my turn your turn I keep a little bit of tabs on whose turn yeah a little bit But if you really want to have fun you play credit card roulette you throw them down and like pick put them in a hat and somebody picks one I let the server pick you shake it and let the server pick it's good Then it's on nobody then no one's mad. It's like she picked a card and that's what it it is, but Yeah, I can't do the whole like You keep paying for stuff and not saying anything then you're gonna get taken advantage of it true Someone's like I have like a friend who like I just I know she's like oh, we're going somewhere And I was like her exercise class. This is a small example. She teaches no, but like it was her like People we're going to her teacher. I was like her kettlebell class and I was like oh with time when we leaving and she goes Well, I usually take the train so we would leave at nine if if I was going by myself I would take the train and you're like I'll get a car. I'm like what is the implication here that I'm going So we take a new burn. She's like well. Yeah, that's how but that's how I am. I don't know how to not be that you can't take the train I have I've seen it. I've smelled it. You you don't take the train. It's wretched down there But you're not really a trained girl You're not rugged enough. You're a little too dainty or too fit. You're too famed to be a trained girl I know you dress too nice you do train train people are much more like They're city people. They're city people. You can't you have to have a backpack and tivas. You're a suburban girl in the city a little back You're fancy in the city. Yeah, I take my little plane from JFK to nantucket. You're taking that plane. No, there's like ten seats on it. I'm not you Everybody has their very Bradley Duffles. I'm not you. That's a great. I don't play that game. Come on. I come to nantucket. No, fuck that. One time somebody offered They were going down to play in this this turn of his golf tournament event and he goes you'd love it He goes, oh, we're gonna take a helicopter down there. I said abs a fucking loop. You know he goes. No, you got blade It's a great of helicopters. What the fuck they took Kobe? I'm not gonna get Yeah, there was a really bad crash him and hadn't like maybe three or four months ago Because they go out to the Hamptons all the time and everyone that does that. I'm like do you get in a car? I'd rather get in a car with some friends and listen to me. I'm not doing that game. They seem reckless these helicopter pilots foolish I don't know. It's goofball shit. It looks fake. It also doesn't look like a real thing The wheel itself looks fucking wacky. I don't like that. This is a video game and you're playing with my life No, I know. Thank you. Those things look so unstable I think I've seen him enough crash when I was a kid and like Batman when he had that little Yeah, and I was like no, no, no, I don't like that my uncle though had like a two or four-seater whatever plane He got like a pilot's license. This is after his divorce. He married a lesbian by accident that really sent him He like put her through college and then it turned out she was a lesbian So he's like didn't turn out. He just found out. I know brutal all the sudden one Christmas aunt Claire comes in with like a kid in play haircut She's got a flat top. We're like what the hell? She's like what's up dogs? Claire What is up? What happened? So then my uncle was just like a permanent bachelor. Just like spending his money. He had like a new girlfriend every year and he bought a plane Wow, and he took us up in it and he was reckless as hell. Yeah, no, not doing that. Not doing that with uncle Frank He died in a plane crash. He died obese in a trailer in Florida. No, that's so sad. It's so sad. Wait, that's how it went down he spent all his money. Yeah, he spent all his money ended up in a trailer He worked for 9x. He got a sad card because he was in the commercials. He like sold phone books. Phone books became obsolete But somehow he kept his job and like cats like working there and stuff and kept like making more money I don't know. He had the gift of gab. Everybody loved him. It's total scam, aren't it? He's great, but then yeah, he just slowly burned through all his money moved down to Florida. Ah, side in a trailer. Oh my god Where where were part of Florida like about like near Jacksonville or something North Florida too. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't good. Pretty tough. Yeah, poor Bob Rest in peace Bob. We love you my dog. He was the best. He's looking up at us right now No, I'm getting Bob. Oh you know, he was a good hang when I was still drinking and like we were both drinking at the same time I was in college and he would roll through with his buddies. They were in their 50s and my college friends were their 20s and around like Uncle Bob around like midnight one a.m. He'd always looking. We go, all right, Uncle Bob's going to bed before It becomes dirty Uncle Bob. Oh gross Bob. He would leave though. He was never bad. He did the right thing. He didn't even He sought the wrong thoughts. He did the right thing, but his friends would hang out. Oh, yeah, Freddie stayed too long every time. Did Freddie ever hang with a friend of yours? No, I don't know. Maybe maybe Jane the brain. Jane the brain. Jane gave brain, huh? You know, Jane. Where'd you go to school for them? Mary mountain hatton. Oof. Kind of. I know you're so smart. Oh, I had a presidential scholarship. I was wicked smart. Look at you now. Look at me now. A lot of concussion players for fucking my yeah, you got CTE now. I fucking might. Yeah trust me. I feel like I do sometimes. The older I get the more I'm like I'm my brain doesn't work like you used to. Maybe I'm forgetting a lot of stuff. Really? It could have been the sauce. It could have been the weed for fucking 20 years. Do you still drink or now? Yeah, little. Yeah, I do. But not a lot. Not like I used to when I was young. Right. And no more drugs. Yeah. Sometimes. But not like not like when I used to just be I used to be more free with drugs. I'd be like, I'll take drugs. Okay. But now I'm like. Not really. It's got to be kind of a special occasion. Special occasion. Special night. You know you have nothing to do the next day. It's my birthday coming up. I'll do mushrooms at my house with some friends. Okay. Take a couple chocolates and like hang by the pool. Oh, that's very tame. Pretty simple. Yeah. And not I don't go deep anymore. I'm not going to like go on an adventure and be like, hey, let's go to this you know warehouse party and take drugs. No, but I used to love doing a wild shit like that. It's me too. It's fun. Disappeared at the night. Oh my god. I would I would just we would never stop. It's fun. It would just the sound of becoming up. We just get a new bag of cocaine. We'd be a brunch. Bloody marries. Why not, dude? Let's go back. Nothing hurt. Nothing hurt. Well your body repairs itself quicker than you can feel the pain. But now. Oh god. In my 40s and it's not that way. I even like I don't drink but if I hang out late, like I will feel like I have a hang over the next day. I know. Like we should pal used to do like the parties that they still does like parties at the stand and I would like go to them once in a while just you know, be in the mix. And I would wake up the next day and be like, was that worth it? I don't know. I don't think so. What's the drink when you're not drinking now when you're out? So guy. Coke. Like pineapple juice. I like a ginger beer. Cute. These mocktails are so annoying though. They're like $17 and they're not good. No, they taste terrible. I don't even play that game anymore. I either have a diet coke if I'm not drinking when I'm out. Oh, I will say the new revolution of like double zero beers are pretty good if you're going to. That just makes me want a real beer though. I mean me too, but it's like if I know it's a night where I'm like I don't want to drink then I'll just double zero, honey or something like that. That's good. It's not that bad. It used to be fucking bad. Like back. We're not back. St. Paulies or whatever. Oh, duels. Oh, duels. Yeah. You said you old duels. The fakies. I just get fat. You can't get fat. Have you ever been fat? You were fat when you were a kid? I was nine pounds and I was born. They used to come with under thighs. Big bitch. Big bitch. I was only 7-11. Smoked you dog. Yeah, but look at who won that war. Look at who kicked the shit out. You don't want that genetic war. Look at the size of me now. Look at you. You kept going down. I kept going up. I'm getting fatter as time goes on. I want to be fat like Uncle Bob and live in the trailer. Do you? I think it's kind of a fun way to go. It's a slow suicide. I'm very depressing. But you don't know how much fun he was having. I mean, he might have been. I don't know. I think these like twins found him in his trailer. So maybe he was having fun. Yeah. They found him. They fucked him to death. Oh God. Uncle Bob. 30 Uncle Bob. After all that crazy hanging out with you and your college friends. Yeah. Scratch weird fun. Scratch fun. That was always a thing in college. Someone would come around. He's my buddy Daniel and his uncle is like his uncle's 46. Right. What is he doing here? He's hanging out with us. No, he's right. He can get us whatever we want. I showed up with my headshots one time. We like met up at a bar. I wanted to show my uncle. I was like, look, I got new headshots. And he takes him out of the envelope, start handing him out in the bar. He's like, look at this. This is my niece. She's on sale. I was like, those were $900. I need those. Did you get any jobs with those? No. No. So Bob was right. Get rid of those. Yeah. Get rid of that. So waste your money and time, man. You were you wanted to be misactress, huh? Yeah, I got a degree in acting. I was in the Boston Ballet when I was growing up. I got kicked out of that because I was never going to be like a premium ballerina because I was too short. I thought they're all short. Am I wrong? No, like your premium, like your lead ballerinas are taller. They're like 510. They have small heads. Very skinny. But like I was they were like, you'll be the first Willie like in Giselle, the ballet. Like you'll be like the number one in the chorus because you're the shortest. But I don't want that. What did you want? I wanted to, you know, I wanted to make the other ballerinas laugh. That work? Yeah. I think I'm going to do comedy. What do you comedy? What year were you when you started hold? When I started comedy. Yeah. I was probably like my like my first open mic or whatever. I was probably like 24, 25. Okay. So you knew early. Yeah. But I was such a booze hound that I like sticked around for a long time. Well, everybody. But also because you're so unsure of what it is. Yeah. You kind of fall for that. That's so true. You just start like calling yourself a comedian. You do an open mic and you're like, I'm a stand-up comedian now. Yeah. Are you? Yeah. It's hard to commit when it's not real. Yeah. Yeah. You're kind of like, you're hoping it comes to fruition. But that's why I think a lot of us kind of avoid it. That's why you like drink or party or like you fuck around so much in your 20s because you're like, if it doesn't work out, I'll feel less bad because then you can go, wow, I was fucking around. I was just kidding. - I know, it's fucking I wanna do that shit. - I know, then you dig your heels and you're like, no, I really wanna do this. - You don't have a choice, then you have to really go for it. - Yep. - And if you fail then, then you're like, - It's humiliating. - You end up in a trailer down there in the floor. Oh, stop, I'm sorry. I keep referencing you because it just makes sense. Bob was a comedian. - He was funny. - Bob was a comedian, yeah, I'm sure the funniest guy does end up in a trailer. - He would repeat the same jokes. He would bend his straw, his cock down, be like, I got a drinking problem. - Oh my God, Bob. Dad jokes are great, give me another dad joke 'cause he ever wants it, he used to give it to me. - He got really fat, he like, I'm so fat and running out of skin. (laughing) - So dumb. Dad jokes are so good for some reason, they're just. - You would say it all the time, we would repeat them. Like, they were brand new to us. - And you left? - Of course. - Rest in peace, Bob, I'm so sorry. We even defamed you a little bit on the show. - He's laughing right now, he's loving. He loves attention. - Where do you think he is right now? - He's in heaven, for sure. He had good intentions, he just. - Well, you're not a Catholic anymore, are you? - I don't know, lately I've been kind of believing, I don't know what it is, something, I've been believing. - You mean you believe in something again? - Yeah. - That's a good sign. - Is it? - Yeah, you can't fall through life being dissonant forever. - I don't know, yeah, I try to be generous, I try to do acts of service and stuff. - What are you doing for acts of service? - I try to offer my time to people when it's available. - For help in any way. - Yeah, like Joe and Sarah, Joe was on the road, and this is one example of whatever, and I just hit Sarah up and I go, hey, I have time this morning, if you want to go take a workout class, I'm happy to come watch Marty. - Oh my God, that's really sweet. - And she took me up on it, you know, and then there's endorphins all around, like the begets, you know, happiness begets other happiness. - This is very cool, I found myself in this enough, I'm doing this. - It feels good, right? - I'm doing it more, I'm trying to do more charity shit. - Yeah, people don't realize how, like, time itself, like just being generous with your time, you don't have to have money to be generous. - No, no, it costs nothing. You just have to, like, want to do that. You just have to, like, give yourself to do it, you know? - Like, have the idea and actually be like, I'm actually gonna offer this, I'm not just gonna, like, think about it. - Right, but people feel you might be wanting something in return. - They do. - A lot of people, not all, I'm sure they don't. - No. - But a lot of people do feel it's this in January, it's because there's a lot of that today where it's a lot of me, me, me, everything's me. - I know, people are all playing, like, these, like, chess games. Like, I'll do this for you, if you do this for me. - Well, the Instagram birth that, I do believe the internet ruined genuine offers because now everything feels like it's tied to something else 'cause people want things. I think a lot of people now want things that are unobtainable. - Yeah. - But they think they are more than ever because the internet, you used to just be like, - You're so right. - I'm never gonna do that or look like that or have that, and who cares? - But then the pandemic happened and people got famous off TikTok, we're doing nothing and everybody thinks they can do it. - Yeah, and you know what? They can't. - They can. - That's the craziest part, let 'em let, do whatever you wanna do. - Fart in a jar. - Fart in a jar. Do you have you done this? - No, I'm not against it. (laughing) I follow a lady who does. - She farts in a jar. - And sells it. - How much? - She's rich. I don't know. Do you wanna put you in touch? - She fart in a jar and got rich from it. - Yes. - And guys just hoff it. - They must. - No, I think a lot of guys just keep because it's a funny bit. - I think they like see the video and they're like, that's my fart. She did that one for me. - That's mine. - Yeah. - Look at that, that's our little fart. - Like grabbing a kiss. - That's our little fart. - Now you're thinking like a leprechaun. (laughing) - But I'll tell you that is bad for her business-wise 'cause you don't get returned customers. - Right, one fart and you're out. - Right, that's bad. What is that called? The repeat customer ratio is terrible. You really need them to come back. - Do you really think like a businessman? - Yeah, I do. That's my whole job. I'm not gonna accommodate. I gotta think about the business part of it all. - Money, money, money. - Yeah, see, I will say that's what I would do. I put an expiration date on the fart and be like, you know this does wear off after a week. You should order a new one. Or it'll be a little tiny hole that's slowly leaked as soon as you get it. - Yeah. - The fart's out, dude. Farts out of the bag. - This is. - Farts out of the jar. - This is good stuff. - Farts out of the jar, you might as well. - You're thinking of like tagline? - Have any guys come up, have done successful only fan stuff? - No, unfortunately there's just not the audience. - It's gotta be. There's a bunch of lonely older women that wouldn't want to see a young hot guy. - I'm paying for it though, like. - You're not an older lonely woman. (laughing) - It was like that's directly, I mean. - No, look at what those divorce season, like they're 60s and you know, they're not gonna get married again. Like I was talking to my buddy the other night about his mom, you know, the dad passed away and I asked if his mom would ever go seek love again and he was like no fucking way, dude. She would never, this is it for her. I think there's a lot of women that are like that. - Yeah. - And she needs a little bit of love too. She needs something fun. Let's make something just for women who are, you know, widows. - Yeah, maybe if they have like, you know, some disposable income, maybe, maybe they'd be into it. I just don't know if the supply and demand is there. I guess I'll cancel that business plan then. I was thinking about it pretty good. - You could pencil it and, you know, come back to it. (laughing) - Like maybe older gay guys buying like stuff from like Twinkie guys, you know. - I've had requests from some guys. - I bet you have. - I've had a couple, but I just can't fulfill it. - They send you the green outfit. But like just put this on. - Put it on, yeah. I will put it on, I just won't take the pictures. (laughing) - That's for me. - I sent it, I just sent it back, I can't do it. There was a guy for a long time who sent me a Weiner dick pics all the time. - Really? - My DMs, yeah. - I don't like a dick pic. - Am I a request folder, yeah? - I don't know, for some reason. - Well, no one has a nice enough penis to translate. It's almost like the Grand Canyon. It looks nice in person, but out of photo, you're like, "That's, who cares?" - I don't want that to be anything. I don't like that you like it. - Penises? - Yeah. - I don't really like them. - No, not you, but like the person sending them. I don't like this, like, yeah. - I think they like the idea of, of, of, uh, it's almost like, you don't, I think, the guys that send a lot of dick pics, it's not because they feel like it's gonna get sexualized. I think it's a point of, uh, it's like power. It's like, look at them. - Like, oh yeah, you're right, yeah. - It's like a power thing for them. - Sometimes they're like long and skinny though. Sometimes it feels like a prank. - It's like a little tube, a little twizzler. - Yeah. - Like a doodle. - Like ramen. - Have you had someone send you a dick pic and it's like very, very small? Like, comically small? - Yeah. - That's a good bit. - That's a prank. - See, that's funny. - That's a good prank. - I think that's way too small dick is so much funnier as a photo than a big dick. - That's like a lot of the naked roast battleers 'cause I judge the naked roast battles at Skank Fast. - Does the naked roast battle? - Yeah, you gotta come. - You gotta come. - And now they keep asking me, gotta go, I gotta go. And every time they really come. - How this year? - Every time I'm always like, I'm on the road. I'm doing shows. - Yeah. - When is it, where's Vegas again? - No, it's New Orleans. - Oh. - I'm really bad at it. - My least favorite city, now I'm kidding, now I'm kidding, I'm kidding. - I've only been once. - It's like November, third week in November. - And shit, my tooth on a crawfish down there. - Did you? - Oh yeah, this front one is really embarrassing. It's got a cap on it now, or a bond or whatever. Got a bond, it goes high. - But a lot of those naked roast battleers have micro-penises. - Well, that's sort of the so good of red and jokes. - Yeah. - You gotta have something. - And it'll be like a little like Bob Ross Afro and then like the penis. - With the little tiny penis. - So why do they wanna be naked so bad 'cause they don't care at this point? - They must just not have shame or something. - And what about the chicks? - Chicks are hot, a lot of the chicks look good. - That's why they do it. - Yeah. - 'Cause they're hot and they're like, "I want you to see my body." - And some of them are very good roast joke writers. It's just one chick, Lexi, who's got a perfect pair of huge tits and she just kills. - Lexi? - Yeah. - And what do they do this for? They do this on where? What do you do? - So it's like a closed show, like nobody's allowed to have their phones, that's gang fast. - And they put the phones in the bags or whatever? - They'll bag the phones. You know, they make you pinky swear and not to describe anyone's genitalia on a podcast. - Yeah. We're gonna put the guys name up right here. - But yeah, it's super fun. - But a micro penis is so weird. Do you get naked when you judge? - I just get topless 'cause I don't want my pussy out. - Right. - I don't want like, what if like a bug crawls in there or something? - It's not even a real thing. - I don't want to sit on. - Do you think a bug wants to go in there? - Yeah. - It is one of my fears. You know, they like pull like, I saw this video, they pulled like a crab out of a kid's ear the other day. - I did see that on the end. - Did you see that? - Really creepy. - I just worry that like, that's why I'm not really into camping. I don't know. - You're not also not a kid. - You're like lying in the dirt sideways. - I might be the last guy. - The last guy I did was very poor. He might have made me go, can't think of my state in that. - Who is this guy? - He was an open-micro with a stage name. (laughing) - You're thinking about it now, huh? - No, it was, I have a problem. I fall in love too fast and hard. - You do, yeah, you love bombin' all that shit? - Well, I guess, I don't know, I don't say I fall in love that fast, but like, one time in love, it's hard to get me out of it. Like, you can like, treat me bad and I'll be like, he doesn't mean it. - No one's ever hit you though. - No, nobody's ever hit me. But I somehow, I've been saying this. I respond to bad behavior. I think 'cause like, my dad was like in like, not very communicative, not very overly emotional, not flowery language. But like, I know how much my dad loves me. Like, would like die for me. - Yeah. - I used to practice my monologues in front of him and he would keep his eyes shut. And my mom's like, what are you doing, like, watch her? And he goes, nah, nah, I can hear her better this way. I keep my eyes shut. - Probably true. - You're hard to look at, but you're nice to listen to. I like your dad. - So, I feel like with guys, if they kind of like, breadcrumbs me a little bit, I really, really want some runs. - Oh, the Hansel and Greta love it all. - Sucks though, 'cause if a guy's like, really into me and is like, you're the best, you're so beautiful. Let me treat you great. I'm like, you suck. - And you're a liar. - And you're a liar. - No, yeah, if he's too nice, it's time to turn off. - You want to be abused? - A little. I want to be abused within once in a while, you're nice. - Give me sweetness sometimes. - Yeah, 'cause then it feels like I earned it. - Well, let's not say I share that, 'cause then guys are gonna be texting you now for an iron's gonna see this and be like, fuck you. You like me? (laughing) Do you like me now? - You're playing a character and I'm like, yeah. - Yeah. What's the longest you've been in a relationship? - Oh. I was I dated guy. for like almost eight years, like bless you. I'm like my whole 20s. - You lived together? - Yeah. - Terrible, huh? - Yeah, I was really bad. I was like, I had just realized I was an alcoholic. We were a mess. - Not a comic. - No, he was an actor. And then he tried to do stand up after we broke up. And I actually even tried to help him a little bit, but he failed. - Okay, so that didn't end well. Is he still an actor? - Yeah, but you know, he's still a bartender too. - Uh-oh, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini, mini. Are you friends with any of your exes? No. - Yeah. I dated Louis J. Gomez. We are friends. I dated a guy I'm gonna see tomorrow. - Here in LA? - Here in LA, yes. We dated while he lived in New York. - Do I know him? - Nope, he's not a comic. - Oh, okay. - He's a personal trainer. - Ooh. - I'm gonna go work out tomorrow with him. - What's his initials? - TM. - Tommy. - Yeah. He's so hot. But we came from very different backgrounds. We were never gonna work. - He's like a Bronxdale. - Yeah. - He was black. I wasn't. - He was a trust fund kid. - Oh. What did it work about that? That sounds great. - So the thing about trust fund kids is like, get that money. - They're cheap though, because it's not their money. - Not yet. - I know, but I don't have the patience. - You don't have a way for them to die. - He yelled at me. He's like, "Oh, buy you a fucking house. If you just chill out." - Well, what do you chill out? - Like that. - Because you can have a house. But you have to live in LA. You're not moving LA. - I'd also have to like, you know, like his mom. Like that's where the money was coming from. - Well, when they die, they're gone. You just wait till them to die. - Like, she's still with us, I don't know. - Oh, she is, I'll never mind. That wasn't gonna work. You hate LA or you like LA? - I like LA. - Good. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's nice. - Say nice things about us. We're low right now. - Why are you guys feeling down? - No, no. We're just the cities on the bottom of the barrel. I mean, it's just not working. What do you think it needs? I'll tell you what, lifetime gyms, I belong to lifetime. They're in every other goddamn city except for this one. - Yeah, we got a lot of other bullshit gyms here. - We got other bullshit but they won't want me to like come in for an assessment and do a trial. I can't-- - I don't, I don't go to those. I don't do that shit. - What else? What do you think you guys need to-- - For the government, just the local government stop fucking around and letting people shoot shit everywhere else, make Get Hollywood back here. - Yeah. - Yeah, stop fucking around. You know, they keep letting these tax breaks go and people are shooting everything everywhere else but here. So it's just taking away money from this place. - Yeah. - All these fucking hardcore lefty liberal liars that live in this city and they're all fine with shooting outside of the city. These are the loud mouth fuckheads that should be piping up the most and going shoot in LA. - So weird. - Get filming back to LA and they say they are but they're fucking not because every one of these actors will take any job no matter where it is. They have no, they pretend like they have these moral high grounds but they're fucking liars. They got on award shows and say all this bullshit about politics and then they won't stand up for the only city that birthed Hollywood and that supported their careers and they were young. They're all sell out liars. Hollywood is fucking liars. - Fonies. - And yeah, they posture, they pick the social thing to care about. - Whatever it falls. - Yeah, if it's cool. - In the moment. - But the city is falling apart. People who work real jobs here in the business can't afford to live here, you know, grips, gaffers, electricity. Like people who like really build fucking Hollywood. - Right. - There's no jobs here right now. I mean, it's fucking empty. And the job's seen as low. - So they're taking tax breaks to shoot in other places? - Yeah, huge tax fucking breaks. Shoot Australia, I shot a movie down there. They give you fucking tons of money back. Hungry, Budapest, they shoot a bunch in Atlanta. They shoot in the States. They shoot in Vancouver and Canada all the fucking time. - Right. - They'll shoot anywhere but away. - And you've got all these studios here. - So much new shit right here in Burbank. Not too far away. They've built all these new stages. I don't know what they're planning. Maybe those are bunkers for rich people when the fucking revolution happens. But I just feel like it's like where is all these jobs? I don't feel like there's a lot of work. I don't see a lot of people working. - Because the people writing in the scripts live here are a lot of them, no? - Everybody lives here. I mean, not as much anymore. A lot of people left pandemic shaved this place down. - Yeah. - Pandemic and then the writers strike. - People. - There's a lot of creators still here. Of course. But I mean, I think like those people that have a lot of money who have lived here for years, they're fine. But you're talking about the people who make Hollywood happen for real. - Yeah. - Like the fucking worker bees. - Right. - Yeah. How are they going to stay living in this fucking place? - How are they going to live without jobs? - Also, you know, like PAs or assistants or people that are doing their actual ground work. Like the real fucking humans of the city. How can they afford a rip-off rent when there's no jobs for even, and even if they do get a fucking job, a one-bedroom apartment is three grand or whatever, 2,500 in the city somewhere. - Yeah. - You know, you can move way out. - Yeah. - But it's a fucking rip-off. - And the jobs are like, it's not necessarily steady. It's like, you get one, then you don't know when your next one's going to be. - Yeah, and it used to be more flush 'cause there was more work here. - Yeah. - But you could bounce, a lot of people could bounce, you know? - Right. - I don't know if that's a thing. I mean, you know, so I don't know. So I love this city, but I'm also fucking mad at it. - Right. - And people like, done just move. It's like, well, that's easier to say. - I know. - I hate people who do just leave. It's like, you can't fucking uproot your entire life. - No. - We also built this podcast. - Right. - And we built the studio. We employ people. Like, what are we going to fuck them off in this place? - They abandon them. - We don't do that. What do we do? We help. - We help each other. (laughs) Anyway Anyway, I'm going to move to New York. And I'm moving in. Can we move in with you? - Yes. - My wife and I move in New York apartment. - Of course, I have an Aero bed. (laughs) You guys can have the living room. - Let's not gonna cut it. - No. - All right, we can move into a two-bedroom. I've been scouting one on the 31st floor. They just raised my rent. - 31st floor is same building? - Yeah. - In battery. - Yeah. - And they just raised my rent. And I countered. I was like, how about I pay what you guys want me to like pay? But I moved to that apartment on the 31st floor. And they were like, "L-O-L." (laughs) Like that's going through seven grants. - Nice try, bitch. - Seven grand for a two-bedroom in my building. - Yeah. What's the one bedroom in there? - I pay 48. - It's a lot of money, can I? - I know, I know. - You got it. - I love it. - I'm happy there. - Yeah, no, you do whatever makes you happy. - Yeah. - Whatever makes you happy. - I think about moving sometimes. You know, I'm like, oh my God, I could pay, you know, a third of this and like live, I don't know. - Where Jersey? - Jersey or, you know, sometimes I think like, maybe I'll just go out into the woods. I'll get my license. I'll bring Mabel. - I'm not doing that. - I'll work the road. - You're not doing that. - No, not that. - That's such a pipe dream. Like you're gonna live upstate. - Yeah. - You're not. - I know. - You're not Bobby Kelly. - What, am I tiny house? - You're not doing it, you're not, you're not gonna be, that's not you. - I don't even-- - Well, what right now is your single. Maybe if you do, if you sell with someone, yeah. Maybe. - Yeah. - That's not out of the question. But I mean, now it'd be weird. - I know, I can't do it now. - Be a solo, check a do, out in the middle of nowhere. - No, not when I-- - There's a horror movie waiting for that to fucking go down. - No, I have my nice little family unit with me, Joe Liszt, Sarah Tolabash. - Beautiful. - We're three companies. - What else do you need? Yeah, you're raising their kid. - I'm influencing him. I thought I'm the n-word very early. - What a story he has to tell. - My aunt was a lunatic when I was young. It's funny. And then they'll find out that you're not his real aunt at some point. You know, does he call you? - Yeah. - Yeah, isn't that weird? Like I had my uncle Ira. First of all, Ira. - Yeah. - Jewish. - Okay, come from. He must have been married in. - One of my dad's high school friends. He's not my uncle, I'm saying. We called him uncle, but he wasn't our uncle. He's a gay Jewish guy. And I was like, "Oh, well, Ira's different than literally. Everybody in our entire family." I didn't know he wasn't my uncle until I started to understand the concept of uncle means father's brother. - Right. - Because I just thought uncle meant someone in your family. That could have been anybody in your family. - Okay. - And I was a kid. And then you learn what that word means. And you're like, "Oh, he's not an uncle, but we call him uncle, but he's just what he's around. And how do we know him? Or blood at all?" - No. - He's just hanging around. - He's a gay Jewish guy that my dad loved. - Yeah. I had an uncle Vinny, but that married in. Married my aunt Karen, and he was weird. We didn't like him. - Yeah. - He was out pretty quick, though. - He kicked him out. - She got rid of him. - She was like, "Move out, Vin." - And now she married a new guy later in life, and his name is Steve, and I call him Uncle Steve. Nobody told me to. - You just like that? - I like calling him Uncle Steve. - You like an Uncle Steve? - Yeah. - So uncle and aunt theory, you marry into something, too, and you become the uncle of a. But it's at first hard to. Some comic had a good bit about that. I'm trying to remember who of like, "Yeah, I guess I'm an uncle to these." - Yeah, wait. I know. - Who has that? - I think Dez. Dez Bishop, maybe. - Oh, I thought it was SOTY for some reason. - Could be SOTER. Love SOTER. - One of the best. - Oh, he's the best. I'm a Katie. Such a good hang. - One of the best. I'll go up to the department and talk shit for hours. - Me too. - There's a coffee go up there for three hours and chat shit. - Those two in a road trip. You don't have to say anything. Just let 'em rock. - Let 'em rock. - It's like a radio station. - See, that's when you need a joint. You just get high and listen to them fucking. Just go nuts. - Go off-king and clean. - Probably the strongest comedy couple out there, and that's none to suspect the Jones. I'm just saying. - They're good. - Katie and SOTY can. - They're good hang. - They're fucking good hang. - Who's the worst comedy couple hang? Come on. This is fun. - Goodness. - I don't know. - Come on, yeah, you did. - I'm trying to. - I love it. - Save it. - I'll tell you after. - That's fun. - I mean, Bonnie and Rich are awesome. - Yeah, both very funny. - All of us two are so good. - Both lunatics. - They're like me and each other, then they deflect off to whoever else is in the green room, then they come back. - That's fun. - They just take turns. - That's the kind of love we're all looking for. - Yes. - It's like hate love. - Yeah. - Yeah, you got to hate love somebody. We're going to get you some hate love. Guys, comment down below if you're interested in hate-loving. The fee. - You're picking emoji. - I'm not with the knife. - Yeah. - Put it, put it, put it, put the, what is it? The eggplant knife. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heart. Flaming your heart. - Flaming your heart. - What's your, what's your most overused emoji? Go into your thing. Go into your text and see. - Oh. - Show me the, give me the first topic. - This is humiliating, right? - Who gives a fuck? - So I go. Okay. Oh, Joel is texted me. - What do you say? - He thinks my comedy store show is tonight. - So I asked you the same thing. - I know. [BLANK_AUDIO] I'm voting a show that's happening Wednesday. My first two are both, this is so gay. Hearts, they're both hard. It's both two different colored hearts. And then my next one's crying laughing. - That's your on your time, that's on the clock one, on the most used? - I don't know what the clock-- - No, the little clock thing says the most recent use when you hit the clock. - What clock? - Look right here, look, see the little clock, look. - Oh, that's-- - That's the most recent use, yeah, click the clock. Okay, so that is. So it's hard, hard. Hard, hard, crying, laughing, big smile, yoga girl. - Oh wait, look. - Yoga girl. And then I see, yeah, that's right, yeah. Back to the old hits, back to the hits. Mine is, mine is my dog. I did one of these in my dog. - Oh, you created an icon? - Yeah, of my dog. - What type of dog do you have? - Just a little mutslut. - I love a mutslut. - I love a mutslut. - Cocker Spaniel, Terry or she's like nine things. - Cute. - Then there's the 100, keep it on. - Keep it on. - 100, yeah, I like that. - And then the salute, which I do, I like saluting. - I should use that one more. - And then this one, have you seen this one? This is amazing, you're gonna like this one. This one's not, that was created. It's a butthole, it's feet up with a butthole. I don't know if you guys can see that. - I feel like that's in the update. Maybe I didn't do that update. - No, it's not in the update. It's not from Tim Pools' collection, that's me. That's all me. Somebody made it and sent it to me. - I do the finger, I do the nail painted a lot too. - I get that one. - Have you done story wars? - No. - You would be so good on doing story wars. - Oh, they're show, Jay and Lewis. - No. - Every time I've ever been to New York and they're always like, come do and I'm never, I'm always like, I'm gonna go to the seller and do a spot and go. It's also, New York for me is catching up with people I don't see as much. - Right. - And so like, I want to do a little bit less work. - I get it. - Like I'd rather just like, I sneak kind of pod once in a while, but the most part, it's like, I want to go do shows at the seller. - Yep. - Go get a dinner with someone I haven't seen in years. - Yeah. - And then kind of fart around. I'd like to walk around solo and just appear. I know 'cause I just want to be alone a lot of times down there. - Okay. - 'Cause it's like. - I feel like that here, though, too. And like, people like, what do you do? And you want to go on a hike? Do you want to do this? You want to go to the beach? I'm like, I've already done all. - Just leave me alone. - I'm like, you're probably not going to want to leave when I want to leave. I have to get to a pod camp. I'm going to ruin the time. I like that too. - You want the freedom to just fly. - Yeah. - This is kind of like vacation. It kind of goes like, you're like, "I'm on my own schedule, really." - I'm allowed to take time for myself, if I'm working. - You are. - You need to take time for yourself. - You got to reach out. - Otherwise you're going to end up. - What's your sign? - Huh? - What's your astrological sign? When do you work day? Don't get mad at me. - You're going to do this shit? - It's an ancient practice. There are some truths to it. - Kind of tell you, all their ancient practices that didn't work out in the long run. - Are you going to bring up the Holocaust? - Yeah, dude. That was not good. - That was in practice. They perfected that. - Yeah. Ring the bell. - What is my sign? My birthday is in 10 days. - Oh, I don't know. - October 16th. - I'm not that good. You're not a Scorpio, are you? - No, ma'am. - What's not a Virgo? - No, ma'am. - What's the one in between Scorpio and Virgo? - Libra? - Libra. - The bat, that's great. The skill. That's lovely. - I mean, I don't believe in any of those things. - All right, all right. - What does it even mean? Somebody said that. Oh, we were, I should say, this is fine. This, we were at a thing and somebody's like, oh, I don't know if you know, but so and so it was a triple cap or corn. And I was like, what the fucking, I don't know. - That's a triple goat. - Triple cap or corn, and I kept going, "Trip cap and my body pop cap going, "Trip cap." Just making fun of it. I mean, it was just sweet and innocent, but it was like, "Trip cap!" And then one time I walked by and I go, "Trip cap and he just throws at the three as I walk away." I don't know what that means. I don't know, I don't know any referential stuff to that. It means nothing to me. The Libra thing all I know is that I try my best to be balanced. - Yeah. But isn't that everybody's trying to be fucking balanced? - Some people are better at it than others. - I'm not though. - I think Gemini's are actually crazy. - What is that? - That's the twins, the two face. They're like-- - So behind your back, they're like, they say one thing and do another. - Yeah, they'll flip their own personalities and just like, sorry, I'm a Gemini. - Oh, and they're allowed to get away. And people go, "Oh, you got to let her do it. She's a Gemini." - Right. - What are you? - I'm a Taurus. - Yeah, you look like a Ford Taurus. (laughs) - Speed to shit. - Boxy. - Speed to shit, bitch. Your Taurus, what does that mean? Is that the bull? - That's the ball. - What is that? No, see, that's not you at all. You're definitely not the bull. - I am so the bull. - Like mess with the bull, get the horns type of shit? - No, like steadfast, loyal, grounded, earth sign. - What does that have to do with the bull? Bulls are steadfast and loyal. - Yes. - What does this come from? This is ancient Chinese shit. See, we're going back to China. The LaBubu's got you mixed up. - China, LaBubu. - The LaBubu's got you mixed up. - China by LaBubu. - China, LaBubu, LaBubu. - Yeah, I don't buy into any of that. - Did you start watching those videos of that Chinese guy singing like pop songs? - No. - And hip-hop songs? - No. - I don't know, this guy's all over my algorithm. - Did you say the N word a lot? - Yeah. - Yeah, Chinese guy. - He sings it. It's like a real like soft way of singing it though, Mike. - When Chinese guys do the N word online, you're always like, this is so funny. - It's so funny. - It gets sent around to everybody. Like when you gotta see this guy say the N word, it's hilarious. - It's hilarious. It's like somehow it dismantles how like offensive the word is, but it's like, it's Chinese guy, he doesn't speak English. - He's joking. - But he didn't speak English. - He has no idea what he's saying. - No, he's saying it, dude, he doesn't mean it. - I know. - He doesn't know it. No, my algorithm is filled with like. - Oh yeah, I'm curious. - Right now, I'll show you, let's open the talk. - Not a golf stuff, probably. - Yeah, golf bullshit. Trying to prepare for a hangover. Some guy eating terrible, you know. - Prepare for one. - Yeah, because he knows that you're going out hard at night. This is a guy look banned, talking about a ban. This is a guy t-shirt making golf stuff, the trans paradox, I don't know what that is. - Oh man, somebody took your phone. - There's Norman and, Norman and fucking. - Yeah, mine's not so much comedy too. - And this girl, I've never even seen it. How does this keep popping up to call her daddy girl? They keep popping up, I've literally never ever seen that. - I think that she just gets like shoved on our throats. Somebody's interested. - I'm dead serious, I see. That's what I think that's China. - I agree. - And then this love on the spectrum. Oh, there's so much love on the spectrum stuff on this. You know the Tourette's girl. - Oh, I love her so much, she's fantastic. - She's so good. - She isn't a show, right? - Yep. - She's very wanted up. I used to like watching, yeah. That girl's fantastic. What can I think of her name? - I can't either. - I can see her when I close my eyes. - The Tourette's girl, yeah, I just watch one of her videos. - No, come on, I just saw the commercial stop. I just saw the commercial for her show. - Okay. - Her show is called Bailey. Bailey, Bailey. No, that's not right. Fuck, Tourette's girl, that's not right. Hold on, 'cause of the guy I'm talking to just set me a clip. - Bailey. - Bailey. - She punches her boyfriend in the dick. - She's funny, dude. - Bailey out loud. - Bailey out loud. - Yeah. - Watch out! - And her boyfriend. - That's a huge dick, that's a huge bitch. - She shows that. - Her boyfriend is so cute. - He's like a regular dude. - He's totally normal. - What's up with it? - Yeah, I love that. - He loves it, he laughs at her. - And do they get that way when they're gonna intimate and shit? If she's like, if she's hooking up-- - I thought you were gonna say, do they get that way after they get vaccinated or-- - No, but that's-- - Is that Tylenol? That did that? - What do you mean when they're intimate? - Like if she's hooking up-- - This is a great way to do it. - She's an adult, right? And she's an adult before we're talking about her turn. - Yes. - Whatever, you know what I mean? If she's hooking up with her boyfriend, I wonder if the Tourette thing turns off. - It might. - I hope, 'cause how weird if you're hooking up, and it's like, it's molding, it's molding. I wish another guy was here, yeah, yeah, yeah. Send in the truth. - That's all you got? - Fill me up, fill me up, fill me up. - They're just kissing. - Yeah. - He's like, look babe, I love you, but you gotta see, I bet you it turns off. - I think you're probably right. Like I think when the stakes get a little higher, she probably calms down. - That's interesting. She probably be good on stage then, huh? - I know there's a comedian named Benny Feldman who has Tourette, who is hilarious. - Yeah. - He has pretty severe Tourette and like takes like this, like, I'm like, and then he'll be like, I'm my own heckler. - That's very funny. - He's good. - But one when the stakes are high, he's like, he's like, he tunes it down. - I think yeah. - He knows how to like control it. - I think he must, right? Because I mean, they can't even probably get anything out unless it does calm down a little. They can't just tick. - Yeah, but it's out of their control so much of it. - Right. - I mean, what do we know? - What do we know? We're normal. - That was rude. - No, no, no, no, no, keep that in. Everybody knows who you really are. - I cut that out. - Everybody knows who you really are. - I don't hate retards. I hate Jews. (laughing) - Keep it in. - I added that, McCone. - No, leave it in. - Do me a flav. - You want to see who your real love is? - Do you know who I had dinner with and we talked about you? - Oh. - Schoolboy Q. - I love Q. - Yep, he loves you, too. - Where you guys chatting? Where'd you got dinner while you're out here? - No, this was like, he was in New York. - Oh, and he was in, back in the East Coast. - This is probably like a year ago. - Love Q, man. - I went to his concert, kill. Yeah, he was like, I love Santina. We golfed together. We do. He's one of the coolest fucking dudes. - He's so cool. - It's funny to love someone's art and then befriend them. That's always a weird thing because you're like, because when they speak about their art and then you're like, I know. - I know. - They talk about making it? - Yeah, it's weird to feel like reference to something as if he's talking to someone that's never heard or seen before. - He does, though. He's very humble. - Well, no, he's remarkably humble. But he'll say that and you'll go. - No, I know. - I know. - I listen to it a hundred times. - But I don't want to say I know, because it feels corny to be like, trust me, I know. (laughing) - Can I say, I know all about a kill. - I know about your whole life. - Yeah, it is a trip. - Yeah. - But he's, I mean, it's not my business to talk but man, he's got phenomenal stories. I'll tell you some of the greatest fucking, the life he's lived. His personal stories of, I wish I could say something. Whatever. Anyway, he's one of those guys where you're like, you're more interesting. The more I get to know him, he's more interesting. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's kind of crazy. - We have like sushi and then he let me come backstage. I got to hang out and then I watched him perform. People were fainting like four songs in. Like he had to stop the show like multiple times 'cause people were losing their minds. - Yeah, he's the fucking man. - He's great. - Cue the dog, man. - Are you guys golfing again? - No, he's been gone. I just got back in a town too and I'm gonna leave again in a few fucking days. - Where you going? - I could go see mom and dad. - In Chicago. - I go home a lot now. - That's good. - Well, they're not so young. - Yeah, I know. - I just want to say I've gotten older. I'm like, I want to go see them much more. If I have an opportunity to go back to the Midwest, if there's like a thing or a gig or something nearby, I mean, even if there isn't, but I'm saying, if there is more of an excuse, I'm like, I should just be, I'm right there. - Why not? - I'm gonna be in Kansas City and I'm like, I'm gonna go right there. - Let's go there. - Go pop to the house. - I'm like that too. I try not to miss like birthdays and stuff. Even if I have to take a train for four hours and like, hang for four and come back. I don't care. - You're never gonna be one people we love past where we'll never regret doing the extra thing, spending extra money. - My friend's dad just died and she lives here and like, she texted me. She's like, I'm so, listen to how like, selfless this is. This is crazy. She goes, hey, I'm so sorry. I was gonna come to your show on Wednesday but my dad died. I was like, I can't believe you've been texted me. - Oh, it would not even text you. - Well, I wouldn't blame you. I was like, you're-- - But my dad dies, I'm blocking you. - I'm blocking you too. - I'm deleting your number, I'm blocking you. I'm not fucking talking to you. - My mom turned 70 and I threw a big party at Chad and Bar's Inn. My brother and I got in a little tiff about it 'cause he didn't like how much it was gonna cost. But I was like, I'm gonna cover it. - Yeah, if you're paying for it, what does he care? - Why do you care? - Right. I'm just no more. We could do it in the backyard. I'm like, no. She's inviting her friends from high school. My mom-- - 70th. - Thank you. - It's a big deal. - It was a huge-- - 70s big. - It was so much fun. We all dressed up. It was a bonfire on the beach. They did lobsters. They did s'mores for the kids. - Jesus. - It was so worth it. Chad and Bar's Inn. Shout out. Keep count. - You doing that to get the plugs so they give you the discount? - I wouldn't mind one next time. (laughing) If she makes it to 75. (laughing) - You just hold on. Look, I need that discount. - C-B-I? - What did that party cost? Be honest. Go ahead and brag, Rich Girl. - Almost seven grand. - That's a lot for a party. Holy shit. - Worth-- I mean, if you saw the pictures, though. - Yeah, of course. It was probably worth every dime. - It was just-- - Do you have that money you got it? - The Facebook post-- My mom's like, "I posted the pictures, Karen." I got like 76 likes. I'm like, "Mom, you're famous." - You're famous. - Put me on a texture with your mom. - I will show you with mom money. - She'll love it. - That's so funny, Maureen. That's insane that you're both-- We're both Maureen. - That is crazy. - Wow. - It's not that crazy. - I wish. Yeah, Maureen. - What do we have 10 names to choose from? - Yeah, Maureen. - Oh, yes, Maureen. - Yeah, my sister's calling Patricia. She's Irish. - Is she look Irish? - Yeah. - You don't look Irish. - I look black Irish. - Now you look like an Italian girl. - I know people say that to me. - I know. You like that, don't you? - I don't like anything. - Not why you like that shit. - The people that you're Jewish? - Once in a while. - Yeah. - Especially when I have a lot of Jewish things. - You should be really annoying. - Yeah. - I went on two Bachelorette trips. This winter with two separate big Jewish women groups. - Really? - It was fun though. - They don't have long Island Jews? - Some of them. Some of them Jersey, some of them Manhattan. But a lot of long Island, yeah. - They go off. - They go off. They know how to spend money. - They know how to fucking party here. - They know how to have a good time. - Fuck yeah. - They take over the Caribbean. - I'll tell you what the Jews that we didn't do. Close casket, dude. What's up Irish? Fucking the Jews, man. - Shut the freaking casket, man. Did the fucking Jews do it right? The first time I went to a wake, I was like, why are we looking at my dead fucking grandma? There was the craziest thing. - And her lips are glued shut. - Oh, so crazy, you got to make their hands go like this. - And your parents are like, go walk, go fucking. And you got to stand in line. And you're like, I don't know fucking this. - And you don't know how long you're supposed to stay. - Yeah, my supposed to cry. What do I do? I have no idea what to do. I was such a bad. - This smell is brutal. - It's just the whole room is weird. And it's like fluorescent lights. - So bright. - I couldn't, when my grandma died, my dad's mom died. And I was, I was still a kid and I remember going to the funeral and then feeling, this is crazy. I remember feeling bad on the car ride home because I didn't cry. - Yeah. - 'Cause I was so confused. And then I felt like a bad kid. 'Cause I was like, my grandma didn't even see me cry when you, but it was so weird. - Weird mix of guilt. - Well, because they throw you in front of people and they're like, go get up there. And you're like, I'm a kid. - Why do I need to go see the dead body? I liked her a lot. - I know. - See her dead. It's crazy. - It's so freaking. - I fucking hated that. - Yeah. - You go to a fucking Jewish funeral there. I don't know, we don't look at the fucking body. We don't look at the body. What are you talking about? - I'm like gonna bury them. - Well, yeah, why do we look at it? - Why do we have to? - I hated it. That really gave me anxiety for a long time when I was a kid. - It gets burned into your brain too. Like, I'll never forget. - Images. - Oh, it's terrible. And the family members that come talk to you that you don't really wanna have to do. - No idea who they are and they will remember me. - Do you remember me? I changed your diaper. Weird. - Weird. - She looks like I'm out of here. Why are you telling me that? - I'm your aunt's best friend. - Right. - I'm Juneant. June, you used to call me Aunt June. - You know, Aunt June loves awake too. She's gone. - She said every one of them. - She just waiting for the next one. She's sitting in the parking lot. - She can't wait. - I'll see you guys in a week. Marcus's son died. - You know what I'm saying? - I guess I'll see you later. - Cool. - That's every one of my like my grandmother, my mom's side, grandmother grandfather, and then it's presumably, unfortunately, to be said, everyone on that side of the family will be buried at the same funeral home. Like, yeah, they all go to the same family. - Yeah, same with like my mom's side. - It's kind of wow. And my grandfather, the funeral home was the Kunis. Kuni, you know, Kuni family. - George Kuni. - George Kuni. - Kuni. Kuni. - You can't call him that. - George Kuni. Not these days. And my grandfather left a note. This was great. So all of his finances were, and he was a firefighter. You know, it's like, they saved money. They had to, right, they didn't have money like, so everything was accounted for. So he paid for the funeral and the envelope that had his money in it for the proceedings. He wrote on it, "Give to Kuni when I croak." And he kept it in his fucking sofa, and he did. Here was a wilder shit my grandfather did though. This irked my mom a lot. He prepaid, but didn't pay for my grandmothers. 'Cause he was like, "She's dying way after me." Well, it is true. She did die much later than him. There's the women always outlive the men. Not on my grip. My grandpa had lived forever. - Really? - My Nana was out at 63. 65, maybe 60. - Hot attack? - No, she had cancer in every organ of her body. Thought she had a cold. - Clean sweep, huh? She thought she had a cold? - Yeah, she had never went to the doctor, never anything. One day, she's like, "I don't feel great." They go, they're like, "Oh, you've staged for cancer everywhere." - Holy shit. - Everywhere, she was out within like a month. - I don't feel great. Yeah, cancer's gripped her entire body. - Yeah. - But that's how strong a woman she was. She didn't even fucking know she had cancer for that long. That much all over? - So much. - And she was like a big like buzzing me had like hips and like a butt and stuff. And I remember she died like right after my 13th birthday. But she came downstairs like from her like sick bed for my birthday. And it was like, she maybe weighed 70 pounds. I don't know, she was like nothing. - Oh, nothing. - But she put on makeup and her jewelry. It always makes me emotional just 'cause it was my birthday. - It was on your 13th birthday. - Yeah. - Unlucky number. - That's terrible. - And my grandfather lived forever until he was like 88. - Couldn't die this guy. - He was so stubborn, he was shit in the bed. My dad was cleaning again. He moved in with my parents. - Oh. - But my mom would like find ways to spend his money. He's like, Ginkgo's taking us to Disney World. Just fucking. - He has no idea. Where are we going? Don't worry about it. - Just lay down. Just lay down in the back. - But then she'd have to push him in the wheelchair at Disney World. She's like, fuck, what did I do this? - She just left him. - No, she just left him. - You stay here, we'll go with, we'll go to Disney for you. We'll take photos. You'll see when we get back. It'll be nice. All right, listen, my love. It's been a wonderful, wonderful pod. - This is great. - I appreciate you so very much. - No, I appreciate you. - Go watch her special out right now. We'll put the link in the description down below. It's called, don't serve this pig. (laughing) No, it's called. - Don't serve me. - Do not serve me. - Don't serve me. - Yeah. - Don't serve me. And she's on tour right now. Her website is, this is my butthole.com. - This is so annoying. - Her website is the brown star. - Check my Instagram for my tour dates. - Instagram has all the tour dates. And what is your website? You don't put them on your website? - No, I should. Stop shaming me. - Get a fuck, you don't have a website? - I have paid someone to build me a website. And then I like just like stomped, like the wheels in my shoes. - Oh, brother, pay 'em. - Take some of that money away from your mom's 75th birthday. Party, put it towards that website. - It's too late. - Too late, it's already been paid for. I love you, I appreciate you looking at camera right there and say one word or one phrase to end the episode whenever you're ready. One word or one phrase? - You can't take it with you. I hate it back. Can I do it again? - Do it again. - Slut bucket. - And here we pull, whist, whist, whist, whist. - Oh, that creature in the ginger field. - Sturdy, ginger. - Like that has the ginger gene is good. - Ginger is a fugitive. - You only five dollars for the whiskey. - 75 dollars for the whole. - Ginger's our hell now. - This whiskey means excellent. - Ginger, I like ginger.