Kelly McGonigal (on joy)

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert, Experts on Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Today we have Dr. Kelly McGonigal on and she is a Stanford psychologist and best-selling author. Her books include The Willpower Instinct, The Upside of Stress, The Joy of Movement, and now her new book, Out Now, Joy is a Risk Worth Taking. This is a delicious episode. It is, and it's a good reminder that we can find joy in all kinds of places and we really need to and just do it. And the most interesting part to me was how many of us fight it, don't trust it, it requires vulnerability, earnestness, some belief in oneself, and we fight it. And that's so fascinating. It is. Also in the fact check, we discussed you can see everything. So if you've seen it, you'll probably want to listen to that. If you haven't seen it, don't listen to it. I don't want to listen to it. Please enjoy Dr. Kelly McGonigal. We are supported by Allstate. 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Yeah, I'm not surprised. The Quarter Pounder with cheese, with fries and a drink. Now $8 for a limited time only. Only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. He's an object expert. You feel frazzled? A little. Did you hear that we went to the wrong property? Oh, no. It's exciting. What property did you go to? Well, it was just over there somewhere, and I was about to get out, and I was like, you know, I should confirm I'm in the right place. Wow. You could sense it. I've had much worse, incorrect drop-offs. One time we had Dr. Phil on. Dr. Phil Phil? That's right, the Dr. Phil. And he went, like, I don't know, seven houses away and just knocked on some door, and then an old lady answer, which if you're an old lady, what could be better than you open your door and Dr. Phil. Yeah, she probably thought she was dying or something. Or one like the. He came out of the TV. Sweepstakes, the publisher. Yeah, I was thinking that was actually what I was thinking would be better. Oh, well, you know. Ed McMahon. I'm more of a hypochondriac. It's a shame Dr. Phil didn't take over for Ed McMahon. He would have been a really seamless transition. Sure. Sure. I'll take the check. Yeah. Are you old enough, Monty, to remember all the Ed McMahon commercials? Yeah. I don't know if I remember it or I just know it from the zeitgeist. Oh, man. I used to dream about that. I used to get those fake, like the scams you would get in the mail that would be like, congratulations, you are the winner of a million dollars and you just have to send this back. And I remember trying to convince my parents, like, no, but this is real and we just need to, like, send this back and they kept straightening our arm. It's hard when you're a parent and your children have, like, just naive belief in goodness and you kind of have to break the news to them. Like, no, well, the world is scheming to get you or some percentage of the world. That is sad. You're from New Jersey, huh? I am. There's a good deal of scheming happening over in New Jersey. Similar to Detroit, I'd say where I'm from. Is there? I don't know. You mean historically or like right now in current events that I'm unaware of? Historically. Oh, yeah. I usually feel like I can tell when someone's from Jersey. Oh, really? Just catch that vibe. What do you catch? What are you smelling? I feel like, well, when I moved to California, one of the first things people said to me was that I complained too much. So I feel like there's definitely, and then also that I walk too fast and that you're very intense. And I feel like there's a Jersey, Philly intensity. I would only get rid of one of those three. Complaining too much is a drag. Yeah. But New Jersey, we must acknowledge you've got Newark, you've got organized crime, you've got a lot of fun history. And by the way, all stuff I love. This is great. What city were you in? Morristown, which is right across the bridge from Philly. Oh, okay. Not more Istown, which is the bigger one up by New York City. Okay, so you might have more of a Philly vibe. Yeah, Philly. Yeah, and that boy, we don't have time to go into Philly. Not little brother energy, I don't know. Original brother. Yeah, big brother. Their big brother. Eldest brother, yeah, literally, literally. You have an identical twin sister? I do. Are you her? No, I know. We can't do that anymore. I mean, she also has kids. She likes to say that has age progressed her a little bit more than me. Got it. Which is fair. Yes. She's a game designer? Yeah. Meaning video games? No. Okay. So she creates, so some of the games she's designed were things like World Without Oil, where people all over the world were living as if there was an oil shortage. So they were like growing their own food and doing things like that. As a board game or like a natural experiment? No, like alternate reality games. Oh. She's one of the inventors of games where you enter into like a simulation. She actually had people simulating a respiratory pandemic. I remember doing this with her and maybe it was like 2008 or something. She uses games to help predict the future and help people adapt to the future. Did you feel like you guys had a head start when the 2020 pandemic happened? Well, yeah, it was interesting because when they had mapped out what are people going to do that is going to get them in trouble in terms of contagion. And they already knew from the way they were role playing it that it was going to be like church, weddings, exactly like the things that people wanted to gather for. That were going to be challenging. I mean, you know, so she's a futurist. And it's funny because I always think like her mind, even though we're identical twins, somehow her mind works so differently from mine. I am very present moment focus. I'm like, what's happening now? And can we make now a little bit better? And she's like, we're going to fix the world. We're going to change the world. We're going to imagine alternate realities. 30 years out. Yeah. Do you explain that by your, I don't know her history with meditation, but do you explain this divergence in thinking by, no. We're mirror twins. So that means I'm left-handed, she's right-handed. We even have like moles where it's as if we were pressed together in the womb and we have the same. So sometimes I wonder if it's something to do with how our brains develop differently based on that. Yeah. trying to make the present moment better if I'm suffering right now. now. How can I be okay in this moment? Meditation is really good for. And parents were educators and you described some of it feeling like lockdown a bit. Well, does that mean? So it's interesting. So my parents were very, very strict in certain ways and then also leaving us to our own devices in other ways. So we were often completely by ourselves, but we weren't allowed to cross the street. So we were at home. We could watch anything we wanted to on TV, watch any movies we wanted to read any books. So we were very engaged in highly inappropriate content, but we were the only two people who weren't allowed to go on our high school senior trip. Really? They kept you contained? What was their fear? Part of it was that we would be corrupted. My parents thought I was highly corruptible. They definitely thought I would be a bit of a bad girl if I were allowed out of the house. Do you think they were right at all? Well, I mean. I mean, you're just living, right? Yeah. I probably would have definitely been more. Adventurous. I would have had more fun. Well, you know, the best way to get someone to be adventurous is keep them contained for 18 years. That's tough. It can backfire. Yeah. Obviously, they had great academic aspirations for both of you, right? They did. And another way they were unstricted is now I often think about how I know that my parents weren't super enthusiastic about the things that I loved, like pop culture and dancing. And they wanted. They wanted us, I think, to be more serious, like be a doctor, be a lawyer, be a teacher. And I was like, you know, I want to dance on stage. I want to learn about fashion. But they never discouraged us. So me and my sister both had, you know, pretty unusual interests. And they always found a way to encourage that. Oh, that's lovely. I guess that was a way of not being strict. But would I be right in guessing like they're totally monitoring what your grades are if you're doing your homework? Have you met with the guidance counselor? They didn't monitor us. There was just the demand. Absolutely top of your class. Nothing except an A is acceptable. Always get the highest score on any achievement exam. But there was no oversight. It was just that's the requirement. But they were the opposite of helicopter. They didn't know what we were doing in school when we had exams, what assignments were due. You just delivered. Yeah. Wow. In a way, that was good. Yeah. I'm taking their approach. I'm like, you know, let's hope they do their homework. Yeah. Yeah. My parents knew zero, about what was going on in school. Yeah. But then when my brother came around, they had to pay attention. I think it was just because they liked what they were seeing. It was like, okay, she's doing well. That's really important. Like, yes, I have this laissez-faire attitude, but because they're delivering, like I don't really, you know, they're coming back failing everything. You might be like, okay, we need to step in a little. They got involved when I got in trouble. I would get in trouble for what I wore to school. And then we'd have a serious conversation about it. Or I'd get in trouble because I had a bad attitude. Sure. Yeah. Good for you. That was the, yeah. Yeah. I remember my mom got me the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Sure. When teachers kept putting me in detention. She was like, Kelly, you're going to have to learn how to make authority like you. Okay. So you end up going to Boston College. University. So sorry. What? They're different. I don't even know that there's a difference. Yeah, they're different. We're not addressing the elephant in the room. I had to just confirm this with, you are Professor McGonigal, no? My last name is McGonigal, but I'm not a professor. You're not a professor. I have a PhD. Yeah. I said to my daughter, my 13-year-old today, I said, hon, I'm interviewing someone named Dr. Kelly McGonigal. Isn't that a great name? And she said, like Professor McGonigal. And then I thought, oh, Monica's going to be so happy. I actually did not put two and two together. I think because you're right, I'm always associating professor with that. You lecture at Stanford, which is confusing. That's not to say you're a professor, but you do lecture there. No, no. I know. I've had so many different affiliations at Stanford over the years. Yeah. For years. I tried to leave and they kept pulling me back. So I just sort of stayed. Could you be a professor just so we could call you that? I think Stanford would have an opinion about that. I think they should just give it to you. People get honorary doctorates. You can get honorary professor. I mean, well, you know, then they'd have to give me benefits and stuff. Oh, sure. They don't want to do that. Maybe you could sign away that just so you get that professor. Anyways, very exciting. Very exciting for everyone in the house today. Okay. So you go to University of Boston. Boston University. I got the rest. Oh, no. I loved BU. I loved BU. Oh, I'm so glad. We got to make sure we get it right. Yep. BU is where Rooney Mara's character went at the beginning of Social Network. Oh, okay. I did not know that. We just had an expert on last week that was Boston College. Very different experience. Very different. I wanted to go to a place like BU, not Boston College. What's the diff? You are right in the middle of the city. So my first dorm was across from Fenway Park and a methadone clinic and nightclubs. It is a huge school, so you're kind of anonymous. Oh, wow. You go to class and the professor would have no idea who I was. I just loved it. I felt like I started my life. I had real jobs all through college. You could feel like you were living life, engaged in the world, and that's absolutely what I wanted. I didn't want to feel like I was at school still. And where is Boston College? On the Cape? It's up there. You have such a horrible face. I mean, I never actually went there, but you get on the T and you go up there. My understanding is that it's like a traditional campus. Yeah, it's a traditional campus. So it's like smaller, maybe? Yeah, yeah. Smaller. You wanted to be in the city. I wanted to be in the city. And where is Harvard in connection to BU? Is it close? Across the river. Okay. But close-ish, right? Yeah. I mean, I never went there. You didn't even go there. I mean, I have been on campus once or twice in my life, but not while I was there. I was shooting a movie there. I think our daughter was like two at the time, and I was like, I'm going to take her on a little walk. We end up on the campus. Oh, cool. Let's look at the campus. And it happened to be the drop-off day. Ooh. And it was— I don't know that I've ever— I've never witnessed anything as sweet as just sitting in the grass with my little girl, watching all these parents drop their kids. You know how fucking hard they all work to get there. I know. I love that you love that. I think that kind of thing all the time. Yeah. I love a campus. We love college. Yeah. It's like all of everything about it. Yeah, we miss it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but you didn't find your way to Stanford, ultimately, and get your PhD there. In psychology? Psychology, yes. Why were you drawn to it? I have always been so curious about what it's like to be another person. I just think all the time, what's it like to be in somebody else's head? What are people feeling? What are people thinking? What would it be like to have that life? I remember when I went to college, it wasn't for psychology, even though I'd been reading, you know, pop psych books all my life. I thought I was going to go into some communication field. But then I was taking these psychology classes, and I kept getting amazing grades with no effort, because all it was was thinking about how other people think. And I was like, I can't believe this. This is so fascinating. It was so intuitive. Until I had to do statistics, that was less intuitive, but that's okay. We got through that. And I ended up going to Stanford. I was split between clinical psych and like regular psychology. I didn't want to analyze people and do therapy, but I was really interested. So the work I did as an undergraduate was with psychopathy. So we had a lot of psychopaths come into the laboratory, and I was the research assistant. It was me and a graduate student, and we did all of the psych tests on them. It was really interesting. What were the tests? I'm so curious. You give them a baby and a hammer and see what happens. The test to get them in, we published an ad on the back page of these magazines, like these newspapers that don't exist anymore. So the advertisement were things like, are you smarter than everyone you know? Do people have a hard time keeping up with you? Didn't say are you a psychopath or have you murdered someone? What would you do if we gave you a baby? Also, it feels like a narcissist. It was a little bit. This was like 30 years ago. So I don't remember exactly what the questions were. And then when they got there, we would have to give them the test to see are they really a psychopath? But then, you know, things like there was a memory task where you would show people a picture and they'd have to trace it while looking at it, and then you distract them, and then they have to replicate it again to see how well they held it in their memory. We did an electrodermal activity while showing them emotional words. And that was one of the ways that we confirmed that they were psychopaths. So they might see the word like murder and have absolutely no physiological reaction to it. And we did a gambling task to see how well you learn from your mistakes. They don't learn as well from their mistakes. Oh, wow. This is fascinating. Okay. Anyways, somehow all of this leads to, I guess, let's jump to you have this enormously popular TED talk you gave. Oh, right. That actually started out as a lecture for introduction to psychology at Stanford. I don't know. It's like 30 million views or something astronomical. And it was, you know, maybe an attempt to reframe stress. It was. Did you want to know the story behind that? Yeah. For a couple years, they'd been like, we're interested in having you give a TED talk. What would you give a TED talk on? And I was like, well, I do research on compassion. I would love to give a talk about my research on compassion. And they were like, I think we had a talk on compassion. It was pretty good. We're covered on that. We'll check in with you and again in a year. And so I don't know if it was like the third year. And then they were like, we're still interested in having you give a TED talk. The theme of the conference is think again. Is there anything that you would like people to think again? And I was like, well, you know, I do give this lecture in Psych One about stress and how there's this growing research that stress is not all bad for you. And if you allow yourself to embrace stress rather than try to avoid or suppress it, that has a lot of positive outcomes. And so I started to give that lecture in Psych One because previously, have you had Robert Sapolsky on the show? Yes. Okay. So he used to give the lecture on stress in Psych One. He's an amazing lecturer. He's like the top five. smartest people on the planet. He's amazing. But his research has focused mostly on how stress is horrible and there's very little you can do about it. So he would give this lecture right before final exams week to mostly freshmen and being like, are you stressed? Well, stress does this. It will kill you. It damages your brain cells. It makes you impotent. And then we haven't found anything yet that helps. And that was like the last thing they heard. So at one point, the people who ran the program were like, would you be interested in giving a lecture on stress? And I was like, what message would be really good for them to hear right before exam week? And I'm thinking, you know, there is this research about how if you're really anxious or stressed before an exam and you tell yourself it's normal to be stressed and that your anxiety could actually be helping you, which is true. People who are anxious tend to do better than people who are totally calm. They might be a little dissociated or underperforming. And so I put this in there. And I'm like, well, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm not sure that research into the talk. And that was how that TED Talk began. I said, well, I believe this message is probably good. There could be some benefit to people hearing this message. And then I thought, how can I get compassion in there? Like, oh, I have to get the thing that I care about most into this talk. So if you actually watch the talk, I try to sneak in that whole, you have an instinct to also be compassionate. And that also is something that you can do. To modulate stress. Okay, I want to do a thing that we do occasionally. Do you have an actor? Oh, are you going to ask me to do an impression? No, no. Sometimes we like to see if someone reminds us of the same person. And I'm getting the most incredible vibes for a very specific person. Okay, I'll say one. I don't think it's what you're going to say. Okay. But let's try. Will you count us down? You say three, two, one. Yeah. Three, two, one. Lizzie Kaplan. Okay, okay. Hold on. Wait, I heard Lizzie Kaplan. What did you say? I started to say Rachel McAdams. Both compliments. Both compliments. Both huge compliments. But right when we were starting, I thought, no, I think it is. And then I couldn't call her name fast enough. It was Lizzie Kaplan. That's right. I mean, I used to get one person all the time when I was much younger. But you know, you probably wouldn't even recognize it. When I was a teenager, early 20s, I got Madonna. Oh, I could totally see that. Lucky you. Young Madonna. Younger Madonna. I can see it. I loved it. What a flattering thing to be told. I know. I went to a store once. The person, working the register, called someone, was like, I think Madonna just came into my store. I have a Madonna tattoo. You do? Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. Very happy for the renaissance in her career. Man, we almost would have got it. I think we would have got it. Yeah, yeah. It would have been fun. Okay, so now, I think now we need to talk a little bit about your meditation history, because I think that has to somehow feed into compassion, right? There are many specific meditations geared just at specifically compassion. Compassion, no? That's what I've done research on. So, at the Stanford Center for Compassion, we developed this program that taught compassion meditations to help people develop their empathy and self-compassion, but how I got my start was more with Zen meditation, how still can you sit, and can you count your breath, and when your mind wanders, can you start again. Yeah. Yeah. You know, what I really loved about Zen meditation is, I've never actually heard Zen teachers talk about this, but my experience is you develop a different relationship. You know, I'd always experience my body and my mind as a really unfriendly place to be. It's just not safe to be in this body or this mind. When you just sit and breathe and pay attention to your breath, over the years, something happened where my breath started to become like a secure attachment in the way that you might have to a parent or to a pet, like a comfort, you know, blanket. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's something I could turn to that made me feel grounded and okay in this moment. Nobody in Zen talks about that. It's more about the ability to turn off the habits of your mind that create suffering, which it does help with that, but it gave me an embodied experience, and I think that bringing the body into it, I don't think meditation would have stuck with me if it felt like I was dissociating from my body. My favorite breathing exercise is to imagine breathing through your heart. That's one of the ones that we taught in the compassion training. Oh. This is one of the things I'm really geeky interested in. You know, your brain monitors the signals from your heart area, from the skin of your chest and the muscles in your chest and the actual rhythms of your heart and blood pressure in this area, and your brain monitors it, but not all the time. Not all the time. Not all the time. It's like information that's coming. I mean, even like if I just ask you to notice your breath, the signals were coming into your brain, but your brain doesn't always pay attention to it. I just want to be clear, because obviously, autonomically, it is always. It is to make sure that your heart doesn't stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just sometimes you're conscious of it, sometimes you're not. Yes, yes. So the part of your brain that processes sensory information so that you feel it. Right, right. That also then interprets what that means. So there's interesting research that when you have more information coming from that sensory system, your sense of self feels like it's here rather than here. And that's something I'm really interested in. Like most people experience the world like they're behind their forehead and the eyes. Uh-huh. And like the whole world. It revolves around them. But when your sense of self, and this is like a real thing people describe, the sense of self drops to here. There's a sense of being more open. There's like a 360 awareness of the world. More connected. And more connected. The boundaries between you and the world are also a little bit softer. And so heart breathing puts your awareness there and can drop you into that space. And then when you're in that state, then our bodies and brains start synchronizing. So if we were in that state, like if as we're having this conversation, we're feeling more connected. My heart's going to start beating in a rhythm similar to yours. And our brains will start to talk to each other. This idea that like somehow my brain is communicating to your brain and affecting your brain activity and yours is doing the same. When you look at the scientific papers for researchers who do this, they have these images that they draw of like head number one and head number two. And all of these nodes that crisscross. Like if I could turn this into an illustration, your head and your head, I would put all of these crisscrossing together. So you're functioning now not as separate individuals, but as a connected system. If you were, you know, even a little bit aware, you would feel that as kind of like bonding, rapport, closeness. It's almost like you create a shared neural network sitting between the two of you somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so fascinating. Okay, so how does that lead us to joy? And I'm going to start by saying why I wanted to have you on when I read the description. Yeah, I was very curious. Yeah. So many of our guests suffer from this. We just had this great singer, Ashon, and she's at a moment right now where she has a kind of a breakout hit happening. In the amount of impending doom she feels, in the amount of impending doom I always feel, it's so ubiquitous among the guests we have. So I'm just fascinated on how hard it is for us to embrace joy, ultimately. And then I see you've written a book on joy, and then you're acknowledging that that's hard. And then now you're saying, well, I don't know. For me, the place that I come to it from is I'm one of the most pessimistic people in the world. So I also have that impending sense of, I think dread is my default nervous system state, which is an interesting emotion. People who don't experience dread don't understand that the feeling, it's not anxiety. People think it's anxiety, like what if something goes wrong? Dread is, you know something bad is going to happen and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. It's a feeling that you're being pulled forward towards a future you don't want to actually experience. That's my default state. Yeah, yeah. I have a very similar. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's a little different. I have had it. I've had it in moments. And I actually cannot imagine living my whole life. Like that is the worst possible feeling, in my opinion. By the way, I only meditate and journal because in the morning it's at its apex. It's almost like as I'm recharging. I wake up and I'm like, oh, no. Oh, fuck. Oh, no, you got it. Yeah, that's how I start. That's how I start. I was like, someday I'm going to wake up and be like. Glad to be alive. Yeah. So I say that because for me, joy is the antidote to that. Having that as your orientation to life is not the barrier or the obstacle. It's not a complete barrier or obstacle. The reason I'm interested in joy is because I can't imagine a reality where I'm happy all the time. I can't imagine a reality where I think about the future and I think everything is going to work out for myself and everyone else I care about. I still feel close to someone. And so I'm really interested in the moments that when you're in them, there's a feeling like one thing is good or I'm okay. Or in this moment, there's a fit between who I am and what's happening or what I'm able to do. It's like, you know, I was talking about the difference between thinking about the future and thinking about the present moment. Joy is such a present moment experience. I think of joy as a way to orient yourself to life that gives you that. experience of being glad to be alive and it doesn't depend on being able to hold on to success or being able to reach specific goals or being able to cure an illness that you have. Part of this I came to because I grew up with chronic pain that was underexplored, I guess would be a good way to put it. Like my parents weren't into the medical system. So I learned early on, well, you're going to be in pain all the time and there's nothing you can do about it. So what else is there? When we talk about joy, I'm not talking about the person who is experiencing success and then that person has to find a way to actually feel like that success will be permanent and last forever and then nothing will go wrong. It's like, who knows? Yeah, things will go. But what can we appreciate in this moment that could be about the success or it could be about, you know, a stranger that you had some small connection with and that they could be equally valuable in present moment. Your life doesn't require the biggest success that you can imagine or the biggest relief you can imagine. Yeah, let's go through some of the reasons joy is hard for us. I mean, the book starts with you talking with your father, telling him about to write a book on joy, asking him what his most joyous memories are. And he was like, oh, I've only experienced joy a couple of times in my entire life. And he was 80 at the time, maybe. Here's where we get into a little bit of the sociological aspect of it. Because again, I think where you're from and where I'm from is a bit similar. So it's like, it's also very cultural. Yeah. Like it's not a good look. Not to be too sincere and enthusiastic. Yes. Earnestness. Let's just talk about like the kind of the societal pressures. Perhaps it mirrors tall poppy. You'll be embarrassed. You'll be caught believing in yourself or trusting a moment. There's so many stories we have that makes feeling good in the moment wrong. So one is the idea that if you're happy, it means you're full of yourself. Right. I mean, also, this is because people think the only thing you could be happy about are like you said, status better than other people. Yes. Yes. Yes. You can also be happy that, you know, a bird is singing. Yeah. Your little kid takes its first steps. Yeah. So it's almost a misunderstanding also of what actually brings people joy. Yeah. But so there's the idea that joy or being happy is prideful. For a lot of people, there is this sense that the world is cynical. And if you're too enthusiastic, too genuine, too heartfelt, you'll be ridiculed. And or victimized. Or victimized. Yeah. People will exploit you if they know what you really care about or that you actually care better not to look like you care so much or that you can be so easily moved by helping a stranger. Right. Then there's the fear all the strangers will show up. For a lot of people, people confuse pleasure that can get them into trouble with the pleasure that's built into the experience of joy. Joy activates the pleasure circuitry of your brain and you feel it in your body as pleasure. And a lot of people have beliefs about pleasure being sinful or wrong or immoral or shameful. Yeah. Or puritanical. Yeah. And not just pleasure, but sometimes also just good emotions. You know, you may have found that when you felt really good, that was when your heart got broken or that's when you ended up being taken advantage of or when you got disappointed. So having a good emotion, like feeling grateful or hopeful or good about yourself can start a kind of immune response. Yeah. It's like I put my guard down. I can't do that again. Yeah. You can't put your guard down. You have to protect yourself. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance, not checking. If the movie is sold out before you show up, you drove across town, found parking, got in line, and now the person behind the counter is giving you that look sold out. Guess you're watching whatever starts in 10 minutes. Yeah. Checking first is an excellent idea. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability, Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week. That's when you really need to ground yourself. Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. 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Lots of people believe that if they let themselves admit that they're happy, the universe will punish them. Yeah, that part's big. There's a lot of allegory about this. This is like flying too close to the sun. This is like Midas. There's so many parables about warning us about this. Yeah. Part of the book is about how this idea, it's not that the universe is going to actively punish you for being grateful that you have love in your life or success or that your body is healthy. The universe isn't like, gotcha, now we're taking that away. But of course, you know, impermanence is a real thing. And one of the things that really stood out to me over the course of writing this book is, you know, there's a lot of things that are going on in your life that are going to be like, oh, my God, I'm going to die. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to die. And I'm like, oh, there was a human being, my father, and there was an animal, one of my pets that sort of plays special roles in the book is my favorite memories and the things I love most. And they both died over the course of writing the book. And I was thinking, you know, someone's going to be like, you just let yourself admit too much that how much you care. This is all the shadow talking. Yeah. I would say that being willing to talk about joy, it required getting to know some of those shadow voices too. Yeah. Like another one is who are you to talk about joy when there's so much chaos, conflict, crisis in the world? That's exactly why you should be talking about it. Well, I mean, I think it is. Yeah. But I thought it intellectually, it took me a little while to feel it. Like I didn't tell people what I was working on. You know, you see these messages where people are like, why aren't you constantly talking about and then fill in whatever is the biggest atrocity of the day? Which by the way, dare you? There'll be one tomorrow and the next day, our whole life will be full of global atrocities. So if we're waiting for all atrocities to end before we experience joy, I'm here to tell you, we're never going to experience joy. And one of the things that really, you know, I was in the middle of doing this research and I was teaching a class on joy. One year, it was when the war between Russia and Ukraine had just started. And I always send out surveys before class, you know, what are you thinking? What would be a good outcome for you in this class? What brings you to this class? And I had a number of people living in the United States who said they felt a little reluctant to take a class about joy while this war was going on. There was so much suffering. And then I had people from Ukraine who had suffered severely because of the war who were taking the class and who were sending messages to the people in my class that joy was the thing that felt most urgent and that is what they craved in this moment and that it was possible. That helped me sort of get my head straight and not buy into that shadow thinking. You have an example in your book of a father who like lost a son and his thought was, if I'm ever experiencing joy, it means I've forgotten him. Yeah, I think that's common. Which is so heartbreaking. And of course, you'd want to say to the guy, do you think your son's desire for you is to suffer? He would ask himself what his son would want. And that was one of the things he told me that allowed him to allow for those mixed emotions and to choose to be grateful, to feel love, to plan things to look forward to, even though the son that he lost couldn't experience that with him. Yeah. I've told my wife, like, if I die, bring a date to the funeral. Like, get going. Fucking like, you know, I don't want you to spend one day miserable on planet Earth. Don't do it for me. One of my cats died a couple weeks ago and we were at the shelter in days thinking, I mean, a similar thing. When they're suffering and you have so much energy that wants to go somewhere, you should allow yourself to find that thing. I mean, I think so much of this has to do with our like, it's this or it's that. It's either you miss them or you're totally moved on. It's like, no, both things can be true. You can be missing someone every day for the rest of your life. And the thing is, we do it when it's tragedy. But like, if it's your old grandparent or something, no one's like, well, I should just be very upset about this every day because that's like the natural course of things. But that should always be the case. Yeah. Anything premature feels like it's now somehow in a different category. I think it's also, you know, grief can attack you in different ways based on your relationship to the person you lost or to whatever it was that you lost. And I think there's a lot of different ways to deal with grief. And I think there's some forms of grief where your brain is really torturing you over it. And I think like that was certainly the case with losing a child. Your brain is just insistent on maintaining that bond, that this bond was so important. This was your reason for living. And your brain does all of these things that are like essentially forms of torture, like the memories that come up when you were doing something else and flooded with emotions, the way that that desire persists, that longing, that longing. And then your brain is like, where is he? Where is she? So I think that grief is such a beautiful, horrific thing. It's like a side effect of the attachment system. Because I'm trained as an emotion researcher who thinks about the function of emotions. I really think grief is one of the emotions that doesn't have a function moving forward, that it is like the accidental side effect of one of the most important capacities humans have, that caregiving instinct and attachment. But I'm not sure if it's the most important capacity that humans have. I'm not sure anyone has ever demonstrated an actual function of grief moving forward. I guess the goal would be in a collective grief way, in war or something. It's like when we're all feeling like, oh my God, this is so horrible, that we wouldn't do this again. But we do. Guilt and shame can work in that way too, the anticipatory. But the interesting thing, like what would anticipatory grief, because grief is at its most powerful with relationships, anticipatory grief would tell you not to get into a relationship, don't have kids, don't love too much. But this could be fun to think about this in what often is a fun debate, which is like, yes, you're thinking about it on a very singular, adaptive or evolutionary way, when you could think of this as a group evolutionary facet, right? Which is I observe other people suffer when one of us dies, we have value. Like what it could provide on a group level is kind of interesting, even if it might be not productive for the person suffering. If people could imagine also, that they would be grieved in a meaningful way, what that might mean to people. It's somehow comforting, right? And we need examples of that. If no one grieved, then yeah, you certainly couldn't convince yourself of that. Yeah. I'm not saying I would get rid of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying. I've been able to find like really clear functions for other emotions, the emotions we don't want. Yes, yes. First, let's quickly delineate the difference between happiness and joy. One way that I think about it is, if you ask someone, how happy are you? They usually think about the totality of their life. So they're like, how's things going at home, at work, my health? How do I think about politics? How's my financial situation? And they're like, yeah, I'm pretty happy because I don't have a ton of things I'm worried about. I haven't recently suffered a major disaster or crisis or change. And like happiness is often described as things going well in my life. It's a global assessment. You don't have to define it that way. I just, I'm defining it that way because that's how a lot of people talk about happiness. And also when they say they want to be happy, a lot of times what they mean is they want life to be easier. Whereas joy, it is in the moment. It is something good. Someone thanks you and you feel better. And sometimes you feel it in your body. Sometimes it just feels like relief and you feel your forehead relax. Sometimes you just feel for an instant, this intensification of closeness between you and others, or like a sense of who I am is good. It persists for seconds to minutes. It's always about like a signal. I think of it as very similar to pain. If pain is meant to alert you to a threat, something wrong, joy is a signal that is meant to tell you something good. Pursue this? Well, a couple of different ways. One is sort of a baseline. Your brain also monitors really basic human needs. Like are you alone or are you connected? Do you matter or does what you do not matter? Is there anything you can do that is meaningful or pleasurable? Or do you have no options, no choices? Is there beauty in life? Is there something you can do that is meaningful or meaningful? Is there beauty in the world or is the world a hideous, horrible place? It's like there's just questions that the brain is always trying to get a readout on. And joy is this like reset that affirms something good that you need to know. So every moment of joy is like, you're not alone. What you do matters. There is beauty in this world. There's something to look forward to. And it's like a reset in your brain that affirms the value of life itself and the value of your life specifically. And I think of that as like the primary function of joy that we have the ability to feel joy in order to have that reset to almost like prevent despair, to prevent total demoralization. Now, it also is a good signal about where to put your energy and attention. Where you find joy is going to be closely connected probably to meaning, to contribution, to good fit. Like, you know, there's something about who you are and in this environment that that's a good match. And maybe you should spend time there. So it can become a useful signal in that way. So what was interesting with your father's own journey with this is he starts by saying he's only had two moments of joy, but over the course of a year before he's diagnosed, this list expands, right? And there's a power in just trying to be aware of it, right? It has kind of a cumulative rising effect. Yeah. You know, it's an act of generosity because he was really skeptical. It's funny. He was the same way with compassion, too. He'd be like, oh, compassion. But he said that. He said that. But, you know, one of his few moments of joy when he started excavating it was helping a stranger at a bus station. I was like, that, that's going to be one of your great moments of joy. And yet you're so skeptical of compassion. So I think, like you said, there's some cultural elements to it. I think there's very strong cultural elements. You know, it was an act of generosity because I was writing a book about joy. And I think he was willing to. I think he was willing to have conversations with me about it because I got so happy when he told me his first memory or two. Because they're about you. Yeah. The first one was about the first time I smiled at him when he was bottle feeding us. Because mom was sick. She was, yeah, complications from birth. So she was still in the hospital. So first time father. Oh, my God. Two men, one too many. Yeah. So that was great. But then the other memories, you know, he told me the story about dancing when he was in the seminary, which was so surprising to me. So I teach dance. That's like this other side of my life. I love dance. What kind? I teach like dance fitness classes, different types. Dance is very joyful. It is. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nothing tops it. It's also in the same way that I describe myself as super pessimistic and also not particularly happy. But from teaching dance, I kept getting these cards from people saying, "Your joy is contagious. Thank you for bringing me so much joy." It's one of the reasons I got interested in joy because I was like, "Why do people keep using this word joy to describe what's happening in class or to describe me when I'm like, not a optimistic or happy person?" I started to realize there really is a difference, this kind of sense of vitality and belonging and aliveness. But so he came up with all of these other memories of joy when we started talking about joy as being a moment when you're glad to be alive or it feels like a really good fit between who you are and what's happening in that moment. It's really funny. It's such a stupid statement, but in so many ways, it's really hard to actually feel alive. Yeah. For whatever reason, the stranger interaction. always for me are like apex feelings of like oh right i'm alive on planet earth and that person's alive and here we are and i'm doing something that's affecting them they're affecting me like monica took a ride home from a tow truck driver once and it was like she had gone away to like a two-week fucking meditation seminar it was incredible because you connected yeah but i of course would never i was like the idea of having to take this card called triple a this day is a disaster an hour long ride in a tow truck yeah in traffic city and then we start talking we talked the whole time and he's this older man and he's telling me about his life and i was like i don't want to get out of this car i love this person it challenges your fear about the world this is a type of joy people really need because there's so many messages we're getting right now through all sorts of media and culture and the people in our lives that are telling us that other people can't be trusted when i first started teaching a class about joy and i'm asking people to give me their joy reports i was shocked by how many peak moments of joy were these moments of connection with strangers i didn't even believe some of the stories that people would tell me like that they even happened but also that people felt they would literally say this moment made me glad to be alive it gave me hope it filled me with joy and i really think it's because in those moments it challenges our cynicism and it allows us to sense the good in ourselves it's a form of elevation which is one the world resonates with the good in you and you allow yourself to feel good about it we don't have to suppress that part of ourselves that normally would feel like we have to guard it yeah i think people don't even necessarily know why certain things are magic like they actually would miss what the catalyst or active property and experience was so it's like anyone who's backpacked through europe i've yet to meet the person that's not one of their top experiences of their life but what is it is it seeing europe yeah that's kind of fun that's novel but i think it's like you're in hostels with all these other kids who also are doing the same thing and the true joy of it is like yeah these connections with people from around the world that you thought were other and it turns out oh no we're all the same that's the element that's so intoxicating getting to experience yourself as a human being in different places too i think like travel can do a lot in terms of creating that broader sense of self too so many kids grow up feeling like there's one way to be and then you know as a young person you go to different parts of the world and there's a sense of freedom that comes from being able to be you but in a different setting that pulls all sorts of different things out of you what is joy dampening so in a moment when you start to feel joy you do something to feel less so you might find something to complain about and a lot of people do this all the time or you tell yourself you don't deserve it it's not real like if the joy comes because somebody did something nice for you like oh that you know they had to do it or they don't really mean they just want this you start worrying about how it's going to go wrong you distract yourself out of it sometimes it's the intensity of it is too much and so you find a way to pay attention to something that's not good and people don't know they're joy dampening but they're just suddenly distracted and then they feel less moved or less open or less hopeful and it's a form of emotion regulation that's really meant to prevent the expected bad feeling that follows a good feeling you know people who dampen joy often they do it because they don't know what's going on and they don't they assume if i allow myself to feel this or show this i'm going to fall off a cliff the rug's going to get pulled out from under me and i don't want to experience the fall the emotional fall so if i dampen it myself there's less distance to fall i'm steadier i'd rather be steady than experience ups and downs but people also will dampen for all the reasons we talked about for why people think joy is wrong or impossible too they'll dampen it to not make other people uncomfortable to not be judged i have a lot of survivor's guilt from where i moved from i have survivor's guilt from the people i was in the growlings with that didn't make it like i did i have so much survivor's guilt that anything great that happens to me which is a lot of great things that happen to me the example i always think of is i got this car i grew up in detroit all i cared about is cars i had posters all over my room of fucking supercars i got this really crazy hard to get car that ford made very limited amount of i got it the few people that found out i had it they go oh my god you got this car and i go yeah i'm going to get it i'm going to get it i'm going to get it i'm going to get it i'm going to get it i mean you got to put this crazy wrap on it that's like so i just start bagging on the whole experience and i spent two years of having that car where i never said one positive thing about it because i was so ashamed that i had it and i do that with a lot of stuff i think you do this a lot yeah but i also think sometimes it's like for not for you but in general i you do sometimes i think your brain is telling you it's kind of for the benefit of the other person if you're like i got this bag or something that i've been wanting for a long time but actually like it kind of sucks like don't worry you don't want it kind of like the thing that you probably do want you shouldn't want it don't worry about it don't put your energy there because it's actually like not as great as you think you know that human beings do social comparison yes and so when something good happens to you other people might feel you get a list and they might feel bad about themselves yes you're trying to like right size that actually you know that backfires a lot because what people actually think is i can't believe this person doesn't appreciate it complaining yeah they don't even like this car so a it doesn't work and then my therapist helped me through this which is like look you're powerless over envy there'll be envy that's going to happen now you can also ruin your experience and still experience the envy or you can just enjoy yourself and not be responsible for how people feel about it i mean the other thing that i often think about too is because i've been lucky enough to ask so many people what brings them joy i also am pretty convinced that it's not the car or the bag exactly sure and so you don't know what's going on you don't have to be in certain circumstances in your life to experience the things that people say bring them joy and there's almost a way it can be a little dehumanizing to think that somebody in a difficult situation is incapable of joy because they don't have luxury in their life but that's a societal issue we have where there is this idea that when you have all the things and the toys then you're happy which again is why that is different than joy because happiness does have a level of security to it and that's real you know we have all of these aspirations for comfort for security for status it makes a lot of sense to have all of that yeah but joy is such a great resource because it doesn't actually require those exactly yeah i had as much joy broke as i've had with money more in some ways a little more i call that meeting joy with joy too when somebody else is happy or enthusiastic when they love something yeah like the biggest act of support you can do is to be happy with them yeah and for them we were talking about empathy and a lot of people understand that there's value in having empathy for pain and negative emotions and suffering but people don't want to be alone in their happiness or their joy or their enthusiasm or their excitement people want others to share it with them to be glad for them and to amplify it rather than dampen it but you even say in the book it is easier for us to comfort someone going through something terrible than it is for us to join that elation why do you suppose that is maybe all the same hurdles we have for our own joy we're then projecting onto their joy it can be that it's also if we aren't used to celebrating our own joy it can be harder to catch the joy i mean part of what allows us to meet joy with joy is this like contagion effect where your happiness actually makes me happy like it actually gets in here and if i'm really in touch like i have great empathy for physical pain because i really know that well i don't have to do anything for your pain to get into my experience and have great empathy and want to relieve your suffering but if you aren't as familiar with your own comfort being excited being enthusiastic expressing love and letting someone express their love to you all these different dimensions of joy it can be harder to have that contagious response where i'm just jumping into it with you oh i'm just thinking about when like olympians win i know don't you love oh my god one of my favorite videos is best olympic celebrations and then you just see and they they're just like oh group them by types of celebrations like the fist pumpers yeah and the dancers this became the root of your eight minute joy workout or the foundation yeah yeah yeah yeah so it is the case that when you express joy through your body even when it's you're doing it before you feel joyful there's a lot of research that you do these movements and you can start to connect to the feeling of it so yeah so i did that workout where it's literally like you're throwing your hands yeah yeah yeah you're bouncing you know with think about clapping clapping is the most hilarious activity and it like elicits so many different things yeah i feel like half of the events i go to it's not because i want to see the event but i want the moment where we're all cheering and applauding yeah like i'll see any show if there's going to be a standing ovation yeah so let's bolster this call to find identify enjoy joy what are the neurological benefits like why is this a good endeavor for us physically yeah i mean brain and body right yeah so i talk about joys being one of the most biologically consequential emotions you can have it's in the same category as stress in a moment of joy there's so much changing in your brain activity brain chemistry in your blood chemistry in your immune system it's as potent as stress but it's often working in the opposite direction so in a moment of joy what's happening in your brain is this co-activation of the reward system which makes you feel good and then also the meaning system which is giving a sense of significance or value to this moment that's the I'm glad to be alive kind of aspect of it. So you're getting this existential boost in your brain. Your brain is literally shoring up your sense that life is worth living. And then in your body, it really depends on what type of joy you're feeling. Like if it's excited joy, you're going to get endorphins and adrenaline and your heart rate increases. And it's this amazing sense of energy and vitality that is a really great antidote to feeling anxious, withdrawn, overwhelmed. But if it's a moment of connection with somebody else, physiologically, often you shift into the state of increased heart rate variability, boosted immune system, your blood pressure lowers, and you feel really safe and at home in the world. Again, which is a nice antidote to feeling unsafe or feeling isolated or feeling hopeless. So I think of like every moment of joy, when you're appreciating any of the kinds of things we've been talking about. Again, it's this biological reset. And we know from the research that it adds up over time. Someone is like, how many hours a day do you need to be joyful? I don't know, 10 seconds. It's not how many hours a day do you need to be joyful? It's more like at the end of the day, did you have any moments of joy? And if you miss them, could you go back in your mind and pick a few moments you want to appreciate now? And you can get that benefit. Perfect timing. So tell us about this incredible device that JPL invented, the Finder. Oh, the Finder. And then we'll talk about uplifts and microlifts because that's virtually what we're saying. Yeah. You know, it's so funny because the way that I found out about this technology, I was telling people they need to train their joy radar because a lot of times people are kind of blind. They're not paying attention to uplifts. You give a great example. Just we can test your sensitivity to sugar by filling a glass of water and putting in one eyedrop of sugar. Can you detect it? Two, three. Do we need to put tablespoons in? And it's not just your ability to detect it, but also what you're willing to call sweet. Oh. So maybe like if I paid you a million dollars, you could detect that little bit of sugar. Yeah. But if I ask you, is this sweet? Maybe your threshold for sweet is so high that you're not willing to call it sweet until it's, you know, 50% sugar. Yeah. You have a joy threshold. Sort of like my father, the idea of joy is the one moment where everything is right in the world and it's like pure euphoria. But joy often emerges in these really small ways, these micro uplifts. Its function is to help you find the small moments, not the great milestones. And if you fail to see them, you will not get the cumulative benefits we're talking about. You can have this kind of joy amnesia or joy blindness. I was telling people you have to train your joy radar. And I was like, how does a radar work? And I was just trying to figure it out so I could like have an analogy. And I found out about this technology. It's like a rolling suitcase that NASA developed where it's used to find people who are trapped under like earthquakes or, you know, buildings that have fallen where they're trapped under rubble. People can't see them. People can't hear them, but there's a heartbeat and there's breathing that's happening like under 30 feet of rubble. So they developed this little radar and it sends out this little pulse of energy. And because every heartbeat, it's a tiny movement. Okay. I don't know how they actually calibrated this, but the radar is calibrated so that it knows when through 30 feet of rubble, that little energy it's sending out has found a heartbeat and it recognizes, the signs of life. And there was one in Nepal and they put this briefcase on the top of a mountain and 48 hours later, they have found three dudes that were still alive. Yeah. And it's just detecting this nearly imperceptible specific wavelength of a heartbeat. And so I love this example is nobody is going to argue that it is stupid to look for that sign of life, that life affirming signal. What could be more important than rescuing that person who's under the rubble? And you need to be very careful. You need to be very sensitive. And I feel like that's what joy is. That's what these micro uplifts are. You have to tune yourself so that if there is something beautiful in the space, or if somebody did something in the space to make life easier for you, you can recognize it. You're not blind to when somebody thanks you, you can believe it and let yourself be uplifted by it. Yeah. Like what's a starting protocol for that? What is, I guess, some kind of mindfulness around that? Well, I just ask people to keep track of something good every day. Yeah. Like your rose, the rose thorn. Yeah. Yeah. Rose bud and thorn exercise. You don't have to call it joy. You can call it anything good. Yeah. Something good that happened. Anything. And I say like, take a picture of it. If it's something that made you smile or laugh, or, you know, you can write it down or tell someone about it, but you're looking for the moment where when it happens, you just feel a little bit better or you're glad to be alive. And when people start tracking that, they start to learn what brings them joy. People are always surprised. It's like a great shock that it's not the milestone they thought it had to be, but some small pleasure that just synchronizes with who they are and what they love, or it's the one moment where they're able to help someone, or it's often laughter. Laughing with somebody else is such a boost. And that's why people laugh in situations that are awful. They will find something to laugh about because it's one of the clearest signals that we're still here and we're not alone. Oh, you should see me around tragedy. I mean, the jokes, I'll be delivering the bad news and I already have one in the fucking chamber. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We get support by Peloton. You know that feeling when you're spiraling over a problem and you just can't figure it out? When that happens to me, I need a change of pace. And I've found that running is the best way. It takes my brain out of the driver's seat and I come back and I'm like, fresh perspective. Running can be freeing and cathartic and Peloton helps you feel all of that. And now that feeling fits wherever you need it with the new Peloton Tread Flex. It's movable and foldable designed to fit your life. So next time you feel stuck, you can go for a run literally anywhere, whether that's in your office, living room, or even the attic. Plus they have classes with expert instructors and programs to meet you at any level and keep you moving. Let yourself run. Explore the new Peloton Tread Flex at onepeloton.com. This episode is brought to you by ServiceNow. Look, I have my dream job. I get to talk to folks I admire like crazy and ask them virtually any question that I want to. I can't imagine a better way to spend my time. But even dream jobs have some not so dreamy parts, the stuff that gets in the way of the actual work. Now that's where ServiceNow's AI specialists come in. And I'm they don't just tell you what you should do about your busy work. They actually do it start to finish. Cases closed, requests handled, no extra work for you. So you and your team can focus on what matters most, which for me is, are they obsessed with male bodies on the same level as I am? They never are. To learn how to put AI to work for people, visit servicenow.com. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition, nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens. But at some point you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't? Yes. And that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays. We were supposed to see what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write. This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs. I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy. I'm busy. I'm busy. Cancel, cancel, cancel. But then I. And you start feeling it. Yeah. Because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God. And just thank God. Relief. Thank God for her. Yeah. BetterHelp is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many co-pays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the U.S., you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at BetterHelp.com slash DAX. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash DAX. We get support from superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff. But there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through. Threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open. Not another thing to set up. Superhuman. Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly, is different. It's already right there. Inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important, it flags what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands. It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed. At your service, not after your job. So, do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go, from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com. So this Megagon Labs crowdsourced 100,000 uplifting moments. And I read almost all of them. You did. I know. And they're categorized by theme. And I just want to go through the categories and the amount that were logged because I think there's interesting. I agree. Yeah. So the number one thing that people logged was affection as an uplifting moment at 34,200. And that was defined specifically as a moment of connection with people you are already close to. So like family, close friends, pets. And doesn't have to be physical. No. But it's a moment where you feel close to someone you care about. Number two, very, very close, just 160 less, achievement. Yeah. People will say things like I ran a marathon and people will also say things like I got out of bed. Achievement is really about doing something that you value. Doing something that mattered. Or doing something that was hard and you're glad you did it. Yeah. It's really about an action. When you actually look at what people said, they are not achievement in the way that people often think about what happened. And not a promotion. It's not I got the promotion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Third place at about a third as many is enjoying the moment. We'll call this appreciation. You're doing something and you just realize this is good. I love this song. I'm enjoying this meal. I noticed the beautiful sunset and I'm happy to be here. You can have that at your job, too, obviously, right? Like Monica and I have that often, right? It'll be like every fifth fact check. We'll be having such a good time and we can look at each other and we're like, oh, yeah, this is bonkers. Yeah. I think my propensity for appreciation has gone up since doing this job. I'm like highly aware of, oh, this is rare. This is special. Work is an interesting category. Also, when I survey people, it doesn't show up as often as you might hope. Well, so few people love their job, I would say. But you have to look a little harder. There are the moments where you feel like what you're doing matters or there's moments where you're laughing with your coworkers or there's moments where you're surprised or you fixed a problem. But it is interesting to me that there's a lot going on with people's jobs where the primary feeling is stress or pressure. Well, your primary focus is the primary allocation of your resources and time is that and it's not yielding the results should be a little bit of a warning. Yeah. Okay. After enjoying the moment, bonding. That is feeling closer. That is feeling closer to the people you love and that is feeling closer to the people you're not already super close to. So, it was often more casual friends or coworkers or strangers. Yeah. So, I think actually I would lump those categories together and you would basically blow away all the other categories. Uh-huh. But feeling close or connected to someone is the number one. This one is important, I think. This is the one that I most want to talk about. So, leisure is on the list. Yeah. But it's at 7,500 logins versus 34,000 for affection. 1,800. So, it's kind of low. That tells me people aren't getting out in nature or is to tell you that nature is not as powerful. What do you think? No, no, no. So, I've also looked at surveys that have been done all over the world. This is an absolutely universal source of joy for people. In this particular study, it was, you know, English speakers anywhere in the world. But I think it's pretty impressive that that showed up. That even made the list. Well, I would just say it is telling us something though. Yeah, it's telling us something. So, if we believe that it is a powerful source of joy, which I agree, it tells me very few people are getting moments in nature. So, the way that the survey worked is people were asked to pick one moment a day. So, they were picking like their favorite moment. So, it's not the same as asking, did you enjoy anything in nature today, yes or no? So, I think it's also telling that in a way, people are asked about their best moment of the day. Anything that gets on this list, it's pretty impressive that it made it to its own category. Yeah, that's true. The one I would want to have been number two would be exercise at 1,200. I know. I mean, if you know anything about me. And that one always surprises people. I always keep that on the list. Even though numerically, it's not anywhere close to like feeling connected to someone, but people are often shocked by it. But that's also an achievement, I bet. It's not just the joy of achievement. It's when you use your body, when you are physically active, it seems to unlock all of these joys. So, you might be out in nature. You might be playing or competing. You might be on a hike with a friend, so you get bonding, affection. You feel good about yourself. You feel alive. You may be doing it to music. You may be celebrating something. All these things that we know are sources of joy. When people are moving their bodies in a way that they choose to on purpose, they're almost always doing it because it puts them in touch with some type of joy that they value. I guess the reason I even printed out this whole list is I think it's important. I don't know. Maybe this is self-serving probably. I think leisure is deceptive. I think like leisure has the allure. People always think it's the number one. Yeah, you would think the number one source of joy would be leisure time or leisure. But I don't know that it's the best ROI. Here's one of the reasons why I think. I think, you know, joy is this interesting combination of pleasure and meaning. So, the things that really stand out to people are the ones where the meaning is more clear. Now, leisure can be very meaningful. People will experience meaning in activities that other people would deride as being pointless. Like, how could you be a fan of that? Why are you wasting your time? But people can experience them as quite meaningful. But I think that the reason that these other things show up so much more clearly is because of joy. Much more of these, like, taking action that you're proud of or feeling connected is because they're such core sources of meaning for human beings. Yeah, I think that's why it always falls a little short. Unless I'm doing leisure with my friends and family, then that other thing's on the table. But if I'm just, every time I'm like, oh, I'm burnt out, I'm going to do nothing for two days. Halfway through the second day of doing nothing, I'm like, I can't. There's such a lore of it, too. You know, people ask if you could have a superpower. I want to be able to stop time. I want to be able to stop time and just rest. Like, make it slow down. There's such a desire to do less or do something easy or that particular type of leisure is the one that's least likely to produce joy. Forms of leisure that are really making the list are things like playing games with other people or doing things with your hands, being creative. Totally. Or watching something that you just love and talking about it with people who also love it. What is positive empathy? And maybe you tell me the story of Hernana. Hernan Diaz? Hernan Diaz is an author who found out that he won the Pulitzer Prize while he was at a diner. Pulitzer Prize for fiction. He was so overwhelmed. This has never happened to me, but I assume. It was like a life-changing moment that he had to leave the diner and he went out to the side of the road and, like, collapsed and started crying. And these women walked by and they saw a man by the side of the road on his knees crying and they were so concerned they stopped to take care of him. Are you okay? What's wrong? And then he told them what had happened. And suddenly they start hugging him and celebrating with him. Oh, that's so sweet. The way he tells it is he's very like, "So it was a good moment." I love that story because it shows how the ability to join in someone's happiness, it comes from that same instinct as our ability to see someone who's hurt and want to help them. And positive empathy is when you are experiencing or showing a positive emotion. I'm happy for you. I think your happiness is a good thing. It brings me joy. I want you to cherish it and enjoy it. And I am going to show that to you. I'm going to listen to you if you want to talk about it. I'm going to hug you if you will accept a hug. I am going to let your happiness be something that matters. This is a two-part question. Do you think, A, that's weirdly easier to do with strangers? Oh, yeah. And then, B, what is the psychological pathology behind? Because I guess we're kind of getting into it. We're kind of getting into envy a little bit. But I do think this thing gets triggered in us that it's a finite resource. That as opposed to, like, I'll be brought along, we feel like it's a finite resource. They just got it all. I have none. Exactly right. So I think there are a couple of things happening. One thing with strangers is, too, we're less self-conscious. We don't have stories about their happiness as much. And we can just get swept away in it. And we're also less likely to think other people are judging. Like, if you're crying tears of joy, I'm going to start crying, too. That's why people love watching these celebrations on TV or these video clips of good things happening. Because you just feel less self-conscious and you can feel happy for them. But you're right. When it's someone you know, you're more likely to go into social comparison. You're more likely to have that zero-sum mindset where it's like, oh, no, if they got what they want, does that mean I'm falling behind? I think also there's the worry aspect where when someone you care about is happy, in the same way that you can predict your own future disappointment when you're happy, people are often like, what if they get their heart broken? What if this doesn't work out? Are they just getting their hopes up? So many people I talk to, they say they wish the people who love them would join them when something good happens instead of immediately trying to protect them. Poking holes. Protect them. Yeah. Yeah, I think there's also some element, too, and this one I'm quite compassionate towards is, like, I think people have an immediate fear, like, am I necessary anymore? If this person is fulfilled and happy, like, well, I'm happy. Like, will I be invited along for the ride? Interesting. Or does this signal that they're going in one direction and I won't be included? All of these fears make sense. You know, I think you just have to have some compassion for yourself when those thoughts and feelings emerge and set a priority on experiencing a moment of closeness with this other person to really view it as an opportunity. This person will love you so much if you are happy for them and with them. It's such a choice you can make to prioritize the relationship. Yes. Totally. You know, I love that there are people who have done research on this where they actually tell people something good happened to someone you know. no, and they didn't tell you, how do you feel? And people are hurt. Of course. And they say, I can't count on this person because they're like, why? Why would this person not want to share it with me? And so in the same way that if we experience envy, we may think we were protecting other people by not letting them know when we're happy or good things happen. But we're complex. Even people who might experience that jealousy or that fear, they don't want to be left in the dark about it. I think that one's tricky. I don't think it's binary. So it's like, I think it's all right to assess. There are people in your life that are not good with certain information, and some are. I would say treat it like a hypothesis, test it. And when you choose to be that person, when you start modeling it yourself, you're more likely to find the people who are going to also reciprocate. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. The last thing I want you to tell me about is kind of the collectiveness of joy. Collective joy is when people are experiencing something positive together, and they're showing their enjoyment, their positive emotions in a way that pulls everybody into a sense of being bigger than self. And my favorite version of it is at concerts. I love the moments when people are holding up the phone lights now or the confetti drop. Sports. Happens in sports. Yeah, they didn't win the game. They're sitting in the stands, but somehow they won the game. I often compare collective joy to those moments of connection that we're in the happy database. When you feel closer connected to someone, it's like we're in a little bubble. There's a bubble around us. I feel safe. I trust you. Yeah. It draws us closer together. When you experience joy with a lot of people at once, what it does is it makes you feel like you belong to a society that is good and that you are accepted for who you are just because you're human. It's a different kind of connection. And when you look at the effects of feeling collective joy, whether it's at a concert or a sporting event or at any place where people are laughing or smiling or applauding or singing, people say they're more hopeful about life. They're more confident. They can meet the challenges in their own life, but also that the biggest problems in the world are solvable. It's this kind of uplift that makes you feel good about humanity. It's a particular form of joy that when we lost it during the pandemic, I felt it so deeply. It's one that a lot of people still have a lot of resistance to. It's one that I'm often nudging people. Like if there's a place you can go where there are going to be a lot of people enjoying something that you enjoy to put yourself in, that environment, even if someone's going to spill their drink on you and it's going to be too many people, you'll feel crowded. It's a type of feeling of belonging and hopefulness that really makes people want to be alive. It's that way of connection that we talked about where bodies and brains are syncing up. You literally are having access to a joy that is big. The joy itself is bigger than your container. You sense that as a peak experience. That's why for big sporting events, like this is what happened during the Knicks, this is right. I know everyone was sending me videos of that. They were like, I wish you were here. It was so fun. And then, of course, there's some people that are like, you don't even like them. It's like, I don't. I don't care. But I like this feeling. I like that everyone is talking about it and excited and wanting the same thing. But like the Eras tour concert also is the same situation where you're just like, I am. I'm part of something. I'm alive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I got to just see it from the outside, which was a unique beauty to it. It was like, I'm taking my daughter to another country to see this concert. And I'm seeing all these Swifties from all over the world. And I'm like looking at all these little girls and I'm like, oh, my God, this is so sweet. How united they all are over this. I recently went to a Benton Boone concert, not really knowing his music too much. But I kept hearing that parents were taking their kids to their first concert because the kids really wanted to see him. Yeah. I thought, I want to be in that space. And it was amazing. There was right in front of me. It was a dad with his kid who was young. And the kid was so excited. And the dad was excited because the kid was excited. And that energy was everywhere at the concert. Yeah. It's about as pure as it gets when you go to any kind of concert that skews towards younger people. Okay. This is interesting. This is a good explanation for me. I feel kind of guilty about this, but I always want to like go out as opposed to doing a home hang. Not always girls' nights, but sometimes we'll do like friends' dinners or planning. And I'm like, I think we should go. I think we should go out instead of doing it at home. And I think it's because there's something about being in an environment where everyone's doing the same thing. Strangers are doing the same thing that you're doing. I don't know. I'm just realizing. The apex experience of that is Disneyland. There's no other place you can go on planet earth. I've heard so many people say this to me recently. I've never been. Oh, you have to go because yes, because there's something so much bigger going on than the amusement park, which itself is spectacular. I mean, you'll go and you'll just have to admire how clean they keep it, how well it's run. There's a reason it is what it is. That's one element. But where else on earth are you going to go where all 30,000 people there have decided they're going to have a great day today? The palpable energy of that is so infectious. You can't study joy and not go to Disney. I guess I just don't have any connection to like the Disney properties. It won't matter. Being childlike is not like my, I really don't think it'll matter. It won't matter. It won't matter. It won't matter. I'll report back. The rest of the world does not exist inside of there by design. The way they've arranged the park. You can't see any highways. You can't see any outside. Like if there was a building, they planted a tree that like you are encapsulated in a fake world. I would be the person who would just sit in the middle and just watch. Yeah. Oh, so much people watching on planet earth. Okay. So your book is called joy is a risk worth taking. I hope everyone reads it. It's fantastic. This has been a blast. Thank you so much, Kelly. Thank you for coming. I'm a healthcare expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's got to let them have the facts. Time for my toothpicks. So I have these, um, I have hard gel on my nails and I feel currently claustrophobic with them. I need it off. And they're a little challenging to get off, right? Yeah. I think I have. I have to go somewhere. No, I think it's not right. Gals in my house know how to remove them. They do. Cause the girls have wanted them and they may have gotten claustrophobic. No, I get them off or one falls off and then they want them all off. This is like on so deep. Like it's not, will you ever get them again? I got them twice because the first time was for a birthday present, which was very nice. But then I paid and then it was like, no. Oh, that was supposed to be a birthday present. Interesting. So then I got it again as the, as the birthday present. Okay. But then, so the lady who did it just then removed it and did the new one. Oh, okay. And now we're in a situation because they're awesome. I would do them again, but I don't want them on always. I want them to be off now for a bit. Okay. And I don't know what to do. How long have they been on? Okay. The first time was my birthday. August 24th. Yep. A month later was the second round. So September 24th. Yeah. So they've been on for a month and a week. Too long. How long are they supposed to be on? Like a month. A year? No. Oh. Like a month. And then. Because they start growing out, right? And then there's a gap between your real nails. Okay. And that's what's driving you. What part, what aspect is the one that drives you nuts? There's something weirdly claustrophobic about it. And then I, earlier this week, like shaved them all down a ton because they were too long. Sure. And even now they're feeling. Still too long. And are they getting in the way of some of your. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Typing is not as easy. I was, I was using my little Zoom recorder this morning to record and I couldn't open the flap and I was getting very. Panicked. Worked up. Overly panicked about it. I was getting really, really, really worked up. Yeah. And then I'd use a knife to, I mean, a scissors to open that thing. Sure. God, saying a scissors is so something my dad says. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. You had to get scissors to open it. Yeah. Oh, scissors. Exactly. Anyway, so I just feel stuck and I wanted to tell you. Okay. So if you're a little bit irritable or cagey, that's why. Okay. I had another question for you that I wrote down. Another one? Was that last thing a question for me? Mm-hmm. Mm. No, you have a real way of when you find out that I might be a little on the edge. To poke the bear. To just push it. You're kind of a. Badger. You're not a bear. You're kind of like a badger. Well, what? They're cute and small. But they're absolutely fearless and they fight every animal they come across. Are they cute? I think so. Mm. Yeah, you used to think chinchillas were cute. I still think chinchillas. I think all of the world thinks chinchillas are cute. They don't even have a rib cage. Someone told me in response to the Frank story that their chinchilla they thought was gone, but then they found it somewhere crazy. It's the craziest word to see spelled. As well, chinchilla. Yeah. There's like six or seven H's in it. Uh-huh. A ton of C's. Chinchillas have a recurring place in my life because in college, my roommates, Callie and Christina, were joking about getting a chinchilla and I really, for some reason, was like, "Ew, no." And then they, like you, wanted to poke the badger, I guess, and really could not stop teasing. Threatening to buy. And threatening. Yeah. And I hated it. But they never went so far as to get one just to. you would have loved it. stupid they're like uh they're like made for a pet store i don't even know how they live i don't like it it looks they're fake they're like seahorses yeah just like seahorses okay all right so the second question you're gonna ask me um i want to talk about bidets oh okay because you have your toilets are bidet have bidets built in they're brondles they're a toilet seat that goes on top of the normal bowl and it sprays warm water correct in your hiney or your vagina and air if you want to dry yeah i don't use that option but yeah okay and yeah you guys have it you've had it your old house too they are nice i've used it yeah i told you i didn't have it in europe i think that's why i got a hemorrhoid okay yeah so okay so then and toto also beautiful japanese version yeah so we've talked about this before and i think you said you don't have why don't you have a toto or a brondle or something yeah it's kind of crazy to me and i was like no i don't need that i don't whatever that's i don't want it but then i started you know i was like why don't i like why wouldn't i have just put that in or why what didn't anyone like bring that up to me to maybe put in or well my suspicion was always like man you will definitely put fashion over function like it's not attractive so that's no one wanted you to have it and that turns out to be correct and i'll tell you how i know so at first i was like oh but i don't i've never had it so i don't you don't miss it or when you're here do you not use it every now and then but not really no okay but when i was in palm springs for uh jess's birthday they had one in the hotel yeah and i use it and i was like oh it's especially for the morning business it's nice to clean i just don't think twice about it i don't know that you need to use one when you pee that's not a huge problem i don't know that you need to use one when you pee that's not a huge deal but when you go number two escalate yeah it to a number two sure then i think it's you upgrade yeah yeah yeah so but i've just never been like that's kind of that's like extra i don't really need to spend money on that okay so then my parents were here i hope this doesn't get back to them my parents were here my parents were here and um like a day or two in my dad was like i'm gonna order a add-on bidet like a hose like a tushy but it's a hose and now this is because i don't and i said oh yeah because i don't have but dude using a hose well it's no it's got a spray nozzle yes and it's called it always grosses me out when i'm at like an old-fashioned hotel and they i do too like what i'm gonna fucking well it's what you're doing but i'm not holding a fucking uh a nozzle like i'm in the garden i know spraying everywhere yeah okay well for him it was he at this point needed it he was like they have at their house they're they're all set he has no i think they have regular ones okay but i don't and then at this point they're like they're they can't go to the bathroom without this same yeah yeah yeah and so it did make me think like wow first of all i need to now get these for your father minimally i guess so and also like wow if they're this good you can't go back like i should get it but also if you can't go back this is sort of like my i have this issue with the squatty potty because i use the squatty potty and i love it and now when i'm at hotels i notice the difference the trash can i've done it i've done that you gotta get those knees up yeah again my height you on a squatty potty is where my knees are naturally on the commode your feet barely touch the ground when you're on the toilet right or do they sometimes the leaning forward depends on how far back depends on which toilet yeah it just depends but um he took it out by the way he put it in and then he took it out he was like you just put it in for himself yeah well he asked do you want me to leave it i said no yeah so he took it out it looks too medical that version it looks like a hospital i know my mom was like you're gonna get water everywhere i'm sure he did um yeah what sucks the about the fact that you didn't build your house knowing you were going to have them is that you have an outlet put behind your toilet my dad said that's what my dad said and you probably don't have outlets behind your toilet right so then i of course had to text bill in the night on a weekend bothering him about poop toilets you know and i was like you started with um bill i just don't feel clean i could feel cleaner i think bill i've been thinking about it yeah i'm not as clean as i could be bill let's start there so i said i hate to bring this up at this stage in the process which is basically we're done yeah but is it possible to do this and he was like yes he was like anything's possible yes um but then he said aesthetically they're not optimal um which is probably why most certainly it did not come up yeah if ever there was a thing where you would say i'm prioritizing the it's like you're not showing off your toilet to guests anyways i know it's not like upstairs i mean i'm just gonna put one in my room and one in the upstairs i'm not putting them all over okay the totos look nice though we have totos in all of our do look yeah we have nice like they're nice looking toilets and they're not as like bulky on the seat god all y'all are so defensive of your bidets listen they look like crap they look like it looks like there's a microwave sitting on top of your toilet yeah but fucking get like if ever there was a thing where who cares how it looks it's such a toilet is all about function like what if you thought the hole was was um grotesque there was the hole in the toilet was just too big and so you had toilets with the tiny hole that looked more elegant and then never you're constantly plunging it i mean that's to me similar i have a toilet in the front like the um powder in that's it could never ever be a toto or a brondel it's green it is like mint green the the tank is in the wall so you just have that could never be it's so elegant i never use it because i am afraid to make it look dirty yeah or like sometimes i'm like well what if it gets clogged i can't get to the tank or not clogged but it's really cool i'm constantly monkeying with the other ones i'm maybe this one for some i don't know just anyway okay so i probably am gonna get some bidets going okay great that will make me feel certainly more invited if i'm at your house you'll have to go upstairs to the jack and jill i would go anyways i'm not gonna go number two in your powder room at the front door when i could go upstairs but there's also one in the basement i would go there yeah that's the best place to go if you want to pop one in there too okay yeah i'm gonna pop one in there too if you want to pop one in there too if you want to pop one in there too you gotta watch for the automatic seats too because we put one in the boys bathroom and vinnie's so small that it just tries to shut on him all the time yeah i don't like automatic seat yeah we had to unplug it oh yeah okay because i've been urinating in one and it decides to close itself oh my god yeah you gotta get used to it yeah i don't need i can lift a fucking seat up these seem like a liability that's not a brondle okay anyway you know the name of our home in nashville is brondle springs that's right and then my dad sent me an article about somebody else having bidets oh mom donnie of course i'm like what celebrity would he be reading about no apparently they're all over the place but it makes way more sense he sent you mondani has it yeah i mean he read it somewhere he probably looked up who has bidets well the white socks you said this thing were uh they hit a double they would do this weird tickling motion because they got a japanese player that's had to have a bidet installed in the clubhouse and it was all the first time any of them had used it oh and they loved it it's like a weird yeah like the water maybe they would tickle him when he was on it no the water tickling the ass that's the hand motion they would make after they would hit a double oh my god guys this is too perverse double because the number two that's funny oh okay all right i thought they were tickling the poor japanese player while he was on the toilet no i've never ever heard a complaint all right when i hear non-stop as people come out of bathroom going like fuck what how do i get one of those i wish i had one yeah yeah yeah well anyway that's an update big update on my life i'm gonna probably be getting a bidet two or three bidets in january oh great in january okay well we've we've put a pin in for a long time now you can see everything and rob you've seen it yes i did okay okay you can see everything the documentary about recently um nathan fielder and lance oppenheim about elizabeth holmes people really were freaked out by our connection yes our connection to billy evans the husband um okay so you've since seen it yeah i want to start globally with a couple things okay like i had already i had watched the documentary i knew a lot about her did you yes you did too yeah but i didn't read bad blood i am so confused by the mass confusion about whether or not people are debating whether she she knows she did anything wrong that is what are you talking about she knows she knows we know she knew well in her company she She separated her accounting team from, like, she did so many things to hide this. I know. She couldn't possibly not know. But don't you think that the brain is powerful enough? You don't believe she thinks at this stage that— No. Really? That it works? No, it doesn't work. It's never worked. No, not that it works. Not that it works. I think, you know, in the scene, even though that wasn't even the machine, did you know that? The machine they show in the movie is not the machine that was not working, but whatever. I believe that a human brain is capable of compartmentalizing in a very, very, very scary way. That if you are not in it, you are like, what? Like, you truly can't wrap your head around it, and it makes zero sense. I don't know if she has convinced herself, but I think it's possible, too. By the way, what does that matter? Like, first of all— Like, I don't know. Like, the bottom line is, like, I almost feel like the discourse is, like, they believe her. This machine has always been a scam. No, no. It has always been a hoax. Yeah. I don't think that's the—I don't think the confusion is whether the machine works. The confusion is whether she believes in it. Well, but she told investors that they had $100 million in revenue on the year that they had $100,000. She is a pathological liar. I know, but that's a deeper question about pathological. Yeah, I don't believe they don't know at all. Isn't part of it, too, that maybe Sonny was manipulating her the same way Billie was? Some people wonder that, but she didn't have to know. This is a weird thing. These two things are happening in the gender space about this, which is fascinating. Uh-huh. Like, it's like both are working in concert, even though they both nullify each other, which is like—I'm seeing posts like, oh, she just did what every male did, and if she was male, she wouldn't be going to prison. Well, Sonny went to prison. Right. So. Yeah. So, forget that. Yeah. And whatever. But there's that argument, right? Uh-huh. Which is like, she was just being male. Now, because she's female, she's in trouble. I'm like, no, she defrauded people out of a billion dollars. She did. And then secondly, the other one is just like, she's some defenseless vessel that Billie's controlling. Well, he is insanely controlled. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. Let's just be clear. Oh, my God. He's a vile piece of shit. But those two are a match made in heaven. They are. I agree with you. They are a deception team. This desire to like diminish her agency and say she's just the victim of these two men. Like, the guy can be a piece of shit without her being. She can also be a piece of shit. Sure. Yeah. But I think, I mean, like the dad, her dad is in it, you know, and her dad is convinced. This is, to me, the great clue of why she is the way she is. As soon as you see that the dad is willing. Going along with this complete fairy tale, as opposed to confronting his daughter that, no, hon, your thing doesn't work. Tells me that this guy has, that's her childhood. She was obviously, no one ever told her, no, hon, time out. What you're saying is not true. I know it's, there's no way the dad adopted this style later in life. It tells me that they've always been afraid to tell her the truth and confront her delusions. Okay. That might be true. But even more, to me, then, even more evidence that she believes it. Because I do think if you are never told that what you're saying is wrong or crazy or makes no sense or you're believing your own bullshit or something's wrong with you. But even if a jury tells you. No, I think if you've been told your whole life that you've never been pushed back on, then you believe it. Like, you really believe it. You really believe crazy shit. We should be granular. Because one thing I will agree or concede to is, do I think she might believe it's possible? Yes. Yes. Do I think she might be convinced that it could still work? Uh-huh. Sure. Does she know for sure it does not work? Yes. I think she, she thinks it works, like, in theory. Like, this is the, this is, there's a whole conversation. There's a whole conversation between Nathan and her about the word can. Which is ironic because you can see everything, you know, is clearly, that's sort of a play on that. Yeah. And it is weird because, you know, I guess I sort of see what she's saying. And I was like, I mean, I am able to do, I see what she is saying and what she is saying. That's her best lie she's come up with currently. But I guess. She's trying to pretend. She's trying to pretend like she was saying it could. Okay. And then this is also one of the scenes, right, where he says, what's your definition of a lie? And first of all, she says she's never lied. I mean, right away, I don't know why anyone's making any arguments in defense of her. Also, Billy is a piece of shit. Yeah, I fucking hate him. But she's smart enough to have a bad guy. He's doing all of her bidding. He's launching her company again with her. He's sitting there and lying to the camera. He's, she wants money for the film. And he's taking it on the chin. That we know. We don't know that, though. Well, let me ask you this. I am soon. We do know. You have to be on, the word know. I'll tell you why we know. Okay. It's a really simple deduction. Okay. She said they did talk about. Some stuff. Right, some stuff. Monica, there's only one thing. The only thing that was talked about was that they wanted money. But, Dax, you are technically filling in some legs. I agree with you that likely. Okay. That this is very. Very likely. Just try to imagine the conversation. What did you guys talk about? About it coming out in theaters. Oh, okay. I know, I know, I know. But see how. You can't really imagine the scenario where they had a conversation about what he just talked to them about. Where they're not talking about money. He could have just said, yeah, we ran through the deal agreements and we signed it. I mean, look, I think the big question, which maybe you don't, clearly, is not what's real and what's not real. Mm-hmm. But what does reality mean? What does truth mean? Is it subjective or not? And that even goes into the love out there, their relationship, right? Yeah, so let's take that one at a time. Okay. But that, to me, is the most interesting part of the whole thing. But reality in this specific case is not subjective at all. This machine either works or doesn't. I know. Right? But whether to her, her invention is real or not. Right, is not subjective. To her. Not to the world or my reality or your reality. I just think it's interesting. Like, I just, it's because of all the crying. Like, I don't know why everyone's trying to come to her defense. Nathan was. I'm not defending her. But, like, it is a defense of her to go like, well, I know she's saying, but she believes it. That's a little get out of jail freak. It's not. She should be punished for this. I'm not saying that, oh, no. She believes it. So, actually, it's fine. Like, no. Okay. It's like what we say often on here. It doesn't, it's still your responsibility. Why is it plausible to everyone that someone that got in. Because people are very fucked up. Well, that's true. People are, the brain. That's true. But someone who got into Stanford who sees that the machine does not produce the results that she was hoping it would and then goes and buys these Siemens machines to cover up for that. I'm confused how someone thinks. She doesn't know it doesn't work. Because she had to go buy the machines. She did everything to hide and solve it. She's probably saying Sunny did that. If she really thought it worked, she'd go, look, it worked. She doesn't think it has worked. She thinks it has the capacity to work. And that's fucked up because anything has the capacity to work. That's right. Later, there's a man that it says, like, oh, yeah, they're all, everyone's lying about their products. They're all saying it can do something that it can't do right now in general. Like, they're all lying. They're all doing this. Yeah, they're all doing this. She is a symptom of this much broader sickness, which is venture capital and Silicon Valley, which is to bore people they already know. Venture capitalists have a very specific betting strategy. They're going to invest in 70 companies and they know 65 of them are going to fail. And they know five are going to hit so big that ultimately it'll be a net win. Yes. And because that is the approach, that is not how anyone can live their life or trust people. No one. No one can work on a margin of five to 70. But because the few founders, they're all delusional. They're all delusional, yeah. But because five of the 70 were less delusional and the victory was so big, we've embraced a system that allows for this rampant lying and delusion because it has paid off so big for Google, for Tesla. This is, she is but a symptom of this larger sickness of our, that wing of capitalism. It's rewarding. It's rewarding a system that is delusional and there's a lot of lying and bullshit involved because this handful of people weren't full of shit. Well, but that's then what people are, maybe some people are saying, well, all these other people should go to jail too, which some of them do. Which is like, I think we're, we're, we're a little focused on this one symptom as opposed to this symptom versus this whole systems what created this. Like 40 years ago before venture capitalists, she comes in and pitches general elections. electric to manufacture this device, they're going to go make it work and then when it doesn't work they're not going to give her a dollar yeah but we're in the system now where she's like look and they don't even make her make it work but that's part of the question that's been the question from the beginning is how did she convince everyone all these people to give her money when her thing didn't even work and yeah no one's even asking to see this like how did she do that yeah of course eric and i were arguing a bunch right because he loves these big companies and he loves vc and he's like right um you know but so you know elon too looked crazy and it's like again we can't have a system that accounts for five percent of the people being correct well also that's insane they can't be lying outright which i guess a lot i mean a lot of them do in the culture because there have been these people that were lying and then ultimately did pull the rabbit out of the hat like elon yeah several of them yeah we go well fuck it we can incur this much deception in lying because when it does work it's going to be so big and that's just a really fucked up system of evaluating risk that somehow this vc thing has infected our whole landscape with but also with this because it was medical and then there was some misdiagnosis of people going to walgreens in or whatever cvs whatever partnership she had and getting wrong results yeah like they had hiv and stuff and they didn't so like yes this is a this i mean some vcs and startups and stuff they're lying and quote they're lying or exaggerating or whatever they're saying it's not so far having an impact on people's day-to-day or their health or whatever whereas in this case this woman came in and i do think a lot of it is gendered it's very gendered it's that she came in and sort of wooed all these people yeah men yeah and it was a big lie she has kind of hypnotic eyes she but to me this is what i i'm like i find them very off-putting i say no offense to her but it the fact that all these men could be wooed by her bambi eyes by this kind of like i'm i'm sorry absurd absurd eye contact and she looks to me very absurd and i think to a lot of women she does and there is something kind of interesting at like huh all these women are all these men were just totally swindled by this kind of crazy but they were i don't even know that they were swindled like because again they were vc people like they don't even know like henry kissinger or whatever like there's like once we got down to swindling the whether it was walgreens or cbs or whatever one it was but like politicians and then people normal people started investing so then yeah she was swindling those everyone but i said i said her stare and i we have a mutual acquaintance that has this which is like the illusion of presence and focus with absolute vacancy behind it it's a very eerie it's so scary it's like ultra focused and present but also you can see behind the eyes there's nothing there well i read something that was i think a psychologist like really breaking down she was especially saying how you do it there's like a way to like lift like lift your eyelid i just invented a pinprick it'll tell you what day you die exactly you lift your eyelid and then you don't you don't blink ever blink but she said that really is a mood for just a mode of disassociation she's like you see a lot of people who are disassociated doing that so which to me again is sort of indicative of like yeah she's like not the one thing i will say i believe is that her brain does not work the way a lot of other people's brains work i think she's just going to like she's in denial and she's gonna try to reality force field the way her hero g steve jobs did just like i'm gonna i'm gonna warp reality around me yeah so that everyone believes this lie i'm selling again back to our original thing i agree it's like i'm i need this reality to be so true because i can't handle the shame of course an embarrassment of admitting it but so but then to her it is and that doesn't again doesn't mean she can't think you've done all that cover up if she if she didn't know i again i guess i don't know then i'm talking about her now her in the dock her with time her about to go to jail i think her brain believes it i really do again that doesn't mean anything other than the brain to me the brain is so powerful do you think she knew who's on first or not yeah you do yeah i just think she'd have to be such a good actress i almost want to read it out loud this thing i read it might be a little long but let me let me just quickly see if it's just a couple pages it might be more stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare we get support from skims okay i have a confession i genuinely love matching pajamas it's the best part of christmas morning really everyone in the same matching set looking cute in front of the tree i love matching pajamas i'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season because i got them spoiler to my friends who are listening the same skims pajama set i've been living in they are so soft and cozy and they look cute so you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate cozy it's so great how skims has sets for everyone too women's men's kids even your pets so nobody in your life has to be left out this year i have a bunch of different pajama sets one of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set okay tell me more so comfortable very chic too the top is a button down but very very soft easy to sleep in but as i said before you can multi-purpose this and look super cute hot chocolate runs it's like the pajamas we grew up in except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that no one would signed up for all the nostalgia none of the discomfort shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com after you place your order be sure to let them know we sent you select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select armchair expert in the drop down menu that follows if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list the skims holiday shop is now open at skims.com a licensed psychotherapist explains what elizabeth holmes teaches us about our own susceptibility i do want to credit this person it's on hello joe nucci is where i found it okay is elizabeth holmes intentionally manipulative potentially a psychopath or did she get carried away with her ambitions and get used by the powerful men around her yeah i don't think it's as black and white as all of that but yeah let's hear what it says many people feel like the film's appeal is in fact that there's no clear answer here but i disagree as a licensed psychotherapist who spends his time in entrepreneurial circles i actually think the answer is fairly clear one of one these things aren't mutually exclusive manipulators can also be used two it's incredibly transparent that holmes knows exactly what she's doing and is more than willing to lie and manipulate to get her way the interesting part is why it's tempting to second guess ourselves there are so many examples of intentional manipulation in the film the most relevant example of this is that even when she is going to prison for 11 years she is trying to rebuild theranos her partner has raised millions for a new blood testing startup and she is reportedly advising him on it from prison which the company denies even though the film shows her and her partner planning a new version of the technology together people want to paint this as her passion or evidence she had good intentions but what i am noticing is the astonishing lack of shame even if she's innocent you would expect an innocent person in her extraordinary situation to at least show a little shame or guilt for having misled people intentionally or not the quote normal response when most of society thinks she did something wrong is to at least consider whether or not you did something wrong when you are unable to do that you deserve the accusations of being antisocial because you are breaking a standard norm and social contract you don't invite a documentary filmmaker into your home and pretend you don't understand why you're going to jail and when the documentarian when the documentary filmmaker asks you if you've ever told a white lie you don't act confused about what he means not unless you are enjoying the emotional disorientation you are inflicting see i think she a lot of the times was enjoying that's i've heard this take yep there's a scene where fielder asked holmes the question everyone has wanted to ask for a decade did she lie about what edison the machine holmes was building at theranos could do can it run hundreds of blood tests from a single drop of blood she insists that the machine's capabilities are real and that she never defrauded anyone it was all dependent on the chemistries and communication with the clouds so the program could run the machine properly notice what she did here because if you don't know anything about the machine you're not going to use this technique on you in your life what holmes gave fielder is a conditional the machine could do everything provided the chemistries existed but the chemistries were the product that's like saying a car can fly if you develop the right wings the rhetoric trick is defining the hard part as a detail that sits outside the claim maybe she didn't understand that when she said it can run any test people heard it runs any test but blowers who came forward actually killed this claim. The record kills her to deniability. She didn't tell investors that the machines works pending other advances in chemistry. The chemistry was the product. She was selling the test through Walgreens and real people with real health problems were getting results from them. Even further, she said the tests were running on her Edison device while most were run on modified Siemens machines and the jury found that intent. Fielder's charitable reading that she misunderstood how people heard her requires her to have been confused for a decade and only about the one thing she was selling. Horses, not zebras. In fact, there's one piece of testimony in The Inventor on HBO where employees report engineers and chemists not being able to talk to each other. That's not how an ambitious business person runs a company, not even one willing to exaggerate or lie to keep investors happy. That's not the behavior of an inventor. That's the behavior of someone keeping people trapped in silos and profiting off of it. The better meditation is not whether or not she's self-aware, even if she qualifies as a psychopath. The point is that the answers are in front of you, but it can feel so hard to accept them. In a lot of ways, I think what Elizabeth Holmes gives the public is a gift. The film does a beautiful job of demonstrating in a very artistic way that regardless of how obviously you can see everything, anybody can get emotionally twisted up in a web of fake tears and clever rhetoric. That's why the film ends with Amanda Seyfried questioning Fielder on whether or not he cares about Holmes too much to be impartial. Ironically, the only person in the movie who is officially acting is the one who finally stops the performance and asks the real question. She played Holmes for a living. She knows what the act looks like from the inside, and she suspects that Nathan has been pulled into it. As an audience, we are caught on the edge of witnessing Nathan's disorientation while gleefully allowing ourselves to get pulled into it, at least for a moment of jaw-dropping laughter. That's the real appeal of the film. Holmes and her husband, who I believe is every bit as manipulative as she is, use moments of emotional distortion, the tears in her eyes, and the tears in her eyes, and the tears in her eyes, to play with Nathan. Through Nathan, they play with us, and we let them because the deal is irresistible. We get up close and personal with a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde without risking anything real ourselves. We get to feel the pull of two very good manipulators from a safe seat and then argue about whether she meant it on the way home from the theater. I mean, I agree with pretty much all of that. I don't think she believed it necessarily when she was doing it. Well, look, she believes they're in love, and I actually believe they're in love. And it's all manipulation. But what's the difference if you believe, I mean, this, again, it's like there's, there's, everything's being mirrored. But love is subjective, right? It's not objective. We can't measure it. I can't possibly tell whether she has love for him and he has love for her. I'm inclined to think they do love each other. And I think the bond created by being two people against the universe, like they're the only two people in the world besides that bozo with the laser company who's acting like, he has a solution now. Yeah. That's a very bonding and unifying position to be in. Which is made up. There's no you two against the world. That's a made up prison. Well, I mean, the whole world's telling you you're a fraud and you and your husband are claiming you're not a fraud. So that's like, in that sense, it's you two versus everyone else agrees that you're a fraudster. Well, you're saying she knows she is. Yeah. So then that is like, if you really believe you're not, this other person really believes you're not. And that, to me, that's, that is us two against the world. That is we, but if it's like, we're together conning everyone, to me, that's a little different of a feeling. See, I think you see this a lot in like addict codependent relationships where it's like, they're living in a complete fairy tale. One person's not an addict and everyone around them knows that it's very obvious. And I think that weird dimension makes them closer. Yeah. Not, not in a healthy way, but, but it, but it makes you, cause you only have that person now. It's like, you two are perpetuating this lie. We know it's a bonding. It is. And it is not real. I mean, again, this is back to, this is like, this is why I find this movie so interesting. To me, it's on all the levels of this. It's like, what is real and does it matter? Because to me, it's like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. He obviously watching them and like he has power of attorney over her. He is. Oh, the Twitter part. The Twitter. That is incredible. I mean, running her Twitter. Trying to be able to fuck off. Yeah. Fuck. Yes. It made me want to rejoin X just to follow her. Oh, my God. And instigate him. Well, even I love, I mean, I think one of the first questions Nathan asked him is like, why did you like her? Exactly. And it's like, yeah, he doesn't have. Because he went there. He saw a ticket. 100%. Also, just, I mean, there's so much. Like, I also, I'm exposed to so many people that have learned the seven words from investing and or tech and they repeat them, but they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And he kept using all these go-to fucking Silicon Valley words. Yeah. And I'm like, you don't know how to run a goddamn business. You don't know how to fucking do anything. You found, your parents are rich and then you found a meal ticket. Yep. And you're riding it. But he found a meal ticket, but he also. And he also chose very interestingly because he found one that he knew was like going to jail. And so it's, it's, it was an interesting choice. I'm not a psychoanalyst. I can't say this, but he, he appears to me to have a degree of narcissism. Yes, 100%. That I do think for a narcissist, fame is good, period. Yeah. Just to be famous would be good. Doesn't matter if you're famous for being a fraudster. Just the envy of the attention. Yeah. That this person demands. I think if you're a narcissist is appealing. I don't think you care what it's derived from. Yeah. You're just like, fuck, I wish everyone in the world was talking about me. I wish I was on magazine covers and. Yeah, maybe. I don't, I don't know. I mean, he was ready to be in the stock. I'll tell you that. Well, they call, they made the stock happen. This was their idea. And he wanted to be filmed showering, which is so great. That was the most revealing part of his character. It's also so, it was. It was so, so it's of course so funny because all the men. And my life is, that's the very first thing they brought up was his penis. Oh yeah. Yeah. Being shown. And none of the women brought that up at all, which I do think is telling or just interesting. And I, for me, I was like, oh my God, this person chose to not only keep it in. There's a camera crew right outside his shower with the shower open. That's what Chris is initially. Of course, she's such a benefit of the doubt person. She goes, well, they. He might've thought they were filming from above. I said, but honey, you have to remember he had to have the shower door open. Exactly. You can't get that shot from inside the shower above the waist. The doors open. Yeah. Yeah. And then come to find out, I think Nathan said in an interview recently that he requested. He did. It was Lance. They were driving home and he, he said, do you want to film me showering? Yeah. From the workout montage. It's not only do I believe she's like under his spell. I do think that in the love realm, in the love realm, not in the business realm, necessarily. I think he is too. Like, I do think they feel bonded and that they're building monuments of love and it's so grandiose and it's so, it's scary. It actually is scary because it's not anywhere close to what a real relationship is and what real healthy, safe, secure love is. They believe it. And like, who am I to say, you know, I guess it's like, I guess I can say, I don't want that. The doc on a positive note made me love Amanda Seyfried. I'm obsessed with her. I love her. Just calling it like she sees it. No bullshit. Not afraid to attack that dude and be like, no, no, what are you talking about? I loved her dust up with him. And she got under his skin so quick. He did. He lost, he totally lost control. He did. He knew that's not what he should do in the doc and he couldn't resist. Even what I also really liked about her is she comes off a little, there are some times where you're like, oh, like now, now her power trip is coming into play a little bit in this like, I want to, oh, I want to play her again. And then her, like you see everyone's personal power needs and wants sort of blip up and her, and even like when she's talking to Nathan and she's like, I can play her or whatever. And he's like, well, no, I, that's not the point. I don't want you to play her. I want her. And she's like, no, I know. But, and it's like, I love that she allowed that of herself too, to be shown. And then, yes, of course the last, the very last line in the movie, I believe is like, it's complicated. Yeah. And it, it is. I want to know, what is he doing right now? Billy? Yeah. I know. I don't know. On Twitter right now, probably responding to people. Oh, I think he saw, I think someone did send me that on Twitter, there was like, he posted a picture of her. And he said, she's perfect. I am not. Oh. Oh my. What a mess they've gotten themselves into. What a terrible way to spend a life on planet Earth. I mean, of course though. Fighting this lie, like just hunkered down in this lie. And the children piece that I went, like, that was really upsetting. For me, I just was best to not even consider. That was hard for me. Having those two as parents. To see these little people, they didn't choose any of this. And like. They came home. They came home from the hospital and this, this is the house they landed in. I know. And. Maybe they're great parents though. willing to say i don't know i'm not willing to say not either but maybe that's even that is why a lot of people are like oh god like heartstrings are being pulled you're seeing a baby literally nursing yeah and you know as she's going to jail like the milk's in the fridge you know of course like all these people you know it's really hard to watch that regardless of whether it's manipulative or not the the the reality is a mom was taken away from her children yeah and it did of course i was like does she really need to be in jail for that long like i mean she did i don't like what she did i'll tell you why when a guy goes and steals a car because he's desperate and we send him to prison yeah if someone steals a billion dollars from people yeah then what are we talking about i don't really think if you steal a car you need to be in jail that long that's the my that's my thing i in general think a lot of this is so stupid like murderers are come are you know i will say this is like back to the malcolm episode which is like for the small percentage of our murders 18 percent that are premeditated for an end that is when consequences are real they become a part of the analysis when it's a passionate thing no one's evaluating the consequences yeah but perpetuating a fraud on that level there has to be mega consequences because why else would people stop doing it i know but now it's like uh but then like now these everyone's so fucked up by the way she's out she's already getting out she's gonna be out by i just read that i did i heard she's going to like a halfway house in a second and then she'll be out by 30 you know she's in the same jail as key lane oh she is boy what a jail this is i'd love to stroll through there it's like a resort everyone i doubt it's like a resort yeah no he's like he's like you know my mom's like the food's good i was like no for you maybe because she loves all this yeah i don't think they need to be tortured while they're there but i definitely think when someone is looking in the mirror rehearsing their powerpoint demonstration they're going to give to investors i think they need to know like by the way you lie you might end up in jail for a decade i think that's important okay it's so long yeah but if you're weighing a billion dollars against a year i so many people right now would raise their hand yeah to do one year back one year in jail for a billion dollars didn't they have to give the money back well she never sold any shares is what their claim is so i don't think she had any to give back she never unloaded but had had she unloaded the money sold shares you'd have to pay it back if they could get it yeah but there's ways to yeah but anyways people would go to jail for a year for a billion dollars yeah for sure i don't know it's but not 10 i don't think anyone's willing to sell 10 years of their life for money but these two little kids i mean that part is tragic but i don't mind that she has to i know but that's the whole thing is like on face value it's like yes of course of course she has to go to prison that's very bad and then you see this family and you're like oh no this like again for every black mother right now whose child is rotting in fucking jail yeah if i'm them i'm like fucking throw her well she did a thousand times the damage my child i don't think those people should be in prison that's my whole but since we do that to them well i must do it to the white collar people if we're doing it then yes we have to do it here but i'd rather us just be smarter about this whole thing sure sure oh i forgot we have facts okay let's do some there's on joy oh interesting yeah um there's not very many i wondered how we evolved to clap it says it's a mix of simple physical impulse and an ancient social tradition hitting the palms together is an easy instinctive way to make a sharp loud noise using compressed air duh okay while able to make a sharp loud noise using compressed air okay while able to make a sharp loud noise using compressed air okay while able to make a sharp loud noise using compressed air duh sometimes clap or bang objects when excited or captive wild apes rarely do it as a standard social signal for humans the physical motion likely grew out of basic displays of energy attention getting or excitement infant development babies often learn to clap naturally through playful imitation long before they understand formal etiquette yeah i'm certainly clapped as a homo erectus before we spoke to make to say like i'm here or just give it's like an easy way to give um agreement yeah reward yeah i'm certainly clapped as a homo erectus before we spoke to make to say like i'm here positive feedback early human clapping function as a way to signal unity alliance or shared rhythm in a alliance or shared rhythm in a alliance or shared rhythm in a group without escalating into conflict group without escalating into conflict group without escalating into conflict okay um the jpl okay um the jpl okay um the jpl life detector specialized electronic life detector specialized electronic life detector specialized electronic device used by emergency and rescue device used by emergency and rescue device used by emergency and rescue teams to locate survivors trapped under teams to locate survivors trapped under teams to locate survivors trapped under collapsed buildings rubble or debris collapsed buildings rubble or debris collapsed buildings rubble or debris it's called finder right it says life it's called finder right it says life it's called finder right it says life detector oh detector oh detector oh but there's there's a bunch of them oh but there's there's a bunch of them oh but there's there's a bunch of them oh finder is the nasa spin-off oh finder is the nasa spin-off oh finder is the nasa spin-off oh f-i-n-d-e-r finding individuals for f-i-n-d-e-r finding individuals for f-i-n-d-e-r finding individuals for disaster and emergency response you know disaster and emergency response you know disaster and emergency response you know i like that it's an acronym and it i like that it's an acronym and it i like that it's an acronym and it explains it yes it's cool it's unreal explains it yes it's cool it's unreal explains it yes it's cool it's unreal yeah it's to detect a heartbeat under yeah it's to detect a heartbeat under yeah it's to detect a heartbeat under yeah 50 feet of rubble from the top of a yeah 50 feet of rubble from the top of a yeah 50 feet of rubble from the top of a mountain if i go missing can you like mountain if i go missing can you like mountain if i go missing can you like please borrow it yeah but they'll hear please borrow it yeah but they'll hear please borrow it yeah but they'll hear heartbeats all over the city they won't heartbeats all over the city they won't heartbeats all over the city they won't be able to be able to be able to you got to be in an area right where i'm you got to be in an area right where i'm you got to be in an area right where i'm just telling you just telling you just telling you i will do it but you have to be in the i will do it but you have to be in the i will do it but you have to be in the right situation so don't do it in the right situation so don't do it in the right situation so don't do it in the middle la middle la middle la i can't control where they steal me okay i can't control where they steal me okay i can't control where they steal me okay okay like all right i wish i could okay okay like all right i wish i could okay okay like all right i wish i could okay i'll say yes i'll say yes i'll say yes thank you god just learn to say yes thank you god just learn to say yes thank you god just learn to say yes something okay i'll just participate in something okay i'll just participate in something okay i'll just participate in this lie this lie this lie no you could get it and even if it's a no you could get it and even if it's a no you could get it and even if it's a futile thing futile thing futile thing even if you know it's not going to work even if you know it's not going to work even if you know it's not going to work you could do it okay you could do it okay you could do it okay you know well just they're going to hear you know well just they're going to hear you know well just they're going to hear i would do that i would do that if you i would do that i would do that if you i would do that i would do that if you went missing i would borrow this and i went missing i would borrow this and i went missing i would borrow this and i would just walk around would just walk around would just walk around okay and check every heartbeat i came okay and check every heartbeat i came okay and check every heartbeat i came across across across just in case okay okay that's really just in case okay okay that's really just in case okay okay that's really that's how much i care about you okay that's how much i care about you okay that's how much i care about you okay okay you're you're not gonna find me is okay you're you're not gonna find me is okay you're you're not gonna find me is the only problem that's not you you have the only problem that's not you you have the only problem that's not you you have no faith okay okay the hernan diaz book no faith okay okay the hernan diaz book no faith okay okay okay the hernan diaz book is trust that he won the pulitzer is trust that he won the pulitzer is trust that he won the pulitzer that was a very big book i did buy it that was a very big book i did buy it that was a very big book i did buy it pulitzer trust trust the book and i pulitzer trust trust the book and i pulitzer trust trust the book and i didn't get around to reading yeah well didn't get around to reading yeah well didn't get around to reading yeah well yet yet that's my that's my false yet yet that's my that's my false yet yet that's my that's my false reality yeah you're gonna read all those reality yeah you're gonna read all those reality yeah you're gonna read all those books you have books you have books you have but yeah be like i would say have you but yeah be like i would say have you but yeah be like i would say have you read all these books and you'd say yes read all these books and you'd say yes read all these books and you'd say yes yeah because i can read all these no yeah because i can read all these no yeah because i can read all these no that's not yes i have the capacity to that's not yes i have the capacity to that's not yes i have the capacity to read them i will have you read all read them i will have you read all read them i will have you read all these books i will be reading them yes these books i will be reading them yes these books i will be reading them yes well is that the same because yeah does well is that the same because yeah does well is that the same because yeah does this machine work it turns on it this machine work it turns on it this machine work it turns on it doesn't work just like you haven't doesn't work just like you haven't doesn't work just like you haven't read the turns on and it it will work read the turns on and it it will work read the turns on and it it will work when we have the chemistry i've noticed when we have the chemistry i've noticed when we have the chemistry i've noticed there's a little bit of gendered there's a little bit of gendered there's a little bit of gendered reaction to her to be honest i feel like reaction to her to be honest i feel like reaction to her to be honest i feel like women are more into does she really women are more into does she really women are more into does she really believe it and i feel like men are like No, she's a fucking liar. But it's funny to me. I agree. I think that might be true. But I think that's weird of you specifically because all we— I'm so feminine? Yes, you're extremely effeminate. But you know me. I'm like, my big thing is deception, right? You are. I know, but you know what? And so immediately with her, I'm like, oh, guys, what are we arguing about? But you also are, when we have people in this room nonstop, all we're doing is basically saying the brain is wild. The brain will convince you of things. There's so much more to it. But remember, Paul Bloom is like, no, I do not believe in uncovered memories. He doesn't believe in repressed memories, yeah. Yeah, so just—he has that position. And I have this position that I do not believe you can lie to yourself. You can lie to other people, and you can be in denial, but you know the truth. To me, denial is you're lying to yourself, that you don't know. No, you haven't surrendered to the truth. You know the truth. I mean, trust me, I've been there. I've been there. It's just like, you're just waiting. When am I finally going to acknowledge what I know? Like, I'm going to keep pretending and trying to pull this off, but you can feel it coming. You can feel it approaching. I don't know, Dax. And then eventually, you surrender to the truth. But you knew the truth. Otherwise, you couldn't ever surrender to the truth, because where would it be? Well, they don't always. That's the whole thing. Not everyone surrenders to the truth. I think there are a ton of people who are in denial. I'm in denial as a self-protective mode, and they are not coming out of it. And that is for survival, and I understand it, and I find it shock. I've seen it. And I'm like, whoa, this person really believes this. Yeah, that's the only place we differ. It's just like, I go, this person still is fighting to bend reality. But they know. She knows the machine doesn't work. I mean, she knows. She does. She totally knows. We're not going to. I'm not saying she definitely doesn't know either. I'm just saying that it's questionable to me. And I think he knows. I think he knows 100%. That doesn't work. Yes. Everyone knows. The whole world knows. Nothing's been proven more conclusively. I think, yes, everyone does know. That machine doesn't work. Everyone was frauded. But I think at this stage, her brain might be protecting her. Especially with these kids. She's also postpartum in this. Like, that kid's like a month old. I mean, she's acting like she doesn't know the most basic things in the world. I know. Some people don't. Or they are so disassociated. I just think they're manipulators, yeah. No, some people are disassociated. That's fine. I think when you're lying, you don't know what a white lie is. You don't know what a lie is. You don't know what this is. I don't know what that means. What does that mean? That's just a manipulative decision. up. deception that you're actively thinking how do i get out of this so i'll just claim i don't know what this means well she knows what it means she knows she knows what all these things mean that she keeps saying i don't know the definition she did give it because when he said you've never done this at the party she was like oh no yeah i've done that because she couldn't there was no more pivot like he he you know they do get caught dead to rights and then they at that point they got to acknowledge that one thing but had he never brought that up she would just keep pretending she didn't know and then the second he points out when she's really no wiggle room she goes okay well yeah that one i do she wasn't saying she didn't know she was just saying she never did it which is worse i guess i mean yeah it's it's a good movie it's a good movie um oh one last thing so you know she called it collective joy which i think which is whoa that's a ding ding ding because i think this movie is bringing some of that where everyone's talking about it everyone's discussing it's creating community yeah we need that but another word for it is collective effervescence i read that around the time of the nicks and i like that your nixies my nixies yeah anyway that's it all right love you love you Thank you.