Karolina Wydra

I think the only thing I can say is to be true to who you are and live your life that you want to live and live for yourself. And I think abandon yourself and deny yourself what you need and want is the greatest crime you can do to yourself. Death is going to work out the way it's supposed to. My not work out the way I always want, but staying true to what you want and need is the most important thing. Back to one with Peter Renaldi. Carolina Weedra is an actor. She sat down with me on the upper west side of Manhattan to talk about the work. Do you have a typical way that you like to begin your preparation process when you get a new character? Yeah, I love to do, I've done dream work for my characters for a very long time. I love tapping into the subconscious and it starts with writing a dream before going to bed, asking specific questions and then you dream for your character and whatever comes up every person thing object in that dream is for that character. And it's also you. And the story we call young, he wrote the red book and the red book is all about him analyzing himself through the dream work. And so he believes that 80% of us operate subconsciously and 20% only consciously. So when you dream, you subconscious speaks to you in archetypes and images and you have to dissect the dreams, they're not we think the images. So if you think of let's say you have blue in your dream and you go and do associations with blue, what blue means to you when you go, "Mal, blue, ocean, sky, blue, depression, that it, and then you circle the things that really stand out to you." And you're like, "Oh, I think the color blue in my dream meant this. I think it's telling me that maybe I'm not feeling myself, like myself, maybe I'm feeling depressed." Well, whatever, or like, "Oh, ocean, childhood, all my favorite places by this." So you just start really going into these images and dissecting them and there's this rich world that comes up from it or the archetypes of, "Oh my God, it's a mother, it's a mother archetype where it's a father or king or a jester and so on." So when you dream for your characters, you really get to tap into this whole other world that I love and there's also this thing called active imagination where you can talk to the images or objects and ask yourself why they came to you, what they're trying to represent and you what they're trying to teach you. It's really fun. There's a whole ritual that goes with it. And if you trust in it, what's beautiful about it, it lives deep inside of you. So you do all that prep, you do all that work and then you just leave it alone. So when you go and sit, you don't have to even think about it, it just lives in you. And I've noticed actors that I love do dream work as well. There's something magically that happens that is there because you are putting from a different well inside you. This unconscious place is where the richest approach to this work is, right? Yeah, I believe. So I mean, look, I do, I've studied with so many different people over the years because when I started acting, I want to consume all these different techniques to, I believe in this, take what you like and leave the rest. So study as much as you can and take all the bits and pieces that speak to you. And then you can use it for whatever comes up, whatever challenges you have with it, how you can break it open and find your way in. And so I've done Alexander Technique, I do animal work, I do script analysis, obviously. I love my sner, gets you present in the moment to really listen and react to someone. So studying with all these or doing a backstory, Stella Adler, Larry Moss, who I did workshops with Nancy Banks, is also studied with Larry Moss and then I started with Mimi Lieber, I studied with Greta Sikad, who was, who Sandra Sikad started the dream work. I said, we want step, Ron Stetson, who did Miser. So there's, I have so many different things that I pull from for each character. So it just depends who the character is and what that character needs. Yeah. I go into it, you know, when I did Violet on True Blood, I used an animal for her from me. She was a Panther, Black Panther, nocturnal. They live that night. The way they walk, the way they prowl, they pray, the way they walk, the way they observe, everything happens in their eyes and there's a very slow, confident movement that just like lures their prey in, because she would just lure her prey in, prey in because she's a vampire. So you know, it just depends what character I play, I use different techniques to get into it. Like for instance, with animal work, like what, what, when you do the, the preparation for that particular animal, what, what, what is happening though on set? A lot of the prep happens before and it happens in the trailer. Yeah. So if it's a, you know, having an animal, I do a lot of work where I will work with a coach and we find images and find the right animal that I'm like, ah, this is the animal. And then get into that energy watch videos of how that animal moves, um, study them, um, go with, go pretty deep into how that animal functions in the wild. Then you start walking like that animal, then you start listening to that like that animal, then you start observing the room like that animal. So this all happens before you even get on set. And then if there's something that you find that works for you, a gesture, a physical gesture, a piece of music that also gets you deeper into that physical, embodying that character that lives there, you do that in your trailer before you go and set. Um, or it could be just looking at an image, you know, that image that, you know, inspired you, uh, between takes, um, to embody and go like, oh, I feel that care. Okay. It's, it's alive in me. How did you even come to a place where you knew you wanted to do this work? There was a moment that I saw somebody's performance that I went, this is it. And I have to say I can grow up and pull in during communism. It was for me, at least from what I remember, I was very limited to what I, what I saw on TV because you were very lucky if you had a TV. And the programs that you had were maybe three. So you weren't exposed to a lot of films. Um, I didn't go to a movie theater. Uh, we had, so I grew up in the city and then, and then I loved the village with my grandma. And we would have maybe once a week a bootleg version of some, some film from America. So it was, was, you can understand what it was. It was just a visual thing. And it was like, you know, a sheet that they would put up and a projector and would watch a movie, a bunch of people from the village. And so that was my first experience of, of watching cinema. Um, I didn't go to, to see plays, but I used to perform for my school reciting poetry. It was almost as if it was a one person show reciting poetry, performing the, the poem, inviting the poem. And I loved it. And I think for me, I innately had the desire to perform. I did ballroom dancing, but I innately I love to perform. It was something that lived inside him. I love fantasy. I love today dream. I would get lost in my fantasy world. Um, I was always curious about human behavior. I was always curious about humans. Um, that was always my thing of studying people, watching people. Taking them in. Um, and so it always lived inside of me. And then the performance is where I got older. Um, that effective was Adam Aniani. Do you know what that is? Oh sure. Her movies when I saw Mamaroma, Open City, uh, the Rose tattoo. And I remember when I saw her, I was just blown away by the audacity of her performance. Her rawness, her, you know, you would, you know, I used to watch a lot of old films. And you would see these beautiful Hollywood stars, but she was considered the ugly duckling of Hollywood during that time. And to me, a fugitive kind with, when Mara was monon, and I remember I used to watch her and, uh, to me she was those beautiful women I've ever seen. And she was a woman voluptuous and just, uh, and just her rawness just really affected me and her performance every time I would just be blown away by her fearlessness and the power that she exuded. And I don't know how I found it. I did. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, I, I found, I find, I'm just, maybe somebody mentioned it somewhere and I'm, I'm, I'm a quite curious person, I would say. I like to, uh, I like to know what people enjoy, people like and not, I like to know what I go home and I study and I check it out. And I still live in New York and I came to New York and I was like 21. But before that, I traveled the world. But at the time I was 21, I traveled the world. I lived in Japan, Australia, Singapore, Paris, London. I was on my own at the age of 15, going to Japan, modeling. And so I was exposed to this very free place of figuring out how life works. Being on my own, making my way through life without having my parents were in California, but I was on my own doing everything. So I had to figure out how to survive on the streets of walking by myself as a teenager. Do you know what I mean? And going to Paris or not speaking French or going to Italy and not speaking Italian, not knowing the languages and just find my way through it? And I loved it. I loved it. And I was always curious about the world. I really, I was that feeling that I had inside me so as a little kid, I was envision myself to living a big life. And I always felt that I knew that. So having been exposed to that was such a great lesson and somewhere along the way, I would hear these things and then I would circumciseum. I was a cinephile, a major cinephile. And I loved old films and I loved French films, Russian films, the experiment of films. And when I lived in New York, I would just study films so much. I just loved it. And then theater. I loved it. And until I was 25 and brave enough to start acting that I switched careers. I started changing the trajectory of life, transition from modeling to acting. Because I was afraid of it. I was afraid of, my father was an art teacher. My mother was a math teacher. So one side of my family was very intellectual, brilliant math teacher. My mother was. And so was my brother. And they're very smart. And my father would draw and be an art teacher. He loved the art. But yeah, maybe because it was communism, we didn't go to theater. And so it wasn't also supportive when we came as immigrants to this country because my parents at the age of 40 or 41, when they came here, they had to do an immigrant job. They had to leave their life behind for better future for us. And so they idea of being an actor was a joke. How dare you? How are you kidding me? You have to make something of yourself. And prestigious job that is stable and makes you give you money and stability and prestige. And that's a doctor or a lawyer. And this bullshit of acting, you got to be out of your mind. So then when I was discovered from modeling, my mom was like, yeah, that's a great idea. Which is so weird to me. She was excited about it. But then transitioning from model to actor, it's almost like then you're all well, you're starting over again. You got lucky with the model thing. And they were like, all right, maybe you should transition to something now that's stable. No, you go transition to something again that's not stable. Absolutely not stable. Yeah. Did it feel like you were being a rebel again? It didn't feel like I was being a rebel at that point. It felt like I was being true to myself. What it felt like is that I was doing something that my soul craved for so long that I denied myself. Because like I said, I felt the something when I was a kid. I wanted to, I loved performing in some shape or form. But when we moved to America and being an hour away from Hollywood, it just seems just so far away. It just didn't seem as even attainable. So I just left the behind and made it to be my little desire and secret that lived inside of me, this hunger for it. And so yeah, when I was modeling in New York and I was able to go to theater and be impacted and by that, I would just sit there and observe these performances. And I remember I saw Eve Best. I saw her in Homecoming with Al Pacino on Broadway. I remember I saw Talk Radio with a left leaf shriver. That was another performance. I mean, I've seen many incredible performances, but I remember that was really touched by his performance. And then when we were Sebastian Stendles, I could first Broadway debut and I saw him and I was like, who is this guy? You know, and I would watch these performances. And inside I was sitting there just, being emotional how desperately I wish it was me up there. - Yeah, yeah. - And so then, you know, consuming all these films and the 25, I got an opportunity to audition for a short film with Mike Figgus. And the ones I did that, that was it. I was like, this is, I can't, I can't modeling provided an incredible financial security for me. I was very lucky to make money, be successful at it. But it left me feeling incredibly empty. And so that short film, I didn't make any money. It was two days, but I felt so alive. And so happy. And that feeling has not left. Truly till today, my favorite place is on set, being around creative people, collaborating, talking about the scenes and talking about what we're gonna shoot and rehearsing and dissecting the process and all that. And you know, have too little voice. And my dream for them is to have the passion and love for something that I have for this craft. Because my friends, I remember, we would sit, you know, and we start taking acting classes, I started taking all these different acting classes. When I used to smoke back then, we would sit around and smoke cigarettes until five in the morning, during coffee and talk about performances and talk about movies and talk about actors and performances that inspired us. And you know, being blown away by whatever we saw and wonder if we could even do it if it was possible. That we could perform something like this. And it was just such, those are the best times. I truly, I missed those times. 'Cause it was just, you're also so full of hope and desire and hunger and passion. And I hope my kids have that for something. 'Cause that's the most important thing. You can't. You don't get them through anything, right? You don't get them through anything. Yeah, because that too. And also, you know, when you have that, there's a purpose to your life, you feel like there's a purpose. And it does, you know, that would, if you told me, do a play, back then do a play in that make any money, but like a less time, yeah, let's go. You know, you didn't care if you, maybe listen, I, for me, was easier to say that because I had some money in the bag because I was modeling and I have, or money so I could feel that way too. Obviously when I got older and, you know, you need to pay rent and there's a struggle of not getting roles and that changes your relationship to acting as well. Right. Right. And your pain that comes with it of not working, which I've went through that as well. Yeah. Yeah. I had many different, you know, I feel, reiterations of acting, what it has meant for me and the journey with it and working, not working, you know, paying bills, not paying bills, putting foot on the table, not putting foot on the table. Yeah. The pain of that and falling in love with roles, not getting the role you fall in love with and how heartbreaking that is. And, you know, and auditioning, you know, for me, when I audition, I give everything to my characters and when you don't get it, you kind of agree. Yeah. You agree the loss of that person because they do live inside it and I think also doing dream work, what it does, it does, it goes deep inside here. When you give 100% to an audition and you don't get it, does it make you think I have to not do that again? Because my heart can't take this over and over again. Or does it make you think, no, I just have to keep giving it 100% and my heart's gonna break maybe a bunch of times. I don't know how not to. I really don't. I don't know. If I do do that, the result of the shit. Mm-hmm. Truly, it's not the same if I, and I've done that, we've done that for certain things when the writing's not great and not excited. I mean, let's be honest. If the part is not exciting and you go, oh, this writing is really-- That's why I believe your heart's in that version. It's really hard. Yeah, that's a part on. Then yeah, your heart is not broken, but if there's a character that you read, I mean, you know, it's not often that you have a character that you just go, I have to play this. It's not very often, but I do, I don't know how not to give 100%. I don't know. It's really hard for me. Yeah, yeah. Not to give a lot of myself to what I do. Yeah. And maybe that also comes in this training. maybe that comes from also modeling days where when you're training as far as being a worker or like you work hard and people don't realize that it's not as glamorous as people think. It's a job when you give a lot of yourself to it. So I take pride in working hard. I really do. I love it. I take pride in working hard. I mean, Ray and I we laugh about it because we were at the BAFTAs and we were trying to find their table and the people that were helping, they didn't know where the table were and they weren't no confused about where people are sitting and we were laughing because Ray and I said if it was us we would study every table. So when people were like, table with 23 right there over there, I'm thinking about there, to 12 you know, problem right there. We take pride in them. No matter what it is. No matter what it is to be good at it, to wanting to be good at it, to know where shit to be like, I got it. Yeah, we need the problem. Truly, that's who I am. I take pride in whatever I do. I want to be really good at. I do pottery. I've done pottery for years and yeah, I take pride in knowing my things or studying things. Where were you in this? Right like right before the Pluribus audition when you weren't working. For someone like you're describing to us right now, that it's such an integral part of your life. It gives you purpose. Yeah. Of course there are tons of people we know them. Like I can list them right here that are incredible actors that nobody gives them work but they're still find a way to do it somewhere even if it's in some small theater somewhere that nobody's heard of, right? But what had happened to you was it just that your heart was broken so many times that you didn't want it to break again or you didn't want to give it that 100% again? No. I made a choice so I did "Age of Shield" and then there was a bit of a break I think until the pandemic, the pandemic happened and everything shut down and during the pandemic I was 39 and I met my husband around 37, 38 so when I was 39, pandemic hit and it was very important for me to we were talking about having starting a family and I got pregnant with my son and it was very important for me to stay home. It was something that I knew it was a very sacrificing decision for my career and for myself but I knew I had to do because my parents used to travel a lot when I was a child and the pain of not having them around was really really hard and so I told myself either I never have kids and that's okay but if I do this is the sacrifice I have to make and then when I had Atticus I remember my agent and manager left me because I was taking that break and that was really painful. That was really heartbreaking because I felt like that was a nail on the coffin of like this might be done for you. This might be the end. You're 40 and you don't have a representation. How are you going to get a job? And then I had my second son and when he was a year and a half I remember I was so into my best friend I said I'm ready for I'm ready to be creative again I'm ready to I mean I created life but I'm ready to fulfill my soul with something else and my creativity and you know we're talking about going back to acting and I said I don't I don't know how I don't know how to even begin this journey back and I was 42 at the time 41-42 and I mean I was I was very I'm going to look my my my experience with this whole how I got the show is it's I still can't believe that I'm sitting here talking to you like that you're interested in talking to me about my process because of the journey prior to to that and where I was and I got an email from a lady that worked for this agency that I was on a roster of but I didn't have to work with them in years a commercial agency and the email said there's a request for a self-tape for a character named Anna and I said they were back and I said well okay what is the what is the four I you know I have like one of what and she said it's been she said let me let me come back to you with with more details and she said it's Vince Gilligan for Apple TV and uh you have to understand that moment what I read that was was so surreal to me because I've always dreamt of working with Vince it was always a dream of mine to to be in his universe to have an opportunity to meet him work with him and I never have and then this is this comes and so I put myself on tape I first I wasn't going to do it because tell me why that why because I thought you know feel failure fear fear failure and fear if I have this sort of working for with Vince would have been a dream come true and if this fantasy again right would come would have come to fruition I'll be gutted and that fantasy's gone proof done yeah like yeah now you know now you take note now it's over the warm blanket of the fantasy would be stripped from you yeah in a second right yeah it's like a warmness of that yeah that's kind of denial is easier are they saying I did not so much easier than the reality yes at times because it's less painful you just go yeah but let me just keep fantasizing about it and so so I was afraid to do it and then but then there's that other voice in my head that said Carolina you have nothing to lose like what what are you doing yeah just do this came out of nowhere a gift do it yeah and uh and I did and my friend when we were taping that day something was happening in the room as we were doing it I don't know why and I'm even not getting chills I'm saying this and there generally there was a shift in the room and she even said I don't know what's happening but I feel good about this for you something is happening in this room and I go I'll come on stop it like yeah you know we're just we're just doing it yeah I don't know something is happening in this room and but I felt it too and then I got a you know we sent it in and two days later they want to see more stuff on me and then and then I took upon myself to to contact the casting directors to keep in touch with them if they need more information and and then two weeks later that contact they need that they want to test me and and and my best friend happened to be my best friend I happened to be on vacation and she led me her manager to make the deal and then I learned a significance of the show I mean the Zosha and and and the world that Vince created and it was it was there's something beyond there was beyond my wildest dream of his whole journey and then getting a talking to Vince and yeah it was just it was truly it was truly surreal and I really felt like somebody's messing with me I just felt some it's some some kind of a joke that someone's playing on me because how could this be that I take this break I lose my representation and here I am working for the man of I was driving working with and and playing a character that's so rich yeah so complex so out of this world yeah and and you know and and and I was I was definitely always over one when I first I'm going to read episode two I mean the writing was superb yeah the journey I went on right you know reading the scripts I couldn't put them down the first two scripts because then I would get each script as it came out and I was overwhelmed and terrified of how the hell I'm gonna yeah sounds like a real challenge yeah more than a normal any other role it seems like oh yeah yeah no seriously it is because you know I didn't have a backstory for her but because it doesn't matter yeah that's the isn't that interesting right yeah because it's almost counterproductive with this kind of character with this character because she's not who she was she's not who she is who she was right she's a different the vessel yes the vessel is the same yeah the personality is somewhat the same but not really it's altered right any of our vices or our or our things that we are that our hang ups are gone well if you ask if you ask what takes you yeah it would the only thing I would imagine would be oh to make Carol unhappy yeah and even that doesn't get to her in ways they get to us now yeah no for sure so it's it's very you know if when you work on the character normally when you give them a past there's a reason somebody says something and you have a reaction to it because of something that happens to you prior and yeah you know there's that's the fun bit of just dissecting why they're saying what they're saying, what gets them going, what triggers them. Oh, that's interesting comment on their, let's say grandma. So it's actually didn't have a good relationship with her grandma. Let's go into that. Like what happened with her? So you can really build this world with the normal care or with a regular human being. And so with this one, it was a different approach that I had to take. Was that a freeing though? Like did that make the, and almost would make it seem like the, make it make the job easier? No, it was actually made a more difficult. Interesting. And made them, well, I'll tell you why I made them more difficult. The challenges were going against my natural instincts. Yeah. As a human being. Yeah. So as an actor, so for instance, one of the things would be if you're going on set and you're feeling nervous, you have the, the, the, the butterflies in your stomach and feet, excitement, nervousness, whatever, you go, give it to the character, let it flow, let it be its thing. Let's make you wear it lands. Can't give it to this girl. That's interesting. You can. It doesn't live in her body. So you can't even live in her physicality. Whoa, that's crazy. Right. And the result of that. Yeah. So let's say like we're having a conversation right now. I'm having a lot of feelings. I'm taking a few things. I'm watching you. Yeah. It's different. These people also, they're not afraid of anything. They're not afraid of even dying because they've been uploaded. They're all being the whole existence. Every memory, everything they like, everything that takes them has been uploaded into the, yeah, to the system. Yeah. Whatever that system is. And so it was the idea. I mean, it's incredible. What would Vince create it with that show and the others and, you know, and prior to reading to that, there's a very spiritual person. So I studied a lot of spirituality and I love it. I've always meditated a lot. And I've always questioned what would be like if we were all the same. One love, this idea of one love, one conscious, and I always think about it, how much better the world would be. And him presenting it in the way that he does it. Oh, wow, there's, but there's one factor that it's missing is this thing of individuality that I didn't think about how important individuality is. So that was interesting to think about, but that's a side note of Carolina dissecting though the world of Vince created. But it was, yeah, it was the challenges were, and also for me, I'm a very empathetic person and I feel deeply and I really care about people and I'm very affected by people. So playing someone that can't have that with the challenges on day-to-day basis when, you know, when Ray is having these beautiful big feelings or characters going through so much grief and anger and fear and all of it, I can go without journey with her. And also I'm not a robot. She's a fully fledged human being. So allowing, so basically trusting in what Vince saw and trusting in what the work, the prep that I have done that it lands. And there, jettically, you see this thing that bounces off of me, but I'm holding space for her and still taking her in and loving her unconditionally through it and not coming off as just a robot. What you're saying right now is what I first noticed about you, because I didn't know you before this. But I remember thinking, sometimes I'm taken by a show and I don't get to think this, but I did miraculously, I thought, this is so hard to do what she's doing. I really thought that because there's a really fine line, like you're saying right now. It's a fine line. And when did you know that they scanned the world to try to find this person to play this character? And when you found that out, were you thinking like, what is it about me that they saw? Well, I'm still asking Vince, like, what did you see? Because I've always played very villainous characters. I love those con artists, you know, wacky out there intense characters and to play someone so, the opposite of that, someone that is so unflappable and so present and so open. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm surprised, you know, I'm grateful for it because it was a beautiful challenge to play and then body. But one thing that I want to say about that, meditation, meditation, meditation was the key to unlocking Zosha because when you meditate and out of do you meditate. I don't want to get into this because it's embarrassing, okay? But I have, I understand the importance of it. I have tried, tried and I don't, I, the reason why it's embarrassing is because you just have to keep doing it. That's what's embarrassing that I don't keep doing it and I know how important it is. And it's just to break through whatever my block is. But well, you have to trust in it because it takes time and it takes trust because it is, it can be overwhelming and confusing because we, I need it. I need it more than anybody you've ever talked to. People are laughing then know me right now that I listen. You know, but I get it because I, you know, forever people are like, you're ADD, like you are just so all over the place and it's true. My mind works so much faster than my mouth can. It's really hard sometimes I find myself. I want to like so many different thoughts and never have finished my idea. But I thought I did. Because of my head, I've had a lot of different conversations. Yeah, do you ever have people say, well, you're not explaining that right and you're like, yes, I did. I want that's yeah, talk to my husband. Yeah, you didn't tell me there's like, yes, I did. He's like, babe, you didn't like, no, I did. I've in my head. I have a lot of conversations. And I'm convinced that I, I, yeah, you know, share them, but I don't. You need everybody to be telepathically connected to you. I think they are. By the way, that's the problem. We're finally realizing what they saw in you. You're. Yes, right? Right? Yes, tell me. You are telepathically connecting with us already. Yes. Thank you, Vince. I'm so glad. I'm sure Vince was in my, he was, he was connected. Yeah, I tell you. It's hard. That's a good one. Yeah, that's what I think all the time. You're in my brain. You already had that conversation. Like, what's your problem? But yeah, I don't know what I'm curious. You know, I, I, I, I, I guess whatever the essence that I brought that day, that it worked for him and the understanding, maybe the understanding of her, because I've meditated in the past and because I'm a spiritual person, there's a level of understanding that I have for this consciousness of being connected to, to the, to the universe, to the, to humans in the energetic way, in an energetic way and meditation, what it does for me, well, after you do it for a long time, and I would meditate a lot for Zosia every day, 20, 30 minutes. It was a, it was religiously out. I would, I would meditate. It takes strips away the ego and that you know your body's your vessel. Your, your body is, you know, it's flesh. But you're, there's a spirit. There's an energy that lives inside of you. And so when you tap into that, you do have a, a light experience. You feel something transforms when you're being and all the fear is lifted, the ego is lifted. You're not afraid. You feel connected. Only the ego is afraid of death. Only the ego is afraid of all these things. But when you remove that, there's something that, that, that, that happens when you go, I'm okay. Everything's okay. Everything is just the way it's supposed to be. And you have a, a different connection to the, to the human beings, to the world, to nature, to, to the planet, to the universe. It's, it's really profound and beautiful. And yeah. You feel lighter. There's a lightness that happens to you and there's, there's an opening in your chest. You feel the lightness in your chest and you go, "Hah, everything's okay." Yeah. And so that was very important for, for Zosia. And so I think, maybe having, that meditating before, I was like tapping into that. And also dream work. I'm telling you, there's something about dream work because these dreams do reveal these, my, my, my, my connection to meditating again, came from my dreams as well. It was like, this is key. And then doing physical, embodying it, her through a lot of physical work, a lot of relaxation, a lot of opening and being present in my body and being aware of my body and not numbing out, not checking out of my body, but being really open and present to receive her, to keep receiving her. And then trusting Vince on a day when I was doing things for him to push me further into who Zosia is at times where I felt, are you sure? Because this feels very uncomfortable in my body. I feel I'm going against all of my instincts and it feels weird. I just doesn't feel natural to me. And that's where she lived sometimes. And what, what, what made you trust then that did you have to see it on the, on the monitor? Oh God, no. Oh, interesting. I could never watch myself. Okay. That's just, I know. Yeah. That's really hard. Vince said to me on set, he said, "You will learn to trust me." And I said, "Come on, you will learn to trust me." And he said, "And he's such a humble human being." He goes, "No, no, you will learn to trust me." And now I know what he means. He will never make you look bad. He will push you because he knows he can and he believes in you and believes in your talent. And he will push you to places that you go, "I don't know, this feels a lot weird." But it works. Sometimes there's too much. But he won't use that. Of course, he won't use that. But he challenges, he pushes you to challenge yourself to do things where maybe go, "Really? That just feels, I don't know how that's going to turn out." And those are sometimes the most magical moments that happen. There it is. Were you worried about this person that you have to play almost every single scene with? Knowing what this character was? Absolutely. It was out. yeah, I was. Well, first of all, first couple of days on set, I was nervous. I was coming into this family that's been together for a long time. They know each other. Ray has worked with Vince for a long time. So they just. they have this beautiful relationship, collaborative relationship. And here I am coming into this world that I'm so excited about, been dreaming of. So nerves are getting best of me. And it was terrifying because I had to reprogram my body on the day to stay more open and go deeper into it. And that's where Vince would come in back, "Okay, these people don't have nerves." So you go, "I know, I've been tired." I know, I know. I'm really tired. But it's. We have to just say, that is the most insane thing that a director can say to an actor. The person you're playing has no nerves. Yeah. I mean, there's never been that. Yeah. Right? And when you're playing a robot, and then if you're playing a robot, then like you're saying, that has a whole other freedom to it. Yeah. Then you can't even. you can't even have that freedom of robotic freedom. Yeah. Sure. It's like it was, again, of such an exciting thing to challenge myself within having, but I have to say, having him helping me through those moments, but having Ray to hold my hand. Yeah. And go, "I see it." You got this? We got this. We're in this together. Yeah. And when you create that space of safety, you also body doesn't relax naturally. You go, "Okay, I can do this." And so it was definitely trial and error and finding it and then inviting it, embodying it more and more as the shoot went on. But having all the physical work and all the prep was definitely easier to go, "Okay, I'm going to step away for five minutes. I need to listen to something." Yeah. Or I need to do my body stuff to go, "Okay. I'm ready. So I can, you know, I can be present in my physical, in my whole being to do these scenes." And also I had to, you know, my body had to be open to invite her because they're not threatening. So they're very inviting. So we found that posture to where I held my hands like this all the time. There's things that we found. And also, Zosha speaks very eloquently and very precisely and very proper. If you listen to the dialogue, that was something that we discussed as well. You know, they have the greatest lawyers in their head. So they're very precise with what they say and how they say things. Yeah, I can think about. They do. And then if you're watching episode eight, Zosha transforms. And there's a lot more casual lingo. Yeah. There's more banter that we have. Yeah. And there's just a shift. And I love that some people ask if it's, you know, if Zosha is evolving within the hive mind. Like what's happening to Zosha? And I love that I want people to have their own interpretation of what they think it means for them. And I have my own what that episode and that transformation meant for me. Interesting. And the physicality changes a little. There's a looseness to her because also the way we do that dance with Carol all the time is we do have the greatest psychologist in our brains. Yeah. And our collective. Yeah. So we're studying her. And we're constantly watching of like, okay, you put his hand to his mouth. Is she getting nervous? Is he listening? Like, are we? We're always testing the temperature of the comfort of her with us. How close we can get how far away we need to get. Can we? Can I get closer with my body? I know she's not ready. So I need to step back and stand and allow her to space to invite us. Oh, she's more inviting. She's getting more comfortable. We're going to step a little closer. And then because seven happens, she gives me that hug. And then the ultimate invitation to go. We're in. Yeah. You know what's interesting about what you're saying here, especially with something like this is the the idea that the actor has to. And again, especially with something like this, that's such a high concept. And so necessary for what I'm about to say, you have to engage in it. Like a creator as well as an interpreter of this person's creation. You know what I mean? You have to study the world. You have to be on his level about what he, what the rules are here about. The rules are as key. I love that. You said that rules are key. What are the rules? Yeah. You know. And if he doesn't impart it to you, you have to ask. If he doesn't not willing to say, I'm sure that sometimes you have to you have to figure it out for yourself. 100%. Sometimes there are no answers. So you have to figure your way through to make sense to you. So it's authentic to you so you can play it. Yes. Right. So for me, Vince never said to me that she's a she's coming from a spiritual place. She's happy. She's content. She's unflovable. You know, she's maybe an adult and mother or a grandmother that's doting over her child on conditional love. All the all the realms of that spiritual connection of oneness. That was something from me that I had to tap into to come from that place to play Zosha. Yeah. Right. So yeah, there's there's there's Vince is very in the most beautiful way. Vince is very simple. He doesn't complicate things when he explains explains things to you. But it's your job as an actor to fill in the blanks. Yeah. And make this character come to life. And then when you're on the day, you get to tweak it and get to work it. And that's why we do a lot of takes and he throws things at you to try. And you have to be ready for it to be open and go, okay, yeah. Yeah. Let me take your interpretation of what you need and let me see where I can go with that. And it sounds like you love that. You love that part of it. I love all of it. I just love collaborating. And I love obviously when you trust somebody. Yeah. And I've trust Vince and I trust in his vision. And now I'm excited to even go back to season two because seeing what he meant about the trust. It's even more exciting. Oh, wow. Let's see where we can do, where we can go further with this. I love collaboration. I love passion and I love to be challenged. I always say hurt my feelings with truth. Let me go, I will lick my wounds. But then I get to learn from it and come back. A bigger person, a stronger person and evolve from it. That's very important to me. Yes. Truly. I don't like when you just blow smoke up your ass. Yes. Whatever. I want to learn. I'm such, I really do. I love learning. I love, you know, if I do something, you know, obviously going to be an asshole. Be kind about it. Yeah. But I want to learn if I do a take and you're like, but I also want to feel safe where I can go. Let me just go as far as I can and know that you're going to not shame me for it, not make me feel bad for it. I go, okay, we did that. That was cool. And, you know, let's try something there. Okay, that was great. Let's maybe play with that and see what, let's go there. So it's just a very inviting experience. And that breeds the best work and that's what Vince does for his actors. Yes. He never makes you feel like your questions are dumb. You know, we asked something and he goes, well, that was stupid. He doesn't make you feel that way. He invites you to ask questions and he goes, oh, that's a great idea. Let me sit with that. And even if he doesn't use your idea, he doesn't agree with the idea. He doesn't make you feel like it's a silly idea. And that is so beautiful. And I think that's such a gift to give to actors as a director. Yes. And I think that's the creator. And then with Ray, you know, she's has the passion. Her prep is profound. She also works so hard. She has such passion for this craft. She preps and preps and preps. And we would meet on weekends and work on our scenes before they set the scene, talk about the scene, before we would begin our work week. Wow. And we would get on the on-set, get our lines, and then we could play. Wow. That's great. It's amazing. It's so when you have actors that devote it to the craft. And they love it so much as much as you do. And you could talk about the process, talk about this, talk about that. It's so exhilarating. Yes. When you think about what happened here that you described, where you fell in love with something, you always knew you wanted to do it. you got to do it. Then you realized, and maybe this was also always in you, that there was something else you wanted to do, and this just happened to be a mother, but there are people that are listening that have something that they love on top of this thing that they love, which is acting. And they're worried about kind of splitting it and like what that's gonna do to their career. And it's just interesting for you, right? They found you. They went to find you. You returned to this. And now you're at it again. It worked, but I want you to say something that people that are worried about that out there. Have you come to a place where you can say something about that? - I think the only thing I can say is to be true to who you are, and live your life that you wanna live, and live for yourself. And I think abandon yourself, and denying yourself what you need and want is the greatest crime you can do to yourself. Life is gonna work out the way it's supposed to. My not work out the way you might always want, but staying true to what you want and need is the most important thing I think. So if there is that thing, we like I need to go and be a parent or do something else. And I say do it. My husband walked away from being a producer and he became an interior designer. Then he came back to being a producer. And he was the most successful after that. And he was struggled before, you know what I mean? So it's like you have to stay true to yourself. I think that is key. I think me becoming a mother at that point was being true to whatever was going on for me at that moment. No matter how terrifying that was. And look, the truth is it's not to be discreet, but I got lucky. I know how lucky I got with this. And I know some people like don't say it's lucky, don't say it's luck. I don't know what else to call it. It happened when it happened. And you know, it's certain things happen in life where I feel like that it's magic that it's out of my control. But staying true to myself and not abandoning myself is key. Carolina Weedra. Yes. Thank you so much. Oh, thank you so much. (soft music) Thanks for listening. Subscribe at backtoonpodcast.substack.com where you can listen to backup episodes, engage with other listeners and support the show.