Just Us w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril | We Might Be Drunk Podcast

[music] Holy hell, look at this. We're both here on a Thursday. When does that happen? This is rare, dude. This is rare. I'm usually up to, I take one weekend off a month now. That's my move. All right. Because of a child. Second kid, what are you looking at? Well, second kid's coming in Christmas. By the way, Adam Ray and me having a kid the same day. Really? Which is Christmas? Christmas Eve is the date. It's a bad birthday. Bad birthday. Yeah. I know. What about if you're Jewish, though? Because then? Well, yeah, I think I should get to celebrate Christmas. That's true. You get your thing. That's true. I just think holiday birthdays are annoying. I agree. No one wants to celebrate you. Right. It's like having a Thanksgiving birthday. Yes. We've got for a bit of fucking New Year's Eve birthday. Just for a kid, no adult wants to. No reasonable adult wants to celebrate their birthday. Yeah, male. Male. Yes, women make it a week. Oh my god. I know, I know, it's a nightmare. Even cool women will surprise you. I know. We're doing this for my birthday. You're like, it's been a week. It's been a fucking week. I know, I know. And then you don't do one time. I didn't do something for my wife a week later. And she's like, it's my birthday week. You're going to bail on me on this. I'm like, we're doing a week. We're doing a full week now. Now you're mad about the eighth day. I'm not doing it. You can't use the birthday week on this. Oh god. Hey, I have a cocktail here. I have an old pineapple on there too, isn't it? Yeah, nice little kick. So it's a nice moment for a podcast out in Portland, wherever that there's a guy having like a little like, you know, people go up and trees and protest stuff. Yeah. He's doing something where he's drinking a beer every episode. Every time you don't have a drink, he has a beer. This is a guy with that poorly. Somebody brought in and said this? Yes, okay. He's, he climbs a tree. No, no, I'm sorry. His personal protest. Instead of climbing a tree is every time you guys have not had a drink on this show. He drinks a whole beer during the episode. Oh, that big a protest. One beer. Now he's up to five. He's up to five. He's up has to do five beers. Oh, so it adds for each week. Yeah. So now it ends because you guys are having a cocktail. You're welcome, sir. You can, you can stop drinking and driving. The climate of the tree during the protest. That was an old sand bit. Oh yeah, that's right. That's right. Black lives matter where they're like, every protest is a guy who climbs a tree. That's right. And here are civil rights people being like, there weren't this many white people in my daily. But did you look up? That was a fun bed. There is always a guy hanging on something. Well, any gathering, they have to climb the nicks. Yeah, the thing, whatever. But you're like, and it's always a dude, we're like, someone's going to get hurt. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you ever see that white chick climbing and the black girl pulled her down? Yeah, it was hilarious. Wow, that was wild. It's also a hilarious way to get paralyzed. How do you lose the use of your legs? The next one. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Any crowded group, you just get dumber and dumber. That's so true. More people that show up, the IKI, the collective IQ, starts to drop. That's true. I mean, there's quotes about it. What is it? You put the ass and masses, or if you go in the same ways, everyone else, you're the-- God, I can't remember. The second cell phone he's walked in, the podcast got dumber. There it is. I mean, this is-- This is great. Old as shit, but-- Oh, and there's a recap. Oh. Can I say peeve? These reaction videos? Ah. These-- Well, she's doing a recap here, but anyone who's just like their whole video is just like something in the news, and someone's like-- I know. This shit-- Fuck this shit. And then it gets a million views. And then like, you have no talent. And the thing you were shitting on was better than you. Yes, yes. But the reaction people like the reaction. I know, I know. The clicks, anyway, you can get 'em. How about the one where the guy just points to it, points to the picture of the thing? Yes! This. Crazy, huh? Here, where are my view counts? It's my leg when I accidentally-- Even this in a photo. Even the point in a photo. We see the person. Yeah, it's exactly the point. Right. That enough's enough. Oh, jeez, she really intact. Jesus Christ. Oh, my Lord. She's right. Okay, that's just maybe a little egregious. Yeah, wait a minute. Yeah, this is-- All right, what the hell is going on here? This is a hair pulling. Women are fucking-- Women are fighting. They fight-- Women be fighting. The hair-- the hair pulling is-- They know that that's the thing that's the most important to them. Yes, yes, exactly. Like, dude, pull my hair. I just go like, what are you doing? Yeah, that's true. But, like, a point of them's area. Like, that's fucking that sucks. It works, and then it pulls you down. It's like a-- it's a good move. Well, you don't want a ball spot if you're a woman. No, no. If you're a guy, you're like, I could work around this. I wonder if one woman has ever come. Well, because every lady in the bedroom is like, pull my hair, pull my hair. So at some point, they're gonna fight. One lady's got to be her wires. I think you've got to be like penetrating them. All right. Same goes for choking, Mark. Good point. Good point. They don't ask you to. It's got to be a split second. Like, that joke you had about the girl who he was crying and you hugged her and you got a boner. Oh, yeah. He's still got the ball. School-- old school joke. Yeah. He did. Yeah, muscle memory is a bitch. Mm-hmm. Yeah, what would I say? My dick was saying one last ride, dude. Right before the break up. One for the road. The dick has zero remorse. It's just one gear. It's, yeah, it's calm down a bit, thank god. Yeah. But you still-- I've gotten boners a few and rolls. It happens, you know? It's just the open gas. Some of their bodies are hot. Yeah. Right. It happens. What's your new joke about getting a boner on a school bus when you're 14? Oh, yeah. Well, when you were a kid, you get a boner on a school bus. And you're like, this is horrible. Now if I get a boner on a school bus, I'm like, this is horrible. So a boner is different horrible. Yeah, different horrible. Exactly. It's location. Embarrassed is better, yeah. Embarrassed is better than predator. Yeah. You have a joke I'm working on about like-- I know in about, you know, how I'm like, I'm against AI, but I'll ask cloud questions. I'm against Amazon, but I'll order Amazon. I'm against killing animals, but I eat animals. I'm against pedophilia. And that's where I draw the line. Ah, nice. Turns out that's the only thing I'm against. That's great. Yeah. Speaking of that, do you watch the Maria Bamford doc? I have-- there's too many dogs. I know, I know they do. Too many-- how many-- I can see a doc on everything. There's a new doc every week. And there's so many comedy docs. I live comedy. I can't. I love Maria Bamford. I should watch it. And then we're like, we're down to Martin Mull. I think it's great, though. It's really good. It's better than the norm doc, by the way. Really? Yeah, it's way more insightful, great history-- you know, amazing career. I had no idea. Yeah. So I watched it, and I liked it, and Martin Mull is funny, but I didn't do it. Ah, I like docs. I'm a doc head. I like nurses. Cool, my Rick Glassman. People don't want to suddenly blow my head off. Someone animate me blowing my head off. That's true. He probably spent $600 on the animation. By the way, here's a poem. I just did Rick's pod. Every clip that he tries to collab me in is him just shitting on me. Oh my god, I'm gonna share this shit. That's not cool, Ricky. I love Rick. No, I know, he's funny. Yeah, I just want this old ass weird art house movie that Bill Burr sent me a wreck for called Medium Cool. Young Robert Forster, made by Haskell Wexler. If you know the name, cinematographer, for all these great movies, did-- Did-- yeah, he did Days of Heaven for Terrence Malik. He did Mate One with John Sales, great movie. He did in The Heat of the Night was a cinematographer on that show. A lot of crazy movies. But weird art house movie. It's slow as hell. I don't know if I could give it a wreck, but it's interesting. I think it was like-- I read the Ebers Review, maybe this will make me get it more, but it was more like-- I was like, I guess it was really innovative at its time. Oh, I like the look already. Yeah, it looks cool as fuck. Yeah, good tone. Yeah. Whoa. It's got that darkness. It's got that 80s darkness. This is a different movie. Oh, is that Medium Cool? Oh, that is, right there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Robert Forster. Oh, 69, wow. Robert Forster from Jackie Brown. Yeah, look at Young. Wow, that looks like Josh Hartnett. Yeah. Or like Josh Brolin or something. Brolin, for sure. Brolin. So what's the prank? He's done in it. Really? Yeah. I mean, you looked that up. Yeah, let's see what Forster's working with. Medium Cool? [LAUGHTER] What's the premise? What's the plot? It's about the media. It's like an Altman movie where you're like this-- like, let this cook. It's like, we don't know what's happening. I think there's a weird twist midway through. I'm not giving it a wreck. But look it up if it's your cup of juice. OK. Check it out. Well, movies are a weird place, because the Snait and Fielder doc is the biggest-- I hear it's amazing. I hear it's amazing, too. It's the biggest movie in the world. It's sold out everywhere. Yeah, I don't want to sit in the handicap seat of the first row. So I haven't been able to see it in New York yet. It's impossible to get a ticket. Well, List went and he said it was like, there's a baby there. She's breastfeeding. There's a stroller there. He said he went to a baby showing, which I didn't know movies had. I was speaking of baby showing. Look at this penis. Oh my god. Oh, jeez. This is horrifying. Poor women have to put up with us male bodies. Like, what is a baby? So you bring your baby? Yeah, because you can't get a sitter or something. So there's a showing just for a parent. The most annoying showing of a movie. I know. He's like, this is brutal. I've never been in a flight. I mean, like, we get some more babies. This is a baby flight. Yeah. It's all-- even the pilot's a baby. Right, right. So yeah, he said it was kind of brutal, but he said he loved the movie so twice. He told me it's unreal. He texted me about it already. Yeah, I want to see it. I want to see-- I heard Wild Horse Nines, I'm believing it. I heard that, too. I want to see-- I want to see Digger, dude. Yeah, I do, too. And I want to see what's the other one I've wanted to tell you. Oh, primetime, I want to see it. Yeah, I heard that was good, as well. Everyone's saying it's fucking great. But yeah, like, back rooms, obsession, movies are, you know-- Oh, place. Yeah, it feels very arty. We're finally cooking with ours. You got that right see what's going down But looks like we got a new director. Hopefully we can announce that shortly. Okay. I didn't know we had a nice text with him last night He was a couple drinks. That was cool shit. I like it. That was great talking some nicks were playing the bulls He's a Chicago guy so there's a hint there But he was talking some shit cuz the nicks beat the bulls as they showed up. Yeah Well, he feel we had an old director. He he had to bail out and but I feel like this new guys more of a fit He's one of us. He's a pure comedian guy Yeah, it's more of just you know not as straight up comedy. Yeah, any drink. He's like a sports guy Yeah, there's a little comedy. So he's a I'm throwing perfect fit. I got I got a wreck for you guys Okay, weird one was in San Diego just like strolling around town with you know Gary and Brian Cullen my buddy Who was filming and we just stumbled in like an old comic shop mmm? And I was like, oh, you know Let's just look I was looking for comics for like my girlfriend son. Yeah, but then I was like there's all these adult graphic novels I don't know any of these starts strolling around bought a couple just like yeah, I mean, you know Make something to read on the way back dude. I read to I read like I've read like six in the last couple weeks Mm-hmm to I read I got to give high Rex. Well, it's it wrecks both my brew baker and Phillips Who are like did like famously did like criminal? These are my two wrecks pulp and the other one is called the fade out Yeah, oh, wow unreal dude. There's a new pulp It old pulp. No, this came out like probably ten years ago. Okay, okay, dude. This one Amazing and the other one is called the fade out. It's like a weird Hollywood noir type thing Doing like you know with black listing and all this fucked up stuff in murder. It's awesome Wow beautiful pictures and stuff, but then like the dialogue kicks ass. It's just cool story very Wow, it's a western this one is kind of a western second one called the the fade out both Big wrecks and you just picked these off the cover. No a guy wrecked These two to me. Mm-hmm, but I started with a different one and then he's like you should try those two. Oh, I love them Yeah, it looks like a book. Now is this for kids or is this for no, definitely not for kids new to the inshit. Oh Fuck those sucking and fucking in these babies. All right. I stopped halfway through I had to rub one out Fartoon titties. Whoa, it's it's cool ass. It's cool ass dialogue and stuff a high rack. Oh, man Very cool when I was a kid I lived in comic book store comic stores like nerd record stores dude, and there's like Holocaust stuff. It's dark. It's really cool. Oh cool. It's really really good. Yeah, dude like what was your stuff when you were growing up? I mean, I was just a kid so it was all Batman but then you got into like bone. You remember bone. Oh look up bone. No bone Oh, bone was dark and funny and weird and uh, yeah, you got into like gen X 13. There was all these kind of sexy one There's bone bone was kind of like funny weird this this weird character damn. Um, I like like spider-man That was a woman just like New York guy Struggling to make ends meet sure loves his aunt. Yeah Yeah, got a got a job that sucks and you're like like that means just like rich right I still thought that man was cool. I just thought like spider-man was more just like he's like he has like good one lineers and stuff Yeah, who's fun? No, yeah spider-man was fun. I'm working on a bit now about how there's no Gen Z superheroes They're all from the forties and the thirties and the sixties and then you could you have a Gen Z superhero? Yeah, like what's your name women shouldn't vote man? Right time ago. Yeah, well, I call him hero maxic But like hero backs of the children hospitals on fire. He's like ooh is my mental health day. I can't do it. I'll tweet about it You know, and then he wouldn't even stop crimes like I don't want to affect these marginalized areas But he gets mad at people like are you a Zionist? You know like it's all it's all like who I help you I'm gonna have to do a background check exactly which tweets if you like Like you know what it was like what's his name? Chappelle fucking I came up with what's his name? Chappelle the the chappelle bit about how bad man never wanted to dangerous neighborhoods Oh, it's great. Where do we park that hope you where's the car again? That was a great bet or then have a wonder woman out of the last Of truce and the guys like nice tits That's a great turn. He was 14. What he wrote that I know he was a phenol Maybe she'll tell man craze mama to drive into the club. Yeah, that was a I never and it's a good I'm just trying to not to be close minded like I looked at it first like I had like a little like I've read like watchman back in the Day watching novel. That was a really cool. That was great. But like I remember being like I don't know if it's my thing But then I I was like why am I? Who cares? Yeah, and I gave it a shot. I loved it. So yeah, yeah watch was they did a movie too I think I had yeah, I heard it's cool. I heard like visually I remember seeing the trailer being like well This looks like crazy. Yeah, they hanged on in that too. Do they yep the blue guy the blue guy Blue balls. You know what I think of every time it was Jeremy Irons I think you know I think of every time I hear Jeremy Irons is Robert Smigel's story that I think he told on this pod so funny Jeremy Irons is hosting SNL and he's just hating everything. They're pitching at him He's just like this is like that's a horrible idea and then he's like no that's bad. That's not good And it goes on and on forever and then he just pauses he goes I'm sorry. Yeah. It's just that I'm I'm used to working with the best No Like he meant it sincerely right right mean it's that's even worse that you mean it like no like I work with Working stuff. I don't oh man that's so much meaner. I'm sorry. I'm just not used to working with dipshit Yeah, it's like you can't get it up. You're like so I'm used to hot whip. Sorry, man Get to it So I've been on these hairpills. Yeah me and the wife were It looks like it's coming in well. Thank you. Thank you. It's getting there. Yeah, and I mean the wife for I couldn't get it up It was first time and you know, did you blame her? No, I could just think it feels like it could be yeah But she could also be that we've been together eight eight months. I know eight years whatever she's pregnant So she was like it's because I'm pregnant that I'm like no, no, no, that's you know That's never been a problem before. Yeah, it's gonna hot too cuz the tits get bigger right? It's a huge That's fun and Pretend she's someone else, but Yeah, so I couldn't get it. We were like laying there She's like let me blow you so blowing me nothing and then you know once you get past a certain point of it not getting up You're like it's I'm two of my head now like it's over So I fucking threw the pills in the garbage. I called a doctor Dada and We banged last night, so I'm back but that was a scary week just when you thought you were out I know she pulled you back in well my girlfriend said to me she goes I heard that when you start sucking and all this stuff and the guy doesn't get hard It means he's not that in you anymore, but it could also just mean that he loves you for sure Because it could just mean that we blogged a lot of hours at this point, right? So it could be a good thing that he doesn't always get immediately although I still get I mean I'm not there yet I'm so that's a good good way to get out of that. I love you. That's what I said But you know she's let herself go So I had all this it's called a manoxidil is what they give you to help your hair grow But it fucks you to testosterone so for like two weeks. I had zero sex drive which is a wild way to live Well, you have no sex drive. You kind of have no reason to get up in the morning It's funny that you you're getting more hair, but less testosterone. I know you're kind of turning into a woman Oh, I'm on this gender affirming care As Matt Ruby would say I'll make sure to hold the door for you as you leave today Yeah, so that was a weird week is just walking around like Birds of chirping, but nothing means anything good. It's like food has no flavor. You see a hot girl walk by you're like, I don't care It is weird when you are with someone who's like tweaking medication. I remember I was many many years ago McGubby's comedy club opening for Joe Matteries Mmm, and we saw the movieides of March during the day. I'll tell you guys not yeah, not a good movie. Okay, great cast It's like Philipsy more Hoffman. Blowny 2011 clue. Yeah, it's not a good move. It looks like a good movie like you see the box and you go That's a fucking Oscar winner. I now was because the cast is loaded, but yeah good on Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, did it. What is it 84 really? I don't think I didn't think it was a good move. Okay, but I remember I Like the cast a lot but I remember After the movie he just the really dark thing happens. It's a really fucked up ending and he turns to me He's like is it weird that I feel nothing and I was like yeah Really fucking awful that ending. Yeah, but he was tweaking meds So he just was like I'm numb. I'm just numb. Wow. That's funny. You're like, yeah, you're a sociopath But also it wasn't a great movie so maybe I don't know, but yeah, the tinkering with the meds. Yeah, fuck Oh, yeah, and now everyone's on meds. I know which is scary kind of scary Well, you'd be coming to rely and you feel the second you get off it. You're like, oh my god. I'm like Even something like caffeine. Yeah, don't drink drink like one last coffee and you're like, oh my god I feel like I'm addicted to this shit. Oh completely. I'd say if you stop scrolling for a week to stop like doom scrolling Well, the whole world changes. Yeah, you're happier. You know, you notice things birds chirping kids laughing, you know You're seeing things again. You see the world in color. You're so right. I mean just more stuff to do that isn't aimless Yes, it's it's what channel serving used to be right and that was like that was annoying That's why it's annoying when someone next to you is like flipping because like it's like something channel serving next to you Yeah, when you have someone else a bad remote control holder. Oh my god. It's insufferable the worst You're like, let me look at that for a second. You might it might be a good show But you just blew past it but the scroll guy on the train. You're like then he gets up and he's walking with it He's going upstairs with it. You're like put it down for a second. You're going upstairs. Just go upstairs It's one flight. Yeah, sometimes I like to listen audio books when I walk, but sometimes I'm just like Let me just fucking take in what's around me. Yeah, raw dog the world raw dog the world which is how we used to live all the time. - Yeah, especially in like Times Square, which is where we are, which is like, there's so much stimulation. - I know. - Just kinda wanna see what's happening sometimes. - The lights, this Elmo there, it was Batman there, there's a fist fight, there's a homeless guy, there's a hot girl, there's a couple making out, there's so much going on. - Yeah, I mean, I was showing my girlfriend son, like, he loves the Simpsons, so we'll just watch the Simpsons a lot, and I called his name a few times, and he just doesn't, I'm like, that's not good. - Yeah, that's not good. - That's not good that he's that locked in, do it. - I know, I bought a shell out of books, I'm like, we're switching things off. - Good for you, 'cause you turn that TV off, and you watch him spaz, like a mental patient, or like a drug addict, where they're like, "Nah, what are you doing?" - It's your first taste. - Yeah, it's exactly. - First taste, you're getting a taste of being proxy dad, what is that, was that weird? - Yeah, it's crazy. - Yeah, it's like the starter kit, man. I'm getting a little starter kit, yeah, it's good. - I was telling, it's the best part, 'cause the diaper parts over, like the screaming, the crying, the feeding, now you're getting into, like, good fun kid boy kid time. - Yeah, yeah, no, it's fun, man. Fun, got a little basketball hoop set up, got the laser tag, got decked out the stuff. - Laser tag, wow. - Dude, it's a good, problem is with kids, you just gotta let them win. - Sure, sure. - So it's like, it's just, you're just like, "Ah, you wanna get, you're just kinda sitting there." Same with rough housing, you know? It's like your rough house, but then like, all right, all right, let me choke slam him a few times. Let me power bomb him, and then you're just like, "All right, let me fall over so he covers me." So you get, you know, rough him up, but get the confidence up. - Yeah. - But now I'm like, I'm building up his confidence too much, he's kinda like, talk shit to, like, you talk shit to, like, the biggest kid in school. - Right, right. - He's dude to fall over. He's dude to fall over. So we just put you in this DDT kid. - Yeah. - My dad wore a tie every day in a briefcase. He was like, "Don't talk to me." - I know, same, my dad never wrestled with me. - No, no way. - Kids love that shit. - I know, I would have killed for a wrestle. - Good wrestle. - So it diddle me, something. - You're gonna hit me. - Oh, I've got him in a headlock all day long. I hang him upside down for like half the day. He just dies laughing, hung him upside down. It's great. - It's fun, yeah, it's cool. - But now he's gonna say about the scrolling. That's one thing, it's about us. We got to live half a life without this shit, and then the rest of your life with it. So we got a rare, you know, some jinzikit, it's all phone, you know, iPad, since they were-- - Try dating a woman like 10 years younger than us. It's a different life. - Oh, compared to that. - They don't know what it's like to not be a, like at least our first phone was like a Nokia, like snake, and all you could use it for was, like snake was the big feature. - Yes. - Remember that game snake? That was the big thing. - Number T9, how long would take to text? I mean, that was crazy. - But texting wasn't a part of your life. - No. - You call people. And it was five cents sometimes to text. - Right, yeah, text were like an hour's. - Yeah, friends with texting. I'm like, what do you do it, man? I'm broke. Don't text me. - God, remember the big one was like the side car? - Uh-huh, the sidekick or whatever sidekick. - Sidekick. - Yeah, the razor, the sidekick. - Remember how impressed we were by those photos? And now you look at them and you're like, that's the worst looking. Now it's a good joke on Instagram. - You can do the old phone filter. And you're like, we thought this was good. - Right, right. - I mean, you're a photographer, yeah. But I mean, it's-- - I fucking love those pictures. - Do you? - Yeah, I did. Yeah, that was everything. It cost 25 cents to send a picture. A nickel for a text. - Oh, that's right. That's right. - Yeah, man. - That's a lot of that adds up. - That adds up. - Yeah. - So you had to use it sparingly. - That dick that cost a quarter. - Shit, a bit of nickel. (laughing) But then it's crazy. The kids now, some kids have a brick phone 'cause they're like, I'm pushing back, you know? And you're like, wow, that's a cool kid. But that didn't happen before. Like if some kid, you know, wrote a horse, a pony to school, you're like, we all have cars. You know, it's the only thing where you go backwards and you look cool. You know, there's nobody in the 30s. Like, I'm not using penicillin, you know what I mean? - Medicine's different. - I know. - You gotta use them. (laughing) The pony thing was a good point. - All right, all right. I have a point with the pony. - But it's like a tell, a teller's like got the flip phone. - Yeah. - And you know that guy's mind is just always active. - That's true. We can't ruin that mind. We need that mind. - Gen Z now are using like those old like Nikon cool pics. You know those old shitty cameras from 2004? - Yes. - As they're walk around cameras. - They're kind of cool. Yeah, probably as we have so much stuff to pack. There's so much stuff in their pockets. - Kind of. - You know, you have a long day out. Fucking need like a backup charger or something. You pack your bag. I started trying to cut down on things that needed to be charged. My travel bag. - Yes. - 'Cause you're like, how many chargers do I need a fucking pack? - And I do hate that guy. The airport has got 19 things plugged in. He's got a laptop. He's got his iPad charge. He has phone charging. He can say AirPods charging. I'm like, dude, get a life. Get a book. - It's a note. I like the Kindle, but it was another thing to charge. - It was another thing to charge. - It's like, I'll just go old school and get books. Else I think books look cool as like-- - Sure. - In your apartment. - I agree. - Yeah, yeah, my whole office is just books, but I've read like six of them. This is kind of embarrassing. - I love a good audio book too though, but-- - Yeah. I like 'cause we're walking so much, you know? - I know. I know. So I took the white, look at this in my peep. Where you at on this? - Yeah. - Headed taking the wife out in a while. Couldn't get it up. Wanted to redeem myself, you know? So we go to this restaurant. There's one table taken. The hostess sits next to that table. And it's already New York, so the tables are like, you know, an inch apart. So she puts us next to this table. And I just tell the lady, I was like, we're gonna, can we sit at the bar? I can't sit next to this random couple, you know, for an hour. You always check what they've eaten, like how long are they gonna be here? And the guy, it was just bread. So I was like, all right, fuck it. So I got the, what, I got the-- - Why don't you say put me at a different table? - I don't know, they're always weird about it. It's like, that's her section. We have to put you over here. So I was like, all right, just, can we sit at the bar? She was like, sure. Then I opened the menu. It's one of these menus where it's all, there's no real food. You know, it's like devil eggs. And I like a devil egg, but it's five devil eggs. It was $40. - What? - I'm not paying $40 for five devil eggs. - That's fucking insane. - There was no meal. There was no like chicken or steak or fish. She was just like-- - Something. - Yeah, there was a hush puppies and cornbread. It was a meal. Or I'm like, we're leaving. Where are you at on these? - It's where you get from moving to Brooklyn. - I know, I know. It's one of these like, hoydings, hoydings. - You went on a restaurant. - Yeah, then a cocktail is 20. So you get four eggs, a cocktail, and a piece of bread. You're out of date, don't you? - But it's like a fancy place. You're trying to show out a little bit. - Exactly. - They had a steak, they didn't have a chicken. - Nothing, they had nothing cool like that. They had shrimp and grits, was like, they're big. - I like a shrimp and grits. - Contra, I do too, but-- - You're a Southern boy. - Yeah, but it's weird if that's the only thing. It's like, give me some options. So we got the hell out of there. We went to another place and that was great. We had a Thai. - Where do you-- - Oh, Thai is hot Thai hits. - I love Thai. - I feel like Thai kind of took over the Chinese. Chinese was kind of carrying the-- - That's true. - That's true. Thai one. - That's easy. - You had to help the-- - That's cool, something. - Yeah. - Thai is still not healthy. - You get a big thing, a bad Thai. That tastes great, it ain't healthy. - Yeah, there's a lot of sugar in Thai, I think. - It's so good though. - It's so-- - Love a papaya salad. - Oh, that just hits. - Oh yeah. - Love the spicy clues out the fucking sinuses. - I know. - It's something such a Jew right now, I'm sorry. - I love it too. That Tom Yum soup with the shrimp in those little mushrooms. - Oh, speaking of mushrooms. - Oh yeah, so my wife's having a party tonight, so I have to go. So I got these. - You're gonna dose? - No, but a dose just 'cause I'm dying at these parties. - What kind of party is this? - She's having a German theme sex club party, so everybody's gonna be dressed like horse. Gilles. - I'm a little offended I can invite to this party. - Oh, well, I'm just like, you don't wanna go. - Oh, any comics going? - That's a lot of women. You know what it is, my wife's pregnant. She feels not like part of the scene, so she's like, I'm dressing in lingerie. So she's gonna be a madam and all these friends of hers. - Now I'm really bummed out and getting in. - You could come, please come. - No, I don't wanna come. - It goes till midnight. - No, no, no. - She got an entertainer. - I just wanna be invited, I don't wanna go to any. - I hear you, I hear you. Well, I'm inviting you. - All right, thank you. - But you gotta wear skimpy bullshit. - I don't wanna do that. - Fishnet, chains, you know, leather, all that. - Damn. - So I'm going underwear trench coat. I'm gonna be the flasher guy. So I'll have like, like, the speedo on but a trench coat. - Yeah, she's not gonna wait. (laughing) - What a fucking, what a life. - I know, I know, but I'll be on troops. - Yeah, could you get a full bar? - It's B-Y-O-B. - Damn. - Yeah, have a bodega cat. - Well, I'll have my own. - Yeah, all right. - I got my own bottle, her two. But I'll have a couple of cocktails, do the shrooms. - What's the food situation? Devil Degg, Shrooming Degg? What do you serve? - No food, it's, you gotta be hot, you gotta be skinny. So it's a sex club. - No phone scenario, can anyone take pics and stuff? - Yeah, she wants pics. Yeah, she's got a sheer, literally like a sheer outfit. It's crazy. - Yeah. - So then her friends are sending photos of what they're wearing. So it's gonna be some eye candy. - Yeah. - So if you're a single man, you're missing out. - Oh, baby, whisker, the litter robot. I love my cat. I got a big old main coon. He takes a dump like a bear. And I got the old school, you know, fucking, the old school scooper. It's a very primitive, very archaic. So those days are over. If you've been eyeing a whisker litter robot, now's the time to finally get one. They're having their best deals of the year. The whisker litter robot automatically cycles after every use, so you don't have to scoop, hallelujah. 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Yeah, underdog you ever notice how the second you lock in your picks you completely change as a person before kick off your chilling relax maybe a little board then you lock your picks in now you're standing three feet from the TV because you somehow that's helping right your Google and weather reports for a stadium eight states away screaming just throw it to your bum like you got a direct line of the QB I love that stuff I honestly think that's the best part of sports not the outcome the sweat edge of your seat baby the stretch between making your pick and finding out if you're genius that's why I play and for those of us who want to sit up and not sit back it's got to be underdog so this season don't just watch lock in with underdog and give every game a pulse download underdog to play keep your million start with one million dollars make it through all 20 picks and walk away with whatever's left hey that's a steal underdog unleash your dog is it starting to feel like sex is always scheduled and sometimes that's even rescheduled bring back some spontaneity with him here here hymns combines personalized treatment plans and a 100% online process no office visit no pharmacy line no awkward conversations you just connect with a license provider who can determine if treatment is right for you some guys want daily support so they're ready whenever some just want it when they need it and if a provider decides it's a right fit your treatment plan is prescribed online and ships to your door ready to build a better sex light visit hymns dot com slash drunk for a personalized plan for sex hair weight loss and more that's h-i-m-s dot com slash drunk prescription products require an online consultation with a licensed health care provider who will determine if a prescription is appropriate restrictions apply individual results may vary based on a survey of him's customers see hymns dot com for full details you have a pre-gaming of shrooms yeah this is a flat's a hard core pre-game yeah I'll just take a little I won't go crazy you know hangover with that stuff no no hangover I've never done truth I know back in the day you always tried to get me to do sure it's the best drug I think I'm sure yeah well there's no hangover it's natural you have fun you feel good it's not really bad for you it lasts four hours you're done all right you do it too yeah he loves them yeah no I do like micro does now sometimes like almost to sleep but you can perform on that shit I would do that now because it's too too much mental shit going on but it helps you sleep yeah that I've never done like a micro a small small small amount in like amazing dreams micro is my middle name no it sounds good man I think that I maybe I'll try it some but I but I don't even like weed as a pro I don't like weed either I don't like edibles either I don't like not knowing when it's gonna hit me up animals are bad but that's an edible yeah I guess but I'm saying I don't like weed edibles this is like it's like fun weed is like heavy oh my god what did I say that was stupid I'm an idiot this is like whoo loopy fun it's like red wine all right yeah I'll give you a square if you want all right are you coming tonight okay so it was going to be no dudes can't spare a square yeah I see what I got I guess in peace I think Ruby's coming so easy he'll do a he'll do a line he'll he'll he'll he'll wear a fordoral for right then just a fordora hanging dog a forster mediums I've got a special taping the week a plus material oh really great yeah he's got good stuff love man so I got a piv all right this is a bodega cat piv there's a bodega cat place there's a bodega with a bunch of cats by me they don't let you pet the cats what all these two cats they say no petting I'm like fuck you that's crazy it's the do not touch of the strip club but but worse because because we should be allowed to pet yes yes that is crazy I don't like it I don't like it one bit because you're multiple cat because you're using it for business you know it's getting people in there and then you're not you know kids don't even get the pet them that's crazy well they're scared you're going to get bitten and sue I guess who's so in a bodega cat that's crazy yeah damn that sucks yeah they named my bodega name their cat after my son what yeah hey that's a New York shit right there in New York that's great these mom Donnie supermarkets they got no cats in there definitely no dogs damn yeah that's what the beauty the bodega is the cat you can't pet it now I get another piv what if he got a pen on the side like but they don't see I did it and he called me out he's like no petting whoa I'm not coming back yeah I thought I'm done you should go go in there with a dog see what happens I got another piv I don't know if the piv is Sydney Sweeney or women talking about Sydney Sweeney but I'm annoyed how much I have to hear about Sydney Sweeney women hate they hate her and I'm annoyed having to hear how much they hate her yeah my girlfriend will just talk about like because you know it's promised you they're doing that like scantily clad ad of hers during sports my girl will be next to me while I'm watching sports from now she comes up like oh she sucks and I'm like okay and then it just keeps going yeah so what is the beef she just a lady she's just not interesting one of the lines my girlfriend said to me about Sydney Sweeney was without her tits she be nothing I was like well without my jokes that be nothing sometimes you have to take the full package into account you know yeah I said the same thing to Ari women well I said like if she didn't have those huge cans she wouldn't be that hot and he goes but she does she does and I was like to Shay Ari but women just hate her they hate her and it'd be cool if women could just go she's fucking hot she got huge tits I don't like it well they do is they always find a picture of her without makeup and they're like look at this picture I know everyone's got those pictures yeah women are full of shit because they get mad at Shane for saying these women dress like horses you're allowed to dress like in the point her and then they call her a horror for being a horror yeah or for being naked sorry you were though this close you were this close edit that no yeah she's a hot girl it's like the eight that's all this time yeah no I totally man yeah she's got great cans and she does what she wants and she and she's converting to Judaism at a very unpopular time I saw that does a great tweet yeah oh yeah I said her converting to Judaism now is like being a next fan in 2003 not a lot of good years to look forward to yeah we got respected yeah no but I think I'm just the peve is having to hear about her because I have no issue with her I don't care I've never seen anything she's done I didn't I haven't watched any movie she's been in I watched I have no interest I don't care but the having to hear yeah at the time and just admit that it's because she's hot that women they did all this other stuff well she's not interested she's obviously high who cares if she's interesting that's the boyfriend I want to see who he's dated here oh I got the history I told you I met her oh yeah and she's I don't want to just try to say this nicely she's just she's kind of normal looking in person like you wouldn't be like oh my god like you see her on TV you're like wow look at this with these people it feels like it's like the camera loves it yes yes the camera loves her like she's pretty but you see her in person like that's like a cute lady my girlfriend showed her son a picture of Sydney Sweeney he's you know young and she goes is she pretty and he goes you're much prettier mommy and all the odds that's nice but if he says that in eight years we might have a problem it would have been it's you at a piss that's true go to your room no I've never said that to my mom I was really you're prettier than he's a sweet kid I'm on a short hair and glasses of food so it was a different world Pamela Anderson was the chick when we were young but it was almost like basic of course she was too obvious yeah I would go I'd say Angelina Jolie and Carmen Electra I like to try to get away from her one yeah I mean Angelina Jolie was ridiculous stunning like otherworldly yeah oh wow young Yasmeen Bleeve well oh man oh my god yeah she was yeah tough tough don't do that I was like I don't you hate when fucking the New York Post like what happened to this time mother fucker oh yeah that's the stuff oh wait a minute that's it you know all right oh yeah Tiffany Ampert these are two hello she was very pretty yeah it's everyone's crush say by the bell Yeah, but you got implants. Did she? Yeah, which is like really kicked it up a notch screech Did you were you? Were you saved by the bell kid? Oh, yeah seeing every episode. It's so bad though. Of course, but I still remember the jokes Screech you can't alope. Who you calling a candle will be melon head? That's a great joke. No, it's not You can't alope because he was gonna run away and get married He's like screech you can't alope because who you call a candle that's called every there was a whole YouTube channel dedicated to Zach Morris being a piece of I saw that was really is fun brilliant because you're like Oh, you don't realize that like this guy's a fucking bad person. He's a yeah, he's a narcissist and like a conniving douche He was like a backstabber. Can we pour right out for mr. Belding who just oh, yeah, oh Asking's died. Yeah damn. All right, he gee that guy probably got so much rando veg Yeah, I got pulled up to a hooters. He left with that waitress. You know it. Yeah I mean say with Bob Sagan cuz you're the you grew up watching him as the dad figure. Yeah, so I'm sure he cleaned up His second was a man. I love Bob. Mm-hmm. What are you in the implants? Is that a thing you like or now? No, it was just fun because even as a kid you're like, well, I can't like about it pretty Which kind of what that later you're like when you got a plant. I think aesthetically. They're pleasing But they're not I don't think they have no no. I didn't want you actually touching me like yeah, but You see Billie Eilish got the a reject the other way she went the other way. Let's see what's good. I'm pouring out a drink for her And I wait and Patrick Stewart RIP Patrick Stewart. He died. He died today, dude He was like 86. I didn't realize he was at old. He looked he looked young. I had no idea my mom That was her number one crush was Patrick Stewart really. Yeah, she would love my dad. Oh really kind of looks like Patrick Stewart a little I mean, he'd be all that enterprise going engaged and she's like Dude he was awesome and he was for cars so funny in all a Seth MacFarland shit Oh, yeah, so much voiceover stuff with him. See Kay. I don't think so dude. He was so funny in actress. Oh He was great in that he killed it in extras. I'm pretty sure he's a gay man. I don't think so Okay, what's that other guy? Ian McAlleness. Yeah, yeah, they were like Another sir. Yeah, both awesome man. This is just osampic. No, I don't know No, I think it's better than it boobs give it a go. All right. I think she did get it Reduction I love this is the current events Mark and I are up on Well like that we've we've thoroughly researched this yeah, yeah, yeah Attractive woman. Yeah, it's got a nice face. There's no okay. Okay, maybe it's us him. All right fake news. She's sorry everybody Maybe maybe this isn't bad news. Yeah, there's an upbeat part Not to bring up another documentary, but I'm halfway through the Matthew Perry There's a Matthew Perry dog. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, I forgot why I brought it up well He was he dated everybody by the way. Yeah, you can enjoy your Roberts. Yeah, pretty crazy He went for like this nobody to just the biggest Seemed he it was so cool seeing the 90s. This footage of him going to the playboy mansion with his friends that are convertible and you're like wow None of this is allowed anymore. He'd get out of the mansion You've got a me on it and all these girls like Matthew Perry and they run up to him and Scott Bayo high fives him and you know all these other guys like wow the 90s were Magical There was this article that came up about the playboy mansion with this woman was like some of these celebrities were creeps and it was just an article about how like John Love it would look at them. That's like what do you want people to do with it? People walk around naked. Yeah It was like her trying to make it sound like a creep. I'm like it sounds like that's just what that place was of course of course Yeah, it was a Smuthouse. Yeah, this is a pretty generational run for Matthew Perry Gwyneth Paltrow Rallel Grinnellia. That's amazing. Priestlin Fest. Neve Campbell. Wow He has me again to double mentioned Nevelle Grinnellia. He has a man. Oh, Heather Graham. All right. Piper Parabo. This volleyball player. Oh, how the hell she's slipping there. Good Lord. Could he have fucked any more women? Woo! Meg Ryan. Man, I'll say it's a run. Meg Ryan. I was just chilling at home the other day. You've got male came on pleasant film. Very pleasant. It's just pleasant. It's not funny. It's not quite funny. It's just kind of like that's nice. It's nice. It was a ripoff of a sleepless Seattle, which was a no, it's a ripoff of little shop around the corner, which is a fucking Ernest Lou Bitch movie from like the 40s. Whoa. Would you call me? But it's it's fun though. That's very funny. It's like it's like if that's your chick flick I can handle. Yeah, it's pleasant. That's what a chick flick used to be. Yes. Now you're like I can't do like they don't feel like homework level. I know what Pemberton or what is that one with the? What's that one called? Not Pemberton? Pendleton. Enterton? No, no, no, it's like a it's like middle ages. It's a black guy and a white woman. Oh, yeah, I know you're talking about this. It's unneffless. hugely popular. It looks like garbage. Yeah, then there was like mama Mia. Yeah, there's no chance of a guy liking these, but also tanks and Ryan help. Yeah, they're just fucking good actors, you know. Yeah, they're great. Dave Chappelle was of that. I know he was a kid. I'd be like, he's in this. Yeah, you know, a young comedian. Yeah, what a ranch. What a nation. Hell. Yeah, he was that the men and tights. See it a couple Irish anders. Yes. No, that's not it. Emily and Paris. Did you hear the the sisterhood of the traveling pants lady? Mm-hmm. She got a divorce. Mm-hmm. Or maybe it was the mama Mia lady. Whoever wrote the book turns out she got a divorce, turned into a lesbian, became a drug addict, killed her wife. I don't know. It's a crazy story about the writer. Damn. We need a doc. We need a doc. I don't know. Maybe it was maybe his mama Mia. She has seen lady. Oh, really? Yeah. She killed her wife. Maybe I threw that part in for a for effect, but crazy. We're paying your love attention there. Crazy. And she raped the baby. Really? What? That was that last part? Damn. Yeah, there's too many docs. I know there's an Elon Musk one. I'm like, I'm excited about that. Really? Well, it's Alex Gibney. Yeah. He's a beast. That's still going clear and wrong. Oh, he did those. Oh, yeah. He's the guy. Going clear was really good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Maybe I'll watch it. There's just so many. I forgot why I brought up the Maria Bamford originally, but it's very interesting. I didn't know how crazy she is. Like, we're talking multiple meds, uh, insane asylum, suicide attempts. Like, I had no idea. I didn't know that. I thought she was. It's a quirky lady. You never know what people are going through. I know. Yeah. Then she was in the fires. Her house was in the fires. Like, uh, it's a crazy time. She lost her place. She actually. Her place made it and everything around it did. It's stuff. I know. Get that survivor's guilt. Yeah. Yeah. Sweet woman. I've been her a few times. She's the nicest lady on the planet. I know. Remember, she hung with us in Vancouver. Yes. That was fun to sell. Oh, I remember why I brought it up. So she got a target at. She was the target lady for a while. So she made millions on that. And then she started researching. Like, huh? Is this a good company? sweatshop labor and not paying the employees well. So she, she quit. Wow. Didn't post about it. Didn't do nothing. And, uh, that's, I respect that. She was like, Hey, this. I feel bad about working with this company. I'm just going to just going to leave. And that night her agent blew his head off. Haha. Probably. Yes. She did that for years and realizing, I think this company is kind of shitty and bailed out. But good for her. Good for her. Nice lady. Very funny. It seems like a classy, uh, person. Great comedian. I remember watching an hour in Vancouver. Yes. She's, she's very funny. Maybe that club. The comedy mix. It's gone. Right. It's gone. One of the great clubs just gone. Vancouver is just a great place. Cool town. Heirs, cleaners. Yes. Although, I will say the last time I was there, a guy tried to chase us with a machete. They were like, you got to, we got to wait to leave because there's a guy outside waiting with the machete. I'm like, I didn't do that badly. Haha. But he's just waiting. I was like, this is wild. Man, drugs. I mean, it's not an area to do the Pacific Northwest, heroin, heroin, everything. Yeah. They love it. Seattle, Portland. That whole fucking. I know. I was just in Portland, Oregon. Great comedy town. The shows were amazing. But my god. I mean, it was, uh, you go. I was staying downtown. It's crazy. It's like a food truck selling cupcakes, and then a guy just doing heroin next to it. And you're like, no one notices. There's a line. People are losing their feed for different reasons. It's called, fuck the pastry arc. You, of course, but yeah, that's like, it's a crazy town. They're just, they're just so used to it. Yeah. Yeah, damn. You know, it's you walk around there. It was depressing itself. But that's so many downtowns in America right now. Yeah, I think they did the free drug tents for a while. They decriminalize. I think they're free. They turn that back. They turn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that usually works. Who knows? Yeah. It's like, you don't go super left with it. And you're like, nah, this. Right. You need some police in. Yeah. Yeah. I need some regulation. Now, how about this one? That is embarrassing. Tell me if you've ever done this. I brought it up to list. He almost quit being my friend. Okay. So that a failure. That I get. This was the one of the weirdest. I had a brain fart. So, you know, So the lack of sleep, the baby, whatever, you know, running around where we work like animals. I have a flight to Portland. I booked it too late, so I had a connection. Portland, I mean, in New York, Salt Lake City, Salt Lake City to Portland. One hour connection. - Okay. - So I landed in Salt Lake City at 2 p.m., the flight leaves at 3 p.m. So I go to the lounge and go, hey, I got to go. - Oh dude, you gotta know they're boarding 30 minutes before, right? He doesn't occur to you? - I ate in the lounge, I got recognized. I met a lady who was a waitress at Wise Guys. We chatted for a while and I go up at 3 o'clock. I walked to the plane, it's gone. - Yeah. - I look out the window. - You're a fucking professional traveler. This is amateur out. - It was like dumb and dumb, or I ran right off the tarmac. It was crazy, and I was like, where's the plane? What the fuck, it's 3 o'clock. Oh, it leaves at 3. I've been flying every day or every week for the last 20 years. - It's like totally spaced. - That is crazy. - How crazy is that? So I had to call my agent and I go, I missed the flight, he goes, what happened to the delayed? I go, no, I just said-- - I didn't just lie and say I got delayed. - I should have done that. - Well, I had to get a shrimp scampie in the lounge. - It was shrimp, wasn't it? - Yeah, I couldn't resist the shrimp. - What? - So I called him, and he's like-- - What jerk's doing running out of you, what? So you, what time is the gig? - So I was landing, originally landing at five for a seven o'clock show. Now I'm landing at seven for a seven o'clock show. - So they stretched? - No, I just went straight there. And the hose went on, the middle went on, then I went-- - And you made it. - I made it, but I wanted to shower. I was all gross and, you know, I saved my shower for pre-show. - I love a good pre-show shower. - Gotta have a pre-show shower after playing. - Yeah, that is wild that you are that irresponsible. - I don't know where this came from. I'm just, I'm an idiot. You know what it was? I think I ever want something so bad, you believe it's true. - Of course. - So I think I was like, I want an hour in the lounge or something, I don't know. - I get that feeling, but you're, dude, you're a pro. - Crazy, crazy. Yeah, I mean, I'm so terrified of missing connections 'cause I have those memories of sprinting. - Yes. - You're at the Atlanta airport, the Charlotte airport, or Detroit, any of those airports, you're like, this is so fucking big. And you're like, and you're, and you know, you don't want to check a bag. You're fucking, you're, you're, you're rolling bag and you're back, and you're just like, just sprinting and you're just drenched in sweat. - I know. - You add a breath. You're fucking knees fucked up. - Yes. - And they closed the door and you're like, so I have those flashbacks where it's like, yeah, they've shut the door in my face. - Yeah. - And it's brutal. - It is. - It's brutal 'cause like, they always say like, they'll, they'll, they know who's on the flight, they'll wait for you and they're like, they don't give a fuck. - They don't wait for you. Get out of here. - You think they give a shit if I make my flight? - I know. - They make the same money. - Yeah, and they like it a little bit going down. You missed it. We're closing that door. I think they get a little joy out. - They do it like, you're gonna take a look at your life. - Yeah, they get to be better than you for a second. - Oh, yeah. I mean, I was an opening joke and one of my specials, I'm just shouting the door in my face, it's a hundred percent true, and it's a night and it's the day an Netflix special came out, and I missed a gig in Vermont because of it. - Wow. - Damn. - But it was, you know, and I got hammered on the flight. I was like, you know, it ended up being, it was supposed to be a connection and turned out being three because of that. - Right. - I hate the three. You just feel, 'cause sometimes you're going, you're like here, then you go backwards. - Yeah. - You're gonna have to come back. - Yes, that is the worst. - You feel like you're going back in time or something? - Yeah. One of my worst was I had a gig in Rochester. And you know, it's a 42 minute flight from here. - Yeah. - And I was like, well, it's a 42 minute flight. I'll get the four o'clock. You know, it's a four o'clock flight. - I rolled the dice. - Yeah, and then got delayed, got delayed, got delayed, and now the show's happening and the amount of DMs I got, fuck you, we got a babysitter. You piece of shit, I drove five hours, you fucking asshole. And yeah. - You can only really do that if you have a private plane. - I know. - And even then you can get fucked by weather. - True. - But if you're like us and you fly commercial, you gotta take an earliest flight. - I know. - Should've gone like a noon or something. - Yeah, dude, that flight to Rochester. I remember last time, I mean, the incorrect story for my special, that woman is from a flight to Rochester. That awful plane. 'Cause it gets fucking windy, and it's a tiny ass plane. And you know it's not an 18 pilot. - Right. - You know that, they're not putting the best pilot on that plane. No offense, please don't know that of it. - That end buffalo. - Dude, you know it. - 'Cause they're so short. They're so short, it's like, this is like an up-and-comer. - Yeah. - This is the open-mic pilot. - Exactly. - And exactly. - And we need you to be good on this tiny rink-and-ding plane. - Yes. - And oh man, I remember the night before I went on that flight, I was talking to Jim Norden, and every time I got that gig, and he was like, "Oh, I always drive those little planes "scare the shit out of me." - Oh, of course it happened after that. (grunts) Well, we're just like, "We're gonna fucking die." - Yeah, those are so bumpy, those up north New York flights. - Well, you look to the stewardess to see if they're panicking. - Yes. - And she was panicking. - Oh, my God. - She was like, and I was like, "Oh, damn." Did you see the, well, first of all, a guy got stabbed. Do we cover that? - What? - A guy got stabbed on a flight to Israel, the pilot stabbed in the pilot. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Crazy. They turned out okay, they got the guy. - Yeah. - But it's always mind-blowing that these terrorists are willing to go to flight school, rack up hours, learn to fly, become a united pilot, and then do that. - That's so much work. - It's a lot of work. - I mean, if we could only direct a lot to like positive shit. (laughing) Right? If we could get it from the guy, a lot hates cancer. Now imagine like all those guys with that dedication, curing cancer, or something, a cure hangover. A lot hates hangover, so I'm calling it. (laughing) - It's one for you. - Yeah, come on, a lot. - I think I'm just gonna cut the head off. - A lot of car, yeah, cut the head off the steak. But yeah, it's just crazy that they're willing to do all that just to-- - The work to, yeah. - It's mind-boggling. I have my friends all work. (laughing) These guys are doing all that for religion. - I always wonder how many terrorists just like, you hit the snooze and you're like, "I'm not doing it." - I know! - I wonder how many-- - I hit the snooze all the time. - They don't do it. They don't snooze. - What? - Supposedly there was a fifth plane on 9/11, yeah. - Oh, I think they were late or whatever. I didn't take off. It was sort of a snooze alarm type thing. - Oh, that's funny. - They're like, "You blew it." (laughing) - We shouldn't have hired Ockman. I know Ockman. He's a fucking, he's a lazy bastard. - He's a party animal. - Yeah, he was hungover, dude. - Right. - He's like, "Fuck, I shouldn't have had that third-long island." (laughing) Well, they don't drink. - Some of them do. - Really? - Yeah, sure. - All right. - That's crazy. I mean, it was that story. I had a bit about it and I got this about the guys who were partying too much. They became like obsessed with American culture. - Oh. - You know? - Oh, yeah, right. But it's like, imagine coming here, if that's your life, and of course you're gonna get infected with this whole journey. - It's fun. - Yeah, it's great. Tits. - It's like when you go to your friend's house who spoiled when you're young? - Yeah. - And they had like, I had a friend, my mom made me eat healthy all the time. Then you go to your friend's house and he's got like food by the foot. - Yes. - He's got like gushers. - He's got dunker-oos and you're like, "This is fucking. " He's just, he's just like, "Woom, woom, woom, woom." That's what they're doing with pussy when they come here. They're like, "Oh my god." - Yeah. You see what the amish, the amish always loses it. - Rumsbringer. - Rumsbringer, they don't go back. They like to get an iPad, they're watching fucking two girls one cup. They're not going back to raise the bar. - Yeah, though, actually this is too far. Let's go back to the regular porn. That is funny to the public, they hit their breaking point. - Yeah, that's true. That is a lot. But last week in a flight, you saw a flight attendant saw a guy texting, "We're taking this plane down." She caught a mid-text, pull that up. - Yeah. - What? - Yeah. - And so she told the pilot and the pilot just quietly landed the plane. - Well, you got to get one of those, like, block screen. - Yeah. - I got one of those. I've got jokes on this all day. I don't want someone looking over my fucking shoulder. - Wait, what is that? I got to do the block screen. - You can't see this. Look at my screen, you can't see it. - No, I can't. - It's like a block screen. It's a screen protector that blocks you. - Where do you get those? - Amazon. - Oh, I'm going to get one. - There it is. - I get text. - There's a comedian said, "You can't get that if you're married." - Oh, you can't just be like, "Why are you getting that?" I don't know. I just don't want people to see. - Yeah. - Man who hijacked, wait, hold on. Man who's hijacked text caused plane to turn back. Said it was banter with co-worker policing. - Oh, okay. So it was a joke. - So it wasn't anything? - No, they turned the plane around. But it was nothing. - Oh, wow. - That's crazy, though. That is kind of crazy, she's reading texts. But what if it saved lives? So it kind of has an interesting argument. - I guess you can't say hijack on a plane. - I guess not. - It's like saying fire in a movie theater. - What if you see your buddy? Hey, Jack. Hi, Jack. - That's the way the term hijack comes from, by the way. - What? - When you pull up to a truck, these people like Jack or Mack. - Yeah. - And then hey, Jack, you pull up to a truck and you say, "Hi, Jack." And you take the fucking truck. - Interesting. - Oh, wow. Interesting. That was the thing in New York. It's actually what time it was, and then they hit you. - Just damn. - What time you got? Then you look down, boom. - Damn. - And then the world is dead. But I can tell you where you got your shoes. And you go, "I bet you can't." And the guy goes, "Five bucks." And he goes, "On your feet." And you go, "Ah, jeez." There you go, you fucking hobo. - That's good. It's good stuff. (laughs) Remember those guys who used to come in the subway? - They're two run, run, run, the two run. - Yes. - In the White House, there was a black guy. I'm like, "We've heard this one already. You stole this from the other hobos." (laughs) - I love them. We did the barbershop guys back. (laughs) That was quaint. (laughs) - Those guys are great. - It's definitely better than the Marriott she banned. - Oh my God. There's always three old black guys. I wanna go, "Ooh." (laughs) ♪ Ooh, do, ba, ba, b-doo, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ Remember remember Gregg Draldo used to do a bit where how did these guys even me they're just around a campfire? I smoke crack me to me Such a good fucking bit man. He had some great stuff You know that great thing. We're so fat in America. Everything reminds us of the food. He's like my house on fire marshmallow. Oh, man Every bit animal panties. We're eating our panties. Yeah, that's how fat we are death by chocolate my chocolate Did you have any room for dessert? Yes, that's how fucking fat we are. Yeah, how's it great, but how old are you now? We're at one hour, but do you guys have any bits you're working on we do what's called bringing any bits on this pocket? I got a bit. What do you got? All right, this is a this bit needs an ending, but it's hitting So I say you know Marriage is not that hard, but when you bring a kid in that's when it gets challenging Like being married like being two pilots, you know, you're both flying through the air. You're like a team You hit some turbo once, but you make it work being married with the kids like being two pilots But there's a terrorist on board and that kills. That's funny, and then I don't know where to go with it So the line I have now is the only difference is at least with a terrorist you can Tie him up and beat the shit out of him. Everybody's proud of you if I do that at Target. I get kicked out or something like that But yeah, I can do better. It's a great start. Yeah They're they're very similar. They make demands. They're screaming. That's good I think that's the angle rather than beating the shit out. I like yeah, they make demands. Yeah, they're just demands are funnier And then you're like we don't negotiate with terrorists Yeah, but as a parent, you know, we kind of have to you kind of have to because we're stuck with them I want to stay up late and eat cookies like not right Well half an hour or something, but with a terrorist it's like you can't yeah, it's like Fuck, you know, a terrorist will be in an office building like I'll blow the whole thing up I need $10 million cash in a private jet to Hawaii and you're like, okay, okay, hold on But instead of like women and children go it's like let me get this worked on Yeah, terrorists Yeah, they're very similar to terrorist kids screaming, you know, they're We've another terrorist on the way Yeah, right. Yeah, it's it is like Fuck maybe it's something funny about the only difference is a terrorist didn't didn't show up because you got drunk and got laid I like the other stuff. Okay. I like I like we're going before I got like The similar terrorists and babies. Yeah The terrorists you can just kill Yeah Yeah, you can't kill your kid. That's not now it's I like you know, it's the one terrorist you have to negotiate with Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, like I think that's the angle. It's like I want cookies for dinner one cookie like you're doing yeah, you're going back and forth a little bit Yeah Instead of and it's like but it's like instead of valuing your safety or valuing your sleep. Oh Yeah, yeah, it's also an angle too about like it's like being a pilot. We're like you can do it with one It's easier with two you can kind of take shifts. Yeah Yeah, yeah, right a single parent. Yeah, all of a sudden you're showing up in a different plane to some other plane Your mom's got the good one right right. I got a shuttle Maybe there's something funny. We you're negotiating with the guy on the plane as if he's a kid like imagine if you go up to You know the guy crazy terrorist guy. I'd be like okay You can have one Elmo you know like it will give you one thing. Yeah one string cheese. Yeah One ice cream. Well if we if you let us lay this plane will give you ice cream. Yeah, you know Also sleep deprivation is a torture. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. Time is water. Yes. That's good. It's also funny that it's a lot of the stuff You do to calm down a kid is stuff that's allowed on a plane snacks movies. Oh You know, I don't know I don't know where to go with that, but there's something like that's true Also, people hate babies on a plane A terrorist on a plane. That's a good way to come back to it. Yeah either way When one comes on a plane, you're like fuck. Oh Right. Yes. Yes. That's good Yeah, when a when a terrorist goes I'll a walk bar or when a baby goes It's the same feeling Yeah, either way both you both you either way go fuck. Yes. Yes All right, all right. This is a lot to play with okay I like to negotiate. I brought a good book. Yeah, that's fun. Ah, I get what this is next to me I got a few things. I got a few things about AI About how I asked AI like I was like because I was saying Mike kill us and I was like I asked are you gonna kill us and an AI said 55% of people think AI Well, one day pose a risk to the human race I think that's a fair thing to take seriously and I was like that's fucking crazy that you're honest about it Yeah, it's also crazy like because I still talked to you all the time Right, can you imagine having a friend who was like I might kill you and you're like you're gonna fucking kill me He's like maybe And then an hour later you just forget about it and you're like hey, what's a good Schnitzel recipe? Right, but something to that I think about like how we're just casually using the thing that might kill us Yeah, and then what else do I have? That's a tricem of this other shit maybe something like it's kind of like drunk driving like I know it's bad But you still do it like what something that could still kill you, but we kind of still I'll do it Drink yeah, exactly that could be the angle. Maybe it's like AI might kill me but some might fucking whiskey. Yeah Yeah, yeah, I'm doing that in the meantime both are answering a lot of life's questions. Yeah, both are a quick fix both. Yeah, both are Both are helping me I don't know, I'm trying both probably shouldn't be legal, but they are Yeah Well, I've another one I want to remember I just one might have more legs that one I that one whatever I'll figure that out But it's an it's a true premise to premise that is one more thing could the idea that we just use it and disregard it is Interesting. Yes, let me try this other one. I have a thing about abortion. That's hitting and I want to add to it the idea that like Uh, I'm at the age now if I come into woman. I just have to keep it No, I say once you hit 40. I think I'm pro life You can't be over 40 at the abortion clinic It's like being the old dude at the club people are like you still haven't figured it out. That's interesting. There's something interesting Yeah, these are the two. I can't really crack. Maybe they maybe that's something with Women can't get pregnant at a certain age. You can't get an abortion at a certain age. I think that's good You know, I think that's the angle. Yeah, it's like either way. You're just like yeah, this is it for you Yes, this is it for you their life. They're like I wanted a kid. I can't do it. I waited too long and you're like I waited too long You got it. Even if you're a loser like oh, you have a roommate. You got to have an un third roommate Third-rate. You got to figure it out. Yeah. I love the angle of like when you hit 40 you have to have pro life. Yeah, that's really good Yeah, I think that's something there. All right. I'll try it tonight. You don't be the old guy at the club You don't be the old guy at the abortion clinic. Oh, you know Yeah, there's something there. Yeah. Yeah. We'll plug some dates to it. What do you got? All right. All right. Watch the new Netflix special by the way correct. He's getting another watch. I'm getting a lot of nice messages I appreciate it people are crazy. I had a guy on the train today. Yeah, he was like I'm a huge fan of you would say I want to listen every week and I go oh, you know, he's got a Netflix special out and he goes he does like What the hell is this? Uh-huh people don't make it to the end. I should say in the beginning. Yeah. I guess so Uh, this is Sammy's oh, I got stand-up live in Phoenix November 13th through 15th. That'll be fun as hell Got a Pittsburgh improv November The 2019 19 21st. Yeah, November 19 21st Pittsburgh improv then I'm in Cleveland at Hilarities might add a show there then we add a Madison Wisconsin the following weekend December 10 through 12 will definitely add a show maybe two there Then we got McGubby's joke house December 17 through 19th in Baltimore area Miami improv in January and then uh West Palm improv as well So see you guys on the road samerald.com/shows or punch up follow us on punch up mark. Were you gonna be? I just popped it Oh boy, so did the uh the instructions Come with instructions All right, we got November 6th mark. You're gonna be in San Jose. I know you say that's a big room Then we got a cap city comedy club. Sorry, Rogan going to the other room Palo. What's the reason for that? Uh, I can't remember. I think I'm doing mother ship later So I said I fuck it. I'll do the other club Palozzo and the at Vegas love that theater Indio, California at fantasy springs casino Charlotte at the Comedy Zone. I love that club. I love the Carolinas There's the mother ship later and uh Yeah, come on out. I think I'm doing some other oh cedar showroom in Foxwoods Connecticut Did I miss one over on in New York? Keep going down. Whoopsie. We're on in New York Uh, where to go. Oh, there it is. One up event center at Turning Stone. Oh, that's a cool one up in there And I'm doing Atlantic City. I don't know why that's not on there. Atlantic City at the Tropicana, which I've never done Yeah, dude and a big weekend in Pittsburgh on April 9th make-up date Yeah, yeah, well surgery and I fucked up that date. We love you guys buy some bodega cat new bodega cat merch coming soon Yes, bodega cat whiskey and Instagram send a message Uh, love you guys. Yeah, how'd that man had a guest bail we're gonna reschedule with him But yeah, this was this was fun as hell. Oh, yeah, he'll be back. Thank you gang comedy. We'll see you ♪ Sunday's the day for my next vendors ♪ ♪ I bet a peaver wreckie know the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much birthing ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's comin' ♪ ♪ And they could send you well as feelin' dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪