Just for Today - November 20th, 2025 with The Squad - Finding fulfillment

(upbeat music) - Welcome to the Anonymous Podcast, 2025 just for today series. I'm Douglas Hale, your host. Whether you've been rocking with us for a while, you're a new listener, please reach out, interact with us. We have a Facebook page, a podcast number that comes directly to me. We're always looking for readers and/or folks to share on just for today episodes, so let's connect. All right, here we go. This podcast is a commentary and discussion of Narcotics Anonymous Literature. Amen to enrich the recovery experience of those who are on this beautiful journey. This podcast should not replace contact with your sponsor, your involvement with step work, or participation in the fellowship. Please use this podcast as an additional resource toward our collective growth, is addicts and recovery. Again, this podcast does not represent NA. We're not affiliated with NA as a whole. We're simply addicts, he can recovery. Nothing more, and for sure, nothing less. Now let's get started. (upbeat music) - My name is Michelle W. from Cork Island. My clean date is the 14th of February, 2005. I attend meetings online at the Serena 11. This is just for today, November the 20th, Finding Fulfillment. We weren't orientated towards fulfillment. We focused on the emptiness and worthlessness of it all. Basic text, page 86. There were probably hundreds of times in our active addiction when we wish we could become someone else. We may have wished we could trade places with someone who owns a nice car, had a larger home, a better job, a more attractive mate, anything but what we had. So severe was our despair that we could hardly imagine anyone being in worse shape than ourselves. In recovery, we may find we are experiencing a different sort of empty envy. We may continue to compare our insides with others' outsides and feel as though we still don't have enough of anything. We may think everyone from the news member to the oldest old timer sounds better at meetings than we do. We may think that everyone else must be working a better program because they have a better car, a larger home, more money, and so on. The recovery process experienced through our 12 steps will take us from an attitude of envy and low self-esteem to a place of spiritual fulfillment and deep appreciation of what we do have. We find that we would never willingly trade places with another, what we have discovered within ourselves is priceless. Just for today, there is much to be grateful for in my life. I will cherish the spiritual fulfillment I have found in recovery. Thanks for letting me read. - All right, welcome back everyone. It's November 20th, finding fulfillment, hanging out with the squad. I'll ask Stephen to go first, what's up Stephen? - So man, yeah, so finding fulfillment says we may find we're experiencing a different sort of envy. We continue to compare our insides with others' outsides and feel as though we still don't have enough of anything. So like the things that a lot of people wish they had, I was the guy that had those things when I got here. And I found myself in the other place where I didn't feel qualified. Like I had, I didn't use the way some of these people used. I wasn't homeless. I never been incarcerated. So I felt almost disqualified to be in the rooms almost. So that envy comes, it doesn't matter what carries me to that place, but more about the way that I feel. And that's what separates me. And I was always looking for that separation. But then, and then it even carries into that, that place where I was trying to compare my outsides to somebody else's, whatever, the confusion part of that, I guess, is that I was able to move beyond that and get to a place where I was content and to where I wasn't challenged by how well or how poorly somebody else was doing. The focus was solely looking at me. And being kinder to me. And that's all I got. - Thanks, Stephen. What's up, Tori? - Hey, everybody. Yeah, I don't know that I ever knew, like I can identify with Stephen. You know, like I grew up in a house where I was well taken care of, you know, I had certainly everything I needed. And most of what I wanted. And I still, I never knew contentment, ever. And that carried me well into my recovery. You know, it took me a long time to get to a place of contentment and really has only happened recently. And it's interesting because I'm now in a place where I'm like, fuck it, get rid of all this shit. I don't want any of it anymore, you know? And which is, you know, another extreme. But I, you know, I would do the same thing. I would compare my insights to other people's outsides. I would look to the shit, you know, the material stuff to fill the void, make me feel better. And it never, it would never work. And what I really learned, like, and my sponsor has drilled it into me over the years, is that, like, I do a lot of other people's thinking for them. You know, like, I know how you feel. I know what you think. I know all of that. And I would say, you know, will she this and he that? And she would be like, you don't know that. You don't know that. And I had an experience where I was watching these two little kids. And one of the kids was, this was a few years ago, but one of the kids was the child of somebody that I did that with, you know, her life is this beautiful white picket fence thing. And the little kid asked me for something. And I was like, you're gonna have to ask your mom and dad for that, bro. I'm not like, your mom and dad have money they can pay for it. And he said, my mom and dad have credit cards. And I was like, oh my God. But again, you know, just put some shit. Like I don't know shit about anything. I think I know. And what is true for me and always has been is that we were talking about it at the Howell. Like if we all threw our problems in a pot, I would pick mine back up in a fucking heartbeat. And I know that. So like just for today, I am content. But I am so clear that that does not come from any material thing or anybody else. Thanks. - Thanks, Tori. What's up, Eric? - Yeah. Amen. A wise man once said, more money, more problems. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, like it says in the header right there, it's a matter of perspective. You know what I mean? Like, look, it's not black and white. It's not perspective is everything. Like if I'm, you know, completely destitute and I'm unhappy with that, like I get it. You know, but it's certainly a big like, it's just not my nature to be oriented towards fulfillment. You know, like it's always the, you know, so attitude of lack, you know, and like, wasn't gonna say. Also like what Tori just said, I remember the first time I heard that man, my sponsor brother was like, you know, 'cause I was probably complaining. He's like, Eric, I guarantee you if we all, when our problems out on the table, each one of us would pick our own shit back up. And I think I had like 18 months clean or something. And I was not convinced of that at all. I was like, no, I'm pretty sure I trade with just about anyone of you guys here, you know what I mean? But I do know today that like, you know, what I've found is valuable, right? And it's not the material things that bring me the contentment, you know? And they're nice, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, kind of need some of them to live. But when I focus on that, I really, I get in a bad place, man. It's like I just had a relationship end, you know? I'm like, the gratitude piece is instrumental, you know? 'Cause I can sit there and feel sorry for myself or look at this big hole. And you know what I like is like, I heard this thing the other day with a guy was like, you know, it's not, none of it's mine, it's God's, you know? And I'm just trying to take care of it, right? So like, whatever he puts in my life, I'm just supposed to take care of it, man. And be grateful. And it's all good, you know what I mean? It's all good. And if I could keep that attitude, man, I'm like, I'm at a good spot. - Thanks, Eric. So, Patsy. - Hey guys, I can relate to a lot of what everyone said. I too have always had the, I've always had everything that I needed, a lot of what I wanted. I was always, you know, but it was never enough. That was the, like I always, I had the money, the property, the prestige in my career. I had, you know, my parents always gave me everything I wanted, blah, blah, blah, and it was never enough. And I never respected that, you know? I never had a healthy, you know, I don't know what the word I'm trying to say is, but I never appreciated it. A healthy appreciation for what I have. And so today, and you know, still today, still today, I want, I want, I want. When I get, I don't want it. And it's never enough. And so it's a daily thing with me. It's one of, and it's one of my glaring character defects of, you know, not appreciating what I have, not being really, I mean, not truly being grateful for what I have and always wanting more, more, more. And when I get that more, it's not enough. It's not what I wanted. And that is so, you know, I struggle with that in my head every day, and I fucking hate that. I really hate that. So it's something I work on all the time, you know, and I don't know if it's about really about self-esteem. So I have that struggle in my head all the time. Like, you know, I think I am a good person. And I think I deserve all this stuff. But then it's like, I want more. So I work on this daily. It's something that I work on daily. And actually right here recently, my prayers in the morning have been, if I can be okay with what I've got, quit having the envy and the jealousy and that I want more and I don't have enough. And I want the brand new car instead of the, you know, slightly used car. And I want the big brand new camper instead of the little one that's just okay for me. And you know, me and my boyfriend, it's so exhausting. So it's definitely one of the character defects I'm working on today, but I'm also very aware. And I bring it back very quickly to, you know, everyone else has got all their problems too. And, you know, all that, I look at other people a lot. And those people are probably in a shit ton of debt. And I'm not. So, you know, it's just, and are those people really that spiritual or is it just what you're seeing on Facebook? So, you know, I have to really bring it back down to perspective. And, you know, today what's important to me is I have loving relationships with my family. I'm okay right now today. And I have to really bring it back to, you know, just for today. I'm okay just for today and quit obsessing on all the, all the what I don't have or that it's not good enough. Gosh, I just feel like I'm in the hamster and I don't want to be like that. So it's something I struggle with and it's something I try and work on. And the daily, my sponsor keeps telling me, you need to go back to six and seven. You don't need to work on eight and nine. You need to get back to the six and seven. So I don't know. I needed to read this today, honestly. Thanks guys. - Thanks Patsy. What's up Jen? - The one line that really sticks with me in this reading is, you know, when we compare insides with others' outsides. And, you know, I've spent a lot of years doing that and I spent a lot of years wishing I had what others had. And what I've realized and, you know, took me a long time is like, sometimes less is more. You know, I get more enjoyment out of life, man. 'Cause comparison is the thief of joy, man. I do not have any joy when I'm worried about what you have and what I have and how different that is and what that looks like and what's going on at your house and what's going on in my, like, who the fuck cares? Like that's kind of where I'm at in my life today. But I didn't get there easily, you know? It's like, you know, I grew up with this idea of everything looks perfect on the outside then everything will be okay on the inside. We don't talk about that, right? So we can look good and we can play the part. It doesn't make it true and that is utterly exhausting and that is the lack of authenticity and vulnerability. It's like, it took me a long time to learn that the recovery process didn't have anything to do with where I lived or what car I drove or what my job was or like all of those things. And I have all of those things today. I have a house that I live in and a car that I drive that's actually in my name, you know what I mean? Like all the things that I didn't have when I got here. And all that just means I have to spend more money. Really, that's what that means. And so I can enjoy life and write proportion today when I realize that you don't have everything that I want. I don't have everything that you want. I'm okay over here with me. And the 12 steps has really taught me that if I'm really connected with HP, the idea of having more today is not the first thing on my list. When I disconnect from that, I want more of everything and more makes it better. And I don't wanna live in that unmanageability today. And so when my spiritual condition is me and HP against everything else, like against my disease, like I don't have to feel like that today. And in recovery, like my process about how I think about, you know, like things and people and places like totally changes, you know? And I can really come from a place of gratitude and live a life that's worth living without worrying about how you're living your life. Thanks. - Thanks, Jen. Is that Barb and Paul? - Hey, Douglas. I still, you know, jealousy. I just did a six step and jealousy and envy was on there, of course, you know? So I still do this stuff, but I've learned to catch it quicker and stop because whenever I compare myself, I come out the loser. You know, I can remember when Jen and Christine and Paul got 30 years. It's like, oh, I want 30 years, you know? But you guys have taught me that time takes time and not that I don't have to have that instant gratification, you know? And I get glimpses of we all come in different levels. I came in homeless. I stayed in the projects for 10 years. You know, my recovery has been slow integrating even back into society and that's okay. You know, so I don't need to, our spiritual journeys are all different. Paul has a good retirement. I don't, never once have I been jealous. You know, he did the work to get that. We had different journeys, you know? And I'm just happy for my friends today when they have stuff. I can remember when I used to get mad 'cause I had a couple of friends that inherited money. I didn't inherit money, you know? Guess what? My son's not gonna inherit money, you know? So, you know, I've learned that, you know, that I'm a spiritual being having a human experience and that's, I just keep it simple. It's like Eric said, just keep it simple, you know, today. You know, this is my journey, you know? And I don't have to question it and I don't have to be better or less than. I just have to, you know, keep going forward on the spiritual journey, you know, and learn what I need to learn. So, thanks. Hi, I'm Paul. I'm an addict. I, you know, I struggle with finding fulfillment sometimes. It is my nature to find out what isn't, you know what I mean? I'm very good at pointing out what isn't. And then I have to come to meetings. I have to be with you all. I have to do the podcast. I have to do all these things to be reminded by you all of what is, not what isn't. And, 'cause I can give you a whole list of what isn't. Real fast. And, you know, I'm living in a nursing home with all these old fucking people and what the fuck had happened, God? How did we get here? And then I sit here and I sit in a meeting and I go, oh, I'm being taken care of. This is God taking care of me. I'm 65 years old. I've had three strokes and I'm living in a nursing home where they cook three meals a day and I'm safe. I don't see it like that. I see it as a punishment. And that's not what life is. My God doesn't punish. My God loves me and gives me things to get through life. But I don't see it like that all the time. I see things as punishments. And I just, I don't wanna be like, I don't wanna be the grumpy old guy in the nursing home bitching and complaining at everybody. I don't, 'cause we got plenty of those, by the way. I don't need to be that. I need a grateful heart never uses. And look, I used to think that means a grateful heart never uses drugs. But I can do a whole bunch of shit before I get to using drugs. I can use people. I can use hatred. I can use the emotions of bitching and complaining. And the worst thing is to be 65 years old and bitching and complaining about everything. So I don't wanna be that guy either. So that's why I have to keep coming to these meetings, keep being involved in the program because left to my own devices, I'll be the grumpy old guy at the nursing home bitching and complaining about everything. And it's not pretty. I've seen it up close. So thanks. - Thanks, Bob. Thanks, Paul. Is that Francis? - Hey, it's good to be here. It's good to see you guys. That nursing home sounds wonderful. I'm like, sign me up. Like in Florida too? Oh my God. I like this last paragraph, the recovery process experienced through our 12 steps. We'll take us from an attitude of envy and low self-esteem to a place of spiritual fulfillment and deep appreciation for what we do have. And my pursuit of self left me broken. You know, like brought me to narcotics anonymous. You know, like, and I don't know that I really wanted to work the steps. You know, like I got into enough pain that I started to see that as a solution. But you know what? I do have some self-esteem and I am deeply fucking grateful. And I get to learn all the time. I'm super excited about the history of NA. I'm super excited about the present of NA. I'm super excited about the future of narcotics anonymous. You know, like, I'm curious about all kinds of shit. And I, and like my experience just on the day to day, you know what was funny is I'm kind of like in the verge of retirement. And like, what am I gonna do? And so like, I'm being given an opportunity like to start a recovery residence, you know, like a transitional house. You know, I've been leaning on Stephen for advice. And you know, like, like the guy that owns the property, he's like old and loses his phone and shit like that. He might be like Paul or something. And you know, like, so I lose touch with him and then I forget that I'm doing this project. And then Stephen will ask me, hey, how's that project going? And then all of a sudden I'll hear from that guy. And I'm like, this is right, like Stephen pushing me. It's always right on time. You know, like, I have resources. What I'm saying is I have resources around me all the time. All I have to do is be willing to engage in those resources. And I find that in narcotics anonymous. And like, and through a higher power that loves me. You know, like, I have a great life. I have a little dog that wakes me up and licks my face. It's like, time to get up, bitch. We got a pee. You know, like, you need to go pick up my poop. You know, like, this is our time. You better get busy. You know, like, what a great way to wake up. Little beady eyes looking at you. You know, like I go went off to my home group this morning, 6.30 in the morning, super engaging book study. You know, like, this is my third book study today. And I have one more to go out of the treatment center. And I'm like, man, what a great life it is. Like, to be not in the pursuit of self, but like to to be able to give back to this fellowship that gave so freely to me. Thank you. - All right, thanks, Francis. I was waiting for, I was waiting for a music sample. And you started in, dude, I was ready for it. I thought. - Oh, we, oh, we, oh. - Yeah, there's nowhere we were going without. But I have two thoughts on this, on this reader. Two, man, one is sometimes for me, like, like tapping into fulfillment and contentment or acceptance, you know, all that wrapped up. It could be like a matter of like perspective and also like setting some things up in my day-to-day to make me tap into that. Like the matter of perspective is, used to get high with my analog. She lived in a project and my, and where I came up at, it was like the place I was staying was between the projects in the basketball court. So it was up there again, high with her. A lot, man, and it roaches everywhere. And that was, always get high there. You could always drink there. And then you could always, you know, if you want to throw some money down on the two roaches running across the floor or the wall or something like that, you could see which one was faster. And so at the home group this past week, there was a roach in the coffee pot. You know, when we went to set up the roach in the coffee pot, the bug, not the, a little bit of weed or something. And if I can, some people flipping out. - Fuck, I ain't drinking the coffee. - No, wash it, I don't get it. And then there's a couple of us that just, all right. Okay, there it is, you know, it's all right. They don't eat much, you know, whatever. And it's like, well, look, I could focus on how fucked up and wild this is, or I could look and say, "Hey, look, man, life's a lot different now." And it's okay. Like things just become kind of right-sides in that. The other piece is what helps me stay in my lane is if I have built-in mechanisms to get me in touch with some gratitude. Like, so a few months ago, I started this journey on doing the 10 step at night from the, from the, living the program IP. And one of the questions right there, what has God given me to be grateful for today? Boom, that's every day, man. Haven't missed a day that I get to reflect on that before I go to sleep. And that's cool. Also at 12.15 every day, man. And that's something that kicking in with my homies. And we were like, yo, somebody had a 12.15 thing, talk to us about it. I set my alarm, haven't missed a day. At 12.15, I get to talk about to myself, hey, here's some things that I'm grateful for today. In the last couple of days, and then we'll wrap this up, 'cause this is going into a long, like my body hurts, man. Like my fucking body hurts. My shoulder sore, my back. And yoga, my back, a muscle in my back, dorm fucking yoga. Like it's, I just don't know how that stuff happens. But anyhow, so fucking in pain, I'm hurting a little bit. 12.15 goes off though. I get to say, God, I'm grateful that I have a body that's capable of doing some exercise. There's a difference there. It's a building mechanism. 12.15, the alarm goes off. I get to see, instead of bitching that I'm in pain, I get to say, look, man, I'm grateful for a body that I'm able to do that. And I can do that in a lot of areas of my life. And that helps me tap into fulfillment. (upbeat music) All right, thank you all again for spending your time with us today on the anonymous podcast. I encourage you all to focus on that magic six-letter word, others, as we go out into the world. Help somebody. Find somebody, help somebody. Add to the world. Until next time, I'm your host, Douglas L. Namaste and God bless.