Speaker 1At Harmony Bank, we believe that better happens together. We're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success. Our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions. No big bank bureaucracy, just a custom approach to help you thrive. From business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs, Harmony Bank provides a secure, modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality. We're Harmony Bank, where better happens together. Hello and welcome to the How Not To
Speaker 2Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 67 and I'm actually really excited about getting into the nitty gritty of this because today we're talking juggling work and parenting. And it's this all about the very work that we do. So, this isn't kind of like made up stuff. It's genuine, real challenges that we face as parents when we are managing any form of work commitment with our responsibilities as parents. Now, this might be paid or unpaid work. It might be full or part-time. We might be caring for someone, volunteering, studying or being a stay-at-home parent, as well as a whole multitude of other things that I've not managed to mention. It's all work. And I guess it's called the juggle because, if you're anything like me, you probably feel as though you have multiple balls in the air or you're trying to spin multiple plates. And what you're trying to do is desperately keep these things in the air rather than having them crushing down spectacularly on the floor around you. And the data isn't great, if I'm honest, about how we feel as parents that we're doing. And I think when we are fully committed in one zone or one area of our lives, we often feel we're neglecting the other and vice versa. So, we tend to find ourselves in a situation where we're not doing the right thing. So, we tend to find ourselves constantly flitting between the two, three, four, whatever, multiple roles that we're juggling and never quite feeling we get anything right. Now, whilst my children are older, my 22-year-old has started his full-time career and my daughter is starting her second year of university, I still feel this juggle as I try to be present for them when they need me, be present for my clients, my husband, my friends, my mother, who's in a care home. And if I'm honest, I have periods of time when I feel like I'm really able to sort of compartmentalise things and crack on without guilt and do a semi-decent job of keeping all the balls in the plate spinning. And then there are other times where I just feel overwhelmed, sometimes resentful that everyone wants a slice of me. And then I'm guilty, I feel like that, and then I want to run away and all sorts. It's a very, very real challenge. So it's not, I don't think it ever kind of gets any massively better. I think it's just we have different periods of time. So I'm sure a lot of people sort of think, oh gosh, when my children are older, it'd be so much easier. It's just different. The challenge is what they need you for, what they need you to be present for, how often they need you present is just different than when you've got a tiny baby who is, it's all about sleep deprivation, potty training, and all of these things and feeding. And then you've got those that are at school. The challenge is that when you've got a tiny baby, the challenges are just different. But the juggle, the stress, the guilt is the same across all ages. And new data from multiple sources demonstrates working parents are concerned not only about their children, but they're struggling with work life and taking, quite often taking steps back in their careers. And they're also particularly stressed about global and national issues. 45% of parents feel burnt out. I mean, that is just a crazy number. So if you look at your group of friends and however many of those are parents, half of you pretty much are feeling that they are massively burnt out. And I think it's this notion that we take on multiple roles and actually taking on, that doesn't sound right because it suggests that we volunteer for them. But actually we have multiple roles. We're parents, we're friends, we're brothers and sisters, we're husband and wives. We're partners, we're colleagues, we're managers, we're athletes, we're whatever it is that we are, chauffeur, chef, shopper, cook, pharmacist. You know, all of these roles that we have. And I think it's often the transition and the switch between one and another which actually creates the stress. Because I'm guessing when we're in full work mode and we're full in that specific role or this full parent role, we can really be engaged and present. But it's the fact that we, so often in our days, have to switch and flip between the two, three, four, five roles that we have multiple times. You can have a stressful conversation at work. You have to flip from that, that switch, to then managing a child having an emotional tantrum, for example. Or getting back from a long commute, we have to switch and flick into being super playful, fun parent. I think it's these switches that often kind of create a lot of the additional stress. And before we, let me start on my usual top five tips and my top strategies. I think it's really important to emphasise that no parent ever gets this right all of the time. Ever. I mean it. I don't care how much money you have, how much support you have in place, it is impossible to be an individual in your own right, which we all are, and a parent. Let alone adding anything else, whether that's studying, volunteering, working. So we have to reframe all of this in context. If we can feel we are getting the whole parenting and our work commitments right, say 20% of the time, two out of 10, then great. Now if you are finding 20% is super easy, try 25%. One in four. And then stay happy with this. 100% is unattainable in my view. And if you're listening and you have it sorted, please get in touch. Because I'd love to have you on the podcast so you can tell us your magic trick. And if you think you know someone who is getting this right 100% of the time, I can almost guarantee you that they're not. But they're doing a great job at looking like they do. And imagine what everyone else is saying about how together you are. So let's cut this notion. Let's cut the rubbish of us believing that other people seem to have got it right and we're the only ones that are finding this difficult. Because let's go back to that data. 45% of parents, feel burnt out. So every other parent that you bump into is feeling burnt out and really struggling with this. Okay? So lecture over. Let's get started with my top five tips. So number one is we need to get better at asking for help. Sorry, but I think that this is a really, really key one. And I'm maybe, please write in, feel free to tell me that I'm wrong. But I'm guessing the getting better at asking for help is probably the one that women do less well than men. I'm very happy to be wrong. So please do write in if you think it's the other way around. But I genuinely think that women, mothers are not very good at asking for help because in some way, we think that we are failing by asking for help. We can't possibly ask that other parent to drop off our child at school or pick up our child or maybe hold onto them for an hour because we've got a really important meeting or take them to an afterschool activity or, you know, or have them for a few hours because we've had an awful night's sleep because they've been crying all night and we just need to catch up on sleep. Whatever it is, you've got to get better at asking for help. There are, we're all in this together as parents. Let's be that kind of tribe that helps raise these kids because you, if you're listening to this podcast, you would help another parent if they asked you for help. So why won't you ask that? So we need to get better asking for help. And that's not just asking other parents. That's asking our partners. We are in this together as parents. It is not down to one parent over another parent to be doing everything. Even if your child does the whole, I want mummy to take me or I want daddy to take me or whatever it might be, we need to get better at that division of labour. And actually, and a lot of that is really around demands. It's not necessarily about saying, right, we're going to share everything 50-50. But it's about looking at your week ahead. You know, I've got a really stressful week. I've got demands on me in X, Y and Z. And whilst I would ordinarily do this, that's part of what I normally do. This week, this coming week is going to be really difficult. Who can I enlist? Who can I ask to help me in that? So we must, must get better asking for help. The first place we need to start asking for help is making sure that we're asking for help as we're co-parenting, whether that's co-parenting at home, living under the same roof, or whether we're co-parenting amicably with a partner that we're no longer with. So that's the first place. And then ask friends, family. We need to get better asking for help. And sometimes even looking into additional sort of after-school care at school itself or breakfast clubs and other things or extending hours that our children are at nursery. Our children are not going to be psychologically damaged by us asking and enlisting for help. Our children, are not going to end up up being screwed up or have mental health issues if they are going to a childminder, if they're going to a friend, if they're going to their grandparents, if they're going to an auntie, uncle or a really great babysitter. We need to lose this notion that we need to be ever-present. When we are present we need to be fully present but if we have work commitments and we have things that we need to juggle and others are able to have that additional support for us then we need to get better at asking. Okay so that's the first one and it's a really crucial one and if this is not sitting comfortably with you I would ask you to reflect on why. Why is that not feeling comfortable? Why are you not able to ask your partner? Why are you not able to ask other people for help? And what does that say about the narrative that you have in your own mind, your own internal chatter of what it means to be a good parent? Apologies if that seemed like a lecture but I think it's a really important thing and if you find it difficult practice. It doesn't have to be that you'll have to ask for help for huge chunks of time but get practice in small amounts of time or form a bit of a collective of other parents who are equally juggling things where you might say do you know what I'll take all of the kids on a Monday and then you guys can all have Monday that you can get stuff cleared in terms of workload and other commitments. How about you have them Wednesday and how about you have them Friday? Just something where you're able to find others who are feeling equally overwhelmed, remember 45% every other parent is feeling burnt out. So whether we can do that collective so we can work together and help. So that's number one. Number two is manage your expectations. Really reflect on what you're expecting not only of yourself but other people but what you're expecting to be able to achieve. Is it reasonable? Where does this benchmark come from? Why am I expecting myself to do x y and z and it's impossible. If you've got a full-time job, please don't set an expectation that you're going to make every single meal that your children eat from scratch from the moment that you get in and you're also going to source everything and you're also going to be there to do all of their bedtimes and you're then going to read bedtime stories and you're going to go to every school event. Whatever it might be, manage those expectations because that's what often leads to a lot of the guilt because we feel that we're not able to be fully present and a lot of it is just about actually have I set myself up to fail? Have I expected myself to be able to do a whole host of things that I'm actually just never going to deliver on? Now this isn't about cutting corners or not being a fully present parent or not doing all of the right things but it's being real about what is actually possible. So I think we need to be really mindful of our expectations and that can fluctuate. There are some weeks that we're going to have where we're maybe not being pulled in as many different directions and a lot of things that matter to us we're able to be present and we're able to do but we just need to be mindful that we're not setting ourselves up with this I will always pick up my child from school, from nursery, from childminder, whatever it might be. I will always put my children to bed. I will always cook from scratch. I will always do this volunteer for things. Whatever it might be, I think we just need to avoid these sweeping generalisations and setting a benchmark for ourselves that is unachievable and unattainable and I also think we need to manage our expectations of our partner.
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Speaker 2Because part of this is also about being able to manage what we expect from them in terms of do we expect them to be mind readers? Do we expect them to know that they need to be able to do various bits and pieces because we're busy? Why have they not started dinner? Why have they not started? Why are they not taking the initiative and doing X, Y, and Z? We have to accept that not everybody thinks the way that we do. Some of us are uber organised and love to plan and can always anticipate the next issue, can read what's bubbling with our child, and we can anticipate that there's about to be a huge explosion so we know how to divert. But we shouldn't expect other people to always be on the same sheet as us or understand it in the same way. We have to communicate. So it's also about managing our expectations of our partner when we're co-parenting, in any form, whether we're co-parenting at home, together, in a loving relationship, or whether our relationship has broken down and we're co-parenting amicably or not amicably, is people can't read minds. We need to communicate. We need to say, I'm really struggling at the moment because I feel like I'm having to do X, Y, and Z. I'm having to anticipate. I don't feel that you're always understanding of the challenges. You're able to step up to what the children need in various moments. So you communicate that by managing those expectations. So that's really crucial and really crucial to our sanity. So the first one is about get better at asking for help. The second is about managing our expectations. The third is about scheduling time off. And this goes beyond self-care. So you know, if you've been listening to me long enough now or been in my world, you'll know I'm a. huge advocate of self-care. And it's this notion that self-care is childcare. When we take care of ourselves, we're better present to be for our children to be there. So scheduling time off is not just about self-care, but actually around decompression time. We've talked about this idea that quite often a lot of the stresses are when we're having to switch from one thing to the next, from something particularly stressful that we've been juggling, to then being this playful parent, or, you know, we're having a lot of fun with our kids, or we've had a particularly difficult conversation, to then being able to manage a child having an emotional meltdown. So by making sure that we schedule some time off, it's about making sure that we can then decompress and then recharge our own batteries. And taking time off doesn't necessarily have to be blocking out an entire day or an entire afternoon or morning or whatever it is. But I do think it is about making sure that we schedule time that is for us. So when we're talking about scheduling time off, please don't get sucked into this notion that we often do of, when the children are older and they're able to do this, when this happens, I will then do that. What you have to do when we're talking scheduling time off is actually schedule the time off. Block it out in the diary. Between this time and this time on these days, or on the weekend on this day, I am unavailable. I'm doing this, I'm doing that, whatever it might be. And if that scheduling time is not available, then I'm not able to do that. So if scheduling that time off is not protected at home, as in you can't sort of say, you know, I don't know, between 7 and 8am in the morning, I'm just having my time, then remove yourself from the house if you're able to. I mean, clearly if you're a single parent, that's not going to necessarily be possible between 7, 8am. But it will be possible at another period of time because you've got better at asking for help. It's really making sure that you prioritise the scheduling the time off. And in my view, that's the first thing that you've got to do. And that's the first thing that you block out before you start looking at additional things that you do with the children, or additional things that you might do with your friends or your partner, or together as a family. You have to protect that time off for you. Because if you don't, you will reach burnout. Because if 45% of parents feel burnt out already, it's probably because they're not scheduling any time off. They're transitioning from one role as an employee or as an employer into being a parent, into being a partner. Into being a carer, into being a shopper, into being a cook, a chauffeur, all of these other things. So we need to be scheduling that time off. And we need to be blocking it out. And we need to be considering, how will I make sure that I really am able to switch off? Is going for a walk in the countryside some way that really helps you switch off? Is going to see a film with friends a really great way for you to switch off? Is going to a coffee shop and just sitting reading a book? Your way of switching off. Or having a conversation with a friend. Whatever the scheduling that time off that allows you to recharge is, prioritise it and book it in. And I can guarantee you, you will be a more effective parent as a result of it. You will be more present when you're there. And you will also get more achieved. You'll be more efficient, more productive because you've taken care of yourself and you've given yourself that time to recharge. And I actually find. when we schedule in a bit of sort of mindful time or daydreaming or staring out of the window or just wandering around aimlessly it's often where we get those sort of insightful moments where we think ah that would be a really good solution to the challenge that I'm having with my three-year-old at the moment who keeps coming into our bed or my eight-year-old who won't get started on their homework or my 11-year-old who's being fussy about their eating whatever that might be scheduling that time to just be helps us recharge but often create means that the byproduct of that is that we're much more productive we feel more energized and we can be much more creative in our own problem solving so first is get better at asking for help the second is about managing our expectations the third is about scheduling time off the fourth is plan we need to do some planning now I don't want us to get caught up in the my new shy and overly plan which you know some of you may well be listening and you love planning great you know enjoy it go ahead I love planning myself I'm a great planner it gives me great wonderful fantastic pleasure but at least have some form of plans so family film nights potentially as a way of connecting everybody and also helping that sense of connection with everybody but also it has a small element of that recharge because you're able to be present with your children to be there together but also not have to be racing around maybe plan in the do not disturb work days and times if you're working from home how do you plan to ensure that you've got certain periods of time or certain days or certain hours in the day when you are not being disturbed rather than trying to deal with that on the hoof and off the cuff put a big sheet of paper in your pocket and put it in your pocket and put it in your pocket and put it in your pocket up that you've talked to your children about and about certain periods of time that as a parent you're unavailable it's that kind of thing making sure that you plan child care make sure that you're planning when you're you know the people that are going to be asking for help make sure that you're planning together with all the parties that are relevant specifically for looking after your children and that's where I've talked about this before but I really love the Sunday planning you know on the Sunday family meetings it's not some big formal meeting it's not some big formal meeting it's not a major meeting where you've got to have minutes and an agenda but it's really an opportunity for first of all for you and your partner if you're co-parenting to check in with each other what is coming up in our weeks this coming week so you do it on a Sunday what's coming up this week where are the pinch points going to be where are the challenges going to be have we got help in place do we need to go and ask for help how can we juggle things where are your do not disturb bits are you going to be away with work for a bit have you got to go into the office how we're going to juggle drop-offs at childminders or nursery or school or grandparents or whatever wherever you're getting that help by doing that first with your other half what you're then able to do when you have the conversation with your children and whatever their age is you're able to communicate to them what's coming up this week is a really busy week for mummy and daddy because of that there's going to be these times where we're not going to be able to when you come back from school you're going to need to get on and do your homework or you're going to need to get on and play or you're going to be staying on an after-school club or so and so is going to be picking you up we can then set those expectations with our children we can have conversations where we're looking after them but we're asking them to not disturb us because we've got something important going on with work we're able to then have a conversation with them about how are you going to entertain yourself because between this time and this time I'm going to be in an important meeting and you cannot disturb me so what are the things that you're going to do and don't just rest with plan a you know if your child says I'm going to watch a particular television program or I'm going to play with my lego or I'm going to do this have that conversation of okay well if you get bored with that what's the next thing you're going to do so that you've got a plan a plan b but planning is so crucial to making things easier you don't have to plan in minutiae detail but it's about having an overall plan if you're conscious that you're doing a lot or you're not doing a lot you want to make sure that you can have specific time that's scheduled have things like film nights or theme nights or or maybe theme days or things that you do at the weekend where you encourage the children to help you with the planning or if you've got older children and I'm not talking about older older but if you've got a seven-year-old an eight-year-old a nine-year-old they're perfectly capable of having a think about what you might do as a family for a chunk of the time at the weekend so you can get everybody involved you don't have to have older older like 13 year olds in order to help plan and look at what the week might look like but planning is crucial and if you can get on board with a family planning meeting and it is a resource that we have got in the resource library so you can get it from there you can download it you can print it off you can try it see how it works but certainly that has been the biggest amount of sanity for me has been that connection with the children on the Sunday the planning looking at my week ahead looking at where the pinch points have been and communicating that so we work collectively so the first tip is about getting better at asking for help the second is managing our expectations the third is about making sure that we schedule time off the fourth is about planning and the fifth is setting boundaries and these boundaries are to do with family and also work if you're trying to manage your expectations you also need to make sure that you set the boundaries for other people if you've gone to all of that detail of the planning you need to make sure that you enlist those boundaries and trust me that those boundaries and you modeling and demonstrating that you have had you have got boundaries create respect within the workplace and also provides a phenomenal role model to your children in terms of them setting boundaries with their friends as well so that boundaries isn't about being a standoff parent or not being present and all of the guilt that comes with it boundaries is about saying I have said that these are the things that are going to happen that these are what the week is going to look like and this is what I need to do to instill and ensure that this happens so don't get sucked into you know your child is suddenly doesn't want to necessarily go to the help that you've managed to organize so that you can have that meeting stick with it the boundary is this is something that I need to do this is what I have organized and we have got other exciting things planned or other things that I'm going to be present for and I'm going to be able to take you to don't waver with those boundaries be clear about what they are be clear about why do it compassionately but making sure that you set those boundaries don't end up sort of putting a line in the sand and then ever presently sort of you know scratching and rubbing it out and putting a new one be really clear with those boundaries because it is helpful for everyone and it's going to be a lot of fun and it's going to be a lot of fun and for everybody because then everybody knows where they stand with that so you need to get better asking for help managing your expectations scheduling time off plan plan plan and set boundaries now my give this week as ever is going to be these top five strategies in a checklist and we're going to have space the idea being you can reflect on where are you with each one of these what do you need to do and I would suggest if you're looking at all of those and maybe you haven't got any one of those in place try and work on just one don't try and do too much you know my my personal view is that's quite often where we go wrong as parents is that we try to take on too much maybe we listen to a podcast maybe we read a book and it's like oh my gosh those ideas are so brilliant and hopefully you think they are um but it's much more about saying to yourself right what's the one thing that I can start and be consistent in doing and once I've got that in place and it's habitual what's the next thing I can add on and then the next thing and then the next thing so you'll have that space in order to be able to do that so you can use the checklist as a reminder but you can practically use it where you annotate and you work out what you're going to be working on first so you head over as usual to my free resource library drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access not only to this week resource but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes including the template that we've created for the Sunday planning meeting so you can download that and use that one as ever if you have enjoyed this episode I would genuinely love it and be so grateful if you could leave a review the reviews are how other families other parents find the podcast now if we've got 45 percent of parents feeling burnt out it would be incredible if we can help other parents find this podcast and maybe find one thing that they can do that can alleviate that feeling of burnout so if you can review this podcast and follow it so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time
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Speaker 3Like offering more benefits. More benefits than you'd get from original Medicare alone. And including dental, vision, and hearing coverage in every plan. And the best part is, every plan has a $0 or low monthly plan premium. Which makes it easier to save, too. Humana is a Medicare Advantage HMO and PPO organization with a Medicare contract. Enrollment in any Humana plan depends on contract renewal.
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