Jordan Jensen wants to Smash her Dad, Bad Acid Trips, & God is a Woman?

- Dude, these women will blow anybody, no offense. (laughing) - It makes me respect women less than you. - Dude, I don't respect women at all, do you? (laughing) So he's grabbing pregnant belly and just walking. - That's gross. - With my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, I can't stand near you, I'll do a clean upper cut. (laughing) - Oh, I talk about the upper cut all the time. Dude, there was a guy last night walking around my house and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his miss. - It was almost like you wanted me to be like, it's good. - And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his miss everywhere and the super goes, that's awesome. And I was like, what the hell? (laughing) They go, you have to be a lesbian. There's no way you can suck a canbell to house and I go, I can do both, it's pretty good. - So then I chased after him and I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody, I was like, this guy's a sociopath. I was like, you know what sociopaths do? They, kids and he looked at me like, don't do this. And I went, hey everybody, this guy, this kid, I don't know who he is. (laughing) That was crazy. - I wish that there were reptiles running the government. I was thinking about that. I wish I still had that back, that belief in the back of my mind. 'Cause right now it's just, Trump, it's just guys. - You know what I mean? It's just a guy on Twitter who watches Kimmel. I'm like, no, I can't have a president watching Kimmel. There's gotta be a puppet master, but I don't think there is. - No, he's just a guy, dude, that's depressing. - You want to believe it's reptiles. - At least Biden was controlled by somebody. I mean, he was there. - Well, he had his dad controlling him, which was nice. - Yeah. - We had Henry Kissinger doing some shit, right? But now it's just this guy. Dude, did you see the video of Trump and Kirk's wife? - No, I haven't seen the video. I've seen the still pictures, but I haven't seen the video. - They're just spray-tans rubbing off on each other. It's a blending of makeup. It's a Sephora mess. (laughing) It's crazy. - Can you pull this up? - Alex McMullen. - I did see it close up. - I specifically wanted to be here because she's a big fan of yours, so she's sitting in-- - Hello. - She's probably let me speak if there's another woman here. - Yeah, that makes sense, that makes sense. - No, no, no. Two wrongs don't make a right choice. - You have to try to explain it for me because they don't understand what I'm saying. You have to be like, I should be like, I should be like, what she's saying is this. - Yeah. - I'm also terrible at the computer, so everyone. - Yeah, so we're gonna wait and see what we're doing. - You're already the wrong image, so. Oh, no, there we go. - Is that what you're looking for? - Yeah, but they really were squishing the tans together quite a lot. - It feels, it feels sexual. That's what people are implying. I actually don't think that. Am I attracted to what I jerk off to this? No. - That's a lot of time. - Can you take her out of there? I probably beat off to it once or twice, but it's not given sexual to me at all. - Yeah, I don't feel like it's sexual. - He is the most unnatural hugging person in the entire world. Like, you can tell she's trying to be like, let's show some level of intimacy and vulnerability. And he's so weird about it. - Oh, man. - He's like giving her hard taps the whole video, like hard back taps. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is not burying in daddy's chest though. I do, I get what she's doing. - I get that feeling. - Okay, no, let's talk about this. So I was watching your stand up special lesson. It's phenomenal. Everybody check it out. It's on Netflix. - Take me with you, watch it. - Take me with you. Yeah, that was a poor plug on my port. Take me with you. It's phenomenal. You talk a lot about wanting to fuck your dad. - Yeah. - We found a picture of him. - I think I have pretty good taste in men. I don't know that I would fuck this guy. - You found him when he's old. - Oh. - Do you have a picture of hot dead? - There's a great distinction. - Can we plug the picture? - I definitely have hot dead. - And if you're okay with it, we would show this on the pod. We don't have to. - Let me send you hot dead, though. - It's a picture. - Yeah, it's please send hot dead. 'Cause I want to support you in this. - I love indulging this idea that you have a hot dead that you would fuck. It's a very fun idea. - Oh, yeah. - But I wouldn't fuck that guy. - You're a hater. - Even if he's not my dad. - You wouldn't fuck that guy? - You're like the golden bachelor right there. - You know what I'm saying? - You're like white guys. So it's eating, it's like-- - You know what? I like white guys, not white girls. That's what it is. - No, he's still kind of-- - Yeah. - See what I'm saying? Okay, this guy's not bad. - No, you don't know. - It's pretty funny, too. - Oh, yeah. - You can show the group. - Oh, hell, yeah. - I don't know what he looks like. - He looks skinny, but he's like-- - That's him with my mom. - He just was mean, it doesn't that-- - Oh, yeah. - Look at this picture. - That's him rugby. - I get it. - Yeah, I get it. - Okay. - Now we're-- - I can't wait that off the screen. I don't want to fucking-- Jesus. - Right. - I'm sorry. my dad dad on the screen. No, I don't like that. I like that. I'm fucking your dad. I don't want to look at a picture of a friggin rivalry. Die. That's his obituary picture. Give me some hot picture and pull that up. That photo of your father that we pull up. If you take me out to Texas, Alex, just you'll probably stop the fuck out of you. Give her your number. That's very true. That photo of your dad that was pulled up from the bitch where he looks so much like the dad in a night's tail. A night's tail. He's ledger one. Yeah, he's ledger one. Like the blind father. Yeah. That's unbelievable. I thought that was what a deep guy refers to the name. Whoa. The type in dad. Why don't I have more photos of him? Because he wasn't a great dad. It seems like that poll needs to review before it sends it. Yes. Yeah. That is my dad. That looks, am I crazy? That looks like him. Yeah. That's not far. Not far. Your dad's better look at this guy. Yeah. Can't you look up like Jack Jensen Facebook? There's no way. I feel like there is a bunch of an existential spirit. I don't want to see how hot he is. No. I love what I'm going to do. He saw those pictures. He was a piece. No, no, no, no. That was in the picture. Yeah. I suck today for it. It also doesn't matter. Like if your dad is ripped and angry with you, he's hot. Also, he was like a horse trainer and he was a carpenter. Everything he did was hot. No, that's it. You get angry and yell. Carpenter lay in wood. I get it. Yeah. Horse trainer, that's sexy. Yeah. I'm trolling the beast. Yeah. And he fucked everyone around me. He was having sex with women constantly so I could hear them enjoying it. Yeah. That's a little wild. Uh-huh. Fucking your mom around you. That seems like it should be done. My mom fucked around me a lot too. Well, I mean, your dad fucking your mom around you. That feels like that's a good thing for a kid to hear, I think, but when your dad is fucking your mom, you're like, quit fucking my mom. When your dad is fucking a woman, you're like, get it. Get it, dad. Yeah. Yeah. When he's fucking your mom, you're like, get out of my mother. Yeah, exactly. We want to help him. That's not what your dad having sex is. I don't think a child is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think a child is like, get it, dad. I mean, I'm thinking eight-year-olds, like, what am I dad? Lay in pipe. Yeah. Making the strangest squeal. I did come later. Yeah. I would just sabotage everything while he was sleeping with these women. I would take their shoes and feed them to my labrador. And I would try and put super glue on their, like, purses and stuff. Oh my god. That's because I saw Matilda with the hat. Super glue dries turns out. It just dries pretty quickly. That never works. Well, Matilda, when Danny DeVito, have you seen that? She put the hat in the hat and he puts it on. We're an insane prank. That was hilarious. You were just mischievous. That was really mischievous. Well, they were fucking my boyfriend. Okay. Now, did you ever talk to your dad about the fact that he was, do you ever mention at least in passing or you're a good-looking guy? Do you ever like try to soft play and see? Oh, of course. I mean, growing up, all of our friends wanted to sleep with him. So he knew. Oh, totally. So I'd be like, Dad, you have to wear pants when my friends are over and stuff. Okay. Did you have a game? Did you ever see him like flirting? Oh my god. Yeah, totally. He had serious game. And he was, he would get really high all the time. So he would just offer my friends weed and then they would get caught. Oh my god. And then they would just be like, you go in the hot pair. That's great. That's great. That's a lethal combination. A lot of weed. Did he fuck any of your friends? No, he fucked one of my sister's friends. I just saw the other day. He was just your younger sister. We were like driving one time and my friend was biking in front of us. And I was like, oh, shit, that's now. And he was like, wow, she's really grown up. I remember that so well. I'm being like, Dad, she's not grown up. She's not grown up. She's not. And it was like her ass. You know, I mean, like she was like driving with a lifted butt. You know what I mean? And I was like, please, please just. Oh, yeah. She's like sitting on the seat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's different to every waitress at every diner. He fucked. And it would be so frustrating because they would come over and be like, hi, Jack. And I'd be like, dude, did you fuck this lady? Also, and it was, yeah, he does rule. Dude, he was awesome. Wait, would you ask him that for real? Yeah. Oh, my God. He would be honest. Yeah. I've walked her. He made me go on dates with her and to tell if a woman was wack or not. He would have women calling. We had a rotary phone because he like wasn't the old shit. And I would hang up on this. I would have to hang up on this woman. I'd have to sit by the phone. And every time she called to hang up on her because she would obsessively call. It was crazy. Oh, he took her strong. Yeah. Yeah. She was so hot. She was super hot. Yeah. But crazy. Crazy obsessed with him. She tried to steal my cat. Wait, how? When she moved, he kicked her out and she took my cat in her car. And I remember him running after her car being like, wait, wait, wait. And I remember seeing in her face. I remember this so well. I must have been like four or five. And I remember seeing her be like, oh my god, he's stopping me to like, take me back. And he just reached into the car, took the cat. I was like, all right, now you can leave. And I was like, yeah, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. It's my pleasure. I was really happy. But yeah, I think women don't talk about it. But I think when you are raised with a not autistic father, which most of people were, I think that and you are a female and your dad holds you on their chest. I think you get really attached to that feeling. And then I think that you try and replace that forever. But I don't think people, did you have a hot dad? Did you have a dad? Yes. Did you have a ripped dad and started to put the mic closer to yourself out? He lifted up. Did he lift you up? He wasn't very affectionate. So it's just like, oh, that's like a guy who lives in my house. Like it wasn't like, like there were no hugs. You didn't sleep at his bed at all? - Never. - I think we've hugged maybe like thrice you. - Oh wow. - Yeah that's what I mean by autistic dad, a lot of people like that. - Unemotional. - I think guys do this also. - What? - You're, do you have a daughter? - No, it's son. - Okay great. (laughing) - No, my son's probably gonna want to blow it. (laughing) - Oh no. - What? - I'm telling you, if you're a normal dad. - Do I blow your dad? - Yeah, yeah. - No, it wasn't a good dad. - If he was better, really. - You said you're gonna be such a good dad. - Yeah, that he's gonna want a wife. - Yeah, suck that thing clean up. - Yeah. (laughing) - If you're doing your job. - If you're gonna get sucked off by a baby. (laughing) - Yeah, he's doing a good job. - He doesn't want to. - Yeah, you know what I mean? - He wants to replace that password with something. - Yeah. (laughing) - With all due respect. - There's no respect. He's talking about me fucking my child. (laughing) - No, I'm not saying you'll fuck your child. I'm just saying she's bringing up a good point. And if you have a parent, you oftentimes gonna fuck them and you have a kid. So, thank you guys want to fuck your moms at all a little? - No, I don't think so, but I do think guys in their partners find quality similar too. - No, I'm fucking out of the team. - I fuck your mom. I never want to fuck my mom. (laughing) But I get why any guy would want to fuck. I would like, yeah, good for you. I think my mom should get great dick. I want that for her. I care about her. I hope that's happening. Her and my dad are still together. - Oh, wow. - That's why he wouldn't fuck his mom. 'Cause he doesn't have a good dick. - I'm a good disappointed. - Then maybe that's done on maybe subconsciously. - You're gonna let her down twice. - Yeah. (laughing) - He can't do that. - Not a doctor. - Not a doctor. (laughing) - Sure he knows what your dick looks like. You're like, we're not gonna fuck. We're never gonna fuck. She's seeing my dad. - But Al's mom hasn't had sex in decades. I can satisfy her. - You're Al's mom. - Yeah, she hasn't fuck in a decade. - Really? - Yeah. - Why? - Since my parents got the divorce, she just gave up. - Really? Is she hot though? - She's cute. - She's cute. - She's cute. - I'll do respect. - Hey, hey. - I don't know. - She's also cool. - We don't do the gay stuff, don't really. Yeah, they don't believe in it. - I mean, sometimes, how old was she when she got the worst? - Probably 30. - Oh, young. - Yeah. - Okay, 'cause sometimes when you get divorced at like 55, you're like, why would I ever go back to? - No, no, no. - I just went to their break up, but I'm like, I don't think I'm ever gonna have sex again. 'Cause that's why, you know what I mean? You're just like, I'm so-- - But apparently, you've been pretty up and down with this guy. - Give me a sh*t, you're mad. - Okay. (laughing) - Where did you really talk about that? - That stuff was fun. - F*cking A, that was right. That was the day after the break up. I'm going there so hot, I'm so mad at all women. I f*cking drop a slur. And it goes online, everybody's freaking out. And I was like, you didn't know how sad I was. Yeah, we just-- - Yeah, but also, when you are, you're like, you're very strong premises. You just gotta let you play and you'll land the plane. I felt like you didn't get to land the plane, but you have these really premises that sound insane. But if I just let you go, it's gonna be a fine thing. - I know. - You're like, I know where she's going. - I know, I know. - You say whatever you want to say, we'll let you land the plane. - A promise. - That's great. - I'm not going down that road again. (laughing) - I'm not f*cking doing that. I had no idea. I mean, I had no idea. It's like, it's like Gilles with the SNL thing. I didn't know if you were quoting, I knew only with the N word, but I didn't know if you were saying, this is a bad person who said this bad word. I didn't know you couldn't say the bad word. I knew I couldn't be like, you are f*cking. But I thought I could be like, they called me a f*cking. - Yeah. That's what I think. (beep) - If you're getting formal, fine with that. (laughing) - For some reason, we're all fine with that. - It's my favorite word. - Yeah, I know. - If I was black, I'd use the N word non. It'd be like a problem. - I know. - I've said this to Alex. I'm like an N word sommelier. Like I know a good one. - Well, it's on a black person says the N word really well. I'm like, that was f*cking good. (laughing) - Yeah, that's good. - I know the N. (laughing) - I was not that good at it to be honest with you. - No, you're not the one. - You're not the one. - You're not around. - He's like, he's got like a white Zinfandel N word. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Fine, yeah. - You'll have it. - You'll have it. - Generic. - I did have a really good one the other day alone in the car. (laughing) - Wait, what's up there? - Like a person who's just the word. - I was like. - I'm asking. - I'm trying to swear a lot. - I'm trying to make sure that she's not getting in trouble again. I'm asking. (laughing) - What are you doing? (laughing) I didn't know. (laughing) - What was it? - Wait, I need a word to say that sounds like. - Chicken. - No, no, no. - Oh, I think chicken's good, chicken's good. Okay. - Is it? - Basically, I was pumping my chicken. - Let's not do chicken, let's not do chicken right now. - I'm going right now, let's not do chicken. - Yeah, okay. - Let's do ninja. - Ninja. - Ninja's great. - No, no, no, no, t-shirt. - Let's do t-shirt. - No, ninja's great. 'Cause he needs his sound right. Anyway, business guy was pumping my gas. And he was this little tiny Mexican guy. And he got done and he stuck his head in the window. And he went, he went, you know, thank you. And then he went, oh no, he goes, thank you. And I rolled up the window and I went, ninja says, thank you. And I, and like, I will say that my friend was in the car and we probably laughed for like a good hour. Ninja said, thank you. (laughing) - Oh, okay. - Sometimes you laugh. - Oh no. - Oh yeah, sometimes there is. - You know, when you're in a vacuum. (laughing) - No. (laughing) - You know. - No malice. - What about a soft day when I'm alone with my dog? Soft day. - Alone, do you think? - Okay, great. - Do you think. - 'Cause sometimes, you know, when she's being good, she's my little ninja. (laughing) - Yeah. - You know? - For her. - What do you think? Well, you're low-do you think, right? - Yeah. - 'Cause you gotta, there has to be some. We can't just be like, that's deleted from your vocabulary. That doesn't work. Like when you're like, it's a two-intrusive thought. - Yeah. - You know, it has to be somehow. - It's bullshit. If you like rap music, I know you sing along to the lyrics. - I know. - I know he sings along to it. I know Maus loves to sing along to it. This guy. (laughing) - I actually don't, but I had a black guy tell me when I was 14, friend of mine. He was like, don't ever do that. - You can't knew your thoughts. - Yeah, I thought I think it, but I got, yeah. - But yeah. - Who doesn't think it? - Who doesn't have a song? If you don't know the lyrics, you're a fucking white boy. - You're going to pause on it when you're alone? - Yeah. - No. - That's crazy. - That's almost more racist. (laughing) - I'm fine. - Yeah, again, we're not going to say that word. (laughing) - I'm fine being racist, that's what you do. - Okay, with that. - Yeah. - The generation. - Oh God bless. - How do you feel about the T-R-A-N and Y word being as bad as the N word now? - It's not as bad as the N word. - You're not saying it. - Interesting. - Please explain it. - Didn't you learn how, didn't it, wasn't it good that black people had the only word that had been completely deleted from the vocabulary? - It's the least we can do for them. - Yeah, but I feel-- - It's the least we can do. - Yeah. - I feel like Trump kind of brought back the T-R word and-- - No, apparently not. - Hey. - I think there's like, I think those are back. - I think the fly-life is trying to fight for it again 'cause they feel like they need to fight for something. - No. - So, no, you can't, the T-R-A-N or not good. As bad now as the N word. - I ain't get the memo. - See, I-- - I hate it. - I don't hate it here. And then Twitter told me a lot. - Oh, it's interesting. - Let me tell you something. We say whatever and say it, we don't care. - I'm not saying it. - There's one word that we don't like. - Let me try to say it. - It's kind of-- - It's self-mute himself. - He's alone and he's telling me to say it. - I'd say, "Trainy." - Whoa, whoa, I'm offended, bro. - Oh, gosh, it's canceled. - Yeah. - You're gonna get dragged, dude. And y'all were never subscribed to me in the first place. - Wait. - Can you say something kind of derogatory about them? - Huh. - Okay, yeah. (all laughing) - Yeah. - I want to be, you know, I want to be on this, I want to be even, me and me. (all laughing) - I can say something derogatory. I just said that when I think of that word, I think of drag queens. And then people thought that I was basically saying that trans people are in drag. Please don't clip that part of me saying that. (all laughing) God. - No, dude, I got you. I got your bag, explain it. We got you. - I said that word is so antiquated that when people say it, I think of drag queens, right? Because it's like such a 1970s terminology. And then they clip there. - They're making fun of people who use the word. - Right, like actually on the right side here. - Goofy, yeah. - It's the corny. - Yeah, the internet. - And yeah. - It's just every human being is on there and not every human being is intelligent. Yeah, it's tough to remember that, but that's the thing. - The best one, 'cause when, as a woman, when you're looking through hate, when you're getting attacked, you know, 'cause they're like stupid, ugly, dumb, not funny, blah, blah, you're reading all those things, you're just looking for the word fat. (all laughing) And one of my best friends sends me a snippet that's like, I think you would like to see this, 'cause it's me and Stavros. And it goes, this is just a fat retard talking to a skinny retard. And I was like, oh my God! (all laughing) I was like, I'm setting this in my background. That's all you're looking for. You're just like, please don't call me fat. Please don't call me fat. - Yeah, 100% - Very easy. - Right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - We've been to that. It's so funny. - We didn't have a set of knock-ass guns. - Oh my God, they call me fat. - For no reason. - It was so funny. - Now I remember being, I remember waking up and being like, why my face looks so puffy? I don't know what that is. And then I was like, I must be in my head. This is not real. And then I did the episode, go home. Three days later, it comes out of everybody's like, what the fuck happened to this guy? (all laughing) What happened? - I don't know. Somehow it's just, I maybe ate some-- - That's a solid stuff. - Are you a fattess? - Yeah, I hate to say fattess. - I mean, the best comment was-- - He was on his parents. - Did Akash eat Andrew? (all laughing) - Something was like, you know, the worst one with somebody's like, I don't know why you guys are being so hard on him. So what he gained a little weight. And I was like, that one hurts. - That's the worst one. - Because they're defending you and they agree. That is worse. - Totally. - Oh, that's brutal. I'm skimming the whole time for it every time. And if I don't get it, I'm like, this is so nice. This is, I'm going places. (all laughing) It's really, really good. It is funny. I didn't realize how much worse the hate comments were for women and tell my wife, guys. I got him ticked out and it's just crazy. They should people are saying it's unhinged. Yeah. I thought it was unhinged for everybody. And it was like, no, that's real. And then you get to switch. You get them doing all these hate comments. And then I've had ones where people saying such inflammatory shit to me. So I DM them. And I'm like, Hey, what's, what did I do to like make you despise me? And then they're like, I want to sex with you. I want to fuck out. Really? I'm not doing that. Like a whore fat whore. I'm like, what? Skinny whore, please. Yeah. It's crazy. It's crazy. Oh, wow. It's just all rooting that just being like, I want you. And then they just are so mean. Dude, everybody online does this thing. If they are attracted to me where they'll be like, for some fucked up reason, I can't figure out why. I'm so crazy. It's so crazy. I'm so crazy. Or they'll be like, dude, I was hitting the head when I was eight and for some reason, I want to fuck through it. I'm like, what is going on? It's unbelievable. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I saw one guy, well, this is one of the most painful one. He was like, I know that I know that you do this whole thing where you try to look unattractive, but I know you're secretly an attractive person. And I was like, I put makeup on every day. I'm trying my absolute hardest. So hard. Yeah. God. All right. I didn't get your picture of your hot dad. Okay. No, I don't know if you sent it. But I'm going to put my phone back. I'll put it up right away. I need to find the hot dad one. Oh, you want it on my phone. You got it. It's a background. Can I search my phone? No. replace happy. He goes in the secret files, put it on my girl, come private. Oh my god, I found a hot one. Oh, yeah. This is his carpenter days. Carpenter days. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember just hotter personally. He was a horse. He just like broke thoroughbreds. We had no money. So he let people. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so he let people Did you ever ride horses show on his cock? I wrote a lot of horse. Yeah, you were you were how long did you ride horses for? We had to sell my horse probably tell it was 12 damn what'd you consider yourself a horse girl? I Was a horse girl recently I got on a horse but Ian was on another horse and I was really scared to be on the horse Because his horse was behind my horse and Ian's mentally challenged And I was really worried that the horse was gonna so I was like maybe I'm not a horse girl But I might be a horse girl if Ian's not on a horse behind my horse, but I got recently I've been like I'm a little I'm a little afraid of They're a little I'm a little scared to them They're huge and I now I have so many from being a kid I was like this is so fun, but as an adult I'm like now I know so many stories that people just falling off and being paralyzed forever and then just getting trampled by a massive cow You know, yeah? First time I wanted a horse. I made that mistake. I was like oh, I see it in all the movies. I just go. Yeah I don't think I thought it was a train horse in a wooden train. That's why I ran. Yeah Actually the best counterpoint I've heard in it. Yeah, I just said I did the stupidest thing. I acknowledge it But yeah, that was I was not fall off. No, no, I stayed miles you in this group. Yeah, also yeah, Jack Jensen They'll just run into tree. They don't care about human beings. They'll just run into trees to get you off their back They'll buck off. It's like it sucks But it is but I would consider myself a horse girl in the sense that when I'm around horses I do the whole like we have a spiritual connection Yeah, which makes you a horse girl. Yeah, I hear you know the horse girl stereotype Yeah, I don't know. This is a thing. Oh, I love educating y'all about this. I love learning about subsections of white women Yeah, I only know there's so many. Yeah, yeah, okay Yeah, there's a ton and the horse girl is one of the more interesting ones. I knew many horsegirls growing up Okay, and they always had sort of like a spiritual sexuality to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Which I literal horse Their horses. Wait, they dress like no, no, no, no, this is a Horsegirl like stereotypically. I've found to be very sexual. They're so sexual. I don't know what breaks young Is that why I they're hymen snaps in half on the horse when they're fucking 10 years old and they bounce, right? And then they they get a little fucking this is real Tattoo of their horse like it says like dynamo on a tram stamp, right? And then they fuck everybody. There's somebody about them getting their vagina slammed over and over by the saddle that makes them very horny And they're mean they bully each other. Yeah Yeah, and they're like kind of they almost have like a masculine nature to them Like they've started off as a kind of a hot thing and then it just got worse and worse It's kind of like they're it's it's just feels aggressive. There's a little bit of Christianity Yeah, yeah, so yeah, I think they're so cursed. I think they're letting the dick in but not having it go You know, yeah, yeah, and I think if you grew up with horses, you're either super rich and we don't know about those But there's also a trashy group, you know what I mean? And I think the trashy group has God and sex you said you're a horse girl Yeah, I would consider myself how much better do you? Trashy, okay, no religion though. So just whore Through and through not no so good and fucking at 14 You know I mean you'd be like in there get the fuck in there. There's no hymen the way is cleared and you said you're so you the OCD You have OCD I've crippling OCD. I mean I've dealt with it through a lot of acid, but oh that helps because my wife is OCD As well I think it manifests differently than yours probably just like the thought repetitive thoughts like intrusive thoughts Yeah, I think and then intrusive thoughts like What if this person this that I love dies? What if I what if I think about them more and that's what's gonna make them die Etc. Or like shit like that. Oh, yeah, that's a rough one. Yeah, that's straight up OCD I have that yeah, that's that's modified. Yeah, did she have gruesome thoughts? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah gruesome thoughts can't stop it and then she's like it's she's like I don't have it about you for some reason But I have it about like that's nice and I'm like well, that's weird Yeah, why are you leaving me out of there? They were me getting stuck She doesn't have any gruesome thoughts about you. No, oh, she does not love you, sir That's really all my gruesome thoughts are about maybe she Do you are you the more are you more in on the relationship than she is what do you mean am I more in love with her? Yeah No, thanks so okay, so then that's what it is because I have that with with guys that are a little bit out on me I'll be like I don't I don't have to if you die Then maybe my life will be better kind of you know what I mean? Okay, like a little bit Maybe I'll be free. Yeah, but I have it with people that like depend on me I'm like what if I slice their throat because they depend on me and they need me and they like oh She depends on me more than I depend on if that I think that's right me I think we probably I might love her more, but she definitely misses me more like when I'm on the road She's like I miss you, and I'm like I'll be she's like do you miss me? And I'm like I would love if you gave me the chance Totally that's what we do is we miss you know, we're lying. Do you know that we don't miss you? We say we miss you. Oh, yeah, we're not we don't this makes you feel much so I said oh I love that I love that when we say I miss you All that means is I want you to tell me that you miss me and we do not miss you. We just want validation It's actually so disturbing that you guys That you think we can go 24 hours and then miss you. We literally want to be like are you fucking somebody right now? Please tell me that you miss me. That's all we're asking are you cheating on me and can you give me validation so that I know that you're not We don't miss you. I would miss you. We have we're busy. We have our whole lives if you don't miss us We don't miss you. There's like a connection between couples. I believe this very strongly. I believe it a little more emo and shit Huh, yeah, I'm more strong so I would think you know We just are worried that you're we're just we just are more um, I don't think my wife has that fear with me I've said this before I would never cheat on you because I love you and also my dick game is trash and would embarrass both of us Yeah, but just because you say that the road is a scary place. We have to get some We have to get the letter home. Yeah, I get it But like there's not that many Miami's for Lauderdale's it's more like you fucking to you know Lincoln Nebraska or whatever do these women will blow Anybody no offense I will fucking host opening for me bombing every show and he's like I was guy head in the bathroom from under your pants I can't what's going on it makes me respect women less than you'll fuck the guy Also, the way women come after me a show a guy will come up to me and be like do you want to fuck and I'm like no And they're like great a woman will come up to me and try and climb into my skin sack and and get on me like fucking Yoda and I'm gonna go on together and Answer it drives me crazy. That was my plan for after this. Yeah, she was gonna me. Yeah, she was she's a huge fan Yeah, and it felt a little sexual do you have a boyfriend? I have a few but she's good. Oh, you're gay Anyway, you're bisexual I could tell you by the way you used to put that microphone close to your fucking Yeah, what kind? You know just like Polly Give me a goddamn label so that I can die. No, I don't like the label. That's the okay That's the only five. Oh, you're 25. Yeah, go fuck yourself 25 years, but another one of our younger friends of the show he recently was bragging to us that he was like Oh, I just I did something awesome high five and a million angels I ate this girl out while she had a yeast infection and he wanted us all to like congratulate him and I just wanted to get your reaction very dangerous for his he can get yeast infection in his mouth Is that true? Yeah, yeah, that babies get yeast infection in their mouths from breastfeeding yeast infect Yeah, totally that's disgusting. I was thinking death penalty, but I just wanted to do that That man needs to be yeah, taking out that woman needs to be taken out for allowing that we all know you do the forehead pound If there's anything you go you know Or you do the pick me thing where you go, "I don't, I'm not really that into that." I just like penetrated of sex. Are you talking about that? You lost. You lost. No, that's what you do if you have a yeast infection, you lie. You go, "I'm not really into you now." Just to get the itch. Well, I've heard it said. It feels actually good. You don't think penetrated of sex on a yeast infection? No, totally fine. I have a whole bit about that in the special. Where they're like, "This is, you're so tight." And you go, "Thanks, it's inflammation." No, you cram it in there, dude. Oh, it helps. We have it in there. I stopped getting these infections. I stopped eating sugar. Wow, cool. How are you talking about that? And so it's working out. That's amazing. Wait, so my vagina feels no longer working. Sure. No sugar fixed these infections. You said acid fixed. OCD. OCD. I'm sorry. She wrote like a handbook on. Yeah, total acid. But the acid is risky because I also almost killed myself. It was a hero of those. And I went into a room and was like, I'm going. Well, I thought that I had to die that day for some reason. Like my. Because I was on the cover of some newspaper for building a house in Ecuador. So I was like, "Oh, I'm supposed to die today." But then I went into the room and I dealt with OCD for six hours. So it is. Were you actually on the cover of a newspaper? It was just like. I built a house in Ecuador when I was like in high school. And the. It's a good journal. Put it up on the. But I saw it. And I was like, "Oh, I'm supposed to die today." What was in OCD? It was an acid thought. That's a thought. That sounds like an acid thought. Big time acid thought. But then I went into a room and I dealt with my OCD. And I figured out that I was like. Because any time somebody would be like, "Do you want to babysit this kid?" And I'd be like, "Yeah, what if I accidentally fuck your kid though?" I'd be driving a car. I'd be like, "I'm going to drive this off the bridge." Right? Just these gruesome thoughts. And then I figured out it's fundamentally because I didn't trust myself at all as a person. And I was like every step of the way I could become Jordan the serial killer, Jordan the kid fucker, Jordan the. I have a. We had a balcony in Miami. Any time I'd hold my little dog on the balcony, I'd be like, "What if I threw this.?" Would you be in like a little? Yeah. And I had to put him down. I couldn't handle it. We'd keep going. And then I guess that. Yeah, I probably don't trust myself. So then. And I realized on acid that you don't have to trust yourself. You're just a compilation of everything that has ever happened to you and who you have become is somebody who doesn't throw a dog off the balcony. So you can just chill. That's fire. I like that. You don't have to be like, "What if I stab this person?" You're like, "How will we if the knife got close to them, I would faint?" Because I'd be like, "You know what I mean? Like, you don't." That's so vagal or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. I got that bad. Yeah. I feel like a damn goat. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just special too. It's fucked up. But that's what I realized on acid. You can just chill. Like, you know before you go on stage, you're like, "What if I bomb?" You're like, "Everything leading up to now has led me not to bomb." Right? Like, I have a compilation of Jordan times going on stage. I probably won't bomb. And if I do, it'll be an outline. You'll be fine. Yeah, totally. Ever since having a kid I've had those bad. Oh, dude. That's what I'd be really scared about having a kid. I'd be scared by having a pregnant belly and just fucked. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. It's right there. Oh. When my friends have a pregnant belly, I'm like, "I can't stand near you. I'll do a clean uppercut." Oh, I think about the uppercut all the time. But sometimes I do. So my guys in a bunch of. Dude, I uppercut a fucking guy's mirror the other day. He was like, "We're all crossing in Manhattan, like a big groove." You know when in Manhattan where you just go fuck it, we're all going. Yeah. Like, I know they have a great night, but fuck them. There's too many of us. And we're all crossing and this guy just kept rolling forward until he kind of like hit his car against me lightly. And was just pushing. So I walked around the side of his window and I looked at him and I was like, "What the fuck?" And he was like, "Fuck you." So then I uppercut his side mirror. And I was so ready for it to like, shatter and be like a spider man thing. And I have like a bloody hand that I then go like that. Right, I was like ready for it, but then the mirror just went. And I was like, "Oh, you got one now." That's good. That's good. Good for a New York to be able to fold your mirror then. Any car, post-night time, dude. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, you should wear the hammer down. Hammer down. Hammer down. Hammer down. But then it was too late. What did he say? Did you just kind of look at your life? He was laughing. He laughed. Did it break the tension in a weird way? No, because I was still so mad. But then I kept walking. I got embarrassed and I sat down to breathe. And this old couple were like, "Are you okay?" And I was like, "Yeah." That was so embarrassing. I shouldn't have done that. And they were like, "No, we're on your side." And they were like 100 years old. I was like, "Thanks." I get in so many altercations. It's so bad. I have to deal with my rage. Wait, like what? Oh my god. I want to know this. Like road rage? Or just a rage rage. So much road rage. I just went to a lot of road rage because they have road rage worse than us. They land the horn. And it's these fucking white girls with Stanley Cups. And you're like, "In New York, we have a conversation with horns. If you lay on your horn, you might get shot." Yeah. Like, I've laid on my horn and gotten a loogie spit on me. And you learn. And you said you go. Right, exactly. But in LA, they just-- And I was driving stick. And I was like, "Bro, I have to put it in the first. You have to give me two seconds." So I would just sit at the red light. I would just sit there and wait for it to turn red again. And go through the green with them just-- It's bad. Wow. I tried to-- I have to try to go outside. I have to try to go outside. You got to chill out. Yeah. You can't do that. No, it's crazy. Um, I tried to get a guy to fight me outside because he was talking some shit. Wait, how did that happen? We were-- me and my friend were at some-- You see how people think you're a lesbian, right? That's how you talk these through. Oh, no. As you're like, "I tried to-- I tried to get a guy to fight me." Oh, no. I overcut this side, you mirror. I want to fight all the time. It's really true. I forget what this guy was saying. He was mad at me because my dog was in a place it wasn't supposed to be. And he was like-- he mumbled something. He was like drinking this beer and he mumbled like stupid bitch or something like that. And I was like, "What did you just say?" And he was like, "What?" And he was all drunk. He was like, "What? What?" And I get mad when people do the mocking thing where they're like, "What do you do?" Yeah. And I was like, "You need to go outside right now." And he's like, "I'm not going outside. I was like, "We need to go outside." And my friend was like, "Dorn, what are you going to do? What is this man? It's huge. I'm going to have to fight him. I'm five foot four. What are we doing here? But yeah, I do trend. He was like trying to go around me. And he was doing that thing. You know when people think they're the protagonist in their movie? Yeah. And he was in a hurry. And he was being like, "Everybody out of my way. I'm in a hurry." And he goes, "Excuse me." And I was like, "Fuck this guy. He can go around me. This is crazy. There's so much room." So he goes, "I said, "Excuse me." And he hits coyote with his luggage. So then I chased after him. And I was slamming him with my luggage, calling him a sociopath. And then I said to everybody. I was like, "This guy's a sociopath." I was like, "You know what sociopaths do? They fuck kids." And he looked at me like, "Don't do this." And I went, "Hey, everybody. This guy fucks kids." [ Laughter ] The moment of him looking into my face, and he was like, "How are you doing? It's me. Don't do this." So that was crazy. His cab driver getting out of the cab because he was trying to get in the cab while I was slamming him. His cab driver had to come out, grab me, and be like, "Stop." And I was like, "Okay." I was like, "You need to stop this." And I was like, "Fuck kids." I was so mad. I was so mad. I was so mad. I get so mad. It's crazy. Is he apologetic that he hit the dog? No. That guy said, "I should be shot in the fucking head." I'm like, "No. I'm like, "Just run into my body." It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. He was in your dog's little. He's like, "How many pounds?" 18. I ain't that big. That's tiny. Mine is eight. So it's like 18. Yeah. Mine is a little bit like -- Wow. You're giving us almost two small to be like on the ground. Dog. He almost gets stepped on. And he wants to walk in all the most crowded. Like, he'll walk to fucking Radio City in Christmas time. It's crazy. He loves all the smells, I guess. Wow. He almost got -- He got stepped on once, I think. Like, some people were just walking in and see him. Oh, yeah. So now we just had to pick him up in a crowd. He can't. Is he a bag dog? Yeah. Nice. My coyote is not a bag dog. Dude. Too heavy. He's going to be a back-to-back dog. Can we get a backpack for her? Yeah. I saw a dog in a back-to-back day with a little sunglasses on. What are we doing? That was good. Why do they wear sunglasses? Why do they do that? Because it's adorable. Yeah. I don't need sunglasses. That's right. I saw a dog on a bike with a helmet. And I was like, I don't think it's a dog. Oh, my God. A little bit of your dog in a concussion. That's awesome. That's awesome. Is that animal-carapractor guy pisses me off? I'm like, all dogs do is stretch and sit correctly all day. Oh, that sounds fucked down. I don't even know what that is. But that guy sounds awesome. You didn't see that guy? Yeah. That's cool. That's cool. I don't know. Jamie, pull it out. I mean, I watch him a lot. I'll say it. It is very satisfying. I don't believe in human carapractors. Yeah. I think that shit is what are you called a boulder dash? It's a quackery. It's a quackery. It's a quackery. It's a snake oil. Yeah. It keeps you coming back. Yeah. I went to a carapwriter for a while and it did nothing. I know. It's a cool person who felt better long-term from a carapractor. Yeah. Maybe it helps some people. Not me. The guy didn't even really crack my neck. Like, getting like an elbow in there, like, come off the turnbuckle. But instead, he just like had like a little gun thing that went like, and like, clicked it in my neck. See, that's bullshit. Yeah. Because that's giving you the simulated crack that you want without actually cracking. Oh my god. Let's see where it is. Shit. Yeah. At least do it. Something, right? Yeah. Have you seen crackers so hot though? That guy. That guy? Yeah. The guys with towels that are like cracking your neck. You're going to kill some. That's the towel thing. Where they yank. That looks good. Yeah. I mean, I'm also. Oh my god. I always, I do like the little space after that. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I know. Dude. What if you just had a limp though? Dude, not the Chihuahua. Dude. Not the fucking Chihuahua. I don't see one where it just pulls up. Oh. Yeah. There's a guy that does it with horses too. Horse car. It's him. It's him. Jordan's dad. It's my dad. This guy does it on everything. He does it on snakes. Jon Anaconda is, I'm like, no way is a snake having bad, you know, arch support. Yeah. Doesn't happen. Also, who cares? Yeah. I don't like when the animal can't be like, hey, please, I'm not really into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that. Yeah. I don't like when people blow weed on their dog's face. I don't like any of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hated that in college. I was driving this. Wasn't that the worst? And then, do my dog got so high in Colorado because she ate a roach and I had to watch her go through all, like, at first, her, her ears were back and she just, like, couldn't even look at me. Like, I was freaking, her, my face was figuring out. And then I watched her be like, actually, actually, I'm fine and she would get up and then I would be like, all right. And she'd be like, so the ball bitch, please. And I threw the ball and it would hit, like, it accidentally hit like a little piece of metal and made a noise. And she was just like, wow, you ran away for like an hour, I was like, I'm not good, I'm not good. Do you feel like your dog knows when you're high? I don't get high. Oh, really? You know, you don't smoke at all. I don't smoke. What did I do the other day, though? Poppers? Nice. Have you got poppers? That was great. That was a gauge, right? It is a gave man gave it to me. But we were in a wedding and I was just being such a, what does it do? It makes you on, so I feel like whippets make you like this where you're like, boo, you're like that. But poppers make you a little bit on Molly for a second. Okay. Like it was dancing. Okay. Well, I just like, sniff it out of a jar. Yeah. I see. It seems wild. But then I dropped the cap and I got lost. I was lost. And then my friend was like, you can't be this person. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. The grass was crazy. But I guess if Gage does do it, it's probably good. Like I trust any Gage. No, it fucks your brain. Really? Yeah. It also opens your asshole. Yeah, it loosens your muscle. So I just looked at it. That's what I thought. Yeah. Some Gage shit. Maybe that's why it makes you dancey because you're like, I'm getting much sleep. You just kind of leave me with it. I did do poppers, then remembered that I had a dog and started to panic a little bit. You ever do drugs and you remember that you're responsible? You could take care of something. Yeah. Do you do that with your child? Do you smoke weed? No. This guy's been trying to get me do drugs non-stop. And I'm like, you never smoke weed? No. I do. No. I like smoked weed casually for a little bit. Then I got two paranoids side to stop. I smoke kind of paranoid. What breed? Heart going to stop? No. Thinking about planets and then realizing we're all monkeys. And I'm a monkey and everyone. That's a good thought. Yeah, but it's just weird. That's crazy thing to say. I'll write next to you that fell racist. We are. That fell racist. We are big of it. That fell racist. Wait, explain it. I didn't get it. Yeah, we're done. You knew what you were doing. But like, I was just laying there so high. My wife was like, no, you're fine. And I was looking at her. She was like, I was freaking out. Because I was just thinking about planets and shit. And I was just like, why are there even other planets? This is fucking crazy. It's best not to think about space. Yeah. And I was watching things. Yeah. It's the best thing. The fucking. You did the same thing. What do you want drugs? Yeah, it's just not for you then. I don't think about that at all. I think about what if I bit stream my tongue right now? Oh, no. And then I think what if I took my eyelid and just dug my hand in there? Oh, my God. Tell me the way. Look at me. Dug my hand in there. Grab the eyeball. Pour it out. And then when it was just the cord went. Oh. Yeah, that's what I think about. Hi, people. You was moving with my dog. I'd like to keep my skin. Thank you. Yeah. All right, guys. It's amazing if I thought about that. Until you're like, dude, why is it even there? Or what planet are we on? Like, what if we just get exploded? Like, we can just eviscerate any second. Oh, no. We're going to get exploded. Like, it's something. And then I was like, what? We're not even on this planet. Like, as humans, we're actually just like, like, like, my wife's like petting my head. I'm like, oh, you're just like the nature show. This is literally just a year. Isn't that refreshing? This is from weed. Yeah. You're such a bitch. No, no, no, no. So I'm a bitch. This guy. Yeah. What kind of, how did you do it? Edible. No, it wasn't even. It was just a joint. But my friend's weed is too strong. Yeah. I miss the dad weed. I used to steal shake from my dad and it was the best. Yeah. Like, where, how can we get that? My buddy, my, I had a Jamaican friend. I was like, how did you make him smoke all these? Like, oh, the weed we smoke is shitty. Oh, my God. I remember being in Jamaica. My dad buying so much weed and just rolling it up into a paper bag. Because it was so shitty shake that he was like, I have to do this in order to get high. Yeah. That's what I want. Yeah. We get Jamaican. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And now they're selling it. Like, people are going back. The pendulum's shifted. Okay. Now they sell like legit Reggie. Like they call it Reggie. Like, yeah, this is not too strong. Oh, I could do that. Right. I can't do this. That. Let's do. It's gotten too much. Can we get some right now? Yeah, where do you get that? I would just go to the dispenser. You can get the good stuff. No. No. It's too strong. She care when you're a girl. Yeah. Really. Yeah. Because I laugh a lot and they can tell. It's more for personal. I mean, are you a dumb person? When I'm high? No. I mean, like, if we did like, like, honestly, yeah. That's a good question. If you can just get fucked up on weed and just come in and talk to people, does that mean you're just stupid? Yeah. Because you're not overthinking. Don't say chill. I'm being, I'm being scientific right now. Sure. You don't have a share. Yeah. Don't miss shit. It's a scientific. Like, do you walk in here? And you look at people and you're like, whoa, I'm high. And you don't have a fear of like, what if I just fucking took the cables out through everything? What if they? What if my heart stops? What if I have too much mercy now? Because you're intelligent. That's because you have OCD. All these things are described. But when I dated a guy and he could get so fucking high and I was like, I think it's, I mean, he did also like take a shirt off teed soup and stuff. And I was like, what's the name of that shirt? - That makes sense. - That makes sense. - Isn't that crazy? - The guy has been scorned. - I remember coming in and he was wearing only his boxers and I was like, "Where did your clothes go?" And he was like, "I'm eating red soup." - Tomato soup. Call it tomato soup. What do you think? But he can get so high. One time, I ate one of his 25 milligram edibles because I thought it was just candy. he was brutal. That's, that's, that's rough. That's, that's, that's, that was too much. And what happened to you then? I had to, well, honestly, I had to, I was so high that I almost got stupid, which was kind of nice. Yeah. Like, you got to get to stupid town. Yeah. Yeah. So I walked through the park. I remember having a mental breakdown because I was sitting I was like, I'm, this guy's house is here and I'm like, visiting his house. This is like his house. And I'm like sitting at his house on his porch. He's the only one. Yeah, it was very weird. And then I was all freaked out that that guy lived there. And he had like a mattress. And I was like, I could easily become that guy. But my brain is still going there. But you're just like, you just walk in here. I guess I could become that guy and I wouldn't mind. It's like, that's a, that's a future problem. So she's still. What about if I say that we're just schizophrenia? If you're high. Yes. A freak out? I think. Do anything for you? I'm more up to the voices. Like, I'm just like, okay, yeah, they're telling me to do so. Yeah, see, your dumb ass shit, dude. I love you so much, but I think you might be dumb ass shit. If you're not worried at all about, if I say schizophrenia to a high person, they should literally shut down and fake. Yeah, that's another big fear. Like, I'm afraid that I'm going to like be permanently like this or that I'll be stupider into perpetuity. But like, I'll come out of this highness and be like, oh, I'm dumber. And then if I forget something the next day, it's like, 'cause I smoke. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. When I say schizophrenia on stage, the whole room goes, like, everybody's afraid of that. So then you smoke weed and it's like, oh, my God, that's the thing. And then you start, you hear the pipes in the house and you're like, that's a guy. If anything, it's the opposite that I do it every day, that by 9 p.m., I need to get out of that sober. Oh, you're a drug addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. It's like, you're not a retarget. Okay, you're not a retarget. It's like that. If he stops smoking weed, the voice of anxiety is the suicide. The anxiety was it. Okay. So you have to be high all the time. It's better. Really. I'm very jealous of girls that smoke weed. I'm really intimidated by it. Our life is already so hard and we think so much. So the idea that you can just be like a cool, high girl. I want to kill you. I mean, it's better than being a girl who's like, oh, I just drink beer. It's just easier. Yeah. Beer girl is gross. But you're like stimulus. So you're like a little nicotine, little caffeine. Nicotine caffeine. I was addicted to coke at the foot, Adderall. This track. Yeah. I like Xanax Adderall. Xanax Adderall. I don't do it anymore, but that's what I like. A lot of coke. And then take a big bar of Xana at night. Oh, what are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? A little con. A little con. A little con. A little con. Wait, so that just cuts it? Like. You go to sleep, wake up, do it again. I'm like, guys. How much clonipin are you taking? I've taken clonipin to help me sleep. Like a half a milligram or something. Like a very low dose. The clonipin is like, when I go to Mexico, you know, you go to Mexico to loom or something, you buy clonipin at the pharmacy. And I would be like, this is just for panic attacks. But then I just run through it. Every time I'm on a plane, I'm like, I might be panicking. You're panicking all the time. Fucking chills you out. But it's too addictive for me. I just am an addict. Yeah. All right. That's why I had to cut out sugar entirely because I can't stop. Are you miserable? Was that sugar? No, the dog. I have a dog. I get outside. I work out. I can do something. Yeah, miserable. Yeah. I have to do the social part. Because I've tried to cut out sugar in a million different ways. And then one friend's like, dude, let's just get ice cream. I'm like, all right. I know the ice cream people are giving me ice cream. I got ice cream last week. Yeah. There's also something you gotta give us. Great food in New York. Great sugar food in New York. I know. I know. I'm starting to introduce like cheat days. But for the most part, you have to just, you just suffer. You know what I do is I don't socialize. I get up. I go to the park. I work out. I do a podcast. I go to the seller. And then I leave before everybody sits down. And I'm going to contribute to your breakup. Well, I think this was post breakup. Oh. So this is, oh, this is relatively new. No, no, you shouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I started it during the breakup. I can't deal with the small itch in the vagina. If you guys I always knew what the small itch felt like. - You don't even have to-- - It's so bad. - It's so bad. - I don't even have a full yeast infection, but you'll stop eating sugar if you have a tiny itch that nothing can solve. - That the laundry schedule is based on what pants I can wear. - Oh my God, and you have to buy all the cotton underwear. You can't wear a fucking any type of-- - I love under-women having these. - Oh my God, what does this mean? - What does this mean? - You either are a UTI girl or your yeast girl. UTI girls is dangerous because you can get kidney infections, which does suck. I got a UTI once when I was a ruffer and I was dating a guy who's also a ruffer and he kept fingering me with roofing dust. And that gave me a UTI brutal. 'Cause you have to piss every four seconds. - Yeah. - So that's like my best friend's UTI girl, I'm a yeast girl. - But you wouldn't just tell him to get wash your hands like-- - We did, I was dirty too. We were all dirty. We would come home with just eyes and teeth showing 'cause there was so much dust. - Yeah, I'm burning man, it's so funny. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, or your yeast girl. - Yeah, I'm a yeast girl. - And the yeast girl thing is like, it's all up to me. - But if you can't, like, Oh, who can't, I didn't have a name. - Fluconazole, you take it, ruins your mind. - Fluconazole, you can't take it so much, 'cause then it makes it worse. You know that? - Yes. - No, I fucking-- - Maybe I should stop eating sugar. - So I went to chat GBT, I was like, bro, you gotta help me. I get sick every weekend at meet and greets and I have a chronic yeast infection. He goes, you gotta stop eating sugar. And then I did it and everything got better. - Wow. - Yeah, it's just like, what I'd rather like the image that you could eat, man. - Infections are never have a crunch bar, like both are bad. - Yeah, you can have a crunch bar. - Here's what you can do, blueberries. And then once you wipe it out, I had ice cream and I didn't get a yeast infection. So once you wipe it out, you gotta wipe it out. You gotta wipe it out, 'cause it's a guy. And I bet you have brain fog all the time from it, because it's-- - It looks like a weed. - You're smoking weed. - Yeah. Oh, you can't smoke weed and quit sugar. How would you do that? - Yeah, how would I do that? - Yeah, it's literally impossible. - Yeah, it's hard to balance all that. - I think you'll do it, 'cause when I was your age, I just flocked through the yeast infection. I just slammed it and got a fucking raw bad boons ass for a pussy. - Have you ever had them call you and be like, hey, I got a yeast infection from you? - No. - Okay. - Can you guys get it? - Yeah. Sometimes it feels a little bad. And you're just like, all right, not my problem. - Well, then you switch it. What I do is I go, did you give me a STD? - Right. - And they go, no, no, that's what you do. - That's a crap. - Yeah. - You're a soci, that's the point. - The last thing I'm gonna say is I have yeast infection. Even if they have one, they'll never say it. So you just be like, I don't know what you have, who'd you fuck? - What does it mean? - For a guy to get a yeast infection. - Where does he get a yeast infection? - He's gay. - He's a gay. - He's a gay. - He's a gay. - He's a gay. - He's a fucking vagina. - He's a gay. - He's a dick and balls. - Unbelievable. - Um, but yeah, you gotta wipe it out. Now it's great. Imagine how, my vagina feels normal. - No, I'm really, could you imagine? - I can't. - It's great. - It gets smaller too. - Oh. - It's not swollen. Yeah, it's a small vagina now. - Oh, great. - Like it fits in the underwear. - It fits in the underwear. - Well. - Yeah. - Come on. - It depends. You don't actually know that. - You guys, I haven't been there. - I haven't been there. - You haven't installed it. - No, I haven't. - I haven't installed it in my house. - I haven't used it. - I haven't used it. - Miles came over. I almost broke my bed. - You guys got to have something. You have sweaty balls. - My balls stink. - Why do you stink? - He's sure that with us and I what you do. - Good God. - Why do they stink? - I don't know. New York City summer is something. I'd just been, I'd be shitting and I'm like, what is this? That's me. I need to get shot. - I need to get shot. - I have yeast for balls. - Yeah. - That's worse. - Yeah, that's worse. - Okay. - Here's this worse. - Sure. - I mean, that's better. - You guys shot a lot. You get skin marks a lot. - No. - I have shot it in the past five years, but once maybe. - That's good. - Oh, I almost shot it in a comedy club, dude. - Yeah. - Thank God I'm about to go on stage. Oh no, it was a sharpening in the boxers. Thank God. And this comedy club amazingly had baby wipes. What a fucking godsend. - Oh, wow. - Guys, the guy before me gets the light, the feature act. I think I'm going to fart before I go on stage. And I'm like, what? Gotta run to the bathroom. Luckily there's a bathroom. Not all green rooms have bathrooms. - Yeah. - And then it was wet. The wipe with wetter. But my draws are clean. - How was the set? - That was fine. Now, if I had to go up there. Come on, I'm sitting on the stool that whole hour. - Yeah. - You have to slow it down. - All the cards are different. - You guys are fine. If you have to pee before you get on stage, you do better. - Oh. - I have to pee all the time. But especially if I'm nervous, one sip of water I gotta pee. So it's just like a thing. - Yeah. - But recently I've been like, I'm not going to pee before I go up. Because I always do the anxiety pee before. - Yeah. - But I think you do better. If you pee. If you don't pee. Really, if you hold the pee in. - Really? - I think it helps. Because you're a little like, yay! I get a feet grit and it makes you a little more. You know? Playing those helped. I'm still trying to figure out food or no food before the set. - Oh, always no food. - Yeah, but sometimes you, then you're hungry up there. - Or light food. - Light food. - Yeah. - But you want to look smash. - That's what I would do. That's what I would do with the sugarist. I need a little sugar in government. Now you can do that. - Yeah. - No, because then you crash half what you just said. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's tough. I stop eating like five. - Do you reset the zen? - Oh yeah, yeah. - You reset the zen at the stage? - Yeah. - Like moments before. - Moments before. - Yeah. - Sometimes I'll half way through it. If I get some rough crap. - Yeah, the whole set with the zen. - No, but like when the feature goes up, pop one in and then right before you go. - Oh, I keep it up. - Really? No, because I'm like choke on it and shit. - You want it now? - Yeah. - Oh, impressive. - Thanks. - Yeah, I couldn't help you. - Oh, you. - Thank you. - It's because I have a Simpson's mouth. You can't see it. - Oh, thank you. - Oh, thank you. - You look like a Simpson's girl. I already says it. - Let's pull it out. - Oh, man. - Pull it kind of like to the bus driver. - Oh, no. - You actually looks like on. - Oh, man. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, a little bit. - Maybe he just has a zen in. - Yeah, he just got a lip. - No, I don't know why, but I will fuck that bus driver. - I know. - I get on the bottom. I can't explain it. - I really get it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't have it in me as a kid. I would fuck that bus driver. - Or like people say I look like the girl from Futurama. - Oh. - That's better. - Yeah. - That's better. - Yeah, hot there. I could see that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've also never seen the show. But I feel like you guys carry yourself similarly. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - That's what I call him. - Damn. - That's my dad. That's what my dad looks like. - Wait, but you go zen on stage while you're up there. - Yeah. - Sash. - Oh, yeah. Or Sash. - Sash. - The better one. - Yeah, yeah. It's a new nicotine brand though. It's a friend of the show. - What do I? - Andrews invested in it. - He has to disclose. - Yeah. - Wait, there's Sash. - Sash is a brand that Andrews invested in. He has to disclose it legally. So all this plugs in his behalf because he's not here. - What about the one that Tucker Carlson now has? - Help. - We don't bring that up. Come on, just compare. - We don't know. - He's a direct competitor. - What am I sponsored by Lucy? - Oh. - But anymore. I fired my ad person. - Really? Why? - Because my whole YouTube got taken down because I didn't add for schedule 35, which was mushrooms. And then I'd go online, gone. Whole YouTube. - Wow. - And I'm like, wow. - Wow. - So you've got videos with views too. - Every podcast, my 30 minute special, like so much shit. And it was just gone. And so, yeah. - Were you really good at that? - I got it back. - Okay, got it back. - But it was crazy. And I even double checked. I was like, are we allowed to sell mushrooms? And they were like, yeah, totally do it. So. - Wow. - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - Were they good mushrooms? - They were great. I gave them to my mom and my sister because they desperately need them. But yeah, I did them too. They were good. They're not as good. Fun guy is my guy. He's rules. I met him at a wedding. And he is exactly what you think. Swaggy. Short. He's like you. You know, you're not short. But he's got the blonde, long hair and the like, where's like pajamas as a suit. - Wait, who's this guy? - That guy. - That guy. - I mean, I've never -- - No. - Right? Right? I mean, this crossover between hippie and tech. - Yeah. - It's a really, yeah. - Totally. - Yeah, like he saw us and shit. And then he tries, like, to live forever. - Yes, yes, yes. - Yeah. - This all tracks. - And on his shirt for the suit, it said fun guy. And I was like, what do you have your own? - I've never heard of this guy. - Fun guy mushrooms. Microdosis are the best ever. - How often do you microdocene? - It depends. - I love shrimps. - That means you -- - I love it. - Yeah, I've guys never done anything. Never drank, never smoked weed. Nothing in his life. And then is now love shrimps. - Do you trip hard? - Or do you like her? - Not super. I'll do the chocolates. I've done one live. - Oh, there it is. - Right down. - No, no, no. - No, no, no. Over the rainbow box. - The rainbow box. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This girl's retarded. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Over there. - There we go. - That's fun guy. - Oh, I've never seen him. - The best. - How much is in one of those? - I don't know. Maybe. - What's a microdocene? - Jason Buswick. - Local. - Is he local? - I don't like when they look too delicious. - Is it 10? - Is it 10? Is that normal? - 10 is grams? - No, not 10 grams. - 10 million. - What is it supposed to be? One? - Yeah, like a gram. - I don't know. I have a one to microdose. - Okay. - And you want to show like live your life, do stuff? Or do you do that on days where you got nothing going on? - I try not to do shows when I microdose just because I'm a little weird. But when I do do it, they're always good. - Yeah. - Yeah. - But I microdose the entire pandemic. - Have you hear a dose of mushrooms? - What's the hero dose? - No, just eight grams? - It's like five to eight. - I've done three a couple times. - Fun. And then the other time, the second time I did it, my boy was like, you got to put it in lemon juice and blah, blah, blah. And then we drank orange juice after it and I was gone. When people say I'm on another planet, I thought that was just like, like an expression. And I was like, oh, I literally don't feel like I'm on the same dimension as I was before this. - I haven't even done a big dose of mushrooms, only acid. And I want to know if they're similar. But since that big acid trip, I've been too scared. to do a giant one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So I just make crudos everything. - Yeah. - But is it more, is mushrooms like, have you done acid? - No. - I feel like, I feel like acid is more crink, is more pixelated. Is more like, criss-a-me. Yeah, crinkly. And I feel like mushrooms is more like, like, you know what I mean, is it like that? What did it feel like to macrodos on mushrooms? - I felt like, at one point, it was like, we went to Mercer Labs. It's like, this is a good place to do shrooms. But there's like a bunch of mirrors. And I sat by one and I looked in the mirror and I saw myself turning like an 80 year old man was crazy. - Okay, that's also acid. The aging thing is acid. - Okay. - Sometimes I'm like, does it just make us ugly? - No, but then I was like, oh, you're tired. You need to rest. Look how tired you are. - I know, that's what I think. - And that was like the crystallizing moment. I was like, you need to do things to try to not be so exhausted all the time. - I think that's what it is. Cause I think when you do drugs with your friends, your friends look really ugly and scary and old. And I think it's because we've been doing drugs. (laughing) - I'm like, oh, I see you as an old woman. And I'm like, dude, we can't. - We've been away for 16 hours. - Yeah, totally. But then if people wear makeup, I've done acid and let the people with makeup and that's weird. Cause you can like see the makeup too. Dude, I peed down my leg one time. Cause there was a woman that I was talking to who had blip fillers and crazy work done. And my bladder just, I literally, like in the movies when the little kid pees. Cause I was tripping hard and I just was like, so scared to face the cloud. - And you're just like, you, you, you. - And I just peed. - What did she say? - She didn't notice. She didn't notice. I ran away. (laughing) - She's giving a shit for sharding every now and then. - So bad. - That was on drugs. (laughing) - Do you ever go in nature? Like are you like a, - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, nature every day. - Like a nature's room is like, I think that's the way. - It is the way. It is definitely the way. It's micro dosing nature. I'll do that. But then sometimes then, so if I'm micro dosing, I go into nature. Sometimes the idea of returning to society is so horrific. - Yeah. - You know what it means? So sometimes I have to micro dosing be like, you're gonna go do your stuff. Your city stuff, you'll be a grownup. But yeah, obviously it's the best. Being in nature is, being in nature can make me remember tripping hard. - Oh yeah. - Like you go back into nature and you're like, oh yeah, I don't need to trip. I remember exactly how this feels. - Oh yeah. - This is good. - I've done that with music before. Like we did Molly listen and we went to Burning Man and we listened to a set. And I listened back to the same set. And I'm like, holy shit, I'm like, oh that's good. - I'm awesome. - I'm just like, I'm a little freaked out. So it's just like in your spine. - I miss Molly so much. That's the best one. I'm on too much Prozac so it just nullifies. - Yeah, you got to like break for like three months before you do Molly go into something. - I don't know, it's three months. But it is, is it three months? - That's what Chatchy would choose to do. - Really? Are you on Prozac? - No, but I was reading about it. I was like, what should you not do if you're gonna do Molly? 'Cause I'm very like skittish with drugs. Anytime I do anything, I was like, research it. I'm like doing like fucking, I talked to us like colleges before I did Molly. Or before I did mushrooms for the first time. Just 'cause I was like, - And they were like, you need to grow up. - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah. - Are we gonna therapy? - No. - No. - You went, you saw it out of Psychologist. - Yeah, we can't believe it. - Like on Zockdock. (laughing) - He came with the podcast. - Okay, okay. - And he was like an MDMA psychologist and I was like, okay, I find this. - Oh, that's cool. - And so he like gave me like told me what to do. This guy Rick Barnett. - Oh, I think I'm a Flagrin. He came on your podcast. - Yeah, yeah. He started the Psychedelic Society Vermont. And he does like MDMA therapy, he's the man. But he was like, listen to this podcast. Or listen to this playlist. Like the John Hopkins like MDMA Research Playlist. He gave me like all this game. - Did you learn anything about myself from him? - No, about yourself and the thing. - Oh, yeah. - Really? - Yeah, about like anxiety and like just like the way that I see myself. Like I was able to like take my own advice. Cause people would ask me advice and I feel like I would give like decent advice but I would never take it. And then doing mushrooms I like was able to handle. - How much did you do? Cause I would never have had that thing. - Yeah. - People talk about it. - Well, I feel like there's an intentionality with it. Cause like I went out, I had a hammock. I laid in the woods. Like I went upstate and then like I played the music. I had like all the drinks, like water, everything I needed. So I was like very like rigorous with it. And then I intentionally like meditated before I'd journal before and then like. - Where you were like I'm gonna come out of this not a bitch. I'm gonna come out of this drama. - Yeah, that was the goal. Cause I was like I feel like a bitch. I feel like I'm anxious all the time. And I'm scared of shit. And then I was like what if I do mushrooms and I see like a demon. I see like you know some scary shit. And then I was like okay, I'm gonna think of the scariest thing possible. And then nothing showed up. And I was like I'm fine. - How did you know? - Was that mushrooms or Molly? - Mushrooms. - Oh, okay, okay. What happened with Molly? You just did it. - Oh, it's just the best. It was the greatest thing ever. And then I listened to the songs later and I relapsed. Just in the gym. Just like everything's awesome. I love you guys. - Yeah. - I'm like hey can you spot me? And then I just talk to the guy for a while. - Molly is sick because it gives you the high of cocaine. - Yes. - Like the high of like I'm invincible but it doesn't make you fucking talk about it. - I'm like it's not like I'm free. - Yeah. - It doesn't matter that. - There's some of that. That's all my friends. One of my friends gets Molly I where one I shuts entirely. It's so funny. And he's like, yeah dude, I love you so much. And I'm like, dude, we can't talk about it. But yeah, Molly just allows you to be like, I love you so much without then having to be like, and we should start a podcast together. I mean, I developed a 401k idea where we help out our channel. Coke is so fucked up. - But do you preface it? Even when I'm on Molly, I'll be like, hey dude, I know I'm on Molly, but like I do really love you. Like I will always like get ahead of it. - Dude, being a sober person having somebody walk up and going, hey, I know I'm on Molly. I'm like, just somebody else. Yeah, literally anybody else for me dude. I'm not going to give you what you need. It's crazy. I know I'm on Molly. And I'm like, then no, don't be here. - Yeah. - I need it. - Yeah, I have no real patience for drunk people or whatever I just don't. I just get away from me. - Yeah. - Well, I've only ever done Molly around people also all do it, Molly. - Yeah, that's great. - Yeah, I couldn't do Molly around. Some of this is not on drugs. I would be insane. - Do you ever meet somebody who you think is on Molly, but they just live like that? Like butterly, Tim Butterly is like that? - I don't know, Tim Butterly. - He just tells everybody that he loves him, that he loves you and you're like, are you on the phone? - I tell everybody I love them. - Really? - Yeah. - That's great. - It's always funny with guys 'cause they won't say it back at first. And then they eventually just cave and start saying it. But the first time, you're like, I love you. They're like, I'm gonna see you later. - Yeah. - You accidentally say to someone in your building. Like you say it so frequently, like you said, like someone's in the house. - Oh yeah, I actually said it to this neighbor mind who I'm pretty sure was in jail 'cause he had an ankle brace on the first couple of times I met him. - Yeah, he was with his daughter. And I was like, I love y'all and he was like, I love you too. And I was like, we don't, that's awesome. - My bad. - But it's also a nice mistake, you know what I mean? - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Of all the mistakes. - But it was weird. - I was a weird one. - A weird one. Last night, a guy was-- - Oh, sorry, this is your mic. - Oh, archer. - Archer, you wanna come in? - Yeah, yeah. - It's right there. We got an archer. - You got the magnet back on? - It's good. - What am I afraid of again, we're good. - She don't need, she just use your hands archer. - Dude, there was a guy last night walking around my house that was like a two in one. There was a guy getting recycling like a super who's like a crack head outside my building. But then there was a guy, I was walking my dog and he just kept opening his fly and showing the tip of his penis. And he would just keep walking by me and just showing the tip of his penis like this. And it was so weird to me, like I was like, I wanna say something to him, but it was almost like you who wanted me to be like, it's good, like he wanted me to be like, no, it's fine, that's a good-- - It sounds medical. - It's just okay, yeah. And then I walked up to the super and I was like, there's a guy just showing the tip of his penis everywhere. And then the super goes, that's awesome. And I was like, what was he like? - You do live in the Simpsons. - Yeah, yeah. - He was like, that's awesome. And then I was like, it's not awesome. And he was like, nah, that's awesome. That's weird. - Did you success while living that building? - I know. I live in a tiny, it's the size of that table. I refuse to move. I love the location and I don't want to-- I have a house up in Ithaca, but I don't want to move out of my tiny-- - What's your time share here and there when you hear 10, 11 months out of the year? Like how? What's out of the year, they're two weeks-- - So you don't ever-- - I just want you to sell your house in Ithaca and get a bigger place in the same neighborhood. - Because I don't believe in the stock market. So I buy gold. - All right, all right. - What? - Yeah. - That also didn't really answer my question. - Because I have the house as a long-term investment. - Full of gold. - Okay, I got you. - Right? - I got you. - I just have the house because I put the money there and I make it better and I work on it. - Okay. - And I love it. - Oh, you work on it yourself. - Yeah, and it's the cutest I was the world shit, huh? - Yeah. - Or is it cool girl that you can't handle and you have to make me gay because the idea that you could be in a relationship with somebody who is handy, hot, cool, is too much? - No. - Okay, with the fact that I couldn't handle you. - Okay, great. - What's up? - What's up? - What's up? - You guys are like, "You're gay. I'm like, "Are you just mad that your wife can't do shit?" - Two things can be true. - Two things can be true. Right? - Yeah. - They go, "You have to be a lesbian." And there's no way you can suck a dick and build a house and I go, "I can do both." You can build a house by the way, it's like a cock. - Really? - Are you handy around your apartment and you fix everything? - I hate doing it because I did it for so many years. - With your dad? - Yeah, with my dad and my mom's a contractor, come over. - With your dad. - Just like a thing that you do. - Well, you know, one thing, let's do it another way. - But my mom was a contractor and my dad, so I worked with her before me. - Oh, okay. - So carpentry is in my family. - Yeah, okay. So you can fix anything. - Yeah, the only thing I can't do is build like furniture, I can't, I don't do fine carpentry. - No, it'll leave it after the job. - I hate that. - I hate that so much. Yeah, totally. But yeah. But I also, what I'll do is I'll date blue-collar people so they fix stuff so I don't have to because I don't. - I'm writing that down. That's really smart. - Date blue-collar people? - Yeah. - Date a real man and finally brought me to my house. - She just thought of that. - She might be an idiot. - Yeah, I know. - Really? - She's bush with breezes. - Can't do that. - They're Republican though. You have to be okay with Republican. Not for a relationship. But I only ate Republicans, it's a huge issue. That's a problem. How does all of us? Because I'm masculine, so I have to date so many more masculine me. And then they're always conservative? Yeah, I'm not going to date some fucking MPR, you know? They're in tote bag. Yeah, they have to be somebody who hates women because then I feel feminine because they're like, you're a little bitch, they don't have to hate women, but they have to at least when you're the exception. They're like, I hate women, but you? Right. Right. Or they're like, I feel, they're not going to, like when I date liberals, they think I'm going to like dominate them in bed because of how I am out in the world. But a Republican is like, nobody's dominating me. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You dated guys in unions. Yeah. I love a union man. Yeah, a uniform. You like union? I love a uniform. I love when they have the, the kind of Hick accent where they talk like there's marbles in their mouth. They're like, we're going to go and buy the ball. Yeah. And they're fat. And they're fat. You're kind of fat. I don't do the fat dude. I don't do the facts. I used to be very fat. So when I see the fat, I go. Why don't we do it? So she likes a nice body, but full lean, you know, yeah, you don't want, you don't need abs. No abs. Yeah. What are you fucking pervert? Yeah. Abs. No way. Abs are crazy. Yeah. No, this all, this all makes sense. Like a, you dated a fireman? Oh, I loved it. No, fireman's cheat like mother fuckers. Really? Yeah, because they're the men again. If there's any Latino in them, I won't date them because they cheat. It's in their culture. It's true. Yeah. Where's the whole universe that you did, uniform like carpentry, electrical, level electrical. Well, I have, I think I would date a plumber, a little poopy for me. It has seemed a little poopy. Farmer, I've dated. Mechanic. Farmer seems like the move. Mechanics great. Farmer's are really stupid. They're really dumb, but they're very strong. Yeah. They're just like nice about that. Like you're thinking of stuff all day and you go home and he's like, I'm not thinking about it. No, they have to be smart. a little almost like dorky like and I know how to fix it or you know autistic former autistic carpenters the farming thing. The farmer became a doctor. Whoa. That would have been you. That's my dream. That's a crazy plan. What kind of doctor is it? I don't know. We haven't done it. I think internal medicine or whatever, but like I remember we were talking about like getting work this summer. Like you always make money throwing hay bales and I'll like what? Yeah, you throw hay bales on a truck to make like 15 cents a hay bill over the course of a day. You make a hundred 200 bucks and I was like, I'm making 30 cents that day. You see in a hay, but that's a big fucking. Yeah. Yeah. I think I was a man, dude. We probably would get a little jacks doing it. You know, like I think about work that you also get a workout, which is kind of nice. Yeah. I when I before I started comedy, I was a farmer and I wrote the most jokes farming because you're just checked out. Yeah. You're completely just like moving your body. So you can think about stuff, which is nice. Yeah. You're so tired. So I had to quit being a carpenter because I would get up on stage and be like, that's him. You get it, man. But what was a workshop you read? Oh, roofing seems pretty tough. I don't do bad jobs. I don't like doing bad probably. I like doing manual labor. I think the worst jobs are anything that has to do with service service industry when you have to be nice to people fuck off. I cannot do that when when you all of a sudden become slave mentality to them and they treat you like that. And you're like, how what are you thinking that this is? Bakery. I didn't like to wake up at 5 a.m. Oh, yeah. That's rough as a comic. Yeah. That was rough as a comic. But I would just stay up all night and go. And the cocaine. Yeah, the coke. Yeah. Yeah. Any service industry job I've lost, I've been fired from all of those from getting in fights with people. What was the craziest fight you got into. She chooses guy being a pedophile. That was just for the love of the game. It wasn't even on the job. I got fired for, let's see, I got fired, my sister fired me from a job because I would smoke a blunt before going in every time. And then I got my best friend a job there. And we would, this thing would happen because when you're like, we would give people their water and we would go up to each other. And if we ended up at the same table on accident, we would cry laugh in front of customers and like not be able to keep it together. And my sister was like, you're gonna get fired. And then one day I just walked up and I picked up a cup and I was so high. And I just dumped the picture on the customer. And she was like, you're done, dude. You're done. Totally. But have you been treated badly by patrons? I don't know, I was so high all the time, I didn't do it. That sounds like you might have deserved it. Yeah, so it's so bad that job. She dumped water. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I just would lie and be like, I know what I'm doing and couldn't do it. I've lost a lot of jobs doing that. Be like, I can do it. And then I would YouTube things. I lost a job putting in like countertops ones because I just drilled right to the countertop. They bought it and then I tried to patch it and they're like, yeah, you can't do this. I just seem like not. The only thing I can really do well is stand up. I can farm, but even farming, I would be running the combine through the field. And I would think of a joke and write it down in the combine would just turn and fuck up the entire crop. So I'm very clumsy and bad. That's why I stand up. It's got to work out. It's got to be. It's got to work being on a farm, but also now being able to see blood. I feel like I got a farm. I can see my own blood. Just I can't see like no needles. No needles. No, but yeah, I can cut my hands up and yeah, I mean, you couldn't menstruate and have that. Right, right, right. Yeah, but they're cuts everywhere is totally fine. It's vasovagal is like, you know, yeah, poke stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll faint putting an earring in sometimes. No, it's when it's go in the body. We don't like to go in the body. You can cut the body. You can scrape the body. It can't go in the body. You just like pass out before you got your ears pierced. Like, how did you like manage that? The ears pierced one or two. It's like, do you freak out? I only fainted it just on the collarbone. It's got to close. And this one actually, because it got a ton of veins. Yeah, I'm like, at the deck, dude, my mom was laughing. So god damn it, where's that boy? Come in here and go down on me. Got it, aren't you? You're good. But like, if you had to like vaccinate a cow or something, like you had it like livestock farm. No, no, no, bean farming, bean farming combined. Oh, it's only. Yeah, yeah, no, I'm not sticking things into animals. Veins. Yeah, I'm out of bed. What's wrong with you? I had a friend that had farmed arrows. I'm like, they would just have chickens that would die. The fox, they're like foxes or whatever we get in and like eat all the chickens. And then there'd just be bloody chickens and we'd have to go fucking clean it. Farmers life is a rough life, dude. Yeah, it's not easy. Bloody chickens, I think it would even be fine. It's more like if I had to give an IV to a doctor. She's gonna knock it out. Bro, Bert Kreischer and that whole crew do it. Do you guys do those IVs? I've eaten triv. Oh, come on. What do we know? I used to donate blood like in school for movies. I'm not with you. I fainted at substance. That movie substance or dude passed out right in the theater, tried to get to the bathroom. Yeah, I heard you talking about this movie. I remember seeing the trailer and I looked in nuts. It's really good. It didn't seem like I love that movie because I love the I always talk about how plastic surgery freaks me out because people are like, oh, you look so young, but you're not actually young. You have an old person in there. And the substance like perfectly encapsulates that where it's damning more living in this old, this young girl. And it's so good. So I had to watch it again. But yeah, it was like, I made it through the gory stuff and I was like, I'm good. Look at me, I'm growing. And then she got a panic attack on screen. And that's when I just was like, I have to go to the bathroom. I was sweat through all my clothes, passed out in the hallway. People were walking over me being like another homeless person. You pass out. Look, that's sketchy. No, you know to get down and you're like, here it comes. And then you are up against the wall and then you slide down and you're out. And then you wake up on planes. I faint a lot. Really? Yeah. If I watch a movie and because there's less, you know, there's that it's why you fart a lot and you laugh a lot. You notice when you watch a movie on a plane, you'll cry. Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I cry all the time. On planes, right? Because it makes you it does something. There's some scientific thing that happens. Yeah, they make food. Yeah, they apparently a lot of people want tomato juice or bloody mario whatever because it's salty and you crave salt. Oh, wow. That's why maybe you don't taste or maybe you don't taste salty. Yeah, you taste. Yeah, your taste buds get muted. I think or some of that. Yeah, that's an incredibly unnatural natural thing flying. It's dude. All I want is what you want. I want to get the transit vehicle. I want to tour bus. I want to make it. Yeah. I don't want that. But how we have a podcast every week. So that's why we're here. Okay. I'll do it. You be any in with the Jordan. That's your only potter you do know. I do. Okay. Thanks. I'm on. And but RIP I could do anywhere. Okay. But I want one month on the road. One month you bank the podcast. I would love this. Right. I would love this. But why don't we do it? Because I think a lot of times comics have a hard time selling tickets on a Monday or Tuesday, you know? So like comedy tour, it was always just like weekends. You go to some shitty club and you do stand-up and do drugs. But then you camp. You could just get hit. You could just do stuff. I think we're getting to the point where we could do weekend stuff. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to definitely is. But also sometimes we're topical and something big happens in New Zealand. Oh God. Book a flight the day before. What are we talking about here? You guys always say that. Does he do arenas? Yeah. He could do arenas on the weekends. Theater on Wednesday. Yeah. And that'd be fun. Well, he has a child. He's a children. Yeah. All the kids. I've never done you get the month with the kids. Yeah. But then you're a month without kids. That's, that's tough. That is tough because they grow up so they get big fast. Yeah. And you could bring them at a young age. At a young age. You can't raise it. Wait, isn't Andrew not touring? He's not very real. He's doing the movie right now in Australia. Yeah. See, that's nice. Yeah, right? That's nice. A good long break. No, yeah. Although sometimes I take those breaks and I'm like, I'm going to write fucking new out. and then the whole break, I'm like, oh, nothing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I did, oh, this is the longest I've ever taken. Not, it's been like five years. I took like three months only, like three weekends, and I was like, I'm gonna work on this hour, I'm gonna polish it, I did nothing. - What is that? We're imagining some dusty desk in a beautiful room with some sun coming in, and we're like, "Dead Diary." Like, it's not happening. We're like filling it with family and friends, and all the people that we see. - I'm not proud to today, but the future me. - Yeah, the future me has, is a professor? - Yeah, everything reads. - It's crazy when I'm imagining. Yeah, I'm like, I don't even own a desk. - Oh, Alex has to leave to go to a Rosh Hashana dinner or something. - Yeah, are you Jewish? - You like to say goodbye to, "Oh, so you're not dumb, you're a smart girl." (laughing) - So great, no, everything. - Can I ask you a question about your subway take? - Oh, yeah. - So I imagine you had multiple subway takes. Like, in your head, were there any that you were like, "Oh, I, if I get, are there any that you would tell here?" - The only other one I had was that all seats need to go back on the plane. All seats back, all seats go back. - Everyone goes back. - I've never even understood why this is an issue. Like, the idea of like, "Oh, do I put my seat back or not?" - Larry David, so many people that we know and love, don't worry about, don't worry about. What is that? It's because they think it's a huge sign of disrespect to lean into somebody's face, and I'm like, but we all want to be like this. - Yeah. - So if we all do that, but then there's this one mother fucker on the plane that's straight up being like, "Yeah, I'm back, I'm back, I'm back." - That's your prerogative. You don't have to. Then you don't have to lean back. - I would even argue, just make the seats shape that way. - Yeah, it's also, this is not my fault. This is a Delta thing. Like Delta said that they can go back that many feet or inches. So I'm gonna go back. - Yeah. - Like, don't get mad at me. - Yeah, but you still have that thing where you haven't gone back yet in the chair hits and you go, "Damn, that is offensive." Like, if I wasn't out of seat back. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But that's offensive. Oh, that's better. - Maybe it fucks the person in the back. I mean, what is the logic? - You know what that person does? - Yeah. - There's one person gets fucked all the way in the back 'cause those seats don't recline. - But they're poor. - Exactly. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That is a good point. - Yeah. - I mean, you're already sitting right out of the bathroom. - You're already fucked, yeah. - I've been in that seat. You're leaning back, not leaning back. It don't make a difference. - Yeah, you just gotta eat it. - Yeah, I got the last spot. - Yeah, I got the last seat. - So well, with the stank and the chlorine smell. - Dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you hate to see it. - But yeah, I don't even think that's a controversial. I'm like completely with you. - But a lot of people aren't. It's like half and half. - I'm shocking how divisive this is. - I've asked audiences and it's like so. And the ones who are anti-back are anti-back. They are like, you are a horrible person. - I don't think those people fly very much. If you fly a lot, you're so uncomfortable on the plane. Give me any ounce of less discomfort. Not even comfort, just less discomfort. I need that. I have a lot of plane problems. - I agree. - I wish we could talk about it as stand-ups. Somebody decided it was hacky in 1990s, and now I can't do it. - Yeah. But like the person behind you trying to get off the plane before you. - You know, I will fuck that person. - Oh, dude. - You can't put that. - What is that? If you say, I have somewhere to be, dude, the other fucking day, my dog, we're getting on a plane. And my dog is doing the cutest thing that she does before we get on a plane, which is where she rolls in the carpet and scratches her back. It's cucing, we're seeing. And so when goes, there's something wrong with your dog and she shouldn't be on the plane. - Whoa. - Water. - I'm fucking bitch. - I'm fuming and she walks by me and I stop her, I put my arm out and I go, hey, what were you saying? There's something wrong with my dog. And she was like, well, there's obviously she has like a skin thing because she was scratching. And I was like, she was, and I like, just stop this woman before she got on the plane and had this whole break down with her about how insane it was that she said that. And she was like, okay. And then she walked down. I was like, okay, we had this conversation. And she was like me too. - Have any of these conversations ever been filmed? Has an iPhone ever popped out and you were like, oh, I snapped back. You gotta get out of here. That was what I was worried about that Manhattan one when I punched that guy's mirror 'cause there were so many people around. - No, I've had people DM me and be like, I saw you in a fight with a security guard. (all laughing) - I don't know if you'd love to punch. - Yeah. - I get in fights. You know when you walk into a store and they go, hi, what are you looking for today and you're like pants shopping? I'll fight that bitch. - What do you do? I walk out and be like, I know how to do it. I know how to buy my own pants. I'm like, so are you looking for any sort of fit? I'm like, I know you think I'm gonna steal. Fuck off. I'm not gonna fucking steal from you. - What are they doing? - They're forced by the company to make the guests feel a company. - Nobody looks at the white girl. - They don't look like cheese. - Could I among the recently I was like, you're giving me so much anxiety right now, babe. You got it back off. And she was like, I think we're on the safe way because I was like 100% not on the safe way. I need you to treat me like I'm an enemy. That's what I need. - I've had so many people come up to me at a store like in a row that I was like, what's happening? How many people do I have to tell them? - I know, but I grew up a fat mall goth that would get profiled for actually, I would steal everything. So now I'm like, dude, I'm not. It's weird when people think, dude, when people think you're poor, when you used to be poor now, like my neighbor by my house thinks I'm white trash because my mom has two pit bulls and my sister has two panoranians who are always looking like white trash. And she's like, you guys need to stay on your property. And I realized I was like, oh my gosh, she thinks I have no money, she thinks I'm white trash. And I overdid it trying to think I was, make her think I was rich. Like I brought her zucchini and I was like, we grew these on our property. Like she was like, just leave me alone. I was like, you're right. - That's very gonna prove to her that you're rich. - I thought the zucchini. - I brought a whole farm to table with something. I don't know. Oh my God. - You don't even know how to pretend to be rich. - She keeps catching me on her property. I keep going back there, I gotta stop. She caught me two days ago, I was on her property. - What are you doing on her property? - I'm a little landlocked on mine and the dog's like to run. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - She doesn't like it. - This bitch. - She can even see us. We're deep in the woods, she found us and she was shaking, she was like, you're not respecting my boundary. And I was like, do you plan on living here for a long, 'cause I need you to not live here anymore. She was like, she's like, I don't plan on leaving. It was awful. - Wait, what dogs are the pit bulls or the other? - It was the pit bulls. The pit bulls are the problem. - Yeah. - Are you pit bull lover? - I'm a pit bull lover, yeah, totally. - Do you understand the stigma? - Yeah, do you, her mom's pit bull. - Eight, her friend, her girlfriend's cat's foot. - Yeah. - Right off, clean off. - And I said when I saw the foot. - Oh no. - A bone chart. - Dude. - You can't do that. - Yeah. - Yep. - So, what happened? - You kept the pit bull? - Yeah, wait. - So baby, the pit bull, my mom always had these women just moving in. My mom had a woman move in with us and she had two kids. And my mom broke up their marriage and then-- - Is that a real thing? Was it being moved in, like immediately? - Oh God, so fast. - Oh, really? - Sometimes it would bother me and I'd be like, I would want to be like, mom, are you compensating for the fact that you don't have a cock? Are you like, if you had a cock, would you be like, I'm just gonna dick this bitch down, but because I don't, I have to be like, you can move your IQ. (laughing) Is that, is there something with that? But no, I think it's just way too much emotional connection too fast. Like, man, we'll just be like pump the brakes, pump the brakes, but women are like, why ever pump the brakes? Let's just be each other. And so then they would move in. And then baby, eight, the foot of this woman's cat. And the woman was like, I'm worried that you're gonna, the dog is gonna attack my kids rightfully so. - Yeah. - So I was like, all right, leave my dog over everything. Take your little, crippled cat and get the fuck out of here. - Damn. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. - People do scare me because my dog is so small and he's fucking yappy little thing. I wonder if he gets that from, but you're gonna get killed. - Yeah. - You got to know your friend. - No, my dog's best friend is two peoples though. If they're raised right, they're the best. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - My dog, mom's dog will put my dog's head entirely in its mouth and just hold it there. And I'll watch my dog just feel like this is the best. And I'm like, I get it, you want the daddy? It feels good. - Yeah. - It's nice, she likes the threat. She's like your mommy. - Yeah, yeah. - She likes the woman. - That's really what it is. It's not that I have anything against peoples. I just don't trust people. - Yeah. - So I'm like, I'd have to know what kind of a dad you wore before I left. - And they're bred oftentimes to be a little more aggressive. Am I mistaken? - They have, in there. - When I have own pit bulls, they have a hunt and kill and they'll just find a wood choke and just end its life very quickly. But I think that that's just their size. Like, I think any dog would do that. They just can't. - Yeah, my dog chases after pigeons. - Right. Like, I think they just can't do it. - Actually, squeak toys apparently. It's like, it makes them feel like they're killing a thing. And that's why they like it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - My dog tore open a squeak toy the other day and the squeaker just said, "You won." - No. - No. - Oh, that's clever. I like that, dude. - Yeah, it was really cool. - It's kind of nice. - But yeah, I don't know. There's something about like, you got to find out the car facts of the owner and be like, are you a good owner? Or like, I let my kid pay your dog. - Yeah, all dogs see me. You just think, "Chawawas." And they just don't hurt. People can just do a lot of damage because they got the giant jaw. - Yeah. - There was a massive on the fucking train the other day. And it was so big. And I turned and looked at it. And it took my look as like, we're friends. And it just jumped on me. - Oh wow. - And was just like, slobbering on me. And everybody was like, oh my god. But the dog was just loving me so hard. It is just like, and the owner knew. The owner was like, I'm not gonna, it's totally fine. But yeah, it's all, it's all what the owner is. And I think people who have pit bulls sometimes do it for status. So they're fucking, you know. Same as the key does. - They project a little. - Yeah, and they want it to be. But you see these white girls in Brooklyn walking their dogs and they won't, they choke on the leash so hard. - Yeah. - And I'm like, that's gonna be a bad dog. - Yeah. - And you're thinking it's gonna be a good dog because they're training it. But you have to let them. - Yeah. - Rock. - Yeah. - Your teeth are gonna be tense all the time. - Yeah. - And they're aggressive on leash because they're thinking they're like, you're gonna be getting held back as I'm supposed to be fighting for something. - Oh. - You gotta let 'em free. - You gotta free the dog. - You're like such a good dog mama. She'll give you a good mom mom. - I know I've been such a good mom. It's such a shame I'm not gonna have kids. I'll be the best. I'd have a ferro little fucker here. - Yeah. - I'm making boys. - Yeah. - So you're never gonna have kids? - If somebody comes inside me, I'll keep it. But I can't, I don't do good holding down relationships. And I'm not freezing my eggs. - Why not? - 'Cause they're crazy. These girls go crazy. You see all these comedians and freezer eggs with two months of losing their goddamn mind. Also, I don't want it. I'm not that pro kid. That I'm gonna do the egg freezing because then they pay it's a racket. They pay ten grand Hmm at least freeze the shit out of their eggs, and then they all get pregnant Immediately after naturally this happened to like four of my friends. Really and you got to pay to storm Right. Yeah, they charge like a rent is like storage wars like there's like doing it somewhere It's yeah, and if I don't get pregnant it's not meant to be if I do get pregnant I'll keep it would you raise like a like a step kid? Yeah, raise a step kid. Wait somebody else is good Yeah, I see you adopting. I would like to adopt a little Chinese baby. Oh Watch your you go Chinese yeah, they're so cute. They are really cute. They're so cute. You know, they're gonna be smart With Chinese baby. Yeah, your taxes Look at them. Oh my god, all right. It's so cute. Oh Lee Come on. Yeah, I would go right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look at that fucking kid. Yeah. Oh my goodness. We're cutie patootie But the thing with adopting is you want to adopt an orphan or else they end up connecting with their wackass crackhead mother Because they want to find their roots and then that mom takes them on some shopping spree and get some high-freak those corn syrup every time It's you know If you're whole thing Parents you want nothing to do with them. Yeah Yeah, yeah, totally dead parents. You know what I was trying to talk about on stage which never works all my female friends are like I want to have a kid, but I don't want to raise it with a man Right, but I don't want to freeze my eggs. So I basically the way they're describing it's like I want to get pregnant And then basically have the guy just disappear forever and I'm like you're describing rape You want to get raped and have a man be locked up. Yeah, and I think man We're gonna get so bad for women to date that that we're gonna have like eight nights. Where we go out and get Problem with the logic of the bit is you could also just a guy gets you pregnant No, cuz he won't leave ever. He won't leave and he could always come back into your life. He's in jail. He's done Either we want to get impregnated and kill the man like a prank mantis does. Yes, pretty sick. That's pretty cool or I think honestly, maybe that's the disconnect is if you're like I just want him to like go to Have sex with me then maybe he winds up in jail or something. Yeah, something Right, you've given them that bread. And then you just don't say so hard. You're like I think what you're describing is a Yeah, they don't want you. Yeah, okay. Okay. Okay, soften it soft. Maybe yeah, it's a little like they're still a consent part You know, yeah, I think we worked out your I say so much on stage just sometimes just to see the reaction. It's so crazy how people react It's crazy that one word can just shut down a whole It's pretty cool. Well, you feel like a fucking puppeteer. You're like That's nice as a woman. I can say It is you really can't yeah, I tried to number worked. Yeah, it's crazy Damn, I tried saying the other day that I know that is getting Women are dealing with better finally because every women they get are so in the wing That didn't got that reaction. That got this right like in America. It's they shut down emotionally They disassociate you try and talk to them and they just slowly face a corner in the room. You ask a woman about This is good. This is progress. Yeah, women are talking about it on every first day We're getting somewhere. We're moving in the right direction You just want men to be more open also Yeah, if every man if a guy yeah, then I would know that I would know that it was getting better That men were evolving if I they sat down to date and they're like let me tell you about when I was And you went oh shit, you know because that's happening to you guys every date you go on you guys are in relationships But when you go on a date women will immediately bring up their assault really yeah or any trauma Oh my god totally. So how should you handle it as a guy if there's any single guys out there should you Oh, you should just kind of lean back and be like so what was that like or do you just oh I'm so sorry You go I'm so sorry. Yeah, you gotta do. I'm so sorry if you want to have sex empty calories. Oh my god I'm so sorry that must have been so hard. Yeah, I hate that I hate it. I hate it. Yeah, but then they're gonna try to Fuck you that night. So like you got it now you right that's what men do is they go oh no now if I try and fuck this woman It's don't think that way really I would think you got to wait a few dates now and now you got a slowpoke This girl I can't be the guy trying to fuck her when she just told me she got Well, what happened? You gotta edit all that Yeah, we duck it. He's ducking. He's ducking. We have to duck everyone. Okay. What's a duck it? Oh, you got it? You got it muted. That would actually be funny every time you say we have a little duck Let's do that. Let's put a little duck noise. That's kind of nice. Okay Let's make this take a teeth out of it. Yeah, we can say grape Is that better? But now you're so sorry. You keep going keep going. You just gotta be you. Yeah, be you Okay, then miles would just make you Um Yeah, I wonder where you two guys taking down But I got very skittish of this whole thing because in college they told us like my orientation They're like if a girl drinks alcohol she can't consent And then I was like looking at my friends that are girls that are they get shit face and bang dude Oh dude I'm your dude You know what I mean? Dude, I never had sex sober So bad. I mean, it's so it's like When all the dude here I also like you know people who got like Like clocked dragged right and then so and then you went to college and they said all of that You know, I mean just fucking clubbed over the head and those girls Which I know dude my sister had this happen when she was like 15 brutal And then all of a sudden all these girls are like I was because I I Drank and had sex with this guy and I just remember my sister being like you fall after you I'll give you some to cry Yeah, totally, but yeah, I mean there's something to be said about when you get fucked up and you wake up and you're like dude Come on. I know that you didn't drink as much as me. You know I fucking hate you You know I find you disgusting. I turn you down five times, right? And you did this then I can imagine being like I'm gonna press some charges, but when it's just two drunk people having sex. It's tough. You can't I yeah Does really told us in school and I was like well, I'm just gonna that's good though It's good to go hard. I guess right? You're gonna hear sentence for God's sakes You can't be like oh and answer they told us. I was like well, I'm just gonna Yeah, stick with my girl and then marry You're a drunk wait, what yeah now you can just fuck your wife drunk though, right? That's not right But even that I'm like what about the guy who fucked his wife and she had Alzheimer's whoa and then somebody called the cops Wait, that's the thing. Do you think if you get married it should be you legal no They had to make this a lot they had to make that a lot because they were like like there's a comedy talk I'm gonna write some way back in the day and it was like comedy around the world And there was a guy in Africa and he was like a warlord and he's like I love stand-up comedy And so he does comedy for like the troops in the warlord thing and one of his jokes like this was like it's big closer He goes so I met this guy and he was like I My wife and I was like how And like a crush and all the guys in this trap are like yeah, why they were like how it's not possible And so then everyone's like we gotta make a wall right you can it's possible to do bad things to your own wife And you shouldn't do it and then we're all right fun. Totally. I think it's possible to have many Out in the world like the the guy who always demands the long hug. It's a little mini You know Sometimes the fist bumps the amount of fist bumps somebody throws at you little mini So many so many you know the guy who just always is there with the fist bump. Oh my god It's funny because I offered her one fist bump earlier and I saw her look at it. And she thinks I want What a high five. I saw that's right. That's jail. What I bet I was like I'm a hugger and I was like no Hugging is good. I mean the unattractive guy that's like bring it in as soon as you show up to work And you're like fuck now I have to hug Jim for 45 seconds. Yeah Totally. Yeah, there's also a guy thing that happens with this though like guys will just dab each other up too many times Oh really? Cause like especially if you're drinking a little bit because you'll be like y'all later dude And they'll be like you'll by the way let me know about the thing. You're like yeah, for sure Yeah, I'll see you even yeah no one ever leaves right when they say oh I didn't know too many that there's multiple Dapses and then guys will say by the rest of the group and they got anyway bros and I was like the third one in two minutes So it's like oh, okay This is the thing you all agree to do that. Yeah, that's okay. That's nice that you also have to deal with this I'm so afraid of white women. I don't even really tug them. I will I will only dip I know it's really fun in the meet and greet line when people take pictures with me and their hand is just hovering Yeah, if I take a picture with a girl almost always the hand is above this No, there's not touch it. Yeah Mona's very funny comic just closes his fist like this and every You already the kiana you've seen when he takes photos with you. Kiana reaves with like hover hand Yeah, every time you see and he just like he'll just like stand there like this. The wiggle people standing here wiggle hands So they don't have to touch get see I feel like that's over competency. Yeah, you gotta watch out for those people I thought right here don't touch just so if someone's like oh he was a creep in meet and greet is like pull up the picture Yeah, oh wow that's solid that's solid go to the quadrant one because that's got like for him in a row Yeah, it's tricky for him though because look how close women always want to get yeah, he's hot I don't have that issue. One of the hottest nicest guys ever, so he's like, yeah, I got to, you know, place it. Women at meet and greet sometimes will just grab onto your shirt because they're so drunk and they're falling over. Have you ever had that happen where they're clutching onto you because they're so wasted and you're like, they're having one. I haven't had it once or twice once, a girl. I was like, yeah. And then she was like, yeah, your wife doesn't mind. I was like, yes, the fuck she does. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not happening to you. Like, couple, man and woman, don't come up to you. Well, that. But like, the woman will just be so touchy and then the guy will be there. And I'm like, can we not, like, I don't know how to handle it. Oh, where a guy is being touchy and the woman is like, no, the girl is being touchy. But like, it's for you. I know where I'm switching getters. The guy will be touchy and the girl, no. No man is, feels comfortable touching me. That's zero. Boyfriends, father, none of us can't do that. People I love, not all of them are like, is this all right? Is this okay? But do girls ever come on to you? Yes. Yeah. Is he? In front of the boyfriends? Oh, my God. And the boyfriends will be like, she really wants to have sex with you. And I'll be like, sorry, sorry that your girlfriend wants to cheat on you. And they're like, I don't consider women people, and I go, okay. You do kind of have like, like, a swing or a third energy, I feel like where people will see you and they'll be like, oh, she will obviously be down. And then I'm sure you can probably. People who come down for anything, that sounded like an insult. No, because you talk so much about sex and they have like, there's masculine energy with people like, oh, she's obviously down to join our throttle. Yeah. The thing I'm saying about sex is how much I don't enjoy it. Yeah. She literally says it. I don't really like sex. I don't like it that much. It makes me have the, we're all chimps thing. Yeah. Yeah, it makes me be like, this is so stupid. I saw a method. It's doing this on the subway. This is so dumb that we think we're so cool. But then you also talk about how addicted you are to sex. So which one is? Yeah. Addicted to, I'm addicted to love and I use sex to get to love. I am not addicted to sex. I do not jerk off. I do not watch porn. I do not. Just a means to an end. I do anything to get somebody to be like, I'll stay forever. And turns out, if you blow, dude, you can suck the cum straight out of their balls for a year and a half. They still don't stay. Damn. You think that? You think you go, I'm going to pull all of the semen out of this man and then we'll get married now. It's actually worse. Yeah. It's actually worse. Yeah, you have to say, no, you can't come on me all the time. Yeah. And then they go, oh, I respect you. You're going to be like a tradwife. Yeah. If you went full tradwife, I feel like that was full. I've gone full tradwife. I've done the tradwife thing. Yeah. I did it. I did the running seven miles a day, making the oatmeal and the more. I did the tradwife thing. I tried. But then you got to say, no sex before marriage. That's the ultimate one. That would be great. I would love that. No sex before marriage would be awesome. The buildup would be great. Yeah. But I think sex is actually an impediment of finding love. I agree. But you're not told that growing up, you know what I mean? You look at your friends having sex and you go, they have a boyfriend because they're having sex. Yeah. And then you start to realize that they're different. You can break up with them. Yeah. And it is now I finally learned that men will put their dicks in anything, but yeah, you have to wait. Sometimes it's hard to wait because then you think if you do it, why don't I not wait typically? I not wait because yeah, there's this subconscious thing of like, I'm going to lock it in because if we have sex, he'll be like slightly indebted, which it doesn't happen. Yeah. You should read that Steve Harvey book. Think like a man. Was it like a lady? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Steve Harvey wrote a whole book. I genuinely don't know what it is, but I've seen this. You're not supposed to have sex with men for like 30, 40 days, something like that. Like really? Yeah. What does Steve Harvey know about this? I don't know. What's going on? Yeah, don't do that shit. That shit don't work. Act like a lady, think like a man. You're not going to trust this guy. Yeah. Why is a man writing that book? Because he thinks like a lady is not how men think. This is how we are. Oh, I gotcha. I gotcha. This is how you didn't navigate. This is how we really are. No man is going to be honest with you about how we are. And if you have sex with them too early, I think he's like, they're going to lose interest and they won't tell you that. Well, there's also the problem that as a woman, you get attracted to men who aren't into you. You get harassed. You get slightly aroused when a guy is like, I don't know if I'm feeling this. So I think you subconsciously are like, well, maybe if I have sex with him, he'll like me. But I think subconsciously, subconsciously, you're like, I kind of want to fuck this guy because he reminds me of my upbringing. You know? A little bit where he's like, I don't know if I feel this. You go, he feels something. He's going to feel something. Yeah. I mean, you've heard the adage. Like they told us this in Bible study, they're like women use sex to get love. And then men use love to get sex. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. That was in your Bible study. Yeah. You guys have such a better gender. That's not so much more fun. Ars is so pathetic. Yours is so cool. You use that. You have sex with somebody. Wait, what do you use sex for? You use love. You're like, oh, I love you, baby. You're the only one for me just to get sex. And then you're done. Whereas women will be like, what do you use to get love? Just push it down. You don't need love. Oh, okay. No love. That's nice. That's nice. That's good. We need it so bad. We can't get the love. And then they give the love. And then they get the sex on their out. This is what they told in Bible study. I don't know. Bible study. Okay. He's trying to convert you right now. I don't know if you're listening. Are you religious? Yeah. I grew up very religious. Are you? And then now I'm like, casually religious, but I'm the most religious person of any of my friends. Do you believe there's a God? Yeah. A guy? Man? I mean, yes. Yeah. But like, why? I think it's like a consciousness probably. But that's not religious. I hate this. No, God is a man. He's dude. We make it a man because we ride it. We make it a man because we're going to bleed out of the vagina once a month. Why would God do that if he was a man? Or if he was a woman? If God was a woman, you would be like, hey, babies. You don't do shit. Yeah, because he don't want. He's like mentioned, you have to go through that. No way. You guys are a little tool. You're drone bees. You go up to the queen. Why is the bee a queen woman? Runs the whole hive. We do everything. Yeah, yeah, he gives you all. You guys are literally warriors. That's what God is a man. He gives you all the responsibility. No, you guys don't know anything. You have no force. You don't have intuition. What is your parents? Huh? Bliss. He made us like that. He made you like that because so that you can serve. I'm sorry. She made you like that. You can serve. You have to serve. You have to go build the thing. What do we say? We don't build. Not anymore, you know, because you've lost God. Yeah. No, I found God and I still can't use a hammer. Wait. Does anything get to do? Yeah. You have one like slice like life's formless, I would assume. It's formless. Yeah. Or like an elephant. But yeah. But the avatars of love God or yeah, that's also a man. Is Ganesh a man? Mm-hmm. Basically, your goddesses, though, looks me as a goddess, a goddess of wealth. Hmm. So there are goddesses. But come on. But they're goddesses because they're married to goddesses. They are there with men. Oh really? No, no, no, they're goddesses. But they always have these like, these trists with like- You think it's a guy? No. It's consciousness. I think it's love. Everybody pure goodness. That's not religious. You're not religious. Everybody thinks that there's consciousness. Everybody knows that everything's in heaven and in heaven. Oh man. Bro, stop it. I like that. I like that you have a heartache. I don't like when people say they're religious and they just believe what every single person believes. Yeah, absolutely. You're a hardcore Catholic. Well, he's manifested as a guy in Jesus, right? Heavenly wife. Oh, you're Jesus guy. Yeah, group Catholic. You know that Jesus is just a guy who did a good job? No, he definitely, definitely was that. But you think he died for your sins and all that? No, you don't. He does. He does. He does. He does. And that's okay. Stand on it. Ten to us. No, no, no. Let me ask you a question. Oh, heavenly. Fill that blank in. Oh, heavenly. Father. Yeah. Interesting. Why no mother? Why not? Oh, heavenly, non-binary. He was kind of intuitively known as a woman, right? Like a little bit. I mean it. No. Really? You really don't? No. What defects? Oh, the period wants a month. What a fucking miserable existence. The period is not supposed to happen. It's supposed to bring life. Like God. Yeah, that's what he tells you also because you don't say you don't get mad and not believe in him. You guys think that God has a penis and balls instead of boobs. Yes. God, let's talk about the yeast infection. The UTI. You have said it. Discussing balls. And what? Wash them right off of us. We have to enjoy ourselves. God has balls. Oh, yeah. They smell good to me. But I know like objectively it's a bad smell, but I don't know. Oh, you kind of sniff it. Yeah. Kind of kind of kind of every time. But I think God has vagina like menstruates. I don't believe in God, but I think if there was a God, it would definitely be a woman. You think God would give herself a period. I think God would. Is that rain? God. Yeah. Every damaged rain. I think God is shedding his. If God was a woman, God wouldn't have her period because she would be constantly giving birth. It'd be birth of life, you know. I think the blood is, you know. And make pregnancy that painful. You guys think they do anything. Make your vagina split open. That's it. I want a female God. Do that to you. Because, oh, you think we're being punished. Yeah. No, no. God gave us the easy life because he's one of us. You know what I'm saying? That's the homie. Stupid, stupid. You don't do anything. God does everything. God has a complicated existence of birth and blood and pain and suffering. God takes on a lot of shit. You guys are drone bees. You're just drone bees. You just give semen. You're not supposed to do anything. You're not supposed to be a part of the child's life. She'd go out hunt, drag it back and we go, go, go, go. Like we raise the children. I know. It's possible. It's possible. She definitely likes men more. If God is a woman, I can land on that. She knows you can't handle shit. If you guys bled every, what you do. Oh yeah. I can't record this week in my period. W. Yeah. That would be. We would complain all the time. Yeah. But that's why she did that. She had to, she just because she gives up. It's like saying an ant is God. Like an ant doesn't know shit, right? An ant doesn't bleed and an't doesn't do anything. Right? God is not an ant. God. That's an interesting point. Right. A bacteria or whatever. A mosquito. How come your life sucks then? Because it's complicated. Way more complicated being a woman. Way more pressure. Way more responsibility. Exactly. Because we're literal gods. To give her a point, like God gives us. Of course you got it. But God gives us out of battles to strong people. What is it? What is it? Yeah. God gives his strongest test. His toughest test was strong. Yeah. How are you guys tested? Oh, you can't come today. We're going to deal with y'all. Yeah. Yeah. That is tough. That is a fucking great counter. That is really tough. Yeah. But also mentoring life. Like without men, when you guys, when how many babies? Right. That's true. Right. So like, I really truly don't believe that God is a person or that there is a God. I think we know what there is. You know what it is. Nobody actually believes in God. Nobody actually. Come on. Do you believe in God? No. No, but we've been just the higher power. Yeah. Same. What is that? That's God. The higher power is that there's something that knows more than us. Yeah. It could be the energy of the world. It could be yourself. Like, do you guys try to define like make it a person or make it a being? Like I don't make it a being? Yeah. There's a way it's a being or else it could be an ant or mosquito. No. Yeah. It's when you trip hard balls and you go, oh my god, I'm such an idiot. We are all connected. Everything is all of the same. I'm fairly certain all religions at the end of they God is three things was omnipotent omnipresent omniscient. So omnipresent is everywhere and that can't be a form that can't have a male form or a female form. Yeah. But if it was fun, it would definitely be a man. No way. You guys don't know anything. You're not you can you can only think about one thing as a time. Women can think about everything. All we think about everything. We have to overthink. We're dealing with humanity. Some might say you're so smart. We're on good. No. You're kind of woman get hook a baby from their room up to their boob while they're fucking juggling a million other things. They're dealing with your wack ass. They do and not be like that is a fucking mess. I'm so impressed. I'm like, I'm like, I've been such an inferior creature. The only way we're inferior is we have we have a built-in thing in our brain that tells us that we need you. Yeah, that is true. It's ruins us. Ruins us. If we had if we could unlock that thing that goes, I actually don't need a man, but that's very built-in or else you would guys would be completely insignificant. I mean, we would hang out with you, but we would not mate with you. We would not. Men were for years. We were like, yeah, we don't need women. Like women are just for kids and then we hang out with each other. And that's how it was for probably all of humanity. It doesn't talk about the history of those women, but they were chilling. They were chilling, dude. Roman Empire women. Oh my god, raising a raising one kid and a fucking epicurean garden together. So much better. If you guys are into that, I think we get all agree to that. I can't everybody. Yeah. Who would love to see all of the ones that change it? No, God, you fuckers did it. No, you guys are just not working. Yeah. Like doing stuff. No, you guys said one partner forever and monogamy and all of that relationship. Yeah. We didn't see you guys like Christians. Yeah, Christians. But when in Christian world, there's men and women who's separate and it's everyone has. Oh, it's your male God up there telling us what to do. Yeah. I don't believe in one partner for me, for her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I believe in that. Just but she made more money than me than you know, maybe we'll go the other way. You could be in awe of the mess and still have women raised the children together. You could do it Mexican style. Mexican style, dude. She's got like a fast food order. Is it Mexican style? Double, double Mexican style. Little Mexican guy comes in and прогnates the woman and then she has nine kids that she raised with her abuela, her mom, her, you know what I mean? It's all one troop and a bunch of other Mexican ladies while they do stuff with corn. Yeah, and the stitch and the stitch thing. You stitch stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is nice. And they go off and roof. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. I mean, I was thinking about every powerful dude in history, like up until recently, had a harem, right? If you're in a king, you had like multiple women and concubines. That's still how it is Epstein. Well, that's the thing. What happened? What happened is that now there's too many people to have power. Back in the day, it was one dude per country. Yeah. It was only one guy per country and he had a harem and it worked. But now with capitalism, everyone can get money. If you have enough money, then you can get a harem. So now everyone's got harems. I think a harem is fine. So long as they're, it's at their own will, you can have a harem. Yeah. I guess how many is a harem? Like plus, like three plus. Three plus, yeah, I would say. Yeah. I haven't even say three. Do I have to emotionally be there for any of them? No, the whole point of the harem is that you're not love that. Yeah. That's awesome. Spartan had like them chained up. No, that's not. Come on. They need to be able to get the fuck out of my face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to hear about you. They got to go shower. Yeah. And they would all hang with each other. I'm pretty sure. Like all the girls, like they would that's galovant around that. Do Cleopatra have a harem of men? Was there any women? I don't be okay with men. Her having a harem of men. She's very powerful. I doubt it. Let's look at that. I think that's fair. We don't want that. We don't want that many of you guys around across. Yeah. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I don't know. I just don't think women are just thinking. That we are. She'll allegedly kept an entire harem of handsome young men, says one historical source. And then there's another historical source that says no, not at all. We're going to go with, yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. Women are just effective. And that dude, Frieda Kahlo had was like in love with her husband. Whatever his name was. What was his name? Whatever. The famous painter. And her whole thing was like, don't ever be too attached to your husband. And then he fucked her sister. And she just like begged for him back or something and got like spined a biff in her. Something like that. There's no. If women could just get rid of that little defect, we would be the best. Yeah. Because that unit brow, man. She's got it plugged in. She's ready for it. She's ready for it. She's ready for it. Her predecessor. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. That was the tricky thing with second wave feminism is that y'all were like, oh, we're just going to be men. But y'all didn't want to be men. You want to be women in charge. But instead, women were like, oh, we're going to be. I miss second wave. I don't know the waves to be honest with you. I miss the hair. I miss the hair. The waxing is getting crazy. I thought it was so hot when women had the vaginal hairs, armpit hair and stuff. Oh, the armpit hair. I don't mind armpit hair. I think it's kind of attractive. Because it's never that much. It's like always the smallest little thing. It's like feminine. It's like womenly armpit hair. It doesn't get bushy. Not like hair. No. Oh, okay. One woman with leg hair is like, it's not like, if they're just like, see? Do you shave your legs? No. Like that's what you know what I mean? Yeah, that's okay. Right. It's nothing there. But that's what it is. Yeah. But the pubes that becomes afro. It depends. Like that gets bushy. Yeah, it depends. But we don't really like it to be that bushy. We like to keep it trim. Yeah. But I do think hair needs to come back. It is crazy. And I think second wave feminism, where we were trying to be men, I agree with you, we were cutting our hair. But there's also something about being a man that's actually more comfortable. Like you guys have a more comfortable existence. Yeah. Right. All existence is being comfortable. Yeah. Right. So us being a man means like, we were trying to be comfortable. And now people are thinking they're feminists. And I'm like, I don't know if you can be a feminist in the high heels. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I mean, I guess you can. Because you get to do whatever you want. Because you're a woman. And I'm learning this. That you're a woman. I can't say women are a feminist, even though they're being a woman. But sometimes, sometimes the heels. You're saying women don't want to take accountability? Yeah. Yeah. But I think there's certain traits of men that women didn't want to be a part of. But they thought that like men like like like CEOs, like there's like no empathy, they're like narcissists. And so when we're like, oh, we'll do that. And then they were like, I don't want to fire this person that has to take care of their kid. Right. And then they were like, well, I have this pantsuit on, so I have to do it. I just feel like men, you guys should do so much stuff. But I do think that the overall leader should be a woman. I do think it, the lawyers and the cutthroat people and the engineers find being men. But the president, I do think should be a woman. It should be the hive keeper. Okay. Tell me about this. Well, I think senators and all that, all the drone bees, honestly, should be men. But I think the overall leader should be somebody who can operate with empathy, with, you know, with all of the things that women can do. Okay. And foresight and future thinking and obsessive thoughts. That should be president. Right? Like somebody who's going to be like, I'm not opposed to matriarch does a good job. Matriarch does do a good job. And I just think that, yeah, I think the military, the defense person man, you know what I mean? The head of engineer man, you know what I mean? But the one, the hive leader that's like, you guys need to eat enough protein today. Like, you can't have cookies for dinner. The host is with the most. That should be a woman. The one, you know what I mean? The one who's like, you can't, you have to have a new pillar case. You have to get a new goal. There's something to do that because we all have acknowledged the president doesn't really do shit. And so if, like, it's just going to be kind of a figurehead, having a woman that's kind of able to be diplomatic and nice. Yeah. Yeah. And not want to see kids die. Yeah. You know, I think this is an easy sell. I bet you can get people on board this. No, yeah. I think this is a very sellable thing. I'm not really about the easy sales if you haven't noticed. I bury those down. It's the really fucked up sales that I'm interested in getting people. That's why we love you, dude. That's what makes you so funny. Yeah. That's true. Jordan, anything else you want to plug before we go? We got B&E. RIP. Watch RIP. It's more philosophy based podcast. Watch B&E and it's a silly, silly podcast. Take me with you. It's my special go fucking watch it right now. Go stream it on Netflix. Can I ask you one last thing? Yeah. Just a story that I think would be good to kind of end on. You did stand up at your father's funeral. Did I? Is that true? I'm on accident. Can you tell us what happened? Oh, whoa. My father's funeral. I had just started stand up and I was supposed to be, I was supposed to just be like giving a speech about how sad I was that my dad died, but I ended up just throwing bits out at everybody. And what I say when I do stand up, I start roasting people. Everybody, I talk to, I kept doing bits because I had pushed down the fact that my dad died. And so I couldn't, I remember I was wearing the blazer that I was wearing at the time doing stand up. And like, for instance, there were this all of my doubts. that's ex-girlfriends were there. And one of them was like, I dated Jack. Like they were meeting each other and I was standing with them and one was like, I was dating Jack in the spring of '91 to the fall and the other girl was like, wait, I was also dating Jack in the spring of '91. And I just walked up to them and like put my arms on and went, what are you guys gonna do? Kill 'em and walk the way through. And I was doing that everywhere, dude. And it was crazy. I couldn't stop cracking jokes about the Viagra that my dad had and all the weed. And it was, yeah, it was inappropriate. It was inappropriate. And we had a coping, dude. He had a coping, yeah. And I had a giant pig roast at the funeral, but I didn't know how to like dress it or pull it or anything. So it just looked like we were at a pig's funeral. It was so bad. It was like in the middle. My dad was cremated, so there was no body. So it was just all of us gathered around this dead pig and being like, we loved him. It was really big, dude. It was crazy. Jordan Jensen, guys. Thank you so much. Thank you.