Jordan Jensen & Jon Rudnitsky - Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

[MUSIC] >> What are we doing here? What is this? This is fucking weird. >> [LAUGH] >> Are you joking? >> I'm joking. >> I don't get a podcast. >> I don't get podcasts. >> Yeah, podcasts are over here. >> No, yeah, how you guys doing? >> Hey, John, Jordan, good to have you here. >> Hey, it's for having me. >> We're going, we're going. >> We're going, it's going down. >> Oh, this is such a good day. I was going to do this pod and I was like, I'm going to do it. It'll be good and then Matt Texan was like, what did you be okay with John doing it also? >> Oh, yeah. >> I was good, I was good. >> He's the bad. I always said we've got to bring John on to keep the views low. >> That's the plan. >> It is true. >> Rick Glassman always tells me I get the least amount of views. >> No, no, no. >> Which honestly means a lot that he continues to have me on. >> That's a good point. >> Yeah, and now it's more. >> It means more. >> Well, then we like to go cheerity. >> You don't have to put me in the thumb. >> No, I had a feminist on that got lower than you. >> Hey. >> That means a lot. >> They're a lot of fun. >> Yeah, it's cool. >> You got a male audience. >> I guess. I think I have, it's leaning female now that the special was so period heavy. >> It was a weird piece. >> It was blood. >> Yes, yes, I should have named it that. >> Come on. >> The next one. >> Yeah, it was a bloody mistake. >> Fuck, fuck. >> I mean, I'm here promoting John's special. >> Yeah, special? >> I got a special coming out. >> Yes. >> It's not a normal special. It's me performing to half empty rooms. It's also a documentary. It starts at 25 on SNL, achieving my dreams. And then 10 years later, I'm 35. And I'm performing in a conference room in Kenosha, Wisconsin to about 30. >> You know who was born in Kenosha, Wisconsin? >> Jeffrey Dahmer. >> Orson Wells. >> Oh! >> There you go. >> Who do you know that, God? >> I love Orson Wells. >> Okay. >> It's fun. >> I love Kenosha, Wisconsin. >> Yeah. >> I'm a Kenosha head. >> This is very similar to Citizen Kane. >> Yes. >> You're going to love it. >> Nobody bought it. >> I'm putting it on YouTube. So you were filming this at SNL, well, as a hopes of this being a different time. >> No, no, no, no. >> It's just like that's, we-- >> John has a comically bad life. >> I have a comically bad life. >> Really bad life. >> That's a good title for the special. >> He has like a loving family and a wonderful apartment and nice people around him and a beautiful girlfriend. And then his life on the road is like the worst thing you've ever had. >> Yeah. >> It's like just chaos. >> I managed to make it bad. I had a terrible agent for a very long time. This guy's still. >> No, you say yes to shit that's-- >> I do, I say-- >> Is it still still in the biz? >> No, he's not, and according to LinkedIn, he has a company called Throw It Hard Entertainment. >> Throw it up, throw it hard. >> Throw it hard entertainment, I just know I do it. >> They're producing Mark in my movie. >> Yeah, right. >> It's a Throw It Hard production. >> But he would just-- >> Oh, I remember this guy, he used to rep Phil. >> You know this guy, right? >> Yeah, this guy that would call you and be like-- >> He would feel handling. >> Oh, really? >> Yeah. >> He would be like, we're going to get to-- >> We're going to go along for the first time I've seen him. >> Well, we face time to one's when we first work together and then never again. But he would just periodically yell at me. I'd be like, I don't want to go here. And he'd be like, yeah, I'm not your mommy. You're not a baby. You're going. >> I like this guy. >> He would really yell at me. >> Wow. >> I go, there's a hurricane coming. >> By the way, those are-- >> I like to do this. >> Those are true though. >> I'm not a meteorologist. >> [laughs] >> You do it in the game. >> He tried to rep me and he called me. He was like, I see you as a tough lady cop on law and order. And I was like, yeah, I know. Okay, I know. I don't want to do that. >> He just called you out of the blue to tell you that. >> He just wanted, he was, that was like his allure. Was that he could get me on law and order. >> Oh, that's fun. >> It was fun. >> As a guest spot. >> As like a, that was like his big prize. Was like, guess what, guess what I could do for you. >> Well, he was very hungry. Like, you know, as far as getting a gig within the gig would be bad. He's like, I'm routing you in Montana. And then you get to like a bar. >> He's hungry because it needed him to wait. >> It's right. >> And then I get to the bar in Montana. And they'd be like, oh, we didn't know you were coming. And I'm like, we have no microphone. >> We have no microphone. >> He's like, I thought you brought your own. I went with Mikey Rowling. >> Yeah. >> He goes, sorry, we've never done this before. Your agent's just like, wow, you brought Mike. >> He's a TV star. Why are you bringing him down? >> God damn it. >> There's so many things. >> Because he was living out of the main end of the show. >> Okay, yeah. >> You just did a show that was super bad. >> Yeah. >> Where they were bullied, dude. >> It's all, yeah, so every time I call you, you have a network show and I, yeah, we're show. >> You were on curb, though. >> I was young Larry for Christchurch. >> We auditioned for, come on. >> Mark was up for that same role. >> But then you got cursed by a witch. >> Those credits have lambs would be nowhere, apparently. >> Yeah, I mean, that's not supposed to get, it's not a stepping stone. >> Hey. >> How was that young Larry? You're the way too hot. >> Well, you know, it's, yeah, it's a very inflated ego. >> Yeah, no, it's, it's, it's, you know, it was the sitcom. >> I see. >> That was like the, I was like the annoying actor version. >> God, I got it. >> And I was like, damn, look at that guy. >> Now how did you get that up? >> Because we, I did a, I really, I suck at auditions, but I went all in. I hired a guy, him, and he filled me. We dressed up, we did the part, we went to a location, we had props, nothing. How did you do it? >> I actually-- >> I auditioned for young Larry? >> Yeah. >> Wow. >> That's, I did it with my buddy, Jake Goldwich. >> You're not Jewish. >> Who is the winner? >> That might have been him. >> But I wrote out, I look more Jewish than him. >> I wrote out the audition. Like, I knew what would annoy Larry. I'm like, I wrote the scene like I thought it would go down. >> That's the Jewish style. >> He's like, oh, I'm going to be method. I'm going to be like, which might call me Larry. >> I'm like all that stuff. >> Feels like that would infuriate him. >> Yeah, I just knowing what would infuriate him. That's what I did. >> Now how is having Larry David as a girlfriend dead? >> I mean, he's my hero, so it is pretty surreal to like, you know, be staying at the house and coming to the kitchen. And he'd be like, Johnny Boron. >> Wow. >> Johnny John's awake, you know? >> Crazy. >> And the thing is, I'm such a fan of his. And it's like, he's so much a part of my comedy language. And like the way that I speak that it's like when he talks, I can't help but be like, of course. >> How about these potatoes, huh? >> Yeah. >> You know, like, I can't help that. >> I've had that with people who rip off Norman's cadence. And I had a camera guy once on the road. And he kept talking like Norman. And Peter and I were like, I can't fucking take this. Every time we leave the room, like he's doing Norman. >> He's you. >> You got a fire that guy. >> Well, it's the guy that opens you, the Indian Norman. >> Oh, dark Norman. >> Dark Norman. >> Yeah, that's what we call it. >> Wait, but was he doing it before you? >> I gave him a guest set 20 years ago. And he sounded like that. And everybody at the show was like, what's going on here? >> Because we did the Orlando comedy fest together. And I remember that guy being a headliner. But I think he's been doing comedy longer than you. >> No, I don't think so. >> But you're doing him. >> Maybe a dog in our green room. He barks like Norman, barks like Norman, very nice. >> There he is, Raj Balani. Funny guy, check him out. >> Of course you're right, he's doing it. >> Yeah. >> I agree, right? Good delivery. >> Yeah. >> He's not from the Indian thing, he's great. >> Yeah, right. >> That's a guy. >> Do you hear kids doing you? >> Kids? >> Like, you know, young comics? >> Only one who's a wife's out of town. >> All right, yeah. >> I didn't know what you were talking about there. >> Are kids doing you? >> I had a car race, you're not doing me with my wife's out of town, yeah. I had a guy at an open, I ran into an open wife to get a set in one time and a kid goes, I'm Kevin Hart. At the end, and I was like, whoa, whoa. I had to shut him down. I had to chat with him. >> Season to 6 letter. >> It happened to me, I had to chat with a girl who did my thing. >> What'd you do? >> What'd you do? >> Did you period stuff? >> I don't want to out her, but she did something that I do all the time on stage. It's like a thing, and I had to be like, hey, I've been doing this before you were born, babe. You can't do it. >> Ooh. >> She didn't delete the clip. >> Which is fine. >> She didn't delete the clip, but she said she heard you. >> Huh? >> She said she heard you? >> Yeah. >> You understood. >> And my step-brother commented. >> Oh, and tags in the comic? >> Yeah. >> Wow. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Exactly on a cally. >> Huh? Sorry. >> Oh, I don't know. I haven't checked. >> What's she doing? >> But I don't mind. You can do, there's a lot of people doing the girl. You know what I mean? But when you do the overt, it's exactly like the Kevin Hart. >> Yes. >> It's the same exact thing. >> That's all mine all day. >> Well, it's worse with you, but it's like your essence, right? >> Huh? >> I mean, didn't someone accuse-- >> Steve Burnett. >> Yeah. >> I'm dead. >> I'm dead. >> Cokercue Steve Burnett. >> Yes. >> I'm stealing that. >> It's a funny thing to accuse them. >> Which is crazy, because they are nothing alike. >> The essence is open to be stolen. When I started coming, I used to watch Louis constantly before I went on stage and then I would go on stage because I had confidence because I could just basically mimic him. Like young comics are all doing that. >> Right. >> You're pretending to be someone until you're viewing. >> Yeah, but when you're a hotter, younger version of me, you can't be doing my essence. >> Oh, you can't be doing it. >> You can't be doing it. >> If you're a boy, rip me off. >> God. >> But no, you can't be a girl. You can't, and I'll kill myself. >> That's fair. >> We can replicate your mental illness. >> We hone these things, though, we cultivate our things. And so when someone takes them, it's like, whoa, this is my meal ticket. What do you do? >> Yeah, I don't mind essence, but the direct rip-off, I can't. >> I would do. >> That will say something. >> I mean, haven't heard your essences are so out there that it's obvious at this point. I think if anyone's trying to copy, so that's good. >> But it was a bit that this person took? >> It was like a thing that I do during crowdwork every time, where I like, like a movement that I do. And then like a very overt movement. Is it the tongue out thing? >> No, that's, no, but there is a girl in it. Whatever, it's fine. >> Oh, jeez. >> But no. >> Who the hell is working overtime right now? >> It was like a very clear, like, oh, you've literally seen me do this thousands of times. >> Right. >> And you're doing it. It doesn't make any sense to do, I do it because I'm insane. And then I saw it. >> Interesting. >> And now I'm gonna be studying your ex. >> I'll tell you, I'll just tell you after. >> Okay, great. >> Yeah. >> I don't want to watch your ex. >> I just don't want to hurt this person's feeling. >> Well, I mean, how many Shane young guys you see doing this? A lot of, like, a lot of this. >> Yeah. >> That's very Shane. >> The horn behind the back. >> Which Nate did first. >> But that's such a comfortable, it's so hard to have your own posture there. There's only so many things you can do there with the mic. >> That is, that's Shane. >> And this, the head up. >> Head up, eyes up. That's a good one. >> I at one point on stage did that. And I was like, and I was like, you have to never do that again. >> Yeah. >> It felt so. So, but it's so funny to be a silly-- - It's very funny. - But yeah, it's really hard. And it's like, I was talking to Nikki Glazer about this test right, she was like, I can't, if I watch people, I'm just mimic it. And I was like, if I go up after somebody, I'm like, did I just say-- - I know. - It's really tough. - When I first went on the road, I was opening for Santino and I didn't know what I was doing. And I ended up slowly, I think, trying to speak like that. - Right. - You can't help it. - Nikki watched my special before she did hers and she said they had to cut out like 150 dudes. (laughs) - I don't say dude, why am I doing it? But I do the exact same thing. Like with Louis, I'll just pick up the word like, like, ridiculous or something like. - Right. - I'm just saying it. - Totally. - Or like, that doesn't matter. He always says matter a lot. - He does say matter, I get, oh, norms over here. I was at the bar over here. He always is over here for some reason, or over to the Canadian. - Very Canadian, and I'll catch myself going over there. I'm walking over here. - But you don't say that in life. - Not really, no. - So I have to tamp it down. - It's a crutch. You're literally like, this is how I can get by. Think about how often you say fuck in a new joke. - Right. - You have no confidence in that. - Yeah, yeah, that's so cool. - Was that this fucking, and you're like, I don't mind, you're talking about sponges. Why do I keep saying fuck? - Yeah. - I think it's cool that you can trace people back. Like you can trace John to Larry David. You can trace you to Norm. You can trace Joe to Norm. Like it's cool that you can like find people's origins. - Yeah, it's pretty clear. I think everyone knows who you were doing. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's why it's so cool. And you see a guy you're like, whoa, never seen anyone like this. Like Norm, who did he sound like? - Well, he was a first. - Yeah. - You know, that's what you want to be. You want to be like an original. - It's a newer thing though. - Exactly, like a headbird. - Stand up is not that old. - The way modern stand up is at least. - Who do you watch? - A tell, danger field. - Right. - Right. - Those were, yeah, Geraldo I loved. - Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. - Yeah, that makes sense. - Yeah. - See him in the gumbo. - When he was Louis and Robin Williams. - Whoa. - I see Robin's little combo there. - Yeah, yeah, it's a weird combo. - When he does the he-dow on the arm, that's all you. - Yeah, it's all me. - Hold that up. - Yeah. - I love that clip. - Yes, I love that. - He's got some gold rubble. - It's big for me too. - His golf bit is amazing. It's like eight minutes long. - Oh, yeah. - My mom went and saw him when I was a kid. And I was like, you saw Robin Williams. How was it? She goes too dirty. - All right. - I love that you reduce him to that. - I know. - Two words. That's what they'll call us for. - Same. - New cut. Yeah, easy. - I want to say it's like a kid. - Look at me. I'm goo boy. What are you doing? - Is this the eating out? - Oh, great. - That's right, quirky. It's time to saddle up or head and south on the border. - Oh, so good. - You got to please mess it. All right. One question for the ladies. Do we look like this? (laughing) (audience cheering) - We're here. We're working out. (audience cheering) - That's eating out a little bit. - Yeah. - Is that what you think? - That's what you think. - Yeah, and then you get the desperate eyes looking up sometimes. - The Shane Gillis face? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Is it approval? - Yeah. - I found your clip. (laughing) - Good time. - Nice to meet you. - Can I ask you about, so the beginning of this doc, so you're getting you getting thrown off SNL, basically. But you're showing the highs and then followed by the lows? - Yes. - Exactly. - What was that like? I mean, achieving your dream. I heard you got it from that. It was the dirty dancing. - The dirty dancing. - Yeah, great. - Yeah, great pants. - And you did it as a process of getting SNL. You did that at what? Montreal. Do you do it for more? - Yeah, so I mean, I had gotten an audition for, or call back for new faces, but I wasn't that good at standup. I was only like, I was opening for Santino, but I was like two years in, you know. - Wow. - And so I was like, oh, I'm supposed to do the jokes that I already did for the original audition. But what if I do this dance bit that I tried at like a small show? Because this feels at least like, they'll remember me, but I'm still not going to get JFL. - Yeah. - And so I just did this dance. And then I got JFL doing that dance. - Whoa. - And then SNL was there, and then they invited me to audition. And then I got, and I was the only new cast member. - Whoa. - So it was like, I rode this one bit all the way to the show. And then I got to the show and they're like, what else you got? That was it. - Oh, wow. - I thought you guys like, right for me. - How old were you? - You know, 25. - Wow. - Oh, it was just a boy. - Oh, I was very scared all the time. - I'm sure. - Everything immediately, but it can be, it can be bad. - Well, this was the biggest lesson of it. It was like, yeah, you think you want the thing, especially when you're not good. Now it's like, I'm trying to like take my time because I know that I'm not as good as I'll be, you know? - How long do you less? Could I ask? - One season, one season. - How intimidating was that room? - Well, so intimidating. Because you're like, Tuesday night, you've got to write something for a Wednesday table read. And it's not anyone's best interest to write with you. Because they want to get on the show. - Yes. - So they're going to write something for Keenan or Kate McKinnon or whoever. - She felt like you didn't have allies. - I didn't have a lot of allies. - Yeah. - So a lot of times I'd be writing alone. And I didn't know what I was doing. - Right. - And then I'm reading the thing I wrote at like 5 a.m. the next day in a table read and from everyone I admire, you know, and a movie star. Like Trump hosted, he's not somebody I admire. But he was there the fourth week of work. And I bombed so hard I could hear the protesting 17. - Wow. - You know, like that's like-- - Did you do this in front of Trump? - Get John. - Yes, I bombed in front of Trump. - Holy shit. - Now he's bombed in front of the country. - He named me Polar. I bombed, you know. What Larry hosted was the one week I did dirty dancing. So I was like, thank God. - Okay. - I've only had good experiences in front of Larry. Thank God. But like-- - Damn. - I bombed in front of him. - Oh yeah. - Everybody who gets out of there is like a war veteran. - And it's also like now. Now it feels like there's so many other things. But at that time, it still felt like SNL's the only thing that matters. - Now how easy was it to get laid by being on SNL? You go up to a girl to bar, you go, "Hey, I have the new cast member." - I think a part of my problem was I was also like, "Well, I didn't know what I was doing." And I was like, "Well, but I'm also like kind of famous." - Sure. - I wasn't really on the opening. - But like, Raya, you know, I just started. - Oh! - And it was like, you know. - You don't clean it up? - Still only letting in like 10 guys. - Yes, yes, wow. - And then we get on there. And so yeah, I would like show up to an SNL party with like my friends from New Jersey and like, Raya date. And I was an idiot. I was like an idiot. And my mom. And it was just like-- - You didn't utilize it? - Yeah, they were like, "You gotta stop showing up with Raya date and five friends every week." And, you know, I was an idiot. So that part of it, I wasn't joining that aspect of it, but probably too much. - Yeah, I see. - I was acting, you know, like-- - Like a 25-year-old. - Like a 25-year-old. - Do you remember the bits? - Like I was crushing, you know. - Yeah. - It's one thing to like, if you're doing well, if you're, you know, like Pete could do that. - Sure, sure. - He was doing well. - Like me showing up. Like it was my show every week when I didn't have anything on was kind of ridiculous. - But we forget about like Ralph Barbosa. I saw him getting trouble. He was doing donuts at a core vet or something. And everybody's like, "Oh, he's slipping. He's losing." I'm like, "No, he's being a 20-year-old." - Yeah. - When I was 20, but I just didn't have any money. - Yeah. - He's got millions of dollars. - They fucked up Montreal so bad. This year, the SNL couldn't get in to see the new faces. - Come on. - Yeah. Like they oversold the show. So all these kids are like going up and doing new-- I mean, they're not kids, whatever. But they're doing new faces. And SNL was waiting outside and being like, "You guys aren't for real. I'm not going to let us." We're SNL. - They got to go up in front of the bookers of Gobanana. It's been not one of Michael's. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Wow. - So they get to-- - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's why they go there. It's for that. - I know. - That's-- - Yeah. - Yeah. - Good job, JFL. That's the worst thing you've ever done. - Do you remember pitching anything? So you're sitting on my bomb in front of like Tina Fey, Amy Pol. - Yeah. - Do you remember what you pitched? That was just-- - I don't remember to them. I just remember I did something at a table that bombed. I remember there was something with Ryan Gosling. Where I said like, "I'm a dying soldier." And you say that you're going to tell my wife that I love her. And I said, "I don't care about my wife. She just kissed me." - Oh, man. - And like, it kind of got-- - You just wanted to kiss Ryan Gosling. - A couple of juggles. Yeah, exactly. And then Ryan was like, "Yeah, I don't want to do that." - Oh. - And then that got big laughs. - Oh. - Oh. - That's the worst. - Yeah. - That's how you know a kind of funny scenario is that him rejecting you is kind of funny. - I was like, "You're in corporate debt." - Yeah. - I'm good on that. And I was like, "Yeah, all right." And then he came into my office later and he was like, "Actually, it reminds me of a canteen boy. I think that would be good." And then we did our table and it ate shit. - Damn it. - I was so nervous, you know? - Of course. - And then also, it was so bad as like how I was socially because I was so-- I felt so scared all the time that I couldn't even talk to people either. So like, then my-- - And look how far you've come. - Come on. - Yeah. - All of a sudden, you're better, right? - Yeah, yeah, you're better. - I'm freaking out a little less. - But then it still would be wonderful. - The other day I went to your house and you were at the three stories up and I walked through the door and you go, "Jordan." And I was like, "Yeah." And you go, "I'm scared." And I was like, "Why?" And you go, "Just everything. Just everything is scary." And I was like, "All right. I'll be up. I'm coming up." It's definitely made everything seem a little easier. And I was like, "Just be the scariest. The scariest." - Sure. You started up in the gauntlet. - You lost your virginity to a supermodel. - Yeah. - And now you're just not scared, really. It's true. - Yeah. - I mean, you couldn't get it hard. It was a short virginity, but-- - I couldn't get hard, and I came too late. - Yeah. - It's a weird combo. But somehow it happened. - I don't ride a gauntlet. (laughs) - But that's crazy. That's a crazy life experience. - Crazy run. - Oh, yeah. It was insane. And then it forced me. Because of SNL, I was able to headline. - Nice. - Because I wasn't on the show for very long. - Yeah. - The gigs are so bad. And so-- - And you had no idea. [BLANK_AUDIO] I had no acts at the time, but then it forced me to get good at really bad shows. So then I figured with this special, I was like, what if I just shoot my special at these bad shows, because I think I'm better at, I think it's really good shows. Great call. So I was like, let's just bring a crew. Let's bring more crew members than there are audiences to these shows and just show you now. It's also cool, because you can like, as a comic, like show this, show his movie to your family and be like, this is what? Yeah. This is what I experienced, the like hotel, the fucking dreariness of it, the weird club booker that wants to talk too long. Yeah. It's like all of the sad payout that's sharing the hotel room with my open. Don't tell me you put the payout in the special. Oh yeah. Oh my god. Good for you. We want to see Jesus on the cross. Put in the hell yeah. See, this is funny, because every uncle and aunt's like, why don't you do SNL? Why don't you do SNL? I'm like, look at him. I can just show them your sad documentary. Yeah. This is why I do SNL. Yeah. Crazy cut. I'm doing a one-nighter off the hook and they don't pay me on the hook. Oh, the hook. That's been a big staple in my stand-up, his Naples Florida. Yeah. Yeah. We have the opposite. Me and Sam have directly opposite things that we like. All the clubs he likes, I despise. What do you like? Just tell me something. I hate Tampa. I hate sidesplitters. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I hate it. I hate it. You take that disrespect out of the spot cast. I hate it. I don't know. I've done the one in St.P. The coastal one. Ooh, sidesplitters is a classic. It's, every time I do it, I leave bummed out. Really? Yeah. The couples, the lifestyle, the weird people that are trapped there, they can't really. I take my last special in Tampa. Really? Yeah. Tampa Peter, baby. But this is what I'm saying. So what do you like? Give me one that you love. Um, I like weird stuff. I like, um, what's the one that's outside of Chicago? The vault? Shomburg. Oh, the vault. I love the vault. I love the vault. I love the vault. The vault? The vault's great. Yeah, what a last date. That was my last date. Do you show some of the highs? Or is it strictly low? What did we look at? I mean, it's just the tour that Stu booked for me. So, you know, Stu, so one of them is the Kenosha comedy club, which is inside of a Windom Garden. Hell yeah. Um, I'm playing the garden. Yeah. I did Helium and Philly, which was a good one. That's a great club. It's a good room. Jordan is, too. I don't like it. Really? That's a great club. I know. Oh, I don't like it that much. You guys like Helium Buffalo? Yes. No. Buffalo is a good crowd. I like it. The theater and Buffalo is the most fun I've ever had. The Helium. I don't. I did the theater that one. I like a lot of the Heliums, though. I like one of my favorites. It's Addison Improv. Love that one. I like Addison. That's a great club. That's a great club. Um, what is the name of another Improv? What about like Philly? I mean, a set of six, since go punchline. Great. Great. Yeah. Like comedy works. Amazing. Great. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Just check him. What's a weird one? The attic is good. No. Comedy addict. You don't like it. I'm so happy that place. Didn't he get in trouble? I haven't been back in forever. I haven't been back in forever, because I've got Jerry. So this is it. Bloomington. Bloomington, Indiana. Yeah. He was, uh, I don't love when a guy is in the green room controlling the remote. Of course. Oh my god. I thought it was a lot. I don't like him, but I liked the room. Too well. Yeah. He hasn't, he hasn't. Yeah. He's done. Oh, he's done. He's done. He's done. Well, then maybe I can go out. It's always, it was ultra fucking, you know. I wasn't going to say that. But we can't even agree on words. No, but I, so there's people who are like crusaders and have like white nights and you're like, oh, you're that fucking creep. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I'm a Rachel would be texting me like, this guy's weird, right? I'm like, yeah. Yeah. She's like, I'm in the green room with her right now. He won't leave. I'm like, that's going to be the whole weekend. But I want to be okay. Before I got there. And like, I walked in and Jake was like, because we were late because of me, obviously. And then he like flipped out at Jake. He was like, you're wrong. And I made that. And then I had to flip out at him. And I was like, you don't get the fucking free. Good for you. I abused my openness. Yeah. No one else. I was like, well, late because of fucking me, you idiot. And he was like, yeah. So how many cities did you hit on this tour, John? 24 shows total. I did this, I did this, tell it the best riff on Eugene Oregon, he goes Eugene or as I call it, the town that make up forgot. Yeah. That's so good. I lost it. Damn. Good times. Now, let me ask you this. Just to change gears. If you, you're cooking right now. If you got SNL, you got people doing, no, no, no. If you got SNL tomorrow, you wouldn't take it as a cast member, full silver platter, bunch of money, cast member, guaranteed a year, no dice. I really like improv and acting and stuff. So that would be tempting, but I don't, I, the hours and stuff, it wouldn't, I wouldn't agree. I agree. I feel the same way. It's a job. And like, look, I have reverend stress and I'll just be in a New Yorker and I understand like it's such a cool thing, but I mean, you, you had a horrible experience there. I had horrible experience. I wouldn't trade for anything. And it was my dream, you know? Yeah. I'm so glad I got to do it. My dream is to host it. Yeah. At this point, that would be the dream. Mad TV would be my dream. In living color would have been my dream. But SNL. You an average Asian with Bobby Lee. Yeah. Now we're tall. Hell yeah. But SNL, it's a job. And I also have like the anti-authority thing. So I know that it'd be like, I actually think that's the people there like, when I was there, like Leslie or Pete, they were kind of like, fuck this place and that kind of helped them, you know? Interesting. Whereas like, if you're like, oh, Lauren, is it okay if I, then I'm like, get this guy out of here. Fear is bad. Fear is bad. Yeah. And I couldn't have been more fearful. Yeah. The hours are just kind of insane. I mean, Monday you go there and pitch Tuesday, you're writing all night Wednesdays, the table read. And now I got a deep thing, I'll just do it. It does have a different vibe. You should feel kind of counter-culturey and fun and like, we're staying up late. We're being bad. And now it kind of feels like, you better stay in line. Yeah. There's no cocaine there. Exactly. It's lost its edge. I was just kind of secretly taking Adderall, which probably made me, definitely made me even more nervous. Last thing you know, it's bad, it's like when you're taking drugs to benefit the show now. Right. It's like, it's like, you should be taking drugs and make it a mess. I don't know. Yeah. I will say if they were like, okay, SNL Newcast, we're grabbing people, we're grabbing, you know, Mikey Roland, John, Jordan, go, I would do it if I had a crew, but I'm not going in it. But the clicky shit is like real. That's what you hear. And it's like, oh yeah. But the clicky shit is like, that's what we grew up on, the like Adam Sandler, like the boys. Right. Yeah. That's what I would do. But I was like a freshman among seniors. I was like, I was the only new guy and everyone else had been there like eight years. Were people nice to you? Or was it just the cast was nice? Yeah. That's cool. The cast was for the most part nice, you know? The writers though, bunch of cuts. It sounds like it's so oppressive that they have to, you guys have to band together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I remember reading the book, Jay Moore's book and he said, Chris Farley, that new guy came in and he put a desk on the, our book on the desk and Chris Farley said, watch this jerked off, jizzed in the book, closed it just so the guy would find it later. And I'm like, that's yes and I want. Yeah. I want somebody jizzing my book. Yeah. But those days are over. I love that. That's your take or that's your take. Salish is just taking notes back there is like jack off and marks belongings. When I read that, I was like, that's hilarious. That's what you do to the new guy. Uh-huh. Yeah. And you could never do that now. You'd be alright. I think Harvey Weinstein did the same thing to people. Oh. No. We didn't jizzed a book. That's too funny. Yeah. Yeah. That was out of necessity though. Yeah. You have to throw it somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Jizz in my book. That's what I say. That's going to be the name of my book. Jizz in this. Yeah. And then you can't get it open. Yeah. Do you have any memories of other hosts who are like that you did connect with or is it mostly just kind of like, people just kind of going in and out. Miley hosted the first week and that actually went great. Who's Miley? Salish Irish. Oh, I don't know the first day on basis. It's like Hillary Duff. Can you believe her first name is just Hillary? Isn't that weird? She's like, you don't think it will be aired? Underrated hotly. By the way, Hillary Duff is very true. Is it? I mean, she's rated. I don't hear about Hillary. You're all swinging. Swinging. I want more Hillary. Let's get Hillary Duff. They're the younger ones preferably. Okay. Well. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Little Nick Jr. Yeah. Sounds racist for some reason. It's true. It's true about you with the kids. I know. But no, later. Later. She's underrated. - He was joking, Zellie. - Oh fuck. - Yeah, come on, come on, come on, come out here. You creeped up. - Whoa, you saved this. - I just said you got to the death top. - I'll keep that for later. - Yeah, he's dragged it to his Hillary death file. - Okay, your own files. - Oh, god. - No, get her top on here. - Come on, give me now. - No, no, no. - Okay, hold on. - No. - All right. - Oh, look at that one right there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Stop left. - There you go. - Ah, you're killing me. Worst Google bitch in the business. - Unbelievable, honestly. - Wow, scroll down. - Oh, hey, look at the ramp on Duffy. - That is a ramp. - She's becoming the workout queen. - Great. - Yeah. - Two kids, I believe, huh? - Yeah. - Yeah, one's John. (laughing) - I can't believe Hillary Duff was looking good. She's still looking good. - You didn't know this? - Did you meet any crushes? - I forgot about Hillary Duff's - That's what I'm saying. - She just came back out there. - Did you have any crushes that you met at SNL? - Oh, wait. - There was no, no, nothing at work. It was more just going on riot dates is stupid. And honestly, like going on dates with girls from high school. - Yeah. - I was like, maybe now she'll like me. - Right. - That's a good thing. - It was like, I was still 25 so it was like, yeah. It was still bad. - It was a good move. - Maybe I should have tried asking Miley Cyrus out. Not that that would have worked, but I was more concerned with like a girl from Hebrew school. I still was wondering if she like, to me now maybe. Yeah, to close you had to get the closure. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Have you heard that Jimmy Kimmel theory about the crossing? It's like, hey, I couldn't bang Morgan Fairchild in 1988, but now I'm on TV and she's getting old. So now I could fuck Morgan Fairchild and she'd be happy about it. It's like a weird little axis. Mm-hmm. His theory. I just, yeah, good. I just hung out with like the ex that like broke my heart the most. Yes, two days ago, his wife. That was the most intense experience. Why? Why? Because it was like my college, like the one that got away. I was like obsessed with him and he, he broke up with me for this girl and ended up marrying her. And now she's like a fan. Oh my god. Is that winning or is it winning? Yes. No, I'll tell you why it's not winning because we met up. Why? And because I, because he's the best. He really is the best. He's so funny. Still in love with it. And we, no, and we met up and she was like so nice and sweet. And I was like just blabbing and being like, because I'm like trying, I have six years of not telling. Sure. I'm like, I'm not a death. And then also I have death. And I'm like, this is my dog. She got these tracks. Like, I'm like being so needy. Yeah. And they're just holding hands walking. And at one point she takes out sunscreen and like puts it on his receding spots. And it was so tender. And I was like, come on, you guys, like I was this like little rap. Right. Like I was like, and this is the clip I posted yesterday. Yeah. And I was like, I'm never going to be this sweet life. I'm just going to be this like performer who's like, what's this? And you know, it was brutal in your mind for that. Did you ever like kind of fantasize that he must be watching you and be like, I could be with you. And threesome. No, I know. Never watch. It's got to be a threesome in the air. I could never do that. It would break my heart. What? You're rooting for them now. Now I'm rooting for them. Yeah. Okay. And she was so sweet. I ended up being like, fuck this guy and talking to her the whole time. Wow. And at the end, I was like, oh my God. And I was like, my, the real thing to fucking up is I was like, I was so far off of thinking that I could marry this guy. Like, I'm not even close to that. You did get closer in a weird way then. Yeah. But it was like, I'm destined to wander the earth alone. Now. I gotta tell you, I saw a young female comic tell the same story. But yeah, it was so intense. It was crazy. And I woke up at 4 a.m. today just thinking about all the things I said and how I just like was just like showing off. Right. It was crazy. Well, that's a, that's a nervous energy. It was a nervous energy. Yeah. Yeah. And they were just so calmly holding hands. Maybe they don't have much to tell you. Really great, Jordan. It was, huh? Maybe they didn't have much to share with you either. They're not just like, they're just like, yeah, that's nice. You know, they were interested. But it was like, it was, yeah, I was like a frenetic spectacle. Right. Yeah. I can't believe you met up with them. That's crazy. How long ago do you think you got over him? Tomorrow. No, I probably got over him. I mean, probably like fully, probably like four years ago. Wow. Yeah. And did you talk to him sense or no? Yeah. I like, I, I'll talk to him sporadically about boy stuff. Like, I'll be like, I have to fix this car part. Because I always thought that was the key to his heart was to be his little bro. Right. But it's not the key. The key is to give him sunscreen and hold his hand nice. And I just don't do that stuff. Right. Well, here's the question. Do the girl look like you? Dude, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. So now. Now I want right into that. I open the door and I slammed it in my own, on my own hands. Oh, no. No, she's like, she's like tall and super skinny. She looks like anime character. If she was white, like she's so, yeah. She's so beautiful. Like when they got together in college, I was like laughing hysterically because I was like, I can't compete with that girl. He was like a new freshman came in and everybody was talking about how hot she was. And they were like, also he's dating her. And I was like, yep. Yeah. Yeah. But she's not funny. I bet she's not funny. She's not funny. And that's matters. It doesn't matter to people. Well, it matters. It matters. It's what we have. It's what we have. It matters to women. We, we will fuck a fat, hideous man. True. If they're funny, but you guys want sweet, sweet calm, sweet calm, visually stimulating. I've dated comics. That's true. Funny is important, I think. It's important. But it's like, I think about it as like a gas station. It's not, it's not to say you just stop in. You fuel up. You leave. It's not funny. People are not sustainable. Hmm. Interesting. Because they're also crazy. Right. Right. I don't, I don't agree with that. But, yeah, but the crazy can be an issue for sure. I mean, it was like me, you, Lynn Coplitz, all going up on stage one after the other. And it was Lynn being like, I'm on the dating apps. And then I was like, I'm in a tumultuous relationship. And then you were like, I'm on the apps and I was like, oh, we're all fucked. I do, but that is the most comforting thing about being at the seller or wherever. I'm like, oh, we're all fucked in the same way. That's so nice. Everybody comes out with all regular people all day just said that that guy seems like he's got to figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. Everything goes up. And it's like, I got divorced from the couch. Yeah. I divorced a couch. Ah, he's funny. He does. Yeah. Um, but yeah, every single person who goes up is like going through, it's crazy. But here's the thing. You say they're all put together. They're not. They're hiding it. At least we come out with exactly. That's full of shit. He just nailed it. But just think about it. What's everyone post on Instagram? The highlights. What are we doing on stage? The low lights. That's what people relate to. And that's why they show up. They want to go, all right. You're going to brag. You're like, here's what's fucked up in my life. That's, you don't post it on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. JLo has been been with Ben Affleck 17 times. And she's got two weird kids. They're all all these people are fucked up. I don't know where that came from. Well, I'll just say like a celebrity who's rich and beautiful. She's still alive. I got you. I got you. Yeah. I think more like the, you know, I came out of nowhere. But I think the normal people who aren't celebrities who are aren't in the limelight are happier than us. Yeah. For sure. For sure. Like my friends from high school. They are married. I think they're happy. Yeah. Yeah. They're like way happier. They're like, you're doing what? You want to bed at one time? Yeah. But I really like it. Yeah. You're not going to get, you're not going to get it from this. Like you can get fulfillment from your career, but you're not going to get happiness from it. It's, they're different. Right. Interesting. You can, like, I leave stand up. If I put all myself worth and a set, I'm fucked. And I do it sometime. I'm guilty of it. Same. But if I'm just like, all right, let me focus on the positive of this set and let me have something else. But then if you have something else, then that is a good way to look at it. It feeds the stand up. Yeah. If you have something else to talk about, like, Chris Rock would always say, like, there's a funny reason I have kids, but like, you'd be like, you got to have kids because your audience is having kids. And they'll give you shit to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Chris Rock. He does it. On Raya. Yeah. Now he is. Yeah. But he had kids and he was married. Yeah. Yeah. And he likes those kids. Have you guys noticed everyone in your age starting to get divorced now? I was just thinking about that. 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add teammates as your business grows there's no complicated IT setup or hassle Quo can handle even after hours calls answer questions and book appointments while your team is offline Quo is a number one rated business phone system on G2 trusted by more than 90,000 businesses monies on the line always say hello with Quo try Quo for free plus 20% off your first six month when you go to Quo dot com slash WMBD Q U O dot com slash WMBD I don't have divorce yet you have divorced now what do we do I have divorced in your age group oh yeah really people we know the gorgeous got divorced and uh one of our mutual friends who's got that is that allowed to say she's getting at divorce she's getting divorced yeah we'll bleep her name handy and Rosebud and in Rosebud friend about Raj is breaking up with his lady we just mentioned him like something in the air everybody's breaking and he did it in your cadence which I found out you're gonna kill me but yeah it's it's something's going on so watch out everybody so that couple you met with they're on the outs and you better slide right in there full inward but I do I you got closure I think I think you saw like it's a good thing that you see that that's not right for you and you'll find I mean you're are you dating someone or no yeah but it's a stop and go it's erratic it's so in that guy you guys have the your JLo and better this is a different guy though I think right same guy break up with that I did I go on a long stint with a different guy and then what do you see in this guy oh he's my best friend sorry I remember but why can't it work then oh just we just because we just we both you know when you get in a conflict and you don't hit the big red button of like well let's break up yes we just we just hit the button we just go I guess we should break up every time there's no if you ever tried the working through it scenario or now yeah totally but it all it leads back to the hitting the button thing it's just like a really like because I I think I'm like avoidant secretly because you know what I mean because I was somebody who isn't down and when I am in a stable relationship by sabotage it yeah and he isn't avoid so I think both of us are like any sort of normalcy we both freak out of it right I know the whole I know that feeling so well I needed a wife who is like hey what are you doing stop going away come back come back and at first I was like whoa whoa stop tell me to come back and now I'm like thank God she asked me to come back yeah but how'd you stop going I had to go to a lot of therapy I had to work on myself I had to have some rock bottoms yeah I've been through I feel like you did it enough and you did it enough yeah you so going on the same date that's a problem yeah I was chasing the avoidant girl for so long I was like oh I'm actually I'm just exciting I've gotten the shit kicked out of me I'm good yeah yeah it is and it is an adventure every day you're like what could happen oh my god yeah I've noticed the the less healthy the relationship the more quickly say I love you whoa I said it so early and then I'm like oh this woman's gonna kill me yes but but then if you wait a while like let me really fucking earn this let me figure this out right but yeah if it's unhinged the emotions are just fucking like daggers man I was with a guy who I thought was gonna kill me and he's gonna watch this podcast and see this in threaten to kill me but and I said I love you so fast because I was just like that'll ease everything down right oh yeah I was thinking that I'll hold the mind that'll hold on right something I can take out yeah it's like but then you use that that you're like that's all I had yeah you see me do this dance yeah it's like marriage as I go to do with marriage and kids are like fuck I love you let's get married let's have a kid and then you know two years in to like what the hell have I done at least I love you isn't any kind of contract yeah you know it's still bad to say too early but but yeah I definitely said let's have a baby to yeah I'm gonna dump a load on you I know I'm getting to the age where I'm getting that grip yeah you know like my legs start being like you're not pulling out and then I myself off I have to be like all right whoa it's getting my body that's right against the man we're like no you're like NBA horror those NBA chicks they wait and they just scoop up the jizz that's what they do out there they they poached it oh these NBA ladies they walk around they go to NBA games and then they try to bang I pictured like someone hiding behind a curtain in a hotel room and she just runs buying grabs it oh yeah I was a true woman playing basketball and running up to like a person what do you talk about some of the women the hot the hot ladies you go to NBA games and they go hey whatever that guy's name is yeah they try to get their have their baby then they bang the guy and the guys like oh I better pull out and they go oh yeah there is a bodily thing you have to resist as a woman there is like a almost like like a prank man just when it holds the whips the mates head off this is terrible when you run out of taboo ship to say during sex so it's like you can only say someone shit before you're like what's the worst thing I could do right now impregnate someone I have nothing in common well let's fucking do it yeah it's so hot to ruin your life oh my god this is sexy yeah and as comedians were addicted to chaos yeah 100% yeah that's I think like we get all this validation on stage so like romantically it's like I want the most difficult audience member like yeah love is the hardest to achieve you ever have the thing where you're back at what I was dating I would have a thing where I could tell the girl was not that interested so she'd be like oh maybe I won't see again I'm like I got a winner back yeah I don't even like her but I'm like busted my ass to win her back even though I just want to win the girl back I don't like if you want a data yeah and then she's like all right I'm in like I'm done here yeah yeah it's a really sick twisted mindset it's sick it's also nice because then you don't care if you have somebody who's like pulling away you don't care about what you're you can really be free on stage because you don't really give a fuck what they think you just care about one person who's rejecting you things yeah you definitely you if someone you care about like is this gonna hurt them let me figure a way out or like or just on stage like I'll say crazy shit and people are like aren't you worried about what they think and I'm like no I'm worried about what this guy is about to text me I'm not that healthy that's healthy yeah well that's not healthy but it's good for comedy yeah it's good for comedy yeah yeah which is unhealthy be sure bill burst said he didn't get good at comedy till he stopped giving a fuck you know if you go up there going yeah I hope every word works and they like everything the you're gonna be in your head you're not gonna go it's not like apathy not giving a fuck it's like you still kind of care of course you want to do well but you got to like pull back on it's like I don't matter giving it's like existential not wanting to be judged for how you behave yeah yeah yeah well we've all gone of those sets like an audition or like a late-night thing we're like I need every line to work or I'm gonna kill myself and then you're stiff and weird and you're not you yeah and also how many times have you had a thing with someone were like the second you take your foot off the gas the text start rolling in oh I cared too much earlier and now they feel that I'm pulling back and you know it's unhealthy but that this is it's like all of it that's like eternal it's so weird yeah I think I know one couple who doesn't have the push pole dynamic the one you hung out with yesterday they're perfect perfect no he had to chase her ass for a long time I remember because he cried to me about it and it made me cry because I'd be like well you're bummed out about this girl and I'm bummed out about you but he had to chase her ass that's the weird thing about women and maybe you're gonna help shed some light on this you're almost a lady you know like you always hear these girls like oh I turned them down 17 times you kept coming back and then I realized you know what I love you and you're like what he broke me down you always hear women like yeah I kept saying no but he kept coming back and then eventually we got married is it a test what is it yeah what is that yeah I feel - It feels like, why is that not harassment? 'Cause if I stalked her and then she caves. - Yeah, if it works out, it's romantic, but it doesn't work out, he's a psycho. - Totally. - What's happening there is, so there's somebody pursuing them constantly, and then this woman is like, I don't wanna be with this person, and then she goes out and has some gnarly experiences, some whack dates, or some rejecting guys, and then she does a lot of like Instagram therapy stuff that's basically like, choose love, don't choose the avoidance of the way they go for the-- - I'm a quotes. - That's what happens. - I got it, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - And then they go, I should choose the guy who chooses me, and then they just have to use lube every time I have sex, 'cause they're not really aroused by that guy. - Ooh, damn, that had a sad ending. That was going somewhere, and then the lube part was kind of a bummer. - Scoop up the genus. - Yeah, yeah, that's what happens. And then they cheat at some point. - Oh fuck, all right, this is getting worse and worse. - Yeah. - If you wear a woman down, yeah, it doesn't, I don't think that-- - Jordan's cynical today though, I think, you know. - Today. - I know, but I think, but you talk about this other relationship, like in a different way. I think there's a guy you'll match with in a way that you're-- - Yeah, so I keep telling you that. - Yeah, but I don't think it's wearing down. - Yeah. - I don't think wearing down ever works. I think it's like-- - That's true. - I think it's like buds, and then it becomes something. - Yes. - But I don't think it's like, I just get dog in her until she, and then, because all that's happening is that woman is just like settling eventually. - It's very old-fashioned male versus female roles, like the pursuing the woman, the chasing the woman. - Yeah, it's like hunting, you know, it's like, but I don't feel like that's the modern way that you court really. It's more like, oh, let's be together, two people. - The modern way is you're in a competition to see who can be the most self-sufficient to earn love. So everybody's trying to be self-sufficient so that somebody loves them, which is not self-sufficient. Like every girl is like, I'm an independent woman, and I do Pilates there today, and I don't have time for sex out, and I'm like, you're just doing that. So that a guy will love you. You're just trying to be just like, not all women, but a lot of them are like, I'm just, I just don't need men, and I'm like, you're saying that so that this one guy you have your eye on will like you. - Oh boy, it's great to hear that. - Lord, by the way, I know, but I hear that all day. I'm like, do women even like men anymore? Like what's going on here? - No, we're just trying to be composed so that some guy who wants a composed woman will be with us. - Clip that, that needs to be out in the world, 'cause it's enough with the men, women hate, it's going nowhere, it's a ruining society. Women just want like to hang out with their friends, have a job that is fulfilling, and forehead kisses for the rest of their life. We can't live without forehead kisses. - Forhead kisses? - We die. - This is why we have you on the show. This is gold. - Yeah. - This is good. - I guess my girlfriend's forehead, you know, and she's like, oh my God. - It's crazy. She said, thank you. - Yeah. - I was like, who have you been with? - It's unbelievable. - I guess they're forehead and she was furious. That's weird, but you know. (laughs) - No, yeah, I mean, I think a lot of that shit, you see online that was just engagement baiting. Like you're just trying, you know that that negativity will cruise. - Yeah, I agree. - You know that people love that. - But it's cruising, 'cause other women are like, oh, I guess this is how I'm supposed to be here. This is kind of how I feel, right? I hate this one guy, so now I hate all these guys. I think it's hitting for a reason. - I don't think women need to hate men. I do think women need to get that them, that they don't have to do like deceptive shit to get men, 'cause men, you guys are very stupid and you do want sex. - Yes. - And we don't have to do much. - No. - Before we come at you, but we do all of this, you guys get freaked out and you're like, well, I don't want you doing stuff for me, 'cause I'm just a dumb guy and you're putting me up on a pedestal. - Agreed. - You just have to like operate that men are stupid, they want wet hole, that's what they want. - Yes. - And you just go do the things that you want to do, and it'll be fine. But I don't like the self-deception that women don't want men to want them. That's all wrong. - They do, they do, completely. - Yeah, it's like the biggest thing. - Right. - Yeah. - I agree, but you can't say that. If I say that, I'm an asshole. - Are you? - If I go, "Oh, you want men to think you're hot?" And then they go, "Fuck you, you don't know what I want." And I go, "Well, I'm looking at your tits on Instagram here." - I believe the second part out. - Why don't you do any of this stuff? Why don't you? - I agree, I'm not. - We just want women to like us too though. - Yeah, but we're more simple, I think. - Way more simple. - By the way, I'm not even trying to be self-sufficient. I was never even trying to be self-sufficient. I was just trying to be like, "I hope I smoke good." - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's good, you're naturally self-sufficient, 'cause you're a man. - No, I'm not. - But you're not, what do you mean? - You're not. - You're not. - You're not. - You're not. - You're not. - That's true. - That's true. - This is the new one. - This is great. - This is Oscar and Felix over here. - I can't believe you couldn't fix that shelf. That helps me out, dude. It was just a peg. I was like, "John, just look at it for a minute." And just tell me what to do. And you're like, "I need screws or something." I was like, "No, no, I'm done. I did it. I did it." - And then you did it. - Yeah, I made you do it. - I do hate the argument, though, and you hear this a lot in comedy, like Dave Chappelle had that old bit about like, "Men drive nice cars, 'cause women like nice cars." I'm like, "I don't know. Men do stand up, 'cause women like stand up." I'm like, "No, I like stand up." And I'm trying to pay the rent. - Yeah. - It's such bad ADD, like stand up. The only thing I can really focus on. - I need to live. Right. - And I enjoy it. - Yeah. - Do the sign fell as 100,000 cars, 'cause women like nice cars? - He's married. - Yeah, he likes cars. - He likes cars. That's why I debunked that argument. - Yeah. - But there's definitely a dude out there. - What did men do for a winter? - What about when you were starting out, though, and you're on the road and you're drinking and stuff. And there's a cute girl in the audience, or some bad show up, and you think that there's an element of you. - Of course it helps. - Of course it does. - You don't have to work them or anything. - Sure, yeah, that's a move, but I didn't get in the stand up to get laid. You know, a lot of people, they throw that out there. - But what if when you got in the stand up, it was like being a magician, it just would not get laid. Like you knew. It was not going to get laid. - Magician's get laid. - I know, but when you started, being a magician was not good. - I would still be a magician, 'cause that's the calling. - Right. - Really? - Yeah. - Totally. - Hey, I was a fucking cubscout. You know, I wasn't doing this shit for the ladies. - How's the cubscout for me? - Yeah. - Yeah. - And the cubs master, they were doing it for you. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It does. - You're a rough camping trip. - Scoop the jizz. - Yes. (laughing) - You really got to be your merch, I think. - Yeah. John, what's the name of this special? - Special boy. - Special boy. - How long is it? - It's an hour ten. - Wow. - Hey, that's long. - Yeah. - But it is a documentary. - It's, yeah, it's a lot of doc and, yeah. - My mom's an cartoon. That's why it's called Special Boy. - Oh, that's adorable. - When you shout out the director, 'cause I know he probably works. - Noah Finling. He's a great comment as well. - Oh, nice. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's my buddy, and he opened for me. And so, yeah. It was easy for him to film it, because he was already sharing a hotel room with me. So I just wake up for morning radio, and he'd be in his underwear, like. - Oh, fun. - It's awesome. - Now you had a special what? - Two years ago. - No, when was it? - Last year. - Yeah. - How's the next hour looking? - Great. I really like it. - All right. - It's really good. - A lot of what we were just talking about, where I'm like, "Women have to cop to some shit." - Oh, I love it. - And also, yeah, and men have to cop to some shit. But it's big, the big thing is like, women have to take responsibility that we are the smarter, gender, and stuff acting like retards. (laughing) - You're here. - But, yeah, I love it. It's so fun. And it has so much like silly stuff. There's like a lot of fart stuff. - I love it. I think it a weird way. And I'm like, "I'm not a lady." But I think some women want to hear that too. Like, "Yes, thank you." - Yeah, totally. - Like, Ali Wong had that special cobra. - Yeah. - I want to say, and it was baby cobra. And it was so great because it was like, we were kind of going through like, 2020 when everything was gay and annoying. And it was like, this woman on stage, like, "I don't want to work. "I want my husband to pay for everything. "Fuck you, I'm still a lady. "Stop telling me I'm less of a woman." And it was like, it broke. It was a huge special because you were just keeping it real. - Yeah, totally. - That's kind of what we're supposed to be doing here. It's just the other thing that women are doing is we're saying that we're doing things for ourselves and we're not. Like, women are now being like, I don't get waxed for men, I do it for me. I don't wear, they're a big thing right now. I have a big bit about it, but women are actually saying that we wear makeup for each other. - Oh boy. - And not for men. There's no way. - Come on. - You spend time with women together if one of us has makeup on. We're like, what are you trying to fuck us? Like, it doesn't make sense. But I have a whole bit about that. And like, and a lot of it is like very feminist. Like women, we have to kind of band together more and stop doing this ridiculous. Like, cow-towing to men while also saying it's feminist and stuff. - Yeah, you know this is bullshit. Strippers saying like, this is, I'm being a strong feminist and I'm doing this to empower myself. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - To empower it with the nudity. - Yeah, I don't get that. Well, I'm all for it. - Yeah. - You know, keep, I'm a sex worker because it's empowering. You're like, all right. - The thing. - It's 20 bucks. (laughing) - The thing that I like about strippers though is it's like an athletic thing and it's utilizing that they have a hot body. And it's praying on the dumbest part of men, which is just like money for whole, money for whole. And I do actually think that's kind of sick. To be like, I'm fit as fuck, I'm hot as fuck. - I agree. - And I'm robbing these retards. Like, I am stealing from that. That I'm kind of like-- - Hey Mark, and I don't like being called retarded. - Look at that. - I apologize. But I'm not down with like, I'm not down with like, the 16 year old who's like, I'm starting and only fans to get, you know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah. - It's empowering. - Because it's empowering. I'm not down with it. - You know what I was thinking? - Sex workers from way back in the day must look at the only fans, women now, as like the way old NBA players, like holy shit, like I wish I got this money. - Yeah. - It's like the NBA players, they made the court this bit like a tiny little court. - I mean like, you're trailblazers in a way, but now like you're watching all these. other people get just fucking rich. - It's crazy. - Who's getting more money than only fans, people, and pro athletes? - Nobody. - It's so fun. - I mean, positive. - Yeah, like AI, people running like AI companies now. - Exactly. - Yeah, the poor old trouble, there's a lot of strip clubs in Portland. - Oh yeah, I think it's number two in the country. - Is it? - Tampa's one. - Wow. - I think Portland's two, give it a goog. - Well, so we do this thing called working on any bits. - Wait, where about peeves, hold on. - Oh, we got any peeves first. I got some peeves. Wait, did you guys see the Odyssey? - I did. - Oh, we got the time of the Odyssey. - God damn it. - Okay, I can see it. - I have one peeve with the Odyssey. - Oh my god, all right. - It starts. - Okay. - Go take a piss. - Yeah, it's good. - The views will go up. - Okay. (laughing) - Okay. - It's Juggerjelly. - Spoilers are fine. - Sure. - Okay, it's not a big spoiler. - Yeah, yeah. - Mine are spoilers. - Mine are spoilers. - Yeah, a couple weeks. - So he's like a very, he's like a very stoic cool guy. - Odysseus, Damien. - Damien. - And then Damien, yeah. - He's great in the movie, man. - And he's amazing. - Yeah. - But at one point, when he shoots the arrow into the Cyclops' eyes. - I was literally just going. - I was like, that's the most uncart, they didn't build up that character part of him at all. Like his whole MO was like get everybody to safety and then he just turns and sabotages. That was my one qualm. And it was a plot thing. - It was more emotional a move than like he's always written about as like crafty and clever. - Yeah. - Odysseus, but it was like an emotional move. But they should have just had one of his boys died. He should have been like super pissed. And maybe somebody had to cover his mouth 'cause the Cyclops was sleeping. Or something to show that he had rage around it. But he just suddenly sabotaged it because it needed to show that he upset Poseidon. But it was like. - Interesting take. I do think he's the perfect guy. He made a mistake. People make mistakes. - But they didn't build. It was such a fast mistake. - Right, right. - All they had to do was have him like maybe just another beat where he like picks up the helmet. And like, it's his body or something. - Yes. - Or like maybe not even a helmet, but like a hand with a ring on it. Like something that was more emotional. - Right. - That's cool. - That's what he was killing his men that Cyclops guy. - Yeah, but he wasn't sad about it. He was so stoic the whole time. - Well, he's got, he's the leader. - Yeah. - He's got to keep the morale up. - That's a good, that's a good note though, I like it. Just give it a little more. Like it shouldn't be the hell, 'cause he drops the helmet. So the guy was mocking him. Like, haha, I killed your guy. So that was his payback. Was the arrow, but they should have done more that was like, that was my best friend. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, just a little bit more. - I like it. - Yeah, I thought that and I was like, I don't, I was like, no, maybe not. And then I talked to Dan Janine and he said the same thing. And I was like, okay, yeah, that is correct. It was really weird and quick. And I thought I missed something. Like, I was like, maybe I missed that that was his body's helmet or something. But, but that dude was sick. - That was awesome. - The other thing I didn't like is the silver guys. That was flat, flat as hell. - Flat. - Which is the giant guy? - So uncreated. - We had many giants. - We got sirens, we got sea monsters, and then we got big guys. That's our angle. - I'm down with you moving trees, but with the trees, the big thing. - Right, right, yeah. - Yeah, that was no fun. Nothing special about these guys. - I know. - I don't have to see it. - No, no, it's good. - No, it goes visually. - It is one of the best looking movies ever. - No, it was visually, it's the bow strum. - Oh. - But that noise was like, give you chills every time he did it. - It was so sick. - Oh, and that animal just yanked him out of the boat, and he's like, you knew and you took us this way. - Yeah. - That was cool. He's like, well, the other way we're 30 minutes longer. - I got a peeve. - Yeah. - Here's my Odyssey peeve. He's pissed off, he's bitching, 'cause he's on an island with Charlize Theron. He's on this island with this beautiful woman. He's like, oh, this sucks, so I gotta get back. She's like, take more drugs. He's like, I gotta get out of here. I'm like, hey, you made it. You're on an island with Charlize Theron alone. You got all the food you can eat. You got a hot lady. - Did you laugh? - Hang out, did you laugh? - Yeah, but he got a hot wife at home. - Yeah, but he had no memory. - He had no memory. - Yeah, but he was, but something felt wrong. - I guess, but I'd be like, hey, I ship wrecked, I landed here with this bra. - Yeah, but he's with her for seven years. Charlize Theron is hot. - Oh, he's is that right? - Yeah, but after seven two and a half. - He was something crazy long. - Oh, I thought it was like a month. Seven year itch. - I gotta go. - He was like this when she's giving him the lotus, and then she stops and she goes, she goes, she goes no more, and Matt Damon goes, but I love it. - I was dying so much in the theater. I was like, nobody ever says that, but I love it. - All right. - It was so funny. But yeah, that, but yeah, he was stuck with her and he had the itching, like my sound, what has happened. - Yeah, I see. - And also, you want to get home and be like, I fuck it, I conquered that shit. - But I loved the moral that he didn't want to get home, and then he was, and then he got home. - That was great. - That was heavy. - Wait, which part? - Just then he, like, would not accept, he didn't want to go home, because he had defied Zeus's law, and had fucked everything up, and he couldn't face himself. And just like using the lotus, which is like how we use alcohol, and just like being like, I can't face reality was good. And then then he had to like, submit to the gods in the end and just like go for it, 'cause he was falling in love. - We said no spoilers, guess. - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. But yeah, that was great. - That's good books, but out for a minute. - Oh, okay. - I really liked it. I was very happy. - Yeah, I liked it too. - As a client did a cool thing on, I don't know if you saw it. - As a client, thanks. - It's a, it's a good thing on the New York Times about the Odyssey breaking it down, like how he didn't follow exactly the Odyssey, but why he wanted it. - Does he start crying during it? - No crying. - Okay, that's good. - Oh, he didn't like it. - No, he did like it. - Oh, he did like it. - Yeah, yeah. - It's so good. I also hate Ann Hathaway. That was my other quote. - I thought she was great in the movie. - No, she's so unlikable. Why can't there be like an Irish actress or something? - Greek. - Or Greek. - Come on. - Easy in the musk. - Jesus. - No Greeks. Ship of one in there. Have you got to have a transverse blade? - Stop rowson. - Stop rowson. There's a Dissy. - Stop should have been no Dissy. - Yeah, we're talking. Maybe Yannis? - Yannis. - Get Stamos in there. He's hot. - The best part was in the horse. That was great. - Oh, that was so cool. - That was great. Man, what a fun flick. It felt like an epic. It felt like you were watching a movie. - And it didn't feel as long as it was. - No, no. - Yeah, I get Yannis in there. - Hell yeah, the Greek. - Where are you, Giants? - He wouldn't fit in the horse. - I would have been cool to have him in there. That would have been sick. - Yeah, they had a couple of Black and Indian guys too. So they could have had him. - Yeah. Keep it going. - Yeah, the Black guys died very quickly. - Yeah, I mean, the Trojan horse scene was fucking awesome. That was so sick. - That was so good. - Oh yeah. - All right, so we just went on a tag. - Patents. - Patents that was super gay. - He was awesome. - He was great. - Oh, I got a perfect peeve. - You got a peeve? - I got a peeve. - What do you got? - Hit me, sister. - I don't like when you go out to dinner with a guy. This was, this happened with the guy that I did, where they go like this, they think that because where they took you was nice, they deserve something. - Oh yeah. - They take you and they're like, what do you think about the neoki? And you're like, it's good. Do you want to bring the chef out? So I can thank, you know what I mean? - Right, right. - And they're like, wasn't this place good? And it's like, what do you think? This earns you sex with me on top or something? Like you didn't cook this. You idiot. - Oh, good point. - I hate it. I hate that so much. Isn't this really good? This is a great restaurant, huh? And I'm like, yeah, dude, what the fuck do you want? - You just open it up and have it. - By the way, Veter does this to me all the time at meals that I'm paying for. He's like, how good is this shit? I'm like, I know. I'm fucking, I hate it. - I hate it, I hate it. - I don't feel a need for all that validation. You know, I feel like show you stuff. Like, look at this, look at that. Look at that. I'm like, all right, I'm exhausted. - Yeah, or they show you a song and then you're listening to it later and they're like, I showed you that. And you're like, okay, yeah. - They won't regret it for shit, they didn't do. - Yeah, they make that song. - Yes, good, good, Pete. - Okay. - Did the guy, at least pick up the tab? - Oh, every time. - All right, that's nice. - I feel like you're really eating with me. - Were you pushing back at the restaurant's suggestion? I mean, what's the reason for the overwhelming excitement? - Because I hate going out to eat with people. I really hate it. So we would go out and you'd be like, but see, isn't this good? And I'm like, yeah, it's good, but I don't want to be here, man. - You're right. - I'm getting it at home. - I want to eat it at home. I want sweet green at home on the floor. - Yeah. - I don't want nice restaurants. I hate that, I hate going out to restaurants where there's a slave and you have to pretend that you're in this weird position of power where you demand that it's bizarre. - You're like every guy's dream in the comments right now. - Oh, nice. - But you want to eat on the floor. - Oh, can we tell that to the guy I'm seeing? - Yeah. - I'm every guy's dream. - When they're reading you the specials, do you feel really uncomfortable? - Oh, that's the word. - Oh my god. - You got to pretend to care. - Oh, shit. - When they go like this, what about when they go like this? Have you been here before? I say yes every time. I'm like, I don't want to hear whatever fucking book. Well, everything is bought from an upstate place. Fuck, I do not give a fuck. I can read that. - Have you been here before? Let me guess. You cook food back there and you bring it out front? - Yeah, yeah. - I hate that. - I do have a hotel for you. - This person who eats on the floor. So let me, I love the food. - Yeah, let me tell you about this group out of this restaurant for a second. - Oh, special is a regular floor salad tonight. - Yeah. I eat oatmeal standing up. - Yeah. - I do that hotels too. They're like, have you been here before? I'm like, yes, don't tell me where the gym is. Don't tell me how the time the restaurant opens. I don't care. Just give me upstairs. - It's so long and they have your keys hostage. - I know. - Fuck the hotel. I hate that. I get so many fights. - I love when they give me that sheet of paper with all the information. I'm like, what am I moving in here? - Yeah. - I don't know where your parking structure is at all this shit. - It's crazy. - All right, I got a peeve and this one is, I'm pretty heated about it. - Okay. - So tell me what you guys think. You ever had this one? I had a party with the wife. We're having a great time. She bumps into a guy she knew from college. They say hello. He picks her up. I'm talking like a lift. - No. - And I was, I saw him from a car. I went, what the fuck? - Gay guy? - Not I don't think so. - Ooh. - That's important. - A lift? - It's okay. - Gay, I'll let a gay slide. - What kind of lift? - Like a four inch off the ground lift. Like a hug lift. - No, I'm pissed. - That's crazy. The most emasculated there. - That'd rather be pegged in front of her. Can you do this guy put a demo over here Mark? - Wait. - Do a demo with him. Show us what he'll look like. - Oh shit. - Sure, it's pretty easy. - With me? - No, I guess. - Let me get right in here. - Do an actual act out please. - All right. - I'll be the guy. - Okay, you haven't seen each other in years. - Yes. - Oh my God, you haven't seen each other in years. - Oh my God. - No. No. - Look at that I remember. - That is. (laughing) - That looked like four and a half inches to me. - You just did the dirty dancing closer. - But you're kind of dating a bro, like I, in college, which, sorry, you're married to a, that's so nice that you have to claim that. That's very sweet. You've come a long way. - Thank you. - I'm a therapy. - But, was she broy in college? - Yes. - Okay, so she's one of his bros. - Yeah, hope. - Did she get hot later? Like in college, did she play sports and stuff? - Yeah. - Yeah. So she was a broy. - Did they ever hook up? - All right, all right. - Is she a beer girl? - That's the question, I assume. - You didn't ask. - No, I didn't ask. - I was stewing. Can you call her? - No. - This is where we differ. I wouldn't be able to, I can't. - Do you want to say something about the pickup? - I got to know, I got to know. I said, I got, and you like that. (laughs) - I didn't make a call. I didn't make a call. (laughs) - She's allowed to hook up with her in college. - You're allowed to hook up with her. - I'm like, don't say that, don't say that. - I know, you allowed to hook up, but then no more that affection, now that we're together would be my thing. - Of course, of course. You just got to, you got to subdue them. - But she didn't do anything. - She didn't do it. - She didn't do it. - A little heavy, right? (laughs) No, no, I just, you know, I bought the guy for about half an hour. - And you don't think he was gay? - Can I assume he was a tall? - No. - Oh good, good, good, good, good. - Little, maybe you should have hugged him and picked him up. - Ooh, that's good. - The old escalation. - That's good. I should have kissed him. (laughs) - You like it? - Grab his cock. - You gotta scoop up that cum mark. - Your husband's been trying to fuck me all night. (laughs) - No, they didn't hook up, they didn't hook up. She was a bro, she was a beer girl. Like I was, they hadn't seen him in a long time. It was a big friend hug and he did a lift. But her tits are huge. - Big jumps. - You need motorboda? - I forget that she has big tits. That changes everything. Well, because I have no tits, so if somebody picks me up, it's like just picking up like a Lego guy. - But these are the same tits that they wore, right? - She's always a big tits, right? - Big tits. - So he squeezed, got the tits, loved the tits, wanted to hold onto the tits for a second longer, lifted the tits. - Yeah. - Now he's got to know if he's gay or not. - I don't think he's gay, he looked non-gay, but he didn't pick her up by the cheeks. - What the, okay, I didn't see that on the act out. - He picked her up motorboda, there's nice to see ya. - Yeah, and then she did the leg wrap around. (laughs) Don't you love it, a woman does the leg wrap? - That's a great part. - It's nice. - That's a good time. - I was with the girlfriend yesterday, we were talking to a friend of mine and he goes, he's talking about her hooked up with this girl. We were friends, it was just a, you know, my girlfriend goes, no, it's always fun to hook it up with friends, and then for the rest of the day, I'm like, oh, where's that? (laughs) - I'm looking up with friends. - You've had a lot of fun nights with friends, you know what I mean? - We hooked up, you know, I shouldn't be upset about things that predate me, but I'm upset that she went to prom with somebody. - This is how crazy I am. I was talking to, I was talking to my guy, and I was like, yeah, she's, I was like in a certain city, 'cause if I say it, I'm real low, and I was like, you know, the hot girl who does comedy in that city, what's her name? And then he just said her name. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, really? And he was like, you just trapped me so hard. She is the hot girl in that city. And I was like, you think she's hot? - Oh, yeah. - You're one of those, you trapped him. - I am one of those, isn't that locked up? - Well, that's in the DNA, you're a lady. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gonna happen. - I know, yeah. - No matter how many torn jeans you wear. - I try, I try and cover it up, but it's really in there. - Yeah. - Yeah, where I do the things where I'm like, do you remember my middle name? - Oh, no. - Maybe I'm the woman. - You might be the lady, that's why you guys get along. - The girl I'm seeing right now was furious at me because I, first off, a girl I used to date, so many beauty products, still in my apartment. I thought I got them all, I didn't. She found some, she was pissed about it. And I was like, okay, I understand. A night later, she's using the cream. - Ah, it's crazy. - You can't scream and use the cream. - You can't scream and then scream. You can't scream and then scream and then scream. - I'll take the screen, but not with the cream. - Yeah, let me call Seinfeld. (laughing) - That is beautiful. You caught her using the cream? - I did. - Wow. - Is the bit working? - I haven't tried it on stage. - You gotta do it. - I haven't tried it. - I texted to you saying something about it, but yeah, I'd never used it. - I said it was like when a cop finds the coke, then he starts doing the coke. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's even worse though. - It is. - It's almost worse. - 'Cause you expect it from a cop. - Yeah, exactly, exactly. But also, maybe she's using it as a power move. Like, now I'm with him, bitch. - She said, I like this product, so I'm gonna use it, but I won't complain anymore, like, deal. It worked out for everybody, we're all happy. - Everybody wins. - Man, you didn't get all rid of all the products. That's crazy. Why didn't you say it was your product? - 'Cause it was clearly the worst. - It's even worse. - It's an all-reconstruction. (laughing) - Leave me everything. - That vagicill is mine. (laughing) Summer's Eve. (laughing) - I found my own underwear once and accused the guy of cheating on me. - Whoa. - This is my own underwear. - Whoa. - And my underwear is like giant granny pan, you know, Haines. - Sure. - And so I'm just like holding a giant pair of my underwear. - She's like, what the hell? - What's in this? (laughing) - As you're in the shirt. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's in the bed, I said. (laughing) I say, it's Gidmark and Period San. You have a tight mystery. (laughing) - That's a funny bed. I saw a young female comic do it. (laughing) - I can't wait to hear who that is. - Do you have a peeve, Sam? - I have actually a toast. I'm a rare toast. I'm loving these. I love a punch card. Love a little punch card. - Whoa. - I got a coffee, they make me a sandwich punch card, bagel punch card, coffee punch card, 'cause I get excited for the free one. - Yeah, I hear you. - Do you get a juiced up free one? - No, I do the same thing I always get. - Okay, I get juiced up free. - You go crazy. - Yeah, no tip. (laughing) - I heard that shit. - Hell yeah. - I love, I don't know why I love a punch card. - I'm with you, but I had a guy, a coffee shop, Puerto Rico imports on Bleaker Street, great coffee. - Yeah, great coffee. - They have only a five punch, so you can get there quick. You know, every week you got a free coffee. - That's nice. - But they didn't like the card. When I slid it across the counter, they go, - I hate that, that I hate. - You gave me the card. - You set this thing up. - They usually give me a thumbs up, like I congratulate where you're at. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - They're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they couldn't have more coffee in that place. I know, it's a lot of, pull up Puerto Rico imports. It's a staple, but they gave me an eye roll. Every time that card slid down the counter. And I didn't care for it, I go, you set this up. Don't get mad at me. - They don't have a neighborhood anymore, are you? - No, I wish. That's a great, great time I had over there in the village. There it is. - That's the bowl. - That's a great spot. - Oh, you know it. - It's right next to the morgue. - The morgue. - Oh, yeah. - It's a one that's a weird block. There's a record store that's been there forever, a coffee shop that's been there forever. - In the morgue. - Yes. - That used to be little Italy, by the way, but little Italy got. - A coffee shop's good to be next to a morgue, 'cause it covers a smell. - Ah, is it a morgue or a funeral home? - It's a funeral home. - Okay, big diff. - Big diff. - But still, the casket, you never know. - A smell. - A good smell. - A good smell to hide. There it is. That's a spot. - I love the look of it. - It's a great coffee in there too. - And they've got everything. Yeah, that's a New York classic right there. - Hell yeah. - My peeve that I should get out publicly, 'cause this is a big podcast. Meet and greet line. - Really? - No, no, meet and greet line, great. But if you're the person who goes like this, I don't want a picture. I just want to say hi. You just got to kill yourself. - That is weirder. - You just can't do it. You just got to take the picture. - I don't think it's that bad. - No, you can't. You can't do it. - Really? - Where they go? - They're trying to do it. - I know what you're trying to do. But if you go, I don't want a picture. That you think that because you've exchanged the picture for 10 minutes. - They're referring. - Oh, they're talking you're off in exchange. - Oh in exchange. - Okay, so that's part was not clear. - Well, what else would they want? - That's what they want. - I've had people come up and just say, I don't want a picture. I just want to say what's up. And then they walk by. I've had that happen. - No, never. It's always this. I don't want a picture. And then their high is this. I started watching you on YouTube. And then I bought a ticket in March. But then I couldn't go. So then we got two new tickets. But then that was my sister and it goes on for so long. So yeah, don't do that. The thing is the picture is a go to something to do. - Yes. - So the picture actually cuts. - It helps us because we're dissociated completely. - Right. - Right, we're so bad at this. 'Cause I'll just, I'll continue the conversation. 'Cause I'm such a people, please. - But you got to be a walk home. I know, I don't know how to get out of it. - I'll give you just so grateful to put you back on that. How about this one? The guy waits till the end and he goes last. So he can get more time with you. - I had this lady, I had a lady wait until the end and I'm like dreading it, right? I'm like we got to end of the line lady. I'm going to kill myself. And then she gets up there and she goes, takes a picture and she goes, thanks. And I go and I say out loud. I go, it's like, god damn, you never have an end one. That's great. And then she turns, it goes, "Would you like to, I wanted to show you my pun leg." And then pulls up her every tattoo she has all the way up her leg is a pun. And she, so I have to answer a joke, a riddle. And then she shows the answer that's a tattoo. All the way up her leg. - I'm in love. - Oh my god. - Punleg. - And you're on that last one. So you have like the senioritis where you're like, I just, I'm so close to getting out of here. Oh. - That joke's got legs. (laughing) Tell us about what it's going on. - On that note, any dates you guys want to plug in? First off, see John Rudinsky's new special. - Yes, coming out in October. - Yes, and it's going to be on YouTube. - Yes. - It's going to be on YouTube and I'm in Super Troopers, I made a mistake in the green to do the beacon during New York comedy fest. I saw your name up there. Why didn't I deal it? So we have to sell you have to sell that help her sell that out right now You're gonna sell it out. Yeah. You'll be fine. Yeah, it's hard. I'm competing with so many people. I shouldn't have done it It's the problem with the first. I saw that it's Daniel sloss. It's all these people, but I have my own night. Okay, great Yeah, that's good. I said I'm only doing the beacon if I have my own night and they said, okay, thank you. You'll be fine Okay, so yeah, why take us for that go do already what give give a date Um, no Pull it up. No, if it's November 12th I'm a fucking genius. There you go. Hey, there's coyote Look at my baby dot oh and wall and punch up so go to punch up. That live source Jordan Jensen speaking right there Go up back up. Go back up. Go back up. So stop right there November 12th. There we go. Yeah, good. It's a great. Have you done it? I oh, I like hopped on when our carry did it. Oh, it's a killer room. One of the best. Yeah, I've done it a couple times opening for people. Nice. Yeah, it's a go see but in the meantime you'll be Oh, that one sold out. Oh, okay, one of the good gloves stretch the whole stretch and revolution hall North Seattle, Washington, Vancouver, Northampton, Albany, Buffalo, Ottawa, Missa, Guatemala, Atlantic City, Richmond, Norfolk, Durham, Charleston I'll go quick plug for Norfolk. You got to go to the little dog diner in Norfolk. If you like a good diner. Okay, I'm gonna text you they got They got a really cool maple hot sides. It was a theater pick and he wouldn't let it go. He was like, how good is this I'm alright. Oh, yeah, I'll go. Saint Louis, Chicago, the Vic. Great. Nice. Indianapolis. I'm never gonna see you. I know This is like I'm crazy good for you. Philadelphia Pittsburgh. The Miller tears good. Watch out. They'll Nickland dime you over there. Tucson and Phoenix. You DM me all the time after I go there. Go you fucking idiots. I'm going there. Alright, okay. And yeah, check out John's special when it comes out. Shouldn't be too far down the road. See him in super troopers. Yes, special boy, special needs. And what do you what else you got here? Who else is a plugging dates? I got to record on all righty. Here we go. I'll just start at the 16th. Okay, Cobbs is sold out. Come to the Houston Improv for the love of God. Yeah, Zany's a Nashville. That'll be fun. Then I'm doing Pittsburgh Improv. We're adding shows. Casino Regina. We added another one. And then a club region. Whatever that is. Acme. Many app back running the new hour coming to the clubs. So then we got a movie we're shooting possibly. Hopefully no trouble. We've won that very soon, but we're we're we've had some Rensha thrown away. We're we're reacting. We're pivoting. We're making shit happen here here feeling good about it. Portland. Yeah, all this is all movie. Okay, now we're back. Yeah, a lot of casinos trying to make some money with the baby put that kid in college. Become a communist. And then we got the comedy mothership and all these other stuff. Yeah, so yeah, go to go to the punch up Mark Norman comedy deck. I got Braia Improv August 21st through 23rd. That should be very fun. We got after that. I'm going all over Europe. We're starting in Lisbon. Athens, Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw. We added a night in Warsaw. We got Helsinki Stockholm Copenhagen. Then I'm at Zaini's in Nashville for just two nights. Then we got Acme comedy co American comedy co. Sorry and San Diego, the 24th of the 26th, small fun room. I'm adding some rooms. It might not be on the site yet, but they should be by the time this episode comes out. Pittsburgh Improv. Hilarities and Cleveland, Madison Comedy Club comedy on state. This is all should be November December and then McGubbies in Baltimore. The December 17th through 19th. And yeah, hopefully we're shooting this fucking movie soon. Get some bodega cat whisky bodega cat whiskey dot com. Yeah. And we got hot new merch coming soon for two. It's so that shirt Mark was wearing on that episode. Yes, with little cat, the white shirt. Love that shit. So special stuff coming soon. So keep an eye out if you want bodega in your and send us a note. If you want to help us make our energy powder. Yes, we want that electrolyte powder to pair with bodega for the hangovers in the next morning, bodega cat electrolytes. Yes, healthy shit. Do we want to be good for you? All right. Thank you folks. Get some bodega. We'll see y'all in hell. Praise y'all. Don't hug my wife. A little too much urban and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof, like a cop's coming. And they can send you well as feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. She's my feature.