099. Jon Lovitz, Robert Oberst, Ben Avery | Heavy Things

Hey, what's up, everybody's Big Jokerson Lewis, Jake Gomez here. Remember, you can always see us on the road doing our thing live, stand up comedy and go to bigjcomedy.com to catch me on the greatest, yeah, for a live tour with dates coming up in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Winnipeg, Canada, Richmond, Virginia, Levittown, New York governor's comedy club coming home, Royal Look Michigan for the first time in years and so much more. Go check out for a sitting here you on the greatest, yeah, for a live tour right now at bigjcomedy.com. Become see me on the road. They're rallying me this tour coming to a sitting near you this weekend, I'll be in La Jolla, California at the comedy store doing shows on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The beginning of July, I'll be in Baltimore, Maryland at the port comedy club Denver for the first time in my entire life, I'm doing comedy works. I'm very excited about this. This can be July 24th, 25th weekend and then right after that, I got Lafayette Louisiana and Lake Charles, Louisiana. So come see me out on the road story warriors, get those tickets at Lewisofskanks.com. Fill her up. Your listening to the gas digital network. Ladies and gentlemen, live from Netflix is a joke-fested story wars with the story warriors big Jay Okerson and Lewis, Jay Gomez. Holy shit, what is up? Night 3 Netflix is a joke festival for story wars. Make some noise please comedy store. We're sold out here at the world famous comedy store Los Angeles. You guys are fucking back in a big way. Everyone talks about Austin, they're like LA's dead, they're all gay, they're all of eights, but I'm feeling a vibe from LA that I've never felt or at least in a very long time I haven't felt. Jay, how you feeling today? What are you trying to get laid? Yep, that was crazy. What's up ladies? That was that land issue. LA, I mean it's great food, great people and good conversations. How many people in this room are familiar with the game story wars? And who is not familiar with the game story wars? Ooh, fuck you buddy, fuck that. If it's your first time listening to home or your first time here, we will explain the game. It's a very simple one, but once we get our esteemed panel of contestants out for tonight's story wars, our first contestant from the Lemon Party podcast, why don't you make some noise right now, Los Angeles? For Ben Avery! Thank you guys. Ben, we're very happy to have you here on the podcast. How excited are you to possibly become a story warrior? I want it, I want the double poins and the whole thing, but I'm referencing it, I'm not doing it. No, yeah, I get it. He's one of fucking banshee. Yeah, they're allowed to say the words, they don't even want you to say the words. Our second competitor from the righteous gemstones, professional bodybuilder Robert O'Burst, Vladimir Avery! Holy shit, damn Bruce, Bruce, he makes you look like such a tiny little pussy. That's not true, it's crazy. Jay, you guys look like he's the larger Russian egg doll of you. We opened him up and you popped out your little bitch. I'm a three Robert O'Burst in. Thank you so much for being here, my man, we're happy to have you. Our third contestant, last but not least, everyone. A legendary comedian, you know him from the critic, you know him from SNL, make some noise right now for the one and only, John, love it. John, we're happy to have you on the show, we're backstage, we had to go through a couple mock rounds of this, he really wants to win this game. No idea what I'm doing. Somebody has to fire their agent. No, I kind of know, thanks for having me. Of course, thank you for being here. I was here in '79, I used to come on Monday nights, this was the hottest club in the country, in the country. Robert Williams got marketing every Monday at Improv Potluck Night. I went two weeks in row, the third week, I'm standing there and they go, "Oh, we're asking certain people not to come back and you are one of them." And now I'm here. He did it. He's back. He's back. We're the vengeance. John is back. John is back. John is back. John is back. On this thing. And I think the guy that said don't come back is dead. Good riddance debate. Or bulb. Justin Piss. 1979. If you aren't familiar with the Game of Story Wars, if it is your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, heavy things. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off at random. And if it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who's story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points and every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So what it is, your story, that it's a huge opportunity. You can get four points. You don't want to squander that opportunity. And what you do is when you put your answer on the tablet and lock it in, that's it. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we have a lot of fun here at Story Wars. It's so much fun. Sir, I know we booed you for not knowing what the show is, but you're going to have so much fun tonight. But you should know this. We're not playing for fun. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today. Every week here at Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library. Tonight's winner takes home the body keeps the score, brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel Vanderkulk. We've all been through unimaginable pain, sure. The body keeps the score, explores how major trauma doesn't simply disappear over time. You have to work on it. Recovery comes from rebuilding. And with the tools you'll learn in this book, you can start rebuilding yourself today. Jay, that's what we're playing for. Yes. I'd rather just get some money. I'm going to read that, you fuck. Well, I think everybody who's going to get it gets it. I think we should get this son of a bitch started. Is this crowd ready for war? Hold on one goddamn minute. What the fuck is happening with this goddamn room? What a bunch of Palestinian sympathizers we have here. Wow, I've never seen so many ugly fat motherfuckers in one place before in my life. It was so, it was so jarring for John Loves, the hero who's are chanting Jew. That's Jesus. He, I don't saw it at home. Let's go, buddy. Hey, I've been watching this show a lot. I'm actually a two-time winner. This is one thing if I can give you guys a tip on how to improve your show. And one thing I rarely know is about tips. John is cool, they don't know me. And listen, it's all going great, but if there's one weakness, it's the fucking retard that's reading off the stories, it doesn't have a fucking read-inglish. Oh, you like her? Well, she's a fucking retarded person. Both can be true. So I've come today just to plant her, give me the thought, I'm reading the stories today. Holy shit, we have a special guest narrator. third of the legendary Legion of Skanks, Ari Shafir. - The skanks to the gather again. (audience cheering and applauding) - We provide. - I only call you retarded 'cause you have Down syndrome. (audience laughing) - You lumped it all together. - I think my chances of winning have just gone up. (audience laughing) - And yes, Rayl. - Hi! - Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for war? (audience cheering and applauding) Come on! - Thank you, roots. (audience laughing and applauding) Are you sure fear, without any further ado, my man? Story number one. (dramatic music) - Story number one. - She can do that part. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - I went whale watching in Hawaii, but I couldn't enjoy myself 'cause the woman I was dating paid for the trip and I felt like a loser. (audience laughing) (audience cheering and applauding) - I don't think it's Ari. (audience laughing) - Oh, he's not playing. - Sorry. - First of all, I've never let a bitch pay for a trip in my entire life. Are you out of your fucking mind? - I feel like paying for those fucking trips. - No, now, but I'm here at a time. - You were a sugar baby for some chicks. - Hey, thanks so. - Yeah, you were like a vagrant guy, so you would have chicks that would hook you up. - Now, I went to Hawaii one time, I brought my girlfriend, I paid for my trip to Hawaii, no bitch paid for my trip to Hawaii, so thank you. - Whatever. - You actually know this better than anyone in the world. - I don't know that you've ever gone to Hawaii. - I'm just saying, you did a fucking chick pay for your fucking thing and go. - The best part about this show with Jay is that he never listens to my stories. This is why I dominate him. Robert and Burst, have you been to Hawaii before? - Yeah, I've been to Hawaii before. - You just do. - I paid for it myself, so. I've been sitting here getting the vibe of these guys, what you guys were bickering, and I've got a feeling it's been. I don't know, immediately gave me the vibe right away. - A little bit of a beta energy, like a woman might be able to dominate it. - You said it, you said it. - That's not a beta move. - Having a woman pay for your trip, that's a massively beta move. - And defending it is double beta. - Ooh, Jay, you can't say double points because you say double beta. (upbeat music) - I can say it. - I can say it. - Oh my God, you gotta hand on it and drop it. - But you have another one. (laughing) - What is this? (laughing) (laughing) - I'm just, this time, and I'm usually in bed, cuddling with my pug juahua. - I feel like if it was Robert, we would have heard a story about a bunch of civilians trying to push him back into the water. - Yeah. (laughing) - Robert is massive, but also says, having somebody else pay for something is a very Jewish type thing, so maybe it could be John Lovitz. - Yeah. - No, I've been away, but it couldn't have been me because I had to pay for it 'cause the hookers I brought couldn't afford it. (laughing) - I would have to assume, Ben, is this you? - I love whales, I'll cop to that. I mean, I love movie dick, and I love great, big fat people. I mean, I don't know, if someone was paying for the vacation though, I'd feel, I wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't feel, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't feel down at all. - I wouldn't care about the whole thing. - I wouldn't feel weird about it. Who would be most likely to feel weird about that? - Jay would feel weird about it. - I wouldn't feel weird. - Jay would feel the feeling. - The feeling is the important thing. - Yeah, I wouldn't, it's not that I would feel bad about it. I would never in a million years do this. - You would never go, "Well, watch, you would never go to Hawaii." You've never been to Hawaii, I know that. - No, I wouldn't let a chick pay for a fucking trip. - Yeah, only you two could talk a girl into that. (laughing) It's one of, I think it's not me, what? - If it was Jay, he wouldn't feel bad that she was paying for the trip. He would feel bad that she was asking for him to take his t-shirt off. - Sure. (laughing) - You're not wrong about that. And also that she was talking to me. - Why don't you wear a whale watching? She just called it that. - Just look at me and binoculars in the shower. (laughing) She goes, "Wale watching, I go, "Stop!" I'm not having fun. I know you paid, but you can't do this. (laughing) - When I, if a woman paid for the trip to Hawaii, I would not feel like a loser. I'd feel like a winner. (cheering) - Yeah, 'cause I'm Jewish, so I didn't have to spend my own money. - Woo-hoo! (laughing) (laughing) - Well, thank God they like us. (laughing) - This is the most fun Nazi party ever. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. - Well, my defense, I'm not a Jew, I'm Jew-ish. - Yes. - John, at the end, unfortunately, they start chanting gas, gas, gas, gas. And then it gets weird. - I played Hitler in a movie. (laughing) - I'm getting Ben vibes. Ben, have you been to Hawaii? - Really? I've never been. - I've never been. - Why don't we ever say that? I've never been. - I've never been. - I didn't travel. - How about this, Lewis? - I'm pretty sure he's the only guy with enough self-respect to feel like a loser. He's a strong man. He's in the gym. This guy. - Oh, and the woman paid because she felt physically threatened by his presence. - That's right. It was one of those unspoken pay-or-else. (laughing) - I think it was Lewis, and it was last week. Look how tan he is. (laughing) - He's Puerto Rican. (laughing) - You can't tell if by his personality or the fact that he doesn't speak Spanish or anything about him, except for his skin tone, but he is Puerto Rican. - So it's a permanent tan. - And his, yes, and his sparse fucking landscapery mustache. (laughing) - I'm gonna get the voting going. I'm getting Ben Vibes all day long. The way he said that he's never been to Hawaii was strange. I'm locking it in right now. Ben Avery is my vote. I, I don't know if you've ever been to Hawaii because I don't listen. - I have been to Hawaii. When? - How long ago? - Like five years ago. - Did a girl pay for the trip? - No. - I paid for the trip. Obviously I paid for the trip. - I don't believe this. - Please. - Wish your vote. - Who else? No one else says this. You think this is a fucking badass move. Pay for it, bitch. And then you feel like a loser when you got there. - Maybe. - Shut up. - Good. - Oh wow. - I was there all week. Jay has been locking in an answer and then changing his mind last minute. So I do appreciate the fact that you fucking suck with your guns this time. But you just wasted your vote. - Did I? What are we thinking? - So I was gonna go robber. - But right now, I'm looking to eat Lewis. - Me? - Yeah. I think it's you all the way. - Wow. - All the way. - Wow, we got two guys going. - How do I get it in this slide? - Yeah, lock it in. Two votes for me, wasting your votes. - I was gonna vote for Lewis as well, but it already locked in at Ben. So we're voting for Ben. - Oh, I guess. - I voted Lewis before they asked the question. (audience laughing) - It's like this guy doesn't even need books. (audience laughing) - Who? - Who's there funny? - Three votes for me, a couple votes for Ben. Alex, whose story was story number one? - Story number one belongs to Lewis Jay Gomez. (audience laughing) - It is Lewis. - I knew it. - He's a salesman. - It was more than five years ago. I tried to lie about that. I was at a time when I didn't have a lot of money. - Most of your life. (audience laughing) - 19 and a half of the 20 years I've known you. (audience laughing) - I was talking to this chick who was a self-made millionaire. This chick, she actually lives in L.A. She won't talk to me anymore. And she goes, she's like, come with me to Hawaii. All expenses paid. And it's exactly that. I was like, yes, fucking Hawaii. How cool will that be? She's like, we'll go, I'll watch you. - I'll watch you. - We'll go swimming with the sharks. We'll fucking go to see a volcano. I was like, this sounds incredible. And then the second I got off the plane, I was like, I'm a fucking loser. (audience laughing) I'm letting this woman pay for all this stuff and I couldn't enjoy it at all. I couldn't get my dick hard the whole time. It was a problem, yeah. - Oh, I think she slapped you on the ass when she went to go get a drink. (audience laughing) Okay, keep looking good. I'll be back in a second. (audience laughing) Oh boy, all right, Alex, where are our points at? - All right, in last place with zero points, Robert Overse. (audience cheering) - I'll be back. - In fourth place with one point, Lewis J. Gomez. (audience cheering) And tied for first place with two points each. Big J. Oakerson, Ben Avery, and John Lovis. (audience cheering) - They love one J. scores points. You guys are pieces of shit. (audience cheering) - They're lovable. - They're happy J. scores twos. (audience laughing) - All right, gross women. Fat gross women is what I'm at. They're ready. to two out of ten. Yes, I have a wake in my path. Hey, story warriors, real quick. Let's thank one of our sponsors for today's show. And that is GLD. No matter what you're up to this summer, you need to be rocking some good looking jewelry from GLD. You know, this is the music festival season pool parties weddings times. You got to look good, look your best. And GLD has changed rings, earrings, and watches to elevate any look. And you don't have to spend an arm in a leg on good jewelry. GLD gives you high quality craftsmanship at a truly amazing price. And there's real gold in every piece and hand set stones. This stuff is looking so good. Lewis is out there. In fact, he had to step away because he's getting so much astronaut in him with these cool, cool, Cuban links to him and his son have. Whether it's a simple piece or something a little bit louder or even your own design from the GLD custom shop, you're going to find something you love. They also have DC comics collaborations as well as a bunch of sports teams. It's really Father's Day, birthday, any kind of gift giving time. This is the place to go. And for a limited time, new customers are getting an insane deal. Not only do you get that lifetime warranty, but if you use the code wars with a ZWARZ, you're going to get 40% off at GLD.com. Come on. 40% off with code wars with a ZWARZ at GLD.com. Go get blinged out and thank you Slater. Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank hymns for supporting the show story warriors. Make some fun stories with hymns. That's what I say. Because look, you probably have some embarrassing stories where your penis just isn't working the way that you want it to work. And hymns gives you personalized prescription treatment options for EB, with trusted generics, like last 95% less than brand names and their own specific products like hard men's and sex or ex-class climate control. Jay, you pop them in your mouth 15 minutes later, you're going to rock hardcock. Simple as that. Oh, yeah, totally. I have such a rager. I mean, I know you need this. I have a natural rager, which I'm going to start showing Alex. I talked to her, talked about this. She called me soft. I don't like it. Alex, look at it. Alex, look at this right here. So it looks soft to you. Listen to it. Let's know you hit the wood. Yeah, I thought so. I like this. Oh, oh, look who's quiet. Oh, you like that? The nice slap sound. Do you like that right there? That's just the, by the way, that's on my, that's on my mouse pad. It's a real wood. Do it on my cheeks. Ooh, that's fun. I kind of make, kind of make music with your cock slapping your cheek, make an o-face right now. Ooh, who's meant to cock, ready? Wow. You can do that too. If you simply go to him, you get their simple online access to personalize and affordable care, ed, hair loss, weight loss, and more hymns.com slash wars with a Z this h a m s dot com slash w a r z for your free online visit today. Prescription required. See website for details and important safety information. So then a fill is the generic version of Viagra. Viagra is a registered trademark of Beatrice specialty LLC. hymns is not affiliated with or endorsed by Beatrice. Story words. We want you to love the show for the rest of your life. And that is why you need to be proactive about your health. And that is why we love super power. It is a one quick blood draw that tests over 100 biomarkers. You can unlock detailed information about your heart, liver, thyroid, hormones, metabolism, nutrient levels, or even environmental toxins. J was on super power. And he found out that he's gay. It's actually a real thing that happened. So I can't believe that was in my blood work in your blood work. Well, I don't want to tell you the bad news now. That is terrible. That was in my blood work, because you know, it comes after finding out your gay, your blood work. Just visit a nearby lab or have super power send a licensed professional right to your house. And they create an action plan just for you, based on your results. This is it, dude. I'm 44 years old. As I'm getting older, I'm constantly thinking about how I'm halfway to death. And I want to extend my life as long as possible. And super power is a way to do it. They give you supplement suggestions, nutritional guidance, lifestyle, behavioral adjustments, really, really cool platform, really cool program. And it's for the one thing that you need more of which is time. We are all running out of time. I don't take super power because I'm looking to run out of time. I don't want this thing keeping the madness going for any longer than it has to. But if you do, if you're happy with the way things are going, stop guessing about your health and work with super power for a limited time story warriors are going to get $20 off to unlock their new health intelligence. It is a fantastic service. A great product. Make sure you head over to superpowered.com right now and use the code wars with a Z. And you're going to get $20 off your membership. That's code W-A-R-Z over at superpowered.com for $20 off that membership. Check it out. Extend your life. Be there for your loved ones. See your grandkids. Check it out right now, superpowered.com. Code wars for $20 off your membership. All right, let's get back into it. Alex story number two. Story number two. You're great at this part, Alex. I passed out in middle school and when I woke up in the hallway, I heard the nurse telling my best friend that they'd "carried, fatter kids than me before." Ben, Ben. I'm getting big J vibes on this. Has it ever a fat kid been? I got up to like two thirty-five, you know. Not that fat. Not like, you know, I didn't want to kill myself, but I'm feeling like, I'm feeling love it's on this. This feels like a love it's kind of zinger. It's so dumb. Fuck you. It's so deprecating, you know, it's funny. You're all kind of fat. And I feel like nurses were meaner back then. Back then. How old are you? I'm 33 years old. Thirty-three? Thirty-three, yeah. Thirty-three, and I'm 68. So I'm 35 years older than you. Yeah, I guess I am. I know, I guess I am. But say, for the first 35 years of my life, you were technically dead. That's true. You gotta be there. It could, all right. Did he take a shit? Oh, Robert, were you ever effecting? Because you're a big, big boy. I was definitely a chubby kid four short, but the problem is they'd never carried a fat kid. I've never passed out. That's the other thing. Yeah. I was a big boy. I was big. Damn. What? All signs point to you. There were fatter kids. When did you get, Jay, Jay, what, how old were you? You got your nickname. Middle school? Seventeen. Seventeen. Did a nurse give it to you? No. No, it was the girl who was dating my friend, my other friend named Jay, and we became big Jay little Jay. The bummer of that was he was like six one two hundred. Huge dick. That was little Jay. And I was big Jay. That's a big you are. They still called you big Jay. Yeah, I mean, Jay, this is kind of your story to. But interesting that the passing out, that can be a clue. Who's passing out in middle school? Probably someone very nervous, right? I don't think it's anxious ever passed out or dehydrated. It did not blacked out. They're not on pills. It's not true. It's passing out. Yeah, Jay, you do have a debilitating alcohol problem. I don't think it's debilitating. I mean, yeah, I mean, look, I don't want to be mean, but this does sound like your story. Well, this fucking mean to say that. Also, you love that thing. I think it was Robert. I mean, just get this from, well, look at him. Yeah, I was going to have the same problem. I love it. I love it. Coming from you, keep it coming. I love it. Well, it's not like you're sveled. This is crazy. He's in the middle, by the way. This is. I know. I feel like we're both in coach, we're being assholes, not letting him. Ben, Ben, you technically still haven't met John love it yet. Dude, if I was sitting on a plate and he sat in the middle, I would literally get a refund. Dude, I'd be like a blatch. You're going to spear it. Like, get your cameras out. I'm going to turn this motherfucker down. No, I'm not a backstage. I thought he was a wrestler. Yeah. He's huge. He's massive. I guess I'll get the vote and go. I guess I'm going to go on Big J. Ocarson. It's weird. Do we just go down the line? No, you go whatever you want. Yeah, we can do it as a play to also another Big J. Robert says Big J. Ocarson, a first John Love It's vote. It could be John Love It's. I'm voting for Robert. You didn't do anything. You had a lock in it. Wait, what? He didn't finish it. He had a lock in it. He didn't finish it. He didn't finish it. He didn't finish it. Oh. Sorry. I'm a new tech genius. I forgot the rules. This technology from the future, John. Oh man. This fucking shit lock. I'm a little robber. Look at Big J's acting right now. He does Netflix is watching. He's finished. You're going to feel like a real dumb piece of shit right in front of Netflix. (audience laughing) With my camera. Alex Oliver answers her and who's story was story number two? - Story number two belongs to Robert Arvus. (audience cheering) - Yeah, I told you I was a chubby boy. (audience laughing) - Hard to believe. - John Dablin. - My friend was, his mom was donating blood and is the first time I'd seen a bag of blood and I did not know that it was gonna do that to me. I closed my eyes for a second and woke up in the hallway and the nurse was like in the room behind me talking to my best friend and I literally heard her say, oh, I used to work in Hawaii and they had wayfatter kids in this guy. (audience laughing) - Oh yeah. - True story. - Wow. Well, how big were you in middle school? - But you're, I mean, you gotta be a, you're 300 pounds. - 300 pounds. - 300 pounds. - In the seventh grade. And how tall were you? - I don't know, I was short. I was like a square. I was very short, very big and then I grew taller. - So, yeah, wow. - Yeah, steroids are a hell of a drug. - Awesome. (laughing) - You should try, I'm fat boy. - Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. (laughing) - Lewis is fat, Lewis is fat, Lewis is fat. - I didn't mean to do that to you, I'm sorry. (laughing) - Uh, there's fatter kids. Alex, there are fatter kids. There are fatter kids. Alex, where are points at? - All right, in the last place with one point, Lewis J. Gomez. (audience laughing) - Thank you for your support. - Tied for third place with two points each. Ben Avery and Robert Obersd. (audience applauding) - Tied for first place with four points each. Big J. Ogerson and John Lovitz. (audience applauding) - Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice. - We're never going to get that for you. - J is, you're Jewish? - Yeah, that's everyone's reaction. - Rosenberg, my mom's maiden name's Rosenberg. - Oh, I thought you were Mexican. (audience laughing) - You were hoping I wasn't. - No, but I really did. (audience laughing) What's wrong with you? - What's wrong? - You're Jewish. - Dressed like a gang banger from-- (audience laughing) Fucking Jesus Christ. (audience laughing) - He's trying to pass. - All right, Alex, story number three. (dramatic music) - Story number three. - A five foot three inch man and I were taking a meet and greet photo with a man who was six feet, six inches and 400 pounds. He was standing between us and fell backwards. I stepped away to let him fall. (audience laughing) The midget tried to catch him and got pulled down and squished. (audience laughing) - I mean, so many measurements, I, if you read this in John Lovitz voice, it's definitely John Lovitz. (audience laughing) A five foot three man and I were-- - I stepped away to let him fall. - We were taking a meet and greet photo with a man who was six, six and 400 pounds. - So you got pulled down and squished. (audience laughing) - I don't have an argument against you. - Yeah, nobody else would be doing a meet and greet photo. (audience laughing) Also, John's from '79 when you can say midget, no problem. - It's true. (audience laughing) Better time, the best, the greatest generation. - A little person tried to catch him. (audience laughing) - That's really good. - I just realized I'd do a great John Lovitz impression. - I have no memory of it. (audience laughing) - The end of the story should say dot, dot, dot, that's the ticket. (audience laughing) - These are crazy. (audience laughing) - John, who do, if it's not you, who do you think it is? (audience laughing) - Robert. - It's Robert. - No, I don't know. I don't know how, I mean, a meet greets with someone who's famous and you guys are, yeah, I could see why you think of it. (audience laughing) - I don't know, it could be R-A-R-E. It could be R-E. - No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not ever it. - Oh, you're not in it. - But I bet one of your dumb fucking fat friends who's like, I worked out twice, wanted to take a picture with you, and that could be a $6,600 pound guy. - I thought, my first thought before Louis sold, you kind of, you kind of created a fucking Hawaii. I thought Robert, first. - Just reading $6,600 pounds throws it right at me. - Yeah. - And I think that's why it was written that way. - Yeah, he would have just said a dot. - I would not say $6,600, 400, I wouldn't have said. - Do you think, I'm loving to throw it with that kind of fucking energy? - I missed that. What would you say? He was like a spelt man was nearby. - A spelt man, a tiny man, a weekly tried to step to me as well. - Jay, because who would let a guy fall like that? - All of us, every one of us. Every single one of us, that part's not a clue. That does get us the whiteness. - What did I crash? - I, this, I mean Lewis, how is it not John Lovitz? You have to know the way you did that. - I know, that's all I can think of now. - If it's not John Lovitz, I mean we should all vote for John Lovitz and whoever's story this is, did a great job at writing a John Lovitz epic story. - It's Lewis's story, that's Lewis's story. - Now tell you this, five foot three man and I were taking a meet and greet. For a second, I thought this was me. I thought that was five foot three, Kevin Hart. (audience laughing) But we've never done a meet and greet together ever. - I'll tell you why it's not Jay. He has aggressively told me in private that he won't do meet and greets 'cause he disrespects his fans. - Sure. (audience laughing) He doesn't like his fans. - No, dude, I live in mystery, like Axel Rose. If you want to ever meet Jay, you have to like wait an hour after the show, 'cause he'll just sit in the back so he'll go until everyone clears out and he said this to me. He was like, if there's like four or five people that wait until the end of the night, I'll go out and I'll spoke with him and hang out. So that's the way to get to meet Big Jay. So everyone tonight just stand outside of that door. - And what do you want? - Just be somebody I say hi to and high five, or do you want to be my long-term friend 'cause we hung out for an hour at the end of the show? (audience laughing) - I'm socially shy. - I think the setting here, I think it's Comic Con. - Okay. - A giant fat guy, it might be a Comic Con thing. Do you go to Comic Con and do meet and greets ever? For something like that? - I would go to a big Comic Con, but 'cause they pay you a lot, but I haven't been invited. (audience laughing) - You just got a set. - I thought for a second you were, I thought you thought that Robber was on Game of Thrones or something for you. I didn't know what was happening over there. - Rhymes is gemstells, motherfucker. (audience laughing) - No, I, I do stand up, but if they put meet and greet and the thing I go, take it out, take it out 'cause I don't know what to say. I just awkward for me. - Me too. - See, but John's doing this as well. He's doing it. - He's doing a self-suming thing. - He's there, gently at them. - He's touching his face. This is what happens when I, like I, I used to be an FBI profiler. - But you're touching your face. - I'm doing my impression of you. I'm you're touching your face. (audience laughing) - Okay, and here's my impression of you. Hey, everybody, oh, where's my dick? (audience laughing) - Screw. (audience laughing) I swear to God. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) - Yo, on my life, I happened to close my eyes when you did that and I thought it Lewis, I was in the Lewis move. (audience laughing) - Where's him? Where's my dick? - Get the rights. - Where's my dick? - Fuck, dude. - You know, fuck with the mask. - Me and Lubbock. Me and Lubbock's have it out for each other today. Where's my fuck? - I never thought I'd have an enemy in John Lubbock's. - You knew this would come one day. - Yeah. - Yeah, I mean, I gotta go John Lubbock's. - Yeah, I mean, just come on. - Just come on. - If it's you, I'm gonna not check you. - Please, with what dick? (audience laughing) - You all think it's me? - It's four John's across the board and let's see what Johnny Boyd is. - John Solid Robert. - Maybe that was my first thought. My first thought was Robert. - To 11-11, let's wish on an answer. - Just, story number three. - Alex, come on, you retard. - Belongs to. - Somebody throw a cookie at her so she boosts bonds. - Gonna be very hurt. - All right, let her, Alex, who's so, is this? - Now you guys have to wait for a second. (audience laughing) - Why? - Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. - Why do we have to wait? Does G my gap to spoon up your fucking spit? Fuckin' let's go. - Story number three, Belongs to. John Lubbitz. (upbeat music) (audience applauding) - It was so funny. (audience laughing) It was after, she was me and Robbie Schneider. - Oh shit. - And then in Oklahoma, and this guy comes back, he's like 60, older than me, I don't know. He was huge, as big as you were bigger, even. Gigantic, and then he goes, he had a cane, and he goes, "Ah, here you go, big tree at YouTube." And then he goes, "Oh, oh." And I'm just like, "Oh, no." (audience laughing) Let him fall, and Rob's trying to hold him up and he pulled Rob over, Rob's like, "Ah!" (audience laughing) Oh, it was so funny. That's so funny. [LAUGHTER] Oh, wait. Rob's five, three, the-- Rob was the midget. I thought there was another midget in the store. No. No. Rob was the midget the whole time. I thought that, too. So Rob was the original midget. Yes, wow. I called Rob a midget. He's five, three. Deservedly so. Deservedly so. He's a great guy, but you know, he's not-- he's not what you called tall. [LAUGHTER] Three stories down, where are our points? All right, in last place with three points, Lewis J. Gomez. [APPLAUSE] The game, he's in the game. Tied for second place with four points each. Ben Avery, Robert Obers, and John Lovitz. [APPLAUSE] And in first place with six points, Big J. Oaker Sam. [APPLAUSE] Are you guys here for one of the nights? [APPLAUSE] I don't get how Jay's ahead, just because it's his show. And he can read the questions before the game starts. That's what I accuse Lewis of every week. I never win this game. He's-- we've done almost 100 episodes. Jay has won four times. Some, it's like six. It's crazy. Are you guys sponsored by Red Bull Pink Shit? No, Lewis is just fueled by it. I'm fueled by gay Red Bull. Yeah. Doesn't Jay look like Big One or Kissing? That's the spray tan talking. Alex, story number four. Story number four. Well, going for a Peeer on Chestay. I'm reading it like I wrote it. It's a wild thing to combine. I'm reading it again. Alex, set me up again, please. [MUSIC PLAYING] Story number four. Thank you. Well, going for a Peeer on Chestay, I got stuck in a piece of gym equipment and almost passed out while two are the men had to get me out. I mean, this has to be Robert. It's PR personal record. PR's personal record, yes. What is it? Oh. What's a PR? Puerto Rican. What? It's going for a Puerto Rican on Chestay. A pubic region? Yes. What's a PR? Personal record. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Like you're higher. This isn't a tack on me. That's what this is. This could be somebody trying to write a story to sound like you. You're the only person here who films himself exercising. Exactly. Exactly what I was thinking. That's not me, I promise. Oh, come on. This could be Ben. This could be Ben playing the game right now. Ben's a smart guy. Quiet. Yeah, look at his face. He's got a fake surprise face right now. Are you trying to throw it to Ben? Yes. There's two things. Two reasons. I know it's Lewis. I know it's Lewis. Please. One, because on the way out here, Big J called me a fucking body builder. That's one. They don't even know what the difference between a strong man and a body builder is. Two, he asked me what I did for a living. He doesn't know what the fuck PR means. You are the only one besides me up here that knows what that means. Point your finger at me again, motherfucker. Oh, shit. No way. I've got a fucking table. I'm not afraid of you. You know what? This day's been coming for a while. Just let him work it out. Let him work it out and then everything's going to be cool. Two aggressive. Sorry, two. Let me say this as well. Big J also, he does one exercise and that is specifically a bench press. That is it. It's not true at all. What else do you do? I do lat pulls, and I do these things with the machine we got, and I do curls, and I do these things, and something like this, I go. Why listen to a podcast for a little bit? I mean, I'll tell you right now, this is not me. I understand why it would sound like me. I know how to play the game very well. It will be a smart move to throw it over. I think it's you. To Robert. Because you did this last time where it was you and you tried to say it was me. You're doing the same move. That's the entire thing. You're thinking about the story, he's like a PR on Chester, yeah Ben, talk about your clang and bang sessions for me, would you? Ben's not a small guy, but it's a big guy. He's a small, but it's definitely not fucking John Lovitz, Ben Avery, or me, probably. That's definitely one of two people. Why? It's a fucking genius. It's either it's one of you two, because I would never go to Jimodoo Chester, I would do bosom days. Yeah. No homo. I think this is big J for the same reason that you guys all think it's me. J's been playing the game for a while and he's gotten pretty good at the game right now. Have I now? Yes. Well you're the only two that look like you work. He doesn't need to work out. You don't work out. Are he's not playing? True. I've sent many PRs. Yeah, J. Who an happy ego that one of you, who is the big bro, who likes to brag? Oh, big, awesome. Yeah, the J stands for Trust Me, bro. Send your records. Send your records. You guys are idiots. I'm letting you write no. Jay, he's either Robert, just putting the most on the Robert or you. And if you are still wondering, that means it's you. It's not. Listen to me. It could be Robert just putting the most obvious Robert story, Jay, what are you doing? You. But Lewis, why would he do this? You're going to get him or on for everybody else. Let's stop it. He's not going to do two passes. I think it's Jay, guys. Stop it. You already have a pass out story. You already have it. You already have it. Oh, you already have it. It's PR. Oh, you're mad at it. You're mad at it. You're mad at it. He's going to pull so far ahead. Yeah. He does not look at him now. He does not look at it. As of right now, I would say it's not Lewis. Oh. Oh, we so happy. We're going to space. I'm sick of it. You fucking dumb idiot. I'm happy. You just got annihilated, dude. You should have painted it if it wasn't you. You should have put Robert right away. I mean, because this is such an obvious Robert story that I think it's big Jay. Alex, whose story was story number four? Fools. Story number four belongs to Big Jay. He's getting it. This always happens during single points. Just when I get comfortable, I'm going to get fucking annihilated later. Yeah. You run the gambit. No, we are idiots. There are two of you who's going to get stuck in the machine. No. You. So not a machine. So this is my stepfather was a power lifter. And so he had to always bench pressing with him. And he was super into it. And Robert, you probably have better equipment for a better idea for this now. But to aid you with bench pressing heavy weight, it's going to bench shirt. And it was a shirt that didn't have any give to it. And it was eight sizes too small for you. So you have to like baby powder your body and get it on. And dude, I went to go get this thing on. And I was trying a new one out. There was a little bit smaller than the last one that I got my last best one. And him and one of his big power lifting friends were over. And I got, they were trying to get me in this thing. And it got down to where, dude, my fucking, my heart was in my stomach. How much body was pouring out of underneath this shirt. And I went, I started sweating and I was like, I go get it off, get it off, get it off. And then it started pouring it back up. But it's not coming up. It's sticking to my body. So it's up over my arms. Do you see what's happening? It's like inside out now. But over my face. And I'm like this, don't talk to me. Talk to them. Fuck you guys. I'm going to help your story. It's only single points, dude. And my arms look like this and I was blocking this thing. And I started to fucking pass out and I slid down the wall. And the next thing I remember is my stepfather got to slap me on the face of you. You good, bud? First of all, stepfather gives you a slap of like, you're not my kid. But if you die, your mother's going to leave me for sure. I was fine. Never got that PR. 365. Yeah. Smartplay by Big J. Putting in a story that was obviously Robert O'Burst. Alex, where are points at after four amazing rounds? All right. Tied for third place with four points. Each Ben Avery, Robert O'Burst, and John Levins. John. In second place with five points. Lewis J. Gomez. He's got a saw right through me. And in first place with nine points. Big J. O'Burst. If you believe it. and I believe, and he believes, Jacob with this game tonight, who are those? You could be here on one of the nights. We really have, we're really doing it, Red Bam. Louis, can I tell you how bad I want to bring home, the body keeps the score, brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel Vanderkulk? Please tell me. Because the steen physician, Dr. Vanderkulk, demonstrates in detail how trauma can manifest itself in so many different ways, such as erratic weight shifts, addiction, lack of focus, and even bouts of angst. It's about me. Providing a definitive roadmap for anyone who needs to begin their recovery. [applause] So exciting. Jay, you get to keep the book that you already bought. [laughter] Oh, Mr. Love, it's this game as far from over. Before we tell you why. You need this book. I do need this book. You want that? We are at the halfway point of the show. Let's do some quick plugs real quick, and then we're going to get to our second half. John, is there anything you'd like to promote on the show? [laughter] I'm doing stand-up shows with Andrew Dice Clay who are doing in Phoenix. [applause] And I do stand-up, I'm brilliant. And Philly? And Philly? Yes. Where in Philly? What? What place in Philly? That's where I'm from. I didn't say Philly. I thought you did. No Niagara Falls, but they're your close. [laughter] Wait, did you think Niagara Falls didn't fill Delphia? [laughter] Was your world scope so small that you thought Niagara Falls? That's how I'm with the whole world. That's how my mom called it when the black kids' parents would turn on the fire hydrant in the summer. [laughter] Oh, my God. It sounds like Niagara's house. Yeah. That's why we're not getting on that flip. Yeah, thank you, Netflix. I don't think you called it Niagara. Yeah. [laughter] No, shut up. Terry would never do that. No. No. Robert, what do you point to my friends? Just follow me on Instagram. And if you're a fat piece of shit looking in to get a better health, you can check me out on theamericanmonster.com. There we go. You came to the right place. [applause] Penny Avery. That piece of shit. Listen to my podcast, "Limit Party" with Jason Avery and Devon Costa. Thank you. Patreon.com/LimitParty. And go to my website, BenAvery.live. I have a show at the comedy store at the end of this month in the belly room. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I stream on that site. So yeah. BenAvery, the man. Thank you, guys. Big J. Greatest deaper life tour happening right now. Fucking check me out. Look for a seat under you. It never ends. I'm going every single weekend. Also, check me out on the bonfire. Five days a week of action. Talk series six and one-on-three with me and the great Robert Kelly. [applause] And of course, "The Flagship Show" over here at Gastigio, collegiate a motherfuckin' skanks. [applause] We are freaking out, John Lovitz. [laughter] What is that? Hansen Bolzen. What is that? We got to have John Lovitz at "Fuckin' Skank" as I say. Hell yeah. They're saying that you're a skank? Huh? We're all skanks. We're all skanks. We're a legion of skanks. I don't know what that is. [applause] Yeah. What does it mean? Well, it's technically we make our logo with our hands. That's the logo. It makes skanks, skanks, things like undisirables. Yeah. It's a 15-year-long running podcast with me, Ari Shafir, and Louis J. Gomez. Yeah. Same lineup, I'm sorry. [applause] Ari Shafir, what do you think? I got a new storytelling show out right now called "The End." [applause] It's "Hour Long Specialist," a stand-up comedy story. It's told by the greatest comics in the world. Big J. Oakerson. Myself. [laughter] Tony Hinchcliffe said the "Into It" dome right now. He's on it. [laughter] Not known as a storyteller. [laughter] And anyone but Louis. [laughter] It's available right now at ourshafir.com. Guys, check me out on the road. If you ran on me this tour, go to my website, Louisofsanks.com. And if you guys love this show, the most important thing you can do is get the uncensored ad-free version that is a pre-release every Monday night on gas-digital.com. There's about 70 episodes that are not available anywhere else. You can only get them by subscribing to gas-digital. Use the promo code war. You save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. And there's also thousands and thousands of hours of other uncensored ad-free shows. And yes, get my book, "Knives and Spoons," available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Thank you so much. [applause] A memoir. A second half. We have each second half of the show. And what probably most of you guys feel like this sucks and you're not going to win. But don't worry. You will. Because for the second half of the show, well, are you a former story warrior? Why don't you tell them what we do? Well, here's what gets weird about this part, guys. We've been dealing with the minor with single points. We're about to step it up. We're about to go with double points. [music] You suck it. You fucking suck it. Holy shit, dude. Holy what do I play on that ball? You're guiding it right into his fucking lap. What type of Dominican are you? You dropped that fucking. Oh, dude. You're a d-age only. It's a pretty simple concept. We explain in the back before a few. If you like those points, these points are double points. [music] Hey, Ben. How many points do you get for this? Double. [music] He said, "Yup." That was not your fault. That was already said, "Yup." That was mean. He said it. I'm gonna have to then say the P word after, too. Double pussy. [laughter] He said, "Double pussy, all day long, Ben." Yeah, he's just saying it. [laughter] The lovely Ellie Stockholm in the front row. [cheering] Guys, join our only fans. Join Ellie's only fans. You know, God knows I am, remember. The East Dance for Error. [laughter] Dominican. Oh yeah, laughing at that. I got no choice. Pretty simple before. If you fold somebody, you got one point. If you got the correct person, you got two points. That now, of course, jumps up to double points. [music] [laughter] Oh yeah, dude. Alex, story number five. [music] Story number five. Okay, this story ends, starts strangely. [laughter] Starts with Seraphina? Get me, obviously, another goddamn glass. A bodega cat on the rocks. I've been sitting here dry mouth for quite some time. Do your fucking job. You well-titted bitch. Get on there. It's gonna be anybody. No, that's Alex. No, that's Alex. Guys, we're never getting on Netflix. Stop with a retard jam. You need to stop it. They're here. They're watching. If we can't trust you with retard, we cannot book a black comedian for this show. You know, it's funny. When I was on Netflix, the only thing they told me I couldn't say was retard. That's sort of God. We are nailing it. Home run. Well, that's retarded. [laughter] [cheers and applause] John Lovers is a skankfest, dude. Make it happen. Yeah. [cheers and applause] In the 1960s, a family member of mine killed a bag of puppies with a hammer. [laughter] Holy shit! So I guess that's like, it's been weighing heavily on your mind. She, I can't figure that one out. You're Puerto Rican. [laughter] Jews wouldn't do it. Oh, the ones that lost the fight you're thinking. Yeah. Killing a bag of puppies is the most evil thing a human could do. So it must be a Jewish person. [cheers and applause] [laughter] They, they change it every time. I feel like West Side story is going to break out in a second. [laughter] This is the most diabolical story that's ever been on story wars. It's fucked up. There's only one person up here who was alive in the 60s. That's true, but it says it's a family member. That was a family member. I've ever did it in the 60s. My mom was born in 61. Thank you so much, eventually. [laughter] The lovely Sarah Fina, everyone. The lovely Sarah Fina. [cheers and applause] The former man, but all woman now. Hey, Sarah Fina, if you come up to give someone a drink in the future, don't walk away while some other person is going, "Yeah, me also, me also." What is Heidi when you need her? Yeah, seriously. [laughter] Sarah Fina is like Heidi's hot granddaughter. [laughter] That's right, Keltoni. Fuck you in the video, though. [cheers and applause] -Yeah. -Brah, brah, brah. -Natural. -Natural. -Our bullets are hitting the Teflon outside of the Into-A-Dome. -Kakakau. Kakakau. Kakakau. -If we combined all four of our nights here at the Comedy Store, we could have filled one of the little sections at the Into-A-Dome. -We're like one little box. -Man, it would have been a wall after. -Yeah, they would have loved it. -This is a psychotic story. I don't even know. 1960s could be somebody's grandpa. Ben hasn't had a story yet. Ben's got a darkness to him. -Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Ben's got a. He's very nice. So I met him always. So I judged him completely based on his actual niceness. But if I step away from that for a second, he's got zero killer glasses. -Yeah, Tom Arrests. He's got fucking. Don't give a fuck mustache. Like, I'm really. Like, I'll bring home a guy or a girl. It's a good fucking poll for either one, 'cause mustache says big dick or god are among the guys. -Yeah. -And the fucking aggressive piano player here. For all those reasons. I'm going with Ben Avery. Quick voting by Big J. -Whoever didn't grow up near a body of water, 'cause that would have made a lot more sense. -Yeah, they would have. -Dround 'em. -That's a great one. -Dround 'em. I dated a girl and her father drowned a kitten in a pillowcase threw it off a bridge, tied it up in a pillowcase, threw it off a bridge. -Who are you being? -What is that? -Louis. But before I vote, is it you? -No. -It is not me. This story would haunt me if this was my story. -Is it? -No. -It does haunt you. That's why you wrote it down. -No. You would have heard about the time that my grandfather murdered a bag of puppies with a hammer, Jay. -I don't remember things. You tell me about what you did. You think I remember what your uncle did in the fucking '60s? And also, you just said uncle, and it says family member. -I said grandfather. -Is that grandfather? -Whatever it is, whatever it is. I'm assuming this is a grandparent of Ben. -So I just want to say Louis said murdered. It could have been a sister suicide. -It says killed. -It's Ben Grandfather's or John Lovis's ex-wife. -You're dead me. -Robert, did you deal with any darkness as a kid? -I've always had a puppy, I've always had dogs, and no. I would not be cool with this. This is definitely not my story. -Well, no one's cool with it. -Did you think of this story as cool with it? -Nobody is like, hey, someone in here is like, that was awesome. -The way my grandpa hammered a bag of puppies to death was so badass and cool. -Well, how were those puppies dressed? -If it was Louis's family member, they would have stabbed him. -The person that did it could have been a kid in the '60s, grew up. -Fuck Jay's mom. -It was easy. If you were a local Philly radio DJ, you were in. -That's why you had a stepfather because your real father did it. -Maybe. -Check, maybe. I don't know. -I've been podcasting with Big J for a very long time. 15 years, I've known Big J for over 20 years. I think I would have heard about his family member killing a bag of puppies with a hammer. -Yeah, we would have jerked off ass to ass together. -We'll say it again, but slower. -We'll finish this versus gay. -She used puppy blood for Loub. -Oh, my God. One step too far. That's why we're not on Netflix. -Yeah, too blue. -Yes, stories like this are not going to get us on Netflix. -What are they talking about? You've been very quiet over there. -I just don't know what to say, man. Definitely not my story, though. -Who do you get a vote for? -I'm going to vote for Ben. Ben's got the same weird posture he had last time I voted for him. -Well, I'm trying to give you a room. Especially if this is in your bloodline, I'm trying to fucking lean away. -My family wouldn't have needed a hammer. -Oh, Jesus Christ. I just watched John Lovitz think about leaving. -Just shit in my pants. -John Lovitz, you are one-four-one. -That was so violent. You have no idea. -I'm going to be smashing. -Man. -He hit the table. I felt my chest cave in. -Yeah. That put the fear of four noogies into me. That was a real, on the bully scale, that was four noogies. -Louis, well, your grandfather's name wasn't Adolf. -No, no. No, no. -Dolfo. -No, my. -Dolfo J. Gomez. He's named after him. -Dolfo Hitles. -Yeah, no, look, this isn't me. I also am getting a Ben vibe here. But you don't have to wait for us to vote. You guys need to vote, yeah, yeah. -Do you have any relatives named Perrito? -He's got the beard. It's the phenotype. -Bend votes for Robert. -The way you're waiting, and the way you jumped out there early makes both you look suspicious. -What? I'm talking about Ben. -Robert votes for Ben. -It's Robert or Ben, to me. -I'm luck in Ben and as well. -I think we all think it's definitely not John Lovitz. -No, son. Yeah. -No, my family's nice. -No, but there was that one guy. -Wow. -Oh, it's coming after me. -You wanna see Perquay, but I'm a little scared. -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -You know what I said? -I don't know why, but my dick is on fire. -No, I don't know why. -Alex, Oliver answers her, and whose story was story number five? Whose family member killed a puppy, a bag of puppies? -Story number five belongs to Ben Avery. [ Cheers and applause ] -Can I say something before you tell the story? I saw Ben looking into the story and shaking it back and forth, thinking at the time, like, in real time going, "I don't know if I should have told this." [ Laughter ] -Guys, your story's like a remake on Lemon Party. It does not get less dark than that. This is the darkest story that's ever been told on the show, but please, Ben, whatever. -It was heavy stuff. Was the -- right? Metaphorically and everything. Look, it was my granddaddy. You know, he's a granddaddy. They do stuff like that. -Sure. -You know, it's in the name. And I was fishing with my -- what's up? -I'll go ahead. I don't think granddaddies are known for that. -No, it's right there in the name. Dude, he's a granddaddy. Just things real on a big level. -We should hear this. I'm sure it's a very funny story. [ Laughter ] -Trust the process. -My dad told me this story when I was fishing with my daughter, and he told me this story. And I was like, "Let me cover your ears first." Good Lord. But, yeah, I still don't know why he did it. -You're his dad? -No, my granddaddy did it. His dad did it. He looked like it's kind of a funny -- It is funny if you know he looks like Colonel Sanders. So, if you imagine Colonel Sanders doing it, it adds a level of -- -Yeah, now he's funny. -But he's -- [ Laughter ] -Tradue the most time. -But he said, "My dad -- I asked him, I was like, "Why did he do that?" And he goes, "They were just hungry." And he -- So, he just -- I was like -- -So, he fed them a hammer? -He fed them. [ Laughter ] -But, uh, yeah. But my dad grew up on a farm with my granddaddy in West Texas, and they just -- He told me, like, four more stories after that about how he had to go out and, like, kill dogs and shoot dogs, because they were stranded. -When did he tell you that? -When did he tell me it? -How long ago. -Like, six months ago. -What? -Yeah. -He told me, like, six months ago. -This is a story you tell to your son as you're molesting and letting him know you're not the -- You're not the biggest monster in the family. [ Laughter ] -Hey, at least not your grandfather, right? [ Laughter ] -We were fishing. It's, like, a fishing. We were fishing, and then, like, right after that, he was like, "Man, he goes -- The Jews are so lost." [ Laughter ] -Cats in the cradle, man. [ Laughter ] -Cats in the cradle. [ Laughter ] Alex, where are our points at? [ Laughter ] -All right. -It's a crazy story. -In last place with four points, John Lovitz. [ Cheers and applause ] -Good. I don't want that fucking book. [ Laughter ] -In fourth place with six points, Ben Avery. [ Cheers and applause ] In third place with eight points, Robert O'Burst. [ Cheers and applause ] In second place with nine points, Louis J. Gomez. [ Cheers and applause ] -And in first place with 13 points, Ben J. O'Burst. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Druly, anybody's game still? Don't get cocky, Jack. -I'm not. I know this -- I know. I know what happens. -All right, folks. Let's take a quick moment to thank Shopify supporting the show. I love Shopify. I use Shopify for body-bring coffee. Everyone knows that. And it really just makes it easy. If you are trying to run a business, it's really hard to do everything from running a website to an e-commerce platform. and Shopify gives you all the tools that you need every step of the way. I have the app right on my phone. You'll hear it all the time, Jay. You hear the little chiching. That's my Shopify. Every time I get a sale, I get notified, which is the most fun part of the app in my opinion. But they have tools that help you. - Oh my God, the USB rich, I've heard that ding go off like three, four times already in the last few months. (laughs) - Is that one sale every time? - Yeah, one sale every time. - So Shopify is easy to use tools to help your business grow. You can customize your brand in the Shopify design studio as well. You could run social media campaigns, email campaigns, everything you need all in one place to make your business run smoother. I genuinely use this, I'm on bullshitting. So, and they also have 24/7 customer service, which is pretty incredible. So, it's time to turn those what ifs into (bell dings) with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/WarsWithAZ. That's Shopify.com/WarsWithAZ. Once again, Shopify.com/WarsWithAZ. - Hey, story warriors, let's take a chance to thank one of our sponsors for today's shows and that is Brunt Workwear. I would've said Brunt Boots, but there's so much more now. Even though they are the most comfortable, worn in, feeling fantastic boots you're ever gonna wear, but now Brunt Workwear also has clothing made for real work. Tough enough for the job site, comfy enough to wear all day. Brunt's founder grew up in the trades and wanted to build hard, wearing clothes, not a fashion brand. Brunt let you try your boots on the job. And if they're not perfect, guess what? You can send it back for a full refund. That's a 100% risk-free trial. - We're just boots, as we said. - Jay, we're supposed to say this, obviously. They pay us to talk about their products. We're not pushing you, right? Obviously, that's part of this thing. I will never wear another pair of boots for as long as I live. I swear to you, this is the, I really mean this. I have a bunch of boots. I have a bunch of expensive, really expensive boots that they feel like you're over selling though. You're not going to wear any other kind of work boots. Brunt doesn't make those thigh-high stilettos that you like. - Oh, well, my pro wrestling boots for my butchleabray career that people don't know about. - Your butchleabray career. Those flat bottom white boots you wear. - Oh, that's right. I do dress up as Gene Simmons in that kiss cover band. - You wear your demon boots. That's right. These are all things brought, can't you? - Detroit Cox City is my kiss cover band. - But if you Detroit Cox City fucking rules, dude. - We all have our coxs out at all times on stage. - PCC, you guys are playing, they're playing the drunken monkey in Levittown, Long Island this weekend. Make sure you can second me out, Detroit Cox City. We're Lewis, we'll not be wearing brunch. He will be wearing his demon boots, but then going home and putting on his brunt's to feel comfortable. That's right, stop overpaying for work wear that doesn't last. Brunt is offering story warriors a huge way to save with their starter kit. Bundle their top boots and work pants for 10% off. How great is that? By going to brunt, BRUNT, bruntworkwear.com/warswithaz, and then use the code wars withaz, at checkout for another $10 off, 10% off, and then another $10 off, if you go to bruntworkwear.com/wars and use that code wars. It's a top tier gear for an incredible price. Plus you get that risk free trial, so there's no reason not to give it a shot. Go check them out right now, bruntworkwear.com, code wars, $10 off. All right, let's take a quick moment and think, Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. We love Body Brain Coffee here at Story Wars, and you will too. It's premium freeze-ride Colombian coffee. A lot of these functional coffees, they don't even use coffee. This is a real coffee we start with. Then we added four other amazing ingredients that help support hormonal balance, your overall mood, brain function, memory, everything. It is for your body, your mind. It is super easy to drink as well. Your soul as well, your butt. They're individually wrapped sachets, so you can bring them on the go, drink it hot, cold, put it in a protein shake. Whatever you need, right now, go to BodyBringCoffee.com, use the promo code War20WA or 2-0. And we're gonna give you 20% off your order today. And if you guys decide to subscribe, we're gonna give you free shipping on top of that 20% off. So BodyBringCoffee.com, we love it here. You guys are gonna love it as well. Simple ingredients, all natural, keto, vegan, all that shit, BodyBringCoffee.com, use that promo code War20. All right, where were we? - Alex, story number six. - Story number six. - My last girlfriend was a fat bipolar alcoholic. The sex was great. Thankfully, she finally dumped me. (audience laughing) - My last girlfriend was not fat. - I do, yeah, I don't know. - She was all the other things. - No, it ain't fair. - She's a fucking slobber. - This isn't Lewis. - No, my last girlfriend was pretty toy. (audience laughing) - I hope it's John Love It's So Bad. (audience laughing) (all laughing) - Why? (all laughing) - Thankfully, she finally dumped me. Yeah, I think me and me, like I know, Big J, your last girlfriend was like 20 years ago. - Yeah, well she probably, I don't remember who it was, but she was probably fat. - No, no, but maybe now. (audience laughing) - Yeah, if it's an alcoholic, it means she'd be with a guy that drinks, too, and I don't drink. - It's terrible logic. (audience laughing) - That, yeah. - Well we're backstage, you could tell I'm the Jewish guy 'cause everyone's smoking pot and I'm the one eating the tacos. (audience laughing) - That's true. - Robert, what was your last girlfriend like? - Uh, she was not a big girl. Um, I don't know. - You fucked a tiny girl? (audience laughing) - When he was done with her. - Tiny girls like big guys, man. - That's true. - That's true. - No, my ex was not a big girl. I've had, I've had big girls, but not my ex. No. My last ex, not my last ex. - Ben, what about you? What, what, you're, you're so cute. - You're married now, but what was your last girlfriend like? - Oh man. (audience laughing) I met my wife pretty young, so my last girlfriend would've been in like eighth grade. - Toy, fat, fat, fat, fat. - We're trying to think. - My last girlfriend was also an eighth grade. (audience laughing) That's pretty sick. - It's true. Not fat. - Not fat though. - Which is crazy 'cause she would crush, launch pizza. (audience laughing) - The tables of that age as well. - Wait, I should climb the rope, it was crazy. (audience laughing) - Yeah, this is a hard one to pick here because all three, I don't believe it's Jay. And you know it's not me. It's one of these three boys. I'm getting Robert of Burst Vibes. I think he had a big girl that was great in the sack. When you're that big of a dude, you need a big girl. You need a big fat ass. When you can pick 'em up and make 'em feel small, it's nice, true. - Robert, I want you to pick me up and make me feel small. (audience laughing) Deal. (audience laughing) - Robert should submit so he was like, "One time I was walking Harry Potter around Dagon Alley." (audience laughing) And we found him a wand. (audience laughing) - Oh man. - Jay, Jay. - I would laugh more than if I wasn't such a muggle. (audience laughing) - Hey, Turkey. - Jay, this first time I met, well maybe the second time I met you. - Second time? - Oh, I don't remember the first time. - Yeah. - But I know, but what was your last girlfriend like? - Your last girlfriend before your-- - Yeah, how would I figure that out? - Well, he had a girlfriend and wife that overlap for a day. - Well, if you had a girlfriend, what would she have been like? - I mean, did you just stop it fat? - I mean, do you think Jay? - If you liked girls, Jay, what would she-- (audience laughing) - No, I never had a girlfriend that was a fat by polar alcoholic. - Lying. - Individually, I've had all those things. (audience laughing) - Yeah, I don't think this big Jay, I'm getting o-burst vibes. He's a good liar, we found that earlier on. When he said he's never passed out. And now he's smiling, he can't hold it back. - It's sweating, but that might be normal. - That's just being fat. (audience laughing) - He's sweating too, motherfucker. - Yeah, I don't know why Louis' fast-voting makes me think it's him for some reason, but I know that this would be a lie, so it's not you. And so for whatever reason in the world, and I'll be honest with you, I'm just going my guts tonight and it's doing pretty good for me. - You gotta go with your gut, Jay. (audience cheering) - John Lovitz. - Love it. - Jay Lovitz, John Lovitz. John hates it, I run away. - Well I'm going with big Jay. (audience laughing) - I have no clue. - I mean. - Jay thinks all sex is great. - Why would I go against Jay? - I can't believe what's even happening. - I mean Jay's streak is great right now, so I'm just. - Go with John. - And it's funny, thankfully she, you know. It feels like a little Johnny. - What? - No. (audience laughing) - No, I guess I fucked up then. - He looks like he just pushes chips with three, seven offsuit. - I mean, to stay with a girl that's fat, bipolar, alcoholic, 'cause the sex was great as the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard. (audience laughing) - John is known for three sims with models. (audience laughing) - Your reputation precedes you. (audience laughing) - Yeah, I got. - Robert Loxin, his vote with big Jay Overson. We're going to need a ruling on this. - Well this will be interesting. - Alex, who's story was story? Number six. - Story number six belongs to John Loveitz. (audience cheering) - No, in my defense, the sex was really gray. (audience laughing) Why else would you stay with someone? I'm admitting as a fucking idiot. Tell us more about this girl. What was her name, where was she from? - Her name was, well, I don't want this to get back to her. I get to her her nickname. - Sure. - Well, I mean, she was, I mean, I don't know why it's there, but she was mean, she's always making fun of me down below, you know. You're small, you're small, you know. And I don't know, I mean, if I meant doubt or not, I mean, I was standing next to a horse the other day. (audience laughing) Completely nude, no horse said damn. But we were in bed and I said, "You think my balls are small?" And she goes, "Mean those two peas hiding behind your clit." (audience laughing) - She was mean. - No, but it was her. I said, "It's not me, you're, it's you, "your vagina is so big." You know, last night she was sleeping a plane landed and then crashed into another plane. - Oh my God. - Though her vagina was so big, there's a possibility we're in it right now. (audience laughing) - Good night. - Good night. (audience laughing) - The great round of love, it's great story, John. - Yeah, she was in. (audience applauding) - Where are our points at? What a game, you guys have a fun? (audience cheering) What a game. Alex, where are our points at? - Tied for fourth place with eight points. Each, Robert O. Burst and John Lovitz. (audience applauding) In third place with nine points, Louis J. Gomez. (audience applauding) In second place with 10 points, Ben Avery. (audience applauding) And in the lead with 17 points, Ben James Anderson. - They're so excited. Look how happy they are. Who's the second? Who's the second? How many seconds have? - Second place has 10 points. - Oh, there it is. - But there's two stories left. This is truly anybody you see. - What did I want? - But Jay, how did you know it was me? (audience laughing) - I don't know. I told Jay-- - What made you think that was me? - Two nights ago, I said, Jay, trust you're got the first thing you think. Just keep with that, stop changing your answer, and now he's doing that tonight. So I'm winning technically. (audience applauding) - Louis taught me, now I have the glow. (audience laughing) - Big J. Okerson, Hidden Jew. (audience laughing) - Undercover Jew. - What's your real last name? - No, my real last name. It is my real last name, Okerson, but my mom's maiden name is Rosenberg. If you guys want to get in my bank account. - Oh, oh. (audience laughing) - Oh, I thought you changed. - Alex, story number seven. (audience applauding) - Story number seven. (audience laughing) - That was shit. (audience laughing) - Jay, where do you hear it? - I held a man in my arms while he died in a parking lot. - Was the man heavy or was the situation heavy? (audience laughing) - No, that's the who would hold a man in his arms, trying to take advantage of him sexually. As he's dying, I held him in my arms and kissed him. Jay. - That's very, yeah. I would be in the program for you. - Yeah, once I see the eyes go dead, then I go five second rule and I touch their wiener. (audience laughing) I go still warm. - I mean, I don't want to keep on going back to the well and saying that me and Big Jay have known each other for 20 years and I would know if he ever held the man while he died in a parking lot. - Yeah. - You remember the story I told it to you, then it started raining and I ripped my shirt open and it screamed in the heavens. - Why? - Why? - Why? - Take me, Lord. (audience laughing) I mean, this is a crazy story. Ben did put in that extremely dark story before. This could be a theme of dark and heavy situations. - It could be very much, but. - I don't know, man. I think I'm too homophobic to let it. - To hold a man? - To hold a man. I go get a little bit. Give me some space. Just a little bit, you know? I don't want to touch, would you touch a guy's crotch as he's dying, like press him into you, you know? - Yeah. (audience laughing) - I want to send him to the fucking pearly gates, right? - Do you think it's me? - It's not Louis. I would know by the time Louis held the man while he died. It's crazy. It could be, man. I think it's Robert. I think he was doing security for something and some terrible happened and he is all the guys. - I never held no man in my arms, bro. - You just watch him die? - Yes, we tell my family that I love me, he goes, "Not involved, bro." (audience laughing) - I'm trying to try and not think about it. - I've done security, a lot of security, but I've never held a man while he died. - He tried to do the thing where he like, he closed his eyes, but he crushed his skull. (audience laughing) - I'm still-- - Louis, where are you from? - Well, I was born in Patterson, New Jersey, which is one of the roughest towns in the world. - Yeah, fucking hell. - I sing the song, Bruce Springsteed. - It is. - And-- - "Root of Empowering In New York." - I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is, you know, not that tough, but-- - He was killed by a son of a Rockland County. - Were you ever in a gang? - That was what me and Suzy were yelling at all mulch up. I'm sorry, John. - Wherever it was ever in a gang. How racist are you? (audience laughing) How did they let you be on television for all these years when you're actually a racist? - I know, that was all white. - Well, where are you? - Never. - Yeah, I technically wasn't a gang in the seventh grade. - Oh, no! - He called it. - It was a gang, yes. But, you know, we were all in gangs in the seventh grade, weren't we? - This is cool, haven't we? - We were all in the Obuelos, like you. - I also wanted to open the guy who's dying, so I said to him, he's like, "I'm dying." And then some guy just like puts you in his arms. - He's like, "Bro, what? "It's gonna be okay, bud." - Can you-- - Can you get me a woman? - Call the ambulance, don't-- - Ah, ah, don't touch me. - Yes. Get the fuck off of me. (laughing) - Get your-- - Get your K-hands off my body. (laughing) - I wanna see this being J, just because, I don't know if you guys know what it's like in New York, but if you get a parking spot, if someone's dying in there, you're like, "Get out, hold him." (laughing) And reserve that parking spot. And I'm circle, sure. - No, but Louis, you didn't use the box, you said. - I'm sorry? - You're used to a box, right? - Yes, I boxed him and to death and then held him in the back. - Can you be killed again? - Can you be on the ring? - In a parking lot. - No, I'm safe. - You didn't get one perceived who he is first? - No, that's what I'm saying. Boxers are, like, I know Mike Tyson forever, he's a very sensitive guy, but he's a fighter. And you're like a fighter, which means you're very sensitive. So I think you're the only one that would have the guts to help someone and hold them as they die. - He would? - I mean, I wouldn't hold a man as he died if I, but it just isn't me, all right? (laughing) I would, guys, I would also hold a man if he died. (audience cheering) - I genuinely think Big J has nailed this. I think this is Robert doing security at some sort of, like, fucking concert. Some Metallica show, some kid got trampled in the mosh pad. - Oh, dude. - And then he literally told the kids he could do security. - I used to, I've done security a lot. A lot of security for a lot of different people. I've never had to hold anybody in my arms from security or any of that shit. No, I worked at rough clubs. Like people, it's a dog thing, what are they, it's called rough club, and then puppies come by. (laughing) - It was a cool rough club. - We got like a sharp neighbor there too. - And then Ben's grandpa comes with a hammer and fucking smash the fucking heads and fucking rough club. Just banging a bag of puppies against a tree. (groaning) (laughing) - You worked at a rough club. Did Lewis show up when he was 12? (laughing) - Let me in, let me in. - I think I did. - I finally answered with Jay Lops, for sure. Robert O'Burst, that's the answer. - It could be Lewis, because quite honestly, I don't know his stories, 'cause he just goes right through me somehow. (laughing) - I actually think he used to be-- - The Whis. - I'm saying Robert. - I'm so sorry. - But if it's Lewis, I'm not racist. (laughing) - True. - Everyone votes for Robert on this story. - Step Lewis. I've generally found, when everyone votes one person, either that guy dominated or it's that person. - What else could it be? (laughing) - You just gave the two options. (laughing) The fact that Robert was the only one to call me on that makes you guys all fuckin' retarded. (laughing) - You know what, I love about coin flips. (laughing) You either gonna get heads or tails, baby. Alex, who's sorry, we're sorry, number seven? Story number seven belongs to Robert O'Connor. (upbeat music) - Is it exactly what Big J said? - No, it wasn't security. I used to, in college, I worked at a group home and it was for adults. And I'm gonna change the guy's name 'cause he was a good dude, but there was an adult that lived there, Jim and when I got hired they told me like you are the presence we need in this house And I didn't know what that meant But what it meant was Jim used to terrorize everyone that worked there cuz he had a four-foot dick like fucking I know the plate Guys makes life tough and Jim used to beat it against the wall all day So I mean anybody else that was working had to go wrestle it out of his hands When I was working I just knock on the door. Hey Jim knock it off, you know, he liked me But uh, if you like it that much you would have kept going After about a year of working there Jim got sick and it was back in the day of math question We took him to a doctor's appointment and this about to get dark Tell him to a doctor's appointment and they wouldn't take him cuz he was really fucking sick And so they were like you got to take him to an ER. So I Carried him put him in the car and we drove back to the office to get math quest directions And she was printing out the math quest directions. I looked over and his lips were turned in blue So I pulled him out the car and I held him as he passed away right there Well, was it raining? Would you rip your shirt open? You waste that moment or you only get a couple of those in your life tops and then did you take a picture of his dick? Next to a wine bottle That was a heavy story Oh, my god. Where are our points at seven stories down Alex? This is Jay is running away with this game right now Lower, so I'm sorry. It's okay. All right, John. We're gonna be friends after this. I thought you were the sharks Alex in last place with eight points Robert O. Burst In fourth place with 12 points John love it In third place with 13 points Lewis Jay Gomez Yeah In second place with 14 points Ben Avery And in the lead with 21 points Now just so you guys know technically me and Ben are still in the game. We can catch up to Jay John and Robert. It's you know you guys you can play giant killer at this point You can always play giant killer. We have one they can catch up because the double points they can catch up. Yeah Those points could possibly take you home the body keeps score brain modding and body in the healing of trauma by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk trauma is not personal failure Don't think that the body keeps the score shows us the road to recovery comes from letting go of the past And rebuilding your sense of safety and control with this book you can reclaim your past Build your future and is this dick out build your future we're all looking already sick is now and reward your brain and your body With ultimate peace We have one more story you guys ready for your final story Come on Los Angeles Alex story number eight Story number eight While my ex was going through drug detox and rehab I respect you at all Ha ha ha Alex let me have again story number eight While my ex was going through drug detox and rehab and was also helping her mother cheer on her stepfather who's Who's three biological children just moved in with them because their mother died in an accident I dumped her My uh, yeah, my my love life is very well documented This is not my story Yeah, that's the same fellow called Bishop John used to be As a John If I didn't know better, I'd say it was me Helping her mother cheat on her stepfather Who's three children just Yeah, I'm thinking I don't think this is Lewis nope It could be Ben. He sinister. I don't I think I would marry her. I don't think I don't I think Ben has been with his that it's a true story you actually have been with your wife for a very long time Yeah, we met in college. So like 20 years old. Yeah 13 years. Oh, but that's It couldn't be Jay because you know you're a fat Hey, let me break in real quick your old girlfriend you went Let me break in real quick how many women here think they're an eight or above No, okay, but then I have no announcement Look by the rules died by the rules Uh, I think this has been her John this is what I'm getting that I think this if it's John it's the exact same woman that Was in his last story. Well, no see your force you need to go back to You say I think Wait in that story did she dump you or did you dump her? My story yeah, I was gonna do she dumped me the sex was great That fat bitch She was sexy Except for that cellulite behind her knees You can get past it Yeah, I mean if if it was that would be crazy if it was John he's helping his ex And her her ex's mother was cheating on her stepfather these people are 90 years old. There's no way This is John well read it Her mother to helping her cheater and stepfather whose children just moved in with them because their mother died in an accident Yeah, hello, I'm Jewish It doesn't happen that doesn't with Jews This doesn't my heart this is a hard one Are you I have you Priet Lou Lou Lou Lou is Lou is Jay Gomez You guys are just you guys are retarded actually the whole crowd They can just be fucking guided into anything Dude if we if we get if we get lulu lulu as a chant going we can we can do the next out of your area festival guys Netflix is a retard Look Lewis Jay Gomez Lewis, you go oh The jazz dance for true tonight I Mean I'm I'm really torn here. I think if this could be there could be Ben this sounds like a young crazy bitch in college She was going through some drug shit helping her mom cheat in her dad I'm going Ben. I'm gonna put the answer in right now. That's what I believe keep down inside I'm gonna go with you Because I don't it sounds like you but I don't I would know this you would know it Big Jay locks in Ben. Oh John. Love it. I love this song Luis Luis Luis Wow lots of Lewis. I'm a bad if they're right. I'm a bad friend. You are no because you had you seem like someone would help somebody Thank you John. Yeah Eight stories down to our final story Alex whose story was story number eight Story number eight belongs to Big Jay Let me just say this before it before Jake tells the story before before we go over the points, it's obvious who won. Jay, with the exception of me voting for him one time, Jay just played a perfect game. (audience cheering) It's not a perfect game, it's not a perfect game. - That's as close we've got. - The closest we've ever had to a perfect game. - Alex. - Jay's also the only player to ever score his zero points. - One point, short of a perfect game. - One point shy of a perfect game. The best game anyone's ever played. (audience cheering) You guys are here on a historic night. (audience cheering) - He is us, he is us, he is us. - He is us, he is us, he is us. - He is us. - Do they're so happy when you win? - Dude. - That was a wild game. Dude, I've been drinking since fucking two in the afternoon. - Well, let me tell you how to speech, speech, speech. - Well, the speech has to be the fucking story. (audience laughing) So yeah, when I was just at a high school, a girl, what happened? A girl, a girl I was dating for a while. When I started dating her, she had told me that she was a former heroin addict. And I was like, you know, whatever keeps that as in shape, I don't give a shit. (audience laughing) It wasn't love yet. (audience laughing) Almost got you. - Or you had my phone. - Yeah. And then yeah, her family was a man. Her mom was cheating on her stepfather with another guy. And she would like help her mom lie about it. And then at a nowhere, her step siblings had to move in because their mother died in a car accident. And all this crazy shit was going on. And I guess my ex-girlfriend started doing heroin again. And then her mom called me one day and said, she's unresponsive and bad. I want you to come here. So I ran there as fast as I could and she was laying in bed unresponsive. Oh, alive, breathing, but I shook her with my hand. And she farted. (audience laughing) And at that moment, I knew we were done. (audience laughing) And I helped her mom scoop her into a car to get her off to wherever she took her. That was last time I saw her. (audience laughing) Alex, make it official. Where are our final points? Big night here. - In last place with eight points. Robert O'Burst. (audience cheering) - I thought I was gonna kick your guys asses. I fucking saw her. - In fourth place with 12 points. John Lovitz. (audience cheering) Boy, Jay winning this is like Bob Barker winning the price is right. (audience laughing) - From an outside perspective, I can see how that feels that way. - What a, what a smile. What are the odds? (audience laughing) - What were then you think? - You really want this, but you need this. - You need this. - I do need the book. - Alex. - In third place with 13 points. Lewis Jay Gomez. (audience cheering) - Tax Max, Tax Max. - Second place scored 14 points. And your winner tonight with 29 points. (audience cheering) - Jay, Jay, Overseen. (audience cheering) - Skank. (audience cheering) - Alex, is that the highest regulations whether we've had? - I do not believe so now. - Never mind. (audience cheering) - The only person who ever got a zero in the highest score. Thank you all so much. That feels fucking dope. (audience cheering) And one of the nights happened here at Netflix the joke festival. You were here on one of the nights. (audience cheering) How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel, everybody. Ben Avery. (audience cheering) Robert Overse. (audience cheering) The legend. John Lovings. (audience cheering) - Of course, everyone's favorite two. The great Avery ship here. (audience cheering) - Thank you everybody. Watch me every week on Legion of Skanks. Yeah. (audience cheering) For Story Wars, I'm Big Jay Overseen. - I'm Blue and Shay Gomez. - Until next time. - Peace. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]