John Stamos | Club Random with Bill Maher

Every day at two o'clock, America turns into a zombie movie. And what's our solution? Chugging liquid anxiety out of a neon can. Your heart's hammering because you consumed enough caffeine to jumpstart a minivan. This is not a health strategy. That's why there's Ultra Nootropic Pouches. Zero nicotine, zero caffeine, just instant focus without the crash or the jitters. Ultra worked with neuroscientists to blend clean nootropics, Infinity PX, L-theanine, and B vitamins for steady mental clarity, a calm flow, instead of feeling like you're being chased. It won't wreck your sleep like caffeine does. Flavors like Blue Raz actually taste good, and it lives in your desk or gym bag for whenever you need a push. 90% of users saw significant improvements in focus, and over 100 football players trusted, including Dax. Dax, Prescott, and Joe Burrow. Ultra is the ultimate guilt-free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use code RANDOM to get 15% off at TakeUltra.com. That is TakeUltra.com, 15% off with code RANDOM. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. When you shop Kroger Delivery, you can experience a different experience than you might expect. TakeUltra.com is the ultimate guilt-free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. Our refrigerated trucks keep your items fresh while our associates are committed to getting every detail right. Carefully selecting and packing your order with care. Because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. And right now, enjoy $20 off your first online order of $75 or more. Restrictions apply. See site for details. Kroger. Fresh for everyone. do you watch the show yes that was my uh guilty pleasure i've lost all respect for you i don't blame you i don't know why we spent 22 years avoiding each other i wasn't i wasn't avoiding i just don't no no john really boy i was told i have no recollection of it that we almost had a fight once i'd like to first of all uh uh offer a complete and absolute apology i don't remember what it was but i don't i but in case it happens again we're not any younger i feel like we should not have a bare knuckle right right i think a regular fight yes with gloves but no bare knuckles okay fair enough look at you so i am such good shape sorry about what the fight i don't remember that apparently We almost had. Well, but you think I don't like you, and I think you don't like me. No, I never. And here we are. I don't think. Do you smell like rats in here? It smells like. Yeah, I feel like a rat died in the walls. Anyway, I don't have this memory. But this is just a funny thing. I always liked you. I know. Well, we've been, you know, we've seen each other forever. Seen each other, but you're right. I've never really talked to you, ever. Because you don't like me. That's the time I almost killed you. Do you know where it was? What year are we talking about? It was in the 90s, I think. It was at. The 90s. Do you remember? It was like a club. I was always in a club. I know, but you couldn't get in. I was a drunk and you were a drunk. Yeah, that's true. Okay, two drunks. Two drunks. I think we've solved it. Here's the deal. It was Randy Gerber and George Clooney's place. Do you remember they had that. Behind a hotel or something, it was like the hip place. Of course they did. I don't remember, but of course they did. And we were standing, and we were waiting to go in to the VIP thing. And I think they. Two asshole Hollywood white boys getting into a fight. Yeah, exactly. What could be more lame? Stupid, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I love you, Bill. But what was the fight over, do you think? I think I got in, and you didn't. Really? Yeah, and you were like, why is that fucking guy getting in my room? I said, fuck, shut up. And I think we literally almost. Shit. You know, got in. But why would I get mad at you for that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But I've, since then, I've been your biggest fan. I'm your fan. But when I see you, it's like either, hey, John, or it's like. Well, just because I don't push, what? The laughing in there. I don't push relationships ever like friendships. Like when they happen organically. I was once out with Salman Rushdie at the Tower Bar. And somebody came up to us and said. Duck. No. sorry that's no perfect um and they said uh you know how long have you guys been friends and we went like looked at each other like i don't know like he i know he did the show a long time ago it just happened organically yeah right you know the last thing you want to do as a talk show host is be the guy who like meet somebody once and hey let's hang out yeah can i have your number George Clooney it's like no no no no but you know but now it's happening it's fated to happen now it had to I had to write you a nice email and then oh so lovely thank you so much that meant so much to me did it really well because I love that Billy Joel show so much and him was such a you were so fucking what a great get to get yeah you went to him that shows you went to him you know yeah but somebody we both love the music but you were so spot on like you've interviewed you know everybody and obviously we've seen you with so many you know politicians and you know all that and you can go toe-to-toe with anybody but watching you go toe-to-toe with a musician like that was like who knew that you had that as part of your you know your repertoire i mean that's one reason i started a podcast yeah right because you know i would never do two hours with billy joel on you know it's not even a two hour show right but um oh i love music and i wish i could you know you can you have a great you know split portfolio with music in it i do not i have no musical ability to play anything no no twice i tried when i was 15 with the guitar i got somewhere with it but you could just tell if you're not really and then somebody gave me a guitar from fairly recently and the pandemic hit And I was like, oh, you know what? I'll pick up the guitar again. I'm home all day. So 50 years apart, I found out I have no musical ability. Really. Guitar is hard to learn because it's, piano, it would be easier. You hit three or four notes and there's a chord and you're done. Guitar, you got to press it and you got to get calluses. And you know who always thought he was a musical, who's now playing guitar all day long, is Howard Stern. Really? Yeah. He's playing guitar? I know he's another one who, like, knows his music. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? How do you know? He's very close to Billy Joel because they both, like, live on Long Island. They're married. It's like couples like to get with couples. You know, stars like to be with stars. People feel comfortable with their. Comics like to be with comics. Absolutely. They do. I'm jumping around, but I am a comic, stand-up comic junkie. I think. I'm a junkie junkie. Yeah, I was going to say. No, you're not. You're the healthiest junkie, I know. Why go through comedy? But I'm obsessed with stand-up comics and how you guys do it and craft and the science. Well, it's like, you know, it's the same with me watching you. I've seen you many times, like, at Jeff Franklin's parties playing, you know, you're an official Beach Boy now, right? Well, I don't consider myself that, but. Well, it's like, well, that's what I heard. Who told you that? Me? The same guy who told me we almost got into a fight. uh yeah uh i thought well anyway well it's been you know there's like guys who play with the eagles now i can't remember the the guitarist's name and he's like really a part of the eagles but like they're not you know the fans want to see mick and keith you know holding hands at the end of the show even though they fucking hate each other they're never gonna like they're not going out to dinner. Would it upset people, the Beach Boys? Fans are like that. They get upset about very emotional things. They treat their stars, especially their musical stars. We don't want John and Paul fighting. Mommy and Daddy shouldn't be fighting. And you certainly shouldn't be writing nasty songs about each other. Right. And one of the guys in the band shouldn't become good friends with Charlie manson shouldn't bring him home do you know this story oh you talk about brian wilson dennis wilson dennis oh okay yes jim dennis wilson was uh was out um he was he picked up two hitchhikers took him back to his house had sex with him went to the studio with terry melcher doris day's son had sex with the hitchhiker had two of them turned out to be squeaky from and um susan atkins comes home there's a party going on in his house and this little guy comes out and says i'm kisses his feet says i'm not here to hurt you man i'm here to serve you it was manson and right moved into dennis's house and never left dennis had to move out they crashed his cars so dennis i mean you know manson wanted to be a singer right yes and he found i know he was a spirit to the musical arts and thought he would advance himself - Yeah. - Through the Wilson connection. - Yeah, and Terry Moucher. - That's a good bet. - Yeah, sure. Well, he did. - Brian Wilson, write songs for you he wrote a song that the beach boys recorded and played on the mike douglas show called never learn not to love written by charles manson written with charles manson lyrics by jerome porter for some no i i don't that's they collaborated briefly at the end of uh and manson you know like when when um so they all thought he was a joke or mike called him pig pen or something and you know terry melcher who was doris day's son was a was a producer he produced the birds some other big groups and music producer music producer and manson wanted him and and he had a uh he was a musician he was a singer he had terry terry and bruce johnston had a group together they had spring little cobra won't you shut him down and um uh if it was a beatle song you'd know it um who was this play this was terry melcher and no you who's this artist bruce johnson and terry bruce john so anyway i thought terry melcher was the producer he was but he was an artist at first oh um and he the birds were great yeah turn turn turn is one of the greatest singles of any era not just the the fact that they turn biblical verse right right not that i'm a bible fan but that is really but that is a beautiful yes beautiful uh verse and you know the bible once in a while does stumble upon some wisdom right uh that is just one play not a little bit deuteronomy no no no those are the ones that those are you know like if you see a man lie with another man kill him yeah right this is more and it was a beautiful verse you know to everything turn turn there is a season for you know it's it's it's and to turn that and then the song with that 12 string guitar mcguinn right that he played yes all right so go back to your story just to well and so they so manson wanted terry to produce him and terry said you were shitty and didn't like him and so terry you'll like this you have a connection to this terry melcher owned the house up there we won't say where we were our friend's house our friends yes yes yes yes yellow drive yes yes terry owned that yes house where the murders happened yes till the day he died he thought manson was after him oh wow when manson committed the murders for a couple weeks they didn't catch him and the beach boys were doing coke and paranoid the mention didn't commit the murders because he was too much of a coward for that yeah right he was such a pussy there was like um kids daddy's staying home there is an errand that i did have to do if you just cover for me uh i'm just not feeling great you know that feeling right so okay you're gonna go listen to the white album real fast before you go there's a song what is the connection there helter skelter was they thought that that was speaking to them yeah yes another amazing song yeah i mean it's so we were playing so our friend jeff franklin owns uh built a house on that they tore the property down but he he has a house there that we've been to and at the uh he had a um an open house you know he is the producer of the show that brought you to the show yeah i mean it's a great show i mean it's a great show i mean it's a the tension of many zillions of uh full house we put a band together and the guitar player i can't remember what wasn't someone in guns it wasn't slash for something and he started playing started playing helter skelter and i'm like stop we tried to stop him he wouldn't stop and that was it but we shouldn't let that ruin the song no cool song what i mean you know it's how do you stay so healthy and you have control over the drinking and smoking well i don't have control over the drinking and smoking i don't have control over the smoking well plainly i didn't back in the day um i i didn't for i mean i i mean if you had a real problem i wouldn't never say i had a real problem because it never affected my work right right right and i and i didn't drink every day of the week but when i went out when i was in that era and i was younger we i mean it was not be uncommon to have eight drinks in a night because you would go to multiple places and at each stop you would have a couple of drinks right you know you were just full of stupid energy yeah yeah yeah to go and do douchey things yeah yeah and that the fuel for that was liquor we were always after the girls well yeah that's i mean that was part of it right you know you and i never fought over girls i don't think no yeah we like but i don't remember seeing you out that much and but then you got married you are married i'm married a second time a second time right oh right i was at howie's party and there was yeah so did somebody frank sinatra to your dean and jerry right frank sinatra to oh was it well remember frank sinatra when dean and jerry didn't talk you went on the telethon and he got right right right yeah well it wasn't exactly who were you beefing with oh jerry because he married her too right so of course but it was more like it wasn't it wasn't how he wasn't sinatra like it was just like if jerry would have jumped on dean's back because that's how that was jerry o'connell he sort of jumped him hey johnny i never i met him once about 25 years ago or something and i haven't spoken to her so it was interesting well you've only been here 20 minutes but i have to say it sounds like you're always beefing with someone you greek fuck yeah me of all people you you don't be for that you get along with everybody can you get everybody loves blomar across the thing oh no no no you know i have to i was i couldn't tell my father-in-law was coming on here but i didn't i want to say too that i you are a genius you are my north star for for being there was a relationship that i had that she said she thought she said i was stupid or said i wasn't smart enough to be around her people and stuff and i won't say who it was but you mentioned her a few minutes ago and i never sort of got over that but i was like i'm not stupid and i really buckled down but but i you know not super articulate into the political world i didn't grow up in with politics in my family okay and i learned everything from you and i stand with you it's great right where you're at i read your book i love especially the beginning you just lay it out so simple and i'm not gonna well i appreciate that because you know i get nothing but shit really uh i mean from the media from the hollywood establishment awards all that shit it's just like so i take a lot of shit i what but still being a liberal but that's not enough for these fucks moderate liberals yeah old school liberal is really like my yeah yeah but that's not enough for for the hollywood types anyway but you don't back down no but i don't back down and it means more to me that people like you appreciate that than all that other shit but you you can't have both i mean i'm up for a golden globe this year which is a good sign to me that um we're at least cracking the wokeness thing but i don't think i'll ever win in that room because it's a it's okay i don't think i'm gonna go but really yeah i mean i'm debating it but people kiss you're at when you're out i mean i'm sure yeah they do but but those people but not but not at the epicenter of wokeness right you know but it is amazing how many people do say the very similar things to what you say but and i so appreciate it because like i say it's such a compensating thing and you know there's there's fans and i you know i'm too insecure about any fan and i don't want to say that i'm too insecure about any fan but i do want to say that you know But there are people who, like, get you on a deeper level. You know, and I could tell you are that person who, like, really get what you're doing. I do. And other people, like, they enjoy it for a number of different reasons. And I'm thrilled if they get 70% of it or 50, whatever. I mean, lots of conservatives come up to me and they go, you know, I'm not really what you are, but, you know, I appreciate what you do. And you're honest and you call it like you see it. But it's like we're not exactly on the same page. But, okay. But I do appreciate you 100 percenters. I really do. And I can tell when someone really is one. I am. You know, I can always tell when someone's lying, when they say, I watch you every night. Well, I'm not on every night. You must be a real fan. Every Friday, I came and saw you. A friend of mine was in town. All we do is talk about you the next, on Saturday, like, you know, after we've seen your show. And I said, we should go see Bill Filmington shooting his show tonight. And you were. i came to see you yeah i mean i feel like it's a good experience sitting in that audience because first of all unlike other you know sitcoms you've done them i've done they stop tape this is just you're there for an hour i know you know you don't have to worry they're just gonna take a long time there's gonna be a lot of boring shit in between we start it goes from one thing to another to another and we're done and uh but you know what blew me the fuck away about you is like you're so like you i can't remember who it was but it was a you know pretty sharp person and you were throwing out quotes and things and stuff and you didn't look at your notes one time i'm like how the fuck does he know all this and remember all this well it was probably history i was history it was topical it was shit that this person was talking about and you are boom boom boom boom boom i mean well why do you do you think you have a great man i know you're super intelligent but well a lot of it's memory too do you think i'm not even super intelligent i mean they're like iq level i'm sure i'm not in like the and you know what i don't i don't want i don't want to be right you know people are they ha i want to be happy you're a medium iq what you're a medium iq person i i I think probably a little above medium. No, he says low IQ. Oh, exactly. Oh, of course. I mean. I love that. I mean, I'm not a genius, but I'm not dumb as a rock, sick, insane, wacko, very sad, or a crazy maniac. You're about three things on that list. I'm not a third-rate comedian. I'm not still a very dumb guy. I'm not a wacky guy. I'm not totally shot, John. I don't look terrible, exhausted, caught, and weak. I'm not a jerk. My show isn't dead. And I'm not increasingly boring. You're right. You're none of those things. But. I got a letter from him once. Really? Yeah, he came to see me at Cabaret. I was doing. Cabaret. Wow. You did Cabaret on Broadway? Wow, that's right. Studio 54. Were you. The emcee? Yeah. Oh, wow. What a part to get. It was. It was the second show I've done on Broadway. What theater was it? I know Broadway. Studio 54. Oh, wow. Did you ever go there? No, but I did a Broadway. I did a Broadway show. I got a. Right. A Tony nomination. A Tony nomination for that one in 2003 about the war on terror. And it was on 52nd. Oh, I can't remember the name of the theater, but I can picture it. It's very exciting to be in the theater district, I must say. Yeah. You walk out after the show and you see there's all the other people coming out and all the other shows. That's what I would say because, you know, like show business, everything's at different times. But in that eight block radius at eight o'clock. Mm-hmm. everybody's being ready to be entertained and all the entertainers are ready to entertain. And right at that moment, spark. And there's lots of stars. You know, you're a star. You're on Broadway. Or you could see George Clooney. Yeah. Or Jack Human. Right. I mean, Hugh Jackman. You hang out at Barstow Troll after Hugh Jackman. What did you say? Jack Human. Jack Human. Where were. Oh, so he came to. So I got a telegram from him. I didn't know he was there. A telegram? Back in the telegram days. Wow. It's a telegram. It's a telegram. It said, you know. Oh, me and Milani, I thought you were great, blah, blah, blah. And every time I saw him after, like with Howard Stern's wedding or whatever, it was like, you got my. Wasn't my telegram the best telegram you ever. Just like he is now. I'm like, no. You know, it was a good telegram. Yeah, but wasn't it the best? It was a perfect telegram. Wasn't I the only one who. No, a lot of people sent me telegrams. A perfect telegram. That's. I swear to God, it was that. He is who he is. He is who he is. I mean, that is not going to change. You know, they said no politics. No, no, no. I agree. No, I know. I know. Yeah, I guess you brought him up. You're right. I watched I watched your Rob Rob episode yesterday. Rob Rob Reiner. Oh, my God. Not to bring it down to that, but he was just here like a couple. It's September. It's always so mind bendingly weird. It's not the first time this has happened to me or any of us is certainly my age where you're with somebody and then they die. And you're like, it's just your mind. It's hard to process. They were just here. So, you know, I. Well, no, it was it was one of the spinal tap. He was plugging that, but it was very recently. And and, you know, I mean, gosh, I knew him for a long time. He did the show a lot and guys were going out to dinner. I mean, it's just I you know, it's hard to stop have it come into you again. It was just a few days ago. Hard to have it not come into your mind a few times every day, even after, you know, a few days of it, because it's just so shocking and horrible. I mean, you know, this guy was such a, you know, just a presence. Yeah. You know, just charisma. And, you know, he just was who he was. We knew him forever. Right. When kids. All in the family, at least. And I was still a kid, you know, and all through his changes and director. And, you know, I was asking me for a quote from I'd give it to the free press about the discussions we had in recent years were a lot about him not being able to get funding, you know, because of his. Yeah. Well, and he's not the only director of a certain age who's told me that. And I just was saying this town is very ageist and very not not very nice. Right. To people who have done amazing. I mean, he's got a pretty iconic resume of movies. And like, you know, I remember him saying, you know, if it's not spandex and or, you know, it's very hard to, you know, for even somebody of his stature to get that funding. And I mean, life goes on. The generation that's probably going out to movies, they don't want to see things like that. They have a different and that's what every generation is and deserves to do their own thing. Right. But ageism is I mean, it's such all my God. You know, I started off the first show I did after the soap operas and Tony Geary just passed away, too, on the same day. Who was right. You were on the soap opera. I was on there and I'm old, too. You know, we're both aging out any minute. Yeah. But they show you on TMZ and they all and all the girls always go, I can't believe how good he looks. I don't care. The girls on TMZ meet. Yeah. When they're talking. No, when they show you on TMZ. Why are you watching TMZ? I watch it. Oh, you're buddies with Harvey or something, right? I love Harvey and I. OK, good. I mean, it's, you know, well, we weren't talking about TMZ. But yes, I but they when they show you and all the girls are like, oh, I'd still do him. You know what? That's pretty good. All right. Well, I wouldn't say it about me. You do fine. No, no. They don't like me just because they're they're woke, stupid. What I was going to say was the first show I did after there was I worked with Jack Klugman. Jack Klugman. And he was my first mentor. Odd couple. Yeah. Odd couple. TV odd couple. Yeah. Movies. It was Walter Matthau and Jack Lemon. Jack. Did you ever meet Walter Matthau? No, I saw Jack Lemon walking on the street my first week in Hollywood. I was very excited about that. No, but they and then Jack Klugman and Tony Randall did it on TV. Yeah, my best. One of the Gary Marshall, right? Wasn't that what made? Yeah, it was. I mean, you know, I was watching him in Hollywood. And Jack. So I was on I was on that show with Jack and he was like my first mentor. I'm saying we're talking about ages and when these older men that I gravitate towards and and Gary Marshall was on there. Jack. One of the greatest things that Jack did was he would sit me in the writers room on Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever the punch up night was. And it was Gary Marshall, Harvey Miller, Jerry Belson, these titans of comedy. And I would sit in the corner and I just keep my mouth shut. I have to throw shit at me. But he would make me watch them rewrite, come up with jokes, structure, all this stuff. And Gary was one of them. And Gary was the one who suggested me to Miller and Boyette to do Full House. Is that right? And Gary was a mentor as well after a while. When you shop Kroger delivery, you can expect the savings you love and fresh groceries delivered right to your door. Carefully selecting and packing your orders. Remember with care because bringing you fresh quality groceries is what we do best. And right now, enjoy twenty dollars off your first online order of seventy five dollars or more. Restrictions apply. Kroger fresh for everyone. And then Gary passed away. You know, I may be misremembering this, but I think I was offered the part on Full House of Saget. You might have because Jeff. I seem to remember. It being a big thing. Mark Gerberts would know that we really debated it because it was money and it was the lead on a show. But we just thought it wasn't right for me. Kids, me, kids. But of course, Bob, that was a good decision on both parts. If that was the case, this is like nineteen eighty eight. That's interesting. Is that where the year went on? Eighty eight? No, earlier, I think. No, I think it was because I took this other show called Hard Knocks on. Showtime. Oh, that one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, on Showtime. Well, shut down. It was just starting a network. But it was cool. We were we were mismatched detectives. I was like the other guy. Tommy Hinkley was like a redneck detective and I was Gower Rhodes, the hippie detective with long hair. And, you know, there was girls and it was like, oh, this is just much more my vibe, you know? Yeah. Right. Right. And of course, it probably had an audience of three hundred thousand at the time. Oh. I'm sure it was there was another guy who said it wasn't available and you turned it down, I think. And so there was this guy named John Posey to the pilot and then Bob became available and then he came over. Oh, you didn't do the pilot. That's interesting. Well, I was on a show once where they changed the Sarah. That was a big show on and Sarah. It was nineteen eighty five. It was my first Sarah. Gina Davis. Oh, that was Gina Davis. It was for lawyers and produced by Gower. And written by Gary Goldberg, who was the hottest at the time because of Family Ties. Yeah. So it was Cosby NBC's lineup. We were sandwiched between like Cosby and Family Ties. It was an or maybe after. I don't know. But it was a very good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Gary Goldberg at some point had a almost a fistfight with Hollywood with Brandon Tartikoff, the head of the network at a taping. And we knew we were dead after that. But it was Gina Davis. We were four lawyers in San Francisco. Bronson Pinchot was the gay one. Alfre Woodard was the black one. Right. - Wow. - Geena Davis was the lead and I was the office creep. - Really? - I was, when it said in TV Guide, the office creep. - Fuckers. - Yeah. - Oh yeah. - I had all the funny lines. - Yeah. Office creep box. - Better to be the creep. - Yeah, why not? - Yeah, office creep. - Don't wanna be there. - Yeah, you were like Uncle Handsome. - Yeah. - You know, that was like, what the fuck was that? - I didn't get anything funny, I didn't make my own shit. - Jack Klugman called, the show was called You Again and it was from a show in England called Home to Roost and it was a son who came home and the father forgot that he had him or whatever, it was like this. Yeah, and the notes kept coming back that soften up, you don't wanna scream at it, stay with us, people like him and you're so hard on him. And one day he called me over and they had this set phone and he said, come here, come here, come here. Hey, give me Brandon Tarnico. Brandon, fuck you. Boom. - Wow. - Canceled the next day, just like you. - Well, you're. - We did a season and a half and we were after Cosby too. We had a great conversation. - Oh. - Same thing. - Yeah, don't ever, that was, you know, a lot of times kids come up to me, you know, young people want advice about show business and they say, you know, hey, Austin Butler, can I ask you a question? No, and like among the lessons I would give them is one, you always have to have someone talk for you. You need, I don't care if it's the worst agent in the world, you can't talk for yourself. - Right. - And two, don't ever think that you're important. - Right. - Because they once canceled, they once fired somebody off, was it Rhoda? No, it was. - No, it was, yeah, the title, the titular character, right? - She was the titular character and then they changed, it was like, what was, who was it? - Yeah. - But then they changed it to like Hogan's family. - Right, right, right. - And they went, same thing, Roseanne got fired off her, weren't you? Like, you are not important and they can always get rid of you. The bus stop is full of people from Iowa who have come here to take your place. - That's what they used to say about the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson was fired or was out of the band. It's like, nobody's more important. Like, the band went on without Brian Wilson, you know? - That's right. Because you still had the song. - Still had the songs, yeah. And Mike Love. - Mike Love, what? - No, I just, you have a very funny way of like, you're almost doing Kevin Nealon, subliminal character guy, you know? - No, I'm not, yes I am, no, I'm not. I think Kevin Nealon was hitting on my wife the other day and I thought it was funny. - Oh, you want the gloves? - Fucking comics. - Yeah, they're always beefing, but, so you were able to play the songs, right? - Yes, well, yeah, of course. - Well, I mean, the songs are unbelievable. I was just actually just listening to them. Listening to the solo album he put out, fairly recently. - Brian? - Yes, which was quite good. - Yeah? - Yes, you must know it, it was, when was it? - He put out a lot of solo albums. - This one was good, though. It must have been fairly recent because the, like some of the people who were singing on it, Nate Royce, is that, am I, you know? Oh, he's very, his voice is on a lot of songs. And he has his own stuff, very great voice, and perfect. - Yeah. - He has his own stuff, very great voice, and perfect. - Yeah. - And he has his own stuff, very great voice, and perfect. - Perfect for what Brian writes. But yeah, those songs, I mean, are among God only knows. - Yeah, it's a perfect song. - Is a perfect song. - Perfect song. - So has Help Me Rhonda. - Perfect song, yeah. - And even, I have some that people don't know that I, well, one I can think of for sure. I think I said this to you at one of those parties. Disney Girls. - Oh, I love it. - Is such an amazing song. - Beautiful song, Bruce Johnston wrote it. ♪ Patty Pace ♪ ♪ And lemonade ♪ ♪ And summer days ♪ ♪ And summer days ♪ ♪ On old Cape Cod ♪ ♪ On old Cape Cod ♪ - That's right. ♪ It's a turn back world ♪ ♪ For a lover ♪ ♪ With a forever girl ♪ ♪ For a lover ♪ ♪ And a kid someday ♪ - Yeah. - It's just like so. - He sang that at my wedding. - Oh, come on. - It's my favorite, my wife's favorite song, and she walked down to the aisle to that. - That's your wife's favorite song, too? - Disney Girls. - Maybe we should be together. - Maybe, yeah, I'm not. - Wow. - I just thought I'd get in the first punch before it started. - Is Jerry O'Connell gonna show up? - I'm with my friend Kenny Fuchs, and he said, "What are you guys gonna talk about?" I don't know, you don't have to pre-arrange these. It's not Jimmy Fallon, you know? And he says, "You think he's gonna bring up Jerry O'Connell?" I'm like, "No, we don't give a fuck about Jerry O'Connell." And then you did. - Oh, well, I certainly wasn't planned. - Yeah, okay. That's right, yeah, yeah. - I mean, I think we can agree that the show does not look planned. - Okay, this is what I plan. I plan on bringing a lighter and having a joint. - Who's the only person who's been, me and Ben Shapiro on here, that don't drink, or who else? - Oh, no. - I love that. - Ben Shapiro. - Kanye? - Kanye, oh no, we drank a lot. He's a, ooh. - Was that? - We haven't shown it. - Right. Can you show it to me after? Do you have it on your phone? - No, I actually wanna have a screening. - Right, like when they screened Jerry Lewis's Hitler movie. - Yes, the clown, the clown that cried. - Right, did you ever see that? - No, nobody has seen it. There's like two people in the world who've seen it. - Who, Jerry? - I don't remember who, but like, for people who don't know what we're talking about, Jerry Lewis, at the height of his genius, but also egomania and power, made a movie about where he was a clown in a concentration camp. - To cheer up the kids before they went to take a shower. - But he did not want to look like he was in a concentration camp. He had this slicked back oily hair. - He looked like Buddy Love, right? - He practically had the pinky ring on in a concentration camp. And it apparently is so megalomaniacally, crazily wrong and terrible. - Somebody has it, though. Somebody has the printer. - But it's not uninteresting. I need to see it. We all need to see it. - We're gonna find it. - Yes. - I made a movie, I had this book by Arthur Marx about Martin and Lewis. And I made a TV movie about it. - Oh yeah, sure. fucking pissed off because he was doing something with Brad Gray they were trying to do something with HBO and he was screaming and yelling at us and then we sent him the script and he called and said who wrote this this guy Ellis was he there how does he know this is the best script about the two of us and I'm behind this 100% I couldn't get it made and then one day I was in a restaurant I saw Sean Hayes I go Jerry Lewis I said, do you want to play Jerry Lewis? He said, yes. I saw that. It was Sean and Jeremy Northam. He was perfect. Wasn't he great? He was perfect. Yeah. And so Jerry, but he was pissed at me. What movie is that? I want to watch that again. It's called Martin Lewis. It's hard to find because- What place, Dean? Jeremy Northam. Oh. And it was very good. Yes. He just had the hands and the whole thing. It was really interesting. But Jerry was pissed at me because I was a guest on the Howard Stern show, so he wouldn't talk to me. But Sean flew up there to Vegas and spent time with him. Another person who hates you. that you you are you are the most unlikable guy i'm the most hated i don't know i've seen having such a good time here but like you just well when i get out that door i was gonna say you're very trumpian in that way you're very nice in person oh i know he was so funny to you i heard he was he was well he wasn't funny but he laughed at your jokes he he well i don't want we don't We don't want to get into politics. We don't want to get into politics. All I'm saying is he was extremely different. Maybe I'm the Trump whisperer. But I think we would do a lot better But I think we would do a lot better to have more people like me talk to him. He is not against talking to people. He's a guy from New York, okay? He doesn't want to be with a bunch of fucking rednecks and simpletons. Does he like ass kissers? Yes, he does. So there's always going to be a couple of them around. Anyway, let's not go there. You brought it up. No, I didn't. Did I? We've both been bringing it up. Trumpian, you call it. It is a phenomenon we've never seen before. That one person would dominate just the national debate for over a decade. for over a decade. And I do think you have to fight that. Like I say, if that's your whole personality, if the first thing out of your mouth is, "What can I do about Donald Trump?" I just can't. I can't. First of all, I can't. First of all, you don't have the answer. I don't have the answer, exactly. But people think you do. I would get it. I can't get away from these people who, like walking through a room, I was at a party Saturday night, awesome party, Seth MacFarlane gives an amazing Christmas party. With an orchestra. With an orchestra. Is that him? Is that Seth back there? That thing is so cool. I almost bought one of those. Does it work? It does. It's creepy as fuck. It is. I've seen them. They used to have one in the Ivy. But the way they're painted, it's very The Shining. There's no black people in that band. I think they all are. That makes sense. That makes sense. Look at that. Doesn't this guy look exactly like Kanye? A little bit, yeah. A little? Okay, yeah, a lot. Look, if we can't get along here. Look at all the years we missed being friends. I know. That's happened with a number of people who've sat here. Yeah, I mean, we got a lot of friends. Sometimes it's just not destined. It's like George used to always say about Ringo, he was always meant to be in the Beatles. He just didn't enter until, like, Act III. Right, right. You know, but it was destined. It's like, yeah, that's it. Have you interviewed McCartney? I would love to. I hung out with him like this one night at the Woods, the pot store that Woody Harrelson and I are running into the ground. And he was super nice. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever? I met him a couple times. Yeah, I mean, he couldn't have been more what you would want the Beatle to be. And I said to him, I said, besides the music, one thing I really love about you guys was that none of you ever did anything that made the fans go, ugh. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, right, right. It's like so many people. But I think because they only had, like, exactly 10 years, right? Like, the Beach Boys, if they would have stopped at 10 years, they would have been closer to the Beatles, I think, you know? No. They went on and on, you know, and on and on. No, not by numbers. You don't? The reason I love the old iPod is because, one reason is that it helps me with numbers, simple numbers. Like, I don't keep anything in there that I don't really want. Okay. I've never once, like, loaded the whole album. Right. I pick the ones I want. Now, there are a few great albums in the world where you want every song on them, but they're pretty rare. That's it. That's it. So, the number of Beatles songs and the number of Beach Boys songs that I want. For you. Of course, but it's my iPod. Exactly for me. Well, if you look at my iPod, it's different. Okay, but I would say, not that it matters. Well, what I'm saying is the Beach Boys did a lot of shit after, you know, 10 years. You know what I mean? And some shit during it. Okay. And so did the Beatles. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody gets through this without doing some shit. Some shit. Yeah. I mean, I don't have every Beatles song in there. Right, right. You know? But they both were solid. Those were the greatest 10, you know. I'm just saying the Beach Boys went on a lot of, they jumped in on that disco shit and they, you know. I'll give you this, John. Go ahead, Bill. I would say the best 20 Beach Boys songs Yes. are as good as the best Beatles 20 songs. That's huge. That is huge. For you to say. For me to say. But the Beatles, just have an additional, Okay. like 150 songs that are still I would say additional 150. That's an additional Plus, and if you add in the solo work, McCartney alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, you're right. John didn't do a lot, but, I mean, you know, there's like 20 good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. George had a pretty, you know, not just all things must pass, but he had a great one in 1987. He hadn't done one in 10 years. Eight years or something. He had some shitty ones, too. There's one he did where he was sick, and, you know, the name of his label was Dark Horse, and, of course, the reviews spelled it Dark Horse, H-O-A-R-S-E, because he had no voice, and he still went on tour. Right. That's fucked up. Whereas today, these artists, artists, yes, they are artists. I'm not saying they're not good, but, like, if they just have a bad day, they cancel the concert. Right, right. These fucking Gen Z little, Right, right. Nepo baby, or whatever the fuck they are. If it's too cold, because these girls are wearing nothing. Have you noticed? Well, yeah. I mean, you mean, like, making music. I mean, we've done that for a long time, where we want to mix sex in with the music. I mean, music, the reason why comics are jealous of musicians is because, you know. We get all the girls? Well, it goes right to the pussy. Yeah, right. Whereas we got to go through their brain. Yeah. That's true. But, you know what? In the long run, That's great. it's better. Because it filters. A little more authentic? It filters out people who you are not really going to vibe with. Okay. You know. Now, this is not something I would have said when I was 30, because I, you know. But, I, looking back, that is, my assessment is, like, it actually saves you. It waves the. Well, because, yeah, a girl is not going to like you unless it's for something a little deeper than she wants. It's not just the bass line. You know? I mean, you can sit on the bass and have the amp where the bass is playing and have an orgasm. But you're not. As I'm sure you have. Yeah. But you don't want a long term. You don't want any. Did you want. Do you want some substance? I don't even know what I want. You're basing it on that fight we had 30 years ago? What do you care? I'm very happy right now. That's good. You know, I really believe you are. Oh, I am. Some people bullshit it. No, no, no. But you are. No, I played the game of The Bachelor for a very long time. I've watched it. And I gave out a lot of roses. But, you know, there was a winner. Who? Oh, that's not. Go into my personal life. You had a long term? Hey, that's not even. Come on. I said what I said. My friend who's here directs The Bachelor. You're talking about giving out roses. Really? Yeah. Come on. Yes. Who's your friend? Ken Fuchs. Can you tell me Can you tell him for me? He's listening. Okay. Okay. I have a great idea. Okay. For The Bachelor. What is it? You know, they do The Golden Bachelor. Yes. I am the correct age. You want to be on The Golden Bachelor? Could I finish? Go ahead. It's your show. I want to be The Golden Bachelor. Okay. But none of this age appropriate bullshit. Oh, you want to have the younger. What I would actually. Right. All right. That's a funny show. That's a good show. That's a great fucking show. Yeah. That's a good show. Now, some of these girls will leave crying. Do you? No, they will. Because I'm going to be real with them. Not mean. Just real. I'm going to fucking straighten out their lives as I have so many 20-year-old girls ish girls in my real life. Okay. I'm very good at it. I was never meant to be Sir Lancelot. I'm the king. I'm the old dude. Who sits back and says. Well, did you ever see Camelot? Yes. You would be good. With Richard Burton. Richard Burton. I mean, but I know I saw it with Richard. I saw it with Pat. You know, but you. You're such a good-looking son of a bitch. You could almost. For one brief, shiny moment. You could almost play Lancelot. There was Club Random. Lancelot. Yeah? Too old. Yes, a little. But it's a. But it's a tribute to your Greek genes that you could almost play Lancelot. And you're. But, you know, you could. I mean, Robert Goulet. That's who I saw do it at the Pantages. Of course. He was Camelot. He was Sir Lancelot on Broadway when it was first on Broadway. It was such a sensation. Right. This is 1960. I mean, Robert Goulet is the singer who, when I was a kid, wet in my mother's panties. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like the screen crush my mother had, you know. Robert Goulet. And, yeah, Robert Goulet. Remember Will Ferrell used to. Yes, yeah, yeah. Do you remember that on SNL? Yes, yeah, yeah. That's what I was trying to think of. And I think they did it on SCTV, too. Somebody did it on there. But he was a friend of mine later when he. Really? Absolutely. I used the fact that he was a fan to once bring my mother to Las Vegas to meet him, go to his house and have dinner with him. Wow. Is your mom still around? No, not to my knowledge. Did she get. She died just to get rid of you. Tell him I'm dead. Yeah, this is like, Mother! No, you know what's weird? She's still around, but she won't talk to me because I had dinner with Trump. Did she see your success? To a degree. Politically incorrect? Oh, definitely saw that. She died in two. Yes, I was on real time for four years when she died. So she saw a lot of it. And your dad? Your father? No, he died right before I got politically incorrect. Oh, okay. You know, which is a shame. Did he see your stand-up? Did he go see your stand-up? I remember them once seeing me at Caroline's. I was not good. Well, I mean, I was as good as I could be at that point in my career. So, you know, like, laughter is an involuntary response. Yeah. Involuntary. Okay. So when you see your parents not laughing, you know you have some work to do. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, not that I didn't get. But they were supportive. Of course. I mean, I didn't want them there. I don't know why. I guess it had just gotten to the point where, like, what are you doing, son? You know, because I was not the kind to ever, like, impose. I, like, always made my own money. I know. That's why we're not. We haven't been friends. Why? You didn't want to impose. I know. Sorry, you made your own money. No, I'm a lone wolf. Yeah. You know? But you made your own. So, right. So they. But your mom saw your success. That's good. Well, yeah, she did. But, of course, mothers are different. They just don't. I remember once I was staying at this very fancy hotel. She always used to ask me where I'm staying on the road. And I said, yeah, they gave me the presidential suite. And she said, why? Come on, Mom. And I said, well, you know, I'm kind of a big shot now. And she said, oh, yeah, I forget because I remember holding your little hand. Oh. That's beautiful. I'm glad you had that. It is. I'm glad she saw. I always get so upset with people. But you have that experience now. Don't you have little kids? I have a seven-year-old. But wait, I got to get back to Golden Bachelor and the top. Oh, such a great idea. What are you going to call it? The gold. We'll call it. I don't. Daddy issues. Golden Bachelor, daddy issues. What do you say? Daddy problem solving. Oh. Not issues. Well, they got to have the issue for you to solve the problem. I will. - Do you ever have somebody, when I-- - I will solve their problem. - My wife's a little younger. but people say, what do you talk about with these young girls? I'm like, who gives a fuck? I'll talk to you about it all in the family. I don't need to talk to the. Anyway, so how do you fix these. There's a movie called Under Suspicion with. Why did you look like that? Because I was trying to look suspicious. Oh, with Morgan Freeman and Gene Hackman. Any record? A Signed Adventure. Oh, so great. Gene Hackman? Yeah. Yes. I worked with Ernie Borgnine on ER. That was pretty good. Ernie Borgnine? Sorry, we're jumping around. Oh. Golden. The movie you were talking about is Under Suspicion. Oh, yeah. Apropos to what you were saying about what do you talk about. And he has. Gene Hackman is this rich guy, and it takes place in San Juan. I'm not sure why. And Morgan Freeman is the police chief. Yeah. And they're friends, you know. Gene Hackman's a prominent citizen. And. Yeah. But then these young Puerto Rican girls start turning up dead. Okay. And Gene Hackman, who has a loveless marriage to Monica Bellucci. Wow. Yeah. But she's cold as ice, you know. So he likes. It's kind of the rumor he likes to be with younger women, okay? Very young. Yeah. But still, not children, you know. Okay. I'm not saying they'd make this movie today. No, yeah. So he is. When they start turning up dead, he is under suspicion. Okay, all right. So there's this scene where he's being interrogated by Morgan Freeman. And he gives this awesome monologue where he's like, you know, you think I did this? And he says, you know, Victor, you're twice divorced. You're single with a vengeance. Where do you go every Friday night? You go to the martini bar. And who do you talk to? The prettiest girl you can find. That's who. And she's not 50. Probably mid-30s. But if you can find one in her 20s, hey, why not? Yeah. What about young girls? We like the men. What changed? People say to me, what do you see in these young girls? What do you talk about? Hey, if I wanted to talk about the S&P 500, I'd call my broker. Yeah, right. Young girls don't talk. Right. They laugh. They're in the moment. And every night is the night. And their skin is smooth and hard like skin is supposed to be. And saying so doesn't. Make me a pervert. Not that I've memorized this beat. I was going to say. You've said that before. I only. Our refrigerated trucks keep your items fresh while our associates are committed to getting every detail right, carefully selecting and packing your order with care. Restrictions apply. Kroger. Fresh for everyone. I can watch a movie if I like a movie. Can you? Twice. And I can do one from The Godfather. Wow. Yeah, I'm sure. Leave the cannoli. No, not leave the cannoli. That's one line. I can do the whole speech from. I think I've seen you do that somewhere. Is it on? Oh, yeah. Gone with the Wind. Yeah. Yeah. But that. That one in particular makes sense. Well, it was apropos to you. You could start the Bachelor Daddy issue show with that. Like, just a. Just your face. Dramatically. Yeah, just a dramatic. Like a brick. Ken, get the right lighting. Like, put him in shadow. You know, half of his face is lit. Did you do that speech on the. I've never done that speech. It's just. I've never done it. It's not done. I just remember things. You want me to do the one. Goosebumps. When. With the horse's head, dude? Okay. Okay. You know the scene? Yeah. In The Godfather? Are you a Godfather fan? Yes. Okay. I'm probably fucking up now, but they're at dinner, right? Right. Oh, yeah. You're saying something. Tom. You're out, Tom. I jumped to the ending, sorry. That's not even the same movie. Oh, it's okay. Those two. That's Godfather 2. That is right. I just liked it. Sorry. They're in the thing, and it's like, you're not going to get that part. Tom. Yeah. Ask me anything else. Oh, right. And Tom is like. Well, Mr. Griglione is a man who never asks a second favor when a first has been refused. Understand? You don't understand. Johnny Fontaine never gets that movie. He's perfect for it. Right. And make him a big star. But I'm going to run him out of town, and I'll tell you why. Johnny Fontaine ruined one of Walt's International's most valuable protégés. I had her under a contract. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. Then Johnny Fontaine comes along with his olive oil voice and his guinea charm, and she ran away with him just to make me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can't afford to look ridiculous. And just to show you it's not all dollars and cents that I'm not a hard-hearted man. She was young. She was beautiful. She was innocent. She was the best piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had him all over the world. Well, you get the hell out of here. And if that goomba. If that goomba tries any rough stuff, you tell him, I ain't no bandleader. Yeah, I heard that story. I'm telling you. And then he put his hat on, and Tom just blocked out. And then Tom goes, thank you for a lovely evening. If your car can take me to the airport, Mr. Corleone is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately. Yeah, right. I don't know. People have weird bar trick skills. But you have a great memory. I think some people. I don't. But for that, I do. I don't remember our fight. Right. Because you lost. Because I lost. And you had. There was a producer you used to have on that show, an older lady. An older lady. Well, you know, 60, maybe, 50s. On what show? On the show back. Really? Yes. And she tried to patch us up. But I said. I said, Johnny Fontaine doesn't. You know. That's all I can remember what you just did. The Golden Bachelor. So you would. I think we can do it. Oh. Is there an age limit for the girls? Well, you know what? They should. Every other, like, dating show on TV. Okay. is just as sexist in the other way. You're not going to find on Temptation Island anyone over 30. Right. Right. They're all going to be, like, 22 to 32, shall we say. So, fine. Let's do that. Do you watch those shows? I used to love Temptation Island. Really? Yes. That was my guilty pleasure show. I've lost all respect for you. I. I mean, I was so. I don't blame you. Kidding. But you never saw it? No. Temptation Island? No. Temptation Island? Do you know the premise? They're on an island. Yes. I love you, Bill. You know, I don't know why we didn't. We spent 22 years avoiding each other. I wish. At parties. I wasn't avoiding. A little bit. I know. I just don't. I just don't. No, no. Because I don't remember the. Fine. Like, hey, John, Bill, John, you guys know each other. Really? We got close up on the camera? Well, I apologize. But you always had girls that wanted to say hi. Really? Yeah, sometimes. Oh, come on. You didn't have a. You just had a girl the other day I saw you. She said, I'm going to say hi to John. She was not a girlfriend. Oh. That was not a girl. But my point to all this was that you're really charming and funny and. Well, you're not as. You know, you can be. You come off as very, you know. Serious? Serious, yeah. Well, it's a comedy show. Oh, right. So. No, but I mean, you're. I mean, I know what you mean. Like, sure, like. This is how you are. And I watch the show all the time. We talk about weighty topics. And here we're not talking about weighty topics. I mean, sometimes we wander into a weighty topic. But, you know, the point of this show is that it is exactly what we would be doing if there were no cameras and it wasn't a show. I mean, you know, there's no agenda. I don't have a series of questions. Right. There is zero difference. And I feel like this is what differentiates us from all the other podcasts, which are really just talk shows. They have questions. Sometimes they see them in their hand. Yeah. You know, and that's okay. But that's just what. This is what TV I grew up on was. Yeah, me too. This is something different. This is just like, no, let's get high or drunk or neither or both or whatever you want, but just have the exact conversation we would. Because, like, when I go to dinner, if we go to dinner, I'm not going to, like, bring a series of questions. Right, right, right. We're just going to bullshit. Right. And we'll stumble on some great stuff. Right, like we have. Because we're both interesting guys of a certain age, which really helps, you know, because. Right, right. We can talk about. Well, you just have more experience. More experiences and more knowledge and more things. Right. You know, I mean, and of course, there are kids out there who'll be like, why are they still talking about Billy Joel? Yeah, right. Because, like, even though we haven't really haven't talked about him that much. Right. And we should. All right. Because we love him. And that's what brought us together. That's right. That's what brought it. You wrote me such a wonderful email about that. And I'm so glad you like that show. When I see good things and people that inspire me, I can try to write to them or, like, on Instagram, which you're not on. You could just DM somebody, which I do all the time. I say, you know, I'm a fan, and you're. Yeah, I've met a lot of great, you know, people. The Beach Boys were looking for a new drummer. I found him on Instagram. Is that right? Mm-hmm. That's right. You also are a drummer. I remember seeing you do that at Jeff's house. That's my main thing is drums. Oh. You'd love it. I thought it was guitar. No, I'm not. I'm a crappy guitar player. Really? Yeah. But I've seen you play it with Beach Boys. Yeah, but I've played drums with the Beach Boys. I've seen you play guitar with them. Well, you weren't looking close enough because I mostly played drums with them. Yeah, one time you were, it was outside. I did play, yes, yeah. Okay. But mainly I'm a drummer. I just kind of hack the guitar. But I did see you do that. So maybe it's you who misremembers things. Oh, yeah. Maybe it is. Maybe I should start somewhere. What do you got? Give me something. No, I play drums, and I've got to play with some of the coolest people. I know you have Fogarty on here, right? Yeah, sure. He's a friend of mine. Oh, really? Yeah. Creedence Clearwater Revival? Yeah, I remember that. No, no. I'm just helping the audience. Thank you. CCR. No, he was his. Proud Mary. Friend of mine worked at a. Do you remember Santa Pietro's up there on. Totally. I remember the guy. Santa Pietro, George Santa Pietro. He married. Vanna White. Vanna White. Vanna White. Yeah. What was Vanna White? Vanna, I said Vanna White. Okay, okay. Vanna White, yeah. Saget used to live near her, and he used to listen to her have sex. What? Yeah. Seriously? Yeah, yeah, through the. I think Couillet would come over, and maybe Mike Binder, whoever they were, would listen to Vanna getting, you know. Railed? Yeah, railed. At the restaurant? No, at her apartment. They lived near each other. Before she was, I think, famous. You were talking about losing Rob in a blink of an eye. Saget was like that, too. I mean, one day you're talking to him. Oh, another one. Yeah. I know. Yeah. It's. We get to these. Ages, you know, I mean, I'm 70, basically, in a month, so. That's incredible. Yeah. It's incredible when you think about how many, you know, not to beg a term from Taylor Swift, but eras you've lived through. Right, right. Because, you know, it's a clever name for a tour and a concept, and she's not even that old, but we do live through eras. Yes, right. You know, when we were fighting each other. Yeah, back to. It's like a completely different era of a completely different version of life. Of the person you are. A hundred percent, yeah. A completely different. We're going to nightclubs and bullshit. Yeah, terrible. Just the fact that we were there speaks of how different. Trying to get into the VIP fucking thing, and. Yeah. The Beach Boys, it's been 40 years. 85 was the first time I played with them. Wow. 40 years for you? Yeah. The first time I played with them, you know, like this. Oh, wait, I didn't finish the Fogarty story. So, I became friends with him. He invited me to his 50th birthday. He says, Stan, let's come sit in. I was playing some Creedence stuff, and then he. It was in his living room. Name some of the songs, just for people who don't remember Creedence. Susie Q, Proud Mary. No, that's not one of their great ones. Proud Mary. Green. Up Around the Bend. Yeah. Bad Moon Rising. Green River. Down on the Corner. Down on the Corner. Long As I Can See the Light. Who Will Ever See. Who Will Stop the Rain. Playing these songs. The 11-Minute Heard It Through the Grapevine. Grapevine. How about Midnight Hour? They were tight. They did, yeah. Down on the Corner. Down on the Corner. Come on, man. Drummer says, so I go sit in with them, play a couple songs, Fogarty says. It's a room like this, maybe 50, like his cousins and nobody famous. Right. John gets on the mic and goes, Bruce! Get the fuck out of here. Springsteen. Come on, come on, come on. Bruce Springsteen. Springsteen, Stamos, Fogarty. Played for about 45 minutes, just. Wow. Bruce is calling up, so anyway. All Creedence songs. Yeah, he didn't want to play any Bruce. So he played one song called Detail, Detail Man. I don't know, we just followed along. Midnight Hour, too, they sang. But that was my point was that I'm a drummer. First time I played with the Beach Boys. Okay. Was in '85 at the Washington Monument on July 4th. Before Kokomo. Before Kokomo was '88. Played on that. Kokomo was their comeback song. Yeah, number one. Number one, yes. I played it on that video and stuff. Yes. You'll like the story. I get to DC and my friend says, come on, I got to go teach Jimmy songs. Jimmy who? Go on, door's open, Jimmy Page. Jimmy. Jimmy Page. Comes out. Led Zeppelin. Oh yeah, are we too old, should we talk about Taylor Swift some more? I'm just helping. Okay. I may look like a fucking drunk and a pothead, but I actually know what the fuck I'm doing. It's your show, you know how to host a gig. I know. Yeah. He comes out like a slinky, and my friend says. What, he was wasted? A little bit. Well, he had like a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I said, do you have a light beer, Mr. Page? Jimmy Page? I never knew he was that guy. He was then. Okay, I'm sure he was, but you think about Keith doing that, and people like that, I just didn't have that impression of Jimmy Page. Really? No. I really don't know what he did, except put a shark up a girl's pussy in a hotel room. Yeah, right. You heard that story? Yeah. And how come he didn't get in charge? I mean, first of all, we don't know if that's what happened. We don't know if it was a shark. It could have been a car. It could have been. Which would be perfectly acceptable. You know what's good about you? I mean, if it's a freshwater fish. You know how some comics don't laugh at other people? Hate them. You're not that. That's good. Who wouldn't want to laugh? Well, some comics don't think other people are, you know. Oh, I know them, John. Some of your friends. Trust me, I. Who are these people? I know. He laughs. He's a great laugher. Yeah? Seinfeld. is the best. Okay. Laugher. Right. Who isn't? But I appreciate your point, and I take your point, because I love laughing, and I love being a good laugher. You do. And the thing with me, I think, that really adds a little. Arsenio. half to it. Arsenio. Kidding. A little half to it is that I'm known as not a panderer, so if I do laugh, you know it's actually real. Okay, good. You know, I'm not. You know, there are hosts, we won't name them all, who do that. I do not. Like I can't. Yeah, you're right, yeah. I just can't lie. Okay, good. So, like, when you get a laugh from me, it's real. All right. So that's. And we'll get a laugh from the booth back there. That's. There's no booth. It's just us here. Oh, yeah, sorry. Club Random. Club Random. It's just us. Do you see any cameras or people or anything? Mics? I don't. That's why I feel so relaxed. It's just us. Hey, baby. Why aren't we in your jacuzzi? You know? We going to the jacuzzi after? That's probably what the fight was about. I wouldn't fuck you. you know bill maher wouldn't fuck me i'm gonna fight him yeah i'm sure gay guys hit on you you you seem like the kind of guy gay guys would hit on and i mean that as a as a compliment i did do cabaret and you know yeah but i mean just in general there are gay guys who i won't there's one giant movie star who is not technically out of the closet although it's like the worst cup secret ever well no i'm not gonna say george clooney no no no not him but it seemed gay he was so he was so if he's not gay he's blowing guys for no reason i'm kidding george i know you oh that's a good did you laugh this much with kanye no but that's a great joke blowing guys for no reason i'm gonna tell jeff franklin he should put you on the writing staff but i wrote some stuff on there but um no when i'm this person like so good looking and so you know charismatic and famous and star power that his thing was always i mean i hear uh when i'm getting fisted i hear right it's just here just at my bathhouse right i hear oh i know you're talking about that he that yes that he and there are gay men like this who are like feeling themselves so much that they're like they're not really concerned whether you think you're still straight they want to turn you yes yeah they want to take a straight guy and and that that's a challenge right i've had a couple of those but one in particular who uh and it's just like i'm not i'm i'm not i'm i'm married you're you came to you know you're you hang out with me and my you know it's what do you i keep trying keep they're just waiting for that one moment of like okay if there are two words that mean less in hollywood than i'm married right you'll have to tell them what they are because i'm straight i'm married means nothing in this town oh i've heard this from every woman here like married men in this town absolutely give it no quarter it just doesn't matter yeah it does no i'm just saying the marriage is not something that prevents them from hitting on women right but the vibe that some people put out that they maybe shouldn't if they're married right yes yeah Let's go back to the gay guy. I think I know who you're talking about. Well, let's. Okay, I'm sure you do, but. But I had a. But I'm just saying, I think gay men hit on you. Yeah, but I'm very gay. You know, like I'm a friend of the gays, as they say. Yeah, we're all friends of the gays. Not all of us. No, but again, this is one of those woke things. You had Chuck on here, the guy who played Chuck. Stop pretending we live in America where it's just a nightmare to be gay. I mean, there was a time. Yes, and it's not now. Can you find pockets of places where I guess they look at you, crap, man, that guy's a. You know, okay, but don't go there. And, you know, is it wrong? Yes. Should we fix it? Yes. But in the meantime, it's just not like a problem to be gay in America, mostly where gay people live and interact. And also look at. There's the polling. Even Republicans have come around. They're pro-gay marriage. You know, it's just not what it was. I've officiated two weddings and both were gay. Really? So doesn't that make me great? Well, you, Rob Reiner was saying how. Well, that's probably how they're trying to get at you. Will you marry us? You know, you perform the ceremony. You're in kind of a gay mood, shall we say. Right, because it's a wedding. Weddings are. Yeah, I mean, everyone is a little susceptible. They're susceptible at a wedding. So Stamos, he's got the gay glow right now. If you're ever going to get him, do it now. Now's the time. Take that robe off. So. I love the way you think it's your. You're so adorable. You think it's your responsibility to carry my stoned ass. Like, you're always like, what next? And I'm like, I'm not going to light the door. I know. It's so cute. No, it's so. It shows your kindness. You know, you're like, oh, I got to, like, step in here. No. We can just, like. Okay, we can just do it. Yeah. Tom Hanks. What? No? My thoughts? No. What is that, your Larry King impression? Tom Hanks. No, get your. Larry King. I love him. But, boy, he just. Talk about somebody who didn't prepare. Well, that was his whole thing, was like, I want to be like the person watching the show who doesn't. I don't know anything, so I'm going to find out. But, you know, he just, like, to. I love him, but, like, he. He was one of your idols? No, no. Not at all. I loved him. Didn't you do something, his last thing or something? Didn't you have something to do? Oh, I did, like, ten tributes to him. But he was always getting a tribute, because, again, he was like, Al Gore, your thoughts. Yeah. And then he'd sit there for five minutes. You know, it's amazing the way they elevated this kind of, like, genius. Right, right, right. It was just like, you know. Talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what's me. I'm trying to tell stories about Jimmy Page and the people. Oh, Jimmy Page. Yeah, so what happened? He came out all stoned. Yeah, and he had all these anvil cases everywhere, which I thought were guitars. Turned out to be devil shit, like whips and stuff. And, but my friend runs off with his assistant to some other room, and I'm sitting. First, I'm sitting there. First, I. They all leave. He goes to get me a light beer. My friend goes off with the rest of the crew. Yeah. I'm sitting in the roadie, and they're looking at some guitars in some other room. I'm sitting in this big. Like, this kind of. This sinks down like this. And I'm just looking around. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of this. This is weird. Swear to God, out pops this, like, a goth cuckoo clock. Some weird chick out of the thing, out of the. Behind an anvil case, sees me. Ah! Goes back. He had some young girl that he was bringing on the road with him. He comes out. In a case? In between the two cases. Oh. And there was a blank. I'll never forget that. There was a blanket over it. I mean, a tie-dyed sheet. Jimmy comes back and says. Doesn't say anything. I'm like. And I'm 8, 19 years old. He's like, okay, so what songs would you like? I said, I think you're doing Barbara Ann. What key is that in? F sharp. I can't fucking. Screaming at me, you know, about the keys. And I'm like. Again, people mad at you. Yeah. Always. I know. We should have took a guitar. Is it weird? It's me, isn't it? It's like I'm watching this Puff Daddy video. I mean, not video. This Puff Daddy series. Right. This documentary. That's good, yeah. And like, you look at all the things in a row and you see, oh, God, everybody this guy has ever been encountered with, from J-Lo to everybody else, has either been embroiled in some sort of violence or death or cheated or beaten or something horrible. I killed Tupac. It seems the same with you. I killed Tupac. Yeah, Tupac. I mean, like, murders and. I mean, this is a. I've watched enough. Chico Malo, this guy. I mean, seriously. He, uh. Yes. Did you know him? Well, not like that. I mean, it's funny. White parties? Well, no, but there's a few times I did run into him and I did see the charm. He was the kind of guy who could, like, corner you for, like, two minutes and make you feel like he was your best friend and he loved you and everything. And then, like, he would give you your number and then you'd be like. I remember he'd get. And I was like, I didn't really want to call him. But I feel like an asshole if I don't. And then it would be like. It was nothing. It was not. Right, right. So, you know. But, no. I did Raisin in the Sun. Wow. A three-hour TV movie of that. I was the white guy. I was the racist white guy in there. Who's the. Oh, there's a white guy. And Sean Combs was in it. Oh, I remember when he did that. He did it on Broadway and then they did a TV movie. You were the racist white guy. Thank you. That might have been a fake laugh. No. No? Oh, no. Okay. No, no, no. What do you do now after people. The guests leave? The guests don't leave, John. Uh-oh. You can check out any time you want. But you can never leave. All right. Okay. Jacuzzi? This is a satanic. A jacuzzi. Aren't you funny? This is a satanic. No. It is a little weird down here. Oh, it's lovely. It's lovely. It's the greatest. Do you hang here when you're not having a TV show? You know, I used to before we made it into. I'm here so often, but before we did this, it wasn't like I didn't sit in this chair and smoke pot and talk to people. Right, right, right. It's not like I'm suddenly doing this. Right. The Bachelor show. Let's get back to that. Okay, let's go back to. We got to get this going. Right. Don't you think the ratings would be off the charts? Yeah. I mean, if we were. I mean, women won't watch it, but you know. Women? Yeah. You know. Oh, you don't think they'd be interested just to hate watch it? Oh, maybe. This is like an ultimate hate watch for them. Maybe, yeah, yeah. I mean, what do people want these days? They just want to get stirred up about shit. Right. And be angry about shit and bitch about shit. Right. I think I'm giving them the product they are asking for. Okay. Start off with your hatred towards the woke. No, but it's just. I just think it would be funny. Yeah. I just think it's funny. Just all a bunch of young girls. Well, first of all, like. So how. People in their 20s don't know anything. But you'd have to have sex with a lot of them. That's what happens on those shows. No, no, no. No sex. Oh, no. That's one thing that you'd have to do. What do you mean? It would have to be chased. Or else it would. No. Then you would lose the audience completely. And I don't want to do. But don't those guys have sex with all the girls on that show? But this is a different show. This is the Golden Bachelor Age Inappropriate. Oh, okay. That's the name of it. That's the name. Age Inappropriate. Golden Bachelor Age Inappropriate. Okay. But you cannot have sex. So a lot of it's just you telling these girls. It's just. Yes. Say I'm a girl. Say I'm one of the girls. Bill, I'm 22. Oh, again you're trying to get me to fuck you. Oh, Jesus. First it's the gay weddings. Yeah. And then it's the fighting. Yeah. Okay, John. That is the jacuzzi. All right. So what? So, well, can you act like a 22-year-old girl? Can you? Can I? I have. It's just because I didn't shave today. I would normally. What would you say to these girls? You didn't shave today? Wow. Yeah. That's pretty macho. Yeah, right. Because you've got like a half a beard. Thank you. Yeah, go ahead. Do your best. I. First of all, what is the show all in the family you're talking about? I always say, who gives a fuck if they know those shows? But, yeah. Then I would say, it's an iconic, and you would stop me and say. What's iconic? Thank you. And you see. See, this is how we learn. Because it actually gets to, I think, if any problem you want to identify in America as root. Okay. I would say it is education. I would say. What's education? Exactly. Something you didn't have. No. Because you went to high school in America after the time when they felt it was perfectly okay to let you out with a diploma, even if you didn't know. You didn't know anything. You didn't know science. You didn't know history. You had. You probably don't know which country America got its independence from. Right. I could cut a frog up, though. I don't. I did when I was in high school, and I'm sorry I did. Yeah, that was gross. And I've been a repentant PETA board member ever since. No. Am I still the girl, or are we back to. I didn't know if we. I don't know if we went back to. John and Bill. I like those beetle boots. - Yeah, let's go back to us. - Yeah, fuck that. - But it is a great idea. - Yeah, it is a very good idea. You've got the guy here that can do it. - And I'm the only one who could do it. Because first of all, to your point about the sex, no, you can't, that's super sleazy. It's super sleazy when age-appropriate people do it. It would be just beyond super sleazy. And I don't wanna be sleazy, and I don't wanna ever be, in real life or any time, be taking advantage of somebody. If I'm with somebody who's younger than me, it's to make their life better, not to-- - What is some of the advice, though, honestly, that you give these girls? I'm not being funny, like, what are some of the issues? - It depends on what the issue-- - I mean, the daddy, I'm sure it's the dad. - It depends on what the issue is, but generally, it's the kind of common sense shit that kids don't get today anymore from their parents who have abdicated their responsibilities in big ways. And, you know, I just think they're directionless a lot of times. - You don't think being an Instagram model is a good direction? - I mean, are you on Pornhub? - Right now. All right. - I've been on there, sure. - I mean, I haven't been on there, but I've been on, you know, I've looked, yes, I've gone on there a lot, yes. - Jesus Christ. I'm so glad I'm not married. I would hate to have to have to fomfer around. - She doesn't care. - Then why are you like. - I'm not. I said I'm on there. I said, you know. - Okay. Constantly. - Not constantly, but, you know. What's your point, Bill? - My point is that you're on Pornhub constantly. - I think there was a point where I was running into this. I saw it all. I watched all of it. - Okay, but that's like saying my dick is never going to get hard again. Yes, I've seen it before. I've also showered, but I'm going to need one of those. - One of those too. - Okay. - You know, okay. Anyway, the point is that if you look on Pornhub, I mean, it is just a never ending, if you scroll, montage of young girls doing porn, who I've never seen before, I'll never see again. It looks to me like any girl who didn't go to college in America is either on Pornhub, is on OnlyFans, or is a stripper. - Right. - Because there's like no other way to make a living, which I think is a comment on our economy. Not that we want to get into that. My next guest is Mondami from New York. - Hi. - But in the first half, we want to talk about this. Oh my God, Trump is not the way we want to talk about him. - Go ahead. - He was making a speech about affordability, which is a hoax. - I love your Trump 'cause it's- - I love it that we both said it in the same time. - I love your Trump 'cause it's terrible. - It's terrible. - It's like it's not even- - It's just terrible. It's like- - Exactly. - You sound like one of the guys from, you sound like an extra from "The Godfather." - It's just, it's terrible, but I'm not- - Hey, Jack Vinnie, are you gonna take the car? Are you gonna park the car to hit Vinnie? - You're right, you're right. I know, it's not my skill, it's not my bar skill. My skill is remembering lines from movies. - Okay, good, good, good. Bar skills, right. - Should I do "Gone with the Wind"? - No. There's nobody, if they haven't turned it off by now, you're going to "Gone with the Wind" and we've lost everybody. - Damn, I'd love to do "Gone with the Wind." - The, and I'm not kissing ass because I've already won you over, but you look really good in person, too. You look healthy. - Oh, here we go with trying to fuck me. - Well, it's just- - Just never. - You have good coloring this time, I've, you know. - Look. - Sorry. - When you make it feel awkward- - I know, I know. - I get the ick. - Sorry, just come over here. - Okay, and one, one- - I'm sitting on my lap and we'll talk this out. - Once I get the ick, - Excuse me. - Excuse me. - Excuse me, but, you know. - The cringe is the, if I can say. - Well, the ick, I think they still call it the ick. I mean, that's that- - The penicillin will get rid of the ick, right? - No, nothing gets rid of the ick. - What's the ick? - The ick is when you give a girl, when you do something that makes a girl get the ick, she can never, ever look at you like she wants to fuck you again. - Got it. - And, you know, it can be just something as simple as tripping. - Right, right. - You know, like, or just being- - Or texting them 8,000 times when they won't return the calls. - Oh, of course, that would give the ick. But, you know, just being rude to a waiter or something, or to people, and she's like, oh my God, that's who this asshole is? You know, like, it doesn't have to be something that's directly with her. - Right. - She can just see you do something icky and go, oh, I don't want- - That's a good way to weed them out, too, because if you're shitty to a waiter and they go, I love that. - Exactly. - Be shittier to him. - Right. - There you go, she's out. - Right. - She gives you the ick. - No, you're right. - Right, yeah. - You could test a girl. Maybe you'll do it on The Bachelor. - On The Bachelor, yeah, on the- - By being shitty to people. - Right, inappropriate. - And then see if they, you're like, you know what, I don't wanna be with you. I don't want your penis inside me when you treat a waiter like that. - Shove the rose up your ass and get out of here. Right? I never watched that show. - Well, I don't know. I just seem to have connected the waiter and erections a little too closely. - Yeah, that was it. - But it is true that you can give a girl the ick. - I thought it was something that, like a venereal disease or something, but it's not. - Well, that would definitely give the ick, too. - Right. - But that could be more innocent because, you know. - Giving a venereal disease? - Well, it's, let's not get into venereal diseases. - Why? - Because they're gross and I'm just saying, you know, sometimes things don't come up in testing or, you know, there are- - I once got it, the clap. - Well, we'll be right back, right after. - Who was the lucky guy? - Can't tell you. Richard Marks. I can't tell you. But what was strange was that I got, I had some thing. I was going to meet this girl in Hawaii for the weekend. - Of course you were. - And I realized, and I was gonna meet her there. I don't know, Thursday. It was a long, it was like the late '90s, maybe. Something was, I went to the doctor. He said, "I don't know, we're gonna test it to take 24 hours. Call me tomorrow. I'm gonna be in Hawaii." Called him, said, "You got it." And there I am with this girl. - Wow. - And I'll never forget, John Ritter was there. And I came down, he goes, "I can't be with this girl." She gave me the clap. - Oh, this is the girl who gave you the clap? - It was, yeah. - Well, then you were good to go. You both got it. You might as well fuck. - Yeah, I guess so. - Right? - No, it was terrible. She gave me the ick. That was the clap and the ick she gave me. - Yeah, but- - As long as you're in Hawaii, you both have the same disease. I would have fucked her and then broke up with her. No? - No. - Okay. - I hung out with John Ritter and that was it. - Wow, that's gay. That's pretty gay. - Three's Company. What's that? What's Three's Company? See, now I'm back to the girl again. You'd think that I was on some sort of pot or something. - Three's Company, it doesn't matter. You don't have, you're not, that is not something you're responsible for, Three's Company. It was a sitcom back when sitcoms were a big thing. Now, you should know what sitcoms were. Do you know what sitcoms were? - Is that where you sit on a, there's not, sitting isn't involved, right? - No, it was like, you know, you don't have a TV, right? - I have a iPod with all Beatles. - Oh, now you're John as a 23-year-old? - Sorry. - I don't, now I'm confused, okay? - You, but you. - Look, they were gonna switch back and forth. - Oh, come on, I gotta know when. Do a light or something. - Well, because you would have Beatles, well, you don't use the iPod, so. - You still have it? - I'm telling you, I think it's a superior form of listening to music, because-- - Did you get that stupid Spotify thing where they said-- - You have to get them on eBay, you know, you can't just buy them, of course. - Do you, did you get that Spotify thing where they've showed you how many songs, like who? You know, what your top song was from the, are you on Spotify? Do you know what Spotify, this is now, you know. - I do know what Spotify is. - Hey, Grandpa. - Yeah, I do know what, I have Spotify and Pandora. And I like, I use Pandora. I like, you know, sometimes if I'm not too interested in what the music playing is and just want it in the background, I can, that's what it's-- - You open the box. - Yes. - Even, they didn't get that one. - But, Pandora's box kids will get into mythology in the second part. - I am Greek. - But, yeah, right. Do you know your mythology stuff? - Not very well. I don't. - It's fascinating. - Yeah, I should learn. I should probably-- - And many of the stories, you know, are just keep getting remade as modern versions, of course. I mean-- - Do you know if he did a documentary? - Well, yes. - Sort of, yeah. - There are definite, you could do, definitely, that is Greek tragedy. - Yeah, baby oil. - But also, apropos to our earlier sad discussion, family murders is very much a part of the house of Atreus. The whole cycle is begun with, he sacrifices his daughter to have favorable winds, Agamemnon does. Favorable winds to go to Troy to fight the Trojan War, because they were out of condoms. What can I say, folks? - That was a big one. - It's just a gift, you know. no who's your favorite comic oh you know you're the second person in two days who asked me that who was the first i i um oddly um mike pence no it's funny uh did you were you friends with the rickles at all friends no but i met him right and he he totally rickled me you know which i take as a compliment but i would have loved to have seen if there was there was there was yeah because you were friends with him really yeah and he so he could like not be insulting for like a half hour at a time yeah with with me you know when we're together alone or why did you get to know him that well we were at a i paid attention to him that's a good spit take i thought it was water i paid attention to him i was i met him at a restaurant years ago tony's tavern he ran a greek place up there speaking going back to greek and um we just became friends he was irrelevant at that time people thought he was dead i don't think you know it was before the the documentary was before the tributes and stuff and uh we just because he lost his son so i sort of you know wedged myself into that his son died very young he was in for a routine uh um he had uh his esophagus issues and had a routine operation at uh and passed away i think at 32 i think he was um but no he could be i you know i would yeah do you remember his album hello dummy that was his only only one who did i didn't remember him having an album yeah i did i did see him open for sinatra i took my mother to see where at the pacific amphitheater no no no uh in new york it was at radio city and sinatra was 1995 my father had died four years earlier so it's very emotional for both me and my mother because they had seen him when he was pre-famous because he was from hoboken they were from clipside park the next town over they saw him sing in new jersey the rustic cabin the first place he ever sang so and then you know my father had just died and so my mother was apprehensive about even going but i said come on let's go see frank sinatra and rickles opened and you know it was 1995 even then pre-woke um the band you know you could see the band guys like the black guys in the band go like oh jesus you know don't trip on it because he was still doing and the black guy says this is he laughing you know and it's just it was just like it was a little past its expiration in 95 yeah a little bit did you so that was look i started politically incorrect in 93 and that was a reaction to too much political correct so political correctness we didn't quite call it woke yet but it was the same for sort of movement towards stuff that was you just don't say that right and you know a lot of his stuff was was right on the edge of yeah you know he wouldn't last now he he would no one time i one time i called him out we were on a tonight show together and and he um and i and i said you know you go to one of don's shows and i'm gonna say you know the black over there singing the old man river and the asian over there's like it looks like a beaver eating a chair you know a can i can i get you another salad and the lights go on there's no black guy there there's no mexican there's no asian you know he's just doing it 95 i went to the pacific amphitheater my father was my hero and he loved sinatra turned me on to sinatra i was a kid turned me on to the rat pack you know um and i want you know you want to do my dad was a very humble man tried to buy him a new car he wouldn't do nothing nothing you know i worked at his restaurant fast food restaurant here i am taking over the interview again um it's not an interview but but but it was the same same tour and rickles was was opening up i didn't know don then i'm at the car i wanted my i wanted to meet sinatra so i put the word out to tony o and all these people and i said if sinatra wants to meet you you'll know uh i'm like how am i gonna smoke signal that's awesome rickles goes on intermission i'm at the pacific amphitheater with my mom and my dad my mom's drinking it really yeah she liked the drink and my and i get this tony o i'm mr rickles i'll see you now mr sinatra will see you go back take pictures with him and my dad is standing off to the side i said dad get in here you know frank's gonna and the pictures i'll have is like frank's bossing around the the you know the photographer do it this way do it his hands going like this through the picture dad come here and he just he's like no no and sinatra looked at him like you either two things you fucking out you don't want to take a picture with the great or you're the coolest motherfucker i've ever met in my life you don't care about you just want to see me i think that's what he felt that my that was my dad wow so the show if sinatra ends and he gives it he was older then you know gives doesn't leave anything on the stage and i go that's a real you know me and my dad had this moment where we were both sort of tearing up and we looked at each other you know like this but it was that great moment with my dad sinatra rickles comes on and introduces people in the audience tony danza was there whatever so and so john stamos he's probably he's probably uh in the cheap seat he's probably up in the up in the grass in fact he's probably smoking grass sinatra grabs the mic from rickles and goes smoke one for me johnny my dad's there really it's a great moment yeah it was the same tour 95 really yeah yeah i mean my memory of it was not as great because he was a little he was you know drank during the show was his son was the uh conductor and he belittled him yes from the stage did he do that at your show i think so i i thought i felt very bad for the sun right and uh he also couldn't get through some songs did he have a teleprompter seven large screen teleprompters all around my friend tom dreeson the comedian he always took credit for that i'm not saying it's not true maybe he said frank you know what you can keep going longer if you just got a teleprompter and then frank had them apparently all around like you couldn't look anywhere without seeing but he like songs that he hadn't been singing his whole life like mac the knife he had just started doing and i remember he started it stopped it started it stopped it oh the shock bites with those cut it cut it what is it the teeth dear you know whatever it was he it was like he had to really have known it from you know in his bones from memory right you know if he went new york he'd go new york that's probably the next word there you know but yeah he was pretty good when i saw him you know i had the jan and dean who were you know adjacent to the beach boys i was played with that jan and dean you know jan and dean what did they sing surf city and uh little lady from pasadena okay dead man's curve so they're they're the group that people hear on the radio and think that's the beach boys but they're not yes brian wrote surf city oh really yeah oh his dad was on uh barbara ann he's saying you know the high part of that barbara ann yeah that oh that's the jan and dean that was the beach boys oh but dean sang on was that's a great one barbara yeah dean was friends best went to school with this guy named barry barry keenan who kidnapped frank sinatra jr oh i remember that well i don't remember it but i remember seeing it when it i did a podcast only podcast i've ever done i did it 10 episodes because i became friends with this guy through dean this guy barry keenan and um he recently shot killed himself at 93 or something recently but the story is fascinating my fault mostly my fault another beef talk to my yeah even 90 year olds they're like damos enough people tell you you're drunk fall down uh anyway so that's i did it you should listen you should listen to that you're like it's a fascinating story about how he you know why he came right frank sinatra he he was mentally ill and you know the term back then and he said uh you i asked him why did he do it and he said because i was sitting in the car and and on the radio god told me to and this is 62. 63. okay so kennedy just it was december of six it was after the assassination right after wow and the nation was like this i'd ever he was going to kidnap barb uh bob hope's son but he thought no it's too patriotic i'll go for sinatra because he's a monster and the whole world you know it was like kennedy had just been shot he kidnapped sonar he kidnaps junior gets him out of tahoe and brings him to the valley tahoe realizes he left the gun it was like keystone cops left the gun left the bag left the thing brings his girlfriend back up they pose as newlyweds they go get the stuff they're skiing the fbi the cia sam giancana sam giancana called sinatra and said do you want me to take care of it let us do it first the fbi all of them after this guy and he's doing the bunny slopes up and like tahoe you know like a guy and um that was one thing about rickles i gotta say that just made me go whoa what balls this guy has when he was on the tonight show with on the couch with sinatra and he would do mafia jokes at frank nobody did any jokes at frank but to do mafia right joke two bullets in the head if frank wasn't laughing right it would have been you know there's no in between of like getting the laugh and dying right right right and he was like frank oh buku and bonzo and so not true right he called and said you know we took care of the thing yeah right yeah and frank would be laid out right right right but boy if you missed that yeah Right. He called him, he called him, what did he call him? Bullethead. I would sit here all night with you, but I'm sure you're. Well, I'm not leaving. We didn't get to Sammy Davis Jr. Let's do it. Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong, whether I find a place in this world or never belong, I've got to be me. I've got to be me. What else can I be but what I am? You're a good singer. What kind of fool am I? You know, he never had a hit before that. He was. Candyman was after that. After that. He was iconic. Did you know him? Did you ever meet him? I think I met him once for a second, but no, practically no. I mean, he died in 94, I think. So, you know, he was 64. But I saw him in Reno. Shooter Man? What? Did you shoot a man? No. Johnny Cash song. Oh, I know. No, he was, I was playing Reno. This is like 1984. And he was, I mean, and those rooms were intimate. Reno is not a big, you know, it's called America's biggest little, you know, the little, accent little. So you could see them. It was almost like a club atmosphere. Right. And I remember he sat in the middle of the room. He sat in the middle of the room on a stool smoking. And he even said to the audience, don't do this as I'm doing it endlessly. But, you know, he was just amazing. And that was the, he had never had a hit before, I Gotta Be Me. And that was the first year I was listening to music, 1968. Really? Yeah. I was 12. 1968. And, you know, a year that had Hey Jude and MacArthur Park. You don't have records? I still do. Sure. You do too? Do you have a record player? Yeah. I don't use it. What? I'm looking for it. But MacArthur Park, I brought that up to Billy Joel. We had to cut it out because you have to pay for it. But immediately. He sits and plays it, right? And play, you know, and it's very complicated, you know, and I just to talk to Billy Joel about MacArthur Park, which I was telling somebody, you know, who was going to be a contestant on The Bachelor Inappropriate Age. about MacArthur Park, and we Googled it. And the first thing that comes up is, this may be the worst song ever. And I was like, this may be the best song. Best song ever, yeah. It's crazy. Who wrote it? Jimmy Webb. Right, yes. I just had dinner with him. You did? Yeah. Jimmy Webb? Yes. Well, I sat next to him at the, I had dinner with him at the Songwriters' Hall of Fame. Recently? A few months ago. Wow, how old is he? He doesn't, I mean, maybe 70s, but by your age, but he's, no, he's probably a little older than you. What's the best song he ever wrote? Or what's the best line in any song he ever wrote? Didn't he write Gentle on My Mind? Yes, but there was another song, there was a great lyric. He says, in Wichita Linemen. Wichita Linemen. Right, and does. In the Wichita Linemen. You want to be a singer. Is still on the line. Right, and I need you more than want you. I want you for all time. Yes. Very, that will wet in panties a long way. Yeah. Yes. And I need you more than want you. And I want you for all time. Yeah. In the Wichita Linemen, still on the line. Now, you've got to be a romantic to be a lineman and get a good girl. Yeah, unless you're a football. What? Bill, can I say that I've had this image of you for so many years, so I know you want to wrap this up and I'm helping. I mean, I really don't. We've been here for three hours. But like, it's, you know, I don't know. I feel-- Well, we can be friends now, right? I feel, oh, totally. We can do this, like, again, if we did this without the cameras, it would be zero different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine it any more, like, inappropriate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I will. I mean, and we're both friends with Jeff. Yeah. Like, you're still asshole buddies with him, right? What is that, asshole buddies? That means very close. It doesn't mean gay. It sounds like it. No, it just means you both can be an asshole with each other. Yeah, OK, yeah. That's us now. That's us now. Well, we've been that for a while, but now we can do it in soft chairs. But I really-- I was shocked. I was-- I was surprised when you asked me to come on here. Only because-- I'll tell you why. I'm so glad this happened. Because I don't think of me as a big enough guest for you. Are you crazy? Well-- You're-- oh, my god. I'm not looking for compliments, but I'm just saying. No, no, but your resume is, like, so broad and-- yes, first of all, everybody knows you. So, like, you're much more famous than I am. I mean, not just from the sitcom, but then from broad-- you know, all these places. You-- you-- the music, the-- the soap opera, all these places you've been and, like-- But you've had every-- anyway, I'm just saying-- I'm not looking for compliments. I'm just saying that I was so flattered when you guys asked me to be on here. And I'm so glad that I came and spent time with you. And you're just a charming, delightful guy. You are. I would feel the same about you. I mean, it looks weird now that the end of it, like, how much we love each other. Yeah, yeah. Cycles, you know? But, you know, it's-- it's real. It's real for me. OK, all right, pal. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Is the camera still rolling? I had to break up a fight between you and Kimmel. At a party. Do you remember that? Brad Gray's house? It just makes me look really bad. No. Seriously? Yeah, you can't just-- Come on. Why did you say that about me, Bubba? You-- Jimmy's like, I was right in the middle of you guys. Club Randall. Carefully selecting and packing your order with care, because bringing you fresh, quality groceries is what we do best. Restrictions apply. Kroger, fresh for everyone.