John Mellencamp | Club Random with Bill Maher

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And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in store or on Lowe's.com, right from the Lowe's ProDesk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that, at Lowe's. Breaking news, our merch just got a full revamp with all new designs and items. So if you want a little more random in your life, head over to club.com. random.com and check out the store. We've got premium hoodies, including our brand new quad hoodies with the updated logo, super soft t-shirts, super soft for men and women, and even tie-dye shirts. All merch is available exclusively at clubrandom.com. While you're there, catch up on recent episodes and grab some swag and bring a little random home. Once again, that's clubrandom.com. So from south of the Mason-Dixon line. How do you know these songs? Because I listen to them. You made them, you put them on records. I know, but I never listened to them. It's the best thing about having money. Guess what? I do the same thing. Well, you just said you didn't carry money, you liar. That's exactly right. You look good. I do? I mean, you know, I always say at our age, when people say you look good, there should be a chyron for your age. You're underneath that. But what else can you do? If you look good for your age, you can't, you know. You were never a druggie, were you? Yeah, I was. Like I say, you were a druggie at a time. In 1971 was the last time I took drugs. 71? 71. Then you're not a druggie. I mean, that's a long time ago. Well, let me tell you something. You don't want to be around me. Why? Mean? Total. Mean. You were a mean drunk? Yeah. Yeah. Got in a lot of fights. Got the hell beat out of me a lot. Had a big mouth. I heard you had a problem with authority. Did you hear that? Well, I mean, I don't like cops. I don't like cops. I don't like. Well, that's a broad brush to say you don't like cops. You don't want to live without them. Trust me. Here's the way it is. One or two together are all right. But you get a whole bunch of them, things get weird. Well, that is part of it. I mean, look, I've done many pieces about my issues with the cops. I try to keep it fair and balanced. But here are my issues. One, whenever there's any trouble, their attitude is, make sure we don't die. Now, I get it, you don't want to die. But it does say protect and serve on the car. And that refers to us, not you, that protect thing. That's about us. And I get it. You're nervous. And it is a nerve-wracking job. You're dealing with the dregs of society. Anybody could have a gun. And sometimes they do. But the attitude can't be, well, at the least prospect that I'm going to get heard, we just completely empty our clips into this guy. I'll tell you a funny story. I was in South Carolina. And I was with a girl. And we kind of wanted to know where the park was, because we wanted to go to this park. And there was a cop sitting there. And we kind of knocked on his window. And he was on the computer. And he went back. Finally, the girl I was with kicked the fucking door and said, hey, serve and protect. You did? She did. Hey, serve and protect. And I went, whoa, we're fucked now. But she was famous. So you celebrated your way out of it. Yeah, she did. She did. I thought that was pretty funny. So luckily, the cop was a fan. Is that what you're saying? He knew who she was. And that got you out of it? Yeah. Some places, that'll get you into it. Yeah. Yeah. They like that. I mean, they like getting scalps. Cops. They like it. Well, they, you know, so does the press. Well, the press, you know. They like, people like getting scalps. That's what, people are unhappy. A lot of people are unhappy. And what animates their life is getting somebody else unhappy. I mean, the problem with the cops is that it attracts the wrong kind of person, which is the kid who got stuffed into a locker in high school. And knows, oh, you know what? You give me this badge. Suddenly, everyone is respecting me big time. Oh, you better. It attracts bullies the same way the priesthood attracts pedophiles. Well, you know, in the town I grew up in, there were 18,000 people and poor cops. So I never had any trouble with the cops, because there wasn't any. But now, if you went back to that town, there's still 18,000 people and must be 400 cops. Yeah. No, we definitely, we definitely have a lot of people with guns. If you travel. Hey, what's your new ring? I noticed. That's an aura ring. It yells at me when I don't sleep well. Do you have trouble sleeping? Trouble? I'm not looking for trouble, but sometimes I get it. Yes. I mean, I would say I get enough. But you know, not every night. It's not easy to fall asleep. I get up at least once during the night. It's not easy to fall back to sleep. We all know it's harder to sleep as you get older. You don't find that? You're a different dude. I mean, I mean, I can't believe you haven't lit a cigarette yet. Oh, I just had one before you came in. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not encouraging you, but you're more than welcome, of course. But you're just different. I mean, very few people your age find it easy to sleep. I can fall asleep that quick. Really? I'll try not to bore you then. If I have to get up in the night, which, you know, sometimes you do, I can be back to sleep in two minutes. Really? Yeah. I don't have trouble like that, sleeping. Matter of fact, I hate going to fucking bed. I hate going to bed. And I hate getting up. What time do you get up? Well, my ring would yell at me and say they're not at any fixed time, which is the problem. I stay up too late, so I get up too late. I feel like it's more important to get a full complement of sleep than it is to sleep in any particular hour. So if I don't actually fall asleep until 4 a.m., I'm not going to want to get up until noon. Right. You know, the ring, again, has a problem with that and yells at me for not sleeping at the right times. And I just want to go, what if I have to sleep at 4 a.m.? You know, I had a job that made me work these hours, okay? Shut up, ring. Yeah, well, that's exactly why. That's why I never wanted to get married, the ring. That's exactly what it is with me, Bill. You know, I don't get off stage until 11, 11:30, and then. I remember being with you when you got off stage. They're drinking your milk with your cigarette. Yeah. In your trailer. Yeah. Do you remember that, when I saw your amazing show? Yeah. By the way, you're back on the road. Look at me, remembering to do the plug. That's a first. Oh, my God. All through July and August. Oh, great time to be out. Summer, we want to see an iconic star, who's still great. Grand Rapids, July 10th. I'm just. Just trust me, these are all July. Tinley Park, Illinois, Kansas City, Shekopee, Minnesota, Clarkson, Michigan, Noblesville, Indiana, Cincinnati, Ohio, Cuyahoga. Cuyahoga Falls, Mansfield, Massachusetts, Holmdel, New Jersey. That's my home state. I remember that's the Garden State Art Center. Wontar, New York, Bristol, Virginia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Alpharetta, Georgia, Tampa, Houston, Phoenix, Hollywood Bowl on August 10th, ending with Mountain View. Oh, I played there, too. The Shoreline Amphitheater, August 12th. Yeah, I mean, you are still. You didn't have to do that. I'm thrilled to do that. People are thrilled to hear it and know it, because, like, this. I've been told this is your. Somehow I didn't get this because they said, well, he's doing his hits. I said, I saw him, and I saw plenty of hits. Oh. I totally saw you do plenty of hits. In fact, I remember you saying to the audience specifically before you went and did Jack and Diane, you said, you know, I wrote this, you know, it's a little ditty, and it's like it never was my favorite song, but people love it, and of course I'm going to play it for you. Yeah, listen, but, you know, for the last 17 years, I may do four or five hits, but I'm very smart, see. I kind of plat out the show that, so I'll do a couple new songs and then throw in a big hit, then, you know, same thing. I mean, I thought it was great all the way through, so maybe, you know, you came, you came into my musical knowledge past the time, like when I was a teenager when I wrote down the survey every week and I knew what was hits or not. I didn't know what was a hit or even what was a single. I just knew if I liked it or not. I mean, look, there's two used for me in my iPod. There's the gravel voice guy now who is a whole different kind of artist. It's some of my favorite stuff. I mean, your last two, there are songs in there, that are among my favorites, maybe my most favorites. Maybe that's because I'm older now. But, I mean, Chasing Rainbows, I think, is your greatest song. Really? Yeah, I do. I love that song. Al, can you hear something weird? I can't even remember how that song goes. Well, you start out, you know, when you were old, you thought about Chasing Rainbows, and then you find. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can remember. Yeah, I can remember that. Bill, I can't, you know. Here's the one thing about my age, and I'm older than you. A little bit. It's just that my memory's not worth a fuck. Well, you were saying that you were Chasing Rainbows. Turns out they're not everywhere. Turns out they're everywhere. No, no. Right, turns out they're not just somewhere. Look around, they're everywhere. Right. For someone who cares. Yeah, for someone who cares. That's what you. You're the messages, that you think that there's this thing at the end of the rainbow, but it's, you know, it's the end of the rainbow, it's not somewhere. Turns out it's everywhere. Yeah. That's. I don't know. I just. That song just gets to me. Well, I mean, the reason. I think the reason it gets to you is because if there is such a thing as heaven and hell and all that, it only exists inside you. Oh, well, we totally agree on that. I mean, it's just inside you. Yeah. It's not like up there or down there. I don't think. I think it's. I'm not sure it's even there. I mean. Well, no, I think it is. I think there's a heaven inside you. What is. I don't. I don't know what that means. That's. I mean, you may have an idea of what that really is. There's a heaven inside of you. What does that mean? You know those moments when you go, fuck. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I thought it today. I thought, I get to talk to John Mellingham. Now, you. No, no, I did. I was like. And really talk. Sit down for like an hour or two and like have a drink and talk to. I am the luckiest son of a bitch. I mean. Okay, and that's my. That's heaven. And hell. Hell is when you think, what the fuck is going on? God damn it. Why do I got to put up with this? Okay, well, I mean, I feel like you're romanticizing these things by calling it heaven and hell. I just call it. Some days are good. Some days are bad. And you have some great moments in life and life is filled with, you know, we've had both. And look, and you feel when you talk about we've had both, there are people in this world who just have nothing but bad. Yeah. You know, if you're one of those people in that Salvadorian prison, I mean, it's just amazing the variance of life. And I don't think most of the. Kids today really understand how lucky they have it compared to the world. But you can be just in such a world of hell. And the worst that goes on in America, you're not in a world of hell. Not like that. Not like it is in some places. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, I don't know when mankind will get to the point where that kind of thing doesn't exist. But for most of us, you know, yeah. There is. I've had plenty of pain. I don't feel the need to apologize that it wasn't as bad as the worst kind of pain. If it's your pain, it's your pain. But I've also had heaven, as you would call it. Yes. I mean, like so many things. I don't want to die. And the reason I don't want to die is because I like living. Yeah. I like doing the things. I don't want to miss the playoffs the year after I'm dead. I like doing the crossword puzzle every day. I'll tell you, I just saw a documentary on longevity. Oh. And the whole key, at least my takeaway was, is that just don't stop. Stop smoking. Don't stop anything. Whatever the fuck you like. Including smoking. No. Smoking didn't, you know. No, I know. We went through this. Look, you're the one who. You told me, like, your chest x-ray is perfect. Yeah. It still is. Right. And that gives me hope. Because it just says something about. Well, the variants of the human being, they certainly have, in recent, even months, come up with lots of new stuff that says, it's about the genetics. It's about who fucked your mom and what they put together in the Petri dish. It's the DNA. It's the genes. There's a longevity gene. There absolutely is. And you can shave some time off your life or put a little on. But basically, you know, I would say, what you do for your health, does it matter? Yes. Just the way, like, a coach matters in a football game. But mostly, it's the players. They're going to either win or lose the game on their own. Yeah, that's why you'll never retire, and I'll never retire. Well, I got off the road. I did retire from stand-up. Okay, hold on for a second. For now. That's. That's true. I never, like, wanted to make it an announcement because I did. Maybe I will go back. That's true. But it doesn't seem like it now. First of all, I wouldn't want to be on the road right now. I feel like I got off the road at a very good time. There's just so much political anger out there. I could get shot from either side. They could get together and have a joint fucking assassination. You know, they all have a reason to get me. I mean, I just wouldn't want to be out there, in the atmosphere we live in today. I mean, it's just. It's chippy out there. Would you not agree? I worry about a couple of my friends, yes. With Gatorade Electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? At ZocDoc, we know you care about your health. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't. So the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not in network. Press 1 for more options. You've reached us outside normal business hours. The next availability is in three months. But ZocDoc makes finding the right doctor easy. Download the app and search by specialty, insurance, and availability. Read real patient reviews, then book instantly. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? I don't worry about myself because I don't give a fuck about politics. Right. I understand. Right. And you're beloved by both sides. And you're also like someone who, you know, you care about America. You sing about America a lot. Well, I sing about things that I see. And I'm the biggest liar, you know. What do you mean? I mean, I was trying to say that to you last time you were here when we were arguing. But no, go ahead. No. I make things up. Well, you're an artist. You're supposed to. I know. And so sometimes that rubs off to my day-to-day life. Right. I mean, they're just doing a documentary on me. And it says, I can't remember what the exact words are that they said. I lie. Sometimes I lie to, I always lie. To strangers. And I sometimes lie to people I may know. And that's the last words of the documentary. But those aren't even the most dangerous lies. Those are two and three in the order. Number one, lying to yourself. Yeah. That's number one. Because that's the one. I see, but I don't know myself. Well, you're only 80, you know. No, I'm only 74. Well, whatever it is. I mean, whatever it is, you do know yourself. You're as good as you're ever going to. What are you waiting for? 90? Well. I'm very young at heart. You are. By the way, you also have a song, Lie to Me. I'm used to it. Yeah. Oh, you remember that line. Yeah. Lie to me. I'm used to it. So you obviously feel other people lie to you. Of course they have. Right. I think people, I used to know the number of how many lies a person will tell in a day. It was staggering. Can you think of a lie that you told yourself for long enough that you then believed it? People do this, by the way, even with their age, which is something that's very easy to check. But there are people who have done this, who have like, they tell their self they're 46 when they're really 51, so much that they really come to believe it. But, okay, not that. But can you think of a lie that you told yourself maybe about? About a relationship, about relationships, kids, something when you're macking on a girl that you then came to actually believe and forgot and went, oh, wait, that was the bullshit I made up. And now here I am saying it because I forgot. I said this bullshit so many times that I really thought, no, maybe I do want kids one day. Yet, no, I knew I didn't. I just said that lie so many times. To not turn a girl off that, you know, I came to actually forgot. Oh, wait, that's complete bullshit. I never want kids. Well, I think for me, I lie so much that it's hard to keep track of the truth. Yeah. I mean, look, there are, I agree. People who we think of as our idols and John Lennon, love him though we do. Like, you know, there is a lot of mythologizing there. Like, he was not, he had a song, Working Class Hero. He was the richest of the, not rich, but he had a middle class upbringing. And the other ones were much poorer working class, you know. And he. He lived in the Dakota. I mean, Elvis Costello had a stinging line about him in his Other Side of Summer song. You ever hear that song? Well, it's such a great song. What did he say? Um, was it a millionaire who said, imagine no possessions? A poor little school boy who said, we don't need no lessons. That's a reference to Pink Floyd. But yeah, imagine a millionaire who said, we don't need, you know, he's coding from Imagine. Cause they did have all of them. He said, we don't need no lessons. Dad, are you kidding me? Yes, I'm kidding you. It's a comedy show. My dad used to fucking make me and my brothers put on boxing gloves and go outside and fight each other. How old were you? 14, 15. Yeah. Every fucking friend I had, Bill, at that age that I hung around with, they're all dead now. Okay. Okay. Sad note. Noted. Sad. Now, getting back to dad. In a town where you yourself say that it was all about fighting, that's the only thing we were at least, the least bit interested in doing was fighting. Is it that wrong that your father then taught you how to fight? I would think in a town like that. No, I didn't say it was wrong. I just said that's what he used to do. In that town, social services would come if the kids weren't fighting. That's right. You got to remember, you know, you were alive. You could do a lot of shit. You know, I had such a leave it to be for upbringing. I don't know if it's just where we grew up that was different. I grew up in New Jersey. I feel like it's the same town. Little pink houses. That's my experience, too. That's why one reason people relate to that so much. All right. I'm going to ask you a question. What do you think about the American song "Ain't That America"? "Ain't That America"? "Land of the Free." You know, I'm telling you, you sing about America. I love the song "The Americans." You do? Yes. Where you just talk about, you don't even bother to like make it rhyme. You just go like right through what, I'm an American. I wear jeans. I'm from the Midwest. I'm from south of the Mason-Dixon line. And I forgot that I even knew them. Oh, no, that's a great one. I was surprised. You know what? I'm going to send you your best song. Good. Then maybe I can play it. No, really. Because you should play that one. I'm an American from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Do you remember that line? Yeah, but I've never played that song live. And I mind my manners most of the time. Do you remember that? Yeah. Okay. Most of the time. Yeah, that's the line. Yeah. It's a very sweet song. It's about what it means, I think, just to be an American. This is who I am. There's some parts of it that aren't great. But basically, you know, we are not the worst people in the world, despite some people's efforts to paint us that way. Right. Listen, and I agree with you 100 percent. But I have to tell you that, you know, a writer writes to what he aspires to be and what he wants to be. A writer writes to what he aspires to be, not what he is. Because if I had to write about myself, it would bore the fuck out of me because I'm boring. Okay. This is deep, so I'm going to -- I want to replay it because I could tell it was deep. You get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? ZocDoc, ready to be seen? Perfect. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in store or on Lowe's.com right from the Lowe's ProDesk. Just like that at Lowe's. But I got to, like, a writer writes what he aspires to be, not what he is? Right, what he aspires to be. Which to you is what? What do you aspire to be? Well, you're talking about the Americans. Yeah? That's not who I am. You're not an American? No. I'm not a guy who tries to manage my, you know, manners most of the time. That's the, that, I would agree with that. So, you know, I mean, that's just. That's what you aspire to, right. Yeah, it would be nice if I could do that, but I can, you know. You have a lot of beefs with people? I used to, and I don't much anymore. Yeah, I do. I never want them. Who do you have a beef with? Oh, there's a whole list. Well, just give me one. I mean, there are ones who I'm not even beefing with who I purposely quashed the beef with, but the media tries to make, like, I have a beef with Wanda Sykes now because something that happened at the Golden Globes, I talked to her that night, we're all good. But, you know, Dave Chappelle, he took a shot at me, that's all quashed, you know. I don't want beefs, but, I mean, going back to, like, Liam Neeson, because, like, he believes in, like, horses in Central Park, and I think that's animal cruelty, so we had beef. I just have, look, I'm the nicest guy in the world, you know it, I know it, but, like, yeah. I mean, when you speak your mind, you know this, too. You wind up with some beefs. Yeah, I can be one. What's this from? What? What's this from? I can be one nice guy, or I can be one mean son of a bitch. It's all up to you. I don't know. Did you never see the film "Cool Hand Luke"? Oh, I did, like, 40 years ago. I saw it every fucking night that it played at the Von Lee. That shows what a liar you are. You said there was nothing to do but fight, but actually you could have seen "Cool Hand Luke" every night. I saw "Cool Hand Luke" every night, saved my lunch money, me and my friends all went. And by the time the thing closed, we knew every fucking line. You know, here's what I remember about "Cool Hand Luke." He ate 100 eggs, right? No, he ate 50. Okay, point remains, he ate a lot of eggs, right? What was that all about? I don't even remember why. Why were they making him eat eggs? Because George Kennedy was going around going, "He can eat anything. I've seen him eat broken bottles and this and that and this and that, and he can eat -- he'd even eat your fool head if you cut it off." Yeah. And, you know, all kind of stuff, and then Newman goes, "I can eat 50 eggs," and George Kennedy looks at him like, "Nobody can eat 50 eggs." He goes, "I can eat 50 eggs," and then walks up to Newman, Kennedy does, and he goes, "Luke, why didn't you say 30 or -- but 50?" And then another guy chimes in and says, "50 eggs are bloody." Well, he's a blue old guy up. It'll pop him. Right. But he does it. But he does it. Yeah, I don't even remember what his job was, this Luke guy. He didn't have a job. Yeah, I'm guessing that's what it was. But he was super cool. I get it, Paul Newman. I love Paul Newman. But here's what I remember. You've jarred a memory. I remember the ad on TV because it was -- I forget the name of the actor, character, actor, and he goes, "What we got here is a failure to communicate." That was the big line. And then about two seconds of this hot blonde chick, like, washing a car, that's what I dredged up. The guy that said that line, I can't think of his name right now, but he was from Indiana. He was in three or four movies with Newman. Yeah, yeah. What the fuck is his name? Oh, you know, it's -- No, he was a great character actor. I know, but we don't have to feel guilty because we can't come up with the name now. I don't feel guilty. I just feel -- Right, I feel bad. I do feel guilty. Let me take that back. I feel terrible. It's an iconic line. We should remember it. I want to say Scatman Crothers, but I know it's not him because Scatman Crothers was in "The Shining" and he's not -- Yeah, okay, so anyway, it doesn't matter. Hey, Kristen, if you're watching from the other room, look up who -- what that guy's name was that said that line. There's no one in the other room. Is that what they told you? Yeah, they're watching it on a TV somewhere. No, they're not. There's nobody here. There's no cameras. There's no mics. We're just doing this. I fuck with you like this. This never goes out anywhere. Are you kidding? Do you follow what's on the Internet? Then how would you know? Do you listen to podcasts? No, you don't. You just go home and fight every night because that's all there to do. To do is to do, yeah. But you still live in Indiana. Has the ratio to things to do that aren't fighting to fighting improved in the last 50 years? Bill, you can't, I haven't been in a fight, a fist fight probably in, I don't know, 30, 40 years. Well, the night is young. Well, I guess I'll have to get beat up again. But I, you know, I'm talking about when I was a teenager. Yeah, yeah. That's when. And yet someone very famously said, hang on to 16 for as long as you can. Somebody. I don't remember who, but it was a very, very famous line and it always resonated with me. Well, the reason, if it did, the reason it did was because you have to stay young at heart and that's. I couldn't agree more. That's what that. That's what the whole line is about. Oh, yeah. Staying young at heart. Oh, I've worked hard at it and I think I've succeeded. Good. It takes a lot of work. Yeah. First of all, you can't get married. You can't have kids. Well, maybe you get married a bunch of times. I've been married three times. That's true, I guess. But like, I feel like marriage and kids, you're saying like life has these, you know, moments in the passageway, moments in the path down life. And once you cross that, I'm not against it or, you know, putting it down. And anyway, but you are definitely saying, OK, now I'm not in this phase of my life anymore. And then when you have kids, it's like, well, I'm actually trading this life sort of in a way for their life. That's all noble and everything. I'm just saying my choice was I'm never going to go to step two because I really like step one. Well, I got I have to tell you. At my age. I am so thankful for my kids. But oh, I'll bet. I mean, you know, they're. Yeah. You know, my son was just out here with me and he went back and I told my girlfriend, I said, I hate when I leave. And she goes, yeah, because you guys are connected. But you see the key word there is girlfriend. What about it? I got a bro. Thank you. Not that I don't love you. It's not about that. But like. There's something about the word girlfriend that's sexy and just and something about the word wife. Don't get mad at me, wives. I know you're beautiful and sexy. Still forever. Blah, blah, blah. Just to my ears. Like when I hear wife, it's like it's different. Like and and Sinatra had a song back in the day. Wives should always be lovers, too. He could have said should always be girlfriends, too. You know, because my girlfriend. My girlfriend. Is great. I mean, she's how long you've been together. Three years, three years. See, that says a lot. Yeah. Three years. You're still in the good window. Well, yeah. And, you know, I'm so I'm so old, you know, three more years. I should still I should still be good. Oh, I'm sure you will be. Oh, you got the genes. No, she's she's a she's a nice gal and she takes care of me and she looks out for me and she tells me, John, you're acting like an asshole. So why don't you stop? And, you know, she's very helpful. See, I'm down with everything except that part. Well, I never understood that whole thing that guys do with like she's the best because she just keeps me grounded and she just tells me. I didn't say that. You just said she tells you when you're an asshole. That's not grounded. That's not grounded. Well, I'm not saying she's grounding you like you're a child. You're grounded. Go to your room. I'm just saying, you know, grounded like, oh, she you know. And when I get it. Big head. She takes me back to now that I want somebody who she she she didn't do that. She you're you just said she did. No, no, we're having a little negative entropy here, my friend. You said she tells me when I'm an asshole. But that's not grounded. OK, well, then take away the grounded part. I don't like that either. I don't need the woman in my life to ever tell me I'm an asshole. If I was acting like it. But like at this age, I just don't act like an asshole. You're right. There was a time when I did. But like if you're still acting like an asshole, like we're in our 70s, something went seriously wrong. And I'm thinking seriously, I'm seriously wrong. And Bill, I've watched your show. I watched your show every every time. And I see you get angry and asshole ish sometimes. Sometimes with people. So don't tell me you don't get. I don't get asshole. It's what I get is probably arguing a point that you don't agree with. So you interpret that as. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think you and I agree on a lot of stuff. We agree on a lot of stuff. Yes, absolutely. I bet you we voted for the same person last time. Which is voting. That's why they have curtains. So nobody can see who the fuck you vote for. I don't I don't, you know, fuck these people, you know, that run this country. I just I don't. You mean that both sides or you mean that both sides? Yeah. Well, that's my message. Not that I think it's equal. I'm I am not a big fan of trying to. What about ism everything? Because the Democrats, yes, there are a certain woke part of this country that hates me because I will. I refuse to just let them get away with insanity that they never used to try before and never used to say things like that before. But in general, I find them less alarming than the Republicans and the conservatives who don't believe in conceding elections or lots of other basic Democratic stuff. But yes, I think both sides have to be called out and like I live in Hollywood, this town just does not. I don't believe that they do not believe in calling out both sides. They're not. Well, let me tell you, I, I, I watched you last week and I heard about buttons. And if it's just like it was so funny, it was it really was fun. You got to give it. Yeah, it was. And it's funny because outside of this ball of people that live here, it gives a shit. Right. Nobody. But that's what I was saying. I know. It's like the Democrats. I mean, the people. I didn't see it. The point of it was you've got to cut your celebrities loose. You think they're helping and they're actually hurting because people don't see celebrities in any way like they can relate to their life and they can't. And that was where the funny came out. The other funny thing is, is that, you know, most people, you know, we don't know anything. You know, we don't know shit. We really don't. We don't know shit. We don't know shit. What's really going on. We don't know. You know, and it's always been that way ever since ever since I can remember, you know, I mean, you were alive during Vietnam. Yes. What the fuck was it? And people talk about how awful it is here. You guys know that, you know, a few years ago we had nuclear missiles pointed right at us in Cuba. Well, more than a few years. Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter. I know. I know. So what's changed? What's changed? Marlon Brando tried to save the Indians by not accepting his Academy Award. I love Marlon Brando. He's one of my favorite actors, but, you know, the show of having the girls show up and pick up his Academy Award for him and wouldn't accept it, what did it amount to? Nothing. No, of course. It amounted to nothing. Well, yeah. I mean. It's interesting you point that out, because it was performative. It was performative, but we're talking about 1973 here, we're talking about the Oscars of 1973, Brando won for The Godfather, and he sent up Sasheen Littlefeather, who, by the way, turned out to be Mexican. She was not an Indian. Do you know that? I do. Oh, that came out after. She died last year. I did a whole thing on it. And it's so interesting what happened in the room that night. It just shows you why liberalism. Why liberals should, like, just take a beat before you think you're always the good people. 1973, the crowd booed her, okay, because it was seen as very disrespectful. John Wayne, they said, had to be restrained from actually rushing the stage, a la Will Smith, dragging her off. I don't know. Because he was a cowboy, she was an Indian. I mean, this is where we were in 1973. And really, what progress have we made? A lot. Like what? Well, this is the argument we had last time. That you don't understand, in my view, that 2026 America is just very different. I mean, I can paint this picture with statistics. I can paint it with polling. You know, there are actual, I mean, all you have to do is open your eyes to see that we are a very different country. Here's the thing. the difference is that we're all against each other. - After World War II, we seemed to be a country in unison. - Yeah. - After World War II. But then us hippies showed up and it all changed. - Well, after World War II, we were a country in unison because only the white people counted. The black people were still not even invited into the conversation as to politics. You couldn't imagine running for president as a black person in the 1950s. They had meager representation. They just, they weren't shown in the- - What's the difference? We have elected officials that we elect, as stupid Americans elect another stupid American to come in and represent us, and he's bought off immediately by, you named the, you named the corporation, and what? - Yeah. - We don't know shit about it. - Yeah. - I was doing a show, a corporate, and my opening act was Bill Clinton. - When was this? - Right after Clinton left office. - Right after he left office, okay. Early part of the century. - And so he was there. I did a sound check, and he came up and he goes, "If you don't mind me asking, John, how much money do you make?" And I told him, and he went, "What?" "What?" That's true. - 'Cause he was impressed that you were making so much more than- - And he was making so much less. - Right. - So, you know, I know what I was making. - You deserve it. - I mean, it doesn't matter. The point of it is, is that, you know, you can't get as rich as some of these politicians get on that kind of fucking money, you know? - You shouldn't. - And, you know, Bill, I mean, I commend you for getting a half a million dollars for speaking. - I didn't say I took the job. - Well, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. - There's nothing wrong with it, except even that amount of money, and I'm not that rich, you know, I mean, I'm comfortable, but like, there is no day that you can buy from me. Time is so much, like, even if I had, first of all, $500,000, it's not $500,000 to me. The government takes half right off the top, manager, agent, now, I'm not saying that coming away with $300,000 or 200, whatever it is, isn't still great, but does it change my life? No, because I don't live an extravagant life. I don't have kids, I don't have alimony, I don't have the things that people, I mean, my mortgages, they're laid off, I don't have houses all around the world, I don't collect cars, and motorcycles, and jewelry, and stupid shit, and hookers, and heroin, and cocaine, none of that shit, my tastes are simple. So like, you can't buy me, you can't buy one day, no matter where you are, what you are offering, you just can't, the price is $10 million. Okay, let me amend that right away, I will do it for you. But, you know, I mean, I read about these, you know, I read about these stars who are worth billions, like Beyonce, like do these private gigs, and I'm like, really, how could that make sense to you? That you put another, what, $10 million on the pile, that you already don't know how big the pile is? I know, so let's just take it another step. Let's take it another step, forget Beyonce. Think about, think about-- How dare you. Think about the politicians. Yeah. And the money that they take, and the judges, and the, you know. Yeah. Think about the money that they are getting kickbacks on that we don't even know about. Well, I mean, the Trump administration has taken this to levels that we-- Oh, yeah, well, he's just doing what they've always done, but he's doing it out in front. And on a much higher level. Yeah. I mean, when I think of how quaint it is that Spiro, Agnes, do you remember him? Oh, yeah, he got in trouble for fucking getting free groceries. It was on the level of, here's a Christmas turkey, Ted. Yeah. You know, I mean, that was what was considered a scandal. He had to go. Yeah. I mean-- Yeah, I remember that. You cannot make the case, really, that America, in our lifetime, as the trajectory has been up, it sadly has been down, morally. It's just like the rot from within. Now, have we done better economically? Yeah. I mean, we still kick ass. America, for all its horrible shit, is still the place people want to come from all over the world because you could-- Because they don't know any better. No, no, no, they do know. What they know is that, unlike in my society, I can be what I want, I can reinvent myself, I can just be something new tomorrow. That is not something that people take for granted in most of the world. You cannot do that. Here you can. There is a kind of a freedom that is still here, including economic freedom. I mean, there's a reason this place is still a magnet. Yeah, listen, I hear you. I mean, I actually hear you, and I joke about-- Ain't that America, home of the free. And I always lie to strangers. OK, but ain't that America, you know? I mean, come on. Compared to where you could be-- Well, what do you think about all these guys leaving the country now? I mean, George Clooney and these people. Well, George Clooney is not leaving the country. First of all, I'll tell you something interesting because I learned this when I went to the DMV last time to renew my license, and they have pictures of all the celebrities that, you know, if you are a celebrity, they are very nice to you and they take you in their little office and they do it there. They don't need Indiana, but go ahead. No, Indiana. I mean, you have to fight with the other celebrities to get into the DMV. I had to borrow it. Last time I went to get my driver's license, I never carried it. They had a picture of you and Letterman. I never carry money. I had to go through and ask people for money. Can you give me $2? That's not true. It's like the president. The president doesn't carry money. Who? The president of the United States doesn't carry money. They've gotten caught before because why would they ever need it? What, do they need to like pay for the plane ticket? No. I mean, you know, they have… But I've never… Why don't you carry money? Because I've never had to. I never… There was never anything. What do you mean? You depend on the kindness of strangers? Yeah. What are you talking… Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. What is that signal? Bill. Is this that part of the night that I was… Sometimes. …hoping… Sometimes. Yes. In small towns, you borrow things. You borrow things? Yeah. You just borrow. Steal? Borrow. Okay. Just borrow. Borrow without the person knowing? Borrow. You know, just borrow. Yeah. But that's your way of life? You don't carry… When you're a teenager. You don't… Oh, we're back to your teenage years. Okay. Since then, you carry money. No. I don't have any money. I mean… What? No. I grew up not carrying… But what… I didn't need much. I needed a guitar. Right. I needed a motorcycle. I needed… Yeah. But what if you need a hamburger? I mean, you can't pay for that with a guitar. Well, you could… You mean today? Yeah. Today. Today? Yeah. Oh. I… I have a credit card. Can you use a credit card at the drive-thru? Yeah. I mean… Yeah. Can you drive through at Fatburger? I don't go to those places. I don't think you… I don't go… I don't think you can. Maybe you only can. I don't go… I don't… I generally don't go to those places. I generally don't either, but I love to be a big tipper. I carry, like, plenty of 50s and 100s. I pass them out like Skittles. I just enjoy that. And guess what? And guess what? I do the same thing. My girlfriend does. Oh, your girlfriend does. She carries… Oh, there you go. You carry a girlfriend and she carries the money. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. You got a girlfriend? I am somebody I love. Yes. Really? Yeah. Why? You don't think I'm capable of love? No. I'm not… I'm not saying that at all. I'm just… I don't ever hear you talk about it. I don't talk about it. I'm not even talking about it now. Well, let's talk about it for a little bit. No. Let's talk about yours. No. Let's talk about your… You know… How did you meet this girl? Well, Christian Mingle. Don't know that. Christian Mingle, it's a website for Christians. Oh, bullshit. No. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. We're both furries. We're both furries and… I don't know what that is. Furries are people who dress up in furry animal costumes. That's like a big, like, sub-porn sort of thing that people are into in this country. Really. I mean, people… The kids are sick, John. The kids are fucked up. They really are. I don't mean it as a judgmental thing. I'm just telling you. Hold on for a second. But if you're a furry, what does that make you? Well, I'm kidding. We weren't really furries. I don't do anything weird. I never have. And I think, like, you'll see this in other civilizations, Romans, Egyptians, yada, yada. When people start doing weird shit, it is a sign. Okay, well, hold on. Stop. What are you talking about, weird shit? Like dressing up as animals. Like not being able to get a heart on unless you're a hamster. That is some weird shit. And that's not the only weird shit. Have you been on Pornhub lately? No. Me neither. But I hear from friends. You heard. You heard from a couple people, yeah. A lot of it. No, I've seen it. I'm on Pornhub. And not afraid to admit it. Nothing. There's nothing wrong with it. I mean, there's plenty wrong with it. What am I saying? It's terrible. But it's wonderful. But see, it's not terrible. It's, well, but here's the point. A lot of it is about step-sister, step-brother, step-father porn. A lot of, for some reason, this scenario, you know, when we were kids, porn was like the pizza delivery guy, right? That's not what it is anymore. Out with the pizza delivery guy, in with your step-brother. And I think this is. Whoa! I'm just telling you factual. This is factual. I think the reason for this is that there are so many broken families in this country. So many people living with or in contact with the step-brother, the step-sister, that this is just a big fantasy. Oh, my step-sister. I'm not supposed to fuck her, but I kind of want to. And then the porn video serves as your, you know. Go-between. Go-between. Well. Your imagination. Yes. And not doing it. Yes, exactly. You can vicariously. Do it. Do it. So the point being, the kids are fucked up. But here's the problem. Can I help you with something? Yes. When the word but shows up in a conversation, Bill, the next following sentence is generally a lie. So, change the word but to however. However. Well, that is the very definition of a distinction without a difference. Yes. That's right. Which means it's meaningless, but if it helps you, I'll do it. However. There you go! I'm going to be watching the show, and if I hear you say but, I'm just going to text you. Bing, bing. You said it. You said it. You said it. What if it's in the context of, I like big buts? And I cannot lie? And I can't. Oh, you know that one. Oh, yeah, I know that one. I know that one. Yeah. See? So don't say we don't like modern music. Yeah. That's only 30 years old. We like a lot of them. Yeah, we do. Jamiroquai, I love him. I think he won the best New York this year. I was at the Clive Davis Grammy party. You don't go to that? I have never been to the Grammys in my life. Really? Never. You were not up for Grammys? You must have been. I've been up for like 20 Grammys. But you just didn't go? Didn't go. God, I love you for that. I didn't go to the. They lured me to the Golden Globes again this year. Why? Because they put. Because, you know, you think you're finally going to get. If you win, you get a chance to go up there and tell them to go fuck themselves. Do you know what a Golden Globe is or a Grammy? It's fucking nothing. It means nothing. It's. Believe me. It means less than nothing. I totally understand. It's. Once in a while. I could. I. I have. Now, I like the Grammy Museum. What's that? Well, there's a whole museum that's Grammy. Where? Cleveland or is that the Rock and Roll? No, here. Here. Isn't Cleveland where the. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is. Yeah. That's your neck of the woods. Yeah. Well, anyway. Indiana, Ohio. So, is there really a difference? Yeah, there is. I mean. There is. Really? What is it? What is different? Is it the tasty freeze in Indiana? Okay, I'll tell you what the difference is. It's colder than Cleveland than it is in Indiana. Someone's making the goo come out of the machine to make an ice cream cone. That's. I mean, come on. You know, and I wish you'd stop referring to the tasty freeze because my girlfriend used to work at the tasty freeze when she was a kid. Really? Yeah. My girlfriend still works there. That's the difference between those two. How old is your girlfriend? Oh, we don't need to get into specifics. Anyway, it's so good to see you. It's always fun to spend time with a liar. It's different, isn't it? Yeah. It's not like doing the Colbert Show. You know. But you're doing my show Friday, and that's going to be more conventional. Right. We only have ten minutes. What should we talk about? We want to plug your. I'm doing my hits, which, again, I thought I saw a lot of your. What are the ones that you're going to do that you think that you were holding back from us all these years? Oh, I haven't played R-O-C-K in the USA since I wrote it. Oh, okay. Yeah. I've never played that song. You know, it's the first one. It comes to mind. It comes to mind. I didn't even want to put it on the album. But you're going to play the Authority song. Oh, yeah. Didn't you always? No. Like I said, you didn't do that one. No. What about It Hurts So Good? Going to do that. Did you do it back in the day? Yeah. So you did it back in the day? Yeah. Okay, good. I had to. Exactly. I had to do Jack and Diane. Yeah, I had to. And Pink Houses. I had to. Right, I get it. Okay. I had to. Let's face it. We had it pretty good. Very good. Very good. Is it about musical or just in general? Just in general. I agree because I've always thought we came along at a time before AI, before like the pollution was really going to like destroy the earth. I'm not saying it necessarily is, but it certainly could. And AI certainly could. Lots of, you know, bad things. You know, the food was still pure. That's another thing, too. We ate, the way that they tell us to eat now, you couldn't eat that. That's the way we ate back then, but the food was real food. Real food. Yeah. You know, when we started Farm Aid, Willie and Neil and I, I think all of us were naive enough to think that if we do this show, that the politicians will go, these guys have a good life. And I think that's a good point, we need to help the small family farmer. Mm-hmm. No. It's going to take more than a fucking concert. It's going to take more than a march to get rid of. Trump wrote a lot of checks to farmers. Huh? Trump wrote a lot of checks to farmers because he fucked them often with like tariffs and stuff. Right. Like he did stuff, or the first term there was like, you know, trade deals with China that we, you know, show China who's boss and who pays. It's the people who sell soybeans to China. Oh, yeah. But if you watch, if you watch in the video that I made for a song called Rain on the Scarecrow, it's talking to some young farmers and it talks about that. And that was 1983. Right. That was 1983. So when was the first time you met Trump? I met him. I met him probably the first time at the Playboy Mansion at the Midsummer Night's Dream party. Oh, no, no, no. I think I met him before that. I met him once I was in New York. It was the 90s. I was at a club. I believe it was called Moombaugh. If not, it should have been. It is exactly what you would think for a club called Moombaugh at a time when I was going to clubs named things like Moombaugh. And, of course, he was there. He was a— Did you see him? Yeah, briefly. Like, it was always very—he was always very cordial. Then I did see him at the Playboy Mansion at the Midsummer Night's Dream party. Everyone is in their pajamas. He had the power suit on. And it made him stick out, you got to say. And he, like, walked around once or twice and also very nice then. And then I think the next time was at the White House to have dinner with him. Yeah, I've met the guy numerous times. Under what circumstance? Well, the first time I met him was, like, in the late 80s at the Super Bowl in Miami. Oh, wow. And that was back before they had those boxes, you know, those fancy boxes. Luxury boxes. Yeah, yeah. They didn't have those back then. Really? No. So I'm sitting there, and I've been doing pretty good in 1988 and 85. Yeah. And people were coming. People were coming and asking me for my autograph because I was sitting in the audience, you know. I mean, on the benches. And next to me was this guy and his wife, and they would then ask him for his. And I looked at him and go, I don't mean to sound stupid, but maybe I am, but why are people asking you for your autograph? And he goes, well, I'm Donald Trump. And I go, yeah, so what does that mean? He goes, well, I'm a big builder in New York. I go, well, I'm not from New York, so how the fuck would I know? But he bought me popcorn. He bought me Cokes. He couldn't have been nicer. Right. And cut to another time I saw him at some award for, I don't know, something. Couldn't have been nicer. Then I saw him again. And then when I saw him running for president. I thought, who the fuck is this guy? It's exactly what I said when I gave my report about the White House dinner and people were attacking me. And I said exactly that. I went to that dinner and he was this nice guy and, you know, never argued with me, like allowed me to dissent on anything and just confront him with anything. It wasn't blustery. And then I went home and when I got home, I turned on 60 Minutes and there he was like on 60 Minutes, you people are terrible people. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? You know, again, the small-mindedness of so many people on the far left that they can't, they're so emotional about Donald Trump. They don't get it that, yeah, of course, he is this crazy person. He's playing in public. Like, you keep two thoughts in your head at the same time. He's not that person always. He's a very different guy. Like, let's figure out how to use that to our advantage. Instead of just saying, don't talk to that guy. No, let's talk to that guy. Yeah, because, you know, I couldn't, honestly, Bill, when I saw his demeanor and attitude, I thought, is this the same motherfucker that bought me popcorn and shit at the fucking Rose at the Super Bowl in 1988? A friend of mine, I don't think he would mind me. I'm telling who it actually is. A.J. Benz, a good friend of mine who used to do the gossip column in New York. He's got a great podcast. He's a funny guy, and he was a real man about town in the 90s when Trump was single, and they were both dating the same girl. And he just told me this story. He said, you know, when Trump found out we were dating the same girl, and I won't go into detail, but the horrible things he said about her, and his conclusion was, he's not a bad guy. Except when he gets into a fight, and then he's the biggest asshole in the world. It's just always a bar fight. He picks up whatever he can to fucking fuck you with it immediately and as hard as he can. The problem with, in politics, everything is that. Everything is a fight. So if you're always doing that, yeah, it doesn't make for great domestic or foreign relations. No, and it really has. And since Vietnam, it's really, I mean, because you remember what it was like in Vietnam. I mean, the fucking kid. They were shooting people in Kent State. I mean, you know. For people who, for kids who don't, and they don't, like study history at all. Yes, I was like a young, just old enough, like 12 years old and 68 to be aware of what it looked like when there was just this. Tremendous amount of violence in the streets. The Chicago Democratic Convention in 68 with the blue. Beating the hell out of, yeah. Beating the hell, the nightsticks with, you know, the hippies against the hard hats. Yeah. I mean, there was, this is not the first time we've seen this. You know, it's, there's always going to be these two halves of America, you know. And then there's the part in the middle that I think is the majority. But they always get, in elections, pushed to one side or the other. You know, only 27% of Americans are either Democrat or Republican. 45% are independents. You'd think the independent party, if there was one, would win. But there isn't one. Let me ask you a question. And you can shut off the cameras whenever you want. But where the fuck, where the, where the fuck are these people that were president? Where are these people? Coming forward and saying, this is wrong. This is wrong. This, and, and, and arguing, or not even arguing, just stating the truth about what we need to do to fix what's going on. Well, some of them do. I mean, Obama does. I mean, obviously. But he's, we, what? You think not enough? Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm of two minds about that. I've heard that criticism a lot. Why doesn't Obama get in the game more? Well, first of all. First of all, he did serve his time. He did do the big solid for America. He got to be the first black president. Let me, let me, let me tell you. I would say that's the hardest hurdle anybody could ever have done. Let me tell you something. If somebody broke in that door right now. Yes. They would hit me before they hit you. Why? Because I'd be in front of you trying to protect you. Really? Yeah. Thanks. Well, I'm, I would just. I accept that. It's a good. I accept your protection. It's the good. Neighbor policy. Yeah. It's the good neighbor policy. I mean, you mind your fucking business. I'll mind my business. If you need help, I'll help you if I can. And that's basically what the fuck this country needs to get back to. You mind your business. If I can help you, I will. That's the good neighbor policy. That's, that's what you sing about in that song. The Americans. Well. An American. Yeah, well, that's what, I mean, that's how I think it should be. So you may think it's just aspirational, but I, I think you actually have gotten there. I have. All right, pal. It's always great to see you. Old people. Old people. Every time I stand up, it's old people. Club random. You wouldn't do that early morning cardio if you didn't, so the fact that your annual physical is overdue just shows how hard it can be to get seen by a doctor. Sorry, that doctor's not a network. Press one for more options. ZocDoc. Ready to be seen? Close your eyes. Exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-CONTACTS. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-CONTACTS.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-CONTACTS. Online deal days are. We're back at Kroger. Don't miss your chance for extra savings when you shop, pick up, or delivery. You can save $30 on your first online order of $75 or more with your digital coupon. Plus, enjoy unlimited free delivery by starting a boost-free trial today. But hurry. These extra savings end October 20th. Restrictions apply. See site for details. Kroger. Fresh for everyone.