Joey Diaz was mad at Natalie Cuomo for a Year!

What's happened, beautiful people. It's the church or what's happening now, new testament. Whatever the fuck it is. It's a whole new week. It's April the 7th. We got to tremendous, beautiful guest, Natalie Cuomo, the flying Jews here, Lisa Yat, and we're in for another fun-filled episode of the church. What's up, beautiful people? How are you? I'm good. I'm just trying to keep it together. It's up with you. I'm doing great. No, you look great. Happy to be here. I know. I just thought of you last night. I said, "I'm going to get Natalie on. I saw you. Let's get the story out. I met Natalie when I moved here. I loved her. I'm like, "I love this kid. I gave a weed. She lost the keys when that was crazy." She had a fucking drive back to Jersey City. I had my keys on me the whole time. The scooter. Yeah. Wait. That's when you know the weed is good. When you're like, "Weddables." It smoked it. It smoked it. It was the shit. And his reputation didn't proceed him. That's like the lightest thing that's ever happened to somebody given weed to. Just losing your keys is like, "That's a good night. I live in Jersey City." Oh no. And I was like, "I can't find my keys, but they were in my bag the whole time. I have to get a ride home." That's like when you're really high and you're like, "You're my fucking phone." And you're like, "I know I had it." Oh, okay. One time, George over there, one of the first times I went to Joey's house. We were there hanging out all night. George left like 45 minutes later. He just was sneaking around to Joey's backyard and knocking on a window. Because he left his phone or his keys? He just walked in, took his phone and left. I don't know why. I don't know. He should have just left it there. So I had to see you, Natalie. And I kept following you. I was really afraid of you. I wanted to see where you were going to go. Last time I saw you were taping the special. And you released the special. I watched it. And then, you know, you got lost in the shuffle, but I kept following you and I kept watching your little gigs. And then I got to be honest with you. I was really fucking pissed at you. In fact, I was so pissed at you. I almost drove to one of your gigs in Pennsylvania and just beat you up. Hi, because I'm amazing. You were knowing he even, like, you didn't even know about this. You were in trouble. I was ready for a year because, because, listen, man, my mom was an old school hooker. And she had a bar, okay? And women know, women fucking know rule number one is if you're rocking and rolling, you're a good looking woman. Don't you ever bring you fucking boy from this bar. I will cut your fucking. You're right. No, no, no, it gets worse. I'll show you the level. That's just for me. He's just my niece, but I get jealous. So then you had the boy and I'm like, that's cool. She'll dump me in a week. You know what I'm saying? Because now he's our breaker. So she'll dump me in a week, but then it started getting serious. And they started taking pictures of them in Central Park and shit and fuck. Then all of a sudden they're engaged. I'm engaged. I'm like, I almost fucking blocked you. I was so mad. And fuck. And then she went on with the wedding. And I'm okay. She's married woman. She'll calm down. It's good. New tour, me and dance. You're taking that motherfucker on the road. Now you're done. I looked at a schedule and I'm like, P.A. Wilkes, bury yourself. I'm gonna go beat the fuck out of Washington for all because she's killing me. It was a mistake. Now wasn't a mistake. It was never a mistake. Okay. I just think that you were a love and you just put those pictures up, not knowing that when you do a show, I look at the pictures. It's fucking 80% men. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't make sense. Doesn't make sense. It's just, you know, if you're a good looking guy and you stuck along, I have a wife, those little chicks that go see some bash and those chubby Italian chicks, they're gonna be, you know what I'm saying? They just, it's something. It's bad for marketing. It's something like it's just a, and I love love. I'm a firm believer in love and comedy. When you start to take it, I'm like, boy, these guys now see, when they paid 35 bucks in the back of their mind, it's perverted and stupid as this. They don't actually think that, but they want to be able to pretend. Right. They're in their mom's basement, banging one out, you know, Natalie, I'm gonna get a tattoo. Really? Fuck yeah, you got a young audience. That's five, 26. You see that guy who drove like 14 hours to do kill Tony to see Kim Kongden? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you got. You got a kid in Iowa right now. Well, I'm gonna get a tattoo and move to New York and marry now and he paid 35 bucks to see Natalie to hopefully I give her a flower. And the next time I'm gonna show it to Stan and give her roses, you know, in the back of that mind, they're fucking goofy like that. And now I'm paying 35 bucks and I ain't getting up from Natalie. I'm not even a fantasy. I ain't getting a fantasy because she married. So it's just and this goes for any other woman like, you know, there's an age that thought, even if you just say I'm married, but never show that motherfucker, like book pictures of him with his face, like with a devil on him, he should like people lose their mind instead of saying, it's like showing a guy a thigh and up to here. And here goes not because he knows another inch. So if that was I'm not mad at you. No, it's when you're in love, you just you go crazy and you you put everything to the side. Yeah. No, and I know you were like, I get to go with somebody on the road now. It's easier, but fuck that's a pain. Yeah. Yeah. They're a comic. Oh my God. That's got to be rough because there's always something in the comic that wants to come home at night and try to joke on you. And that should not work. They come home. Oh my God. I killed. Let me do this joke on you. So it's like lose your identity a little bit. It has to be just you. Otherwise, like it starts to morph into somebody else. And it's like, it has to be solely your voice. I feel what made you get to stand? I always wanted to do acting. And then I was really bad at it. That's honest. And I felt found more autonomy and stand up. And I could write my own stuff. I could create my own opportunities. And I just like got really hooked on it. Did you what you got up on stage the first time? I went to do. Oh, it's it's funny. I went to do a mic at New York comedy club. It was canceled. So then I went a walk to Grinich. It was canceled. And then I walked to Carmelounge. And then that one happened. And I went up. So it was like my third try that day. And I was like really determined that day to go do a mic. How old are you? I was 22. What are you back in now? I've only been doing comedy like nine years. Done really well for you. Thank you. You're on independent call. You know, right now comics is like an independent feature. You know, you're really going to go with Netflix or Hulu or not. You've got to make your own fucking opportunity. You're not going to, you know, you're not going to wait for Netflix to call you up. Don't call you when you start making a big wave. You know, yeah. But you know, when you sign with Netflix, like they want to know your ticket numbers for the fucking year. Okay. Are you mean Netflix? When you when before Netflix decides whether you're going to get a special, they look at everything. Guys, your podcast numbers the last two years to see if there's been growth. They look at your ticket sales to see if there's been growth. Because then they could grow with you. So that's what they look at everything Netflix. And they go right in the computer. It's like they call your manager and he's like, oh, yeah, he did 82 million last year. No, no, no, no, no. We go in the fucking computer to look at numbers and all that. Because it's all what's that shit? Take a tron or something like it. No, what's analytics? What is it? Algorithms. Oh, no, but there's some sort of service that like tracks how you do ticket sales wise, right? At the bigger clubs. I think so. Yeah, yeah. They get the official numbers, but they're lying. You know, I love it. She goes, yeah, it's a tiny club. It's 150 seats. Go in there with a fucking manager. I guarantee it's 180 seats. Yeah. And then you're like, it's 180 seats. Oh my god. We all that left. Oh, we've got to benefit the blind kids. I know. And we left all the 30 chairs. 100%. The first time I tell people that you can just get robbed. You just get blatantly robbed. Like, you know, you'll hit you'll get the club where you get the bonus and your three tickets away. So you send somebody by the three tickets. You get your fucking 500. Yes, I know what you're saying. God, that's what you got to do. You got to hustle it. You got the bonus that night. And even if you're light like two, some club owners ago, you did really good. I don't feel like it's okay. It's okay. We'll give you the bonus. But there's some motherfuckers that like, listen, you have $4.99 and a half. They happen this time when you're like, what the fuck? And they always get you with that number like too short. Really? I ain't got time. But if I had time to get a click on and count all these chairs. It would find I'm a Gabriel Glacier kept doing a world of theater. Really? And they kept paying them after 10 years. He goes, Bill, do you pay me on the people who were standing there? And the room shut down. He was packling them in there. This is a game. We had 10 Mexicans in a corner like fucking like one of those ice trailers. They put shit down in Mexican in Texas. He had them like watch fucking game. He was selling boxes for Gabriel in the back and shit. But at every level. And he was paying him the same amount every time. Yeah. And he's like, I don't get a raise. There's more and more people. Crazy. God, and I love Bill. I want Bill Boomeray to everything. I love Bill. And I'll do business with build them up because he's cool as fuck. But they forget that shit, you know, they think that you don't know and once one day some people show up And I'm like, man, why do those people stand? Yeah, that's why I don't like people standing at my show Oh, yeah, because they won't if you're standing you have the need to talk It's really weird like there's a couple clubs date. Oh, we only got 250 seats But you're looking at the back of the club while you're on stage and this is up in 30 people standing You're like, I'm not getting a dime of this plus they're gonna be disruptive Because then they're not sitting and they start moving. What do you do after 45 minutes? Yeah, I fucking sit there on comfortable You're on car. It's like going. Well, that's why I don't go to college. It's gonna stand and that's very important like a fucking moral The fuck out of you. I don't like this song. Let me sit down and take one off Yeah, so that's what it's just it's I I love you and Lee. I love what you're doing. It's a fucking struggle. I wish I didn't have to do it ever again Like I don't ever want it. I mean if you came to me and said Joey You got a chance to go on a prison for 30 years and doing comedy. I'll fucking do comedy because the first 10 years are prison It's a fucking prison the first 10 years. You know the planes The fucking you don't understand where the money goes. It's not the plane ticket It's the three ubers you gotta tell you know and the fucking daily airport it's 65 bucks and you're like I just picked up It's exhausting. How come other bags 50 bucks a pop? Some airlines I got one of the six now. Yeah 60 now and then the sea's customer like when you're checking a bag your bags This guy was telling me they wanted 120 hours more for a window So yeah, I love when they say prices started 3.40. Oh yeah. Yeah, you gotta sit in the back But like who fucking FBI guys and yeah by the back room to smell farts and that's to them It's a fucking night battle. You gotta sign up for an airline. Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah You what you said like I got a credit card with an airline and that pays for the the bags I get upgraded a little bit of a deal Yeah, like $5,000 they want I did Delta and they it was like 700 but every bag is free. I get upgraded They give you they give me one free ticket a year like one free companion ticket So they give me uber credit. So add that if you're doing it if you're flying as much as we've done It's uh And I had some crazy happen this weekend. It was the first time Someone was heckling like the entire show And the headliner actually went up and like Just be quiet and the person was like no, this is what we're supposed to do right like this is This is like this is uh we're part of the show and he's like no, you're supposed to be quiet And I've never like do you deal with that a lot because you you put up some crowd work clips sometimes Is that make people think they can talk to you during the set? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never experienced that before and the guy like legit Well, it was his birthday. He was like really upset that we he wasn't supposed to talk During the show. He thought for sure that he was supposed to talk They think that it's about them like they want it to be about them or that it's not rude And it was it was very weird and we've never experienced that before Now I was thinking about you when you were coming on the podcast if you ever ran into this Mm-hmm guys run into this I'm not saying anything good or anything This time you do a show for some reason it's a backdoor Oh, yes, okay, and there's six There's always that fucking insecure boyfriend That has to come The bachelor at party. Yeah, there's always something like that. There's always like a guy that doesn't trust her She's my woman. I want to be there and the guys are first like yeah, that's cool But at the end, they're like guy you brought your fucking husband with you and he's but he's not there to see the show He's dead a bulldog to comic because you guys like Like if three of the women say oh, he's hot Matt rife is hot that motherfucker go to the concert and just You know, he's got to go he's got to go change light bulbs on Monday. So he's looking at Matt rife go And then I had that with my special almost had a kicker guy. Oh, that was really because the girl was dead Is she like comedy? Yes, and you know the guy. I don't want to go see a comedy show. I rather get drunk I want to go to see the Chicago Bears and you can see that You idiot the mess on even playing it's night time. You know what I'm saying, but Do you ever have like women get upset at you? That's what I was thinking I have the reverse or women are just like or you talk to their you do crowd work and they're just like Why are you talking to my man? It's like I don't want to fuck him. I'm like. I don't want him. You can have him I don't know if you do that. I and it's a little bit different because like I'm a guy with girls But like when you're taking pictures after do you put your armor on the guy like anytime a girl takes a picture with me I if you notice my hands are always either in the front or behind my back Yeah, I don't want anybody to think anything so like if guys come up with a girl Do you like do you put your arm around them or does it ever come up or no? No, I don't I don't Sometimes if it's like natural, but I don't All kinds of people will be like is it okay if I put my arm around you and I'm like yeah, that's okay. Yeah, what about on Fridays They go right from work. They can trenches all day. Yes Come right to your show and buy eight o'clock. They're ripe And by 930 they're fucking booting like what do you mean? What about on Friday? Yeah If they didn't even go home take a shot. It's just no to me it's Friday late Friday late. Yeah, I'm in a creepy Yeah, then as they sliver around you you could feel the bacteria Come on you can just feel it right around your waist all around here when they hug you and you get a denser that armpit Like that's why I won't take pictures before shows Because it's bad luck because one time I got a shot of armpit And I had to go on stage the whole time like away from my neck It's like I had a partner like a nobody what are you doing you have two heads? You know those two idiots And then I didn't want to hug nobody to take a lot of pictures because people gonna say joy was fucking right tonight Yeah, some people bring shirts, huh some people bring shirts like to change between yeah, not all if you do helium You know the helium you need like eight shirts. I love it every time you go to fill the helium The air's off. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. He has not working. The air hasn't worked since I got here Fucking July you got to change shirts in the middle of your show. There's 275 people in there. It's 90 degrees 90% humidity and the guy is still walking around going. I don't know There's some wrong with that condition of duck Yeah, condition of the fucked up since Jesus did a show here I love that room that room is awesome. Oh When you're in a row in that room anything in Philly when you're on a roll. Yeah, and now whatever you say I killed the woman last night I raped eight times Philly they take the right. They don't I hope you stand during the neck. Yeah Then I'm give a fucking Philly you even catch yourself saying things on Jesus Christ Which just came out of my mouth and they took the ride So that's why I go about fill it up. It's a great like if you're buck wild Yes, they take the right way Philly. There's a couple towns like that that Houston Hmm If you say president bush In Houston the place for fucking blows up right he go up there I learned somebody Houston. I get the old laptop. You could talk about anything you want But as soon as you said bush the place blew up If you were in there and talk bad about bush You ate a bag of dicks, but if you went to Austin and brought a bush you're standing ovation Hey So in Texas you got to be careful where the fuck you're at, but some of those old town. Yeah, you could say like I love Texas for developing Detroit that's not about to try because there's so many weird people. Hmm. It is weird in Detroit. There's pockets of weirdness It is like I was telling you about each part mean each part mean is a time by no to day That it's like a fucking it's like Las Vegas Nobody even heard about it right by Notre Dame and it's it's Indiana border Indiana, Michigan border Fuck it's a party But I bonded that club man Notre Dame funny bone years ago Whoo real Catholic, huh real Catholic area Red Neckie. Oh, okay. I went up there talking about coke Having people look to be like what is this kid talking about if you bombed would would you feel like anything afterward Would you be like oh that's actually just like? It depends Depends the amount of bombs that we can Give it like have four bombs in a row. You're like just like I need I'm done on the magazine place. Let's see if they have my job back This is fucking brutal When did you stop having a daydream or do you stop a daydream? Um, I stopped in 2019 What will you do? I was working at a coffee shop Yeah, but now you make money on twitches. You're like a fucking millionaire Um, I stream on twitch. Yeah, I play video games. What kind of video games do you play? I play different types I play kind of like cute video games and some scary games. No, no grand theft honors. No, I'm really bad at the driving Me too. Yeah You are really I just run over people at will same I can't control that thing. I'm go with the shooting and the punching and the Robbing It's so it's so sensitive and it's like right it's sensitive you gotta learn how to do the The fucking so it could stay still because I'm not you just go like this hitting things bam Exactly I really want to get good at it before november when the new one comes out, but I just can't Yeah, good for you. That way. Thank you And now you got a fucking and tour of Europe. - Yeah. - Now when you go over there, as a single woman, are you scared? Are you? - No, I'm stoked. I'm really excited to go there. I'm like, this is gonna be an adventure. I'm excited. - And you want one of those fucking hippie chicks? You're into all that shit. You go over there, some guy fucking grabs you and puts you in a alley and gives you a stab, and you got a new joke that night, you know what I'm saying? - If I survive. - Never gonna give a fuck. Don't give them any ideas. - No, I don't. That's your material. I'm like, now Lee, Jesus, what the fuck are you talking about for Christ's thing? No one be your drive in these 22-year-old kids with pimples crazy and shit. They come to your show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. (laughing) Go, she said some shit that I got to go, what the fuck, now Lee, come on. - That's fair. Sometimes I'm like, people must think I'm out of my fucking mind, which I am, to be fair. - No, that, listen, that makes the comic. - Yeah. - Well, listen, a comedian that went to Yale is not gonna be fucking funny. - Right. - Give me the guy that takes Zolo off through his dickhole and fucking stab his wife eight times. - I got it. - Yeah, that's the people are gonna be good comics because we're not stable. We weren't produced to be in society. Now Lee, how long will it take you to fucking, some guy tells you to fucking pick up that garbage can before he tell him to go fucking, so how long? There's some people that are born to that. And there's some people that, and they never find what they are and they become retards. At least people like you and I became comedians. We got, we got mental issues, but we became comedians. So it's right up our fucking alley. - You feel like you have mental issues? - Oh fuck, yeah. - No, but like I feel like you're able to use it so well. - You learn how to deal with it. You learn how to cover it up. - Like, what would your mental issue be? - What would my what? - What would your mental issue be? - No, I got a lot of 'em. - Really? - No, I'm not OCD, I know that shit, but I'm like, I don't even know what OCD is. I know you always talk about it. And I'm like, I don't even fucking know what she's talking about. OCD, I don't know what the fuck she's saying. - This is mostly a joke. But you have some autistic tendencies. Like you don't like change. You like things a very specific way. You don't like a lot of people around you. - Changes in quarters and nickels. - No, like if there's something changes. Like if someone tells you something's gonna happen one way, but it happens the other way. Or if someone, like you just said with Natalie, you got mad and nanally for a year because she got a boyfriend. - That's so valid though. - Oh, well, yeah. - No, I get like that. - Yeah. - I didn't talk to a woman because she made mashed potatoes that was so bad on Thanksgiving. She made a fucking Sri Duncan. I love this woman for all my heart. I still talked to her today before a fucking year. I did not say a fucking word to her. And one day she said, "What's going on with us?" We were always good friends. I go, "You fucked up the turkey." And the fucking mashed potato. Who fucking fucks up mashed potatoes? I just hung up on her. And I go, "We glad it." Because a mashed potato is so bad that people would make it go to liquor store so they could redo her cooking. - Really? - She had Thanksgiving when you had nine o'clock. - Uh-huh. - I had to wait till nine. - Oh. - And then I get there and it's not a turkey. It's a Sri Duncan. It's a turkey stuck with duck. Right there, you lost me. - Yeah. - All right, so I'll fucking eat the, I'll eat the fucking stuffing. And I'll eat the mashed potatoes and dibble on some cranberry sauce. No, no, no, no, no. The hits didn't stop there. Everything was fucking the stuffing was made on a fucking cardboard with olives and shit. And I never saw anything like that. He's a white people in California. And I don't know nothing about Thanksgiving. The vegetables were God awful. Everything. I just got up. I cried. I couldn't fuck stuff. Let me tell you how good my wife is. We got home at like 10 30. I went to bed. I was so depressed. She walked me about three with a turkey, mashed potatoes and a stove stopped stuffing. The same way to have stuffing in prison. That's the stuffing I want. I don't want fucking these people with the, I made this new stuffing. Go shove it up your ass. I don't want that shit. - You're right. It's insulting. But I get pissed at things like that. I don't know if they're autistic things. Like he knows there was a guy by my house. The studio said put two cones in front of his driveway. For some reason, it didn't rub me the right way. Like, because it was a school. And across the house, across the street was the house. And he put two cones on there so a mom can't make a fucking new turn. I would drive by and go, what type of scumbag is this? And then I knocked him his door for Halloween one day. He didn't want to give my daughter candy. He's like, you got to answer these history questions. - Wait. - Wait. Oh yeah, the guy was a fucking nerd, him and his fucking wife. - History questions for candy? - Yeah, he was like a history teacher. Some shit. My daughter was like, fuck it. She just walked away. And I'm like, I go, you didn't give me a little girl coffee. - Coffee. - But she didn't know who fucking Hitler was or some shit like that. The fuck is wrong with you? So every night I would drive home and on the way home, I'd go out of my way to run over his fucking cones. And then he'd come out of there and look at his cone and go, God, damn it. - That doesn't seem, that doesn't seem mentally out to me. - That is. - There's something wrong there. You know, there's something fucking not right about somebody. It just takes it upon them. So I'm like a vigilante of things that nobody cares about. Like I stick up for this little guy. - When they got parked on your street. - Yeah. - Like a little trash in his car. - Yeah. - People parked in front of your house with a nice car to go to Burbank Airport and then they leave that car on the house for three weeks. - That's fucked. - I got to scratch your car. I got to blow up your tires. I got to do whatever I can to you. That's old New Jersey way. - That's fair. - You get to hit. Because I could tell you to your face now that we live here and you'll go, okay, fine, but it's a free country. - Okay. - Okay. - Wait. Do you come out and all fours are fucking flat and you're out there like I only have one tire. Yeah. It's a free country. Now you'll see how fucking free life really is. - Did you really do that? - Did you do that? - Fuck yeah. - How dare you park your fucking car in front of my house for three weeks? - That's a long time. - With a nice car to save two dollars, to save five dollars, to fuck them. People with park fucking seven series BMWs and on my block they're not fucking to take the shuttle downtown instead of you got a seven car. You work hard for it, put in a nice parking. Okay. You don't want to put a park you trust life. I walk right at what? With a fucking key. And I say, wait there with my cat, and I'm like an evil. And I see them get out of the car and they're looking at the screen like, fuck, and I'm sitting there like, huh? I'm just petting a little cat. - Sounds like maybe you need some cones. You need some cones. - Yeah, you need your own. - Take the neighbor's cones. Fuck that shit. - Yeah, I'm out of my mind like that, but people on the stand as actual makes you a better comment. - Yeah. - You don't want to remember who the fuck you are on stage because you're just a lunatic. - Right. I hate when people go, well, what is your act like? - Oh, I know. - What the fuck is so? - I hate that. - What do you think? I think I take a cape off. You want to stage? Who does that? Oh, I love you. What do you see on stage is me. - Yeah. - I talk about some stuff. You know, stuff I don't like talking about, but this is me. I don't know act. I don't know fucking act. - Mm-hmm. - What do you think? - I agree. - Yeah. - What's your mental issues? - Oh, God. I just, I think I'm like a little paranoid. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - About what? I'm paranoid and anxious about everything. - Really? - Oh, yeah. - Like, what are you paranoid about? - Everything. Like, I'm superstitious, too. I only wear blue underwear on stage. If I don't wear blue underwear, I'm going to have a bad set. - Really? - Yeah. I get nervous about that. - Okay. - Oh, yeah. I have a lot of weird shit. Like, whenever I take mushrooms, I think everyone's mad at me. - Well, that's, you're taking mushrooms. - I guess. I'm going all the time. - He's fucking Jewish. Okay. - Okay, I'm half. I'm half. - Okay. So you, that's half your fucking problem, right? See, when you're Jewish, like myself, I have some Jew in me, you're in your fucking end. - You have Jew in you? - Yeah. Cuban fucking Jew. The old school Jews, not these fucking little fat Jews, driving BMWs and making believe they're popular. From old school. - Okay. - If I can dent the BMW, I'll dent it. They fucked up my people, you know what I'm saying? - Oh my God. - So I think, like, we made a good observation a couple of weeks ago, 10 years. I've been watching this and I've got to try to gamble. He's fucking horrible. - Not you? - He's horrible. But three weeks ago, he wins $9,000 when I-- - I was-- - Why? - He won the 9,000. - Why? - That's to why. Because I gave him an edible. And he forgot he was a Jew. So he didn't care about losing. But all the other times, he loses $200, that said, I'm done. I'm done for them. He got $200,000 when there was mattress. Why, he got it in the fucking night. But as you comes out, that's everybody has that. Your own little things come out. - I'm so anxious all the time. - Yeah, you're anxious. So he takes an edible. He's all over the fucking Johnny Goomba, tipping the chick. Once he tipped the fucking lady, I knew the Jew was gone. He gave her like a $25,000, $5,000. - He got to tip the dealer. - Yeah. And that's the thing. You have to, I don't believe in drinking before you go on stage, because I'm not a booze, but I do like smoking a drink. It just takes the add job. - Yeah. - You know, I don't smoke weed because it gets me high, guys. I smoke weed because it's the only last piece of me. - It's a little less. - It's the last piece of me. - What do you mean? - That one, I was like 13. I was smoking pot. That's the last thing I brought from that world. I'm not a thief no more. I don't do comfortable. [BLANK_AUDIO] I don't have STDs no more, you know, things change. No, I never had a STD. I think I did, but I didn't take care of it. I went away by myself. You know, when you hang out with college girls, things happen. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, yeah, like you just know, but I know sometimes that my mental issue helps me when I'm on stage. 'Cause I just don't really give a fuck. I don't give a fuck, like this is what we do. And if I didn't have that little mental sickness, I wouldn't, like today I came up here and I cut everybody off. Like the 46 exit, like I just cut somebody off there. Like I don't even stand in that line with the rest of those idiots. Like I'm on a different level. I gotta call around, I gotta get to the studio. - Yeah. - I gotta driven unless you've, my favorite is he just beeps at people. - Really? - He beeps at people walking by and they don't know how to hear him scream at him. - My daughter, my daughter doesn't know how to handle it. - That's so funny. - You see little faggot's walking from Wawa to like the park. And I'll be with her in the car. - You yelling at them? - Oh yeah, I got a whistle. I got like a whistle. So sometimes I hit him with a whistle or sometimes I just beep at him like, and my daughter go, "Dad, I go to school with them." Oh my God. - Hold on, talk to you about this whistle. - Oh, my wife was a basketball coach. I stole her whistle. So I bring it to different places to fuck with people. So I went to my friends at a bar restaurant. What's the name of any bar restaurant? - In whatever. Forte, great dude, and I brought the whistle. So the whole night, he sat with me and I'm hitting him with the whistle and every time I ball the whistle, he's looking around the restaurant, right? He's getting up. Finally, I didn't say nothing. I hit him with the whistle 20, 25 times that night. And every time he would settle, I hit him with the whistle and he'd get up and look around. The next day he told me he goes, "I thought it was the fire department." He didn't know. - Didn't he ask you about it? - Did he ask you about it? - No, I came out of the podcast and talked about rocking the whistle. - Oh my God. So now I think the whistle, like, nice restaurants, you shit. And you're in there sitting, you beep. And just, people lose their mind. - Wow. - I'm a fucking kid. - It's amazing. - This is part of the stoner. - Yeah. - I'm still a 10-year-old fucking child. - We all are. - So I get off on things like that that don't involve anybody else. It's just for me. - Yeah. - It's for me. - It's for me. - That makes me like. - Oh yeah, I stole my time. - I'm sure I won the year. And I took my friend's one shoe. If you want to burglarize somebody and fuck with somebody, just take one shoe. Go in the house and take one of their shoes of their favorite shoes. And just come over there like a week later. How you doing? I can't find my shoe. They lose their fuck. Yes, that went to an Easter thing. Little Joey. Gets up. Gets a plate of pasta. A sausage and a meatball. He puts it down. His father goes, Joey, get me a soda. He turns around. I took my meatball, put on his plate. He took his sausage, right? I'm saying that. And I see his little 10-year-old kid sitting down and goes, "Hey." And somebody didn't say nothing. He didn't say just, "Hey." And he looked around. He was like scratching his head. Meanwhile, I'm watching him. I'm fucking howling. 'Cause he thought he got a piece of sausage, which he really did. I just wanted to fuck with him. And then he just. So I called his mother today. Well, that's why I did the Joey yesterday. She's like, "I love it." Yeah, I like torture and people, but it's my own torture. I don't want you, like, I would torture. I don't know. - Me. - No, no, no, no. Like, I would have to torture somebody. If you're that gullible, I got to run with it. Like, I could say something to you when I'm done. - Yeah. - Well, I would go, "Joey, but you go really?" And I'd go, "Oh, that's it, I got it." - Yes, I'm gullible. And I'd just say things to you, I think. Did you hear the Martian's last night? The Martian's show, they were in Jersey City. Now, it's just you and me about Martians. You won't tell nobody because, but me and you were like, - Oh, really? - See that Martian left, I'm like, "I just say shit to you." He used to call me and tell me, "If the cops come, don't answer the door." And I wouldn't be fucked with what you said. But I don't want all the cops coming. - I would call them every hour on the hour and go, "If the cops come, don't answer the door." I'd hang up the phone. Oh, you gotta have a good time. - Yeah, you gotta make your own fun. - You gotta have a good time. - You wonder why I'm so anxious. - Were you always anxious? - Oh, yeah. - Okay. - I'm less anxious now than I used to be. - You talk about it on stage. - Not a ton of being anxious. - Yeah. - Not yet. That's a good idea though. I should talk about, I don't know, do you ever talk about being Jewish? - Wait. - But being Jewish? - Wait, I said being anxious. - I know, but it's the same. 'Cause sometimes I'll bring up being Jewish in some places they don't like it. - I have one joke about being Jewish, but that's it. - Really, that's it. And have people ever been weird with you? - Not really. - Okay. - Yeah, it's just like a one-liner. - Okay, yeah. Because some people will bring me up, he gave me the nickname, the Flying Jew. In some places they'll bring me up and they'll like it. It's weird for the first five or 10 minutes. - As the Flying Jew? - I just as a Jew. Yeah, they'll-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But right now it's pretty polarizing. - I guess, yeah. It's weird. How have you found New York? 'Cause you're, are you still young? I feel like you're still, you're younger than I am. - I'm 31. - I'm fucking younger than you. - You all both. - Six years. - How old are you? - I'm 37. So it's like, I feel, I've had, I've only been in New York for like a year and a half. - Oh, really? - Yeah. And I feel like, I feel like the younger crowds don't really like me that much. They like me a little bit, but I feel like the younger crowds are a little weird. I feel like I do better with older people. Like 30 and up. - What do you think? - I think I'd scare them. I don't know. Like the young 20 year old kids don't really like, don't, I'm scared of them. - You're scared of the younger kids? - I try to understand. - Why? - Because it's a younger crowd. And I don't want to be up there just to find my existence in front of a younger crowd and thinking like, oh, well, that's, and I get it. Some of the material isn't what they were raised on. We come from a different, so listen, if I go up there, I'll do just fine. I think you would do great there. - What? In the back, like when I was 30. - Yeah. - And I picked out that curtain and I saw a lot of people who are white hair, my shit would come out of my ass. Like, what am I gonna tell these people? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And all you're doing is short-changing yourself. - Right. - That's why I don't look at the audience. - Right. - It's shit about, you wanna see the theater? - I wanna see nothing. - Yes. - The theater is a fucking theater. - Right, right. - If you think I wanna go down there and do a sound check - Oh, I know. Now my mind runs more. I've never done anything like that shit. - I feel like young people love you. - No, but it's, it's good. Give it a take. When you walk into the city, I'm going up against 30% of people there. I wanted to see, well, they'll go Uncle Joey, but the other people just sitting there and I hear them with an island is joking. Those girls, they're not, you know, they're not. It's fucking weird sometimes where you get away with me. I don't give a fuck. Like, understand where I'm coming from, but the club, you guys, you know, I don't want you guys to feel bad. Joey came in and he had a bag of dicks in front. Like, I can't even see that happening. - I couldn't even think of going to a comedy cell. - Why? - Because they get all those mixes. - Really? - Yeah, it's too many mixes. I think, listen, again, I probably do just fine. - We were at the roasted New Jersey. I was laughing so hard. Someone told me they were laughing at how I was laughing at you. - Oh, we had a good time. We had a fucking good time. But I tell you what, I felt shitty. - I saw you. - Oh. - Once I saw you and you were like with your assistant, your friend, and then you and I sat together and I'm like, "Ooh, shoot for the pressure off me." 'Cause at least I knew Natalie well. Like, I would have sat with Rich, Barney or the black kid, you know, I forget. Not now. But I sat next to you. They sat us together. And when the guy goes, "I'm sitting with Natalie." And he's probably like, "No!" "Fuck, fuck it, God." You know, 'cause now we'll share anxiety together. - Yes. - Now we'll sit next to each other and I told you that. I have anxiety too, so just relax and we'll be fine. - I had this joke where I say like the most Jersey thing, I was like, the most Jersey thing about me is that I'm divorced. Actually, the most Jersey thing would be, if my husband punched me in the face and fuck my sister and he divorced me, right? But apparently the whole crowd took it. As if I said, he punched me in the face. - And they locked up after that. - Well, apparently they were like, "Oh, my ex-mastage" meaning he goes, "Why do you tell people that I punched you in the face?" I go, "I never said that. "You didn't punch me in the face and I never said that." And it's a joke. - You might as well as a Jersey girl. I get it. - I meant it as like it would be as if theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to theoretically have happened. You know what I'm saying, right? - Right, no, I understand, exactly. - Like, this didn't happen, but theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to have happened. - Did you grow up in Jersey? - I grew up in Queens. - Oh, okay. - What did you move to? What did you make your biggest escape from Jersey City? - 2019. - What made you make the move? - My mom randomly moved to Jersey and I lived in LA for like eight months and around that time, 'cause I was like with a guy. We broke up and then I moved in with my mom. - What the fuck were you in LA? I never saw you in LA. - I saw you in LA. - You did? - Yeah. - Where? - Just from afar. - No, but where? - The comedy store. - Oh, really? - Yeah. - I didn't know you that. - No. each other. That's crazy. You were not like, but you were little. You were young. You were young. It was like a year or two and yeah. Did you get intimidated at all? For sure. For sure. Yeah. How do you feel now when you go out there? I feel fine. I feel good. I feel like I know people. There's so much crossover between the scenes that like I see friends and stuff. And I like it there a lot. You know, man, listen, this is how I feel. I think I said, my mother was the lead hooker. They had all the Cuban hookers that used to hang out. I'm just saying they weren't hookers, but you know what I mean, George, this Spanish woman, they're hot and they dress hot. So I was raised around a lot of women like I learned early on like one of my favorite things is to go to a beauty park. You got a haircut just to see the broads talk. I'm not there to hit on them or nothing to that. Just to hear the quack to see chicks with their eyes up and the aluminum fall on there looking like a TV and shit. You know, and then there's a nut bike. When I was young, I would watch women get ready. Like those women would come to my mother's house to get ready. We live on 88 street. Yeah. So they were going to a club called the Cheetah. I'm like Wednesday night. Young hookers, you know, moms that are hookers. Yeah, moms with mom were brand new pussies. That's a new club. Moms are brand new pussies after the birth. And they go out in New York City and they cause havoc and they come home and tell you stories and shit. So I've always felt comfortable, like really comfortable around women. And then I started doing comedy and that's a complete different situation. And then it's so weird when I had like let me tell you what happened to me recently. Like I went on the road. You know, my daughter was born in 2013 on the road. You know, after the pandemic, I had more women coming to my shows now ever before. Really? Yeah. You know, okay, maybe you get your Elvis quality's back being a kid. No, it's because I got a daughter now. That's the only thing I go put on. I mean, it's swamp. Like not like it went from like 95 to 5% women, even a little higher because they come a lot of women bring their boyfriend's on dates. Like the guys are saying to me, my girlfriend bought me tickets. Yeah. That's why I always have a woman opening for me because I don't want the women to come there and hear three guys talking about big technology. It's not going to work. Yeah. Yeah. The woman gets nothing out of that. It's like, it's like somebody going down and you don't return the favor. You don't say it. It's like that. Like you're like, what the fuck? So that's why I always do that to please everybody. But I noticed that as I got older and I had mercy, now I'm getting two girls instead of a date. And they're like in their 25s or 26s. That's awesome. And that no, it's not awesome. But you think about what made because this is the changes that you learn in comedy. Okay. Like you're going to go, oh my god, when I first got on stage, like I said tonight, I hate performing in front of young audiences, but that's just something in my head. Once I get there and touch the mic and walk up, you become a fucking animal and you learn how to navigate yourself through that. But it's so weird that even after 35 years, I still have those doubts. So if you get them, don't feel bad. You know, if you look in a room and it's 80 guys looking like me, you're going to go, what the fuck do I say? These guys don't even get heart-horns. They're not even going to get my material. I got to talk about my agra. I got to find everything I know about my agram blue sheep. So it's the same thing. I'm getting with you. What happens if you open a door? And it's 60 women out of 70. And you're looking the best you've ever looked. They're going to hate you just for that now. Exactly. They're going to hate you just for that. And that's the things that a lot of people don't realize. Like I see a woman with nice breasts. That's great. Well, you're a comic. You got to fucking hide those guns. It's not that type of party because what's going to happen? I'm going to bring my wife. You're going to go up on stage. I'm going to be happy. That Lee Cuomo is going to go. That slut. You mean fucking no now Lee Cuomo, but because you have two shotguns coming out. Yeah. It's the truth. This way. I do feel like it's I got a lot of negativity and it's difficult. It's very difficult. Yeah. And you don't know why for right now. Don't pay attention to it. Just keep doing what you do. And eventually you'll learn. Oh, I say that and the women get pissed off. This, you know, if I go out and stick my head on, I see an old woman in the audience. I start shit. My brain's a little bit really. Yeah. It's going to look at me go. Look at you talking like you fucking 18. You're girl fucking man. Go get a couch and a blanket and hang it up already. Go get a couch and a blanket. But I feel like it comes from guys too negativity. Absolutely. Because I don't like when guys say there's no funny women. Yes. As the biggest hypocritical as hypocritical as I am about like my girls and shit like another thing. That Lee. I love you so much. Somebody came to complain to me about you. I go, it's Natalie. Like I'm hypocritical with certain people. Somebody comes out to me and goes, Lee called me a cunt. It's Lee. Yeah. Yeah. There was somebody else come to me and go, Oh, George called me a cunt. That fucking. Have you? Because you've dealt with like some anger online. How did it take you like a while to learn how to deal with that? What was that like? Yeah. Yeah. I definitely took an adjustment period to learn how to deal with it and to kind of desensitize myself to it. Do you block people or do you just not give them the satisfaction? No, no, no, you can't give them the satisfaction of blocking them. Yeah. Unless it's like they're scary, you know, unless they're like so insistent. Well, like what what would be in like I one guy one guy told me he wanted to blow my brains into the Hudson. That would be scary. Yeah. Then then I would block them. Yeah. That was that was fun. But like that you just like let it go now. It doesn't you try not to read stuff. Yeah. Exactly. It's after a while. It doesn't feel like anything, which is kind of sad. Did it kind of help? Does it kind of help you? Because if people with that upset, at least they're like they're watching your stuff and commenting angry stuff and it goes more up on Instagram. You kind of like it now. Sometimes you get to a point where you're like, Oh, this doesn't have any angry comments. It's not hitting the algorithm. Right. Yeah. It's crazy that I don't. When I first started this podcast and about six years I used to get upset and argue with people on Twitter. You know, and then one day I looked at and I go, it's like when somebody heckles you. It's like when somebody says, after the show, I'm going to blow your brains out. Right. What was that person thinking the more before he walked into that comedy club? Yeah. You know, you have to look at him and go, do I take my criticism from that loser tonight? You're going to go home and say most people do, I was having a good set, but there was a heck of that. Yeah. I'm a great set. There's a guy that's just, you know, if you attack him, now you're going to lose the audience. Yeah. If I call you a fucking idiot and a retard, I'm going to lose the audience. Yeah. So I got to learn how to do it in a way that I turn the audience on him without turning him. I'm not going to say, hey, tell this guy's a loser. No, just why man. You sit next to a pretty girl. You're fucking embarrassing the shit out of it. And they just look at you. Like what the fuck? You know, but to talk to you guys, because I had it out with my nephew Lee and my brother George. You cannot look at those comments. And all you guys are going, but you'll leave here tomorrow and look at YouTube and look at the fucking comment. Not I. Not you either. No, I might. No, because you're taking criticism from people, I don't know what you did to get the way you are. Exactly. So why am I letting you? You could talk all the shit you want. You could talk all the nonsense. And listen, it took me years to come to that. We're a comic. We're comics, right? We're fucking artists. We're entertainers. We're actors. People are going to hate you. If you don't like it, don't go on the Instagram. Yeah. If you don't like posting shit and people are going to go, and guess what? No matter what you post, there's going to be people that hate it. Look at his shoes. What the fuck do my shoes have to do with stand up? Yeah. And that's when you start realizing that these people coming from a different place. Yeah. Coming from the same place. When I go to a comedy show and I see a woman, even if I don't know, I have plodfer. I applaud for her. I wanted to do well. Because if you want something to do well, that's only going to help you. That's really going to help you learn to deal with. If you go up and go, look at her. That skinny legs. She got the last. You lost. You fucking lost. If you go on Twitter or eight in the morning, I see tons of people already arguing on Twitter. I don't get on that till like 10. I see people. Once she goes to school, all bets are off. I go to the gym. So I'll look at Twitter or the Instagram or the Facebook. I don't have Facebook or Twitter on my phone. I don't have IG because that's what people walk out of shit. You know, and it's hard to fucking digest this. It's like they don't know about your pain. They have no idea about you getting stuck. Jesus Christ. You know, they have no idea. They have no idea. They don't know what it is to go to the club when they told you 11 o'clock. Louis CK walks and he goes to one. And now you've got to go up that one. No, that's it. Why are you listening to them? If I have a complaint to you, I'm not gonna write them. Who are you? (laughs) Emily. Natalie. I didn't like that joke, but that joke was weird. Let's do it this way. Yeah. But I'm not gonna come up to you and fucking, that joke sucks. What the fuck are you? Yeah. Oh man. (laughs) What the fuck are you? We're in the stand here. You're fucking Moses. And that's what I don't read knowledge yet. There's nobody should have the power to take you off your dream. Yeah. And that's douche. That's what people are doing. They had a dream. They didn't have the fucking balls to even show the fuck up. When people write that shit about you, they didn't even have the balls to show up. Look up. She went to an open mic, it was canceled. The other buddy out for the gone home. I will. That took me a year to get on stage, bitch. A year, I would get the open mic. I'm sick tonight when I'm eight to four. A year. So she went to two open mics, they were closed. She could have come on home. Could have called the guy to have the dinner. She went to that third open mic. And that's what these people don't know, but they try to take that away from you. They do. Yeah. And fuck. I see your battles. I saw the tape when you went fucking off on the camera. I loved it. I love all that shit. I'm crazy. I love all that shit because that's what happens. I have to you, there's people who go to a show specifically to fuck with your world. Exactly. We lose when we let them fuck with our world. Yeah. As soon as we go, fuck you. You're a stupid heckler. You live in your mother's basement. We lost. Yes. That's it. You became another $3 comment. That's what you are. There's a $10 comment, $3 comment. There's a $1,000 comment, which one do you want to be? Yeah. You can't do it from the beginning, but you learn. You learn. We're going to take a break now. So now we can pee. We can either fucking pickle. We'll be right back. Uncle Joey here to talk to you about 420. 420 this year is within the cloud. Look at this. End the cloud has everything. Gummies, vapes, pre-rolls, edibles, zero calorie THC sodas. End the cloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary for you. I love them. I don't know why I love them because they send everything right to the house. All in the cloud products are federal legal THC. Everything sold is DEA certified and lab tested. Listen, you know me, I go over to the limit here. I'm a 500 milligram type of guy and they got them. If you're 21 older and a new customer, go to indecloud.co. That's dot.co, not.com and use church code for 40% off your first order. That's in the cloud dot CEO code church for 40% off all month long. This is 420, baby. And everything shipped discreetly to your door plus free shipping on orders over $50 and $30 and free gifts on qualifying orders. How's that? After you order, fill out the survey and tell them the church saying it's that easy. Enjoy 420 and I want to thank indecloud for sponsoring us on 420. Enjoy it. Deep. We're back. Pitches. Anyway. So what is Natalie? All right. So I didn't know this should about stand up and actually. Yeah. You still want to be an actress because we talked about you modeling. Yeah. Why don't they say anything? Well, I don't. They do anything. I don't know. I feel like everything I've done myself. So you have to do it yourself. Three quarters. And they'll close and be the hero. What? Yeah. Oh, we worked on him. This bitch. Exactly. I'm exchanging emails at this month. I'm going to six months. Exactly. I came in to give me, you know, to close it. Exactly. Oh, we did a good job. You didn't do nothing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm giving you 10% protection. 100%. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. It's after work you do. And that's when you really realize that listen, you have an agent, you have a manager, you're paying out 25% a week, 20% a week, and you got to ask yourself, what are, what are we doing here? Is it worth it? Is it? No. Because sometimes you get a manager who thinks he's cute. High Natalie. I have an audition for you. You're like, oh, great. What is it for? Batman. Oh, great. And all of a sudden, your agent calls you and goes, did you get that audition? And you're like, yeah, what are you talking about? Yeah, I got it for you. I just called your manager. Tell me. Now, is this motherfucker an answering service? The ten points a month because I want my manager to run a different scam than the agent. 100%. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. You do movies and television and bookings like this motherfucker going to the nitty-gritty. Listen, H.B.O. Look at it. Stand up special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursday, the guys are going to be down to get you a spot there going and kill those type of moves, not the moves that my just talking to your agent. I think that's a brilliant idea. Fuck you. I think it's interesting that we're trained to, in the beginning of our careers, we're trained to think that we need to impress the industry when it's the other way around. Yes. They need to impress us. They need to be showing us that they're valuable, but we're told there's agents and managers here. You have to do your best. It's like, no, no. Why are we manipulated to thinking that there's a shift in the power dynamic? Yeah. That's what I'm most looking forward to. I'm not going to tell them to fuck off, but like people who don't answer my emails now or like people who like I'm basically suck with everything but sucking their dick. I can't wait for that to be able to get a little bit of a power switch. That's like, all I'm, I'm so looking forward to. But there can be that switch right now. You just have to know your value. Like you are the talent. They don't have a job without you. Right. I don't have, I don't have any representation yet. So, but it's more like the clubs and the bookers and, and I get it. I get where they're coming from because I don't sell like a ton of tickets right now. But I'm looking forward to, because I think I'm funnier than they give me credit for. But the fact that I don't sell out rooms or whatever, they can, they can pull their little power moves with me. And I have, I feel like I kind of have to let them now. Maybe I don't. I don't know. But when I, when I can finally do a Joey, say like when you're like, oh, no, you know what? No free tickets or none of it like all like just like weird stuff. Like that you can ask for like, I can't wait to have a rider. Like that's like just the idea of like not, instead of clubs being like, oh, like I was just in a club a few weeks ago, they're like, you get one drink per show. I don't drink. I drink like diet coax and they were counting my diet coax. And I want to be like, come on, man, like that. And then I want to go in one club owner was telling me this last week, he's like, there's one guy needed a bottle of tequila and a bottle of champagne for every show and a bottle and a new pair of sneakers. And it was like, it was like any griffin or something and I was like, I can't wait to call the guy. I'd be like, I need a new pair of sneakers every show. It's not. They don't have a form. Sneakers come out of your paycheck. That's what I said. All right. Don't think that they buy it. That's what they tell you. Yeah. Yeah. At the final rundown, you'll see the fucking sneakers and yeah, the fucking, the trip to get you remember that white egg because everybody wants egg whites. Oh, yeah. I really don't egg white. Can you get us an egg white omelette? They'll bring you an egg white omelette. At night? No. Like some guys do. Some dudes go to Miami and probably stay in Fort Lauderdale and call the Miami Club manager and go, hey, I'm in the move for egg whites and break it and they're like, okay. But that all comes out of your little checkie pool at the end. You're thinking you're a killer, you're like free sneakers. Keep thinking that and a charge next to 100. You know, it's like anything. You can buy my sneakers and buy, yeah, like anything else. But I think you're right in one thing that I tried to tell you a couple weeks ago. You have to know your value and you have to walk in there like, I don't like doing this. But you have to do it. You have to walk into like Jack E. Gleason, 100% polished and you gotta dime in your pocket, you know, and there's all those little things that will lift you mentally. Like, just because then I lift and you're gonna be a headliner, doesn't mean I don't have a headliner. It means you don't have the credit and stuff. And that's why I always tell you on comments and then I want to hear this shit. Listen, I know you don't want to act, I really know you don't want to act. Nobody does. Compared to stand-up comedy, acting is a fucking nightmare. Okay? But if you can make somebody like you at NYPD, blue or law and order, you get somebody who likes you. You'll do four law and orders a year as a co-star. And that's what I want that club manager to see, that club on to see. I saw Natalie hormone because that put you into it differently. You may not be a star. You got one line, you let the guy cigarette, you turn the way, it doesn't matter. You're on an NBC show. So I got to treat Natalie different unless this does go the other way. Yeah. Okay? Not only that, all that auditions and helps you stand up and at one point they just meet. It's not going to happen after two months and after like 18 months after auditioning, you're going to go again. How come I can't book none and you're going to figure it out and go in and then start booking. It's like everything else. You turn the switch on when you can't take the bad and women. She leaves after that last punch to the head, you know, saying that last punch to the head, I could live without that last punch. How does that relate to acting? I'm just saying, I don't even know. It all comes together. And that's what a lot of comics don't understand. But it's time. I'm going to blow your mind. I remember when I was doing comedy 10 years, I'm like, yeah, how about the fucking comedy story? These bitches can't tell me shit. And I remember when that I sat next to Mitzi. She was watching who. Pablo? What's the name, Pedro? No, the other guy. Porra Jiegos is on stage. This had to be 20 years ago. And I'll never forget my sat next to her in the booth. She was saying that he was fucking destroying the ring. I mean, destroying it. And she looked at me and I was feeling good about doing comedy 10 years and she goes, ah, that's what you'll look like 20 fucking years, 10 more years of this shit. 10 more fucking years to get like that. But then it's you 10 years ago. It's like, join the army like I'm not joining because it's four years. How quick is this nine years? Really? You've got two degrees right now. You could have been an attorney, a fucking president. You know, but you'll always go. I don't have four years for law school, bitch. It's kind of blurped. It's it's crazy. It's it's it's crazy. How fast it goes? And all of a sudden you're like, wow, I've been to four worth five times. This is bizarre. Yeah, no, and that's and then you have to start thinking like that. Wait a second. I'm a new comedy 10 years and I've been a fourth world five times. I got to up my game. I got to get the pirate taxes. I got to get somewhere else because that's you just keep challenging yourself. It's not about, listen, you could be mad at all those bookers that don't talk to you. Don't pick up your emails. I was. I'm going to tell you what a better feeling is when they have to hire you. And now you walk into the club and they're like, well, happy to have you and they start giving you that backpillent bullshit. And you give them that look. It's like that look. It's like that look you give your ex-wife's husband. I don't say it. Like you might be banging the Bible carrots in the rest. Like, like, like, you got the upper hand. Like, you know, that look right now. You know that. I've never heard that saying and I'm obsessed with it. That's a real experience of the head. Think about it. Have you put carrots in someone's ass before? No, but it's part of one of my ex-wife, my first ex-wife, we went to war. And one day in passing, she was telling me that when she lived in Tempe, that the guy next door was putting carrots in his girlfriend's ass hole and I made a mental note of that. Like, that's crazy. This is 1984. But I end up marrying this girl and we had a child custody battle. Okay. I still don't talk to my daughter over like 25 years old with this dirty bitch. So when I beat her in court the last time, as we're walking out, she's walking out without that boyfriend, a guy who had like a rage rover. He was like the sweaters around. Yeah. Yeah. He couldn't handle what I had coming up. And after court, we were walking out and I go, "Cathy, I don't know how you support carrots in your ass." And bro, it was on. She turned around. What? Yeah, tell him. And I just kept talking over. Tell him how you support carrots in your ass. Little ones, big ones, fucking all of them. And I was, John, John, you're gonna put a carrot in your ass. It's a fucking party. And I just kept going because it was five years of me getting tortured by this woman. And she was tortured me because I had two felonies. And the third felony would be a 25 years. And I'm like, "I'm not gonna get involved in this shit." And finally, one day I said, "You know what? I'm fucking taking them down." And that's exactly what I did. I went after the boyfriend, smacked them and the court, the kept throwing out a court. So this is five. You smacked him? Fuck yeah. But I smacked them in the city limits of Boulder and you can't use the racial reference. So he called me a spick and I smacked them. So I got thrown out a court. So that'll walk out a court with a black guy, her crying. And I said, "Barrots in her ass." All right. Talk about the carrots in your ass. Tell them about Easter Sunday. I would just, I was fucking going off. And it got to the point where he walked away from me. That was the best. Yeah. That was the best. And that was me letting her know, "Mother fuck I want." Okay. You ran your game for five years. But like again, the, like the man says, "What's the dude saying in that movie? You could shoot 25 motherfuckers. Why shoot 25 motherfuckers when you got to shoot one?" I said, "Why run down there and shoot one when we can walk down there and shoot them all?" No, that's a different one. All right. No, this is like, you know, it's an old expression. It's the same thing. It's like when your ex-wife called you up and go, "Let's go to dinner with my new man." You're like, "Okay." And she's like, "Look at me with a bow tie." And you're like, "You fucking faggot. I used to tie her up and spit her mouth to all this crazy shit." Did you do crazy shit? No. No, no, no, no. I was talking to a friend of mine before. And we're talking about putting ice cubes in your mouth and he's a girl's pussy, right? And how you, you ever get that done to you? No, I've never. Tremendous. Really? Yeah. Just haven't put the ice cube in his mouth and lick you a little monkey. It numbs it. And then they pop it. And then what you do is you pop the ice cube in your monkey, suck it out and give it to you to suck on for a little while. So we get that sexual connection. I look at how we just any hand on anything freaking out. Yeah, yeah. No, you obviously have. No, yeah. In my youth. It's okay, okay. I was a fuck. I can't do that shit to my wife. She don't approve. Why? Are you fucking crazy? She's a Christian and shit. I said my wife want to pull ice cube in her ass. It's all over the shop. You got to find the right woman to do that shit with. But yeah, you took that girl the worst thing I did when we used to cook and fuck. But that was it. I never didn't. Kinky, I never tied her up enough like that. I didn't find out about that. I became a comedian. You learn that shit on the road. Women tell you, time me up, spit my mouth. You know, I can do all this nasty shit. It's a different world. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to smack the girl on the face. Like smack me in the face. It's wrong with you. I had a girlfriend. I punched her so hard, New Year's Eve. She couldn't go out. She couldn't go out to New Year's Eve. Why? Because you want to me to tie her up and punch in the face. You went a little too hard. Well, she can call me a faggot. smack me. Oh my god. I don't want it. Yeah. I'm a Catholic. You finally got to let go. New New Year's Eve. You got that one eye. She's with sunglasses. She's the one that showed to Tampa. Crazy Carol. Crazy Carol. Yeah, crazy Carol. That was a girl. I started dating. I was 32. I'm gonna tell you something. Like you're from this area. I went to, you know, that what's that place that we used to go to as kids? I know you heard about it over there. The fact bar in the city. I used to talk about on stage. I'm in the meat packing district. With a guy dancing outside with a dick. What the fuck? I saw a guy in the tub once with a sign that's his spit on me and people walked that know one of those and it was three floors. It was lesbians on the second floor. New York was buckwild. Ramrod. Yeah. Ramrods was a gay guy in a dark club in the village by the meat packing district. Holy shit. The things you saw in there, but what are you gonna do? You got to find the perfect fucking animal. Then cocaine came along. And cocaine will let women will let you do trippy things when they did coke. And that was okay. It was just okay. But I started dating Carol when I was 32. The first month, that bitch blew my fucking mind. Really? I got a sugar daddy at 25. She had gone around the world. So she's like, I'm up forever. But whatever you're up to, anal, my eyeballs, whatever. Like she was in, in, and I was like, this is crazy. Wow. She would go to store my own Vaseline. That's a woman, Jack. When they buy their own Vaseline, they tell you they got on sale. Look, I got the Vaseline on sale for a dollar off. Then one time I was with them now, I'll tell you this because you like all this pretty shit. I do. Well, how do you know? I like creepy shit because I watch your material. I watch your jokes and shit. Now, there was this little cave in Seattle. It was like a river that you went to and it was like a cave and you just walked on to the river. You wanted to get wet or whatever. And there was other caves. Wait, where was it? What is the Seattle washing? Okay. There's just a cave in a river. Circa 1987. Okay. You go to this resort and it's just a river, but they made like little caves, like just like a bungalow, but it's in the rock. It's in the stone. Okay. Okay. So it took like bulldoze and took it out. You put your towel in there. If you don't want to be in the sun, you put out. So we're in there with drinking like cool, smoking dope. We're doing a couple lines of coke. It's two in the afternoon. It's the Lord's day bikini's on and she's sitting there with this tiny bikini. She said something to me. She was pissed about some and she turned around. It's like fuck you, but she was looking at the river and her ass was right here. I'm drinking this warm cool. I'm looking at her ass. I'm drinking this wine cool. And I go, it's going to get heavy now. And I just took the wine cooler and slither a little song. I just started playing with the wine cool and I'm monkey just to see what happened, right? To see if she'd go, don't do that. She didn't say nothing. I just kept doing it. And finally, I saw that it went in her. And I just like pushing the bottle in and out like a lunatic. And I'm starting to get fucking hot and sticky. She's all fucking hot and sticky. And next thing I look at the bottle and as I pull out, blood comes into the bottle, like the suction pulled out a period. I didn't know this and I fainted. I fucking fainted because I thought I caught a pussy. That's 20 years. That's 20 fucking years. It's like putting a dildo in somebody's ass like in the 80s, what happened? The guy put a hot dog in his ass and was frozen and broke. So he had to go to emergency room and take the hot dog out. - That's so scary, thank you. Nally, you got it. You want it. You want it? You got it. I'll give it to you. Yeah. So yeah, they used to have bags. He used to put hot dogs in the frozen hot dogs in the hot dogs of break. Why? And I don't know because there were frozen and you have a warm ass. I don't know One of those Arabs on Times Square making a hot dog. I don't know nothing I have to go to the hospital and take the other piece of hot dog removed by the arrest. Well, next time you want to last hook up with a fucking emergency room doctor and take him out the dinner and start asking him Creep you quite what's the craziest thing you seen and they'll tell you some shit sex stuff. That's a crazy shit They see a woman swallowed a ball Like one of those balls they put in your mouth What was the last time you blush Natalie? Don't seem like someone who blushes a lot, but you're turning fucking both of you're turning bright red Natalie's thinking about who she's gonna make do this. She's come on. I got to find the fucking victim I need to find a hot dog in this hot dogs right there Cook they'll bend And I think they would get those. Oh, they put pepperonis up their ass. That's right. It would break Pepperoni, that's thicker. I know and it was in their ass like a bunch of Italian gay guys in Brooklyn. Oh my god. Oh, yeah There's a whole world out there. You haven't touched on Natalie. That's fucking waiting for you. I feel so naive. No Wills yourself You were saying something about a month ago I watched something that you were making love to a guy and he said something and You're like, we'll do it this way. I'm like, what the fuck is she doing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know what it was I don't know what the fuck were you saying? I know I know you're talking. I know the other joke about that you woke up and you farted and sperm was in your ass or something like that. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? You woke up drunk and you didn't know if you had sex but then you farted and something came up. I was dying I'm like fucking now. Now how do you come up with that one now? Look at how she lives life dog. I don't know The one thing you want to do is look up a Natalie because eventually somewhere She's gonna come up on her act You're gonna come up as the 22nd man or something Do any guys get mad at you like don't tell it don't talk about this Um, they'll be like really that was your experience. Oh, they think they killed it. Yeah That's where you really laugh when girls talk to you. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god. I went on with this guy last week Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Kalonani took by agra his dick wouldn't come out. It was and that's I couldn't even imagine I have a friend and she told me she wanted a date with a guy And she go we were hard to try it ready to fuck. I didn't know Because I brought Cuban food And she goes when he came in the room. He smelt the Cuban food. He passed out. He couldn't smell it. It got him sick Like whenever I smell like Indian food. I get the same thing like when I went up to uh Those buildings up there used to make like a paste. Okay. I wanted to taste it. Smell good But it was like I don't even know what I'm talking about One of the guy who passed out of the smell of Cuban food apparently he's passed out. But why? I don't know. You sick or something like that. He just passed out the ambulance. How do you imagine that? You're gonna hook up with a guy and then he just passes out. It's past the fuck out like Low-sugarism. He smelt. Are you sure that's why he passed out? That's what she told me right right But it's just so rough man, but I I admire you I admire a lot of women comments because I fucking know And I know a girl like you walks into a comedy club mixing though She's got 20 helpers that want to help her write material We'll get you to the top. Oh, that's right together. Yeah, let's do this. Oh my god Yeah So keep in touch with me. Let me know what's going. I'm always watching you I came clean with you tonight. I've been watching you. Yes. Yes, and I haven't seen you in years. I know It's my girl. Oh, so when I heard you were doing the benefit. I was kind of happy, but I was mad at you I forgive you thank you for being honest. Yeah, no more boyfriends on the road exactly. They stay all you Keep in the whole town. Shall you fuck them out? Stay in the fuck Get back Stay in the room and I in those panties for mom Got a date you want to plug? Yeah, I've got my Europe tour coming up Starting in April 26 and I'll be in Europe in the UK and then I also have Portland, Maine This coming weekend and then Charlotte, North Carolina that we can after that How long? Yeah Gonna be away for a couple weeks. You don't come in this room. No That's big money. You know, it's just not on my not on my list. You tell me a little helmet on You do it under the dome. You know what I'm saying Lights look at the lights, you know, no really thinking about that these days I would love to do a show in Israel. You would? Oh fuck yeah Well, I'm sure you could if you wanted. I have no passport. The family's what oh wait, you can't leave the No, I gotta get a new passport. They won't give it to me because I got a felony warrant in Seattle. Why? Because I put the bottle in that girls pussy I had a warrant. There's a 95 for you. We afraid the bottle broke but it didn't that's what I thought it was a I thought it cracked and it cut her That would be terrifying We whenever I broke up we fought on us on a fucking street and Holly would offer sunset She had mason one hand and I had a pot roast on the other And I was gonna hit it with the fucking pot roast if I get my hands And a pot roast she had mace shooted at me and I had a pot roast you fucking bitch Don't you hit me with that fucking mace. That is amazing. You guys always fall with food. There's soup Hot roast mashed potatoes mashed potato. No, that's that's the mashed potato chick Poki That's her name Stacey Pokoludo Poki. She's a publicist Not a good cook Anytime you want to come on you got an open anything thank you for having lunch, you know wine bottles We love you here your defense. I love you. Thank you for coming on. Lee. What do you got baby boy Thursday night? I think I'm with you at the dojo and then I'm at Grizzly Pear Saturday. I'm headlining Parkville Market and Hartford We're right headlining. Oh, yeah Look at lately trying. It's a brewery. It's fun. I've done it twice before and it's a lot of fun. I'm really excited Well, I love you guys. I got nothing We got a Nashville comedy festival out of the rhyming theater November 18th at the label that sold out Brooklyn And that's it and then I got from April 15th And then I got surgery on the 23rd now be playing twitch With Natalie by May 5th by the time she gets back from Europe We'll be doing it because I got a new family got me a new space station too. Oh, yeah, I don't all it Nice knowing I got to learn how to do this shit. Yes Thank you. You're beautiful. Love you guys have a great week. Stay black (upbeat music)