Joey Diaz has had enough!

What's happening, beautiful people, is to church or what's happening now? Next edition, whatever it is, I know we were gone last week, Lee was in Japan walking around. I had my surgery, but we're back in a big way. What's up, Tarzan? Oh, I'm happy to be back. It was good. It was really fun. I haven't taken a vacation in 15 years. In New Orleans, crazy, and I wanted to, I was thinking about you the whole time, how crazy was it coming here and not speaking the language, or did you speak the language when you got here? I don't even know. That was like, I've been to Israel once or twice and then Japan, I mean Canada and Mexico, but like not speaking the language was pretty fucking interesting. It made me think a lot about people coming here. And like me being a little bit more understanding because like going somewhere and you can't speak the language and you can't like talk to someone at the train station. And now with the phone, you can like translate and kind of translate it for you. But even like the signs, everything, it's just not speaking the language was fucking really interesting. And you got up to people and went to the map and a food, a food, a fire, y'all gone. Oh, food they figured, a food they knew, food they had English menus and they thought they didn't fuck around. That was, it was, and you know what saved it was great about it. It's one of the countries where they don't, they get mad if you tip, saved a lot of fucking money, not 20% on everything. And it was amazing. It was, the food was out, it was, it was just stuff that I'd never experienced. And I ate an entire shrimp with like the head on, a little fish. But I, I don't know, it was just the whole thing like Tokyo makes New York look small. I pull to you on one thing, we were, we were, like the third or fourth day, we were walking and go see like this palace they had. And they kept sending us the wrong part. So we did like 20, we did like 25, 28,000 steps a day for like 5 days straight. And we were sitting down and we had like another 10 minutes to go to get to the palace. We finally were on the right path and we looked at each other like, it's all right. We just left, we, oh my God, my, who he is looking for a palace right Columbus. Oh my God. The palace just, and it was, that was funny, but then I got to do stand up in Tokyo. That was really cool. Maybe think of a Tom Rhodes, like how he, how he did his career with the Japanese people in New Orleans or America. Now one or two Japanese, but it was mostly like European and American people who live there now. They have, it's called like the Tokyo comedy bar. It's like, it's a perfect room for me. There's like 50 people there. And it was just really, that was really cool. And then I know, I know you love Okinawa, Okinawa, it was weird. It was like a little bit run down in like the main parts of it, but I drove American, right? And they do, they have an American town because they have a base. Right. It's a base. Um, but the rest of it not like, it's a lot of farms, um, the beaches were really, I went snorkeling. They put me in a wetsuit, which is hysterical. I look like it's a guy out of it. Me too. I'm surprised. Dude, I, I felt, you had to sit on the edge of the boat and like jump into the water. And I got ahead and the fucking goggles, I had the flippers on and I, I went to go sit down on the edge of the boat and I fell into the boat and all. Yeah. That was crazy. I got into a fight with somebody on a plane and like, you know, I, I don't get into fights with anybody, but I like, they had to separate us on the plane because I don't, we have like a three hour flight before the 15 hour flight home and I reclined my seat. I wanted to take an app and I know I'm short. So it's, I know a lot of people don't like when you recline the seat. If, if he had asked me like, Hey, man, do you mind not reclining? I would have, I would have, but he just kept kicking it like he was a kid. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. And at the end of it, I just looked, I turned around and he's like, you're a fucking, he called me a cunt, which I thought was great. And then the, uh, the flight attendant just moved me up to basically like the front of the plane, me and me and the wife just so we wouldn't run into each other after the, because he was going off. He was really, and I get it. I get like if you're if I'm scrunching you because I had people doing that to me on the next flight, but you can't, if you're not going to talk to me like a human being, I'm not going to just assume that was crazy. And then I was telling George on the way down here, have you ever gotten scammed by a cab driver in New York? I got, we, there's a thing that to go from JFK to Manhattan is like a flat rate. We get in 20 minutes to the ride. He hands me a note. It's going to be a hundred bucks. And I like that it's actually not, it's going to be 70 plus whatever. And he turned around and took us back to JFK because that, because I wouldn't, I wouldn't take like the hundred bucks just because he said it. Fucking, it was, it was a, a crazy two weeks. But it was, you would, you would love it. You would love Japan. There's a lot of fucking walking. That's a lot. There's a lot of fucking. I don't want to walk anywhere. Like it's a praise. That's why I'm going on vacation. I want to go from my hotel downstairs. It's got to be on the same block. There's a lot. You could do that. I don't want to see no palaces. And I don't know. No, we did, we did like three things. We just went and ate the whole time. Yeah. That's basically what I would do. We just eat, maybe go see a rock or something. Yeah. And I'm not walking about 30,000 miles of fucking day. No. You know, you get like two blocks out of me. You know, it was, I'm like, shit, all inclusive. I'm very old-fashioned. I like everything in my neighborhood. So if I got to go to another neighborhood, you lost me. Yeah. And it was, because there's so, there's so many neighborhoods in, like, I thought LA, New York was big Tokyo was just nothing. Anyway, it's weird because it was a lot of it in the future, but also like a kind of in the past. Like they had, they stole a toll boat, toll booth people. They can have drivers wear suits, which was great. That's what I like that. Very clean. Very clean. Very clean. The trains are super clean. They're spotless clean. The dude, they have cloth seats on the subway, like this, like your couch. That would get so full of piss in New York and like, not even an hour. That was great. Every, honestly, everything, everything was really cool. I didn't like driving on the wrong side of the street. That was terrifying. Like a little confusing at first. Yeah. Oh my god. You on the left side. Yeah. On the left side. You're on the left side and you, they move the steering wheel to the other side of the car. So that was fucking. Well, the steering wheel is on the right hand side. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. The steering wheel is on the right hand side, but then you're also driving on the left hand side of the road. I don't give a fuck about that. I'm talking about where's the steering wheel on the car right hand side. So you're driving on the right hand side. Hello? What the fuck do you do that? Oh, I know. I drive on. You see me play GT. I drive all over the road. That's right straight up backwards. That's the least of my fucking worries. I'm talking about getting in a car green and going, okay, welcome to Tokyo. Get in that fucking car and start pedaling. Oh, I would on the right side. Dude, I was on my fucking side. I was only drove in Okinawa. I would have killed somebody in Tokyo, but you know, you know what they did have? They didn't have rickshaws in Kyoto. They have like a forest of only bamboo trees. Nice rickshaws. Yeah. And done a nice, if they had it at the palace, I would have seen it, but they only had it in like a little. Would you stop with the palace? See the best thing was if you were taking that to the palace. I know. I don't that's the thing. Oh, see some poor Japanese guy sweating after three hours. That motherfucker. He'll take a tip. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All these people know it's against tipping. You give that motherfucker 14 dollars to just roll you on his back for two hours. Get the fuck out. I gotta take everything. Slip is you don't give a fuck. You'll think the soul's off your feet, but then and then prostitution is legal there. Well, it's like not legal, but it is. They have rules like you just that you can't have sex, but you can like blow jobs are fine. They have like the entire area where our hotel was, which they call like soap lands, which is very, it is a very surprising soap land. Yeah. It was like soap and like wash and give you blow jobs. I have no, I didn't go in, but it was I honestly just made me want to do more of that like blow jobs. Blow jobs would be great, but no, I mean, just doing like I can't wait to go to like Australia now and do stand up, London and do stand up. But it was, oh, I thought about you on the flight to 15 hours. That was fucking that was rough. That's all right. You got nowhere to go. That part's not bad. You just bump into people and shit, you just you're in your room. My ass was numb for like a day and a half after that. That's a long flight. You get tired, man, 15 hours in a plane. That's a long time. No. Not good for me. No, how much could you do now? Could you do take California? Six. Don't wanna. Okay. Don't wanna. Fuck that. How have you been? How's the week been? It was God, manless. And I just got it down to what the thing is. 'Cause I'm like everybody else. I'm like you guys, I'm like you guys are watching. My mind's straight, you know? And you're working on something and then you just fall into a different all. But with this, I think the first time I had the surgery, I didn't take care of myself like during it. That's why I heard it eight times the first two months. So this time I'm sticking to my fucking, like I'm dying, I go to stand up. - Really? - Yeah, 10 minutes, you know? Not an hour, I don't feel like I'm in a plane. 10 minutes in a while, but I know I can't. - We're coming in a few weeks. I was just dark to walk up and, you know, I used the cane, 70/30, like I don't use the cane a lot. - Oh no, I didn't know they gave you one. - Yeah, they gave me two of them. Then my friend sent me one with a knife in it and broke last night. So it's a very crazy glue that now I'm back, Jack. It's a fucking knife, man, like this will stab two people. - Is that how it broke? How did it break? - No, it broke because I was playing with Joey. I was pushing it and he pulled it the other way and the fucking stem fell off the fucking thing. - Oh my God. - But then we got home last night with crazy glue and now we're back to top of the glue. - How's the handicap back at working out for me? - Oh, like a doctor. Today I had to go to that place to get chocolate bread. The guys from you know, - Stand out there. - Royal, whatever. They have family, Royal Crown and I think it's called like Likotina, something like that. So I heard it opened up last week and there were lions out there. And I'm like, I'm not gonna be like one of those idiots. You go there during the week between 10 and 12 or one and three and you're good. - Right. - That's the least busy it's gonna be. If I go on in a Friday and Saturday's Sunday and try to be junk in the old school, you're gonna be out there for a fucking hour. - Hour. - So I went out there today and as I was pulling in, I looked for parking, I'm like, fuck, I forgot. And also I'm like, right there. It was right there, the clock. Hold right in there, walk 80 feet across the street, got myself some chocolate bread. I got a turkey sandwich with Americans today and some avocado. - Nice. - With lettuce and tomato, heavy on the salt and pepper, nice, really nice. I'm not a sandwich guy anymore. But who's good? - From the same place you got the turkey sandwich? - Yeah, they have everything there. They have a full fucking bakery there. - Oh. - Yeah, they're playing around in there. - The chocolate bread, you've talked about, we were talking about it today. - This chocolate bread is really good though. - Yeah. - It chunks the chocolate that motherfucker. - We have to do some, we have to put some sort of breakfast say what's on it. Like, I was thinking about the bacon and orientie, like a nice thick crunchy bacon on it, like a bacon egg and cheese on that. - Oh. - On the chocolate bread? - Yeah. - There's gotta be something. I, I go more like a, maybe like a pancake on that. Like a fucking pancake sandwich. - For the pancake sandwich. - Oh, Jesus Christ. - A chocolate with some cream in that bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's the way to go. Some Nutella in the middle. The really fucking fuck you up for breakfast. Eat that up for breakfast. I don't see a ham and cheese in chocolate. I don't really see a-- - Soapy and sweet. - You gotta. - No. - Okay. - I don't see a ham and egg. - I don't know if egg breaks on chocolate. If I break into a yolk, I don't know what that yolk is gonna taste like on my chocolate. - I think, I think it would be good, but I, see I forgot, you know, you're not like a scrambled egg person. - I said, I'll eat 'em if I have to. When you go to prison, that's all they got. When you fly on a plane, that's all they got. So I like 'em better when somebody makes 'em in a home. It's like the ones we got on the flight. The construction eggs. We got on the plane. (laughing) Yeah, listen man, I'll eat scrambled eggs and I'm my favorite. - Right. - And when you go out, if you keep going, when they look at you and they go scrambled, that's what I'm like, not because they already got, they got the thing I'm made back there. - Oh yeah. - It's just, no, no, no, no, no. - Yeah. Have you ever had those eggs like that? - Poached. - Not poached, it's great too, but we're like the yolk is orange. Like not like the yellow, like-- - I don't know, I know what they call it or whatever. - They're like the other shit. - What's this shit with the brine sauce on it? - Oh, hollandes. - I'll eat that once in a while, but I don't like the sauce dipped on it. - Okay. - I don't mind getting the egg and dip it in the hollandes, but I don't want the hollandes. - Was that called Benedict, Egg's Benedict? - Egg's Benedict. - Yeah, that's not bad. But we had like eggs in Japan and it was like, the chickens are like, I guess healthier? I don't know, it's like-- - Yeah. - When people say they have like chickens at their house and like the yolks are like orange, it was, it tasted very, you had it. I haven't, I had never had like fresh eggs, I guess. - Fucking crazy. Have you ever thought about getting chickens in the back here? - Yeah, but the raccoons, not the raccoons, the wolves, these shit, the foxes. They rip into those cages. I'm on the mood to go out there and see feathers everywhere. (laughing) Like chickens all chopped up. I'm not even, you know. - They'll just ruin your day. (laughing) - I can't, I'm a love to get a chicken or a couple. You hear them in the morning, over here. Somebody's got a chicken around. - Really? - Yeah, early in the morning. - But I don't even know what to start with a fucking chicken. - I'm not, guys, it's over. I'm not gonna raise a chickens and shit. - I don't know, I can see you doing some, a little bit, but when's the dog coming? Are you waiting for it to be a, a no anal asshole? - It's far away because the cat's got a pass first. - Okay. - I don't want that cat to pass. The cat's my best buddy in the world. I just took an apple. - Yeah. - Just one upstairs, he was waiting for me on the bed. (laughing) I scratched her, I hugged me, I put the face mask on. And we take a little nap for an hour. I don't wanna go nowhere. - No, but you don't think she would do all the dog? - No, I don't want the dog in the house when she's alive because she's on her last leg. So I want her to go out on the last leg when I'm getting chased by a fucking dog. (laughing) - Do you follow me? That's the point of this. - Right, it's not for her. - Okay. - So she, because she was in the house with nine cats. - Yeah. - They either. - So now it's flipped. So now give her the fucking respect that she deserves. I am looking to get no fucking dog guys. You know, I know, it's not like, I look at dog pictures every day. - Whatever happens happens. - It's so funny. - Even just you getting turkey, I was surprised about. - Remember, you got really mad one day. You went to that place in Encino with Steve. Forget it was the Italian place. And this guy ordered a turkey sandwich and you went off on white. (laughing) And it was a half hour order, a turkey sandwich on white. Come on guy, you go to fucking start subway. You get all the fucking turkey sandwiches in there. You, and the guy was picky about it. Like, no one dark me. What the fuck are you talking about? You dumb mother fucker? No. I didn't go, to be honest with you, I went in there not to get that sandwich. - Okay. - I went in there to see what their soup was like and to get some chocolate bread for you guys. But when I went in there, it was on the menu. But my second choice, what they have over there, that's what I'm getting next time I go 'cause I fucked up today with the turkey. - Yeah. - 'Cause they call that turkey an American something. It was great, whatever. The bread with the seeds, it was delicious, but they got a fucking Italian tuna sandwich over there. And they sell it by the container if you want it fresh. So I'll buy some of that, I like Italian. - What's that with olive oil? - Yeah, olive oil, oil. Nice, very nice, with some bread and shit. Couple tomatoes, something nice and easy. High quality tuna. - They'll really go for tuna. I haven't had any. - With some onions in that bitch. And some mayonnaise, and some salt and pepper. Knock it off. - But it does fuck up your house. Your house will stink after that same one. - So what? - A tuna sandwich? - Doesn't stink at all, the onions. When you rub in your hands. - The onion, the tuna cans? - No, you flip it over, you chop it up, you put salt and pepper on it. A little olive oil, what's this thing? - Okay. - This thing 'cause that shit you were eating, that curry and all that. - Oh, that's like the cat's curry is fucking. So that was good. - You were liking it, it's not Indian curry. - No, that's shit. If I were to like it. - So what do you eat there? - I would add chicken teriyaki and sushi. - Dude, and this is not gonna be the most popular. I like American sushi better. It was, the fish was great. I'm not complaining about it. But I don't like fish like that. I like, you banned me from sushi 'cause all I'd get was tuna and shrimp. - I know, you went to the wrong place. You should've gone to where they invented cheeseburgers. You would've been happy. - A year. - Well, fuck it, walk to a castle where they, they can't hate 18 cheeseburgers one day. (laughs) You don't give a fuck about no fresh fish or sushi. - Oh, but yeah. - You don't think so? - Think so about what? - Like you wouldn't, you would just get sushi. That's all you'd eat there the whole time. - The whole time. - It's the best sushi ever. - I have a lot of conveyor belt. - Okay, I go for the jab that makes up my hand. There's gotta be one left. - Oh, there's a bunch of them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I went to one place where all they, they just went, have you ever had like the, they give you like the Japanese skewers, like they just grow meats. And he did every piece of the chicken. It was great. It was just chicken. It was fucking, he was growing a little Japanese fan that he was planting the flames with. - Oh, yeah. (laughs) - He said, I got to live with, oh. - You went all the way to Japan, 15 hours? - Yeah. - There was a guy with a little fan. You gonna ask Barry Park, I'll find you a little fag. - That's kind of a fan. That does that shit all day long for a small five bucks. You went all the way to Gookville to watch that shit. (laughing) - It's all, it has a different aura about it in Japan. (laughing) - Oh my God. - You know, it's how you look at things. Listen man, when I was 50 and how I look at things of 63 is two different worlds. When you're 35 and you're 45, you look at things completely different. You know, look at a girl, when she's 25, she wants to marry Johnny Boombat. When she's 35, she's fucking a guy who looks like me. That's it. (laughing) - Yeah. - You know, it's like, it's so weird where you get excited for 35. Now you wake up on day of 45 and you know, I'm not interested. It's so weird and that's gonna happen and that's okay for it to happen. I've set it on stage. There's a reason why the whole world on like vanilla ice cream. - Right. - 'Cause the world would be too fucking easier. I'm happy that there's chocolate, strawberry, some people I eat vanilla. Some people can't stand chocolate. That's what makes us interested. So everybody has to have different tastes, whether I want my taste. I don't wanna eat shit because it's cool. Or you tell me. - Oh my God, let's go to that new restaurant. The 800 from Margarit. This is great. No, it's not fucking great. You just pay 100 for a fucking Margarit. You can make it all for $15,000. Where's the food? The food gets that taste like ass. It's anything other food. But you drink it and you're with your friends. It raises the ether. Then you go one day when you're sober, you eat that shit and you're like, that shit tastes like ass. (laughing) Because you were in a celebration or you were, you know, it's like when you're a civilian and you go see a comic and you go one night with just a friend of yours. And you smoke some pot and the movie you wanna see is not there. So now you go fuck it. Let me go to a comedy show. Oh my God, I fell in love with this guy named George the Hook. Okay. And also you see George the Hook is playing. You tell all your friends. You go down there and George the Hook isn't even fucking the range in him. Now, he's not even talking about that. That's the worst when you bring somebody go, "Do you love this movie?" And they sit there watching it reaction. I told you so. And you're like, "Dog, the movie sucks." (laughing) Okay, leave me the fuck alone. I'm gonna send you out of respect. 'Cause I'm high and the fucking heroine just hit me. But besides that, I need to go know, you know what I'm saying? And that's what people have to understand. I was just telling you guys, before the podcast started, I thought when I left Los Angeles, and I always tried in like California. That was completely wrong. I love California. I love the weather. I love fucking going and getting Mexican food. What I didn't like was the world I was in. So now people get me wrong, or you hate California. I don't hate California. I just hated the world I lived in. That style of person, that, you know. Everything's marvelous and we gotta go there and hug in the tree. It's not, that's never been me. That's never been me. I'm not gonna drive a BMW 'cause it's cool or niche or that's never been me. And that's what you have to be to live in that world. Somebody who accepts all that shit, loves to do what people does. But you know, they have kids just to tell people they have kids. They suck his parents. I don't wanna do that. That was never, it was never my life out there. You knew that. No, you knew that. And now when I get reminded of it, I'm like, oh my God, why did everything I ran like a fucking, like well, was a mile away. And my asshole was on fire. I wanna watch this shit with roast. You know, I don't wanna see none of that anymore. That's just, right now, today I'm just a stand-up comment. I don't care how you rate me. I don't care how you look at me. It don't matter. I'm a stand-up comment. I just wanna do stand-up. I'm not interested in, well, when we wrote the joke, this is the style we used. I don't wanna hear it. Just write the joke and shut your fucking mouth. - Is it, do you get any pleasure from like, just knocking, like just killing, and like the guy who does all that stuff with like the hat or whatever, can't follow you. - What's up? - Like an LA guy. Like, 'cause I had that happen to me in a recent show. This guy had two million followers and was talking about his Lamborghini on stage. I went up and did 12 minutes of just honestly, I didn't even do material. They loved me. This is the guy who was passing up flyers with his name on it. Has two million. Listen, that couldn't get a giggle. And I'm not even that kind of person where I get up where I like that. But yeah, when some guy's talking about, like, oh, normally I sell out the laugh factory and he comes to me, does this show that has 20 people and he can't get a giggle. I'm like, okay, I'm not, I'm at least on the right path. - Listen, Lee, you have to accept one thing. When you're a comic somewhere along the line, the wiring didn't fucking factorize. - All right, as long as you know that, it makes your life a lot easier. In a real world, we couldn't make it. Something the wiring wasn't cut, something. You know, we have to cut a step out of life. So when you commit yourself to being a comedian, there's a problem, there's a problem. Okay, there's a problem. Then the more you get into it, it molds your mind. So you see these fighters, if I become a fighter in the first 10 years, I get blasted in the head every fucking fight, what's left? What's left when I go pro? What's left? - Right. - And it's the same thing with stand up. Stand up as pressures that you don't see, you feel, and then they pop up later, you know, like being funny, being relevant, that thought. There's just so many fucking things. It's just like going to Vietnam. You're gonna come back with a little bit of that PTSD. - PTSD. - Right. - I'm sure when I left New Jersey, when I left Hawaii, I had a little PTSD. I'd seen it all. I'd been there for 23 years. It was living against my grain. I enjoyed living in Boulder, the hippies. They smoked pot and they liked the ski or whatever. Walk around in the middle. And now I was people trying to be something. Constantly. They just weren't happy with being themselves. For every day is a new adventure. They do things to go outside the ordinary. They love the Palestine situation, you know. They everything is fucking different than the whole world. They don't lift weights. They do informative lifting, you know, everything is complete. Oh my god, it's completely different. Have you met Sergio? No, I have not. Oh my god. It's all about Sergio. Sergio is great. He's life sick. And two years later, he figure out he's a rapist. And he raped his own fucking kids. He was saying like, they don't do the background check. They just fall for the hat and they go T. I see a hat and they go T. There's a problem there. This isn't normal. So I just, it's just not my world on him. Right. You know, when I left there and I took me two or three years to realize what was bothering me. And then I saw that move with Eddie Murphy and the chick from the side, though. Remember a couple of years ago, Eddie Murphy did a movie with a chick from the side, though. Not a bad movie was on Netflix. Not an academy award with it. Right. But I still remember doing something and listening to them talk and I had to stop. Like, that's what I fucking hated. All that. Oh my god, I love this shirt and all that. There's no time for that in our world. I don't know if it's like Timothy Shallame. Where's he going? Every time I see him in a knit game, I go out and I'm ashamed to be in New York. I really am ashamed to be in New York. Well, what did he do about it? That he just had old Faggot tree, that whole Faggot world. He's the type of guy you smack him. You sit him down and you got a blow drop in his wife right in front of him and watch him like, do you want to watch? I'll take you from the ATM machine. They have no heart. Look at me. He's like a fucking new cock. He was an actor. Marlon Brando, those tough guy actors. Well, look at that. Go, what the fuck happened to our profession? Yeah. Look at these non testosterone holding motherfuckers. Because that's what they are. They got zero testosterone, zero. I don't know how in that girl, she banged 10 black guys. Well, I don't see the correlation. He don't even, he's got like a three inch little dick. He's got one of those flat pigeon chests and shit. You know, what's he going to do with it? She's banging these yoms and a belt with fucking, with fucking dreadlocks and the one guy, what's his name? We are. Yeah. That is Scott. Whatever. Travis Scott. And then she shows up with Timothy Schaleman. Well, a little pencil dick, you know, his little granola fucking sandals. She was just fucking gigantic black dude with a big dick and fucking 18 maybe his mom is. And also, it's like, I've had enough. I'm going to date Timothy Schaleman. What the fuck? My daughter shows up with a dude like Timothy Schaleman. We have a long talk. We have a long talk. First of all, Merch, you can beat him up two times over. That's not a relationship. That's a bully act. That's a bully. And what does he do in that game, you know, like you just don't know, you just stay on the target with a bunch of other assholes in the star row, like making believe that big a Thanks for watching and I'll see you next time. Then three fucking black dudes from the Bronx that have been that's been their whole life They're sitting the front three-row the rest of them all of them sitting the front row they never played a game of basketball They're fucking like Ben still a give me a break. He's like Timothy Shallamay's uncle. He's a faggot in the making Yeah, come on man Give me a fucking break But you can't say these things because people go what the fuck Joey? I'm telling you the truth. I want what I see I see a bunch of people paying Well, but I if I had the money would I pay it to sit there? No No, no, I wouldn't even fade. I don't want to be on the spotlight. I'm never watch the mix Why are you showing fat Joe? People want to watch the mix But I guess that comes with it now all those celebrities It's my high five and that fucking thought I love that dude. Yeah, love them. What does he become? What is that? What the fuck is that? It's not funny and Now I gotta see Michael Irvin all the events all of a sudden now he's a cheerleader. Go up Michael stay home That's like me showing up to all those events and making a rocket some people like look at Joey. He's cool No, Joey's trying to get relevant again Yeah, he's trying to get relevant again. That's why he shows up in yells outside of Miami Duffing game You ever see when he talks to the hurricanes you got never 30 years ago Mike and you took the ecology as a snorty coke Give me a breathe. These kids are all eating apples and fucking granola I can't no more guys. I just can't I can't I can't I can't you got to sit there and watch this and accept this You're like why am I watching this shit? Why am I letting this shit go into my fucking head enough? I watch old movies now. I watch old standard. I don't want to watch this shit no more What year are you living in now? 85 That's when everything was good. Yeah, cuz this is bullshit. Oh my god. What's up beautiful people uncle Joey here? This episode of the church is sponsored by better help listen I don't know if you guys know this but may may is mental health awareness month Whatever you're going through you're not alone better. Help is a great way to find the portable mental health care on your terms with a trusted professional Couple years ago, and I moved from LA. I was struggling. I know what was bothering me. I Contacted better help. I was with them for about a year They spoke to me about different exercises for to use and here I am five years later Tip top my go better help therapists work according to strict code of conduct and a fully licensed In the United States, you got a short questionnaire, which helps match you with a therapist And you could switch on any time if you're not happy with the therapist with over 30,000 therapists Better help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. 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We got a special deal for the church family Right now when you buy two months of blue chew gold two months We're gonna give you a third one on the house Just use promo code Joey Why that's promo code Joey Joey why visit blue chew dot com For more details and important information Thanks to blue chew for sponsoring the podcast love you guys Uncle Joey here listen if you guys listen to the show you already know that I love Lucy Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches nicotine gum and their signature breakers A nicotine pouch with a powerful flavor capsule inside Lucy's nicotine strength ranges from two to 12 milligrams with flavors like apple ice Express all Berry citrus and mango me. 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Let me get a water Georgian Before I have fucking cotton out the maluchia mouth It's listen man. I read some couple months ago about turning 60 I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you read my book. I don't know if you just know me At 60 I got my money's worth out of life. I've really had my money's worth, you know And I'm very proud of that there's people that stay in that basement the whole life We all the George got his money's worth. You know, you get your money's worth. What does that mean you You get the good with the bad and you're fucking get your money's worth And the more you get your money's worth over the years you stop You see the mat like you saw behind the curtain. I know what you're doing I know what you're doing. It's like the biggest thing. I hate. I can't be the support lead. No, you didn't He shoot an Netflix pressure. You came here to see what you could get whose handshake But agent you could talk don't don't ever do that Don't do that in my world. We don't support nobody We don't support nobody. They support us We don't show off. Hi. How? Because that's what you do when you're being a jerk off Hi, oh my god. Yeah, I mean the support lead. I'm so excited from know you're not Go do a sec Go take that support and shut up your mother's ass and go do two sets instead of sitting here for two hours But you get more resultantly. Yeah So after why you just get sick of it you've already heard this story It's like when I work in the sports betting service. I love Kurt But I love how you can come up to and go Look at me repeat what I'm telling you And I will go Kurt. How did you know? He goes? I've been doing this for 30 years I know exactly what he's saying. I've had that guy any time before Not that particular guy, but he's had that guy with the same story How on this hold on to the phone I'm not you gonna put a bad in his wife's mother's pussy is I'm gonna curl up. He would make me say things to people that I would say. I don't want to say that Say it verbatim is gonna make you money And it was because he was against my grain to do it right, but he had balls in his grain Then it showed me those balls. Oh, you just say that to people You weren't you weren't saying stuff like that to people always I just imagined that you've always talked to a lot of shit That's so funny So what we're talking about is how you just You've already heard this shit You've already heard this shit how much longer can you hear it? At one point you go. I don't want to hit his shit no more I don't this is a way. I don't have that much time left in the world Right at 63 I've done come on that's 70% of your time Then rest of the time on this world. I want to choose what goes into my ears Not what I have to listen to because of you or your stupid television show I have that decision to turn this shit on. I don't know what it is That's all I ask at the state. That's all any American should ask at the state You earned that right the guy, man I heard that the story before. I got a call from AT&T telling me the same shit last week. But like, do you feel like you just do that in everyday life now? Yeah, you're boring me. Be more creative. You ever hear that Bill Hicks, Joe? He's walking down the bar and all these homeless people and asking for a quality because I don't mind giving him a quarter, but I want the most out of my quarter. Who can make this creative? You sing in dance. Can you, you know what I'm saying? Right. After a while, you just put some more effort into it. You've talked to somebody who's told every fucking bullshit story. Right. So I see a comment. I've told every story in the world. Right? Well, we got to cancel comedy shows. I regret it. My making excuses. I've done it for years. Yeah. Yeah. So after a while at one point, you go, this is a new dog with old tricks. They're just doing, you know, they're just putting a smile on and telling you this is going to be a lot better. I mean, you sit there and go, what is it all about? What the fuck? I got to go to a basketball game and sit courtside. It's like a wave of people with my watch to be cool. Now I talk being cool, we should be in cool. You smoked dope. You don't talk to cops. That's being cool. Now I got to have a tattoo and there's so much work into being cool. And at the end of it, you have to ask yourself, what is all this work for? Do I even want to hang out with these fucking maggots? No. And being what it was cool changes. So like people will change up what they like every couple of years. That's just great about being a human being. That you could change. I thought, you know what? I love eggs. I've been eating eggs. How long have I been preaching egg yolks? Decades. I haven't had an egg yolk in a month. I can't even look at it. I've been eating granola with fucking yogurt or fruit. Just one day I couldn't look at an egg yolk. Yeah, every day for every damn 60 fucking years old. So after a while, you get sick of fucking eggs. It's the same shit eggs, stupid movies. You know, it's the same shit. It's just you can't do enough for an egg for me to want one. Scramble, Benedict, the Mexican ones with salsa, that's a nice tamaleza. Yeah, early in the year too. I got a more resaturated from the Mexicans in freehold. Do you really bring them home? I got some upstairs, bro. You put some lettuce and tomato on that motherfucking little fucking little salsa with little cheese. They call tamales. You got a tamale, like a poor fucking savoury. You got a croqueta, right? I was gonna say, what is the word pepperado mean? It just means amazing. That's my favorite. Your favorite. It's with the Swiss cheese on the croqueta with the two crackers. Yes. Or you can have the croqueta solo, like Michael Jackson. Yeah, but you can do that with what are you just saying? With a tamale. With a tamale. Okay, you can eat a cheeseburger or you get a cheeseburger without avocado, a little tamale, a little bot. I see, you know, yeah, what I'm trying to say is you get a variety for a cheeseburger, you know. Okay. I just got sick eggs. I don't know what it was. I just got sick of them. Then I went over to the diner one day. Let me try them from the diner. And they were a little better, but no, no, that's what I'll talk. That's what happens. You just get bored one day. That's why I don't like them. My wife buys something. I've been eating because she buys a day too short. I told my wife, hey, I like those crackers with the peanut butter in them. Oh, yeah. There's eight cases of them up there. I haven't touched them because she went shopping three times and kept buying them not looking to see if I was eating those motherfuckers. Even with all, because it doesn't look like you've gained weight with all the like being in the house. You haven't gone crazy on snacks. Have them. I have fucking not eating dick. If I don't eat edible, it's a smoked dope. My appetite's in the fucking shitter. And you're not doing animals every day? Well, I ate all my happy duty fucking whatever ones, the avocado ones and the fucking maple syrup ones. Oh, yeah. The ones with the pieces in them. So I've been eating a couple of like the vampires at night just to get the party started. But I need two of those. I want to a thousand milligrams. Didn't one day you'll just get bored of weed. I'm already getting bored of weed. I just need it in the morning. Okay. My weed in the morning opens up the whole fucking world to me. What do you think you'll switch to after? I ruin. I ruin some boogelloo pills. I don't fucking know me. Oh my god. Fucking dabs is the next solution. Yeah. I don't know. Get a dabber and start dabbing up a fucking stone. They do make him that you don't have to let it light it on fire anymore. I got one. I got one. Yeah. Yeah. Listen. They also have BP 57. You could take him a pill for him. Ain't got to work. You got to shoot it. You could also snore a line of heroin, but you could shoot it. It's way better. Is it really? Yeah. You've never have you shot anything? Have you ever done it? You can't do needles. No. I would have an auto attack if I shot myself. That'd be the final fuck fuck. Listen, if I talk some money to shoot me with heroin. Right. That's it. I would go off because I'd eventually figure out how to shoot at my toes. You don't think your wife would do it for you? Yeah. I'm mad. My proportion. Christian wife to shoot me with fucking heroin. You don't tell her it's heroin. Just tell her. Yeah. What about when I'm nodding and drooling and burning the cigarette home that I shot. What am I going to fucking tell her that? Oh, no, I can't do it. No, I'm just teasing you guys. Right. Of course. Like I only use weed in the morning. That's crazy. The tail end of the day has to be happy. Do the atoms. But we just don't cut it. How can I like now with something? But So what have you been doing? You've been doing Twitch too during the day a little bit? A little Twitch, a little kick. Oh, you did on kick too. They're both on that. Okay. They get both on there today. I did it for a little while. I have problems. I have problems with the tweets. I don't know how to turn it on. That's why you turn it on today before you. All right. I'll try it. Yeah, because they always ask me, where's Lee? Where's Lee? Okay. He's a fucking Japan cox. I was falling asleep on Twitch years ago. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. They can't. They got you a fucking pillow. They got you. Oh, they do have a pillow with my face on it. A box of pillows. Yeah. A box of pillows. Oh, my God. And then oh, Tarrot, Tiana, they had a clip about that time on the podcast. How funny was that? I saw that. I saw that. Holy shit. He's a good ex, Tiana. Oh, my God. That was a nice dosing that night. She didn't say much. She's like, I'm not feeling it. Pujo. Me neither. Take a breather. She slept. We did the podcast, right? We did a whole lot when I have. She slept on the couch. We finished it. We walk her up a little bit. I feel better now. I think it was like the one time someone actually slept on that couch. Yeah. Very. That was so funny. Somebody was goofing along with Benjamin last week too. Oh, my God. He was happy. Joey gave me that fucking thing that turned him around. And he didn't give him that much. 125 milligrams. Well, he wanted more. Yeah, I know he did one more. He wanted more. He would have been. Where's he now? I thought I was somewhere in the deep deep. He would have been. He's not like a commune. It's crazy that you went to Japan. I'm happy that you, and it's pretty funny. The conclusion you came with, like, how does it feel to not speak English? I mean, I goof on them. I goof on everybody. And this is joking. When we talk about the fucking migrants with the backpacks. Yeah. Yeah. You see them? They looked kind of retarded and they're not retarded. They're scared. Not knowing a language. Even though I goof on them, we have a good time here on the podcast. That's scared. I remember being scared. Yeah. You know, and they just don't even look up. You ever see them make eye contact? Those little paka-liptos? Not even close. There's no confidence. I don't have confidence. I go to an Italian joint and there's a girl that brings your bread. And I could see the first two times she brought the bread out. They must have smacked her on the trip, you know, beat her up all. You know, she was all quiet, like half-retarded. I started talking to her in Spanish. And it made her day? A day is completely different than what I talked to. At least we talked for a little while in Spanish. Yeah. Everybody else, like, listen, think about being an immigrant. Because this is what the people don't ever fucking think about. It's the other side of that, okay? You know, with all this shit that was going on in this country a few months ago with the ice in this, that shit travels downhill, okay? Shit goes downhill. There's a knot in my lining, guys. You know, shit goes downhill. So when you take a thought like that, that makes people go into diners or restaurants. And when these poor fucking people that don't know the language, come up to you and give you bread or your butter, you don't even have the time to look at them. Sometimes I go to restaurants and just look at the people with the bus boys and bus girls drop bread on them water. White people don't even say thank you. Don't even make eye contact. Because in your mind, you're a little fucking better than them. But you're not because you're not talking to them. You look down on them because they cut my lawn. They do that. Whatever. But I want you to think of all those [BLANK_AUDIO] things before you open up your mouth. If you just acknowledge that person in the restaurant, you guys have all been out to dinner with me. Do I not acknowledge those people? I see them. It's very important to me that acknowledge those not just the bartender when they bring you bread to look up and go for them. Even if you go for them. You know, it's called them Primo. Primo. When they get like, you don't, that's it. That's it. Acknowledge them. But think of doing this shit eight hours a day. Nobody acknowledges you. That goes on your psyche, guys. Yeah. And even just being away from your family, like, like imagine if like, you know, you know, they're coming from wherever, Mexico, wherever they have, they don't speak the language. They don't know anybody. No one they know is near them. And they can't, you can't ask anybody. Because like, even, even he, like, if someone knows a little bit of English, you can, I don't know, I know two words in Japanese. I know, hello and goodbye. And they, they tell you how to say, uh, thank you very much. And even, even then, I honestly was responding to people in Spanish. Because they, they just say it so quickly, there's nothing I can do. So I just started saying grassiest to people. Because like, it's, and even, even knowing English is a little bit of help. Like imagine, like, if you were going to Japan, but you only spoke Spanish, I don't know what the fuck you do at all. Here's the problem that I believe in. But this time, I'll talk to the white people in Spanish and my wife will go, oh, you did that. That person will understand what you're saying. I'll go to understand what I'm saying. There's a universal language, man. And I believe in it more than a lot of other people even. But I think, listen, if I'm stuck in Japan, I'm walking down the street of Japan, right? I'm going to bump into some guy, if he's my age, I'm going to look at him and go cheap trick. Live in Budacan, right? Yeah. Because that's what brings us together. They love American music. And there was American music. So if you get into a bunk, put somebody, you're like, hey, uh, just any small, you know, anything that's popular in the states. Yeah. He just, I made, oh, yeah. And now you got something, you got something, you open them up. You got some of them. Yeah. Dude, we were talking, we had a tour guide for one day to do a little bit. He was talking about Shohei Otoni and his eyes lit up. So like that guy you thought was Shohei. I had rooties. You would have, you would have been a huge fan over there. And but the one thing, because it was the other thing that blew me away. We went to the sumo tournament, which is amazing. But that was like the only fat people you didn't see any fat people. And my tour guide told me I had a happy belly. And like every time I ate, he'd be like, you like that. I mean, he was like, he was like, he was glad. And he would point out other Shubby. He's like, they have a very happy belly. He wasn't, in his mind, he wasn't being mean. But he just kept calling it was either happy belly or happy tummy. I can't remember. But it was, like, there were no fat people. Very strange. Not accepted. No, not accepted. People say they go over to Europe and you start pointing out the Americans. They look sloppy. They're fucking, you know, they're just slapping you with fucking sandals on with their feet hanging out. I can't even be once to see that junk. No, you know, no, no. The Japs keep that shit tight, Jack. They really do. And they fucking dude, they don't stop partying. You could go out at any time and anywhere and get like really good food at like four or two in the morning, like people were getting hammered on like a Tuesday night. It was a lot of Americans on the streets. Yeah. But like a lot of everything, a lot of a lot of European, a lot, there was a lot of people from everywhere. But yeah, there were definitely Americans, but not you see prostitutes on the street. Not well, I saw like by like in Shinjuku, which is where like the the red light district was. There were like women outside. It wasn't like I've never been in Thailand, but like you see videos of Thailand and like they're bringing you in. This was just like women who like were dressed kind of like sexy and like they were outside of the places, but I don't think they were the ones doing it. But it was like and people they're dressed like it's like two thousand years ahead. Like they dress very creepy a little bit. Not creepy, but just it's very different than here. Do you ever see a kill bill? Yeah. Yeah. Just watch it a few weeks ago. And you know that Lucy Luz, like assistant like who were like the school girlfriend. Like there's a lot of like that out there. That was pretty cool. And dude, there's just so many floors. Like they don't build up, but like you'll just get to a place and you're like, Oh, this is not it's on the fifth floor. Like each floor is a different thing. They had so many, they had they and George was asking me about the seven. Everyone asked about the seven elevens. Do they like the food is good, but the sweets, they had these fucking mini pancakes with butter and surabon it. They were just in seven eleven and a little packet. That was really that was fantastic. It was it was so but yeah, the wagyu was really good. We got that a bunch, but it was it was it was a lot of fun. It was but I can't I'm excited. I doing stand-up internationally like something that I really want to do now. Australia, I think I could have a lot of fun. Canada, which I know is not even super far, but Canada, England, Ireland. I want to do all of it now. That's great, but it's fabulous. You know that is states first. Well, actually, what do you think? Because I was actually not that I'm moving or doing anything, but if I if you could go somewhere, like let's say you could go to Australia for a year and get a ton of stage time and like blow up in Australia and then like do you think that's worth it or do you think just be in America? I don't know what's worth it or what's not. I got into comedy. I had decisions I had to make early on. Hey, am I going to go dirty or clean? You're not going to be able to be online and you're not fine. Fine. Then the second part is the question you ask. This is how I always looked at it. Everything is made out of you. Yeah. When it comes to talent, if as a pleasure, I always dreamt of maybe becoming having a bass in England and flying back and forth, but that didn't work out for me, Joey. So I always thought it was everything was here. That's the way I looked at it. I have a friend who I just he was at the Netflix festival. He blew up in Australia. Okay. I haven't seen him in 25 years. He's huge in Australia. Yes. I've heard about him. What's he going to do here? I have no idea. So he had like a comedy central thing back in the day and then I knew he blew up in Australia, but you think it's hard to like put him down. No, I just you know, if I could make it there, I'll make it anywhere. You know, that's how I always looked at it. Okay. You're in fucking the United States. This is good as it gets. Yeah. Before I go parading and you know, I want to make it here for us. I'm a kick ass here. Then we'll worry about everything else. You know, that was illicit. That's me. That's not how other people think that, you know, that's me. You want to establish yourself. This is the home one spot. After this, everything else is like background music. Okay. But you know, I don't think that what's the idiots girlfriend from the from the chiefs. Yeah. Yeah. Like even her. She's Canadian, but she comes here to get the paper first. Then they go around the world of tour, right? Okay. Everything starts here. Okay. Again, some people like to travel and they go, "Joy, I got to comedy enough to be successful. I got into it for travel." Okay. And go ahead with it. No, I definitely want to be successful. And that's but just the idea that eventually I could, you know, you could go and do an Australian tour. You can go and like just thinking about Tom Roach. He had like 20 years and no. Not like one. Yeah. She just did Europe. She goes over there. She loves going over to like I said, I ain't got nothing. I said anybody has their own path. I just want to fucking be king here. And that'll make me king somewhere a lot easier than me trying to be a colonel in six different places. I mean smart. Yeah. That's how I look at it. That's old school. I don't know what the fuck it is. So it's just so hard to find like your audience and find people who want to come see you. So I was before you confuse people one there already are. Right. Yeah. One there already are. I don't like confusing these people at all because I can't. They get easily confused, you know. So you know, last thing I need is to look up Lisa at and buy tickets online for Manchester and it's Manchester England. I think it's Manchester. New Hampshire. Yeah. So you know, that's just me. And I'm an old dude. I don't know what I'm talking about. But no, you definitely know what you're talking about. It's a are you I know you said that you're excited about doing some standup. Like do you have you thought at all about like because then we have bigger shows coming up later in the summer. You have Atlantic City. Like our Are you thinking at, are you like all, are you more refreshed after some time offering not even there yet? You're still recovering. - You know how the pandemic, no one the pandemic hit. It made you change a little bit. Mm-hmm. As soon as I got this surgery, like 10 days later, I just went into a fucking, you know, I'm writing a lot in the mornings at night. And it's just weird how I started looking at it. Like, I don't know what I want to do. But I really, I liked what I was doing before. Mm-hmm. I really liked the one big show, and then find little shows, Brooklyn, whatever, good or Austin. I kind of liked that. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet next year. I don't know, I got a nice schedule that they shot at me with different places to start picking, you know. But I think I'm gonna keep it the same. About the same. - Yeah. Well, there's no reason to add, but even just-- - I want to do a few different things this year. - Okay. That's why I wanted to add the Twitch and the brands, just something different. - Right. - Just something different. I don't care what happens. It's just me getting high and fucking around and, you know, I love that shit. Some completely different. Because this is winding down for me. You know, it's winding down of what I could do and what I want to do. So I got to find different avenues before I get bored. So I know the last, I mean, from maybe December, I'll keep the schedule ahead till December and then next year, I'll figure something else out and we'll work with it. - That's it. - You think it's winding down? It is for me. That's it. You know, like I said, I probably don't stand up this week, but I don't go out because it's dark. And you gotta walk around and see where you're going and you're my poor. And, you know, I'm just looking at different options. I'm getting old, I don't want to fucking fuck up out there or whatever, but I'm playing by you. I'm having a great time. Yeah, let's get something straight. This is exactly how I want it in my life. I could not live it when I was 25. But this what I'm doing right now, I love what I'm doing right now. I love the one podcast week I'm going to do anymore. I haven't been a guest on the podcast and I don't know how long. - Yeah, I'm like companion and before that. So I'll have to go back on the Foley's podcast. - Oh yeah, Gary Garbage. - There's a guy down here that's got a podcast. We won that deal, the Garbage Man. The deal put on. - Oh cool, okay. - And there's a couple blocks from it. Somebody do his and then I'll play it by hand, man. - That's cool, I'm excited. - You know, June and July I have every weekend with my daughter. She plays every Saturday and Sunday. - Wow. - And June and July, every Saturday and Sunday, with the final week being in Ocean City, Maryland. So that's my June and July right there. - Okay. - I'm taking it easy now. Maybe I'll go to the dojo next week. - Okay. - I mean, it sucks that it's the world day weekend. I like to maybe do Saturday early. I ain't got 45 minutes. - You say that every time you do a show, you have no idea what you're gonna say. You could do 45 minutes. They could wake you up from a nap and you could do 40 minutes. - I mean, I got 20 minutes of new ideas. - Right. - I ain't got a fucking burn over. So I got to burn them over eventually. - Yeah. - You know, I go dojo or the stress factor wherever I go. I might go to the RBR Lounge tomorrow night at 930 in South End Boy. - I have an open mic. - I got an open mic tomorrow night. - Nice. - You know, I just want to. - I mean, no rush. I'm not trying to keep it with the Joneses. My daughter's getting a little older, you know? And my wife's leaving tomorrow. Where's she going? - A week to tell her to see by herself. She's leaving me and Merce. I got Merce to the rest of the week. - Yeah. Friday, she's got a party. You got to take it, sir? - Oh wow. - Sad that they pick it up to take it for the Renaissance Festival and then my wife comes back Sunday night. I'm done with the rest of the week. - I'll be here. - You're going to the Renaissance fair? - No. She's going with a bunch of girlfriends. - You know, you're not gonna go and dress up. - I'm a little turkey lady. - I don't know, that shit. It'll archery. - No. - No. - Is this the first time you've been alone with Merce here for that long? - Yeah, this will be the first time. - That's crazy. - I'm excited. - Yeah, I was gonna say, are you excited? - Fuck yeah, I don't have to do shit. (laughs) - Shit. - No. - No. - Mom makes the pancakes. We nuke them in the mornings. She puts whatever. We'll make some breakfast bacon. Go to school. I have to turn the map to school. Mom's gonna make chicken collage. Like a couple other dishes. Like, I'll take her out to dinner, man. This will be easy for me. - Nice. - Is she looking forward to it? Just having you do at the house, yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah. - When the mother, the mother got a little upset 'cause she was gonna go on a. Trying to see Merce, she just said, who's gonna cook? (laughs) - That's it. - That's it. - Oh. - No, I'm not gonna miss you now that I'm just gonna, who's gonna make dinner? - Cookin'. (laughs) - She's not gonna have you try to cook? - Nah, we'll make some milkshakes and send me and I'll make good Carvelle milkshakes at night and show like that. Nice. - But I don't know, you know, it's like, "Listen, man, I worked hard with you guys "that earned this time all. "This was earned. "How to break my balls?" You know, and I didn't give a fuck. I have fun doing sand them. We'll agree. If I got to go out to LA and talk to those people, oh my God, when I broke this joke, oh my, I don't wanna hear that shit now. I don't wanna hear that shit at all anymore. I've had it. I've had it with all that. - You don't wanna talk about your artistic vision? - No. - And I don't wanna, even, I got no audition the other day. I call the agent right away and I ain't gonna go now. (laughs) Why, man? 'Cause I don't wanna book something and quit on the job. - And you can just tell from the script that you might quit on the job. (laughs) - That's not like somebody I wanna work with. I show up and it's like a fucked up day. And like my shoes don't fit as something. (laughs) It's gonna be one of those days. Listen, I'll be right back and then I'll go to the car. - Damn. - Joey, where are you? - Oh my God, that's amazing. - I remember, I told you about this. No way, I don't know the whole story. 'Cause the movie that I audition for in my co-key is Coke out. And I would audition for these movies to see what I could get out of them. And if they didn't give me enough days, I'd tell 'em the fuck off. And then they'd call me back and go, "Come on, man, what happened? "What happened? "You know, I have problems. "I got religious, whatever." So audition for this movie. Years earlier. And I did good in the audition. Like I'm home, the agent called me. I'm gonna listen, they're gonna call you for a callback. But then they did one of those machaga movies. They called me and they go, "You got a callback, "but we're gonna put the movie on ice for a while "because we don't have the financing." We're trying to get $80 million to finance this movie. We got such and such and such and such and such and such. And they did, they really had all these names. They couldn't afford them. So I gotta call like a year and a half with 'em. Hey, Joey, how you doing? This is such a subduing. Remember, yeah. Nice guy. It was a combo casting director. And like that movie came back up. It was called "Peats and Bullets." Like we want to do it. And well, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it. I'm like, all by the way, it's not scale no more. It's like a hundred hours a day. So right away, you gotta strike again. Right away, I got it out because I could say, "Listen, I booked it. "It was scale, now you're trying to get me "fiving all sheep, I can't do that." So I go, "All right, yeah, I don't know. "Who was in the movie and I don't like this?" So I go, "When does this start shooting?" They go, "May 18th through May 29th." Okay, well, these motherfuckers call me like on the 15th. And they're like, "Hey, man, we need for you "for one shot." Right, wait a second. You're not even shooting 'til the 18, nah, nah. Those are your shoot days, but we need you for a shot. If you can make it over here, we'll pay you for the day. I'm like, "You know what I ain't doing, nothing." I go, "How long am I gonna be there for?" They go, "Maybe like an hour." I go, "All right." So I drive down there, I do the scene. It's hard. It's hard. It's like we're robbing a truck, but the truck was broken. I mean, it was just not good. And as I'm leaving, the cast director pulls me aside. He goes, "Thank you for coming. "You saved the day." By the way, he goes, "We hired a couple of your friends "for this movie. "My friends, right now I'm a little friend." Nah. I'm like, "What friends?" And he told me the two dudes that he named for this movie, and I'm like, "I'll never forget getting the car "and going, I ain't doing that movie." (laughs) Just because those two idiots are in the movie, there's no way. Am I doing this movie? Yeah, just movies always been on ice, and now with these two idiots, we're not going anywhere, for sure. I doubt I'm gonna do this movie. And the next day, it was at a beef 20 years ago, and it was a part in LA where everybody was in a goal, computer, like digital, digital, digital. I think that's the word. What that means was people were starting to make ads for the internet already. That was the brave one. beginning for it. I happen to book a whole series of Mountain Dew. Oh shit. Mountain Dew. I went to read as like one of the bears. I was a bear and they're like, "We want you back, Joey. It's 14 days. It's 800 a day." Well, I am. Fuck 800 and 100. That's a long way apart. So they called me and they're like, "Can you start the job?" And I'm like, "What?" They go on the 18th and they go, "That's funny." Because I got another job with these Italians with pizza and bullets. They're done. And they go, "All right. We'll sign you up for the moon. We'll call you agent." They call me back. They go, "Your role's not going to shoot to a 25th, 26th." You know, it was like nine days. I go, no worries. And they go, "You got the rest of the week off. You don't have to come on. It's 21st." Why go to sleep that night? I go out and get fucked and coped up. I go to sleep. And I'm here in banging on the walls and the doors. And I wake up and I'm like, "What the fuck? I'm so dumb." I have to don't like, "Who's this? This is Burton, somebody else with their producers from pizza and bullets." You were supposed to be on set three hours ago. Where are you? Get dressed. We need you. And I'm like, "How you doing this today? Not today? I'm tired." And they're banging on the door. They have another producer calling me up. My agent's calling me. I'm not fucking on the line. And I'm not doing it. I'm not tired. I'm not in the mood. I'm doing the thing for fucking Mountain Dew. I'm not doing this shit. And I go back to bed and the guy keeps knocking on my door. And I fucking run up, open the door. I just punch him in the neck. Right. Oh my god. Who is the end of my cocaine run? I just slammed him right in the neck. And I knew because it was not good because he only had four feet to go back. And if he went that way, he was going to go down four flights to stay. Was it the North Hollywood Department? There's this stuff. The Hollywood Department will be white. She was at work. She never heard this shit. So I punched the guy and he got up and then the other producer jumped on me and I punched him. And I kicked that guy. I kicked him. That was the classic. I even made like a Bruce Lee noise and I kicked him and shit. And I go, you guys get the fuck out of you. And I won't call the cops now. You assault. I go, you've been knocking on my fucking door for an hour. That's not assault based. And they left. I never heard him again. Then the cast director, you never ever worked for me ever again in my dog. You haven't cast a movie in 20 years. I just hung up on him and shit. Can you imagine being that producer? It wasn't like their first job in Hollywood. It was 2007, 2006 pizza and bullets. And I was, I know then the doing the movie. The chick from the Godfather. They recast you with a woman? No, we cast everything. It wasn't just me who quit that movie. I was like eight other people. Did they keep that one scene you shot in the movie? I'm not sure. That'd be so funny. They saw the movie and you were in the movie. I just went over that one day and helped them out. Oh my god. Remember the guy who played the heroin junkie with Chris Maltesanti the last season? Chris will get the heroin from him and they shoot the car. They tell him you're going to come to my house. The guy's a great actor. I got a call to do one of his projects one day and they shot right on that neighborhood where the pizza parlor was in Hollywood. There's a complete different name. Beaumont. Beaul. Whatever that is. That street. Beaul. Whatever. Okay. At the end of that used to be a nightclub. Well, it shit used to go down that nightclub. I don't ever forget one day I got a call and they're like, that kid wants to hire you because that kid's a really good looking kid. He just downed it for the sopranos. He wore a hat. He hangs out like a jerk and jerk joint where you pull your dick or whatever. The fucking things I used to do a dog. $100 a day is pretty crazy. It's crazy and I know it's sad but I don't have to take it and for a long time they were pushing those movies. I am part of the worst union of all time. The worst. It's really that bad. The worst. I got a lot of play from retirement. I don't even want your checks to get the bounce. I don't even trust those people. That's the worst union I've ever been represented by in my life. So he's a boy. I never got a residual from him. Last time I'm looking at the thing I want to put on. I actually told my wife, do me a favor. Write this movie down. She goes, why? Because they haven't paid me. That's on every other fucking night. I look at all those checks that come in on residual. I look at it every Sunday night. They haven't been paid for that movie in eight fucking years. What has my union done? Nothing. You have to call them and then they have to take them to court and that's eight years. That's crazy. But what are you gonna fucking do? We're here with queer mother fucker. You're back with your pan. What type of work you got lined up? This weekend I'm in Charlotte with Josh Wolf at the Comedy Zone Friday and Saturday. Very, very happy. And next week you're at next week I'm at the Liberty Live in Niaque with Jasmine Bruce. Next Thursday Friday Saturday. Friday Saturday. Friday Saturday. That's a good little club up there. Yeah, I'm excited about that. And me, I'm still off. I got babysitting to do this week. So you not see me anywhere. I'll be doing some GTAs all week. Finally, we got, I got my friend Carly hooking it up down and asking them. We got Fanny. We got Pedro up there. I don't know what a fuck Pedro is. I didn't call him. I talked to him this morning, but that's all that's all I got. I got no comedy work right now until August 7th and eighth. And I'm sure I'll pop some shit between them, you know, but I'm just going to relax. Get my knee as strong as I can. Look at this baby. It's looking good. You can't see it. But it's looking like a fucking coconut. That's stitches. It looks like fucking. It looks like Nate Diaz's head put all the stitches in shit. Oh, that was at disaster, too. Yeah, you just showed it to me. That's I hadn't seen any of that. What bastard? Junior Dorsanto's fight. Brought out was 35. I know I didn't want to get hit. No more. You get hit when you're 40. Oh, that hurts. That's kind of fucking hurt to get parts like that. But Yeah, but for a million dollars or however much they made. I might I'll let you rate me for a million. I love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black and we'll be right back next week from the studio. Hopefully by that time I go, take that fucking long step and we'll break my neck. I love you guys. Have a great week.