Joey Diaz did donuts in a hearse!

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with the Jewish Kato, Lee Syatt, for another fun-filled episode of The Church of What's Happening Now, New Testament. It's Tuesday, the 16th of December. That's it. You got one more Monday left before Christmas. We've been counting them down. Some people like to jump up and down on New Year's. That don't mean dick, okay? Countdown Christmas, it's even more painful. It's like how they got Jesus. They stabbed him in the stomach, then they stabbed him in the hand. It's less subtle. But anyway, the Christmas season is finally here. Yeah, but January 1st, you're going to say 51 weeks left until Christmas. I said 51 more Mondays left until Christmas, Jack. Then we start all over again. It never ends. But it's a beautiful day to be alive here. I mean, what's going on here today? Nothing. Not a thing? Not a thing. Dude, I've been busy. I know. You've been busy. You've been flying, getting stuck on planes, sitting in coach in the middle. Can we have a timer? I think it took like 46 seconds into this podcast and it got brought. Dude, the problem I have with you is you yell at me now before you even call me. Because as soon as something, as soon as anything happens, I'm like, all right, Joey's going to say that. And you say, I got to be honest. I could, fuck AI. I could write a script as Joey Diaz. And first of all, I was not in the middle. But yeah, I took a week off. One o'clock flight. And that's. Hold on, hold on, hold on. We got a sponsor up tight real quick. This is going to be a deep conversation. So we're going to be right back. We'll be back in two minutes. Happy holidays. Uncle Joey here. Listen, fellas, it's time to level up your big, big game. Blue Chew just dropped Blue Chew Gold. Listen, Blue Chew Gold is a four in one tablet with a mix of key ingredients. Increase blood flow. Arousal. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works in as little as 15 minutes. You don't have to wait there like a fucking mook. You know, listen, this stuff is tremendous. It said 15 minutes. All you got to do is think of what that monkey looks like. And that fucking soldier will be pop up. I'll be an attention. That helmet will be nice and pink. Just how they like it. You know what I'm saying? Medium rare. Yeah. Get your confidence back in a single tablet. Make. Life easier by getting harder. Discover your options at BlueChew.com. It's December. You understand me? New Year's is coming. Christmas is coming. Everybody wants a Christmas present. You're going to give them the best Christmas present they ever got. Dick for 12 days straight with Blue Chew Gold. Listen, we got a special deal for church family. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code Joey. Listen, for years, we've been giving you a little Blue Chew every month. Listen, we got a new formula, and you got to jump on it, all right? Again, that's promo code Joey. BlueChew.com for more details, important safety information. And I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast. And I also want to thank you for putting together Blue Chew Gold. Because a lot of men are going to dig this, and they're going to love the way you sling that fucking hammer. You're not even going to believe it's you. You're going to keep pumping, pumping. Nothing's coming out. What the fuck? It's Blue Chew Gold. Merry Christmas. Kick this motherfucking mule, Lee. We're back, Jack. All right. So what happened? What happened? What happened? I took a 1 o'clock flight. It was honestly the best delay I've ever had because they did it before I got to the airport. I took a 1 p.m. flight, which I know. I know that you are a big fan of the 6 a.m. flights. And you're right. They don't. They barely ever get delayed or canceled. You are correct. But. You would have been home at 1 o'clock. I would have been home at 3 o'clock. I did. I looked at it. Fuck. But, dude, I don't want to wake up at 5 in the morning after I get back at 1 in the morning. You're already tired. That's why Saturday, instead of all jumping up and down, you take that nap. I did. That's all I did all week. I took naps. I went to the beach. I got splashed by the ocean. I look like a fucking asshole. Oh, that's a norm any day now. But, dude, yeah, I took a 1 o'clock flight at like 11 in the morning. They're like, hey, this has barely even left. Yes, sir. Let me ask you something. Uh-huh. I'm telling you this as a 63-year-old man. You ain't got time to waste in this life. Look, I'm telling you this. I feel you. I wasted 30 fucking years. If I would have had those 30 years, forget about it. But then again, you know, who the fuck knows? What happened if Adam wouldn't have bit the apple? A lot of shit, right? Right? I mean. I mean. I mean. Who the fuck knows, okay? You know, listen, man, nothing, there's a system, and that system always works, and you never deviate. You stick to that system because it's a proven fucking mule. It's a mule. You know, there's not many locks in life, but in today's airline system, I know that at 6 a.m., it's going to be a motherfucker to cancel it. Or at least I'm going to be in the air in the winter by 7 a.m. I'm sure that that flight at 6 got delayed. I know for a fact, because when you wake up with snow, everybody panics. It might have, but, and like I said, you're right. I just didn't feel like doing it, and I did get lucky, though, because when we landed at JFK, there were people who were waiting for over two hours for their bags. A lot of people got fucked. I just got lucky that I didn't get fucked. This is the time of the year, man, when I'll add all. All these plans and all this shit. I was going to take George to Austin for his birthday. By the way, happy birthday to my brother, George Koloditsky. George. He's 60-something years old, but it's just, I'm not in the mood for an airport again, and I'm not in the mood for that fucking Austin airport. Like, next time I go to Austin, I'm taking a fucking helicopter. I'm doing something different because I can't. That was brutal. That's brutal anymore. No, I don't blame you. It's just not, it doesn't work for me no more, and I'm very, you know, some people will never, well, some people hide it, and they go, that just doesn't work for me no more. My knee cannot handle all that walking. My lung can't handle landing, and then walking, and then it's just, and then you got to walk through the Uber another mile. Yeah. It's rough, guys. It's fucking rough, okay? That's not part of my fucking itinerary, is walking 82 miles. I could have just walked from here. I could have just gotten the fuck in here on the, right? Doesn't the, what were they talking about? What's the road that goes? The road that goes through Union. I didn't know this. There's a dangerous road that goes through 1, 2, whatever, the 22. The 22 takes you all the way to fucking past Nashville. I didn't know that. I didn't. But anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. My point is that. That pre-show joint kicked in. You know, it's just. Oh, I totally get it. And I understand you're playing barefoot in the park. You get married, you're on the beach. No, I fuck. Taking pictures for the wedding. No one took pictures. You know. Although I did see there were two couples doing that on the beach. No, I planned this a while ago because I wanted to maintain. So I'm not in the middle of the back end Delta. I needed one more flight for the year. So it worked out, but it was, I can, I, I trust me, dude. I haven't been, I've been doing this conservative, like a third of the time we've done it. I'm sure in 20 years, I'll, I'll be like, fuck flights and all that. But yeah, it was, I will say it was great to go back to Cal. I did, I did miss California and especially San Diego and I go up north though. I did. Oh, you did. I didn't dude. And this is, I knew you would hate this, but you might respect it. So I did two spots Thursday night. I did a guest set with Sam talent who was great hysteria loves you. He's started in Denver too. And then I did a spot at mad house and I just didn't feel like going home and I was hoping that our buddy Eric was going to be at the store. So I just looked at, at, uh, Anisha and I was just like, you want to go to yum yum donuts in LA? So we just ate. There was no traffic. It took two hours. Eric was, was with, uh, was with, uh, a lovely gentleman of the, uh, of the night. So I didn't get to see Eric, but we drove straight to the valley. Yum. Yum. Donuts. You're going to ours, right? Right by your house. No, no, we didn't. I did drive through. I drove by the store, but no, I went, I wanted to show her Chuck a lot. So in the, oh, they were fresh. Two in the morning. Oh, they're fresh. They were fresh. They were so I almost got a chocolate one with peanut, but I was, well, that's not a, that's the shit I was born to do. I get off the stage and go, Lee, you don't, first of all, one, a different time. Right. You go to your room at 11. You're just going to sit there till three. Oh yeah. Right. It's 12 o'clock here. That's what the average time you go to bed. Something like that. Right. So, oh my God, to get an Uber and smoke dope in the Uber and take an edible and get the yum yum donuts. And then tell him to stop at the other place to get the blueberry one. Oh, I almost, uh, I wasn't trying to be good. I thought about going to the fucking crazy is that I live in the metropolitan New York area and I don't even think of fucking donuts cause they're fucking disgusting. Oh, they're gross. They're always dry. You got Dunkin donuts made in a fucking factory behind an Amazon, you know, an Amazon with some guy, a boo delivering it. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. And you know what? The coffee's not bad. understand whatever but dog how can how can both of us two mid-sized chubby dudes miss the donuts in california how the fuck is that possible because koreans know how to make koreans and mexicans the koreans are pretty good but that yum yum donuts hasn't changed they push it over the top the glaze with the chocolate on top yeah you want to stab yourself when you eat one that's how fucking good that chocolate is they have ones that you haven't even seen before one of my favorite there's like a cinnamon crunch oh i had like just cinnamon and i don't even know what what it is on top but i didn't we literally we drove there i got two donuts and i just ate them and i drove to the store it was dead there was nobody at the store like 2 30 hollywood was dead yeah tuesday night thursday night thursday i thought there'd be somebody hollywood is dead after all that shit i mean everywhere is dead after two o'clock yeah everywhere my buddy works in the city and he works downtown by the courthouse and he tells me he goes i look out and it's not what it used to be it's a bunch of homeless people but it's not i didn't even see that many of them walking around no you didn't see a lot of homeless no there were a lot of a lot of rvs i did miss that but no it was there just wasn't much of anybody but it was san diego was a blast i love i got san diego is my city in california if i was ever going to move back san diego is the the top it's like philadelphia to be honest philadelphia to new york is san diego to la for me it's it's just a smaller version oh i did and i thought god i fucking just have you in my brain i did bring my passport to be like maybe we'll go to tijuana and then just not even not even i was like nope i don't need to get fucking kidnapped if you wouldn't even come and get me if i'm not going to mexico we'll send nick the politician down there see how that works out oh my god you know nick's playing a trumpet in mexico what would you do if the if the if i used my one phone call and i had the guy with the cartel kidnap me and i called you let me talk to them maybe i could talk some sense into them but lee you got yourself in a bad predicament i told you not to go to fuck and not to get those airbnbs but you decided to go you know what i mean oh my god it's it's a scary fucking world out there i mean this morning we all got up and on a fucking monday morning i get up i have my coffee i feed the cat i didn't even notice because i won't go on a fucking computer but as i was going upstairs about eight i go let me see what the fuck is on instagram and also the first thing i see is he's dead okay it said rest in peace right him alone so i didn't know what was going on i go fuck meathead's dead and the next thing you know my wife goes did you see about rob brian i go yeah he died it's a shame yeah he goes the son killed him and his wife and i go what the fuck are you talking about and that's when she started telling me i'm like that's wild and i went to the gym to do like a leg warm-up like to stretch before i worked out with the dude and cnn was on and fuck they always have sports on and that's bad enough like those sports shows in the morning therefore like for two days new jersey 12 and new jersey and eyewitness news told you about the storm that was coming all day on friday and saturday they talked to you about a fucking storm it's on the way there he is with hudson boris and you're sitting there going what the fuck am i watching here that you had every 15 minutes they come snow was coming snow was coming and then you get my wife who's also a fucking retard and she's like no the snow starts at 10 okay everybody's a fucking psychic now that's the best when they tell you snow's gonna start about late eight o'clock and you're sitting when when you hear that on principle you're sitting by the window you're just so pissed off you're like this motherfucker so the dude said seven my wife said ten i go both of you is a fucking wrong i get in the car at a quarter to seven i hit the 18 headed to new brunswick and it's snowing but it's raining it's like puerto rican it's snowing but it's raining and then i'm trying to park the car and there's no snow when i get into the heart of new brunswick there's no snow i'm driving around looking for a part i go fuck this i get back on the 18 it's like a fucking blizzard at what time for like three months and all of a sudden that was it that was it when i got close to my home that was it and then i think i looked out the window about 11 maybe 11 30 and there was nothing and dog i got up to pee at four in the morning and all hell had broken loose out there oh yeah okay and then i got back up like 6 30 and i went right out there and shoveled you shoveled me mercy and terry fuck yeah i had the shovel mercy had terry had the shovel and i had the shovel and i had the shovel and i had the electric fucking snowblower and mercy had the fucking stairs with the sweeper and shit because we just wanted to get over with man and people die like if you're not in shape and you go out there you're fucking are you doing it because what am i you have enough money to have a messing guy what am i gonna do sit there and watch my wife do it we don't know have no have pay someone to have come over you have a driveway that's eight feet long just have it takes them three seconds with a truck problem with american is everybody depends no the problem is everybody depends on the mexican and look what happened now they're taking them they need jobs now we're gonna get back to work and then i'm gonna be lazy from sitting in my house all these years and then when they take all the mexicans that want to shovel snow i'm back out there when i'm 72 when i'm getting no social security yeah why fucking it doesn't matter what you have and what you don't have jesus christ 10 minutes and it's a family thing i did it as a family thing my wife was gonna go out and i go terry you can't go out there by yourself so i went out started the cars cleaned off the cars she got the fucking electrical thing going and then wherever she wasn't hitting i was hitting with the fucking shovel i cleaned off the stead then mercy came and brushed it off it was 30 minutes of our time i didn't have a heart attack all right and it's a family thing we took a picture at the end my three fucking friends i didn't post it up on instagram because it's a family fucking thing and it was beautiful and now that's a nice that's a nice story now i feel like the asshole no because you're trying to build something what's a family for it for me to fuck dog look at these people look at the people we knew i mean and you're not going to think about these people right now but in time i want you to think about this and call me tomorrow look at the people we knew six years ago and now they're completely different people yeah they've forgotten who they are they've forgotten who they are so all of a sudden i'm gonna hire three mexicans and i'm gonna wait for them to come to my house while it's snowing out or whatever the fuck it is you know i don't fucking know well i i see i do i see what you're saying although if it were me like i'm surprised you you and terry just didn't sit on the uh the rocking chairs and have mercy do the whole driveway by yourself it takes two fucking years you don't know how to shovel fucking snow but you don't know how to shovel you know she doesn't fucking know how to shovel snow correctly and efficiently i did it for a living while i fucking cased houses i did it professionally for joe coffee but you were you took it 1983 no they teach you how to shovel correctly and it's in patches and you know when to go and i had no gloves why it's like they're upstairs like oh i gotta take these boots off go up three flights and then put them back on it took me an hour just to put the fucking snow boot on took me an hour just to find them they were behind the fucking luggage hidden back there oh my god they had dust on them and shit i had to blow off the snow boots and any weed in them not there was nothing but you know i got high and i helped the shovel and it was fucking great that's nice fucking tremendous you know an hour later we were i went about then the town got hit by a fucking break but my my point was that when did it snow saturday night saturday night it's monday at four o'clock i'm leaving the house i put on channel 12 to see what's going on what's going on we're here we're shoveling snow and it shows these people out there it's fucking monday at four oh okay and they're still talking about what happened two days ago yeah they got eight inches most of the surrounding town my war they got four inches i don't know what happened here oh i've lived here for 80 years and we haven't been here for 80 years i haven't seen this much go inside have you ever seen i love there was a like a storm somewhere go inside the reporter was in a canoe or something yeah like doing a report and then people just walked by they like they were pretending they had to be in a canoe and then two guys just they love creating drama dog out the fucking air they even we're out here and they got the hood on shit it's coming no it's not you should call your boss tell him i'm not going out of the house till it starts snowing give me two or three inches but don't make me go out Man, could you imagine going out in like an actual blizzard, like it's snowing a foot? That's what they pay you for. That's your fucking job. Listen, the most dangerous fucking place when it snows is right over here. Where? Right over here in this fucking park called Hudson County Park. When that motherfucker snows, I have done whirling, I have done spinning things in that park. Whatever you call that with a fucking car. Oh, donuts. Donuts in that fucking park. Right before you hit Bergenland by White Castle. Right. It started like 100 yards away. I was with my buddy, the politician, and he stepped on it and the car just started spinning with a body in the back. And the body's banging the sides. Wait, you did donuts in a hearse? On purpose or by accident? Dog, in those days, it was a sheet. There was a sheet of ice underneath. Oh, okay. I thought you were. You can have the best department of public works and you still have to midnight? That's a jungle out there. You're just asking for trouble, dog. You're just asking for trouble out there. That is scary when that happens. You go down that Edgewater Road behind the fucking grinder, that's a problem when it snows. That's a problem. All that shit is a fucking problem. That wind comes off that Hudson, my friend. It freezes everything. Dog, I'll put. Listen, all you got to do is grab the motherfucker and knock him out. Put some snow on him and put him on a park bench by Hudson County. They won't see nothing in the morning. He'll be like that dude in Fargo. They'll just leave him out there with all the snow on him and shit like that. That's what happened to that cop in Massachusetts a couple years ago. Dog, it's not. You don't want to fuck around up here. That sucks. Don't want to fuck around up here. That wind comes off that fucking Hudson, Jack. And you get on that fucking thing walking your little dog, that's how they'll find you. You and the dog, frozen, with little white stuff on his face. I know you like being here in Jersey. Do you miss California a little bit when that happens? No, I was ready for this. Okay. I was in Boulder. I was with my ex-wife. We were somewhere. A woman was talking. And I never heard this before until I moved back here. I didn't know. I didn't hear this. I didn't feel this way. And this woman was talking. Nice lady, pretty. And she was saying that she had boyfriends. But for years, she didn't want to have sex. She goes, I was a virgin until I was 27. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, this girl gave a lot of blowjobs. But she. You know, she was. She was talking. Yeah, because you're 27. They even have men talking to you? Because it's like damaged goods. Anybody fuck this broad? No. Okay. You know, why are we talking? Why are we talking? But. And she said something that made a lot of sense, not when I was a fucking idiot. But she said that, and sincerely, not like a fucking idiot freak or whore. She goes, I was 27, and I wanted to hold out until I was 30 and get married. And I go, what happened? And she goes, my body asked for it. And she goes, I dated the guy. I dated him for a month, slept with him twice, and we broke up, and I didn't care. I didn't feel bad about it because my body needed that. That's the same way I feel when I talk about moving back here. It was time. Like, I had been away from my. Are you saying that she needed dick and you needed New Jersey? No, she said she didn't need dick. She didn't put it that way. That was the beauty of the conversation. She wasn't nasty about it. Okay. She said her body. Her body started yearning for it. And her body made it happen organically. It wasn't that, you know. And it was. Now that I get here, it's so weird because I thought I was going to do so many things when I got here. And I ended up not doing anything. I remember telling you various times, Lee, in two weeks, I'll be eating pizza like a motherfucker. That's not the case. I thought I'd be at Rudy's every other night, jumping up and down. That's not the case. Right. I thought I was going to come here and just fucking take over New Jersey as a comic. Didn't have it in me. Just didn't have. All these plans I had on that plane were like. Once I got here, I saw what time it was. And I'm like, oh, shit. I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain. Right. It happens. I only came here once a year for the last 30 years. In 30 years, I was here seven. 27 years. I would only come once a year. Every year, if that. Right. I didn't really know what was going on. And for like two, three days. It's like that guy that goes to prison and comes out of prison. And all of a sudden, he's like, what's a cell phone? Right. Exactly. You know, exactly. So I came back here. Listen, man. Every Monday, I come up here. Now, again, every Monday, I can have my doubts. I have my doubts about a lot of things. I don't know if I want to do it. And I'm sure the first four times I had to come up here on a Monday, I had doubts. Like, why? Am I going up there? Fuck that shit. I could do it from here. My body needs this on Mondays. Can't do it twice a week. Right. Cannot do it twice a week. Because then, but if I do it once a week and I enjoy the drive, I enjoy the traffic, I enjoy the radio, I enjoy the scenery. Even though I'm looking at, you know, I'm looking at Pat LaFrieda, meat, and all this shit on Tunley Avenue. My body needs that. Got it. My mind needs that. It's a way of. It's a way of healing or whatever the fuck. I don't even know. Right. If I should be saying those words. No, I know what you're saying because I feel I'm a lot happier in New York than I was in L.A. I feel like the city fits me better personally, but I will say being better. When I was there, and this is the first time I've been back. I was back for a couple of days, like three or four years ago. But this is really the first time I was back. I did miss it. Like I missed. I saw a couple of people. I saw just being back at the comedy store in La Jolla was great. Just in California as a whole. I can. People should talk shit about California and political. I don't. I'm not political at all, but just as a place to be the people, the Mexican food. I had a great. I had a great time. It is a. There's a lot of fucked up shit that happens there. And then you got to put up with like there's no. If I flush my toilet in my house, you can hear it. You can hear it all around because they've stuff like four houses on one lot. Like you're packed in like sardines anywhere in LA, like it just how close your house is to one another and Airbnb a few blocks from the store. Um, but even, uh, the gay gas is like four 55 bucks a gallon. It's, there's a lot of shitty stuff, but I missed California. Listen, man, I miss California for what it was. Uh, you're not seeing it how I see it. Like if I went to California, like we discussed me doing the Netflix festival and then we said, why do the Netflix festival and we could do it on our own, you know? And I got to be honest with you. It's like I told my wife, I go, we're going to take this little trip in a few weeks. And then the next thing I want to do, this is pretty interesting. I go, I want to go to Boulder and I want to go to Aspen. And I started. I'm thinking about it. And because I said it in my office, it keeps popping up on Facebook, discover Boulder, Boulder at Christmas, you know? And I looked at her the other day and I go, you know what? I think we're going to put a damper on Boulder. And she goes, why go? I want to go to, but listen, I would kick ass if I did the Boulder theater. Yeah. It's a no brainer that I would sell out. I'd have a good time. My old friends would show up. The cops that arrested me would show. But at the same time, Doug, something's never wanted me to go back to Boulder. There's like an inner energy that says, you know what? Been there, done that. Why would I go add insult to injury? Like that was a memory. That was, you got to remember, I left Boulder 30 fucking years ago. George, that's crazy. How long were you there? From 83 to 94. 95. Damn. Yeah. And I left at 95 and never went back unless to do comedy. I went back twice for other business. But that was it. Like I never had use for coming back before you say something. Okay. California. Come on, man. I would love to go back to California. And now I know where to stay. Get some yum yum donuts. I definitely get some sushi. Oh yeah. I, uh, but if I tell you something, guys, you're not going to believe this. I, I don't want to walk into the store. I can see that. I don't want to walk into the improv. Yeah. I don't want to walk, walk into the fast laugh factory. No, because I've been chasing ghosts all my life. Okay. And let me tell you something. And a wise man told me this. You can't go back. You can't go back. You're just going to shoot yourself in the leg. You cannot go back. I did my time in there. I did 22 years. This is a place where when I started, i'd never even walk on the sidewalk in front of it i became part of that building for 22 years i walked out of there a i walked in there i have the criminal i walked in there were half the criminal kid that was lost and i walked out of there a top-notch comedian and a gentleman and with a wife and a child why would i go back in there now to be that guy i don't ever want to be that guy hey man when i was here we were blowing out this guy out of the war i don't want to hear that i don't want to hear that and i don't want to be that guy because i was there when guys my age were going in there humiliating us young guys just because they're evil they want to make everything better in their mind oh this place is great but it was so much better shut the up right let it be theirs now so before i go in there and start talking that nonsense who though it's in my mind it made me a man it was a hell of a ride it was a hell of an education i should go to therapy dog i should go to therapy because i thought it was so far from me and then i became it do you follow me so one time you're like you know i'm just going to play football and all of a sudden you're like my dream would be to play for dallas and all of a sudden you're on dallas in dallas and you start you're on dallas and your third team but they put you in for some stupid you know what's that called the special teams special teams and you you tackle the guy intercept the fumble and score a touchdown now you move to the second team and all of a sudden one day again you go in there bam and all of a sudden they move you to the first team and now there you are and that's how you walk out of there and you win a super bowl you're going to start talking they're going to trade you to the niners okay and then eventually you're going to want to go back to dallas in your career you could have ended it right there well like a man and walked out with your chest up but you wanted to play stupid games so we'll see what happens and i'm not telling you to do it but to play devil's advocate in football philip rivers came back this week five years later he's not going to be spread yeah he's not going to be mvp but i understand but what's going to happen next week next week they're going to pick him up and launch him on his head and he's 44 years old he's going to walk off the thing like you know i'm just saying you can't go back but you're also not trying to like move back to like in my head when you were saying that i was like yeah but yeah i understand you don't want to be the douchebag like making all the guys feel bad and bumping them in the in the or but like i would never bump it i i i know but like you wouldn't want to do like a a night in the main room or even in the belly room just not just say no to everything you know why because i know me and i know at the end i'm going to be disappointed okay because it's not what i was used to and i don't even want to say that right it's not what i was used to so it was a different feeling you know i listened to all this old music you know on the drive i don't know how to kill i listened to some on ozzy's boneyard or one of those black channel ttt with the guy with the little green thing in the top that's not music that's stripper music i try to listen to everything but i listen to the music i grew up and you're sitting there going you know all these bands motley crew this year i ain't talking about molly crew but this year they're going on a tour with vixen and some other band that i like i like them even more than motley crew and they're going out on an album tour like one of those albums that they put out that were dynamite they're going to tour that album and their attitude is we're going to bring that back no you can't no you can't no you can't that was in a certain time you were in a certain place i just saw an interview i don't know if you were on it somebody was on it and let's speak frankly let's speak frankly i'm going to give you an example that everybody could live with conor mcgregor conor mcgregor came up and was knocking people out within minutes also they gave him 100 million dollars and what happens before the powder you you give somebody 100 million dollars and what happens they get the mexican to cut the lawn they get somebody to pull the sheep back for them so they could go into bed at night and make sure the sandals are right there not over there but there and they're gucci i want to get up and pigeons fly out of a thing that's a long ride away from me waking up sleeping on this couch with blankets opening up that thing and there's water no juice and i gotta go work for the m what is that mua outside digging and on kennedy boulevard right and i gotta walk up this hill that hill with no breakfast in my stomach it's a different feeling uh-huh you know and somebody was saying this is the same thing for comics sure i don't understand why people cannot you know i'll hear oh we went to see this guy and it wasn't really that good the guy left that show with 82 million dollars okay he's doing this because his wife's not sucking his dick and he's sick of going to the gym okay that's why he's going out what did you expect for him to come back better and that that's not anymore because we accept mediocrity now you know netflix puts out these specials once a year we've discussed it a thousand times you cannot develop as a comic in a year and a half it takes two years just to put it together really and really you're going to see that if you shoot it as soon as you get your car that night you're going to go this ghost and all this material comes out bah bah bah that's brilliant oh you almost crashed you're almost passing out from the laughter right that you know and that's the problem you have that you know we're not hungry no more so why would you pay 300 to see this guy this guy has a personal chef cooking from now right i i get that but but so to take it back to you like i think i don't i know you don't have like the the two three sets a night kind of energy anymore but you still take comedy seriously like if you if you were going to go back to l.a what would you how would you go back to l.a the way you want to do it i would just do three theaters l.a san francisco san diego move on yeah get a good meal at dantanas original joe's get a nice steak at dantana's ghost original joe's get a nice steak at dantana's original joe's get a nice steak at dantana's ghost original joe's get a nice steak at dantana's ghost and get a bunch of burritos and oh yeah diego that's it it'd be you know thursday friday saturday yeah boom boom boom and then right after san francisco six hours oh you know what i had never i never had when i was in l.a and you talked about it and i should have gotten it before i had my first bean and cheese burrito this weekend that with a little bit of sauce on top a little bit of the red onion oh my god it'd be a cactus remember i used to get one every night yeah yeah every night that cactus yeah every night i stopped them at a u-turn they closed at midnight or 11. i had that clock to a t and i would pop in there because a bean and cheese burrito kills everything with the green sauce in the middle and they had again none of you will see me eat this but i ate it there they had a a bowl their bowls were real oh like a salad bowl thing yellow rice pinto beans a bunch of salad tomatoes i wouldn't even put meat in it no a little bit of cheese and hot sauce nothing but protein on i would make them give me three things of those beans three inches of those beans with rice and then put a slop of regular refried beans to give you some fat like and then some avocado on that oh nice stop it stop it oh i they had they had a bunch they had all those hot dog carts in san diego that were great but i do i want to get your opinion on this because i i've never had this happen and i almost i almost got into kind of a fight because we were walking down that like gas lamp area of san diego not good dude this guy had his dick out not good this dude was stoned he was the drunkest i've ever seen anybody his pants were just open he had his hand on his dick and he was like stumbling to the car but like anisha was right there and i just looked like i just looked at him and all i could say was dude put that away and like he even that i as soon as i said i was like should i should not have said anything is he gonna punch me because because he's hammered and luckily he was so hammered that he kind of just looked at me and like we just left but i've never seen anybody with their dick out oh they just killed somebody down there really yeah like two weeks ago three weeks ago in san diego yeah dog it's bad all over oh it's bad all over like it's all listen you know like i said i went to the gym this morning i was in a great mood i was i'm still in a great mood but i'm watching the tm on the bike and i'm doing that i'm stoned to the gills And I'm making. believe I'm watching the TV, so nobody says a word to me. They'll come over. Old people come over. Hey, how you been? You're like, how old is your daughter now? Is she still playing softball? She's playing the Maracas now. Get away from me. I'm fucking dying to breathe here, you know. Oh my God. So I'm seeing, like I said, they had June, what happened in Australia, the Hanukkah thing. They had the thing up in Brown University. But they can't find the shooter, and they had the. Reiner. Whatever. I'm looking at this, and I'm like, it's a week before Christmas. Officially. It's the 15th today. Happy birthday, George. It's the 15th today, and we're a week away from Christmas, and this is what you want to wake up to on a fucking Monday? No. But yeah, you don't know them, Joey. Listen, I don't need to know them. There's a thing called empathy. And there's people that have to bury people next week. And they'll think of Christmas, it's like a fucking. It's like voodoo for them. You have somebody pass away around that. Well, you have somebody pass away, it's rough. But you have somebody pass away, and when they pass away on the holidays, you want to wake up on the 1st. You want to go to bed on the 15th and wake up on the 1st. Trust me. You don't want to feel the pain of losing them, and you don't want to feel, fucking, you hate Christmas. Fuck Santa. You know. Fuck all of it. Dude, what about. And he doesn't. I don't know if he deserves our sympathy, but I just. I can't imagine what happened to that Michigan coach. That 24 hours that guy had. But, like, can you imagine what his family. To blow up your life that badly in 24 hours. Chris Cornell used to be married to a girl named Sue Silver. Okay. Sue Silver was a little petite Jewish girl. Very cute. She actually managed Soundgarden, Alice and Chains. She was big-time. But it was all connected to her dad. And her dad was a big-time manager in L.A. In fact, he managed Jeff Garcia for a while and got him a big-time deal when he was 16. Oh, damn. So, God rest his soul. So. He was also working on Marilyn Martinez. Okay. So, Marilyn wanted to introduce him to me one night and he started coming down to the store every night. And I'm telling you this story because it leads to your story. Okay. And a Spanish comedian come in. Guy I had a beef with. No reason to bring up his name. Came in with another guy, a producer guy, and they had a convertible. And the convertible was down at night. Uh-oh. You know. And they were listening to some type of music. And Mr. Silver looked over at me. He goes, look at him acting like Negroes. And that's exactly what happened to that coach. I mean, he got broken in. Domestic violence with a chick. So, he got fired for having a relationship with this college girl. And then broke into her place with like a knife or something. The same chick? Yeah. He was going to kill himself and then her or something. It was the same girl. Oh, that guy's got to go home. His luggage is in front of the house. He's in jail, jail. Really? Listen. The guy's getting six million a year or something. It was like $40 million or something. Yeah. They didn't just cut him. They got to give him something. No, no. Because he fucked up. He got fired for cause. If he didn't fuck that girl. Yeah, he's got some money put away. After she thinks about the wife, because they had the baby. They're under the ether. Love. Okay. Meanwhile, when you're pregnant, he's fucking the assistant and trying to break into a house. Yeah. College. Yeah. Is she really pregnant? Oh, my God. He doubled her salary. That was what I saw. Oh, my God. That guy kicked the fucking kiss of death. Oh, my God. That poor. You're not that poor bastard. No, no. I didn't. That poor bastard. Can you imagine? He woke up one day. He was the coach of Michigan. The next day, he was in jail getting fired for fucking his assistant. And then he said he was going to kill himself, but he's going to take her first or something. Yeah. Oh, my God. I can't even like I've had a bad day, but that's but I was thinking about this originally because I was going to it seems like I don't know. Does it seem like every once a year? As an adult, you go through like something that you never thought you'd go through, like just bad stuff. It's not like the worst thing, you know, your life's not over, but just something like just something happens that you never thought would happen or like you just like everything you like. OK, this year's been going pretty good. And then like a few weeks before, like just like you're like, I have to deal with this shit like being sometimes being a fucking person sucks. I just some bullshit happens and you lose your mind and you get arrested. But I can't I can't imagine having that bad of a day. You know, I was living with George. I woke up one day. I went to the dentist. And for some reason, I had this dumb idea. I was going to take this kid's coke. And it was going to be hunky dory. I was just going to take it and go on a plane, land in Newark and go right to Tom and Corky's and start jumping up and down. That was the thing. And dog, while I was hatching the plan, I was like, this is a bad fucking idea. Oh, no. But it was too late. I was already in, you know, you already spent the money in your head. You're twenty fucking five. Twenty four. I was. You don't really know, you know, and you take the mistake. I did my time. I came on. I became a better person. It didn't happen overnight. Right. Took me ten years. I had my fucking struggle still, you know, old habits die hard. And there was the coke and the fucking problem with my ex-wife. There was just a lot of problems. And then you start recognizing when you're going down that way. You just start seeing it, man. You know, I remember you know, one minute you're fucking snorting fucking coke on a Monday and Saturday and the next minute you're snorting it four nights a week. You don't even realize it until you look at your bank account. You missed work the last three weeks. You don't even know, guys. We fall into something. And what that is, it could be anything. You know, you bump into a girl, one of these hot chicks that are fucking, you know, twerking and showing you their ass at a club and, you know, you're married or you've been with the same woman for three years and you love her and you got dogs now and you got a cat named Choo Choo and everything is hunky-dory and you're going to her mother's house for Christmas. But, dog, you know this girl is going to rock your world. She's going to put that pussy in your face and shake it and the pubic hairs are going to go into your nose. Like, you know, and we don't catch ourselves. And then you're leaving there and the bitch got you on a fucking tracker because they all could track you now, right, on the phone. So, guys, we're living in a different world and you have to see where you're getting yourself into and going, whoa, what am I fucking doing here? But, you know, you go, well, I got a beat already. I got all my problems beat. Dog, I was doing fine. I was doing fucking fine. And then I started eating edibles. And I thought my heart was going to fucking blow up half the time. You know, we were eating big time. The other night I ate 2,000 milligrams of those in the clouds. Guys, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Like, it's just that first level when you hit those heights, it's too much for a motherfucker. So, I didn't know. I went to the doctor and he's like, dog, I gave you these pills. You got to start taking them. I go, what pills? He goes, every month I send you 90 fucking Xanaxes. They're 1.5 so I'm eating them one, two a day, three a day. Next thing you know I'm up to 16 of them. Next thing you know I'm buying them a hundred a bag for $800. You know, guys, how does this slip up on you at not 40, not 30, but 55, 56, 57. Guys, you don't recognize the traps. All our lives have fucking traps. And every time we go towards that trap, it's going to be the same result. And, you know, I don't even know how to say this without signing like a fucking idiot, but I'll lay it on you. We have traps in life when we're regular people. Think about when somebody thinks they know you. Think about when somebody really thinks they know you. A podcast or something like that, guys. They're going to lay fucking shit on you every fucking other week. You're going to bump into something. You know, that's interesting. That's some interesting shit. I can have a good time with that freak. But then in the process, you're like, I'm going to lose everything. I'll lose everything, but most importantly, I can get that shit back. I'm going to lose credibility. And I can't do the podcast no more. I can't be on stage no more. Because you have no credibility. You got people still watching because they got having no soul but anybody who knows human you lose credibility not the money not the car that's all bullshit you could always get that back it's your word your credibility you've been on a podcast for 12 years joey and meanwhile you snort coke on fridays and saturdays how fucking dare you man how fucking dare you at least that's how i would look at it right have you been talking about being sober for all these years yeah you guys know what i do i eat my fucking mushrooms and i don't even like those anymore they taste like ass the ones i ate the other night didn't do anything for me i got yelled at i got yelled at for years saying that but i still ate them with a shrimp parmesan sandwich you never gave me a shrimp parmesan sandwich because you want to eat them with honey because somebody turns a good idea gotta eat them with food and the best food these fucking mushrooms with you 輪池 you because the waiter told me it said they got a sushi ball then how do wantons come in with the sushi bar wantons are from china it is a sushi bar a couple weeks ago he comes in with a menu of a jap chinese place that sells chicken salad sandwiches listen you're in no danger they got my man i'm telling you it's good listen you're in no danger you got to pick a flag up and you're in no danger you got to pick a flag up and you're in no danger you got to pick a flag my world so as soon as you go to a steakhouse everything's in the steak vein lobster bisque bread oh french onion oh a fucking caesar salad not a wrap oh a fucking wedge oh a 12-ounce steak oh a tiramisu a fucking another cup of coffee but no you gotta listen to the waiter yeah i'll have the wonton soup yeah it sounds yummy and i don't mind like if you're 10 like even if my daughter makes one of those decisions i'm like i gotta talk to him we get home but when you're his age i can't i can't and you grew up in this area i can't i can't i can't even put my fucking head around why would you tell him you got wonton soup at a steak place because that's his world you can't tell him and then he tells one of your things he blames it on the waiter well the waiter said it was good some skinny kid yeah it shoots fucking peptides to lift weights you know why are you bothering me fucking for you know let's go to a break i'll be right back we gotta talk to you about a couple things yeah hey what's happening uncle joey here listen for a good workout you need to train smarter not longer now listen you get results in just 20 minutes a day again 20 minutes a day with the hydro roll machine hydro works 86 percent of your muscles that's right 86 percent in one seamless motion it works your arms your legs and the most important your core okay roaring with hydro is twice as efficient as cycling or running and a lot less you know your knees the whole thing hydro keeps you motivated with different workouts filmed in beautiful spots around the world three three all led by world-class 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drinks they're stronger than all the other ones you kick one back and you sit back and relax this holiday season whether he's in the neighborhood or not you'll hear santa get yourself some in the cloud listen if you're 21 or older visit in the cloud.co and use code church c-h-u-r-c-h for 25 off plus free shipping that's in the cloud.co and use code church c-h-u-r-c-h for 25 off free shipping and a better way to unwind enjoy responsibly and thanks for in the cloud for sponsoring the church love you guys we're back pole smokers so uh yeah that this is it man i hate this time of the year already like i like the holidays but i hate that we're at the 15th already people's mind is already starting to slip who's bringing the eggnog who's cooking why does that upset you like i understand if it's someone i want everybody to work straight to the 24th at midnight what time does santa come the 24th at midnight what are you talking about what do you need to do everything comes on amazon now right you don't even have to go to the fucking store no i just i don't know guys when it comes to shit like this i'm a commie like i want everybody to fucking work to the 23rd whipping it this is it the year ends what do you think happens after the 20 fucking six nothing that's why i'm not married if you're unless you have a restaurant or you're a theater owner or something nothing happens people come in with fucking returns you know and then you gotta start again on the fucking first all over back to your fucking grind again yeah and this is just and then a guy like me has to wait well i haven't had an audition in three months so i don't give a fuck anymore the phone doesn't even ring okay and i gotta be honest with you i'm pretty fucking happy because the last five or six jobs have been jobs i'm like i don't want this you know i had tulsa king i had some other independent pilot on netflix i never heard back from that i was interested in but besides that it's like fuck i don't want this and i have an agent that's a sweetheart a sweetheart of a man i've been with him for 25 years and i've been with him for 25 years and i've been with him for 25 years he was with me at daniel hoff he's my agent in new york and he always sends me these college auditions and shit and i'm like oh but they're always a twist so i always get out of it he has to speak russian i don't speak russian yeah but you can try i don't speak russian okay it's not gonna happen overnight i'm not gonna fucking i'd like to see you try to speak russian no it's not listen it's not gonna work not at this age i can't do impersonations i can't pull rabbits out of hats this is it that's your acting move that's it that's all i got but listen guys i used to fucking right now 10 years ago i'd be pissed if this was going on in my life 10 years ago oh i'm calling my agents every day because the year ends on yeah when's that kind of yeah you're not wrong that's it the agencies close on wednesday nobody's taking calls nobody's doing nothing but let me tell you something one of the most money i ever made on the commercial wasn't the most but surprisingly for what it was it paid me a lot it was a demo wasn't really a commercial was a commercial for the nfl network you know what time we shot that motherfucker we shot that december 24th 24th at 6 a.m. And they were shooting five more that day. Damn. And you get three, four hours on one of those on Christmas Eve, dog. We can buy presents now. No, because you're not getting the money until fucking St. Sebastian Day. I don't have a credit card then. I had to wait. I'm trying to work the guy. Listen, he can't get an advance. You know, we have to call JCPenney. Forget it. They're never going to give you the money. But, you know, guys, I always did something in December. You don't know what it's like. I mean, people talk about, you know, listen, here's the truth of the matter is, as adults, always remember this. I don't care whether it's Bruce Springsteen, Nicky Porkchops, George. We're all at zero on the first of every month. We're all the same. How you tackle that month is up to fucking you. You can say to me, well, Joey, I got two grand in my checking account. I'm good. I don't have to sell shit. So the 20th, but you know, on the 20th, for those last 10 days, you got to roll up your fucking sleeves and dig in that, you know, and that's what I don't. I miss that. Like now we have stand up again. I love doing stand up during the week. You got to write. You got to talk to people. I'm thinking about this show in Atlantic City next year. that I have to make it a production. I just don't want to throw three people up there and call it a comedy show, you know, so I'm thinking about all that stuff, and that keeps me busy, but it's not like. I used to have a whole three-hour of my day that was dedicated just to acting for 10 years. It was just dedicated to acting. I'd read movies in pre-production, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, figure out the director, call the agency that I wasn't even with, get a screen, a script for that thing, look through it, assume that this character's my age, and I would just send the tape in because I couldn't wait for the fucking agent. Wow. Yeah, so when you have that type of shit and then you take it out of somebody's life, it sucks. So, I mean, I think maybe it was last week we talked about it, but have you thought about starting, not even to make money, but just started something new? Like, you've already written a book, but. You know, it sounds like you're talking about, like, you like or miss the excitement of, like, being new at something and not being great at it and, like, figuring it out. Look, what do you want me to do? Be an attorney? Sure, no, an attorney. You know, anything I do right now, they're not going to take me serious. People are going to look at me after two minutes and go, aren't you. And whatever I was doing also turned into a picture and the time I was in Joe Rogan and fucking. when I fucking ate the ant. In some. In some things, but I. No, trust me. I think you could hide as an attorney. Huh? You could be an attorney, I feel like. But after ten minutes, people are going to go. You know. Come on, Joey. Come on. Can you imagine me at Costco greeting people? Who was that guy? What was the Italian guy who was, like, a heartthrob, but then he went to be a teacher? They did an A&E show about it. He was on, like, one of those 80s sitcoms, and then he was a teacher. Shaq is a cop. You could do something. Like, it sounds like you're just. Why is Shaq a fucking cop? He's a. Once every month, he goes for a day or two. He goes. He wears the uniform. He does his stuff. I don't know. It just. Like, that's what it sounds like to me, is that you, like, you miss the struggle. Listen. I'm laying scores for a living. Once a month, I'm making money. All right. Break into one. Cops are chasing me. I turn around. He's like, hey, man, I'm Shaq. I'm shooting him. You know? I'm gonna fucking. Oh, I'm gonna stop, because it's Shaq. It's like The Rock. Hey, it's The Rock. You have to stop. Fuck you. I'll shoot you in the kneecap. No more fucking Black Adam or Black Edom, whatever the fuck you are. Oh, that looked terrible. Wait, you. They'd kill you in jail if you shot Shaq. It doesn't matter. My point is that nobody takes you seriously as anything else. Who wants to be taken seriously? You're a comic. Why do you want me to do it for a laugh? The only job I could take. Okay. that I would consider. All right. is a host. Host of the casino. Yeah, fuck yeah. Welcome to fucking Casa Moringa. I am your host, Joey Diaz, the hostess with the mostess, okay? If you need chips, over there. If you need the bathroom, over there. If you need anything, I'll work them for tips. That's my. I love that shit. And then it's good. Let me take a picture. Yeah, well, it's light. My palm is empty. You know, you can work. That's the only guy that can. You just keep looking at your hand? If you. I thought about becoming a maitre d'. What happens when you come in and say, you have the Bordelais 1640, and I'm like, guys, just get a fucking Heineken. Knock it off. Your wife wants some martinis, you can fuck her in the muffler later. You still want to be in, you know, Johnny Goomba and get a vine Bordelais of 400 a bottle. Knock it off. Give her a martini, let her show her friends she's drinking a fucking martini. Because the bottle's wrapped in a fucking thing. The martini's a lot better. It's just. Just something you enjoy. Because I get it. I enjoy food. Right. I enjoy food. Like, if they call me up and go, what are you suggesting? Well, I'm going to be honest with you. How's the wonton soup? And you know me. I'm like, the wonton soup, it's a half a Chinese guy. You know, you don't even know Becky. So fuck it. You know, but only George would do that. I would stay the fuck away from that. You're saying, kind of like you and George should be like a combo maitre d'. So George can give you the recommendation and then you go over and like whack him in the head. Are you fucking kidding me? The people won't eat for four hours. They'll start doing their history. And then Nicky and they broke away. They're not married to the family no more. They moved to Staten Island. And while they were in Staten Island, they opened up another place. And that guy went with his wife. And the people like sitting there, like, okay. I'm hungry. We're hungry, but George don't give a fuck. Showing them the batteries from Dollar Tree. You know, the whole fucking thing. Oh, you know what you could do? There's a guy online. He calls himself like John Breaks Bad News. And they just, some people pay him just to like call someone and be like, yeah, your sister is pregnant with my, like with Joe's kid. You could just let people, like torture people for like, have someone send you 20 bucks and be like, all right, call my boss. He hates fucking Chinese people. And you could call him and be like, order Chinese food. Just whatever you do. Just torture people. Just torture people from, from your home office. That's, that might be a good one. If I do that shit, it can never be for money. It has to be for me. When I torture people, it's not for me. You're a purist? I would not torture, the way I torture you, I would torture you for me. It's for me to see your reactions. And I, dog, I take, dog, trust me when I'm telling you, I could torture you by not saying a word. Trust me, I know you can. Just by doing certain things. Certain movements, certain things. Just a look. That's all I need from you. I don't even need to see you. Oh. I communicate to you with the weirdest fucking things. Oh. You're like Denzel in the Equalizer. You would just take it on if it was like important to you. Like what do you mean? Like Denzel, he, like he, that girl, he just like, he just takes on these, that whole movie. He like took over to find this guy's pension because he was a, he was a nice guy that he met as a Lyft driver. He went over and killed 800 people in Italy. Because of it. And that, it was, I could see that if people could send in like their submissions, like this guy's been fucking with me for 20, and like really just get to, like get to your heart and then you decide to fuck with him. There's people that I want to fuck with. But I knew I would break them because how I had to fuck with them would be so intense. And no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't about bringing them down. This is about you being at work and me breaking into your house with somebody. And putting a bug in your wall that just goes, ha! That's it. And it starts at eight and it stops at one, but not loud. Very subtle. So you think there's somebody laughing outside your window and shit like this. You do that to somebody every night. And then you figure out a way for them to invite you over and go, come here for a second. Do you hear that? And you're like, nothing. No. I think, didn't once you told me you wanted to break it and steal like someone's like left shoe? No, I did it to a friend of, I did it to the cab driver that one that sits up there. We're going to walk into a club one night who was changing in the parking lot and I saw his white shoe. They just irritated me. He had like fucking these white fag shoes on. A friend of ours that we had quaaludes the whole thing. Like four North Bergen guys were kids. And I remember I told him when he went inside, I go, dog, don't bring those shoes. And he came back like, ha, ha, ha, I do what I want. Okay. When we got to the location, he was fucking around. I saw the boat shoes in the trunk. I took one and threw it in the garbage and just, and he's like, where's my shoe? I can't even go in the club. I don't want them. You have to wait out here now. Okay. For years, for years, he tore that car apart looking for that one fucking shoe. When I was doing the cases up in Snowmass, if I didn't like you, I would break into your house just to take a snow boot. You know, those snow boots, you get the expensive one. You take one snow boot from somebody, see what happens and then check on them. How you doing? What's going on, man? I lost my snow boot. I saw one down the road. You know, there's so many things you could do to people and have such a good time on your own without nobody knowing. And I could do it to somebody for a while and keep the straight face and ask them how to come about. And they're telling you, you got to hold it. All that shit. You got to hold it to yourself. How do you pick a new target? Do you have to like the person to want to torture them? Or does someone piss you off in a day and you're like, ooh, this is a new guy? No, I have to love you. But at the same time, I cannot believe you're so stupid that you're going to let this happen to you so I got to torture you. You're going to let it happen to you? Because I do it for you out of love. Like, I tell you who's going to have a major league problem. My daughter. Oh. She has no idea that I'm going to fuck her up. I'm going to fucking manipulate her just through pictures, signs, sounds. When is it going to start? Like at 16? It started already. I say shit to her already. Like, you hear that? You know, stuff like that. You know. You got to mess with them a little bit to keep them on. Oh. She has no idea. I can't wait till she really starts dating. Like my wife. My wife falls asleep in the middle of the night. I get up to pee. I get up to pee at three in the morning. Pee. Look at the cat in the bathroom. I go. I get back to bed, Right before I'm about to put my sleep apnea mask on, I look at my wife, and she's laying like this. It could be 3.30 in the morning. I just go. I just pet her face. This has been going on for 25 fucking years. She doesn't even react to it anymore. She just goes. Yeah, I'll wake her up. What are you doing? You just wipe down her face. I just do. And I make that noise. That's what kills it. You do that to somebody every night at 3 in the morning when you go to bed. Just those little things. They weigh on you, but you don't even know. Look, I could throw water at you, or I could tie you up and just drop. What's that Chinese water torture? Yeah, just one drop on the same spot. One drop on the same spot. That is you. You're the Chinese water torture as a person. Oh, my God. That is so funny. Do you wake up on purpose? I mean, do you even go pee, or do you just wake up to do that to your wife? If I go pee, and I remember, I'll come back to bed, look at her, and go, let me pet her. And I'll give her. So I started doing it to my daughter now. She's not sleeping. She's awake. But when I hug her, I go. She'll go, Dad, don't do that again. Next time I hug her, she'll do it again. So it's just a constant reminder that I'm fucking there, okay? Oh, my God. The worst thing anyone can do. Oh, go ahead. I had a deer deer. I had a deer deer friend. Okay. When I was growing up. Still talk to him, but not a lot. He's out of his mind. Love him. Love him. You might have tortured him to it. We used to hang out a lot. A lot. And we would go to this bar, like Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays for about a year. It wasn't a hot bar. It was an old people bar. It was on Kennedy Boulevard. And we would go there to do coke, because there wasn't a lot of people there. And you'd get away with shitting there. And for years. I would go in. I would go in there, and there was an old woman that sat there every night. She was like a relic from the neighborhood. And if I went in there, I would give that seat in the middle, and I would sit next to her. Because I had a friend that would walk in and fall from my trap. And he'd sit in that fucking chair. Okay? And I'd give him a beer. I'd give him a line of coke. And then I'd sit there all night and go, Yeah. That's all I did. That's all I would do. I'd put my mouth. So he was sitting here. And I'd put my hand here, and I'd go, And I'd do that. That same wording. That's it. I don't even know what that means. And he would sit there. And after a minute, he'd go, This lady won't stop saying senya. Whatever the fuck. And that's what he would do. You know it's working? And every fucking night. Every time I'd sit next to her. And for years, senya. Senya. And he would sit there like, Why does she keep saying that? I don't know why it sound like the old lady. I had a Rudy Moreno as my brother. God rest his soul. He died after COVID and stuff. Rudy gave me a lot of comedy work. And I loved Rudy. But Rudy knew that from the minute I walked in, because I used to tell him, Rudy, don't fuck. Tell me. I got a spot at the store at 10.30. So sometimes I torture people because they fuck with me first. You'll call me and go, Joe, I got a spot for you. What time is the spot? Quarter to 10. You sure? Because I got a spot at 10.30. So I got to be off that stage at 10, dog. And I got to be on the fucking 101, then to the five, to make it back to Hollywood. So don't tell me. And I get down there. And also I'm going up at fucking nine. Now I'm missing the $15. And this motherfucker's giving me a check. Like, what the fuck? Right. So I said, this motherfucker wants to fuck with me. So I'll get down there at eight. If you get there at eight, then I'll put you up early. Another time I get there at eight, motherfucker puts me up at nine. I go, that's it with this punk bitch. So I started showing up early. He'd be with Georgia City. That's the stage in front of me. Right at the camera. And I'd be looking at the stage. And every three minutes I'd go, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. You do that during a comedy show. Rudy. The guy's on stage. People, even people would start turning around. Like, what's going on? Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. And then he would turn around. Coco, what the fuck? What time am I going up? No, no. I would ask him, like, something. It's going to rain tomorrow? Like, something fucking superbly. Like, nothing to do with this. And he would always bring, what are those things for your breath? Mints? The can. Oh, Tic Tacs. No. Mentos. Whatever the fuck those are. He would get the cinnamon ones that are delicious. But if you eat the whole can, you shit blood for a day. I would go up to him. Rudy, where's the Mentos? They're right there. And I would get one every three minutes. Oh, my God. Right in front of him. Rudy. Every three minutes. Like, I'd pop it. And he'd sit there like, what the fuck? And then after the Mentos were gone, I'd go right back to the Rudy. I'm surprised he didn't pull you up just to get you out of there. Eventually, he started putting me up second. He would give me my check and get me out of there by 830. I love it. And then I'd throw in, Rudy, we got a Chinese dinner with this? Rudy, we got a Chinese dinner. You know how many times he just gave me money out of his pocket? Like, go. Go. Go. Did he even get the food? Or you just wanted to torture him? Oh, I would torture him. Another time, he would give me two gigs in one night. And he'd pay me for both gigs. I'd do the first one, but not show up for the second one. Oh, my God. What was your excuse? I didn't feel like doing it, Rudy. Oh, my God. He would lose his fucking mind. But though, you know, if you're going to give me that, I had a dude. I had a dude convinced that I had the best cocaine across the country. Any city you go. Now, all the cities he was going to, I was going to. So I knew these cities, but I didn't get coke in these cities. Some cities I got lucky, but other cities you don't. But I would tell him I did. Started like a year in advance. Like, dog, when I go to Cleveland, I get this shit from the fucking samurais. Remember Mother of Pearl? Because he was my age. I go, remember Mother of Pearl? It would just drip down your throat. And he'd go, yeah, I remember that. And I'd get him all fired up. And then when he'd go to that town, I'd get him all fired up. I'd call him on Thursday. And I'd go, you bring anything with you? He goes, I got enough to cover tonight, tomorrow. Maybe Saturday. I go, do it all tonight. I got a guy showing up tomorrow that's going to rock you. Oh, no. He called me the next morning. Man, I did it all. What time's your guy showing? He's showing about 730. Now, I knew what hotel he was in, so I knew the landmark. Diabolical. There's a library down the corner. And I would tell him, go down there. He's a Chinese guy. His name is Ming. I was just busy. I filled up the fucking whole weekend for him. I did this to him every weekend, guys, for like a year and a half. It became like a joke. I still remember sending him on a mission before I left the house. I was in California. It must have been 930. And I'm like, you done with the show? And I go, yeah. And he goes, do me a favor. Go to the White Horse in the center of town. He's like, Joey, it's 8 degrees. I go, he'll be there in 10 minutes, man. OK, I'll call you from the White Horse. I'd be in the car headed to the White Horse. I go to the store, and the phone would ring. What's up? I'm at the White Horse. Is he coming? He's coming. Ain't nobody coming. I don't even know anybody in Pennsylvania. And I'm telling him, wait at the horse. And dog, do you know one night I went and did comedy and did two shows, got off stage? And he calls. He's like, man, I've been out here for two hours waiting. I'm like, you can't. And then he would buy Coke from me, from El Compadre. And he wouldn't see me. So I would take the money that he'd give me, pick up the Coke, and then he had a camera. So he'd see me come in, put the Coke down. But I would just put, like, a phony envelope and fucking take him back. And he never saw it. So he knew I was there. He knew I opened up the mailbox. But there was no Coke in the mailbox. I did that to him, like, two times. He's like, I don't know if it's my daughter. I don't know if it's my cunt wife. Dog, I had this guy on a different fucking world of torture. I love that you let other people get to blame you. Like, yeah, probably. It was your wife. Oh, you got to talk to your wife. I stole it. Every time I'd go to his house and he had a CD on, I'd steal his CDs. I'd steal the CD and the thing. And he'd call me and go, what happened to my CD? I don't fucking know. I don't live there. It was constant. Did you listen to the CD? Or you just, like, threw it out the window? No, I fucking threw it out the window. What do I give a fuck about? Oh, my God. Tramp or whatever the fuck he was listening to, dog. Sometimes the best time, I had a guy in Seattle that a good deal friend of mine, I still talk to him. And he used to tell me all the time, you should get a business card that says professional torturer. You should. And just give your services out. Like, because no one, the thing about the, like, I would love, I love, like, most people, like, just annoy somebody. But you have, like, persistence and the creativity that I've never, like, I've never seen anyone torture anybody like you. There is somebody who I don't speak to. I haven't spoken to him in, like, five or six years. He doesn't listen. live in jersey or california nothing i know where he lives and i've thought of a thousand ways on how to get him because i don't want to kill him i want to traumatize him till he kills himself oh jesus that's the job electric style no kind of but with devices and noises and sounds and fucking you know what about smells have you ever like left someone someone somebody's house like you know i took a shit in the guy's box and put in his drawer in prison and he found the piece of shit fucking three months later it went from a 12 inch piece it was all little like a hot dog a little flag and anyway that's a complete different story but i thought for about a year i would go to bed at night dog and as i was falling asleep i go no no think about how you would toy this guy and some nights i would get up and write notes oh it would be a slow prop between 14 months he would go in a witsack or shoot himself because i know the person ain't shit right he's not dick okay he's not dick he's not and the way i'm not strong enough to handle it no not the way i'm going at him you take pictures of them mail it to them you know what i'm saying you take a picture with your hand at a supermarket about to touch his back oh you're that close but you don't know who's that close that fucks you after a month of doing that shit how often are you sending pictures like once a week once a week middle of the night uh flowers anything that you could send with this sounds like this like the the horror movie this is a horror movie i would make your life a fucking horror movie see for you young audiences they made a movie in 1973 called the mechanic and then they remade it again in 2000 with the good-looking guy whether it's terrible it's not i didn't see the new one but i could tell i didn't have to see it because of that movie from 73 showed you was how to be a murderer but be methodical about it so in this movie charles bronson just didn't kill you when he got a hit on you he got your medical records he got everything about you and made it look like a heart attack that's it it was always a fucking heart attack okay but there was a lead-up to that heart attack okay he would put you through the ringer for you to have that heart attack you're not gonna get it one time running up a hill and him saying run run there's a fire you're not gonna get it right you have to you know put him in a mental place that when he does it that's the move is putting him in that mental place and i think about okay it's easy for me george doesn't understand what i'm talking about when you do cocaine you get so fucking paranoid that what's going on and what you see at any given time is two different complete stories like i'll tell you a night and dog i had 20 20 vision at the time i was 22 years old i remember one night 20 feet away i thought it was a dog i thought it was a man with a dog and basically it was a fire hydrant okay the man was imaginary i still remember being in boulder in the halfway house and getting a furlough to my wife's house at the time we were dating and her dad you know he's catholic he didn't want me sleeping in the house so i slept in the trailer which was great because i brought an eight ball i was in that motherfucker alone all night drinking and snorting but i'll never forget that night i saw at one point i hallucinated i saw three guys with machine guns on with a white jacket those white hoods that they were in the winter to shoot like 007 style 007 shit with machine guns on ropes i remember seeing it and grasping like your heart's gonna and you wait for the door to get kicked in you hear noises i remember a time looking out a window at a hotel and cars kept stopping and i'm like that's the fbi switching cars on me it was the atm downstairs you dumb fuck you know i mean the shit that your mind twists and that's what you're doing without the drugs you're making their mind twist without the hallucinogenics so at first they don't really know what's going on they misplace a watch they misplace when we went to i took his phone oh yeah getting in the car that's the beginning of it if i was going to torture lee i would have never gave lee back that phone i would have gone to the bathroom took the sim card out and shoved it down the toilet and that's the beginning of it i would love to see you next time he comes here another time i'll take something else from i don't just keep happening to me you ever move something around like like just move the forks to the other side of the thing like i thought the forks were on the right side well when i was a kid my mother was a sticky fingered bitch god rest her soul my mother was a sticky fingered bitch and before i ever got blamed for anything in my life i blamed for something i was not doing as a child i didn't even think like that guys because i was such a fag catholic i was in catholic school five fucking nights a week so i was such a fag catholic that you know this was it and every fucking once a week when i got home from catholic school my stepfather would go did you were you in this money no i didn't know what that money was why would i be in that money i make my own money i fucking work bingo at the church on sunday nights and i fucking deliver papers when i'm home on the weekend and i do this and he would always accuse me did you take that 20 bucks off the desk dog i didn't take it and it became a thing for like a year and a half and i go you know what i go it's either me or my mother it ain't fucking me so if i'm gonna get accused for it i'm gonna start so before i started robbing him i started fucking with him so those cubans think differently those old style cubans he put him put all his money together he put five thousand a rubber band but he rubber banded a weird way he put like a hair follicle in there so if you fucking move the rubber band you just looked at the money he was a genius like that or he put an initial on it with like something green or something and he would put that under where you have your colognes he would put that underneath he would just throw it underneath and then there was a fucking bedroom upstairs in the attic and there was a piece in the bedroom i found the gun with a silencer in there and like a pile of fucking money that one was the money was long the money wasn't in a nut okay not that's where he hid the money and the money was long and then there was a spot downstairs when you pulled in with the car closet and he had all his jackets in there every one of those jackets had money in there and he had all his jackets in there and he had all his jackets in there in that fucking in that jacket so i said i'm not going to touch you know like 500 this jacket 400 this time he's not going to know about these he's got five grand upstairs and 10 grand under here not in the straight money so i would take the five grand and the 10 grand and switch them okay because he would go see that something was wrong and then go check to see the other one and then he'd be like oh wait so whatever closet he went to and died he thought he was like a master technician let me go downstairs and he go fuck i put the money in the wrong place now i had him now he knows he's fucking up how did i do that i'm always on top of stuff i'm always efficient two weeks later switch the money again on him i could see him when he get home two days later racing around the house talking everything all right yeah that's the money i had from you and that's how it started he had this big cheapest regal bottle like they don't even make this bottle no more it was gigantic it was he had pennies in the bottom for san lazaro and then silver dollars dog to the top and one day he goes did you take a silver dollar out of there i go no why he goes because i got him counted what did you do did you actually take them all out count them and put them i mean that's how sick he was i started stealing his silver dollars because if you took 10 silver dollars you could not if you took 300 out of that you couldn't notice that's how many silver dollars he had in this bottle in front of a san lazaro but there'd be one missing anything he'd notice no i would never take anything that was obvious i would always switch his money so he had three piles of money the attorney money the numbers money i don't know what the money in the attic was for but the money in the attic was straight and i can never mess with it do you follow unless i took two grand out and re-bandaid it and put it next to it and then he's really fucking crazy like he's like one of these motherfuckers is fucking with me so i would switch the money on him for a while and then i just started going big 500 because then he started moving spots on me but i could tell when the garage opened i could tell how many steps he took downstairs oh my god i'm one of those motherfuckers i'm a professional thief guys i'm gonna count how many seconds it takes you to get to that play i remember one time sometime about 25 fucking years ago in Boulder, a dear friend of mine and I got a quarter ounce of Coke and he gave me an eight ball and he goes, go home and do it. That's yours. But he was going to a wedding the next day and he goes, I'm only taking a gram and I'll never forget breaking into his house because I called him. He goes, I'm in Saratoga. I'm fucking having a great time. That Coke is great. I should have brought it all with me. Dog, I don't even know this guy, but I went into his house and I remembered how he walked into the house and there was a fucking dollhouse from his daughter when she was a kid and I looked at it because that's the last thing you turn and I opened up the drawer and there was the Coke right in the fucking drawer and I'm like, Merry Christmas. I will fucking trace your steps. I will count how long you're going to be down there. You get out of the car, you slam the door, you look around, you walk in the fucking house. It's cold. Why are you out there? The other day I walked up. I drove last week. I drove up. It sent me up 88th Street. You know where 88th Street Park is? Okay. Coming up from Tunley and I'll never forget that I'm coming up that block and I go, oh, it sent me the other way. So I'm coming this way down to 80th and I'm touring up to Kennedy Boulevard and I'm looking at that house in the corner and I grew up in that house. That's Kurt DiLorenzo's house when we were growing up. I'll never forget that. So we stopped there and I giggled a little bit and I made the left and there was no other cars there. So I drove real slow past the fucking house and I had a memory about Chris, the one I still talk to now. We just hung out Saturday night for a little while. He was like a Coke dealer at the time in 84. I'd moved back and I was staying with him and I was working at Swift Electric. So I'd have to walk up that hill and catch the Bergen line bus and then get to Swift Electric, which is on 43rd Street. But I had to work Saturdays, you know, eight to one. That's what you do when you're fucking broke. You work Saturdays, right? I was getting like $5.50 an hour or something for overtime. I'll never forget being out there one morning and looking by his car and seeing gram packages all over. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? So I look under the car. And there's a Tupperware container. He would hide the Coke under the car. But it gets better. I picked up every gram and put it in my pocket. I'm like one gram, two gram, three gram. It was like five grams. But it led to a barbecue and then his door to his house. I get to it. It's the winter time. I open up the barbecue. Jesus Christ, there's a bag of Coke that's fucking big. I just, I just counted the steps. He couldn't leave all the Coke together because then you rob it all. So he left the Tupperware under the car. And he put the big bag of Coke under there. I would leave the big bag, but I'd steal the Tupperware every Saturday morning because he did the same shit every Saturday morning. And every Saturday night, he blamed on his brother, Emil. God rest his soul. Every fucking Saturday, he'd tell me, fucking Emil keeps robbing my Coke. And I'd go, Jesus Christ. But at that time, Emil was on to his own thing. So I didn't feel guilty because Emil was robbing him too. But you just, it's just weird how you know people's patterns. I guess, but no, I don't think a lot of people like, I would never, if I was thinking about robbing somebody or just like, oh, he's been down there for six seconds. I can walk around for six seconds and figure out where he hit it. That's like, that's like a beautiful mind level of like thievery. That's, that's pretty impressive. George was laying in bed one night. Okay. One afternoon, listen to kids barbecue outside. And two hours later, the cops are knocking on his door. That's somebody robbed the lady. I was having the barbecue and George was like, I don't know nothing. I'm in the bed laughing my ass off because I took the envelope. She's outside cooking. No purse is there. Where's the purse? I walked upstairs. The purse is right in the kitchen table with the deposit slip right there, right in the purse hanging. It's, it's this fucking thing. It's like a sixth sense. And I'm not proud of it. I'm not fucking proud of it at all. This is what it fucking is. Have you ever, cause I know, I know, I know you don't want Mercy to be like a thief, but have you thought about teaching her how to torture people? No, it has to be, it's a gift. I did this shit when I was, I'm just telling you, I did this to my stepfather when I was 10. This is not, you're 10. Yeah. With that shit. What were you doing? $500 fucking buying basketballs and fucking bicycles and mini bikes and shit and hiding it. I would bank in it. I was just banking money. Oh my God. So I had money in the bank with my mother, but I had money at the house under a car. You just started hiding your money too. Oh my God, bro. At that age, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. Right. If I want to go to Blimpy Basin, Union City, I go to Blimpy Basin. If I want to go $500 at 10 years old, you're a fucking millionaire. If I want to go to a concert, well, I didn't go to concerts back then. Back then I was a karate nerd. So I would go to the city on Saturdays and buy like a stars and fucking flying darts and all that stupidity. I wasn't, there was no drugs or nothing. But think about that. At that age, I already had, that mentality of how to get ahead and how to bust people's, listen, one thing about, this is a bad point about me, that if I know you for a while, I start to study you. Like I know what George is going to do before he does it. I yelled at him before because of the one time. So I'm not yelling at him, broke his balls. I've known him so long and that's, you know, I've known him so long and that's, you know, I've known him so long and that's, that's a gift that you'll never really have with people. But I learned that growing up, because growing up in Hudson County, especially in my house, especially in a lot of houses around here, you didn't have time to talk. It was all based on a look. It's all based on a fucking look. So you got to read people. Like I got to know what you're going to say and I got to know what I'm going to say. Why is that bad? To play ahead of the game? Yeah, to study people. You have to. If you're going to do stand up, if you're going to be an actor, you know, this is the shit psychiatrists do, whatever, those psychologists and shit. No, this is the shit you do as a stand up. You know, when a headliner's on stage, you're watching the headliner, but you're really watching the audience. You're watching how they react, how one person's on the phone, how one person's eating, how two people think they're in fucking heaven. They're looking at the comedian like, you know, that's what I like to do. You know, some people like to do, I like to smoke a fucking joint and sit there in a car and watch people walk by for 20 minutes, 30 minutes. Just watch people walk by. Think about what they're thinking about. You know, I was telling my wife that I know men's breakdown. Like I know men and I'm not saying this the right way. I know how a life could end up and how I describe it to people is sitting on a plane in the front, whether you're in seven B or eight B. So you could actually see everybody who comes on the plane. And I tell this to people and I tell them, and hopefully you guys will listen to what I'm saying to you. Yeah, I'm not saying nothing bad to you, but when you sit in six B or for years, I sat in first class with Joe Rogan. It wasn't because I had any money. It's because his agent made you buy two first class tickets. And I would sit there and when everybody else was watching or reading, I'm watching people and I'm watching couples in particular. And I'm watching the women that just had a baby and they have the big Starbucks, the size of a fucking milkshake. And they're walking like, and you know, and then you see the husband behind them and he wants to shoot himself in the fucking neck that he don't want to go nowhere. He don't, he don't want to go. He's got the kids, you know, he's got the kid cause she's got the gallon Starbucks with the whipped cream all over the fat fucking fingers. Right. And he's got the kid and he's got luggage and you can just see it in his face. It's like, dog. And we've all lived through this. I know you lived through it. I don't know if you lived through it. The reason why I'm so lenient to my daughter is because for years I got taken to places that I didn't give it okay to. Even as a child, one of those places being church. Okay. I don't want, I don't know if people know this and you always could tell a new couple, you're going to do this. You're definitely going to do this cause you don't have the fact. You go to a church, it's fucking Sunday. All right. It's You got a two-year-old and a three-and-a-half-year-old. The two-year-old don't want to fucking be there. Throughout the whole hour, you're shaking the two-year-old, the four-year-old, just looking around like, how long does this last? Why am I in this room with all these ugly fucking white people? You know, and the father's like, just beat up. He just wants to get home to watch the jockey. He doesn't care if he's Catholic, whatever. And you see this at every church you go to. You see a couple, two three four couples that three out of the four people don't want to be there but there's somebody in that relationship that thinks this is that important and it very is important but not right now because you're making the people they're uncomfortable your people that your kids like or you go to a church and they bring a chick that's autistic to church i get it but this kid's gonna start fucking blowing whistles i was waiting i was like oh boy where's this gonna go whistles is probably the best case scenario as an american i gotta sit there during three of the whistle breaks and go you know that poor kid he's got problems you know god put him on the planet by the fifth or sixth whistle god damn i'm like bro what the fuck is this shit you know what i'm saying but we as americans don't have that anymore where you are black labeled you're called the fucker and that's why half the time i don't go out because i know i'm gonna say something i'm too old anymore i'm too old for magic tricks and for fucking you know but think about it guys and this is why me and my wife we had a situation a couple years ago and we've talked about it a lot and we were like look i didn't want to go there you know i didn't want to go to the first place i understand it's your culture we went one time it worked out but that's it never mind never again you go go by yourself you could get a plane ticket fly out of newark and be there in three hours but people think you know yeah we're gonna go to my parents for new year's no we're not no we're not i ain't going fucking nowhere you know everything is like and that's what i don't like about like church when you see there's some people that just don't want to do shit and the relationship if you make them go to fucking church and sit there with you two retarded kids you know making noises and fucking moving around they don't want to be there either let's go give me a fucking kids i'm out of here you come home later stop for donuts i'll have lunch cooked for you you know i'd rather do that right you're the catholic one go down there and jump up and down and you know right don't force people to do something and i told my wife all the time what would you do well my mother was still awake i'd be a worthless man why be in prison but what would you do if my mother was still alive thinking the way she did i go you wouldn't tolerate that shit at all and guess what i wouldn't expect you to fucking tolerate i wouldn't fucking expect you to tolerate that's too deep of a cuban shit and those motherfuckers don't give a fuck they'll talk spanish in front of you and try to break it down and it sounds even worse just don't say a fucking word to them they're american and you're fucking spanish and they don't know shit but there was so many situations you know and my wife finally and me came to a conclusion after 20 years and i was like oh my god i'm gonna go to fucking years that for some shit not everybody has to go you know not everybody has to fucking go to these places yeah i could see when a man is broken you know i want to break him not right a chubby wife drinking Starbucks with cream on her fingers but to get to that thing it takes a while to break somebody and even when i got in trouble my job was to torment Bella in different ways i can never get to him i can never get to him right but i would you know that's when you start doing again you can't make it obvious but you have to think that they're losing their mind first and you can't go too strong at the beginning because then it's too obvious it's too obvious just a little bit so it's very lightly and you pile it on and you pile it on sort of how i did with joe rogan that he brought was funny because he just called me i just missed his call and it's like so weird how that worked out perfectly because when he said to me that every time he talks to joe he hears a click on the phone i knew i had him that's it i could run with this for years it's like a wheel of fortune in your eyes you're like oh this is the jackpot and i do this to everybody you know we were talking about let's get it out in the open we were talking about uh things that you see i became friends with somebody last year that when i first became friends with this person i was informed that she wanted to do a podcast within 25 minutes i had naked pictures and you know it didn't matter it didn't matter i knew she was bad news and i go you know what i don't want to just stop talking to this person i'm going to keep him around like a fucking leash you know and she would call me every three weeks with a story i never really hung out with her after that it wasn't even worth it aggravation but i knew that where i was going with this broad was going to be trouble okay and i knew that there was no way this could ever happen i already blown my life 18 different times this could not happen i really liked her but not for those reasons right i thought that we could bring her in as a podcast chick or something like that she's hot she's something different she would tell about a horse stories but she didn't okay and then like after one phone call like in june we had i thought about it i go i'm letting this woman torture me well i should be torturing her and i started my mental mind fuck with her and it was very subtle i just you're not gonna see me right and when you do see me it's going to be something weird it's too late and i kept doing this and i kept and i wanted to see if she snapped and she did because i i always tell people everybody's got a price right no matter what your beliefs are yeah but i'm a christian i never did that everybody's got a price and i did one of my most torturous moves ever and cold-blooded oh my god okay one of the coldest blooded i was in the fucking hospital pulling these strings that's how big my jimmy is oh my god you were torturing someone from the hospital from the hospital laughing to myself watching my blood pressure go up from from the giggling in my heart oh my god and i saw a fracture and then what did i do i had two options i'd go to war with her or dismiss her altogether and i dismissed her again and i saw her lose her mind again and then i finally had her to get rid of her i finally had to tell her that you know she was an abortionist and you know all this other shit an abortion and guess what what a month later the phone rang and it was her again and the way i answered the phone it must have been her voice in my heart i just said i didn't say it haven't you had enough but i was thinking it and sometimes thinking something like really because when i looked at the phone i was sitting in my car just calling my agents and shit and i was on the phone with somebody i saw a name pop up and i'm like nah i don't have my i don't have my glasses on yeah i'm seeing this wrong right like i'm saying this wrong there's no way there's no way i'm saying this wrong there's no way i'm saying this person could be calling me and do you know that i i was stayed on the first i stayed on the phone with my agent and do you know that 25 minutes later when i got the phone my agent she called again and i sat there and let it ring like three times because i couldn't believe it after the torturing and the saying things to her and the baby's head and all this stuff here she is on the phone to tell me they're having a sale at where she works but the whole time i'm like going are you fucking serious and it's weird that after you torture them now they start torturing themselves now they just get into the cycle that you don't even have to do anything anymore you've completely broken them huh you've just broken them to torture yourself is pretty bad huh to torture yourself is pretty bad yeah because after a while you just torture them and you don't have to do nothing because not seeing them right is worse than somebody but there's a way to do it for me to walk in a room and nick's in the room and i want to let him know i'm not talking to him that's not it nick's gonna call me a fat scumbag i'm gonna call nick a cocksucker and guess what i'm doing tomorrow i'm disappearing oh why so guess what every time nick goes to the cuban place they're gonna say to nick have you seen joey diaz and he's gonna go no i haven't we're not talking but he's gonna hear that three places you guys see somebody at rudy's let's say you see joey diaz no he hasn't been here three weeks and he goes somewhere else joyce have you seen joey diaz oh no i haven't talked to him why is everybody asking about joe diaz right now that's the torture that's the first torture the places i used to go i disappear from and then so even when you're not torturing them like you're just preparing you to torture them i'm That's one thing when you guys are getting along, you're like, oh, he's going to hate this eventually. Because now everywhere they go, they're going to go, we haven't seen Joey in a month, two months. Oh, my God. And now you're going to go, I haven't fucking seen Joey either. What the fuck is he doing? What is he plotting? What is he thinking? What the fuck is going on? And now that's it. You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucked and free. Jesus, dude. And that is a good word for you because you plot a lot. Everything has to be blissful. A man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche said that. You can run around for years. You're going to run around until you're 35, 36 and go, this ain't working. I got to cut the fat and attack this the right way. And that's all that happens. You just learn how to get better and better as a human being and you try the best. Right. It doesn't mean you have to have a boat or you have to be 50 cent. Right. Right. Right. You have to hang out with Diddy. It just means. And that's what people are confused. Everybody wants to take those Instagram pictures, excuse me, with models and boats and bitches and gold chains. They don't tell you they got to bring it back in an hour that the gold chains aren't rental. Jesus, dude. What do you got this week? P.I. Carden. This week, Friday, I'm at Bedford Falls and then Saturday I'm at the Gaff West and I'll be popping in around the comedy shop at Sheba's during the week. But those are the two big ones this week. What about you? You got anything this week? I got nothing. I got nothing. I got to go to the bladder doctor again on Wednesday. My daughter's got a recital Wednesday night. This is orchestra, this ain't jazz band. Last week was very interesting to see her play the bass with her fucking fingers and shit. She got all dolled up. It was fucking crazy. That's awesome. Yeah. It was good to go there and see because a lot of these kids I know from softball. Right. But I haven't seen them since they're nine or ten. You see them and you're like, "What the fuck happened?" So it was pretty interesting. It was nice to do. I took them out to dinner afterward. Everybody had a nice time. You know, I couldn't go to the dojo on Wednesday night. I don't know if they're doing it this week. If they're doing it Wednesday, I'll probably end up going there. I'm going to see what time I get out of the orchestra. Nice. And then take it from there. I think there's something tomorrow night, tonight I'm going to do. Something in South Amboy or something. Cool. And that's it, man. I'm just trying my best. I'm getting ready to kick up the new year with some new shit. Getting ready for the St. George Theater. And getting ready for the St. George Theater in motherfucking beautiful Staten Island, knocking on Royal Crown's door for some chocolate bread like a motherfucker. We still got the butter. George saved it. I saw that. George saved it for his birthday. It's cold enough here that it's probably fine. I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching and we'll see you next week. Same time, same bat-channel. Yeah. Happy holidays. Uncle Joe here. Listen, fellas. It's time to level up your big dick game. Listen. Blue Chew Gold is a 4-in-1 tablet with a mix of key ingredients. Increased blood flow, arousal. You don't have to do it twice a day. It's a 4-in-1 tablet with a mix of key ingredients. You know? Listen. This stuff is tremendous. It said 15 minutes. All you got to do is think of what that monkey looks like and that fucking soldier will be pop up. There'll be an attention. Medium rare. Yeah! Make life easier by getting harder. It's December. You understand me? Christmas is coming. Listen. We got a special deal for church family. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code CHEW. Listen. For years we've been giving you a little Blue Chew every month on the house. Listen. We got a new formula and you got to jump on it. All right? Again, that's promo code CHEW. 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