Joey Diaz: Crazy Suburban Dad!

Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. It's that little show where you sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that they're good to be classy, and they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Tate Trilley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. I didn't write one. My coach is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He's an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world, and we're growing. We're moving together, and I love it. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What's up, everybody? Shout out to you. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify. And the boys are climbing the freaking charts. Actually, a bit of a standstill at the moment, but check it out. We're taking it. And then, obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com. Slash RU Garbage. Go over there. We're in the top, I don't know, five or ten comedy podcasts over there on Patreon. Check it the frick out. Oh, yeah. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I'm an incredibly special guest, back with us again today. A man reborn. A man on a mission. A legend. You can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, The Church of What's Happening Now. Give it up for the one and the only, Mr. Joey Diaz. What's up, guys? Uncle Joey made a trip over from Jersey. Thank you for having me, man. Thank you. I missed you, motherfuckers. Thanks for coming back. The last two times I was supposed to be here. And listen, thank God you motherfuckers sent the car, and I'll tell you why. Sunday, my daughter's got, no, Saturday, I got a wedding to go to. I got a thousand things Saturday. Not beside the three games. She's got. Yeah. That starts at 8, 10 in the fucking morning. What's this all? Is it just, is it Little League? No, it's girls softball, but it's like this fucking league. These athletics are crazy. This is fucking crazy. This is crazy. This, she wanted it, she got it. Two practices a week, two strength and conditionings a week, and six fucking games every week. God damn. 13 years old on a 15-year-old team. Whoa. She's a catcher. She's good then. She's a catcher. So, that was that. So, this weekend, Saturday. I'm excited. I'm coming to see you guys Tuesday. 8, 10 in the morning. I got a couple of edibles in me. I'm stoned to the gills. I got my sunglasses on. You know, all the parents are fucking running around. I'm just sitting there. And all of a sudden, the first game they won, the second game, a girl hits a fucking foul ball. And I see it. And there's my car. And all of a sudden, ba-boom, it hits the windshield. And people are like, whose car is that? I was so high, I didn't even say nothing. I didn't drive today. I didn't. I just. I sat there. And then the second game, I'm like, wait a second. I got shit to do. I got to take my daughter to a concert Sunday night. I got to come see you guys. I got to go to Brooklyn Wednesday. I got to get through it. You got to get moving. And, you know, the white people there, call Safe Flight. Yeah. Good. Safe Flight's a mystery to me. They show up like 22 hours later. So, I called Lexus. They said, drop the car off. I had to drive all the way back home. That's an hour. Switch cars and drive back to the game. Sat there until 7 fucking 30. I got home. I couldn't even make it to the wedding. What? You bailed on the wedding? It was a reception. Really nice people. It was a reception. It wasn't the wedding. It was like a party. It was the party. But listen, we left the house at 6 during the morning. I'm out. He got home at 7. I'm not a fucking young buck anymore. And then I found some energy to stay up and bet Max Holloway like a motherfucker. Paid, laid, and parlayed. The only bet I lost was decision. I bet him to knock him out. I bet him to win. I bet everything. I knew that was going to be a fucking calamity. So I got no car. So they gave me a loaner, but it's a fucking monster of a Lexus. Does it have like the big courtesy vehicle on the back? That's embarrassing. You're in a golf tournament? I'm number 40. I'm number 40 this week. Lexus or Lawrenceville or something. I got to give a shout out to Lexus or Freehold. They're fucking tip-top magoo. Listen, you know, you have all these cars. You have all these cars all your life, and you really don't enjoy them. They're just a vehicle. You get in it, you smoke, you fart, you fucking drip shit in it. I got this car because I was a Subaru f***er for years. I lived in Boulder, and I saw people with these badass cars get stuck in the winter, and all of a sudden some little lesbian with a Subaru. Yeah, all-wheel drive. 80. 80. And that guy with the big car. 700,000 miles on it. With the chains on it and the tires. And it's stuck. So I became a Subaru guy, but I never really enjoyed them towards the end. So I took a survey, and I said, let me go get the Acura truck. Holy sh—the Lexus truck. Yeah. And I fucking love it. What's a survey? What do you mean, took a survey? I took a survey amongst my friends. Oh, okay. You ask different people. Like, I want to—listen, I'm a— Joey's knocking door-to-door in the neighborhood. Yeah, I'm talking Cuban. I want a Cadillac. I want to ask you about your car. Okay? I'm Cuban. A Cadillac is in my future somewhere. Yeah, shout out to it. Cubans love Cadillacs, and I've been looking for a Cadillac. I've been looking for a Cadillac for 10 fucking years. But it's to the point where even the service people pull me aside and go, Joey, you don't want to do this. You like the Cadillac sedan coupe, or do you like the big truck? The sedan coupe. But if it was up to me, I got an electric 225 from 1973. Nine miles to the gallon. I dare you to walk out in front of it. I dare you to walk out. I dare you to—you can't even scratch that car. That's some cars you could sit there for an hour with a key. Hot did. So I found one, but it was too beat up, the leather interior, about a year ago. And I'm still looking. A nice electric 225, fucking windows, power windows. That's luxury. You ain't going—but when you step on that motherfucker, it's a mule. You're doing 450 in that thing, you know. Joey came in hot today. Oh, I love it. I'm in the car with some Indian guys for an hour and a half. I haven't said a word. He hits me. I'm staring out the window. I had to pull over at the fucking stop to pee. I had to pee two times on the way, dog. That early ride kills me. They're good with that, though. They like stops. No, they stop. They stop. The one time I got out, and he followed me into the bathroom. We stood at the urinal next to each other and then walked back to the car. It's a little too fucking—it's like we were on a road trip together. A little too familiar, dude. We were sending the car anyway. Well, I asked him. I said, do you want a car? He goes, nah, I'm good. And then, like, very Joey-esque, 10 minutes. Maybe let me hold off on the car. I would have had to drive to the ferry and then walk. Walk. And let me tell you something. Send the car for Uncle Joey. Always. This Thursday is nine weeks from the surgery. And after, like, seven weeks, my knee backfired. Like, that's my fucking luck. So every time I go to get up, it feels like the bone's going to collapse. So I went to the doctor Thursday again. He didn't take an x-ray. Oh, there's nothing wrong with it. That makes you nervous when they don't really look? They just go, ah, you're all right? Yeah, that makes me think. I want all the tests done. I don't want to hear what you think. Take a picture. I would have never done this shit again. I'm not ever doing it. You didn't get a knee replaced, did you? I got a knee replaced. That's what you did? Yeah. It's hurting? Yeah. What? And I replaced the replacement. See if Lexus can do that. I replaced the replacement. That's a courtesy knee, dog. I was supposed to come out here on a Tuesday. Monday afternoon, I go to jiu-jitsu. Yeah. And it's a single leg. We're going over a single leg. And I actually dropped that knee to pick up the guy's single. And I couldn't get back up after that. I couldn't even walk down the stairs after class. They had to carry me. They had to carry me down there. Like one of those Indian chiefs when they carry them. Like Alibaba. Boop. So fucking they got me downstairs. I went home. The knee blew up. When I called you guys at 7 in the morning, it was huge. I went to the hospital and they sent me home with no pain pills. I don't do nothing for a man. You did something that I loved. That's something that I would do. You sent a picture. Oh, yeah. Of me in the hospital. Yeah. I don't want no fucking problem. That's a career liar. Yes. That's a guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm the kind of guy, show up. This is how I was raised. When you go to school, you're sick. You don't feel good. Okay. Go to school. If you puke at school, I'll pick you up. Tell my mom that it sucked. I'll pick you up. But you're going to fucking school. And if you don't go to fucking school, you better have a goddamn reason why not to go to fucking school. They never believed me I was sick. Dog, I went right from you that morning right to the fucking hospital. Jesus. Right to the fucking hospital. Because I woke up and it was out to here. I do. You conduct this very old school, too. We were on the road. I get a DM from him. Yo, it's Joey. Here's my number. Hit me up. That's his ring. I get out of the shower. What the fuck's going on? I call you up. I go, hey, what's up? I go, it's Kevin. I know who the fuck it is. I go, what's up? He goes, I got your number on my phone. I couldn't fucking find it. Couldn't find it. Couldn't find it. He checks in like Uncle Joey. I go, what are you guys doing? I go, we're in fucking, we're in Cleveland. I go, you guys have a good weekend. We got a ticket. He checks in. He goes, listen, what's the 14th looking like for you? Very old. That's it. What do you want me to do? No, it's just very, very warm hand. Listen, I got a call from an agent yesterday. Hi, my client, no, last week. My client would love to come on your podcast. I love your client. Great guy. Okay, where is it? Monday night, 6 o'clock. Nice and easy. No fucking drama whatsoever. Weekend passes. He calls yesterday. Hey, my client, can he do a Zoom? And I'm like, absolutely not, because this ain't COVID no more. I'm not doing a Zoom. They're the same shit. He lives in fucking Long Island or whatever. Ten minutes later, a guy calls me back. He wants to make a phone call. Don't let him make a phone call, but he ain't calling me on the podcast. He can make all the phone calls he wants. Call his mother. I don't give a fuck. You know, and it's like, when it comes to a podcast, my agent shouldn't be fucking calling. I agree. I like that. I call you. I love the people that you go up to and go, hey, Kev, how you doing? I like to come on. the show tomorrow, and you're like, great, I'll call you tomorrow morning. All of a sudden, I get in the car. I'm getting a call from Ali. You know, Ali, hi, this is Matt's assistant or whatever. What the fuck? We were just smoking dope last night. Why has he got his assistant calling me? Do the work yourself. I couldn't agree more. Why the fuck is your assistant calling me? My assistant, I don't even have a fucking assistant. But I wouldn't have him call you. I'm a man. I'd call you yourself. So we live in a strange fucking world. I will say, all of the bigger comic guests we've gotten have reached out, have somehow gotten our number, or Deant, like Bert, Tom, R, everybody has been, Schultz, hey, can I come do the podcast? Yeah, what the fuck's the matter? I've got to have my agent on. PR manager. My client's available. Let me put him on. Let me talk to this person. I'll straighten him out. You ever have these guys? My client would love to be on your podcast. Okay, it's July 20th. What were you thinking? September 18th. Listen, go fuck your mother. It's Monday or nothing at all. That's why. I appreciate it. I'm not waiting until September 18th for your fucking bum client. Go fuck yourself. I like booking week to week. I don't know what I feel. Some fucking weeks, I look at a guy, I don't want nobody. I don't want to talk to nobody. We were trying to work this out a few months ago. You couldn't do it to one day, and then this, and then we get the wristband from the hospital. Old school. Yeah, old school. Boom. Motherfuckers. With the date and time. There was no misunderstanding. I remember seeing that. I was like, I'm sure you don't have to send that. Because during COVID, people were sending old COVID tests. What are you kidding me? I got COVID last night. And there's a picture on top. It says June 18th of last year. And you're like, come on, guy. You didn't get COVID. Remember that we showed you the COVID test? Oh, man. Like, I'm an adult. You don't have to show me a COVID test. But come over here and let me know you're dying. And then I'll fill you up with a bag of goodies. I got something in the house that'll take care of you. I got edibles. Something will take care of that fucking COVID. I love to use that for getting out of stuff. I'll still throw out COVID. If I want to get out of like a spot. Hell yeah. I just got off the plane. I think I was exposed. I didn't test positive. But, you know, she did. No, no, no. But listen, if you got exposed, come down. Come down. Unless it's herpes or the VD or something. Or gonorrhea of the asshole. I'm in. I can live with that. A cold for one day. You get it? Yeah, we're working, baby. What is your setup at the softballs? Like, what do you bring? Do you bring a chair? Do you sit in the bleachers? No, I bring a chair. Are you bringing something to eat? I'm cool bringing a fucking chair. I got you. Because you get up, you need 15 chiropractors. So I bring a nice. Burt gave me a chair. Okay. Burt sent me a chair. All right. That's the fucking heart of Burt. He heard me talking about softball. He sent me like this chair with like buttons. And my feet go up. You know, the whole thing. I bring my own food. That's what I figured. You don't hit that snack bar? No, no, no. So this is a day, I assume it's a traveling team sometimes. Sometimes it's local. At one week, we had local. Like one week. Is it all a bunch of games? Local an hour. Yeah. Everything is two hours an hour. And it's great for me. Because in between games, I go to that city's weed store. I make new friends. I mingle. I see what the weed is down there. I say hello. I take some pictures. Who the fuck knows? So in between games, the kids go sit under a tree and eat watermelon or something. Me, I got shit to do. You don't get lifted, dog. I go get some weed. I go see what the town has to offer. Just like if I was on the road. For me, it's just like in some towns but in others. Sometimes you go to like a fucking nice white town, they got dynamite weed. And then one week, we were in Atlantic City. Woo! Oh, fuck that, dude. AC is bad. You walk out of that fucking hotel and you walk on that Independence Avenue. There ain't no Independence. The kids are playing softball down there? No, we played like 30 minutes away. Probably like Egg Harbor Township. Yeah, Egg Harbor Township. Yeah, Egg Harbor. So we had to spend the night. Instead of driving an hour 40, we just got hotel rooms. The team gets hotel rooms or just you and your daughter? Me, my daughter, a couple of other parents. Some parents drive home. It was like six of us got hotel rooms. We didn't want to fucking drive. The games are at 8, 10. And they go all day. And they got to be there at 7. So you're sitting there with your fat ass, you know, looking around at pigeons and shit, asking yourself, when is a fucking stone going to fall on my head? The thought of you doing the suburban dad stuff is fantastic. Listen, do you think I would live? Look, I live in a place where there's deer. You see fucking foxes attacking little birds. Little birds and shit. So I'm down there like Batman. You know how he lived in the weeds? He went in there and the fucking cave opened and shit. I'm like Batman. And during the week, I have really no friends at all down there. Low profile. Yeah, kind of, sort of. But I have like two or three friends. They got, like my best friend's a 10-year-old kid. Wait, what? He likes to gamble. So I go, what? He's 10. I go to his house. And his parents are there. No, you don't. Yes, we do. And we have a casino down at his house. He's 10. He calls his buddies over. And what do you play cards with? I scam him with blackjack. I go home with about 11 singles every time I go over there. Kids are crying. I don't give a fuck. You got to learn. This is a real world, dude. And his mom is my best friend. And his dad is my best friend. So you became friends with the neighbors. You ingratiated yourself in the neighborhood. But then, are you tight with the softball parents? My daughter hangs out with their daughter. They're from Staten Island. They're beautiful. They're a beautiful Italian-Irish couple. I mean, I love them to death. The Murdos. And they got two kids. They got Nicole and then Joey. Joey's a fucking animal. He's just been an animal since the day they brought him up. And they know. They know I torment the fucking kids. Joey's taking cards from the bottom. Ah, blackjack. I told him if he got all aces, I'd give him 500. I gave him 500 cash. There you go. There you go. He shit his pants. But then I won 100 back. God dang it. I raised the stakes. I suck him in. I let him win like $3 in a row. And then I go, let's bet a five, Joey. And there he is. Playing three Carmonti and shit. Follow the jack. Holy shit. When you go to the. Does the missus go with you to the game, too? So do you guys sit there? Yeah, yeah. It's a team. And then the rest of the, some of the parents and stuff like that? Yeah, some of the parents lay around. Nobody gets smoking dope this season. Like, my first of two, three seasons, the parents were all fucking edible heads. Uh-huh. Yeah, the parents are. My dad gave an edible, like, 50 milligrams. He started puking at the game. You gotta love that shit. You're in your zone. You love when someone can't handle an edible joke. Dude, we'll watch the video. And he told me 10 times, oh, I've done these before. I was a heroin junkie. Okay. So I gave him a 50 milligram dope. They had to carry him to his car. He kept seeing his dog, and the dog died three years earlier. Dude, sometimes we'll just sit around, and we're on the road or in the car or whatever, and we'll just sit around. We'll just look at you getting people really fucked up, specifically, Lee, and we'll just die laughing. Oh, my God. It's so funny. When the game starts, you're dialed in? Dialed in. Yeah. Watch what everybody's doing. You know what the kids are doing, all that stuff. I'm not a cheerleader. I don't even cheer for my daughter. I don't want her to hear me fucking say nothing. So I shut my fucking mouth. That's what I wanted to ask you. My dad was the same way. I don't argue with reps. I don't yell at the umpire. I don't care what the count is. These fucking parents, all of a sudden, they become baseball fucking umpires. That was safe. And then it's a 22-minute talk. Yeah. I could have sworn it. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. That was 10 minutes ago. There's no instant replay. The game moves on. Let it go. Get a cocktail. Do something. We got another game in an hour. Let's go. Finger your wife. What the fuck is going on here? But they can't wait. I got money on this game. Yeah, 20 minutes. Oh, well. You know, I thought he was safe. The umpire called that last week at a league. Shut the fuck up. Mm-hmm. You know, I'm not going there to argue. I knew this was going to be your take. I like this. I go there just to sit and watch my child. Every 20 minutes, I get up. I go pee. I fucking take two hits off the joint. I eat an edible. We bring watermelon. We bring fucking. Doing a sandwich out there? Ah. Hoagie or something? Stop and get a nice sandwich? Dog, I'm too old to be. Wait, how long are you there? Hey. You're there from 8 in the morning, and then there's a game at 10-10, and then there's a break until about 2. Then there's another game at 2. But just watermelon? No, no, no, no. I bring. She brings, like, chicken. Okay. I'll eat, like, a breakfast at the house before I go, and then I'm there. Because at night, you're eating salami sandwiches all fucking day. I don't want to eat salami, so I bring cherries that I bring. Good. You know, fucking. You know, you got to bring watermelon. Uh-huh. You got to bring waters, you know. I'll get a yoo-hoo there. There's always a yoo-hoo. So you will hit the snack bar? Yeah, yeah. If there's a yoo-hoo. You do a hot dog? Nah. Okay. It slows you down? It just don't. I got my place to eat hot dogs. You know what I'm saying? I don't trust these foreigners with hot dogs and shit like that. It's a snack bar, new TV. Still, it's a hot dog. I don't like it. You know, listen. I'm living in L.A., and Carvel opened. Every fucking New Yorker was excited. We went down, it was like a Chinese couple. They never spoke English. They didn't even know how to make a cone. They were only making sushi and shit. I'm talking. And fucking. Because it was an investment. Yeah. It wasn't. For the franchise. It wasn't somebody who grew up with Carvel and said, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do with my life. Let me open up. Carvel people were nice people. You went in there, they were chubby. They had diabetes. They liked the product. They were sensitive, right? But they're the next generation of Americans taking it on. But they. It's like I went to someplace in Burbank, and what was that juice company we were kids? Purple Mango, whatever the fuck that is. I don't know. Purple Mango. Oh, my God. You know, when you see, like. And I'm not prejudiced or racist, but I'm just talking the truth. Somebody who doesn't eat meat is selling you a meat product. I never understood that. You're not. Hey, listen, I get that. For the word. You know, I don't know. They kill themselves for. for some virgins, but then they fucking, if they eat meat, they die, but then they are selling fucking halal and hot dog. Fucking Arabs don't eat hot dogs. What are you talking about? Since when does a. Show me one picture of a guy with a turban. I haven't heard Arab in a minute. An Arabian, whatever the fuck. No, I know. Arabian? Tell me, show me one picture from Iran, and the guy's got like a sad bread hot dog. It's about to be eaten to a fucking mustard relish. You know, that's never going to happen, so why are you pushing on me in the streets of New York? Oh my God. I got to walk down the street with an ICE agent. I don't even know what the fuck it is anymore. Man, suburbia will never be the same again. Oh God, my head hurts. Holy shit. That's too funny. That sounds like a nice little. That sounds like a nice little Saturday. And then I got to do it again Sunday. Kevin, let's talk about Fabletics. Fabletics. Yes, sir. As you know, summertime is here. 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I haven't seen a joggers. I put a pair of joggers. I put these on. I literally walked out. Nadine saw them. She said, those are great. I jumped on. I ordered like 15 pairs of them. If you see me in an airport, wandering around, running errands, Kippy's in some joggies. That's what we're doing. If you shop now at Fabletics.com slash garbage, you can get 70% to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. You take the quick style quiz and be sure to select garbage when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't wait. And that's Fabletics.com slash garbage for 70% to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Do it. God bless you. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Yes. Dang, they're removing the stigma of getting therapy. A lot of guff with that. Hey, therapy. These old generations, too. Talking about me, trashing me in there. Listen, get rid of all that stuff. Don't let that stop you from going and getting help and going and getting your brain in order. You know what I mean? You got big problems. You got small problems. Go to therapy. Talk it out. You know, you're not going to go to hell for it. Yeah, we talk. I mean, you know, we talk about it. My grandmother told me. We talk about our mental health journeys open and honest. A lot of comedians do. It's good therapy for us. BetterHelp's 2026 State of the Stigma Report surveyed 2,000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. We got to close that gap in mental health support and people actually seeking it and what we can do to fucking, to get people the help they need. And BetterHelp is doing that. They have over 30,000 therapists. It's the world's largest online therapy platform and have served over 6 million people globally. Come on, they're doing the Lord's work out there. And me and the big man have been very public about our journeys. We both use BetterHelp. We both use it as a tool to just start the process. It's a good touchstone. I'll back off for a little while. I'm doing good. I go, you know what? I'm spinning my wheels again. I'm going to get back in and I'm going to get straightened out. Don't let this thing. Keep me standing in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash garbage. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash garbage. Do it. Do it. But again, the sun's out. You got your sunglasses on. You're chilling. You're chilling. You don't get involved with the parent politics. You got your wife. It's like I tell my wife. There's some people that go fishing and they don't go fishing to catch a fish. They go fishing to look at the fucking water and to hear dick all day and to just reflect. Whatever comes. What comes into your mind is beautiful. And that's what I do. When I get there, I don't want to talk to nobody. I just want to watch my daughter play and the other girls and see how they do. And while I'm looking at my daughter, I'm thinking this shit. I'm like, man, how lucky am I to have a daughter? How lucky am I to be here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd rather be in a hotel in Cleveland right now having three shows tonight. And you know, the first season was kind of rough. If you know anything about me, I like to mix it up on the weekends. And I'm sitting there with parents, you know, with short time. It was very rough. And then one day it came to me. There's no other place I'd rather be. Like when I'm watching her, it's my little fucking meditation. That's what I use it for. You sit there, you don't have to talk to nobody. I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to be funny. I just fucking look at it. The fruits of your labor. That's it. You were able to get to a place where you can give her these opportunities. Yeah. What are we talking about here? It's the same fucking thing. Watch her develop. She's focused on something. And this stuff is, you know. Listen, even if she has a bad game, she's learning something. She's learning how to cheer and do this and get a bloody nose and cat, you know. I mean, and that's, I didn't want to raise her in California for those reasons. I wanted her to be a city fucking girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. East Coast. I wanted her to be an East Coast girl. And listen, Sunday night, I took her to a fucking concert. Where'd you take her? A heavy metal concert. What? Asbury Park. No shit. Independence Hall to see this band crazier. She likes the kids. My daughter's 30. She's 13. She's never going to date a 13-year-old. She's going to date a 15-year-old because she's a little, you know, I got to watch the Narcos and the Godfathers and she's fucking eight. I talk to her about shit. She knows about everything. I'm not going to hide anything from her. So I always told her. So all of a sudden, she's like, these guys want me to come to the band. She had her little hot pants on, her little blouse. Oh, she knows the guys in the band. Wait, this is the young band? Yeah, they're like 15. They're fucking great. Craziers? Crazier. Crazier. Yeah, and they play like, fucking Judas Priest and, you know. That's fucking crazy. They're 15 and they play Def Leppard's first album. When I heard that song the first time I went to see it, I go, I got to pay attention to these little motherfuckers. They're on to something. Because there's no way kids that age would have known that Def Leppard song, Wasted. It's on the first album. It's fucking tremendous. None of them. And they knew that. They knew a couple fucking songs. Then they broke into Samadza Ozzy Osbourne's show. Joey's in. They did Hot. Well, Ozzy. And I had just shown my daughter one day without even knowing. We were watching TV. I go, you ever see the video for Hot for Teacher? And she's like that. I never even know what that song is. I put on Hot for Teacher. See, you're talking to a guy in the barbershop. Guess what they played one night? Hot for Teacher. My daughter turned around and was like, I go, yeah. So, you know, they're a little band. They're a young band. There's three of them. They make noise like ZZ Top. What, do they go to her school? They go to, like, a school in Tom's River, I guess. It's a musical school. So, a friend of my daughter's had a crush on the drummer and took my daughter. And my wife called me. She goes, Joey, your daughter's in the pit jumping up and down, pushing boys and shit. I'm like, that's my daughter. Fuck it. That's crazy. So, you took her down there this time with her and her friends? Yeah, I've taken her twice to those shows. Tell her no? No. What do you mean? By the time she's 18, she's sucking three cops at once. I can't have that. So, I tell you, I take her out now and let her know it's okay. I'm with her. I don't sit there and watch her either. Yeah. I sat for, like, 30 minutes and I went next door to a candy store. They have one of those old school candy stores with the cigars and shit, with the bubblegum cigars. The pink and the blue ones. The pink, the blue ones. They don't blow smoke no more. I know. They got rid of that. They got rid of the smoke. The powder, yeah. The fucking gum tastes like ass. No flavor. You know, what the fuck are they doing to these kids? They took all the good things out of these kids. Oh, my God. I fucking love this. That's great. How many times did you eat those cigars? You bought them. You shit pink for a week. Little pink balls would come out of my ass. The candy cigarettes, the gum cigarettes. The candy cigarettes. The cigars. That was cool to me. The ones with the paper and you ate the paper. You didn't give a fuck. You're from Jersey. I eat paper. I remember a rumor came around that, like, on Trident Gum, you could eat the paper. You started doing that. Yeah, I eat the paper. Chinese people eat the paper. Chinese people have candy. When I was a kid on 88th Street, right down the street on 88th Street, we lived in a building and one of my neighbors was Chinese. Little girl, five. I was five. And her father was an artist for Schultz. He would do all the Snoopy movies. Okay. So whenever a new Snoopy movie would come out, she would invite me and a couple other kids from the building to her theater to watch it. I still remember her father giving us candies and saying, you could eat these, you know, with paper on them. And I'm like fucking throwing paper down like it's the Fourth of July when you're five, you know. You can eat paper. Yeah, I'm eating paper. And I told a Chinese friend of mine, a comic, Becky Z, I told her about three months ago about this experience. About a month ago, she brought me the candies to my house. Oh my God. And I ate the whole fucking bag. With the paper, without the paper, I was so high. Let me ask you this. When you're taking your daughter and some of her friends somewhere, what's that experience like? What's the Uncle Joey Diaz experience like? I fuck with them a little bit because they're going to fuck with me. You're taking them to get something to eat? I think. I take them to, like, Reader's. Shout out to Reader's. I take them to Carvel. Stopping on the way home, stopping on the way there, something like that. And then after the games, they always want to do a little after party. The whole team goes to get a little pizza? Yeah. Look at you. Not even pizza, really, but something. Just something. Like something to drink or something. Dairy Queen. Yeah, they like the Starbucks. But that's their slice of pizza when you go off to the Little League games. Yeah, that's it. Look at you. You're living the suburban fantasy out there. Then I got them smoking pot with three hands. 7 for 10 every morning. That's what I'm saying. I do my comedy. Yeah. You know, I fucking love it. And this has worked out better than my life in L.A., you know? That's great. Like, this has worked out. I found the schedule I could work with. You know, I get to spend time with them. I get to podcast. I get to fucking. I've been playing GTA. I never played that shit before in my fucking life. I ain't got time to play games. You know, we're always fucking taking hostages. So I'm not going to sit in a house like an idiot and play games. But when I got the knee surgery, I go, a friend of mine, Carly Kim, shout out, talked me into it. She goes, you should try it. So one night I just started playing GTA. So now we, like, Tuesdays and Fridays and maybe Saturday nights, we just get. She's in Austin. My other buddy lives in Lynnhurst, New Jersey. And we just fucking play GTA for three hours, smoking dope. Fucking, when I did the surgery, I'm playing on pain pills. I'm fucking crashing. People are like, why are you such a bad driver? Bitch, I got three fucking 10 milligrams in me. A 500 milligram edible, and I've been smoking dope since fucking Dracula went home. So you pop into your office, you got the game chair and all that stuff. Nah, I got in the living room. I'm not that much of a. You're right in the living room. Yeah, I got to fuck with my wife and my daughter. I got to be upstairs now and hide in their rooms. I'm down there yelling at people. And you're down in the living room, sitting in your chair. Yeah, but now she already read me the riot act. Joe, it's the family room. You can't be down here talking about Arabs at night and shit like that. With the headset on. With the headset on yelling at people. So we're going to get a setup for your office. There you go. So I started throwing some shit away on Sunday. That's good. Just to make my office a little bit more spacious. Nice. I got a question. Talk about living the dream. I know. Every suburban, Jersey suburban dad dirtbag loves, I mean, we have them as well. Do you have a PBA card from a cop? What happens if you get pulled over? I have so many fucking PBA cards. I can imagine. Jesus Christ. I have so many PBA cards. That's a great question. You should pick a card, any card. But every cop knows, had heard me over the years, I'm a felon, but my relationship with cops has always been solid. Sure. It's not their fault I became a fucking knucklehead. It's not a policeman's fault or a detective's fault. Detectives. Oh, thank you. And in my 63 years of living, I only had one problem with a cop, and it was the arresting officer when I turned myself in in Boulder. He was just like a white boy scout, one of these guys, and I was just thinking about that. I was just thinking about that he was bothering me. He would say shit to me. Wait, when he was transferring you or bringing you in, what do you mean? No, no, no. I turned myself in, and then I went to county jail for like a month, and then when I got out of there, I would bump them to him at different situations, because he didn't buy my story. So he's like, we're going to nail you on this. But I had fucked with him. What the fuck? I had fucked with him years early. In 85, I was working on a footlocker, and I found a bunch of stolen credit cards. Well, I stole them. I stole the credit cards. You don't find them. I found them in my pocket. You're not walking down the street. Holy shit. The blue bird of happiness just drops a fucking Chinese credit card on you. So I didn't know. When I moved to Boulder from New York, I was so New York, and I had some cash, but I put it in the bank, and a buddy of mine, we were doing credit cards here in 85 like a motherfucker. There's a guy up in Brooklyn that would give you a $500 MasterCard, a driver's license, and an insurance card for your car for 500 bucks. So we were fucked. We were fucking running with that motherfucker. Every time we had a chance, we'd get up there in the fucking Brooklyn, buying a new MasterCard with the sticker on it and everything. You had a call to get the code. This is how fucking good they were. And we would just go around buying. What do you need? Oh, I was looking to get speakers to play GTA. They're 400. I have them here at 2 o'clock. I want 200 cash. Done. That was your day. You just made 200. Where's the Quaaludes? Where's the bitches? And where's the half gram of Jibo? Keep it moving. Keep it moving. So when I got to Boulder, I told my buddy, things are hard out here. It's wide open. Ain't nobody doing shit out here. I can live like a king out here. I can rob my fucking. So he sent me an envelope of credit cards. So I didn't know. I went to Boulder Mall. I was using them every day. Jewelry, Tony Montana suits. You should have seen me. I had this shitty apartment. It looked like fucking. Coming to America? Coming to America. I had everything in there. DVDs. One-foot speakers. Oh, my God. And I had a Chinese roommate. Yeah, a lot of Chinese guys. I know. He was Japanese. He was Japanese, so I called him Kato. He kept telling me, I need a job. I said, listen, I'll give you 20 a day. Go to Alfalfa's, get a pound of meat, and make me Szechuan beef. And that was his job. I'd give him like 10 for the meat and 20 to cook it. And he'd. Oh, my God. I was 22 years old, and I'm using these credit cards at this mall. I nearly sank the mall. All right? I was throwing credit cards away and going back there in the bush, getting them and using it still. Nobody ever called this card in. So finally, I get a call from Foot Locker. They go, you put an application in when you first moved here, like two months ago. I'm like, oh, shit, I'll take the job at Foot Locker. I get to the mall with one damn man. Some people come in with their kids and shit, and the lady's got her purse with the deposit bag sticking out. And the people are like. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I helped, and I saw, choo, I took the deposit bag. It was like 800 cash on a Saturday. That's a score. So the cops came in to investigate it, and one of the cops started looking at me, and he goes, bro, you fit the description of a guy that's been using a credit card around here. Is that you? A referee? I go, no, no. What are you talking? That's how it starts. Then he'd be coming every other week. We're nailing down the sizes of the clothes you bought. We're going to nail you pretty soon. And then he came in one Saturday to bother me, and the next Sunday I was on a plane to San Francisco. I never saw this bitch again until I turned myself in in 87. He's one of the cops, and he's looking at me weird, but he ain't figuring it out. Did you know at that time that you were like, it's him? I know it's him, and God forbid he remembers this credit card thing. Disconnected with the kidnap, and I'm definitely going away for a while. For months we'd be in court, and you could see him. Trying to piece it together. He was one of these lurchy dudes. That was big with the military hair doing shit. He had like a peanut for a brain. He kept looking at me, scratching his head like, I know this motherfucker. And finally we went to court, and I went to jail. And then I thought that was done. When I got out, I would see him, and he'd go, they let you out too early. I'm going to catch you again. Fuck. What's with this guy? He's got a heart on his throat. He's just a Boy Scout. Like Brian Dennehy with Rambo. Yeah, he was confused. Some of these cops, they're very nice, but they think they're going to save the world. Listen, just work your shit out. Oh, he was, right. Work your shit. He was, right. You weren't stealing. No, he was right, but I'm not going to give you the opportunity to catch me. He even showed up at my, I got, I went to prison in 88. This motherfucker showed up at one of my divorce hearings in 94. What? To go against me, because my ex-wife called him to verify he's crazy. I'm like, yeah, I'm crazy. So what are you going to do about it? What's he know? He's a fucking cop. He's not a psychiatrist. What the fuck does he know? Man, this guy didn't like you. Did not like me. But that's the only cop I ever had a problem with. Yeah. I feel like cops love you. You got goodwill with cops. Yeah. You're a guy cops like, and you're a guy who likes cops. Dog about three months ago on a Monday night, I got a couple of edibles in my ex. I just finished up the, what are you bothering me for? I got an appointment on Wednesday. Who gives a fuck? Every two hours, you got an appointment on Wednesday. That's tomorrow. Oh, with the reminders? Yeah, with the reminders. Reply one for yes, two for no. And CVS Pharmacy. Jesus Christ. All day, all day, CVS. Two more days, we're going to give the prescription. Yeah, two more days. Shut the fuck up. We could deliver it for you. Leave me alone. It's a lot. It's a CVS is over. Oh, my God. I thought the receipts were bad. You guys are fucking nuts. I'm going to come in there. I'm going to wait 20 minutes in line. You're not going to have it filled, and you're going to fill it up. I go through the drive-thru like a pimp. I like it. They got a nice drive-thru, 10 to fucking 8. I got all day to pick. And it's across from my favorite Italian restaurant. So I'm killing two birds with one stone. I got to go to CVS. I got to get some lobster. I got to take these to a food day. His lips started quivering when he said that. He likes them. You had me. I'm in. Good shit. Stuffed shells. What are we talking about? I don't even know. We all got stuffed shells on the brain now. We all think about red sauce. Oh, man. How do you feel? Are you using chat GPT? How do you feel? I don't even know how to use that shit. I'm an old man. The credit card thing. Just think if, like, technology and, like, all this stuff. Like, you see. You can't even do anything in Manhattan anymore. The camera's everywhere. Yeah, you can't. It was the 80s. It was, like, wide open. And here's the beauty thing. The guy I was getting the cards from, he worked with a lady at a bank. And it was basically, Foley got a new credit card. They made two copies. Yeah. They sent one to Foley, and they sent one to this guy. It was a perfect scam. You ran into a thing at the store. I'm going to tell you what they were doing a lot. They were getting credit cards. As soon as you got the credit cards, You got on a plane. He went to JFK and got on a plane to California because in those days, when they reported a credit card, it was only reported still on the East Coast for 24 hours. And for 48 hours, the next time zone. So you had three days to use that card before the alert came out on you. And then even if the card was, listen, I walked around with a card that was done. But I would use it for Chinese lunches. You know, like the Chinese lunch, 10 bucks, a fucking egg roll, a bowl of soup. I'd go in there all day because I'm the 50. They can't run them. But they would look in a book to see if it was stolen. Come on. There's a thousand numbers in that book. So I would eat on the arm every day with the same credit card. Some days throwing some spare ribs. I'm feeling froggy today. You couldn't do it because that's how they nailed you. They nailed you on the using it if they caught you. But they nailed you on with the clerk. Yeah. The clerk had to remember. Yeah. Okay. So now with the cameras. Yeah, you're done. You're pretty much fine. And they know it instantly. Dude, I used to work at Macy's. I remember people. That was like you had to look out. You had to ask for IDs, stolen credit cards, this whole nine. And this is in fucking 2008, 9, 10, whatever. And people would come in and they would scan. They'd try. They'd buy one thing and go like, hey, let me see if this works for like a pair of socks. And I'd go, yeah, $5.99. They'd go, oh, shit, I forgot. I need. $1,000 in gift cards. I'd go, whatever you need, bud. It's a bit. It's a bit. But it's true. It's like that's what they would do. They'd come in and they'd test it to see if their credit card worked. And if it worked, then I'd let them do it. They'd go, oh, I need. They'd go get the Hugo Boss jeans or the gift cards. They'd come back to me. I'd go, I don't give a fuck, dude. It's crazy. Uncle Joey loves to scan. It's crazy how I. I paid $8 an hour. Kevin's talking about Mars, man. Mars, man, baby. Listen, I could tell you firsthand. I'm a 50-year-old guy. Things start slowing down. The body starts slowing down. Power it down. And here's the crazy thing. I'm in the best shape, which I know that's pathetic, that I've been in 10 years. Uh-huh. Okay? I'm walking. I'm doing this. Some days I feel good. Some days I feel bad. 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They placed all the valves and cleaned off the barnacles and they did everything. And he was just a thief. This kid was just. I respect you. He was robbing his own company. Like his own company. His own father's company. They knew the equipment was going to be there. Sure. Eight o'clock. I'm going to go rob it and take it to fucking Newark to sell it for the pound. I mean, this kid was a genius at this shit. But one thing he taught me at that age was counterfeit money. Okay. He always got counterfeit fifties and counterfeit hundreds and shit. And we would go out at night. But he always had a hard time because he was a fucking idiot. He said that so. He would go into stores and the guy would look at. You know, you can't. You can't buy a dollar soda and give the guy a hundred at a boutique in Brooklyn. And he's not going to give you a change. So I devised a system that was better. I'd go right in and tell you, listen, this is a fake hundred. Take 50 for yourself and give me 50 cash. Nobody knows nothing. I just made him a partner. And it worked every fucking night because who doesn't want a 50 piece? Again, I come into you with a stolen credit card. I had a girl at Lord & Taylor, a girl I grew up with, was like a big time at Lord & Taylor. Anytime I got a credit card, I brought it to her first and I said, buy yourself something. Whatever you want, 300, 400, buy it. And then she would buy it. I knew the card was good and we'd go rob and she'd call to see how much limit I had after I bought her something. So I almost, I always made the sales associate a partner. Smart. Jesus. Why not give him a taste? You're robbing, it's not going to cost you a fucking dime. Yeah. So give him half of it. If I come to a stripper and I go, I got a fake hundred, give me 50 and you keep 50. Watch that bitch go to another guy and go, you got a hundred, I'm going to change mine. And get, I mean, they're fucking brilliant. So strip clubs at that time, fucking bodegas, listen, it's a fake hundred. You could see the president's got a mustache. If you can't figure it out, it's George Washington with a biker dip. A biker dip. Nobody gets hurt. Oh my God, that's fucking great. Fucking hilarious. What would you be doing? If you were young, if you were that guy today? I would probably, I would learn some different, somebody would have taught me something. Stocks. You'd have to be in some, you'd be skimming some sort of Bitcoin something. There's always some poor bastard to rob. And with the computer, forget about it. With the computer, there's a thousand scams how to make a million dollars, legit. But there's more scams on the computer, you know, three days, want to grab a picture of Joe Rogan. And he disappears. He'd be selling a bunch of fucking- He's calling a picture, an autograph, and he's going to call you for 10 minutes, $10,000. See how many idiots sign up for that program. I'll get six idiots. He already thought of that shit. I'll send you, I'll send you, I'll send you a headshot with said, "Fuck you, stupid." That's the only thing you get. That's Joe's 401k. But how many fucking people, I can say anything. I'm going to hook you up with whatever, give me 10k and fucking, you get a headshot, a fucking autograph. And we'll make a 10 minute deal. Yeah. I'll make a 10 minute call and tell you what's wrong with your life and shit and fucking. Now you don't call tomorrow. Tomorrow. Who are you going to get to do the voice? There's got to be six idiots. CVS will be calling. That'll send you $60,000. Your prescription's ready. Six idiots that'll go, "I want to talk to Joe Rogan on the phone. Gah, gah." And I just made myself $60. It's over. Then the next day, I open up a website, Joe Rogan t-shirts after he wore them on a workout. Kettlebells. Fucking, that's another 10 grand the next day. Because there's fucking people who will. I just had a friend. She's an idiot. I mean. I mean, I liked her for a long time. That's not a sound bite. I liked her for a long time, but she's a fucking idiot. She's 36 going on 20 between the cock and the stripping and the drugs and the kid, you know, the kid's like autistic, you know, that fucking got to wear you down. That shit rubs off on you. Can I remember? No, you don't want this girl's number. Hard as fuck, but you don't want her number. She's fucking crazy. I met her at the place where I go for health stuff and she wanted. No, I did, I did, I did, I did. I go there for cryo and hyperbaric change. I got you, yeah. And I met her there about two years ago. She's like, I want to do a podcast. I need help. All right. Fucking tried to help. It was a nightmare. But every time I met with her, she'd tell me a different story that would make me just sit there and go, what the fuck? Like, one day, we were hanging out, and she goes, something about, we were just talking, and she said something about A-Rab. You know, I said something about A-Rab. And she goes, did I ever tell you I dated a Muslim guy and he got me pregnant? And then they did this. I had to get another surgery. And I'm like, what the fuck? It was like three days before Christmas. I'm like, who you tell this story to on Christmas? And then she goes, it's my fault. She goes, it's my fault for dating a Muslim. I'm Jewish. I can't date a Muslim anyway. I'm like, okay. You know, that was the shit. My parents would never allow it. Those are all throwaway lines. Like, she's happy. And she just went. She got a rich boyfriend to buy her tickets for fucking whoever played at the Garden last night. Jay-Z? No, no. That's Yankee Stadium. I don't know. Who played at who played at the Garden? The last three, Ariana Grande. Ah. So she told me. She goes, I got tickets for Ariana Grande for my birthday. I can't find anybody to go. Because you're an idiot. With that ass and those titties, you can't find somebody to go. You'd be lying around the block. She's a fucking. So, you know, I wish her luck, whatever. Yesterday, I wake up Monday morning. I got two texts from her and a missed call. Call me back when you get a minute. Call me back. I didn't know what it was. I called her back. She goes, I went to the concert and the tickets were fake. And he bought $3,000. I go, well, then call him. What are you bothering me for? And she's like, I thought maybe you knew somebody. I don't know, buddy. I play the improv. They charge $17 ticket tax. I don't get a dollar. He's got an envelope with three grand? Yeah. I don't know nobody. He said, I play the improv. Yeah. $17 service ticket. I don't know what makes you think. I know anybody. I don't know anybody. You're fighting for a fucking door deal over here. Yeah. I'm trying to get a travel buyout. You're buying counterfeit tickets. And you're buying $3,000 worth of counterfeit tickets. And you want me to call Ariana Grande? I don't fucking know. Hit her up on DM her on fucking Instagram. Obviously, not to incriminate you. Not to incriminate yourself. But what is the last thing you stole? It could have been a pack of gold. I mean, a lot of people steal from the airport stuff. Are you doing any of that? I think it was some Ariana Grande tickets. Nothing. You're only up and up. And I love stealing. I mean, it's one of my favorite things in the world. It's like blowjob stealing. I love to steal them. Boats in County, New Jersey. We were raised and bred to steal. It's just that simple. We're like, I don't know. We're like CAA. We don't leave nothing on the table. There ain't nothing for you on the table after that. We'll leave you some bottled waters, maybe a bottle of gin. But after that, you know, you stole everything as a kid. My mom was a thief. As well off as she did. She believed in Cuba. If you shoplifted, it was good luck. So everybody got robbed. My mother would rob something stupid. She robbed a belt at the Catholic school. Jesus. Like the belt when you have to go to class. She said it was going to bring me good luck. Not the one at the altar that they bring before you. I think so. She stole the belt and kept it for the Mets. And every time she'd go to the Mets game, she'd play the belt. And they'd win. They lost like a playoff game in 73. And she told me, take that fucking kiss of death back to your church. That thing brought me bad luck. I'm like, bitch, you've been bringing it all season. The Mets got to the playoffs in 73. And now you're mad at the Mets because they didn't beat the Cincinnati Reds. Are you even like. Are you doing a self-checkout at all? What do you mean? At the cash. At the supermarket store. I mean, it's a shame that I'm such a good shoplifter. And in today's day and age, I can't shoplift. You can walk right out the door. Now you just pick up like a fucking ham and wave at the people. Wave at the Arabian. They can't stop you. They don't let it stop you. No, they can't stop you. But now I don't want to shoplift. For a long time after I cleaned my act up, I was robbing lighters from 7-Eleven. That's respectable. That's respectable. Keeps you sharp. Because I'm a magician. That's why they had to put the lighters behind the fucking thing. Hey, what's that over there? Yeah, I know how to take a finger, put it in my sleeve. You know, the whole fucking deal. I mean, listen. I was really good. I remember when I first moved to Boulder, I was doing shit like when Testa Verde, when Elway did the drive in 87. The whole mall was in the hallway looking at the TV. What do you think I'm doing? I'm in Radio Shack fucking unplugging the samples of fucking CD players. I walked out of there with a whole CD player, no box, no nothing. I had the remote in one hand and the CD player in the other arm. I was what you called a strong-armed soldier of death. I did it like it wasn't happening. I did it right in front of your face. Even when I was a kid, we'd go to Crazy Eddie's, 122 and Paramus, and I would walk up to the counter with the album I wanted to buy, but behind that was six albums I was shoplifting. Mm-hmm. So I would walk. I'd walk up to the counter and put the albums down, give him the album, pay. He'd give me one with a bag. Mm-hmm. I'd put the fucking bag down. I'd pick up the other. I worked this finger string. And I picked up the other six, and I'd turn the album around. So while I was walking out, all they saw was the bag. They didn't see the albums behind that. And that's something Crazy Eddie would appreciate. Yeah. And then there was a Pathmark by my house. And they started a record department. Why? I don't know. A record department? Pathmark? In North Bergen on Donnelly Avenue in 1981, they started a little record department next to the magazine store. So I would go in the daytime and put all the albums I wanted. They'd be watching them. And I would put it all the way by the end. Where the fence was, they'd just put a fence. I could still stick my hand in and take the albums out. So I'd put all my albums in position, like six or seven of them. I'd go there at night, get a gallon of milk, and fucking take the albums and walk out of there. It's amazing what people aren't watching. Yeah. It's fucking amazing. You'd think people are watching, but they're really not. They're really not. You know, these guys, Luigiini, whatever his fucking name is, Mangini, the guy who shot the CEO of the insurance company, shot him right in broad daylight. Never mind, 25 years ago, John Gotti and his crew shot down Paul Castellano at Spark Steakhouse on the other side of Manhattan, and nobody saw nothing during Christmas time at 5 o'clock. Allegedly. People see what they want to see. So it's really weird when you do that crazy stuff that you're basically a spirit in a room. You feel like you're going visible. That's a guy who can steal. We were talking about this last night, the shit I used to do as a kid. I loved stealing. Loved it. It was like a thrill. I don't give a fuck. Are you garbage? I'm fucking garbage. You know? You won't steal a Hudson News or nothing? Nothing. Nothing. I like that. He's done it. He's been there. So see, that's why when my windshield got broken, I didn't feel bad. I just kept watching the game because you need one of those every once in a while. Every once in a while, you got to pay a fucking vig for everything you did in life. It could be a fucking accident on a Monday morning when you're going to the dentist. It could be a flat tire, and you sit there and you want to curse it. Just look up and go, that's the time I fucked that chick in the ass and don't calm the fuck. Even though I had fucking the herb. You got to pay your part. No, and I never had the herb. I'm just saying, you'll know what you did. Of course. You'll know what you did. Yeah, it's in there. For that fucking thing. I could have lied to somebody. I could have sent somebody a phony fucking bracelet from the hospital. I love you. You know, it could have been a lot. No, it could have been a lot of things, but if you sit there and go, this fucking happened to me. It's over. You got to pay a vig every once in a while. You got to pay a vig for the universe. The universe is always watching. Sometimes it's just about, I came to New York a year ago. I was speeding up like, fucking Escobar up and down Broadway. I'm dodging lights. I get home a month later, I got like eight tickets. And in fact, a cop pulled me over and let me go. He's like, just slow it down a little bit. I didn't know they had lights on all these fucking things. I got home, I had a stack of, I didn't yell one time. I didn't try to fight it. I just paid the vig. It's a bad fucking day. We all make good money that we don't have to cry over, you know, how long are you going to be mad at me? How long are you going to be mad about a tire for? That's it. The deep, deep understanding of life. That's it. You just, every, you did something. The universe is always watching whether you're doing something good or something bad. How many times you do something good for somebody and they tell you to go fuck yourself? And you feel bad, but the universe remembers. This mother, it's like a cat. You ever kick a cat? They go under the bed and they ride on the note. This motherfucker kicked me and I'm going to shit in his fucking mouth one day when he's sleeping. Six months from now. Yeah, cat's right under the bed. That's why you don't do nothing. who told you that that's awesome Cuban that's Cuban mom I was going to hatch right into the They're right under the bed. They go under the bed, and this motherfucker shit next to me, and it smelled like a billy goat. I'm going to have to shit next to him one night and let him know what it feels like. He's been eating sushi for three days. Cat shit will get you. Huh. Jeez. You're a fucking, you're one of the most interesting guys there, Joey. When was the last time you smoked a cig? Two weeks ago in Austin, Texas. Very nice. Still bang every now and then. You'll get one every now and then. It tastes good. But, you know, three days later, my emphysema comes back. I got to fucking hit a valve every morning for two dick. I'm eating pussy, and all you hear is little whistles. You snore? Yeah, I got to sleep at night. As he's gone. I asked him. Nah, I sleep like a baby. We're both, you know, we're both bigger guys. Snore, smoke for a long time. Whole nine yards, obviously, same boat. Would you ever do that? That implant thing? I think my sleep apnea is, that's a trick they get you with. I like the whole sleep apnea. Again, idiots. You and I, tonight, you and me, all three of us could devise a mouthpiece. Get a commercial, $50 a day, and go on every night and say, me and these three guys developed this with a Korean scientist. You put this in your lung. Listen, sleep apnea. I own all, I bought all the things. Yeah, you did. I bought the ramp. Everybody does. Uh-huh. Because they don't want to go to a doctor and get a fucking prescription. You're right. So you think you're going to buy all, you think you're going to, oh, the Korean mouthpiece, the fucking this, that, the Turkish fucking finger up the ass. The Korean something? Yeah, it's always something. Just go get the fucking machine, you fucking idiot. Shout out to ResMed. Yeah, go get the fucking ResMed. Oh, my God. Woo. Woo. And now I can't get a prescription. This is like a fighter pilot. All right, but then it's a communist move, too. Because every year they. I was about to go Chinese. Every year. Every year the insurance makes you take a sleep study test. Next time you go to the sleep study doctor, he's going to go, when was the last time you got a sleep study test? And you'll think about me. If you don't take that test, because it's such a nightmare, they take the mask off you and they put all those wires on you, then they fucking chill you to death, then they cut you off. You finally fall asleep and they cut the fucking oxygen off on you. It's a nightmare. So I did it one time. I can never do it again. I've been in that room smelling cologne the whole week. I went to like six of them. What do you mean? Smelling other dudes? You know, because they go in there and they don't fucking vacuum the room or whatever. You're just going in there to sleep and they're watching you with a bunch of tubes. It smells like piss. So fucking. The last one I did, they threw me out after an hour because I'm not going to sleep without the machine. I'm not doing that to myself at this point, which means you can't get another machine. Insurance will not give you another. So you'll go get a new test. I got an answer for you. Talk after the show. No, I did what you did. Okay. I went on a Chinese. I go. I got the exact same machine. I got two, three machines, two travel ones. Well, one travel one and one backup. The one goes, I got one ready to fucking rock. I got the mask, got the whole thing. Yeah. We went on secondhand marketplace and bought the same fucking machine. Set up automatic. Set up automatic. So all this bullshit they make you go through for insurance. Just to bang your insurance to all the people. I'm paying three grand a month for fucking insurance. I got no sag. Sag left me out to fucking dry. So I got no fucking insurance. So, you know, I'm not doing all that shit. Sure. Plus you, you, you, now I've been using the mask for so long. I go to sleep without it. I wake up fucking the fuck. Do you go to sleep without it? If I fall asleep, if I like happen to fall asleep without, I wake up. Oh yeah. Yeah. It sucks. Do you put a little oxygen in your water? Well, actually in my water, water in the oxygen, you go to fucking whatever health food store and you get that extra purple oxygen drops and you put them in there. Okay. I haven't been using the water. I just raw dog. No, no, no. Put the water in. I did the same shit for years. You wake up with blisters in your mouth. You think you're eating some fucking hookers asshole up on a hundred and fucking 78th street. You got more blisters than fucking Bonnie blue. Shout out to her. Oh Jesus. You clean yours? Yeah. I clean mine. Yeah. Cause you get really, but then that company, they canceled it. They had a company that you put the water in. They put the wire in the mask and at night, like a barber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever go to the barber, they have that chemical in there. The automatic. My dad had it. Yeah. All of a sudden they went out of business. Uh huh. So something. There was some, there was some fungus or bacteria or something was building up in there. Yeah. I don't know. It sounds not playing ball. Uh, I mean, I got a couple of, you know, one or two left here. I mean, you know, how do you feel about this Savannah bananas? Don't have any idea what that is. And don't talk to me like that. Fair enough. I'm glad you're living a life. You don't notice Savannah bananas. It's in his world, man. Uh, he is the world. I know. Um, let's say you go out to dinner, right? Let's say we all went out to dinner, right? The three of us, we decide we're paying, right? I go, they drop the check. We, we go and we pay. Are you, how many times are you going? Are you fake reaching for it? Or are you just going to let us grab it? I'll go grab it. I'll try to grab it myself. And we say, no, no, no. Well, how many times will you do that? No, I'm not going to argue with you. I'll just give the guy the card, you know, but I'll, if you buy dinner, I'll leave a double tip. Okay. The fuck is wrong. It's like people that go to a restaurant and they get everybody's patient for your dinner. You don't leave nothing for the waiter. Cause somebody paid for your dinner. I leave them the amount of the dinner mark. So whatever I was going to pay for that dinner with my wife and my daughter, I leave. I leave to the fucking, really? Yeah. Why not? Everybody needs a fucking break. Everybody wants to score one day, right? Everybody. And your job is to make everybody's day one time. That's beautiful. Okay. Your job is to make somebody laugh one time. A homeless guy, you give him a five instead of a one, one time. That's it. That's your job as a human being. Cause I could told Joe we're in the karma business. We're not in the comedy business. We're in the karma business. You see people. People were shithead. Look at McGregor. He's in the car. He's in the karma business. You saw what happened. So what happened? And I'm not mad at them or anything like that, but we're in the karma business as comedians. I love going into a store and seeing an 80 year old lady and going, you sexy bitch. If I was 10 years young, I fucking take you to the hoop. And they're like, Oh, stop it. You just made her blush. Her husband, he hasn't complimented her in a year. She's 80. Who gives a fuck? You know, she's got dust on her pussy. No sweat off my back. She ain't got, you ain't got. Take this old broad for a run. You know, anybody, you just make their day. And that fucking increases your day by a hundred percent. You got 10 bucks. A homeless guy asks you for a dollar. You give him five. Forget it. Then you're like, I'm left with five bucks. Watch what happens. Watch what happens between three hours. That's when you two motherfuckers call me and take me for the best steak ever. That's Smith and Walensky. And then I won't, I won't have, I only have a $5 tip for them and shit. You think we're going to space? Would you go to space if you could? I've been to space, motherfucker. I've been to space, Jupiter, fucking Ludeville, Cokeville. There's no credit card machine. Yeah. I've been to planets. These motherfuckers. What's his name? E-Roy Smith. E-Roy Smith. What's his name? Elon Musk. Whatever the fuck. E-Roy Smith. That Martian-looking motherfucker. He's a Martian himself. Fucking E-Roy, whatever his fucking name is. That might be the funniest thing I've ever heard. E-Roy Smith. Look at him. He kind of made up Chinese. He's got bitches. He doesn't even care. He's got a kid that's a half a tranny. He don't care about that. That's an alien. He's AI himself. Oh, God. Uncle Joey, I think you figured it all out. E-Roy. I really think you figured life out. Man. I haven't figured shit out. If I figured something out, I wouldn't be here with you. God fucking. I'd be in India getting my ass eaten right now with a snake. Eating a fucking hot dog. Me and E-Roy Smith. Bringing some breads to India. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Mr. Joey Diaz. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. You can hear him every week on the Church of What's Happening Now. You got dates coming up? I got the Brooklyn Improv tomorrow night. Nice. Which I don't know if you'll come out. And then I got Oceans the 7th and the 8th of August. Shout out to Oceans. And I'm fucking real. You guys open that weekend? Where are you motherfuckers at? That's it. You're done. Yeah. You're around somewhere. We're around. I might have a little party down there. Let us know. I know you guys don't live down there, do you? No. We're here. Your families. We're all over the place. Yeah. We're from Philly. Okay. So, yeah. Close-ish. Always like a drive. Gang, thanks for everything. Check out the Patreon. I'll run out to New York. And fucking. We love you. Why are you doing this? Because you wear it. What the fuck? You just went radio silent. I shot a peptide today. I don't know what happened. I forgot we were here. Yeah, no shit. That's why I stepped in, bozo. Gang, Uncle Joey, we love you. I looked over your phone. I love you motherfuckers, too. Chippy, I love you. Yeah, I love you, Uncle Joey. Gang, I love you. We love you, and we'll see you next week. Peace.