Joey Diaz almost drowned in Miami!

[MUSIC] Kicks this motherfuckin' newly. [MUSIC] What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, getting old hits hard. But you fight it with Bob's natural. Bob's natural collagen peptides help you turn the clock back and restore collagen levels to what your body had in its youth. This collagen powder has zero sugars, sweeteners, or fillers. It dissolves in any liquid without taste or clump, clump. Third-party lab tested, NSF certified, whole-thirty approved. This stuff is clean, trustworthy, and sustainably sourced. Listen, I put in a couple protein shakes. Let's see what happens. A couple weeks, I might look like Bella Figura over here. And there will be a jump on the Bob's natural. Listen, Bob's natural just doesn't make the best collagen peptides in the world. They have electrolytes, supplements, MCT oil, cream, and more. Live better longer for a limited time, church listeners. Are getting 20% off Bob's natural by using cold church at checkout, CHURCH. So just head to Bob's natural.com, B-U-B-S, natural's.com. Use cold church, CHURCH, and you're all set. After you purchase, they'll ask you how you heard about them. Tell them that the church pointed you in the direction, all right? Happy new year, everybody. What's happened? It's December 30th. You got one more beautiful day. And this year, and I'm here, well, I can't call them a Cato. No more. You know what I'm saying? He's my little Cato of love. Lisa Iat. What's up? And our little co-host tonight, Becky Z, coming into your living room for the final podcast of the year. What's up, gentlemen, ladies? You doing good? How are you, Becky? I'm good. You're not taking a weekend off from getting married. There's no day, there's no, dude, we did the podcast for eight years now, I think, for the first six. We didn't even take Christmas off. We didn't take enough. No. No. We'll like to come. We don't call. I didn't even ask. We don't call. Christmas Day. You didn't take Christmas Day off. It just, no. I'm just the week of. We would do it Mondays and Wednesdays usually, Sundays and Wednesdays. But yeah, I didn't even, I'm saving, I'll save the ask for a big trip. So, fuck it. I did the wedding. That's why I did it in New York. If I had done a wedding like in Italy or something or India, I wouldn't even send him an invite. Well, then no, we didn't Brooklyn. I'm happy to be here. Can you imagine if I sent you, if I sent you an invite asking you to come to India? I should have done it. You're lucky, I came to fuck. I know. Dude, I didn't think you were coming. I asked George. That snow storm was a bust because they were supposed to cancel the wedding and everybody woke up the next day. God damn it. We got to go to Brooklyn now. God damn it. I guess it was the first one there. Who? George. Oh, please. I believe it. I fucking believe it. I couldn't bring an eggplant sandwich. I couldn't bring an eggplant. And that mystery made cocktail. First of all, they did not that was mystery me. So much shit about the shrimp. And then the shrimp was good. I didn't. They had shrimp. But that was it. I was like, Gilligan, I'm like, I shrimp. But the wild cocktail, our mother, fucker. No, no, no, pop. Then they showed up. We're broccoli. What would they? No broccoli. They call it flower. Oh my God. The entire goddamn menu. Fanny said that she tasted a nacho. There was a nacho. There's an Indian nacho, yeah. Lamb with lentil. She said, show more shit. The pants. It's got to run. Good. First of all. And then they brought the Jew food out late. No wonder your mother didn't show. They treated the Jews like shit. That's why. Oh my God. And she saw it coming. That Asian. We had Asian food. What Asian food? Those cold noodles with the cup of the salad with it. No, the fuck was that shit? Two kind of dumplings. Bring the fuck out. I didn't even see those pancakes. That was $10.30 at night after the Jews fucking. You had the party for the Hindus and then you forgot about the white people and the Jews. You had a little fucking squares. People were eating them, throwing them up. Somebody was throwing them around like a fucking one of those things and road warrior moving all the little boomerangs. Oh, oh my God. But the good thing was I lost $250. That was good. You know, I don't say that it was how it was a I had a casino there that you didn't actually have to put real money. That's why I said I lost $250. I lost $250. First of all, you would know because you're the king of the Jews. So you were fucking looking, but it was good. I had a good time. I kept winning black, black, black. Yeah, because I got weird saying my wife. She doesn't like dancing and we both like to gamble. So it's like, fuck it. Let's just have that. Did you see it? Were you there for the magician or you leave already? I don't stay for magicians. I left during the Irish people. Oh, yeah, once I saw the Motley crew come in, it was over. Indians, no food, Motley crew. What the fuck? God damn it. No food. One shrill, three shrimp. The most expensive. We could about a car for the amount of money we spend. Well, you should have gotten fucking heard of cook it. We should have fucking a load when that motherfucker had a cauliflower. Taco. Yeah, we had to have some veggie shit. We also had chicken tacos. No, there was no chicken. That was that was like Indian chicken. That was like. There was an Indian station, a Mexican station, an Asian station and a Jewish station. You had to wait 45 minutes in between. It's called cocktail hour. I don't know shit about this stuff, but it's fucking cocktail hour. It's food. That's all we know. You sit. They bring your salad and then they don't stop after that. You were just talking before the podcast started about how old people can't. What is the alligator doing? Well, but all people don't know what's going on. Oh, she's just pending the alligator. I took too many animals for that. But no, it's the, we didn't want like a stuffy, like we pass around terrible food. It was supposed to be like a food haul. Everyone hanging out. She made marshmallows. We had a good. Oh, my God. I was waiting. No sandals. I promised you no sandals, not one sandal in the house. He kept talking shit and your brother came up. I thought that acid. He looked like you on AIDS. Oh, I know. I'm fucking kept looking back. I'm like, wow. These motherfuckers holy shit. Oh, yeah, he looks just like. If he had a AIDS, like if he went to Brooklyn and got a bad batch of asshole. Oh, yeah. That's what he looked like. What would I look like if I got a good batch of asshole? Oh, my God. Yeah, he did. And he had some cool juice there, but the Jews were looking at me for support. I'm like, dog. I don't know why you're for support. They were looking at the cube. I'm like, what's the fucking food? I'm like, even your cousins. No, you just sat at the table. They were wild around the table. They were sitting at the table. Don't tell me you had a goddamn table. There was lady with the missing two and they kept giving a shrimp. And your cousins and the servers had a missing two. Oh, my God. Yeah. And your cousins like, where's the food? I'm like, I don't know. It's a fucking Hindu wedding. They forgot about the Jews. They came out with four fucking pastrami sliders at the end of the night. Like four of them. No, not at the end. I had four Jews took them and I was in. Where's the food? They had lockies. They had pizza. Pizza. Yeah, Caesar salad. They had everything. There was a lot of fuck. I didn't get any of it. Thank God. You were an idiot. When I smoked that bathroom, I thought you got those lamb lentil fucking nachos. I didn't try any of the Indian things. Jesus Christ. But, dude, do me a favor. Anyone watching this? If you're going to get married, a lope. It was a great time. I'm happy we did it, a lope. Because this is my wife's second marriage. She told me, but I didn't listen. If you're ever getting married, a lope. It is, you'll save a ton of money, a ton of heartache, so much work. A lope is the best thing that you can do. Listen, we don't have that word. We're the wedding. Like anything else in life, you're never going to please nobody. Right. What happened was, and yes, I'm old. But this is the evolution I see of a fucking wedding. Now you either like, you're aunt. Yeah. How you doing, mate? We decided to put. We're going to move the wedding into the Dominican Republic. I felt so bad because don't. It was the first time I came out of my mind. Don't send me an invite. I have to call it out in apology. I hit her up on Christmas day, but church was in the call with her. You know, and I just told her, I'm not doing it. Well, I think people do that so that people don't come, but they send gifts. No, they won't listen. Everybody wants people in Ireland. So you could tell everybody you dressed in white and walked around. That's not a fucking wedding. That's a fucking work. That's work. Like, let's say, back these friends with your wife. Right. And I'm dating Becky and Becky goes, we have to go to a white. I'm going to talk Becky. Not in a fucking million years. Not in a million years. I don't know these people. I'm going to sit there looking around for three hours. You know, like where'd I go wrong? How do I end up here? Listen, with today's world and the cost today. I'm getting married at three. You could come or you could don't come. But if you have a marriage wedding like you had, it's to get that money to buy out. And even then, like, we, that's it. We're very thankful. Thank you. Everyone here brought gifts, but like there are some people, some like family members didn't like leave envelopes, but I have to. Yeah. Oh, it was only good news. And listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Here's what people don't consider about anything. And it spends. And it's not your fault. It's not nobody's fault. It's the woman that you don't grab by the hair and say, what are you thinking? I love you to death, but this is way out of control. And I'm not talking about you, Lee. I'm talking about the weddings with the pigeons and the fucking. Oh my god. You got to go somewhere and we want to be a white elephant. And you know, all pigeons get loose. Meanwhile, he's fucking the maid already. Oh my god. You know, and yeah, look at the black chick from the view. She got the wedding. Yeah. And the black dude was fucking the maid once she got married. You know, came out like a year later. He disappeared. He was banging the maid already. You know, but you made people come and some guy would have trumped it and I got to let out a hundred pigeons and make believe I'm interested. Why are you doing this? And you have to look at your wife and go, listen, I have to be honest with you, unless you're sucking that dick, nobody cares. No, don't care. And it's also like, don't tell you they care, but they don't, and I understand that because guess what? I don't give a fuck about why your wife wants for a wedding. And that's why you have a mutual thing like this is what we're going to do. Let's do this amount. Let's make 18 people, 18 people like our audition dinner. What's that shit tonight before? I rehearsed with them. Yeah. Even that was fucking expensive. Oh, yeah. They're back to throw it now. And how the fuck don't you? She's a fucking chef. Yeah, but she has enough to do. On top of cooking. It's so crazy. The cost. Oh my god. You know, I can't imagine what you paid for the food. I can't even imagine. And you and I both know I'm looking at each other. It was too much. Yeah, dude. We could have paid. We could buy a Toyota for what we paid for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want not like a, not like I used to. And there wasn't enough food there to fill a Toyota. No, there wasn't a battery. You may be like a B210 from 1976 with the 2C that may be. But that's what it is. And women and families have to make like listen, man, we're going to put out. And I hate to say this. We're going to put out 25,000 for a wedding. But we're getting back 75 grand so you can have 50 to go back to your fucking house. You say we have do dog. I know it's not 25 grand in New York wouldn't give you. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. It is crazy what they charge it. If you like George, like our buddy George who's always here is a frame or by trade. You could make a million dollars a year just just doing wedding stuff. The amount of money that they charge for anything out of wedding is criminal. It is crazy. And they know why? Why do they do that? Because because you're fucked. You have to do it. You love because you're under the ether. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. We can do it until that fucking bill comes in and you're like, fuck. Oh my god. Even like the we got the space we got was nice. But it was the cheapest we could find. That's like we went to some places that wanted to charge like 15, 20 grand just for the space just to have it there. Like the open bar was nice. I tipped the guy 20. He brought me ginger ale's all night. Like Papi La Pue. He was welcome to me. We had open because those Jews, those Indians, they were up there without bows. Nobody was getting a dime. I think some guy left like a nickel and stuff like that. I told the guy go get a fucking cup out. I told the guy. Oh yeah. Where's your tip cup? He goes, we use it. He's varmints. Little tip cup out. And I put a 20 in this or we could see it. I go because he's motherfuckers. Oh yeah. They all got long pockets and short arms. They're not going to give you a dime. And they're up and they're up here ordering. You know, I was watching them. I'm breaking ginger ale. They better up their order. And now let me get this. And I'm like, and now one of them went in their pocket. They just took the drinks and turned around. I'm like, oh, that's cold blooded. Dude, and we saved, I can't, we saved thousands of dollars by buying the booze ourselves. We went to Costco and brought it for, because if they had brought the booze, holy shit. Dude, it is, it is great. I'm happy. It's, oh, it's cool. Let me, I was thinking about you about the story of you taking the money at the bar mitzvah. And I was, I was thinking like, I know you don't steal anymore. You're a formed man. But like, did you ever get the urge? Like I could see that. I'm a reform man. I'm not going to take a purse. But I see 15 grand. It's gone. I'm not going to go to seven. Let me take a lie there. Right. I'm not going to go to CVS to steal a box of condoms. But I will fucking, if I see 15 grand in that below. Oh my god. That bitch is mine. And I'll look at them with a straight face, bro. I would never steal your envelope. Is that? Is the cat what cat Williams who had the joke about helping like eating his son cereal and helping him look for it? You're probably helping them look for the envelope. I see what's going on here. Holy shit. That was, I'm glad everyone came. It was a lot of fun. I'm going to Vegas for a couple of days just to it's too cold to go anywhere. So we're just going to go to Vegas for a couple of days. I'm excited. I'm back. I'm very sorry. We I met you after all the invites have been sent out. I feel terrible that you weren't invited. But No, yeah, please don't. I don't feel like we know each other well enough. Well, we're waiting. We took a nap in the same room. So we got we know each other. We know Becky's been on the road with us and you've been doing great. Becky's been hysterical on the road. Yeah, he didn't invite me to his wedding. I'm sorry. Becky, what's the story? When you get married, you're going to have a big wedding. I don't think I want to get married. Why not? I feel like it's not necessary. How old are you, Becky? 27. Yeah. I give you five more years and then you're going to get a choppy Jewish guy. What's the point of getting married? I don't get it. Sorry. No, no, no, no, no, that's not how long. Well, you don't have to get married. He's just be like, Hey, come stay at my house. Who? I don't know. I'll tell you. I'll see, we'll see. I'll tell you like, I mean, because Anisha had been married before. And she, she didn't need it. And it wasn't good. No, it wasn't. Thank God. Well, for me, but like, I don't, I think if with kids, if you don't have kids, I think you probably could, like you say money on taxes being married. Okay. But if you have kids, I think it's good to be like a family here. It is plain and simple. I got divorced and I was like, never again. Not even fucking close. I'll date. I'll do this. I live with somebody, but never again. Never fucking again. And then it was weird. I started getting older. And I know a woman isn't that piece to their marriage. Like they don't give a fuck about anything else. As long as you marry him. And it didn't have to be a big thing. You know, and I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I had no fucking idea. All right. I could tell you I know what I was doing, but I had no fucking idea. I just, it was time to do a good deed. You know, when she was really good to me, and I loved her and she loved me. Let's get married. I didn't know how to feel about a kid, but I had no choice. It's not like people were planning a child to go fuck yourself. I don't know nothing. I'm 50 years old. I don't know what I'm planning. Right. Then you have a child. And then you're like, well, whatever happens, but I'm gonna tell you what happens. Do you see these comedians acting up the last couple months? I see a lot of them. What do you mean you're acting up a couple a lot of months, count the ones that don't have kids or don't aren't married? Oh, probably. Yeah. And definitely, I'll tell you this, Becky, because like growing up by 20, when I was your age, when I was 27, like when I was growing up, I thought I'd be married by 27, like being not married at 27 was old. But now, like for like my generation in probably years, two, like I'm so happy that I waited. Nothing against any of my exes, but like I just, I'm very happy that I married who I married. And I didn't like, because I see a lot of people who like get married in like their early 20s. And then by the early 30s, the divorce, because like they, you, you're changed so much. And I'm very happy that I waited. Because if I hadn't thinking back to any, I don't know who knows. I don't think I'd be as happy. I don't, because you see some married couples who just fucking hate each other. They're just like depressed. It's, it's not, like it's, so I don't think, you know, at 27, I don't think you're weird for not wanting to get married right now. Do you date a lot? Are you just focusing on stand up? Just stand up right now. It's probably, is that, did you date before or not really? I mean, I have, but like it's not, God, I just, I just feel like getting, I feel like getting married is kind of weird. No. That's not a weird. You look at it. It's the way it is. What is that? You look at it kind of weird. And I know right now, you know, thank God you don't have the urge, because I think you got a good shot of being a great comic. But at the same fucking time, listen, man, I come home some nights, and I'm like, this sucks. And there's two people in my house. Yes. And this sucks, you know, I'm just telling you, like, and then I see these people, I'm doing comedy You imagine being fucking 60 living grown up in a hotel every fucking night And now you have nothing you have 50 million dollars and we know a couple people like that right on the top I know three guys that probably worth 50 billion million dollars But they go home to an empty fucking house man, right? That's 50 million ain't worth it Right, you know when I was 30 I grew up watching fucking Charles Bronson movies. I'm not fucking never had a girlfriend So I'm like, I'm never gonna have a girlfriend my Charles Bronson Then in hard times you got like a girl. He would go over there once a week. I'm like, I That's seen but he always had that little Charles Bronson apartment And I could see myself being content what I was younger and I didn't know And I didn't go through what I'm going through now and what I see I See comics because I know that With no children, no wives, no nothing Fucking hard man. It's lonely. It's lonely. And you know what man? I'll tell you there's a book. I read that people hate and It's a chapter in that that he breaks down life It's Sammy the book Ravano's book And he goes you could run by yourself for a long fucking time and do pretty well, but at some point You have to connect with somebody to take it to the next level. He meant the mob You know what I'm saying like he meant the mob like he was a car thief whatever he ran a club He did all this shit, but nothing mattered until he joined the family He goes, yeah, I had to give half my profits away But I got more work. It gave me a green light to even make more money and I didn't take it as joining the mob. I take it as anything you could run for years and at some point Trust me because I never thought I was gonna put my life in anybody's hands You'll go you know what it's that time. You might be 32 You might be 41 you might be 44 like I did But at some point you got to go. I'm coming in and I think because when I'm in you and your wife are very happy I'm not saying you were joking before about it being but I think Because I've been in relationships replaces where you don't want to go home because you're like god I don't want it like being home with them stinks or like we're fighting or we don't like each other that much But if you're all if you're alone all the time, it gets a little weird mentally It'd be in the fucking solitaire we can find yeah, why do you think I go to the gym in the morning and talk to people Why do you think I fucking do something out of my I don't want to do I force myself Because I looked into it. I read into it. What happens when you get old? They fucking tell you to get a dog Yeah, and that means I got to walk around and wait for the dog to shit. That's not my idea for them Still not talking to nobody. I'm talking to a dog. Come on. Hurry up. It's cold out. I want to go back and do that I want to go back and watch landman whatever the fuck You know yeah, but it's just so I don't know it's weird because when I like even even now I was gonna say when I was back these age, but I love being by myself like I love being by myself. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't mind. There's all about. Oh, I love marijuana, but I don't even without marijuana. I have a good time by myself But and I don't know I wish I had any relationship in advice for anybody, but At least so far Like the the thing that stood out about Indonesia is like I I haven't in a in the time we've been together. I've never been sitting there like god she's annoying or like god I wish I could just watch what I want to watch or like it's I don't know And cuz and so like I think it's good that you're that you're not rushing into it. Yeah, I just I don't think about it It's a lot easier for like chubby dudes to be like I'm I'm an in-sell. I'm not gonna date like you like a uh as a pretty girl You must have to like do you even have dating apps or you're not even on it right now. I'm not on it. I just don't Jesus girls. I can just lose a fucking life. I'm just doing comedy. He's a Chinese hippie. I am. I'm just I I like it. It's it's fun not having somebody Well, I'm gonna tell you something I'm gonna tell you something right off the bat There is no way I Could have done what I didn't calmly Those first nine years with somebody Yeah, I dated somebody for four years at the end No, I did you know should we live together should but there's no way the first five years what I was doing Was not normal It's this life It's this what we do and if you're gonna meet somebody you're gonna meet him at a bar doing comedy You're not gonna meet him at the library. This is your whole life for five or six years This is it your day job and the one day you figure out a way to quit that motherfucker And now this is it all fucking day So those first couple years it's very rough because you have to think about that it's like me now Like me now You know, I can't fucking leave Friday Saturday and Thursday. I can't I'm too far deep into the fabric of that hole For seven years. I did it when that mercy was younger. She didn't know what was going on Now I can never pull that off. I wish I could I wish there was somewhere I could go 15 minutes from my house And there'd be 25 people every night five nights a week Make my life a lot easier A life isn't that fucking easy That's the only hinge That marriage has is The ability to want to go do comedy and some nights you gotta stay in with Some nice you gotta go to dinner with her you had date night the whole time in LA Tuesday nights Huh you a date night with with your wife every it was like you do yoga at the Y and go watch sons of anarchy And it was like once a week, but yeah, I know it's it's important And I also say because I you you were married since you were married twice and I think it's both ways Because I was in a relationship before stand-up and then started stand-up and they don't I don't think anyway. It's not even just a woman thing. I don't think anyone likes because then you're gone all the time Yeah, now with with Anisha I was doing stand-up when we met so like it's She knows what to expect knows what to expect sort of thing and like did that I mean, I know by the time you started stand-up your ex-wife and you weren't really getting along that well No, but I wasn't even doing stand-up with my ex-wife. I did four or five months. Oh right at the end, right? Yeah, it was the beginning So I started July and we separated October right yeah, there was nothing really going on But I spoke about on the plane right up here and George was telling me when you get married It's all fun and games in the beginning especially when it comes to stand-up comedy It's all fun and games Until you're a feature act and you just can't go to Florida for one week Because the plane ticket is 400 and you're only getting 400 a week or 500 So you have to stay out of town for two weeks to make that work Wait to you call that bitch on Tuesday and tell her you me Joey Jimmy Schubert Steve Simone We went to play golf and then from there went to get the best Chinese and she sit on the phone going well That's fucking great And wait to you have a child Yeah, and you got to wait and make that call Like I see people with kids on the ship You know last long But she's got to be a fucking trooper. You can't even call them that much on the if you understand she's got to be a fucking trooper And that's what I've seen in my 34 years of I've seen a lot of guys that Fucking come out of the box They get happy they jump up and down I see them with the girl three or four times everything is a joke You know she's bringing her girlfriends from work. Oh my god. He's so funny Do it. Oh my god. The house is a joke. We just want to give that until the jokes get just like your audience They get sick of your fucking jokes too Just like your audience and that's when it gets tricky. Yeah, that's when your house has to You have to learn and I pulled it off in front of you for years I was doing two podcasts a week Somebody else's podcasts and every weekend on the road and three nights a comedy at the comedy store if I stay then and at the beginning your wife was working But no, no, no in the beginning my wife always worked But I'm saying the last eight years were in LA. Mm-hmm I didn't deviate from that program Never whether I had a child whether I didn't have a child because she understands the importance of it You're following me so it takes a while That's why I always tell people wait till you get a little bit more established Because if not she wins the argument What are you gonna go down there for for 900 bucks, but but you're staying in Hmm, and now you got to call that club owner and fake a cart Art attack or car accident and you know, it's just and that's Balance with comedy is very rough This is not for everybody This is not for everybody. Well people talk about it and like you just for a regular job is to like the work-life balance Which I don't think you like when you work you're not gone on the fucking weekend surrounded by girls in the bar Right, that's true. Okay, when you're working at Burger King or what the fuck you doing the daytime unless you work at a point I was a week. No All this shit just doesn't click It's just not you cracking jokes getting on a plane staying out of town for three or four days She's got to carry the baby up to stay, you know, it's not that It's the woman the drinking who you working with I'm working with George he's a womanizer. You're not allowed to work with George. And you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? You know, and you could always see a comic on the road. Like, let me tell you some, I love Carol. When I did it, Carol, for four years, I love Carol. But Carol was too crazy for a comedian. You found a saying to you like she was, he was too much stress. It's too much thinking about her. And you lose your comedic, whatever. And that's why Rogan always says, for two years, he was struggling. And then one day it was like, they don't hit him. He started killing because I didn't have that weight of thought. That thought is 30% of your fucking day. It's 40% of your day. If you're natural, if you care about people, you have a girlfriend or a wife, it's a lot of your time. So there's so many fucking issues. It's just you have to work on it as you go along and correct the different fucking things. Listen, I've been with Terry 25 years. If you think we've been jumping up and down for 25 years, you guys are fucking wrong. Every relationship has weak peaks and valleys. And you know, you're great. And then one minute, you're not talking. She's angry about something. Did you watch landman last night? He fucked the omelette. And she didn't talk to him for two days because he fucked the cheese omelette. He took see Alice and his dick didn't go down in the mornings. It doesn't matter. But it's just, it's so fucking weird. Yeah. That's actually something that's going to, and I haven't had that impulse with, with Anisha, but my, like, I don't like confrontation. It will, it will. And I'll have to get used to it because my, like, I don't like confrontation. Like, I, like, in all my past relationships, they lasted a year plus longer than they should have because I'm a pussy and I don't like breaking up with somebody. Like it's the, and my first instinct in like a fight is to fucking piece out. Like if I get into a fight, I want to run, not necessarily break up, but like, I don't like it. I'll leave the house. I don't like that. That should. It's not confrontation with your wife. Right. Yeah. But I can't, but I can't. It's a civilized, it's a civilized conversation. It's a civilized conversation. It's not two people. It's not Henry Hill. I know that you're lying. Go to your ready made or is, you know, that's not my house at all. It's, when you, you know, I had a tough, hairy couple weeks ago that me and Mercy don't want to go back to Tennessee with, but I didn't tell like that. I told it a truth. And this is the truth. I go, for fucking 13 years, you've been pushing your family on our throat and pushing us down their throat. Your father's 85. When was the last time you spent a week with without having to run back and forth and come here and what's Mercy going to do and what's Joey going to do? Just go. You don't have to bring us anymore. That the cat's out of the bag. Mercy told her in Florida every time, because you like my image, she goes, well, it smells better than Tennessee. Oh, Jesus. Oh, you know, it's just, and my wife doesn't get it. And that's where you have, it's not a, it's like guys and I've been saying this for years, go to church on a Sunday. Just go to one church. Go to any church on a Sunday. And you'll see the fucking wife walking in like she's Dominic Danucci and the two ugly kids and the husband who he wants to be it, he just wants to watch the jets. He's worked all hard. He loves Jesus and this whole thing, but this whole thing is not necessary. It was, you know, it's just not necessary. You go to church and the kids crying. Eight people like, oh my God, fuck you. Take that fucking kid out of here. You know, uh, take that fucking kid out of here. And after, you know, if you, you can see it, you sit behind a couple, you have two young kids. One is two. One is one. They don't know what's going on. They don't even have a fucking clue about church or God or the cookie or the nun. They don't know nothing. They don't want to know. And now they got to sit there like two bumpy and the boys like, come on, come down. Oh, you take them out. Why did we even do this? Who wants to go to church? I'm like, go ahead. I'll stay with the kid when the kid makes his first commune and whatever. And then we'll go as a family for our street to go. And I'm not living my life. I got to sit there with you, making believe like I want to be there with a cup of coffee on. This is great. No, I don't. My buddies are yelling up and down around the corner. They're at fucking the game starts at one. They're already drinking a yellow and I got to say this fucking church with you and two fucking kids that don't even know what the fuck they are. But what do you think the line is because you, you just, I know what you're saying, but you still have to make compromises sometimes. It's a compromise. That's a compromise. You go. I stay. I'm taking the kids off your hand so you could really enjoy God's light. Okay. Instead of stopping Nicky, oh, Nicky, Nicky, you have a pacifier for Nicky. Nicky don't want to be here. Right. That's fair. Nicky never signed up for this nonsense. And that's what people don't understand. You know, if it was up to my wife, we go to Tennessee every year, right? With the whole fucking, you know, go on. No. Again, you're a comic. Next time you go on a fucking plane. Look at the fat wife coming on the plane with the husband behind her carrying a bag. Look at her face and look at his face. And when you see his face, you'll go, I'm never going to have that fucking face. And as he walks past your first class, you grab him go, you could get off right now. I'll give you what's in my pocket. Get out of the plane. Just drop the kid. I know what you're feeling. Get the fuck out of here. I don't think you can do that anymore. People used to do that. Remember when like fathers would like a band in their families. Yep. That's what I'm telling you. You might as well start smoking because at least you go off for a pack of cigarettes and never come back. Like Bruce Springsteen did. You're building it now. Oh my god. Let's get him on the back of cigarettes. Why are you taking a suitcase? I got to put something in the car. Oh my god. Oh yeah, they would, I mean in movies on stuff all the time. And that's what American couples aren't doing. I mean, honest, no, that honest compromise. I can never look at you the first two years and go, Anisha, look. Oh, fucking Jewish. I got to go over there on a Sunday and eat with them, the fucking little frisbees and fucking and fucking lamb nachos and fucking and with lentils and I got to eat fucking cauliflower tacos today for me. But what do you mean? They're my parents. That's why they're your parents. You just said it. They're your fucking parents. They don't watch football. They want to watch soccer. You know, I don't want to do that no more. A lot of guys and she's going to be mad for two days. And then you got to flip it. Go dog. Do you want to go up and see my mother's smaller feet? Was she? No. Then what the fuck are we talking about? Mind your business. You don't have to fucking come everywhere. That's what I'm trying to say that we have in our fucking minds that they got to be everywhere. We sneeze. And that's what saves a relationship. What's that fucking expression loneliness? This makes the hard growth on her. Yeah. That's why you work. I get the fuck out of the house. You go that way and I go this way. And I'll see you at six. I don't want to know nothing. Okay. Yeah. There's a lot of people who've gotten like divorced and broken up because when people start working from home during COVID, if you're both working from home, now I got to put up with your mug every fucking day. And that's what I did during the pandemic. I was like, I'm going to sit in this back room. We're going to get a divorce. I might as well become part of this family and mingle. And that's why we worked it out. Right. You know, and that's why I tell people 25 years, don't think it's all fucking cotton candy. And I'm blowing a horn and everybody's fucking happy. Sure. So the first nine years, first seven years, there was no happiness. I was on coke. And then after that, you know, we evolved. And now I know how to put the pieces together with us, but my wife respects me. And that's like last night, my wife went out for her birthday. Okay. Okay. Yeah. My wife wasn't in the door 10 seconds and I had my jacket on. Most wives are going, where are you going? It's my birthday. My wife was like, what's going on? I go, I've been sitting this half a four fucking hours. Mercy came down one time. She don't want to eat. I ended up making milkshakes for the both of us. And I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm gone. I think I backed the quarter to 12. Then we watched Land Man. I got to go. I got to go. And they understand that after a while, I got to go. This has never been me to sit here. When we watch TV, my wife watches on the other side and they watch it on my side. There's no cuddling. No, I'm not into that shit holding hand. I'm going to Rudy's before. Two lesbians at the bar that she's got a arm around the other girl. I wouldn't secure you. Eat the fucking food. I'm looking at it. I'm eating my fucking lobster, fucking whatever. And I'm looking over at the fucking Rhode Island clam chat. I'm like, this fucking guy got a fucked up haircut. And he's kind of the chubby around the middle is shit. And I'm like, then finally, the waitress came in with, she was like, great to have you ladies in here. I'm like, lady, and I looked at her. She had a arm around to check the whole fucking time. She's over there eating, I'm like, I don't need that. There ain't nobody loves that. If you're that love, you don't even need these. You just eat each other. Right or wrong, if you're that love, you just eat each other till nothing's left. - Do you not like it, Becky? If guys are like too clingy or too, like does that end up? - Becky don't like shit. - Oh shit. - I don't like shit. - And Becky doesn't know what she wants. - No. - If you come up to Becky, run up on Becky, Becky, what are you talking about? Like Becky don't fucking know. You could hit on Becky and Becky wouldn't know. Like she thinks like you're cracked on a joke unless you say something perverted. But I guarantee you, 'cause I drop her girls like this that they don't even know what you're talking about. Like they're looking me at a bongo. What's this guy thought? - And no he doesn't. (laughing) - What is that like being hit on? Is that awesome? - I don't know. - You know, no guy would come up to you at a bar and then like try to buy you a drink. What about people buying you stuff on dates? - Nobody ever buy you a drink. - No. - Lee, next time, oh, let's go on next time. I'll buy you a drink. - It's not the same. It's not the same. I went to a gay bar with a buddy Eric and the guy bought me a drink there and I liked that. (laughing) It feels good. It feels, oh, that was a fucked up bar. And then, dude, I think I've told this story, our buddy Eric, he's the best gay guy. He's a door guy at the comments for a very funny comic. And he brought me to a place called the bullet. I know you don't like Yelp, but if you look at Yelp, their Yelp page is the best Yelp page. - Oh, that's a guy. - It's a gay bar with like, - That I'll look at Lee. It's not what you say to me. - I go, I go, Google the Rudy's and it didn't get a lot of good fucking reviews. No, I got a lot of reviews, so I'm gonna go eat that. No, you don't go eat that. Those are strangers, the strangers. And I don't know about none. - Oh my God, they have people. I'm trying to pull it up quickly. - And that's where you should've done. You should've got it catered from Rudy's. That was the ticket right there. - Oh! - That was the ticket. - You want pasta? - Don't fucking shrink dog. Forget about it. - Yeah, a trip or coconuts on it and shit. I thought I was Gilligan for a minute. The fuck, you're from India. What coconuts? - You talk about, you don't like coconut shrimp. - I don't. - Yes, you do. Everyone likes coconut shrimp. - If you want to add a hundred of those Rudy shrimp at that fucking wedding, those motherfuckers wouldn't. - They're vegetarians, a lot of vegetarians, so. - Who gives a fuck? That's why we put it over there. - What about the Jews and the white people? - That's what we had. - You didn't think of us. That's why John Wayne didn't show it. - And the Chinese. - I know they're gonna fuck up with the Jews. - We didn't have Chinese. So let's back to the-- - Check cold noodles. Like fucking, not even hot noodles. - Yeah, it wasn't even low-main. - And it was like these cold noodles from Vietnam. That's Vietnamese shit. - Next time you can put your gun on. - Unbelievable. - Your own order. - No fucking fool for white people. - Let me tell you about the gay bar. - Kali flour, fuck yeah, 'cause a gay bar, it was like that Kali flour taco. It tastes like dick. - Go ahead, one, we had, oh my god. - Oh my god, Lee. - I need to start wearing those fucking meta glasses or a police, I wanna police camera around you. - 'Cause you would come up with a police story. - We would come up with-- - We would fucking have lamb, lentil, nachos. - First of all, you know, well as me, Lam is good. You eat fucking gyros. So I'm sorry. - I don't eat lamb. - I don't eat lamb. - Well, lamb is delicious. - I don't eat no that shit. - And in front of you, I eat in one gyro. I'm sorry to fuck up. - If you like, you talk to me. - I eat one gyro, but I didn't need it. In fact, you took the fucking thing home with you and stunked up the car. I don't eat that shit. - Wait, you don't take stuff home? - No, like that. - You don't take leftovers home back? - No, you're mad. - No, listen, back to your fight. Say it in the mic, 'cause they need to hear, I'm so happy to have someone who's on my team finally. - Well, lamb lentil tacos. - No, she eats lamb and she does, no, she got Chinese. - Of course. - I don't know, I wasn't invited. - She's Chinese, they grew up on lamb. They ate the pig's head, they ate a lot of shit. We don't need. - I'm sorry for getting into this, I didn't have it. - Mara, she, anyway. Next time I have wolf food for wifey. - Me, I honestly have those one Indian table, we see even seven. - One Indian table, there was 20 tables for them, and one for the white people, yeah, and then we eat hot shrimp, they're over there dancing. We got the cold shrimp and coconut on it, and little piece of pineapple, like I'm a Don Ho's housey shit. (laughing) - Oh my God. - And fucking lamb tacos, as soon as they said lamb, lentil after you raise your hand. - No one said lentil. - No, they're not gonna be, I don't want no lamb, my fucking buddy. - I like lamb. - No, no you don't. - Have you had a human lamb? Becky, you like, what do you know? - No, I'm trying to justify. - You're here to stop me, stop. - No, what you've got. - Becky likes Szechuan food, don't startle me. - Who the fuck and Lee? - Who and Lee? - First of all, I didn't get to eat it. - I eat lamb, when the fuck do you eat lamb? - All the time. - Yeah, it's the Cuban food, I see you eat it. - They don't have to eat lamb. They don't have to eat it with fucking weird people, no fucking minorities, and they don't have lamb. - Fucking lamb nachos, who approved that shit? - This guy, and the Indian people, God damn it. - You should be shot and hung for that fucking move. Little four-pastrami sliders, four little pastrami sliders at the end. - To the Indian table, even having an opinion about this. - Four fucking little Chinese, four-pastrami sliders at the end. - There were not four. There was a whole trade. - No, there was. There was four. The Jews counted them. - Fucking Danny, you know why? - His Danny Braff, mother fucking Pedro told me. Danny Braff took like eight sandwiches, took all the bread off and made one big giant sandwich. - The kid was starving. There was no food all night. - There were tons of food. - Even that little retard. He's sitting there, like what the fuck am I going to eat? Finally, he was so hungry, people were going to want a pizza. - No, they weren't. - The table next to me said, we want an old pizza. - No, they weren't. - There was tons of food. - Yes, they did. - No, they didn't. - Danny Braff ate eight sandwiches because he sat there. He was like one of those black kids in the commercial, he was all sucked out, like, when are they going to feed me? - In 30 minutes, Jesus Christ. - That meat came around, everybody looked at him, like, it scared everybody, like how long meat? - It wasn't how long it was. - Yes it was. I tasted it was terrible. - No, it wasn't. No steak on a steak. - Oh, Jesus Christ. - It was no steak on a fucking steak, all right? - It was off steak. God damn it. Oh my God. - Yeah, that was alligating to me, as I chewed it, it was hard to fuck. You know what's fucked up is the chef who listens to the podcast. So what's up, buddy? - It was fucking. It was like one of my fungi toenails. I had to keep biting into it. We'll be back. We got to take a break. Hey, Uncle Joe, we're here. Listen, if your wall is stuffed with old cards, it's time to try Ridge. Ridge makes slim modern wallets made with premium materials. You add your own custom features like a cash trap or an ad tag attachment. Ridge is 99-day frisk retile and a lifetime warranty. Make this last wallet you'll ever need. Listen, I love the little Ridge wallet. It fits in your pocket. I got it in my car. No must, no fuss, you know, just what you need. Already love Ridge wallet. Check out Ridge's other travel essentials. They're key cases, suitcases and portable charges all top of the line. Now, for limited time only, Ridge is having their huge holiday sale. Head over to Ridge.com to get up to 47% off your order. Ridge.com, r-i-d-g-e-i.com. This is my far, the biggest discount they've given all year. That's Ridge.com for up to 47% off your order during their biggest sale of the year. After you purchase, they're going to ask you how you heard about them. It's on the church center with Uncle Joey. Happy New Year for all you beautiful people. Hey, Uncle Joey here, listen, it's that time of the year. It's time to kick back and relax, Jack, within the cloud. In the cloud is your online dispensary. 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I think after the election, she'll never get married or just have a wedding and get spare ribs. Everybody's happy. We talked about her getting hit on and she's wearing a jacket now. Yeah. Colder and colder. Oh, glass week, I had a weird thing happen and it's been bothering me and I even tried to write a joke about it because that's what you're doing, something bothers you. damn man I have not felt good kid from North Bergen died over the weekend rest and peace, John Kelly. Nice kid. He used to bartend that corkies. We used to throw ice at him when he would turn his back to us as shit. What is everyone who died? You have something terrible you did. He was a nice guy. We used to throw ice at him as shit when he turned his back. Well, we loved him. And I love his wife, Judy, but it's so weird. He was maybe a year older than me or maybe the same age or a year younger. It's so weird when when you're young, yeah, we want to allow somebody dies. But as you start getting older, people start dropping. You're like, one of my next like you. You're like, the other I'm like, what the fuck? He's laughing. George is not one of the weekend. George is like, it's serious. Over the weekend, I lost a very dear friend and I lost a comedian friend. You know, I just got the text of the A die. But it's kind of weird how our friend. Well, it looks kind of guy, but it's weird how, you know, you go through life. People die. You get a little knock off the thing. But as you get older, what you guys don't understand yet, wait till you get to be like 55 and people start dropping that you went to grammar school with a high school with and you're like, I'm not going to drink soda no more. That's funny. Like dog. I didn't even eat bacon in Miami. No, you're done with bacon. Done. Damn. I come back to my day. It's like no bacon. No bacon. Aged by themselves, yogurt and fruit. That's it. What would you at you at 50 would have fucking tortured yourself over this breakfast? If I ordered what you just said at breakfast with you 10 years ago, you would have kicked me out of the table. No, I still eat. Listen, three eggs sunny side up. That's 21 grams of protein. One piece of toast. Right. One piece of toast. Sometimes I call it a whole grain or eating a white bread. No, I eat a whole grain, but I cut the yolk out. I don't eat the white shit. I don't weaken my fucking soul with that white shit. That's protein, too. No, it's not. Not watching that. Not watching that fucking son. That son, you know, we grow the weirdest thing about egg yolks and egg whites is plain and simple. When I went to grammar school, you were raised on potential energy and kinetic energy. Okay. A fucking grass grows. A cow eats to grass, but at the same time, the sun hits to grass that feeds the cow and the cow gets to sun and eats to grass. So when we kill that motherfucker, he's not annoyed. All of a sudden people started going, well, no, we don't eat egg whites. Break it down to me. I don't get it. How people started eating egg whites. And now they're reversing all of them. All the claims that were made about egg whites, they're starting to reverse that they made a mistake. That's if the egg includes the yolk. So I always like the yolk. Forget about, listen, if you told me tomorrow that the yolk was unhealthy and that you're going to die, fuck you. I'm still going to eat the yolk because I for me, I think it's, it's as good as fucking disco. You get a steak from a store now, turn it around. This shit in that state. There is nothing. You got to get like the fucking fresh farm eggs. Like we go to a farm to get them, but we subscribe. Oh, yeah. You get fucking big motherfuckers. They taste like, you know, it's like when you go to Midwest, get an egg in the Midwest. Look, you put ketchup on the fucking scrambled day. You got a meal. Did you read an egg in fucking Delaware? It tastes like papar. Oh, yeah. Like Walmart eggs are terrible. Yeah. Like what? Walmart. Oh, yeah. They give you Walmart. Oh, really? Why? Why? Why? Why? I don't have no eggs. No. They have powdered eggs. But getting it from the farm is cool. Like, have you gotten meat from the farm? Yeah. Is it getting so much better? I never tried. I just don't want to invest in that much meat because I don't know. I ate freezing fucking food. No, yeah. You don't want to buy a half a cow. Well, that's what you have to do. No, I don't want to buy half a cow. They get broke. I looked into it because I ate the meat. The meat was off the fucking chain. Yeah. So I offered to split a cow with them. I don't even have the space. Yeah, 34 steaks, 18 time of hawks, 56 hamburgers. I mean hamburgers do I eat? We can split a cow. Three of us split a cow. Yeah. We could split a cow. Three ways. Yeah. But I don't have that use for that many hamburgers. I make fricka delts. I like making chop beef with eggs. Yeah. Put two egg yolks, not motherfucker. Italian bread crumbs and green onion, a lot of green and white onion. Okay. And that has more protein than just the regular hamburger. I get it. So I'll put two, three, four fucking eggs in that motherfucker. See, again, when we were kids, you put eggs on everything. Everything. Rocky didn't drink a protein shake. Oh, yeah. Raw eggs and the shakes. Fuck. So I always make a protein shake with protein powder, milk, egg, you know, we germ, but I'd still throw in three raw eggs. So if you had 30 grams, that's another 21. That's 50 fucking one. No, you don't even taste them. When you put a lot of chocolate, a lot of syrup is shit, you won't taste the egg yolk. The Chinese have the fucking fucking best thing in the world. What's that? Egg drop soup. I never liked that. Can't beat egg drop soup. How do you make egg drop soup? Hot water in the broth. And you throw an egg in and stir it. So good. And that white thing, all white is delicious. That's the only time I eat the white is in the fucking egg drop soup. That's why I get the egg drop soup. I will if I want to fill myself up. But if I want to just get bang protein, I just do three eggs. Okay. And listen to me, you had the bacon. It's not that much more protein. I started eating fucking yogurt in the hospital, it's a probiotic. And you don't have to take that extra pill. You know, I'll still take the probiotic, but I eat that because fuck, you know, it just it's, it's like 15 grams of protein for that little cup fucking yogurt. And then I eat four spoons of coconut cult. Right. In fact, I'm on my last job. I got to get some more. What is that? It's coconut live probiotic yogurt. It's $9 a fucking thing, but it lasts for a week. You only take four teaspoons on an empty stomach. Oh, so it's not like a yogurt cup. You're having two kinds of yogurt with breakfast? Yeah. So I open up with the four teaspoons. Right. Then I drink a big glass of water. Right. Then I put salt and pepper on the eggs. Okay. All right. And then I take my medication first, pop that with orange juice. Then I eat the eggs. And then I take the fucking supplements. Yeah. Because you you mix yogurt with orange juice. That's a tremendous first part. That comes out of like nine thirty eight nine forty when you're walking into the gym and the retards are there. You might as well blast them with a little fucking, you know, yeah, nobody knows nothing. I'm going to say you want probiotic yogurt for it's not great. They're great. No, it's clean. I've been on this program for like since the hospital. So now my stomach is level. Do you still drink orange juice every day? I try to drink some type of juice every day. Why? I just like it. I don't have any juice. Orange juice has a lot of fucking sugar. Yeah. But I went to Miami last week. But I was killing the water melon juice. Oh, yeah. And they have it on the street or where it was at night. Just Cuban joint right around like two bucks in the hotel. Oh, nice. And they were put a little mint in that motherfucker. Squeeze it right in front of you. How long were you in Miami for fucking days? How many times do you go to this Cuban restaurant? I went to Port of Sag with twice. Okay. I went to this other place like three times. I didn't eat. I just got the juice. Okay. Because I just say I know you like you probably I could have I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me you ate there like three times like in four days. Let me tell you something. The breakfast was the best breakfast. I've seen since the four seasons in Denver. Okay. Four seasons in Denver. They don't play. That's the that's the hotel that's got a cough machine on each floor. I think so you get out of your room in the morning. You don't have to go downstairs right at the end right there. There's a little table with tea, coffee, Earl, great tea and croissants and cookies and a couple of egg and cheese sandwiches and you never have to go downstairs. That's amazing. At least I would go back in that room with a fucking I take two or three expressos with a fucking vapor pen. Start writing jokes. You don't have to go down to like 10 30. I would get up and fucking six. I'd be up there. So I'm telling you the to fucking the Denver. If you really want to go to a hotel that Denver four seasons when you and trust me, I didn't have the money to go there. Rogan took me. I don't have that type of cash. Right. That's like two thousand a night. That fucking place. Damn. I would walk out and it was right there with little what's that thing you're telling people to eat too? It's got a dog full fucking boat. But this was last week. It was just good. Mate the order eggs. That's always fun at a hotel. Mate the order eggs. Fucking scrambled eggs. Turkey sausage. Fucking bacon. Fried chicken. With waffles every day. I didn't touch the chicken. This is a buffet. Not a restaurant. This is a buffet. This is the rest of breakfast VIP breakfast that you go downstairs. They have a different and then this is part of you get a special package. Okay. It's 42 hours. What are you you ate that $42? Like a motherfucker. Mercy and the other kid didn't eat breakfast. It was just me and my wife. Oh. So I would have a coffee upstairs or a fucking and yeah, I would smoke a joint upstairs and then I would fly down there and I'd fucking finagle my way in. First thing I'd take two. You should have seen the size of the fucking that bread you told me about before seven multi grain bread. It was like this. - Oh, thick, this is like a fresh baked pork, fresh baked, that everything English muffins, while you're there, you throw two pops of bread in the toaster. Now I can navigate, I already have my time. The toast is cooking. I would go right over that of fruit tray, black, they had blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries, and then like dragon fruit. They had like a fucking section of this shit. And there you go, fucking people taking one strawberry, they almost killed like six motherfuckers. Just put the whole thing in there. Then they had a station of different yogurts. - Okay. - Cheese seed pudding, banana yogurt, those yogurt parfaits, or Greek yogurt, yogurt, with rock and regular, and then just vanilla yogurt. So I would take those raspberries and put them in a dish, squish them like cold oven beenery, that ice cream shit, and I put the yogurt on top of that. Oh my God. - Cold stone. So I would throw three sunsets, three sunsets of eggs. I would throw fucking two of those yogurt dishes, and then they had finished up. A cup of fucking oatmeal, that was delicious. Fuck you in those grits, I don't eat that shit. - You don't eat grits? - No, you don't eat grits either, knock it off. - In a jalapeno cheddar grits with some shrimp, you don't like that? Okay, but back to the breakfast. That's all the time. - And they had that other shit that I like, cream a wheat. - Oh, gross. - Which you never see anymore. - No, because no one eats it. Cream of wheat, that is, and you don't like this. - Doc, if you would put out your wedding people would hate it. You understand? (laughing) If you would have had cream of wheat, people would say, "Fuck it, we'll take this shit." - I can't wait till the wedding comes out. - Fuck it, I bumped into one of those lamp. - We'll land so fucking nachos. Jesus Christ. - Let me tell you something. And then they had all dog. They had a section of co-cuts, right? But then they blew it big time for the Jews. They fucking got dog. They got. - They blew it in Miami, that's not good. - No, no, no, no, not they blew it. They blew it up for the Jews. - Oh, okay, okay. - I'm talking to that. Fucking Brooklyn bagels that were flown overnight. - Nice. - 'Cause they had 'em, they go, they come on. They get to the fucking airport and they hear a half hour later. - Nice. - They had a lock station where they carved up the locks nice and put it into little circles. For the Jews, we'd like a menorah behind it. Come on, Lord. - And come on, now where's Netty at? Where's Netty at, what? They had the lockers. - Oh shit. - They had something else like that. - That was my wedding. - That shit that rich boss likes. The pie. - So, oh. - Hi. - Remember at the Jew place I took you? I said, we bought some for your mom. It comes in different flavors. - Costco, no. - Oh. - It's like a noodle pudding? The noodle pudding? Oh, it's like that shit that really meant quiche. It looked like a Jew quiche. - Oh, okay. - Brumble, crumble that, that. - Okay. - They had some other stuff. - Let me ask you this, but the locks. 'Cause I've-- - No brown spots. - Clean body. - It was like stocked well because I can imagine Jews like tearing it up when it first comes back. - Don't, don't, don't. As a Jew took one out, an African put one back. (laughing) One of Somalians from fucking Minnesota. He put one back. - You put one in your jobs? - You think I'm fucking kidding, dog? They don't play with the Jews. And that chicken. - The fried chicken? - The chicken. I was watching the chicken and who was taking that people were getting broke. And then, you know, 10 years ago, I liked that shit. Like two waffles with three pieces of fried chicken on that motherfucker and some maple syrup. And then they had the other things for the Jews, the eggs, not the hard boiled eggs, but the, it's called something. They had those in the hot area. - Nah, nah, nah, I did have some fucking, let me tell you something. I had some, you were gonna hold tough. And they have the main restaurant and they have something else. Then they have like that place where you bring your kid. - You don't expect much. You go in there and you're like, yeah, chicken finger. I went in there with the girls from there. I wasn't gonna eat. I was like, you eat. Sasha got in a shrimp cocktail and my daughter got something. My kid's place had a shrimp cocktail. - The shrimp cocktails were like this. - Damn. - This thick, three of them long. I was like, I got a piece of that shit. You know what I ended up ordering? - The fucking devil digs me. - That's delicious. - With little mayonnaise and a little mustard. Oh my god, now that's, you eat three of those and a cup of yogurt. That's when you go on a plane. That's when you go on jet blue with no underwear on. And you put a little fucking hole by the asshole so the heat could just like a sleep acne mask. It has that hole for the hot air to exhaust. You eat three hard boiled eggs. - Right. - And you get that cup of yogurt with fruit. And you just go on a jet blue flight and pick your leg up like this and put a little hole right here. And you'll see the fart come out. You'll see a little smoke, a little fire and then people fucking. - Dude, you can get some oxygen mask. - Dude, you're gonna get charged with terrorism. They're gonna bring it to Guantanamo as a Cuban. If you fucking fart on a plane like that. - Well, I'm not even getting out of planes no more. - You get on planes, but you fart on planes all the time. - Now it, now I'm the one on a plane. - Shit, shit. - Oh my god, dude. - But also, did you go to the beach? 'Cause I can't imagine eating all this food and then go see on the beach. - No, but dog, that's that night. I would eat that, you gotta remember guys. I'm a fucking old man. If you ever get up in the middle of night and you look at the clock, ask yourself. His uncle Joey awake right now. He probably is awake, okay? If you get up anytime after five in the morning, like I'm one of those idiots. I was walking around in Miami at 16. I would put on a hooded sweatshirt and go outside and just stare at the ocean with a cup of coffee. That was my head in the morning. They're grateful for being here. Grateful for this, grateful for that. And then the wind was so strong I had to go around. Bro, our balcony wrapped around the building. We had three doors to go out, like doctors. - Yeah, that's all. - You wouldn't fucking believe this shit. Like doctors, and they said no to smoke in the rooms, but they had ash trays outside. They're really fucking nook. Yeah, so I was out there in the little corner, blowing fucking bones at night, you know? And then I would go in and tell you what, wake up? I had a way for how to do a thing. We shoot down like seven, 15. So by nine, I'm ready to rock. I'm ready to stab and break it. And like, this is something that I've kind of changed. Because I know you usually don't like vacations. - No. - But like now? - I wasn't lying to you this year about your wedding. If you wouldn't have gotten married on the 27th, we would have left on the 26th. - Okay. - You know, 'cause we wanted to get dogs, I'm done. - I don't blame you. - You know me a long time, you just told these people. I used to work all the time. Listen, I don't give a fuck about anything. I'm one of those people, honest to God at the end of the day, I had no decision. But to become successful is something. Because I didn't find, but most people find that the daily. And the taming is when you have money in the bank. That's entertainment. When you could fucking go to sleep and go, I'm covered for the next two fucking months. I don't have to suck nobody's dick. I don't have to do shit, okay? And that's the point of it. You saw me. We didn't take no Christmas day off. Now, we didn't do shit. I was back on the road the day after Christmas. The 26th, we did a gig if we had a venue. But if not that weekend, I'm on the road. My wife's birthday's the 28th. Did I give a fuck? No, because we got to eat. I could say, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That'd be very thick. For what? We got to eat. So now, I'd like to do something. For four days. I don't need to go away for seven days. Guys, as nice as Miami was, I couldn't wait for Wednesday to come. That's crazy. There's no place like home. That's true. At the end of the week, yeah. You like it, the hotel, the food. That fucking place I was talking about. I had a prime rib sandwich in there. Yeah. Not since Houston's. I don't know if anybody would want to use this. They used to have the steak sandwich and Houston's for 20 bucks. I'm talking 30 years ago, 20 bucks. You can play it. You want anything or 20 bucks for anything. Until you bit that motherfucker. You're like, oh shit. I would drive from Hollywood to Santa Monica, right? With $30. Just enough. If I had a dollar over $30, I would shoot the Santa Monica to Houston. That was my big fucking freak. Well, I lived in LA because I loved that. But this prime rib sandwich was second to it. How was the right, like I'm glad you had a fun and the food was good, but like it sounds like your favorite parts were the food. How was like the rest of Miami? The rest of Miami, let me tell you something. Some day we got there, we didn't do shit. Went to Cuban food. Went to Collins. I have no walk around. Saw cars. You know, a bunch of fucking, you, you, listen. I love music. I love all types of music, but that raggy Tony music, that Spanish rap, I could tell. It is the worst thing. Oh, I get Tony. Sounds like it. They have ever made in my life. And when I got there, Santa, I called Nick right away and I go, Nick, we made a mistake. What the wrong place? You know, I was watching what was going on. And they played that music that you can't dance to. You could just do this to what the fuck is this? Yeah. What the fuck is this now? You know, it's garbage. So that's why I did the first, right? Okay. And then Sunday morning, I got up breakfast on right to the fucking beach. They hooked me up with like a fucking little bed, two chairs, a bucket of ice through the whole thing. Fucking great guy comes over you're gonna come to mom Joe fuck yeah, I'll be here nice and early We cash out of the drinks we walk up I go you want to come tomorrow right? Yeah, we're time you want to come back I don't know, you know, maybe ten goes already goes listen. We can't you today, but tomorrow's gonna be 450 It's worth it $450 for 15 on the beach. I don't know you talk see side They I thought you didn't do it. Not the next day, but it was windy anyway He goes we'll do it for 350 if you come. Okay, you know Three fucking fifty two chairs a little bed right, but they come out with a drilling shit They're fucking around That's what I was gonna say earlier like and I Cuz I can get it. I don't have I don't make a ton of money like I Would rather go on one vacation a year or one maybe two years, but even just but go to a nicer place and spend Cuz how great was it to go to the beach and not have to be in the in the sand You have a nice comfortable thing have a server come over beach. That sounds awesome. You missed it See you you never around When the good thing happens the only personal witness these things is my wife, and that's why she thinks I'm a fucking idiot Because I'm not that I'm at the beach doing my thing, you know saying I got my SPF number eight on I got my feet in the toes is shit My toes in the water You know, I'm not supposed to want a beach with Disney. Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's a succinct to the sand Yeah, it's all fucked up now But I didn't give a fuck because if you go to seaside of one of these beaches around here I got a walk across the street bring the chair then you get to the beach and how it's another thousand miles You're gonna walk this with dog. This was Downstairs there was a little walk for people that are jogged. Yeah, they go this way and you're running the beach How's this in probably smooth smooth 15 feet? They had everything set up I want to write down in a water the girls like it's still cold that I Put my foot on like It's a little cold but it ain't Jersey, no, it's not Jersey and then I kept walking in. Yeah Walking in and I went up to my fucking waste as the worst part and next day, you know a fucking wave knocked me over You guys would never have laughed that hard because I was laughing so hard. I pissed myself Listen to me. No, no, no, no, no I tell you the truth guys when I fuck up, I tell you the truth When I law fucking geniuses here, but you missed it even my wife was like that was tremendous She goes what happened? Why'd you just stand there? I go cuz I couldn't fucking breathe. I was just peeing I was just peeing through my bikini right on the sand. I didn't take my dick out I didn't give a fuck check. I had one of those breathing fits that I have here with the stairs. Well, I just got to start peeing And I just got out of the water and I just started peeing. I couldn't even keep it together. I was breathing so hard Shit also the pee just started dripping down my leg and I thought about going back into the ocean. I go fuck it Let the pee on my leg at this point. I don't get fucked. I try it off with a towel I got knocked over this way. All right. Oh, you went backwards like a chubby fat dude. I'm going like this right Now when the water brought me down I'm up to my here and I bought my head up and also not fucking another way Right and now I'm floating like a fat fuck again But this time I flip over and I land on my hands and knees. Oh, no, and I'm like perfect now. I can get up Didn't have for another one. Oh my god. Every time I put my foot down and go to get up the wave with it me again And I go backwards this happened about four or five times Then it took me three or four times just to get up to both feet The lifeguards come out no no the lifeguards didn't even see it and I got up and finally I'm like I can't even breathe. I know it's gonna have a hard time. I don't have my inhaler And I'm looking at Terry Terry's like look at me and I turn around and I may believe I'm looking at the ocean I'm just breathing for my life and also like fuck. I gotta go back in the world. I got a pee I'm like fuck that and when I was in the the funniest thing when I was in the ocean and I finally turned around and looked up It was a kid. I like a little sled board. He was laughing his ass all happy. I'm like you little motherfucker dude I can't I'm glad you're okay. I can't know that you're okay. It's the the best thing that's ever happened to me I guarantee that that nice resort has cameras on the beach I Every cent that I made at that wedding for that video. I would that is Ah, so you lied you didn't make money at the wedding that said Cox up and he gave us and you gave us laugh No, I didn't make money I Anyway, don't mind. Is that a lot of people get married so you make some money? It's an investment. Well, it's easy I don't get shit Wasn't I say to you, but it was a Couple years ago on a specific beach with my wife. Mercy's four maybe three and There's nobody on the beach it's early in the morning. We're losers. We have to get our house by eight in those days We get down as like 915 nobody's on the beach and I decide to walk the beach And I walked the beach and the way back nobody's on the beach. I'm looking at Terry Maybe 60 yards from Terry hey and her mercy like wave and I'm walking towards them But I'm still on the beach where the water comes. It's hitting my feet and dog Oh a wave came but it had a rock A boulder in it and it hit me right here To this day, there's a dent Where it hit me. I just went down both and I just laid there my wife's like, are you okay? I couldn't even breathe from the fucking pain The thing then did my shit. I'm lucky to break it. There's still like brown spot there if you look at it Like that shit happens and my wife was laughing her ass off. Oh my god. I can see it going like there's a thousand rocks And that one hits you and that one hit you. I mean it was a fucking rock dude You might be like bad luck at the beach. I've never leaf had so many. How many? Like have you ever got stuck by jellyfish? When I was a kid I almost drowned in Coney Island But yeah, I think you shouldn't go I think you shouldn't go in the water. When I was five I almost drowned in Coney Island and then when I was drowning That undercurrent had me. I know if you you never heard me talk about Coney Island again Have you all these people go to the Coney Island? There's a reason I'm gonna call you out Because in 1968 I was swimming in Coney Island And the undercurrent took me my mom kept saying stay up here Stay up here, and I kept getting sucked back And as the undercurrent took me I'm pelting my little baggy feet And I look up and there's a piece of shit floating in the ocean. I'm like oh no. I'm if I get out of this water I'll never come in here again. I never went back to Coney Island ever again A fucking piece and I wasn't prepared for that. No, it's not like you watch it on NBC news Or nothing as pieces. I never read it was just like a full log was just floating next to somebody just took their pants off And took a shit in the ocean dog. I didn't even know there was a beach at Coney Island. Yeah, that's what it is It's the worst beach ever. I mean, so it's just a homeless guy just shit in the water pretty much. I don't know. I don't know literally 1968 you know that's 32 and 25 That's the last time. I was in Coney Island Fifty seven years. Jesus Christ How old would you I got the only 10 million Jews. I got a Jew that can't do math and can't put a wedding fucking menu together. Oh my god Jesus Christ someone. I know those cops who watch this. I know there's New York cops who watch this get me a body camera, please I swear to God. Oh my god. Well, you know tape. I didn't eat. I didn't eat those lamb tacos Yeah, but I wanna show the rest of the goddamn food of the goddamn brother. The food was not bueno First of all wedding food is never fantastic and it actually was pretty good. We didn't go to a tasting. That was all. Do you take your left over as with you? No, no, no, no, not a salsa table They didn't have it. You know what? You know what? We brought it. We brought it. We still brought the Jews brought the acid the everything I saw your cousins praying Cologne on people who you did like I'm the slouch Telling guy Holy we gotta rip you out the wedding. It was a great wedding wedding. Did you see the picture I posted? I have my stories the one I posted Yeah, that was a fun one. Any other stories on my thing. I appreciate it. Do thank you. It was a beautiful wedding And that picture if you look at it unless you're a fucking cunt Well, miserable person. That's a beautiful picture of Lee and his wife I see him crying under the veil of tears. Look at him. He's like Look at him. He's saying uh, he's laughing going. Look at that picture. He's saying these assholes ate the food But my wife posted it mercy posted it. Oh, that's a nice post it. It's a beautiful fucking picture Lee So is a great Lee were busting you. I mean the food was garbage We're busting your ball. The place was nice. Thank you. The reception was short The yet, which was fucking really helpful. Yeah, that was a bum. We had a great time. We were cracking jokes in the back Oh, you know, we were both questions with our faces on it. Oh my god, but I saw the woopie cushion. I thought you knew I had played a trick on me. Now everybody moved them. So I'm sitting there and I'm watching you guys and there's a Hindu woman behind me that was banging. - Oh yeah, there's a lot of them. - There was like three or four Hindus there. That was banging, that little vegan monkey. - I think I made my wife. She looked, I mean. - I was banging, there was an older one behind me. Like 51, very sweet. - Very nice thing. - Very sweet, very nice. She even touched me so I kept checking her out. Why did she touch me? - And I went to move my foot and I heard like, and not only that, you got cheap puppy cushions. You didn't even get the dollar one. You got the 25 cent one. - No, it weren't fucking 20 bucks. It's a lot easier to find a place to get custom wolfy cushions. Well that was fun. You always fun speaking of Danny Braff that asshole. Because I'm used to the comedy, I turn my phone to airplane mode, like when I was gonna read my vows. And so then I turn my phone back on. When I was reading my vows, Danny Braff texted me gay. If I had gotten that ass who was reading my vows, I would have killed him. - I saw him texting you with something. - Oh my God, that's so funny. - But you know man, even I was in the hospital for weeks this year. My fucking tooth broke. I swallowed the bridge. You know, I had a lot of problems this year. 2025 was still a great year guys. And I know that, you know that was the highlight of your 2025. I know that, you know, 2025 was good. I got to meet Becky. I got to take Becky with us on the road to give us a little balance. Becky was quiet tonight. She's just absorbing everything. - I'm taking it in. - She's taking it in, but she's very, very funny. It's been fun working. - No, I told you, it's been inspiring. Because it's looking at comedy from a different perspective. - Right. - I'm hanging out with guys that've been doing comedy for 30 years. You see their specials, they don't offer you nothing to know. You see this shit, we have nothing new to offer you. At least for Becky, we're looking at her develop. It's inspiring. Ask her, I'll hit her up every night. Where are you going tonight? Not that I could go. Not that I could meet her, but. - And then what the fuck are you going tonight back? - Because I know what does for me. Like knowing that Joey's gonna ask me that, I'm like, oh, I gotta have something to do. - I gotta go somewhere tonight. (laughing) - I don't want any guys to ever think, you know, I lived no life for so long and I saw people that complained. I never saw so many artists. They're not artists when you're fucking complaining constantly about this and this and that. It's always nice to do comedy with people who are looking at it. Not from like when I walk into a theater, I've done a theater 80,000 fucking times. I know this guy. I'm known him, you know, for 25 fucking years. But when Becky walks in, look at her. Look how she looks at the place. You know, we went to the improv. I saw you looking at it like, this is like a church. - I was excited. - And yeah, that's what we've forgotten. So every once in a while, you gotta, number two. I like having a woman on my show. And I know there's a lot of guys that are mad that you wouldn't take me on the road. The problem is, I can't serve people three orders of dick. You know, you cannot serve a person three orders of dick. Because a lot of the people come to my shows, their wives or girlfriends buy them a ticket. They don't like me, but they go to the show, he loves you. So we bought them a ticket. I want them to have somebody. Right. And you know, Becky, this is what you're doing here. This is what basically you're doing here. You're here tonight because we just wanted to bring more tonight, you all will want more. All people promise marriages and shit that doesn't. - Becky is like, she's fun on the road. You know what? She likes to eat, which is, you fit right in? You're not like, yeah, you know what I mean? - Well, that was the thing. If she would have ever complained, she wouldn't be here right now. Like if she would have started with the fucking, why are you eating this? This has fucking chemicals in it. - Why are you eating this or something? But she ate, she's a trooper. My daughter told me that the steak you guys got in Maryland was the best steak she ever had. She goes, I was going to tell Becky, I wanted the whole thing. I got to talk bad, you know. - That was a good steak. - Yeah, well, daughter still talk. Because I was the best steak I ever had. - Yeah. - But that's what this is about. It's not about, you talk to a guy in my age that does comedy. You know, you know, it's boring. - Right, my view is completely different. I'm looking at how she's looking at it. It's the way I used to look at it. Where, hey, we're having an orgy tonight. - Great. (laughing) - That's what comedy is. - Hey, my mother's birthdays tonight. You're coming by, send her a hug. (laughing) That's what, you know, when you're in these first 10 years, 11, 12 years, you don't stop to somebody acknowledge you. Not that you're gonna be on fucking Kill Tony, or you're gonna be on the Rogan podcast, or you're gonna be on this tonight show. 'Til somebody goes, "Hey, man, I've been watching you. "I like your stuff. "And I think I want to manage you, or be your agent, "or put you in my club, whatever." And then you start to get places and now, and even then, I turn the heat on even. Like, once I got to LA, like everything I did before LA was hard. But once I got to LA, now I'm in the major leagues. I'm not a major league guy, I'm a triple A guy. But they put me in the major leagues. So I'm gonna shut my fucking mouth, and I'm like, "I'm gonna act like a major leagueer." That's it. I'm not a major leagueer. I'm not by no means. I'm lucky I got 12 minutes. And that's if I improvise. But they put me in this position. So now I have to act like it, so that doubled my hunger. We were talking about Rest & Peace, Chef Garcia. That's all we knew. I knew the comedy store and Chef Garcia, Felipe Spaza, Willie Barcelona, and Edwin San Juan. Those guys had 20 rooms from eight to 10. From eight to 10, they had 20 rooms. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. In fact, they did that room two weeks ago. George called me. It was sold out to one by the Chinese poker room that they don't let white people in. You ever go out there with us? - I don't think so. - Club, something fucking dark. - The one with the tacos in front? - Perfect. This is a different one. It started at 10. - Okay. - And it's got a donut shop blockbuster. Well, at that time, I knew the chicken went on the blockbuster and they have a Chinese restaurant. Ready for this? The Chinese restaurant got cars all around it. 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock at night. - The drive through one? Cars parked. - Okay. - All around it. One way to sit and inside by himself all night. And we were walking and they went on some pork fried rice. Well, closed. You could hear them. They were gambling. - Oh shit. - They were gambling. - Oh, okay. - It was a Chinese gambling club. And then the comedy was in there. Fuck, George Perez just did it three weeks ago. He said, "I want to do a comedy." Like, he goes, "I had nothing better to do on a Monday." Sold out, kind of clock show. - They're famed. - And they used to put like the owner would put out like wings and, you know, like that type of food. Like fast food for us. The bartender was cool. They had a karaoke thing. And he was like, he gave you everybody 50 bucks. On a Monday night, you got home at one. Monday night was always a late night back then. - Well, that's fine. - But all those rooms, man, I cut my teeth on those. You know, I told you, when I moved to LA it was, I went from doing 30 sets a month in Seattle, with 24 to 40, 50 sets a month in LA. And I had a girlfriend. And she kept me with that shit too. My family's coming to town. They want to take you to dinner, send them my love. (laughing) And I still talk to her. She goes, "That's why we didn't work out." Because you used to always be busy. We're in California. We're not in fucking Michigan. We're not in Austin, we're not anywhere. We're in the real big leagues, well. Not in the moon, I don't even know what's going on in California. They're predicting that the lots are all gonna be real estate in the five years. - Well, all of the studio launch? - Yeah, probably. They should everywhere else. They don't need to be in LA anymore. - I mean, listen, man, an American tradition. Since I was a fucking kid, he'll vouch. He's my age. When was they never a fucking Christmas movie, George? Fucking Christmas, you ate whatever Christmas Eve. Christmas day, you went somewhere, and at seven o'clock, you on the phone. Listen, we're gonna go to movies. Pick up a bottle of blackberry. Blackberry, pick up three hits of acid. Everybody went to the movies in this country. The movies were back Christmas day. - With Jews? - No, with everybody. Biggest movies. - They did have, yeah. - Afterlicks, everybody. Lee, you're in the house since fucking Thursday afternoon. With the same old people, here in the same stories, hanging jingle bells songs. Friday, you're in the same people. He left over as a different food, but somebody else is out. When the cousins got together, kids that were like in high school, that, God. God, no matter what national they were. You went to the movies and you saw God's father three. The fiction came out on Christmas Day. - I think one of those movies came out. Die hard because I want to see him on Christmas Day. - Yeah. - That was an American fucking tradition. Name one movie that came out this weekend. - There's that stand-up movie, I think. I don't know if I came out this weekend. - I think about it, yeah. - I didn't know. - And I'm talking about a movie that every-- - It's not a big one, not a blockbuster. - No, but I'm talking about a movie that everybody goes to see. Not Beverly Hills Cop, or one of those is a block. Praying in places could've been a Christmas day movie. - Oh shit, really? - I tell you what the most famous Christmas day movie was. What is it? What is the biggest Christmas day release of all time? - I think you're gonna tell me like-- - And it's wrong by the way I phrased it is wrong. - Maybe Scarface? I don't know what to say. - Scarface came out Christmas day, 1983. Bombed, bombed. - Yeah, that's not a family movie. - I've been failing these days. - You could put it on YouTube. You could go on YouTube right now and look for Scarface premiere, Christmas evening in New York City and people walking out one by one. Walking out one by one going. What the fuck? - That's a fucked up movie on Christmas. Christmas, you want a movie with like-- - You know, it's a nice movie. - You're not holding that happy yet. - Yeah, you're holding that home alone. You want to take grandma, you want to even grandma. - That's not really one of those. - So when someone can kind of put the chainsaw, that's fucked up. It's fucked up on Christmas day. - And think about it. - I even expect it and don't like it. - But we didn't even get a Scarface this year. I would've gone out to see somebody get cut up this year. For Christmas, right? Fucking damn shooting bullets. You know, nothing. We got nothing. And this is the new fucking America that we're limiting. Netflix is buying everything. That means, like I said in three years, which this whole landscape is gonna change a theater. And I kind of like, you know, there's no money. But to break even if we all three of us chipped in and bought a theater and knew. - I'd love to do that. - There's no money. We have to rent those movies and they charge you on all of them. - No, not the cheap ones. Good to do like a dollar movie theater or do like a new Beverly. - No, I don't. - But even if we, where we get those movies, for that fucking cheap. - They have some deal. - If they charge you like-- - Well, like old run movies, second one, whatever it's called. But like, let me ask, 'cause like you're here back here, like the young correspondent. You're like, like the 27 year olds go to movies, like what do you do? - I just sit at home. - You know, what do your friends do? - They're sitting at home. - Really? So people just like, like I'm not, why am I gonna go pay to watch? - Yeah, everyone's just on their own scrolling. Look at him right now. - Yeah, he won't get off the phone. He could have a football game on and be watching something else like into it. - I'm like, no, you're right, you're right. - The video's the future. - Well, I was 18, 19, 25, 30, right. You went to a club, you went in Kweilu, you got a couple drinks for you. You grinded with a girl. You fucking grinded with a, you know, shit, clothes came off a t-shirt. Some guy with no shirt on, with a lot of muscles. - Now they're just doing this. (laughing) This is it. See, he thinks that one's cool. He kept saying, "Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look." - Let me go, let me get a, let me get you Instagram. I'll hit you up later to that. I'll pull up. - Pull up, what are you talking about? - Do you find Mercy talking like this? Like this Mercy laugh at like six, seven. I don't even know what it means, but I just know people do it now. - What? - What does it mean back here when people go six, seven? - I don't know. - But she's, I have no, okay, it just means nothing. But she doesn't do any of that stuff at your house. - Yeah, okay, I think that's what it is. I've heard. It just means nothing. - She knows it won't fly. - Yeah. - Not you, my daughter. I'm sorry, you've been doing it. - Yeah, no, no, no, I just-- - Oh, this, whatever this means. - That's right. - Fuck no. But it's a different, you know, it's a different thing. So, what are you gonna do? It's to roll with the punches. - But yeah, she knows, she knows. Like, what would you do if she started talking to you like that? - I'll have a fucking heart attack. I have a fucking heart attack because, you know, later on, she could do it on a fuck sheet wall. When she's in my house, talking like fucking, "Fambo Joe." I don't need that shit, you know? Yo, yo, yo, I'm gonna pull up. Not in my fucking house. You live in Marbro, what do you, you know? What the fuck are you gonna pull up? - What do you, where your bike? What do you mean, what the fuck are these people talking about? I don't know what they're talking about, you know. I feel so old. Like, I had to ask somebody a day. I've heard this expression before, but last week I put a video out from Miami. Talk, I put millions of videos up. When I tell you, I looked at my phone at one point, and I had 130 mentions, and it was the same video. And people were putting on my hero, no cap, no cap. And I'm like, what the fuck is no cap? And I asked one of the young guys, he goes, "That means you're not lying." Is that what that means, no cap? - Yeah, I said no, I don't like it either. I don't know what it means. - Right. - This one's saying to you, what the fuck knows anymore? What's hip and what's not fucking hip? I just know that you serve lamb and lentil fucking tacos at your fucking wedding. - No, Joe, it's in the right angle. I think I'm damn it. - We're all gonna be at the Dojo comedy January 1st, except Lee, we're all gonna be there. Sam Tripoli, Florentine, Rich Boss. We got, he sent me something today. Staten Island, the 31st at the St. George Theater. And we've also got, we have Tampa and Marks, we have, - No, no, we're just talking about January. Why confuse these poor white people? January 22nd, eight o'clock, the Dojo, Bucket of Chaos, January 1st, eight o'clock, Sam Tripoli, and January 30th, we're at St. George Theater in Staten Island. Becky will be with me and Leo will be with me. I don't know what Lee's got this week. He told me something on the Jimmy Kimmel and do a guest spot. - I didn't say that. - Can I come? - Well, I'm gonna be in Vegas if you wanna come. I'm gonna try to get a set, make sure you follow me. I, on January 5th, I'm at the comedy shop, is my next spot in the city. - What you have there? - I got a couple of spots in Jersey. Just like the little spots. We were like, yeah, January 8th, I'm in the garden. Yep, that's right, correct. - It don't fucking matter. Guys, thank you for a very good year. I love you to all my heart from all three of us. Nikki, Uncle George, all of us. Thank you for supporting us and having our back. Have a happy new year. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, getting old, it's hard. But you fight it with Bob's naturals. It dissolves in any liquid without taste or clump. Third-party lab tested, NSF certified, whole-dirty approved. Listen, I put in a couple of protein shakes. Couple of weeks, I might look like Bella Figura over here. And there will be a jump on the Bob's naturals. Listen, Bob's naturals just doesn't make the best collagen peptides in the world. Live better longer. For a limited time, church listeners are getting 20% off Bob's naturals by using cold church at checkout, CHURCH. So just head to Bob's naturals.com, B-U-B-S, naturals.com. Tell them that the church pointed you in the direction. All right? [BLANK_AUDIO]