Joel McHale Returns

my name is Joel McCale and I feel blank about being Conan O'Brien's friend you know when I look into your eyes I get blank Fall is near here the yellow back to school ring the bell brand new shoes walking loose climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Hey there welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend people are giggling here in the studio I don't know why I'll just yeah I'll just go with it and I am I'm here with my buds my buds my contractual buds Sonoma Sassian Matt Gourley and I don't even know want to know why you're giggling you know that's your business sometimes we just giggle it's okay we talk before hit I want to ask you a question yes I saw your band perform a couple weeks ago I went to the lodge room in Highland Park to watch the Vagotas you guys crushed it it was so much fun it's a lot of fun to do and you look like you're having a really good time yeah I love it it's really fun it's a pretty simple story I was feeling like I was getting stagnant on guitar and then in this studio I don't know how long ago maybe two three years ago we had Nora Jones on the show oh yeah and afterwards she always knew that I played guitar and it was kind of a hobby of mine she said how's that going and I said you know what I just feel like I'm I need to work with someone because I'm I'm just playing the same things over and over again I'm not learning anything new I'm not challenging myself and she said I know a great guy give this guy a call and she gave me this name Jason Roberts Jason Roberts and so I called him up and Jason shout out to Jason and Jason Roberts and yeah so I call this guy up he comes over to my house he's fantastic and he's an amazing player and so we just started hanging out like once a week and he'd or once every two weeks whenever I had time and he would show me things and we would play together and I just had a blast and then one day not that long ago like six months ago I said hey if we were to start a band would you know the guys he said oh I know the guys and cut to immediately I'm in a garage in Noho and playing with an amazing keyboard player named Ben and Jason's on guitar Josh is on drums and Eric is a killer bass player and I do vocals and rhythm guitar and occasional goofy solos and it's just fun it's really fun so we started playing these really tiny venues we played a really kooky venue in Ohai which was fun and it was this older crowd and so I started to tell them Ohai yeah in Ohai was this older crowd that they politely applauded when me came out and it was a pretty small room and so I started telling them that listen I know that your minister doesn't allow you to dance and they all started laughing and then I went on this whole thing about I don't care what the minister says screw that you have a right to dance it's not a sin and so they all started getting up these older people and they were all dancing and it was kind of a happening so we've been playing these shows we just did the Moroccan which is down near the train station in downtown LA and that was fun what do you do covers I assume we do all what are some songs you guys do there's one song I wrote myself called Bad Podcast Partners oh okay self-reflexive how does it go? how does it go? you know finding something that rhymes with goryly was hard well it's right there, poorly but yeah and then Mavcessian forget it no no no we do we play a wide variety of I mean I love rockabilly so there's some old rockabilly tunes but there's also Elvis Costello, Harry Nelson what Harry Nelson signed it in? well we've been playing around with jump into the fire yeah I just like it to be sort of an eclectic mix we do a song by the band we do we sort of jump around but what I like is I like fast energetic things where I can channel my hyperactivity but the musicians are so good that I just get to enjoy being on stage with them it's really fun so it's that's so cool yeah and I've been well what was your impression seeing it? you can be honest oh my god I had so much fun watching you it's really you you really enjoy it you've always enjoyed it you played the guitar when we would rehearse and you know I would do that more than I would do the comedy more than you would rehearse everybody would just kind of wait until you were done and then we would rehearse people were so annoyed it was no I mean it's your it's your show you can know whenever you want but it's I think that it's really cool it's a great creative outlet I know you have a band to tack has a band everyone should have a band it's like if you know how to play music why not get together with other people who play music and then just play music together yeah well the my thing is we're called the Vagoda's after Avagoda yeah terrific actor from the Godfather and Fish and Barney Miller but he was a part of my show for many many years and I always thought if I ever have a band I'm going to call it the Vagoda's and we got permission from Abe's family and so now we got merch and I swear to God 99% of the reason to have a band is to have the merch with Avagoda's face up yeah it's really fun it's really fun so you get to choose like the songs do they can I mean they're younger these musicians do they know do they know these songs you know who you are they don't know who I am no idea okay they're always shocked that people seem to come to the shows and know me they're like oh you must have played this club before no they they do know a bunch of the songs but I'm also surprised sometimes I'll bring up a song that I think everybody knows and they don't because I'm an older fella and then they well they're really young yeah it's not just that it doesn't have anything to do with your being older it's just that like me you guys reference things all the time that I don't know what you're talking about yeah like the Civil War okay Abraham Lincoln Abraham Vagoda that would be his full first name I guess so yeah oh my god my mind is blown right now Mary Todd Vagoda yeah one garbage wrap this up Abraham Vagoda just really blew me away I know that was the most stunned I've ever seen you Avagoda wait a minute Abraham Vagoda you laugh like you just split the atom you don't expect the full names to come in here you certainly don't it's a good point Matthew Gourley telling telling so anyway that's my hobby but I would say I can't say enough about these youngsters that are playing with me they're just they are the franchise they're really fun and they're so good at what they do and they're lovely, funny guys do they say things and you're like what? I'm not saying that I know I'm really harping on the fact that they're really they're really young that's why I'm like very impressed that they're like doing all this stuff with you because these are songs I've never heard of before a lot of them yeah well what would be the song you would want you'd want us to do Queen well yeah but I mean yeah I'd want you to do Queen but also I don't know we do Rihanna's umbrella is that true? you do? no yeah I do the JZ rap every it's the way to get people out of the club if there's a that's what we do if there's a fire or any kind of health emergency I start playing I start singing Rihanna's umbrella and wrapping the JZ parts and the place clears out you should do people what's that? you should do people oh my god oh my god yes men in black theme song this is so cool though I'm really happy you're doing this I think it's really cool well we'll be coming soon to a to a venue near you all right let's get into this okay my guess today is an actor and a comedian comedian sure he's a friend so I can get away with that who start on the NBC series community one of the greatest shows of all time now you can see him in season five of the Fox series Animal Control he is a good pal I've known him for a long time he is a quality fellow we hang a lot and I'm thrilled he's here today Joel MacKale welcome these are compulsive sips of ice coffee you're taking have you seen this? yeah you are drinking them in a very excessive comfortable way as if it wouldn't get you enough yeah really that's great yeah it's a problem okay I don't know if you have a coffee right here if you want that's ejaculate yeah I didn't know the fleet was in town so sorry my mom's gonna love it this is a terrible episode I'm gonna say a front how can you say it right now but I can declare I can declare a doctor can declare a patient dead the minute it's brought in if there's no heartbeat and no sign of life Joel when we talk to you about something yes you and I are friends in real life I hate to admit it but it's true it's we've hung out a lot I enjoy your company I enjoy yours and then today we're supposed to start recording this at noon yeah and you sail in at like 25 past noon Al Pacino doesn't do that Barack Obama doesn't do that we have heavy hitters come on this show you cruising late I've a pretty good excuse let's hear it I forgot your gift (laughing) - Is that true? - Yeah, and I went back and got it. - You brought me a gift. - I did. - I see this thing. - Yeah. - I literally turn around. I was like, fuck. - We've talked about this gentleman on the past. For years, Joel McCale has been giving me mostly weapons. - Yeah. - As mostly. - It got to a point where they were all over the house and I think my son once was walking around with-- - I hope it was a bowie knife. (laughing) - It was a, it was like a cimitar. And I got it out of his hands and then I took all of the weapons you've given me and put them up on a really high shelf. We've talked about that. If I'm ever attacked in my home, I will retreat to my closet, reach up on a high shelf. And in my stumbling and panic, all of them will come falling down and I'll be killed. And then it'll turn out the intruder was just someone who was here to fix the AC. - At three in the morning. - At three in the morning, which is when I like my AC fix. Let's open this up. - Sarah, wrap it. - What's that? - My wife wrapped it, Sarah. - She did a beautiful job. - Thank you. - I love Sarah, by the way. - Yes, I'm very lucky. - 30 years, guys. - 30 years. - This, this, this is another weapon. - Wait, what, sword cane? - Yes. - I've always wanted a sword cane. - This is like, this is a good one. - This is a good one. - Oh my God. - Wow. - This is a real. - This is real. - Where do you get these things? Because you know what, some of the things that you've given me, I've later been told are illegal. - Yeah. - Is this illegal? - That is illegal. - I think it's illegal. - What? - Air is gonna know. - Air is gonna, Georgia, you can get 'em. There's a number of irresponsible. - Do you have a poising tipped umbrella? - I don't have a pointed tipped umbrella. - Or like a knife umbrella? Oh my God. - Look at this. - This is, we're talking about this. - This is, first of all, what is this made? It's, it's, it's well made. - It's really well made. - Cold steel does not mess around. That's the name of the company. - Oh, you getting a free, free stuff? - This is not free. I paid for this. - Is that like carbon fiber or something? - It's like carbon fiber on the outside. Look at this. I love that this is a QVC or cold field for just weapons. You and I should do a show where it's just weapons and all the prices are on the side and people. - Do you know what I mean? - And it's cold done in it. - We could start our own brand and I'm not gonna. Just pull, pull on it. - Just pull. - Yeah. - Feel that. - Yeah, that's gonna, yeah. - Oh yeah, that's nice. - It's just, it's just, yeah, you just stick that straight into somebody. It's gonna go right through. - I should say, penal code 20510 under California law. It is a crime to possess manufacturer import cell or give in California a cane. - This is also check off sword cane. We're one of us has to die by the end of this episode. - Yeah. - Yeah, no, it's true. Check off all we said in drama if gun is introduced. Eventually it has to be fired. - Yeah. - Oh. - And the third party. (laughing) - No, I meant, I meant check off from Star Trek. - Oh, that's okay, and gun meant phaser. So yeah, we're all good here now. Sorry, nothing. - This is, and also, let's just scroll around. - Well, I'm a tall gentleman. - Yeah. - This is great. - This is, maybe I can, yeah, you look like Paul Feig. - What's up? (laughing) - You look like Paul Feig wherever he goes. - This is terrific. - We're seeing what will become the undoing. - And then, you know. - Oh my God. - And then you want to just do incredible. - I love this. - And you could just be, one of you could be talking, and then all of a sudden, you get that weird look, and the point just comes out of your chest and you pull it back. - You know what, you are such a great, I love the gifts that you give me. You know, every morning, he gave me a very dangerous switchblade where the blade comes straight out of the handle. - On a matter of words, yeah. - And the logo is like an eagle's talent. - Yeah, that's a micro tech. - And you told me when you gave it to me, this is very legal. - Very legal. - It's very cool. It's got this bright orange handle. I keep it in my drawer, in my bathroom, and in the morning, when you have to open up like anything, like an aspirin or anything that has that little plastic, I reach, you know, that's covering the lid. I reach in and I go, and then just do the simplest thing that you could do with a pair of scissors or anything. - It's bad ass. - It's so bad. - And then it retracts. - And it's got, it's a double spring action. - Yes. - Yeah. - You can get those in Georgia as well. - So Georgia is a place where you can just get - You can do anything. - You also, well. - How do you get them from Georgia? You can't fly with them, right? - You can have, they've been, you have to kind of chase, you used to be able to get them on Amazon for a while. - Did you buy this in Georgia and then stroll all the way? (laughing) - Backpack school. - Through the Southwest. - Automatic math. - You're into California. - You know what you are? You're the Johnny Apple seat of death. (laughing) - Roaming across America. - Just, I love this. You know, you give such great gifts, and you've given me, I was thinking, - Crossbow. - Yeah, yeah. - Give me a crossbow. - Yeah. - And I've, I was worried that I was like, man, I'm gonna just bring him guns now. And just get just a higher caliber guns each time. (laughing) - In Wisconsin, I think is the most dangerous state. - Why is that? - Because there's no helmet law, fireworks are your round. Weed is fully legal, and obviously alcohol. Unlike Georgia, where weed is not legal, but you don't have to wear a helmet. - You've really looked into the rule. - Well, there's no rules in Wisconsin. - You started a militia or something? - Well, it would be a pretty irresponsible militia with no helmets. And you could just be like throwing, - When you say no helmets, you mean you're riding your motorcycle. - You do not need a helmet. - You don't need a helmet, but you can cover your head in lit fireworks. - And weed. - But in Georgia, it's weed is still illegal. - So yeah, yeah. - Let's talk about you. - All right. (laughing) - I know you don't wanna do that. But we have been friends for a long time. I enjoy hanging out so much with you, your wife Sarah, who's spectacular. - She is. - And Eddie. - Well, we both. - We both did well. - Your kids are great, Eddie Isaac. We always have a fun time. - Yeah, we miss the days when bucket and that would come over. - It's back it. - We used to, our kids called them bucket. - Yeah. - And it turns out he's a super genius button. - Yeah, we said. - Very smart, great man. - But yeah, we should have named him bucket. - I was shocked to learn. I don't wanna talk to you about this. Sarah, your wife, who's one of the coolest people I've ever met, she takes her own vacations. - Yes. - And you don't go on them. - No. - So there are vacations from Joel McKell. - Yes, because you could, from the moment I walked in here, you all thought this is a lot already. - I need a vacation. - Yeah, this is requiring a lot of attention and it's not giving necessarily. It's taking all the time. - I think, so where does she go? - Iceland. - Like the. - Your wife, coast to Iceland, to get away from you. - Yeah. - She wants. - That's not, I would understand. Well, she likes to go down to the Caribbean and just chill for a little bit. Great, she goes to Iceland to escape you. - She did that one time. She went to Egypt. Yup. - And how long has she gone for? - I don't know. (laughing) - It seems like a long time. (laughing) - Yeah. - Sometimes she'll be back and make, weren't you the, and she'll be back. - Yeah. - Just stubborn back. - And then you're looking at the Instagram and you're like, "Who's that guy?" - Yeah. - We got two other families. (laughing) She has this friend who, wait a minute. And so she organizes these trips where they all, she's a yoga teacher and she's like, "I just want to go to Argentina "and she'll set up the whole trip." And then this kind of group goes and they have this grand old time and they go tour. They don't do too much yoga, but they do. They, she kind of sets up these tours and she has a grand old time. - I have the same situation with Liza where she'll go someplace and then I'm aware that she's having a really good time. - Yes. - And then she comes back and she just feels like, you know, she's, she's finally, she's finally have true happiness. - Yes. - And then I come in the door and go, "You're back, baby!" (laughing) - And I just see the light go out of her eyes. - It, we, she wouldn't, yeah, she'll face time from a boat and be so happy. - Yeah. - And her friends will be there. Yeah, it'll be, well, yeah. The first night when she was gone to Egypt, I, one of our dogs got skunked in the face and walked in and then I forgot to give our other dog Epilepsy medicine. So she had been gone for two hours and the house smelled like all the wires were burning and then I was at the end. - And the dog was in the corner. - And just convulsing and flipping out. - Completely flipping out, but all night and I was like, "This day one, day one, this is great." - Well, she needs that, she needs that vacation. - Yeah. - How often are you gone? - I'm gonna do these travel shows. I'm gone for, well, Liza has started coming on a few of them but she's very smart. So, oh, I'm going to Madrid and I'm gonna hang out with Javier Bardem for a show. Liza wants to come, you know? Oh, I'm going to Amsterdam. Liza's coming along, but when I go, you know, to Conan in the jungles of Guam. - She's like. - No where to be found. - Yeah. - Yeah, part. Now, where are you going for like two weeks, like when you're in there? - It depends on the trip, but it can be 10, 11 days. And how has the stomach been? - Fine, actually. I have to tell you, fine. - Nothing, nothing. Never got crazy? - Well, I'm not a suit. - I'm not Anthony Bourdain, so I'm not roaming around the streets, shoving a lot of street food into my mouth. - Okay. - But I've been just really lucky. And also, yeah, it's been very fortunate. - So if you got invited to the Yucatan Oyster Fest, would you go? - I would go, I would not eat the oysters. - Well, that's kind of defeats the purpose of the Yoyster Fest. - I just don't like oysters. - But I would enthusiastically go, I would talk to everyone about how happy I was to be at the Yucatan Oyster Fest. - Okay. - And then when someone offered me one, I'd say, "Why would I want to eat flam from the bottom of the sea?" - And they're like, "You're insulting the Yucatan Oyster Fest." - And I'd say, "No, I'm insulting all oysters." - Oh. - I just, are you an oyster guy? I'm not an oyster guy. - Ah, I'm afraid. I love them, I love eating them, but it is one of my, that I don't like to think I have a lot of neuroses. - Oh, you have a ton of neuroses here. - Okay. - You realize when you sip, (laughing) - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - Very, let's be very honest about what your issues are. I've noticed that Joel is an amazing grill master and cook, he makes, I go over to his house and he grills up these incredible meats and it's perfection and he's a real artist about picking the right. - Right, very upset. - You are. - But I can tell that when you're doing it, you're in some kind of a zone. - A tunnel. - A tunnel. - Meat tunnel. - Huh. - Okay. - What? I saw a movie called Meat Tunnel. (laughing) - Who was in it? - Well, they were using different names. - Okay. - Let's just put it that way. - All right. - And leave it at that. - I get very mad about it. - Not mad, I get very like worked up about whether I get the steak right. - Yeah. - Which is not healthy, probably. - Yeah, but you're great at it. - I don't know my cholesterol this, but. - I think you've had too hard attacks since you've been on the podcast today. - Which accounts for some of your meandering's. - Ah. - At good. Time for another sip. (laughing) - It's been four seconds. - Remember on the COVID show, you were like, "Pulsive gulp." - On the COVID show, you were not taking me down this cold as second. 90 miles an hour right now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had a good, we had a good little chat. - That was good. - But oysters I did get poisoned once when I was a kid and I've still been afraid. So I'm like, "Oh, if I eat this oyster, "what do I have going tomorrow?" - Yeah. - And is this gonna be a whole thing? - Yeah. - But so yeah. - I've just always been a phobic about oysters. Can't do it. - I like most shellfish. Are you an oyster guy? - I like oysters, yeah. - Okay, you did. - I've never had one. - You've never had one? - Never. - Never. - But he's from Illinois, they're, you know. - They're still. - Southern Illinois, you know. - Oysters? - Yeah, I live close to this restaurant which has great oysters. - They do have great oysters. - Yeah. - Those are, - Should we have some? - Should we have some? - Yeah, I'm out on oyster. - Yeah, you're out on oyster. See? - I knew it. - Would you like to have some now? - If we could get some in by the end of this episode, would you guys-- - No, I would not try and oyster. - You would not. - I started this by saying I really don't like oysters and I don't wanna have an oyster. - Here, yeah. - We could get them in right now. - Hear me out though. - Would you have that? - I would travel in the L.A. heat from a restaurant to here. - I feel like there's a lot of high-end, you know. These oysters came right from Phoenix. We can ice the oysters. - Yeah, I would do it. I love them. - I love them. - All right. - A little lemon. - Segment, yeah. (laughing) - Then we'd all get a little orandy. (upbeat music) - You. - Yes. - Love game shows. - I do. - Love them. - And this is a point of separation for us. - Why? - Because I've never-- I think I don't like games. And so whenever I was on a game show, I'd just be trying to remember the rules. You know, when someone does a card trick and they're like, okay, which card is it? Now, remember that card, but here's another card. I just get so tense that I don't enjoy myself at all. And then I forget which card was mine. I say the wrong one. The magician gets angry. Do you play any puzzles on your phone? - I do a lot of crosswords and things like that. Yeah, but I'm not someone who would enjoy being a game show host. I think I'd screw it up. - What if-- - But you really like it. - Is there a number though, where you're like? (laughing) - I'll do it. Yes. - Okay. - Right. - So let's just meet that number. And it's very low, but I'd make some terrible investments. - 'Cause I host the 1% club on Fox next day on Hulu. (laughing) Who are you looking at? (laughing) - Where's this camera? - Whichever. - For a minute it was me and I got really uncomfortable. - Yes. But I-- - And what are the rules of the 1%, if I was, let's say I was on the show as a contestant, what would my task be? - You just answer these puzzles. They show you the puzzle. You have 30 seconds to answer them. But you do the, there's like, the 90% question, which is we asked 100 people, 90 of them got it right. Here's that question. - I would get the 1% questions and I would get wrong the 90% questions. - That happens to me all the time. - So I'm terrible at the game, but I love mocking people for getting a question from. - Yeah, that's my question. Here's my question, because Game Show host, when I was growing up anyway, were always kind of avancular and kind and sweet. - Hmm. - You are dick. - You're dick. (laughing) - I just were trying to give a better word than, but then no, dick is it. - Yeah. - So it's okay for you to be a dick on the 1% club. - Yes. - Next day on Hulu, which yeah, thank you. (laughing) Yeah, that was part of it. I was like, I have to be able to ridicule these people as they get these questions wrong. So, even though you wouldn't be able to get them. - Yeah, and I tell them that all the time, right? And I also say, I'm not, I'm bad at reading. I'm fully dyslexic. And so when I read the questions, they can be pretty complicated. I'm like, just read the question. Don't listen to me because I'm going to screw it up. So you guys read it. So I'm, they're amazing. - You're a terrible host. - I'm not bad at it. And you know what the prize is? It's a bag of oysters, which is, (laughing) - That's right. - Which is. (laughing) - Mmm, fresh from the desert. - We got these from Oklahoma. So yeah, but I love them. - But you love them, you know, Andy Richter loves game shows too. He's always, he loves the host them. He has in the past. - He has, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. You know, he's a very funny host, but he enjoys that world. And I think, I'm a phobic about it. I'm phobic about games like that. - Really? - Yeah, I kind of am. - Yeah. - They would pay you a lot of money. - Listen, money's never been my thing. - No, you'll excuse me. - I would say taste, I never been your fan. (laughing) - I say you spent a lot of money, but I'm kidding. - My jacket taste is through the roof, fabulous. - Through the roof. - Is that Tom Ford? - We're not talking about kids. - I'm a man of the people who walks around with a sword king. (laughing) - Please, I'm just a regular average Joe. - Just rammeling. - I'm getting killed by this later today. - Yeah. - I'm gonna hurt myself. - Yeah, when you put it in your car, just be careful. - I'm gonna come. - Yeah, or it won't be the problem. - I'll go into an in and out with it. (laughing) - Forget some of your sword. - Forget some of your sword. - What are these guys doing here? - What's that? - These guys? - Yeah. - Yeah, that is. - Well, Matt jumps in every now and then and just sticks the shiv in between my fifth and sixth rib. - And he gets like how you're sitting. - You got one. - It's good, it's nice. - I can't pull the pillow aside, went nowhere. - Eduardo built this place and I don't mean just with his hands, he is a genius audio engineer. Blay is here to occasionally shout into the microphone, right, but also to keep us on track. - I'm a good laugher. - You are. - Oh, right, yeah, there you go. And David, what do you do? - I don't know. - Yeah. - Oh, Sonna couldn't be here, David fills in. - Yeah. - Okay. - And so I think we're happy crew. - I think it's good. - And you know Matt from Nirvana the Man of the Show. - Yeah, Matt and Jay from Nirvana the Man of the Show. - And you brought that up because it came up earlier. - He just mentioned he liked Tony when he was in the green room and I said I was, - Oh, so your brick, I was just showing up on something that happened in the green room. - Before we started recording. - Yes. - You know, I'm so glad I have a sword cane right now. - Music. - Because little assides and you're like, no, no, no, that's a joke off of something we did in the green room before we started recording when you weren't bare-coded. Because you were going over notes to prepare for the great Joel McHale sit down. Notes that say things like oysters. - Wait, you have oysters. - Like fraternity. - You were briefly in a fraternity. - I was briefly. - And then you left because they asked you to leave. - Well, no. - I just, it was very dirty. - What do you mean? - Oh, not clean. - Yeah. - It wasn't, I'm sure there's some, I have a lot of my friends have enjoyed fraternities and sororities. - I was not in a fraternity. We didn't have fraternities in college, but, so this was a fraternity you joined, thinking all this would be fun. We'll put on Togas, we'll throw kegs out the window and we'll change the musicians with the guys and we'll be great. - Yeah. - And they, it wasn't. - Yeah, it wasn't for me. They were actually, it was, it was okay. I moved home and then lived at home for the rest of college, which was a whole different type of fraternity. - That's a whole other thing. You didn't just leave the fraternity. - Yeah, I left. - You went home. - I went home. - Were you close? - That's a quick question. Were you kicked out of school? - No, I should have been. - Yeah. - Because I-- - So why'd you move home? - 'Cause I was like, ah, figure out a place to stay later. Ironically, I'm friends with a number of the people in the fraternity still yeah, they now live at your home. Yeah Rodi my friend Rodi, of course anybody in a fraternity is named Rodi. Yeah, it wasn't it wasn't a pleasant time, but then I was like, we were all making our way. It's trying hard. You played football in college. I did, which they were that was great. They were that was a good group because they had a really good goal, which was win football games. And the fraternity at that time, I hear everything has changed since then, but at the fraternity of that time, you know the goals were much different. Maybe they are the same now. I don't know. I'm wandering around. I would hate to be in your mind. It's just such a rats me. And that's you saying that. That's me. I know that's me. Yeah. But yeah, so I see now why you left. I wanted to live in a sorority because they they was they were clean. Yeah. And full of girls. Okay. Yeah. You're bored. Just bored tears. I'm no, I just I'm trying to figure out if that's a cool thing to say in the modern era. I wanted to live in a sorority because of all them goils. Are we allowed to do that anymore? I well, you didn't do that other stuff. Yeah. And I want to live. I want to go with a goils. With a sword gainer, really, this guy a sword game. I loved playing football. That was it was very dangerous, but but ultimately very rewarding. You are a very muscular man. Thank you talked about this. And this despite the fact that you don't really do weight training. I've tried to encourage you to do that. I do do weight training. Really? Yes. That's all I do. Be more muscular if you did that. What? It's a down time. When do you work out? You get up in the morning first. Yeah. Well, it depends on the day. I haven't worked out today because I had to wake up early. Yeah, clearly, you were 20 minutes late. To get your gift. Am I the latest out of anybody who's done your podcast? No, who is the latest? Oh, she had to go get you a gift. You know what? Kesha was super late, but no one mind it. No. Because she came in. She was fantastic. She looked amazing. All of her stories had a beginning, middle, and end. She was kind of wearing pants. There was, yeah. And she had a shirt with your face on it. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was the, that's what I love so much. I was like, you look amazing. And then I did the whole bing, bing, bang, aluga, aluga. And then I was canceled. Wait. If I had won. Okay. If I had just worn a t-shirt with your face on it, I'd love you. This would be my favorite podcast ever episode. I have a Craig Killborne shirt, but that's about it. Really? No. Okay. I gave it to this Smithsonian. Okay. The only one you're aside are jewels. Each aside, you make this is an absolute jewel. Two out of four are kind of enjoying them. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I don't know where they come from. I don't know what they mean. You're a Seattle guy. Yes. As are you an honorary Seattle guy? I am an honor. I married into Seattle. It's from Seattle. I go there all the time. I love it. Greatest city. We invented everything. Yeah. It's just the sky being three inches above the sidewalk. Okay. Airplanes, coffee, perpetual depression, online shopping. I do love it. Shall I go on? I love Seattle. I really do. And you, you got sort of your start in Seattle because you did theater games. I didn't know this about you. So I always try and find out something about you I didn't know before. You did theater games improv at Pikes Place Market. Yeah. Were they throw the fish and catch them? Yeah. I'm there all the time because we sort of always stay in that part of downtown and I wander around. So I'm there constantly. Tell me, what was it like doing improv while people were throwing raw fish around? Well, the theater is now you've been to the gum wall. The gum wall at Pikes Place Market is truly a disgusting. It's got to be the most unsanitary described what it is. Monument in all of the world is my guess. It is just people chew gum and then stick it to the wall. And you think, oh, there are millions have gone through. As a thing that's like what? Yes. And it smells like a homeless person's crotch. There it is. That's the guy. And I know what a homeless person's crotch smells. You know what I it's there's the theater. That literally that window is the theater where you got your start. And now it's covered in gum. You know what I love to do. I do this all the time. I go to the gum wall. I peel off a piece of gum and I plant it on a crime scene. I've had more innocent people who are just tourists arrested. I swear to you officer. I was not moving along now. You're coming with us. It was a wonderful time. So you like doing improv. It was so great because it got me comfortable on stage for hours and hours. And I was able to. And when did that go away? How dare you? How dare you? Can't run you. Oh, I don't even need this. I don't need this. I've got my sword chain right here. I think when did it go away? No. It really did like. Yeah, you get beyond stage for hours. That's what I did first. I did improv. And it was when I first got started out here 1985. I thought it was the 50s. I'm sorry, 1955. I had my hair greased back. It just voted for Eisenhower. I remember just I get you up on stage and it gets you thinking and moving and I loved being in front of people. So it was great. It was great. Yeah. And it kept me was called unexpected productions. We did theater sports. And it was just hours and hours of so. And I remember just I remember thinking this is what I this is what I want to do. This is that I got to do this as much as I can and tell I have to get a real job. Yep. Boy, they're still doing it. There's people in that company that I did. They're still going. Oh, yeah. And I've gone back on stage with them. They're like first. Yeah. Yeah. And they're so much better now. I mean, I'm like, God dang. It's like getting it's like playing a sport you haven't played in years. I'm like, I'm sorry. No, not very good at this anymore. So I always a good thing to start off with when you're on stage. I suck at this. And then it just gets super racist. Um, but you're good at it. Thank you. Uh, you know all the different races so well. Thank you. You've gotten much better. So, um, it's yeah. Have you got into a theater? Are you we should go to a show there sometime? I've done to a bunch of different shows. I haven't been to a show there, but I have seen a lot of theater in, uh, in Seattle. And what happens when you walk in? What does that mean? People go, I'd fuck him. I don't know. No, I mean, if Donald Brian walks into that's what people say audibly. I'd fuck him. It's weird. You're like, we're doing this 12th night. Yeah. Exactly. No, no, we mean when I walk it, nothing happens. I sit down and people go, Oh, that guy. I just saw him at the market. He was peeling gum off a wall. He framed it. People planted it. That's the last play you saw. I don't remember. We said, oh, all the time, we used to go see theater with our kids, you know, kids there. So, you know, we would go to see, uh, Christmas. Yeah. That kind of thing. Christmas story. Yeah. Christmas story. Whatever it is. You bought you just watch a movie. The John Hugh, the fainted. I used to take my kids to see movies. And then I would say, wasn't that a good play? And then, and then I got points for taking my kids to theater. And people would say, what did you see? And they would say endgame. We saw the point that just endgame has done by the Royal Shakespeare Company. That's a great scam. Oh, I love the theater. What did you just see? Obsessions. So you come down to L.A. because I'm trying to figure out your trajectory. Come down to L.A. And you're, you're getting little acting parts here and there. Yeah, I, uh, I went to acting school at the University of Washington, uh, UW, UW, uh, go dogs. Let it go. All right. Let it go. And, uh, and I, yeah, I did for three people. It's people listening to this on their serious school and their serious radio are stopping their rental car getting out and shooting into the hood with a gun. Why would you destroy their car? I didn't say it wasn't an overreaction. But yeah, I will say we have the coolest student of all time at the UW. Who went to UW? Who's that? Who was the cooler? You went to Harvard, right? Sure. You're bringing up all the time. And you just did. Coolest graduate of all time, other than you, uh, you had presidents, right? Yeah. And you guys did you go to college? Harvard. Uh, yeah, everyone here. That's the only people I hired. Yeah, that's why they're all wearing border boards. Bruce Lee, we had Bruce Lee. Oh, yeah, of course. And also, so guess what? Bruce Lee's buried there. Yeah. Is he really? Yeah, he's not on, he's right on Capitol Hill right now. Yeah. And so is Jimmy Hendrix. Yes. Barriest people are buried in Seattle. This is Sarah's parents. No joke are buried in the same, uh, graveyard as Jimmy Hendrix heard, because Sarah's father died a long time ago and was buried there. So, uh, there, there's a fun story. Sarah, I thought of a sketch. This is, since we're doing, you know, crazy, uh, side commentary here, I thought of a sketch, uh, not long ago where it's heaven and someone gets up to heaven and they've just died. And of course, their dream, you know, whenever someone who loves guitar dies, they say, you know, what they're doing right now, they're jamming with Jimmy Hendrix and John Lennon and Elvis and that guy shows up and Jimmy Hendrix and John Lennon and Elvis are just so sick of this shit. >> That's all they, they, and they're like, they, and God is like, come on, it's what they, no, I can't fucking do it anymore. These guys can't even play. >> I mean, guys from Jethro Tull are like, we'll play with anybody. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> You guys want to do some rock flute? Sorry. >> Those girls are still alive. >> I think there's still two of them. >> They're alive and that's a credible band. I think you picked the wrong band. >> Glass tiger? Remember that band? What, why do you do this? >> There's still a life. >> And when I say, why do you do this? >> No, forgive me when I'm gone. >> When I say, why do you do this? I mean, why do you come here when I ask? When I ask you. >> I was invited and much like a vampire. Now you're screwed. You invited me into your home. >> Never invite the Joel McAllen here forever now. >> Is it weird when you have guests on that are way less famous than you? >> No, I love that because then I get to be the alpha dog. >> That's true. >> And I get to go like, look at you. You haven't achieved what I have achieved. >> Do you? >> Now listen to me, see? >> See? >> No, no. >> Did you, like, when you interviewed McJager, were you like, you're in LA all the time. You could have come to the studio. >> I did. I actually made a very passive-aggressive in the interview. I said, oh, I guess we had to do it here in London because you're McJager. And a lot of people said it ruined the interview because I think I spent most of the interview just, I couldn't get over it. So couldn't you have met me halfway? >> I like this. >> Which would be, which would be a Nova Scotia? >> He's just strolling through Halifax on the beach. >> Was he nice? >> He was lovely. He was lovely. Incredibly smart, whip smart. >> What are you saying? >> You'll get there. You just need more time. You need more stage time. >> That's what you need. >> Okay. >> I'm very fascinated with, and maybe we've talked about this before, but it just fascinates me. Anytime I visit you, you have a new vehicle. But it's not, let me paint the picture here. It's not like, oh, he's got a Ferrari or a Lamborghini or anything. You have what looks like stuff you got at an auction house. Something that says US Navy on the side, and it looks like it used to have a machine gun on the back, but doesn't have the machine gun anymore. You get these things. >> I get them, Jordan. >> Is that a little, yeah, is that an obsessive compulsive thing? >> Yes, I think it is part, yes. >> It gives you a lot of joy. I don't begrudge you that, and it's cool. It's very cool stuff, but whenever you get in it, you show me these things, you're like, man, you got to get one. I get really excited. I have a little bit of that thing when I'm with someone, and someone I like, and I do like Joel a lot, I get excited about the thing they're excited about. >> And then I'll be saying, yeah, yeah, and then while getting the car with lies on the way home when we're at your house, and I'll be like, yeah, I don't know. I'm going to see if there are any naval trucks around that have a rig in the back for a weapon. She's like, you're not doing any of that. >> And I go, I know. >> And I wake up in the morning, I'm like, I don't even want to do that. >> So Sarah puts up with that. >> She's very patient, and she, like, okay, this, for example, I do have a truck from the Air Force that is parked outside my home, because I want people to think that I'm slightly crazy. >> But also, it might be a crime deterrent, because if I was going to case a joint, and I saw there was a giant, I mean, huge, huge machine out front bits like Matt Gray, and it says US Navy on the side, and it looks like it has the apparatus to have a machine gun. I don't think I'd go inside that house. I'd go into the other house, and I'd be surprised by a gentleman with a simple walking stick. >> Oh, hello. >> I'm going to throw a threat to you. >> Yeah, I would say anybody who's listening to this, if you look at that truck and think, oh, he's just doing it as a deterrent, and you can just walk right in, I dare you. I fucking dare you. >> I got some theater games waiting for you. >> I will. >> I will start slowly. >> Go off track. >> Someone's armed pits, and pretend to swing at you. Yeah, so I know a guy, his name is Brian, and I'll be like, oh, that was really cool truck, and then he will send me five links going, hey, I found that truck, you just happened to mention it. >> That happens to me sometimes with guitars. I'll say, oh, and I'm just, you know, gretch roundup, that's a really great guitar. Man, I love those guitar, and then I have people in my life that are enablers. >> Yes. >> Drug dealers that say, hey, I just found this link, that guitar could be yours for $700 million. >> Okay. No, I say no. You've said yes before. >> I have a couple of times, but not many. >> How many guitars do you have? >> We don't want to talk about it. >> Okay, so here's what you have started in my life are these classes. Jacques Marielin. >> Yes, now I just buy these. >> Yeah, and it's cheap. >> You know what, therefore they're for people with big heads and faces. >> Yeah. >> And you know, who turned me under them? A man named Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum, I was doing some project with him, somewhere on the line, and we were in a voiceover booth together, and I looked at his glasses. Jeff Goldblum is the coolest guy, and he always wears the coolest stuff, and we're similar build. >> I looked at his glasses and I said, those glasses are miserable. He's like, oh, oh, oh, my boy, oh, my boy, oh, Jacques Marielin. >> And then he took them off and he was touching my face, and then he was touching my chest. There was a long embrace on the hotel room, and then he was right, and he told me where to go and how they, and they're fantastic. >> Yeah, and I, Sarah's, and I have bags of them now, and Sarah's like, what, you have a backpack full of these? What are you doing? And I'm like, I just, my youth, it's, it avoids, it helps you to avoid buying something along. >> I would think the internet would destroy you because it's too easy to buy things. >> Yeah. >> Someone like you who sees things, and oh, really cool, a grenade. I can have a live grenade from the Korean War, and you would click on it. >> I have one of those. >> Do you have a grenade? >> I have a grenade. >> Do you seriously have a grenade? >> I have a grenade that doesn't have, obviously, the charge in it. >> I don't trust you, not to have a live grenade in your home. I don't think you really checked. >> When I pull the pin, I do feel excitement, because then you can put it back in. But I've got a bunch of bullwips. I was trying to get you a bullwip for today. >> I prefer this. A bullwip, you actually have to be able to move your arm a little bit. >> I saw you playing cricket in that thing. You move fast. >> I do move fast. >> It's much, it's, it's a cat-like. It scares me. >> A stealth athlete. >> It's like watching a stork run away from like a wildebeest or something. >> I'm sorry. I had to turn it back on my, I had to turn it into insults. I'm sorry. >> You did. >> That's okay. You learned that in your, in the fish market. >> Well, that's how they got us off stage. >> They just huck a salmon at us. You know? >> Joe, what's your name? >> I've said this to you before. You're the only show I've ever written a letter to. >> When? >> In '96 or '5. I was living in my parents home. Oh, so it was '93. >> It was. >> And I knew time during college. >> Yeah. >> After 10 years afterwards. >> I've never written a letter. >> And you wrote a letter? >> I think of it. But when I was before the devil and the, the angel and the bear sketch. >> Oh, yeah. >> That would be on either side of your shirt. >> We did a repeating sketch where I was in a moral quandary. And I'd wonder what to do. And the old thing where an angel would appear on one shoulder and go, return the wallet. Conan, that's the right thing to do. And God will bless you. And I'd go, "Hum, but I wonder if there's another perspective." And then you'd think a devil would show up on the other shoulder, but it was a bear. And the bear didn't know anything. >> Well, the bear would always go, "Oh, don't always mall with your front paws." >> Yeah. It would give you advice to just specific things. >> Kind of. >> Oh, I love going past the old stuff and thinking about it. But it was, those were good times. >> You wrote me a letter. >> I wrote you a letter. >> A fan letter. >> A fan letter. >> Yeah. >> That's so nice. >> Yeah. >> You were the, like, when you came on, people are age. Like, 30 years younger than you. We were, yeah, when you came on. >> You joke, but it is true. Anyone my age or older thought, this is a disaster. What is this man doing? And then it was young people that were like, "Oh, this is cool." >> He's doing it all. >> He's doing all the stuff we want to do. >> Yeah. >> That's nice. >> Yeah, that was, yeah. And I remember just thinking, man, I can just be in entertain, if I can somehow entertain you. >> You will get there. >> Then I was like, then- >> It's going to happen for you. You just need a few more trucks and nine more glasses of liquid. >> I have to ask because everyone wants to know- >> No, one wants to know. >> One of my favorite shows of all time when we talk about the salon and my family as well, my kids. >> The great indoors on CBS. >> Your favorite. >> Animal control. >> Animal control. >> Animal control. >> That's a very good show, but the show that they've built religions around community. There's always talk of a movie. I ask you every time you say possibly, maybe it could, is that happening or not happening? >> Possibly, maybe. >> It could. >> Got it. >> We have the money. It's getting the schedules together, and I know it's been going on for years now. I ruined it one time, because I think I recorded a commercial for a gambling app. but I fucked up the schedule. - You fucked up the gambling. And you fucked up the community reunion because-- - Yeah, I was like a morning. - You were shooting a commercial. - Yeah. - No, it was for another schedule thing that I couldn't move, but then I was, yeah. So it will happen. We have the money. I swear. - Stop saying we have the money. We sound like you're even have a script. You just have the money. - There is a script. - We have the money. Dan, Dan Harmon, if you're listening, please, let's do it. - I've never heard a guy just keep saying, we've got the money. - Well, he's got the money. - It's like you're a kidnap victim. - We got the money together. Just give us a half an LMR. - Well, you don't even want the money. - But that's one of the hardest things to get, right? It's like the funding. - Okay, yeah. You don't believe me? - I don't know. I don't know much about movies. But I loved you in, clearly. (laughing) Joel, I'm going to let you go. - No, I'm going to tell you something. - I thought we were going to talk to somebody. - No, we don't talk to people. - There's someone phones in from. - No, no, you're thinking of a different show. - Oh, we don't solve crimes here. - Okay. - We clearly create crimes. You've got a weapon. - Animal control. Season five of Animal Control. - Yeah, the 27th. - Premier Sunday, September 27th on Fox, and it's available next day on Hulu. - Yeah. - And now it's on that place. - Do you enjoy the making of the show? - It seems like you guys really have a good time. - It's great. The cast is great. - Everyone's cool. - And I like having the animals is a strangely delightful. - Isn't it fun to be around animals? - Whenever we had animal segments on my show, I was just deliriously happy that critters were roaming around the halls. - It was, we just had a bunch of baby goats and they were so cute. And I was like, okay, just take one of these home and they were like, it'll be 240 pounds in about six months. And I was like, wow. It's just like a lot of my relatives. - You're going to eat it before then. - Yeah, I would eat it. - But it's been, yeah, we just finished. And it was so, yeah, thank you. I can't believe it, season five. - Well, I want to thank you for this incredible, I mean, if you see me strolling around with a cane, don't screw with me because this walking stick is fantastic. - I think it's me really happy. If I ever come back, I'm going to bring a bunch of knives and then we can, you know, have. - No, not only one of us is allowed to leave the room. - Oh yeah. - Great. - Yeah. - Something tells me, I think you're the one that would live because I think you have a darenger, a women's, like 19th century darenger, a very small one on your ankle. - Oh, it's on my garter. Thank you very much. (all laughing) Respect me, please. - Come on. Joel, you're a good friend. - You're a good friend. I always like seeing you. I love hanging out with you. We always have a good time. - Let's eat. - That would be nice. - Oysters. - Boo. Meet. - You love a stick. - I do really appreciate that. - I'm an Irish potato. - How's your cholesterol? - We don't talk about it. - All right. - But it is so high that if I was, if I was strapped into my car and I stopped short, a cholesterol me would come crashing after my chest. (all laughing) - Oh, you could paint it. - You could just paint it and put it right in, might 'em two soads. (all laughing) - What is it local? I mean, it's just, - It's me. - It's me, it's me. It's, yeah. It's not, let's not push that image too hard 'cause it won't go. - Who do you have coming up next on the show? We have some really good people. They show up on time. (all laughing) They're, she it. Everything they say follows a continuous narrative and links together. There's no hemming in hind. There's no slurping of drinks. But if they don't have a sword cane, I don't wanna talk to them. God bless you, Joel McCale. - Thank you. - And watch, watch, you know, animal control. - Animal control. - Animal percent club. - Yeah. - And crime scene kitchen. - Yeah. - And house of villains. - Yeah. - And your commercials. - And my commercial jackpot party. - Yeah. - Where you're encouraging people to gamble. - Yeah. - Gambling irresponsibly. - Very good. - That's, that is. - That is the company's motto. - Cash or pay checks. (all laughing) - You can only live at home. - For kids who don't have to live in cool. It's cool. Bring your kids. - Thank you for having me, guys. - Thank you for being here. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - How about we do a review, the reviewers. - Okay. - I love it. Just to remind people, this is where I go to Apple Podcasts. I look at a review for the podcast, and we read it, comment, and review on the review. - Very nice. - It's our take on their take. - This is titled Conan Movie Roll. It's five stars out of 16. (all laughing) - Out of five. - Out of five. - It's a new scale, yeah. - Hi all. I love the podcast and listen regularly. I should mention this is from someone called DeVanx. - Okay. - I love the podcast and I listen regularly. I just wanted to share my response to Blaze question one of the recent episodes about who you could play in a movie, I believe. I think Conan could play James Garfield in his biopic, but we could change the ending so he doesn't get shot. - Wow. - Do you think you could play James Garfield? - Oh, well, first of all, this was just done. There was just a brilliant, I thought, a limited series about the assassination of Garfield that I loved called Death By Lightning. Yeah, Michael Shannon played Garfield. He was amazing and Matthew McFadden played Charles Gateau, the cook who shoots Garfield. - What was still he was shot in a train station or something like that? - Yeah, yeah. Garfield was, hadn't been president long and was doing a really good job. And this is a different time, but he was gonna go get on a train. It was, I think the summer and he was gonna go join his wife, family, at a beach house. And so he was walking to the train station. - Geez. - And he walked into a train station. - And just kill a president. - Yeah, this guy, Charles Gateau, just shot him. - He's just going to the president. It used to be so easy. - Yes. - It's good that it's not. - Okay. - I was wondering if you wanted to add that on. - Here's the thing. - We'll take that out. - I don't know anything about James Garfield. You can play him any way. And I'll be like, oh, he's a James Garfield. - Right, yeah, yeah, you know what? You, your gift is that you know nothing about American history. So, no, no, that's not even that. - No, it's a gift. - He's like one of the presidents that all I know is that he was assassinated. - That's a shame. - But I don't know where he's from. You could have a Southern Twang. I have no idea. You could be. - Ohio, I might think he's from Ohio. - Why did Gateau shoot him? Was there a reason? - Charles Gateau was a disappointed office seeker. He had given a speech or two, no one asked him to. He would just get up on a street corner and give a speech. And he felt that he had helped Garfield get elected. And then he was a cook. So he would, this is back when if you wanted a job in government, when a new president was elected, you got to go hang out in the White House and wait to try and get an audience with him. So there are hundreds of people standing around waiting to talk to the president. And he just left a note that said, I would like to be the ambassador to, I think he said I would like to be the, very much like to be the ambassador to Paris or something. And he had no experience. There was no reason. He was a weirdo. He had gone to a free love camp. Might have been Onida. It's like upstate New York. He went to a free love camp and none of the women, you know, it was everyone in open relationships having sex with each other, but no one would sleep with Charles Gateau. And one of them went. - He's an insult. - He was the first America's first insult. - America's first insult. And one of the women's at the camp started calling him, their nickname for him. His name's Charles Gateau was Charles Get Out. 'Cause they're always telling him to get out of our room. - I was like, God. - He was very bitter about that. And he finally decides that he's been screwed over and that if he shoots, if he kills Garfield, Chester Arthur will become president. And then Chester Arthur will give him a job. So we're not good reasoning. - Do you think that this is accurate or do you think there's a president that you're more suited to play? If you had to play any president. - I think I mean, I think I'm very Lincolnian. I really do. I'm the exact same height as Abe Lincoln. - Okay. - And I'm, you know, I've got that dark complexion. - Okay. Let's just watch it. - Very dark hair. Yeah. - Okay, no, no, no. I'm just saying same height, prominent cheekbones. I'm a depressive. I use humor to see my way through just the terrible tragedy that is the civil war. - Yeah. - So yeah, I think I'm Lincoln. - Yeah, I mean, if Daniel Day Lewis could do it, you could do it. (laughing) - I've noticed all the presidents you're associated with the ones that are getting assassinated. (laughing) Or I could be Gerald Ford. - Yeah, there we go. - 'Cause I can fall down pretty easily. - Oh, okay. - I know how to do that. - Was Gerald Ford the one who was like kind of jockey? - He was a jockey. He was really good looking too, was a young man. - Yeah, okay. - Was Gerald Ford was jockey? Oh, yeah, he was a football player. - Yeah, even I knew that. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, I mean, not that I don't know about history. I know about some stuff. I just, I knew Gerald Ford was a jockey. You could do, you could be a jockey. - No, I don't think I could be Gerald Ford. - You could be like a guy who used to play sports who doesn't anymore. - No, I mean, I, I don't know who I would be. I mean, you kind of look like, what's his name? Tyler? What? Tell me you. It's how the creator. - Yeah. - I get that all the time. Maybe that's not how I'm thinking. - That's not how I'm thinking. - Probably a James or a John. - Yeah. - That's good. - There's a good case to be made that Gato didn't really assassinate him because Charles Gato shot him, hit him in the low back, and then all these doctors without cleaning their hands. And one in particular just kept jamming their hands in there to try and find the bullet. And he got sicker and sicker and sicker. over months and months and months, and they just, finally he died, and they realized the bullet, when they did the autopsy, had a cyst formed around it. He, if they had just left him alone, he'd ever covered fully, but his body was riddled with infection. - He wasn't the one that his wife basically took over and ran the presidency while he was sick. Was that McKinley? - No. - That would be Wilson. Wilson had a massive stroke, and when he was outpushing his plan to end wars, and he was trying to sell it to Congress, and he was working really hard and he had a massive stroke. And then his wife would go into the room and confer with the president and come out and say, you know, all food is half off today for women. - Oh, nice. - Stuff that was not kidding. - Was she good? - What's that? - Was she good at running the country? - I don't know enough about this. - Yes, you do. - Yeah, I was just gonna say, I think you, all of us in this room, you can't hear you, can you just be louder? - I'm trying, all of us in this room, you could say anything about any president and we would believe you. - Yeah. - And I do remember one time, I don't remember where we were, but you had said that we were talking about Lincoln, and you said that you went to go to the Lincoln Museum and his coat was there that he had been shot in. And I was, oh my God, that's so cool. And you're like, oh, and you talked a little bit about how you got shot. And then you're like, and because I'm famous, they took it out, and they showed it to me. I was like, oh my God, that's amazing. And then you said, and then you asked to try it on, and they let you try it on. - Yeah. - And I was like, whoa, oh my God, they let you try, you're like, yeah, fit me perfectly, and I was like, and then you said, and then I did a little dance, and I still believed you. And then you said, and then I ran out of the room. - Yeah. - And they changed. And I was like, you did, and you were like, dude, at what point are you gonna say that this is fake? And if you start, I just started believing you. If you start a story, and it's, always start with the plausible. And you always keep it plausible. Like, oh, I went, and then give real details, and then you're like, and then you start to just push it a little bit, and at a certain point, people are followed you so far down into the whole mind. And that's one of my favorite things to do, is wait and see when someone goes, wait, what? - Yeah. - That you put it on? - Yeah, I put it on. And then I started doing the Charleston. - If they're in that deep, they have to admit to themselves. - They have to admit that they have A, that their lives have been wasted for the last 20 minutes. And that they've been talking to a sociopath. And then they have to admit that they believed everything. Up until, okay, I believed that Conan got to put it on, because he lives in a bubble, and people treat him really nicely. And then when he said he started doing kind of a little bit of a robot dance, they're like, okay, well, Conan sometimes, I could see him maybe trying to get a little bit of laugh, but once I'm running out of the building, and running through the streets of Washington going, woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo. - Yeah. I just love, they took it out 'cause you're famous. - Yeah. - Like you're just 'cause you're a famous guy, they took a, - Well, that's right. - Well, actually, that's what, that is a plausible part of the story. It is. I mean, I'm not just saying because me, I'm just saying that people sometimes bend the rules a little bit and say, you know, yeah, no one has laid on this bed since Jefferson died here in Monticello, you know, in '18, whatever '07. Oh, that's fascinating. - You know, Conan, I really love the podcast. - Yeah, my, man, my dogs are tired. My feet are on fire. I want you to stretch out. - Oh, this is great. - Oh, no, I wet the bed. - Why don't you wet the bed? I don't know, I got really relaxed. I had so much lemonade outside. (upbeat music) - Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonum of Cessian, and Mack Gourley. Produced by me, Mack Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend, wherever fine podcasts are done.