Joe List, Kim Congdon, & Mike Finoia - Kurt's Law - Episode 953

Fill her up! You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Banes, natural-born killers, legion of skanks. Welcome to the Rant! Cerebral Paul lives! Oh, yeah, baby. Fuck yeah. Welcome to your favorite podcast, everybody. To my right is always the great Rant-a-Steve, Rant-a-Zeezy. Hey, what's up? Rant-a-Stevie? I was just gonna call him Rant-a-Stevie. Yeah, Rant-a-Stevie. Rant-a-Stevie. Rant-a-Sleezy. To my left, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. Wait, I don't know this. Wrong show. Wrong show. Double points. Wow, they booted. Fuck Story Wars, those fags. Dude, like, Legion of Skanks, Big Jay and Louis will fuck up Story Wars, Big Jay and Louis. Those guys are soft. They would never say the crazy things we say. By the way, I am Big Jay Oakerson. This is The Legendary. Legion of Skanks. Thank you guys so much for joining us. You guys came on a very fun night. We got three guests. It's always a fun show and we have a bunch of guests. We have a bunch of fun things to get to. So why don't we get our guests out of here. What do you say? Our first guest. You know her from her special Childless MILF available on YouTube and the comedy dating show where she is the host. Make some noise for our family. The lovely, the hilarious, Kimberly Congdon. Kimmy looking thick in all the right places. Did you get fake tits, Kim? What's going on with your giant tits? You've never had giant tits. That's what a little Les Lewis in your life will do you. You used to have a giant boob you dated, but not giant tits. I think this needs to go up a little. Maybe. Our second guest. You know him from the Grateful Dead channel show, Saturday Night Shakedown, where he is the weekly host. He has a special Don't Let Me Down available on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Mike Fanoia. Mike Fanoia. It's friends and family. What's up, Mikey? What up? What up? How you doing? Good to have you here, my man. Finally, last but not least. Our final guest. You know him from the regs. You know him from his special small ball on YouTube. He also made a Neff's Cake Fest documentary. It's coming out very soon. You probably know him from Tuesdays with Stories. How about it for the great Joe List. Thank you. What's up, Joseph? Hi, buddy. What's up, pal? You brought us cigars? I brought you cigars. I brought you a cigar. That's what a man does. I brought two cigars for me. Steve took one. I stole one. It's okay. And then Steve tried to pull quite a move. He was like, Lewis, do you want to just take this one? And his is a third of the size of yours. Yeah. And you were like, oh, no, I'm not doing that. No, that's crazy. I don't want the smaller one. No, Steve's confident in his big, fat cock, so he'll smoke that. You need to do this so people think. I have to compensate for that, yeah. By the way, when I'm not attracted to a girl, that's exactly how big my dick gets. Like, oh, fucker. But it grows to that size. Do you want it back, Joe? It's that thin? Yeah. It's this tiny? That's tiny, yeah. Kim? Yep. What? Wait, no, I checked out completely. Is this Lewis's dick, like, fully when he's. No, when I'm semi-erect. Oh, when he's like, ugh, I don't know. He's not totally feeling it. That's really thin. Dude, this is. Do you want to feel it? It's a little thicker. I think I blocked it out, honestly. Oh, okay. I really am trying to remember. It's tiny, Lewis. I would. Yeah, I don't think that's true. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nuts, dude. You know what's even crazier than that? Look, you can, like, put it in my mouth and I wouldn't even really be gay. Look. Yeah. It doesn't touch anything. It's an open space, yeah. Yeah, your dick's just occupying space inside my mouth, but my mouth isn't touching it. Yeah. It's free air. That is. That should be one of the punishments of Skankfest this year. The winner gets to put their dick in the open air mouth of the loser. How about the loser has to smoke a cigar that everyone that's put their mouth on it at the day is table? Dude, that's not going to get a dick in Lewis's mouth. Come on. That would be the operation of blowjobs. Like, it'll buzz you. But here's the thing. If I won, I will tell you right now, I'm definitely going to pump forward and make you suck my dick. I will have my ball back spread out across your chin. I will fuck your face so hard. If you put it right there, I promise you I'd grab the back of your head and shove it in. I don't want anybody to see my dick, so I'm going to fuck your face so deep and hard to make sure no one sees it. Hell yeah. Anyway, it's a bet. It's a bet. We don't know what the bet is yet, but the loser is going to face fuck the other one. On paper, it's going to say occupy the space in the mouth, but we both now know. Jay, Mike Cannon had an idea for Skankfest this year, which is a pretty great idea. We want to get a seven foot hoop and have a slam dunk competition. That's kind of funny. Oh, yeah. That's great. I'm already thinking. Of your dunks? Yeah, like I'm going back to Vince Carter. Was that 2000? 98 or whatever? Yeah. Yes, the one behind his back when he went this way, Joe? I'd go blackface just to get the extra inches. I say you go trampoline eight foot. Dude, how many ruptured Achilles on the flight home? Four. Yeah. For a bunch of fucking pussies. And forehead injuries. There'd be a lot of problems. The first Skankfest, I tore my calf muscle. Remember we played three on three basketball? Yeah. It was you guys versus me, Ari, and Sam Tripoli, and I literally blew my calf muscle out. Listen, dude. That's not true. I literally blew Bobby Kelly. Dude. Oh, God. Steve. Yeah. Don't blame yourself for my killer crossover, dude. It was bound to happen. It was. I'd blow Achilles. I'd go, is that white Allen Iverson that just went past me? We're definitely allowed to smoke cigars in here? Yep. Buddy, yes. Legally, yes. That's literally why my wife sits upstairs and doesn't come down here to watch. Buddy, we could cook a baby down here. Yeah. It's fucking lawless, man. There's martial law down here. We control it on Mondays. Here, let me get that. And then upstairs is frantic, where you can't do that. And tell our audience, too. Bring a baby. We'll cook it, guys. Yeah. No big deal. We'll smoke it. Smoke a baby. Let's go. Kim, who are you texting? What's going on over there? Already. I'm just taking care of something. Shit. Why don't you do your fucking show? She's setting up an abortion. That reminds me. Kim hates us. I can feel it. What? Why? Why do you think I hate you? Not me. Us. Obviously not. Like, as a group? All of you? Yeah. Me, the fifth most. She has a long history of hating Lewis, and then the rest, she just feels intimidated by a bunch of average white dudes. You know what I mean? All right, Kim. Kim, fuck, fuck, marry, marry, kill. No, don't. Because I lose every time. There's too many people. Come on, Kim. I need this. No. I have so little. Yeah. Two fucks, two marries. And one kill. You're a slut. A bigamist. I have to kill someone? You have to kill one person. Well, there's five of us. Oh, that's so mean. You have to kill one. The best part is, whoever gets killed is going to really hurt. No, it's going to ruin a friendship forever if I kill someone. No, I'll be totally fine. No, I'll be fine with it, even though this is the third. This is the third time we've played the game since I've been doing the show, and I've lost every single time. They've killed you. That's not bad. Three times in 16 years? One time, it was a man. Jason Ellis told me I would be the last person in the room he'd fuck. I forgot how much that one hurt extra. That hurt so bad. I go, dude, you didn't have to include the whole room. If it was these, if it was you three, I would marry you. Easy. Thank you. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too. He's definitely going to marry you. He's a notorious liar. You would marry him? That's crazy. I'm already married to Norman. Hey, I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to marry him. Joe. Joe, you're sorry. Did anyone see how Joe? Oh, yeah. Jesus. Cerebral Paul, you do show up like the Crypt Keeper. Yeah, dude. Snuck right up. It's a hard entrance, Joe. Hello, skankies. Hello, kitties. Who was that guy? Hello, blails and ghouls. I'm Cerebral Paul. I'm a fucking freak. You see five movements before you actually see the head. No, Steve's got a beautiful house. Yeah. Loves baseball. He's a father. Has a friend with a boat. Yep. Friend with a boat. Yep. A nice one. I don't mind being lied to. It's so sad that the only guy to marry just has a friend with a boat. Yeah, that's it. Well, that's the level we're at. No one has a boat here. That's true. The same fucking Boston. I do want a boat, but I can't justify a vacation home. It's like I can just rent a boat for three times a year. I want a boat. I'm not buying a boat. That seems crazy. Who wants a boat only three times a year? Who wants a boat? I've been boating all the time. Everybody focus. Kim, fuck, fuck, marry me. Oh, yeah, you do. Sorry, sorry. Kim, we're on a boat. You've got to marry two of us, fuck two of us, and throw one of us into the water. We're restarting society. But someone must go. And really just tell the truth. Don't do it. I mean, in this game, Kim is getting a lot of dick. I've got to be honest with you. I know, because you have to fuck the person you're married to. Yeah, of course. You're fucking four of us. Four of us. And only one doesn't get fucked. Oh, wait. We're all going to stay together on the boat the whole time? It's a big boat. It's a real big boat. Remember, the two people you pick to be married have to be sort of okay with being cuckold. You know what I'm saying? Because they're getting fucked. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. so you're gonna have to you know take that into consideration alright I got it alright this is a big moment I feel like OJ I am gonna jerk off tonight hit me with it fuck fuck marry marry kill okay fuck alright fuck marry marry kill yes you got the game that's right I'm gonna go oh man this is really hard you guys no offense I'm gonna go come on Joe stop I make a lot of money I'm very loyal I'm gonna go as you can see I'm very loyal to my wife Joe is openly has herpes yeah yeah but I take valtrex yup we'll be married he'll wear a condom he'll wear a condom right that means we all have herpes that was a make oh yeah right that's true everyone's getting herpes in this situation except Joe except whoever you kill whoever you kill is the only one that doesn't get herpes unless you kill unless you kill Joe that is the biggest cock block I've ever seen in the history of fuck fuck marry marry kill actually you know what that yeah that actually finalized my decision the herpes thing no no no I'm going to marry Joe thank you just pay attention for outbreaks yes I'm gonna pay attention for outbreaks marry fuck fuck kill Lewis wait what I missed it what'd she say you got married you're married marry marry fuck fuck kill just cause you right are you married and you are welcome to fuck fuck kill Lewis you can fuck him in front of me yeah yeah yeah you can fuck him in front of me too that's totally cool I thought you were a single guy so it just seemed like marry marry these two are like who knows if they're married you know and then I've been there done that right right yeah you're certainly not gonna marry this guy who Lewis yeah you can't just fuck him and you're not gonna marry him no I'd kill him yeah yeah you'd kill him really she'd kill me with kindness after she fucks me damn Lewis is hurt funny but Lewis just thought it was gonna hit so hard that's what that's what bummed me out I'm not here's the thing I'm not hurt because that's literally just a lie yeah Kim's just being nice right now that's what I would say no that was really who's she being nice to I actually have to kill them she'd kill Fanoia no offense Fanoia she'd kill me she knows you the least out of everybody here it's not even a debate how do you know that I know for a fact get the lie detector you know what lie detector right now you can't hook it up right now Lewis is not like being killed wow Lewis no no here's the thing I don't care about being killed I hope she's telling the truth is it a real lie detector yes I want to hook Kim up to the lie detector and I will bet anyone $1,000 that this is a lie okay you ready for it no no you said I'll bet anyone I just agreed to the idea you're the only one that I owe $1,000 to this fucking guy's got $1,000 bucks on him for sure this guy does not have $1,000 on him dude no not for this dude pull it off that guy's got a stack of cash he's bringing to the cartel later you don't think I'd kill you he's meeting some guys at the titty twister on the border later on Lewis can I who do you do you think it's the real you thought it was Fanoia and it's not not Fanoia I think she knows Fanoia the least out of everybody here I get that as being the possible answer but I believe she wants you dead Kim Kim we don't need a lie detector test here we don't need a polygraph I just need the truth good hit your fucking garage door opener Kim tell him the truth Kim would you really kill me over Lewis who deserves to die Kim you know you know baby James you know what this reminds me of like spin the bottle and you're like she's not going to want to kill me who deserves to die yeah I know okay the truth is I would have killed Fanoia of course of course can I kill myself it's because I do know him the least out of the three guys I've known these three guys for a really long time me and Fanoia are friends but we haven't known each other or hung up as much and so are are Joe and I still the married guys though I mean yeah then why don't I think she married Jay I gotta be honest with you I kind of want to marry all of you guys everyone at the table you too no you too she's going to marry your corpse I'm going to kill you and then we're going to go to the strip club all right I'll fuck Fanoia oh yeah if you're going to talk like that daddy if you're going to talk like that daddy Steve can you tell us please you all make husband material you guys all would make the perfect husband just little parts of you all in one yes we would have to Voltron together to make the best fucking version oh this actually and that even might not be enough all right Kim if you had to make the perfect male out of the five body parts and brains that you see here oh that's great like the best you can make perfect I don't know no the best you can make out of the body parts the parts that are available it's like an old fucking like a junkyard okay I actually got this okay go ahead I would make it out of my jawline your herpes my jawline my herpes Joe Liss' humor thank you that's a dunk Joe Liss' humor slam dunk thank you sucks for the rest of us the way that Mike Fanoia looks longingly deepingly in your eyes oh wow dude well you could have had that but you fucking killed me very kind eyes you walked away from the best thing in your life baby that's it you're gonna watch these beautiful eyes roll back Kim yeah no I know I'm going I think I'm going face for you face oh I was just gonna say hair head top area Jesus well I have rosacea everyone's got a good face part here though you gotta stop with this rosacea you're gonna tell people I'm so scared dude well I'm definitely not gonna take your confidence not the confidence they do laser for this stuff now well we're gonna have to do it at skank fest I'm gonna get lasered we're gonna get Steve's liver yeah yeah yeah so my face nice holy shit what a win my big fat huge cock oh wait I think Raina Zizi has a bigger cock than you you can choose it you're gonna need hold on you're gonna need a couple body parts you can choose Steve's face and cock I'll use Steve's face and cock the only parts we all want to be chosen on this oh my god are you gonna pick me or Louis's stomach my fingers our fucking dead asses Jay's dainty painted fingernails I'm going Steve's cock I'm so sorry here wife with all due respect wait Kim look at this Kim she'd rather you have it it's taco Tuesday you guys both have pretty good face cards yeah I'll go Jay's face Louis's lips Louis's arms oh nice what about just my lips yeah those lips are no no those lips suck Bobby's dick come on dude it's a dildo yeah that would do pretty well for me fuck yeah I would like that let me see your arms I might have to trade those I'm going for Noya's arms Louis hold on what else you got nothing I got arms I got arms and lips I guess I'll take Louis's book it's my book you don't mean his calendar you mean like the book he wrote yeah okay take my bookings you lose work knives and spoons now available at Borders Books Borders Books and Music does that still exist Borders Borders no no no Biden fucking erased it what oh he's getting political Trump Trump Mexican border got it got it that's the best joke I've ever made I got nothing too smart we don't talk politics on the show I was giving the room time we actually have we literally have these puppets if we ever start talking politics we have to only talk politics with the puppets we've made the decision and like three months ago we still haven't talked politics why you guys got a question about politics yeah I do dude it's the most horrifying thing I don't even know what it looks like I haven't seen it yet what is it it's a cracker it's a cracker baby oh my god it looks like me oh hey what's up old black guy hey hey what's going on with the straight a whore moves what as long as it's straight I fucks with it you see I don't get none of them light loafers motherfuckers now come on cracker baby where's my father hold my hand how funny if this black guy took care of a white baby instead yeah hey baby you got a lot of cracker on your face is that a cracker let me tell you first thing we're gonna clean that face of cracker off this guy said it was black cum this is how boys play Barbie yeah it is I'm your daddy now let's go get you a beeper actually the straight a whore moves is a complicated issue it involves a lot of entities preach baby Steve you have to tell us a story oh yeah about your water going out in your house for your cleaning lady oh dude this is so funny the funniest text I've received all year I'm taking this to people's court here we go okay so I moved into my house in 2021 so it's been five years and when we moved in the owners gave us a list of the people that they used to do whatever the lawn the pool the this the that this is the cleaning lady so we were like great so we've had her thank you for hiring me Steve I can clean whatever you need let me know papi we used to call her El Guapo does that mean big in Spanish that means handsome that's the handsome one oh shit that's the okay Rich Carson Grande El Grande she's very big but then she got La Gordita La Gordita that was in the owner's thing yeah El Grande holy shit they were like she's a big lady but then she took Ozempic and now she looks like Kim but that's not the point okay slightly less big you got to watch the transformation although I bet if she reaches for the stars the fucking underarms do a weird thing she jiggles a lot dude it's a lot of moving parts oh my god just mop and get out but also now she also she also like will give us to like other people like they'll have other people like every other week to come in and clean our house so we've had different people not just her well they're casing the place Two weeks ago, we've not been happy with the work for quite some time. That was good. Quite some time. Never really verbally communicated to her, but we've been thinking about getting. Can I ask you as a new homeowner? Yeah, yeah, sure. What's your problem with it? What are they not doing? You get a lot of. I turn the corner, I'm home, and you see ear pods in and a lot of just light dusting or not like any. There's no heft. No deep cleaning? Elbow grease. Yes. California, they were fearing their lives, so they would clean like their lives depended on it. It was truth, and that was. Do you think there's no dust on top of the fridge, you Mexican midget cunt? Yeah. I write that, but I don't know how to say it in Spanish. I just put an O on the end of every word. Exactly. You just got to say it into the app. And then the phone says it. Cunto, dusto, topo, frijo. Isn't punto, punta? Isn't that something? Punta? Punta means pussy, right? Punta. Punt? Who? Whore? Yeah, right? Say it again, Gordo. See what happens. Thank you. Thank you, Rosetta Stone. Let me ask you. Does anyone else have a cleaning service people that come to their house? Yes, I do, yes. Okay, I do, too. Do they do it, like, are you happy with what they're doing? I've never been happy once. She's the best. My girl's the best. I agree. Great. Shout out to Katty. Katty rules. She's Colombian. Great. She shows up. Dude, here's the thing. You have low standards. I didn't have laundry. That's not true. I have a really clean house. My laundry, I didn't have enough laundry for her to do one week. I just happened to do laundry, and she was like, oh, I feel bad. She was like, I'm going to organize all of your drawers because I feel like I don't have enough work to do today. Can I tell you, I know exactly why Louis has the best cleaning lady. Why? We stayed at Louis' house recently. Mike and Alex stayed there while you were gone, right? And I stayed with them. This motherfucker watches his ring bells like he's, like, the new flock camera. He's got cameras everywhere. No, no. There was not a moment of rest for anyone. Sometimes he would pretend he was not watching. We'd be smoking. You can hear him breathing. Wow. Dude, I'm very guilty of that, too. I'm not kidding. No, the whole, no, I mean, one or two times is okay. Can I tell you why? I have the notification on my phone, so when there's movement, and then I just touch the button. And then you see them, and then you just go, just hit the microphone, but then you leave your shit off. But his is broken. It doesn't turn his mic off, so all you hear is like. Oh, wow. And we'd be like, are you? Are you watching? And then he'd go like. We've talked about this on the show before. Lewis, we debate whether putting, I think cameras in the house are fucking weird. That's what I say. Yeah, I got it, man. Where do you have them in the house? Just the bathrooms. I know you have them in the house. By the way, I have one that I never set up in the house, because you almost convinced me not to. It's oddly invasive, man. It's my kitchen. What's invasive about my own kitchen? Anybody who comes over is like, what are you doing in my kitchen, you fucking psychos? I'll be honest with you, it's not. It's you go to the bathroom, and they. They fucking pick their nose. They fuck whatever the thing. Oh, you pick your ass before you open the refrigerator and grab a grape. If somebody's picking their ass and touching my fridge. You want to know. I need to know. I'll be honest. Imagine you pick your ass, and then you hear them breathe in the camera. You're like, oh, fuck. Wash your hands. They do a dance move. They do the Michael Jackson knee tap thing, and it would transition. You guys, he was watching every moment. When we were leaving, Dulce looked in the reflection of his car to just check her bangs, and then the ring light turned on. And she was like, I didn't touch it. I didn't touch it. He was watching it every second. That's not a mirror for that. That little red light narc. Well, then I saw Harrington open his car door and hit the Audi. I watched it on camera. Yeah. I watched him literally, and then I had a call. I'm like, dude, did you just fucking hit? And I sent him a screenshot of the door touching my door. And I got to tell you, at that point, we were all fed up with Lewis. So I was like, fuck his car. Let's go. Let's smash his fucking car, and let's leave. Dude, my wife hit my car in my driveway once, and I caught her pulling away because of the ring camera. Did you hit her when she came home? I go, stop. I go, you just hit the car. She goes, I don't think I did. I go, I got it right here. Are you nuts? She hit and run. She goes, well, why'd you park over there? I go, oh, in a different spot in the driveway than I normally park? I'm sorry. Give me a fucking break. You know what? I think she had a point. Listen, she told me, if you ever put a camera inside of this house, like pointing in the house, I will fuck the first person that walks through the front door. I agree. She should. She fucks up Guapo. It doesn't matter, dude. She's eating up a Mexican lady. Yeah, but I agree. I agree with that. She's like, I've never thought about that, but that's the only thing I'm going to do if you put a camera facing the house. I understand what you're saying. I didn't put it in the house, but I do have the camera. And here's the thing. It's not just in the kitchen. This camera's movable. I can put it anywhere I want in the house at any given time. And I'm sure he did. I'm confused by something. So when you're watching on the camera, your audio is coming through into the house? If I click, you can talk. Oh. Talk through the camera. It's like, hey, Robert. In order to hear them, you have to turn the microphone. You have to turn the microphone communication on. Yeah. Dude, that'd be really fucking. I see. That'd be a funny. That'd be a funny. Listen to what they're saying, but Louis hits both buttons so that you can listen and talk. It was scary. Yeah. Oh, dude. It was like, you know, you couldn't really relax. Exactly. That'd be a funny. So if they started shitting on you, you could hear it. Yeah. That'd be a funny. That'd be a very funny sketch show, just like Louis's home video, like home security cameras, like James calling me for father advice or something. We could do funniest ring cameras for the month. Hey, can you pretend to be my dad for a minute? For father, parent, teacher conferences? There's definitely, that's the next thing, though, is like ring doorbell fails and shit. Oh, 100%. Like has like America's Funniest Home Videos. It exists. I walk by a hoop. This guy just found out about Charlie bit my fingers. That's my dog's name. Mike. Charlie did bit my fingers. The internet, dude. The World Wide Web is advanced. Yeah, I know. I'm talking like. You're so analog, bro. I was, there's a basketball hoop I want to try to dunk on in my neighborhood, but I'm afraid that like. I'm going to fucking just eat it and pull the thing down. You're going to Tom Segura it? You're going to fucking separate your shoulder, arm. What Tom Segura did is a fucking physical impossibility for any human being. I've never seen anything like it. And it bums me out because when I had a basketball, when I lived in a building with a basketball court, almost no comedians. It was pretty much the gas fucking digital crew came to play basketball because comedians are at that point all were like, yeah, dude, I don't have insurance where I'm going to be all right if I fucking do this or twist this or break this. And I go, who thinks like that when you play sports? Like you go into it already being like, yeah, dude, I don't have good insurance for my broken ankle. I'm like, don't break it. You fucking Mo. Don't do a layup. You piece of shit. Don't. That's a crazy thing. Don't break your ankle. Don't. Oh, that's hilarious. It's impossible. I can't watch it. Who is that? That's Tom Segura, dude. Dude, you see it. You saw it. Don't look at it. You don't like no defense. Look at the arm. Look at the arm. The arm is crazy. I can't look at that. It's the fourth worst injury. Oh, my God. It's the fourth worst injury in professional basketball. Yeah, it was. What's his name when he went into the pylon and snapped his Paul George? Paul George. When he snapped his leg in half. This is number two. I've never seen that before. No, remember the Louisville, right? The Louisville guy was the worst. His fibula snapped in half. Paul George, same thing as in the middle of his fucking calf, his leg fucking just snapped in half. Snapped in half. Because these guys are six foot ten and have pecker legs. But if you tried that. If you tried that and then that happened on the ring camera, they're going to submit that to America's Funniest Home Videos or whatever. And you're fucked out. You're never going to live that down, dude. No. Of course. Even though you blew your fucking Achilles when I fucking crossed you over hard. Yep. But to this day, even at my age now, there's things I wouldn't do. I wouldn't play tackle football now. It's ridiculous. I would definitely get hurt. It's literally such a better sport for you than basketball. No. No, dude. Because it's so much cutting. We all would. We all watched the fucking Matt and Shane basketball game. We scored zero points. You could have tackled Matt easily. Easily. I could have tackled Matt. Yeah. For sure. But Shane would have fucking. Wait. You guys played Matt and Shane? We got dominated 11 to zero. We lost 11 to zero. Oh. And it set Jay off into a two month depression. He hated it. It was. Dude, let's run it back. The three of us? I would run it back in a heartbeat, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Daddy's got a new Achilles. By the way, Dave. Yeah. Give me something to get motivated. Matt and Shane, you hear that? The Legion of Skanks. We challenge you to a basketball game. Three on three. Yeah. Three on three, you pussies. They should get. They should get La Mer. Matt, Shane, and La Mer. La Mer. Yes. It's got to be La Mer. I'm D-ing up you, La Mer. No, no, no. Their original three. Their original three was Tommy Pope. Well, Tommy Pope is a third. Me and Tommy. I got Tommy Pope. We're going to get crushed again. Which one of us has higher fucking blood pressure? The type off. Let's see. We got this. Three of us? I promise you. Jake, can you say this? Can you go, hey, dude, maybe it'll be a good game? I hope it's a great game. But I think we can kill you guys. This one we can do. This one we can do. Okay. I'm down. If they're down, I'm down. Oh. I'm just so happy Shane might watch this clip. He's going to. And he's going to know his days are numbered. Oh, you're in trouble. Steve, all right. So tell us what happened. So here's what happened. All right. So anyway, this cleaning lady has been around. We have not wanted her. But two weeks ago, this is almost two weeks to the day, my wife and I were on the beach. We were having a vacation. And right before we left, we had to go to the beach. We had a pipe burst in our house. And my brother-in-law went over and turned the water off. But we forgot to tell her because she'd normally just come. So my wife texts her at 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock in the morning. Hey, just to let you know, we have no water in the house. A pipe burst is sealing the waters off. We just learned this. We're away. The girls won't be able to clean. She writes back. Hi, Tracy. They were able to clean using the water from the pool. They left a few minutes ago. Wow. This is saltwater ice cream. - I assume, yeah. - A saltwater pool, Joe, you've been to my house. Yes. Hardwood floors. Yeah, there we go. What? A really accepting piece of wood to salt water. See, this is when I wish you had ring doorbell cameras. I do, I do. Now he's got ring worm. Here's a commercial. Here's a commercial for it. I didn't charge the battery before I left. Oh, no. So the battery. So honestly, my, first of all. That's so bad. Just fill in spray bottles in the pool. Would you even know what to say? I couldn't even believe this was written. Shocking. So she went and got like. No, they shocked the pool. Do you remember? Yeah. Wow. Buckets of water. And by the way, you've been, we've got, I got like two stories. It's a nice pool. It's a big house. It's a serious house. It's a big, you've got a lot to clean. Tubs, sinks, floors, everything. She's telling me she walked up buckets of water. And just poured it on. And poured it onto the floor of our house and cleaned with it. And she's asked me today, there's an update to this. Today, she wants the money. She goes, where's my money for cleaning the house? Where's the money, Lebowski? Yeah, yeah. You should go, you should say, give me an address to send it and call ICE. So I wrote the most. No, it's in the bottom of the pool. I wrote the most angry, angry text. Oh, we haven't seen this. I want to hear it. The most angry text that I could have come up with. But then. Did you use the head slap emoji again? Dude, I, yeah. That was embarrassing. I had Diablo in it. I had so many bad, like, I was like, but then I used the right move. I go, hold on. I hit that little AI thing that changes it. And I made it to friendly. Okay. Say what you mean, but don't say it means. So this is what I said. Hey, hey, Vanessa, because she wants her money. That's nice. Hey, I'm writing to inform you that we will no longer be using, required to use your service. Wow. He fired her. I appreciate the work you've done over the past few years, but cleaning our house with pool water is a bridge too far. We believe that this unwise action is a decision. For that, for the reason of that, we will not be reimbursing you for your unwise decision. The house was left in a state of dismay and the odor after the cleaning was terrible. Thank you for your, you know, your assistance. What did she say? She obviously, because I know her English, she did. She checkmated me back with more AI. I can't wait. You want to know what she said to me? Of course I do. Hello. Sorry for fucking salt water. I understand and respect your decision. Okay. I just wish we'd been given the opportunity to address the situation, especially regarding the odor, as that is something we could have come back and tried to resolve. Unfortunately, we were not informed beforehand about the condition of the house, but you saw that she was. We did our best to clean the house thoroughly as possible with what we were dealing with, which was pool water. Let's remember that. Okay. I truly appreciate the trust you placed in me. I think rainwater would have been better. Better than chemicals water. Yes. Wow. There was a case of bottled water on the kitchen table. If they just opened that up and started spraying them around. Pour in a bucket. I truly appreciate the trust you placed in me and my team over the past few years. And I'm grateful for all the years we were able to take care of your home. I wish you and your family the best. Regards. I'll hire this woman. I don't have a pool. Just, I dare you right now to write back the N word. Part R. But I'm not paying her. My wife wants to pay her. Really? Give her half. Yes, because she's like. Compromise. Dude, tie the money to a rock and put it in the bottom of the pool. Say, go fucking get it. She can go down and get it. Yeah. All right. That seems fun. Put it in a Ziploc bag. Go find it. Like Anthony Soprano in the Sopranos when they tied a fucking. Yeah, bitch. Live la vida loca. I mean, is this crazy? It's fucking insane. It's insane that someone would. Because I honestly believe, because I said, I don't have the ring. I don't think they really cleaned the house. I think they walked in. They probably sprayed some shit, vacuumed up a little bit. They're not. Dude. Which one of them is smart enough to go, let's take the water from the fucking pool. They went swimming. The minute they found out you were away, they threw a pool party. And then they walked in your house with wet feet. Yep. And they fucking threw some paper towels out. And your fucking ring camera was out, you dumb shit. And they were just fucking big booty fucking contest in the backyard. Three ring cameras. And they had a fucking. They were grilling. Bad Bunny fucking music video happening in the backyard. It was like pumps in a bottle. They were having pollo fights. They threw a makeshift raft into the pool and were floating on it. Well, she's fired and that's it. Wow. And I feel, and I've never fired anyone. Try Russians. I'm the same manager, the same agent. Try Russians. I want to try Russians. Try Russians. No, Latinas. Are you out of your fucking mind? Dude, my lady's Brazilian. Nobody wants Russians. Latinas all day long. I have a gay band that Karen recommended and he worked shirtless. He kicked us out of the house. He said, I like to work shirtless. And he did an amazing job. He was unbelievable. I'm always thinking they're going to say they're gay in the interview. Wait, that's weird as fuck, dude. And then all of a sudden you come home. No one's going to talk about that. If anybody asked me to leave my home because they're going to do their thing shirtless, I'd fucking dick their ass. And him and Sarah are playing fucking Cirque du Soleil. And she's like, I didn't think he was gay. I thought he was gay, but I guess he's not. Well, didn't I tell you that story? So I have a bunch of, I'm a fan of photography. I have a bunch of photography books. And only one, there's like eight of them. They're thick. There's only one naked photo. And he left it open to that page. This is weird. You need to get rid of this guy. Well, we only used him once. And I came. And he's Matteo Lane. You're not going to fire him. Don't fire that talent. Best house cleaner on the planet. But he like went through the books until he found a naked woman and opened it to that page. And he worked shirtless. But it was fucking spotless. Other than the cum. Does he clean with his shirt? Does he like clean with his shirt? No, he says I like to get shirtless and do his thing. I think cum is an actual safe screen cleaner. Is that right? No. Maybe. That's like Hank Azaria from the birdcage, right? You've just gotten used to your screen like that. I'm just saying, a microfiber cloth and my own jizz. I can watch movies. Yeah, ShamWow and a cleanup. My lady's leaving. My lady's moving back. And she goes, I got somebody that's going to take my place. So she's replacing herself. Oh, I don't like that. Me neither, because I don't know this fucking lady. Same price. Same price, same everything. Can I say, though? Here's the thing. I'll tell you why it's good. Because now she's accountable. She's going to only recommend a friend who she's going to be accountable for to go back to the drawing board. Because I've had a bunch of shitty cleaning ladies. I finally have one that I really, really. It's like a therapist. It takes so long to find the right one. So I say, let it run, dude. Is this like when Bert and Tom talk about being rich? Probably. No. That's why I asked. I don't talk to therapists, Kim. You all have cleaning people. I only talk to one therapist. Not every day. Clap your hands if you don't have a cleaning person. I mean, come on. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I think the average person does not. Clap your hands if you don't have a therapist. Me either, dude. I talk to one therapist only. His name is God. I yell at him every morning. I had a cleaning lady when I lived in Queens. I had a one bedroom place. I just need it clean and I'm bad. No, I've always paid some low level hunk of shit to clean my house. You know, every time I get a cleaning lady, I stop for a few weeks and I take it back over myself. No, not me. I stand over them and I go, keep going. You want live Estados Unidos? You know what I don't like? And then I put my foot on their fucking neck like Rocco Sofretti in the toilet. But you know what I don't like? Nothing sexual, though. I get it. Nothing gay about it. I don't cross lines. Kim, I'm sorry, please. Hold on. Kim is handcuffing herself to a blackface baby. Oh, dude. What I don't like is that after they're done cleaning, they do that thing where they're like, take a look and they walk with you through the rooms and you're supposed to like swipe things and correct them. They would never do that in my place because they don't do so much shit. That's what I do when they leave. I judge after you leave is when I sit and I go, all right, this is clean, that's not clean. Do you ever leave traps? Like something like you're like, I'll leave a plump of hair over there? I don't need to because I've never been there. I leave a bear trap in my closet. I hope to think that my energy has stayed the working class man. But the way I feel, I'm like, when the landscapers leave and I go. Do you have working class man energy? I do. He does. But I think that when my landscapers leave and I go. Spring eyeliner. I go. I'm not wearing eyeliner at all. That is true. But on Wednesday at Marilyn Manson, we're all wearing dripping mascara. You do have your nails polished and your hair's red. Oh, it's blood red too. Isn't that cool? He's like Goff Fetterman. John Fetterman from the fucking. The senator from Pennsylvania. I would say you're manly enough. This is my funeral hoodie. I would say like you're not like I would call you a manly dude. You're not like a pussy, but you're not an every man energy. Not every man dresses. This is the way you dress. No, they would if they didn't have to answer to the owner of the auto body shop. Dude, sweatshirts and jeans is an every man. Look, just because it's different sweatshirts. Like, you know, this is a jean shorts like this. He could be working for the highway department. Too many accessories for an every man. These accessories are very every man. This is mall kiosk shit. My uncle is a fireman and a plumber and his fingernails are painted. He has a bunch of goddamn right. He bleaches his asshole like all good firemen. He hits his wife one eye at a time. Jay gets spray tanned monthly. He gets his eyebrows done. I never ever. Well, one time. One time I got spray tan. I've never done it again. You haven't done it again. Now I've looked into it, but I'll be honest. You got a book so far out. It's fine. How many people see my pale farmer's dick anyway? Really? Do they charge by the bucket of paint? What do they charge? - It's airbrush, Steve. - All right, I'm just asking. I do get my eyebrows done that is a fact but that's the reason that Kim would like to have sex with me and Louis that's true and why Joe and I are just left in the corner I think that's watch the Yankees and the Red Sox counting the cums you fuck a fat guy with an eyebrow slit that goes into his hair slit I'll tell you what you're probably very best gonna get a fucking 16 bars of rap written about you that's true you are a legend who? you alright guys let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting this show the best functional coffee on the planet we use real coffee a lot of these functional coffees it's not even real coffee they put a bunch of shit in there it tastes like shit real coffee premium freeze dried Colombian coffee blended with nootropics and adaptogens that genuinely work Tonkat Ali which has been linked to testosterone support Lion's Mane thank you people are clapping for Tonkat Lion's Mane for brain function Ashwagandha for mood and it reduces your 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hate it yeah send it back do you get credit for the sale no I have to I lose money yeah but you get 300% back right Jay but I get it all back all of it plus 20 200% but then I'll put that money back in and then I'll buy more complaints selling it I'll complain I'll get my money back no once you get your money back once you're put on a bodybrain list oh here we go with the fucking corporate bullshit I knew you went jock dude go to bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code LOS20 for 20% off let me tell you about brunt work wear I was cutting down a tree in my yard this week and no one's ever looked sexier than I did in brunt work wear or cutting down this tree yes let me tell you I felt I felt safe I felt sexy and seen you felt seen and I felt seen by my neighbors okay and let me tell you from now till September 18th brunt is giving away one lucky winner $50,000 come on that's crazy and you can enter for free entering is completely free but every dollar spent on more entries just create a 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guys I'm picking up my gun tomorrow nice thank you thank you finally the jury's still out as to whether this is a good idea or not no the jury's in and I'll tell you this I've already started writing what I'm gonna say at your funeral I go look I guess the pressure became too much gas digital was weighing on and it was going under the employees had no idea I just the image of Anthony Kiedis in Point Break when he shoots himself in the foot that was on last night it's a great film dude I've heard a Point Break reference so many times recently it's pretty dope I watched it at Lewis's the other night full disclosure I banged the guy's son that wrote it recently wait a minute hold on let me do the math shut up is that cheating on them thank you guys come on son have some fucking respect the son of the guy who wrote it son of the guy who wrote it I'll tell you what let me tell you why that guy was so great because it wasn't unfortunately it wasn't a script because they remade it terribly with no name actors to prove the point I guess that it wasn't a fantastic story what did they ad-lib it it's so weird they remade it at all yeah and it was it's Gary Busey and fucking Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze and Swayze and Swayze dude Swayze energy in that movie and Laurie Petty who's very hot regular old dudes just jumping out of airplanes to catch each other and assuming when I get him the parachute will figure everything else out I guess you never watched Point Break Lewis sorry that I had cable before you I watched Point Break well then fucking chime in dickface did it not touch you we're all talking over here because this is Point Break son touched me yeah so that's awesome that's awesome I think that's really cool that's so cool that's awesome no I think that's awesome like dude we would talk about that that jizz on your face was one degree of Kevin Bacon from Keanu Reeves for a second did he go Vaya con Dios and wipe it off your chin I hope to God you took it off on a fucking magnifying glass slide like Dexter to keep it from your fucking serial killer collection put it in the freezer put it behind the AC like Dexter what kind of gun are you getting it's a CZ P10 why would you ask the question here we go because I want to get one too slow down take it proudly Mike what's he going to say it's going to make you go oh that's a good one yeah yeah we asked him this question do you know guns like Glock a little bit no do you I've been looking at them I want one too I know but the way he's Lewis go on and tell Mike what the what difference does it make why I asked him I want to know I know because you don't know he's going to give you a bunch of numbers and letters he doesn't know dude he has no idea he said C3PO C3PO yeah is what he said Lewis bought the one no but I got the elite with the Lewis got the Jar Jar the red dot sight yeah Lewis got the one that looks best when you hold it like this I think we might have the same gun I think we got the same gun nice he pistol whipped an employee he goes you like that Karen oh dude that's it you got that thing on top tomorrow 7pm Lewis and Amir going come with me if you want to live are you John Connor wait did you get a scope too it's a red laser sight I got the same one oh my god something's sick like it's not cool that I got it too he's like so pissed I got the same one that one day you guys are going to get back together and kill each other with the same gun it really will be like fucking Romeo and Juliet when you guys blow each other's heads off I'm genuinely still intimidated by it I'm going to go and they're going to hand it to me tomorrow that's crazy it's like a baby yeah dude you're immediately going to go to a mosque yeah but you can't put a baby in your mouth I had the roller blade home after you ruined fucking 9-11 it's gone now no no you can do it again no one heard it you set me up no you got to do the hold on I got the CZ blah blah blah the CZ oh and then you said you had a great Lewis bought an iChart hell yeah I'm going to do yours oh yeah it's like taking home a fucking baby yeah but you can't put a baby in your mouth you can though you can though Kim just his dick you've never partied you've never partied a drug addict probably for sure probably a hand yeah so yeah I don't know shit about guns so I'm have you fired it yet this I've fired this type of gun not my actual gun that's what I meant yeah how'd it go good it's very very accurate and does it fucking no but it has the fucking hole at the top so it doesn't do that it's got a blast shoots at the top what like a whale it's ported they call it ported it's like the whale's pork the end of it has a hole in it so then the comes out the top so it doesn't fucking kick back oh oh like energy will shoot out the top in four days so the bullet goes straight it makes murder suicide in four days in half the time bang boom fucking shoot yourself in the face in four days Lewis is gonna be in his living room holding his finger sort of on the trigger and making the dog chase the fucking red light look at it Apple there it is it's not that there it is Apple tell my story I'm just fucking around I think about it sometimes though no it's not it's not there's no dot you just see the dot it doesn't actually I know oh you see the dot oh through the thing you see the dot can you alright so you're going home with this thing tomorrow absolutely here's your case here's your gun have a good day yeah yeah no like you doing good how you feeling I don't think they did all that already what if you walk in tomorrow like motherfucker dude you got my fucking gun ready to go and don't worry he will I think they give it to you are they gonna beat you halfway on energy on that or is that like I needed this thing like yesterday yeah where the fuck was this yesterday why aren't you guys open on Sundays you piece of shit same time I was just fucking crazy my gun nobody's at church on Tuesdays I've had to maintain I can maintain this energy for 72 fucking hours! My son's had a terrible weekend. Well, I mean, the truth is, I could have legitimately snapped yesterday. Like, psychologically, what if I had a breakdown? My wife left me, my kid died. If you fucking ruled, you would fucking at least put it to your head when you hand it to you? Yeah, dude. Like, test the limits of what they will. You go, I'm just kidding, but like, isn't that crazy that, like, after all this, I could have just done that? Yeah. Teach him a lesson. All that hubbub, I could have just fucking laid my brains all over your fucking display fucking model. Have you seen those videos of the people that go to the shooting ranges and go crazy? No. No, but it's why I walked out very quickly when me and Louis went. I gave him my bullets, and I go, I'm gonna go smoke and shake outside. It's very threatening when somebody hands you bullets. You're like, what? I go, shoot mine, dude. I'm gonna go outside and smoke. This guy's fucking shells are hitting my arm, and I think he wants to kill me. Have you guys ever done that Edmonton gig, the one in the mall? Yes. Yeah, where they have the shooting range there? That's the only time I've ever shot a gun. I went to that shooting range at, like, noon after radio in the mall. Every mall's a shooting range if you're angry. Yeah, that's true. That's right. By the way, and you can target whatever you want. There's a bunch of them there. Errol Postel, J. Crew. No, this one has a fucking actual shooting range, and I went into this, and I was like, and they just hand you guns, and you just shoot. I was fucking shooting guns straight up in the air. I have no idea, and I was like, this is not for me. I got my gun in Texas, and I literally just walked in and was, like, threw my card up, and they gave it to me. I walked out with it. They don't give a shit. Within an hour, and then. They give you a background check. You don't have to say anything more about Texas's terrifying gun practices than the fact that I believe Kurt Metzger owns two guns. Wow. You might as well just already count the dead at a church. That's a law waiting to happen. Kurt's law. You know that's coming soon. Kurt's law's great. In Texas, you now have to read. Three days for a gun because of Kurt Metzger. They just have to look at your podcast. Metzger's rules of gun use. Yeah. They have to look at your former podcast before you get one. You have to blink at least once while filling out the application. If you are definitely convinced that the Meek Mill P. Diddy tape was real and Jews control the weather, then you should take this. All right, give it to me. I love how half the audience was like, well, they do, so. Yeah, I was like, take it. Wait, so for real, though, tomorrow you go pick it up. Whatever mood you're in, they're gonna give it to you regardless of whatever, right? People that like guns, it's like potheads. Potheads want you to smoke weed. Gun people want you to have guns. Buy guns, great. They're stoked for you. Well, they're also salespeople. They don't care. Dude, you're gonna love this when your wife gets lippy and you fucking just keep pointing at her and then yourself and keep telling her, like, I'll just fucking end this whole thing. The weirdest part is when you get the gun and you have it in the car with you, it feels like you adopted, like, a foreign child. Oh, yeah. And you're like, oh, wow, me and this thing look so different. You can't do that here. Louis, you don't have a carry, right? Not yet, no. Yeah, so you can't bring it out of the house. Let me ask you a question. Oh, damn. Tomorrow night, you're sitting with your gun. How long before. You're sitting with your gun. Yeah, I know. You're like, what's up, gun? Yo, and Louis is 100% chilling with that. If James isn't over, chilling with that gun tomorrow night. Yeah, if you're not 100%, it's out, it's on the couch. I don't think you realize exactly how, like, I'm not interested in just. I think you're gonna open your dog's mouth and see if it fits in there and be like. It's the first day. Just know, I control your fate every day. I'm going to go to a range on Wednesday. Okay. Yeah. How long before you open the box up till you can get bullets in and shoot them? Like, how. What is. Tomorrow. No, no, no. Like, stopwatch. You're saying. Yeah, like. Like, stopwatch. What do you think the time rate from the time you open the box up, hold the gun up, and you can actually open it up, get bullets into it? Like, in order to use it for self-defense? Like, if somebody's broken your house. I know how to do that. I mean, I can load. Well, it's loaded. It's loaded. It's got bullets already in it. What do you mean? It comes with bullets in it? No, it doesn't come with bullets in it. No, you. You preload the magazine. I understand. You put pool water in the gun. Yeah. And it's ready. You just click it in. So they will give you a magazine with bullets already in it? Oh, no, no, no, no. You have to fill it up yourself. You're saying the second you leave the store, you get attacked? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, how. Do you know how to use it? Like, are you like. Boom. I can. I don't. I don't know. Here's what I don't know. I don't know how to take apart or clean the gun, so I'm taking a class on how to do that. You have to learn. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. And I went through the process of getting a real ID, and then I almost said the N-word in public, so I fucking didn't go back to that DMV. Almost. We have three podcasts full of just. No, that day, I mean. Maybe you've never seen Niggerdick Part 1 and 2. No, that was back in the day, though. And honestly, you've got to get it for context. Yeah, really, honestly. You've got to get a guess. It wasn't a bad thing. You've got to subscribe to Gas Tissue to go to gems. Black guys were winning in that episode. How many bullets go into a thing? 13, 12. Yeah. 13. I didn't ask you, Kim. I'm asking Louis. 16 in the clip and one in the hole. Louis J. is about to make some bodies turn cold. Yeah! Yeah. 16 in the clip? I think it's 10 in the clip in Jersey. I don't think you can get larger clips in Jersey. Yeah, you can, dude. You can get large clits in my house. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. All right, so look. They put together a gun safety quiz for me to see if I should own a gun. Oh, no. So I have a safety quiz I found online, which is basically more feedback. We got Sonic Youth on the ones and twos. G-Mike, just front of house. Holy shit. God, I'm looking like George Wendt from Cheers. No, dude, you're fucking gorgeous. There's lasers now. Yeah, I'm hoping this is the lighting in here. Let's do group laser. No, it's not great. That wasn't even sparkling water? That's not even sparkling water? That was. Wait, what? Nothing. Hey, champ. Yeah? I have rosacea, too. Want to go get lasers together? We're going to do it together, dude. What's up with you and this rosacea? It's a rosacea issue. It bothers him too much, but we're going to do it together. We're going to. He's going to help me get my rosacea fixed. Can I just say. I'm going to get a little rosacea fixed, too. I'd rather a man be red than too white. No, it won't be too white. It just gets rid of the rosacea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be like smooth, sexy tan. I'm tan. You're getting back to like 2006 rent is easy. Yeah, that's right. Shredded. This guy's coming in good. We're going to be 4% body fat by the skank fest. You did nail George Wendt. It's dead on. It's right, right? Yeah. It's bad, dude. Steve. That's not good. He's dead. No, he's not. He's alive. No, he's not. George Wendt died? Yep. No! Yeah, dude. Who's George Wendt? First of all, I'm Oren from Cheers. I got to make a phone call. I'm owed $30,000 in a dead pool. No one told me. He came and went, folks. Hey, man. All right. Mass. That was good. Can I do my dates? That's quick. You just learned that information 10 seconds ago. One of the quickest. Did he really die? Yeah, he did. He's dead. However, Ratzenberger lives. G, Mike? Yeah, so I found a basic, just like a multiple choice for new gun owners quiz online, and then I also have a handful, like four or five scenarios of what do you do in a certain situation and what you're allowed to do. All right, sweet. I love it. Very nice. The scenarios isn't going to go well for the list. Let's see. No. So here's the quiz, if you want to. Okay. The first question is, how do you store firearms when they are not in use? Okay. On a high shelf? That seems right. In a firearm-safe storage room? In a storage device, including a gun safe, gun lock box, gun case, or gun lock? Not too long. C, I don't secure my firearm when it's not in use? Or D, in a locked or unlocked drawer? Or E, my gun is never not in use? I hope this gets harder. How do you lock it if it's in my ass? Yeah, Jay's ass. I was going to say, really? This fucking really is, I mean, you shoot it until I'm out of bullets. This seems a little on the nose. It seems like they're asking me, are you an idiot? Yeah. B? Oh, sorry. Now, we know the actual answer is fucking four. In a locked, in a drawer. Well, my kid's not a snoop. Like, I could just leave. No, dude, I would trust that completely that he's never going to look through the drawers. Yeah, he's never. And leave it loaded. Yeah. And fucking also in there, leave pictures of you doing deplorable shit that might make him want to end it all. And if he does find it, he'll probably do like a musical sketch, like, where are the jets? Where are the jets? Well, Steve, I mean, read the room, but he's the sharks. Sorry, my bad. Yeah, my bad. I mean, that was an obvious one. Give me the next one, Jay Mike. Well, you didn't give an answer, though. In a lock. I'm getting a safe. I have a specific safe that I'm buying. It's dope. Okay, how do you store your firearm? The password is James. How do you store your firearm temporarily in a vehicle? In the glove compartment? Yeah. Okay, maybe. That's a maybe. In between, in the console between seats? Okay, that also works. So, you know, under one of the seats. Who's chasing us? Yeah. In a locking device affixed to the vehicle. I say under one of the seats, dude, in case some ops pull up. Yeah. Or in the trunk. I would say in the trunk, probably, right? If you don't have concealed carry? Probably the locking device. Well, dude, I'll tell you what. In a lock device affixed to the vehicle? Yeah, here's what I would say. Probably the one with the most words. My glove compartment's locked and so is the trunk in the back, and I know my rights to yoga need a lawyer for that. I got 99 problems. Fucking trunk. Trunk. Trunk, I say, all day long. No. No. You're saying no. In the lock device. Affixed to the vehicle. Yes, it has to be. They don't want it floating around. They don't want to lose time, yeah. Oh, shit. There's a hard right turn. In a case. You slam on the brakes too much. I always say 12 inches away from me making you famous. Yeah. Oh, man. I mean, you don't want it in the car because I have road rage. It needs to be where I can't get to it. By the way, in the car, I would also do things like I would get next to cars and put it next to my head and be like, I don't give a fuck about any of this. I would just love to see Lewis just fisting the seats trying to find his gun as he's trying to blow someone in the left lane away. Motherfucker. But he gets distracted because he feels like he's going to find something else. My key chain. Pretzel. G Mike, what is the answer? Let's see. I'm going to pick in the trunk. Let's see. No. Oh, fuck. Locking device. Lock device. They, they, You want, like, the safest thing, dude. What the fuck? Where is that? Under the car? What does that mean? Like, one of those little key sliding things where you hide your key? They want it to lock in so you go, like, Yes, you have to, like, open up a thing. It's not, like, it's not a portable situation. Yeah, it explains the answer, because people break into cars. I'm, well, is this a story in the gun or driving it home from the gun store? Because I'm going to put it in my trunk tomorrow. That's the plan. This is when you're driving around with it. You can only drive, so, you know, like, in New Jersey, you're only allowed to drive around with a gun, and it has to be attached to your body. Let me say this. I know. This is the truth. That's not from New Jersey. In New Jersey, if you have a concealed carry, you can't have the gun in the car. It has to be on your body. Going back to my baby question originally, they don't let you take the baby home unless you have a car seat that's locked into the fucking. That's true. Yes. So, like, they check before, but you, they're just going to let it walk out? By 9 p.m. tomorrow, Louis is going to have his high school bully on his knees and his back, on the back of his head. In the trunk. Oh! Ball gag in his mouth. Yeah. What do you think of my chubby belly now, fuck face? Yeah, I like the wide bottom pants. So what? Karma is a boomerang. I just learned that Louis went to high school. That's crazy. You serious? It's also the craziest feeling. Always picture him as the bully. once you put your gun in a holster in your pants, and now you have a gun pointed at your fucking dick. That's just Halloween in Austin. I'd like you to wear it under your armpit, under a blazer. I think tomorrow. I don't believe. I believe that I'm going to put it in its carrying case in the trunk, and that is the legal one. And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life of wearing a blazer. Legally, that is the way to bring it home. No, you don't. I can't. I can't drive around with it on my. But once you get home, you're certainly going to put that thing under your armpit and wear a blazer from now on, right? That would be sick, dude. He took apart a fucking drawer. Yeah. And, like, taped it to his arm. Whatever that thing that slides out on your drawer. Louis. If you had an all-the-time fucking wrist piece. Yeah. How many days before. Before Louis is like, you looking at me? You talking to me? You talking to me? I'll tell you this. I'm the only one here. Dude, the fuck else. You must be talking to me. It's Apple. The adrenaline. It makes you more confident. The adrenaline of big cock energy he's going to feel tomorrow, and I mean this, and I hope he doesn't not do it because I'm just saying it, but I hope you'll tell me if you still have the urge. I bet within two weeks, he's back buying another gun. I agree. Wait, is it once you get. Let me say this. Do you need to get, like, a license for every gun? So you have to have a second license, but you have to buy one gun per month in New Jersey. He's itching for that other one. No, no, I'm getting. You got one for Louis J. Gomez, one for L.J. Gomez. Well, I'm getting one for concealed carry and one for home protection. Yeah! So the one I'm buying for. Take it to the streets! The one that I'm buying for concealed carry is a smaller gun. All the women are leaving now that they know. Their P's are wet. They're horny as shit with all this gun talk. They got to go finger each other now. Oh, my God, this guy must have a huge car. This guy must have a 9mm. Give me her purse. Give me her purse. I'm kidding. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? The fuck is wrong? You were going to assist in a crime? He did. I said, give me your purse. He was like, cool, dude, let's go. That guy should win the intern Olympics or whatever the fuck. That's the man. You're not wrong. All right, you want to go to the next scenario? Here you go. This is the last question. It says, how often should parents talk with their children about firearm safety? Oh, Jesus. It should be discussed often. It should be discussed once a year. Are we kidding? Most children know not to touch guns, so it doesn't need to be a regular conversation. Or guns don't need to be discussed in a household. I think James gets it. He watched The Wire. He's going to be like, James, you want to hear the coolest shit ever? Daddy's got a fucking pistol, motherfucker, let's go. You want to see daddy lick a few off of the air out back? I'll do it. I'm a cool dad. Put that on your head. James, you want to play a game? This is the toughest question. I actually don't. I'm thinking often. If you're a gun owner. You're joking, right? It's often. It's often. I thought it was once a year. This is stupid. On Christmas. Yeah, on gun awareness day. Give scenarios where he's going to definitely say kill and fucking let God sort him out. Honestly, though, I probably, had I not been jumped, I would have said they don't discuss. If I bought a gun, I wouldn't tell my sons I bought a gun. No. I agree. Right? It would tempt them. No, I don't want them to know. They're dumb right now as it is. They're not finding anything new as it is right now. Yeah, they got to get their fucking own. So if I told them I bought a gun, then I'm inviting them on a hunting trip. On a hunting trip. Like hunt around the house and try to find a gun. Well, that's the thing. I could buy as many assault rifles as I want right now. Once you have a gun license, you don't need to get individual. And there's no limitation. Nope. So if I didn't tell them, I would not tell them. But if I was like, hey, I'm going tomorrow. You know what tomorrow is, right? It's daddy picks up the gun. Daddy picks up the gun. Then we would have to have a conversation, you know, once a month or whatever. What would you have once a month? You go, hey, are you guys still? I'd hire up Easter with the eggs. Just a heads up. Guns still. Still a little dangerous. Yeah, I'd hire up Easter with all the eggs. Guess what? Somebody's going to find a gun today. Remember that gun? That's a great reminder to do the safety talk. So have you spoken to James? They're not dangerous if you know the answer to those questions. I did speak to James. He knows I'm getting a gun. I'm going to take him shooting. He's going to learn how to use the gun. He's going to go to the range. No, dude. I love it. Why? I mean, I just. Make him the crossbow guy in case he's a buckler. What if he's like, oh, I'm the man of the house now. Like, what if he. I'm the captain now. You've taught him the deadliest of deadliest. I can draw right now on the future of James two-handed over your sleeping body. You're going, James, put the gun down. Do you love her? Do you love her, James? Is this one going to be my mom? Put the gun down, James. Put the gun down. You're having sex with my girlfriend. Do you love her? He rips the gun out of James. Did you fuck my teaching? Come here, motherfucker. You know what it's like to go to the city and do skanks every fucking Monday. I got to fucking come home to this. I'll fucking come home to this. I'm sorry. James, sometimes daddies make mistakes. Let's just put the gun down, champ. Let's do plugs real quick. I want to get into some of these scenarios. Joe, what are you plugging, my friend? First of all, I want to film every scene of Henry and Karen from Goodfellas with you and James. I couldn't stand dad. What do I got? I'm in Toronto the 24th of September. We added a show, so come out to that. There's going to be Toronto people listening, and Skankfest Doc is coming out someday. Hell yeah. I'm excited. I saw some of the footage today. It was great. Yeah, I can't wait. Mikey, when does this come out? Tomorrow. And then Friday on YouTube. Cool. I'm in Nashville this weekend. Zany's, Nashville. So come out. There's definitely still tickets available. And then. All my dates are at MikeFannoyacomedy.com. New Year's Eve at Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Oh, nice. Fuck yeah. That's going to be a blast. Thank you. At Mike Fannoy on socials. Thanks. Kimberly. Kimmy fucking Kong. Ben. Your intern just went to Target for my sugar-free Red Bull. That's crazy. I'm going to have some of that. For your insulin? Target? I hate to say this, but can I also get a cup of ice? Where the fuck is Target? No. Yeah, well, way to do half the job, you dumb piece of shit. Hey, what do I have to invoice? You for this? You tell them to give me this? Do they go to Patterson, New Jersey? Lewis is like, no, but give me that receipt. I'll shoot the Target tomorrow. What's up? Yes. KimCongdon.com for show dates. I'm on the end of. This is like the end of my tour. I think we have Canada or something coming up, and that's it. Philadelphia, New York, Toronto. Yeah, we already did those. Yeah, KimCongdon.com. And check me out on the fold. She said, I have Canada coming up. Do you know how big Canada is? Toronto. I can't remember. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Can I have that lighter? Come see me on the road, guys. lewisofskanks.com is the website. My next dates are September 11th and 12th. I will be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the Comedy Bar right after that. Week after, I'm in Portland, Maine with Nick Rochefort coming with me to those shows, which I'm very excited about that. He's the man. Belmore, New York, Rochester. Vancouver's being moved to January. Sorry, guys. I got a better venue. And New Year's Eve, Sidesplitters, guys. Did you get that one? Yes, yes. Fucking yeah. Helper. New Year's Eve, I will be at Sidesplitters in Tampa. Florida. So get those tickets for New Year's Eve. It will be a ton of fun. I'm going to have a couple special guests coming down with me as well. Subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, we do a Friday night show. Just the three of us, the Friday night hang, doing it for 15 years straight with me, Steve and Jay. And you guys can get that. The only way to access that is by going to gasdigital.com. You get the uncensored ad-free version of the show, pre-release, over 900 episodes in the on-demand library, plus thousands of other episodes from all the other shows on the network. The number one way to support this show and uncensored comedies is by subscribing to Gas Digital. Use the promo code LOS. Buy my book, Knives and Spoons, which I'm finishing up. The audio book tomorrow. So that will be out in the next few weeks. And God bless America. He does it all in a British accent. What an asshole. Big day tomorrow. At the sound of the gun, turn the page. Steve, run as easy. Yeah, baby. I'm going on. I got Cleveland hilarities. You know, the fall I'm doing, my son's a senior this year, and he has a football, and I'm going to be- Who the fuck exports their spots like this that much? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a football. Yeah, no, I spread them out. I'm on the road, but listen, I have- No, I'm doing a lot of Hollywood. Home time. I don't want to miss a single game. I hate how they show how many tickets are left. Do never do that for me, ever. That's crazy. By the way, Steve's doing all right. That's all right, dude. Actually, those are pretty good sales. Hilarity, those are great sales. Hilarity's a big place. That's two months out. That's two months out, so that's all right. That's really fucking good. Well, it's when it's your only date on the whole schedule for the rest of the year. People tend to flock to it. No, I just, I want to watch my son play football this fall, so yeah. That's great. But right now, we got a month, we got a week left of cameos. I'm doing all those cameos. We want to get, I've had so many, dude, I'm not kidding you. I've been doing cameo for three years. A lot of people, every year, every year, it's always the legally. had for one league i've had three people go three for life dude three for life the fucking fans are out there i appreciate it by the way the fans the fans love you dude love you unanimously i wish i wish the fan base loved me as much as they love you they don't they already love you more than lewis and i gotta tell you i love you and i'm not a fan i fucking hate this show what an amazing rise from the ashes like a phoenix if their love can only cure my rosacea big j lasers dude big j comedy.com for all my dates i'm all over the place this weekend i'm in albany tristan bowling's gonna open for me there that's gonna be a lot of fun awesome um and then i have other shows for sure they're out there man i never stopped touring so it's uh it's out there for sure yeah oh fuck yeah albany we nailed that virginia beach coming up after that that is normally a black club so come enjoy do you want to borrow my gun come enjoy the first time that bar next door is gonna be full of white people doing karaoke oh what a fucking what a quality fall off but goobies in timonium maryland i'm gonna eat wawa that weekend hilarity's theater of course in cleveland ohio come check me out there first time ever in seattle in a long time emerald city comedy club first time there brand new club i think uh and then comedy works downtown so much more look for a senior you big j comedy.com greatest yapper live tour happening right now uh i have fun announcements coming pretty soon i think but um i love it make sure you watch the kevin hart roast and listen to the bonfire and listen and watch story wars right here on gas digital hell yeah i also forgot one plug the comedy dating show which i'm doing yeah so if we did it here at the stand yeah fuck you i forgot all my steven me too i always do about mothership two weeks mothership in two weeks and then side split is october 1st to the 3rd hell yeah yes mike what'd you forget uh saturday night shakedown on the grateful dead channel sirius xm yeah every saturday night eight to nine see plugs are like one hour so what's that that's two songs that's two whole songs and i'm here to announce something you guys don't even know whenever you do another half hour series of comics yeah i want a spot 100 percent steve are you kidding me yeah absolutely the specialist came actually you know i'll say that let me plug this yeah plug uh zach amico the special as you're watching this on gas digital zach amico has a brand new special after i mean zach is so funny he's likely gonna die in the next year you gotta watch this special guys first tim's is out tim's is doing great tim's is so good half a million already right every one of the specials every one of the specials came out fucking great we got uh we got um sam tripoli coming up we got uncle laser coming up dave landau aaron berg zach amico is coming out tomorrow if you're watching this on youtube click over right now we're gonna put it in the notes we'll put zach amico special click over to it give it a like comment and hype it support zach amico he's the fucking genius the best listen i don't want to jump on the hype train i don't want to get everybody all fucking stoked but if you do another round of half hour yeah you are oh we are for sure and they're not booked yet no next year another round of specials oh okay yeah well if you do another round of specials i'm gonna come support hell yeah nice dude nice nice i'll announce people i'll announce them when they come on zach amico first specialty is the blimp camera wide lens blimp camera better use the same camera they filmed the odyssey with uh all right do we want to give us some of these scenarios yes please please roll through because i really want to talk about lindsey clancy murdering her children oh dude i got a whole fucking mouthful from my wife on the car right here really she's oh let me just tell you something you don't know all the facts and i was like oh let me guess you're gonna tell me all the goddamn fucking facts oh what a fun flight to france that's gonna be i can't wait to be like you know you really didn't support her you just hate women all right anyway let's let it go gg mike it's tomorrow's paris problems all right here's the first scenario you and your partner are in a heated aggressive verbal dispute in your home shooter is it still the gun quiz flesh wound flesh wound just the arm or the leg no no there's more there's more there's more okay you and your partner in a heated aggressive verbal dispute in your home no physical violence has occurred you just got you decide to de-escalate so you leave the bedroom to sleep on the couch you remember your firearm is in the nightstand do you grab your legal firearm before walking out oh yeah phone wallet that's a great question and can i just ask mike back it up she's in the bedroom sleeping yes yes so do i leave her how angry is she is it kim congdon it's who is it is it my girlfriend or is it kim is kim congdon because here she says i'm just taking the room you go yo i gotta get that gun yeah here's what you have to weigh there are there's gonna be jokes on you already have my own there's gonna be three seconds where you are pulling that gun out of the night stand and you were over her head and you are going this way and then you're gonna go and if she wakes up during those moments you are i control your destiny big fucking trouble yeah you gotta tiptoe back in you it's got my gun yeah yeah yeah hey or do you make an announcement i'm coming in to get my fucking gun i know the answer i know the hands where i can see them i don't know the answer but my guess would be my guess would be uh you go take it you have to there's no right answer here i think there is a i think it's a right answer there's no right answer yeah it should be you leave it in the room because it should be locked and it should be the only one if she goes and kills a homeless person it should be locked it should be locked yeah so you grab the whole let me say this lockbox this isn't a trick question there's not a right answer these are scenarios that they made up yeah but i have uh like the laws that back it up but they're like some don't have particularly a right answer but it tells you what you should do like what a responsible guy would do so what i would do is i would get my gun and i would make it i'd be like hey i'm not gonna kill you i'm getting this so you don't kill me i'm sure that'll work wake up that'll work hey wake up this isn't for you see this this is a gun i'm not gonna kill you sweet dream but i fucking could bitch obviously right now it could go down if i slip but it's not gonna happen fucking destiny yeah it's over for you bitch if i count backwards from 100 if i stub my toe your fucking brains are all over the bed uh was that the right answer this is a black guy loves it that's my cup of tea look at little cracker baby he's doing everything he's supposed to do cracker baby got the vaccine for sure huh it says the reality is leave the firearm untouched told you dude simply picking up the gun is not illegal but introducing a firearm into a domestic debut can be seen as brandishing or felony aggravated assault you're taking it away it's mine you're taking my rights away so it can't be used from you that's the wrong answer no you know what the right lewis had the right answer the right answer is she goes and sleeps on the couch yeah and leaves you in the bedroom you grab her by the throat and you make me a pot of coffee i say you facetime her parents while you have a gun to her head let's make this real fun you go you know what you want to see her alive again go to instagram live watch my instagram live instagram trying to pull viewers you knock her out yeah you punch her in the head knock her out then you take the gun no no no yep it's just a bad look you take the gun and you and you butter on the head that always seems ooh pistol whip was that one of the options you want some of this fucko boom just pistol whip dude pistol whipping your girlfriend is the funniest thing on the planet i'm sorry i'm sorry but if you're karen in the movie your pussy is so wet when your boyfriend goes over and just what what what and pistol whips the guy who just beat you up you're flowing dude a pistol whip your juices are flowing because one you've handled the situation but you spared him dude you yeah and you you don't even shoot him you just fucking sorry babe i just crunched this cockroach oh i never realized as we're talking about pistol whipping i was like that would be the most fun way to to fuck somebody up yeah no no dude no the best fun way for you right now because of your situation is you let them get inside and then when they're walking in you're in the shadows and then that red light appears in his chest you can turn around and walk away it's just or you can stay and die yeah which way would you like your night to go he's holding his dog yeah a cat jumps on his chest oh no or he tells some weird fucking riddle he always tells he goes you know a bullet travels at 36 meters per millisecond so the time it would take for you to turn around a human body turns at exactly all right give me the next scenario do you think you're that fast your best friend is also a licensed gun owner okay no i'm not oh can you guys do a duel i like yeah yeah yeah i hope this ends in the back to back 10 paces i submit this question i figure it out yeah if it's fourth of july you can't right he says he's the fastest but you just learned about trick photography in toronto i don't know if you've ever heard of trick photography I know it's legal every Friday. Correct. We're correct. Do you like that? Double points. Your best friend is a licensed gun owner. They would love to borrow your gun. In which one of the following states can you not lend your gun to your friend? All of them? Texas? Tennessee? Texas you can for sure. Tennessee you can for sure. New Jersey? No. Pennsylvania. New Jersey. Pennsylvania, they're bumblefuck backwoods assholes. New Jersey, you cannot lend your gun to anybody. Nobody can touch your gun. Wait, what if it's your. What? Call the police? That's not one of the options, you psycho. Did you hear that? Oh, I thought there was a call the police situation. Yeah, me too. You heard that. What's going on back there? Did you hear that? What was that? Someone's whole thing, whole pop hole. What was that? They shoved a fry and they popped it open. They're still going. They don't even notice we've. What happened? Tracheotomy problem? What's happening? You guys alright? Why are you guys gargling? Somebody's tracheotomy okay? Why did she say call the police? What's happening right now? No, I think she was saying call the police. No, no, no. By the way, Miss, he literally was going to rob your purse. I said, give me her purse, and he was like, cool, and he grabbed your purse. It was crazy. This is Jordan. She died a few months ago and then came back to life. She had to learn how to walk and everything again. I met her outside, yeah. You died because of Jay? I brought her back to life. Wow, that's beautiful. With your crowd work? Yes! She learned how to walk again. She said if she could learn how to walk, she's going to come see Legion of Skanks. And that's why you guys are here? Wait a minute. For real? They drove 17 hours from Wisconsin. Not impressive. Not impressive. She didn't walk? If she would have walked from Wisconsin, I would be impressed. She would have walked. You're right. Boo! If she would have walked from Wisconsin. Fuck that. That sucked. You know what? I was giving her too much credit for driving here for 17 hours. You should have walked fucking far as gump. G-Mike, am I right? Wow. You're correct. The answer was New Jersey. Wait, how long were you dead? I wasn't like dead for a long time, but when I was unconscious, my leg was backwards. Hold on. Do what I'm doing on my microphone. Do a video. Pull it up, Alex. It took a long time for someone to realize she should have a microphone. I was unconscious for a few days, but my leg was backwards. I shattered my hip, my pelvis, my ankle, my knee. Damn, you fuck good, doggie. Damn, dude. I'll tell you what, though. I've got questions for you. First time back and after, you're like, and I'm going inside. And all the movements shall remain calm and easy. Dude, did her pussy have one of those halos on it? Like a dog collar? The first time I fucked her, well, she was still in the hospital, in the hospital bed. What? The scariest fucking moment. I'm like, am I going to break the pelvis? Yes. I'm going to come loose. Fucking terrifying. So how, you went softly? And did you direct it? Were you like, no, just fucking get it going, dude. Oh. There's just a lady on the other side of the sheet listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Mother's there with her coloscomy badge. She's like, Christ almighty. I had been in the hospital. I was in the hospital for a total of like six or seven months. Dude, did you fuck her? Yeah. Nice job, Louis. Dude, did you fuck her while her leg was backwards? Oh, dude. That's got to be an opportunity. Dude, six or seven months. Of course you got in nut. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, dude. I was like three months in. Wait a minute. How did this happen to you? A drug addict hit me head on on the highway while I was running into my lane. Oh, my God. A car accident. Yeah. Jesus God. And it was a drug addict. Did he get fucked up or no? No. He was totally. Of course. Was it a white drug addict? Yes. Yep. Those are the best kind. We fuck up too. We fuck up too. We fuck up too. Step up, white people. Step up. So, yeah. Not cool. So, you almost died. Or you did die. I went unconscious for like three days. Hot. That's where you get your best work done, sir. I had a blood transfusion done because I had lost a lot of blood and my liver was cut open and my ribs were broken. And I had a really bad TBI. So. You had a UTI? TBI. And the doctor told me I was lucky to be alive. So, it was like. Wow. I was on the line of like just dying on impact, but. I like how Steve and Jay have completely checked out of your death story. I mean, they couldn't give a fuck. I know the story, dude. I know. I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is so terrible. Yeah. He started texting his maid again. What's horrible? They fucked in the hospital. Dude, how close were you to like, honestly, when she was in the hospital, you were like, dude, I almost need to leave. This is too much. Six months of your girl being incapacitated is just too much. And by the way, nurses are hot, too. What'd you say? No, no, no. Are you serious, guy? You won. How much money did you get? Say it! 1.5 million. What? What? What? What? Yeah! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Holy shit! Dude, fucking A, dude. Dude, this guy was able to quit Hot Topic. Literally, literally worth it. You're like White Stedman, dude. You're fucking low. Yeah! All I gotta do is sling dick for the rest of my life. Steve, Steve, literally go push your wife in front of a car. If my wife was worth 1.5 million. And they drove from Wisconsin. Oh, my God. They don't learn. These two don't learn. They don't learn. I mean, come on. I wouldn't be doing this show. I'll tell you that right now. Holy shit, dude. That's awesome. It's your turn, dude. Jump in front of the standby real quick. Come on, dude. Dude, that's awesome. He goes, 1.5 is great. Three. Three would be sick. Nice. Let's go. That's great. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. Well, your legs look great. And she's great. She's doing great. Dude, by the way, nobody that's a millionaire has this many facial piercings. This is insane. Yeah. Well, she also forgot to mention the hospital bill is 2.3, so. I'm sorry. Womp womp. This is such a frustrating story for any person who's black. That she has a story, I was homeless, and then I-- And-- Dude, you fucking got hit by a car. It's a black person's dream. Tracy Morgan got $1 billion. I think he got-- what did he get? $1 billion. No, he got a lot. He got a lot. Not a billion. Tracy Morgan, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. No, he got a wild amount of money. But it was-- Yeah. It was a-- But that wasn't even a drunk driver. I think it was $80 million. He got $90 million. $90? OK, yeah. Yeah. Because Artie got, like, $40. A little off, Steve. Was the guy-- Yeah. And then Harris-- All right. My bad. Harris got $3. I'm fighting for my clients, always. That's only $10 million from a billion. Listen, it's always been a great question. Harris Stanton, in that accident, broke his wrist. Only. A guy died. Harris broke his wrist. Two people were in comas. Harris got $3 million. Worth it? Yes, 100%. A guy dies. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Who? So the three of us are doing a bus tour. We get crashed into. I die. You die. I'm dead. I'm not home. Wait. Kill. Fuck. Marry. And I'm dead. Do I get to fuck the both of them? OK, cool. I'll be there waiting for you. So you're cool with extra money because I'm worth more money than what you-- Do I make more money with you dying? No, no. You are-- Why? Say you are the least on the totem pole. Say the totem pole-- He's the wrist breaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you would not-- like, because you got extra-- you would get extra money because I was dead on the bus. I'm in a coma, keep in mind. It depends. He's in a coma. You're talking fucking numbers? And you're friends in a coma. Dude, is it your gun wrist, though? That's the question. Oh, no. No, your fucking slinger. It's your shooting wrist. You don't know which one he's slinging fucking metal with. You got to learn to go southie, dude. GMI, give us another scenario real quick. We got to get out of here someplace. No, we don't, dude. I'm flying the plane. Here's a quick one. Everything's good. You're in New Jersey. You're legally carrying at a bar. You've had three beers, but you don't feel drunk. Can you still legally carry? No, I don't think you could carry while you're drinking. You never could carry when you drink. Well, when are you going to practice your fucking gun twirling? Yeah, you got to throw something up and shoot it. I mean, you probably have to put it in your cooler before you move it. Dude, if you don't have a holster where you're going to practice- A little play me? You're like- I got my Glock and the igloo. Put the Glock in the fucking- Are you not going to practice fucking twirling into the fucking- In the Yeti? Oh, of course. Of course. Yeah, but you can't do it. Well, you're not going to be good at it unless you practice it, Steve. I can't wait until you Plexiglas Burish your fucking ball bag in a fucking- Because let me tell you, when you try- Pop themself? You try to twirl it, it's different when there's weight in the. What's the part that you put the bullets into? The clip? The chain. When you try to spin it like that, it's different than an empty. Yeah, that's true. So you better practice. So make sure your son's there to spot you. You will hear stories about guys shooting themselves in the dick. My dick isn't big enough to shoot myself in the dick. If I shoot my dick, my dick is gone. I'll tell you what I've never got in movies particularly, the old gun in the back of the fucking belt. It seems like such a place where- No. Something terrible could happen and you could blow your fucking ass off. No, dude. You shoot the gun and it goes straight through your ass cracker. You're like, "Whoop." Yeah, it's like a luge. It's like the Winter Olympics. I used it when I won a bounce fire. You know what? Now that you say it like that, it's not a big deal at all. I was done for bringing it up. What's the next scenario? All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and talk about Blueprint. I just got my package in the mail, which is absolutely incredible. Blueprint is a great, great company. You know aging sucks. We all fear death, especially if you're a baby. Not me, dude. I walk the edge. Nah. Blueprint's founder, Brian Johnson, is trying to live as long as possible, and that's why he created the longevity mix to help out with that. Really incredible, dude. 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bitches sorry once again take ultra.com t-a-k-e-u-l-t-r-a.com use that promo code legion for 15 off all right let's get back into it okay next scenario it's 1 a.m your wife is strangling three of your children oh dude the thunder rolls the thunder rolls she comes home in the middle of the fucking night dude i'm putting two in her and i'm gonna put him in her knees until she tells me who the guy is anyone around her head and then i go find the guy sorry gee my god so how many bullets do you have left is the answer you don't even console the kids for a second the answer is see the thunder rolls it's 1 a.m you look into your backyard and see a man stealing a tv from your pavilion oh how can you see him if it's nighttime because he's smiling he's white joe he's smiling and he's looking for his getaway driver it's the good humor man he's wearing all white he works at johnny rockets yeah he's on his break from johnny rockets so i have my night vision goggles he's giving off heat it's that extra bone yeah it's predator god gee mike it's 1 a.m it's 1 a.m not right now i'm on the plane he's kids he's stealing the tv from your pavilion the pavilion is detached from your house you step outside with the firearm to confront him but he completely ignores you and keep walking keeps walking past i swear to god i thought the question would be do you offer him a warning while you hold your hand over the holster i'm gonna give you two seconds to drop that air conditioner son it's tv oh that tv son you think he's stealing an air conditioner that's crazy what a heavy thing to steal two hundred and fifty dollars oh mr highfalutin over here all of a sudden i'm still confused with the geography of the place are you out am i going around the corner am i outside detached which is important like you're attached from what from the house because that's a big deal because that's not in your house okay yeah you cannot shoot my pergola by the way is attached to the house it counts as my square footage from my house but anyway is this just for jersey this is just jersey you step outside with the fire in texas you're allowed to fucking literally put a hundred holes in him you don't even have to be at home you could just kill someone anyway there's a tv if you do within five miles of the border they call you a hero yeah they actually prefer if you do it yeah yeah if you can get him on that side of the fence they love that no if he's just stealing a tv and doesn't have a weapon i'm not gonna murder him by the way if you why not tv is this how can he carry it himself look at how hard you work to be able to watch television outside you're carrying a 42 inch tv it's like just take it and you're like oh my god i'm gonna kill him they're 135 bucks i don't know now it's the principal i put two in his head there's no final answer dude i put two in his head through the tv but i put a song i put a song on first and i do it through a series of like i keep talking to him and appearing in different places mike you're gonna have to change your jacket gee mike listen it's gonna have to be a television is priced at right now because i got it out i got a year-round outdoor silvox which is honestly god going for about three grand dude are you gonna blow something out of it i'm gonna blow something out of it someone away for 450 i will curb stomp you on my unattached pavilion that is raised and has a step bite the curb motherfucker six inches up curb stomp this fucking prick absolutely i'm saying it now logically but in the moment i'd be so heated that he's taking my belongings and on my property dude dude i'm gonna smell his neck and tell him his fear makes my dick hard i'm gonna say a lot of crazy shit i may never shoot him at all but all these things are gonna be sick about shooting someone i'm gonna say i used to fuck guys like you in prison and then he's gonna go what and i'm gonna go roadhouse and then i'm gonna gun butt him the only reason i wouldn't is because i'd be scared he'd have a gun too and just me dying is not worth i know the answer is always pistol whip if i was you my answer would be at gunpoint rape him if someone's if you have a choice between 385 for television or shooting someone a human being shoot every time their body every time dude yeah let god sort them out i'm gonna super early metallica whatever the price i can't do it dude i can't shoot someone for 385 what about in the leg in the leg i'll but you might hit his dick yeah i'll aim that way but i'm afraid i'm gonna hit him in the heart i'm gonna shoot him in the fucking it's like i'm gonna shoot i'm gonna shoot this is why they love you and then you hang that tv back up and watch a movie with him yeah i gotta suck his dick i'm gonna shoot him in the fucking face and then i'm gonna no i'm gonna carve the first notch in my chest for my first kill that will eventually become a series of four and then one across you just keep have to keep buying tvs yeah yeah yeah i keep buying tvs and announcing people it goes backyard tv party next weekend i sleep heavy and i go to bed early i certainly don't have ring cams so you can't kill him i'm assuming well you step outside to confront him he ignores you and keeps walking past you with your belongings like you don't exist you fire two shots into the air oh dude that's one in the knee you got the fucking dot dude you got the right foot i say you shoot the tv now no one gets it turn the hose on now no one has you happy now i can't watch my shows and you got nothing to take home to your stupid garbage family we both lose from the back door you notice he has a gun oh what do you do shoot him in the dick and then tell him like shoot i'm gonna give you one chance to answer this question then answer him a really cryptic question and then go so close i'm not ready to go into a western shootout over a tv if he's got a gun on my property he's got a gun that's it It's on, baby. You're shooting? Yeah. Your son's in the house. He's leaving already. Okay. No, but now you can't just let a guy with a gun run around your neighborhood. Now he knows I'm a pussy. He's going to be like, all right, I can take anything from this guy. Tomorrow for a microwave. Wouldn't it be funny if this is Lewis' actual test and his answers are wrong? He can't get his gun tomorrow? I'm a cock. I'm not going to be a gun cock. Guys, do not send this podcast to the arms dealer. I'm going to pull my gun on him and I'm going to tell him to put his gun down and kick it away. And then I'm going to put my gun down and pull it. What is this, a fucking movie? Yes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm going to pull out a knife that has finger holes that have spikes on the end of it. And I'm going to handle it that way. This guy is taking a $400 TV. He has nothing to lose. It's a Silvox. It's outdoor all year round. It's got three USB in ports. If it's snowing outside, I can watch TV outside in the snow. It doesn't matter. You can't watch TV if you're fucking dead. I can't watch TV if this piece of shit takes me. I can't watch my TV all because I didn't want to tell him to put his gun down and put my gun down. He's not going to kick the gun to you. It's a Silvox. He'd rather be dead than lose that TV. He knows. I'd rather be dead this year round. This guy's a gun cock. I'm already past the fucking manufacturer's warranty. I have to buy a whole new one. What if the fucking bracket is different and fixes a new series? I can't worry about that. I got to put this guy down. It's over for that guy. It's dead. I thought you got more Texas than this. Yeah, I know. I know. Quit being so liberal. Damn, you're such a libtard. You're right. Blast him in the face. All right, one more scenario, G-Mike. Give us five more. Do you want to know the answer to that one? Oh, there's an answer? Yeah, there's that. Shoot him. I bet the answer is shoot him. I think I'm closest. So what did you say, Lewis? You said? I said if he had a gun, I would definitely shoot him. Shoot him. Dude, don't you dare tell me that's illegal. Shut your. Why do I even have a gun then? The Castle Doctrine allows you to defend your home from intruders with a gun. Yeah. Yeah. However, your pavilion is not covered in the Castle Doctrine. My pavilion is. It's attached to the house. Dude. In this scenario, in this scenario specifically said. I will shoot at his. There goes your silver. Can I just say. I'll shoot at his feet and make him pop lock until he's in my front door. I can't wait. I can't wait. And then when he gets inside, I'm going to fucking. I'm going to fill him up when he gets inside. As soon as he steps across the threshold, I'm going to fill him up. Pull your pants down. I'm filling you up. You're going to get fucked first. I'm going to humiliate you. Look at the ring camera. Look at it. Lewis is watching. This is me breathing. Dude. 2027 body cam footage of you explaining to the cop, I was not on my pavilion. I was in my domicile. I'm telling you, if it's attached to the house, the pavilion counts as part of the house. But go ahead. Is that what you're supposed to do is. Choke him out. If there's not an immediate threat, barricade your side. And barricade yourself inside your house and call the police. And put a tampon in. Not happening. That is not happening. Barricade yourself inside your house. Shave your pussy till the cops are there. Now, okay. I will say there's a difference between a man ignoring it and a man barricading himself. Barricade yourself? What is that even? If you start barricading yourself, I want you to take your gun and shoot yourself in the head with it. Honey. Go up to the top window and yell, nanny, nanny, poop. That's the same. Olly olly oxen free. Ooh, I'm so afraid. I have a gun, G-Mike. Why am I barricading myself? That's fucking insane. Oh, in front of your family? Listen, I always say put one in each knee and then go over and give a fucking dope speech. Well, you're going to win because. You're a professional comedian. Ezekiel 2517. Usually the way I bought this gun, I've been waiting for it to taste blood. These bullets have been ancient. You know, the ancient samurai say, when a man imposes on another man's domicile. Look, Lewis, I don't think you should. You should have a gun tomorrow or we should probably have to talk you through it before you're allowed to take it home. Can I be honest with you? Like a baby. I want you to picture this before you start listening to Steve's crazy fucking mom and dad shit and realize there could be a picture of you with twin desert eagles standing like this right now in the world. That's true. Dude, like Saddam Hussein's kid. And if you really rush the process, you can get it to be transferred between state lines and bring it down to skank fest. That would be fun. That could be cool shit. If I get a chance. Can I conceal a carry? Is New Orleans, is Louisiana one of the states where I could fly with a dude? There will be, I promise you. I think I can. I will have a gun at skank fest. Listen. I'm just making that announcement right now. Well, you're driving. Are you driving? I will have a gun, just so everyone knows. I always have a fucking gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. There will be a legal reason to shoot a person at skank fest. If you can, I will fly in the same flight with you just to document how terrible this process could go. Certain states you could fly, like Texas, Tennessee, Louisiana. You can bring. If you're a legal concealed carry, you could bring your gun with you. You have to give it to the airport. They have to lock it up and check it. Yeah. But you can bring it. Yeah, so I will bring my gun to skank fest. Yo. Oh, thank God. 10-year anniversary of skank fest. Skank fest 10, a justifiable homicide. Yep. That's like three fucking comedy jams. Doggy, let me tell you something. You know how fun it's going to be to be on the Gravitron with my gun like this? Like. Oh, my God, dude. Just shoot in the middle. See if it comes back to you. Yeah. Shoot it off, dude. You're going to. Holy shit. Dude, no way. No way. I'm pointing it at the guy across me. I'm wrestling in the ring. Just take the bullet. See if you do hit the Ferris wheel from it. And timing it. And. Bang it. Ping. Damn. All right, G-Mike, one more. Well, I have this. Do you think you could name the parts of the gun? Or do you know how many parts you can name? Yeah, I can name them all. B is the part you put in the ass. Oh, there's the shooty part. All right, all right. Ready? All right, let's see what I can name. A. A is pointing to B. Good. Yeah, why is it twisted? That's AI horseshit. It's like every test I've had in. That's crazy. Did you hide. I'm good at these. There's two A's. Just do the first A and then the B alone. Not only is there two A's. No, no, no. It's already illegal. I know. There's two A's. I know. Dude, Mike, are you going crazy? It's two A's, bro. It's two A's. How do you fucking put this together? Yeah, listen to me. It's saying Lewis needs AA. Mike, did you hide the bottom one with the arrow there? Because the answer is N-word beater? Oh, my God. Oh, it's L. Okay, never mind. It's there. It's probably not that there. Yeah, the two A's. If it's on the chart, it's probably not that. Lewis. A is the barrel. Hold on. Can you name me the two A's? Just each A. Well, the A doesn't make it. It's pointing to B. No, the first A, this is just bad AI. B is iron sight. The A is the barrel. Dude, A minor is the last thing you see before I put one in you, dude. I thought A was the tip. No, A is. And I know you're shining down on me from heaven. Oh, and fucking E is the. And F is the. What's C? What's C? Yeah, yeah. E is the. Yeah. And then K is the. Oh, fuck. I think E is the sight, isn't it? J is the pussy part. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, I don't know if I want to do this. And then I is your fucking date with destiny. What the fuck? Don't sneak up on me like that, Serena Paul. Don't you know Lewis has a gun now that I will borrow illegally? That's fine. Are we going to talk about this lady killing her kids? Because I don't know much about it. I think H is the safety. Steve has to leave in a couple minutes. Oh, shit. That's right. Steve does have to catch a plane. No, dude. No, we're fine, dude. We're fine. If you're drunk, your wife's going to miss her flight to France and she's going to kill you. And that's her problem. Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. I don't know if you saw European Vacation, but all the footage is microwave bullshit anyway. All right, real quick. Let's talk about Lindsay Clancy real quick. I don't know much on the story. You guys told me in the meeting about the story. I don't know how you cover this story real quick, Lewis. Let's just freeze by it. It's a woman who killed three of her children. Okay. Well, there you go. I think we can wrap it up pretty quick. Yeah. Is this the last question of the gun quiz? What did they do? Well, she was on, I guess she had postpartum depression. She was on a bunch of medications. The doctors kept on giving her different medications. And then she went crazy one night and strangled her three children. All three? Slit her wrists, slit her own throat, threw herself out a window. And Kim still is blaming the husband. I swear to God. No, that's not true. She said to me, she's like, it could be the husband. I did not say that. You're misquoting me. What did you say? You said there's a lot of stupid bitches that believe it was the husband. And I said, anything. Anything is possible. Well, my wife on the way here gave me a fucking litany of facts about what the husband may have made. He was seen, whatever, dude. But I'm just saying. I love your wife. I would have not given my opinions on her right now. I'm telling you right now, dude. I'm like, this is the worst. I love that she tried everything. She slit her wrists and her throat. She drank bleach. And she said she doesn't remember it. She goes, I don't remember doing any of it. She home-aloned herself out the window trying to get herself out. She hit herself in the head with a paint can. And she fucking didn't die. She put a tarantula on herself. She slipped on a beach. She put a banana peel. She didn't die. Oh, Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof. Woof. That was the day we found out this lady's unbreakable. Yeah. Just leave the baby on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. This psycho who almost killed her kids is our only hope for humanity. Explain this story, though, because people don't know what the fuck's going on. I mean, that's right. So the reason people are getting behind her are a bunch of women. Because there's a bunch of women like showing up. Because we know she fucks, dude. Three kids? Yeah. No, women are getting behind her. Raw dog. Oh, women are getting behind her? Yes. Including my wife. Oh, man. Women are such sluts. I miss the 80s. I know. No, women are getting behind her because they were like, oh, well, you don't understand. Like, they, you know, she was, they gave her all these medications and then it made her crazy. And there's, it's just like, I don't care. Like, if you murder your children, you're crazy. That's fine. You should also be killed. Fuck you. Well. Anybody who murders their children is a. Now, dude, three's a lot. Three's a lot. I agree. I have a TikTok compilation of people defending her, if you want to watch that. Oh, let's see. Please. It's me. It's my TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. Where are my wife? - Nice face down. - Hey, hey. - People are definitely talking about a cream pie this chick. I got a lip full on the way here. And another thing about this Lindsay Clancy case that is bringing up the rage within me that is like generational at this point is the fucking men who think that they can. She looks like if she had a baby she'd be strangling it right now. Yeah. You know what? I gotta be honest with you. However this case turns out and I know as much as we've talked about right now, I don't know why you'd want to be on the side of history that was kind of like, so just leave her alone, dude. She killed her kid. She's bummed. She's fucking bummed about it. Like she's fucking gone through it, dude. She has to live with the fact she strangled her kids and then slit her wrists and fucking drank bleach and jumped out the fucking thing and rode a unicycle through underneath the monster truck and then did a backflip on a fucking terrifying. Also, when you started. A piano dropped on her head. It was a piano, an anvil. At the end of the whole thing an omelet was made. Yeah. She ran off a cliff and held up a sign that said, uh-oh. Yeah, yeah. Then she ran off a cliff and then looked down and realized there was no ground. Hey, hold on. Hold on, Mike. You made this. You made this montage, right? Yeah. Let me guess. There's no black women in it, right? Yeah, okay. That's what I thought. Keep it going. Let's see. Wait, hold on. Also, it's. You know the clip's bad when they start with like those like the words like generational rage? Yeah. It's like, what? Oh, my God. I know the clip's gonna be bad but I can already tell that her apartment's the wire management for her television is gonna fucking drive me nuts. Yep. Yeah, totally. So I don't know I don't respect her because she's some fucking dumb bitch who doesn't care. That's no Silva. And the choker makes me sink. No, that's not a Silvox. No, that's not a Silvox all year round outside. That's definitely an inside. No one's stealing that. But also, can you see how small that TV is to the space it's in? That's outlandish. She shouldn't be able to have opinions. She shouldn't be able to have any opinions. Lewis couldn't even shoot her if she was walking away from his house with that TV. Generational at this point is the fucking men who think that they can come in here and take up fucking space and speak on things they don't fucking know anything about. You don't need to learn when to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. Thank you. TikTokers are posting reenactment pictures. No. This is the new TikTok challenge? Hey, Jordan, you're a millionaire now. Can you guys get pregnant and kill a kid? See if it's a thing, a big thing? Hold on, I want to hear this guy. What are they saying? If someone comes up and fucks her? The first woman was hanging out of her two-story window after putting blue dish soap on her wrist to see if she could to show where the stain should have been if Lindsay opened it. Wow, get a fucking job. You have no idea what fucking postpartum depression is. Calling it baby blues? You motherfuckers. Just admit that not every fucking room wants the nails. I don't like that she's pointing to her. Yeah, she's aggressive as fuck. And let me tell you one more thing. I want Holyfield. Yeah, I know, yeah. I'll tell you this. You're going to tell a woman that she can't murder her own children that came out of her pussy? Fuck you. Fuck you. Stay out of my pussy. Who's she, Mean Gene? Yes, calm down, Big John Studd. Yeah. And another thing. Actually hear your fucking opinion. Let the women cook. My new vetting process. No, that's the point. We want the women to be cooking instead of murdering the babies. That's the whole thing we're saying right now. Just cook. Hey, how about don't strangle the kids and make fucking turkey burgers? Give me a sandwich. All right, this chick's toyed though. Your fucking opinion. Let the women cook. My new vetting process for if I want to date a man. Okay. First date question I'm always going to be asking him is do you think that would if I kill our kids? Sorry, go ahead. I'll tell you what. If her and the other one who killed the kids did a scissor video on my fans, that would be fucking $15.99 a month, ladies and gentlemen. That's big fucking cash. Now, if she strangled your kids, are you as mad? She's pretty. She's very pretty. I want to see what her standard is. Go ahead. If she strangles James to death, her gist is pretty good. If she goes to jail for what she did. And if that man says yes, I'm getting up and walking out right then and there. Wow. All right. Oh, we stand with Lindsay Clancy. Say her name. No. Wow. Whites. What if that mom just killed that kid right there too? I'm sorry, but the conspiracy theories you guys are creating. No way. She just a fast car. Fast enough to take a fly away. That's so funny. Jesus. Oh my God. I'm sorry, but the conspiracy theories you guys are creating around this lady who killed her three children. You niggas are stupid. I hate you niggas. Excuse me, ma'am. First of all, I loved him in Oz in the wheelchair. He was great, dude. And Lost as well. He also played Mercutio in the Romeo and Juliet movie. His name is Harold Perrineau. And remember when we were driving, driving into your car. Oh, much. Stop thinking about these kids as people and think about them as ceramic vases for just one second. Ceramic vases? Okay. Unbelievable. What? In this day and age. And before the pick-me's come for me, you also shut the fuck up. This bitch is aggressive. I kind of want to have sex with her. I'll tell you the problem, though. Here's the problem. She confidently shaves her pussies bald and her pussies like fucking, it's like got a fat over it. She got a fat, yeah, like a full, a full puss type. Yeah, it's like tucked away, but it's because there's a lot of fat around it. It would be a beefer if she lost weight, but it's hidden because of the caverns. It's like her belly doesn't even look that big, but then it's like another belly. It envelops. Yeah, it envelops the pubic skin. Yeah, and then just like weird like cartoon lips protrude out from the bottom. And she doesn't even know she's got a disgusting puss. By the way, I'm saying this is a guy who's fucked this chick 17 times over. Hundreds of times. This type of chick. This type of, yeah, it's not her, particularly, but like, you know, and thank you. The her of fucking, you know, New Orleans or whatever. Tennessee. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for your service. You came through big. You made me feel always feel like you were excited to fuck me. Yeah, I needed that that night. Pick me's and men have the right to remain silent because we don't fucking care about your goddamn opinion. Shut up and let us fix the problem like we always fucking do. So imagine that Lindsay is in a museum and she's like, she is a person with epilepsy. You are never going to make me hate Lindsay Clancy. Whoa. Well, you know what? This girl's brain's big enough. I'm willing to hear her thoughts. How could you not? They're so big. It's growing out of her head. Jesus Christ. Was she holding on to electricity for too long? Wait a minute. If she's here, if she's here, who's playing Roger from American Ted? Show me what you've got. I could see skin over the make. I'm seeing skin over the make. Whoa. Goddamn, dude. She looks like fucking Mask. Yeah. Rocky Dennis head. Yeah, she looks like young Frankenstein. Hi, Gore. You know what she looks like? The Prometheus people. The very first people made by aliens. Why make me hate Lindsay Clancy? You're just not. I know better than anyone that the government would rather prosecute mothers than ensure they're adequately supported. What? She know more than anyone. Absolutely. That's crazy. But here's the thing, though. She's not a mother anymore. That's true. That's true. Technically. That's great. That's an excellent point. Excellent point. Well, anyway, I mean, I can't. I mean, I do understand. I'm sympathetic. Like, it is sad that she went crazy and killed her kids. But, you know, you put those people in the electric chair, it never happens again. That's sad. Well, apparently. Well, I think the argument is whether people are saying she didn't do it. No, no, no. Nobody's really saying she didn't do it. That's what these people are saying. Yes, these people are saying, listen, I got it all from my wife on the way here. Apparently, the husband went to CVS and he was seen taking gloves off and blah, blah, blah. Right. And it was 32 minutes. By the way, she strangled him with gym equipment. Yeah. Nice. Like a exercise fucking band. Yeah, but it was like a band, which is chick shit. Yeah, she didn't. Like, Chris Benoit used heavy fucking actual man equipment. He used weights. She used like, yeah, exactly. Chris Benoit killed his family like a man. And he got the job done and killed himself like a man. Like a fucking man, dude. Like a man, yeah. The trial isn't whether or not she did it. The trial is whether or not she was under psychosis when she murdered her children. I know, but I'm saying the TikTok trial is whether she did it. She admits she did it. The prosecution says she did it. The defense says she did it. The husband says she did it. She says she did it. Everyone says she did it except for dumb bitches on TikTok. I know, but speaking from one of those dumb ladies, it's my wife. No, no, not your wife. All the other ones. Yeah, I know, but it's so hard. I have to do this. Apparently, everyone's on her side. They were like, the mother-in-law's like, she was completely normal until the day she fucking drove the kids into a fuck and killed them. And so, it was like she had been speaking out for like mental health, blah, blah, blah. The mother-in-law is always going to be on the side because now Thanksgiving is cheaper. That's true. She was hospitalized psychiatrically 19 days before she killed her children. Okay. Yeah. She was like, hey, dude. She was in the hospital for seven months. She didn't fucking murder her children. She got a cool 1.5 and she's living life like a fucking queen. That's the way you handle the hospital. Can I tell you something? I can't argue with that. That hot chick that killed her children is so crazy. I bet full bush. Your Honor. That kind of bonkers isn't shaving. Your Honor, I cannot argue with that fact. That's a tough fact to argue with. She had probably a full bush. My prosecution actually rests. Look, she. Oh, dude. Box all day. - Yeah. - Excellent. By the way, she's begging to die. Really? Yes. She's like, you got to kill me, dude. Just give it to her. Yeah, exactly. Kill this bitch. Kill her. What are we even talking about? They won't. She's asked. She's like, I don't know what to do. I can't live anymore. I killed my kids. It's over. Yeah, yeah. Kill me. So, yeah, kill her. They won't. But what about that fat pig on TikTok? Should we do it? Let's get your gun. Guys, I have a gun. Now, look, she's a psycho, and she should be put to death. What? But what about, you don't know. You don't understand. Postpartum? You don't understand postpartum. G, Mike, can I ask one more time? The final thing is the family does have a GoFundMe right now, if anyone wants to donate to it. It has over a million dollars. To who? One million dollars? Wait, to who is the donation going to? To her, dude. She jumped out a window and lived. Give her some bucks. That's for her? Whoa, it's people who sit around her? Steve's wife anonymously gave $5,000. See the lady in the white T-shirt up top? That's extra Clorox. Because my wife's like, fuck, you're a peasant. That's her, right up there. That's her wife. Dude, she literally, from exit 50 to exit. Oh, my. Yeah, 38. She's like, and when you talk about it, just know the facts. This and that. I'm like, I don't give a fuck about any of the facts. Me either. You know what? I really have a thing. I love talking about it, but also, let her out scot-free, kill her tomorrow. What, is she going to wheel away and kill again? Yeah, what if one of those, even if one of those kids sucked? What are you going to do? That's true. Yeah, good riddance. One of those kids might have been the next Hitler. What if one of those kids was just a serial. How about one of those kids was just a serial killer and five people would have died, but those three had to die, one a serial killer, and the other two just like, you know, whatever, stuff, fucking, you know, worked at a mall. Is that okay? Would you sacrifice those three for the five that would have died from the serial killer? Your son ends up being, like, look, dude, we know the writing's on the wall. This is bad news. I told you that in private, but yeah, okay. You and Sarah talk. He's been watching you sleep. You and Sarah talk about it. Maybe there's disagreement between the two of you. Do you go, I got to end this? I feel like if my wife killed my kid, I would kill her. Right, you would kill your wife. Yeah. And live with your son. No, the son's dead. Yeah, you have freedom. Complete freedom now. If she killed my kid, I would have to kill her. No, I'm asking, what would you do? Would you kill your kid? I wouldn't kill my kid. I don't want to show it, but I mean. What if he was really. Yeah, like, what if he was, like. What if he was talking crazy shit? Yeah, like, crazy shit. I don't know. What if your kid was in your backyard in the pavilion taking the TV? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And it's a silvop. And it's a silvop. Which is upwards of, like, three fucking grand. I'm not trying to make this easy on you, dude. Yeah, yeah. This is hard. You just let him walk away. And you saw a gun in his diaper. Yeah. And he's like, hey, and by the way, if I come back, I might kill mom. Oh, yeah. And you know he's smoking grass. He lifts his bluey shirt and just. He's like, what'd you say, bitch, ass, glasses, motherfucker, what? Oh, dude, then he takes a mop and fucking dips it in the pool and starts mopping all your floors. This kid sucks. This kid's the fucking worst. He's gotta go. I'll scrub the deck. All right, well, there you go. Fucking such a super fun show. How about that for our amazing guest, Joe List Mike Fanoia Kim Congdon We'll catch you guys later this week on the Friday Night Hang. Until then, everybody, next time, peace. Peace. You've been listening to the Legion of Skanks podcast with Big Jay Oakerson. Did you suck it? I think I would instinctually suck it. Thick with three Cs. You must be fucking over, Lewis. Lewis Gomez. Lewis J. Gomez, you motherfucker. Hmm, Lewis J. Gomez. You ever try to watch a retard draw a swastika? It's hilarious. I'm sort of known as a point guard of podcasting. Being a fat gay guy is so fucking awesome. And comedian Steve Ranazzisi. The Legion of Skanks podcast. The Legion of Skanks podcast is available on iTunes, Apple Podcasts, and Google Play.