102. Joe DeRosa, Sam Tripoli, Lauren Compton | Betrayal

Before we start the show, Story Warriors, you should know that me and Big Jay Oakerson are coming to you on the road. I am on the ride on me this tour, coming to a city near you. This weekend, I will be in Denver Comedy Works South, July 24th and 25th. First time going to the Comedy Works, so let's fill that up. After that, I have Lafayette, Louisiana, Lake Charles, Louisiana, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Portland, Maine, and more. Go to my website, lewisofskanks.com to grab tickets. And you can go to bigjaycomedy.com for my tour dates. I am currently on the Greatest Yapper Alive Tour. Winnipeg, Canada for the Great Outdoors Festival. Richmond, Virginia, Funny Bone. After that, Royal Oak, Michigan, Comedy Castle. First time back there in years. Albany, New York, Funny Bone. Check me out, bigjaycomedy.com. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, live. Live from the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, it's Story Wars with the Story Warriors. Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis Jay Gomez. Lewis, sit down. You've already broken so many things backstage. Just hearts. Yeah. What up, Austin? How you guys feeling? Show number two. Show number two sold out right here at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas. How exciting is this, Jay? This is very, very fucking exciting. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Stupid. Stupid pieces of shit. What a fucking asshole. We don't like new things. We're fans. We'll never grow. Well, it's a very simple game. If you've never seen it before, it's your first time listening at home. We'll explain it after we get our amazing panel of contestants up here. Now, are you guys ready for your contestants? Our first guest coming to the stage, you know her from the First Dates with Lauren Compton podcast on the YMH Network. Make some noise for the lovely Lauren Compton. So happy to have you on the show. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. You look way fatter in person than you do on the show. No. Babies having babies. I feel fat. No, you look great. You're a very hot pregnant woman. I really am into this. This is the Latino side of me. I'm like rock hard right now. I'm not even kidding about this. I think I can fit in your sweatshirts now, Jay. Yes. Finally. That's going to look pretty hot. Our next competitor coming to the stage, a returning story war competitor. You guys know him from the Tinfoil Hat podcast. And he's filming a special this weekend for Gas Digital. Clap it up for Sam Tripoli. What up, everybody? Sam, happy to have you back on the show. Last time, you had an embarrassing performance. You weren't able to win. I should have won. Yeah. I'm just going to go with Lewis is the story every time. If it involves stealing or homosexuality, I'm just going to assume it's Lewis. Yeah, that's what I do. And I've failed a lot. But once in a while, the gay thing is Lewis. Last but not least, our final contestant, everyone. You know him from his special, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden, available on YouTube. And his new podcast. How about it? For the vile, horrendous Joe DeRosa! Very nice. Joe DeRosa. I love you. That was very nice. I can't believe I almost canceled this at the last minute. You really did. Joe was doing the show, then not doing the show, then doing the show, then not doing the show. Well, Lewis, you bother me. Someone's got to draw a line. I'm happy to be here. Thanks. This is awesome. Yeah. This is awesome. And I'll say, we've been doing this. When we were in places like Austin, we were in Los Angeles last week for the Netflix is a Joke Festival. We do this all over the world. We do it at comedy festivals. And once in a while, we go to a place. We go to a place where we have a lot of friends in town, and everyone loves doing story wars. So we're going to bring up a very special guest narrator for today's show. Ladies and gentlemen, also filming a half-hour special this weekend. You guys know him from the Tim Butterly Show. Put your hands together for Tim Butterly! Tim Butterly, Tim Butterly, Tim Butterly, Tim Butterly. It is your first time listening at home or your first time here at the show. It's a very simple game, Story Wars. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Betrayal. Ooh. I still don't know. I still don't know. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time. They will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Well, it's Tim reading the stories. He's very offended you called them Alex. Still lovely and vivacious. Like, I can take a hint, dude. I want you here. Every time he gets the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool the person on the panel, you get one point. So when it is your story up there, that is a huge opportunity. You do not want to squander it. You can get four points when it's your story. Once you put your answer in the tablet and slide over the slider and put that tablet in this little thing right here, that is your final answer. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now. We're going to have so much fun tonight. Anybody who was at the earlier show, you guys had a lot of fun, right? If you watch the show, we're going to have a lot of fun. Sir, you don't even know what you're in for. It's going to be so much fun. But guess what, sir? We're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. Fun can suck our dicks. It's not about that. Fuck fun. Fuck fun. This week's winner takes home Dallas 1963 by Bill Minutaglio and Stephen L. Davis. Those old cats. Dallas 1963 presents a clear story. Cinematic and revelatory look at the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. The shocking tragedy that transformed America. Countless authors have attempted to explain the assassination, but no one has ever bothered to explain Dallas until now. So dramatic. It's Dallas 19. 1963, man. There was a real betrayal in that thing, too. God damn right. Yeah, there we go. That's the theme, baby. That's the theme of the show. I think everybody who gets it is going to get it. And if you don't get it, you'll figure it out along the way. Is this crowd ready for war? Austin, Texas, Comedy Mothership, are you ready for war? Now, without any further ado. Tim, story number one. Story number one. Who's that bitch? Pipe down. Men are talking. Jay! She made it very clear. She said, I'm going to say story number whatever. And then you read. You just fucked up the entire flow. We had Tony as a guest narrator in the last one. And we were like, Alex, story number one. He's like, story number one. I'm going to say it. It's my turn to say it. Fucking fuck bitches. Get money, Tony Hinchcliffe. This is, by the way, this is very complicated, the whole thing. The only reason it's funny is backstage, Lauren was asking Lewis questions. And he goes, it's the easiest podcast you'll ever do. And then rattled off 10 minutes of rules. Don't worry. In the event of a three-way tie, we bring in a separate story order for one round only. Alex must announce the story. Now, if the game's taking place on a Tuesday in August, then that's different. Well, you're not going to worry about it tonight. But if we don't have order, we have chaos. This is going to be so easy, Lauren. Even a pregnant woman can do it. God, she's so hot. You're going to want to fuck around up there, but please observe decorum. Lauren has the easiest podcast. All you have to do is sit there and try not to get a boner for an hour. You got to sit there and pretend a woman is interesting and funny. Ha, ha, ha. I try to finish early, then we get down to the nitty gritty. I go, now, what were you asking me about again? All right. Alex? Stop creeping, Lillis. She's hot. She's pregnant. She takes cum. Well, so does Joe, but you're leaving him alone. Hey. Hey. Story number one. At my first job, I had a manager with a really bad stutter. One day, my friend and I were on phone duty and answered the phone repeatedly mimicking him. He could see and hear us and knew what we were doing. We were laughing so hard we almost got fired, but it was worth it. It was a betrayal. Betrayal. They got the word betrayal in, so it counts. He took his face off. My first job, I was 11 years old. Okay. I'm just letting you know, it couldn't be me. I was 11 years old. I was selling newspapers. I was selling bananas on the highway. My manager was me madre. Drug dealing isn't a first job, by the way. My first job, I sold newspaper subscriptions for The Rock. journal news it's in my book knives and spoons so everyone knows this is not me great great coaster everybody great coaster yeah what was your first job tripoli what oh really i paper paper boy paper boy yeah and then when i got a job when i my dad was like when you're when you turn 50 when you turn 60 you're stuttering during this story this is crazy god damn that was crazy that was crazy you all right i have a stutter leave me alone oh so what what was your first job i can't tell you it's gonna take him all night yeah we got jobs to get to tomorrow let's go lord what was your first job i don't work this can't possibly be me yeah a manager no i believe her yeah me too me fucking too lauren also doesn't seem like the make fun of a stutter type yeah i think it's you me yeah because i don't believe your first job was selling newspapers i believe that was the first job of whoever wrote that fucking book for you gooish jay lopez big jay your first job was i believe at a uh you were like babysitting your brothers and sisters and you worked at a video store though no no i worked at a video store i worked at a video store what'd you work at a cd store cd store that wasn't my first job i had i don't know i really i guess my first uptake was paper boy yeah but i just used to throw the papers out and then i got in trouble you if you take the job you have to deliver them they find out people complain if they don't get it they want them it's not just a stupid thing like i thought it was like i go who wants the newspaper what do you have fucking parrots in your house what the fuck are your newspaper for you wanted that thing yeah you fucking dweeb you know it's all boring shit right if you go to the woods there's pornos that's why i got all my porn man yeah i feel like this could be joe why do you say that because mimicking someone with a stutter is so childish why would you say that i've been nothing but sweet to you as far as you go you know no this is not me uh i never did phone duty i don't i mean this sounds like an office or something i'm gonna go joe i'm between joe and sam i still i'm going lewis i think it's lewis you have to slide the slider over after you choose the name i'm going joe too are we supposed to say who yeah you are yeah yeah i'm getting a joe de rosa vibe as well why is the air conditioning going so hard up here it's blowing our papers around what is the game this is the coldest comedy club i've ever been to dude every comedian in here is shooting testosterone before they hit this stage we need the air cracked in this place right now these guys either the ac's on 66 or they have to have a guy with a dart gun on the side of the stage i mean i feel like the the wetness of my eyes freezing over this is crazy i'm getting a cold my nipples are hurting in my shirt tim drooled on you when he was coming over and it was a sick oh man can you turn up a little bit more on lauren's side please i'm feeling sexually harassed i've been all day yeah give me all the air i think it's joe de rosa this feels great i'm getting a joe vibe too joe's a joe's a mean guy he makes fun of people right he was like what's phone duty that's a fucking lie fuck you what's phone duty is a crazy thing to say he was confused someone explained those very obvious words to me i mean guys we have papers that are blowing everywhere can we just turn the air off right here i can't keep my papers down i have to put weights on them we're inside we're in texas alex all of our answers are in who's sorry my story number one story number one belongs to joe de rosa i'm sorry dude i know i know it was little caesar's pizza and my manager it wasn't really a stutter it was this weird tick where before he would talk he would go like that ah the best kind yeah with a big a lot of face ticks yeah and he was a real dickhead because i was 14 when i worked there and he would make fun of me for sticking with me and i was like oh my god i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry still being a virgin at 14. wait a minute joe do you think he do you think he stuttered because he said it was pizza pizza lewis lewis lewis but yeah he was a dick he would mock me with the other manager for being a virgin and then like this is how we got our you showed him yeah dude now he bangs trans we crushed his soul that day we crushed his soul that day we crushed his soul that day we crushed his soul because we would pick the phone up and go little caesar's pizza over and over that's why you guys are still virgins yeah what's that you want pepperoni we were laughing so hard and he was devastated and i was like i got you back you fuck and i lost my virginity 10 years later you showed his ass that guy already hung himself from being a fucking little caesar's guy a manager took himself very seriously where are points at all right in last place with zero points joe de rosa okay it's okay and tied for first place with two points each lewis j gomez big j okerson sam tripoli and lauren compton alex story number two tim tim this person wasn't even attractive okay lewis one of my best friends betrayed my trust by hooking up with a person i had feelings for shut the fuck up this person wasn't even attractive okay lewis there was no need for it i already know who it is you think i i hooked up with somebody's you think my friend hooked up with my girl i'll tell you what gives it away what gives it away is the word attractive and it's lauren that's why because guys wouldn't care if they're attractive they just want to fuck at that point right i think that's what it's saying that's what it's saying the person wasn't well i mean that's what i'm saying they wouldn't even care whether they're attractive or not attractive only a girl would say he's attractive or he's not attractive yeah i agree you can hear lauren saying it you can hear lauren going this person wasn't even attractive yeah 100 percent 100 percent that was the easiest one ever yeah i'm positive it's so you think oh my god it's gonna be so gay when you find out it's not so we're already gay so who cares i don't think somebody's cheating on lauren for one of her guys are dogs though yeah girls do that girls show up and they dibby like i want him him him so she's like i want that guy he's not even hot but he smells nice right and then Her friend's like, fuck you, and went and banged him in the closet. I'm telling you, that's the 100% Lauren. The guys would never say, and he wasn't even attractive. I mean, it could be Joe again. It could be two in a row. I can see Joe being cheated on. Well, it's not cheating. It's just, it's not cheating. Oh, I had feelings for you. Yeah. Can you imagine Joe having feelings for a person? But no one thinks it's odd that straight out of the gate, he's going to come in denying that it's, I don't know. Look at you, you liar. This is a big denial right here. No, no, this is. You should see who I've had sex with. It doesn't matter how they look. This is Lauren. Even the person I had feelings for. The guy would say somebody I like. I feel framed. I'm being framed. That was so cute. That's actually, hold on. That's the best point that I've heard so far is the words had feelings for. That's a womanly way to describe something. And that's why I think it's Joe DeRosa. I got to be honest with you. Yeah. Because we all know that Joe doesn't do relationships. He only gets into situationships with people he has feelings for. I think the lady protests too much. That's what I think. I agree. I agree. I am shocked. You're squirming over there. I am shocked. You are so cute. Okay. I'm trying to believe it's not Lauren so I can steal some points. Joe. I'm getting Lauren vibes as well. But it could be two Joe stories in a row. This is Joe and Lauren. That never happens. Yeah. So last game, Jay had zero stories. Shut up. You can get zero stories. You can get two in a row. We've had three in a row before. Shut up, bitch. You getting Jay vibes? Yeah, Jay's being, I've never seen Jay be this quiet on the show. And Jay. I think Wigger Jay was sensitive back in the day. So it's definitely possible. He was. Yeah. He was. Jay was sensitive. He wasn't afraid to cry. His black tears. Hold on. Let me say this. This person wasn't even attractive. Jay would do that. And then there was no need for it is a very Jay button on a story. Big Jay is my final answer. It's also a Joe button. No. Well. No. No. You said me. I said you. I'm reading. I've been wrong about this kind of thing before, but sometimes you read a story and you see something in there where you're like, why do I know this? And it's because in early dating or early dating and me and Lewis's early friendship. He had a girl that was his friend that would come hang out a lot. And she, she also enjoyed guitar hero. Oh, yeah. Katie. Oh, yeah. This is such a moment right here. We have this story. This is what Jay's saying. We actually have this story together. Lewis. I went back to her place with night and play guitar hero. And I. Yeah. I ate her pussy. So what? I didn't know her and Lewis had any history at all. To be honest with you, this girl was not very attractive. There was no need for it. Now, I was. I wasn't going to say that. But I know how Lewis would say it. Boom. All right. Alex, whose story was story number two? Story number two belongs to Lewis Jay Gomez. And it's exactly that story, you fucking piece of shit. She didn't even suck your dick. You ate her ugly pussy. It was insane. Why would you do that to me? And I'll be honest. I looked up to you so much. I created weirdness for 15 years. And I'll be honest with you. By the looks of it, she wasn't prepared for it to have company that night. So just know it was lust. Why am I talking? It's your story. But I didn't know. I thought it was Lewis's friend. You knew. She's the piece of shit. She is a piece of shit. Hair turkey. Yeah, hair turkey. Fuck that slut. Fuck that slut. Fuck that slut. Fuck that slut. Also, so you guys know, if you guys know any of the Legion of Skanks lore, this is the same girl that when we went to go see the UFC in Philly, and the guys we were arguing with, it was like, yo, fuck your fat girlfriend. We all just ignored it. That was the girl. Well, we were all going like, well, Lewis, I mean, that's kind of the thing. And then I was going, well, really? DJ really used to be defending her. I think we did. You fucking piece of shit. You fucking ate her pussy earlier than I've done something. Oh, you betrayed my trust. Betrayal. It's not betrayal. I didn't know. Betrayal you knew. We're a point down, Alex. All right. In last place with zero points, Joe DeRosa. Fucking eat me. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Tied for third place with two points each. Sam Tripoli and Lauren Compton. In second place with four points, Big Jay Oakerson. And in first place with five points, Louis J. Gomez. All right, folks. Let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. Ridge Wallet is the last. Last wallet you're ever going to need in your entire life. Really cool wallets. This is the only wallet that I'll ever use for the rest of my life. Over 50 colors and styles and high quality materials like titanium, leather, and carbon fiber. Really, really cool. I mean, it's a slim front pocket wallet. You put your cards right in it. You can do a money clip style. You can do the band styles while you have the band one. I rarely have cash, but it is great when you do have cash. But really, really cool. This is a great gift for anybody in your life. They also, every wallet comes with RF. RFID blocking technology. I know. I've been trying to steal Louis' identity. A 99-day risk-free trial and a lifetime warranty. We've been using the wallets for years, but now they also have key cases, rings, and portable chargers. They even make waterproof luggage and backpacks. They make quality products with everything they do. Make sure you check them out. And for a limited time, Story Warriors get 10% off at Ridge by using the code WARS with a Z at checkout. W-A-R-Z. Just head to Ridge.com. Use that code WARS. And you're all set. All right, folks. Let's take a quick moment and thank Shopify supporting the show. I love Shopify. I use Shopify for Body Brain Coffee. Everyone knows that. And it really just makes it easy. If you are trying to run a business, it's really hard to do everything from running a website to an e-commerce platform. And Shopify gives you all the tools that you need every step of the way. I have the app right on my phone. You'll hear it all the time. Jay, you hear that little cha-ching? That's my Shopify. Every time I get a sale, I get notified, which is the most fun part of the app, in my opinion. But they have tools that help you. Oh, my God. The USB Rich. I've heard that dingo. I've heard that dingo off like three, four times already in the last few months. Is that one sale every time? One sale every time. Oof. So Shopify has easy-to-use tools to help your business grow. You can customize your brand in the Shopify design studio as well. You could run social media campaigns, email campaigns, everything you need all in one place to make your business run smoother. I genuinely use this. I'm not bullshitting. And they also have 24-7 customer service, which is pretty incredible. So it's time to turn those what-ifs. into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash wars with a Z. That's Shopify.com slash wars with a Z. Once again, Shopify.com slash W-A-R-Z. Okay, Story Warriors. Let's thank Factor Meals for supporting the show. I'll tell you right now. Look, I'm not a great cook. I do an okay job, but I don't have the time, energy. I don't have any of that to go and figure out how to make really amazing quality meals. I'm trying to eat something that's really great and delicious. Factor comes in so handy. They're designed by dieticians and prepared by real chefs. There's no planning, no cooking, and they're ready in just two minutes. Jay, they have a brand new menu all the time. They change the menu options. You never get bored of it. And no matter what your dietary restrictions are, they have you covered. Oh, yeah. I've been using Factor for years. I have no time. We always get home late, even in the days that we are in town. And often, you know, you can't just keep ordering out. It'll be so unhealthy for you. Factor Meals aren't expensive, and they're delicious. I mean, perfect. Perfect-sized portions. They're not small. Not small portions at all. And it's just quality, quality products. And you feel like you didn't do something so shitty for yourself. Head over to factormeals.com slash wars50off. That's W-A-R-Z-5-0-O-F-F. So it's factormeals.com slash wars50off and use code wars50off to get 50% off. And you get a free Daily Greens per box. New subscriptions only while supplies last until September 27, 2026. See website for more details. Let's get back to it. Tim, story number three. Story number three. The first time I met an openly gay man was in high school. We were all smoking pot, and he deep-throated the bomb. Everyone was high and just sat in silence. This is Butterly. - No! How is this a betrayal? Where's the betrayal in this story? That guy just sprung it on him that he's gay by sucking off the bong everyone's going to use? His worldview was betrayed by the gay guy throating the bong, probably. All right. Also, is this the 80s when AIDS was a death sentence? I'm going with giving Tripoli's horrific display of reading, comprehension, speaking, understanding. The fact that this has nothing to do with betrayal, I'm going to say this is Sam Tripoli. I know lots of gay people. What are you talking about? This is the first time I've met an openly gay man. Openly gay man. I assume Lauren was surrounded by gay dudes all her life. All the time. That's how she learned how to get blowjobs. Hold on. I was homeschooled. Oh, so you were around gay people. And it wasn't my dad. Wow. Okay. In high school. But in. Let me ask you a question. First of all, you could lie. That could just be a straight-up lie. Second of all, did you smoke weed in high school, Lauren? I did. Why would she lie and tell the truth? I did smoke weed, but I was also homeschooled. Weird. What does that mean, though? You had no gay people near you? You are such a Nazi. None of them deep-throated a bong. No one deep-throated a bong. Did you have a bong in the little house? In the prairie that you grew up? No, no, no. I was raised in Mesquite. I rolled blunts. God, she's perfect. She's so hood, guys. I'd marry her right now. You even know the dad. Do you know the dad? Lauren, when your water breaks, will you do it in my face? That's a technical squirt. On the record, that's squirt. It's not piss, and it came out of her pussy. This is clearly triplet. Triplet still hasn't figured out how to take his iPad back. It's Sam. It's Sam. I keep thinking it's Sam. I know we're doubting that it's Sam, because there's nothing in here about the Jews running the media. But it's Sam. I think Joe has me convinced. I'm also throwing Sam Tripoli up, but if it's not Sam Tripoli, somebody just clean the fuck up. Sam Tripoli, last one to vote. He's acting now, if it's him. If it's him, just know that this is a phony at work. Why? I don't know. Why? He says his machine isn't working. Like a grandparent. This fecocta thing's not. I'm 53. The lights aren't turning down. Last time I was here, we wrote down the name. It's like. Advancement. Last time I was here, we wrote on the name. Yeah, we wrote the name. He's freaking out. Yeah, I'm retarded. Alex, all of our answers are in. Whose story was story number three? Story number three belongs to Sam Tripoli. The betrayal is he sucked off the bong. That's the betrayal. That's what I figured, yeah. That's what I thought. Right, you're like, God, he went all the way down. It was uncomfortable. The whole way. And you're talking about your standard, like, corner store bong. Like, we're talking like a bong this high, dude. He just went, and he took a condo on it. A part of you was impressed, yeah? I was like, yeah, I was impressed, actually. By the way, I can't believe with the air conditioning that your paper airplanes haven't fucking went through somebody's head. Or stuck into a wall somewhere. What's on the paper airplanes? Oh, these are the stories, and we're signing them and then throwing them out to the fans. Oh, I thought it was like a free drink. You're so kind, Lewis. You're so kind. Sell that on eBay for 10 cents. Oh, let me get my thing. There you go. Alex. I got no points. If we all had long hair, it'd look like a fucking Whitesnake video up here. Just fucking our hair flying. Alex, where are our points at? All right, tied for fourth place with two points. Points each, Joe DeRosa and Sam Tripoli. We're on the board, baby. In third place with four points, Lauren Compton. In second place with six points, Big Jay Oakerson. And in first place with seven points, Lewis J. Gomez. Hell yeah. It is heating up. It is still anybody's game. I wish it was fucking heating up. It's freezing up here. It's fucking freezing up in here. Honestly, God, my penis is so small. It was also small upstairs. It's cold up there, too. This whole place is a goddamn fucking freeze tank. Trying to break our will. Are you storing elk meat in here right now? Oh, yeah. Why is it so cold, Joe Rogan? This is Joe's spillover meat freezer. Okay, hey, how do you guys get comfortable when then my bison goes bad? Fuck you guys. Arrow, arrow, arrow. Guys, one of us is gonna feel good and feel warm inside when we get to take home Dallas 1963. Which frames the assassination as a betrayal bigger than one man. Lee Harvey Oswald pulled the trigger. Sure. But the book has. Someone's trying to become your co-host. But this book asks, who else helped create a moment where that kind of violence could even happen? Wow. Wow. Dallas 1963. Tim, story number four. Story number four. I think my high school best friend had sex with a girl. with the person I was dating at the time at my parents' house when I wasn't home. They said they didn't, but evidence suggested otherwise. Lauren. Lauren. So Lauren said she was homeschooled. Actually, Lauren. He was like, Jay. Actually, Lauren, I like to retract my heckle. What is the evidence? You did a crime investigation. That's the evidence. Women love murder crime shows. You just did your own investigation. You were swabbing for DNA and shit. I brought in a splatter guy. Like I had a black light? Yeah. I think it's Lauren, too, because of the capitalization of my. At my parents' house. That's a very, like, Lauren, you know? But I would never think something like that. I would know. I thought she was going to just say, I would never think. I should have left it hanging. Also, parents is plural, so it's not Lewis. Damn it. It's the truth. The sky is blue. Shut the fuck up and hit, dude. What the fuck? Sabotage. I also didn't have friends in school. Because you didn't go to school. I know. Thank you. But it's still true. You're still called high school. Homeschool. You're still high school. You still were in high school. I don't know how homeschooling works. Right? Is it considered high school still? Well, yeah. You're still taking. And you had a best friend still, so it's like. I'm an only child. That has nothing to do with what is written here. There's no friends. You're just naming other friends. I don't know if she's unraveling. I think my high school best friend, as Tony Hedges says, my high school best friend had some friends. Sex. Sex. And it was unbelievable. That's my new favorite impression of Tony. Tony turning bad news into a brag. Tony, how was the doctor? He says my cancer is the most aggressive he's ever seen. I'll be dead in a month. It's unbelievable. I hope he heard that. I'm getting Lauren vibes. Lauren, can you do me a favor? Will you read this story out loud? Do you want me to read it? Like it's incriminating. You just want to hear it. I want to hear anything you say. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm in love. I think my high school best friend had sex with the person I was dating at the time at my parents' house when I wasn't home. They said, that they didn't, but the evidence suggests otherwise. I feel okay with it. You put Lauren up? You already put me up. I'm going Lauren. This just feels like something a chick would do to another woman. chick that is a very chick thing or or big j would do to his friend lewis and also she was your friend you pointed out how unattractive she was also too here's another reason i think it's lauren you're in high school girls hang out at their girlfriends houses when they're not there guys don't do that that'd be crazy did you ever fucking hang out at your friend's house when he wasn't there it's nuts it'd be weird right i took a shit at a friend's house when his when he wasn't there one time in high school right it was an emergency though same thing same thing it's a little different i'm locking it in lauren compton this is a woman's story very obviously i'm going so far behind i'm so lauren why are you saying j because with the last story it seems like people love to take your girl whoa damn that got real real fast it's okay she's hot it's all right she doesn't understand how words work she's hot though i'm gonna go i'm gonna go takes me a minute lauren all the boys choose lauren lauren chooses big j joe who did you vote for you me yeah this is you lauren come on y'all are fucking stop fucking around this is you cut the shit alex all of our answers are i've done nothing but tell the truth up here well story number four belongs to big j over soon it's gonna go big j he's too quiet he was too quiet god damn it i was gonna go big j story ha ha ha i forgot j comes from trash and they just let the kids hang out at the house you did forget so who was it tell us this story my right after high school girlfriend uh moved in with moved in with me at my mom's and step-pop's house uh with my family and then when i started doing comedy and i was going up to new york from philly every day i was going a lot and i kind of gave her like the i was like hey if you think we should break up i'm gonna be going a lot i get it and she was like no i want to like i want to stay together and work this out and then so i was going a lot and then driving up to new york one day i was in the car with kevin hart and keith robinson and we're and we got a phone call or i got a phone call and i take and i go okay yeah sure i hung up and they go i go what's that goes at cheryl my girlfriend he goes uh my friend little j funny enough little j uh she's gonna go hang out with him while he like shoots around at the uh at the playground and then how much they made fun of me for like letting my girlfriend go it's like she's gonna go watch him like hold my shirt watch me shoot jumpers or and it started making me feel really like jealous about i'm like really and then my parents said one day like they came out of their bedroom and went down like like saw over the banister the living room and like he was over and they were just sitting on the couch together one night so they probably fucked probably is that all the evidence you think they would actually fuck in the house not at the playground or you know what i mean you just said i come from garbage trash yeah everyone's a piece of garbage it's south jersey is that the only evidence though pretty good evidence did you break up with her or did you just say i love you too much i can't leave you no i think she dumped me eventually anyway she was like yeah she was she was now i am fucking somebody else and uh i can't believe after you gave her i'm married to the road now honey speech i really did that she fucked another guy things are gonna be different now i found a passion alex like rambo you're going up to do an open mic can't be held down jay if only she knew how famous kevin hart would get that girl's got a lot of stories with kevin hart that piece of shit alex four stories down where are our points all right tied for fourth place with two points each joe de rosa and sam tripoli you in third place with six points lauren compton in second place with seven points lewis jay gomez and in first place with nine points big jay we're at the halfway point of the show real quick let's do some plugs we'll plug some things and then we'll get into our second half lauren they can check out your podcast first date anything else you want to plug no my podcast you can find me anywhere at i am lauren compton very cool mr tripoli uh tomorrow i'm shooting my special for gas digital come out i'm debating whether i'll say the n word or not i'm working it out um uh just check out sam tripoli.com and check out word war debate uh it's coming out in august so check it out joe de rosa uh the the new podcast that was titled from what was born here uh violent horrendous on ymh out now and thank you guys for listening we were supposed to be bi-weekly and we went to weekly already after the second episode so every thursday ymh check it out and at joe de rosa comedy on youtube it's there thank you very cool tim butterly oh me too uh i'm shooting my special saturday here in town if any if anybody by the way if anybody wants to come to the special tapings uh this weekend i'll get you guys some comps if you guys are in the show right now just send me a dm and i'll get you to any of the shows that you guys want to i hope everybody does it no i hope that you are for the show i hope you guys are for the show i hope you guys are for the show a fucking a fucking neck deep in emails for a promise you made stone sober whacked down on pink red bulls so yeah i guess that's saturday and uh tickets aren't doing great but um anybody wants to come please friday and saturday are doing great if you guys want to see aaron berg and dave lando on sunday we need you there but i promise to you now before you guys and my wife thank god i will say the n-word um on god i'm gonna call him tim the builder and watch tim butterly's show and dabbing and everything thank you guys for having me big j big j comedy.com for all my days greatest yapper live tour happening now coming to a city near you it never ends it's every single weekend so i'll be there if you live there i'll be there too make sure you check out the bonfire five days a week faction talk series xm 103 with me and the great robert kelly and of course the flagship show over here gas digital the legion of motherfucking skanks uh check back on the road lewis of skanks.com sign up for my mailing list buy my book knives and spoons and if you love the show you guys should subscribe to gas digital we do the show actually with pre-release ad free and uncensored it comes out every monday night on gas digital before it goes to youtube spotify or anywhere else if you guys hate censorship and you hate listening to 20 ads per show on all these podcasts guess what you could watch it on gas digital four days before it goes anywhere else plus there's like 70 episodes that are no longer available to the public so you can watch the entire on-demand library go to gas digital.com download the app use the promo code war you save a couple bucks a month and it's the best way to support this show jay let him know what's going on in the second half well some of you might be feeling pretty shitty because you're not in first place but only one person can be but that can switch around so quick because for the final four stories and joe you've been here enough to know we go double points fuck you shane gillis fucking ruin ruin my thing you fucking piece of shit you have a hundred billion dollars you have to ruin my thing thanks it's a very simple concept here is uh whereas before if you fooled somebody you got one point if you guessed the correct story you got two points that now jumps up tim why don't you tell him that's right for the rest of the game every uh chance you score is for double points sorry do you have a do you have a scorecard that you're keeping out of your zone dry race for hell yeah dude i love it i love these guys are dorks i love it that's like when old men like still score baseball when they go to the game that's the best that's crazy you got baseball autists in your crowd now congratulations that's our statistician alex story number five story number five i once challenged a cop to a race at a red light i told him if i won he couldn't give me a ticket and he agreed i won and he ticketed me i mean that lewis lewis is a terrible driver i could beat a cop in a race of course but you know you're a terrible driver you know you uh you're not i've gotten better i haven't been to an accident in a year and three months a weird brag that wouldn't even get you the discount that the guy from major league gives you on that insurance commercial it's got to be like 18 months or something no it's two years and then the accidents fall off your record um only you know that but i don't think i don't think you're all fucking willy-nilly enough to go hey copper race me well you don't say that you just look at him and then you rev your engine no but you someone you but you've been dieseled him dude someone said if they won you couldn't give me a ticket and he agreed this is i wish you would have paul walker'd him oh too fucking soon too soon dude what is he from austin you faggots that fucking sucks no dudes because of that situation that we got to watch hobbs and shaw we're watching branch off shows but hold on hold on a second what is what is the initial what is the initial thing that starts the the race like what was sam triply looks over at a cop with his white privilege whacked out you on some kind of fucking crazy drug probably meth probably meth but if i if i won he couldn't give me a ticket a ticket for what like what we're speeding you're gonna speed in this race no but i'm saying there the way i'm reading this was there was an initial pullover for something and then it's the person no no it's in a red light he said he stops at a red light and they pull up and he did and he does the fun this is some cocaine la yes sam i mean it has to be sam i could it could be lauren who lauren where'd you grow up mesquite mesquite what is that that's the barbecue sauce yeah that's a jar of barbecue sauce it's like um nevada how far away is that from here like three out four hours is it texas it's in texas it's in texas but that's that's some southern shit too i could see her just being like a hot young chick she's like i'm gonna challenge this cop i was home driving school so it couldn't be me first of all no chick is gonna beat a fucking cop at a fucking race it's reckless drug-fueled behavior by sam tripoli yeah but can i say jay it's too late for you you already locked it in but i was gonna say like oh it's a woman's type of confidence that would do this any guy in the world especially a guy on drugs is gonna be like i'm not even gonna look at the cop you're just staring forward you're like don't look at me don't say anything guys are terrified of cops hot chicks are like oh he's cute let me challenge you to a fight not all guys are terrified of cops not all guys terrified no every guy's i'm going with sam yeah there was a car seat in the back no this is this is lauren this is chick shit this seems like this is hot chick shit yeah she tried to deflect right now she did let me get everyone off my trail right now and by the way remember how loud she was when it wasn't her look how fucking quiet she is right now this is lauren lauren compton pulled up to a red light told a cop to race her and then dusted the fucking cop yeah and then cried when she got a ticket i don't think that last part's true because women lie all right that's fair enough she lost yeah i think she lost the race and then thought she won because she thought no i won no you didn't the cop said he was like yeah you won darlin here just take the ticket whoever comes in second is the winner first is the worst alex whose story was this story number five belongs to lauren compton that's such a hot chick thing yeah it happened i had a i had a sports car now i don't know how many of you are going to agree that this is a sports car i had a chrysler crossfire that's not a sports car that's not a sports car chrysler okay fine jesus chrysler that's a car that an older man wears leather gloves to drive it was cool i had it i had a twin turbo i had four on the floor i mean it didn't it wasn't like a big block engine so what you saw this cop well he was yeah i saw this cop his name was john carson i met him after i bet you did yeah but that ticket never went through he was he he pulled up next to me and he rolled down his window and he was like i like your car and i was like thank you yeah what a dog and i said but i bet i can beat yours he was in a camaro and so i said when the light turns green i'll race you to the next light but if i win you can't give me a ticket and he's like okay and i smoked his ass and i went all the way through and then he went and he pulled me over and he gave me a ticket and his number wow did you go on a date with him i never went on a date with him but i was in a car club and so i would cruise up and down the street anybody go cruising no we're not cholo is a different group fuck you you faggot you love cock hey even if i do love cock i can get it the regular way up north i don't have to cruise around the streets no joe's cruising days are over he's too recognizable just go to a bar guys ever cruise what is this what are you who are you what the fuck are you talking about i was little i cruise the streets then we go neck up on the point we would hang out at taco bell that's what we did in our cars uh this story i mean i think we fabricated but either way i don't believe any of it alex where are we at with our points all right tied for fourth place with six points each joe de rosa and sam tripoli in third place with eight points lauren compton jump in second place with nine points big jay okerson and in first place with 11 points lewis jay gomez it's a tight game anybody's game still yeah okay story warriors you know what's up my story is that i started this company about a year ago called body brain coffee and it is not just normal coffee it is coffee we started with amazing premium freeze-dried coffee and it's not just normal coffee and then we blended in nootropics and adaptogens that will make you feel like the best version of yourself you know uh testosterone is down testosterone is down on average one percent for every every year after you turn 30 years old your testosterone will drop and guess what it's half is what it was when in your grandpa's generation that's why we included tonka ali which has been naturally linked to supporting testosterone in men especially aging men plus it's got l-theanine it's got lion's mane mushrooms for focus and memory and ashwagandha which supports mood and stress so it's great jay i know you've been boofing it for about a year now and you've never been more manly you've never been more focused you've never been more locked in no my asshole is getting really hairy though so i don't know who i write to about that in the 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it's sent to your door and discreet packaging they not only do they have stuff for ed but they have hair loss treatments weight loss treatments and more so right now just visit hymns.com slash wars with w-a-r-z that's hymns.com slash w-a-r-z for your free online visit today prescription required see website for details and important safety information sildenafil is a generic version of viagra viagra is a registered trademark of viatris specialty llc hymns is not affiliated with or endorsed by viatris all right where were we what are we uh where it's afraid story number six story number six i was kicked out of my church band for for wearing a t-shirt with satanic imagery and refusing to take it off the director claimed that i had betrayed god satanic imagery really it's sam fucking tripoli yeah sam tripoli was definitely a teen satanist if i've ever seen one and we've all been wondering what made sam this way this is the moment where he went fuck the world it's flat what musical instrument do you play i play a lot of them okay keyboard guitar harp they play that i can beat box i play the bass like the long bass yeah were you in a baptist church or something i do a little funk soul gospel i play an old washboard yeah i know this this was for a fact not jay because i know jay got his first musical instrument much later in life when you were given the set of drums because you won some contest or something yeah but i'm also jewish well there's oh yeah satanic imagery he was wearing a star of david and they removed him for his israeli devil jew ways i go i've been telling you guys this church and i'm just sick on the drums yeah but i am not christian it's not jay i can't imagine joe going to church oh oh i totally not total those are the ones who turn gay are the ones you play instruments i know you rapped when you were younger but joe played several instruments yeah i played saxophone started in fourth grade i started playing drums in the ninth were you raised in a church yes he was yeah i was raised roman catholic oh my i was raised roman catholic yeah but you're not wearing satanic imagery joe likes a lot of punk rock and he's got a bad religion is like satanic imagery technically it's like a crossed out cross nine inch nails maybe i hate no i don't like i'm not a fan of nine inch nails but but i am a fan of bad religion and yes their symbol is the cross why would he be telling us all this if it was him huh catholics don't do church bands they just do the fucking castrati boys i also i will say i've never heard a story of joe playing in a church band i just know he grew up his his dad was in the church yes so it's possible joe did you do any any music with your church what's that oh shit i think it's joe what's that is crazy it's triple your joe come again who'd you vote joe you have a triple you just spoke into a microphone when no one i was in a rock band in high school yeah were you in a church band oh i was a drummer i wasn't playing drums in the church band well that's a weird thing to say is there a drum set in a church band that's insane yeah okay yes it was me vote for me dumbass it's not lewis because he would never be in a church band to get kicked out of fuck i kind of think it's lewis now i wish i had a pickpocket oh it's joe what an idiot there we go it was so easily joe everyone's locked in save the papers everyone's locked in alex story number six belongs to lewis jay gomez oh nice story and then when then you left the church and went outside and you saw a girl beat a cop in a car race anything else and then superheroes i've definitely told you i was in a church the rules are you have to tell true stories true story i was in uh saint uh saint peter's church in haverstraw new york there was like a youth group and they formed we joined it formed a church band the guitarist from salty blackflower dave green the singer from salty blackflower john hickey and me all played in the church band and i was and i didn't give a fuck at all i had already given up on god years before that but i wanted to just play music live so i used to wear marilyn manson t-shirts to church with like it was like you know one said fuck you know i was in a church band and i was in a church band and i was in a church band and i was like fuck christ it was like crazy and then the director was like turn your shirt inside out and i was like i'm not taking my shirt inside out sorry i'm just playing and after like what a hard line stance to take and you're the one thousand percent asshole here hey can you take off the satan shirt just because we're in church nah man hey can you put your dick away you're in a grocery store fuck you dude look at that flag above your door yeah and yeah this uh this lady she she had like sunken in cheeks we would call her skeletor to her face and uh like i'm about to take it off my marilyn manson t-shirt skeletor fuck yourself and eventually she kicked me out of it and she said i had betrayed god lewis do you think that's why you lost both your parents it's gotta be it's gotta be in the reason for me it's gotta be in there is one of the reasons god took them from me it's one of the reasons oh i just cleaned up thank you double points that's twice alex where are our points at i don't want to know tied for fourth place with six points each joe de rosa and sam triple e we really are the bottom back down again in third place with eight points lauren compton in second place with nine points big jay oakerson it's a lot of points that's a lot of points jay alex and in first place with 19 points lewis jay gomez oh man there's almost no chance you guys can catch up to me oh wow you're winning the game you invented that you play every week you fucking asshole that's amazing i'm here as a fucking favor for christ's sakes yeah you're winning i'm uh i'm here every week yeah you're in second place i know and it's a pretty big deal for me being in second place alex story number seven story number seven i got so drunk once i hit on my friend's wife that about sums it up it says hold on it says spouse i hit on my friend's spouse it really could be a girl hitting on a girl yeah i don't think it is though yeah jay great but we don't know if it went well if it went bad after that did a threesome happen i don't know this is the shortest story i've ever heard yeah this is lewis written all over for sale friend's wife never used uh i wouldn't hit on one of my friend's wives now if there's any person on this panel that would hit on somebody else's person that they had feelings for it would probably be big j well you're gonna make me think this is you i don't get drunk like that and hit on a friend then no way that's not me but jay you don't get drunk like that but if you got drunk like that once this very well could be you because you are a fucking scumbag you are a fucking a fucking piece of shit to your friends and loved ones we all know that it's joe joe joe joe joe this is jay this is jay i can see it being joe too joe you do get hammered and you are a horndog you're one of the guys and there's like this is and people say this about me too if i find out a girl fuck joe i'm like really you fell for joe's shit that's what we all say about girls we meet and i'll go well i did a couple of your friends you go oh that guy got you with his nonsense and we all say it about each other joe told you about his calico vision until you so there was no more ubers available yeah yeah yeah do you give you a tour of his podcast studio yeah yeah yeah yeah i know the mics are nice there i have the cat i have the keys we can go in after hours would you like to see where the sausage is made would you like to meet ralph this is where aaron berg sits sometimes now fuck this this is lewis or jay uh i'm going i'm gonna i'm gonna go with lewis i think this is this is joe this is bad acting by joe right now i don't think tripoli is not the best place to be i don't think it's the best place to be i don't think it's that guy i don't think tripoli is a guy who's hitting on a uh one of his friends girls derosa who'd you put joe you put joe joe put me joe voted very early because he wanted to get it going no this is this is you this has this i i thought it could be jay this is that I really think this is you. This just sounds like something you would do and be brazen enough to admit it publicly. You're a bad guy. I don't even mean it like that. I just mean like. Look at him defending. He's like, he's not a bad guy. I mean, you're not going to be a bad guy to do this. Any guy would do this. I mean, really. A normal guy can make a mistake. But I think it's Lewis. But just so you know, don't judge Lewis hard. When this is Lewis, don't judge him hard because this is going to happen to anybody. I need an Elmery pass. This is, I'm telling you, this is Lewis. Lauren, what are you thinking over there? You do a show called First Date. You've had a bunch of us on your show before. So you kind of know us and the way we are with women. Who are you thinking right now? I mean, you're hitting on a pregnant chick right now. I am hitting on a pregnant chick. You're trying to get a chick who's pregnant, pregnant again. And also married. He's hitting on a married, pregnant woman in front of an audience. Hold on, hold on. In front of an audience. But she's so fucking hot. Shut up. Keep in mind, also, Lewis and her husband, not necessarily friends. But Lewis has admitted on my podcast that he's cheated before. Yeah, I'm a guy. I mean, throw a dart. He's a guy. Throw a dart, lady. No shit. I don't know. I think this is Lewis. I think you're flying under the radar too much. A drunken piece of shit? I don't know what she said. I just got lost in her eyes. Whatever you want. Yes, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. Hold on. I don't know. It's either Lewis or Joe. I agree. Could be Sam. It's, it's, this has, I can't even believe what we've witnessed just on this stage. Lewis, this is you 1,000 fucking percent. Pregnant women are so hot. Once you have a baby, you'll be very attracted to pregnant women. I'm telling you right now. It's the hottest thing on earth. Can you sort this out later on your own time? This is, by the way, this is what he said to his friend after he hit on the friend's wife. Dude, she's so hot, bro. Oh. Oh, and she's pregnant, so I know she loves cream pies. Who do you love? I love finishing in the warm and wet. But you understand, I understand that's your wife. That's your betrothed. We watched you hit on Heidi on this very show. It's just you, dude. Oh, my God. Joe, you're making a good argument because Lewis is trash garbage. We're all trash garbage. We're all trash garbage, dude. But this ain't my trash garbage. Joe is my moat. Me, me, me, my moat. Catch a tiger by the toe. It's not me, bro. What the fuck? Oh, wow. That's panicky. I need a, yeah, that's very panicky. That's panicky. Can we just, do you guys notice he's voted for me every single time for everything? That's not true at all. Well, he can't give you a ticket and demand your number. He's trying to get some attention. I'm just going to fuck it. Oh, my God. I think it could be Sam. I don't give a shit. Unbelievable. I just. This could be Sam, and he could have fucked our worlds up just now. That's probably Drunk Joe. Who got so drunk they once hit on a friend's spouse? Story number seven belongs to. Look at his face. Joe DeRosa. Vile. Horrendous. He is vile and horrendous. Horrendous. I'm not proud of it. I would not like to talk about it any further. This. I'm sorry. Who was the friend? Was it a comic? No. Bill Burr's movie. And we talked about it afterwards. I was very embarrassed. And I actually wrote about it. I used to have a monthly editorial that I wrote for Penthouse, and I actually wrote about it. It was the worst mistake I ever made. I was very mortified. How close of a friend was it? He was a pretty good friend. And how did you hit on the girl? Like, pretend Jay's the girl. Well, like this or like this? Jay's the girl. Nothing, nothing. Did she teach you a lesson or you just want to send a fucking message? Nothing crazy, but it's just I definitely flirted with her. Like, I just was out of my fucking head. I was out of my fucking head. I think I took mushrooms, molly, and I was drinking. What were some of the things you were saying to her? I don't remember. I honestly don't remember. But it wasn't anything like crazy. I just was. Is that called something when you do all those things? Always like doodle flipping or something. Yeah. Oh, we were doodle flipping. It's a Wahlberg. We were Wahlberging. I was Wahlberging. Seven stories down, Alex, where are our points at? All right, in last place with six points, Sam Tripoli. Stop voting for me, and you'll win. Don't clap. In fourth place with eight points, Lauren Compton. In third place with eight points, Lauren Compton. In fourth place with 10 points, Joe DeRosa. In second place with 13 points, Big Jay Oakerson. And in first place with 23 points, Luis J. Gomez. At this point, it is impossible for anybody to catch up with me. It is my book. It is my book. "Dallas 1963." We'll play one more round for shits and gigs. Luis, you're going to enjoy "Dallas 1963," with spellbinding storytelling, Bill Minotoglio and Stephen L. Davis present an accurate understanding of what happened in the weeks and months leading to John F. Kennedy's assassination. "Dallas 1963" is a sobering reminder of how radical, polarizing ideologies can poison a city and a nation. Yeah. It stays right here in the Story Wars library because Louis is a no-down scumbag cheater. I know, it's Joe. You and Joe were the scumbags. Boo. Alex or Tim, let's do our final story. Triple point. Triple point. Sorry, you usually say story number eight. Once, a friend did liquid acid and then shrooms. On the ride home, he was tripping so hard, he stripped naked and tried to hump me. We kicked him out of a moving van and never saw him again. I have almost this exact story, but I was the friend who did liquid acid. No, this is Sam. Yeah, this is a Sam Tripoli type story. This is Sam, the specifics, the liquid acid. Why is it a Sam story? Liquid acid, shrooms, vans. Tripping, tripping, Tripoli, it's all there. Hold on, tripping so hard that he tried to hump me, that could easily be Lauren. I want to hump Lauren now when I'm sober. But he hangs out with gay guys that deep throat bonks. That's also true. Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? You're such a homophobe. This guy tried to hump you. This could be the same night. It's true. That's some weird logic. I'm telling you, this is Sam. This is a wild story. Maybe, but can I make the point about Lauren, though? I did coke. Guys are funny. A dude trying to hump you, you're not going to kick him out of a moving van. Him trying to assault a beautiful, young, blonde. She's with somebody, Louis. She's not a girl. Isn't this 75? 75 adjectives. A voluptuous. Ever evolving. Ever evolving. All my humps. Vivacious. I got to go jerk off. Have you ever seen anybody do acid, Lauren? I got to get it out. I got to get the evil out. I'm surprised you didn't do it before the show. I got to get it out. That's why you're in the bathroom so long. Yeah, dude. It was Sigler on the early show, Warren Compton on this show. I got to go home and jerk off. This is crazy. It's not Lauren. She's wearing a ball gown right now. She's not hanging out in the van with liquid acid. You don't think she was. Ball gown girls and drugs? Mesquite? No. Yeah, mesquite, that's all they do is acid. I didn't always wear ball gowns. This is also. Sometimes she wore ball gowns. I'm going to go with you, Joe. Lauren. Why is she the only one who enjoyed that? I enjoyed it. Thank you. Lauren talks a lot when it's not her. She got very quiet when it was her. I don't think this is Lauren. I think this is Sam Tripoli, 1,000 fucking percent. I think it's both now. You got me. I voted for Sam. It's either Sam or Lauren. I think it's Sam. I'm going to go with Lauren just for shits and giggles. I think I'm going to go Lauren just to keep it consistent. Do your fans always bring their own scorecards to write the answers on? This is crazy. Why are you not throwing it to them? We got a Sam. Who's the other one? Sam? There's a third one I saw out there. Sam. All Sam. All you, bro. All right. All right. It's 2-8. All of our answers are in. Alex, whose story was story number eight? Story number eight belongs to Sam Tripoli. I got to come up with different stories. Sam, is there any more to this story? Who was this? You never told me this. We were doing a show in. Barstow, no, where was it? Nevada, just outside. where like prostitution's legal and we literally got hired to do a gig um nevada that's where it was and we got hired to do a gig for these rednecks uh they were raising money so they could this true story they're raising money so they could build a rocket that runs on human fecal matter because because they wanted to go to space and they brought me to house they showed me the designs and everything and uh i was bombing so hard and the only way i got out to get my ass kicked is i told them i was from the nra and i was there to uh save their second amendment rights so there's drugs everywhere my friend matt does two hits of liquid acid and then he's like i don't feel anything and i go well you know let it give it time he's like no i'm gonna say something to the drug dealer so he walks up to the drug dealer he goes i don't feel anything the drug dealer i watched this happen just took the bottle liquid acid poured it down his throat and then by the time he came back we got in this fat sack of mushrooms like a giant pack he just grabbed the mushrooms and started eating all the shrooms yeah and i'm like we gotta get back to vegas now 40 minutes in buck naked jerking off yelling madman's gotta come the whole time right and then he gets up and he just starts trying to get me pregnant dude he's like he's on me so the car the guy driving's on acid we open the door and we just kick him out into the way into the darkness and we never heard from him again great story the great sam tripoli i feel like i feel like that answered the question as to some kind of cold case somewhere give us our final scores uh we all we all know who won already but make it official in last place with eight points sam tripoli in fourth place with 12 points lauren compton in third place with 14 points joe de rosa in second place with 17 points big jay okerson what kind of shitty thing was that to say you know this motherfucker just said to me no microphone he goes he goes jay okerson 17 points he went closer than it should have been what the fuck are you thinking what do we a thing also he gestured for lauren to pass the novel back yeah i'll just sign so he can take it home and in first place your winner tonight with 23 points lewis jay gomez everybody how about it for lewis jay gomez tonight's winner taking on dallas 1963 how about a big big round of applause for our amazing panel up here the great lauren compton sam tripoli the violent horrendous joe de rosa tim butterly thank you guys for checking out story wars i'm big jay okerson i'm lewis jay gomez until next time peace out