Jigging For Squid w/ Harland Williams | Your Mom's House Ep. 882

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Use code YMH at checkout for 20% off your orders of $50 or more or visit cigars international.com/YMH and the discount applies automatically some exclusions apply. Hi, mommy's. Welcome to your mom's house. I'm so excited. My stepdad for this week is Harlan Williams, my favorite. Okay. Okay. We're auditioning new dads. I don't know if you've heard the news, but Tom and I are getting a divorce. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to. Yeah. Hey. It's real fucked up. Now you can go jigging for squid on your own now, by, oh, that's tough. I'm sorry. That's not easy. Jigging for squid. What is jigging for squid? We're Canadian. You know the East Coast. I don't know that one though. That's like the Newfoundlanders. Well, I'm from Windsor, Ontario. I know, but you know the Newfoundlanders. They tell. They're on the East Coast, they're by, they get up in the morning, they go jigging for squid thereby. Get out on the boat and go jigging for squid by. You've never jigged for squid. I've never jigged for squid. Do you know what jigging is? Of course not. It doesn't sound, it sounds racist. You know what squid is? Yeah. You know what a squid is? Have you ever eaten calamari? It's an animal. I love calamarties. Okay. Or as I call them deep fried assholes. But. This is best. So squid is squid is squid and then the fisherman, they go out on the boat thereby and they put a lure on the end of a fishing line and they drop it down deep and they jig. Oh, I see it. You jerk the line up and down and you entice the squid and the squid come in with their tentacles and they're like, you know, they kind of sniff from the, then they attack and then they pull them jig, jig squid up there to the surface and they squirt their ink like a S spawn six, five, nine ink jet printer that's been hit by a steam roller by or whatever. Are you getting any of us? And that's an analogy for what? Punching a child in the face. Get it. What the hell is wrong with getting it in? What? Is that an out? Is that what you say for getting it in? Jigging for squid? Yeah. Getting it in as in. Are we talking sex order? Exercise. No, working out. No. That's what I meant. Yeah. No, sorry. I didn't know you were talking about. You're way off. Yeah. No, no. Okay. I thought so. You've changed since your divorce. I don't know you anymore. Good. God. Someone threw a blue hair into the sky and hit her in the forehead. Why? It's crazy. What are you doing? Where have you been? What are you up to? I've been just touring around. Yeah. I've been motoring around. I got my first, if I look a little like star glazed. Are you? Do I look star glazed right now? What does that mean? Like just like somebody woke me up by slapping me in the face with a honey baked glazed ham. Yeah. That is exactly what I thought. I got that blue, right? Yes. Guess why? Why? I was over here at exactly noon. I took my first cyber cab over here from downtown Austin. And I'm like, I feel like I'm in Star Wars. How did you feel about it? Because I have a love hate relationship. I resent them already. Why? Have you been in one? No. Or once you're getting one, you're going to be overall that girlfriend. Really? It was amazing. Tell me everything. I mean, the thing, okay, it didn't pull right up to my hotel. I had to walk out to the street. So it was off. At first, it was off by like 600 feet, but that's okay. It pulled over for me. The bat door opened. Wow. I get in. I had to put my seatbelt on, and then it closed, and then it just started going. And you don't have to talk to anybody, which is nice. Well, it talks to you. It says, "Hello, Harland." And I didn't know they talked. So my first command is I had it drive into a wall at 60 miles an hour. I wanted to hear it scream. That's what I would do. Yeah. I just wanted to hear it scream. But no, and then it just started going. Yeah. And I'm sitting there. And you look over. There's no driver. There's no steering wheel. No pedals. It's going at a good clip. It's like going. It's moving faster than your average bad driver, like it's staying at speed. You're whipping along. And then it had to make decisions. It had to make a term, but there was a guy in a wheelchair going across, and it waited. So you said speed up. Oh. Can you tell it to do. You can't tell it to do stuff, though, yeah? You can. I think you can. I didn't need to. It's up for the driving into the wall. I want to hear it scream. Yeah. So the scream is like a shriek. I couldn't tell if it'd be a man scream or a woman scream, but it was a shriek. I don't know. Like a woman getting hit in the back of the head with a canoe paddle behind a dairy queen, if that makes sense. It was very specific. Yes. Yeah. I hear that. Yeah. That's interesting. But it was fascinating. It wouldn't go on the highway. I thought it would take the highway to get here, but it did all the back streets, but that created even more of an intricate web for this thing to navigate. And it was flawless. You know, I'm surprised that you opted for that being that you have a criminal past. And aren't you afraid that if you get in there and it identifies you, which is going to take you straight to the cops? Let's just say I might have been a bit late. I stopped at the cops, but nothing a little bribe won't help. You know? All right. Just making sure. Listen. I'm so happy you're here. Clips for you. Are you ready for this opener? Oh, no. It's so good. No. No, it's squeamish. No, no. It's in your life. Are they dirty? No. Okay. Never. Not on this show. Okay. Good. So if anybody know how to wrestle and you live in Lancaster, please come over to my house today, bro. It's fucking Friday, you guys. My eyes are fucking four three seven zero eight. Heating Avenue. Lancaster California. Nineteering five, put three five four. I'm getting ready to put the blinder up. just wants to wrestle that's it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just listening. Are you feeling it? What's happening? Do you hear the music in your ears? Yeah. You're supposed to enjoy it. Just enjoy it. Is this the intro to your show? Yeah. Why is it so long? I know. I know. Same. I could have done my groceries. I could be in a cyber cab right now going to another podcast. No. We're going to make it longer. Another time in our divorce we're going to have two separate intros. But do you want people to dance in between the greet in the beginning of the like that was a hole? But they've always done that. That's long. You've been on the show before. People don't have time for that kind of intro. But do they have time to wrestle? There's always time to wrestle if it's in Lancaster. Oh yeah. Desert wrestling is the best. Have you ever done a Baker's Field or a Fresno wrestle? Of course. Well not a wrestle but a gig. Yeah. All those are the best ones. They use different oils up there. They use Joshua Tree oils, Yucca oils and Baker's Field is onions and raisin. That's where they harvest them. Yeah. You haven't wrestled till you're covered in onion oil. Why? I prefer the first one. You said there's lavender in there. Right? Don't they infuse it with like fancy like patchoulies and lavender? No, I said Joshua Tree. Oh, Joshua Tree. That's not lavender's and stuff. No, no. Joshua Tree is a very specific tree that only grows in that region of the world that doesn't grow anywhere else on the whole planet. Oh, I didn't know. Wow. Where you've been wrestling? Oh god. Can I watch this? Someone get this lady some clearest little acne cream. I got it. I got to study this again. I have to see this again because it's so there's so much happening like it's just a guy saying you want to wrestle. That's what you think. Here's what I'm saying. There's clips that come along once every few years on this show where you're like that's not a big deal. And then you go deeper and I got a feeling and I'll tell you why. Oh god. I'll tell you why this gives me hold on. This gives me five. Set me up. I am a little bit. You're setting a player up. Hold on. And here's what? Where's? Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. It gives me those kinds of vibes. Some mild to wild to kink. Try it out. Only because do you have ever heard of Robert Paul Champagne? No. Oh, dude. Okay. Just buckle up. Here we go. Ready? Black guys love the fuck the fuck good if you're a hot black guy you want to fuck me at 23.95 if you want to move in you can move in I mean I need you fucked a lot man get free food free rent you know man here's a deal man what the hell is that cheat try it out what do you think disgusting like what is it say is he laying in a Christmas arrangement there it's like looks like if I'm if you're back to being the manger and Mary and Jesus would be like what the hell did we immaculate child we didn't have sex for this what is he what's he laying in there's like ribbons around him and Christmas is a Christmas wreath on the door so you're not going to a Christmas purve will it you're not going to believe this but we actually got to know him very well over the years this guy on the shelf over here good lord that mustache has to have speaking of oils you squeeze that mustache and how many men are going to ring out of that that's like a gay sham wow sitting on his clit mantle so we've we've been in his apartment and yes you're right it's a lot I was picking up the kids well there's this dirty smelly my stash full of man oils I'd like you to go jigging for yourself Tommy when you get the chance by so but Roberts into a man but I think he might make an exception for me because he and I have a very special connection what is it well he gave me a bunch of his Barbie dolls that he's collected over the years and nice jewelry and stuff and he does have lots of ribbons and like festive things in his apartment which is what you are you're correct is what I'm trying to say is that yes those are Christmasy ornaments you know what I'm getting from this is it's never too late to make new friends no that wonderful I'll bless you angel picture this it's seven in the morning and my cats are sitting on my chest staring directly into my soul why because their food bowl is empty and they demand small cat food that's right if you're a cat lover you know the drill my little domestic terrorists run 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I think you said this right off the cuff you were like wait a minute is this just about wrestling right well let's take let's watch it again and let's see if we can piece this mystery together yeah because I got it I got to go deeper on this ready clockwork gold thank god Mickey Mouse is in the back so this is where the confusion lies for me a lot is that there's Mickey Mouse poster in the background right so you think well maybe this guy is just innocently asking for the wrestling but then he shirtless and he's like it's fucking Friday which it's Friday he wants to get turned up you know I'm saying like what's that is now at the kids say you get that's what they all say now I think it's 10 years ago is what you're trying to say that's right they get tainted up yeah that's right I'm sorry you're right if they got tainted up and he wants to party and I think wrestling is code for gay sex well since when did partying which is a festive event with balloons and cakes and clowns become synonymous with creeps rolling around naked covered in Vaseline power hammering each other with Mickey Mouse watching oh boy that's a really good wrestling but a headlock on him choke him out choke him out little buddy oh oh he's about to achieve oh don't get on me I'm up by the ceiling oh the ceiling fan had to be on oh it's like I'm in a water wiggle of white water anyway puppy dog tales how does it go that's one Disney icon that's not bring my my guys don't do this stuff you you don't adopt five children and put them to work in the yard if you say one more word struggles this you don't know he's so good at your voices I haven't heard your voice in my house in a long time I'm just saying we may have watched some shows that you do cartoon voices do you know this guy since you are in the Disney family what guy did you give him that poster to put no no I have nothing to do with Mickey my shows mine mine's puppies not mice mice and tight red shorts and Demented yellow shoes and Michael Jackson's dirty monkey gloves okay fair enough you know I don't mice have like small little mice feed and somehow Mickey's got these giant corn cobs on his feet like what it was stupid feet look like is anyone taking those dumb yellow shoes off he's probably got like leprosy or something yeah you're right why does he have big he's got to look a tightest like he's probably got like clumped out like no yeah gout yeah he's got gout for sure he's got gout yeah he's wearing like clogs yeah he's like the Netherlands like where is he and why does he need gloves yeah he looks like he should be making wine and you know up in a Fresno or something with his restless legs syndrome feet you know what we got to get out of this stuff I don't want to talk about I don't want to talk about Disney let's let's do something a little more adult since we're adults okay have you ever done this energy play is it energy player the biggest collection of faking it I've ever seen in my life like what a bunch of actors like as if they feel a damn thing and now and does it have to be fatty fatty 2x4 all over them like what she feeling their stomachs. see what they ate yesterday, like, what the hell? Oh, this is just annoying. It's terrible. And so far I'm looking, there's not one of these people I'd want to lay my head on. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they're all, and you're right, they're such like, they're so fucking thirsty for attention. Whatever it is, somebody talked them into the concept that, oh, you can release your energy and all your term, if you let a 400 pound woman in a little house in the prairie dress, Neil, and not be able to stand up. And rubber, I can't believe it's not butter hands all over your womb. And then the electricity of that, as if she's got the electricity of Elvis himself just goes right through all these flabby bodies and they all just a moat. That's so true. So she starts at the fat sweaty lady at the end. Like, she's like, she does like a Mr. Miyagi and then puts her hands on someone's stomach. Is that? And I guess that's how the train, the energy train starts. We'll run ill. God, this is. It's like a bad theater class. But you ever do like, give it a theater arts. And before you start acting, they just, oh, okay, students, let's improv. You're a tree. You're a cat. I hate it. And it was just like, so get the energy going. It's just, I don't know where. I hated that so much. Those acting class warm up exercises to get you to be silly. Yeah. Fuck, I resented that. And I don't like that. Okay. Here's another one. Okay. Here's another one though. Okay. Let's say you meet the woman of your dreams. Like, she's a 10 out of 10. Yeah. Everything you want. But she's into this shit. Ready? It's all white chicks. In a yellow tent. Good God. Yeah. That's exactly like those exercises you do when you're in theater class. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. Okay. But, but I'm telling you, she's like the woman of your dreams. But hold on, every weekend, she's like, Harland, I got to go do my very good, very good, yeah, retreat in the yellow tent. And you're like, all right, sweetie, I'll see you later. Well, no, the subtext is honey, I've got to go con 40 people out of $300 and come home in two hours with four grand in my pocket. Where do you want to go for lobster tonight? And I'm like, you're the woman of my dreams. You are the woman of my dreams. Go con those desperate, empty people. Yeah. I shouldn't say that. I'm open-minded. You know, if you want to do that and if anything in life gives you relief or pleasure or, you know what, do it. I'm taking a crack at them because it's your show. But I'm really not that close-minded. I think humans are very complicated and have a need to emote and express and release. And, you know what, for someone that's had a bad week or maybe lost a child or was in a car accident or suffered trauma, that might be the exact thing they need. You think that's what's going on? I'm joking around with it, but I don't want to come across as judgy because everyone's so different. I disagree. I disagree. Here's what you do. You rip a fucking dart. You have a drink like a grown-up. As an adult. You do, but for some people, like somebody somehow must have had to seek this out. And the fact that there's 40 of them in a carnival tent, somehow there must be a need for this somewhere. See, and I saw I wouldn't smoke on today's episode, but this makes me so angry, and it upsets me so much. I do the whole deck. Yeah, I think I will. I'll have one. I don't even smoke. Let's do it. As somebody that is going through a very depressing year for them, this would put me in my grave, truly. Like, this is not what we want to be doing when you're bummed. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before we get all judgy, you are going through a traumatic time. Yeah. And it's not easy mentally and spiritually and psychologically. Yeah. Maybe what if something like that, even if it helped incrementally 5%. I think it being closed now. I can raise my prosack by 5% and get the same. Oh, you need a lighter? Are you really going to rip a dart with me? Have you ever smoked a cigarette? You're very clean. Like, you don't drink. You don't smoke, right? Well, I'm going to now. Yeah. Do you drink alcohol? You're known then rarely. But you're not like a big, you don't smoke weed or anything. Really? No, you're not that guy. Is it lit? Yep. It's it. It's still lit. No, you've still got to go. It's good. You did good. How does that feel? I'll tell you how it feels. So much better than that, huh? Yeah. See, this brings me real joy. Yeah. Cancer. Yeah. It's the best. Something like dying slowly to bring your joy. You said it, kid. My thoughts exactly. We're all got to come and get we may be in the spookiest time of year, but that doesn't mean you have to sit back helpless while your hairline creeps back about half of men's starts to see hair loss by 50. But what nobody warns you is how early it actually starts. Oh, I know. 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What, why did you have to add all that? Well, they're golf girls. They're not the cleanest people on the planet. Well, how do you know that? Well, I just was about to tell you I've dated one. No, you haven't. You've really dated a golf girl? Ah, gosh. I don't know. You would know. I don't know. I can't say that I've ever dated like a full-blown golf girl. Well, what? Just a depressed chick? Ah, I'm sure most people go through bouts of depression, so that would be accurate. Yeah. But not a man. Actually, I did date a girl once and I dubbed her. Her name was Elle Depresso, I called her. Why? Because she was such a downer and she was stunning. She looked like Julia Roberts, like beautiful. And I was so excited to date her. And then just she was, her energy was just like, she's almost like droopy the dog. Like, you want to go to the opera? Yeah. You want to go on a cruise and take the concord to get there? Yeah, let me find it. Yeah. Oh, well, well, yeah. That's a really good droopy dog. Have you done that on stage? No. Dude, you really got to write a joke and do droopy dog. So good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. I'm so boss. Can you say to me if you don't mind? And I know this is your show. So I don't want to jump in. But if you want mine just saying to me, he had a common, Mr. He had a common, Mr. We all got a common kid. I think you just asked in your lap, you do have to ask in the, in the action. You want to like yourself? on fire I don't know these things um how long you've been smoking wildberry cooler lips oh my god I was just gonna ask you to tell call me something silly that's what I've been waiting for this whole time oh yeah or maybe I will oh you're doing snap dragons McGillic Cutty I well I didn't I open for you at crackers and Indian I don't think you're would remember I would remember yeah I think I fucking open for you remember crackers in Indianapolis the one um yeah the downtown club they built in 1984 and they never changed a fiber or a molecule of the whole thing like yeah still have the same stage so when WAM was still emerging and then and then groucho marks mm-hmm but it looked like Hitler so every comic would go up and be like Hitler's oh yeah and I that was the first time I ever saw you do that stuff where you would like call people silly names in the audience it blew me away you just come up with those yeah all right dude give me give me another one give me a big harland oh okay how you doing their uh cinnamon crackle nutmeg teeth you asked for it kid okay thank you my camera is it here no I think it's there that red one come on kid you know what that's shrum don't you what come on is it Clint Eastwood yeah yeah I'm forgiven oh I don't think I've seen as with Leonardo de caprio now they up with Morgan Freeman and they're on the outside of town bring that up bring that up on the outside of town and they Morgan Freeman was his buddy and they propped him up in front of the bar gene hackmen put him in front of the bar is corpse and the girl rides out and that sounds really fun is there with the little cowboy kid yeah see I'm depressed I can't be watching shit like that are you depressed no I'm just kidding I'm always depressed but look at that no no yeah no I'm not I'm just kidding I don't that doesn't sound like something I'd want to see you know I'm a I'm a lady I'm a lady you know what I really love ma let me guess my fair lady or oh I love that stuff the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane we all gotta come and get who can you call me a silly name in the Clint Eastwood voice sure they have to set me up you have to say he had a come and mister he had a come and mister we all got a come and peppered farm broccoli ass and I meant the last no I know you've seen it is yeah it's turning that way it's never been good I never got blessed with an ass now now what's your favorite part like a view like what do you think you got blessed with physically with me your hair's great by the way you've got really good hair yeah you know as I've gotten older my hair is just kind of hung on and people comment on on a lot so at the trying to be humble I would say my hair because that's what people tell me so good yeah so lucky here look with hair like that yeah just watch this see I just thought I'd let y'all know I like giving gothic girls they're pretty cool I think you're all right you know they're my gothic girls I got a lot of them in this fan so I just want to let you know yeah I really like your videos doing pretty good you need a little help though you need an assistant you need an assistant with all that you know you need a professional assistant yeah to help you and treat your audience yeah you know so yeah I'd volunteer to be your assistant yeah we make some viral videos together we'll be professional you know do it right do it right you tease I get along with that and we we do it you know as a video you know I put on that for you and you put on show and I'll be your assistant see there you go don't grow for nothing I gotta tell you those teeth if I was a cob of corn that's the guy I'd want to eat me because he would not harm one niblet on my elongated yellow body no no Richard can you roll it till where he's smiling oh I'm sure just there's a giant monster gap where you could probably run a this toy electric train through there like yeah if you're a cob of corn that's the safety zone for you for sure he could roll it around like a lumberjack log rolling on Lake oaky choky suck my sister's face but that is the truth that is still there look look I had one of my teeth knocked out as a kid's um on the school playground I was playing on some metal rings when I was like nine you know like that the story your dad told so I have said I have like empathy for people who are missing one front two okay and I have to say the one that's remaining it's really nice it's not bad if you like pumpkins are you on the apps harlander or do you are you dating on the apps no no no so you just make a video like this what do you need to reach out to to ladies that's what he's doing he's like oh no that's a bit too desperate I mean it just it just seems like a random like like cattle call he just he just put it on tiktok hoping that someone saw it and found him but it's not the way to find love just put it out there what I would love is if he found a woman that had a tooth missing on the same side and when they cut your tapeworm went back and forth and they got to share a tapeworm that would be dandy that would be so cool yeah yeah like that okay okay now that's that looks like a jigs a squid jigger right there you're wondering what they look like yeah you can tell that that by he's been out there jigging for squids for squids this one's pretty cool it's not a real bug it's not a real bug stop it's a towel it's a print what is he an idiot no why's he just get some off what do you think it's a fuck off he's a loser believable who's a yellow and green butterfly towel that's the word yeah silence of the losers ring about I don't even think about that good god yeah the choice of towel color it's not masculine but you don't you've never done that before just hammered my meat with a t-fall fry pan yeah I have what about it you know I had a feeling I just had a feeling that was something you were into I don't know why but I just well sometimes the little fella stands up when you don't want him to and you got to teach him who's in charge is that what that is this what he's doing sometimes the women don't know this but most of the time men are triggered by a rot of caught or sexual stimulation really and the little buddy stands up but every now and then it gets a mind of its own and it likes to wander like a lost draft in the Kalahari and you got to teach it who's in charge so what you do is you get a big steel flapjack fry pan and smack it around like a cyclops trying to break through the castle door that makes sense oh wait was that a great big fat person man I've seen that movie so many times oh you want me to ruin it for you please if you look at Jody Foster's left eye through the whole movie this must have been pre you know she's got a red vein in the side and in her eye yeah and in the whole time you're just fixed on did they not have like cuisine or like I draw like it just it takes me out of the movie you know you're right because when you shoot like when I shoot specials and stuff they always make sure the whites of your eyes are super white right but in this movie all the way through what she's got this big red vein yeah can you make it bigger teacher right in I forget which eye but it's right there on the left yeah and it's all through the damn movie and I just it's forget Hannibal Lecter yeah this is what scares me first part the nobody put the drops in my like pulse I look at that yeah god like come on I used to think she was attractive and talented and now so this yeah the whole fucking thing is destroyed captain blood eye over here maybe someone hit her in the eye with a fry pan probably yeah probably saw the butterfly flying around that silence of the lambs you'd butterfly well yeah you'd be good playing like a creepy guy have you ever played a creepy guy or we should read for a person yeah okay I think yeah I could play a creepy guy yeah have you ever played like a dark character I did I did a kids movie for Disney called spooky buddies and I played warwick the warlock bring up warwick the warlock please yeah and I was just this creepy evil warlock that took took over the town and was trying to destroy steel everyone's puppy is this like a Halloween type of yeah look at that I'm gonna watch it this Halloween that's pretty dark right there there you - You are? - That's Warwick the Warlock. - Hey. You look good with black hair. - Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah. - It was cool. I had that staff that I have in my hand there. They had to heist me up about 70 feet in the air on a crane and strap me in. And they affixed the staff to my feet. And I had to chase children through the village in real time, they had like five kids. And I was swinging over them like 70 feet in the air as this warlock and it was so cool, like it felt real because I was literally flying after them. (laughing) And it was cool. It was fun to play. It was fun to play a dark, yeah, there I am. - Oh, there you are, that's so cool. - Oh, it was super cool. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun as an actor, that's the beauty of acting. You can tap into all these different layers of your emotional lasagna. - That's why I hate acting. - Oh, you do? - Yeah, now you just put, I couldn't figure it out for years, I don't like tapping into my emotional lasagna publicly unless it's on this podcast. Like I can cry on this show and I can cry on stage. But for some reason, acting, I always felt like, so I just felt like a big phony, where are my darts? You got my darts? - Yeah, you want another one? - Yeah. That's how do I rip darts on this show now? - It's okay. - Oh, that's interesting. You're not even, it's not lit, Harley. - Huh? (laughing) - You got to light it, buddy. - I'm acting. - Come on, buddy. - We're wicking. (laughing) - We all got a common tip. - That's how it's up. - That's a common bitch. Fuck you. Eat a dick. This what it looked like when you make homemade chicken nuggets bitch from real fucking chicken, bitch. - Yeah. - This is what it looks like when you're eating broth. - There I am. - Yeah. - This is what it looks like when you make homemade red rice. Bitch, I don't cook for you, hoes. I cook for me, myself, my mother fucking family members, and all my other folks that want to eat with the fuck I cook, bitch. So go ahead and fight me in the mother fucking comments, ho, 'cause I'm gonna keep on cooking. I'm gonna keep on posting. And y'all gonna keep on eating dick, bitch. Bye. - Like so ugly, so toxic that she could put a lobster or a peasant under glass in front of me. And I won't touch it. I don't want. Because that energy, food is a gesture. It's a gesture of love and giving, and you're taking the time to cook. When you get that attitude and that kind of mouth, that's foul, I'd rather have that fat woman from peppered farm rubbing my stomach and making me giggle. - See, I think what happened was just coming at this from a mom's point of view, is that some other mom was like, you ain't cooking shit, you're cooking sucks for your kids. And then she was like, oh yeah, bitch, here's what I cook. Is there any background on this? - Can you do smoke circles? - I used to, when I was 13. Let me see. - I have in trouble. - Here, give me the lighter, I'll tell you what's up. Oh, she can, confrontational voice over us. Give me that lighter. - Do you want me to light it or do you want to do it? - No, I don't trust you. You don't seem to know how to, I just blew smoke circles, or calamari rings. If you're a fatty on your knees, rub and strangers in a yellow tent now, child. - No. - Are you supposed to be able to? - Well, there you go. - Yeah? - Not so much a circle, but just like-- - What is it, it was a rectangle? - Like a mess. - Yeah, like a globular. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I've got to work on it. - How long have you been smoking player? - So I smoked from 13 years old to 30, and then I went to a hypnotist, and I stopped smoking until I was 50, and then the day I was like, "Oh, I gotta get it divorced." And then I just started ripping darts again. It was like I regressed to the thing that brought me so much comfort. - It's a bit of a coping mechanism now. - Yeah. - Like you'll drop it. - Yeah, yeah. - You're not gonna stick with that. - No, no, no. - It's just to kind of get through this rough time. - 100%, okay. - And I'll go back. - But what are you doing, you're sad? - I like to punch seniors. - Just such a stress relief, and I don't have to worry about lung cancer. - That's true. - And I'd love to punch the ones that already have lung cancer and say, "Why'd you smoke your whole life, granny?" - Dummy. - Wow. - Yeah. - Dummy. - No. - No, I'm gonna stop doing this. I'm gonna give myself a year, 'cause I even emailed the woman that hypnotized me the first time, and I was like, "Listen, her name is Rita Black." She's really good. If you're an LL, and you want to quit smoking, go to Rita Black. - And I feel like curing your ailments than going to a witch. - She is a very good witch. And she-- - Yeah, I quit smoking, but now I have tadpole legs. I can't figure it out. Yeah, I stopped drinking, but I just left 9,000 salamander eggs under a log this morning. - That's what I did for 20 years. - Yeah, what? - Yeah, that's what I did for 20 years instead of smoking. I would put salamander eggs under rocks. How did you know that? - Look at you. - That's so crazy. - Yeah. - Anyway, I emailed her and she was like, I won't treat you yet. She's like, I won't. She's like, you need to really blow it out. Keep doing this until you want to kill yourself basically, and then come to me. And I was like, all right, fair enough. You have to be ready to quit, is what you're saying. - Yeah. - Yeah, you know how it is. You've been smoking for years. - Yeah. Smoking hot. - Hey, oh. - Hello. - You want to watch TikToks with me? - Do I have a choice? - No. - I mean, you already stuffed a fatty a wrestler and the swearing goulay chef. - Oh, fuck, dude, I just put my cigarette in my watery ash tray. - Oh no. - Well, I didn't want it anyway. I'm done with it. - It's a sign. - It's a sign. Yeah, it's like, just smoking anyway. - Signed to quit. - No, it's what I do. - How long are you gonna keep puffing? - I think I'm gonna give myself a year of just being a mess. - Morning. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, yeah. A year of just like, okay, I'm drinking too much. I lived in my pool the entire month of August. Like I just stayed in my pool. I took, like, Zoom calls in my swimming pool. I just lived in my swimming pool. And then I ate nothing but Domino's pizza once a day at order of fat, thin crust, supreme. - What did the water do? It just sort of calmed your body. - Yeah. - Come back to the womb in the embryotic fluid type of ice. - Yes, and I'd listen to the smits. - Oh, wow, those are your neighbors. (laughs) Do you have a fence? - I do. - Okay. - Yeah. - What about the Johnson's? Did you listen to them? - I didn't listen to the Johnson's. - Okay. - No, I'm not familiar with them. - They're on the other side. - They're on the, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't talk to those folks. Okay, are you ready? (hissing sound) I could see you doing this. (hissing sound) - Who's there? - Who is that? (hissing sound) - Dick. - What a dick. - Like a lion, a jaguar, a grizzly bear, a Yeti's gonna, oh, it's just me. - I know. - It's just me, the cowardly lion. I ruff, I ruff and I ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. If I'm with the king of the forest, we all got it coming, kid. That's really good. Right? That was really good. I deserve a belly rub from a fatty. That's true. He's not going to be like, it's just me doing metal vocals. Just me hiding behind a rock. You got to take a pee. Sometimes I stop and I pee. I've been drinking coffee and water. Do you want me to kind of hold down the podcast? I can't. Yeah, I'll take care of it. I think I can't do this. So Donnie, I roll the video of the little kid chuking on his mother's face. Donnie? Donnie? Donnie, are you in the booth? Hold on, I'm looking for it. Okay, Donnie. And if you can't find that one, I think there's a video of three fat people wrestling covered in lasagna in the back dumpster at an olive garden. Get me that one. That one's a beauty. But yeah, we're taking a little pause here today, gang, Christina P. And it's right there in the name P. She's gone to take a pee. And in keeping with the integrity of the show, little did she know we have a camera under the toilet rank. So we're about to see a water show, the likes of Ether Williams never saw. She's going to be a let-knit rip, it's going to be a fine tone of laughing tent yellow. And she's going to go to town. So we hope you enjoy that. Roll the Christina P.P. Guys? Guys? Alright, well, while we're waiting, why don't we find the video of Clint Eastwood and it's the movie The Unforgiven and it's the scene where he's standing by the dead tree and he says that whole beautiful speech. We all got a common kid Because I think for reference. It's important for people. There we go guys Let's roll this and and I think it's important people see this growl it I'm doing a podcast god have some manners here the best guest ever. Oh Shh quit wrecking my podcast. Here we go Yeah, all right. Yeah wow You really like that we all have a coming kid. Yeah, I feel like you just said the same lines over and over again Clint He's always like that's what it's like killing somebody. Yeah, he's just the man a few words direct to the point But that's what gives it. It's bravado that it's it's not oversaturated. It's not too flower. It's just direct to the point He's like it's like it's like my dad would be like that like it is just like so hard. Yeah, but Hungarian So like it is what it does who cares your feelings do you speak Hungarian very poorly? But can you say it is what it is in Hungarian? Aussie Schmieden And now Aussie Schmied Aussie Assos me as as as I don't know. I don't know cuz the grammar. I don't know. I just say it is what it is Yeah, I mean those Not the same as each I don't want to watch that movie and the kid goes. He had a common mister and Clint's like He's all she did it all she did. Yeah Oh, as one as one. It's not gonna too late. This is how it is as one. Let's not wreck the movie. Hey Said at me don't dial. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay, I'll show where we go. We gotta do more talks. Hmm Are you gonna go to this tonight. What is it? It's like somebody skinned Elmo. What the hell is that? It's kill Tony. That's what you're doing tonight because I would that's the opening actually like this. Yeah, I mean too Yeah, we watch that again. Just the screaming part. Sure Like I actually think that's funny Oh That's so David Lynch. Yeah, that's right out of a David. Yeah, that's gotta be about the day the David Lynch movie. He never released. Yeah, I like it Never see that scene where that guy Bill Pullman's at a party and that weird guy walks up to him Yeah, we've met before haven't we and he goes I don't think so He goes yes as a matter of fact. I'm at your house right now He's what the hell are you talking about pulls out is when he goes call me and Bill's like what the hell any he calls he goes and he hears I told you I was here. Oh, it's great I don't know if you want to pull that one up. We can't we can't because We can't show these clips on oh you can't can't wait. I don't think we can Oh, then that was a whole wasted two minutes. It's okay. It was fun to watch you do it I like why shouldn't because you really you're into it like yeah, but now you can't even show Wait a minute, why can you show chubby rubbing strangers in a butter tent because there's no copy right you can't show an Oscar winning There's no copyright infringement. There's no copyright on chubby rubbing now. Oh, wow. Okay, here tell me if you're into this too Okay, well, but just feel bad now. Oh All right, have you ever heard a circus. Oh gay? What is this guy? I've been like following him. He's some reason he likes to do it this way and I'm not sure what the What's going on? He doesn't enjoy the comfort of a soft like Jim Matt. No, he likes to but but the fall that like he's not It's they teach you how to do his summer salt when you're like three years old like did he not Yeah, is that like the Turkish version version? Yeah, what is the upside to slamming your body on the hard concrete or marble? Is he self punishing does he feel guilty about something maybe let's see him again. I love his one. I love watching this Did he listen to George Michael and take it too seriously bam? But he can do him Maybe it's to show us that he can Yeah, is there a competition. He's preparing for where other people do it this way. I Guess she can't play music either. It's copyrighted and All I'm hearing is boy George singing all tumble for yeah Yeah, and then add a line. Oh, I'm an idiot Automble for you into New York City. Yeah, you seen this What am I missing watch the guy standing against the pole ready? See what he's doing Oh, he's he's rubbing his crack At least he's got underpants on yeah, I'm that that doesn't freak me out that much But not even when you go to put your hand on that bar to hold on you know that some dude's been rubbing his like wet butt cheeks on there Yeah, I don't know if it's wet the end these look right. It's wet because that's it's H.A. It's a it's a New York summer And yeah, I don't love it. I don't love it But I don't know that I because I'm six foot two. I don't think my hand would ever go into the anal zone I'd be like further up where the Flem and the Sars lives It was just my kids my children would be touching where his yeah, yeah, it's cool, right? I don't know kid kids have a nose for that though because kids are sort of dirty and messy So they know when they enter the ass zone, and I think they'd stay away from that. I hope so. Yeah. Are your kids smart? Yeah. Oh, yeah, very savvy. They wouldn't go near that. No, no, but at least you know What would be really repulsive as if and in New York you would think it would be a bear butt? Like the fact that this guy has the Decency to be wearing fruit of the looms and like you know that sort of just to me It's almost a bit playful and fun. I'm not as repulsed. Wow. It really yeah see I Yeah, I'm still upset that he's doing this. Yeah, it's not great But I'm not like it's it's not like I'm not like like dry. But what you're saying is you would have liked it more if he pulled his pants down No, then it would have been I would have been like in the same place you are. Yeah But yeah, that's it's it's you know, you got to remember the shape of the pole. It's tubular Yeah, so it's really not really possible for it to go too deep into the crevasse Oh, let me know with the barrier of fabric It's probably not you know, you're not going too deep into the valley. Yeah But it's still not you know, that's not proper etiquette for a dirty Rusty smelly underground subway you're in soak subway car. No By no means no All right, I love this check Is that Kenny G. Yeah, Penny G Wow You know how John F. Kennedy got taken out that day in that black limousine. Yeah, why couldn't it have been her See I like her. I want to invite her to my party that I'm having see here's the danger of playing a flute Yeah, you ever hear of the pied piper sure how so you play a flute you bend your ass over like that And you know, there's a hole there. You're just inviting an invasion right up the old-day news Like I picture if you keep this going I bet there's a nine hundred black plague rats from the Renaissance That run rate up or ours and eat her from the inside out and then about 20 minute mark They're just a skeleton stand in there looking like an idiot Glasses flute and skeleton, but I mean how incredible is it to cultivate two talents like that Like first of all just to do the hula hoop on your tush That's kind of take years to figure out I pay the extra I'd like to see your girl poo while she's doing that Would that would that would be pushed me over the Cirque de Soleil hell but just to swing him around with those blue Hillary Clinton all of garden manager pant suit pants on. Yeah, I know it sort of takes the adjo But I want to know what's happening with her right foot there. It's curled up like a Shakespeare acting slipper Well, that's how she keeps the there's a balance thing happening I don't know I wonder she lays in bed at night and picks her nose with her feet Like look how curly they are didn't own elf swear those kind of shit. It was so curly. Maybe she's an ass-hoop elf She's playing the recorder, too. Did you learn that in school? - What's the difference between a recorder and a flute? - I don't know. It's probably more like rudimentary flute. - Oh, you know what I think it is? I think a flute you play sideways. - Oh, yeah. - And a recorder you play like an idiot. - Yeah, like an idiot, yeah. It's very cool. Well, the main difference that a transverse flute is hell, oh, you did it horizontally. You nailed it. Side blown. - That's why goats and sheep love the flute the most. - Is that right? - I have sideways irises, so for them it's standing forward. - Yeah, yeah. Everybody knows that. I should have fucking known that. - You will. - Well, here we go. Yeah. - No, she carries it. Hey, hey, I like it. Well, what's interesting is looking at that crocodilian with the elongated snout. I do believe that's a more rare breed of crocodile and possibly endangered. And I don't think they should be treating it like shucky the doll, passing it around with bloons in their hair. It's like a midsummer with an infant that can eat you. You've never, you know, Hungarians on New Year's Eve, you pass a pig around. The New Year's pig, you pet the pig, you've never done that. - No. - Yeah, this is what they do in other countries. - What is the ritualistic symbolism of passing a pig around? - They just do it parties. Like you'll be at a New Year's Eve party and then around comes the pig and you're just supposed to pet it and it's like super good luck. - They don't have a bong. - It's a communist country, post-communist country. They don't have bongs. - Yo, dude, pass the pig, bro. - Oh, bro. - Oh, here you go. This is, this is your jam. You do this? Those are the different Disney outfits you can wear. When you go to Disney, do you plan your outfits for Disney in advance like this? - No. - No. - You just spontaneously wake up, you put whatever. - Yeah, and I don't know if these guys are gay or straight. - No, straight. - But I'm a man's man. Like I like my cleanest woods. I like men that are macho, that act and behave like men. Now I can't tell you if these guys are gay or straight. They look like they might be gay, but I don't wanna judge. But straight guys can do this stuff too. I just don't like the a feminizing of men in today's world. I really enjoy a man being a man. - Yeah. - And a woman being very womanly and beautiful and dressing beautiful and makeup. And it's not that you can't be grubby. But I don't know, I don't know, I'm baffled by this. I don't know where as a man this stuff comes from. And again, I appreciate if you like fashion and this and that, but it just, I don't know. You know, I just, I'm never sure about adults that are this into going to Disneyland without children. - Yeah. - And even if you're gay, it's like, I don't, I still feel like this is fucked up. - And then you're tacking on this sort of a feminine fashion show. And why does it have to be a Disneyland? Why can't you do that like at Cracker Barrel? - Well, that's what these nerds do. They like to plan out like these Disney adults. They really take care and thought into planning out the outfit before they go. Like it's a whole thing. - Is that a nerd? I feel like this is a new level of, like a nerd to me is like glasses and an eyewatch and a cheese grater. But these guys, this, I think this goes to, I don't know if I put them in nerd category. - There's something a little more unsettling about this. - Yeah, they're like, yeah, they're like adult boys, which is troubling. I think they should be banned immediately. - Well, they're adult boys, but but very feminine too. - No, I know, I look at the one on the right, it's got good boy hair where it's parted in the middle and then matched like alfalfa hair. - Yeah. - I don't like that at all. Now these two should be banned immediately. - A band from what? - Disneyland. - From Disneyland. - Call your people. - Huh? - Call your people. Tell them no. - Hang on. - Yeah, it's me. Get 'em out. - Thank you. - Lates. - Lates. - They're gone. Next video. - Next. Oh, I like this. - Don't you laugh at epilepsy. How dare you? - I love this so much. I watched this like 20 times alone last week. I mean, it's hard enough to do a windmill. - Yeah. - Like on the mall floor, but then to add the yell is so exceptional. It really adds another layer of goofiness to it, which I really like. - And even deeper to look up your own apps. - You didn't break downs in the 80s? - I didn't know. - Oh, okay. - No. It looked painful like that. That's a spectacle, but you gotta remember, that guy's probably like, you know, you're rotating on your scapulas and your spine and your pelvis and like, it's a fun show, but you pay the price when you get home. - Yeah, for sure. It hurts, but it's on that hard floor that our Hungarian friend likes to slap around on. - Anyway, thank you so much for coming in, Harland. Guys, check out the Harland Highway podcast. Go see Harland live. It's a very fun experience. You're very in the moment and you're just so funny and I appreciate you coming in. I know you just did your weekend and you're at a mothership. - Yeah. - Oh, no, no problem. - Thanks for coming in, dude. Do you have anything else you wanna plug? - You know what, I mentioned to off the air, I have this new animated series called The Art Vendures, which you can see on YouTube. It's a new animated series on YouTube. You can go to artvenduresworld.com and it's about a group of little kids who use their artistic powers to save the day. And it's all done in AI. And I know there's people that hate it, people that love it, people that are in between, but in defense of it, I'm not even gonna defend it. It's a project I pitched around Hollywood way back when they got passed on and if it wasn't for AI, it would have gone to my grave with me. So me and my brother Steve Williams and my buddy Paul in Australia is doing all the animation. We're putting this show out for kids to sort of encourage the next wave of artistic children to embrace their special artistic abilities and empower themselves and pursue their art. And so if you hate AI, then hate on it, but don't hate on the message because it's, it's a lot of artists are reclusive and shy and kind of feel out of place in the world. And this show is to kind of tap into them and show them that what they have is special and it's a gift and they should go out and use it and cherish it. - Awesome. - I love that. - So check out the art vendors. - Well my kids would love it if it's AI, actually. - Yeah. - They would love that. - And what's amazing is it looks almost like borderline Pixar and what would take Pixar to do in three years, our guy in Australia literally does two minute scenes overnight on his cell phone. - What? - And when you see the quality, you'll be like, no, and this is why I love AI because I think humans all over the planet are gonna be able to realize there are artistic dreams that they never could have tapped into before. - That's awesome. - And for people to kind of dump on AI, it's like, okay, instead of being negative and dumping on it, why don't you look into your file cabinet and see if there's something you wanna create that AI could help you do. And I think if you utilize it instead of crapping all over it, you might be like, hey, I got to put something out to the world that never would have got there otherwise. So just my opinion, you can hate or love it, but check out the art vendures. - Love it. The art vendures on YouTube go see Harlan Williams live and listen to the Harlan Highway POM cast. You'll smoke that. - Is this done? - Is it done? - I think you can. - Why do you tell me? - All right. I love you, mommy. Thank you for being here. - Bye. - No. (laughing) - Y'all gotta come and kid. (laughing) ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, oh yeah ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, this on me beat me, oh yeah ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, oh yeah ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, oh yeah ♪ ♪ This on me beat me, this on me beat me ♪ - Guys, we love to fuck the fuck good. If you're a hot boy guy, you want to fuck me in 23.95. If you want to move in, you can move in, but you got to fuck me. I don't think I need to be fucked a lot, man. Every free food, free lunch, everything else, man. He has a deal, man. [BLANK_AUDIO] (upbeat music) (upbeat music) Oh, that was good!