Jesus Never Said… “You Have to Have It All Together”

- Hey, friend, it's Laura. Welcome to the new season of the Girl Talk podcast. Today we're talking about something that Jesus never said, that you have to have it all together. After this conversation, I'll be back for the Girl Talk group chat. So stick around for that. This is the Girl Talk podcast. Things Jesus never said. - Hello there, you're listening to the Girl Talk podcast. My name is Carol. - I'm Trisha. - I'm Kelly. - And we're glad you're here today. Jesus never said you had to have it all together. - Perfection is exhausting. True or false? - Absolutely true. I added an absolutely next 100% true. - Although I don't know what perfection really would be. But the attempt at perfection is exhausting. - That's right. And social media makes it look like everyone's lives are neat and perfect and not messy. And so we hold ourselves up to that example and we exhaust ourselves. So let's dive in. But why do we feel that way? - Well, I think one of the things you said social media, I remember vividly having a conversation with a dear friend who they were posting all of this great stuff on Facebook about how great their marriage was. And at least it made it look like it was great. And I knew different. I was like, I don't know that this is not true. I don't think this is true. And so I went to this person and I was like, oh, are things looking up for you guys and your marriage? And this person was like, yeah, no, no, no, don't believe everything you see on Facebook. Just because it's on Facebook, don't believe it's true. And so it was a reflection for me as well. Because I remember thinking, well, if their marriage is doing great and I think it's a hot mess, then my marriage is not as good as I think it is. You know, and it made me start thinking and double thinking and questioning how good my own marriage was. And questioning whether or not I had it all together. - Right, well, that's exactly what happens. It's comparing ourselves, right? If you see somebody's post and it's a wonderful post, okay, that's one thing. But when you see somebody's wonderful post and then it makes you question your life, that's comparison. I would love to get to the place where I see something good about a friend of mine. And instead of that being an indictment on me, I just am cheering for them. - Feel great, yeah. - But when I'm feeling my most insecure, I see somebody's good news and it automatically makes me feel badly and compare myself. The third comparison is the thief of joy. We know that, but we still do it. And I don't know why. - Yeah, yeah, I wish I had an answer to that. And in addition to that, I think we say we're okay when we're really not. Because we are afraid that that vulnerability will make us look less than, you know what I'm saying? So if you post what's really going on, I love a couple of years ago, you did a Christmas card of your family, the before outtakes. - The outtakes and it was hysterical. And I loved it so much. But I think even that is vulnerable. You know, to say we don't have it all together and this is the outtakes of our Christmas photo. And I loved it. It was my favorite Christmas card I got that year. But we don't do that on a regular basis because vulnerability can make you feel less than. Especially when you're comparing your less than this to someone else's perfection. And we all know that social media is not a true measure of a relationship or financial status or how someone feels about themselves or what they're struggling with. We know that in our heads but sometimes our hearts don't catch up with it until much later. Or that's the way it is for me. - You know, we've talked often on this podcast about the sin of pride. And I think a lot of this comes back to a reflection on me. Like I want you to look at me. I want you to think good things about me. I want you to like me. And so which at base level are not wrong things. Right. But if that's my entire motivation for what I am saying, doing, posting, thinking and how I'm interacting with the world, then it is such a slippery slope and to pride. You know, that's such a funny word pride. I've dug into this a little bit because I used to think pride meant, I think I'm great. - Yeah. - And I think I'm better than other people. But did you know insecurity is pride just disguised with a little like fake mustache. I mean, insecurity is pride. And pride is based on insecurity. And I think if you dig down one more level, there's fear there, fear of rejection. - Yeah. - And I think that's one of the reasons we put out a perfection, we try to seem perfect because we're so scared. I will say I am so scared of being rejected. Like if you knew who I really was, you would reject me. And so I better put out some different energy or something that you like so that you won't reject me. - Yeah. - I think that's a lot of the fear of that. - Yeah, you know, I deal with that a lot in my role here at the station being in leadership, that I feel like because I'm in leadership, that especially the people on my team, though, I know many of them are gonna be watching this podcast and so I don't want them to feel one way about that. But I want to be seen by them as a capable leader. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And like I have it all together. And so they're often times that that grips the things that I say and it brings in a new level of anxiety into how I interact and how I do things because I want to be seen as having it all together. You know, I want, I don't want anybody to look at me and go, what is she doing in that role? - Yeah. - Like a right, she's leading. - Where are we going? - I need to wait. - Wait a minute, because I don't have it together. - Yeah, I want to ask a question here, because why is it that vulnerability, somehow lessons are ability, you know what I'm saying? - Well, I'll tell you, I'll tell you a very personal story. - Okay. - Where I actually, I didn't lie. It wasn't an outright lie, but I absolutely let my team believe something that wasn't true last month. I walked into a staff meeting, into our team meeting with my face all blotchy and I had the sniffles and they were like, oh, are you sick? And I was like, I don't feel well, I don't feel well right now. And that is the absolute truth. But the reason why my face was blotchy was because I had just had a great cry fest because somebody had really, really made me mad. And that's my result. - Well, I didn't feel comfortable saying that out loud. It's like one person knows now all my whole team knows, but one person was the only person who knew who could tell could see right through it. And was like, oh, I don't know what's going on in your face. But why are we like that? Like, why do I feel like I've got to go in, having it all together instead of being able to be vulnerable and say, yeah, I just cried. And I am a woman and that's what women do. When we get mad and when we get sad and when we get, all the things, yeah, so I mean, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have this pressure of feeling like I've got to keep it all together. But I do want, and I want to be strong and I want to be confident in the things, in the way I live my life. - That's an interesting dimension that I hadn't thought about because you are a leader. And as a leader, you want the people that follow you to feel comfortable securing your leadership. So that's different ripple that I hadn't thought about. But then when you take that a little further, we're all leading someone, maybe our kids or somebody and some capacity or friends or whatever. So that is interesting. But I think the best kind of leaders are the ones who do show some vulnerability and some weakness. That makes me feel like I can understand them and approach them better. - And I don't have to fake. - Yeah, it gives you permission, it gives you permission. - Yeah, so when I went through my divorce, I went through a very painful time. But it was very public because I was working here and I had to change shifts because of my schedule and because of my daughter, all that going on. And I thought, in fact, I spent a great amount of time feeling a lot of shame. Number one, because of marriage has had failed. And I think anybody who's gone through that will say there's a fair amount of shame that goes along with that. But I thought my ministry here is over, it's done. Like I will never be able to speak because I thought it was my job to have it all together. What I realized was, and the days following that painful time and I wouldn't wish that upon anybody, but what I realized was that people started showing up and saying, you're just like me. I had never set myself apart to say I wasn't a normal person that bleeds when I get cut and cries when my heart hurts. But there's a projection of expectation on you. that just comes with being a leader, being in leadership. And then when you go through that, it was not opened up so many more doors for me in ministry after that brokenness. And I think it was because me having it all together glorified me and actually admitting that I didn't glorify God. Because when you think about it, all of us come to God with nothing to offer. Like, I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings today. But really, I have nothing to offer, but my broken heart and I need a savior. And so admitting that places the glory where it belongs on God. And me trying to act like I have it all together and I'm in control, that glorifies me. And that was the big lesson that I learned throughout all of that. That's not the case in every situation. But for me, it was, it was a very real moment. I had to say, you know, okay, I don't have it all together and my life is literally crumbling. Everything I had thought I built was in rubble. Isn't that amazing how God can use something that is would be seen as your worst moment or your toughest moment and then teach you the biggest lesson there? So I hear you turning the corner on shame. And I think whether it's whatever it is in our lives, I think shame, it comes back down to shame. And when we feel ashamed of ourselves, ashamed of what we did, ashamed of what was done to us, we try to fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it. And that is perfectionism. When we try to fix it ourselves. And it doesn't ever work. And it's a shame cycle. You try to fix it. Maybe you'd go for just right, but it's never enough. And so you keep on going. And when you're in that perfectionistic cycle, and I know because I've dealt with it, it's never enough. And even if you have a success, even if something goes the way you want it to, you're just lifting the bar up and making it harder for you to reach the bar the next time. So it's an unending, not satisfying cycle, but what you're talking about is releasing that control to God. And you were able to do that because you literally came face-to-face that you had nothing left. Right. And I get it. I understand that. And God had to take me there. You know, it wasn't something I willingly said. OK. Yes, take everything away, you know, and that sounds a lot more godly than it was, it was literally because I had nothing left. And I was like, this is either Jesus is real and what he said is true. Or it's the biggest lie I've ever fallen for in my life. And I was at a crossroads where I had to decide which was true. And praise God that I was able to just stay in the word and read those promises and know that God had a greater story he was writing and that I got to be a part of it. Now, there were a lot of hard days. I didn't get over that just in a moment. But there were a lot of hard days. But I think the important thing that I want people to hear is that we've got to create an environment where vulnerability is not a weakness. Yeah. Well, it also, you know, when we have-- when we strive for perfection, we strive for-- to look like we have it all together. It also sets such a high bar that non-Christians, non-believers don't want any part of that. You know, they look at us and go, well, I'm broken. I can't be a-- you know, I can't be like that. She has it all together. You know, I can't-- I don't have it all together. So I can never be a Christian. Right. And it's all worth yet. They see the-- they see when we don't do it. Yeah. When they put it to that as they think. So we become hypocrites. Yeah. That's how the world sees us as either as unapproachable and holier than now, or total hypocrites because we're trying to look like we've got it all together when we don't. So if we just brought our brokenness, brought our accountability-- I mean, brought our authenticity, brought the real us and our vulnerability to it. Again, we could do so much more for the kingdom. We could attract so many more people who want the saving grace of Jesus because they've seen His work in us. I was reading into this some because perfectionistic mindset is something that I have really battled against. And one way you can tell if this is a battle for you is ask yourself, how do I handle it when I make a mistake? So we're talking about the vulnerability. We're talking about things that sometimes happen out of our control. But how do you handle it when you make a mistake? And the perfectionist mindset says, fix it, fix it quick, fix yourself, fix a situation, do something because if you don't fix it, that means failure and failure means rejection. And you-- I mean, that, again, I think is what it goes back down to. I will be rejected if I'm vulnerable. I will be rejected. Somebody doesn't love me. I will be rejected if I don't put out this image that looks perfect. But you're 100% right. That's never bringing anybody into Christ. into relationship with Christ. But the truth of the matter is that that rejection is very real. There are people who are going to reject you because of fill in the blank. 100 different things. I'm not everybody's cup of tea, and I know that. And there are some people I drive absolutely netty. And I know that, and that's OK. That's why God made us all different. And that's why I think it's-- we all get back to identity and no one who we are in Christ. That's why that's so foundational is because, yes, there are going to be people who reject you. Yes, there are going to be people who don't like you. Yes, there are going to be people who-- you're not their cup of tea. That's why you got to have your identity firmly rooted in who God says you were. That's right. And that is linked to knowing that you're loved by God. Right. And that's been the battle that I've faced lately. Yes, right. Because the identity piece, without the love piece, I know it doesn't stick the same way. If you know you're loved by God. And so that's what I've been digging into lately. Right. And I don't think that you just believe it once in that's the end of it. I think that's a lifelong process of revisiting that. Going back to the gospel each and every day of our lives. It's not a one-time deal. God's love is not something you just like-- oh, it's like the old marriage analogy. You know, well, I told you once when we got married. Do I need to tell you again? I mean, you think about that. But God is telling us every day that He loves us. There's a world He's created for us to enjoy beauty that He creates for us every day that says, I love you, I love you. And we just-- we run past it. We get so busy. And we don't recognize those things. We also let our feelings drive us. And that's part of our problem. Is it instead of saying, instead of making it a head choice, God loves me, God loves me, God loves me, we start to try to make it a feelings choice. And we go, oh, I feel loved by God. Well, you may not feel that. You may not. You may feel abandoned and rejected and alone. And so you have to constantly remind yourself, I am loved. I am chosen. I am wanted. I am adopted. I am His and not let our feelings drive all of our emotions. And I'll tell you what's helped me with that, because I do tend toward that, is asking the Holy Spirit to reveal God's love for me and being still enough to listen. No, that right there it is, being still enough to listen. Yep. Those two things, the prayer, allowing and asking the Holy Spirit to reveal God's love and then listening, listening. And the times that I've done that, He's responded. And I prayed the other day, this is going to be real vulnerable. I was on my bed. I'm like, do you love me? I mean, do you really love me? Is this real? Am I making this up? Like, please, Holy Spirit, reveal your love to me. And I had this moment. And I was in the Scripture. And I had already worshipped. So I was in the right posture. And I felt that God said to me, yes, I love you. And my love is beyond what you can understand. He gave me the image of the ocean, unfathomable, beyond what you can understand. He said, you can't understand it, but you can accept it. And then I thought, that's amazing. I'm crying. Is this really from God? Am I imagining this? And I went back to, where am I? I'm here. I'm seeking the Lord. I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me, is what I felt like I felt from God, heard from God. Is that in line with the Scriptures? Yes. Is it in line with other things that God's told me? Yes. So I believe that was from God, because sometimes, you know, I'm wondering, it's what I'm hearing from God or am I making it up? Yeah. Sure. But I felt like he really answered that prayer for me with that image. Yeah. Absolutely. So let's talk about what Jesus did say. How did Jesus say about having it all together? What comes to mind? I mean, I think the first thing that came to mind for me, just in this very moment, is that God said, I have it all together for you. Yeah. You know, Jesus said, I've paid the price. I'm the way. I've done the work, the life. I'm the way, the truth, and the life. There is nothing you can do to earn my favor, to earn my love, to earn a greater place in heaven or a greater place in my, yeah, in my favor, like you are. You loved just the way you are, come to me, and I will do all of the work, and you have to do none of it, just trust me and have faith in me, and give me your life and surrender to my will. And don't you think that's where we get stuck because we are not used to love that is not based on our performance, like that is all we know, and so that is our limited capacity to understand. That's why we do all those things, that's why we serve and go to the, I don't have anybody working there, let me work in the nursery, I don't have anybody fill out the styrofoam cups on Wednesday night, I'll fill up the styrofoam, we volunteer for everything but cause we feel like we have got to, you know, if the good outweighs the bad, you hear that, oh yeah, but we just don't know that kind of love apart from our performance. So I think that's where some of that comes in to play, right? Yep, I think one of the other things that scripture is very clear about and Paul, because he wrote so many of the letters, he's very clear about in the things that he writes, and because Paul had all kinds of issues, all kinds of issues, one of them was this thorn he had in his flesh, I'm not sure if it's, we don't know if it's an actual thorn, if it was a calamity of some sort, or if it was a person that really got on his ever-loving nerve. It was probably me, yeah, but he's kept asking God to take it away, please take it away, please take it away, because it's making me weaker and God said, I am made perfect in weakness. I can, yes, boast in that weakness, I can actually use your weakness, but if you pretend you have it all together, if you pretend you're strong, if you pretend you don't have a thorn in your flesh, I can't use you, you're not usable to me, right? You're only usable to me through your weakness, and so boast in that weakness. And that's his encouragement to us, not of your sufficiency, but of mine, that's right. Mine being God. That's exactly right. Because it's to be still. That's not, you know, that's not something of us doing something, being impressive. Be still. Be still. I love that. Don't worry. I love that. One of my favorite scriptures is Exodus 14, 14, where the Lord says, be silent, be still different versions. Be silent. Be still. I will fight for you. Yeah. And so it's, you know, to me, it also says, I don't have to do the striving. You know, I don't have to do the work that Jesus has fulfilled on the cross. Jesus has done it all, and I just have to be me and the way he made me, right? Not as a license to sin, but as a license to trust. Right. That's right. You don't have to have it all together because Jesus finished that work on the cross on your behalf. If you're listening to this podcast today and you're like, I don't think I've ever really visited the gospel. I want to invite you to text the word Jesus to 81891. What's going to happen is we're going to send you the gospel. That plainly says we bring nothing to the table. Jesus paid the price on the cross for your sin and for mine so that we could live in right relationship with God. So if you've never done that before, before we get out of here today, text the word Jesus to 81891, nothing with the realest more than for you to know Jesus today. And you know what? We're going to save you a seat. Next time we gather around these microphones for the next Girl Talk podcast, see you then. In the chat, in the Girl Talk group chat, we had several folks popping in. Stacey said, yes, I try to fix the world and control all the situations. I'm slowly learning that it's not possible and to stop trying to control all of the situations and the outcomes. And I think that's just that like, I'm not God. You are sort of thing, but is there anything that you can kind of speak into that as far as like, just say and to like of that control and like practical ways to do that? I can't remember. I learned this prayer and it's from a Bible study. I can't remember what the name of it is at this moment, but it said this was the prayer. I can't God can so I'm going to let him and that's been one of the most powerful prayers I've ever prayed because when I come up a situation, I come home up on a situation in where I have to come face to face with my humanity. I pray that I can't God can so I'm going to let him not that I have any control over God, but that I'm I'm submitting my will to God's will and letting him do that. It's kind of like an easier version of the serenity prayer. Yeah. God grant me the wisdom to change the things I can. The wisdom. Yeah. Go and acknowledge to know which is what I can't God can't let him do it. That's right. That's right. And to not hit anybody in between, right, right, yeah, and something that's helped me just really practically is this visual. Yeah. Of this. Yeah. Just as simple as that is opening up my hands. We can't receive if we've got bald fists through and just relaxing and releasing and trusting God, but I'll do that several times a day when I feel like I'm holding on and I get it. I get exactly that thing. I need to fix it. I need to fix it. Oh no. Maybe I just need to open up my hands and let God do what I can. Yeah. So another practical way that I've done that is I have a little white envelope in my Bible at home and it just says, I'm trusting God on the front of the envelope and I put things in there. And anytime that I start taking those back, I go open that envelope and I take those things out. And I'm like, okay, this is not mine. I put them back in the envelope as a way for me to say I am continuing to trust you with this situation. I have one more very practical. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. I, you know, when we picture heaven, it's oftentimes we picture God on clouds way up here in the sky. And so I just lean into that. I lean into picturing God with the world below him. And he can see yesterday, today and tomorrow, and he can see the entire thing that I can't see. Yeah. I can only see this little bit of the world, my little five foot of space that I take up. And yet he can see the entire thing. That's right. And so if I just remind myself, okay, he has a different perspective than I have, then I can let go of this because I don't know what the future holds. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And this is kind of long, but this is totally worthwhile and I think we've all been here. She said, I've got three kids and eight year old, a three year old and a one year old. Bless you. I love you. We love you. God bless you. And she said, for three months, we struggled so hard with illness in our household. And I felt so upset because our group couldn't meet or get together to study and be in the word together. I guess like a life group. She said, at one point, I felt God saying, or I felt like saying, God, are you telling me to stop? And she said, of course, the women in my group loved on me and told me that they completely understood and realized that I was the one setting the bar and I was pulling me away from what was important. That's good. Now I see it as God was giving us rest and time for healing. I also saw that I'm a mother first before a leader and I was complaining because I felt I was a leader because I felt as a leader, more was expected from me. I know I have a responsibility to make it work, but instead of making it mine, I needed to put in his hands to rest and allow him to take control. Yeah, that's good. I love that. That's good. And I think what y'all were talking about earlier with TK said that she feels like she can approach a leader when they're more vulnerable and that's scripture, right? Like we have a high priest who is not unable to sympathize with us. Yeah, it says, we don't have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way just as we are, yet he did not sin. That's right. He's always about his father's business, so he wasn't trying to be everything to everyone and he was God, right? So for us to realize that limitation and to realize, hey, like I'm a mom first, I'm a daughter of God first. Like that's the important stuff. So way to go Kimberly in realizing that. I've just had this, in real quick, I just had this picture in my mind. We said all things to all people. God does not change. That's right. Right? He is the same. He does not change and he asks all the people to come to him, but he doesn't try to be all things to all people. He's the one true God. He doesn't do anything that's inconsistent with that, but he says, y'all come. You just hear some invitation. You just come. And that to me is so mind blowing. Why do we think we have to be all things to all people when the perfect God just says I'm inviting all people to come to me, right? Yeah. Does that make sense? It's good. You never are going to be all things to all people, you're not, you're going to be worn out. What you're going to be if you try to do that. Yeah. Absolutely. One last one, Sarah just said, I've always struggled with letting someone else help. I feel like I have to carry it all because people have let me down so much. She said God's still working on me, like good news slash, like God's still working on all of us. If you've arrived, then you're in heaven. And we can get in that dangerous place, and I don't say you're here, you're there, but we can get in that dangerous place of serving out of pain instead of out of a calling. Yeah. And I think that's dangerous because we serve to get something that we need to be looking to God for instead of serving to get that thing because that won't ever satisfy. So I just, just be careful with that because we can say, I'm going to do it because nobody can do it right. If I don't do it, you know, we get that kind of mentality, but we can actually serve from a place of woundedness instead of a place of calling. And that gets us into a dangerous sidewalk. So let's talk about, just quickly, how do we know the difference between the two. Is it motive? Yes. It is motive. I think you have to examine your heart. There's a difference between God's calling you to do something and serving because you have a need, a woundedness. Serving out of that woundedness, you're always looking to other people to make you feel better. You're walking around with an empty bucket going, "Will you put something in my bucket?" Fill it up. We put. And only Christ can do that. And so you end up continually being disappointed because nobody can fill up your bucket because there's a hole in it. Yeah, they're all lies. Yeah, that's exactly right. And you end up serving and being bitter against the people who you're serving because they're not doing anything for you. That's because you weren't serving because you're called. You're serving because you're wounded. And only Christ can provide that for you. So yeah, that's good stuff. All right, that's it for the GirlTalk Group chat for this one. But couple of quick GirlTalk things before we get out of here. You can always text the word talk to 81891. If you want to stay up to date with the live recordings, the next one is going to be September 22nd. Same time, same place. So put that on your calendar because we want to hang out with you then. But if you sign up for our text, then you'll know that already and you won't be like, "When do I have to do this?" Because you're just going to know because we're going to text you. So that's talk to 81891. Also, like, subscribe to wherever you listen to podcasts. So that you can get that as soon as we send it out on a Wednesday. And then also leave us a review, but only if you like us. Because it does help ladies find out about the podcast and we want more people to get closer to Jesus than to find community. And if you don't like us, send us an email. (upbeat music)