118. Jeremiah Watkins, Louis Katz, Andre Kim | Talent

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Lower the drawbridge over the moat and let us in. Things that aren't even European. Yeah. Pet dragons, soccer. We're coming. Four separate cities, four separate nights. June 1st, we're going to be in Dublin, Ireland. June 2nd, in Glasgow, Scotland. June 3rd, in London, England, mate. And June 5th, in Amsterdam. That's right, folks. Amsterdam. That's right. We're going to get AIDS. And drugs. Look, it's going to be the best. We're bringing some of our friends from the States and we're going to be getting some of the best comedians from Europe, England, the UK, and all over the place to be a part of these shows. The first time that we're ever doing these shows internationally and we're coming over the pond. No matter where you're at, go right now to our website. Get those tickets, okay? Travel. Come see us. This is going to be so much fun. These are big venues. We need you to come and we need you to bring friends for double points. Yay. Go to lewisofskanks.com. Or bigjcomedy.com to grab your tickets today before they're gone. All right, Story Warriors. Before we start today's show, you need to know that me and Big J are always on the road coming to a city near you. You can see us next together at Skankfest. That's right. Next weekend is Skankfest X. Skankfest's 10th anniversary. We're doing three separate Story Wars shows every single day at the festival. You can still get single day passes. So get them now and come check out Story Wars Live. Plus $160. 75 other incredible comedians. After that, I'm on the road in Poughkeepsie, New York at Laugh It Up Comedy Club on November 21st. After that, I'll be in South Bend, Indiana on December 11th. I'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan on December 12th. Hobart, Indiana on December 13th. And then come celebrate New Year's Eve with me at Sidesplitters Comedy Club in Tampa, Florida. Crack Amico, Zack Amico on the shows. It's going to be a whole party ringing in the new year. Plus that weekend after in Tampa. To get those tickets and more. Go to bigjcomedy.com for all my dates. I'm all over the road. Skankfest is happening. Burt Kreischer's Cruise is happening. I'm on both of those. I have Louisville coming up beyond that. Stress Factory, Thanksgiving weekend. Right after Christmas, I'll be at Helium Philadelphia and so much in between. Bricktown Comedy Club, Oklahoma City. Hitting that red dog afterwards. Get your tickets for all those shows right now. Bigjcomedy.com. Fill her up. Your love. Listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Give it up for the Story Warriors. Big J. Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez. What is up, Story Wars? Make some fucking noise in your New York, would you please? Another sold-out show here at the massive, cavernous New York Comedy Club in the East. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Man, it's fucking bright as shit in here, no? It is pretty bright in here. Why is the grandma's house lights on? I don't know. Can we fix that, Serafina? Can you go yell at someone? You think Serafina is the person to technically fix things? Serafina, can you switch-- Serafina, can you-- Yeah, she figured it out herself. Serafina, can you jog in slow motion back and forth across the room? Yeah. Serafina, hold this buoy and grab me popcorn. How many people in this room are familiar with the game Story Wars? Serafina, please jump on the trampoline right now real quick. Just for a second. Oh, sorry. Who's not familiar with the game Story Wars? Yeah. Fuck you. Fuck you, lady. It's a sweet lady. Stop cursing around. No, no, dude. We're equal opportunists like Cornell University. Fuck you, lady. Thank you for being here. If you're not familiar with the game Story Wars or it's your first time here, it's a very simple game that we will explain once we get our amazing panel of contestants up here. You guys ready to meet your contestants tonight? Our first contestant with a record of 0 and 1. You're on Story Wars. He's got a special called The Best Comedian You've Ever Heard of available on YouTube. Make some noise for the hilarious Louie Katz. Louie Katz. Louie, very happy to have you back on the show. Last time, it was an embarrassing performance. Yeah. That bringing up to my record has really already started me below ground. Oh, no. Here we go. I really want to throw it on the ground. I want to knock it over the tablets. Fuck. Somebody's on the Reddit. Our next competitor, 1 and 1 in Story Wars competitions. He's got a great show called Stand Up On The Spot. Brand new special, Crazy Pizza, out now on YouTube. Put your hands together for Jeremiah Watkins. one and one in Story Wars competition, has got a great show called Stand Up On The Spot. Jeremiah, in from L.A., thanks for being here, bud. Yeah, thanks for having me back, guys. Excited to be back on Story Wars, baby! Jeremiah, you are a story warrior. You've danced the dance, you've walked the walk, my friend. What do you think you're going to do? How are you going to use that experience in tonight's competition? Well, what I think I'm really excited about is getting to a point in the show where there's double points. Because the thing is, when you lose the show, you're not allowed to say double points. Usually we wait until the second half to do the double point announcement. It's a DP kind of day. miss can you wake up how depressed are you holy shit we got a goth girl in the front row she's like look alive she's not even here dude she died in 1995 she's that girl i fell in love with in the godsmack album cover hell yeah she's a tim burton rough draft pay attention coralline let's go last but not least our final contestants and now you can catch them all over New York City performing and all over the road performing to sold out audiences make some noise for the first time on Story Wars the hilarious Andre Kim alright what's up dude Andre you are our DEI hire. That's what I figured. We had Louie and Jeremiah. We're like, we need somebody that's brown, and Asian was the closest thing we can come up with. That's crazy, bro. If you're Chinese, I think India's right there. Okay. I'm Korean. South. Thank Christ. Thank God. Thank Christ. Story Wars is a very simple game. If you're not familiar with it, it's your first and most thing at home. All five of us on this panel, including Louis and myself, had submitted three to five stories on one particular topic. Tonight's topic, Louis? Talent. Alex, our lovely producer, is going to take eight of those stories and read them off one at a time. It will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, You get one point. So when it's your story, you can get up to four points by fooling everybody on the panel. That's a huge opportunity. Do not waste it if it's your story. You could have one story read. You could have two in a row, three in a row. You could even have zero stories pulled. Everyone has submitted three to five stories, and it has all randomly generated the order. Once you type the name on your tablet and slide over the little thing to lock it, that means it's locked. You can't change your answer. We actually don't have the programming and coding to do that. We don't have our own Andre Kim, if you know what I mean. We don't. Andre, we're going to have you hang out after the show and see if you can recode this. Okay, I will. And I'll tell you right now, listen to me. We're going to have so much fun. Old lady in the back. This is going to probably be the last fun thing you do in your entire life. She is not old! She's an old lady. It's going to be so much fun. This is going to be bucket list for you. But I'll tell you right now, lady, we're not playing for fun. Jay, let them know what we're playing for today. I hate your behavior. tonight every week here on story wars we're playing for a book from the story wars library today's winner will take home making woodblock prints by merlin chesterman and rod nelson ah fuck yeah master woodmakers and platonic friends merlin chesterman and rod nelson they had to put that in there they were platonic for sure non-homosexual couple they've teamed up to pen the modern handbook on the chinese trade of woodblock printing learn the history behind the art as two older men guide you through your first proper hand strop two older two older straight men that are definitely not fucking showing you how to correctly tongue a groove drill deep pocket holes oh come on now and safely ink rub your wood that's insane hell yeah who knew dude you this is a page turner this might be one bathroom session unless i finish in the middle if you know what i mean i'm excited about this book i mean i've read it twice but i want to keep it in the library everyone's excited all right i think everybody who's gonna get it gets it and if not you'll pick it up along the way but is this crowd ready for war new york comedy club semi older lady in the back are you ready for war ready for war and alex please story number one story number one a kid in my family was told that they were quote the most talented artist in the world i took offense to that and immediately challenged them to an art contest i won and they cried so this person became the most talented artist in the world that day now i'm assuming that this is some chinese tiger mom shit this is andre kim's family he had a he had a fucking whittle his own uh violin afterwards and do some old lady's toenails a lot of talent a lot of musical talent a lot of art talent in the asian communities louis jewish they are the fucking least talented people on the planet they run the world but for some reason they have no talent it's insane true dude you try to play a fiddle on a roof gotta have fucking toes like talons um this does feel asiany to me like talent challenges in a household seems like something that a mom's yelling at everyone with like woodwinds and shit if you lose i drown you that can be only one aren't you glad you decided to be on the show dude i told jeremiah's boy chris i'm like they're gonna do a bunch of asian accents not asian that's the only reason i was perfect south korean that is true which is different it would be racist if i was doing like japanese like i was i came oh ching chong ching chong ching chong that's crazy that's fucked up that is that was fucked up we're being accurate right now yeah no i just do i'm sorry i pull out my impressions like louis mom was like it was like oh it's okay if you're not talent don't even do any art oh louis you're killing me with your talons that is a perfect louis cat's mom fantastic and you're playing with your schmeckle you should be in piano please that's not just a jewish woman that is specifically louis mom oh yeah no they're all jews i don't know this could be an asian story just because of the last sentence it sounds like a badly dubbed asian karate movie like i won and they cried much sadness was brought to the village so you think you can draw pokemon do you fuck uh andre's not even denying it really what's going on andre i should have made this a lot yeah what i didn't i didn't no whatever what oh oh no what is he cracking under pressure a little bit i don't even know what's happening yeah i don't know jury let our witness show that maybe just short-circuited hmm i don't know if he's playing some kind of next level game we're just trying to get inside of our heads i think it's either louis or andre on this one that's what i think i i i i'm so confused louis you said at one point you said something about like drawing something which made which was specific when this just says talented artist why when i assume when i assume artists i assume drawing or painting or when we threw it over to andre it was all about instruments and spelling could be all of them that's true now here's the thing jeremiah is a talented artist across the board he plays saxophone does impressions can you draw or do any art like that jeremiah not really hmm oh shit he's a terrible liar what the fuck what was that why is he falling apart he's seducing you that's intense our our panel's being very mum today good though i do another impression of uh andre's mom oh you think you're most talented artist i show you that is very asian challenging someone and also so here's the thing i remember in um the sixth grade i had a french class and one of the kids had like a perfect like or a seventh grade i guess had per like perfect like hundreds across the board and this kid got like a 97 on a test and this kid cried in class because he did not have a perfect score and this kid was asian andre kim this is a very asian type of thing to be challenged by your family to cry because you lost why did jeremiah smile so weird though it's like poker dude what is this yeah yeah he's locked in yeah no i i'm competitive but uh not so much with art i'm locking in jeremiah yeah yeah yeah that feels crazy i'm locked in when you just asked him he he smiled at you yeah why jeremiah andre um well i just want to wait till jeremiah's locked in i say jeremiah because this is not me okay just because it's not you yeah i also think he's a terrible liar that's fair enough that is true that's why he was banished from the kill tony band years ago so it's like you are a fucking liar jeremiah and you're not good at it or maybe i'm too honest uh all of our answers are locked in alex whose story was story number one story number one oh fuck me get off my dick you piece of shit big j fuck you no fucking way no fucking way wow okay all right let's see you i by the way i was i was thinking this could be you i really was i don't know why so i swear to god i was and then i immediately went to andre because of his weird fucking reaction it was bizarre it was very bizarre yeah yeah uh jay tell us a story who was this all your siblings are 10 years younger than you right this wasn't a sibling this was my sweet daughter who's sitting over there uh when she was like eight yeah her mom's there too and she knows the story when she was like eight years old she came out of the room and she drew something you know shitty like an eight-year-old withdrawal and and her mom was fawning over it she went too big i was like it's good sure but her mom was like oh my god you and it wasn't the world she said you're the best artist in the house oh my god you're the best artist in this house if she would have said the world it was so far so i probably wouldn't have chimed in she said in the house which made okay maybe she's better than you but she's definitely not better at art than me and i'm not an amazing artist by any stretch but i'm fine and then she was like no you're the best artist now so then i challenged her to an immediate drawing contest to draw the same thing and i dusted her in it dusted her and then when she was old enough later when we laughed at that together she told me a part that i forgot was when she started crying i then drew a picture of her crying but fantastic artist now i mean she's unreal better than i could ever be because i tiger mommed her uh alex where are points at i mean jay cleans clean sweep for jay and fern one fuck in first place with four points big jay oakerson super early alex story number two story number two as kids my friend and i were obsessed with star wars we choreographed our own lightsaber duels and auditioned for our middle school's annual talent show for weeks we met up and rehearsed like we were preparing for a broadway opening but ended up being rejected during the audition process This is some nerd virgin shit. This is Jeremiah. I thought this was Jeremiah. Like, he was a virgin until he was 38 years old. For sure. But this also could be. Wait, I have two kids. How does the math work on that? You have two kids? I do. Oh, shit. Add sex twice. Unprotected. Yeah. Left it in. Yeah. Raw, baby. Hell yeah, doggy. Cream Pie City. Clean up after yourself. Jeremiah. What if when we said Cream Pie City and started doing the who, who, the only person who was that sweet young lady back there? Young lady. You're calling her a young lady now. Cream Pies. Yeah, yeah. You mean Aunt May from Spider-Man? I know how to fucking treat people. She looks like Meryl Streep. Aunt May. Yeah. I'm not trying to ruin that guy's. I'm not trying to ruin the gigolo she paid to be with her tonight's night. Man, it's Star Wars. So it could be any of us because all of us are a little autistic. That's true. That's not true. I was not a Dewey. That's not true, yeah. I was not at all a Dewey in high school. Still don't like Star Wars. Never liked Star Wars. You never liked it? Not really. That's what someone would say. Yeah, definitely you, Lewis. Just so you know, Lewis says. That was a red flag. Yeah. Yeah. At the same time he was ignoring Star Wars, he was auditioning for musical theater. So let's not let him judge all of us. Listen to me. I'm a master of the force, but it's a different type of force. You would like Star Wars if it was like lightsabers. Lightsabers fighting out in space. In a galaxy far, far away. I can't believe that he was my father. Lewis, I am your father. Oh, I just was stabbed. Oh, no. I'm still getting Jeremiah vibes. I mean, look, Andre, you would assume Asian kids, Star Wars. That's very. But you're not typically Asian. You're like. What do they call Uyghur Asians? What is that? Uyghur Asians. Uyghur Asians. What is. Calm down. You guys said chiggers. Yeah. Yep. The guy. Security, get this guy a blue ribbon. Number one answer. Security, help him. Give him a free drink. I thought that was racist, but look at the board. Two points for that guy. 99 people out of 100. Shocking the guy missing teeth yelled that out. I got some name for him. Chiggers. It's tattooed on his inner forearm. He sings a song from Animaniacs. Chiggers. Yeah, I mean, I would say. I'm not saying Andre. Andre, I have a feeling was. He had like a nice like ninja motorcycle in high school or something. He wasn't doing Star Wars stuff. Louis is a little bit of a nerd. There's some nerdy shit. Yeah. I'm just saying. Was I? You don't think you're a nerd? I don't know. Am I? Well, I mean, he's out outflagging me now. I'm intimidating. Were you a popular high school kid? Yeah. You were, okay. Popular. You don't have to apologize. Yeah, popular. You could be lying. No. Why are you saying it like that? I believe you completely. No, you were popular. That's crazy. Popular in high school? Okay. I was popular the whole time. All right. Now I think it's Louis because this lie that he's sticking to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Super popular. Yeah. Okay. I believe you. Why can't you picture me being popular? I'm not judging you. I wasn't. No, no, no. There's some judging. Your glasses, your height, your religion, all of these reasons. Yeah. I guess, yeah. That stuff was part of it. I still think choreographed. I'm seeing Jeremiah choreographing or Asians are born choreographers. I don't know if you watch Nargis Got Talent. You said that last. You said that last time with the Asian thing. It was wrong. Jabberwocky. That is true. The Jabberwocky's off. When they take their masks off, a lot of them are Asian. Yeah. There's really just one guy over and over again. It's the Clone Wars. Speaking of Star Wars. I'm getting Jeremiah and Louis vibes right now. It's 100% Louis. Look at how he's saying this. Look, me. Who, me? I don't think. I talk this up all the time. But I don't think Louis really probably did give too much of a shit about Star Wars. No. Not at all. That's the thing. Obsessed with Star Wars is a thing. And when I was a kid, I was obsessed with pro wrestling. Guys. Dudes. Penis. If instead I was obsessed with penis and me and my friends blew each other after school and didn't tell anybody about it, then it would be. That would. I would say, let's just go to the next question. This is Louis. But let's not out that. He probably didn't want to put that. Louis, what's your favorite Star Wars movie? Star Wars movie. Yeah. Which one? I mean, I guess episode two, because that was the first night that me and Big Jay hung out and became friends. Hand turkey. I was going to hug me. Yeah. Attack of the clone. I didn't like that he was there. I didn't want him to come. He didn't want me to come. Kurt Metzger brought me. And I went like this. I went. This could be Jay. No, that was just the popular movie to see at that time. Yeah. So midnight showing. Yeah. Louis, if we were seeing anything. Okay. Ten ways to lose a guy. How to lose a guy. Ten things I hate about you. How to lose a guy in ten days. Bring it on. I don't know who this is. Do you think this has to be someone like one of the older people? Do you think the younger kids are obsessed with Star Wars as people that were a little, you know, they grew up in like in the 80s? They had a resurgence and it was also, you know, it was a big movie even throughout the 90s, 2000s. Dweebs liked always like Star Wars. Even before they. They made it resurge in like 99 or 90. I think when I was young, you'd have to be a dweeb to like Star Wars. It was just like a movie that came out. Everybody watched Star Wars. Except Louis. Yeah. That does sound fishy when he's like, I don't even know anything about it. Yeah. Star Wars. I mean, I've watched them all, but I mean, they're just okay. Jesus Christ. I don't know. That's it. That's, I mean, that's just so. Yeah. Yeah. That's fishy. That's fishy. Their job. Please put it. He's like, I agree with you. I don't go back and watch any of those fucking movies. I don't give a shit, dude. I didn't watch the Mandalorian. Fuck off. Oh, you sound this too hard, bro. Oh, so you know what the Mandalorian is. That's crazy, dude. That's crazy, bro. It looks like we have a purist here. Another vote for you. This is crazy. This is crazy. Jay, don't even. This is crazy. Don't do it, Jay. I'm watching them sway, Jay, right now. You're going to waste your vote. Guys, I already have a point. I have a perfect score. I'm fine. I got this. This. Yeah. Jeremiah got very excited about this. It's a choreography. The Broadway show. He's very theatrical. He's very talented. I'm putting my vote in for Jeremiah Watkins. I think it's pretty obvious. Shit. Shit. Oh, you fuck. Oh, I got to lock it in. Yeah. I'm going to say. It's not you, Louis. It's not you, Louis. It's not you, Louis. Son of a gun. Interesting. Andre Kim votes for Jeremiah Watkins. Me too. Me too. And Big Jay Jeremiah. Going with his instinct. Andre may have swept here big. Oh, if this is Andre or Louis Katz. Fuck. Alex, whose story was story number two? Story number two belongs to Andre Kim. Fuck. I told you. These people love choreography. I'm here to fucking win, baby. Hey. Stop Asian hate. We're here to play the fucking game, gang. I called it. Wow. It's fucking war. This guy's been a fucking jabberwocky the whole time. I read 48 Laws of Power before I came here. I'm fucking ready, dude. So what else do we need to know about this story? How old were you? I was like 11 or 12. 11 or 12. Yeah. Dang. And the show was good? No, we bombed. No, we auditioned for the Booker. We auditioned for the Booker. booker like made like a stunned face and we're like oh we got it how old were you i'm talking we i'm just kidding no we were like 12 we're like 12 there was a booker at your 12 year old talent show yeah it's crazy there was a booker there was a booker yeah no she like scouted for the talent show and you had to audition and she would sit there with like a clipboard arms crossed like a grooming thing yeah what kind of school was this it was just like a middle school in connecticut and we did it yeah what's wrong with connecticut what the fuck yeah that corner went crazy over there oh shit those clam shucking weirdos but she was like hard to read you know what i mean so we're like i think we got it and then they put the paper on the bulletin board we all scurried over and we were like oh we don't see our name wow so we didn't get it that's crazy that they didn't allow every 11 year old into the talent show that's fucked up the booker rejected you guys are a little too chinesey but i'm south korean i mean it is a shitty show it's like you guys were going and they're like this fucking sucks nobody wants to watch this for five minutes their parents come out like you think you're good at lightsaber choreography i'm gonna show you i'm the best in the world and they fucking humble them big j style yeah then they cried uh alex where's our points at two stories down all right tied for first place with four points each big j okerson and andre kim let's go baby i guess we're the only two who showed up tonight andre let's go you're going down i thought we were bonding over us both having four points god damn no yeah totally yeah all right story warriors let's take a second to thank one of our amazing sponsors for today's show and that is quince you know when the cold weather hits you need clothes that you can count on working going out keeping it casual well quince has you covered everything from quince is great but it also makes an amazing gift 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hold on yeah sam talent has never tried to kiss me yeah and if he tried he would succeed because i would give him that fucking tongue are you throwing your stink off this completely you think so yeah this is lewis this is at skank fest this is him thanking you for skank fest having the greatest time and he thought it'd be funny to do it and you were blown away by it me yeah what fuck no i think that this is jeremiah i think jeremiah has the energy of a man that you try to kiss what that's fucked up lewis that's the nicest thing you've ever said thank you thank you if we were in jail together i would literally be giving you packets of ramen to suck my cock why am i doing this the suck in because you're getting the fucking ramen okay now that's a fair transaction i'm gonna give you ramen and suck your dick are you crazy yeah who are you it's a good deal you pretend to love it'll give you a honey bun wait jeremiah what's your relationship with sam uh i met him at skank fest and yeah that's about it jeremiah another question what's your relationship with christ i uh see him on the regular and we're going steady i don't know we're like a thing i don't know what to call it uh no i started first hearing about sam through the denver scene and stuff like that originally and then started seeing him like pop around on podcasts and stuff like that um very funny the very talented sam town but we did we gave out his book recently so he's got a brand new book so i'll call it a book and i'll call it a book and i'll call it a book called brute go go grab that now we did um noir thriller we did the uh uh colin turrell's uh sunday uh circus yeah we did that show at skank fest that was cool what was his talent kissing men no he was a cop and i don't know what his talent was actually murdering minorities yeah i don't i don't know yeah and colin was kind of like he was on mushrooms and stuff so i think that they were both like just kind of on like different things and that was like part of the talent show yeah do you know do you know sam talent i do know sam i keep thinking he's very tall yeah and i think it has to be another tall person if he tried to kiss me i would feel like he was gonna bite me or something you know he's very very tall it's menacing you would see it coming and you wouldn't be caught off guard you see it coming you're like oh fuck this guy's going in for a kiss yeah yeah it's time to lean forward and bite his dick how small do you think he is i think he's 17 feet tall he's got a kiss on high school i think i'm closer to his dick than he is to my face yeah i think this might be louis dude i don't know you think i don't think it's louis no no i think i mean how well do you know sam talent i know pretty well i've seen okay we've uh we've been in cities at the same time you know cleveland we consider him a friend uh we're no i don't know no okay i don't know sam i talked to sam a few times i think sam's great i'm a big fan i just don't know personally yeah well yeah it's very nice who's the type of guy that you would be funny to lean in and kiss to see how far you can go you me and me hold on me and you both we're both those guys sure but neither one of us know sam talent like that you do yes i don't you didn't try to kiss him he tried to kiss you and because changing the story he has no reason to kiss me he's kissing you to be like what a great festival yeah right yeah how was it i feel like he's a gentle giant listen to me you guys are allowing jeremiah to run away with this i know that this is jeremiah 100 i don't know i feel like it's you man when you have no hair when you have no hair do you feel as like fingers in the back of your head isabella don't look at uncle lewis he got frenched by a big tall guy i feel like it's lewis because it's his show and uh he just wrote one sentence so he's like i don't give a fuck this is this is lewis not giving a fuck about having a gay experience god damn it jay you're an idiot i think it could be jay i think it could be jay it could be jay though i don't think it's jay i don't think jay jay's like look i've kissed jay uh-huh to be funny nothing gay sorry isabella nothing gay um i've i've kissed nothing gay uh-huh don't look down don't look down jay's not the type of guy that i just know jay and i know sam talent sam talent's not trying to kiss jay jeremiah and sam were doing some weird fucking thing they're they're fucking out there an alternative and yeah you were dressed like gollum and he was dressed like the guy who protects hogwarts yes first of all those are two very different movies For sure, but they both meet in Middle Earth somewhere where you guys can do gay stuff. No, they meet in Bottom Earth. Bottom Earth. That was great. Come get this ass. I bet you are. You wanted to be Jeremiah Watkins. I think it's. It might be Big J. I think it happened at Skank Fest. This could happen to me. This is Skank Fest thing, yeah. Jay, how many guys have you kissed in your life? Me and Louis kissed to make Dave more comfortable. To be funny. And then when it stopped being funny, Louis kept going. Yeah, because you know what it is? It stops being funny for a minute, but if you keep going more, it starts being funny again after a minute. Well, you've got to talk to your scene partner if you're going to do that. Every inch you stick it in, it gets funnier and funnier. Just keep going. It's a comedy masterclass by Louis J. Gomez. And then when I was on tour with bands, a guy in a band to shock some girl leaned in and fucking kissed me. French? Yeah. What band? Tucson, the opening band. Okay, and that's it? Two guys your whole life? Two guys my whole life. Where'd you get a wife? And none of them for interest in gay activity. One was to freak out Dave. Nailed it. And then the other was I got blindsided like this, but it wasn't Sam Talent. It was the guy from Two Cents. Louis heard Two Cents and he's like, where? No, I want a French. Jeremiah, what are you thinking? You got Big J locked in or not locked in? I keep going between you and Lou. You and Big J. I've literally clicked on both of you. That's fair. But I'm telling you the same. I mean, it would be so crazy for Sam Talent to do this to me. We've spoken like a real less than a handful of times. Me too, by the way. Me and Sam have only. No, he does your festival. You tell you. It's your festival too. No. Damn, I think it's J. It could be. No, I don't think it's Big J. I really don't. I just don't see Sam Talent as Big J. Dude, if it's you, that was such a suave move you just did when somebody else was ready to do it. Ready to do me, and you went, nah, I don't know if it's J, though. That would be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. I'll fucking French kiss you if it's you. That's high level. I'll French kiss you on the shirt. All right, I'm locking it in. In front of my ex and my dog. Where the fuck. What? Where the fuck did you get your own whiteboard? Whiteboard. Whiteboards. Whiteboards. Whiteboards. Whiteboards. Whiteboards. Whiteboards. By the way, Jeremiah is such a white guy that he always has one on himself. That's how he takes his notes and writes jokes. This guy went to Staples before this. You guys all voted for me, you idiots. No. No. Oh, my God, guys. You guys are fools. Everybody said Alex. Oh, it's Louie. It's definitely Jeremiah. Alex, fuck, he's so happy right now. It might be. That is Jeremiah. Story number three belongs to Jeremiah Walker. I'll fucking tell you. Yeah. I'll tell you. You fools. You were on to me on that one. Jeremiah, was this at Skank Fest? This was not at Skank Fest. This was your house late night? What the fuck? Hey, Sam Talent, you up? I guess I put the wrong vibes out there and I was asking for it. You were dressed like a slut. No, this Sam Talent, I actually love him. He loves Sam Talent. He's a hilarious comedian. Yeah, check out his book, Brute. He did Dr. Phil Live in Denver with Adam Ray and I. And at the end of the show, I always, as a different character, I get beat up in character at the end of every single show. Adam Ray throws fake punches and they play sound effects and whatnot. And Sam was the closing guest. And to heighten the hitting and stuff like that, he freaking grabbed me and tried to kiss me. On stage, and it got a huge response. But I mean, it wasn't part of the show. Who were you dressed up as? It was not planned. Did you do it? Huh? I didn't kiss back. I was like, ugh. You just got hard. Yeah, you can't kiss while you're coming. It's so hard. Yeah, when you've already splooged, there's no point in kissing back. You're going to bite his tongue off. You're going, ugh. No, we did a segment on that episode called America's Got Sam Talent. And, uh, I was like this street urchin that was chosen out of the audience. Like, it was a classic Susan Boyle character that was, like, disgusting looking with, like, pimples and, like, horrible teeth and everything, but I had the voice of an angel. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right, Jeremiah Watkins. Where are our points at, Alex? Weaving up. Fuck. Was he a good kisser? No, it was horrible. Really? I wasn't expecting it. I was trying to get away from it. Interesting. In last place, with zero, points, Louis Katz. I'm trying to be consistent with my performance on every time I appear on the show. In fourth place, with two points, Louis J. Gomez. Boo. In third place, with three points, Jeremiah Watkins. And tied for first place, with four points each, Big J. Oberson and Andre Kim. Let's fucking go. Andre? Yes. It's basically down to me and you to see who's going to take home Making Woodblock Prints by Merlin Chesterman and Rod Nelson. You know, in ancient Japanese, you probably don't, ukiyo-e, full-color prints required carving a separate wood block for each color with millimeter precision. If that's the kind of information you find interesting, then I'm going to give it to you. If that's the kind of information you find interesting, you're going to love Making Woodblock Prints by Merlin Chesterman and Rod Nelson. Tonight's winner is going to learn centuries of Asian heritage with this easy-to-read guide anybody can follow. Share sacred texts, create a talisman, or even print and spread your own news to the world. Let's fucking go. I don't know what you just said, but I'm fucking ready, dude. Dude, you're so close to taking this home. Let's do it. Everyone talks about how challenging it is to raise kids. But what about protecting them? Outlet covers, kitchen cabinet locks, baby gates. Where do you even start? Well, protecting your home and auto is a great place to start. Progressive offers customized coverage options so you can be sure you have the right coverage. They're basically the baby gates of insurance. Get a quote at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company. Affiliates and other insurers. Alex, story number four. Story number four. I was removed from a talent-only green room because I was staring at the women on the show while they changed their costumes. Okay. Louis. Louis! Louis! This is Louis all day. Somebody wrote this with, with my voice, like, I was removed from a talent-only green room. They're trying to make it sound like me. This is you. I wouldn't make it obvious. I don't know, dude. You're the horniest person I know, dude. You are the horniest person we know. Yeah, I did. Some would say, me so horny, me love you long time. This doesn't feel Louis Cats to me. But I don't know. That guy was super popular. Maybe he's just checking out Beaver. Yeah, Louis, by the way, is a little creep. I am? Yeah, 100%. Where does Louis get all this from? I don't know. Louis' old act was one of the dirtiest acts in comedy. What? How does that make me a creep? Does that make me really funny? I think comedy comes from a place of truth. And I could see this beat your scumbag, he's saying. I don't feel that way, but Louis keeps telling me this. I mean, I guess, I guess, I guess I could see that. Look at Andre's judging our fucking Bobo brand. He's like, oh, I make this so much faster than you make it. This not Apple? My sister got killed over this. I was like, what is this knockoff iPad? I make 10 of these an hour. Their Asian accent knowledge is exclusively Goonies. It's all data. It's all data. Yeah, you technology bad. Just do better. You get these in bulk. It's moving with talent only. Oh, shit. I mean, Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, this is not a good tablet. Stride to rock. Stride to rock. What two great words to have to put in a race season. Stride to rock. Stride. There was an L after an S and a word that starts with L. Stride to rock. Stride to rock. - It says slide to lock on here, guys. They don't know what you're talking about. They think you've-- Over and over again. They think you're having a stroke. They don't know what's happening. God damn, dude. Even the fucking goth girl woke up for that one. Oh. Look whose candle burned down. Yeah. Talent only. I don't even care about this shit. By the way, Lewis is doing a lot of work in the room right now. He's being fucking Sammy Davis, I think. Yeah, he's deflecting. What kind of green room also, like, this is not a comedy green room, right? Some other kind of green room. It's got to be some kind of variety show. Yeah. Or it could be. Like a burlesque show or a variety show. You do all kinds of variety shows. I do. I do, yeah. Yeah, that's also true. Can I tell you this? It could be television. I didn't even overthink that until when you just said it. It made me think that Lewis, again, owns and runs a festival where there's a naked roast every year. You think I was removed from my own? Yeah, I feel like maybe in a Harvey Weinstein moment, your partners decide to remove you because you were going through. He goes, sorry. Sorry, ladies. I don't know if you noticed, but look at my badge. I'm a federal booby inspector. So I got to walk around, if you don't mind. Check everybody. He goes, okay, those are, those are Ariel with steam regulation. Yeah, look, I understand why anyone would think this is me because whoever's playing the game did a great job at submitting a story that sounds like me, but this is not me. I'm still getting Louis Katz vibes. Louis being the most quiet here. I think Jeremiah is a very good boy. He's not, he's not looking at other women's boobs. He's like a straight up standup fucking dude. And he's a virgin. I think Louis is most likely to have flourished in an all T scene show where he would be doing shows. This, you were in San Fran. You started out, right? I did start comedy. That's a very, very alternative. There's like fucking like, uh, he's watching gay guys do heroin in the street. Maybe. Yeah. But it's very like, you know, there's a lot of like the variety, like those bar shows out there. That's true. Why can't this be me? Because they couldn't tell where your eyes were looking. They had no idea. He goes, he goes, our pussies were out and he slept the whole time. By the way, you sleep masturbate, son. I regret doing the show. Uh, uh, yeah, I think it's Louis or Louis, Louis or Louis. Louis hasn't had a story yet. You touch your face. I don't know. That's a, that's a tell. Usually if you're an FBI profile, it does have a tell. He also has spiders under his skin. He's doing heroin. I think it's Louis. Yeah. This seems like a Louis, like a show besides comedy or going, Oh, it's fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. So this guy's shirt says story wars rule, not story wars rules. No, because like the stories on story wars. No, he's double. No, he's doing a double thing. He's wearing a shirt. That's an homage to my few months in the comedy clip that I put out where I took off my shirt and I had a shirt. He's a black people rule. So. Okay. Deep cut, dude. Whoa. All right, dude. Story wars. I like that. I like how he got up and went to the bathroom just to notice. Like, Hey, listen, he made it. He should respect. He should side shuffled. He's like, Oh, excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Whoopsie. By the way, if you come to skank fest, be part of my J makes a million dollars of skank fest campaign is some, my black people rule shirt. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting Louie vibes right now. I'll also lock it in Louie cats, former creep for Jay. How many, um, how many strip clubs stand up shows have you done? Ooh. Only not one. I did stay up at one. It was prefer a radio thing. They were doing like a stripper contest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I was like, Oh, I'm going to come open it with like five men. Preston and Steve in Philly. That's the only strip club thing I've ever done. Comedy wise burlesque. Oh, there was, yeah, there was a place in Philly called the five spot that did burlesque and stand up. Yeah. I did like twice though. Yeah. There's like the Creek does that all the time. You'll be backstage and then a bunch of transgender walk through the door. You're like, I gotta go. That was like one thing in Philly. I was in the black circuit more than anything. So I did. That was. Okay. That was something that Kirk got us once. All right. Yeah. I've done a few strip club shows. I did the Detroit hustler club like three years in a row. But that was like a headline book thing, right? Yeah. But it was, nobody was there for us. They were furious that we were doing comedy. There are weird opportunities we got when we were younger in comedy. I'd say that it's like, man, you wish you can get that opportunity now to do such a better showing. Cause I've had that people that are fans of yours, but they don't know how not famous you are. And they're like, we're not famous. We're going to do a comedy show at the hustler club. It's going to be filled with your fans. Everyone's going to party. The stripper is going to be all great for it. They're going to suck everyone's cocks after the show. That's the only reason why anyone agrees to do a strip club show. Cause you're like, all right, we're going to get our cocks sucked by strippers. And then you show up and the strippers are furious that you're taking away their money. He goes, we're trying to make money. And you guys are telling dumb jokes. And I'm like, where's the ramen? Guys, uh, gang. Uh, man, this one's tough. I think, uh, well, whoever, they might win big, but I'm going to Louie. I'm going to who everyone's voting for Louie right now. Louie waits to vote last. Yeah. Louie's the last. That means it's him, right? It must be. I hope Louie acting right now. Like it's not him. Yeah, I know. He said it must be. Yeah. Bloody fucking Shakespeare. Here we go. Okay. If it's me, if it's you, he put you, why me, Louie, we all think it's you. And then somehow someone you flipped around and made everyone think it was me, which it was very, oh, fuck. It is. It'd be a great, it'd be a great, it is, it is Louis. Alex, all of our answers are in. Fuck me, dude. Whose story was story number four? Oh, fuck my fucking dick. No, dude, no. No. No, was I right? No. It was Jay. Fuck. Big Jay Olsen. Oh, no. I should have followed my gut. This could be the night. You might be here on one of the nights. I should have followed my freaking gut, dude. Where were you? Wait, hold on. I basically almost just told the story, so. We started in Philly in the black comedy circuit, but there was a show down there that Kurt Metzger heard about at the place called The Five Spot. It was burlesque-stated comedy in between. And then they go, hey, you guys are going up like an hour into the show, but it's packed up here. We need you to hang out in the green room. And then we went down to the green room, and it was the green room for everybody, these girls who keep changing clothes and getting like, by the way, hanging out and smoking cigarettes, just like pussies out. And so I saw that, and I immediately went back up. And I said to the guy, I go, oh, no, there's like a bunch of like naked chicks running around in there. So it's like, was there anywhere we could just go like kind of just for ourselves? With dicks. Outside. And they went. Too many vaginas. They said, it's the theater. Nobody cares. And I was like, oh, are you sure? Because like, I'm going to stare. And then I went. He was like, maybe you don't have to wear a monocle. And I don't want to even blame Kurt for this, because I don't know what he did. But I know I sat down there, and while girls smoke cigarettes, I almost elbows on knees leaned forward and looked at their pussies until, and then. Jay's leaving out that he was eating beef ribs while he was doing it. Best ribs in town, though. They were the best. I mean, they fell off the bone. I wasn't really eating off the bone. I was essentially catching them falling off the bone. It was you and Kurt, or just you? Me and Kurt, but I was doing the looking. I'm not going to put Curtis on Kurt. Because those fucking bug eyes in a naked green room. Listen, definitely, service helped. But I will say, we went back to do it like four weeks later, and then we were like, we're going to go down to the green room. They go, oh, the comedians wait out back now. And I was like, yeah, I told you I was going to stay. Why would you put me in a room with naked chicks? I'm fucking 19. I was 19. They're like, you can be down here. I go, neat. Smoke your cigarette, girl. Live your truth. Alex, give us our point spread, please. Poor story's down. All right. In last place, with zero points, Louis Katz. Gomez. In second place, with four points, Andrae Kim. And in first place, with eight points, Big J. Oakerson. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I told my daughter, if I lose in front of her, I will kill myself tonight. And I never broke a promise to that little girl. We are at the halfway point of the show. Real quick, we're going to let our guests do some plugs of their upcoming dates. Remember, this won't come out for a couple months, guys. But, Andrae, what are you plugging, my friend? I'm going to be in Plano, Texas. Mic drop comedy, October 16th, 17th. And then, comedy store, West Hollywood, L.A. Original Room, come out November 6th, Friday. It's going to be. to be great oh yeah jeremiah walkins check out my new special crazy pizza out now on my youtube and check out stand up on the spot as well and trailer tales jeremiah walkins.com for tour dates at jeremiah stand up on all social media love you guys how many months is this thing when is it coming out six weeks probably all right uh maybe two could be a whimsical decision i'll be at uh i'll be at skank fest i'll be there and you can see me there and uh that's sick i don't maybe by then my special i have a new special coming out sometime this year so check that out oh yeah and uh yeah you can you can see that funny probably on my youtube or my socials i'm at louis cats comedy on everything and uh yeah follow me on there very cool big j in the lead right now huh big lead i fucking feel fantastic uh listen to the bonfire faction talk series xm 137 with me and the great robert kelly five days a week and of course the flagship show right over here at gas digital the legion of motherfucking skanks if you know you've been known and uh watch the kevin hart roast why not i did it oh yeah go to my website lewis of skanks.com sign up for my mailing list buy my book knives and spoons uh by the time this one comes out my audio book will be out so you can grab the link in the description below and i'll see you in the next one bye bye and if you love the show you should subscribe to gas digital we do the show uncensored and ad free and it comes out every monday night before it goes out to youtube or anywhere else so if you guys want to get a pre-release on all the episodes plus get access to the on-demand library which we have over 100 episodes or i believe something like that 80 or 90 episodes that are no longer available on youtube or anywhere else just sign up for gas digital watch the show since the beginning check out all the other shows of the network legion of skanks and realest podcast and the regs and uh 16 amazing shows all uncensored and ad free use the promo code wars w-a-r-s-i-o-n-d and save a couple bucks a month support the show directly and jay let him know what's going on in the second half of the show well it's pretty simple uh as good as i feel i know that i could be fucked over in one second because for the second half of the show the final four stories jeremiah why don't you tell them what we do well what happens in the second half of the show is uh it's not just one point it's actually double points it's a pretty simple concept before oh she came she had to piss this is so exciting she can't take it she's like there's spiders crawling out of my vagina she goes oh i must go kill them she goes this game's so close i gotta panic shit i'm about to i'm about to brew the darkest storm in the toilets ever seen oh my god i'm gonna shit an eye of newt i mean i think you guys can kind of put it together before if you feel like you're going to be able to do it fooled somebody you got one point if you guessed the correct person you got two points that just now bumps up to double point thank you roots the roots are in the back we always yeah they can't we don't pay them to be on camera but they well they do it for the love of the game on the love they come and they give us the audio yeah god bless their hearts quest love we're all we're old philly buddies look you have a book thing where's that you have a book yeah knives and spoons oh sick who wrote it i thought you were doing a bit yeah well no honestly honestly nobody if you read it it was yeah i don't want to get into it i can't shit i can't shit on my editors enough um alex story number five story number five i once watched a woman put a live frog in her pussy this is fucking popular louis katz is who this is if this was lewis or me we'd have heard the story about the frog in the pussy we would never have stopped talking about that's what i call it when you cut a hole in a piece of bread and you put the egg inside of it and then fry that call it a frog some people call it eggs in a basket frog on the pond i call the frog on the pussy oh you guys aren't cultured eaters these are just pizza people these are classic i've been to san sebastian uh let's see i think in asian culture this all right all right that's exactly what it is this is all right the frog was fluffing her for the horse live frog in a pussy no i i do you think it when it went into her pussy it became a prince and made her explode from the inside out oh god that's that would be so like that would be romantic for a second then it's messy all right can i tell you who this isn't jeremiah but that said he's been on a lot of shows where like a thing on stage could have been like i'm gonna put a live frog in my pussy and you were like where what shows are these i don't know somewhere jeremiah was playing saxophone you've never been to a strip club in south korea oh yeah frog shows it's the donkey show of the east is it the warner brothers frog he goes no this frog fucks me everybody watch no i swear to god but you guys aren't here this frog's fucking this shit come on come on frog put a live frog in a pussy you fucking asshole that's where he got the line ragtime gal now it's lou you knew that girl was on her period with that frog in her pussy just once uh yeah i mean this once again this could be have it's not jeremiah unless it's this happened on a stage and i think i would have heard about the girl puts a frog in her pussy yeah we would have heard about that yeah i think it's louis you think it's louis yeah why louis because he's in the san francisco underground that too and plus his story hasn't been mentioned yet that's true oh some asian math oh oh so you carry the one and then you'll add two this is this is fucking yakuza initiation can i talk to you i mean yeah louis this could be some sort of weird like fuck you were up and doing just for laughs in 96 or whenever you did it or whatever i just never i don't know where or how you would ever see this montreal 96 montreal 96 it's a weird sex club yeah dude cleopatra cafe cafe love the louis thing yeah cafe the pussy the frog flew pussy this frog flew yeah it could be it could be louis louis louis i'm telling you what if you listen to his old act he was a sexual deviant really his old act also how is this a talent no you're trying to put a frog in your pussy jeremiah come on that thing's moving around doesn't want to be she's talented the frog's talented we're all talented for watching everybody yeah sorry she doesn't whip out a whiteboard she's talented simply for getting the frog and the tiny tuxedo in her pussy on one shot the golf girl is like that is very talented to put frogs in your pussy oh well she became one with raw the sun god what when a frog's on their period do they use a lily pad pretty good i literally looked down for my soundboard and it wasn't here i'm so excited for that yeah oh here's my soundboard frog and pussy ribbit oh yeah ribbit oh yeah this could be louis this was just the excuse why the girl had warts yeah let me tell you something me and louis would watch a girl put a live frog in her pussy together or separate i will say though that i feel we would know the story about each other and i'd be happy to just tell you honestly me and louis would watch a girl put a live frog in her pussy together or separate i will say though that i feel we would know the story about each other and i'd be happy to just tell you honestly jay i don't even know you anymore these stories today were usually your stories are so obvious to me and today you've gotten you racked up eight points well tonight was a story about my daughter i don't talk about my personal life that is true tonight was the first time you met my daughter maybe his daughter is a decoy maybe his daughter was the girl that puts never mind let me know what the fuck she what the fuck i said she's not you i stopped myself oh you happy yeah but they all finished it now isabella don't worry because now and i promise you this is my daughter i'm gonna molest his son i'm gonna full-blown molest him where he has to go to therapy for it because he's gonna make him think for you i'm gonna make he's gonna love it i'm gonna make him think for years about the fact that if he tells we're all getting in trouble so i'm like your dad's gonna get arrested because he told me i gave him 50 to do it a web of lies that will have us all jammed up in court for years because he said that simply to you that's my promise to you i love you so much that's good fatherhood and she's a fantastic artist now i'm sorry about drawing you crying but it motivated you it got you go it got you moving was that was the frog ribbit for her pleasure all right you had that whole rant i went on to come up with that that was pretty good i'm gonna rip it for her pleasure all right i'm going with the numbers louis hasn't had a story yet this is a guess me - A highly sexual story. Fucking, this is San Francisco. San Francisco treat. San Francisco, you guys partying. You think the stories are only me? It can't be all me today. It's definitely me. If it's Big J, he's going to run away with this entire fucking thing. It's over. Fuck. It's definitely me. Good work. Shit. Louie's hiding in plain sight right now. That didn't feel good, the way you said that. Louie votes for Big J. Why Big J, Louie? I just think, I just get that vibe. I feel like that's something he would do. I would. I'd love to. Never had the offer. I would watch it. If a girl right now fucking was putting a frog in her pussy, we'd all watch it. If any girl in here was to put a frog in her pussy, I'll excuse myself from my daughter and ex-wife to go into a bathroom and watch you do that. And when they come out, I'll go to my daughter, I'll be like, it wasn't that great. It was weird. I thought it was going to be, it was weird. Yeah, but if it was Louis or Jay, we would have heard about it. That's how I feel. I agree. I mean, this would have been. This would have been a bit. Maybe it happened, but if it happened, what if it happened before? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. We would have also submitted this for the animal version of Story Wars. There's no way we would have held on to that story. Yeah. The girl with the frog in the pussy is pretty much. Jeremiah says Andre Kim. Why Andre, Jeremiah? I think he was chiming in a little bit too much towards the end there. He was chiming in too much? Come on, dude. Is that what he said? That's not okay. That's not okay. That's what he said, yeah. I think chiming in is actually like a not okay term. I don't think you can say that anymore, dude. That's like saying oriental. I think it's just rugs. It's the N word for chiming in. Yeah. It's like chiming him in all night. Yeah. I don't know. I don't like it. Jeremiah, I love you, but I don't like that. Andre. I love you so much. I'm not saying goodbye to what you just did. I'm not out of your friend group, but I don't know. I'm disappointed in you. But you're out of the group text. Yeah. Andre, you don't have to. You're not using that right. What? Turn the holder around. I'm sorry. Come on. It should be obvious. I'm sorry. Please. Is this how Asians deal with analog stuff? I just want you to use the robot. He goes, why doesn't a robot put it in there? Don't you guys know Boston Dynamics has something for this? Andre Kim votes for Louis Katz. Yeah. All of our answers are in. Five stories down. Alex, whose story was story number five? Story number five belongs to Louis Katz. Yes. Oh. It was so obvious. You sick fuck. It was so fucking obvious. Louis, what happened here? Where was this? Thailand. You can't do that in the States. Come on. You got to go overseas for that kind of Thailand. Thailand is Andre's old stomping ground. Hmm. Oh. Right in your backyard or far away? It was like part of a show. It was crazy because she put the frog in there and then it would kick its leg out. It would keep kicking his leg out. And she had to put the leg back in. It didn't work. She didn't want to be in there. No, it didn't. It made her pussy taste better, though, actually. Oh, nice. Where are you guys going? What the fuck? You have a real show to go to? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. You bitch. Oh. Story warriors, assemble. What the fuck was that, dude? She was the one who put the frog in her pussy. She's like, you said you'd never tell. Outside the Midtown New York Comedy Club. A woman was brutally murdered. Yeah. Guys. Did everybody bring their pillowcases full of books? Go on. She has a real show to go to. Gay Blind Mike. Do you remember what that woman felt like? Go find her and ask her what show she's going to. The suspect is wearing a Story Wars rule shirt. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. The air devil was blind and I know he would find her. So. I don't know. Gay Blind Mike's do or die. That was crazy. So this was a sex show in Thailand. It was a sex show. I'm glad I'm losing and I'm walking people. It's really a one-two punch here. Oh, that's not. Those women couldn't handle the realities of life. Those women are weak. That's not your fault. Thank you. So it was a live sex show. You didn't really eat her pussy afterwards, though. No, I did not really eat her pussy. Thank you for asking. Would you eat a hooker's pussy? I would have. Lewis, you definitely have. You definitely have, Lewis. I'm insecure, dude. Yeah, I have. You have, yeah. It's like touching your tongue to a nine-volt battery. It stings. She's alive. It's acidic. He goes, you can put a lemon on your tongue and see if you can make a light bulb light up. Alex, we're a point set. Five stories down. Lost two people. It's okay. Fuck those bitches. As long as we have this young lady right here, we're all good with the Village Boys. We're all good with the Village Boys. She is fucking. Are you enjoying the show, miss? Hell yeah. And she had dinner five hours ago. That's true. Now. She should be in bed right now. She should have watched a Matlock rerun and she should be sleeping right now. Oh, fuck. It's Jeopardy. It's Champions Week. Thank Christ for DVR. Or TiVo. Alex. TiVo. Now. In last week, we had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun. In fourth place, with two points, Louis Katz. He's in the game, though. I got some points. I got some points. He's in the game. He's on the board. He's on the fucking board. Coolest story of everybody, though. Absolutely. That is true. Yeah. So how about that? In fourth place, with three points, Jeremiah Watkins. That sounds about right. In third place, with six points, Louis J. Gomez. In second place, with eight points, Andre Kim. Let's go. Let's go. And in first place, with 12 points, Big J. O. Kassou. Come on. Nah. Are you here for one of the nights? Nah. Let's take a quick moment and thank GLD for supporting the show. GLD makes great jewelry, necklaces, pendants, chains, bracelets. Look, at this point, I'm wearing all of it, J. I know you're wearing all of it as well. You wear your bracelet every day now. You ice yourself out any time you're trying to go out and look extra cool. And you took a long time. I had it a while before you because they were supporting the show and you took a while to jump on the GLD revolution. I'm not as ethnic as you. That's true. But, you know, somewhere inside of me, there is that kind of ethnicity and I like to rock my bling. And fall. Fall is a perfect time to pick up something from their amazing collabs with the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL. If you've got a sports fan in your life, this is easy for the shopping season, the holiday shopping season. Even just for sports fans, anybody in your life, if you don't know something to get them, just grab them a piece of GLD. It looks beautiful. It has real gold in every single piece. This is great stuff for a fraction of the cost if you went to a high-end, expensive jeweler. You get some really, really cool-looking stuff that honestly won't break the bank. And it's a lifetime warranty. You're going to have it for absolutely. Your entire life. Work hard. Change the game for a limited time. New customers are going to get an insane deal. If you use the code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, you're going to get 40% off at GLD.com. 40% off with code W-A-R-Z, WARS, 40% off at GLD.com. Do all of your Christmas shopping in one spot. Literally everybody you know, get them a cool piece of GLD jewelry. Right in your phone. So easy. One more time. That's code WARS for 40% off. That's code WARS for 40% off at GLD.com. Let's take a quick moment to thank Brunt, my favorite boot on the planet for supporting the show. They've been with us for a while. Winter's coming again. Winter is coming, baby boys. You got to get the best boot in the game. They feel like an old pair of sneakers that you've had for years, already pre-broken in, but they're brand new boots. Work boots specifically hurt my feet. That's why I never get them. I own two pair of Brunts. I got them for my son as well. Genuinely the most comfortable, cool-looking boots I've ever worn. Oh, they're great. They're good for the job and they're also just good for relaxing at home. Rain, shine, doesn't matter. And what's great about Brunt is if they're not perfect, you can send them back and you get a full refund. 100% risk-free trial, but you're not going to need it because they are absolutely amazing. Plus, they're not just boots anymore. They also make high-performance work clothing like their Chevlin hoodie, which is built to keep out the cold while repelling water, mud, and oil. Such great stuff. They're growing every day. Join the fucking party. Get in with them. Brunt was tired of the work wear brands that are cutting corners. You work too hard to be stuck in uncomfortable boots and work wear that doesn't hold up when you're out there working so hard. So they built something better. Work wear that's insanely comfortable and built for any job site. And for a limited time, Story Wars fans get $10 off. Woo! At Brunt, when you use that code WARS, W-A-R-Z, at checkout. You just head to bruntworkwear.com. That's B-R-U-N-T, workwear.com. Use that code WARS with a Z, W-A-R-Z, and you're all good to go. You get that $10 off. All right, let's get back into it. Lots of time left. Three stories left. Alex, story number six. Story number six. I was so good at art in the first grade that my teacher, that my teacher would let me skip doing classwork and allow me to decorate her envelopes with clowns and flowers. Well, now. I think it's Jeremiah. Here's the thing. I know that Jay is really good at doodling. I am a good doodler. Louis, you're not bad at doodling. It's just you shouldn't show anyone because, and I mean this, it's all swastikas, upside-down crosses on fire. Well, no, and it's also the cube box with a flame hanging out of the top of the cube box. That's when I doodle at all times. And a cube box with a flame also. And so here's the thing. I was pretty good at drawing in elementary school, but not good enough that they would have me decorate envelopes with clowns and flowers. Clowns and flowers is pretty, that's soft. That's soft. It's first grade. Yeah, first grade. Yeah, but you'll never learn how to draw a swastika unless you learn really early. It's true. It's true. It would have been funnier decorating. What was the name of your grade school, Jay? My grade school? My grade school, same as my high school. Clowns and Flowers University. Robert E. Lamberton School, kindergarten through 12th grade. Jesus, every grade? Yep. Wow. Unless you were smart enough to get out. Jay went to school in like the early 1900s where it was a schoolhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They told us not to go into the forest because there was monsters out there, but they told us it was 1878. Jeremiah, take your tablet down. I don't know. Who the fuck? I don't know who the fuck this is. So good art in the first grade. I'm kind of getting Jeremiah vibes only because he's a good boy. Yeah. I could see him being good in like a teacher's pet kind of way. Even if you weren't good at art, you would like really nuzzle up to that teacher. Yeah, I could see that. I don't think I would say I was so good at art, though. Like it's a sport or something. At first. At first grade, though. Also, it sounds like you because you're just bragging about your art, but would you say that twice? And also, it's kind of long. You know what I mean? Like some people tell shorter stories. Some people tell longer stories. Yeah, Lewis is all. You're saying me? No, I'm not saying you. Oh, you're saying Big Jay. I'm just saying things, man. I'm not saying anything yet. You got a fucking problem? You're saying ultimately that I have long-winded stories that really don't have no direction? You're saying it's a lot of filler and not much fucking substance? Jay specifically. Jay specifically is good at drawing like characters. Better than my daughter at one point. One time he was watching James, my son. You babysat like one time. Christine did it a few times. You were there one time and you like drew pictures with him and you had like Play-Doh. I made Play-Doh. You did really amazing like little Play-Doh statues and I just couldn't believe that they would do a third story when Jay's this far ahead. I guess it doesn't matter. It is all random. It's Lewis. No, I'm going to tell you this. Lewis, the softness of it, I feel like Lewis would tell a story like this to throw us off of him. Like, ah, ah, yeah. Just so you know, I was always a bad student literally since kindergarten on. So you got that one good grade because you draw clowns and flowers. Okay. Well, I think Jay's trying to throw it off his scent. Over-explaining. I submitted, by the way, 18 stories. Did you really? No. No. You can only submit five, but the more stories you submit, technically, the more likely you are to have a story pulled. I submitted four. Three to five. How many stories? You've had one pull. We've each had one pull. But that doesn't really matter. It's so random. It doesn't matter. It does matter. I thought it mattered, but I guess it doesn't. It does matter. No, it doesn't. No, it's random generation. It doesn't matter. Because Jay got picked twice in this cycle. Yeah, but still, now there's less of a chance of it being Jay because he got picked twice. I don't know if that's true. I don't know how odds work. Andre, can you explain odds to us? Yeah, so odds are. Andre, you're my statistics professor. Would you mind? I know this is park hours, but would you mind? You guys remember fractions, right? It's pronounced flax-tions. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought we were boys. What the fuck, dude? Andre, you bring great disrespect to the family. Louis, can you draw? No. I can't. But in the first grade, maybe he was the shit. Maybe. Was I? Look at these hands. They don't move. They're not shaking at all. They look like sturdy-ass hands. Wait, hold on. These look like sturdy hands to you? They're small, sturdy hands. Those hands are meant to create with charcoal. They look like Barbie doll hands. Buddy, those hands should be wrapped around Demi Moore's hands making a sculpture before you fuck her. Hold on. This could be Andre, though. Andre, dude, I'm telling you right now, Asians are always good at fucking drawing. Absolutely. They're really good. Drawing, math, drifting. Choreography, you said earlier. Traveling from treetops by foot. That's true. Scaling buildings. Is that all you guys see me as? No, no, no. All of you. Make fantastic knockoff versions of very popular things. Yeah. Selling purses. Purses. Ooh. Okay. Ooh. I ran out of all the stereotypes. Jeremiah, when I say clowns and flowers, what does that mean to you? Clowns scared my sister, and flowers, they're just nice. Well, Jeremiah was molested, and now he's the only one who's alive. It's been a long time since he's been molested. I didn't want to find out like this. He said, first thing that come to mind, Jay. This isn't how I wanted to find out. I was hoping this would be a drunken, late-night conversation. I need more info. I think this is Jeremiah or Andre. That's who I'm getting. Or it could be Big Jay, but if Big Jay has a third story when he's this far ahead, I'll be ready. Have you had any stories yet? I've had none. I know. I think it's Lewis. Pretty good. Please. My first. Pretty good. Please again. Please. Don't say it. Don't challenge me, motherfucker. On daughter comes to work day, you motherfucker. You challenging me? Isabella, let this not be Uncle Lewis. I swear to God with this guy. I kind of didn't think it was Big Jay until that move. I think it's Big Jay, right? I submitted 16 stories. I think it's a good way to try and throw people off your tracks. It is. I don't want you to win, so please vote for me. Or do you? You do want him to win. Fuck. I need more info. This is a tough one. Is that what gets you off? I'm getting Andre vibes all fucking day long right now. Can you draw, Andre? I might. Oh, man. Oh, shit. He can tag. You know. He can tag. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Asian wiggers tag really good. Oh, my God. I forgot. I've seen you breakdancing into a tag around town. That one time you did the worm into writing Kimbo. On the fucking Kim dash bow on a bridge side. It might be Lewis. Where'd you go to first grade? What does that matter? West Havershaw. Harden off a little bit. Look, he's deflecting. No, I'm not deflecting. I think he dropped out to get trained for golf. This is Andre trying to throw it off of his own scent right now. Maybe. But it's Lewis. Where'd you guys go in first grade? Why does this matter? This is why I know it's you. Longitude and latitude, dude. I got to fucking. It doesn't matter, I guess. This question, you keep asking that question. It's so obvious. It's a crazy question. It doesn't matter. What is art exactly? How do you teach your class on it? Oh, man. Fuck. Everyone's deflecting. Can I tell you something? I think I was pretty good at art in first grade. Just put that in your pipe. Andre's waiting to vote last. It's like poker. Are you good at art now, Lewis, would you say? Me? Yeah. I think I'm probably above average. He wrote a book, dude. I didn't draw the book. He didn't illustrate it himself. He had to draw pictures. It would only be 11 pages. It's a coloring book, and I just drew the outline. So you guys have to, we're artists together, technically. And it's still on Audible. Now you're looking at the sun and the sky and a stick figure. There's a clown. There's a clown with a flower. I'm a stick figure crying while Marilyn Manson plays. It's Andre or Lewis, I think. It's me, it's me. I agree. I agree it's Andre or Lewis. I don't think it is. It's me. I'm going with Lewis. It's literally me. I'm telling you. This is fucking good art in first grade, Lewis. I'm trying to give you some points. It's me. Oh, I don't like this. He's playing the game right now. What? I'm literally, okay. All right, I was trying to give you some points. What is? It's Lewis. No, it's Andre. Oh, fuck. Well, Andre votes last. Okay, here we go. You ain't getting me, big guy. Big J, wow. Okay. Turn it around. Andre, while South Korean, did have Kim Jong-un at his bar mitzvah. Alex, whose story was story number six? Story number six belongs to Lewis J. Gomez. Big J is running away with this right now. Yeah, here's the thing. I was great at art in the first grade. I still draw the exact same skill level today than I drew then. I never progressed. Were you drawing swastikas and burning crosses there, too? Yeah, kind of, to be honest. Okay, okay. So, no, my first grade teacher, Mrs. Du Bois, I was actually a good kid up until the second grade. First grade was my last year. You think it was Du Bois? Du Bois. D-E-B-O-Y-C-E. - Dubois, that's Dubois. - Oh, that's Dubois. - Yes. - Not Dubois. It's Du Bois. No, B-O-I-S would have been Du Bois. Guys, it's not up for debate. It's Du Bois. No, I'm Du Bois, B-O-I-S. Shut the fuck up, lady. No, no, no, hang on. Well, I'm going to shove a frog in your pussy. What's the origin of the name, miss? And tell me everything. Don't leave out a detail. Yeah, no, my teacher missed Du Bois in the first grade. And what's kind of funny is, like, I was friends with a kid who I became friends with, like, way later. My buddy John Hickey, lead singer of Salty Black Flower. And he told me years later in high school, he was like, dude, I used to be so angry that she used to let you draw clowns and flowers in the back of the classroom. And I would decorate all of her envelopes for her friends. And I did no work at all. The entire year, this is all I did. Hell, yeah. What a dumb bitch your teacher was. Yeah. You got to take a piss? All right. I got to pee, too. Guys, we have a show. This is our. By the way. I can hold it in. I'm professional. Have you never done the Joe Rogan? This is. Have you ever experienced for seven hours? This is unprecedented. You didn't realize? By the way, you also have to do a meet and greet with a werewolf before you go on the show. You got to talk to a werewolf and take pictures, and then you get to go for three hours on Joe Rogan. Yeah. Well, we'll do points while Louie's pissing. Andre, can you hold it, possibly? Or no? I can hold it. I'm professional, yeah. Alex, where are points at? Six stories down. Well, in last place, with two points, Louie Katz. Oh, pissy pants. Oh, no, no, no, no. He's not here. In third place. Louie's like, I got to go to a better show. A real show. A real show. I'm going to go to a real show. In third place, with seven points, Jeremiah Watkins. Whoa. We're battling. We're. What? In third place, with eight points, Andre Kim. What the fuck? I thought I was second. His parents are going to kill him. In second place, with ten points, Louis J. Gomez. No. No. You're wrong. And in first place, with 16 points. Damn. No. Big J.O.P. No. No. No. No. Are you here on one of the nights? You could be here on one of the nights. At this point, it is statistically impossible for Louie to catch up. No, he can. He can. Louie can still catch up. Can I catch up? Well, thank God he's got explosive diarrhea. Yeah. So, I guess we'll vamp for a minute until he comes back. Yeah. That guy sucks. How long is his piss? What is he, washing his hands for the full two minutes? It's not COVID anymore. Oh, he's saying the ABCs? This guy washes his hands COVID style. Oh, my God, dude. Private bathroom. I'll never wash my hands. Oh, Jeremiah, you ever see a dead body? Who's vamping? Just at funerals. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, but not like. Wakes. Andre, what do you think the age of consent should be? Discuss. Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Katz is back. Louie Katz is back. Louie Katz is back. Great timing. Great timing on that. Fantastic timing, Louie. Andre almost just ended his career. That's a great timing. Right when it was kicking off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Alex. That was a quick piss. Story number seven. Story number seven. I thought it was six. I have a talent for recouping my losses. I used to take girls on dates that I could barely afford. If the date was bad, I would wait until they went to the bathroom and get a little willy-nilly in their purse. Sometimes, I would even walk away with a little something extra. Louis, this is you. This is you, dude. Louis. This is you. Louis. This is fucking you, dude. I have done this. Back in the day, me and Dave Smith, we would do this all the time. We'd bring girls back to the apartment. One of us would be hooking up with them. The other one would rob their money out of their purse. This was a great move, solid move, but I did not submit this story. You're such a liar. I swear to God. Yes, you did. Nobody else would do this here. It's so you, dude. Everybody else is just an implorable thing to do to treat people like this. I can see this being you, Big J. I've got to be honest with you. Never. Never. Really? Yeah. You think you can see me going through a girl's purse for money? Really? Yes. That's cropped up. No. Back in the day. Not a use of big girls. I don't see Big J doing that. No way, dude. Not a fucking chance. The key is in the word willy-nilly. Who would say willy-nilly? Willy-nilly was Andre Kim's tag name that he would tag on Subway grids. Willy-nilly? Willy-nilly. Willy-nilly. That's not what he achieved. It's Jeremiah Lewis. Yeah, willy-nilly is like Harry Carey in Korean culture. Dude, suck balls. This is Lewis for sure. There's no way it's going to be you. Yeah, this is. Jay, I need to catch up, so please put me. Okay. Dumbass. What a challenge. Go ahead. I'll do it. Do it. This is a little friend all over it. I will. Slide it over. I was going to talk about it a little bit. Fuck you, dude. Suck balls. Wow. Yeah. Good. I'm so happy. I'm so happy that Big Jay just didn't get any more points. Oh, look at him trying to salvage three more votes. Please. You guys won't make out. I prefer it that way. You guys won't make out right now. Andre Kim. Kiss me a French kiss. One of my ex-lovers. Come on, let's do it. Andre Kim, did you grow up poor? I mean, no. You grew up Asian from Connecticut? I don't think so. No, no, no. No, no, no. But I grew up in Flushing, Queens. I shared a bedroom. I shared a bedroom with my dad. And my mom and my sister slept in the living room. Wow. That's pretty poor, dude. That's pretty poor, yeah. That's pretty poor. I mean, why wouldn't they put you and your sister together? Your dad and mom hated each other that much? Did you used to watch your mom and sister get undressed in silhouettes through fucking bamboo? Oh, that's right. They had the white. Like the see-through bamboo thing. And you'd see the outline of them and you'd go, oh, I must have not. I'm sorry. That was Japanese. No, that. No, that didn't happen. But we grew up pretty poor, yeah. This is Louis for sure. Who's the biggest dirtbag up here? Louis. Louis. Yeah. Jay's also a fucking dirtbag, okay? I'm not. Ask his ex-wife. Dirtbag? Yeah, he's really. Louis went to Cornell. It's a tie for firsts. Tie for firsts. We're both dirtbags. Louis? You equate me to Louis? Are you kidding? Yeah, that's crazy. That's crazy, Carla. I've known you both for 15 years. Believe that. First of all, you've known me for more than 15 years. For more than 15 years? Our daughter's 24, you shithead. I'm not saying that. I'm not on your kid. Fuck. Holy shit. You know what? Why am I the punchline? Is Isabelle not my wife? I've known you for 15 years. Now this is a real show. It's Louis. Look, I will say that I don't know that Jay would do this. Jay is as much of a dirtbag, but in different dirtbag ways, but I don't think that he would do this. I know Jeremiah would not do this. I don't see Louis doing this. It's not me. So all I literally logically have left here is Andre Kim. Or you, and you can't vote for you. Yeah, dude. Which does suck. Deflecting. That's fucking Louis for sure. This is so Louis. Yeah. You know what? I'm happy that everyone's voting for me. Everyone's voting for me because I hope it's Andre, and he catches up to Jay this round specifically because I know it's Andre Kim. He stole a woman's purse and went to the Vince. I've never had a date with a girl, dude. Nice, dude. This guy just crushed his pussy. Ooh. Jay, cool. Hmm. Andre's list. Oh, no. Jeremiah's list. Oh, fuck. You got to turn it around, Andre, though. What are you going to do? The holder. Bro, this is. It's crazy how much of a difficult time you've had with that. It's crazy that you're having a hard time. Jeremiah. Louis is trying it, man. No! Hold on. Hold on. That'll be edited out, so give it a second. Louis hates whiteboards. He hates. He hates dumbasses, stupid dumbasses. Louis, did you grow up. How did you grow up? It doesn't matter. Not stealing from women's purses. Hey, did you grow up robbing women? Yeah. No. Hey, were you a gigolo who robbed women? And an asshole who would brag about that? Or are you Louis? He used to be really dirty, so I don't know. Here we go. Wow. Everyone votes for me. Ooh. Look at Andre. Look how happy Andre is. Look how happy Andre is right now, you fucking idiots. I'm glad he's catching up to you. I hope he wins, you fucking dumbass. You convinced everyone it was me. So do I. Alex, whose story was story number seven? I want to stop Asian hate. Tell me why it's Andre Kim, Alex. Go ahead. Look at him. Look at him. He's all wigger and he's chiggering out right now. Story number seven belongs to Andre Kim. What'd I fucking tell you? What'd I tell you? Andre. What's up, baby? Who's back on the leaderboard, baby? That book is mine. It might be. - How long ago was this? You know, what time is it? No, you know, it was about like 10 years ago. 10 years ago? Yeah. And was this one girl? This is what you did regularly with women you went out with? This is like a compilation of girls I would go on dates with. Also, can I just say, willy-nilly is our word. How dare you? I don't appreciate you using my words. An Asian guy saying willy-nilly is, you're flying pretty close to the sun there, Andre. How bad would the date have to be going that you would give up like halfway through? No, it's not give up. Would you steal from them and then fuck after? Yeah. No, that never happened. They'd just be like bitchy and shit, and I'd be like, oh, man, I'm down like 80 bucks. They go in the restroom, and I go in their purse and fucking lift a couple 20s. Yeah, I get it. Because I was fucking broke, dude. I'm not judging you, dude. That's a good move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Louis is super into Eastern culture, though. Far East. That's true. Alex, where are our points at? Seven stories down. Okay. In last place with two points, Louis Katz. Thank you. Thank you. Don't clap. In fourth place with seven points, Jeremiah Watkins. Boo. Why? Boo. Tied for second place with 14 points each, Louis J. Gomez and Andre Kim. Fuck that. And in first place with 16 points, Big J. Oakerson. Is it one of the nights? Fuck him. Fuck him. It's open. Big J. sucks. Fuck him. Am I going to take home the sweet, sweet victory and make it? Making woodblock prints by Merlin Chesterman and Rod Nelson? Because tonight's winner, whoever it is, will be provided a realistic bench-level roadmap for creating your own industrial wood printing press inside your own home or office. You don't need modern tools or an expensive hydraulic press. It's gallery-grade prints, and you can make money off this. This book is everything you need to guide you to go from raw wood to finished product right away. You're on your kitchen tape. Let's fucking go. We got one more story. New York Comedy Club, are you ready for your final story? Final story. Goth Girl just got back. That was a minute. She was gone. Welcome back. Did you have to go? Yeah, where'd you go? Soldier. All right, Alex, story number eight. She gave us nothing. Story number eight. I bet a group of guys. That I could jerk off on the campfire. I did it. All right, this is Lewis. Every story's Lewis. It might be Jeremiah. Yeah, but this. Jeremiah's not doing something weird. Campfire? Campfire? I don't know. Jeremiah's a wild dog, though, but I don't know if it's not this level of dirty. No, man, it wouldn't be on a fire. You wouldn't waste it, not on their face. Now we lost her. Are we going to a real show? Where are you going? Where are you going? I hope it's a shit and not a real show. On the campfire. Lewis grew up in the Bronx, so there's no campfire going on. Oh, but he would just light a fire in his backyard and come on it. I didn't. Now, Jay is a part of a show called The Bonfire. It's very true. Is this the real origin story? A bonfire is in a trash can. And I've jerked off on a bunch of those. I've never been camping. Well, that's not true. I've been camping. So let me just say this. Jeremiah is a. Camper? He's a. Well, no, he's like a nice guy. Were you on, like, Boy Scouts? No, I did, like, one week of it, and it was too weird for me. They did, like, a candle lighting ceremony, and I was like. Yeah, because you jerked off at the fun. They did a candle lighting ceremony. That's why it was fucking weird. Oh, I'm sorry I made it weird, guys. You were the king of the camp, dude. That's why it was fucking weird, dude. Oh, we're not all jerking off in fires here? All right, go back to your knots. Jeremiah wouldn't pull his dick out and jerk off in front of you guys, but you could, like, everyone turn around and then do it. You could be sent to do it as a solo mish. And Jeremiah, he could be playing the game right now in a smart way to get everyone off his scent. I think he's. Lewis, this could be. This could be you. Me and you aren't jerking off in front of a bunch of dudes. That's not true. What? I used to. I used to regularly jerk off in front of my friends. Well, guys are letting. But I didn't go camping for the first time until I was maybe 20 years old. Oh, you wouldn't waste it on a camping trip. No, guys. And then I went camping. I would keep my jerk parties and my camping separate. I've been camping. I've been camping maybe five times in my life, all as an adult. One time. The only other times were with Bobby Kelly and his son. They were not daring me to jerk off in a campfire. I would, though, if you were there. This could be Louis Katz. He had a really dirty act back in the day. You think Louis just fucking blast load on a campfire? This is Jewish camp. They were bored. There was no girls there. No, everyone's circumcised. Louis, did it put the fire out? Definitely. Definitely. Vote for me. Fuck. I think this is Louis. Fuck. I don't know if it's him. Jeremiah would never say this. He's a beautiful boy. No, but I think he would. You remember Jeremiah had. Last time he was on Story Wars, he told some pretty out-of-pocket stories. No way. There's no chance. Yeah, but his sister smashing her ass against the glass. That's a different story. She's a whore. He walks with Christ. I love that story. This does seem like Jeremiah. I can tell you without a matter of a doubt, it is not me. Oh, all right. Oh, my God. Thanks, dude. Jeremiah, I want you to look at me right now. I love you. I've known you now for a long time, and we're good friends, and I really respect the shit out of you, and I think you're brilliant and hilarious. I'm going to vote for Louis Katz because of what you just said to me. If it's you, I'm hurt. Guess what? Our friendship will continue to blossom, brother. Say less, dude. Say less, Louis Katz. See, I got to play the game right now. The only way to win is not vote for Louis Katz, right? Because if it's Louis Katz and Big J votes for Louis Katz. It's Louis. I'm getting the vibe that it's Louis, but I'm also getting a Jeremiah vibe. Sure. I feel like Jeremiah's. I'm getting a Jeremiah vibe, too. Why can't it be me? Okay, how many white friends did you have growing up? A bunch. I grew up in Connecticut. Okay, that's true. That is true. That's very white, and that's where guys really dare each other to do gay stuff a lot. Right, right. And all your friends were white. You weren't in the South Korean section of Connecticut, I assume. I assume when you jerk off, your hands start glowing like Mortal Kombat, so they really kind of overkill. If you were a rice hack, could you control electricity? Yeah, when you did it, did you go Haruken? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. These are legit questions. But it's literally, it's fire in the video game. We're asking you things we want to know. This is how we tolerate. I thought we were cool. What the fuck, dude? We are, dude. When he comes, he goes, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo. Kamikaze-ya. Toasty. Finish there. Finish on him. Finish on that fire. He's on fire. All right, Jeremiah is my vote. I can't win this game currently, right? You can't win, but you can play giant game. No, you're done. Of course you can. You're done. Yeah. You're done. Emotionally. I can't win this game. Moral victory. No, Louis can for sure. But Jeremiah, you're done. Hey, whatever you do, I'm already proud of you. You voted Big J. For Big J. Hey. That's crazy. That's fine. We're going to Pizza Hut either way. Andre, the last person to vote. Very important decision here. Still trying to figure out that holder. Andre Kim in deep thought. Still fucking lost in the sauce with that holder. And, dude, come on. No. No. Come on, dude. Andre votes for Louis Katz. Alex, whose story was story number eight? Story number eight belongs to Louis Katz. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go, dude. I fucking knew it. Louis, tell us the story. Who were you with? You almost told the story. Was that Jewish summer camp? Oh, no. My schmeckle's hot. Everyone peed on the fire. And I said, I could take this up another level. Nice. And I jacked off on the fire. Hell yeah, you did. It was smoldering, I would say. It was definitely smoldering. It was already smoldering. Yeah, it was smoldering. And, yeah. What is that? And the bet I won everyone's respect and awe. That's all I want to say. Yeah, very nice. You ruled the shul. What did you jerk off to? That was really hard because it was in the dark and there was only fire and a bunch of guys. Yeah, that would be hard. But I closed my eyes and I really concentrated. I wish I could remember. Someone said that was concentration camp. Okay. That was good. That was good. This guy wrote a book for sure. Alex, give us our final scores. I think I know who won, but make it official. All right. In last place with six points, Louis Katz. No. Don't clap. No. In third place with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez. He's a bitch. Second place scored 18 points. And your winner tonight with 20 points, Big J. O'Kersey. You were here. You were here for one of the nights. That's a big day, guys. Fuck that. Fuck that. It's a big get. I get to take home making one block. Prints by Merlin Chesserman and Rod Nelson, two of my four favorite authors. Very exciting for me. How about a big round of applause for our amazing panel, the great Andre Kim. The great Jeremiah Watkins. The always great and hilarious Louis Katz. Thank you guys so much for being here at Story Awards. I'm Big J. O'Kerson. And I'm Louis J. Gomez. Until next time, peace. Peace.