108. Jeff Dye, Chris Stanley, Tristan Bowling | Holes

Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big J. OKRSON, the story warriors, are coming to a city near you. Go to my website, Lewisofsgangs.com to grab tickets for the Rattle Me this tour. Next up, I got Fort Lauderdale Florida at the comedy bar. Right after that, I got Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine. After that, I got Belmore, New York, Rochester, New York, North Charleston, South Carolina, and many, many more. And, guys, come see story wars at the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas, on October 28th. Two shows, comedy mothership, October 28th. If you go to BigJComedy.com, you can get tickets for all of my shows. Greatest yapper life tour happening right now. All many funny bones this weekend. Virginia Beach. After that, Timoni and Marilyn Magoobs, Cleveland, Ohio, Seattle, Washington, Denver, Colorado, so much more. It never ends. Greatest yapper life tour. Look for a city near you right now. BigJComedy.com. Fill her up. You're listening to the gas digital network. The ladies and gentlemen, it's story wars. Give it up for the story warriors. BigJ Oakerson and Louis. J. Double Man. Holy shit. What is up, New York comedy club? Make some fucking noise. That's a great whistle, my friend. It's another sold out show here at the New York comedy club Midtown, every Wednesday night here in New York City. Get those seconds in advance because we're selling out this massive theater every week. 75 weeks in a row. It's insane how many people are here. It never fucking ends. We asked this at the beginning of every story wars. Who hears familiar with the game? Pretty good. And who is not familiar with the game's story wars? What did you say? You're from Scotland. How about you go fuck yourself? Well, that's not what I want to handle. Fucking show. I was more impressed they had on the internet over there. Welcome to the show, Scotland. Thank you. If you're at your first time here at your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. We'll explain after we get our amazing panel of contestants up here. Our first contestant for the record of '0 and 2' here on story wars. You know him from the Modern Apes podcast. Also the Cock fight podcast. How about it for the hilarious Tristan Bolland. Tristan, I hope you prepared for tonight's show. I had very minimal time to, but yes I did. Well, good luck to you, my friend. '0 and 2'. This might be your last appearance if you lose tonight. We don't like losers on story wars. Damn, dude. I think I might cut tonight. Okay. Well, you're our next competitor with an '0 and 1' record in story wars history. He's got a podcast called 'Die Hard'. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Jeff. Die! Thank you. Thank you. Double. Jeff, we're happy to have you back on the show. Tristan thought that he was going to be the handsome boy on the panel tonight. Yeah, what a fucking idiot. Yeah. Oh my god, you bridge troll sitting next to that fucking beauty. Girls with blue hair fuck with me so hard, dude. Yes, true. That's true. That's fair. Last but not least, our final contestant with an '0 and 2' record here on story wars. You know I'm from the Bennington Show on Series 6M. Also, high society radio right here on gas digital makes noise for the hilarious Chris Stanley. Thanks for having me back. Thanks for being here, buddy. This is a Brooklyn Brawler ass fucking line up here. But you lose it. It really is. It really is. I mean, we do have two. We have had some. He meant there are record on the show, not just that we're losers. Oh, I took it. I took it. He was calling them all losers. I thought it was being a rock. Look at a bunch of losers. And I'm like, well, yeah, me. I was afraid it was really good. Oh, yeah, I haven't won. Yeah, these girls have these guys the whole world in front of them. Oh, they're fine. I mean, come on. They're okay. They've done some things. I mean, Jeff does been around for a while. He was on the last kind of extending. How? Any almost one. This is. And we almost won story wars. All three of us. That's right there. Almost. Somebody could walk away tonight with it. Somebody's, oh, must go. The odds are one of you could win tonight. But all five of us are in play. If it's your first time listening to show your first time here, it's a very simple game. All five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject. Holds. Holds. Holds. Holds. Holds. Holds. Hold the slasher. Hold the slasher. Yeah. Hold the slasher. This was a big J subject choice. It's good. Fantastic. Yeah. Isn't it? Going in any direction with this hole. Going so many fucking directions. That's God. And then I figured it would suck out Lewis, because he only knows about pussy holes. That's all we would think about. That's your buttholes, booger holes. What? I call them those as booger holes. Okay. You never heard of booger holes for? No. Oh, you're from them out west. Yeah. It's understandable. Alex. Our lovely producer is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time. They will appear here on this screen. If it's your story or the only person who knows that, it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess who story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So that means when it's your story, that's a huge opportunity. Okay. And it's all random. You could have one story, you could have zero stories, you could have three stories tonight. But if it's your story, do not squander that opportunity. You got to fool as many people as possible. Once you put your answer on the tablet and put the tablet right here, that's that. You cannot change your answer. And I'll tell you right now, we're going to have so much fun. Scotland, you guys are going to have more fun than a fucking potato haunted. Whatever you guys do, I don't know. Bro! No, that thing where they all like rolled down. They're eating some like fucking goat brains for breakfast. Oh, yeah. She fucking. Yeah, yeah! We found common ground. Speaking of holes. I don't think this is Scottish. I can't see their balls. But we don't play for fun. Did he just come to you? No, I'm going to come to it later on tonight. Out! Anything, the buff. Anything, the buff. This guy's going to be better. The movie's got to be better. If you win this, you can slap off to this and picture shy of the buff. You know what I mean? I'm going to masturbate like a girl for once. I think that's G-Mike. Is this crowd ready for war? Yeah! Come on New York City. Are you ready for war? Alex, would you please hit us with story number one? Story number one. I once had a tumor removed from my jaw. And to this day, I have a missing tooth and a big hole where it used to be. Not my story. All right. Interesting. That was a good approach. I don't know if that's so much a hole as there's a literal cavity in your mouth. Does that mean it's a hole? Well, technically an anus and all the things he referenced earlier are orifices. Interesting. Not holes. Interesting. Yeah, but no one says I want to fuck every orifice on your body. I want to fuck your old tumor mouth hole. Yeah. I like to be technical. I want to titty fuck your teeth between that mouth hole. Uh, tumor removed from my jaw. Here's the thing I'll tell you right now. Jay's out. I would know that Jay had a tumor removed from his mouth. I would never stop talking about it. That's insane. I don't -- I am missing a tooth right back here, but it's not from -- Interesting. Sure. I'm squinting honest with you guys. I'm trying to blow a statue at the museum. I broke my tooth on a hard cog. Yeah. Fucking Michael. He's looking at me. - That's it. - What is that guy thinking about that thing? - Sure. Because I'm thinking about getting in his best. I'll give you something to think about! So, Tristan is a young boy, he's like 20 years old, he's not getting tumors. But he's been doing comedy since he was 15, which means maybe it's like second chance at life thing. I mean, he had it too, more when he was a boy. He survived cancer, and then the whole town came together to build him up, and now look at him. He's great. No, dude, he isn't that missing too. He's a child cancer survivor, impossible, dude. No. This is his make-o-ish. Is there an age on tumors? I don't know how it works. I don't know. I find us through young people, young people, aren't getting tumors as much. What? Cancer is all inclusive. Anyone can get it. Absolutely. Little kids can have fucking tumors. I assume this is a little kid's story. Little kids are getting tumors less often than adults. I guarantee you. Why are you holding on to that so hard? Okay, maybe it's a little more or a lot more, but it happens to children. And guess what, Lewis? Every one of us have been a child before, so that doesn't eliminate you. You are close. It's not Tristan, listen. I'm missing, dude. It's fucking Stanley, obviously. I can't believe you're dying. That's fucking crazy for you to say. Stanley looks like he's currently dying of tumor. I have the flu. I think it's Tristan. It's because. Hold on. As an adult, I don't go to the dentist. So I could have a tumor in my mouth for all I know. But as a child, you're forced to go to the dentist, define mouth tumors. I was assuming you were raised bad and that if you had a jaw tumor, you would have just lived with it until you died from cancer. That's why I feel like I would have grown up. If I had a jaw tumor, I'd go, I guess it's just my jaw shape. It's a small jaw dog. Yeah. Yeah, I'm chiseled, man. Fucking, oh, you mean my jaw and hand. It looks like this looks maxing his wool. Yeah. That's clavically paid off. I got a jaw tumor just to fill out my fucking dumb face. Yeah, I'm getting so much pussy from this bone cancer, right? Just a missing tooth. What would it be an adult tooth, wouldn't it? Yeah. You're a tiny tooth. That's not going to be a teen tooth. I'm thinking it's a teen cancer tooth. Let's not talk about teen teeth, folks. Now I'm all turned on. Hot teen teeth. Hot teen teeth. Early legal teeth. A pedophile. A pedophile. A pedophile. A pedophile. No, no. That's Epstein's. Oh, it did. Jesus. Just a pedophile who's also a dentist. Epstein had fucking dental chairs. Yeah, they weren't used for dentistry. No. We don't know that. This motherfucker, are you kidding me? No. You took a lot of insurance. Alright, just fucking a day. Eventually you'd try some amateur dentistry. Smile. Stanley. [laughter] It's trying to hide his missing teeth. I guarantee you I have zero cancer that I know of now or in the past. I believe them. I think this would come up, too. It's either Stanley or Jeff. It could be just Jeff. We're seeing a beautiful man standing before us. That could throw us off, right? Oh, you think when they were taking another tumor, he was like, "And fucking, make it all right." And they were like, "Alright." And they fucking just made him awesome. Like Ben Rathasberger, when they had a motorcycle accident. Yes. Came back hotter. Yeah, they're like, "Make him awesome." Right. It's so hot. Yeah, can I get the worst? He looked weird and then they fixed his face a little bit. He still worked weird. I think this is Tristan. I guess Tristan. I've never gotten a cavity in my entire life. You haven't got a cavity. This is a tumor. I've never had anything go wrong in my head. Besides, maybe brain stuff. But teeth. No, you guys are wasting a vote. I just don't do it. He's doing it. I think it's Jeff now. Jeff, you could have Jeff. Jeff has brought a throw everyone on to. Jeff, you hear me earlier ago. Not my story. You did. Oh, that was really convincing. Alright, you know what? I almost slid over a lock in Jeff. I did, but he did say it. He opened with it. I started with that. God damn it. It ain't me, Lewis. I'm going to do it. I'm going, Jeff. Fuck. I don't know. He just seems like he puts things into his body that cause cancer a lot. Yes. I have to try my hand. But he doesn't fucking go to the doctor for it. No. Tough. I'm going with my instinct. Chris Stanley is my fucking answer. Fucked up, Doc. Maybe. It could be Jeff. But I think it's Chris Stanley. Jeff or Tristan. I went Tristan. Alex, everybody's in. For childhood cancer. Soaring number one belongs to Jeff Dodger. Damn it. If you just made me open my mouth. I didn't want to come. I was afraid you guys were going to go. "Let's see your heart and I have to go." And then you'd know. So what happened here? What was this? This was in the year 2000. I had like it was a benign tumor. I guess it keeps saying cancer. It was growing and growing. And I was kind of like what you said. Where I was like fuck it. I guess I'm just going to die. I'm not going to get it. Jeff only fucks benign. By nine. By nine. Yeah. And so I was just like I guess I'm going to let it keep growing. And then they sat me down. They're like you can't do that. It's going to grow and your job will break. Your job will break. Your job can't be any bigger and more beautiful. We must remove that now, sir. There's not enough rolls for guys in the 50s for you to play. Really putting the die and Jeff die. What? And so I just spent all the rest of my money. I went to Mexico with my buddies. And we were like let's just party and act like this. We went on a bucket list trip. I did. I swear to God. It was benign. 100% trip. We didn't know it was benign. Oh, okay. So I was like oh well and my parents are you know we're pretty white trash poor family. I was like they're not going to help or pay. And then I don't have any money and I don't even have medical insurance. And then when I came back home enough people had heard about it that the church gave me a bunch of money. The church. Yeah. That's lovely. The church. Of Scientology? Yeah. Which church? It was Christian Church non-denominational Christmas. You hear that Jews? The Jews would not be giving away their money. I'll tell you this much. But they are the doctors so they could probably just help. Add a discount. I can only help you add a discount mind you. Yeah. You have to give me something at least for the time. I mean forgive me but I did take a cab here. He's been playing buttons for fucking 20 years paying this thing off and just like a receipts. This was lunch in my travel. Sorry. You know I have everything itemized. I'm glad we all had a good laugh at the fact that I thought I was going to die. It was benign. It was benign dude. You ain't got fucking late Mexico. I don't know. I don't know. You was like hot to your wanna prostitute. You're really going to make me pay when I'm clearly dying. That was totally the line the entire trip. It's like yeah you know we just don't know if it's benign or not. Yeah. I'm dying from strong jaw cancer. You want me to add another layer to it. I was a virgin. I was a Christian little virgin so there was no fucking. There's no fucking. No holes on that trip. What did you do in Mexico? What's that? A bunch of like church guys set up. We rode go cards around. Like church. We rode the church. We rode the church. I was a nice boy. I wish he wasn't. We rode the church. We rode the church. We rode the church. We rode the church. I was a nice boy. I was a Christian American invention. We took a cooking class with an abuela. Private chef. Nice. Imagine you're a Jeff's funeral in the photo. It just came on a donkey. Oh my god dude. That story stinks. He died. I know. That's why I knew you guys are going to get a good life. What's in Mexico and had a nonsensically boring time. I died how I lived. Living Lafita look. Holy shit dude. That trip was benign. Fuck. Yeah no shit. God bless. Well you made up for it. You made up for it. All right Alex. Where are our points at? One story down. What a fun story. All right. On the board with two points. Each big Jay Okerson, Tristan Bowling, and Jeff Die. (Applause) Now remember all these stories are randomly pulled. So it could be anybody's story. It could be Jeff's story again. Coming up next. Story number two. Story number two. I fell into a K-hole when I thought the ketamine I was snorting was cocaine. I passed out on the sidewalk for 45 minutes. And oddly enough, woke up sober. Not my story. Not my story. This is Chris dude. Who doesn't have this story? I was gonna say this feels like this. This smacked of Lewis to me right away. It smells like Lewis. Okay. You love ket. Dog. No I mean look I don't love ketamine but I mean we've all been like oh this kind of like coke. Fun. Oh it's a powder. Then you're on a train going to self-locano's wedding finally going to roller coaster. It's wild. It's a wild time. And you wake up you're like I'm sober. How's that even possible? It's magic actually. I would say this I thought this was Lewis right away. But Lewis is in an interesting time in life right now where his sons and sons friends are in age where they might see our content. So Lewis would be like no I'm gonna tell James I've only been with his mother. That's not true, I tell drug, I tell drug stories all the time in the show. In fact, so much so that he was watching the show last week, I told the drug story and he was like, "Dad, really? I was like fuck." [ Laughter ] Well, it was from two weeks ago, the drug story. That's the problem, yeah. So, okay, great, then it could be you, I guess. Yeah, no, it could be. I mean, it's not. I have a story like this. I would also just -- You got five stories like this. James, I have this story just so you know. But this is not my story. James, your father isn't your actual father. He just took responsibility for you. Where's my camera? Your real father fell into a K-hole and never real met him. He fell into the K-hole. He's wandering around Spanish Harlem right now. This is Soci. He never got out. James. His name is Felipe Asparza. Find him. Gabriel Englaceus is your father. Find him. He owes you money. [ Laughter ] Yeah, so look out. Here's a note. It's not Jay. Jay's never done ketamine. Lewis made me do it once and I spit it out when he left. Wait, what? I made you do ketamine once? Boo. He goes at Skankfest. He comes over and he goes, "This is the stuff." He goes, "Oh, and the law is huge for me." It's medical grade. He goes, "Here, take this." And he put it on my tongue and he's like, "Suck on that." And then I start sucking on him. He opened his eyes and it was my cock. No. I go, I go, "What's he going to do?" He goes, "Dude, it's going to be great." You're going to feel like you're under water. You're not going to be able to hear everything you hear. I'm going to be drowning. What? Yeah, he goes, "You're going to hear. It's going to be muted." And you're going to-- And you're going to feel like you're seeing this from far away and I went, "All right, cool." And then he walked away and I went, "Pah." What the fuck on a cell was that? All your past things you've done bad are going to come back and haunt you. And stay. Like flatliners? Yes! Yes, you have to make peace with your sins of the past in order to stop being haunted by them. You're going to love it. No, experience the deep with me. Go further. When you think you couldn't push. Push through. Chris, why isn't this you because it is? Because the last time-- You're dropping shit, you're a mask. Last time I did ketamine was at an after Andrew W. K. show, not to age my-- Nice! And then got home. It was New Year's Eve, did that real ketamine and then decided I'm never doing this again. I didn't even fall into a k-hole. Because it was cocaine. No, 'cause it was fucking-- It was a big ol' rail and it was bad. It was a bad idea. Well, dude, you have to let's get a party started 'cause when you party, we go party harsh. I didn't think of that. Jeff Time, have you ever done ketamine before? No. Like-- Nah. To say nah, you heard me. Jeff. Why am I getting shit from Tristan? No, I'm just joking. I love you, Jeffy boy. Jeff, have you ever seen Andrew W. K.? No, I mean-- It's a real treat. Oh, yeah. It plays every instrument on stage. Yeah. It's a pianist. He ran for president on the party party. And he might also might be not the original Andrew W. K. or that, right? Oh, he also could be a clone. It's like the Undertaker? The College Undertaker, yeah. He's a fake Andrew W. K. There's two of them. Some things I'd become is actually Kevin Nash for a while. Oh, Tristan, have you done ketamine before? No, it used to be pretty big into cocaine. But-- What? But really? Yeah, never did ketamine. What rode you off those rails? 'Cause you were-- everyone, when I met you, it was like your parents brought you us to do comedy when you were 15, supported family. What was your problem with cocaine? What were you running for? I mean, like, first-- It wasn't running for-- I was running towards Moore cocaine. Sure. Well, I heard that's what happens when you take it. You do want to get to see that. Yes, but in any direction you're running, there is more cocaine at the end of it. Yeah. Oh, sure. What an optimistic perspective. Well, it's because on cocaine, you'll endlessly run until you bump into some more. You will eventually-- if you just run in a straight line, eventually, you would run into cocaine. You should put that on a mug. We do need merch. We do need show merch. I want to know why you never done ketamine. And I think that will be telling. I just because I already have downers that I-- Right, I would have prescribed legal Xanax. So I was just like, if I want to go down, I'll just do some of that shit. I'm not-- But in this story, it was a mistake. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's when I thought-- Ooh! Because-- I don't do other-- What is the person loved cocaine so much? I don't do other people's drugs. I don't even know why. That's a giant mistake. Don't seem to be afraid of any of those type of things. Well, I didn't really kind of mess with ketamine just because I don't like doing other people's bags because I don't know what the fuck they got in there. That's a very young person thing. Our generation, like, give me the fucking bag. What are you doing? Find the bag in the bag. Yeah, see. I literally found drugs on the street. In your mind, you're like, you're going to start dying. I'm like, how could you? [LAUGHTER] The other night I found cocaine in my fentanyl and I was fucking furious. Motherfucker. [LAUGHTER] I was like, what-- Yeah. So I only took a fingernail's worth because that's what's supposed to be able to kill you. Oh, dude. I found all those cocaine in my nose. [LAUGHTER] Dude, how funny must it be if you watch, like, if you're a person who takes fentanyl, the thing that's the accident killer. Yeah. If that's your drug of choice, when they show the showing intervention, they go, so-and-so, you know, does cocaine. It could be laced with fentanyl, where a fingernail can kill you. And you see the fentanylatic, you're like, [LAUGHTER] No, it can't. Yeah. There's like, sure. Sure, I mean, if you-- Dude, I want to build up-- If you're fucking rookie. I want to build up a fentanyl tolerance. That'd be great, dude. It's like, dude, I can do-- Dude, I do fentanyl on the morning. I wake and bake my fentanyl. Just be honest. Be honest with yourselves for a second. And forget that the world's in a major fucking problem with this. What? If you could tolerate fentanyl, it must be the best. Am I right? Oh, it's like a-- It's not like lactose, where you have an intolerance to fentanyl. Listen. [LAUGHTER] No. We could all get fentanyl tonight. And then we did beat up. And with all of us here, we eyed up. Everyone take a little less than a fingernail's worth. There's got to be-- You can probably fucking take a finger. Let's all do it. There's a-- Thank you. [APPLAUSE] Wait, wait, wait. But first, let's all go get the same sneaker. So if we all die, it'll make it seem like it was something bigger than it was. Yeah. Oh, there's just like a stupid like, "Hey, let's all try fentanyl." It'll be like, no, they were trying to ascend to a higher plane. Fucking needier, dog. Dude. All right, let's start imposing some sort of a manifesto. Lewis, what's the first? Give me the first words. The first words are, I am putting my vote in for Chris Stanley, because it's obviously his story. I think it's Lewis. I think it's Lewis. I think it's Chris. Really, Jake. Really. Okay. Torn. I know nothing about this. Yeah. I'm going to go with my instincts. He was like, I was in Mexico. And I told everyone not to defend it all. You fucking-- You know what? Fucking tentamines in Mexico. And give it out. Yeah. Jay. Oh, I mean, everyone's putting in votes for Lewis's stupidity. Stupidity. I change it from Lewis to you. Good. Interesting. If it's you, we're going to beat down one tablet. No, we're not. You're going to break the tablet. I'll break it. That's crazy. I don't give a shit. That's a crazy response. I'll throw cash at you to buy another tablet. I don't give a fuck. You're going to be-- I got extra tablets, Chris. Just throw it at yourself. No, I'm going to hit you with it. Why me? It's our-- For your behavior. For making me-- for lying to me. I think it wasn't it. Alex, whose story was story number two? What do you want it? Who you want it? Story number two belongs to-- Chris Damley. [APPLAUSE] Oxfuckers. Oxfuckers. Hey. Why? I'm not breaking the tablet. Don't know nothing about it. It's okay. It's fine. I mean, we just wasted so much time. We all knew it was you the whole time. I don't know how-- I really thought it was you. This could be you. You have a story for sure. That's why I dropped it. It could have been me. So yeah, someone handed me a fucking bump at the end of the night. And then I did it, not knowing it was ketamine. Immediately fell into a k-hole. Took a cab home. It was totally just associated. I thought I was in a dream. I was like, fish eye lens. I was like, oh, this dream's crazy. I'm in a cab right now. [LAUGHTER] Then I came out of it for a second. Oh, wait, no. I did drugs. I didn't want to do. And then got out of the cab. Couldn't walk. Got to the gate of my home. And then lay down. It's curled up into a ball. And fell asleep for 45 minutes and woke up with the police over. Pretty much exactly what that was. Great story. Great story. Great story. I tell you. I got to say, it's so funny. It's because I had my daughter so young that I don't have any of these. I didn't try all these things. And now my daughter's 23. So now I'm like, hey, should we all do some kind of a weird drug and blah, blah. Everyone's like, no, dude, I have to stop. Like now I smoke weed all the time. And I go to you who just told this story of something I've never been anywhere near close apart of. And I go, Chris, weed. You go. Nah, dude. I have the flu. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm not feeling well. You don't smoke weed anyway, though. I think it got a bulls. A little bit. Yeah, you just want to eat anything in front of you, though. There's nothing to do with the drugs. Yeah, it's fucking waiters. You call this an edible. (Laughter) Alex, where are points at? All right, in last place with one point. Chris Stanley. (Applause) Todd for third place with two points each. Louis J. Gomez and Jeff Dye. (Applause) And Todd for first place with four points each. Big J. Ogerson and Tristan Bowling. (Applause) Scotland, you having fun? What do we tell you? What do we tell you? Hey, story awards. Let's take one second to thank one of our amazing sponsors over here. And that is hymns. Oh, helping all of you limp noodle dick weirdos out there. And you fat fucks nothing weird about it. Sometimes you can't get your dick hard. Sometimes you're banging an ego. Sometimes it's because you're fat. And this can help you with both. You could be hard-dicked and less fat because hymns cares about you dudes. That's what they do. They connect you with the license healthcare provider online. So you can get access to legit ED treatment options from home. You don't have to make any awkward appointments or wait and line at a pharmacy. You provide a review your online intake form to determine if treatment's right for you. If it's prescribed, it ships right to your door and you're good to go. And it is. They're not, look, whatever. 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This would have had to have come up that Lewis had these people that can do that. I think we could all kind of do it if you just figured out. I feel like it's you for sure. It's the way the head works, but if Lewis had that the I know every he tries to do it, it just shut this brain off yo. So I'm one A's Hardware. Go get me a fucking railroad tie right now. You just sneeze and it just flush with your nose. I'm willing to bet I can get it fucking fucking balls the butthole. Here's the thing. I've seen people do this. This is like a circus trick. It's a freak show. You guys you guys would have said I did coke magic multiple times. You guys would have seen me do this. It's not a freak show. I mean magic. I've gotten the fucking the camera from the doctor, the ENT before. It's just how your head works. I also can do this. I don't I didn't think you did any of us could be. I'm trying to help you. So this is so huge. If Lewis had this thing, I know every magic trick he does. And then I stopped because he made me feel bad. He was right. I used to get so annoyed of Lewis doing his silly magic that I maybe I don't know what it was. Maybe it was maybe an ego jealousy. I have no idea. But Lewis and I would I would go he's doing blah blah blah. And then Lewis looked at me one time. He was like, why are you running people's sense of wonder and amazement? And I went, I went, you're right. Is it can't move? Do your magic trick? I'm a piece of shit. Absolutely. Chase the mass magic. You're like both Ken and Taylor. He fed you that card. You were fed that card. He knew it was going to be the ace of clubs. It's all a string in his mouth. There's already a card inside the lemon. He preloaded the card inside the lemon. I don't know why we're the mass though. Who's going to find his magicians will fuck with you. You think they're going to try a gang of these magicians. That's not funny to anyone. Just like a bunch of guys in the hats with the little rings on them just hitting the canes. They turn into knives instead of flowers. Firing doves at you. You keep on pulling the colored papers out of your mouth. You fuck with the wizard council. But at the end of those napkins, Tommy gun. It's on the end of a grenade. At the end of that we bumped. Sweetened it. Sweetened it with laughs. Yeah, yeah. You do a laugh track. Sweetened it up. So, all right, so you're just like, "Tristan, am I crazy? Do you not practice some sort of magic or something?" You had your mind, I don't know. Why would you tell the truth? I don't do gay shit like that. Tuggy. I don't believe that. I'm not trying to do it. That was too big of a shutdown. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be the man in an 8-year-old's birthday party. Tuggy, I'm telling you, right now, Tristan does math. I think it's magic. You just got a sense of wonder and amazement for sure. You have the mustache. I have a magic mustache. Magic mustache. Yeah, you do, but it's cool. It's like I have a magician. But like from like the Voidfield days. Oh, finally. Happler, ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Oh, the man's already sawed in half. I'm gonna show you the ones that don't do tricks that just go, "Punch me in the stomach." What a spike in my cheek. Today, I'm gonna swim in the Hutton River in February. I'm gonna walk on glass. Ow, my feet are destroyed. My talent is, come fuck me up. I'm gonna have a strong man step on my balls. Now, gather around. Watch me take this cannon to the gut. Yeah. I don't do magic. You do 1930 circus magic. By the way, how funny is it? I always give a reminder that every couple of years, I don't know why I thought Houdini died, like in a drowning thing or something. In fact, he goes, "I could take any punch and a guy punched him." And he took it and then he just died later from that punch. I think he was checking his mail and he wasn't ready. And everyone was aware of the trick. And they're like, "Hey, Houdini's like, what's up?" And he's like, "Bah!" Like, that's literally. That's how we died? - I could have sworn it was a guy who saw him at the show and then went up to his hotel room and just knocked on his door and then he'd just be like, "Oh, room service." He's like, "Gah!" (laughing) - One delivery of a fucking two-piece to the guy. - Oh, to someone order a knuckle, same way. - He died from a fucking body. I was single body shot from a guy. - He killed man. - Dude, imagine when the guy turns around. He's like, "Written, good seeing a fan." He's like, "Oh my fucking, good." (laughing) - He feels it immediately. - Big fan, dude, you gotta go, "Mm-hmm, there's something's wrong this time." - He throws up something yellow. (laughing) - Oh, fuck. - That's an organ. - I don't think it's normal. Oh, God. - Is it hot in here? I'm getting hot. - Is it bad? Is it bad? Is it bad? I don't wanna look, is it bad? - Oh, man, my stomach's a slushy. What happened to me? - You're not gonna be okay. - I think as this Tristan, he comes from a long line of traveling gypsy performers. - Oh, I didn't know that. - That's a waste of a vote. I'm telling you, someone's running hot clothes. - I would also say that if that was me, Tristan. A lot, great job. Great job with the riffing distraction, Tristan. - I'm going. - I had a good time riffin' with you though, but I got to be honest. (laughing) - I had a full riff. - That was really fun. - A full riff, man. - But it was all just smoking mirrors to get us off of it. - Like a magician. - Like a magician. - I, honestly, the way that you brought me so the way you confidently said, Tristan, I think you do magic, got everyone on their side. I think it's you, you're a fucking magician, you lying down. - I'm not a magician. That's what a magician would say to you. (laughing) - Yeah, dude. - It's not magic, it's an illusion. - It's a dark arts. - No, I think it is, it's a fuck. Do you put stuff in your nose? (laughing) - We know, we're gonna save it us. - No, it's not in the Christian eye. - The Dorky Stories. - Again, I feel like I would just know if Chris Stanley could fucking shove things up his nose. - I mean, powder, but that's it. - I know, but when you do that powder, it makes sure you're like, it fucks up your nose so you can like throw quarters in there. - Oh, sure, this whole thing. - You said you had a major coke problem 10 minutes ago. - And he doesn't? - He did. - He found, oh, it's not a problem. - Guys, you found us sleep in front of your house like a stray cat, so. - I've never done coke really, and we can all shove screwdrivers in our nose, we did it the right way. - I'm going low as you. - I'm locked in, I'm going low as you. - That's retarded, that's you, it doesn't matter. - I kinda want it to be, or like, we haven't really asked you any of that shit, you got pierced in your nose. - He doesn't have metal currently in his nose. - And he was the first guy to go like, anyone, anybody, this could be anybody. And that's it. - Dude, I still have a hard time. Every time I swallow pills, I almost throw up. - Okay. - Have you ever been part of a dark carnival, some sort? - I could, I'll be honest with you, dude. I would make a lot more money at gathering the jugglers if I could do this. - And I also think if I could-- - I just do comedy. If I could fucking also nail a fucking screw with all my goddamn nose. - I don't, I don't think it's a lot of money, actually. - This is Fago. - Yeah. - I get paid in Fago. - A lot of it though. - Yeah, a lot of Fago though. And by the way, it's a public company. - I feel like Lewis would have said-- - He went public recently. - He would have voted for him. - But only one thing was-- - So one just cleaned up so bad, it's crazy. I'm not going to lie, this is not fucking shit. - Well, we have everyone-- - Everyone votes for Tristan, Tristan votes for me. Alex, who's story? - Ah, shit. - Ah, shit. - Story number three belongs to Lewis. - Yeah! - Donut! - Yes! - Yes! - I told you! - Jay, everyone can do this. Are you just saying you can do it, but you've never done it? - No, I have done it, I haven't. - No, you haven't. - Yes, I have. - Go. I don't give a fuck. - Who has to go, go get a fucking giant bowl or-- - Get me a nail, like a somewhat thin nail. Don't do a screwdriver, and I used to do it all the time. I used to literally tap it in with a hammer. I swear to God. - Well, anyone can do it. - It's really not, I mean, literally you're not, you put your head back in your nasal cavity. Your nasal cavity just goes straight back. - Just please don't lobotomize yourself live on your own show. - It'll go so hard. - I submitted five stories, why would I make this up? - I feel terrible if she picked your lie. (all laughing) - Stay hold on, what, you think this is a lie, but you're the one who specifically said that everyone can do that? - Right, but I've never done it. - You never tried it. - I neither have you. - I most certainly have. - Then let's see it tonight. - I mean, if you get me a nail, I'll try it. - Okay. - Yeah, I've been done it, I've been done it since I was a 13 years old. - But why not? - Hey, Seraphina, take your crazy side to the outside. I'm sure someone will give you a nail. (all laughing) - Give you a whole finger. - Yeah, so. (all laughing) (all laughing) (clapping) - Ow! (all laughing) - Oh my Lord, dude, I can't believe it. What's the scores? - No, we're doing the scores, I'm excited to wipe it. You spit all over it. - No. - Jesus Christ. - Alex, where are scores? - All right, in last place with one point, Chris Sandling. (all cheering) In fourth place with two points, Jeff Dye. (all cheering) And third place with four points, Big J. Ogerson. (all cheering) In second place with five points, Lewis J. Gomez. (all cheering) And in first place with six points, Tristan Bowling. (all cheering) - Scottish ladies going to get a bolt. (all laughing) Oh shit. Hey, I'm sorry, I'm so hung up on that story. I don't know how I feel about it. Guys, let's not forget, keep your eyes on the prize, everyone. We're gonna take home the novel that reveals the history of Green Lake through a series of interconnected stories. One follows Sam, a black onion farmer who is known throughout town for his kind nature. - Wait, hold on a minute, does he farm black onions or is he black onion farmer? - Like I tell you something, in the copy, black is capitalized. - One story follows Sam, a capital black lowercase onion farmer. So my guess is the black gentleman, a man of color. - I don't know if I've ever had a black onion. - Well, when I'm deciding if I want to read a book, I need to know. - I think there might be a thing called a black onion, but I feel like the-- - Someone typed that out, it was on the back of the book cover and capitalized. - Nope, someone capitalized it over here, yeah. - That's good, that's good. - That's good stuff. - You know what, no one, by the way, if black onions even a thing, no one farms one onion. - You're an onion farmer of all kinds of onions and you are a black gentleman. - I don't know if that's true. - It's a big fucking onion. - You don't believe black people can't farm onions? - What? - Fuck you, you racist. - I don't believe what you're a black farmer. - This is a problem with the fucking Rogan's fear. (audience laughing) - It's the red pill. - Where's my camera? (audience laughing) - A black onion farmer who was known throughout town for his kind nature. After falling in love with a white school teacher named Catherine, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. It was a different time. - Lookin' hot. - Where the hell am I? Was she a white school teacher or did she teach at a white school? - Shit. - Can I tell you something? Lewis, white is lowercase here. (audience laughing) So I don't know. (audience laughing) That school building might've been white too. - She could've been a white school building that was painted white. - If I'm following trend, it's a white school. She's not necessarily white. - She's a black onion. - Her name is Catherine with a K, which could be black. (audience laughing) There's no apostrophes, but Sam becomes the target of the town's racism. I hate that for them. And their relationship ends in tragedy. - No. - Their romance changes Green Lake forever. - Wow. (audience applauding) - Hold, starting Shyla Buff. (audience applauding) Now I gotta go see holes tonight. (audience laughing) Tonight. Alex, story number four. (dramatic music) - Story number four. I once broke my hand because I genuinely tried to punch a hole in a tree. - Now how is, how is this not Lewis? (audience laughing) I know odds are it's not him two in a row, but it's happened a lot. And this is the Lewis thing. - Let me just say this. This is also a J thing. There's still lots of, lots of. - I thought of it before you said it. I was like, also, this could be a completely me thing. - I mean, we've all, like I've punched holes in every wall, every apartment that I've ever lived in, every closet, in every house. - And only three women. (audience laughing) - I punched that hole. - So you decided to evolve not to punch the dry wall, but go right for the fucking thing that made the house. (audience laughing) - I've always punched walls. I use a stud finder, and I wait till it stops beeping, and I fucking weigh it. (audience laughing) - Smart. - But you gotta do the thing first or you put it on yourself, you're like, huh? (audience laughing) - Oh, by the way, can I be honest with you? I still don't know, I've never hung anything because I don't trust a stud finder, but every time I bought one, which is probably five or six times through my life, I've always brought it home, put batteries in it, and we'll see if it works. - Dude, dude, dude, dude. All right, it's calibrated. And then I go, I don't trust it. (audience laughing) I do it and I go, that doesn't, I don't know, the noise doesn't, I'm gonna hire a handyman. - Taskrabbit. - And then I let taskrabbit guy use my stud finder, but first I go, do you don't have to use yours? I actually got one and look, it works. - Boo, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And then I go, you see, though. - There's falling out of your pockets, this one stud finder after a dozen. - I mean, when they come in, a taskrabbit will come in, they're gonna hang a picture, they don't hang a picture, they have like lasers that zap up on the walls, they do all this other shit. - They also probably fucking hate that joke. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Oh, there's a stud finder thing, just give me this fuck. - We know the, no. - Yeah, no. - Now we're gonna solve the fucking time. - No, they want the good review, dude. They fucking give you a good old belly lamp better. - 'Cause they am, dude, you just write that? And then I go, "Oh, well, I am professional comedians, I don't know what to do." - I go, "I do, I already know unfair, a little bit, I'm pro." - You're super funny. Now, I'm gonna go be a real man in your home. - Hang out on the other room. - Here's my, you might notice my cringe humor award for up-and-comer of the year, 2007. - Let's, I mean, Jeff, you're also like a nice guy, but a big dude, you know, this could be your younger girl, broke your heart. - Probably psycho. - Yeah. - You probably lost your mind. - Oh, punched a tree. - You saw, you saw a tree, you're like, "This is what they made, the cross that they put Jesus on it." - Yeah. - Fuck this, please. - I'm gonna take it out on the trees. - Yeah, now I'm a carpenter. - Also, Tristan, Tristan may be a big fan of anime, where they believe if they summon certain powers, they could punch a hole in a tree. - Yeah. - Like a fist of a North Star type situation. - Lewis, did you ever do any Muay Thai training in Taiwan, where they can't afford, like, you know, the body bag thing. - We really like to hit the trees to strengthen your knuckles. - Yeah. - Did you ever do any of that? - None of that. - Okay. - So it's a punch hole tree, it was woman shit. - This could also be a drug. - This is a woman alcohol thing, too. - This is somebody's mad at a woman and they tried to punch a hole in a tree. - Well, that's what me and you both think for sure. - It's the only reason men punch holes in walls is you bitches. - I don't know why, but why do you punch holes in trees? - Only the strongest in men. - Yes. - You're trying to punch a hole in a tree, could be for the reason. - You're trying to catch a Kebler elf, it was Chris Stanley, that's it. - Cookie. - Maybe that tree is the one thing from stopping you from developing that new project you were trying to develop when you were breaking ground in 2027. - I'm more of a street fighter guy. I fight cars. - Yeah. - Punched a lot of cars and drywall, but never a tree. - This fucking thing. - Not my story is what I'm getting at. I did attack a tree in college over a woman and I also broke shit in my house over women. So, but I never actually punched. - You broke them over women? - You picked up a hole tree and broke it over a woman. - You set a bump above a woman and broken over her. - Now all of a sudden, you're getting into my head. - You punched a tree because a woman says you walked up and she was fringing a tree and you're like, "Hey, mother fucker, she's spoken for." "Hey, what are you doing? Stop taking advantage of my girl." She's like, "Stop. I wanted it." - I mean, I heard him. - Oh, that was hot. - It's my fault I wanted it. - We've been drifting apart. - There's a bird nest in his branches. - He shows his family. - He shows me what he is and you're close off. - Yeah, I, Big J, is doing a lot of talking this round. Now look, here's the thing, Jay. I know you have anger problems. - Sure. - I know that you can't spell "Ocherson without the word oak." I'm thinking that maybe-- - Little Easter egg. - Maybe you were like, "Okay, there's only one oak in this town and you fucking went through the tree." - That was good logic here. - That oak was taking my thunder. Lewis, I was almost ready to vote for you in the beginning of that. And then your argument was that the oak tree in town was taking my thunder. - Smart. But that's what convinced me. - I almost wrote it for myself, but I can't. I forgot they don't make it possible. I was like, "Oh my god, did the fucking that said oak?" I was like, "No, the O'm the town oak." And then I was like, "Wait, that never happened." - But that's what convinced Old Jeff. - But I could say, like, Jay, I don't know that you've ever broken up, but this is the-- I know you, I know me. - I broke this story. - This is a story that either one of us could have. - And that's why I'm going to put my vote in for Big Jay, "Ocherson." - Aw. I'm going to put my vote in for Jeff to die. - Really? - Oh, that's good. I honestly feel like he would be put in a situation where he's like in a park with a girl, and they're in an argument. - Sure. - And he's just like, "Just fuck me, you virgin faggot?" - He's like, "No. I can't. Good." - "Burke, me a mord. Burke." - It's also-- - Quiet down, Kinsuela. - I won't do it. I'm married to Jesus. - You think I'm this close to the Kingdom of Heaven, and I'm going to blow it on the one yardline? - This could be some kind of like a Christian camp like celibacy thing, too. - I've truly been hit on all of the sides of the spectrum. - Oh, fuck, boy, Jeff. Fuckin' everybody on it. - Yeah. - And they're like, "Oh, you pussy ass faggot." - Yeah, you never thought, girl. - You never thought it was-- - You never thought it was one, Emma! - We contain multitudes. - One or two. - Two things to be-- two things to be-- - You're a diverse individual, my friend. - Two things to be possible to once. - Like an onion. - Like a black onion. - Black is the funniest. - You're like a black onion. - I don't want to be a black onion. - I mean, I want to vote for Lewis, because Lewis voted for me. - It's not me, and it could be either of us, it's true, but I'm-- - Raise your vote. You guys think Lewis? - I think Lewis-- - She thinks it was me. - Yeah, she knows your bullshit. - Fuck you, lady. - Jeff, why Jeff? - Chris. - I feel like we're pressed Christian anger, no offense, Jeff. - Maybe. - I got no anger. - Oh, he thinks-- - See? He's like, "I've literally repressed it." - I could use some anger. - He let it all out on that goddamn tree. - I'm going out on a limb. - Out on a limb tree joke. - You mother fucker, hand turkey. Ooh, I love a fucking tree joke. - Workplace. - Tristan. Alex, all of our answers are in. Who broke their hand on the tree? - Story number four belongs to Lewis. - You piece of shit. (audience applauds) - Yeah, this was a girl that was cheating on me regularly. In fact, regular story wars appearance girl, the girl that you ate out behind my back. - It wasn't behind your back. - You remember that girl? It wasn't behind your back at all. I had no idea there was a thing there at all whatsoever. And she invited me over to eat her pussy. And she wasn't even fucking hot. - No, I can agree with that, hand turkey. - That's what her pussy looked like a hand turkey. No, this girl, she was just a fucking slut bag who was just regularly fuck other guys. Let Big J eat her pussy behind my back. - He asked me to let me fuck you. You wish, dude. Your dream girl begged me to munch your fucking box. While she played guitar here on expert, she didn't get through the song. - Dungie, this girl was such a pig. She was just regularly like fuck other people that I knew. She just drove me out of my mind. There's also the same girl that I would read Harry Potter in the park with when I was 19 years old. We would read Harry Potter through to your booing that. - That's the same girl who was boxed I munch 'cause she begged me to while she was playing guitar here. While her mom was asleep in the other room, she was trash garbage. - Yeah, dude, that's what, but now you have her hog warts in your mouth. - You're not wrong about that. You're not wrong about that, you're right. - Those are her first and last names. - No, I mean not, so. - Cumbledore. Talk about Borker. - Local whore. - So she cheated on me or something, whatever it was. But dude, dude, there was a tree. I mean, it wasn't even like, it wasn't even like a little tree. I'm talking about it was like a tree that had to be growing for 200 years. - Oh, why is tree? - Dungie, this is redwood. Dungie, this is the thickest tree you ever did see. If you put a knife into it, cops might stop you. - It's local whore. - I ran up to this tree. Like as I'm crying, I ran to it and I overhand right punch the tree. - You ugly bitch. - Dude, and I mean, I literally felt, I felt the tree. I felt my hand go into the tree. I was like, holy shit dude, I'm strong. It wasn't my hand going into the tree. It was my entire hand shattering. Shattering back, dude, it literally, it felt like everything caved in. - It was the tree punching it to you. - Yes, dude. The tree was like, why are you doing that ugly bitch, gush. - I've made that mistake. - And yeah, dude, I mean, it was probably a year and a half because I never went to the doctor. It's a year and a half of my hand being fucked up. - You brought a hand to a tree? - It's hard. - I hate you. Could I have popcorn? Sarah, if you, I need popcorn for this to see. Alex, where are our points at? - All right, in last place with one point, Chris Stanley. - That's bad. - So in it. - Still in it. - Oh yeah, sorry. in fourth place with two points, Jeff Dye. (audience applauds) - Don't win it, still in it. - It's twice the amount. - Twice the amount. - And third place with four points, Big J. Ogerson. (audience applauds) - Still in it, still in it. - And second place with six points, Tristan Bowling. (audience applauds) - Fuck you, dude. Cheater, Mick Cheedy pants. - I'm gonna go hit a tree and that tree is gonna be James. - And in first place with nine points, Lewis J. Gomez. (audience applauds) - All right, we are at the halfway point of the show. Real quick, let's go around the horn. Let's plug your, anything that's necessary. This show doesn't come out, remember, for good six weeks. - Jesus, great. - I'm Stan Man, 4269 on Instagram and Twitter, it's a great follow. Bennington on series XM, Bennington SXM on Instagram, and a high society radio on the guest digital network and YouTube. (audience applauds) - The lovely Sarah Fina. - Jeff.com, all my tour dates are there. I'm always somewhere and then I have a podcast called Die Hard. That's it. (audience applauds) - Very cool. - Tristan Bowling. - So, September 3rd, you can see me at the comedy cabinet in Wisconsin, I'm going to be headlining there before I feature there the rest of the weekend with Mr. Levfer. Gonna be a lot of fun speaking of Levfer and Colin Turrell. I'm on podcasts with them called Cockfights and also another podcast called Fucking Martin Apes with me and my buddy, Dana Bridgegad. - So, tune in. Tristan is a comedian for all my dates on Instagram. - Big J. - Big Jcomedy.com for all my dates. Make sure you listen to the Bond Fire five days a week in Fact and Talk series XM 103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show over here at the guest digital, Legion of Motherfuckin' Skanks. (audience cheers and applauds) - And for life, free for life. And watch the Kevin Hart roast, it's still out. - Hell yeah. - Come see me on the road, loseofskanks.com. Check out all the other pods that I do, all available on guest digital. Speaking of guest digital, if you love this show, you should know that we do the uncensored, add free version of the show. It comes out Monday nights before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else. You can watch that show exclusively at guest digital.com. Plus unlock probably 70 or 80 episodes that aren't available anywhere else. The entire guest digital story wars library, all available in one place. Add free, uncensored, guest digital.com. Use the promo code war, save a couple bucks a month. It helps out the show directly. And go buy my book Knives and Spoons, available on Barnes and Noble's, where I was on to when we were else. (audience cheers and applauds) So, we're halfway through the game here. Jeff Dye is having an embarrassing performance. Chris Stan Lee, even worse. - Really bad. - Somehow, it doesn't look good for you guys. - No, not at all. - But. - What? - But. And the second half, Jay, you could let him know what's going on because it's not like the first half. - Oh, you guys are still very much involved 'cause we bump everything up to double points. - Oh, yeah. (audience cheers and applauds) - Oh my God. - I've heard about this, where you get-- (audience cheers and applauds) - Yeah, I've heard about that. - Yeah, where you get-- - Yeah, yeah. Before, if you guess somebody correctly on two points, if you full somebody at one point, Jay, what happens now? - Well, I know it's up to double points. (audience cheers and applauds) - Sounds exciting. - That's the fourth point. - Well, the issue is, I feel like the Scottish friends in the corner, I know you come from far away lands with dragons and mist. But, hey, do you understand that now, Lewis, if you may? No, he's-- - He just went, "We spiking lurch." - I mean, sorry, sir, but-- - It was crazy. - You don't speak American. - Yeah, that was fucking nuts, whatever. - Can you say it less foggy? - Sounds like do. - Hey, did you guys know the Loch Ness Monster was just a whale's dick? - Sever, ain't that a bitch? - Alex, story number five. (dramatic music) - Story number five. During COVID, I got very into earwax removal videos. To the point where I almost got my own tools to explore my ear hole. - Who's a fucking creep? - Oh, no, dude, I've done this. - I would do this. - I have the tool, it's awesome. You got to look into your ear canal, get all that wax out, it's fantastic. Feels good to shit, too. But this ain't my story. (audience laughing) - Bobby got-- Bobby got me something where you could-- Bobby Kelly got me something where you could look at the camera or your phone-- - Yeah, yeah, that's what I got. - I didn't do it. Somebody said, but I got whatever that stuff you're supposed to put in like you flush in your ear and you're supposed to take everything out. Not come. I forget what it was, but it was some kind of earwashed thing that was, and then I put it in and my ear shut off for fucking three months. And it began a long-term series of EN problems. - Well, it's not listening to his friends. (audience laughing) - What? No, so I don't fuck with my, I would, I mean, I go way further and you're supposed to with Q-tips, but-- - It changes everything, what you got to camera up and that shit. - You're enthusiasm for this is not helping. - It's fucking great. - I think happened like 11 years ago, so it was before COVID. - I feel like we just painted a beautiful picture for Chris to be the answer to this question. - He's been, he's been-- - Oh, this isn't my story, it could be, but it isn't. - You do like earwax removal videos now. You're into that. - I know, I like making my own, you know what I mean? Like fucking seeing the inside of my own, you're not doing real amateur stuff. (audience laughing) - You got a phone set up in the corner of the room? You don't want that over-produced earwax shit. - Bullshit. - No, I just like a film grain. (all laughing) - I don't want to see your Hollywood production of earwax removal. - It's not real to me, man. - No. - I need the girl to be a little fat. (audience laughing) - Just a little. - Somebody hears that, all right. So Tristan is, once again, young buck. They're on TikTok all the time. This could be an algorithm thing that fucking just pops in. - I can't do that shit. Like, I have like a weird kind of adverse-- - Body horror? - Not like body horror, but just like kind of like, when people are like, oh man, look at the biggest shit pulled out of an ass. And I'm like, I'm good. That shit's grossed me, I can't do it. - You're like, I'm good, Arya Shafir. No, stop texting me. - I just don't like that. I get really like, even if someone's talking about like kind of gross stories, I get like wet in the mouth and I like, - What? - You salivate? - No, like, do you know what-- - That's what you're getting wet in the mouth is. - Fuckin'-- - Every time somebody's talking about shit, I start to get wet in the mouth. (audience laughing) That's psychonic. - I think about it being food previously. - No, no, you just know, when you're about to barf, when you're just like, phew. - Sure. - Yeah. - You guys never done that? All right, no one else is barfed in here. - Nobody, I never heard of called getting wet in the mouth. - You don't get wet mouth? - I know what you mean. - Well, thank you, Big J. Thank you, Jason. - Yeah. But this could be you, I agree with that. It could be a fucking being on TikTok. - There's one of us from six years ago, during COVID. Specifically during COVID. - What we were all like during that time. - Everybody that talks about it sounds like they're the one. - I was freaking out. (laughing) - It's wildlife zone at this time. - I was unfortunately into wiping down my groceries. Like a psychopath, I was so afraid. Ear wax removal was the least of my worries. I watched 15 seasons of supernatural and fucking wiped all my groceries off. - It's dark. - This girl just watched me just stare directly into her husband or boyfriend's face because I want to make fun of his ugly head. But I was trying to think of what to say and she caught me in the moment. She was like, oh, he's gonna trash my fucking husband's face right now. And she started cackling. She started being like, oh, he's gonna fucking make fun of you. And the only thing I could think of is you look like Jeff Ross dressed for less. (laughing) - That's good. - That's good. - Go speed faster, general. - Where is that before the rose, dude? (laughing) - What a fucking kill. (laughing) - Give me nothing. - I mean, look, Stanley is very obviously saying, hey, look, this could be me. I like ear wax videos. - No, I like making my own ear wax video. - Yeah. - I'm thinking I'm getting Tristan Bowling. - No, you know how to Tristan Storyage? - To the other ones. - It's good out. - Have we had a Tristan Story yet? - I don't think so now, but I don't do this shit. I don't like it. - Tristan. - Okay. - Tristan is my vote. - I'm going, Jeff. - Yeah. - You got it? - I need to play the fucking. - I know you're playing the game, but she was like, yeah, it's that creep. (laughing) I don't like how excited she was that you picked me. I'm gonna go. - I'm going Chris, 'cause he literally says he does this and it's him. (laughing) - I know, yeah, I know, yeah. - Are we just gonna completely ignore the whole diet tribe that he did? Where all he has to do is, so let me tell you the lie that he said was it's not me. - Yeah. (laughing) - No, rock solid. - He got to talk about it two different times. - It two different times. - He feels really good, three times. - But it's not me, I insumin' it. - Sure, all right, I'm going Chris. - This hurts, man. - I think that I'm just gonna trust, - Oh my god, and go with big ol' chick. - Oh, man. - That's point for somebody, Alex. - Story number five belongs to Tristan Bowler. - Damn it! (audience applauding) I knew I should have profiled. - You were on to me from the jump, Mr. Gomez. - Take talk algorithm. - No, I searched this out. - So bad. - It started with like Indian guys just being like, I didn't know I had a hornet's nest in my head for three weeks. (laughing) - Well they're making sandwiches. - How about that when they pull out like full bugs? - Yeah, no, it was just be like, it's crazy how you're just like going around and something's living inside you. - My ear itches. - Yeah, I didn't pull out of fucking you. - Yeah, it literally seems like a cartoon. - Okay, there's be like, oh I slept wrong in like an anvil and bugs come out of their head. (laughing) - No, but yeah, I got it, I got pretty deep into that and then I was just like, I was thinking I'm like, I can just get the roaches out of your brain. (laughing) - I started doing a lot of acid and then I was like, there's bugs in my skin. I'm gonna peel myself up like an orange. And no, so I was looking into the tools and then my ex, it was just like, you can't do that. And I'm like, why, she's like, it's bad. And I'm like, it's not bad dude, it's great. She fucked up. - I feel like you bring the same argument to ketamine. (laughing) - That's why she's your ex. - Yeah. - No, but yeah, now that she's gone, I'm going gung-ho in my eardrums. - Hell yeah. - Woo! - Gung-co. - My life is worse. - Uh, Alex, we're our points at five stories down. (cheering) - Guys, thank you, appreciate it. - Thanks. - Yeah, thanks. - He's here, he's here. (clapping) - Out. - In fourth place, having not scored since round one, with two points, Jeff Dye. - Thank you. (clapping) - Dude, she added a thing. - And dude, I know she's a mom, but she should get hit for that. - Yeah. (laughing) - In third place with eight points. Big J. Okerson. (clapping) In second place with 10 points, Tristan Bowling. (clapping) And in first place with 13 points, Lewis J. Gomez. (clapping) I can't wait to read holes right before I watch holes. (laughing) This is gonna be a big week for you. - It is. - All right, story warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show, and we love Body Brain Coffee. Obviously, the best coffee on the planet. Functional coffee with the tropics and adaptogens that genuinely help you with everything from testosterone, support, brain function, overall mood and energy. But I wanna talk about the creamer. We just launched Body Brain Creamer, which is a completely separate stack of new tropics and adaptogens. It's got cortisol mushrooms, rodeola, collagen. It's got five grams of C8 MCT oil. It's coconut milk powder based, so it's super creamy and delicious. This is sugar-free, this is dairy-free, and it genuinely just tastes great. Forget the fact that it has amazing benefits for clean energy, mental focus, endurance, performance, skin joints. It's genuinely a great stack. Look up the benefits of all of these amazing ingredients. But it's genuinely just, it tastes incredible. So I like this more than any other creamer than I've ever tasted in my entire life. It's rich and creamy, and it doesn't have a bunch of junk. So you pair that with the coffee. 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If you don't love it, we'll give you your money back. BodyBringCoffee.com. Story Warriors, let's take a second and thank one of our awesome sponsors over here. And that is Sheath Underwear. You know what's up. I'm all about underwear, dude. I care. I care a lot. And I try a lot, a lot of brands over the years. And Sheath Underwear. First ones that I know of, now they try to get copied all the time now with their dual pouch technology. But they are the originals and they do it the best. They're on the cutting edge of ball and cock pouch technology. I had to put my dick inside of the sheath hole. Damn right, you do. I wasn't on all day like I'm fucking my clothes. Also, it's a veteran owned business. You think you're better than the military? You piece of shit. It's American here in order. He murdered Arab children to make these underwear. I'm pretty sure the guy who owns this, he doesn't like to get his name out there, is the guy who put one right and fucking Obama. 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Alex, story number six. [MUSIC PLAYING] Story number six. I've had four different things put in my butthole. [LAUGHTER] That's it? [LAUGHTER] I can't wait to hear this story. It was 1999. The circus wasn't down. Let's see. Same time. Eiger. Four different things in your butthole. Now, is it four different objects, four different people? And is it all at the same time? Yes. Jeff, last time you were on the panel hoping it's not people. Last time you were on the show, you told something about something in your butthole. No, it wasn't me. I've never had anything in my butthole. I'm-- that's another sad admission. [LAUGHTER] I've never had anything in my asshole. One time a girl just put her finger up there, when she's down there, and I almost kicked her shoulder. Come on, dude. Loosen up, bro. Which finger? It missed. The thumb is crazy. If a girl thumbs your ass, she has no respect for you. I'm not a bowling ball. It's almost fucking crazy. They get away, but like a fucking-- She was getting too close. I could tell she's flirting with it, didn't I? Like a pinky? Didn't like it. That's just me, that's what I meant. You can give a girl a pointer, but I mean-- It depends on how big this girl's fingers were. Now, that girl that it punched her tree for, she had big old hands. I wouldn't have-- I wouldn't have allowed her-- She wouldn't have fucked that tree up. God, that was like fuck. If she would have fisted, she was beginning with a cinder ball. She would debark that fucking tree. She'd bark at that tree, fucking dog. So look, Jeff, Mr. Jeff, you're saying you'd never had anything in your butt. Anything's been in my-- never-- nothing. Well, you were never saying you did. I kind of remember him saying he did. What was the topic last time you were on the show? Stuff in your bottle. [LAUGHTER] Stuff that's been your ass. Things that were definitely in my ass. Crimes. Some sort of like crimes, right? Or some sort of-- Yeah, because you did a DIY thing. I remember it all behavior, yeah. I remember something was butt. And he's a criminal. Maybe I was just imagining things in your butt. No, I'm not a butt guy. If it was big J, it would be four different inches put in his butt hole. Yeah, three times, though. Yeah. Four different inches, three different times. That's why I can do that. Fourth time a lover. Trust that you're younger from this new sexual revolution, these young people. Yeah, that's not my flavor. You don't-- but you don't-- Yeah, right. Sexuality is a spectrum. Listen, I'll let you-- Fucking it, you'll be gay. Yeah, that's fine. It didn't take guys. It just says things. All right, hold on, hold on. Butthole list of things check right now. How many things have you had in your butthole? I've had a finger. Oh. I'm plugged right now. I think I've just had a finger. I don't think a tongue goes in your ass, all right? It can't, if that's fun. Fine, I've had a tongue, fine. OK, listen to it. It depends on how much she'll pay, Mr. Ogerson. So a finger-- oh, when I was a kid, when I was a kid, I put a pencil on my butt when I was whacking off. He tried to sharpen it. Don't be weird. Yeah. It was all right. I guess everybody here grew up with pencil sharpeners. - He heard that, he heard that a number two comes out of your butt. - Nice. - Desert better. - Pencil joke. - Yeah. - That's too much. - That's too much though. - Clip it, clip it. - Yeah, I mean, look, here's the thing. I know that Jay used to have a joke about girls putting a lipstick or a chapstick into your butt. - It was a dildo, but it was a lie. - Oh, it was a joke though. - It was a joke. - That's a fun way to put it. (audience laughing) - What did you for living? I tell lies on the stakes. (audience laughing) - I go town to town being the biggest liar. (audience laughing) - He fuckin' loved it. - No, you don't have to gross it, but the dildo, but I said they kicked it all the way. - They kicked it into your asshole, yeah, yeah. - I mean, that part was a joke, but they didn't actually do a dildo. - No, they made the joke that they would have. - Oh, it was their joke. - Now the story changes. - Really? A joke wasn't, was it your joke? - I think I had three things before. - That would be the fourth. - Wow. - Wow. - Those are things. - So is it, do you believe they kicked a dildo? - Pencil. - Hold on, what are the other things in your asshole? - Pencil, pencil. - Who's a finger? - Tung. - Finger and a tongue. - Okay. - Make me a girl with your asshole. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - Girl. - Was it a mechanic? (audience laughing) - Right, right. - Interesting. - Was it a mechanical pencil or like an acoustic? (audience laughing) - It was a fountain pen. - Oh my god. - It was a sharpie. - It was a quill. (audience laughing) - John Adams fucking. - I was bent over and my ass was an inkwell. (audience laughing) - Stink well. - Stink well. - It was a big G4 roller. (audience laughing) - I kinda believe that Jeff has not had anything in his ass. - You're the one who told me he did. - I was remembering somebody else, I think. - Okay. - I did go to a doctor that put his finger in my asshole when I was 41. - Lucky. - I remember now that that happened to barely knew the guy. (audience laughing) - Nice. - And your insurance covered that? - You were really mad at him. - I didn't like it. - So I'm either getting big J. or Chris Stanley vibes right now. - Stanley, really? I wouldn't think Chris would tell this story. - Two things in the butthole, finger tongue. - Finger tongue. - Mm-hmm. - And I'm plugged right now. (audience laughing) - In one lucky fan gets the remote. Nope. (audience laughing) - I currently have a can of Celsius inside of me. (audience laughing) I'm warming it. - He got to tell me it's Jeff died, but it's like all like, it's gonna be like, you know, things that super hot chicks put in his butt, so we won't judge. - Cocaine. - Yes. - A Grammy. - I mean, move it, move it. - Oh, Grammy. - Oh yeah, move it. - All right, I'm gonna get the vote in going 'cause we're all just staring at each other. I'm gonna, big J vibes. I think he's doing a good job right now. I think he did have the fourth thing in his ass. I don't think that was a story. I think. - Oh, if I thought about it, I might probably have more things than that. - I think due to drug-related circumstances, Chris has found himself in a stinky situation. - I'm being tight cast. - Every, yeah. - Going with my gut. - Jeff? - That would be a hell of a fucking bot, I guess. - I'm gonna go with Chris. - It's gonna be Chris Stanley. I think Lewis wouldn't have three fucking stories already. - That's what I'm talking about. - He said he's admitted five. - I did something. - He's a lying piece of shit. - Haven't you met him? - That's the point of the show. - Yeah. - I'm going with big Lewis. - Oh, motherfucker. - Big old Lewis. - Big Lewis strikes again. - Alex. - Everybody's in. Story number six. - Story number six belongs to Big J Ogerson. - Ah. (audience cheering) - We already got the three, suppository. - Ah. - That was on the show before. You didn't talk about your suppository. - Nice. - Told you it wasn't me. I was all excited when they said his name. I got, ah. - I'm blowing a lead, dude. I feel like the spurs. (audience cheering) - Alex, six stories down, or a point set. - All right. In last place with two points, Jeff die. - He has his girlfriend's the first round. (audience laughing) - Yeah, Alex, that's what you sound like, dude. She's just throwing shade at you. You gotta see what she's fucking, dude. (audience laughing) - In fourth place with five points, Chris Stanley. - All right. - Yeah. - Dragging myself out of the hole. - Good play. - Out of the hole. (audience laughing) - In third place with 10 points, Tristan Bowling. (audience clapping) In second place with 12 points, Big J. Ogerson. (audience cheering) And in first place with 17 points, Louis J. Gomez. (audience cheering) - We got two more stories. You guys have it a fun time. (audience cheering) This is it. I'm gonna bring home a halls, back to the Story Wars Library. Alex, story number seven. (dramatic music) - Story number seven. I had to show up to a court date once with my own dried seed all over my court church. (audience laughing) Because I pulled out and did not finish inside my partner's hole. (audience laughing) - How many stories do you submit for real? (audience laughing) - I submit a five tonight. - I mean, you would definitely go to court with Jizz on you to show people. I'd go to court with somebody else's Jizz on me. We've. (audience laughing) - Do you walk around? Didn't you go to a show with a shirt on that had another guy's come on? - Yeah, yeah, with a famous old Legion of Skanks story where my weed dealer admitted that he fucked my girlfriend behind my back. And I went to a show with his Jizz on my back. And then we saw Legion of Skanks T-shirts with a little splotch of Jizz. - Good. - On the back there was a piece of merch. And it was called Omar's Jizz. - Omar's Jizz. (audience laughing) - What is the company you guys keep, you know? (audience laughing) - That was crazy, Stan Lee. - That was Omar. - Stan Lee just dropped an entire high noon into the tablet. - It's fine, it's waterproof. - They are waterproof. - We don't know that. - Up to 14 meters. (audience laughing) You're good. - Court date, all right, so we know Jeff's been to court. We know Big J's been to court. Stan Lee, assuming you've been to court. - I have no idea if Jeff's been to court or Tristan. I know me, you and Chris Stan Lee definitely have been to court. - No, no, I know for a fact, Jeff's been to court. - I know, talking about the DUI. - Yeah, he's been to court. And he's the only guy to get pussy directly before court. (audience laughing) - It's true. - That's really good. - I don't know if it was right before court. This could be a Chris Stan Lee, his own Jizz on him for a couple of days, kind of thing. - But on a dress shirt? - Can I also say it's very weird that like-- - Let's say dress shirt. - You pulled out and Jizz on your own shirt. Oh, I guess she was riding you. - I don't think he was just like, "Yeah, I'm gonna show up to court like a slut." (audience laughing) - Fuck this could be-- - I know what this guy's like, come. - This could be hot ass Jeff, just crushing some. Are you gonna get arrested, baby? He goes, I don't know, babe. It was, I was going pretty fast for that ticket. (audience laughing) - Yeah, did you have to suck me off one last time? - In order for a girl, in order for you to come inside of a girl that's riding you, you have to be a hot dude. You know what I'm saying? It has to be a hot chick and a hot dude. Two fucking two slabs, nobody's coming if she's riding. - No, no, no. - No way, if she rides me, if she coughs while she's riding me, she's gonna fucking shoot my dick out of her snatch. (audience laughing) - You have to be very careful with the gyration. - If she gets too overly zealous, my dick's gonna pop out and bend and it's gonna hurt. - There is a time when we'll stop thinking about how good sex feels and start worrying that how many pumps away is she from smashing my cocket half? - Yeah. - Because I don't know what she's feeling, but doesn't she tell it's almost coming out every time she's doing that? That is she not know, it's almost out. - Don't you hate when a girl goes reverse cow girl on you? You're like, what are you even doing? You're just making fun of me at this point, you bitch. - I do like it though, 'cause what I do is, but you gotta learn, you gotta go, your legs on the outside. Then reverse cow girl's great, but that's when you look at her from behind, and go like, "Ah, fucking God, dude." (audience laughing) - Who else have you done this with? - Yeah. - And then most of court, and then court. (audience laughing) - I thought it was Chris. I now think it's Jeff. - I'm locking it in. - I'm locking it in, Jeff. - Should I just say, the finish inside of my partner's hole is the thing that's throwing me off. I don't feel like that that is Jeff's terminology. - I'll never get tired of your guys' idea of my life. (audience laughing) - I assume, I'm a jimper, I fuck the tree, and then the tree sucked his ball dick, and. - I assume every step you take, it's stepping over, plus you don't wanna fuck. And then every now and again, you look down, and you go, "Oh, yeah, she's fine." - It's the height in the face. - You go, I'll do her the favor. - Yeah, you can feed off my crumbs, Mr. (laughs) - It's the way it's written. Stanley's a fucking dirty son of a bitch, and I feel like this is his story. Stanley coming on his own court shirt. (audience laughing) I hate that I'm- Corkshire Chris. That's what we call him everyone calls me that Quater room Chris courtroom come Chris big J. Wow Cuz last time he picked me and It could be so that's my strategy. Fuck maybe it's Chris shit Alex all of our answers are in seven stories down who came on their own shirt Story number seven belongs to Chris damn damn. I hate you go imagine prick He's the only one who got you though damn dude year was twenty two thousand and two I Been arrested for I can't remember that. Oh, I got kicked out of a bar in Albany for stealing drinks And then I got a I blacked out I came to with a cannon cannon beer in my hand I got arrested for like I don't know open container and then months later I got my court date and the girl I was seeing at the time had to drive me up to Troy New York and I was like hey Let's fuck beforehand cuz I got to go to court and it was in my core clothes and we fucked in her car No, it's her riding you. Yeah, so her riding me across the street from a school because it was a place that's why you could come Now it's making sense and then I go to the recess was out Talk to goose and then red Rover red Rover Then I go to I you know get my shit together, but then I look oh all my come is on my shirt I had to go to the court it was a court date of course and you know did it help her happen though it helped her hurt It don't think it mattered was the judge like you get off for me and dope Now when Chris shows up with that standing in a shirt. They're like all right, dude. You spilled fucking cinnamon You spilled cinnamon on your shirt Can you clean yourself up your piece of shit? I'm gonna put you in jail and give you three full meals a day. Get the fuck out of here. That's my fucking thing We both know I see sprinkles. That's birth big cake for Austin That's not come get out of my court Oh Shit Alex where are points at I've really pulling ahead here All right in last place with only two points Jeff die Alex Does that feel good was that like stick it to the chance I think Alex was that like stick it to the boy who didn't like you in high school Yeah Two points you dummy's dumb. I was kidding when I invited you to prom In fourth place with ten points Tristan bowling This sucks in third place with eleven points Chris Stanley In second place with twelve points big J. Okerson And in first place with twenty one points your early winner tonight Lewis Jay Gomez It's pretty cool to invite your friends on a game. They can't win. Thank you Tristan. Thank you Also, other people have won jokes on you guys. I can fucking just go by hold But it wouldn't be this holes. I'm gonna buy hardcover pussy By the DVD We have one more story you guys ready for your final story Alex story number eight Story number eight I've had sex with the opening of a Vaseline jar Vaseline jar can't say no Problematic yeah, but sometimes I pretend it does I'm like no, please don't please don't do it I try to fuck a snapple once put onto the cap. It was like, please don't I have a family. You know how it's a great fun fact Yeah, he goes wow, that's not really fucking it. That's not really any information about the world Snapple Apple, please don't think about your own mother. This was her Yeah, by the way, you're dick will not fit in a snapple bottle. I know Lot of room to move around in there. No, it's weird. You would think like a gatorade bottle You would think your dick could fit right into a gatorade bottle. It's weirdly a lot smaller than you think it is I'll tell you what you think your dick would be pretty thick if it could fit into a paper or a toilet paper roll, but it won't fit in there either You're right experiences between the four of us I guess before you have a Jay try Jay tried to fuck actual garbage before nope I just wanted to see if my dick would fit through the fucking toilet paper roller and it didn't I Always wanted to fuck a cardboard woman And my dreams are coming to fruition I'm getting I'm getting Tristan vibes on this. Yeah, I'm doing that cuz I'm like well he's young and he's trying to figure life out But we all did it something we started off. I'm a I'm a dry beat. I'm a dry Navy Navy Seals time do yeah, I don't yeah, I don't need anything. I can now often any invite if you have a rough If you have a lonely weekend, you'll rough yourself up a little bit You ever have like a Monday where you're like yikes. Yeah, yeah, I wear my scars on my fucking Jack. Oh my chest I respect you But I still feel it's a young thing. That doesn't mean you wouldn't punish a nice jar of Vaseline I wouldn't the consistency throws me off and mostly I use that's used for like fighters Vaseline is a bad tip box lubricant for sure It's all Vaseline to say here's the thing Vaseline to solve the lubricant It's there's better things it's good to pinch coconut oil Coconut oil is delightful Vaseline's a little too goopy, but once you get it going It sounds like you're still trying to find your goal the locks of masturbation Awk before you see Afterwards leaves you feeling soft, but initially it's not so much of a Poor cold porridge bone marrow just right use her in his good because it not only makes your wiener feel soft But it also helps your monitor severe plaques Vaseline Vaseline is too goopy. It's directly. It's not it's not ideal But in a pinch back in the day. I would use some Vaseline And it's readily available and it's fine. Yeah, everyone's house is Vaseline. Everyone's grandma has Vaseline. Yeah And fuck it dude, I'm not going for this again. You're telling me it's you. I believe you Wait, you pulled up the diagnostics The control center on the left you voted for the volume control Fingers keep it for a second. I wish it was I didn't log anything. Maybe it'll be so bad I think this is like you just said you did it. I've done this so many times. No, I have never fucked a Vaseline jar Okay, but you love to one. Yeah Never never fucked a Vaseline jar. That's crazy. I mean, how would you even do that? I won it doesn't matter Also, let me just be fair. This is not a whole This isn't a hole. It's a good call the opening is a hole it says No, it's an opening. You know what Jeff defending the opening being a hole makes me think that it's Jeff time I Got all Lewis's oh my god who just claimed the fuck up was a big J No, you just got defeated No, I didn't why'd you pick me because you defended the hole being an opening or the opening being a hole? He did say it says the opening is a hole the opening is a hole technically what was hard to come up with a bunch of holes stuff You know, oh shit. I asked who story was story number eight story number eight belongs to Big J Wow Wow I can't tell my wife, you gotta understand. Shh, she's right in the next room, we can't, you can keep a secret, right? Yes, I can keep a secret from you. - Oh, then you're saying anything. - Be quiet, Christine, too. (laughing) - This is my. - They told me, they told me you'd leave your wife for me. (laughing) - Maybe you guys don't want to hear it. - The curse of this Jim Henson skins a friend of yours. - This was my mom and pop-hop's house. - A coffee table book they had called The History of Sex in film with a bunch of black and white pictures of beavers. (laughing) And I opened the cat that looking for anything that would make this what I was heard is like you're supposed to use something lotion or something. But when I was younger, I do remember, Vaseline was almost like the, the general name he'd throw for like the, uh, this guy's gonna grab the Vaseline and go, so you don't realize as Lewis said, it's goopy and a terrible lubricant for Matt. - It makes your hands stick to your dick. - If you have any dick hairs, it starts making them all fricacy looking and staccrazy, your dick looks like a greaser. - It's impossible to fuckin' wash off. - If you have pubes, it turns your dick into like a dirty brillo pen. - Your dick's in the outside. - Oh, I don't think your fuckin' giz doesn't stick to it so it runs, so it's a whole thing. It's not good. - It's like oil and water, giz and Vaseline. - But I didn't want to, and I didn't know what to do exactly. I didn't realize the idea was to grab a fuckin' squeege of it and fuckin' start poin' pud. I was like, oh, it's like a full thing, so I just like fucked the whole into the thing. - Wait, so you like fucked it, and then all queued it? - Yeah, but there's nowhere to come. - I poked you to it, and then, well, I was too young to come, so I-- - Your eyes will pop out of your head. - I was too young to come, so I think at some point, I just did it until I was like, oh, it's happening, and then I just peed in the toilet a little bit, and I was like, (audience laughs) - Y'all done with no come. Vaseline won by decision. - Yep. (audience laughs) (audience applauds) - Out! - Jake leaned up there, Alex, final story in. - All right. - We're all points out. - In last place, with two points. - Jesus Christ. - Jeff dies. - Jesus Christ. (audience laughs) - Fifth place. Fifth place. - It's last. - Fifth place. - Fifth place. - Fifth place. - Fifth place. - Dude, fifth place is only the fourth loser. - That's right. - Jeff died in five. (audience laughs) It's fucking pandery. (audience applauds) - Fuck these birds. (audience laughs) - In fourth place, with 10 points. Tristan Bolling. (audience applauds) - Second to last. - We're in a good company down here. - In third place, with 11 points. Chris Stanley. - Yeah, yeah. (audience applauds) - This is embarrassing for three of us. - In second place, with 20 points. Big J. Ogerson. (audience applauds) - And your winner tonight with 21 points. Lewis J. Gomez. - Lewis J. Gomez takes the game. Everybody polls. - There is no news story warrior crown tonight, but have a big round of applause for Lewis playing the game well and winning again. (audience applauds) - Wow, beautiful, beautiful job, guys. - Lewis, you take home holes, and I know how excited you are to fucking read this thing right before you masturbate to shy of a boof. (audience laughs) I've been a big round of applause one more time for our amazing panel, the great Tristan Bolling. (audience applauds) The great Jeff Dye. (audience applauds) Well, area's Chris Stanley. Thank you guys for hanging out with us on story wars. I'm Big J. Ogerson. - I'm Lewis J. Gomez. - Until next time, peace. (audience cheers) (upbeat music)