Jeff Dunham | Club Random with Bill Maher

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The last time I saw your person was at a comedy festival in Montreal or something. How long ago? I think before politically incorrect. Before? I think it was. Yeah. What year did you do Carson first? The first one was 90. 90. Yeah. Mine was 82. Oh, Jesus, is that right? That's great. We're probably almost the same Carson age. How old were you when you did it? I don't know. I was 26. I was 28. Yeah. I just did walking with Kevin Neill in, by the way, so we chatted about you a little bit. We talked to our comedians about each other. They're not futors. I'm not petty, also. By the way, has it been revealed who's going to present you with the award? I know. His little going to do it. All that's great. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. You know about the Mark Twain Award. It's turned into, I mean, I'm very honored. I mean, if it wasn't a big one, I wouldn't have done it. I don't need awards, because they never wanted to give me awards. So I was, if it was just anything less, I would have been like, well, please, because it's a lot of work to, you know, you've got eight speakers in the Kennedy Center and, you know, it's a show. It's a Netflix special. Yeah, I'm not going to put on a dull show. So like, I'm doing my jobs, not that this is a job, because, you know, I love this. I mean, what a break break in the week when I get to talk to somebody who I never really knew often, like you, but always knew of, I was around. You know, if that to me is so fascinating, like, let's catch up on the last 40 years, you know, there was that night in Montreal. And then, you know, you kind of ghosted me for two scores. Well, I've always been kind of an outsider anyway. I never had, I mean, come on over here is amazing. I never make it over the door. Paths just wouldn't cross. First of all, we're both on the road all the time. And the last place, either one of which would be is in the same city, because we're probably playing the same theater. Right. Although you probably play much bigger, you play stadiums. I mean arenas arenas, arenas. Yeah. But like, what happened at 20,000? Yeah, we average between eight and 10 now, something like that. And it's between five, eight and 10, yeah. That's one another thing I love about doing this. I like to talk to successful people. And I know you have big numbers on, like, of all time, like, people come to see you. That is, you were playing on a level above where I ever played. I never played 8,000, 10,000. The highest I got was like five, 6,000. Yeah, it's, it's a whole, it's a whole different thing. I don't know. Everybody has their new mission, you know. Yeah. And it is, it is amazing. Oh, I'm not saying you're better than me. There's no accounting for days. No, I mean, you're a great comic and people recognize that. But yes, no, do I think numbers and dice clays to do 25,000? Do I think he's a better comic than me? I don't and I love him and he's funny. Yeah. And he's a good actor too, by the way. Yeah. But, you know, I don't have to. No, numbers sometime numbers. They don't mean everything, but I always respect them. I always respect them. Like, well, it's the same thing with McDonald's or Ruth Chris. You know what I mean? It's, McDonald's does billions. Ruth Chris does a few hundred stakes. And it's a completely different thing. So. Ruth Chris Steakhouse. Is that where you're trying to? Yeah. I'm talking about that steakhouse versus McDonald's burgers. I know that. I know that name. It always bothered me. I don't know why. It's a terrible sounding name. And it was like, you know, look, I'm not like I haven't eaten a steak. I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm not a fan of steak. And like, it just seemed like a place there would be a bunch of meathead. I could be wrong, you know. I was trying to find the fanciest steak place I can think of. No, that's right. It is. I just have a, you just triggered me. I'm just a thing with Ruth Chris Steakhouse. I've always sort on the road in Vegas. And like, I just, I don't know, I'm not doing a insult. I just start a feud. Well, you know what, comics in there? Friends with Ruth Chris Steakhouse, these bastards, where I never was. I've never rooted me bad. But oh, like burning to get even with them. No, they could be the greatest. I'm sure they're very good because I know they're successful. Right. Never mind. Fucking bug me. Okay. Well, what is what here? What is that? That's mine. What is your own? No, what is it? That's just a sparkling water, I think. And what? And this is the tequila. That's tequila. I have some. I have a tiny bit. Oh, that's great. Are you a redneck? Where are you from? We're in Texas. Yeah. Texas. Yeah. I knew it. I don't know what that means. You don't really look like you from Texas. Well, I never really had an accent. My parents didn't have much of an accent. So I never really, you know, but yeah, I grew up there and yeah. Whatever. Can I ask you a question before we interview me? So before we're halfway through. I don't know what the word reasonable actually means. But I've just been fascinated watching you in the last couple, three years. And it just seems like it shifted a little bit. Well, it's more than three or four years is longer than that. But there definitely was a shift. I mean, this is the debate I'm always having with my critics who would like to say I've changed. And I said the million ways of saying it to them. But basically, I didn't change. I didn't forget what it is. I didn't become a conservative. You forgot what it was to be a liberal. And we don't have to go through all the ways that the left of far left has gone off the deep end. But it is what got Trump elected and so forth. So did I change? I didn't. And I wrote a whole book or like took stuff from my show mostly. But we've did together into a book that basically tried to prove that point. Look at my history. I'm pretty much always the same. Right. But I will put the reasonable in there because I feel like you listen a little more now. Well, that could be true. I mean, look, we all who are on TV a lot. I mean, how many specials have you done for 14? 13 or 13 hours. No, it's more than that. So when I take a special, I do it easily do almost two hours. That's a lot. Wow. But then we ended it down to an hour. So that's a lot of material. Yeah, you take up a shit. I was sure. You know, of course, but you know, you take it down to the fine points and people don't understand when you it's so much different doing stand up in person. And then you try and put it on television, the timing changes. But that's a lot of material. Yeah, it is. I mean, I've done 13 HBO specials. Right. But, you know, over from from 1989. I mean, it's crazy. Yeah. And let me ask you this. Does somebody come to you and tell you a joke and you go, I've heard that somewhere before. And then you realize it was a big party or act years ago. Also, I go through I mean, I'm sort of a meticulous chronicler of I'm just an anal person, you know, as far as like taking notes and stuff. So I'm the opposite of Belzer who never wrote down one word. Is that right? Well, you know, and the show sometimes, you know, not me. So like, I will go through like a set list from 1982. And I'll just see like the little bullet point I had for it. And I'm like, what does, you know, went painting mean? Right. You know, that was some bit I had. I know. And then I've done that same thing and I'll go and I'll try and regurgitate it in my mind and go, it killed. I could at least right. Right. And I'd like to do it again. Just one time. And you can't remember it. Yep. And you know, those notes made absolute perfect sense when you made them. I look through them and I'd realize, I mean, they're the luminous. These the files I have of how much I put pen to paper and wrote some of it is just raw stuff writing. I was never the kind of comma who purposely wrote that was the sign Feldean. What you get up in the morning, you know, the yellow pad is they learned it from Dr. Cosby. What ever happened to him. Right. Right. I heard you. Yeah. But that was his thing. You just purposely. I said, I can't and I know I could never do that. My method was to get high. You know, with my friends. And the funnier she would just come out and just try to capture what comes out. naturally. And would you, like, if you were going to, when you were getting raised who are a special, did you go to a club and we're going to work on it, we're going to work on it. I mean, we never added any of them because I have so practiced it that when we shoot it, I know it's the right, basically, an hour, so nice, an hour or two or something, but, or 58 minutes, you can't tell. I mean, it changes with crowds. I'm, you know, frotic, they can be more tired, they don't laugh as much. That can be five minute difference in a show between Saturday when they're rested. And they have the energy to actually laugh more. That's our business. So, you know, but I have, I mean, the last one I did, we taped it beginning in December 24 in Chicago. And, you know, I stopped after doing it. I stopped the road, which is like where you still are. And I still was, you know, if you're like a few, a decade younger than me or something. That's probably, I totally know exactly where you are. You're not 74. No, I'm 70. Okay. You're 64. All right. So we are only six years. Closer. You got out here soon. You aged well. Some people at our range, they are unrecognizable. Well, especially, I don't mean to be mean, but do you look at the, at the women that were in your high school class and go, what happened? No, where would I see them? Oh, Facebook. Right. See, the whole world is funny that you say that. And most of the world knows what that means because they're on Facebook and I don't. You don't do any of that stuff. No. Why the fuck would I want to see my old high school people? I mean, it's only got to be depressing. Well, I got to tell you, I don't do either. I don't, I don't, I kept up with technology for many, many years. And in fact, in the early 90s, you know, when I was doing my own tapes, I learned to edit digitally when that was all brand new. I taught myself all that, but that was the end of my technological, you know, I know how to work the phone, but when it comes to social media, I don't. Do you keep up with like everybody you ever met in your life? No, no, no, no. But isn't that, but you're on Facebook? Yeah. And I, I'm, I am, I am, I am, but I don't do it. I have other people that do it. Everyone's well, I'm sure. But that's me too. I'm sure. Right. I don't know. I have people who know people who know the answer to that. That's how removed I am. Right. I'll have those people to ask the people who actually do shit. Right. No, I'm sure we do. I'm supposed to picture now and then because I know how to do that. But and I'll say things and then they'll put it up there for me, but I don't know how to, and Facebook is now, you know, it's all yesterday. Now it's all Instagram and TikTok and all that stuff. I think it's awesome to just embrace the generation you're in, not on everything of course. But look, there's a movement among the younger generation now to go back to the way we had it. They get it that the phone fucked up their heads. Right. They know they're fucked up. That's one thing about them. They're ignorant, but they're not unsavvy about like real life, IRL. Right. And they know how fucking crazy it is. They have, they know this. Right. They can't seem to stop themselves. See, you don't, you don't have a device that you look on Instagram. iPhone. Yeah, but are you do like it? No, no, no. I'm bored. I'm going to look at this. I'm going to ask the track question. What do you do when you're not doing this? You're not playing golf. I'm doing this, but we're not filming it. I'm getting high and drinking. No, I wish I could do this every year. Seriously, I'm now I'm really curious when you have free time. What are you going to do? Well, I mean up until a year ago, a year and a half ago, I guess now, really having a standup act and being on the road, not quite as much as you are, I'm sure, but all year long, regularly, like every other weekend. Right. I would do it very, I had to be here to do the show. And also, I don't want to be away that much. It was perfect. I would fly into one city, I get upset at a fly to one city, do the show, stay overnight, fly to the second city, and then after that city fly home. That night, of course, you have to do it that way. Yeah, the other way you can't do it. You can't do it that way. And you couldn't even get to these gigs in time. I have to be here a week. And it's theaters, right? The theaters. And, you know, so like two cities over 30 hours, a home in my bed Sunday night, after I leave Saturday morning, that's not the worst, right? It was great. But even that, you know, it just became the travel, the hotels. It's wear and tear. It's not great for your health. But, you know, you have to meet, if you want to have an act, people say, well, just do it sometime. No, you have to keep sharp, you know. Your pitch and arm is crazy. And you know, during the pandemic, I had never, this is sounds crazy, but I started the ventriloversome thing when I was in the third grade. And I realized it since the fourth grade. Those are puppets. What? Yeah. Oh, those are puppets. Yeah. I'm sorry. And what's your name in your bathtub? It's great. I felt right at home. Whitney in the bathtub. Everybody said, be careful. You must be scared. And I walked in. I went, there's like my house. Still being me. I got this. So I made her talk, by the way. She's very happy with it in the bathtub. I made her talk. Oh, then that would be funny. If she went, if she didn't weigh a ton, I'd drag her out here and put her on my lap. Oh, yeah. I can make her talk. What was I talking about? I can't remember what Whitney used to it in the bath. Oh, no. I don't know. What were you talking about? I'm the one who's smoking pot. You don't smoke pot? No. We don't say it like you, you're ashamed. Some people like it. Some people don't. I'm never ever in my life tried it. I'm one of those. I mean, yeah. I mean, look, I don't, if I don't want people to judge me for doing it, I, everything is like people's personality. I always say this about politics. Everything is political these days, which is kind of good for me. That's what I've always been talking about. So I'm not complaining. But, but politics really comes out of people's personalities. It's comes from like, what your parents told you. Yup. How they brought you up, where you were brought up. You know, I mean, conservative. It's just it's for it. It's a person. I feel like it's a personality right before it becomes a political party. I also think I create it to sports. It's like you, most people love whatever sports it was that their dad loved. Totally for guys. Oh, my God. Of course. Okay. So, and I think the political parties are the same way. And I, and I look at it and I think I'm in show business, bloody blah, blah, blah, blah. I would think that I would tend to lean left and I tend to lean right. And I, that's just the beliefs that my father and my parents in, in where I grew up. I remember I was going to say, doesn't mean you're in the clan. Right. You know, this is my problem with the left. It's like anything that's not super with us on the far, far end of it. And then you're a conservative. Do you get, do you get this like you're a conservative? I would did a ranch here one night about landmen never getting any love from the media or the awards. It's awesome show. But it's like seen as conservative. Why? Because it's not, you know, taking place in a yurt, you know, there's not a transsexual sharp, sharp in the show. So it's a, I've been to a yurt, but I've never used the word yurt in a conversation. So I think it'd be a great name for a show. Yurt. Have you been to an actual yurt? His name is yurt, and he also lives in a yurt. That's my idea for the show. Have you ever been to a yurt? No, it's like in Mongolia. Oh, no, they haven't. There's like one, I have my wife up in, I don't remember where it was. It was in Utah or something, the dead of winter, you get there, they drive, they take in a, you're drawn by a horse like Santa Claus in a sleigh. And you show up there and it's just big yurt in your, it's, and they have an outhouse and it's fantastic. So what's the difference for the layman, not like I don't know, between a yurt and a TP, would you say? I have no freaking clue. Well, a yurt is, now what are you doing? What's that? Oh, I'm roofing you, Jeff. I've always wanted to fuck you from that first night in Montreal. It was so romantic. People were speaking French. You were younger. You look, oh, wait a second. I want to know what you're doing. What is it? That's, that's what gene, gene, which gives me superhuman strength. Does it, does it? All right. I know. It's why I can lift this glass. No, a yurt, yeah, it's like a TP, but, um, bigger. Well, that's what I'm asking. I don't know. If I'm in the market for a yurt slash TP, if I go to Amazon, it's a, you know, I don't know. I have no idea. All I know is that there was a chef there. It was a four star yurt. Really? Yeah, it was amazing. Why do you say four stars? It was, it was, it was incredible. The food was there. They had a chef there, a famous chef in your middle of nowhere. There's snow everywhere. It's 10 degrees outside and you're sitting in a, in a code and, but it was fantastic. Americans can be hypocritical about anything. They really can't just like, yeah, I dare you. Yurt's, oh, yeah, I can fuck that up. I can look like an asshole in a yurt. Absolutely. Peace rallies. Oh, please. I'll, I'll be marching for Hamas. How about that for fucking up? They can fuck up anything. It's hysterical. Okay. So we're talking about the left and the right. So I, I have always said that I truly believe that most of this world is good people. And my, my example when I was doing one of my specials in 2013, I was in Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi? No, that's not Jogi Bear. That's Jogi Bear. So doing a show there for 4,000 Muslims and all in the front rows were the guys in the white dish dash and the women in the black and the few rows back. And I did the same show with Ahmed the dead terrorist and that was their favorite character. Two nights later, I'm in the middle - That's mine. - Huh? -That's my favorite, too. -Oh, well, thanks. Well, two nights later, I'm in the middle of Tel Aviv Israel doing the exact same show for 4,000 Jewish people. Didn't change the word of the show, and they all love to equally the same. So my big thing is, I truly feel this world is filled with good people that all want the same things. We want a house, we want a job, we want security, we want health care for our kids and ourselves and all that. And it takes the handful of idiots to fuck it up for everybody else. You know what you should do? And I know I'm going to be a reputation with this stuff, I'm always telling people career advice, but I think I really would have been a good manager. -Okay. -But you should do that as a documentary special. The same show in both those cities. -Oh. -And put stuff in the middle. It'll interviews here and there. You can handle that with people from the region and stuff. But show the same material. From that character working in both those cities, I think that would be very powerful. A lot of people would watch it, I would definitely watch that. -Yeah, that'd be one of our biggest YouTube videos that is showing me there in front of them. But yeah. I got a great location scout crew there right now in the straight-up hormones. That's the one we may not be able to get through, but that's why you get a fixer. You get somebody over there who speaks the language, and you know, a little rattling of the cups, as they say, would bribe here a little-- -Right. -Go-- you know, it goes a long way. -That's actually a great idea. -It actually is a great idea. -It would be interesting. -Yeah. You're right, people would watch it. Because people watch that thinking I'm going to be killed. And it was great. But I will tell you what the show started. My manager comes to me and he goes, "We got it." Because I was a little bit nervous about being there. I'm like, "Well, what am I doing here? We've been doing Norway and Sweden and the UK and all that." I knew it was all great. And even Paris France was great. They lived in Paris France. But then they said Abu Dhabi and I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" -Well, I mean-- -But they loved it. -Okay. -I'm going to now put it in perspective. -I remember. -It is great. And you should get a metal bonnet for the balls to do it. Balls means a lot to me, and you have them. I don't mean that in a personal way. -All right, thanks. But there was Montreal. -But anyway. That's right. Now, we've created this whole thing, where we have a backstory, where we fucked in Montreal. It's ridiculous. But, uh, oh, shit. What was I going to say? You were talking about the special about doing the special. Yes, but it was something so important to me. You were, uh, doing this special. We should do it as a special. Oh, I'm going to put it in perspective, which is, it's great that you can do those jokes with that character. -Right. -But, you don't really have freedom until you could do those jokes. And the character was a Mohammed puppet. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But just, just know where the parameters are. -Oh, sure. -That's where we are. -Yeah, what's your name? -We are not in, we are not in free speech country. -No, no. -It is not, I mean, I know America to the kids is the worst country that ever was, because they know nothing about us or any other country. But it doesn't matter. Shagua Vera looks great on a t-shirt. That's what they know. Why you try to fill my head with facts? -Okay. -But the truth is that we do have, that is, there are levels of freedom. And, you know, that there's just, you know, and people have different opinions about that, and we don't have to go through them here. But, you know. -So, when you're current act, is this what you're talking about? -There is no current act, because I did stop drawing. -That was it? -Really? -Yeah, yeah, I didn't do anything in 2025. No, I feel like, like I said, you either, like, fully have an act going all the time. -Right. -I mean, I was always working on it. It was always a third job. A job I liked, more like I always said more like a hobby. I always said it was more like building a ship inside a bottle that people do, because it was always this tinkering with my act. I loved the process of doing my act. And, oh, okay, that worked great. It would work better if I moved it here. You know, I used to bring on stage a kind of a poor man's teleprompter, bullet point, so. And I could edit that in my computer, and just every time I did it, it got better and better and sharper and cleaner and fun. -Bad, I loved that process. -Yeah, and people don't understand that every word and every pause, every breath. -Yes, absolutely. -Yes, absolutely. But what I was going to tell you was, I forgot, is during the pandemic, since the fourth grade, I had never gone more than two weeks without doing a show. I always was always working, always, always, always. -The only job I ever had. -I got withdrawal, too. Yeah, but so I thought, I'm going to do a special during the pandemic. So I sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. And wrote this entire act, never having tried one joke in front of anybody. But you talk about the pitching arm and having to do it. I felt like I know what I'm doing here. I think I know where I'm going to get laughs. And sure enough, after five months of not being on stage, we shot it and then somewhere out there outside. Everybody, but four tops, he had to be with their own family. Everybody's wearing masks. We had, like, I don't know, a couple hundred people. -You didn't need a rehearsal. You didn't need to run through. I never understood these, most of my friends, the comics, that, you know, they go to the comedy clubs and work out the shit before they, like, I never did that. Once I was out at the comedy clubs, and I didn't need to. I would have been already doing this for 20 fucking years, whatever. I know what's going to work and what's not going to work. -Right. -You know, maybe not as well, or maybe better, or maybe it would go there, or go better. But I mean, rarely, without ever having to try it out, did I do a joke, you know, in Des Moines or Cincinnati, that I'd never done before, and it just got nothing. -Right. -No, I couldn't have done that after two years in the business, or five, or maybe even 10. But after 20, I didn't know how you can't. -Right. -And your act, I never saw the live act in a theater. Well, it was the subject matter that we'd all expect it to be. Was it political stuff? Was it-- -Then I guess you've never seen the stuff I'll take either. But I would say it was a mixture. I would say my view is that everything is sort of political. So there was nothing that was trivial. I put it that way. But I talked about my sex life. I talked about-- I mean, I loved the life. -No, I've seen the bits. I've seen the bits, and they're great. But I mean, it's like trivial stuff. -So, yeah, you and Cel-- -But I'm not trivial. Even if I talked about my sex life, it always was like with the idea of some sort of issue in the day that was going on, like in cells. You know, I mean, that wasn't a thing when I was a kid. In cells, you know, in voluntary celibate that these guys who like have made a virtue out of being unable to get laid. I was an in cell also. I just didn't-- we didn't have a name for it, and we didn't want to fucking brag about it. And put it on the internet. I tried to keep it a secret. You know, I can't get laid. But these guys think it's like a thing to like-- we're in cells, and, you know, we demand pussy. I mean, that's really-- this is what they're-- So, like, am I talking about my personal life? Yes, I'm also talking about something that's really going on in this country. I mean, men being lost is a big problem in this country. -I don't understand it. And I hear about, like, kids these days, the 16-year-old and boys that don't-- they're scared to drive and they don't want to get the driver's license. What-- what happened? What are you talking about? And they're not dating as much. -You know what I read today? -What? -This is going to blow your boomer mind. -Okay. [ Laughter ] Just-- I'm sorry. That's going to-- that's going to be the clip by you. Is this going to blow your boomer mind? I'm keeping that. -Okay. -Stady yourself, because it's-- It's good-- you're going to want to punch something. -Okay. -I read that the reason why Gen Z doesn't like capital letters, they're too intense. [ Laughter ] -No, I-- that's-- I believe it. I mean, why don't they? You know, they're just-- they're different. The brains have evolved, I feel like, because a lot of-- because of the phone. -Right. -Gen Z is the first post-phone generation. -Right. -That's why they matter. That's why we talk about them so much. That's why they're so different. -Right. -Is that they are-- The beginning of what Ray Kurzweil years ago called the Singularity, which is, he said in 2028, is when man and machine would kind of sort of meld inexorably. And that's what they're talking about now with AI. -Right. And it is amazing. -Is that-- isn't that your tour called AI? -Right, yeah, our tour shows. -Oh, that's right. -Look at me. I think it was a real host. You know, Jeff, I don't know about you, but if I was in-- -Wait, before we get into that, I'm serious. -Oh, my God. -So, so, so, uh, I have always blamed all these problems on Steve Jobs. -What do you want, Jinsing? Look at this. Every day, you fucking Toledo. -Wait, I want to lose this thought. -Ped State College, Detroit. -I mean, two-night college? -Two-night, the Fox Theater. See, I played the Fox Theater in Detroit. -Awesome. Two-nights. But, of course, you, Mr. Big Shot, two-nights. Las Vegas, planted Hollywood on April 26th. Oh, look at the Devon Port. Oh, my pleasant Thackerville. I remember Thackerville. -Thackerville's great. Only comedians know the name Thackerville. -The Thackerville. -I believe comedians and geologists, you know. -Tornado. -Jinsing. -I'm big in Tornado, Ali. -Danville, Cherokee, Choctaw, Hollywood, Florida. Oh, yeah, Los Angeles. I heard of it. -What? -I'm a county fair, usually. -I'm going to a county fair. You play county fairs. -Oh, sure. But they're big. They're huge. You're out on a. race track. And it's outside, right? Of course. I don't see me, I don't see me ever having done well at a county fair. Not I didn't do it. I wasn't asked. It's all like, oh, it's not me. I don't remember anybody ever saying get Bill Marr for the county fair. So who's your audience now? Like if you were doing I had the county fair eating corn dogs. I have the best audience in the world are you kidding? They're so loyal and they're so brilliant because they think like me. I mean, they're the people. I've lost it. I mean, you know, you have balls to go to Saudi Arabia. I have balls too and then I'm not afraid to lose audience. And I have. Right. Like the super woke. Right. They left a while ago. Well, and when I wouldn't go along with their nonsense. Right. Who's left? Great people. And they're going to get upset about truth. They don't the studio audience. I used to fight with them all the time. Now they don't boo. They get it. It's well, see, that's what I've always loved about you is that, you know, so many times I'll be watching and you'll piss me off. And then a week later, I'll watch and I'll go, oh, okay. And that's why I don't like the word reasonable. What pisses you of? I don't know. I mean, like when I make fun of Jesus. I like religion. I mean, you're religious, right? I've been brought up in the Christian home. And my big thing is it's same with DeGrasse, which is last name, DeGrasse Paul Neal DeGrasse Tyson. Yeah, that guy. So, and I've talked about this in the last few days to a few people because I feel like you guys have both of you have backed off a little bit. And I think there's enough is a scientist. Okay. We're working in a different. I get it. But the Charlie Kirk interview with you. Yeah. Was really interesting. Me with him here. Yes. I loved it. Because, by the way, they're doing a documentary. I may ask if I would be in it, they said, the other people they said are in it already, all, you know, hard right wingers. I said, yes, I'm giving them five minutes after my taping Friday night because, and I told them, don't expect me to be just saying, you know, hegeography about Charlie. I like them as a person. I'm glad I talked to him. I do not think he was a monster. And if you look, if you look at, sorry, yeah, the heart attack. Yeah, sorry. You got to get a good thing on there. Okay. Okay. If you look at his statements, I've read the full statements. Of course, because everybody is only interested in getting points for their team. They mischaracterize them. But even when I read the full statement, which were accurately characterized, I still disagreed with them. Right. But it wasn't what they presented. Again, it's always in the middle. It wasn't as bad as they said. Right. But I still disagree. Sure. But that's what I loved about the interview is that, is that you sat there and considered things and listened to him, let him talk. And it was a really great discussion. My little motto here is, everybody's a monster till you talk to them. Right. Marjorie Taylor Greene came on real time. Suddenly, everybody loves Marjorie Taylor Greene. Right. Lauren Bulbert, you know, these people who come on real time. And it's like, Anna Polina Luna, love her. Right. You know, we had a great time. Right. Talk to her after the show. I say, you know, if it only, if I'd only known about you what I read, I would have thought, you know, crazy. Right. Can I crazy? Are we going to agree on everything? No. But not crazy. And certainly, you know, talkable too. That is my single biggest issue with the left. They won't talk to people, including me. Right. Talk like really, I'm so, so out there. I mean, we voted for the same person. Right. How far out there could I be? Right. But they just, and the Republicans, they definitely are better. It's like, well, we'll talk. Right. Well, that's what I do. I haven't sitting down like, okay, bring up another Mark Marin. He and I couldn't be further apart, comedically, politically, but you're not gay. Okay. Go on. I'm kidding. But we sat down like this and had a really respectful conversation. And both of us surprised each other. And we walked away with a, with mutual respect. But we, we respected our differences. And we'll have some of that too. Right. You know, I feel like ours is, I feel like, I mean, look, I like Mark, although he's taken terrible unfair stupid shots at me. But that's okay. But I feel like his sympathica with he was probably more in an emotional level. Whereas I think you and I, or that's what you were trying to bridge, whereas you and I are kind of like the same kind of boomer guy. Right. You know, no nonsense. Right. None of that. You know, there's, there's no microaggressions in our life. Right. You know, it's shit like that. Not that microaggressions aren't a real thing if you're black. That's true. Oh, it is true. Yeah. I mean, you know, a microaggressionist, somebody just looks at you shitty. Right. And yeah, when I know just as a human, when someone looks at me shitty, I feel shitty about it. And I don't like them. Right. Yeah. So, you know, there is that. But, well, what I was going to say is I back to the Steve Jobs thing. I, the cell phone, yeah, I said, I said, I said a second ago that I think most of this is Steve Jobs fault. I'd say that jokingly because of the phone. Yeah. In nature, everyone was, everyone was not meant to have that out of a voice or that of the fact of a voice. I think we were meant to have everybody should have a voice, but to be able to say something in the entire world here and see it instantly, I don't think is healthy. In nature, we were meant to do it. We're doing looking another human being in the eye in person. There are things that we are reading about each other. I mean, this is what happened in Montreal. I know it was very exciting. Yeah. No, there are things that you don't even realize consciously that you're reading about another human when you're talking to them in person. You know, it's just their face. It just matters. It just, it's just hugely different. Right. And they don't seem to want to, they, I mean, anyone who's like, okay, with living life on a screen, they don't seem to care to acknowledge that very key distinction that we have not evolved past that. And maybe we shouldn't. It's not making us better. I think it's fascinating that Trump, you know, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, and then you have these leaders going to room and three hours later, they come out and they've made a deal. It's like the art of the deal behind a door and he knows how to talk to people. And there's something there. You meet the guy in person. That's why I had that dinner with them that they all hated. Sure. But I bet you walked out of there and I've heard what you've said. I've seen what you've said. And I bet you walked out of there going, you've said it a million times that this is not the guy that you thought it was going to be. Is that right? I said, a crazy person doesn't live in the White House. A person who plays a crazy person on TV lives in the White House. And why he chooses to do that or whether that is the real, I just put it in the lap of the audience. You decide, I'm just the reporter. I'd went into the mind. This is what I saw down there. And you make up it at what you will. But of course, we don't live in that world. Is he a master manipulator or is his skin just that thin? Oh, it's totally that thin. I mean, he's really that thin. But not in all context. That's was so interesting. Was I challenged him on any number of things from the trivial, like why you don't have a dog to the Iran deal. And he never once, never once, bristled, like cut me off, delivered a monologue, stopped looking me in the eye. You know, I wrote, by the way, I wrote a great joke about the AI, because I want to ask about why you called it that. But it happens to me, my editorial at the end of the show this week is about AI. And I've never really been as aroused about it something, because I do think it's going to kill all of us. And you know, I had done one earlier, and now everybody's writing about it. How AI is just such an asker. I mean, everything, you know, hey, you know, can I? Great question bill. You know, everything you just always get, and it's, I'm saying it's seducing us. Right. It's going to fucking kill us, and it's seducing us, including all the people who say, Donald Trump, he can't do anything without a bunch of askers. Right. Just like you. Right. Great question, Ashley. So, so I'm curious, is your AI a man or a woman? I don't have it. Oh, you don't talk to him? I don't want it in my phone. I don't want it knowing everything about me. You already lost the battle. You just sold your humanity for a bunch of fucking bar tricks that it does. If it had cured cancer by now, maybe I'll make that trade off, but it has it. It can make SpongeBob look like it's getting blown by Stephen Hawking. Great. But you got to say that it is unbelievably useful in many cases. You know what? Crazy. I'm sure it is. I seem to be getting along just fine. It was sure. Like it wasn't like I didn't have Siri at Google. But now I need something even better than them. You know, we get so hooked on convenience that we are willing to sell such bigger things for these slidest little improvements in convenience. So I'm told you stuff a great bit about the, you know, the thing on board games that, you know, you hit the thing and the dice go up in a bubble. Right. I mean, with the - Minic throwing dice and go, gotta be an easier one. (laughing) - That's really funny, that includes. - Yeah, that's really funny. - No, I get it. I just enjoy the toy aspect of it all, that's all. I just, I love to take a car guy, right? - Yeah, a car guy. - What do I say with comics? I mean, Letterman's a car guy, and Leno's a car guy. - Who, Seinfeld? - Seinfeld, of course. - Yeah, I don't know what it is, but you know what it is. You just named it. - There's a lot of car guys in one industry. - Well, I think you just named a bunch of guys that don't have any real vices. - So interesting. So interesting, you're right. - And so maybe this is the thing. - Right. - It's expensive, it takes time, it takes money, but. - That's why I hate cars. (laughing) - I can't smoke. - I don't hate them, but they do nothing for me. - You can't smoke a car. - I get in a car like every three or four years, and every time I get it, I'm like, okay, this is gonna be different this time. I'm gonna actually learn all the things about this car. 'Cause you know, you have to go through the guidebook and learn everything is, and I'm like, and it never happens. - So what is your, and then two years pass, and I go, oh fuck, and I'm almost to the next car. - So what do you drive? - I drive an electric and boy, was that a good decision. Mercedes, I used to have the Tesla. - Yeah. - I did not switch because of Elon's politics. I could separate them. I switched because Mercedes made a much better version of the Tesla, and charged twice as much. - So you're being serious, there's a good decision. You like it, you love it? - I don't love cars. No, I fucking hate it, actually. I fucking hate it that the robots are too much in control. They, something else I'm putting in the thing Friday night about. I do not like the idea that the robots are in control and these people who say, the future's gonna be great to robots will be our slaves doing everything. Bullshit, I already feel like I'm in competition with them. I'm not their slave master. My car tells me when we can go. - Right. - I was stopped once, I stopped. I didn't want to be stopped. I was in the middle of like very heavy traffic. And apparently my passenger side door was a jar. - Right. - It wouldn't let you go. And though, you know that feeling when everyone behind you is honking, and you're like, and it's not like a big thing lit up. It's like close the door. - Right. - I guess there was somewhere like a little, whatever it was, it was typical Millennial Bullshit. Like hide it from the boomers. What's really going on on this right? - Oh, but when we at college, it would say, you're right door is open. Remember that? - When I first car, I would just pull over because there was no sign at all. I would just, if my door swung open, I'd pull over. That's what I mean. - It tells you. - Right. - I don't like that. - I got it. - I understand. - More human. - I get it. I do wonder though, when Elon comes out with the robots that work in the factories, I have a warehouse with merchandise. And I wonder if I'm going to buy that thing and let it be stacking boxes. - Of course you will. - You're a greedy fuck. - Well, no, no. It's just fun. - What are you worth? Like hundreds of millions. - I bet you would. - I've seen, like I think I read one said, only Seinfeld and Chris Rock made more money on the road. - This is good to kill. I don't know what it is. - Is that what it is? I thought it was the ketamine. I feel fantastic. - I still want to know what Jing is. - Oh, I'm sorry. It's just a way to make a sparkling water into diet soda without any of the chemicals that are in diet soda. - Oh, all right. - I feel like I keep my wife made you cookies for this thing. - Your wife made me cookies. - Yes, she did. And she's the-- - She know about Montreal. (laughing) - She does now. - Okay. - That was before we met. - So what was that gig in Montreal? - I'm curious. - It was a common festival. - I've only been to like two. - And you say the '80s? - No, let's see. Hold on a second. - Was it pre-year today? - It could have been, yeah. It could have been late '80s, early '90s. I don't know. But you were doing the thing and I was-- - But how many people were on the bill? Was it a big extravaganza? - Man, that's tough. No, I swear. I go back to theaters now. Like I shot my first special in-- What are you laughing at? - Man, that's tough. - I don't remember because-- - Right now, but it's just a great way to express what our age is 'cause I get this asked all the time, you know, when I'm talking to younger people in it. As I often am, you know, I'm a mentor. That's what I live for that to help the young people. - Of course. - But yes, it's like they ask questions about things in 1984. And you're like, that's tough. You know, like, I mean, you know, you're asking a lot. Like, discful, like, there is a memory, but it's just, no, I mean, it is amazing the way you're mind, not you consciously, but you're mind decide. Your mind is your mom going through your old playboys, your old soldiers. Toys, soldiers, I just baseball cards and just throwing shit away. And sometimes you want to say to your mind, mom, I wanted that. - Right. - And you throw it away. - Well, the worst part is when you forget what it is that you were trying to remember. - Yeah. (laughing) - I do it live here every week. I mean, I'm doing it right now. - Yeah, but they know that the thing in Montreal, I do not remember because those gigs that I felt were big gigs back then, I will go back to that same facility and be like, what, because my first special, I thought it was 2006 and a theater, and if you had asked me two days ago, I would have told you it was 1200 people. And we went back 'cause we were going to shoot another special. I said, let's go back to that place, full circle. And they came back to me and they said, it's like 300 seats. I'm like, it's smaller than a comedy club. - Wow. - So the thing that we did in Montreal. - Like going back to your old room, huh? - Like going back to your old room where you grew up. - Yeah, yeah. - And you feel big. - Right, and no more. So the thing that we did in Montreal could have been, it could have been three or 400 seats or it could have been a thousand. - Well, I only obsess on it because Montreal was the site of such a traumatic moment in my life. - What happened? I was, I was booked there as a headliner before I was ready to be a headliner. - Oh, so what year was that? - 1980. - Okay, well, yeah, I was long before I moved out. - Well, I had only been doing comedy a year and a half. - Oh, wow. - And I was not ready to be a headliner and proved it that night. And it was just, you know, the only laugh I got was mispronouncing the name of the local premier Rene Levesque who was running to separate Quebec. It was a big issue at the time, whether Quebec would become its own country. And there was just something about bombing like, sometimes I'd go to the comedy store. Like after dinner, we're just like, what are we gonna do? I don't wanna go home. Oh, you know what's great? 'Cause I don't drink anymore, really, just here. And I see these people on stage. I mean, it's either really good or painfully bad. Either way, it's not uninteresting. - Right. - And when I see the painfully bad. I mean, I've seen some things that were just, and I'm like, wow, I know that exact feeling. Maybe I didn't lash out that badly, but I definitely made things worse as this comic is doing. - Oh. - And, but I did it. I couldn't do it now. But. - Well, that's the way I am with the Melrose improv. And that's why I don't hang out with comics. I'm like kind of my own lone wolf. I've never been part of that, that, you know, you know, you did the tonight's show of Carson, then you went back to the improv and you watched it and everybody, yeah. - People snobby 'cause you work with puppets. - Of course, yeah, of course. It was like, you really should be another kind of designation for the woke to champion, if you will, you know. I mean, of course. - Like in walk hard, you know, obviously walk hard. - No, never did. - Never saw walk hard. - You're like, what are you, a communist? It's the best. It's so funny. Judd Apatow's set up a music, The Beatles. Oh, it's amazing. - All right. - And, but one of them is, there's a Dylan character in his champion's mentions. - Oh, no, that's great. - He sings the folks for the little people. You have to just even just look at that clip. It's just too much. - All right. - But yeah, so the improv is the way, 'cause it was, you know, and there's a stigma against anybody who's not a straight monologist. You walk up on stage with anything. I care a top, you know, he, people love him. - Yeah, but now. - We're good show. - Like, we go see a show and it is in Vegas. It is laugh out loud for any form. - The beginning of the end. - Oh, sure, it's brilliant. Just because it's a puppet, a puppet, it's a device. - Well, see, what I like, what I do, the reason I love it, is because I can point and counterpoint, and I can bring up a subject in a topic. And if the character says something that's not quite right, I can do the opposite side of it. It's a conversation. - What it is, you know, I have the same jealousy of you that I have of my very, very dear friend, Seth McFarlane. Because like, what I do is I say, as me, what I say. And so I get a lot more shit than they do. 'Cause when you're a cartoon, it's amazing. If I said the things that they do as a cartoon, cripples and race, I would be castigated to no end. And you can hide behind the scenes. it's not, I don't mean that, it's a knock, it's just a device that allows you this distance that gives you a latitude with the audience, that I do not enjoy, because it is me, as me, they know I'm not a character, and so you are just much more out front. And gut felt, it says something horrible, and he goes, "I raised this to say, he always comes in of that one." And he's like really, to me, really brilliant, and he'll say something horrible, and then he'll back it up with that, and the massage in this one, say, but you're right, and it is, but it is fun like that, because I can say outrageous things, and then correct him until you're right. I do, I can get away with a lot of stuff, but I like doing that, because people walk away from my show going, "I really don't know what he thinks. I'm not sure what his beliefs are, because he did both sides." Right. I mean, that's from the very beginning that has always been, and should always be, the classic paradigm of the Ventriloquist is, you know, just demonstrating the puppet. These are nice people, for God's sake, what are you saying, you're in so out of line. I am the voice of, I don't insult the nice people like that, they're not. You know, that's every Ventriloquist movement you've ever had, and it has to have that sense, you know. So, how long have you done this show? We started this in 2022. Who is the absolute best for you when I think this is going to be a dud, and it would turn out to be a fabulous interview, or you're like, "God, it's not an interview." Well, I mean, the two who turned into the best discussion that you like found. Oh, my God. So, even if I hadn't answered that, I wouldn't-- Okay, then which one has gotten the most watches that people loved? I don't know those things either. My deal with this was, I already have a job, all I'm going to do is walk over here from next door where I live. Right. Exactly the time the show starts, and leave right after it ends, and that is the level of my commitment. Can I say that you think that way? Can I say the size of-- I barely know who the guest is. Right. He's the level of Carson would say that he'd walk off stage, and he'd get home, and somebody would say, "How was the show?" And he couldn't even remember who it was, the interview. Yeah. Well, that's certainly when you do it every day show. Right. But even now, if you said, "Who were the guests on real-time Friday?" Like, "Okay, I could think I could conjure it up, but two weeks ago, no." You know, I mean, that's the nature of this kind of business is a little like a sports team. You know, next game, you-- as soon as the one game is over, you're thinking about the next game. So what's going to happen to the midter? Bill Bologic. Or on this incident. What's going to happen to the midterms? Other Democrats are going, "Can not help, but win this way?" Even they can't blow it. Really? Oh, yeah. Trump is historically unpopular. He's even unpopular, getting unpopular, more so in his own party, his own base. Right. They did not like the war. They think that was-- it's funny, me and the base on opposite sides. I did support the idea of taking out the Iranian regime. Now that it didn't quite work, there was no uprising. I'm not for like making this indefinite, but he's already pivoted to blockading, which is better than we're going to bomb you and end your civilization. I mean, once it got to that point, he lost me. Right. See, that's the point. He says a few of those things where you go, "What are you doing?" A few. More than a few. Right. But, okay. Right. No, I mean, look, I said during the campaign before he won, I'm not going to pre-hate anything since he got into office. I've made a list of what I hate and what I don't hate. And so like there's nothing on the what I don't hate list, there are lots of things I like. Or think, you know, he has a knack for like identifying stuff that has been festering. Even something like, you know, college campuses. Right. Yes, there has been an insanity festering on college campuses. No amount of voodoo could make me think I didn't see that. Right. And the border, you know, he closed it, but he fucked it up by having sucking ice on the American public in a way that was unconstitutional and way too cruel, you know. So I don't know, but the Iran War, I thought it's worth a shot. Take a shot, Mav. Take the shot. And we did. And I think we missed our timing. They should have done it in January when there were actual uprisings in the streets. When they were in the streets, when they were in the streets, the Iranian regime killed them all. Right. Now who's left to rise up? Right. You know, so the thing has not been conducted well, but it's still, I'm so glad that he climbed down from, we're going to bomb your civilization to death to, uh, we're going to blockade your blockade. Oh, you think you're the only one to go blockade? Okay. I can live with blockades, not, not we're going to destroy your civilization. Is there nobody around him going, me, that's why it was so good that I had dinner with him. That's why I'm trying, I was trying to tell the crazy left wingers, you need more people like me talking to them, not less. Right. You're always complaining. You surrounded by askissers. Right. Yeah. Get me in there. Right. Get other people like that. He wants to talk to people, I think. Right. I think he's bored sometimes with, with the askissers. I mean, I don't think he respects anyone who does kisses ask completely. I don't. Right. I've known people like that. I. Well, there's a drive you crazy when, when there's people around you that you know that they're scared to be around you or you've had employees that are scared to be around you and we'll say whatever you want, that has to drive you crazy, right? You talking about me? You. Yes. It's, it's an interesting topic. There, there are, it's nice, especially when you're 70, when people give you what I believe is the proper respect a person deserves just for reaching that age. Right. There is a certain level and everyone used to understand this in America. It's a very ageist society, many do not. But just for getting there, you should get a little something. Your askissed, no, that's not what I'm saying. Just a kind of baseline respect. You got there, you must have done something right, especially if you got there and you're not like, you know, a mess. Right. But there are 70-year-old idiots that used to be, they used to be 30-year-old idiots, right? There's no fool like an old fool. Okay. Yeah. Well, what I'm asking is, because this is what drives me crazy sometimes, the people that work for me is somebody, if somebody is scared to death of me and won't say what they're thinking and won't give me their opinion, it drives me nuts. I want somebody who will tell me what they're thinking and totally. Okay. Well, you've had those people around. So to finish the thought, yes, it's nice that people give you the respect you deserve. But when people work for you, it is very hard for it not to tip into something that I bet you 90% of the people out there would love, or if they enjoy it, do love, I don't love, which is a little bit of, I don't know if you really feel that way, are you just saying that because I'm the boss? Right. I don't like that. Right. Because I don't need my ass kiss. I'm very happy with who I am. My ego does not need fluffing. Right. I think it's the appropriate size. It's not small. It's not out of control. It's healthy. That's, we need that. But I do not, I value the truth. Not, and that doesn't also mean on the other side to be a contrarian. Just don't say the opposite because that's interesting. Just tell me the actual truth. That's what I'm always trying to get from people. Just the actual truth. That's why I love talking to the young people that I mentor, you know, people in their 20s, because they don't know what the right answer is supposed to be. Right. They don't know about Rachel Maddow or Fox News. Right. They don't know about what Tucker Carlson's saying. They don't, they just know what strikes them. How are your conversations with Bill O'Reilly? We don't really have any. I mean, you've been, you've, I mean, you know, I've had him on the show. He occasionally emails me and I always, I just, to hear what Bill has to say and sometimes it's complimentary and it's nice and a email back. I would say we have a cordial good relationship, but we always kind of did. I mean, there was only, you were cousins, you know, when, when Henry Lewis Gates did my genealogy on, you know, that show where they do your, has he done you? No, no, no. Oh, you should get it. I'm adopted. So I don't know anything. That would be even better. I don't know anything. Like a CSI. I could have married my sister. But Bill O'Reilly, which a natural mar, very Irish, you know, O'Reilly, I mean, so way back in Ireland, I don't know, you know, we're all cousins at some point. So you really are? Yes. That's great. I mean, we all are. To a degree. Of course. Even you and I are. Of course. I mean, we all come from Lucy. Yep. Yep. Not the one with that thought. (laughs) was almost as old. I mean, the-- Wait, where was Lucy found? Where in Africa? Yeah, East Africa. All of them's in East Africa. That's where man developed. Lucy is about 2.5 million years old, about four-foot tall, female, and stood pretty upright. You know, so 2.5 million years ago, we had an ancestor who was four-foot tall and stood upright and, you know, was well on her way. I say you go, girl. You know, I mean, I know that's not what is in the Bible, I hope I have it. Again, I'm a Christian and grew up in a Christian home. At the same time, you know, I have those beliefs and I appreciate when people respect people they can have faith. Yeah, and that's what I was saying about you and the grass seed. The undergrass Tyson. Tyson, yeah, is that I've been interested in, like, I downloaded one of his books the other day and it just seemed like he tempered that a little bit. And, you know, I-- I don't know the truth. Nobody knows the truth. Nobody knows it yet. I can't speak for him. I can only speak for me when I say, I'm always with Richard Dawkins, one of the most famous atheists, when he says, on a scale of 1 to 7, 7 being utter certainty that there is no God. I'm a 6.9. Right. That's what-- I mean, like, who knows where it all began? I mean, I've been following the-- Is he something like that for me? I'm fine with that. I-- that's-- you're right to believe that. And that's what drives me crazy about the left, as you talked about before. They shove it down, and if you don't believe the way we do, then you're an idiot. So, no, I'm not saying that, but Bill O'Reilly speaking Bill O'Reilly once. I don't think this was in a debate with me, but, again, it stopped to remember the past. It could have been, but I think it's just something he said when he was contesting people who don't have faith or believe in God. And he said, "The moon, how to get there? How to get there?" Which I thought was, like, the low end of your kind of argument if you're going to make the biggest-- first of all, we know how the moon got there. Right. We don't know questions beyond that. The moon, I can answer you that one. Right. It's a piece of a planet that maybe are, is that broke off. Right. And got smoothed out over the billions of years, you know, by the universe. Right. Whatever. Okay. It's so great that we went back, because it's going to get us a lot, but-- Oh, come on. It's fun. It is fun. It's great. It's just another thing for rich people to do. No! But, okay. We have to do that. But the question, you know, the moon, how to get there? We can't answer that. Well, we can't answer is, why is there anything? Right. And anything ever exists, you know. And if there was no thing with a beginning, would that be something? It's just ridiculous. Your brain is never going to comprehend this. Right. So, some of us just let that go. Right. And we think that people who make up stories about why things are big-- you know, are just making up stories to make them feel better. But if it does make you feel better, I'm not going to-- you know, I believe in good health. If that makes you feel healthy, if putting your head on the pillow at night, knowing, if I die in my sleep, I'll go to a better place. Right. I kind of wish I had that. Well, see, that's a reasonable-- all those things you just said is very reasonable. And that's why I appreciate sitting here with you now and talking to you. Yeah. 25 years ago. Ah! 25 years ago, it was all about the sex. You know that. Well, those interviews about you, yeah. And what are you getting ready to smoke? Oh. A clove cigarette? Oh, OK. No, I'm kidding. It's a pot. What? Somebody should laugh. Well, OK. Probably my deal is-- Because they knew. I'm going to be great. I'm just going to have a taste. I got it. I'm trying to smoke less and eat more. I'm going to-- Is this-- is this stuff really more potent now than it used to be? I'm really the wrong guy to ask that because I smoke steadily over the years. So like, my resistance level is probably like Dennis Quaid in that movie where he was the quarterback and he's in the house middle. And I-- you got to pump up the volume, doc. I'm a football player, you know. I had the dentist ones who told me he had Ozzy Osborne in the chair once. And like, you know, Ozzy was like, please, doc. I'm Ozzy Osborne, you know. I get it that you think this amount of gas gets people high, but you know that-- Is that true? That's cute. I mean, that's-- it's a story, I remember. Could I have dreamt it? Never. Could you have told it to me at a party in Montreal? It's possible, but that was my recollection of the dentist telling me that. But, you know, the Beatles got acid from their dentist, so they got high for the first time. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Oh, you never heard that story, but-- Is that what happened? It's such a boomer. Yeah. That's a boomer story, and I don't know it. Is that what you're going to say? Well, the Beatles, you know. Right. I mean, yeah, that their dentist, like, put it in their coffee, and they didn't even know it. For some reason, there was like this dentist of the stars, you know. We have the same thing that goes on now, this love. Yeah. Celebrities love doctors. Right. And very often, by the way, doctors killed them. Right. Elvis. Dr. Nick. Yep. Michael Jackson. Fred Murray. Yep. My personal internist now. No. Okay. We're good. But, well, what were we talking about? It's tough. Drs. And, oh, doctors killed stars. Right. Stars definitely like to have doctors around them, and you--why would you not? Right. But I know there was a bigger point to it, but-- You don't care. We don't care. Where did the tequila go? Right there. That one. That one. Just, just pour me a slight amount. Like, imagine I'm a drunk who's really trying to--that's enough. That's enough. Really trying to--you know, clean up his act. Perfect. And get off the street. Perfect. But-- Well, my wife did make you cookies. And she's vegan. How long have you been married? Audrey and I've been married for almost 14 years. We have twin boys at her. Ten years old. Wow. Is it your second wife? Yeah. Three daughters from first marriage, and then-- Well, what was your first marriage? Win? Win, yeah. 94. 94. 94. 94. 94. 94. To 2007. You know, Bob Newhart. Did you love Bob Newhart? I love Bob Newhart. He used to do a bit on the--it's something I'm doing on that tonight, so he's like, you know, like, he said, at some point, you--the people out here in LA, they start measuring everything by their wives. Like, "Dad, you're stadium, but last time I was--here I was married to Helen." [laughter] That's true. That's absolutely true. Yep. So anyway, I have three grandsons and my son-- Grandson? Yeah. Three grandsons. Holy fuck. Yeah. Really? And the oldest one is almost the same age as my twin boys, so the Christmas cards are very confusing. So, why do you think the first one didn't take? How? And he took only it wasn't for me. [laughter] That's why. We'll be right back. [laughter] Yeah. Sorry. It kicks in from--yeah. Years ago on ABC. I'm so great. Yeah. Did Carson really have on his tombstone? I'll be right back. No. He didn't? No. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. Oh, man. That's a--that's a wives' tent. When he said that, he said that he was going to have put on it. Really? Yeah. I don't think so. Oh, well. That'd been great. I mean, I think you--do you still have family? [laughter] Yeah, I'm a sister. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it? Yeah. And what does she do? She's retired. I mean, I'm 70. She's four years older than me. Oh. She was a teacher. Yeah. So, do you have nieces and nephews? No. Yeah. No, neither one of us got married. Oh. Yeah. The line ends here. I've said to me, you know, Bill, don't you know your line? I'm just going to end the day off. I'm like, what are my fucking prints, Harry? What are I going to do? I'm a fucking fine line. And also, I mean, I just think celebrities having kids--it would be a nipple, baby. Right. I don't want a nipple, baby. And it's unavoidable. Right. Like, even if they're not in your business, it's almost inevitable. It's--and why wouldn't you? I mean, today's kids of celebrities, it's almost like day-regor. Yeah. You're going to do it. Well, I've told all my kids, don't count on anything coming from me. I'm spending every bit of it. My father told me that. He said, there will be no inheritance. So good luck. Keep working. And that's what I've told them all. Yeah. But you're a celebrity. If they do something, anything in the public eye, it's much more interesting for the media to cover them than somebody who is not--who doesn't have a parent of this celebrity. Because that's the first thing. It's like, oh, we can put this bold name in. They know your name. So, like, you know-- But they got to work for it. Chloe Dunham. Yeah. And I'm just making that. You know, okay. That's a terrible thing. Oh, okay. So that's not good. I didn't want it to be the real good thing. Like, whatever your kid's name is. Chloe Dunham. Okay. He's like, okay. This is a kid. Maybe you're going to still have Chloe Dunham. Daughter of Jeff Dunham, the famous, you know? Right. Okay. more money on the road than Chris Rock and Jerry Sunfield, and she is now, you know, has a new record contract with Gigantic Records, you know, like, you know, she's got two million followers. I mean, a lot of the people who we know are household names. I mean, obviously, the granddaddy of them, the Kardashians, but on down, I mean, yes, half of them come from the Disney Channel, and they seem to have talent like Zendaya, you know, they at least have training under Disney. And then half of them just seem to be influencers, and Nepo babies and people who were kind of grandfathered in to the whole scheme of show business. And what did you, what did your dad do? My dad was in radio news. Where? Back in New York. And what did he do? Like he read the news, like, back in the day when 60s, 70s, when every radio station, I mean, this is before, I mean, there was FM, but it was mostly AM, and every radio station would have news at the top of the hour. Yeah. Yeah. The headline Moscow Prime Minister Kennedy Howell of the United Kingdom has, you know, do you have tapes of him? Yes, I have some tapes of him. And is it a radio voice or a voice? Yes, totally. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. That's so great. Oh, that's what it was. Oh, absolutely. Yes. And I remember when I first started getting into, you know, auditioning for stuff and being in front of the mic, and they'd be like, don't talk like that. I'd be like, don't talk like, what? They'd talk like yourself like that. Like what? And then I'd start reading like this. No, no, no, no. No, you have the accent that I would say at least 80% of the country has. Which is somewhere. Well, I mean, it's, it's not, you know, years isn't, isn't pronounced, but it is an American accent. We're an American. Right. I love America. So they, they, they, they, they don't knock on you. And, and you grew up, where in New York? In New Jersey. In New Jersey, where in New York? Well, right, of suburb of New York. And. In Oregon County, New Jersey. Oh, sure, absolutely. As my father drove across the George Washington bridge every day, parked in Washington Heights, which is across the river in Harlem, Upper Harlem, and took the train subway down to Rockefeller Center or Midtown, where his station was. And what was the station? First it was W-O-R. Wow. And then he worked at NBC. And then, you know, in his later years, he was an editor. He worked with Howard Stern. He worked with Don Eimus as the news editor. Yeah, he, and, you know, and those days, they would work, and it was a stressful job. You know, my father was a Irishman, not a drunk at all, because he never missed a day of work or never affected his family life is, but he would get home from work. He needed his three or four martinis. Oh. You know, and dry, meaning just gin. But he would, he would use the morning guy? No. The opposite. The evening, the evening guy. Yeah, toward the end, they put him on mornings and he fucking hated it, and he used to get up at 3.30 in the morning and drive in the dark and the fog. That wasn't so bad. It was coming home after a night of work where they had stopped off at the Ho Ho, which was the Chinese restaurant, and then at the bottom of Rockefeller Center, to have a little Chinese food. And, you know, he probably had three martinis before he got in the car. Yeah. Right. But, you know, that's what people did in the seventies. Right. And happily married. They stayed together. Yeah. I think that era people had such different standards and they just, it divorced just wasn't. Okay. Different standards, but was the cheat and going online and they just stayed together. It has to be it. I would be seriously shocked if I found out either one of my parents was cheating. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Well, you think yours were? No, I don't. I know there was a time that my father was very unhappy. That's called marriage. I know, he was, he was financial problems. He made some bad investments. They, you know, they just, they built the house. I was a little kid. Things weren't going well. And that's the only time I really remember them arguing. And I look at the pictures and I go, is that all it was? And I think it's not all that it was. It's not all that it was. I mean, it doesn't help when you're having financial problems. Right. I mean, financial problems don't help making your deck hard. Right. Right. But even if finance is going well. Right. I'm, you know, and familiarity in a marriage is going to work against excitement and red hot monkey love. You know what? That's just the deal. Okay. So I'm going to agree with you in my first marriage. And in my marriage now, it's like, I'm telling you, and I hate people that say this. But if it works, it works. And if it's, if the two together are supposed to be together, that stuff can last and keep going. And it's rare, rare, rare. The fact that, and again, I hate people to talk about their marriage when it's great because it's like, shut up. But we love being together all the time. That's great. Which is very, very rare. And yeah, when we first got together and Audrey was on the road with me on the tour bus, we were together side by side for eight years, never left each other side and never got tired of each other. And that's so loud. And she, I'm, you know, how many years older, I forget. I'm drinking tequila. How many? I like to know. Oh. No, because I get hit with this all the time. She was born in 80 and I was born in 62. So 18 years. Oh, please. You're an amateur. 18 years. But, you know, that is a great feeling. I know that feeling. I don't know if I could ever maintain that feeling 31 days a month. It's just, it's just asking a lot. I just don't know how much, and it's not them. It's just, or her, actually. It's just how much charm do I have. I like the fact that I have enough days to just be within myself not having to put out any degree of charm to anyone, as my staff, no, I'm getting, I'm not mean, or anyway, I just, you know, we only meet once a week anyway. But, you know, I mean, I do my business and I go home, like a dog. Right. Take me out. I do my business. You're not a tough guy to work for? No. I mean, I'm a tough guy to work for if you need Michael Scott. If you need some asshole who's like clapping you on the back every week and say, hey, you do it a great job. Yeah. No. I mean, you know what? If I'm not complaining, you're doing a great job. Right. I'm that kind of boss. I think that's so much better. When I, when I was an employee, I love that kind of boss. Just, don't talk to me at all. Right. Like, if, just don't talk to me, do you shower them with things? No. I shower them. I certainly do not. Okay. Here's another question. Okay. And I know it's the age old question, why has it taken this long for anybody to come out and say anything? That's amazing. We were having our issues meeting today at the office that is exactly the question we hit upon. Okay. And I, you know, you want to believe everybody, but why, how has it taken this long? Was it really, was it really all cover up? I have far, I find that hard to believe, but why does, and then I'm not, obviously, not a woman. Don't get it scared to death if something like that would happen if I was a woman. Well, it's, it's a subject I've talked upon before, especially with Cassie and P. Diddy, that case, which was very high profile. Yep. Boy, do you get a lot of blowback as usual, Jeff, I will, I will not pull a punch. I know this blowback, and my thesis was, of course, we have great empathy for women and what they've had to go through and still go through, me too has a lot of work still to do, but also, at some point, women have to take more agency and when it, when it starts to happen, report it right away. We don't want to hear about 20 years later, you know, I mean, get out right away if it's abusive, report it right away. It's the only way this is going to work because, yes, there's, there's, you'd lose credibility when it's like he did this horrible thing and then we started dating or whatever it is. I mean, it's not always that, but it's sometimes it is that and it just makes it very murky. And women are stronger than that and they can do this and they, they need you to do this, you know. I don't think we are living in an era where the authorities are not sympathetic to this anymore. Right. That is one thing that I think did change with me too. They're not going to just say, okay, honey, you know, you're wearing a mini skirt, get out of my office, right? You know, you can get into big trouble for that now, right? As you should, right? So you can, you know, step forward. And so I still think we're living that era where women are adjusting to this new reality. And I'm sympathetic to them because they see a guy like this getting away with this for as long as he has, right? And it looks like, oh, well, what has changed if he thought he could get away with it? But here's the bottom line. He didn't. Right. He didn't. Right. It's kind of like the cop thing. years. I was very curious. critical of the cops, 'cause no matter what abuse they did, they never held their own accountable. - That changed, right. - When things change, yes. - I changed, there's my theme. - I changed, now cops do go to jail, right? - You know, the guy who George Floyd is in jail. Many cops are, that used to never happen, right? And, and used to never happen that anybody could do anything to a woman. I mean, the golden age of movies, it wasn't a golden age if you were an actress, right? It meant Louis B. Mayer was, was kinda get blown, right? But, before we even start fitting you for the costumes. - Right. - Yeah, so, thing sometimes changes for great. - What? - Sometimes changes for great. - Changes, you know? - Yeah, I mean, the thing I object to is, with the younger people is the idea that change, just if it's change is automatically better. It's not automatically better, just 'cause it's newer. It can be. But some things are not better 'cause they're newer, right? - You know, I mean, we see that with technology. There's just a lot of shit that, you know, I call it reverse improvement, right? You didn't make it better. - Yeah, oh, it is fascinating to me. When you look back at some of the inventions and stuff when you have electricity and blah, blah, blah. We're no smarter now. We just have better stuff. That's it. And, you know, the brilliance of the arts and all the stuff that goes back, it's, I feel like we've dumbed ourselves down a lot. - Well, I hope you and your loyal audience have not felt like you'd dumbed anything down. - I feel like. - I'm not talking about that. - No, no, but I'm just saying, you know, I think we've dumbed ourselves down with technology. You were talking about the same thing with the phones and stuff and everybody staring at it. And the new generation understands that we need to somehow go back. And it's that reversal of progression that I think would help society and help us as human beings. - You know, I just mean your audience wants you to be politically incorrect. And you should, you know, that's a great thing. You know, they don't, you know, want to be pandered to. - Well, here's the way I've always judged it with my audiences. It's like, I feel like if I'm offending 5% of the crowd and I want, they want to walk out then I've come to that line that I enjoy. - Right. - And this is the other thing is like, this is one thing that really is, as I cannot figure out. My job in front of an audience is to entertain that audience. They have paid good money to come see the show. I am not going to push my politics on them. That's not my thing. My thing is to make them laugh. I don't know at what point. And yours is a different thing, politically incorrect. Your different character, different thing. But I'm talking about straight stand-up comics that are supposed to entertain an audience. I always ask an audience. This is what I've done for the past eight years. I ask an audience, I was asking, who's going to vote for Hillary? Who's going to vote for Trump? And then in the last even over in Europe, I would say, we have had an election a year ago this past November. How many people dislike what's going on with that administration? How many people like it? It's crazy. The different countries that give you different reactions. Why am I doing that? I'm trying to see who's in that crowd. Because I can slightly adjust some of the jokes to entertain a majority of the audience. I'm not going to do my show for me. I'm doing it for them. So I don't know at what point at late night or in show business did celebrities feel that they have to push their political agenda on everybody. And they think that everyone needs to know their politics. My job is to entertain and make people laugh. I was just watching the-- It's Carson. I was just watching the Elvis Boslerman. He did the Elvis movie. And he did like a second movie on Elvis. OK. Elvis Presley in concert, right? And it's Elvis singing his songs. I mean, look, I'm a huge Elvis fan. I was not a huge fan of the-- why did the songs he chose to do in a stage act? I love his recordings from that period. Late '60s, early '70s. Awesome. But he didn't do them on stage. He did shit like CC writer. I don't get it. Anyway, Boslerman did this. And he showed clips of Elvis. And there's one where he's doing this press conference. I've seen the clip many times. He's wearing his typical huge collar suit at a beautiful cobalt blue. And somebody asks him-- and he's looking at his bass. He's amazing. And they're asking him like, what do you think about the protesters these days? And he goes, man, please, I'm an entertainer. I'd rather keep those thoughts to myself. And then she's follow up. What about people? Are there celebrities who'd comment on it? I don't even want to comment on that. And I was like, thank you, Elvis. You know, thank you. Just saying fucking suspicious minds, as you do, so well. Right. And again, I'll make fun of both sides. I'll still do political jokes when I try to even it out. The same way Leno and Carson both did. Because I think most people can laugh with themselves a little bit if you're not too insulting. Yeah, I think there's more politics in Iraq than you think there is. I mean, just to have a puppet named Ted Terrorist. Yeah. I get it. I understand that. I can't run away from-- I understand that. But I'm not calling the other side an idiot. Exactly. No, no, no, I'm with you. I'm for you. I like you. I wouldn't have me here if I did. I only got people where I like-- I don't have to do this. This is my little pleasure. It's my midweekly pleasure. It's great. And by the way, can I ask you, what band is that back there? That's the surprise. Is what? That? The little guy's in the band. Oh, that's, no band. I mean, that's actually a real classic. I've bought that from an art collector. That moves. I could like turn that on. That looks great. It's fucking creepy, isn't it? They look like something out of the shining. I love stuff like that. Yeah, I'm sure you do. I collect toys and stuff, so yeah, that's-- You make puppets. Oh, I actually make them, don't you? I build the dummies myself. I even have a great job on my tour bus. Did you ever see the movie The Stepfather? No. You got to catch up on movies. I do. You should see that one. What was the other one you just see? I forget. It was something good, though. But The Stepfather, it's great, and they remade it. Well, he kills his whole family. Oh, perfect. Thanks, Bill. Like, the first scene, you see. He just lauders his whole family. And then he leaves town, changes his look, and of course, this is the '80s '90s. So you could do this easier without social-- I mean, without surveillance and stuff. So now he's in a new town. And of course, he's a trauma. He gets with a woman always, like in the last family, who, like, has got kids, but no husband. And he's like the all-American guy that's supporting. But he's really down in the basement, plotting to kill them, because that's how I picture you. Oh, perfect. He on the puppets, and you're the stepfather. That's my second one, too, but-- And by the way, we have a new show out called Jeff Dunham's The Cars That Made Us. The Cars. The Cars That Made Us. Yeah, what I do best. Plugged in. So it's on Discovery. And-- Discovery. Yeah, it's on Discovery. And, I don't know, it's been doing really well. What is it called? Jeff Dunham's The Cars That Made Us. I bet you let us on it. He is. And how could he not be-- He was great, too. And what about Jerry? You got to get him on there. He's a car, not-- You know, I don't understand. That's another guy. I am a comedian, I think. But he would never have me on The Cars and Coffee Thing. I'll text them. Thanks. I like Jerry. I've always said, when I talk about Edgar Bergen, I talk about-- I always say that Edgar Bergen was the Jerry Seinfeld of the radio era, because he was a huge radio star. And I always use that comparison. And I always thought Jerry was great, but he never had me on his show. Did he still do the Cars and Coffee? I mean-- Oh, it's straighten this feud out. I have no feud. I saw him in an elevator in his manager. What's his manager's name? Well, his manager passed away. Oh, no. What was his name? Oops. I don't know. I was telling him-- I can't remember either. Yeah, yeah. But I met him in an elevator. George appeared. George appeared? I didn't know what George appeared. Oh, yes. OK. But I met the man over there very nice. Oh, yeah. You're great. Real pleasure. Yeah. It's good to know you. Yeah. This is-- this is almost as good as Montreal. Because we had sex there. [LAUGHTER] He's twice. Because that's what-- oh, now it's twice. I love doing this story only grows. Perfect. [MUSIC PLAYING] I don't know how this ends. This ends ending. It's ending. I think it's over. All right, perfect. [MUSIC PLAYING]