110. Jeff Arcuri, Jeremiah Watkins, Eleanor Kerrigan | Bugs

Alright story warriors before we start today's show you should know that me and Big J are always on the road coming to a city near you. Check me out on the rattlesnake this tour. This weekend I'm in Fort Lauderdale, Florida at the comedy bar. Next weekend I'm in Portland, Maine at the Empire Comedy Club. Right after that I have Belmore New York coming up Rochester, New York, North Charleston, South Carolina and more. You can also check out Story Wars Live in Austin, Texas, two shows on October 28th. So go to Lewisofskanks.com to grab those tickets and more. And you can catch me this weekend in Virginia Beach, funny bone, Timonium Maryland coming up two weeks after that followed by Cleveland hilarities Seattle Washington for the first time in a long time at Emerald City Comedy Club. The Denver Comedy works downtown coming back there first time since taping them day there. Rochester, New York, coming to Carlson and then going back to the comedy mother ship. Go to bigjcomedy.com right now to get your tickets. All right, let's start this b*tch. Fill her up. You're listening to the gas digital network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Quit the story. Warriors, Big J, Yolkerson and Lewis. Jay, go man. What is up everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. Let's make some noise for me. Will you New York City please? Our 74th week in a row sold out here at the New York comedy club with a massive cavernous New York comedy club. Impossible to get seen. Just the people on the top now. Yeah, we see you up there. We always ask how many people are here familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Well, you know what, sir, buckle the f*ck up. We got a great show plan for you today. Greatest night of your life. It's a very simple game. I'll put your first time here or your first time listening at home. I'll explain it after we get our esteemed panel of contestants up here tonight. Our first contestant was a record of Owen won on Story Wars. He's the host of standup on the spot. He also has a podcast called Trailer Tales. Make some noise for the hilarious Jeremiah walk-in. Jeremiah walk-ins. Jeremiah walk-ins. Jeremiah walk-ins. Hey, hi. Hello. What's up, Jeremiah? Back on the show. I know. I'm so excited to be back. Embarrass yourself last time. You were not able to defeat the Story Warriors. How have you prepared for this show today? I learned a lot from my last time on the show and I've got some new strategies that are gonna be for sure gonna go my way. You said it all without saying anything. Next competitor, hilarious comedian, making her Story Wars debut. Amazing special called No Country for Old Women on YouTube. Put your hands together for Eleanor Kerrigan. Eleanor, it's so good to have you here. Were you having hot flashes on the way up here? Absolutely. That's why I ran in. Time is a mofo. It's a lot of men that come on this show. So tonight it could be like, "Oh, I had my period but it's probably Eleanor. There we go." No way. I haven't had that in a minute. Nice. You hear that fellas? Good to go. Shoot it up, buddy. Little extra spit. Last but not least, our third and final contestant. You can catch his debut special, Railbow right now, on Netflix, called Nice to Meet You. Make some noise for the great Jeff R. Curry. What's up, guys? Thanks for doing the show, Jeff. I have you watched the show. You're familiar with what's going on. I'm a legitimate fan of the show. I saw a lot of the episodes. You see that, dumbass? That's what you're fucking. That's the way you come into the show. Me and Jeff were met before at comedy star. He was telling me that he likes to show up. That's amazing. Very exciting. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, special. All right. If it's your first time here or your first time listening at home, Story Wars is a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject. Bugs. Bugs. This crowd's electric. This is one of, I mean, I'll tell you right now, we're three minutes under the show. One of the best crowds we've ever had at Story Wars. I'm sure you are. And I'm not just saying that because there's not a lot of chicks. Oh, wow. That really is. Yeah. Yeah. And the ones that are here look like they were dragged, drugged, drugged. Sorry. My tenses. Alex, our lovely producer is going to read eight of those stories at random. They're going to appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess who story it is. Every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So when it's your story, randomly, if it's your story, that is a huge opportunity. You can get four points when it's your stories. Do not squander it. And once you put your answer right here on the table, you hit the button and then slide it over. Once it's locked in, that's it. You cannot change it. And you really can't. They can't even change it. The judges can't change it. Do not fuck this up. Jay's done it twice. One time it was good for him. One time it was bad. So we split it. Don't fuck it up. And I'll tell you right now, we're going to have so much fun tonight. This show is always a lot of fun. It's never not fun. But we don't play for fun, kids. Jay, let him know what we're playing for today. If the second you do it wrong, you should be allowed to like, they should be have something way to change that back. Yeah. No, that's your final answer, Jay. Shut up. Every week on Story Wars, we are playing for a book from the Story Wars library. Tonight's winner takes home Empire Advance, the hidden worlds and extraordinary lives of Earth's tiniest conquerors by Suzanne Foytzik and Ola Freech. That's a good buck. That's a good buck. I read this one. Empire Advance changes everything you think you know about the Earth's most successful species. More than just the tiny creepy crawlies you find on your backyard, Ants make up an estimated 20% of the planet's animal biomass and their highly organized counties have allowed them to thrive in nearly any ecosystem. The fucking kid is on, dude. This crowd is fucking hyped up. Someone's taking home Empire, the answer to the hidden worlds and extraordinary lives the first tiniest conquerors by Suzanne Foytzik and Ola Freech. Somebody's bringing that home today. It's just crowd ready for war. New York comedy club, are you ready for war? Thank you, roots. Yes. They were hootin. They were up, but they were cheering. Alexandra, hit us with story number one. Story number one. In high school, I taped a pill bug inside of my belly button. It was my pet for the day. This is Ellen where it's taped to the table. Take it out. That was crazy. This is not for the elderly. Seriously, what is this? Alex, we need our screen up here. We don't have it up. Screens done on. I don't know why this feels like. You see, the thing is, Ellen were grow up in Philly like me, so this seems like country as shit. Jeremiah grew up in a fucking Kansas city. Yep. So I got rural shit. What's up, Jeff? Where'd you grow up? Long Island. Yeah. I called them Rolly Polies. Oh, is that what a pill bug is? A Rolly Polies? Yeah, is that okay. That's an ortheistic because I grew up in Rolly Polies. I call them Rolly Polies. Oh, do you? You don't call them Rolly Polies, do you? I don't know. Me and Elinor didn't have the pleasure of having Roy Poeys. We had aggressive epniks in the the streets of Philadelphia. - You think we were worried about a bug's name? - Bugs? Bugs my aunt. - My uncle used to name his roaches. - There were so many pills on the street, you guys are like, it's a pill. - Yeah, that's how you. - If they had pill bugs in Philly, I wonder what would have swallowed it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're like, oh. - It goes, ooh, fentanyl, a pill bug. - I would have had a roly baby by now. - This is not Louis, this isn't me. - No. - I mean, taping it like it's cute, it's a cute thing. I will say, this is a womanly type of activity right now. Taking a little more. - I dare you to feel like that. - Roly Polly's our cuter type of creature. It's cuter bug. If you choose a bug, I'm grossed out by bugs. Okay. I'm very manly, bugs thing. - No, me and you didn't have good father figures for much of our youth, and we were with ladies. So I still, like if there's like a fucking, even a dead mouse, and it's like, pick it up. - Well, my mom had bugs like growing out of her body. She was a child. - No, no, she was carrying the old bug. - HIV. - She was what they call a bug chaser, and then a bug spreader. - She wanted it. - That was the life she chose. - She finally got her come up and so. - She died what she did, she died doing what she loved. Being like Ryan White. - I'm sorry, Eleanor, yes. - No, I was just gonna say, so you pick and Louis? - Jay, so Eleanor has never done the show before. So just so you know, Jay always starts from this is Louis's story, and he has to talk himself out of it. - It doesn't feel like Louis. The wording feels like Louis. It was my pet for the day, it feels like Louis, but this seems like a Jeremiah Kansas city fucking. You just got done paint and offense white. You fucking, your overalls, and you're cut off at the knees, your overalls, with your fucking cowboy boots still for some reason, even though you're wearing overall shorts. - I would say, so you guys call it pill bugs, you guys call it pill bugs and. - I think, I don't remember calling them anything. - I don't know what they are. - You guys are saying, I feel like. - Now, if you saw the bug, this came up recently in a couple of years ago. - I think the old version of a bug. - Yeah, look at this guy, looks like it's got a shell. If you saw it, so I had this argument recently, Eleanor, because we're both from Philadelphia, somebody was like, I think they called it a roly-poly also and I go, and they sent a picture and I was like, "Oh, that bug, I didn't call it anything." I just like, "Yeah, so if you saw it, you'd be like, "Oh yeah, I've seen that bug." But again, there's bigger problems, you know what I mean? Joy and Marleneau and the Philadelphia mob are out there, they're fucking, they run the streets, they're wild, they're a violent young mafia. (laughter) We had roly-poly's in Kansas. - I don't even know what it was. - Oh, this is Jeremiah. - This is 100%. - I think it is. - Jeremiah has, and I swear, an ecosystem of a belly button, and he loves pets. - True. - I don't even have a dog, I have kids, that's what I have. - I know, but you named him pet names, like scraps and fucking. - No! - How country are you? - I know your son scraps and fucking puddles. (laughter) - I know your two kids scraps and puddles. - And that's your Uncle Hot Top. (laughter) - Oh, who wants a onesie with spiky shoulders? (laughter) - Do you guys want to watch Hellraiser together? (laughter) - Uncle Jay, you guys want to watch a radar movie with Uncle Jay? (laughter) - All right, I'm getting the vote and going here. It's got Jeremiah written all over it. - I thought it had Ellen over it, but again, we just come from the same place. - Only because it's a womanly type story, I would have thought in an Eleanor, but also for the same reason, it could be Jeremiah. Jeremiah. (laughter) I think you're showing us, I think, that they are called pill bugs, wherever the fuck you grew up in the Midwest, or wherever the fuck you have seen. - This could be Lewis. - Please. - Make a mistake. - I actually agree with you on this one, Lewis, that I think it's actually Eleanor, because I think that home-ek kind of level of like, you know, take a baby with you, like, okay, baby. - Oh, you think she broke the egg that was her baby, so she kept the pill bug in her stomach? - Yeah. - Jeremiah, this is you. - I like it. - Yeah. (laughter) - Yeah. (laughter) - What the fuck? (laughter) - You have to, you guys slide over. - Why don't you load it? - Yeah, first of all, Lewis, you feel like torturing bugs is like a girl thing? - Yeah. - Really? - Well, it's a torture thing. - It's a torture thing. - Taping it inside of your belly button. - If you didn't answer it. - That's not torture, that is me, like, it's my friend. That's a one of-- - I guess naming it is, I think the whimsies, what makes me think Jeremiah, was the whimsie of naming the bug after you taped it in there, so I'm gonna go Jeremiah. - Yeah. - Who named it? Who said he named it? - Why is this a girl thing? - Oh, fuck, this might be Jeff, the whole time. - It was my pet for the day. Oh, I did, oh, okay. - No, it's not me, but it's so shit. - Oh, shit. - All of our answers are random. Who had a pill bug as a pet in time set of the bell button? - Story number one, belongs to Jeremiah. (laughing) (audience applauding) - I'm so mad, I purposely changed it to pill bug because I thought that was more of an East Coast thing. - Pill, what are you doing? - What do you call it, Rolly Pulley? - We call him Rolly Pulley. I should've stuck with Rolly Pulley. - Am I right, Illinois, that we didn't call him anything. - No idea what that is. - They were just like the great bug, it was a great bug. - It's great. - It's like great, they roll up like when you touch him. - They put into a ball, Alan or Jesus Christ, Alan or. - You call it on your phone. - Why are you keep blaming this one girl? - We're vaping, always stick things in their holes, not girls. - Wow, you've never met the girls that I know. - Yo, you put it in their hole. They don't do it, put peanut butter in there. It'll be fun, no. - One time I put a pill. - What was your pet's name? - I think it was, I don't think it was very original I was. It was like Rolly or something like that. - Rolly. - Yeah, I had to take it out there because it started to burrow because it got scared. - What? - It started to go deeper into my belly button and try to wedge itself inside my body. - What if we find out that Jeremiah is being controlled by a pill bug right now? (laughing) - Oh my God. - Do you guys have any loose lettuce leaves? (laughing) Anybody here have loose lettuce leaves? (laughing) Anyone else hunger for greens? (laughing) - Did you turn your mind just rolls up into a ball and rolls out the door? Hey, do you have a dark and wet apartment? I can sleep at? (laughing) Does anybody have any wet wood I can crawl under? You can find them under wet wood. If you pull up like a piece out like a log and find the lake. - Plai wood, rock. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that's where you find them, all right. - Oh, there wasn't a lot of woods by a sewage. Just violent ethnics in the streets. (laughing) - Thank God. - Thank God, dude, I'm not a fucking nerd like you guys. - Yeah, all right. - Keeping your pets and your belly buns. I just stay on guard, dude, for aggressive blacks. In the time of Rodney King. (laughing) Rodney King was beaten unmercifully against, it was wrong. (laughing) - Alex, where are our points at? One story down. - All right, in last place with zero points. Jeremiah Watkins. (clapping and cheering) - Jeremiah, you squandered that opportunity. - Dude, it's early. - It's early. - It's early. - Way early. - And tied for first place with two points each. Lewis J. Gomez, Big J. Okerson, Eleanor Kerrigan, and Jeff R. Kirin. (clapping and cheering) - Yeah, boy. (clapping and cheering) Yeah, boy. - Alex, story number two. - Story number two. I developed allergies that gave me hives in my 20s. It was very sudden, so I convinced myself that I had scabies. I slathered my body with lice shampoo because I couldn't afford to go to the doctor. (laughing) - This also sounds like a Philly story, Eleanor. (laughing) - Are these all Jeremiah stories? - They could be. He did grow up in a fucking. He grew up in the village. You ever see M. Night Shaman on the village? (laughing) - You know what? - Jeremiah found out in 2013 that the world is present. - Yeah. - Don't go past that wall. (laughing) Jeremiah grew up selling elixirs. (laughing) - The club's internet just went off, so give us one minute. - I was hoping. - That's okay. - No, it's cool, dude. I want to do this show. - I really had nothing to do with it. (laughing) - Oh, sure, I guess. - Roll away. - Pick it. (laughing) - Oh, I guess Cartoon Network's Joker didn't plan this. Has your computer been infected with a bug? (laughing) - Yeah. (laughing) - It's owning courage, man. (laughing) - That was good. - It was clever and now it was worth the-- - This happened to me in my late teens where I was never an allergic kid growing up and then all of a sudden, all of them. But I never thought I had skabies. - What is skabies? - I don't know. I thought it was a fake thing. I thought it was a fake thing you'd get if you fucked a whore. - Yeah, it feels old-timey and not to be, you know. - Oh, I got skabies. She was a woman about town. (laughing) - This is definitely-- - Now it's not you, Eleanor, you only give skabies. - I'm 100%. - You're a girl. - I have real sleep. - You're an old-timey whore. - I wouldn't pretend this at all. Anybody that wants is welcome to come get. - Yeah, dude. - Eleanor, Eleanor, you guys want to get double skabies? Eleanor, did you have a lot of money in your 20s? - 100%. - You had money in your 20s. - Yeah, dude, she was an ECW wrestler, of course. - That's wow, women of wrestling for you. - You were on wow, I'm very apologize. - Yeah. I mean, everyone's kind of broken their 20s though. -Yeah, you're supposed to be. -What's that part of it? -You went to the store. Somebody went to the store to get light shampoo, or is this somebody who had kids at the time? -Well, you got a lot of repuddles. -Yeah. Jeff, every answer now is a question about the story. -I like it. -I want to add a little bit to it. Like, you know, I want to investigate. Like, for example, why would you have light shampoo in your 20s unless you were like a parent? Or are you guys either parents in your 20s? -Thank you. -Thank you, sir. -Me? -I paid him to say that every time he suspects somebody. -Yeah. -It's $400 for the day. Thank you, sir. Anytime. Please call it out. We love that. We love when you call things out during our life taping. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, I -- -Jay. -I'm going with Jeff. -I think Jeff, for some reason. I think it was just because of that speech. -That's a good idea. -But who goes -- Oh, this must be Skibis. What the fuck is Skibis? -Jeff, you're Italian from Long Island? -Yeah. -Oh, yeah. -What the fuck? Isn't that, like, a pirate thing? -Jay, since the time Jeff was a child, he was pretty -- he thought he was destined to get Skibis from some Long Island Skabis. You meet him out there on the fucking nautical mile. -That's right. -Drinking, eating crabs, fucking chucking oysters. Before you know it, you got Skabis. -It's simply the only thing that he said. -I'm so trashy. -He said -- -He's a deliast catch slut. -It's not me, though. -It's because he said what Skabis -- -I genuinely don't know what Skabis is. -Everyone knows what Skabis is. -I have no idea what Skabis are. Everyone knows what Skabis is. -No idea. -What are they? -They're bad. -Oh, fuck. Maybe it's Lewis. -Lewis knows what Skabis are. He probably is itching right now. [ Laughter ] -You had Skabis before? -What? -How do you get it? -You had Skabis? You fucking pig, ew. -What are they, ew? What's it from? -Hew! -Getting gang bang and tea on water. -Who ever family who loves you? -Don't touch me. -Thanks, Skabis. Coming up later this year, they gotta look you in the face. -You pig. -What did you do? Your father made you perfect. You didn't have to do that. [ Laughter ] -You just broke his heart. He thought you weren't into it. Turns out you're a fucking cum slut. [ Laughter ] -Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Well, that's not how you get Skabis. -You don't get -- Oh! Apologies. Maybe he was from working in a ranch or something, yeah? -That's crazy. -Okay, my apology, sorry. She's sweet. I don't think she's ever been gang bang now. Are women more susceptible to Skabis than men? -Here's why I think it could be -- -Because they're stupid pussy? -Here's why I think it could be Eleanor, actually. -Because we have bigger holes? -No, because it's so rare that men ever get lice in general. -You like shampoos? -Yeah. Women are highly more susceptible to getting lice than men. -No, shit. Why? 'Cause I shaved my dick hair. -Longer hair. -Not true? -You guys have more hair. Just -- Maybe you should -- Maybe you should teach -- -Why? -Mess, maybe you should teach yourself to shut the fuck up. -Oh! -We're filming a comedy show right now. -Don't you want me to just sit on her? -This woman is going to eventually lead this guy for a 13-year-old Mexican with a mustache. [ Laughter ] -He's so smart, dude. He knows this whole alphabet. -Now, he's also a father of three. -Now, keep your mouth shut, or Big J's going to call you a cum slut. [ Laughter ] -What do you think you're doing on this hypothetical? -Uh, I think it could be Eleanor. -I'm -- I'm agreeing with you. I think it's Eleanor. I think, like, I don't know. Maybe lice, scabie. I guess they're more calm. I don't know. I have no clue. I'm gonna go Eleanor. -I'm going Jeff now. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I was waiting to see how you would react to my choice -- -Hi! -To Eleanor. -This is fun. -It's so you, dude. -I can't wait for this reveal. -You know what, Jeremiah? Good point. -Do you vote for yourself? -That's a really good point, you just made. -Like this. -About somebody else. -I'm sorry. [ Laughter ] -It's fucking up, but that's okay. Who are you voting for, Jeff? -Uh, Eleanor. -Sorry. -Guys, Sarah Fina came here right from the freshman dance. -Yeah, sir. -Damn. Thank you. -But, Jesus, before she left -- Before she left, her father said, "That's a little bit much, but -- [ Laughter ] -You do have an Asian boyfriend. -You said -- [ Laughter ] -Oh! -Your answers are in. -Sorry, number two. Belongs to Louis J. -Oh! -Shit, dude. -You're an Indian. You're an Indian. You're an Indian. I saw your talent. Dang it. -I literally have allergies. So, I had a thing -- It's called a -- [ Laughter ] -All these skabies is on that side. -No, I saw -- I saw it. I never had allergies at all until I was -- -You still don't, dude. You have skabies. -So, I was an active skabies. So, I was in my early -- I was in my early 20s. I developed allergies. And the allergy that I developed on my skin was like -- I forget what it was like, dermatitis, something. So, if I scratch -- Like, my skin would, like, raise. I would get, like, lines, and, like, if I would scratch myself. And it doesn't do it as much anymore. But for a few years, it was like this. And I was going to go to a doctor. So, I went online. I was like, "What is going on?" And they were like, "Dude, skabies, raise skin. If it's in this pattern, I was like, fuck, dude." So, then I started looking up what to do. And I got on some, like, some, like, fucking website. They were like, "You can use Lice Shampoo and use it on your body." And I had Lice Shampoo and I used to have a -- -Lewis, you're supposed to tell a story before you sleep with somebody. Why are you telling me this now? Now, I have to get tested? Great. [ Laughter ] You told me you just had a kudis test five days before. Yes, skabies are legitimately kudis. That's what I mean, kudis. Yeah, dude. I had to go circle, circle, dot, dot, get myself a kudis shot. And, uh, no, but I -- I would slather myself with Lice Shampoo. It did nothing because I didn't have skabies and allergies. -You definitely didn't get fucking a chest hair lice, though. -No, yeah. I -- Well, I'll tell you this much. All the lice that I had died, that was the upside. -For sure, your dick lice finally died. -But, yeah, I remember, I would hide the Lice Shampoo because I didn't want anyone to know that I had body skabies. -I think your sister had pussy lice, for sure. -Mmm. -I had a -- I had a safe in my bedroom and I would keep it in my safe. And there was no money. It was just -- -You should have fucking safe. -It was just Lice Shampoo. A safe for Lice Shampoo. -Wow, dude. What a fucking Puerto Rican safe that was. [ Laughter ] That was the most Puerto Rican safe ever. Besides that, it should have had somba dance steps. One, two, dot, dot, dot, three, dot, dot, dot, four. -Oh, that was a big round. Alex Swerp went to that. -Fuck you, Lewis. -That hurt, that hurt. -Dude, you're a cheater. -I hate this game. -Everyone does after they come and see Lewis cheat with Alex because something he has something on her. -What? -All right. -My picture is that you have a video of Alex having sex with Mike, which is so gross. So she doesn't want that out in the world. -So she made everyone vote for not me? -Yes. [ Laughter ] Alex, where are our points at? [ Laughter ] And, yes. [ Laughter ] -In last place with zero points, Jeremiah Watkins. [ Cheers and applause ] -Can you please. [ Cheers and applause ] Alex, there's gonna be a comeback! -Alex, can you just fucking change your tone for our guests, please? [ Laughter ] -Tied for second place with two points. Each, Big J. Ogerson, Elinor Carrigan, and Jeff Archerin. [ Cheers and applause ] -It's fake -- it's fake niceness. -And in first place with six points -- -Cheater, Lewis, J. Gomez. -Oh, featuring Alex Scarlotto. [ Laughter ] -I don't know how she cheats food. She finds a way. [ Laughter ] -Okay, Story Warriors. Football is finally back. You know I'm excited. Prize picks is bringing the best offer yet. New users who sign up will get $150 in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. And Prize picks is now available nationwide. What are you waiting for? Lock in and kick off because everyone and everything is on Prize picks. -It's a very, very simple app, and it's so fun to use. You simply pick two to six players across any sport, and you're going against their projected stats. That's it. You're just going more or less than their projected stats. It's that easy to click of a button. And they have crazy, crazy deals to start the football season, giving users a new promo every day during Stack September. You sign up for guaranteed picks every Monday with Profit Boost and Daily Discounts throughout the month. Make all the picks you want across any sport on the same app. Download the Prize picks app today and use the Code Wars with a Z, W-A-R-Z. And you'll get W-A-R-Z. And you're going to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. That's Code Wars with a Z to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. That's Prize picks. Run your game. -Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Ridge Wallet for supporting the show. And I love their Wallet. I love their luggage. I love everything Ridge has, but I got to talk about the brand new Ridge Power Bank, the best power bank in the business. It's a five-in-one power bank that lets you charge anything at any time, MagSafe wireless charging, lightning and USB-C cables. Ridge has you covered and it holds up to three phone charges and powers your devices super fast. So I literally, when me and my son are hanging out, I do both. I'll charge his phone. I charge my phone at the same time. And I still got enough for one more charge. If you meet some random person that needs a phone charge, you're there to support and help. -Yes, it's very simple. [BLANK_AUDIO] available right now on all of green base camp orange and Matt Black, the Ridge power bank comes with free shipping a 99 day risk free trial. It's the last power bank you're ever going to need. They've done everything they've done right, Ridge. I trust them. You should too. One thing, the pack five ways to power and you can find Ridge's power bank at Best Buy or as a story warrior, you can get 10% off at Ridge.com by using the code wars to check out W a R Z. You know we're cool. A checkout that's Ridge.com code wars and you're all set to go for that 10% off. All right. Let's get back into the show. Alex, story number three. Story number three. I've bugged every celebrity that ever liked me and gave me their contact info until they eventually stopped or never answered me at all. My first thought was that you put a tracking device or listening device on every celebrity. That's what I got to. That's the first thing I thought of. You actually bug them. Yeah. I like that you said you wanted to you. Yeah. Joe. This is big J. Yeah. This is J. That sucks to hear all audience being like you would you. So here's what I'm saying about big J. Big J does like this. If a celebrity likes J. This is the truth. No celebrities ever like this. Let me say this. No. That's not true. Like if a celebrity likes J. Like J will like grab. He'll be like, Oh, I like them back like J's like a big fan of John Popper from Blue Shreveller. Yeah. He's a great guy. He's a very fun guy. Yeah. But he would answer me whenever I make the point. You're being defensive, which is making me think as I didn't think it was you until you started getting defensive. You started this whole thing by saying this is why it's J. No, I didn't. Play it back because that's not what the point of making. I'm saying that one of the traits about you is that you do like celebrities that like you. However, if somebody was not getting back to you even one time, you would shut it down completely and not reach back out. I feel humiliated. Yeah. I just yeah. I've never if I've ever if I've ever went and touched a girl's tit in my life when she goes slow down. I go, I'm leaving. I've made you upset. You hate my guts. I don't know why I thought you wanted me to touch your titty and I'm leaving forever. And I'm the piece of shit. When you tell the story, I will just plead guilty to rape. Yes. I would afterwards I would go home and I'd be like, she's going to say that I raped her. I have to now kill her. So that's the problem is you're going down a whole spiral. But that first five minutes is why we're friends. First five minutes we are we are simpatico. I mean, I just I once again, I know that Jay, yeah, this seems like a J store. I just don't see you. Well, you're not going to find a bunch of fucking things for me eventually stopped or never instrument always just not a thing. I mean, based on the Kevin Hart rose. Oh, I talked about Kevin Hart. I kind of leaning toward you with like then probably having the most opportunity. I don't know. I think that this does sound heavily like me because very much Kevin Hart is a spotty replies. But I knew him before celebrity also too. He was like a friend from like before now. Right. When he became famous, he treated me like he was a celebrity. I also feel like Jeremiah and Eleanor are from LA. So they got used to that culture quicker to not do that. Oh, see, I was going to think Jeremiah Jeremiah has been in a lot of situations where he's been a lot of famous people. I thought maybe right, but he's got to learn to be chill about it, as opposed to like New York comics and stuff. You guys have a lot to say about it. I don't know. The three of you are very suspect. You're lying and I are together on this one. Yeah, you are. The fuck's going on. We know a lot of salad. Eleanor, that behavior was so weird. And it just made me immediately think that you toured with dice everywhere. So you have to be cool. I sleep with a lot of celebrity. You've had to be cool. You've had to be cool with sliced alone and young share and fucking Bill Clinton. Young, young. I would Gallagher one. Fucking Democrat Rob Schneider. Jeremiah lives in LA. I do live in LA. You've been involved with a lot of big productions for a long time. You've been at the business for a long time. Yeah. And you're annoying. So I'm looking at all of this. I don't agree with that. Hold on. I didn't know a few celebrities that got annoyed by Jared. Oh, actually, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to know each other. Don't name. Don't name drop it. I'm going to name drop it. Can't name drop it. There's a couple. There's a couple. Just hit me. I completely forgot. Yeah, because you were you were in the parking lot on one of the nights where it happened. At the comedy store. Wow. Oh, oh, shit. Now only what happened in this parking lot. He was like, you're using too much teeth, Jeremiah. This is annoying me. I have told you about this. Jeremiah, you're so annoying. What an annoying amount of teeth you're using. God, you have an annoyingly shallow mouth. I have so much more cock. And my name is fucking. I don't pull out. I roll out. I'm thinking this is an LA Jeremiah story. Him being a young buck annoying some fucking. Yeah, Eleanor. Eleanor steered me. I had Eleanor first. Oh, I don't know. Eleanor could be playing. Eleanor did a weird like it's probably all of you thing. She like sat back and went probably. There was no one was looking at her when she did that, right? Yeah, she was like she goes all these guys are LA guys. I'm not but you're LA and working with dice all over the country. He's got hilarious. We call it LA. Yeah, we've had a dice has this hilarious amount of like you have to meet like so many people that aren't that cool anymore. It's like, oh yeah. Tonight, we're having dinner with Ted Danson. Oh, say hello to Jose. Can say go. I would never let a rash. You're going to be rude to Elvira mistress of the dark. Now you're getting it Lewis. Oh, I know her. Have some respects. That's a sit. Oh, you don't want to fucking say hello to a young Pamela Anderson. What do you mean you don't care? It's fucking Charles and charge himself. It's got fucking bail. You don't you want to go to sleep? You think about you. I still think it's Jeremiah though. But Dan, did I have a good time with that? You have to slide it over Jeff. I'm going to go. I'm going to go big J on this. Wow. Go big J. Sorry. I think I just have a feeling. I'm going Lewis. Really. I can see your fandom for something. Now I think it's Elvira because that's crazy that she'd say me. I'm going to switch it up. I said Jeff. Yeah, I know. Isn't I, Pat? I think you're too nice for this to actually happen, but I don't know. I'm just going to probably bother anybody. All of our answers are in Alex. Everyone's all over the place. No. Eleanor, calm down. Carl Malone is in the car before the charges. You're a little old for his taste, but suck his cockle. Thank you. He's the mount man for Christ's sake. Alex, who's story story number three? Story number three belongs to Big J. Oh, look who's on the board now. This is, let me say this. Every celebrity. Oh, yeah. 100% of them. I'm going to hear Jonathan Davis stop answering your texts. He's still answers, but it's like in such like a, I'll be like, dude, just bought my dog stuff from your dog. Freak on a leash line. I can't wait to get this stuff. He goes, cool. I hear him saying it when he's anybody's back. That's awesome. He doesn't want to talk. He's like, new phone. Who is this? New phone. Who is this? I'm sorry. I'm not here. I just had a thing. I know, you know, let's, you know, listen to bonfire, even though you're completely free and clear. It's, listen, five to seven p.m. weekdays Eastern time. That's true. On faction talk series XM 103. That's, that's the time when my ears are most open too. Very recently, even Gerry O'Connell says something about me on Sam Robert show. And so I followed him and he wrote me and then I wrote him back to really long messages of adoration and he, and he never wrote back. In fact, and also I did it to OP from Suns of Anarchy who wrote to me first. Said he thought my comedy was savage and I was the voice of comedy, and then I told him how much I loved him, and he never wrote me back again. Celebrity, Opie from Sons of Anarchy, name is Ryan Hurst, he was bait on walking dead. He's going to be cradles. Crazy use of the word celebrity. Yeah, you should have said obscure. Yeah. People that have been on television. I read this. I read this on Bonfire recently, but I want to explain what I'm talking about here. Damn it. Andrew Dice Clay. This is what I do. He says you don't write him back. He's never written me that. I'm running back. Here's the first thing I wrote to him in 2013. Stoned in my home. Out of the gates, we should be working together. Ask Jim Norton, Arty Lang, Elinor Carrigan, David Tell about me, "Dice man cometh changed comedy for me." That's why I want to shoot my Comedy Central hour at the TLA, the same theater you used. We met briefly in New York City once at a comedy club, and I wish this message didn't sound like so much like a really shitty, young new comic, because I'm not. Just a long time fan and a fellow comic. It was so cringe and bad that whoever runs his social media messaged me the next day and said, "Unfortunately, Andrew doesn't read these, but I feel terrible because that feel like your heart and soul was poured into that." What if it was him that typed it out? No shit. I did that. Did I? I did that. I did that. Did I do that? I literally wrote, that it was you, you wrote, I'm sorry I didn't see this, but if you want to reach him, like he does, look at more of this thing and I went, "I'm so happy he didn't see that." That was crazy what I wrote. Ask everyone about me. I'm good. You probably think I'm bad but I'm not bad. What a jag-off. By the way, Lewis defending you made me change Lewis. I immediately thought of you. He's the ultimate patty. Damn it. Lewis. No, I read it wrong. I call him Lee Harvey Gomez. I read it as him annoying celebrities until they blocked him. I realized that that's not what the way it was written. God. Maybe one of them, I have at some point, they've been like, "Okay, they've never texted that to me, but some version of an unverbal, okay. That'll be enough now. We're not that close." Alex, where are squeeze? Where are squeeze? Where are squeeze? Where are squeeze? Where are squeeze at after three stories? All right. All right. In the last place with zero points, Jeremiah walking. Good luck. Don't I get points because I got you to guess me? Nope. Always early. She's been voting for me the whole time. That's what I thought you were on the board? Yeah. I thought because I fooled them. Alex. In fourth place with two points, Eleanor Kerrigan, and third place with four points, Jeff Kerrigan, three points. In second place with five points, Big J.O. Kerrigan. And in first place with six points, Lewis J. Gomez. Dude, I am so close to catching up to you. I am like a you're completely hardest erect penis worth of close to you. This is very exciting, everybody. We are so close, I can smell empire of hands, the hidden worlds of extraordinary lives, the first Chinese conquerors, which changes everything you think you know about, oh, wait, 66 million years ago, a meteor struck the earth. We all know that, leading to mass extinction, sure. Instantly ending 75% of life on this planet. Empire of hands teaches us how ants not only survived, but thrived during the age of mammals, becoming one of the most resourceful and respected species on the entire earth. I am one point away from taking this bitch home, Alex story number four. Story number four, multiple of my family's computers were taken out from viruses from downloading porn on them. Everybody? No. Not Lewis. What do you mean? Not me. I mean, this is also me, I will say that, but it's not me, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure, but I've destroyed a few bells. I don't want to take Lewis's family didn't have the means to keep getting computers because he was fucking whacking off so much. I mean, his mom was a prostitute, but like not high paid. We're not an Eleanor off this right away, right? No, no, no, no, no, she's a complete fucking, she's a flicker, dude, she goes nuts with it. Yeah, but I don't need computers. I just got the crazy's running around South Philly that I can just get the right, she does do go birds, dude, you can flick bean, you can just watch YouTube, but you can watch YouTube video of the 2017 18 foot off the Eagles and probably finish it. They were underdogs. Jeremiah was a backup quarterback against Tom Brady on that fateful day in 2017. This is what Jay jerks off, too, obviously, yeah, I do. I have finished out on Iverson more than once, that a Robert Frost poem. Jeremiah, Jeremiah, you didn't watch a lot of porn growing up. No, no. Did you have siblings? Uh, an older brother and a younger sister. Did they molest you? No. Okay. So it's not you, then. Okay. Imagine. I would rather you call me a cum slut, Jay. Oh, I don't think you hear those things. I just got to ask you to stay. All right. Now, you're not going to be seeing my boy's sandpaper and snaggers, too, again. It's Jeffrey Curry's Italian father coming home and being like, I can't watch my stories on the internet because this little fucking story I swear to God on my, especially I talk about a bit. I said to leave my dad's porn for him so we could keep it going. And so I did do that. I even talked about it. That's why I'm back. I'm off with this. I believe you what I want to believe you. I think this is one of you, too, over there, because I feel like for a couple of reasons. Number one, I feel like you guys you jerk off, uh, no, I'm pretty good at it, too. I found a way where I found, I found that if you grab it super low at the base, it looks like you're dick's bigger than it is because you're pushing your gun back into your body and then it's, it's, it's a little bit of a trick. Yeah, I think you, I think you jerked off before the show because there's no fingerless gloves tonight. Yeah. And also I'd like my computer back, please. Go on YouTube and watch when I fool Penn and Teller with my masturbation skills. Did I get into soy five inches, I go, it's seven if you push back my body. Did you have siblings, Jay, growing up? Very young. I was, took care of them always. Um, what? I'll tell you, it's a, what are the, what are the siblings have to do with this? Yeah, what? Yeah. Multiple family members, computers. No, no, no. When I was, I was 17, I was 17 in like 1995 and I remember that's when we first got a computer dial up internet and like, there wasn't viruses. It was all so new. So when I moved, by the time I moved out, it wasn't like that wasn't a thing that I had to worry about. Now I did lose, I did lose computers to viruses from pornography in my own living away from my family's life. But I'm 48, so internet came around like 17, I was just, yeah, it wasn't like a thing that was, it was regular. Yeah. We got internet. We got dial up when I was in the ninth grade. And I did destroy that computer with pornography this, but not multiple. No, we had one more computer that I, maybe I didn't destroy, but it was on its way out by the time I left net zero or AOL, uh, it was AOL internet. Oh, yeah. Well, this is an AOL or 20 or 45 hour disk. I think this is Jeffrey Curry. This is like, uh, Jeffrey Owen growing up in a little while, how old are you, Jeff? How did you think it's Eleanor? Jeff, Jeff, how old are you? Uh, 38. 38 years old. Yeah, you're a little bit younger than us. Yeah. This is you. Internet point at that point was a regular thing. Yeah, I admit, this happened to me 100%, but it's not my story. Who was this play this game on me two many times, where he looks to me in the face and he goes, I've done this, but it's not me. And then I go, I trust you because you're my friend. I like. Checking that on to me. Yes. All right. That's fair. I like it. You know what? Yeah. You know what? Is my answer as well? That's why I'm going to Lewis this time because you could be Lewis. That's not a bad guy. And it was you the whole time. Not a bad guest. Lewis is a deplorable piece of shit. I mean, he's not me. I'm telling you, you're wasting your vote and I'm not doing that to be a dick. You guys are going to know. I like it. You think I have both. I think you're doing to make sure Jeremiah and Eleanor don't throw you. I think it's, I think it's you their Lewis family. I think I'm going to go big J. I think it's a great J really. Yeah. I do. He does have curved balls. Yeah. That doesn't matter though. My penis is the thing. It is weird when I'm fucking you from behind you're like what is tapping me on my outer thigh? I don't want to follow you Jeremiah because you have zero, so I'm at a loss. I'm keeping Jeff It's not well all the answers are in Thanks to this game Alex who story is story number four it's me story number four belongs to Jeremiah watch Jeremiah I've never been so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. Oh a sweeping perfect round. Holy shit Jeremiah's had two stories the first one he's fooled nobody the second when he fooled everybody Jeremiah tell us more about this crippling porn addiction that you had So To this day, I don't know if it was because they both haven't admitted it But it's either my brother or my dad was downloading a ton of porn on our family computers and then not knowing how to fully delete it so I remember being a teenager and I opened up a random file those like in a weird place I was like, oh, how did this get here? What is this? It was just this tan jack dude with a six pack getting blown by girl looking straight into the camera going Like bleach frost tips. I'm like, what is this and then a Randy West I also like that I like that the most description was for the guy Yeah, he were like stand six four Jeff The girl was there the girl was there It was the camera angles literally just like Did she have frosted tips or just no, no, I don't remember the girl at all It was so shocking to see a dude in a lawn chair just fully erect and then just a head bobbing up and down on it that does Yeah, he frosted her tips. I'm sure I didn't watch the whole video. I was terrified. I just put people listening We don't have the video here. I winked after I said it So Wait, I'm sorry you so we had like a family computer that was first in our basement that one got knocked out We had to keep taking it into like best-by geeks squad and and like they would be like I don't know what's going on with it and they knew exactly what was going on with it and then we got one There was like in our our like family like office Later on in childhood that that one got taken out too got slowed down so much with viruses that we had to get A new one and like my dad and brother convinced my mom they're like yeah, you need to get new computers like every like Couple of years my mother also got slowed down with viruses Cancer and AIDS yeah Heck yeah She had AIDS and then our AIDS got cancer Baby James your grandma didn't have AIDS She didn't have cancer she didn't but hey if cancer didn't take her out James and look at me. She would have got AIDS I Think that I'm happy your uncle Jayga tell you that Alex where are points at four stories down wow In last place with two points Eleanor Carrigan tied for third place with four points each Jeremiah Watkins and Jeff are curious In second place with five points big Jay Ogerson And in first place with six points hold it on to it Lewis Jay Gomez Thank you Roots We are at the halfway point of the game We're going to go do some quick plugs around the table while Jay eats popcorn and Jenkins is popcorn at the halfway point of every show now Jeff what do you plug it? I got a refuel Netflix bus just came out and then bus tour next year 2027 sunsale All right You're gonna do it tour bus tour. Yeah, first one Exciting it's wait my wife was like I want to come with you and I'm like you don't want to do that dude You don't want to do that cuz then I couldn't yeah, what did she do? What is she gonna do when you're getting your dick sucked by some chick on your tour bus? No, it's right pretty good. You're in a dream of getting a tour bus one day to have your wife suck your dick on it Dude, I'm doing it The opposite of a rock man doing like gaming systems in it and shit like that with all boys Yeah, so you can play video games on her head while she's sucking her Are there going to be any tan dudes with six packs on it? Eleanor, what are you talking? It's Jeremiah's way of asking the open for you Sorry, all right dying. Uh nowhere. I'm doing nothing. I'm in last place I'm at the I can't think of dates right now because I'm so mad at myself for Being this bad at this game So yeah, just my website Eleanor J Carrigan there's Dates on there. I'll be in Bakersfield next week because of this show Oh That's where corn's from the well. I'll be in the well Tips maybe that young boy there. Hello. How are you Jeremiah? I'm nervous corn corn from Bakersfield. I have I annoyed those guys up at I bet you have Jeremiah, I'm gonna call them and find out what happened I have a new special coming out on September 10th called crazy pizza on my youtube channel subscribe now youtube.com slash share on my walkings for notifications and I have a show called standup on the spot And trailer tails big J has been on standup on the spot many times Jeff are carried did it Eleanor it's been too long so I've had you on and then Lewis you have an open invite to do the show whenever Lewis hates being on the spot. I do not I hate standing up. I hate being put on the spot It's too much to forget two things too much No, yes, of course. I love it set up on the spot one of the most Innovative shows we do it at skankfest every year German. Yep, man. I do Big J what do you plug in my friend big jacommy.com for all my dates check me out on the greatest yapper alive toward of course Let's do the bonfire five days a week faction talk series six and 103 with me in the great Robert Kelly And of course the flagship show over here at guest digital Legion of mother fucking skanks And then Watch the watch the roast the Kevin Hart is still out. So you're watching Come see me live on the road guys Lewis skanks.com check out all the other pods that I do and if you love the show my popcorn go to guest digital If you love the show go to guest digital.com and subscribe We do an uncensored and ad free version of the show that premieres every Monday night before close to youtube or anywhere else So you guys can get the pre-release in the episodes. We leave you all the inwards Plus there's uh You're not a man. There's an on demand library that has like 80 episodes that are not available anywhere else anymore So go to guest digital.com download the app and support story worse. Oh, yeah, use the use the promo code wars You save a couple bucks a month Everybody brain. Thank you. Sorry. Thank you And buy my book knives and spoons go buy that Second half is here. Uh, it's just great. Now Eleanor you probably feel like a stupid washed up piece of shit I felt that way coming in. I thought I was gonna better going out But I'm telling you life can turn around in instant Because this game is actually much tighter than you think because for the final four stories the second half of the show we go double points As a fan it was great to see live guys. Oh Well, you know, Jeff, but Eleanor and Jeremiah you guys might not know. Well, you've been here before Jeremiah But I don't know you might not know that it's a very simple concept obviously before if you fooled somebody you got One point if you guessed correctly you got two points that actually pumps up now to double points So don't lose hope Eleanor. You're still here anyone's game. It's genuine. I'm so I'm only have six points. We're very early You suck. I think dude James is your son's watching you eat shit. I'm in the first place But everyone's catching up to you suck shit since that first round when you lied to everybody Alex story number five - Story number five. When I was six, I was on a canoe that was steered under a spider-infested bridge. I was instantly covered in spiders. I had night terrors about them for 10 years. - Is this a brother's grim tail? (laughing) The fuck is this? (laughing) What's the moral? - Okay. (laughing) Is this a little Miss Muffet? Who is this? - All right, who the fuck's on a canoe? - Who has canoe money on his own? I know it's not Eleanor, she doesn't have canoe money. - canoe, but yeah. - I gotta be honest, I can't think of a place for me in Eleanor canoeing. Sometimes before a canoe, maybe, but before a canoe, you had an uncle who had a fucking little tiny motorboat. (laughing) - Oh, there it is, it's like something else. (laughing) - You had an uncle that loved when you sat on his lap. (laughing) - I instantly covered in spiders, night-tares about them for 10 years. I mean, look, Jeremiah, you grew up, you kind of a third-story already. This would be crazy, but you could, we've had this happen. - They're randomized, right? - They're all randomized. - He submitted 11 stories. - You only submitted five. (laughing) - He's a roly-poly. He's got a lot of bug stories. - Yeah, well, I mean, the table said to be fair of the topic is bugs. - When was the last time you were wrong? - Why does everyone have somebody bug-sourced? - Too many, he submitted a lot. - When was the last time you were on a canoe? - A canoe. - Cano, canoe, canoe. (laughing) - Oh, it's sad. - He's like, it's sad. - Oh, we're just going over the world. - Oh, canoe. - Oh, canoe. (laughing) - When I was on a canoe. - See, I didn't think that the first story was yours because the word "slathered" was used, and I never thought that you even knew what that was. - Slathered. - He just learned that the other day he's been dying to you. (laughing) Well, we did use it the other day on Skanks. We're going to slather somebody's balls with icy hot. - Okay. - Okay. - I watched him Google it on the show. (laughing) - I just Googled slathered balls. (laughing) - He got it, he got it. - We got there eventually. So, yeah, here's the thing. I grew up in Rockland County, New York, like an hour north of here. We had canoes, we had boats, we had lakes, and fun, and stuff like that. None of that happened to me. I'm out of pussy, I would never have night terrors. (laughing) If spiders landed on me, I would fucking be like, "Cool, I'm like a super, I'm like Spider-Man." And I'd be a badass. - If spiders landed on you, you'd be like, - Lewis, Lewis, (laughing) - Lewis, I don't even think this is you, but that was such a terrible fucking hole. - I don't think it's you, but that was great. He goes, "No spiders, Owen." (laughing) But there was canoes, and then spiders, maybe, but night terrors. Now, Kurt Metzger has night terrors. It's been a point of contention. Somebody talked about it a lot in our friendships. - We would have mentioned one of us having night terrors. - We would have mentioned if any of us had night terrors ever. So, I don't think it's me or Lewis. - Is that what night terrors is waking up, right? Is that what that is? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Wake up screaming and freaking out. It seems like something that Eleanor Kerrigan. - Yeah, that's what I think. - That's what I think. - I think Eleanor's afraid of life. (laughing) - I'm afraid of this game, that's for sure. - She's afraid of it. - This is Jeff, this is Jeff or Eleanor. - I mean, wake up when night terrors are spiders landing you. That's a woman thing. - For sure, but canoe is not a woman thing. - No, women canoe, it's pretty long island. You can go canoeing long island. It's a lot of places canoeing long island. - I never canoeed in Long Island, really. - Oh, well, that's Eleanor. (laughing) Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. - Is that locked in? - No, don't put Jeff, 'cause he said he never could. - No, no, I'm not, no, no, I believe this is Eleanor. - I mean, is that like-- - Don't waste your vote. - You guys can, you guys can take the things out of the slots. - I gotta go. - Eleanor, I think on this. It's out, I mean-- - Jeremiah, didn't you hear? - Jeremiah hasn't said a word. He's having a night terror right now. - I already locked it in. - Jeremiah submitted 16 stories. - Yes. - I mean, I didn't even fucking consider you. - Did you have-- - Why not? - Did you like reverse the shit where you grew up? - Of course, dude, losing Clark. - Yeah, I mean, there's lakes and there's, we got creeks and-- - Oh, y'all. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Do you guys have like best spots and stuff, too? - Yeah, we do have best spots. That's where we would take the-- - Real, fuck, the porn computer specs. - That's the best spot. - Yeah. - Kansas City has real fucking engines, dude. I'm going to Eleanor Carrigan. She hasn't had a story yet. This seems like what a woman would freak out about spiders falling on her. - You've never stopped thinking about it. - We'd all freak out a little bit about it, but not enough that it's going to keep us up at night for a decade. That's insane. - Yeah, women are just so stupid. - A man would just think he was a fucking superhero. - My night terrors her about what my mom's boyfriend did to me. Not about stupid spiders. - Yeah, who gives a shit about spiders? Have you seen an elderly cock? - I don't even know what to say. - James, don't answer that. - That's a point. - James never answered that if you want to go to college. - I. - Eleanor votes for Jeff. Why Jeff? - I don't know. I don't trust him. - What the fuck? - I know, right? He looks like a real, you know, I have a son of a bitch. - A person that could have night terrors. So does Jeremiah, though? So I am torn between two. It took me a minute. - It's not the first time. - I usually date men, though. - Oh. - I'm sorry. - I'm gonna go with. Man, this is so tough. It's Jeff or Eleanor, for sure. I really don't think it's big J or Lewis. - Thank you. - Spiders power us, we're goth. - See? See? - Mentally honest. - You can listen to the cure with a spiderwean. - Just on statistics. I'm gonna try it as. - All right, here we go. - Who's story with story number five? - Who's that? - Story number five. Belongs to. Jeff R. Kirish. - Yes. - Yes! - Yes! (laughing and clapping) - Damn it. I mean, yeah. First of all, boys can have night terrors, too. Dude, the whole time, I was like, don't stand up for yourself. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. - You guys are like only little bitches have night terrors. (laughing) - I swear to God, the only people I've ever known who have night terrors is dudes. - Really? - Yeah, it was with me and my dad. My dad was like fucking with me. He knew I was scared of shit, so I wouldn't see him a lot. So whenever we're like hanging out, he like makes me. - He points a gun at you, he was like. (laughing) - Unless you even fuck a face and they kill your mother. I'm just fucking with you, you go to bed. - It was a lot of that. It was a lot of like, we have a van. He'd be like, take the seat belt off and stand up and then he'd turn the van around. He'd be like, fly around the van. - You're the man of the house now. I'm just fucking with you, go to bed. (laughing) - He was fucking asleep, go to sleep. Do you dreamin'? You're dreaming. (laughing) - You're insane, man. - You're old man, gone. (laughing) - He was fucking around. - Yeah, he took me canoeing, 'cause my mom told me to. And we went canoeing and then he found this bridge and I was like scared 'cause I was like, I see spiders. And then he went under the, just the front of the boat, under the bridge and I just got instantly, like it was just like 15 spiders cover on me. To where he even was like, oh shit, like packed up. And then I was like throwing it off of him and I should throw you in the water. - Get out of here. - It would have been smart, but yeah, he just, I've never seen him laugh so hard in his life. - Nice. - Spiders were crawling into like every orifice. It was awful and then for like 10 years, I had night terrors where I'd wake up to my whole bedroom was covered in spiders. Like I'd wake up and see spiders and my parents would have to come in and pretend to spray for the spiders. For like 10 years, and my dad was like, don't tell mom about the boat thing. So I just like lived like this where I was like, it's tabling. - He doesn't want you to know that he told you that fucking crazy thing about spiders just so he could laugh about something instead of ignoring the fact that your mother's gained some weight. (laughing) - I never even considered that dude. (laughing) But yeah, I didn't even know about the canoe trip. - No. - So she thought you were just a faggot? (laughing) - Yeah. - She's coming. - Spider. - She'd say it. - Spider's mom. - Spider's everywhere. - No, no, dad didn't definitely molest me in a cave. (laughing) I will say, I do remember like being, I think like 13 or 14 and getting scared. And then my mom was like, I'll spray it. I'm like, nah, I'm jerking off now. Like I'm fine. I'm old enough now. - I got some spray. (laughing) - That's what I said to my mom, dude. Until you come, until you finish a spider can crawl across your face like cable guy. You'd be like, I'm not that finished yet. (laughing) Great story. Alex, story number six. - Points. - Points. - Where are our points, Alex? I think you're doing great besides that. - You wanted to skip it 'cause I got points. - All right. (laughing) - In last place with five points. Big J. Ogerson. (cheering and clapping) - How did that happen? I don't even care. - Tied for third place with six points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Eleanor Kerrigan. (cheering and clapping) And Tied for first place with eight points each. Jeremiah Watkins at J.A.M. And the second half, double points makes it anybody's game. Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show Body Brain Coffee. Obviously my company that I started a little over a year ago. And it is taking the mushroom coffee world by storm. Most mushroom coffee tastes like shit, okay. They taste like a bunch of sludge in a cup. And that's not what you want. We use real premium freeze-dried Colombian coffee that is blended with powerful neutropics and adaptogens. Toncatale, Lyonsmaine, Ashpaganda, and El Thienin, or the other ingredient, it's just five simple ingredients. It tastes great. You could drink it hot. You could drink it cold. You could put it in a protein shake, which is the way that I typically drink it. But yeah, start your morning off with one powerful cup of coffee. And now we also have the Body Brain Creamer, which is a completely different stack of neutropics and adaptogens as well. So give them both a try. Just go over to BodyBrainCoffee.com. We're going to give you a pretty incredible discount, right? Go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use the promo code War20. You're going to save 20% off your order today. Try it out. Give it a shot. See if you love it. Buy everything with a mug. We've got the father. We've got it all. And yeah, if you don't like it, guess what? We're giving you money back guarantee. If you do not like Body Brain Coffee, if you don't think it's the best mushroom coffee you've ever tried in your entire life, we don't want your money. So once again, go to BodyBrainCoffee.com. Use the promo code War20 and save 20% off today. All right, story warriors. Let's take a quick moment and thank Sheath for supporting the show. The only underwear that I've worn in literally years. I love Sheath underwear, amazing styles, colors, the dual-pouch technology. Put your balls in one pouch, you're dick and the other. It keeps everything separate but equal. It's like civil rights for your dick and balls, honestly. The dual-pouch system is incredible. Very unique. Other people have copied it, but they are the originators. They sell new colors and patterns every month you're seeing new stuff on the site, signature fabrics, best underwear you're ever going to wear in your entire life. Yeah. And they go from sizes extra small, actually, to three XL. They even have sports bras and women's underwear to keep the bitches happy. Listen, you got to feel it to believe it. Go to Sheath.com/WordsWithAZWARZ and use code wars with a Z for 20% off. They even offer a first pair of guarantee, so if it's not for you, guess what? You can get 100% of your money back. But once you try Sheath, you're not going to go back. That's s-h-e-a-t-h, Sheath.com/W-A-R-Z, Sheath.com/Words, and use code wars for 20% off. Sheath underwear, the underwear of legends, thanks to Sheath for sponsoring the episode. Let's get back into it. Look, story warriors, plastics are everywhere. We know that, but they shouldn't be in your clothes. Class up your look, the natural way right now, with underdogs, hemp blank teas. Underdogs teas are super comfortable and made in their signature fabric. 51% hemp for durability, 31% bamboo for breathability, 18% organic content for comfort. And I did the math. That equals out to 100%. And that's it. Nothing else. No polyester, no microplastics, shedding every time you wash. Just natural fibers that are built to last. Really incredible. I love the shirt they sent me. It's the most comfortable t-shirt that I own. It just feels great, it looks great, it fits great, makes my arms look fucking great as well. And it's just the most comfortable shirt I've probably ever put on my body. It should be more than 18% for comfort because I don't know what they're talking about because I'll tell you right now there's 100% comfortable shirt. And underdogs offering a lifetime warranty on all of their t-shirts, which is crazy. If it rips, wears out, they're going to replace it. That's crazy. Okay. First of all, it's not a bad, it's, it's a bad business model. They're going to probably change that at one point, but get in now, lock in now because guess what, you have that shirt forever. What are your favorite new t-shirt today? And for a limited time story, worst fans are going to get 30% off at underdog.com. That's UNDRDOG, UNDRDOG.com, 30% off. No code needed. Just go there now and enjoy the best t-shirt you're ever going to wear. Alright, where were we? I got in a fight with my significant other because I kissed someone else. It was right after we found out we had bedbugs. God ew. What a plug story tonight, huh? I'm going to have night terrors on this. Guys, take your, take your, take your panels out. Sorry. Jeff, you live in New York? I do. Yeah. I've never had bedbugs though. I'll be enough. I've had friends that have had them, but I've never, I've never had bedbugs in my life. And also, I kissed someone else right after we found out we had bedbugs. Yeah, I never had bedbugs. This slaps of Lewis. Yeah. Never had bedbugs. You know that. Yeah, but you kissed a lot of someone else's. I've kissed a lot of someone else's. Um, yeah, that's true. I'm a jeeter. So were you. I'm curious about that. Why would you paint that picture of me? That's crazy. Ladies. No. Ladies, I would never. No. I don't even want this woman who I think from earlier in the show has AIDS. I don't remember what we talked about, but I thought it was AIDS. Scabies. I'm going to throw some thoughts out there. I think this story feels, this, this bedbuck thing feels a little tacked on a little bit. Like, I've had bedbugs before. Right. But no, I got to fight with my significant other because I kissed somebody else. And then the day before we found out we had bedbugs, that feels unrelated completely. I know it's for sure, but it's trying to get bugs in, but it's trying to get bugs in. Me and Lewis. Yeah. This is why I'm saying this. That's why I'm saying it. I feel like this is something that you guys maybe doing the show for so long might need to kind of feed ways to add bugs into your story to. Oh. You know what I mean? No problem coming up with many of bug stories. Really? Yeah. Easy time kind of a bug story. Did you have bedbugs? Never had bedbugs. I believe you. Nope. Nope. He's had a chlamydia bug. Cipherless bug. Those are all the real bedbugs. Yeah. The food. We had bedbugs. Herpes simplex bugs. Yeah. Herpes simplex bee bug. He had a southern flying aids. I think it's Lewis or Jay. I really do think it's Lewis or Jay. Wow. And I kind of want to. I can see it being Jay. Lewis. You are pushing toward them. I am. I've never had bedbugs. Yeah. Jeremiah, have you ever had bedbugs? I'm not. Not a cheater, either, though. No. No way. I've been with one woman. One woman. Yeah. I lost my Virginia to my wife. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, to be fair. Hold on. I did. Three. Okay. Oh no. To be fair, we all lost our Virginia to his wife. She was just giving it out. It's true. She's good. She's good. You're, uh, your uncle Jay has been hanging out a lot of the house lately. She goes. Yeah. She's good. She gets you confident for the world. Wait. Who's one fingerless club is this? Who's been in our bed? There's bedbugs all over us. Jay, have you, uh, you did a bedbugs, you said? Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. No, I mean, I, I have had family members that have had it. It's terrible. Fuck those socks. Yeah. You would have been, it would have been such a big deal in my life. You would know that I had bedbugs. Yeah. They weren't biting me, but they were like- Afternoon. Yeah. No. So we were like, you're like, you're like, you like flip down like the seams of the mattress. Yeah. They were all flattened brown and weird. It's like, I go into, I go into the fog and then wrap everything in plastic to the fucking socks. Yeah. Yeah. I go into, uh, what is this? What fuck is this on Reddit? No. And it's always a bedbugs. Oh, my God. Every time it's like, what bug is this? It's like a bedbugs. This is totally Jeff. I was leaning toward Lewis till you put my name down. Now, I think it's you just to get something. I think you love this guy. This guy's not me. This guy's not me. Can I say this? Jeff's very handsome. And I shouldn't- And he loves kissing everybody. I shouldn't. Why else would he be so kissable? I shouldn't even give up this so much information because I do think I'm onto something here. And- But I- I will play the- For the sake of, I'll tell you what I'm thinking. Okay. Eleanor is not in a story yet. Shit. Eleanor. I can't say. Kissing- Kissing someone else is not- Total fucking Philly Horde bag move. Absolutely. But let's probably bloom for a pretzel. For a dude. A soft pretzel though. But one of the good ones, that you twist up normal and you throw a little fucking- For a dude, we're not- We're not- Kissing someone is even a registering as like a thing. Like, who gives a fuck? Like, we're like, this is a woman's story. And she- Yeah, this is something that happened in your life. You're from Philly. I think one third of the apartments in Philly have bedbugs. How dare you. I think this is Eleanor Carrigan, and that's my final answer right now. I love it. Oh, shit. The fact that you just- You could be Louis. The fact that you just did a whole monologue on Eleanor? I'm going. I think it's Louis. Wow, you dumbass. Yeah. Oh. It's gotta be you get- It's J.R. No, it's not me. It's not me. It's not. I promise. It's J.R. It's Eleanor. Eleanor's acting right now. This is why Dice loves her. Alex, who's story? Who's story? Who's story? Who's story number six? Is it J? He's excited. -Story number six belongs to Jeremiah. -Block this mother. (audience cheering) -Better said. -Better said. -Better said. (audience cheering) -I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity to my wife. -You slut. -You dirty piss of one else. -Let me explain. -That's what it said to her. -What that happened was. -It was an acting thing. -Oh, you son of a bitch. -So, what happened? But this is where I messed up like with the thing. -This is hotter than you. -No, it wasn't like-- -Okay. -So, it was a sketch that was white guys kissing black girls for the first time. -Not in my country. (audience laughing) -I never kissed a black girl before, so it was like this all-deaf digital sketch. But the problem with it was, is I usually play characters and stuff. But this one was, hi, I'm Jeremiah Watkins, and I'm about to kiss a black girl. I'd been like dating, and then, like, I-- -It's the most racist fucking jackass sketch ever. (audience laughing) -Here we go. -I'm Jeremiah Watkins. I'm about to look at Newport's cigarette. (audience laughing) (audience laughing) -Hi, I'm Jeremiah Watkins. My credit score is about to drop. (audience laughing) -Hey, what's up, this is Steve O.A. -Hey, I'm Jeremiah Watkins, and I guess I have a step-kid now? (audience laughing) -I'm Steve O.A. and I love that chicken of Popeyes. (audience laughing) -Yeah, dude, this is gnarly, man. -So, I did it, and I, you know, I commit to anything that I do, and I really went for it. And I said in the video, I'm like, "Oh, I'm going back for seconds." (audience laughing) It went super viral, so not-- I handled it poorly just in the relationship in general, but I called her afterwards, and I guess I was a little high off of it. And I said some really stupid stuff. I was like, "Oh, it's okay." She's like, "You seem really like happy," and I'm like, "Yeah, the shoot went great." And I came twice, yeah. And I said, and I still-- I don't know why I said this, but it was so stupid. I was like, "Don't worry. I was in good hands." She was beautiful. -Wow. -Well, women understand. (audience laughing) I said, "Oh, right. She was hot, so it's okay that I kissed her." -Yeah, I handled it. -She would be me hard just by looking at her. -So immaturally, so horribly, and then so it went viral. So a bunch of her people she knew from high school were hitting her. "Isn't this your boyfriend?" And it was a mess. And then I brought bedbugs home from Vegas. I did a gig in Vegas. I was doing a week of shows out there. And bedbugs came back in my bag and then infested our place. And it was a freaking thing. -I know you have two kids now and you're happily married, but that was the weekend you should have killed her. (audience laughing) -Don't listen to Uncle Jay. He says some things that are a little off. -Wow. But it's so fun. I say it while I'm bouncing him so high on my knee. Now, we're appoints that. This is crazy how far Jeremiah has pulled the head. -No, he's murdering us. -He hits seven stories. He submitted 63 stories. That's crazy. -In last place with five points, big Jay Ogerson. -What the fuck did that happen? I didn't even read my brain or any idea that was possible. -We all suck. -Tied for third place with six points. Each Lewis Jay Gomez and Eleanor Carragain. -Yeah, you guys are stupid pieces of shit, too. -I haven't got his points since the second story. -It's only but Jeremiah stories. We're fighting a lot about Jeremiah today. -He's got a lot of shit going on. -In second place with eight points, Jeff R. Kerry. (audience cheering) -And in first place with 16 points, Jeremiah Watkins. (audience cheering) -Oh, my God. -Jay, get your fucking head in the game. We have two more stories. -The Jeremiah has to be flushed out. -Alex, story number seven, make it mine. -Story number seven. While taking a shower, I noticed there was a beetle in my hair. I ran out of the bathroom screaming through a house full of people, not realizing I was naked. I was 18 years old. -Elenor. I feel like 18 years old thing. Yeah. -And you let us know-- -Go ahead, go ahead. -No, you're letting us know. Eleanor, that's smart. You let us know you're illegal, so our boners don't feel bad. -Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. -I do also think this is Eleanor because a beetle, a full-on beetle in the hair was John Lennon. -Like, unless it was-- Unless it was Eleanor as fucks, so many celebrities that John Lennon was in her hair. -Really, John? -I can't get over the fact you fuck John Lennon. I got to break up with you, because I never stop seeing his face when you suck my fucking god. [ Laughter ] -John Lennon went from Yoko, Ohno, to still Ohno. [ Laughter ] -Fuck you. -To Yoko, Ohno. -Fuck you, dude. Eleanor? Eleanor, 50 out of 50 times I pick you over Yoko Ohno. -Thank you. -Tallantless and ugly. And I know you got that fucking tight-ass Philly pussy. -Oh, wait, what? -Also, even if it isn't tight, as soon as we finish, we're going to order jeez things. Talk about the birds. -Yeah, I mean, this is-- -So we might have-- -Also, this has-- This is who are, like, behavior. Not even knowing that you're naked. I mean, come on, Eleanor. -By the way, before me or Big J would run through a house full of people naked, we would kill ourselves. -Yeah, I would fucking end it in that shower. I'd be like, "Oh, the bug wins." And I would find a way to, like-- I don't know, like, headbutt the faucet until I died. -Anything-- and then I asked a guy before I did it, I would wrap my bottom, at least, in a towel. -Yes. -So nobody had to see me wet and fat. -You're doing your deck. -Dude, my dead, uneracked penis is going to be pathetic. -No, anyone who loves me enough would know, like, fucking cremate me the second I'm dead. Don't wait for the cops to get there and find my body. Just start burning it right away. Let's get that little penis off display, huh? I probably wasn't hard when I died. -No way. -It doesn't even matter. I think once you die, it just turtles up. -Don't say that. I like to believe if I stay hard most of the day, if I die, it'll be hard. But they're going to think it's soft, and I'm just in regular mortars to go, "Wow, I wonder how big it got." [ Laughter ] -Okay. [ Laughter ] This doesn't keep you up. -No. -This is all the fun. -I don't think any corner is looking at an naked body, being like, "I wonder how big it would have got." -Well, then you've never met Jay-Hokers in the corner. That's all I would do. -You locked in already? -Yes, you locked in already with Eleanor. I mean, I'm getting Eleanor vibes all day. Eleanor, convince me that this is not you. -It's not me. I don't get it. I wouldn't -- What are you talking about? This is all the same size. I was 18 years old running out. -What the heck? -House full of people, not realizing I was naked. -Yeah. -She just wetted it back with pressure marks at the end of every sentence. -Right. -But I won't pose this, though, just to consider this. It could possibly be Jeff, because he did have a thing with spiders crawling on him. -Oh, you're right. And also, he was fucking monster-cocked and he would love to show his family. He wants to let him know who the alpha dog is when they order pizza. -I didn't even realize his name. He goes, "Oh, hello, family. Looks like I'll be picking the pizza toppings tonight." [ Laughter ] -I mean, it's crazy pizza-all compliments. I'm not going to cut you off. -Yep. -Guys, fuck that. She, Jeff or Curie has a monster-cock. And you all fucking know it. Particularly you two sluts. -When a special is called "nice to meet you," and he's like, "Yeah, it's spelled M-E-A-T." -Yeah. -Yeah, he goes, "nice to meet you." Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. We are Jeff or Curie and Cock. -I mean, Eleanor couldn't even defend herself. She couldn't-- -No, but here's the thing. You guys would be more embarrassed to be naked. -I didn't make it. -I didn't make it. -No, I would have killed my whole family, dude. Like, fuck this. -This says nothing about embarrassment. This is just simply not realizing you were naked. -Oh. -Being a woman, you look down. You're like, "Oh, shit, I'm naked. Ha-ha-ha." -Yeah. -For me, I'd be like, "Oh, well, I have to literally kill myself now." -Yeah. -Yeah. -For guys, it's your biggest secret. -Yeah. -You're penis. -Yeah. -I think so. -So, wouldn't it be you being nervous when you were-- -Possibly. -Everyone votes for Eleanor Carrigan. -Eleanor? -Could be Jeff. -Eleanor, who are you voting for? -I don't know yet, because I'm confused. -We all already voted. -I think it could be Jeff. -All right, that's fine. -I think it could be, but I think it's Eleanor. -I don't think it's Lewis. Lewis had minimal hair for a short amount of time. -Yeah. -My hair, I mean-- -I've been wanting-- -Jer and I grew up, but I'm pleased we're-- [BLANK_AUDIO] I was like, when I was 18, I had her. Yeah, but when Jeremiah, where he lived, like Beatles would become your friends. (audience laughing) What do you mean your belly button? Belly button pets. Hey, little guy, come on over. (audience laughing) Come on. Eleanor, come get both of us with Jeff McCurry. (audience laughing) Eleanor, why Jeff, before we go to our official answer? I, 'cause I just think men would be nervous if they ran out of a shower. I'm reading this as the person's embarrassed. Okay, well, I think you're-- And their shriveled cocks are even more embarrassed. Fair. It's very fair. You're still struggling, huh? Well, it's very locked in. We all think it's Eleanor. Eleanor thinks it's Jeff, Alex. Who's story with story number seven? Story number seven belongs to Eleanor Carrigan. (audience applauding) There wasn't an Eleanor's story for like 20 minutes. Still be a obvious. It's very rare that there's three stories if someone gets read that early in the game. That's crazy. In the first three of the first six stories were Jeremiah. Yep. So Eleanor, tell us the story, what happened here? Is there anything more to this? No, it was just a bunch of, I don't like bugs. We're not bugged people, whatever. We're interested in it. Sin of folks, nobody likes bugs. Of course, nobody-- We're talking about Jeremiah. Jeremiah. What was? He loves bugs. People keep bugs, they're weird, whatever. It was a bunch of beetle. We had a beetle invasion, not the good kind, and I was lifeguarding. And all day, walking around, fighting bugs, and then I went home to take a shower, and I came-- It's not the job of a lifeguard. No. It's not not the job. Hi, if you could see more beetles than children. She did, she was the worst lifeguard ever. She's like, come here, bug. Or I hit her for time. I tried to get laid, and I'm getting hit by bugs. This is fucking weird. Put up all six of you. Yeah. So when I was showering, I felt something in my hair, and I just immediately ran out, and all my brothers and their friends were down. I have six brothers. So all of them were down there with their friends, and I was just dripping. Nobody could help me, because they were all just staring. Well, they weren't just staring. They were also in the middle of a group jerk session. Sorry, guys. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. All right, where are our points at? Seven stories down. We're coming down to the wire. All right. In last place with six points, Eleanor Carrigan. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. In fourth place with nine points, Big J. Ogersam. In third place with 10 points, Lewis J. Gomez. [APPLAUSE] In second place with 12 points, Jeff Arcurian. [APPLAUSE] And in first place with 20 points, Jeremiah Watkins. [APPLAUSE] I believe Jeff Arcurian is the only person who was threading Jeremiah at this point. But I'm going to tell you-- We can all play Giant Killer. But one of the two of you is going to go home with Empire of Man's The Hidden Worlds and Extraordinary Lives of the first Chinese conquerors by Suzanne Foytec and Elaw Friesch. [APPLAUSE] Who can anticipate, Bruno? Yes? Just take a moment. Got you. Who can anticipate, bringing home Empire of the Dance by Suzanne Foytec and Elaw Friesch? With the book tonight's winner will learn all the secrets to how Earth's tiniest problem solvers build advanced complex colonies communicate without even using words and carry 100 times their weight all with that essential leader. [APPLAUSE] And if you're black, who can anticipate? [LAUGHTER] Right? Right? Woo! Somebody called the funny ambulance. [LAUGHTER] Alex, our final story, story number eight. [MUSIC PLAYING] Story number eight. While lying on the floor in the living room, playing checkers with me, my mom confidently went to make a move. She picked up what she thought was a checker, but it was a roach. This feels like Lewis in between the bad times. Also, who else thought this woman was making a move on the kid? Yeah. She goes, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. Wait a go mom. Is that a roach? Oh my god, I have a date. Yeah. This is one of my happiest-- King to D for. Yeah. Yeah. Checkers with your mom is ridiculous. What's up with that dumb ass mom that you have? Do you guys are playing checkers? I mean, whoever's story this is has a dumb bitch mother. That's what I'll say. That's pretty heavy deflecting. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. I was looking at Jeremiah. Yeah. I don't think it's Jeremiah. Jeremiah, did you want my poor fucking roach ridden house? No, we were clean. We were clean white trash. I was poor, but never a roach issue. Right. It was kind of like that. Where is this like we-- Long Island, I mean, I can't think of the places that would be like roachy places. No, I didn't see a roach like moved into the city. We're roach. We are roach people. I feel like it would be roach, but we weren't. Yeah. But when I would go visit fucking South Philly relatives, man, when they would turn the lights off to go to bed, that's why I sleep with lights off still. They came out like it was like, now it's our turn to party. And they would fucking turn up, dude. You ever see a roach dance in a strobe lights? It's erotic. Lewis, did you have a carpet or tile in the living room grown up? Man, fuck all that. What he had was a prostitute mother who fucking didn't give a shit. Oh, be careful. I didn't do it. I did it. Oh, I hit something else. Sorry, these things are flawed. God, the future is now, but still, right? And that? I'm sorry. I don't know. I mean, I didn't have tile. I mean, I had a rug. I had like a carpeted-- Oh, thank you. I'm sorry. Yeah. And a mother that would pick up a roach like a joint. Oh. You did? No, not me, my mom. Lane on the floor. So there's no-- there's not even a kitchen table available. Interesting. Oh, that's the idea is that you think there's not tables in the house of this person? Oh, you didn't. We had tables. [LAUGHTER] We chose to do it on the floor, because it was pretty cool to do it on the floor. Man, we were just like-- The Puerto Ricans have tables. Yeah. I mean, no, we had no crates that we turned over there to use those tables. [LAUGHTER] It's right next to their showers, which you call a sink. Playing on the floor, like, well, we had tables. We just didn't want it to play on the floor. I like that. It's back to the lowest of me. Alan, are you-- did you grow up poor? Of course. You grew up poor. Very. See, Jeff was on Long Island. I don't think you grew up poor. Long Island Island. For this story to be true, the mother has to be inebriated in some way, because I would never reach down-- if you reach down to pick up a checker piece, you're looking down. So if you look down and you don't see that it's a fucking roach, and you go, uh, king to the fucking whatever, get that fucking insane. Yeah, and you do know. That's my mother was completely sober from, like, my entire child that she got-- Until, unless she-- She got hooked on drugs. She got hooked on drugs, again, when she-- when I was like, uh, 19. No, dude, but she only played checkers, fucked up. [LAUGHTER] Is this Jay and you're-- It could be-- it this could be Jay. No. Jay's mom is a stupid bitch. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I've said that for a long time. She's alive, and she's never accepted sex for money. She did. She did? She did sleep with a lot of police officers in my neighborhood to protect keep the family safe. But I'm not going to fucking judge her for that. Sure, as much as I woke up, and I was like, where's my mom? And I would go look at the front window. And she was leaning in the front of a cop car. God knows what kissing is penis could buy. Either way, zero break ins in a very dangerous neighborhood. [LAUGHTER] But we didn't have roaches. I think this could be Ellen Orr. It's Ellen Orr, or Ellen Orr, we had the locusts. We had a wasp problem in the summertime, wasn't it? I think this is Ellen Orr or Big J. This is a this is a Philly problem. Jeff was on Long Island, Jeremiah's Kansas City. You can say it was really, I'm, I'm, you, you should, you don't listen to me as your friend. Whatever. My mother. I guess this doesn't question about the points in this round for this one specifically. Please. It's two per, even if you get, if you guess, get people to guess wrong, right? Like two points each. double points. [ Cheers and applause ] -It's your story. -Okay. -What's your story? -What is your story? -What is your story? -Everybody who doesn't guess will -- -If -- Well, I'm just trying to break it down. Like, so you get, like, twice as many if you score this round. -Yes. -Okay. -So -- [ Laughter ] So what I'm asking is if Jeff is in second, right? -Mm-hmm. -I might have to guess. -I'm trying to play the game right now. -Which is very fun. -Which is very fun, very fun. -If I guess Jeff, instead of you, I think that I would win the game. -No matter what. -No matter what. If I pick Jeff now. -Yes, if it's Jeff. -If it's Jeff. -Jeff, the only -- All right. And I'll bring it down. If you guys want to know how it works. If this is Jeff's story and nobody votes for Jeff, Jeff will tie with you. -Right. -And you will go to overtime. Now, here's what I was ever the integrity of the game. Do you believe it's Jeff? [ Laughter ] -He's been so quiet. That's what I'm worried about. I know you're a dirt ball, dude. It's very possible that it could be you. You don't have furniture as a kid. Your dad was dead. -His mom had roaches. -Right. [ Laughter ] I mean, here's Italian Italians are dumb fucks. Check your stuff. -By the way, Italians are dumbest. -Of course Long Island has roaches. But I don't know that of being like an Italian Long Island issue. I mean, it could look. It could be the summertime roaches show up sometimes. -He's panicking now and starting to throw it yesterday. So I might say Lewis. [ Laughter ] -So, here's what I'm saying. If you believe it's Jeff, I say vote for Jeff. But if you don't believe it's Jeff, -Oh, fuck me. -I say go to fuck you. -Well, let me say this. I say go with your heart if you don't think it's Jeff and go into overtime if it ends up being Jeff. Because I'm voting for Eleanor Kerrigan. -If you say Lewis and you're right, you win. -Oh, man. -I think it's-- -Oh. -God, he locked it in. -This is fun. -Oh. -I think it might be Jeff. I think it might be Jeff. -Oh. -I really think it might be Jeff. -You think it is? -Yeah? -I think he's going to be a curve ball. I think he's going to be a curve ball. -Hey, these guys are really hoping to-- -Look at him. -Oh, Eleanor. -These guys are freaking out. They're jerking each other off under that table. -You think it's Jeff? -So they're so confident. -So if this is Jeff, Jeff, Jeremiah played it absolutely perfectly-- -Oh, my God. -Either way, Alex, who story was story number eight? -Story number eight belongs to Eleanor Kerrigan. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, Eleanor, this was your story. You piece of shit. -So how dare you call my mom? A piece of shit. Would you call my mom? -A piece of shit. I'm not the fucker. -Whoever's mom. -I'm sorry. She was attentive. -We've been anybody's mom. -Oh, yeah. Is that right? [ Laughter ] -So is there any more to this story? Who won the checker's game? -My brother Tommy, because he didn't have any roaches. -Nice. -Now, when they got a king, did you put another roach on top of that roach? [ Laughter ] -Put the roach in the box. -You need to bring it back out. -Wow. I mean, Alex, make it official. Where are our final points at? I think I know who won. -Germain? -Yeah. -All right. And the last place with nine points. Big J. Ogerson. [ Cheers and applause ] -Just so everybody knows, when I go home after losing these games, I cut myself a little. [ Laughter ] Just a little to let the pain out. But then I'm okay, but then I'm all right. -Tied for a third place with 12 points each. Eleanor, Carrigan, and Jeff Arcarie. [ Cheers and applause ] In second place with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez. [ Cheers and applause ] And your winner tonight with 20 points. Jeremiah Watkins. [ Cheers and applause ] Did somebody say double points? [ Cheers and applause ] It feels so much better than you even thought I was going to feel. It feels so good to say double points. [ Cheers and applause ] Because if you don't remember last time, I got dead last, and I wasn't allowed to say double points. [ Cheers and applause ] Jeremiah Watkins, your newest story warrior, makes some fucking noise for him. [ Cheers and applause ] He is taking home empire, bands. The hidden worlds of extraordinary lives, the first tiniest conquerors by Suzanne Foytsick and Ola Frieche. I've got a big round of applause for our entire panel, Jeff Arcarie. Make sure you check out the special nice to meet you on Netflix right now. [ Cheers and applause ] Jeremiah Watkins, stand up on this spot. 100th episode coming out very soon on YouTube. [ Cheers and applause ] Your newest story warrior for Story Wars, I'm Big J. Olkerson. I'm Olos Jagamas. Until next time, peace. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]