Jay’s Must-Listens: The Biggest Lessons From 10 of Our Most Inspiring Conversations

Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Before we get into today's episode, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge this community we've built here on YouTube. When we started this journey, the intention was simple, to create a space where we could all feel less alone, where wisdom felt practical and conversations explored what it really means to live with purpose. And you turned that into something far bigger than I ever imagined. The community we built together became a place of learning, reflection, and genuine connection. Now, this isn't a goodbye to YouTube. It's a new chapter in how we share these conversations. You'll be able to watch our full video interviews on Netflix and Spotify video, and we'll continue showing up here on YouTube in new ways as we keep building this community together. The heart of this has never changed. It's always been about helping you live a life that feels more intentional, more meaningful, and more true to who you are. I'm deeply grateful you've been a part of this, and I can't wait to continue this journey together. It's just the beginning. Today's episode felt like the perfect moment to look back. This is a collection of some of the most powerful conversations we've shared over the years. The moments that challenged us, shifted us, and stayed with us. Let's dive in. I think to myself, I'm like, how can I make Selena's day better? What can I do in my day? To make her day better, because then that makes my day better. And I wanted to find a person like that. And I know when Selena wakes up, like the first thing she's thinking is like, how can I make his day better? And we have such a give and take. Like I could never even see a world where I would ever yell at her. She would ever yell at me. Like we don't argue like that. Like I feel like, I feel like we just have conversations. Like there's never an argument. Sometimes she'll say, this is so funny. Oh boy. No, no, no. She'll do this and it's really cool. I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm feeling a little irritated and I think I need like 25 minutes and I'll say, okay. And then I give her her space. And then after like five minutes, she texts me. She's like, hey, will you come back? But it's, but it's knowing that and we have the proper boundaries set with each other. Like I don't have to be on top of her every second. She doesn't have to be on top of me every second we're together. I just want to know she's in the house so I can say like, hey, I love you. And then go back to what I'm doing. You know what I mean? Cause look, we're both highly independent people. Okay. But we're both little mushes who just need to be attached. Yeah, we are so cheesy. It's so fun. Yeah. I love the maturity. I mean, hearing you both talk about it. Yes, but let's be clear. We are not the perfect. No, no, no. It's not perfect. No, but you're disagreeing. No, no, no. But I think the maturity of, and I agree with you. I think, I think that's actually the difference and I'm glad you brought that up. I think there's a big difference between maturity and perfection. Perfection is saying we never have a disagreement. We never have to take space from each other. We never, you know, which you're not saying, you're saying, hey, I just asked for 25 minutes space. And then I was like, wait a minute, I need you. And I think there's a maturity in that because it requires maturity from both parts for you to first say, hey, I need space for you to say, I get it. I respect you. And then for you to have the maturity to say, actually, I want you back. And for you to be like, not like, oh, I told you so for you to be like, I'm here for you. Like that, that's not perfect. That's not perfection. To me, that's maturity. And I think that's, I really want people to get that from it that you are going to have disagreements. You are going to want space. Like me and Raleigh went through that. She, at the beginning of our relationship, if we had a disagreement and we were the same, we never, we made a rule that we would never raise our voices at each other because I came from a home where it was not great. She comes from a home where her parents don't raise their voices. But I was just like, I never wanted that in my home. I wanted the energy of my home to be so sacred. And I wanted the energy of the home to always have a space where everyone just walked in and felt like a warm hug. And I was like, we can't argue and then expect that to happen. But it took a long time for us to realize that when she, at the start of our disagreements, she wanted space. And I used to say to her, well, if you don't want to talk about it right now, that means you don't care about me. And that wasn't true. She just needed space to process. So it took time for us to mature for me to realize, wait a minute, you wanting space is you caring for the relationship. When you start dating someone, you're not only dating them, you're dating every single person they've ever dated, every single relationship they've ever had in their past. Because you're getting every piece of baggage that that person's carried and what they've learned through their own personal life, through the life with partners, with their parents, with this, that. And I had to find a way to build that trust with her, not make it feel overbearing and make it feel real and make her actually believe it and vice versa. I know that she fully, if I say, hey, I'm just going to do this today. There's nowhere in her mind that's thinking that. And if for any chance that she, I always told her, I said, it's okay. If you have moments of doubt in something, in a feeling, always talk to me and I'll talk you through anything that you may have. You know, if you say, hey, I know this is a crazy thing. I just had a dream and I woke up from this dream and I was upset. Sometimes she'll just say like, please tell me I can trust you or please tell me you're not doing anything. And I say, you can call me anytime you want. And I'm aware of her strengths and I'm aware of her weaknesses. And what I try to do is surround her with a lot of things to help her. So if she's away and I have to go to a dinner, then a party, then this thing, then that thing, it's a simple text in between each things that says, hey babe, I'm going to this next thing. I'm thinking about you. Wait, so the album, I said, I love you first. Yes. So Selena, you said, I love you first. Yes, she said it. What made you want to say that? Because that's a big step. I definitely have never been the first. So this is the first time in your life you were the first? Yes. Wow. I wanted him to also know how committed I was. And deep down, I just felt that. And I was tired of protecting myself. We had spent enough time together where, you know, I felt like this was my person. And I had the courage enough to say it, but I was very nervous and luckily he said it back. And the thing that's crazy is, you know, before you say, I love you, it's like this thing. It's like taboo, you're scared to say. And then after you're like, oh my God, I can't like, you want to say it a thousand times in a row. You never want, I can't even understand how I went so long without saying it to her. I say it three times. I say it 3,000 times a day to her. And I like, I make sure every day I say, I love you so much. Like, I love you a million times. And then I always tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have her every day. - That's so annoyingly cute. - And I always want it. No, and I always want to do that because I want her to know that every day I don't take any of anything for granted. And I still look at her and my breath gets taken away in so many different ways. And I, I said it to her last night when we were sitting we were in like the pool or something together last night and we were just hanging out. And I was just like, you're so beautiful. And I don't mean that just physically. I'm saying like, you can feel it. There's like a ring, like an aura around her that exudes just like warmth. And it, and it just- - You're like making me want to cry. - How do you react in the moment when that happens, Selena? 'Cause Benny, we're basically the same person. I do the same thing to my wife. - Yeah. - I do that to Radhi all the time. - Like we're so lucky. - And Radhi will just pull. - She does the same thing. - The funniest face in the world. - Yeah. I was like, how do you react when, when Benny's telling you all these amazing things, Selena? What do you say? - Because I, I say, no, let's be honest. I also am equally grateful. And I tell him that all the time. I, I just, it makes me feel like it's not real. And I'll like, sometimes I'll be like, this seems too good to be true. Like he's so sweet to me, but now I've accepted it. I think I, I actually love it so much that it just makes me want to give him that support and that love back. So it's safe to say I feel much safer doing that now. And I like it. - I think so many people feel that when someone's that nice and that's coming from someone who's like that myself with friends, family, and obviously with my, with my wife too a lot of the time that's seen as a weakness. Like people kind of look down on it when someone's that open about their feelings especially I get asked that a lot when I'm giving relationship or dating advice people will be like, oh no, but if, if I come on too strong people get turned off. What this time was different for you where it's like, he's he's being really affectionate, he's being really open but there's a part of you that realizes that's what you want. And that's what you deserve. - What I felt for Benny, it was, it was everything about him was honest. It wasn't just that he was honest with me. He was honest about where he was at in life. And he'll tell me anything that he's feeling. And it made me feel like I could do the same but he's the one person, you know and you're saying those nice things to me, babe. It's like so sweet. But I believe him to where I'm not going to believe someone who is blowing smoke up my butt to just make me feel good. He's saying it because he means it. And I believe it. - Yeah, that's beautiful. That honesty. someone has in every area of their life, including their bad days, their tough days, their challenging days, then when they're saying that, whether their day is good or bad and they feel that way, it resonates with us. I think we all sense that. The biggest drug, it's not cocaine, it's not heroin, it's not molly or opioids. The biggest drug is fame. And now it's more accessible in different doses. It's the biggest drug. And the reason why it's the biggest drug, because it's a drug that makes you feel like you are powerful and like everywhere you go, anything you want, everything you want, it's a thing. And if you can't handle this thing, the consequences attached to when that thing is removed are severe. Nobody prepares you for the world of fame. There is no handbook. There is no outline. There is no guide by guide. Step one to step two. There's nothing. You get it. And yesterday you weren't. And today you are. And tomorrow you're not. No, we're done. People get shell-shocked. That to me has always been the point of no return. At the end of the day, this can wear off if and when, however sees or decides. And if. If that were to happen, well, what am I, where am I? It's all going to, it's all going to fit it back to, are you happy with who you are and what you did? Are you at a point where you are okay? Do you know you and are you okay with you? If you are not, it'll break you. Your energy is incredible. And just the depth, what I love about this, and this was my vision with the show, and you're helping me achieve that, which I'm very grateful for is, I don't think, and I love that you've been doing this more and more with The Audible, with Heart to Heart. Like, we're getting to see your depth. We're getting to see the mind behind you. Again, as we said earlier, we like to limit people. We like to limit people into like, you just be a comedian, or you just be a race car driver, or you just be an actor. And it's like, we're starting to realize that, like you said, you're not just watching someone's life on TV. There's a human here. There's a story here, and we're getting that with you. Do you think it was, was this something, was this an epiphany that you had before the accident? Or was it that this really, because in your Audible, when you talk about like how, when it's just silent, you figure out what really matters. Like when I heard that, I was just thinking like, our near death experiences, you were told when you came out of it, you should be dead. And you're like, well, I don't remember anything. Does that feel like that was a moment that there is a massive awakening? Or were you already kind of working with some of this? No, I had a, I was always a transparent and authentic person, but you definitely change. That's what you, you, you definitely change. And by the way, still changing. I'm not sitting in front of you as an unflawed man. Like I, I am my dad's child and mom and my mother's child as well. There's nothing more humbling than a quiet room. There's nothing more humbling than the realization of what is real. Really like necessary. What you take for granted and what we don't think twice about is not until that's compromise that the true appreciation for life. I feel like it sometimes be had, I don't want to speak for everybody because I think there are some people that truly do get it. And that truly do think whatever their space or version of a higher power is daily for life and for what they do. You know, I believe in God. So I'm, I'm not as spiritual as some may be, but I'm very thankful for the life that God has allowed me to live and the opportunities that I've been able to embark upon. But I got a lot more appreciation after life was almost gone. Right? Like, do you really appreciate your toes? Do you really appreciate your fingers? Like, do you really think about your movement? Your joints, vision, smell. Do you really think about how fortunate and, and lucky you are? It's the only time where I get a little, where I slow up. Right? And when, when I'm slowing up is because the reality of that was significant. I really almost died. My kids and all that, like what, as I'm moving so fast, I didn't even have everything dialed up for if said thing were to happen, what, what? Oh, cause I'm, I'm out here. I'm just roaming. I'm out here aimlessly living and I'm moving so fast. I've yet to grasp the true concept and reality of responsibility immediately. Let me get my responsibilities in order. Because if that had have been, it would have been a lot of people with their hands up as to what, how, when fame is great. The lights are great. Have a heart, have a heart, have a heart, have a heart, number one, number one, number one. Y'all was in that room with my goddamn wife, my brother, my kids. You look around, you got a lot of friends, you got a lot of people that love you, but then you start to, well, what really matters? That's when my mindset started to change. That's when you go, okay, my approach to just me and working on me, it needs to be different. I've contradicted myself a lot since, you know, y'all want to slow down. I'm gonna make sure I give my family more time. I have, that doesn't mean that there can't be more. The day to day battle of, am I giving enough? Am I guys, you know how much dad loves you? I'm here. I'm like, you know, always working to make sure I do more, but is it enough? Am I a workaholic? Okay. But that's not a bad thing. Cause I'm, you love to work. Yes, you do. That's a passion. You get, you got something that you go after every day. That is a driving source for me. I'm not in the business. I'm not in the business of letting that go, but, or you better put your hands on these people and make sure you better make sure that you are giving the time that you said you would when you were in that time of solace. Okay. All right. I'm constantly talking to myself. I have these conversations all the time. That's the beauty of taking my little runs. The beauty of working out, being in the gym, you talk to yourself, you better talk to yourself. You better have conversations, figure out a yin and yang of good and bad. For me, it was about personal involvement after that accident and still trying, man. It's the biggest battle. It's the big, the biggest battle is just doing right all the time. That's a battle. I used to value, I mean, stuff. I live in an area where there would be fires a lot. And there was probably four times we had to fully pack up the house, everything out houses catching on fire, property caught on fire, like really close to losing everything. First time packed up my entire shoe and bag closet. And a lot of them, cause they were memory stuff from my dad, stuff in high school, but all designer stuff, also videos, photos, whatever, digitized everything, put everything important somewhere else. Second, pack up the designer stuff, but leave some, leave some of the clothes. You know, I don't really need all the clothes, but I packed a hotel for months, bags and bags, every designer thing that I had had to come. Third time, leave all the bags and shoes. I don't, I don't need them. We got all the, we got all the photos. We got all the, my little blankie when I was little, you know, the kids stuff. Fourth time, leave everything, me and my babies. That's all I need. You know, I have all my photos digitized. I have everything digital. We got our passports. We're good. - Yeah. - And that like evolution of like, they had to go in and get all my designer stuff or I'm not leaving my house. You know, it's going to catch on fire. - Yeah. - And now I'm like, nothing is worth it. Nothing is important. And I think that comes from life experiences, scary experiences, things shaking you to your core to make you realize that nothing is important. You can't, I know everyone says this, you can't take it with you. None of it is important. - Yeah. There's a beautiful Islamic proverb that says, detachment doesn't mean that you own nothing. It means that nothing owns you. And I feel so often we become owned by our dreams, our desires, our pursuits, our things. - Yeah. - It doesn't mean that we have to give them all away or we don't have those things. It's just if and when we have to let go. - Totally. - Are we willing, are we able to let go? - Totally. Even with work stuff. I mean, it doesn't just have to be the material things. Like you said, like your dreams and it's okay to be able to let go, but work so hard to, like the opposites are okay. Contradicting yourself a little bit in those ways. - Yeah. - You know, it's like in relationships, you can love a person, miss a person so much, but still have the wisdom to know they're not your person. - Yeah. - And you're better off not together, that like opposite connection. connection with everything, I think is really important to have that awareness in everything in life, relationships, material things, all of that. Yeah. I officiated a wedding a few years ago and someone came up to me from the audience and said to me, Jay, I realized from what you were saying that they'd just gone through a breakup recently. And they were saying, Jay, I realized that I love that person, but we didn't like each other anymore. And it was that essence of like, there'll always be that deep love for each other, but we just don't. Like family, you love people, but it's okay to feel a protection of a person, but then also protecting yourself and realizing when you have to and when it's time. And it's okay to feel all of the opposite emotions. I think as long as you're really well aware and just- And go through the motions and feel things and don't hold things in, it's so important. Whether it's breakups, deaths, I've always been really clear headed and gone through the feelings, gone through the emotions, more in those relationships, more in those lifelong relationships that you hope for. And then also be okay and calm and realizing, I've always been someone like, okay, my dad died. Why is this happening? What was his purpose here? And how are we going to grow and learn from this experience? And I always said that right when he passed. And I felt it and super emotional about it and cry all the time when great things happen that I wish he was here. But also I had a wisdom at a younger age to understand that this is a part of our journey and a part of our- Our evolution and this happens. And this is why you have to hold on to relationships even more precious. But don't let things destroy you at the same time. We live in a very busy, chaotic world. Lots of noise, lots of distraction. I mean, how many times have you heard people say, oh, you know, social media and like all the, you know, people can't walk down the street without listening to music. Everybody has to be visually stimulated all the time. Like there is no peace. There is no quiet. We're not comfortable being quiet with ourselves and looking inward and asking, you know, what's going on? And I think that's asking ourselves, why am I here? Or what am I doing? Or what is my intention in this specific choice I'm making right now? Whether it's about my work or the way I'm raising my children, decisions that I make about everything, really. I have to ask myself. And if you don't have a spiritual life, you're never going to stop and ask any questions. You're just going to plow through life. And if you just, and you're going to see everything that happens to you as just a random event. And I'm not going to stop and ask any questions. I'm not going to ask any questions. And I'm not going to ask any questions. And I don't believe that anything is random. I think everything that happens to us is meant to happen to us, to teach us some kind of a lesson. But, you know, the question is, are you aware enough? Are you awake enough? Are you interested enough to find out what that reason is? Like, why did this happen to me? What is my lesson? I don't want to go through life seeing everything that happens to me as random, but I also don't want to go through life as a victim. And I've had a pretty challenging life, and it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, or like being a victim, or, you know, why isn't this happening to other people? Why is it happening to me? Why don't I have what that person has? I'm sure you know the expression comparison is the killer of joy. So, you know, it's like, you got to get out of that game. You have to have a spiritual life. You just have to. You're reminding me of something beautiful that I came across called the thing that I love. I love the thing that I love. And I love the thing that is called the third space theory. Have you heard of it? It's this idea that as humans, around 50 years ago, we had three spaces. So we had work, we had home, and then you had a temple, a synagogue, a church, a community center, or a third space. And the point of that third space, it's kind of what you're saying, was a place that you could look back at work and home, and you could reflect on your life. You could take stock. You could introspect. But as time's gone on, what's happened is we lost that third space. We stopped going to temple, church, community, whatever it may be. A place of self-reflection. And we ended up with working home. And then after the pandemic, we lost work. And so now we're in one space, and we don't have a different vantage point to where we are anymore, which is what I think you're saying. Go back on even one more step that to me is like a prison. Get, if you get, if you remove this, spiritual life, spiritual practice, you remove the workplace, then you're in the home. And then removed once more from home is you're looking at your phone, which is even takes you out of home. It's a great point, yeah. So where are you? You're nowhere. We're living in the virtual world. Yeah, we're living in the virtual world, not even in the material world. We're just- Yes, but a virtual world is not a bad world. But if you don't have consciousness, there's really no point to living. Yeah. So it's interesting to think about that, because I feel like everyone can relate to the idea that if we all had, we need physical spaces to sometimes make us do internal things. Yes. I mean, some kind of ritualistic behavior has to happen. What have been your rituals? I'm intrigued. I'm curious. What are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times, as you said, there were so many times you could give up or things could go wrong, you kept pushing and they kept you locked. What were they? What are they? Well, one really important thing is studying, making time every week to sit down and study. I mean, you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Kahil Gibran, or you can study the Vedas, you know. And you did that, right? You actually studied differently. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, before I discovered Kabbalah, I was looking for answers. Why do you think that was? Why were you looking for answers? Because I had everything that people would assume would give you happiness. I had a successful career. I had fame, fortune, monetary things, physical things. But I wasn't happy. And I naturally sought out. Well, when I was a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a Buddhist, and she would get up and chant every day. And so I was very intrigued by that. Like, nothing bothered her. Everything bothers me. I'm a Leo. I'm Italian. I'm very dramatic. I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence and knowingness that everything was happening for a reason. She never got upset about things. And this is in the beginning of my career, when I was living in New York, and I was broke, and a lot of crazy things happened to me. Really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her, her name is Marianne, I would always say, why are you never upset? So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Ashtanga yoga, and my teacher, Eddie Stern, he still has a. Love Eddie, he's great. You know Eddie? Yeah, I do, yeah. Yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up in and competitive about like first series, second series, third series. But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his practice, his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesh or light candles or prayer. And I realized, and Eddie pointed it out to me, I'd have injuries, or I would be traveling, and I couldn't practice yoga. And he'd say, look, are you breathing? And I'd say, yes. And he said, you're practicing yoga. So I realized that I was still too caught up in the physical poses. He's like, no, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. The poses are just something that you do to breathe through, to calm your back, to your center. And that really spoke to me. You know, you always get asked when you're like promoting these big films, like, so do you guys hang out on set? And like, do you guys hang out? And like, are you all friends? And everyone sort of like nods enthusiastically. But the truth is no one has seen each other outside of work, like very, very, very rarely. Mostly because the schedule is insane. Everyone's so tired that when they get any time off, you're going straight back to your hotel room to try to like claw in any piece of rest that you possibly can. And Like, I don't know, like, friendships require, time and trust and presence. And those things very rarely come about. They can and they do occasionally, but it's more of a solar eclipse than an everyday situation. But you have to pretend. I think that's the part that starts to feel icky after a while is you have to pretend that you're all best friends. And what's so sad, and I know this isn't just the case for me, but I think people wish they were. I think we wish we did have those real connections and we did have that real support. And so having to pretend that something exists that you actually really want, but don't have, it's pretty grainy in the wound. It's pretty tough pill to swallow to have to act out something that you wish were real, but isn't real. And I think that's the part that starts to kind of, yeah. I can understand that. I know I speak for myself, but those are definitely the moments where I've been like, this feels dark. Is anyone else like, this feels dark. And there's such a real reminder that it's still work. And it's almost like asking anyone who works at any company and saying, hey, do you hang out with your team after work every night? And the answer is probably no. Everyone's got to go home to their family. And maybe you've got a couple of, of course, you've got a couple of friends at work. And it's wonderful if you have a friend at work that you work out with. Or see after hours, but you're not hanging out as the whole crew. It's, it's very unlikely. 100%. And, and it, and it is that reality check of no, but this is also just work. Yeah. And their, their character stories are not their personal stories and it doesn't. And that's why I wanted to go back. You mentioned that you talked about how Harry Potter had a family feel. And I wanted to ask you, how did that come about in the first, like what, what was, where did the auditions come from? Like, how did that become a part of your life? Yes. So I did not go to a performing arts school. I'd never done anything. I never acted professionally, but they came, they, they did like a basically country wide search to find Harry, Hermione and Ron. And so they asked my school if they wanted to submit any students who love drama, who wanted to audition. And so I was one of, I think about 12 students that was asked if I wanted to audition. I don't know. It was weird. I had this weird weighted fated sense of destiny pretty much from the moment that, that they said they mentioned the audition. I remember I brought, I think maybe like seven different beanie babies with me along and like all these different, like lucky talismans. And I loved the world and the books so much. My dad had been reading them to me before, and I was like, I'm going to go to bed when I would spend the weekends with him. And on long car journeys, we'd often drive back and forwards to France. And that's how the time would be passed. And so I was just like, loved the world, loved Hermione. And for me, it wasn't so much about acting so much as it was that like, I just, the books meant so much to me personally. Did you feel like it was destiny for you? Or did it feel like, did you always feel like you were going to be in the same place? I always felt like Hermione was, I knew I was never auditioning for anything else. Like I knew it was her. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. Something felt right about it. And my, yeah, my poor parents, because if I hadn't have got it, I think they knew her crush. I ended up doing nine auditions over a period of over a year. And a half, which for a nine-year-old is a massive commitment. But I was, I loved her. I loved it. I really did. What I try to do is just try to be still and understand that things come and go. Emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all. And then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all, to embrace them all. What I try to do is just try to do with them what you want versus being. public persona. But I just try to really care about what my family thinks, what my friends think, what the people in my local community think. I live in Kingston. I know everyone that lives there. I can't walk five feet without bumping into one of my mum's friends. So, yeah. So it's something I've been working on. I try my best to not let that stuff affect me. It does. Yeah, of course. I'm not cold hearted or anything like that. It does affect me, but I just try to move on and focus on the positives. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Did you ever see your dad deal with everything and you thought, wow, that was incredible? Was there anything specific that you remember that like seeing him like tackle something and you thought, wow, that really impressed me? Even if it was something really small in hindsight. I think the thing I admire most about my dad is his resilience. You know, he's someone who has had an incredibly successful career in his earlier life. And then later in life, his career sort of plateaued and he struggled and he's never stopped. He's never given up. He still gives. He's still gigging to this day. He's still writing books. He has a patron. He has a podcast. He's constantly grafting to get to where he wants to be. And I think being a young kid and seeing your dad continually working as hard as he can to kind of put his best foot forward for me has been a huge drive for my work ethic. I'll give it 100% or I'll give it nothing. And I think a lot of that has come from my dad and seeing him deal with that. The funny thing about my dad is you talk about doing a bad gig. I must have seen him 20 times. I've never seen him do a bad gig. He always seems to absolutely rip it. But maybe that's just because we're in the audience. But no, I owe a lot to my dad and a lot of the teachings are things he's told me and things I've just witnessed him do. And was there ever a piece of feedback or a rumor or something you saw that did affect you where you actually thought, or at least made you stop and go, God, I'm trying to see the positives, but this one's tough. Like this actually made me have to pause and figure it out. Something that did really upset me. I was in New York. I was shooting the crowning crowded room. And I was having a really hard time with the job just because of how taxing it was, the emotional capacity that I was having to get to every day. And I decided to delete my Instagram because I just felt like I was so addicted to this kind of false version of my life that it was just taking over. I would be on set working. I'd come and sit in my chair and just scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. And it was it was becoming. A problem. I was just obsessed with it. And I was obsessed to find out what people were saying and how people what they thought about me. So I decided to make an announcement, which unfortunately we have to do and say that I'm taking a break from social media. And I try to position myself and say, like, I'm taking a break from social media because I feel like my mental health will benefit from it. And the thing that really upset me is the press ran with that. And they tried to make out that I was having this mental breakdown. And what? Upset me was if I was having a mental breakdown, that's not for you to report on. They took the story in the wrong direction and they tried. They painted again this negative light on mental health rather than saying, oh, he's doing it. It's OK that he's doing it. So we should all feel OK to do it, too. They were saying, oh, look, he's not the perfect happy go lucky kid you think he is. He's having a nervous breakdown in New York. And I think that that was a really unfair line of journalism, let's say, because I just think it again. Kind of painted people looking for help in the wrong light, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It almost sounds like you were actually preemptively going, I'm doing this so that I don't go in that direction. Totally. At least I'm not trying to put words in your mouth. But it's almost like I'm proactively seeing that I could end up in a position where I might have a breakdown. I don't want to be in that position. And so I'm responsibly saying, guys, I'm taking a break. Right. In order to protect myself. A hundred percent. Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense and actually is quite admirable again. Totally. And that's kind of what the message of the show is about. The message of our show is that asking for help should be something that we celebrate. Yeah. If you're struggling, if you need help, if you feel bad and you wake up and you go to a friend, a therapist, a teacher, an employee or a colleague and say, I'm really struggling. I need some help. That should be something that we give you a pat on the back. I would love to help you. I'm delighted that you asked me. And that for me, that announcement was kind of my olive branch and the press ran with it how they ran with it. But to be fair, it kind of gave me a great drive to finish the crowded room in the way that we did to like, if you're not going to listen to my personal message, then you have to listen to the message of my show. Yeah. So it kind of went hand in hand. I just wanted to do Dry January and all I could think about was having a drink. All I could think about. I was waking up thinking about it. I was checking the clock. When's it 12? And it just really scared me. I just was like, wow, maybe, maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing. So I sort of decided to do Dry January. I decided to punish myself and say, I'll do February as well. I'll do two months off. If I can do two months off, then I can prove to myself I don't have a problem. Two months go by. And I was still really struggling. I felt like I couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda. I couldn't go out for dinner. I was really, really struggling. And I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem. So I decided that I would wait until my birthday, which is June. I said to myself, if I can do six months without alcohol, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem. And by the time I had got to June 1st, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I could sleep better. I could handle problems better. Things that would go wrong on set that would normally set me off. I could take in my stride. I had so much, such better mental clarity. I felt healthier. I felt fitter. And I just sort of said to myself, like, why? Why? Why am I enslaved to this drink? Why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink? And I would look back and recognize that I would go to events for work. And I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers. And I just felt so much pressure. And this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community, because so much of it is about how much can you drink? Let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year and a half into it now. It doesn't even cross my mind. I found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic. Ones that are also really healthy. I found this one beer that it's full of electrolytes and it's, you know, the carbohydrates in it are long lasting energy. So like having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing. I'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive about it. I've never run into that scenario where my friends are like, oh, go on, just have a beer. Like you're fine. They've always sort of really supported me. And I don't want to be that person that's saying to people, you should get sober. You should get sober. If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great, but I don't want to start getting into the world of you need to stop drinking because I just, it's, it's not for me to say I went on my own little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my mom's has also given up. She's loving it. And it's been amazing. I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking. I feel amazing. That's amazing, man. I love hearing that. And I love hearing that it's been great for you, right? I think that's, that's the point. Not everything has to be like, look what I did. You can do it too. It's kind of like, no, this is just what's been great for me. Do you think it was partly that attitude for you, at least in the beginning where it's like, well, I can drink, I drink a lot, it comes from my mom genes and it doesn't affect me. And then all of a sudden you realize, well, wait a minute, it's more than that, because I think there is that, like, I was like that as a young man as well. Like for me, it was, it was easy to drink. I didn't drink daily for me. I drank a lot more socially and I love playing drinking games with my mates and that was really what I enjoyed the most probably. And for me, when I quit, I could just quickly see how it just got me into doing this. I started doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk. So for me, for me, it was more that, but yeah, I wonder for you, did you find that it's, there's a really fine line between like, oh, I know I can drink a lot and then all of a sudden you're kind of addicted, not addicted beyond that. No, addicted mate, I'm happy to say like, I was definitely addicted to alcohol, not shying away from that at all. I think anyone that wakes up and has, not wakes up, anyone that has a beer every day is probably got a little bit of a problem, but yeah, you're right. I would drink and drink and drink and drink, and then you would just reach that moment where you're like, wow, I shouldn't have had that last beer. And you wake up the next day and you have a terrible headache and you're suffering. I bought one of those rings that will tell you about your sleep. Yeah, or a ring. Yeah. And it was amazing because I couldn't sleep. I was like, why can't I sleep? I'm working 14 hours a day. I'm doing two hours in the gym. I'm eating really healthily and I can't sleep. What's wrong with me? I bought this ring and it was booze. It just, it was completely affecting my sleep. And since I've given it up, I can sleep anywhere. You know, it's also interesting as well, going on nights out and having a great time as the sober person. And then getting to that point in the night where people start, you know, spitting in your ear and everyone's like, I love you, man. I love you so much. And you're like, yeah, brilliant. I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to bed. But I love being that person now. I love seeing my friends on the golf course at 8:00 AM in the morning, feeling fresh and ready to go. And they're sort of crawling out their car. And so, yeah, so I'm over the moon to be sober. I love it. There are three pillars of adult friendship based on research that are also going to help you understand that when people come and go in your life, 99% of the time time, it's not personal. And you actually haven't lost them as a friend. One of the three pillars is missing. So the three things that need to be required to have a friendship happen are the same three things that were around all the time when you were a kid. Number one, proximity. Proximity matters tremendously. Proximity means who are you actually physically next to? In fact, they've done research, Jay. If you and I were in a dorm and we lived across the hall, I don't remember the percentages exactly, but it's like 90% chance we're going to be friends. Interesting. The poor person at the end of the hallway, 10% chance that we're going to be friends with them because of proximity. Even a matter of 50 feet makes a difference. And so when you were little, you were in proximity to people your age all the time. All day. Exactly. The research also shows that to have, as an adult, a kind of casual friend, you need to spend approximately 70 hours with somebody. To have a close friend, 200 hours. So when you're an adult, that creates a big problem. Because who are you spending all your time with once you're 20? The American Time Study shows that it's with people you work with. So why aren't we best friends with people at work? Because you have proximity and you're spending a lot of time together. But here's the thing, timing. When you were little, you were in the same timing of life with everybody. When you hit your 20s and it's now individual, everybody's on different timelines. Some of your friends are getting married. Some are going to graduate school. Some are. Now are pursuing jobs. Other people are moving out of the city, into the city. Everybody's timing is now different. And this also explains why you're almost never best friends with people at work. Because the timing is off. You're sitting next to people that are in very different times of their life. You may like them a lot and you may be friends, but you never spend time outside of work because they're at home with their family and you're going out with your buddies your age on the weekends. And that brings me to the third thing that needs to be present for a friendship to truly click and that's energy. And the thing about energy is it changes. And you can have fantastic energy with somebody and then if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energy's off. If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energy's off. If you have very different political beliefs, the energy's off. It's not personal. It's one of these three pillars and it has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to realize. that people come and go and it's a beautiful thing and you should let them. And you should really, if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate, right? Ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you, are any one of these three pillars missing? Are we not near each other anymore? Is the timing of our lives off? Is there just something about the energy that hasn't clicked? Because you can't force those things. But what I've found is that when you recognize that those are really important factors to your connection to someone else, that if a friendship starts to fade for me, it's so easy to say let them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I literally wish people well. Because the other thing that I've learned, and being 56, I've had a lot of friends come and go in different phases of my life, that you would be startled by how many people. from your past that you no longer, quote, consider friends because you haven't seen them in a very long time or things just got weird. If you actually called them, they'd pick up the phone. They would. If you texted them, the research shows that when you get a surprise text from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time, the amount of joy that you feel. And so I want you to consider if you're very lonely right now, that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your past that still consider you a friend. And if you take the approach that I'm talking about, which is friendship is your responsibility. You need to go first. Let me create the friendship and the connection that I want. And you can start by literally taking a look through your past and thinking about people that you remember fondly and just sending them a text. And you will be startled by what comes back. Because they're there. They haven't actually gone anywhere. The connection is still there. And oftentimes, even if you've had somebody where something's been off, you're like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Again, let them and wish them well. And there will be a time, I promise you, where the timing or proximity or energy comes back around again. It took me a while to learn that there's no way we could be everything to each other. We have different interests, different goals. There was a stage in my marriage where I thought that's what a partner was supposed to be. You should call me all the time. We should talk all the time. We should be each other's best friends. We should be each other's best friends all the time. Our marriage got better when I got better about that. Because I think he already had that independence, this notion of, I love you. Even if I don't talk to you today, that to me is like, I don't need that. I felt like I needed more of that. But as I got older, I got more mature, more clear about my own goals. I realized that he can't be responsible for my happiness. I have to be responsible for that. I have to define it for myself. I have to learn how to achieve it. My husband is definitely a part of that, but he is not. I cannot put him in the center of my happiness. That freed me up to let him be him and let me be me. So I have friends who give me things that my husband doesn't give me. I have girlfriends. One distinction that we have is I'm a talker. When I sit down with my girlfriends, we can talk for days. I mean, literally for days. We can take a break for lunch, but we can talk. My husband's not, he can talk, but he will come by a friendship session, nine o'clock in the morning, I have a friend staying with me. And he's like, what are y'all talking about? I was like, well, we're just now getting into our kids. And we're going to talk about each one of them separately for like an hour. He's like, I couldn't do that. He can't be that for me, but I have really good, mostly girlfriends who give me that. We will dissect life to the bitter. We will wring everything out of every subject. And he's like, I think I'm done. I was like, well, you can go be done because I've got her and we just got started. We got 12 more hours to go. And that's so beautiful to hear especially when we're young. We think that that person has to be all of that. And, and from the beginning and, or they'll become it. There's the other fallacy of like, oh, well, I know who they could be and who they could become. How much of that did you feel you had to disconnect and detach from of like what this person could be to you? Obviously not in the world, but I had to disconnect from all of those beliefs. Right. And every couple is different. I found, I know people who are each other's best friends. They, like to travel together. They walk and hold hands. And I have friends who are in relationships where they talk like every hour. I'm like, are you talking to him again? Nothing changed. You know, it's up to the individuals to define that for themselves, for Barack and I. And I think you should be clear about that because the other thing is that when we hold on internally to an expectation of the other person, we don't even share it. So now we're mad that you haven't even fulfilled something. I never even told you I need it. You know, that takes time and it takes work, which is why marriage is hard. Right. Because you'll have the tendency to live in your head and live out the image of what you want them to be. And you haven't even communicated that to them. That's just one little fraction of the challenge of marriage and friendship and all of that. It's hard. It takes time, but it's worth it. Absolutely. Yeah. I think those check-ins are the hardest. I know that there's. There's four check-ins that I try and keep a good habit around with my wife that have really helped me. One of them is every day I'll ask her like, what was your highlight today? Or what did you learn today? Something positive, something like, what's the best thing that happened to you today? I want to know because it's so easy for us to get so busy in our days, not see each other all day, not speak all day. And days can go by like that too, because we're also traveling. And then every week I try and ask her like, how can I, what can I help you with this week? Like, is there something coming up that I just need to be aware of? Sometimes it's just information. And that gives me an opportunity to also tell her I've got a really stressful week coming up. Just know that I may not be at my best this week. I'm just letting you know. Every month I'm checking in with her and trying to just say to her like, what's your big focus for this month? What's the big thing that you're working on? Then every year is easy. Like, what's your goal this year? A resolution or whatever. And I find that those questions, and sometimes every quarter I'll ask a question, which is the hardest one, but it's like, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to? And if it isn't, what are you willing to do? And what am I willing to do to get it back on track? Because I find so often, like, if you just don't talk about that deep intimacy, you're just going on different tracks. And that's why five years later, you're like, well, I don't know you anymore. And so I find that like staying in close contact. But one of the biggest things I read, which I wanted to try with you is the Gottman Institute talked about how the the number one skill or habit in relationships, and they looked at couples who'd stayed together the longest and they found it wasn't date nights it wasn't vacations it wasn't any of this stuff it was learning how to fight oh it was knowing how to deal with conflict and most couples obviously we all go well we never fight or we're never gonna fight but it's inevitable so i came up with these three fight styles and i wanted to know okay how you see yourself and how you see president obama how he would see him himself and so here the three fight styles are a venter which means i want to fix and solve it right now you like to vent but you're really trying to fix and solve it the second one is you're a hider you need time and space to think about it just want to go spend time by yourself and then the third one is the exploder where it's like i want my emotions to be heard felt and seen before we take time apart or before we try and solve it which one are you okay so i've changed over i think early on in our relationships i was more of an exploder wow i think he has been always been a fixer right the venter yeah yeah so then i would be explosive and then want to hide right it's like i want to explode let me have my emotions and then give me a moment yes right and he's like we've got to fix this we've got to you know shut this down we got to i will figure it out let's talk this through um and i love that about him especially as a man you know he is somebody that is not afraid to put his emotions out he's smart and so he knows me so he's like he won't let me pretend like there's nothing wrong because he knows i know there's something you're a little off and um but i've had to learn that exploding on a fixer it doesn't feel good to them right it just you know it feels good for me yes but it doesn't feel good for him right but he's learned that as a hider that i do need a little more time um right if i'm exploding i can't be rational enough to talk through your fixing and you if you want to fix it then i've got to be in a rational place so let me hide for a minute so i can get myself down to a fixer place yes i think that's been the trajectory of our sorting through learning how to argue if you can't explain something simply you don't understand it well enough simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence it's a sign of deep understanding as a speaker a leader a communicator a manager whatever you may be if you're able to be concise simple it will be so much more powerful remember this confusion creates resistance clarity creates cooperation if someone doesn't understand you they can't support you good communication communicators ask if they were understood bad communicators assume they were good communicators aim for understanding bad communicators aim to be right notice the difference principle three people don't argue with facts they argue with threat here's a powerful insight most disagreements are not about facts they're about identity and safety when people feel embarrassed judged or blamed their brain stops listening let me say that again when people feel embarrassed judged or blamed their brain stops listening how many times have you stopped listening when you felt that way now think about all the times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone i know i've made that mistake i constantly feel that if someone really understands what they got wrong or they were really made clear on the mistake they made that that would make them more but actually we're not listening to that because it's not factual it feels like opinion it feels personal it feels like an attack researching conflict psychology shows that once someone feels threatened they prioritize self-protection over understanding this is actually mind-blowing you think about all the interactions you have home or work when you make someone feel attacked they're only thinking about protecting themselves effective communicators lower threat first at work here's what i'm seeing tell me if i'm missing something at home this matters to me and i want to understand your side these phrases do one thing they create safety remember this people don't need to feel corrected they need to feel considered once safety is present truth can land before sharing feedback before saying something that's hard to hear before you're about to have a difficult conversation first set safety second make sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention of safety and choose your words that really align with that energy because you want to have an impact a lot of people say well i should just be able to say what i want and people should understand well if that's what you want then that isn't a relationship based on care it's not a relationship based on love it's not a relationship based on connection it's a relationship based on you wanting people to understand you but not taking the moment to understand them i think this can all change for us it can all change when we prioritize principle four questions change everything one of the most powerful communication tools is curiosity research from negotiation psychology shows that asking open-ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation statements trigger resistance questions invite collaboration instead of you're not listening ask can you tell me what you heard from what i just said instead of this isn't working ask what do you think would make this work better questions shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership here's a phrase that instantly de-escalates tension help me understand that sentence creates space where conflict used to be there are so many challenges with the growth of ai there are so many risks that it presents but one of the things that i'm grateful it has done is that it has brought humans back to asking better questions we grew up at a time when answers were everything now we know answers are everywhere and all of a sudden we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers and we're able to find answers the key to our intelligence the better you are asking questions the better results you'll actually get from ai so that's a great way for us to test whether we know how to ask good questions whether our questioning and curiosity ability is actually improving that's the goal if you can do that you will actually lead your team guide people move people in a much stronger way manifestation is clarity about what you want to do and what you want to do and what you want to do and what it takes manifestation is writing it down and then building it step by step manifestation is persistence when motivation fades manifestation is aligning your choices with your values not just your wishes if you just make it about your wishes if you just make it about what you're writing if you don't ever make it about the how right people say start with why really important you should know why you're writing if you don't ever make it about the how you're doing what you're doing you should know what you want to build but if you don't know how you're going to get there it's almost the hardest thing right if you don't know how you're going to get to the party on a saturday night if you don't know how you're going to get to your vacation destination if you don't know how you're going to build that company it becomes a lot harder spend more time figuring out the how and you'll know that you're making momentum you'll know you're making progress you'll know you're moving in the right direction see the thing is i really want you to get there i really want you to experience the joy of building something you love i don't just want it to remain a dream in your mind and your heart space that never gets to see the light of day myth number four the universe rewards wanting if i want it badly enough i'll get it it does not work that way desire is fuel but direction is the map without it you spin in circles you spin in circles you spin in circles you spin in circles circles have you ever desperately wanted a job relationship or whatever it may be but you had no strategy desire without direction is like stepping on the gas with no steering wheel the reticular activating system also known as ras filters what you notice define a goal and your brain literally starts spotting opportunities for example once you think of buying a red car you see them everywhere here's the step each morning write down three things you want to notice that day maybe new clients learning opportunities or ways to connect your ras will tune in this is so important if you have a goal to write a book start a podcast build a company ask yourself what is it that you need i was talking to a friend the other day and i'd said to him how important it was for him to show up to networking events i said if you're out there you're going to need a friend you're going to need a Out with those events, you're going to meet people, people are going to see you, you're going to get to connect with them. was avoiding it for months and months and months. He finally went to one and he was shocked at what it felt like to be front of mind. When you're present, you get to have the conversations you would never get to if you weren't there. So many of us avoid the actual action, even though in our mind, we're wondering why is this business not taking off? Why is it not starting off? Because we're not positioning ourselves in the places that we need to be. Remember, you don't see things as they are, you see them through your own fears and hopes. You don't see yourself as you are, you see the story you keep repeating about who you are. You don't see the future as it is, you see the version you believe is possible. So many of us have the wish, we have the want, we have the desire, we don't have the direction, we don't have the drive. And where does that drive come from? It comes from picking something that you really value. I mean, everyone would want to be financially free. Everyone would want abundance. Those are things we all want. But what does that look like for you? How does that manifest for you? When I say that, what I mean is, how do you envision that? How is it unique to you and how are you going to get there that's unique to you? If you connected with today's episode, check out my raw and honest talk with the one and only Cardi B. She opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced rising to fame and creating a life for her children. But you can't tell me I'm a bad mom. I'm a great mom. If I'm good at something, it's being a mom.