Before we start today's show, you should know that me and Big J. Ocasin will be coming to a city near you. Next up for me September 11th and 12th. I'll be in Fort Loderdale, Florida September 17th and 18th I'll be at Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine. Belmore, New York coming up right after that on September 26th and then after the day at Rochester, New York Vancouver and Portland, Oregon. Lots more. Go to my website, louisofskanks.com and see me on the rattle me this tour. And you can go to bigjcommy.com for all of my dates. Royal Oak, Michigan, the comedy castle. Albany, New York, Funnybone, Virginia Beach, Funnybone. Tameoni, Maryland, from McGubes. Get tickets right now, bigjcommy.com, the greatest yet for a live tour happening. Fill her up. You're listening to the gas digital network. The Ladies and Gentlemen of Story Wars, give it up for the Story Warrior, Big J. Ocasin and louis. Hey, goon man! Yes, I stole that woman's pretzel. Fuck yeah, dude. Splits now available at New York Comedy Club. Make some noise in here for me, will you, New York City? Sold out show, 68 weeks in a row, the cavernous mass of New York Comedy Club midtown. Get those tickets in advance because we sell out every single week. We almost didn't tell this one out because it's a special lead edition of the show. So thank you guys for being here. Thank you. Now I know you're seeing like five or six empty seats. Those seats were sold. They didn't show up. Pieces of shit, scumbags. They're dead, I hope. We always ask this question. How many people here are familiar with the Game Story Wars? Yeah! And who is not familiar with Story Wars? He gave her the point, this asshole. It's your lady. He really sold you out. That was crazy. So you're a fan of the show and you're like, I'm going to show you the fucking most fun night of your life. You've been here before, dude. I'm going to tell you right now, this girl is, and I mean this six or seven times too hot for you. And I really mean that. Proud of you, dude. Proud of you. That was great. It's beautiful. God bless. Anything's possible with Story Wars. You look like the average Story Wars fan. You look exactly like you should be here. Then you have this beautiful angel next to you that has no idea that on her or something. You take care of her when she was sick at some point. There's a reason. We'll find it. We're going to find it for the end of the night. Before the end of the night, we will. If it's your first time here, it's your first time listening at home. It's a very simple game. We'll explain it to you when we get our amazing panel of contestants up here. Are you guys ready? All right, your first competitor coming to the stage, returning with a record of one and three Story Wars. Story Warrior himself. You know him from the regs. You know him from a special small ball on YouTube. You know him from his amazing podcast Tuesdays with stories. Clap it up as much as you can for the one and only Joe list. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. Joe, you're back on the show. You are Story Warrior. You know what it's like to taste victory. I do and come. But also, there is an asterisk to one of those losses because Bobby cheated. We all know that. Bobby, did you, so you should technically be two and two? I can't do the math. You're one and five. Yeah, yeah. Two and two. Sorry. It felt like too many moving numbers. But yes, let's just say for the good of the show, I'm two and two. All right, we'll say it. You know what I change it in the record books. But you are Story Warrior nonetheless. Absolutely. And you and I went to overtime at the festival. That was awesome. Yeah, that's two. Wow, it was a slaughter knocker. Wow. It was huge. Our next two contestants you might know from their film Super Troopers. Super Troopers 3 coming out very, very soon. Make some noise. We are so excited for the great Kevin Heffernen and Jay Chandra Sekar. Thank you. Thank you. Gentlemen, very excited to have you here. I'm excited to have you here on Story Wars, making your Story Wars debut. I'm a fan. Thank you. I'm going to really fag out here. I fucking love Super Troopers. Oh, thank you. Jim Gafferkin. Thank you. The Miao Sin. The Schnauzberry Sink. Like Schnauzberries. I mean, holy shit. Thank you. What a fun. What a fun guess we have today. Yeah, it is a great crowd. Hell yeah. They love you. Oh, they're always hyped up here. Look how excited these people are. They have no idea. Fuck yeah, dude. If it's your first time here or your first time listening at home, it's a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have some of the three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject. The police. Ooh. Why? Why the police? It's through it, dark. Alex. Alex. Oh, man. I could have been a bit of a story. You could have been a bit of a story. I genuinely tried to think of a story involving the band, the police. Oh, I didn't even think about that. I could have Jesus. So somebody did don't worry. It's not mine. Yeah, we really got a section of all said that so fast. Or it is yours. Ooh. You cock sucker. Alex, I lovely producer is going to read off eight of those stories. At random, they will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It's your job to make people think it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess who story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So if it's your story of an opportunity to get four points, do not squander that opportunity. All the stories are pulled in random orders. You can have one story, two stories, three stories in a row. You can even have zero stories pulled. You've had a winner that had zero stories on the show. So it's genuinely all randomized. Once you type, once you tap the name right here on your tablet and slide over the slider, slide it over. That locks it in. You can't change it. We actually don't have the technology to change your answer. Put it right here. Let everyone know you voted for. Okay. That's basically that. And I'll tell you right now. This is so much fun. Jay, Joe, Kevin, years are going to have more fun than you've ever had in your entire life. But guess what boys? We're not playing for fun. Jay let him know what we're playing for today. Oh. Every week. Yeah. Just to heal it. It's so warm. Yeah, it's terrible timing. She's taking like 10 seconds before every week. Every week. Here on Story Wars, we're playing for a book from the Story Wars Library. Tonight's winner takes home locked up but not locked down. A guide to surviving the American prison system by Amaraya Jackson, Latomic Seven. Are those guys white? No. No, no. Locked up but not locked down shows us the raw, gritty American prison system with real accounts from over 80 people who were sentenced by a judge to receive prison rehabilitation. With this book, you'll be able to avoid violence, navigate prison politics, and most importantly, stay ahead of the rival ops. Locked up but not locked down. Is there a connection? Like a relative write that or something? No, it's just from our library. We have a vast library. In the bowels of the New York comedy club, it just holes and holes and holes of books. We bring a few of them up. Leave a book, take a book. Thank you. Lewis, if I win, you can borrow the book. Thank you. I appreciate that, Jim. Man, you are in a shitty hotel when there's a leave a book, take a book. No, yeah. Somebody in my neighborhood has a leave a book, take a book like mailbox in front of their house. You. Yeah, it's crazy. You should fucking whack it with a baseball bag. That's how much I hate books. I think everybody who is going to get it gets it. It's just crowd ready for war. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. That's it, are you ready for war? Yeah. The rival ops. Alex, story number one. Okay. Story number one. Once while driving, very drunk, I pulled over and asked a police officer for directions. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say that this is my, I don't know Jay and Kevin that well, but they seem like upsanding guys. They have a lot to lose. Joe Lists is a herpes ridden piece of shit. Yes. He's a massive drinking problem. All some guys love to drink and drive. And, uh, and he's an idiot. So he would do something like this. He also is not. He's not breaking out right now. So you guys are cool sitting there. Yeah. I've been sober for a number of years. Right. But this does seem like one of the stories where you're like, you had to stop because of this. Well, I will say that it's obviously not me, but now it's not obvious, but it's not me. I know it's not Lewis, because Lewis would never admit to being lost. Oh, you're such a man. That's a good point. Oh, yeah. And I don't know these guys. Yeah. So that's it. So you're eliminating me, but nobody else has yet. That's right. Jay, you're very silent over there, Jay. What's going on? Well, I'm trying to silence you. You really hit on something that I think is dead right, which is that. Are you the only sober one at this on this thing? Yeah. Yeah. Nope. I'm two days sober. She's a fuck off. Congratulations. Congratulations. I swear on my son. You're going to drink tomorrow. No. Get him up here. Somebody get him. Yes you will. I'll drink in Spain next week, because I'm going to sense the bushel either way.
He's not drinking today, he hit rock bottom when the cop gave you the DUI and then I know the rest of the damn story That may be true. No, no, he hit rock bottom when he's shitting a woman's shoe and got her purse. Yeah. Yeah, it's true And fell through her table and then he gave her the people's elbow, too That was his rock bottom, but this was like on the way to most people they have rock bottom stories There's about five or six like they always have the fewer they go and you think I would have stopped there Next thing I know I'm like I didn't get in that much trouble for shitting that shoe. No, I did drink for three more years after shitting in a woman's shoe Oh, I didn't even know that yeah, I've always told the legend No, I kept going it sounds like this is the bit that we're making up Joe actually shit in a woman shoe. Oh, yeah Yeah, we were on a date He's romantic. Yeah, yeah, it was a shit and some strangers. We're here a second date. I think that's really well No, no, there wasn't but I did send her $300 in a birthday card for the shoe Yeah, I feel like the Worth it money should have been a little more than that I thought it was pretty much all the money I had at the time, but Crazy Joe that you also went right from there to an airplane. I flew across the country from New York to Seattle to participate in the news This time's up Did we lose What was that oh god the shuttons down in real time everybody they're hacking our sister No stories this shows too dangerous no and then on the way to the airport I was drunk and I asked to cut off Fuck It's a joke. Oh, I get it. Yeah, anyways. I did fly to Seattle with shit on my leg And I didn't realize on the middle of the flight Everybody else yeah, yeah, yeah, I crossed my legs and was like oh and I uncross my legs. I swear to I swear to everybody in this room And I told just Jake it back this up. I shit my pants tonight. Really? At home watching puller this season one episode two with my sister and my son. I was on a three-day fast. I had a couple meatballs They'll do I tried to do a little silent fart lifted my ass. I'm not even just like you know what you fart and like a little bit comes out it went And completely filled my pants was there's something that was going out in pluribus that made you It's a terrifying thought you're the last person on the world. Yeah, that's true This is a fast that includes eating meatballs this wall at the eye ended to fast with some meatballs I think you're supposed to ease in with maybe bone broth. They say bone broth, but he jumps right into meatballs with a lot of her gut Yeah, we're good. We're good. Well, yeah, I think we found the problem right there We have find the Coke this does seem like a like a drunken Boston Joe list white No fear of the cops. That's true. It's not me. It's not Jay. We fear the cops. That is the fact Well, the thing I say I said about Jay is that he doesn't necessarily fear the cops because he's played a cop and the cops kind of like him Well, they might be it might be him. I don't know it could be like he's a guy who's like I have no fear of the cops I'm gonna ask him for direct. Well, it's not me because I've never driven drunk Wow, I believe that too He may come from a very stern family who doesn't subscribe to things like that. Oh, your family just subscribed to driving drunk Yes, they're from Philly. Of course, dude, I'm a really trash dude. How else are we gonna get home from the fucking birds game? Come on, dude. I'll take a water rice. That's fucking no of me out Gavin if you ever driven drunk before I get before I officially get my books I think I know who it is. I'm not just not only the fat. I don't need to know the facts I'm very good at this I drink body-brain coffee to get my body and brain prepared for their show every week And I will tell you right now. I've already read who it is But I will just ask Kevin. Have you ever driven drunk? Yeah, I'm yeah, sure. I'm cool. Haven't we all he's Kevin's a sleeper pick in that me because Kevin again We don't I don't know Kevin very well So we know mostly from his like from the roles and this is what your characters would do for sure Yeah, and you do you make these films with your friends so they write things everyone writes things for you to be you So this could real we could all be fuck up, but this I don't know why am I so I think this is Joe Well, please put your vote up for Joe because I am putting in my vote for Kevin I saw it right in his eyes when he looked at me It's either it's either him and if it's not him he wants to have sex with me that is a fact I read people so well, and I felt something. I'm okay with that I genuinely think it's Kevin also I think he tipped his hand in the cops love us we can do it on yeah and So I'm going to take on three votes for Joe list two votes for Kevin Alex story number one is down who Is story number one? Story number one belongs to Joe less I'm sorry. How much did I mail of this story? Well, I flipped you at least so I got Yeah, it was it was it was pretty much that I was driving and it was a speed trap The cop was kind of pulled over on the side and my buddy was following me This is long enough for girl that you didn't have Google Maps So I was the directions but then I got fucked up and so I pulled off to the side because I thought hey I thought it would be funny, but also I was very good at disguising when I wasn't drunk In fact, I've been drunk for 14 straight years the whole sober things Oh shit, so I pulled over the side of the run. I walked up to and I actually like leaned it I was like hey, man, we're looking for the thing because I felt like if it was so bold He would never suspect that I was drinking. Yeah, it's not a terrible move. Well drunk. Where are you though? Like how terrible move? I take it back It's a chance there's a chance it's a terrible move. Slightly drunk I would say you know what you put it that way you're right. It is a terrible move No, I was I am I'm more that I'm the guy who starts like admitting I try to give to as close to the truth as possible. Yeah, so we can get the fuck out of this So I I get your move there It's like let me engage with them They would never think a drunk person would willingly engage with the cops in a highway Well, I was I was it wasn't the highway was like a side road in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, but I was Drunk like like slurry word. No, no. I was like well over the legal He was saying slurs, but he wasn't That's how I got away with it, it wasn't as it chooses. Yeah, of course. I was like what is that? That's actually a sobriety test there would you mind taking a few of these tests for me look at this pen cap and say the end words The top of the pen don't move your head Did you get the directions I got the directions and it was a good move because I knew he would know the way Yeah, and I thought like there's no way he's got to be like what kind of drunken fucking lunatic would walk up to a cop car when he's drinking So it worked out great if you You've got to win it. Yeah, I got the direction if you would have been and it's a fucking it killed if you would have offered you a police Escort dude you'd be a legend and you would still be drinking an awesome right now. Yeah, that's true But we were back in the bar and I was like, yeah, please ask her like well, how much is that gonna cost me a shot? Used to be beautiful. Look at you now responsible father I want it. We got to take a moment to recognize what a horrible Good. That was a good joke. Hold on. I was so rough up my own thing. I need to do it. That will be edited out. No No, we go raw footage we go raw footage on gas digital. You can watch it. We watch that joke the I missed the joke. Could you repeat it? No, it's okay. I actually didn't hear it either I was thinking of my own thing for Joe. So if you can hang it one more time 100% of the people missed the joke. Yeah, I was bad Alex were appointed after one story Sad all right in last place with zero points Lewis J Gomez And fourth place with one point Jolis Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff And tied for first place with two points each big J. Ocarson Haven half a minute and J Kendra say car Guys, if I win could I be in beer fest too? It's one of my favorite comedies of all time. Yes, definitely. Thank you Thank you swear to God you promise you said it on wax nails real Alex story number two Story number two I Called the cops on my neighbor and told them that if they didn't come I was going to hurt him They explained to me that I had committed a crime with that threat and I hung up the phone on them This is the elevator pitch on Lewis if I'm being honest. I will say this does sound Exactly like it's so you I don't think this is you listen me if if if if this is me I am going to literally make this my entire personality moving forward. This is incredible. I love this to on the nose though I am well. I mean look here's the deal like I'm supposed to you know, I'm supposed to trick you guys You're right. Okay, so I would say vote for me. Okay. Okay. I like this is let me say something and What we did Lewis has had multiple roommates called the cops on them one of them for a threat with a knife And then when the cops got there they came upstairs and they saw the knife and he goes yeah, I have a knife It wasn't just that my roommates that I'm going to your room to take your cable box out because I was moving out And I wasn't gonna pay the cable bill anyway, and I was like don't call my room I'm gonna fucking kill you and then he went on my room anyway So that I came home and I put the knife on top of the cable box as to say touch the cable box I'm gonna murder you with this knife. Right you can't find a several
that's how I'm in New York, you know what I mean? You gotta send a message you can send. Yeah. So here's the thing, I think I'm getting revived that Big J wrote a story that he's trying to make sound like me. Oh, it's not a bad idea. This is a move that we've been doing this game a long time, right? We do this to each other, and this is not me, and it sounds a lot like me. And also James got major anger issues. He did the road rage incidents. When I look at it, I was, and I'm reading it again, like I couldn't find myself in this situation for sure. I'm gonna say something very bold, and I don't know if this has ever been said in the history of the show. Well, if this isn't Lewis, I'm gonna cut my dick off in front of everybody. But now we have that on video here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We also have hedge trimmers here, so we're good. So you're Dicks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, once again, the whole thing is, you call the cops, you don't say, "If you don't come, I'm gonna take matters into my own hands." Lewis would. That's what I'm saying. This is like, it really reeks of him or me pretending to be him. I'm puzzled. Me too. Because I know it's not me, but of course it could be me trying to sound like him. I'm heard that. But he could just write this story because he's a fucking lunatic. He tried to buy a used car, and the guy who was selling it to him pulled a sword out on him. Jay, why do you-- I swear to God, that's true. I don't understand the guy who said this. He pulled a samurai sword and unsheathed it. Because you know what it's about? It has to taste blood or it can't go right. That's right. That's the Bichito code. It has a slice flesh. I forgot about it. Did you leave out some parts in that story? He leaves out all of the cut. He makes it look like I'm-- All right. He bickered about the test drive, and then a guy pulled a sword out. Yeah. All right, that was all of it. That was the whole sword. That was the rest of it. I'm very hurt that no one thinks this is me. I can fuck it. No, it's hands, dude. I'll beat the shit out of anyone in here. No. No, I don't see you as-- This comes from a red. I see me and Lewis both in a state of anger that goes like, "Hey, I'm trying to do the right thing, but I'm actually going to go over there and kick their front door in a second." So you have like six seconds to get here, before I fucking take the lawn of my own hands. This is so big, Jay. I am delivered. One time in the East Village, a guy was shitting onto my stoop, and I grabbed him by the collar and threw him in the police station. You know what they told me? They go, "Doblazio says that's not illegal anymore." They were mad at me. I mean, so you guys have been famous for a while now. This is not a recent story if it's one of you guys. This is like college age, something like that. Kevin, do you have a little bit of an anger streak? -Uh, only when I'm drinking. -Okay. -You should ask Jay if Kevin has an angry street. -Jay does Kevin. -I'm just going with my gut because it's not me, and it sounds like me, which means it's Lewis, and I'm going with Lewis. I believe in this. -I believe in this. -Oh, you're already locked in and do not. -Jay does his cleaning the fuck up. You guys are fools. -It does. -Oh, my God. -Oh, you got Kevin going. -Oh, shit. I put the -- -All right, I meant to put BJ. That doesn't -- -No, no, no. -That -- Sorry. -You don't have the technology. -Sorry. -It's the same name. -No. -Now. -I lost a game like this one. -This is little Jay. -This is little Jay. -Security. -Security. -Remove this fucking asshole. -Security? Give this guy the coolest guy award for getting a chick eight times out of his league. -Fuck you. Fuck your hot, girlfriend. I'm done with this show. -Damn, dude. This guy's body can't believe that woman's on top of him. -That's crazy. Every time. It's wild. And she says a lot of things like, "No, you have a man's body." I've heard all these things before. "No, you have the body of a man." -Yeah. -A manna tea. -Oh, my God. -A manna tea. -Is that what you meant? Because of my walrus mustache? -All of our answers are fine. I'll take the fucking hit. And by the way, when it's Big Jay, I'm counting myself ahead two points for the rest of the game. Just so you know, asterix, I win. Anyway, Alex, who's story of story number two? -Story number two belongs to Lewis and Jay. -Did it matter? -It didn't matter. -What a drop. What a little fucking thing you put on right there, though, huh? That was a one-man show on the nose. I'm lost. -Where are my friends when I need them most? -It didn't even matter which Jay you put on. -It didn't matter. -It didn't matter. -There was a lot of-- -You put on the shoe. -What a show. -What a show. -Well, he's going for his egot this year. -Yeah. -And I'm keeping my dick. -You're keeping your dick. So, yeah, Jay, you might remember this story after I tell more details of it. It wasn't just my neighbor. I lived directly across the street with the same roommate who left the knife on his cable bus. -I was directly across the street from-- -In the Manhattan, right? -49th Street, like, 11th Avenue. There's an auto body shop directly across the street. The auto body shop only worked for midnight until eight in the morning. Now, here's the thing. It's like, who gives a shit? They would keep the garage doors open. And would it be a word of that tool? -Oh, he is. That's him. -He's like a sonic boom echo into my window. Dude, it was fucking crazy, dude. I called them. I was like, dude, and I didn't just say I was going to do them harm. I said, I'm going to murder them with a hammer. -Okay. -As I held a hammer in my hand. -Well, I'll be honest with you. -You should have said you're going to murder them with something else and then killed them with a hammer. So, they'll be like, well, that guy's not a suspect. He said, hammer. And this is a hatchet murder. -Kill them with screwdriver. -This is a knife murder. -So, yeah, I was like, I'm going to beat them to death with a hammer. You need to come over here. And 911 was like, that's literally a threat. We're going to come over and get you. And I was like, ah, then I hung up the phone. And I was sitting to the-- -Bro, he's-- -Zoo, zoo, zoo. -But I'm here. -I'm here. -Was that like the first call you made to them? Or was it like us? Because you could have just told them to close the garage door, right? -No, no. I went over there. I screamed at them. I saw it yelled. I did a lot of stuff. -Okay. -I had the fishing knife that my roommate feared. I was crazy. -They didn't understand him at all because he's a Puerto Rican but speaks zero Spanish. So, he went over there, cursed him out in English. And they were like, gay? -I don't understand your fucking mumbo jumbo. Why does every tire have to be changed? -Okay. -Are there any other problems with cars? Or is it all lognut removal? -It's fucking-- -We hear. -We hear. -It was the worst. Alex, where are points at? -All right. In last place with one point, Louis J. Gomez. -Okay. -Okay. -All right. -In fourth place with two points, Kevin Heffernin. [ Cheers and applause ] In third place with three points, Joe Lis. [ Cheers and applause ] And tied for first place with four points. Each big J. Okersen and J. Tronjes. [ Cheers and applause ] -J. On Jay. J. On Jay. -I'm sorry, Alex, what'd you say? Uh, the lovely Seraphina, everyone. The hottest child in the world. -She's a pedophile decoy. [ Laughter ] Oh, those feelings you just felt are for a child. -That's right. -Okay, story warriors, let's take a quick moment and thank Chubby's for supporting the show. We love Chubby's, okay? Some are maybe winding down, but it's not over yet. So take your thighs out for a farewell tour with Chubby's. Chubby shorts and swim trunks are the best option you're ever going to have. Made with lightweight, quick-drying fabric in bold prints and colors. Chubby's is wrinkle-resistant and comfy enough to wear all day long. You're not going to wear it. Not going to just the bathing suits, but their actual shorts themselves are just great. -No, they're nice. They come at a range of inseam options. You know, I like a bit of a longer short experience. -Oh, I like to show my Chubby thighs. -Oh, yeah. Comfort confidence and thigh exposure, all with the perfect balance. They don't just make amazing shorts and swimmer. Again, their hoodies, rugby shirts, button downs. They're going to keep you comfy from the beach to a night on the town. Whether you're getting dressed for your workday or workout or summer vacation, Chubby's has you covered. For a limited time, Chubby's is giving story warriors $20 off your full-price purchase with our code wars. -W-A-R-Z at chubby shorts dot com. Don't blend in with the crowd. Stand out with Chubby's. -All right. Let's take a quick moment to thank factor meals for supporting the show. Designed by dieticians and prepared by your real chefs. Take out all the guest work. Eat great. Eat healthy. Eat anything you want. Ready in just two minutes. What is there not to love about factor meals? I've been using factor meals for years. You know, we get home late. We work a lot. Don't have time to cook. You don't want to just eat fast food and a bunch of crap all the time. I mean, factor has meals like, uh, what is it? The dishes they have here. Lemon butters, steelhead trout. Wow. Bison pork sausage and smoked gudagrits. 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It's a mouthful. FactorMeals.com/WARZ50 OFF, wars 50 off, and used code wars 50 off to get 50% off. So you're getting a lot off. When they put you through all that work, you're going to get 50% off at the end of the day and one free breakfast item per box for a year. That's while supplies last in October 31st, 2026, one more time that's code wars 50 off. W-A-R-Z50 OFF, wars 50 off at FactorMeals.com/Wars50 off. Let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors over here at the show. And that is Sheath underwear, long time--a long time--sponsors over here at Gas Digital in general. Give your tired on these, your poor nuts, your huddled shafts yearning to breathe free in a new pair of Sheath underwear. Lewis, you've stood by Sheath from the very, very beginning? I know. Whenever you do wear underwear, which is rare, you like to swing free. You are in Sheath underwear. With that patented two-pouch technology, your dick and balls will thank you. And now you can celebrate America's 250th by supporting a veteran-owned business while you support your dick and balls. Bring freedom to the worst region on your body with Sheath's dual-pouch system, one for that general and one for the soldiers. With Sheath's seasonal colors and new patterns in Sheath's classic material, you're going to love how you look, you're going to love how you feel. They carry all sizes from extra stromal to 3 XL, and they even have sports bras and women's underwear for the ladies. All you're going to do right now is go to Sheath.com to save 20% with the promo code wars with A-Z. Once again, Sheath.com, promo code wars with A-Z for 20% off. They give you a first pair of guarantee, which is great. So if you don't love them, guess what? You get your money back? That is belief in a product if I've ever seen one. Sheath.com/ Wars with A-Z. All right, where are we? Alex, story number three. Story number three. I was in Louisiana and some cops asked me if I wanted to go shoot some guns with them. We went and shot machine guns into the Mississippi river. We had to stop because someone called the cops on the cops. This has to be Kevin. This sounds like Kevin just wandered through Louisiana and some fans got fucking waist-toaked and you just said yes. This is tricky because it's for sure Jay or Kevin. Why? Why? No, not you. Other Jay. This is going to be fun all night. Yeah, we're going to call him Jay for the rest of the night. We're going to call you Faggot for the rest of the night. Okay. We got to figure out a movie in theaters. Little Jay. Little Jay. Little bleep it on the YouTube. Oh, it'll be bleeped. They don't know what I said. It could have been the N-word, it could have been the C-word. Yeah, N-word Jay. My old Mark Twain character. Don't forget to also bleep the one you said three words into the show. Yeah, yeah. Also get that one. Yeah, you know, you hammered that pretty early. The N-word? No, the F-word. You got super-upcept because this guy was with a hot chick and you're lonely. No, I'm not lonely. Stop saying she's hot. I thought that'd be funny. Nobody laughed. Now it's weird. That was wonderful. We're very hot. We're known to laugh it's genuinely just the meanest sound of the planet. Well, she's front row and fairness. So no, everyone back says like, damn, did you just call her out? Because she's actually busted. But we see her. She's very hot. I'll say from behind, she's probably even hotter, to be fair. Absolutely. Also 20% shot, she has a wang. That's not because of you. That's because of him. I'm trying to make rationale of this. Are you a beautiful hot guy who I'm not seeing it? Yeah, I don't know. This is the story of a lovely guy who transitioned to a hot woman who fucked the fat guy. Where's that aisle? I want to go to that girl again, Zile. This is a story of a celebrity that people got excited to me. Shooting machine guns. Here's the thing I'll tell you. I know for a fact, not Big J. Okay, Big J's never shot a machine gun. I watched him shoot the tiniest little handgun. Two shots. And then he had to go outside and sit down and smoke a cigarette and think about what he just did. I gave Lewis my bolts and I go, you finished. Dude, this is violent. And I'll tell you only because it's Louisiana. I do believe this is Kevin or Jay, but I will say because it's Louisiana. If this was a thing, this story would have ended with like, hey, you want to come and shoot some guns with us? And then they would have like fatten them up and chase them to the woods with guns. It's the Louisiana. It is. So this is Kevin. That's a great boy. And it's they were surviving the game. Jay, you convinced me. Thank you. It's all thank you very much. It's also a very funny story. Lewis is out. This guy is funny right now in 2016. Okay, Joe Liss votes for Kevin. Jay votes for Kevin. Kevin votes for Kevin. But Kevin might know something that we don't know. For sure. I could know something. I know that Jay worked in Louisiana for a long time. Son of a bitch. But it didn't say I lived in Louisiana. No, no, worked. He worked. I was in Louisiana. I got it. Alex directed the Duke's of Hazard in Louisiana for five months. Oh, really? Fuck. Wow. Shit. You know, I wish we would have known that before I voted. You know, you know, who was the fifth lead in that movie? Wow, who was it? Go on. Jessica Simpson. Oh, I keep going. Sixth lead. 12th lead. Alex, all of our answers are in. Who shot guns with cops in Louisiana? Story number three belongs to Kevin. I don't know how this fucks up the story, but Jay was there. I don't know that fucks up the story. I shot machine guns into the Mississippi River. With me. Well, when I was both of your stories, well, we were we were shooting the Duke's of Hazard and it was our lunch break and these kind of sheriffs from Baton Rouge came to your trailer and said, Hey, you guys want to go shoot some guns with us? Lunch break. Y'all want to shoot machine guns? And so we drove down to the Mississippi and the guy pumped the trunk and pulls out these like M16s and hands him to us and we shot these machine guns into the banks of the river and to the river. It was like, it was deafening. It was deafening. And all of a sudden, their radio started lighting up because people everywhere were calling the cops and literally, no, it was the cops that were doing it and that ended our. By the way, that's awesome cops. Those are the cops that like you get on their good side. Yes, but that's the same department that like go like Rambo, like they want Rambo out of town and then they hunt him in the woods for the next six months. They hold him down and then it's like that. Yes, so it's got a cop, but if they like you, you're good to go. So they're dirty cops. Yeah, dirty cops. But it was it was a lot of fun. I'll tell you. I mean, there's a lot of fun. Machine guns. Yeah, they're big, big, big guns. I'm not a gun guy. So I was like, what the fuck is this thing? It's a lot. I'm very afraid of them. The solution's told you and embarrassed me in front of all these people. It's true. And this guy's hot girlfriend. Real nonsense. I feel bad because this guy has a crazy hard girlfriend too. But sir, you guys match way more. This is the story. This is the story over here. You guys, you guys met doing bachata that forbidden dance. These two met when he was walking out with like a slice of pizza hanging out of his mouth while he was holding an open pizza. And she just came off of like, I don't know nannying for a Swiss family or something. I don't know what she does. She definitely sucked the father off. Alex, three stories down. Where are our points at? All right. And last place with two points. Kevin Heffernin. I didn't play that right today. It's early. It's early. And fourth place with three points. Lewis, Jay Gomez. Jay hates when you guys every time you've done that. I look over Jay's facing is like, what the fuck are they doing? I understand where they're barking for fourth place. Like it's like right. Good point. Good point. He's right and you're all wrong. Yeah, good point. It's a good point. And third place with five points. Joe List. Play clap. Two and two. Two and two. And tied for first place with six points each. Big Jay Okerson. And Jay Chandra. Say, car. Somebody just asked chat TPD for phonetic spelling. We went over a backstay several times. Oh, you don't realize that our producers are drug addicts. They are really. They're fucking flying high right now. They don't know where they're at. Oh, excuse me number four. Story number four. When all my legal troubles went away, I started really enjoying talking to cops like they were pieces of shit when they deserved it. It's the most
- Most white I ever get to feel. - Huh. (audience laughing) - That seems like a trick. - It was Big J until that last line. - Yeah, but that feels like a trick. - So maybe it is Big J. - It seems like a trick. So maybe it's still Big J. - It's still Big J. - But the whitest thing that you feel J is not that. It's probably being white. You're white. That's why I'm thinking it could be J, but that'll be crazy. - I don't get a lot of white perk, particularly from cops. - You need perks, Alex has ton. I'm gonna tell you right now, I gotta go to the desk. - They're drug addicts. - They are drug addicts. - No, I haven't had cops. - I was never been very, very nice to me. - Yeah, but you're still white. - I am white. - Yeah. - But some people look instead of you white. - True. - What, 'cause you're Jewish? - Yeah. - Yes. - And the shorts. - Yeah, my shorts. - Which do slap of Wu Tang? (laughing) - No, this has got to be Lewis or Jay. This is a brown person saying, that's not how I feel. - I don't think Lewis is out of legal troubles. - It's just, right, they didn't go in a way. - That didn't go in a way. - They didn't go in a way. That's wild. - Yeah, my legal troubles are right in front of me still. I have so many. - This guy is really dealing with a lot of cases, right? - Yeah, dude, I mean, here's the thing, I'm getting a big J vibe only because I know big, here's the thing, the only thing that I'm thinking of big J, I think that the white thing is just a thing to throw us off at the end. The big J literally talks to cops, like they're pieces of shit now. I've watched big J go to cops and be like, "Hey, do your fucking job, you scumbag." And he loves it. He enjoys it. And it's simply because he has no warrants out anymore. All of his tickets are paid enough. - Most of my life, I was always a pullover away from spending the weekend in jail. - But why does the last sentence throw you off? Like what's the, what do I don't know? - It's the most white I ever get to feel. I just feel like it's something to make it seem like the white guy didn't put it in. - But now it sounds like it's Lewis. - Please, I want you to vote for me. You dumbass, waste your vote. - Last time I did, I fucking won. - Good. - Put it in. - Put it in. - Good. - I'll be honest with you, I didn't think it was you at all for some reason, but as I'm rereading it, it makes sense to get very much for you. 'Cause you aren't an illegal trouble. - You are going to get your glasses back. - You're going to get your glasses back. - Look at the acting on him right now. That's incredible. Dude, beer fast too, watch out on theaters next, 2027. - Big J. - I can't, yeah, I don't have a better solution than this. Big J's the answer. - Don't come. - You say J. Chandra's hate car. - Yeah. - Really? - Woo. - Well, I just think it doesn't feel like J to me. I think you're right about the legal prompt, but though I think it might be you. - Let's see. - Dunno, dunno, dunno. - Alex, all of our answers are in. Who's story is starting number four? - Story number four belongs to Big J. Oakerson. - I know. - We know. - Man. - It feels like that's in your voice. - Yeah. - I think it feels like it's in your voice. - It is. - I'm more just one of people to know this is how I roll. (laughing) Also, you said it was funny as, he goes, he was like, actually he was like, I always get along with cops. And then I said, I was like, no, J loves being shared in cops. He was like, I do. - I do. - I really do. - I couldn't wait to take it. - I really do. - When all my legal troubles went away, I lived on fifth street in the East Village across the street from a police station. And how much I would love like be, they would hold spots for themselves on the street, like parking spots with cones for their home cars when they came to work. And that's just, you can't just do that because your police officers, that's not what they can do. - I think you can do that if you're just a normal person. I think you can just bring a cone and do that. - You can, but if someone moves it, there's no argument. So I'd move the cones and I'd park. And they'd go, you can't move. Then I'd go, sure I can. Show me the law of this as you get a whole parking spot so on a public street. And then they'd go, they'd go, well, you could at least come over and ask. I go, ask to stop you from doing something illegal officer. (audience laughing) And then there was a girl cop who was just going up and she goes, you could ask first. They'd go, I don't have to ask anything, you dumb bitch. (audience laughing) And then the main cop, the cop who wasn't a uniform, the guy who had like the shirt and tie with the gun, recognized me and he goes, come on, Jay, come on, go easy on her, I go, no, I'm gonna go easy when this dumb fat Puerto Rican bitch gets back inside and cleans the fucking the park. And she's like, he can't just say that to me. And then the cop, I'd go, it's not really, really, do about it. I go, tell her to get that cone and get it back inside. You dumb bitch. (audience laughing) And then I went in my house and fuck, it's so great when you have no fucking warrants, dude. I had his eyes. I was riding dirty, I was riding dirty from like 17 to 36. 17 to 36, riding dirty when cops pull me over. I go, yes, thank you very much. Of course, I'd love for you. - You would take your ID and you go, you're like, oh my God, there's a chance I'm going to jail for the weekend at least. - If they came back with a ticket for $7,000, they'd go, thank you so much, my hero. Thanks for not arresting me. - What, how did you legal jumpers go away though? They just kind of-- - Paid it off eventually. - Yeah, I did enough to kind of get rid of it all, but God, damn it, dude. And then I just started uncorking on these dummies. (audience laughing) - Yeah, that's where he was very big, Jay. - Four stories down halfway through the show, Alex. Give us our points, please. - It feels like there's a middle, there would have been a middle ground there, Jay. A little middle ground. - There could have been, sure. - Look, everything in life has an over-correction. You know what I mean? - It really does. - When things are bad for so long you over-correct, yeah. - That's right. - I didn't know this about you. This change is everything. (laughing) - It might not long your son's got a father. (laughing) - That's all the classes. - In last place with four points, Kevin Heffernay. (audience cheering) - That was a good round. That was a good round for him. - Tell you I got out of it there. - Good round. - That's all right. - Tied for third place with five points. Each Lewis Jay Gomez and Joe List. - Okay. - All right. - I'll fight even my way back. - I'll fight at it all. (audience laughing) - In second place with six points. Jay Chandra Sacar. - Okay. - Okay. - Okay. - Wow. - It's good. (audience cheering) - And in first place. - Kevin, who are you saying? - No, hold on, hold on. - Jay literally, when he's losing, he goes, "It's just a game, I'm trying to be funny anyway." - I don't know how to say anything. - It's a comedy show. (audience cheering) - Yes, yes. - In first place. - Are you here for one of the nights? - Yes. (audience cheering) - If my story for Jay is losing, he'll throw his hands up and he'll go, "I'm not even playing anymore. I'm just gonna make fun of everybody in the panel." - He won't even play. - He wants the book. - We're hundreds of shows in. - I've won seven times. (audience laughing) But I'm in the lead a lot. And I just wouldn't fit out of hard the way it is. - Sorry, Alex, I cut you off. We know it's Jay, eight points. Got it. Halfway. (audience cheering) - Let me say something, buddy. (audience cheering) Oh, Mr. Sadass is where he's not gonna take home locked up but not locked down. Which argues that survival isn't always about being the strongest person in the cell block. With rival gangs and corrupt prison guards, your survival depends on reading people. Controlling your emotions, using your environment and understanding violent flawed system. (audience cheering) - Halfway through the show. Let's go around, let's do some plugs. Obviously you guys got a brand new movie coming out. Super Troopers 3, very excited about this. Please, take a moment, plug it, let everyone know where they can see it, when they can see it. - It starts this weekend, August 7th. I guess you can go tomorrow night though, Thursday night. August 7th, theater near you. In theaters, trying to bring comedies back to theaters. Good old fashioned rated R comedy in the movie theaters. You don't see that anymore, right? - I also have a standup special coming out on August 20th, on beeps. It's called Brown Supremacists. - Awesome. - There you go. (audience cheering) Have you done standup your whole career? - Yeah, since I was 19. - Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Joe Liszt. - Uh, boy. Come on, baby. - Well, you don't have a fucking movie? - Come on. - Here's the thing, I have a child. I'm usually in REM sleep right now. I lost it. I got fucking fell asleep for a second. But, I mean, Portland, helium. - It's gonna come. - Joe Liszt. - Don't wait for the boys. - Wait. - I don't know. - Wait. - Next weekend. - August, August, August. - This won't be up for weeks, but it's okay. You saw Joe, he was great. - Joe is so good there. - September. - I'm doing things. - Sometimes it's September. - September, I'm doing a thing. - Check the website, right? - Guess why? I can't get ahead in this business. - Punch-up.live/johnlist. - Absolutely. - Hell yeah. - You got that. - Uh, of course, go to bigjcommunity.com for all my dates all over the road. Constantly, of course, listen to the bonfire. Affection talk, Series X and 103. With me and the great Robert Kelly five days a week. And, of course, the flagship show over here at Gastigital, the Legion of Motherfuckin's Gangs. Hell yeah. (audience applauding) - Skankfest, soon. - Skankfest, coming up guys. To see story wars to open up a Skankfest, we're doing at least two or three story wars at Skankfest, the number one comedy festival in the world of November 13th.
for 15th. Give those tickets. All access passes are just about to be sold out. If you guys want to come for the entire weekend, this is the only way to go. It's going to be the biggest and best one we've ever done. Everyone from Shane Gellos to Tony Hinchcliffe, the great Joe Liss, Big J. Ogerson, Vagan, R.E. Shefears returning this year. Eric Andre making his debut. Christina P. Freshly single. I'm going to fuck. All I know is that it's going to be, dude, I would love for you to spend the rest of your life spending Tom Sikker's money, dude. That would make me happy for some reason. Click those tickets at skankfest.com, made possible by your creator, yourcreative.com, home with the Sikker Keylove. And the world premiere of Skankfest Dog. To see the Skankfest Dog before anyone else, you could watch it at Skankfest, which is going to be incredible. Thank you very much. There you go, Liss. Come see me live in the road, go to my website, sign up for my mailing list. And the most important thing of all, if you love the show, we do an uncensored and ad-free version of the show, the lovely Sarah Fina, bringing Big J as popcorn. Grotogastigial.com, we have an app for iPhone and Android that we're just, we just did a bunch of new features on all the apps. You get the uncensored ad-free version of the show, plus you get pre-release on all of our episodes every Monday night, a brand new story, where this episode comes out. And there's probably about 120 episodes, I'm sorry, no, but almost 100 episodes that are unavailable anywhere else anymore. So go to gastigial.com, check out the entire on-demand library, all ad-free, uncensored, end-of-one place, use the promo code wars, save a couple bucks a month, sports show directly. Jay, let him what's going on with the second half. Well, I'll tell you, Kayle, you're probably worried that you're out of this game, but you're not. I feel strong. You are one swing away from dominating this game. The first half of the game almost means nothing. I'm figuring it out, I'm still figuring it out. Well, it's fine because you had for it to figure it out, and now you've got the final four stories where we go double points. Thank you, roots. Thank you, roots. The roots, not paid enough to be on camera. You guys, before you get two points for guessing, I started directly one point for every person you fooled. Joe, what happens now? It's double points. So I understand it's truly anybody's game. Truly anybody's game, Alex, fucking bring this house down. Here we go. Story number five. Story number five. I was speeding to a gig and a cop pulled me over. Instead of giving me a ticket, he gave me a police escort so that I would make it there on time. He gave me a police escort and how much did she cost? I'm going to do this joke five more times tonight. It's going to get funny by the fifth time. This has to be Jay, not Big Jay. Big Jay would have told the cops to fuck off. Yeah, he would have had butted the cop. All right. Fuck you, I don't need an escort. Took his gun shot him at the chance. This isn't shot my dick off confidence, but it's. No, that's how you say his name, it's Shonda. You do your name is Jay Chopp, I dick off. You thought that's how you say it? That's retarded. You are from Boston. Wow. Racist. This is take a boot in the asshole if I'm wrong. Confidence. I got to be honest with you, I always slept my initial thought first and it was Jay for sure. Well, I just found out just now you've done stand-ups since you were 19 years old. So that was the big. Going to a gig. Going to a gig. Yeah. But Kevin a lot of people know as an accordion player. Yeah. So. I have a lot of. We're not poker season. He's also done a lot of stand-ups. I mean. I also played the accordion. Lots of. It's so many gigs. Yeah. So many gigs. So many gigs. It's likely one of us. Yeah. I think that's the problem. What about Joe here? Yeah. All right. He does a gig in Portland there. I do a gig. Yeah. Every year. Yeah. Every year he shows back. I don't argue. Those Portland cops are awesome. They take gay to helium as fast as you do. You guys do. Gags too, by the way. Yeah. But he. I do not. [laughter] 100%. And I'm telling you, if we were like in a roundabout in traffic with the cops that are standing outside of like a slipknot concert, they might give me a police escort all the way to the place. But generally speaking, I don't think I'm getting a police escort. I'm not being recognized. They. it's the same thing as the guys who showed up with the machine guns. You rolled down your window. They're like, "Oh, it's you. It's a super trooper." We're going to give you that score. That's what this story is. It's just trying to figure out which one of you it is. At this point, I'm going with Jay. Candaceca. I think I'm going to agree. And it's just. I'm going to just play the numbers here. You haven't had a story yet. That's going to be my vote. Kevin also votes for Jay. Jay votes for Kevin. This son of a bitch isn't who it is. We do. They've cheated. They came in. They cheated beforehand and they were like, "We're going to tell each other this story." Well, we've known each other since we were 18. Yeah. It's a big deal. Like, we were there for all the stories. Yeah. But to be fair, me and Big Jay, I've known Big Jay since I was 22 years old. And I. now Lewis has paid much closer attention than I have, because I've got to be honest with him. Big Jay doesn't listen. Every day is a new adventure at this show where I'm like, "You did that?" He's like, "I've said it on our other podcast a thousand times." I know that I can literally send in stories that I've told Jay. Where I've been like, "Well, I've been like, "Jud, I have to have a serious talk with you." And I sit him down and one-on-one tell him an in-depth story with tears in both of our eyes. He'll never remember it. I can just submit that every time. Sometimes he goes, "The antagonist in the story is you." That did happen. He ate my ex-girlfriends pussy behind my back. Anyway. That happens. It wasn't mine. It was behind my back. No, I wasn't there. You're right, Jay. I didn't know. You know. They even had a thing. He's a liar. And she wasn't even hot. I wouldn't. She was gross. Okay. Okay. He didn't even get his dicks out. He ate ugly girl pussy. But then, I'm a pleaser, because I like to, I like to give, I'd rather have the girl leave being like, "Oh, that was a good time." That's how this guy got that girl right there. This guy has eaten so much more pussy than he's gotten his dicks sucked 100 percent. You're a generous lover. Generous lover. All of her answers are random. Who's the selfish? I'm so excited to be in first place alone. Oh, no. Really? Alex, who story is it? Oh, no. Story number five belongs to Kevin. Kevin. Come on. Damn it. And am I doing this right? Am I doing this right? Or am I misread? Okay. Okay. Okay. Fuck. It was me. It was me. Okay. Okay. Damn. Fuck. It was me. It was me. It was me, it was me, guys. There was a little. I think I put too much detail in it. They edited it down a little bit to make it more vague. But anyway, we were promoting beer. He was like, "I, Kevin Heffernen, it was speeding to a game." That's exactly right. That's exactly right. We were promoting beer fest at the time and we were throwing out the first pitch at the Padre's game. And so we were driving down from LA. I was driving alone. I was driving from LA and I was late and you can't be late because it's the first pitch of the baseball game. So I'm speeding. I get pulled over by cop and about 20 miles from the stadium and he's like, "Where are you going in such a hurry?" And I said, "Well, I'm throwing out the first pitch at the Padre's game." And he said, "Who were you to throw out the first pitch at the Padre's game?" And that was my chance. That's when you sneak in the super troopers. Like, "I am Vincent de Nafrio." Yeah. That's when you get it in. Yeah. And so I said, "I made a movie called Super Troopers." And so he said, "Oh, okay. Hold on a second." And he walked back to this car and he came back a few minutes later and he said, "Would you like an escort to the stadium?" Oh, yeah. And I said, "Sure." And so he drove me to the stadium and when I-- It was great. It was great. And I got to the front of the stadium and there are all these cops line up there. And I got out of the car and I'm like, "What the fuck are you guys all doing here?" And they said, "We heard. It went out over the radio that far ever got pulled over by the cops." And we wanted to make sure that you got here in time to throw out the first pitch and we're excited to be here. So I got the red carpet treatment from the cops. Yeah. Wow. Make a movie about cops and you get treated well, that's the way it works. You parked your car on the side. I just left it there. I just fucking left it there. Some cop parked it for me. The two black people in the audience just hate this fucking show. That's just appalled by all of this. Alex, five stories down. Give us our points. All right. Tied for fourth place with five points, each Lewis J. Gomez and Joe Liszt. Fuck. Okay. I can't get to break today. In third place with eight points. Big J. Ocarson. Third. That's it. Third is crazy. And Tied for first place with ten points. No, they're cheating though. I think I made a big jump there. I think I made a big jump. Yes, if me and big J came in and secretly told each other which ones over the stories we would also be. Oh, be salty. We said we wouldn't get salty. No, I'm not going to be salty as far as I'm just saying. Don't be salty. We are scared. You don't be salty. This is so unfair, because I don't have a friend on the show. Odd men out. Odd men out. Wait a minute. Use it. Use it. I know this means nothing, but I was way ahead of this guy. He picked the wrong name. I picked the right name.
and he's somehow tied in first. - Yeah. - I don't know the rules. - The points make no sense. - Oh, no, I'm okay with it now. (laughing) - Story number six. (upbeat music) - Story number six. I found a box in my bush with a sign that said yes. I could see red lights and wire in the box, so I called the police. - The bomb squad showed up. (laughing) - Again, this is Kevin or Jay, 'cause there wasn't no way you guys have a bush. - Well, I got a bush, but I don't know if I'm famous enough for someone who's sending me mysterious packages. - I said yes. - But I don't need, it might not be your package. I mean, it could be somebody else's package, right? - You're just in a bush. - The idea of Big Jay and Lewis having like hedges is just insane. - We literally both have homes in New Jersey with tons of bushes. - I've got so many hedges, it's crazy. - What would yes me? - Right. - I could see red lights. - Well, 'cause it's you. - But yes. (laughing) - So we've established that we all have bushes except for Joe. - Joe is your best man ahead. - Joe lives in New York City. - Okay. - So he doesn't have a bush. - You don't have a foliage. - No bush. - There's not to be a hedge, you could be like a bush in a pot. - My wife is a massive bush, but I feel like. - Ah, folks, you have a bush? - Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it's a big. - The box might have been in your bush. - Bush is big. - If there's red lights coming out of her bug and bush, would you call it Bob? - It says yes on it. - Yeah, her box always does say yes. - That's your kink when the bomb squads sees your girl naked. - Real nice guys. Real nice. You know my wife. - She's lovely, she would never. - This is definitely one of these guys. - I mean, I wonder why you say that. I don't know why you say that. - We have, look, the reality is, I'm just gonna wait 'til these assholes vote, and then I'm gonna follow their lead. (laughing) - I'm gonna put your name down. - Please. - What about that? - Wish your vote, because we both know it's Jay. (laughing) - I think so. - That's my guess. - That's it. - It might be me. - Yeah, I mean, this is such a strange story. - It's got bushes too. - Yeah, you guys got bush. Where do you guys live? - LA. - I live in the Hollywood Hills. - Hollywood Hills. - Lots of bushes. - So much. - I have hills with that bush, I'll play that much. - I'll push up there. - Hedges and Charles Manson's family. - That's right, very close. - Very close. - I feel good. - Skylililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililililil. Hey, you guys have a buzzer. - I just feel like this is, we gotta get a story from it. - Number six belongs to Jay Chandra Seikar. (audience cheering) - 50/50 chance, right? - 50/50 chance. - So what happened here? What was this mystery box? - Okay, so I came home from dinner with my wife and we were walking up to the house and my children and the babysitter had gone out for ice cream, whatever. That's what they were doing while we were at dinner. But I come home, kids are inside. The babysitter has just left. She goes, "Hey, I'm leaving." And there's a box in the bushes with a sign that says yes in lights. And I'm like, "What the fuck is this?" So I go inside and my wife's like, "Go look at that damn box." So I take a flashlight, I'm looking in the box. There are all these wires in the box and all these red kind of lights, like LED-ish kind of lights. And I'm like, I come back inside, I'm like, I don't know, it could be a bomb. And she's like, "What are we gonna do?" I'm like, "Well, we gotta call the police." - He's like, "Cut the blue wire." - I mean, yeah, yeah, it's like that. - If the liquids start combining, run, so we call the police and then we wake our young children up three of them and we all go outside and the police start showing up, now look, the police are super, super fans, right? So one showed up, then two more. At the end of it, there were 11 vehicles, including a bomb. - Kevin's car parked on your part on your front line. - All the police officers' wives also showed up. - No way! - There is a truck, right? And I saw a bomb robot crawl out of the truck and start roll, and I'm like, "Uh-oh." And then a helicopter flies over the house. And I'm like, "Super troopers, huh?" And while the robot is going towards the box, I've been trying to call my babysitter, 'cause I'm like, "Do you know what I think about this box? "Not answering." She finally calls me, she goes, "Oh, yeah, that's our box from Coachella." You know, like we put up a little sign that says, "Yes." "Positivity." And "Inside a pressure cooker full of nails." And so I tell the cop, I tell the cop of my, "Hey, man, that's my babysitter's box, it's Coachella." He goes, "Too late, the bomb robots deployed." And he goes, "We're blowing that box up." (audience laughing) The drug, this thing had an arm it dragged it into the street and blew the damn thing up. - My babysitter's box is my favorite porn title, by the way. (audience laughing) Also, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't explode it. - Yeah, they have bomb robots, so which is great. You know, I guess, but apparently they're coming for my job. - What are you, what are you, what are you, a fanping? - You see the body, what are you trying to kill? You trying to kill time while fucking Alex figures out the next story or something? - We put it up a few bad jokes, I don't know how to do that. - We put that bomb robot gag into Super Triple Three, which is coming out of Augustine. - Yeah. (audience cheering and applauding) - Alex! - Story number seven. - Do you guys want the scores? - Yeah, what scores? - Oh yeah. - No. - That's alright. Where did the scores? - In last place with five points, Joe List. (audience cheering and applauding) - It's okay, it's okay. - In fourth place with nine points, Lewis J. Gomez. - Nine. (audience cheering and applauding) - Tied for second place with 12 points each. Big J. O'Grasson and J. Chandra Seikar. (audience cheering and applauding) And in first place with 14 points, Kevin Heffernin. (audience cheering and applauding) - From worst to first, baby, worst to first. Here we go. - Lewis, I still have a chance because of double points. (upbeat music) - Joe? - No. (audience laughing) - You are pretty much the only one who can win right now. - Anybody else's game except for John does. He can't. - Two stories, that's absolutely good. - No, there's one story left. - Two stories left. - Two stories left. (audience cheering and applauding) - Kick the security. Security. - Damn. - He's right, dude, you're an idiot. (audience laughing) - Annoying left guy, I let you be here, even though you have a distractingly Annoying left. (audience laughing) - It's a problem. - I can take the show away from you. Don't you ever cross me like that. - In front of the super-trippers again. (audience laughing) - Dude, you look so dumb in for a super-trippers right now. - I'm like a fucking idiot right now. (audience laughing) - Story wars, let's take a second and thank one of our amazing sponsors for the show. And that is GLD. Summer's almost over, but sick as Joey from GLD is forever. 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To this day, I don't know why I did that. I don't like the police. Lewis, this is definitely you, dude. Jay, you saw what I was saying, it's me every time. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't fuck you. I don't get involved like this. Do you think I'm tripping a clue? You love being involved. I love justice, and I will say that. I will admit that I love justice, but so do you. I love justice. So this is a good smeared-and-this is a good smeared-and-thing, then, right? I mean, really? No, it's the impulsive actions of a lunatic. Okay. Okay. Okay. Lewis, this is Lewis. He's wanting to be involved. He saw a thing happening. How do I get in? We know you don't like the police. We know Jay. Jay doesn't like the police. I'm not, I'm not involving myself. People every time. Everyone knows that, dude. Blue lives matter. That is true. There you go. No, Lewis. There you go. He honestly got, he was the queen's chapter president of Blue lives matter. No, but not liking the police doesn't mean you like criminals, right? I mean- I don't like criminals. I love justice. I don't think the police are- I would not. Here's the thing. I don't actually like the police. I don't give a shit. I don't dislike the police, but I don't give fuck. I'm not getting involved to help the police. That's insane. I just got involved to get involved. That's nuts. But that's what someone would say if they didn't know why they did that. Right. He's lost. He doesn't understand it. I guess you're right. He's tortured. Jay lost his pay. Jay is playing a hard game right now. And I'm going to tell you right now- I wouldn't put my foot- I would just observe the fucking- All right. I would observe the process. That's how it is. This is Lewis, buddy. I'm getting big J vibes all day long. Fuck. Lewis is going to start catching up. All right. Fuck. I think it's big J, but I got to play some- I got to pick someone different. Oh, yes, right. You do have- Look at me. So I'm going to go- On my heart. On my soul with some- Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. I'm going to- I'm going to go- I feel like you- I am sensing that you feel horrible for me because I'm doing so poorly. It's not me, dude. Big J votes for him. Oh, no. No, well, what? I'm going to- Joey, that's the guy with my heads. I'm so- We're two days away. Let me tell you something before you read these things. Lewis is so thrilled that he fucking- you- you- you- you- look at this fucking face. Go ahead and then this- and understand why you- remember when you guys met him and you instinctually didn't like him? Yeah. That's- Oh, yeah. This is what it is. This is what it is. This is this moment. He lied to all of us. Okay. And he shit his pants. Oh. And shit his pants. Sure. Alex, who's story of a story number seven? Oh, he's so proud. Story number seven belongs to- Lewis, Jay Gomez. Yeah, I mean, that's it. I'm just a piece of shit and for no other reason, dude, I was a 34-year-old back in the day when I was selling comedy on tickets, but I was like 20. And just- I saw a guy just like taking off and cops, two cops behind him being like, "Stop, and I just went- I went- I just put my foot out. He tripped, rolled over, they jumped on top of him roughly, and I was like, "Why would I do that?" And then I just disappeared into the crowd on 34th. Where does you like that? Where did that man go? It was- it was the craziest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I would have been on the criminal side. I was a criminal. I was committing crimes that day. Didn't you do something like that? Yeah, I did. I tackled a guy who stole a purse from a little lady on my- That's great. It was like on 16th Street. Thank you, guys. Thank you. That must have felt fantastic. Yeah. It was great. Like some guy grabbed the purse and he was just running and I tackled the guy and I grabbed the purse and he ran away and I gave the purse to the old lady and she was crying and she hugged me and then she walked away and then I walked around the corner and I was just another guy again. And the reality is you did the same thing because you were a good person. Thank you very much. I am a good person. That's why you did it. No. He just likes to be involved. It was- It was. It was being involved. I think it's an act. It was bizarre. I think it's an act. It was all bizarre. At heart, you're a good heart. Deep down inside I really am. Alex, seven stories down. Should I get two points because he did do the thing kind of- No. What's my story? What's not my story? We're a point set. In last place with five points, Joe List. In fourth place with twelve points, Jay Chandra Secar. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you. In third place with fourteen points, Kevin Heffernan. Okay. I dropped. I dropped. Okay. Okay. Alright. It ain't over. In second place with fifteen points, Lewis Jay Chandra Secar. Oh. Did I have eight? Did I have eight? Did I have eight? Did I have eight? Did I have eight? I got six. I got six. I got six. Big Jay. I got six. Big Jay. I got six. Big Jay. I got six. Big Jay. I got six. Big Jay. Most people never even see. It asks when it really takes to hold on to your manhood, your sanity, and even humanity. Is there a chapter on how to not get rid of everything? I think it's essentially off funneling towards that. When every other freedom has been completely stripped away. [ Cheers and applause ] Anybody's book? One more story. Are you guys ready for your final story of the night? Come on! [ Cheers and applause ] Alex, story number eight. Story number eight. My friends and I used to pretend to beat down a friend on the side of the road until someone called the police. [ Laughter ] Oh, that's just a great -- a great -- like for no one else that's just fun for you and the police come back, we're just kidding. They have to leave. You just wasted our tax dollars, I love it. All right, we would walk -- we would go to the mall, the palestines and the mall and me, my friends, would act suspicious. We would be doing -- we'd just literally look over our shoulders at security, we'd get them to start tracking us, and then we would take off running to have security chase us. We weren't doing anything illegal. It was just for the fun of getting security to chase us. So it's you? [ Laughter ] I think the key word is "pretend" here, though, 'cause some people here may actually beat down a friend. Yeah. This strange -- this feels like Joe. There's some hollabaloo that Joe would get caught up in in Massachusetts. He was a good boy, but his friend had done pieces of shit. He pretended to beat them. It really beat them. I did have the thought that this feels like Lewis, but Lewis and his friends would just beat the fuck out of each other. All right. No, Lewis didn't have any friends, dude. And the ones here were all going -- There's a bunch of fucking him and, like, five gothic girls just fucking dancing and smoking cigarettes. Yeah. Listening to the cure. Listening to the cure and being sad about shit. And Lewis would write, "Me and my friends, not my friends and I." That's true. Way too proper. Joe, but aren't you talking about this? I'm the only published author on this panel. That means nothing! It means everything. I'm a published author. Fuck! [ Laughter ] And this book is probably about quantum physics or some smart Indian shit. Fuck! It's exclusively about quantum physics. Mine's my memoir for my childhood with, like, 80 typos. Fuck! Oh, by the way, the story -- some of the stories are just wrong. [ Laughter ] This is another Jay or Kevin. Oh, yeah. Joe, you think Joe is trying to push it off right now? You think Joe is a silly boy. Here's the thing about Joe. Especially to Joe.
Stronger drinking days, this is you and your friends being hilarious. This is truly no harm, no foul. This hurts nobody in the world. I watch Joe list, pull an amazing dramatic turn in the Louis CK directed film 4th of July. And Joe's casual, he's doing it right now. I don't even care, you guys. One album. Nothing to me. He's fucking doing a great job. I see right through your bullshit, Joe list. I see through your bullshit, big J. So here's the thing, I'm going to act like I think it's Joe as well, but I do want to be big. I want to take it away from J. So the only way to do that is to vote for somebody besides Joe list and the off-chance that it's somebody else. It'll make me-- I held your son like this. He's 13 now, all right? Yeah, it was yesterday. He held him like that. So proud of him. I'm so proud. He's underdeveloped for sure. It is strange to hold a 13-year-old like this and go and tickle his belly and ask him if he loves Uncle Jay. But yeah, I mean, at the end of the day, I really think I have to just go with somebody else. So-- Got to move. I have to. Got to. That's it. I'm not-- I can't. It's-- you think it's big J? Yes. Oh, me and my friends. Big J is not-- Big J is one of the funniest people on the planet. I love it. But not a story. But Big J is in a silly pants. Yes, silly pants. He never has been-- No, they're silly-- silly shorts. They're silly pants. They're silly shorts. He's just not like-- this is-- this is something that me and my friends would do. This is like 18, 17 years old. Just being fucking silly, I said, Jay was a wicker, grew up in the hood. They didn't do this where he grew up. There was no way it's Big J. I think-- Cartier, like Iverson. Somebody's about to get a lot of points. Yeah, I mean, I'm just-- I'm going to go with Jay over there and-- This Jay. That Jay, yeah, yeah. It's just-- He calls him Jay over there instead of saying Jay to say car. I'm going with Jay over there. Same thing. Same thing. Jay changed my diaper. This is going to be big for somebody. Let's-- who's story was story number 8, Alex? Oh, this is so good. Oh, this is-- oh, it'll feel so good if I be bitching right now. It'll just-- it'll crush him, and it'll make me feel so good. It is not me. It's really not. It's definitely you. Oh, fucking. I feel like it's Joe. Alex, who's story was story number 8? Story number 8 belongs to-- Joe Legge. What? [CHEERING] What? Fuck! [CHEERING] Hold on, hold on. It's not official. It's not official. Joe, tell us this story before we find out who won, because I can't do math. Well, the story is the story. We used to do this, but the funniest part of the story was-- it was me and my-- a bunch of my friends. But one of my friends name was Mike Leary, and we were beating the shit out of this guy. And everybody called the police like immediately. Because it looked like four guys were just stomping a guy. But you were fake beating him up? Yeah, we were just fake beating him up. But then the cop that came was his current, at the time, girlfriend's dad. [CHEERING] And he was like, what the fuck is going on here? Killing my son-in-law? And I think he would have respected him more if he was actually beating a guy. Like, he was like, what the fuck? These guys were fucking horse-in-around, both of them. What the fuck are you guys doing? But it was fun. But this was in the way Rodney King had just said. So big gang beaties were like-- No, no, no, I'm not saying that was-- Why don't white gang beatings in Boston? No, but like, it was-- Fish bar. --something you were seeing as a bunch of people kicking a guy. So we were like, oh, we'll do a thing when we're all kicking a guy, and then the police came. There's a parody. I should have thought-- You put your one for the black face, so you make sense. It's a brought up the Rodney King thing. That was a misfire. But in the '90s, it was common for a bunch of people to be kicking a guy. I'll just say that. It was at different time. Girls going wild was popular. Reginald Denny also. That's true. Reginald Denny. I feel free to hear Reginald Denny. Great story, Joe. It might make the coffee table book eventually. I love that story. Alex, make it official. Where are points at at the end of this amazing game? All right. In. Last place with seven points. Joe List. [APPLAUSE] Those story warrior. Can't take away that one victory you have, my friend. Yeah, two. We decided on two. All right, two. Thank you. In fourth place with 15 points. Lewis J. Gomez. Wow, place. Wow. Hey, hey, good. Fourth place is the third loser. Hey. Oh, great. The statisticians are leaving. Hallelujah, bro. Wow, you, buddy. Oh, what does adult swim start in 10 minutes? Those guys got to watch anime. See you in the parking lot. [LAUGHTER] They just got to know who came in fourth. That was it. Now they're out. Alex? Jeez, sorry. And third place with 16 points. J. Chandra Seikhar. [APPLAUSE] In second place with 18 points. Kevin Heffernan. [APPLAUSE] Respectable. Very respectable. That's a high score. Very respectable, bro. Very high score. And your winner tonight with 20 points. Big J. Open set. [APPLAUSE] Speech, the big moment. Speech. Speech. The big moment. Number eight. Speech. Speech. You know, a lot of people when we started the show didn't think I would get to the second hand amounts of wins. But here we are. Three whole fingers into my second hand. [APPLAUSE] I couldn't have asked for to be on a better night. Former story warrior Joe Liss joining us. [APPLAUSE] Kevin Heffernan and J. Chandra Seikhar. Super super super super super super super three. Go watch it right now. Thank you guys so much for being here for Story Wars. I'm Big J. Elkerson. I'm Louis J. Gomez. Until next time, good night. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING]
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