Jared Freid Is Still on His Parents’ Family Plan | Whiskey Ginger

Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by Fandall, hey, Whisk Jinge fans, I am doing one more glorious show. I'll be in Mesa, Arizona at Sloan Park, where my glorious Chicago Cubs play in the spring training of their baseball season with Dave Sheppell. Do you know David Sheppell? I'll be opening for him. He's somewhat known in a standup community. Dave Sheppell and I on October 18th, please come see me in Mesa, Arizona, where my Chicago Cubby Spring Train. I love you. I can't wait to see you out there. Go to Andresantina.com for those tickets or fastballcomedy.com. Either way, Andresantina.com for those tickets. I'll see you there Mesa. In here we pull Whisk, Whisk, Whisk, Whisk, Whisk. Oh, that creature in the gingerbread. Sturdy Ginger. Like that has the ginger gene is a catch. Ginger's a fugitive. You only five dollars for the whiskey. 75 dollars per hole. Ginger's our hell now. This whiskey means extra one. Ginger, I like ginger's. Let's jump and welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guess is one of my favorite people in earth. I said for all my guests when I meet him once again today, it's Jared Fried. A pleasure to be here. So good, man. All right, talk that talk about me last night. I just want to watch you. I'm fascinated by you. Why? I just, you're Ferris Bueller, dude. You're Ferris Bueller. You get along with the jocks, the dewebes, the, the, the losers, the nerds. You, I mean, you talk, you hang with Marin and Rogan. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's, I just, I was thinking about it. I was like, I don't have that. I don't have that ability. Like when you were in high school, did you get along with like people older? Were you the guy that like, hey, the juniors are having a party and you're like a freshman? Yeah, I was, yeah. Yeah, that's you. I, I, I was like, I was like, this guy gets along with everybody. It's not a comedian's normal. I get along with, okay, so I was, well, I was a, because I like you and I, when we, before he met, started to wrap. Yeah. I was like, I don't know, I was like, I don't know your deal. Yeah. And then I met you. I was like, that guy, great guy. Like totally what you, you see is what you get and a lot of people, you don't get that. That's true. A lot of us, you don't see it. Well, for me, I was always, I was a, I like drugs and partying, but I also like sports. Right. So in high school, my best friend was the kid I smoked the most pot with and ditched school. Right. And then I would also go to basketball. You know what I mean? Right. It's hard to like, parent that into your kid. You would want to parent your kid. To do drugs and do sports? Right. But that mix, like never, you can never, it's tough to even that out. Yeah. Like, you can't aspire to that because you'll be like, you'll have a fuck up kid and people will be like, what happened? You're like, I tried to get the mix and like, I was always a little bit of both. Yeah. I love sports so much. But I also had the artsy, artsy thing inside of me that I, that I really, really like. I'm like a, I'm like a, a Josh Hartnett movie from like 2006. Yeah. And you're not being like, this isn't like, you being cocky. No, this is who I am. I like drugs and sports. Right. Yeah. That should be merch. Drugs and sports. I do. Well, it's just a little bit of each. You're not crazy about either. No. Like, usually someone who's like, I like drugs and sports is a liar. Like they're a grifter. No, I like drugs. You're not doing that. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. And because I, when I like, when I sniff grift, that's my merch. Oh, you sniff grift. I sniff grift. Oh, wow. I can sniff grift better than anyone. I can't. I turn off. I turn, I go into my turtle shell. I'm like, I can't do it. And there's so much grift that I sniff. Give me some, give me some grift that you sniff. I don't know. I just, sometimes I just get like, I've had, you know, especially because I do a dating advice podcast. Yes. Where I'm being honest and I'm not being grifty. So I, I look like a douche. Like every time I talk about dating from the male point of view, it's an icky thing to talk about. Why? Because it involves sex. It involves looks. It involves not really, you know, you're not the hero. You know, like the hero is the guy who gets married and falls in love. And nine out of 10 times it's, ah, we dated and I wasn't sure. And now you're just like, women hate a guy who can't make a decision. Yeah. And that's most guys. That's everybody. Yeah. And put it in a position. So then when I see the people that are like men being like, yo, man, I just like, I can't find a date. And this is like the hot dude. I'm like, stop it. Stop it. You call, you call grift. You sniff the grift. I sniff the grift. So back to you. Sniff the grift. I just, I'm like watching you with Marin last night and you're like making fun of his shoes which, deservedly so. They were horrific. They, nobody, and Marin like, I don't know him. He seemed like a really gentle nice guy like I liked his presence. And then you're like talking about like, yeah, back in the day, you, you know, Rogan tips like a million dollars to the waist of it. I'm like, this guy, like Marin and Rogan hate each other and you're the clue in between. Not anymore. They've made up. They made up. They've made up. Yeah. And we were, we were a puzzle piece to that because we had said I had talked to Mark for, you know, a long time about, I didn't ever understand this hate. Like you can disagree with each other politically, socially, whatever your disagreements are. But I think their, their beef goes far back to like the Boston day. Like way, so younger guys like us have no idea. There's a lot of. Yeah. There's so much baggage to that. Yeah. That's crazy. That's why whenever somebody criticizes it from a level at, at our younger love, you know, we're close in age. I'm a little bit older. But like when our generation criticizes, I'm always like, you have no idea what these guys lived through. Like that's like saying, I've known, I've known Tony Hinchcliffe since he was, when he was a doer guy, you know, like we know people from back that people have no frame of reference currently to no, it shapes your relationships now totally. And it was a different relationship because we're more careful. Yeah. Like even me being like, I can sniff the grift. Like we have cameras on at all time. We're taping every conversation. Yeah, we're doing this. Like we're doing this. Like there's someone watching listening. You know, they were just like, if they hated someone, it was had out. Yeah. There wasn't like a fear of like, you know, the tick-tock of like, you won't believe how it went down. Like this, like, this like guy on Reddit being like, I heard, you know, so they really told each other what they thought of it. Yeah. And then there was no evidence to back like I think Ari, I think it was a rumor that Ari pooped in someone's car when they got into a fight. And you're like, man, where's the camera on that? I do want to see you put in a car. Yeah, and are any Ari rumor is believable? It's all true. It's all true. It's all true. And he's in that kind of zone where you go, yeah, okay, I'm sure he's shitting all four of the seats. Yeah. No grift on him, by the way, that's real. No grift on Ari. That's another grift. What you see is what you get out of Ari. I tell you. I tell you. I tell you. I tell you. I tell you. Those are the comedians I like the most. Yeah. Like, and, you know, it's hard to be successful and no grift. Hard to be successful with no grift. Yeah. I'm looking at you and I'm like, I'm fat, you know, that's why the Ferris Bueller thing. I'm like, I like that. That's a great take it. You should play like an older Ferris. Like, I think I would say younger Ferris was older too, though. The fact that he was in high school, you're like, he's like had 25 years old. Right. And Sloan Peterson being high school student, you're like, don't fuck with us like that. You know, like, come on, we don't want to, you know, we want to be assholes. Cameron, I think, look up the ages, I have old, they were when they shot that. Cameron, that car, the whole movie is just like, perfect. It's perfect. It is a, like, it is a sausage king from Chicago. Do you remember the name? It's home. Come on, dude. You're Jewish, right? I am. Hmm. Was it on all beef sausage? It was a very Jewish name. Who was the sausage king in from Chicago? This is crushing me because I want to know. I'll give you the initials. A-F. A-F. Allen Fried? No. Was he my uncle? Abe Froman. Abe Froman. Hey, now I'm the grifter. I'm like, you griff this movie. That was a grift out. I was just saying, do we want to guess what who was oldest out of Cameron, Sloan and Ferris? I think Cameron was the oldest. And then I think it was Cameron, then Matthew, then Sloan. I don't know Sloan's real name. Sloan, yeah, what was her like next movie? Like she, remember? Nowadays we were talking about the girlfriend of session. She's now rogue in the, we were talking about that last night. And it's like, nowadays Sloan goes in the Ferris wheel of the day off and you're like, we got to put her in everything. She's a Marvel girl now. That's where, if Sloan was today, she would immediately be a part of the Marvel universe or the, you know, like she should be a franchise. Right. You know, that she, yeah, she's a franchise because what is it? The oldest is Cameron. Yeah. You got it. 29. 29. The 30 year old guy in high school. Yeah. Matthew Broderick was 23. I was right. I was right. Okay. Mia Sarah, who played Sloan was 18. Oh my God. She was a high school girl. And she didn't look 18. I mean, she looked like an adult woman. But back then they all looked like, I remember watching an interview because I was obsessed with Carson when I was a little kid. My mom would say like, I'd watch it, but I didn't understand it. But I like, I liked the rhythm of late night for some reason. Well, sometimes when you're at that age or when you're younger, you like just people, especially I think a lot of comics, if you become, you like people being funny. I just like, yeah, I like the rhythm of the show. Right. Like something about it. Like I know I've sign followed that. You know, I'm watching sign followed that I'm like, I just like that I'm like, in here, watching this. I just like that I'm here, you know, like it is true. You're like embedded inside of it. Yeah. And the rhythm of Carson was always very kind of frenetic and fun and late night kind of diverted from that, which is that's why I started to hate late night because I was like, what happened to this kind of loose awkward letterman did at the best? Well, their podcast. Well, Letterman did it the best though. He was awkward and weird and would put people, when he was younger, young Letterman was incredible. And then he kind of got a little. a little bit more packaged, but he was still the letterman's still the king. But I watched a Carson clip pop up with Carson and Rickles. And he's like, how old are you? What close to the same age? And I'm looking at these men remembering in my mind, I'm like, they're 70 years old. - Right. - But they were 38 or something like that. Look at that clip, it's like, they both, - Oh, there's so much of that, George Costanza. - You're like, how, I thought you were 1,000 years old when I was a kid. - Right. - Golden girls, they all-- - They were like 45. - Yeah, they were like, we're like the Golden Girls 8. - We are, I know, it's so weird. - And we're like, oh, they're talking about sex. It was like, yeah, they were like 50. - Yeah, they were like 50 or a limit. - They should be doing, like-- - But that Rickles clip through my, blew my mind. I was like, they were, you know, and that was the old joke that he goes, he says, you know, God said, make him successful and make him struggle. You know, that old, it's like a famous clip, but he's like 37 or 38. And you're like, how are these guys younger than me now? - No, I know, what do you think it is? Is it skincare, hair care? Is it body care? Is it the way we dress? - Yeah, well, it's, we're in 4K. Back then too, everything wasn't such bad. Like, you didn't see these people in person. So you saw them through the lens of cameras and TV and it was so grainy. You didn't, you really didn't know how old people looked. - You think that's it? - I think it was a part of it, yeah. Because, and they also dressed so much older. - Look, we dress like children, it's also cigarettes and hydration. No one drank water back then. - God bless, you don't need water? - No. - You don't need no one needs water. But look how we dress. This is, it's proper, you're wearing pants in a shirt. - No, I know. - But like, guys in, I'm 43 in a couple of months, a 43 old man back then was wearing suits. - And his belt was above his name. - He was at his tits. - Yeah. - He was right in a titty belt. - Yeah, you remember that when you saw your dad putting on a titty belt? - Oh, I did. - Your dad changing in the morning in his fucking pants. And he had a pants line. - Almost his tits, like all the way up here. - Right at his nipples. - He was unbelievable. - Titty belt. - Great merch. - Titty belt. - Titty belt. We're just rack it out there. - Titty belt, I like drugs and sports. - Yeah. - But what is it? - It's also stylistic though. Did you see the pictures of people editing George Costanza if he was like a bald 30 year old man? - Oh yeah, have you seen that? I've seen that where it's like, he's like at the statham cut. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And he would have gone with, again, like yeah, he would have gone with a shaved head. He wouldn't wear that hair out. - For sure. - If you saw a guy with that hair out, like at a comedy club that was like going on stage, you were like, what's this guy's deal? - Well, he's gonna kill. - Yeah. - He's gonna be the old man. - He's gonna kill some shit. - Yeah, he's gonna kill some shit. - I know, you're right, and even now you go, he just hasn't changed the look. - You know, it's like, you're a golfer. I'm trying to learn golf, but it's like, you do in golf, you have to do the opposite. Like of what you think. - Right. - It's like, hit the ball from the inside to make it go straight. You know, like that type of shit. Like, it's kind of the same thing with Larry David where he goes, I'm just gonna go this look, and now he becomes sexier for it. - For sure. - You know, like, chicks, chicks love him. - Chicks love. I hate someone who says, I'm like Larry David. - No, it's just so annoying. - I hate that. So it is, I've seen it on a t-shirt. It's like the worst personality t-shirt. - It's like, seeing it on like an Instagram profile or someone's like, the female Larry David. - Get out of here. - Learn it to the ground. - The minute you say it, it ain't true. - He snips the griff, the sniff the griff, I got you. - I do hate that when someone compares themselves to anybody in that realm, but especially like Larry. People for some reason, because he's so affable even though he's a grump. - Right. - He's like a lovable grump. People are like, that's me. - Right. - No, no, no. He earned it. Part of his lovability is that he made the greatest show of all time. Like, there was earned lovability there, like you can't just be like, you can't just attain, you know, this genius. - Yeah, you're not allowed to manufacture that, that has to be like, that's why it's organic, it's why it's so funny at it. Now, Seinfeld on the other hand gets all the credit for that show because his name is stamped on it, but I've said it once I'll say it again, that's Larry David show. - Well, who would you, I used to think about this when I started comedy, it's like, what would you want to be? Seinfeld ends. Okay, it's like 1999 when Seinfeld ends. You're Jerry Seinfeld, you're the, you're the most famous comedian alive. - Yeah. - Or you're Larry David. - I'd be Larry all day. - You're just the comedians comedian, the guy, you know, people like us are like, well, you know, before a curve, you go at Larry David. - I'd be Larry David. - I think. - A thousand times over and over, and then to get to make, get mad at me. - And even better. - And even better. - And even better. - I'd take a better version of Seinfeld, which is, it's a better version because it's updated. - Some people just like the old sitcom format of Multicam. - I never liked Multicam. - Never. - I thought it was, like, look, I liked it a little bit, but I wasn't like a Seinfeld stand. I didn't love Multicam because it felt very fake. So when, when I first got to see, like, single cam come alive, I was like, this is what I like. - Right. - This feels like real life shit, like a single slice of life. And studio audience stuff was cute when we were kids. I liked the idea of it because it was like, you know, shows, shows had that rhythm that you liked that we were talking about. - Right. Do you see what single camera looks like? You're like, oh, oh, that's what I like comedy-wise. - Multicam is Broadway on TV. - Yeah, it's Broadway on TV. - It's Broadway on TV. But I'm a Multicam guy. I love a sitcom, but when it's done right, they're like little plays, like it's little vignettes. It's like, and it's like-- - It's very well done if it's well done. If it's done right. - I watch the pilot. Okay? I go back and watch all these shows. I watch the pilot of Will and Grace the other night. That is like genius writing. Like the writing is so good. They introduce Megamalali's character in one sentence, you know her whole backstory. One sentence. They go, she-- Grace is on the phone with Will and she goes, and Will's like-- Grace is like, my assistant's late. And he's like, isn't she like super rich? Why don't you just fire her? And she's like, I don't know. I like her. And then Malali walks in and you're like, super rich woman doesn't need this job, pain in the ass. I know everything. And you're like, it was like the fat was just-- it was so lean. And I was watching-- I was like, aw, I was like, what a magic trick, you know. And when it's done well, it is awesome. - No, it is. It's just-- - But I know what you're talking about. - It's very formatted. Like I would put up the arrested development pilot against literally any television pilot in the history of anything, because I think it's-- that just shows the strength of really kind of popping and then like singling out characters. That's what I loved. When multi-cam, you kind of have to all be in on this. It's all very showy. - Right. - So it is like a stage. It's a stage. That's why those, you know, big actresses do really well on a multi-cam-- - Oh my god. - Like the nanny? Have you watched the nanny? - No, but Fran was-- I mean, that was like-- - Yeah. - You watch it and you're like, as a Jewish man, I watch that and I'm like, I'm obsessed with her. - What about a Jewish woman? Are they like her? - I think they would like her. They would go, that's me. - She was aspirational to Jewish women and Jewish men alike to-- - You say aspiratory to Jewish women? - Is that a little bit? - Yeah. - A little bit. She did not know how to control the volume of her voice. - Oh, it's unbelievable. - And then the mother and the grandmother get involved and you're like, like, I don't know, you watch her on that first episode of the nanny and you're like, and she walks in the door. You're like, she's got style, she's got grace, she's got flair. - The nanny? - No. - It was, those are, I get it, they're well-received shows. There's something about them that once I learned what multi-cam comedy was, it was, I was obsessed. I was like, oh, this, or single-camera, I just got, like, embedded in it. - It's different. It's sexy. - Like King of Queens. I watch King of Queens and I'm like, love. - Like everybody that's ramen, you love that? - Love. - Yes, you never got into all of them. - I can't, I just love it. I, you know, and they're all called comfort shows. - Sure. - You know, when people are like, oh, comfort shows and they're like, and we're not making the thing that people are like, I get comforted by it, like, we're done making that. - Yeah. - You know, it's, it's just not happening. - This is a comfort show for somebody. - Well, I do, I'm a podcast listener as well. - It just does something different because now they feel much closer to the thing, whereas those multi-cam, I don't know if the younger generation, where we were hot, people were hot around the TV to watch, uh, family matters, and full house. I don't know if the younger generation would be the, that was the target for those shows. Who would they target now? Because young kids, their phone has everything they need. - Right. Now, it's not even worth figuring out. - No. - You know what I mean? Like, I, I kind of think about that. I'm like, well, where does TV go? Where does all this go? And you go, I don't know. - It's still happening. It's just being curated for people on their phones, exactly what they like. It's still going to keep going. It's just going to be, it's more, everything, I think there's going to be more niche, less broad. I think broad comedy is dead. I think niche comedy is alive. And your audience will be smaller, but it'll be heavy, it'll be real. - And yeah, well. - Which is fine. - It's fine. I don't know. I mean, I mean, I made a special that is like a broad for people. I'm always like, share it with their family because your parents will like it too. - 'Cause it's called family. - The family plan. - The family plan. - Yeah. - 'Cause I'm still on my parents' cell phone plan. - It's so sad, did you? - At 38? - Dude. - I don't know. - I'm 41. - 41? - Yeah, dude. Gross. - I like to pay guy. - No, no, hold on home. - This is the easy. - You're 41 and you're on your parents' cell phone plan? - Yeah. - And I say it. I said, listen, I could pay it myself. I'm not saying I can. - No, I know you can. - I want the women out there to know. No, I'm. (laughing) - I will split dinner with you. - Yeah. - Ladies, I swear. - Medium penis. - So. - Yay. - So. - In here, we pour whistle. - College football Saturdays are already packed with reasons to get excited. - And this season, Fandall is giving you even more. Make this your most rewarding college football season ever with Fandall from the first kick off to the day, the final whistle happens at night. 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I was on it before, my dad goes, what the hell are you doing with all this data? I'm paying for all this data. What are you doing? You're like 30 times the guy at the store told me you'd do 30 and I'm like, I'm, they're downloading by themselves. Like I wake up and my phone is automatically downloading all these podcasts and I don't know how to turn it off. He goes, get off, get off, you're off. And then I started paying it myself and then he calls me like five years later. He's like, so I'm at T-Mobile and it's like 50 bucks. What are you paying? And I was like more than that and he goes, you're back. - You're back. - I'm back. - I'm back, baby. - That's a sitcom moment. - There it is, I'm back. - He's back on the planet. - That's right. So, no, but I mean like I want broad comedy. I'm like. - Yeah, you like it. - I like it. - I don't know, I'm soothed by, you know, there's a family that I get it and my mom's done that. - Well, you have that very, that's a part of your comedy, too, right? You've got like a very, your comedy is like open arms. You're not like, get in or fuck off. - No, I'm more like, look at my parents. They're fucking assholes, aren't yours, too. - So it's a one hour story about going in the beach with my parents. - That's why. - The whole special. - What beach? - Delray Beach. - Delray Beach. - Delray. - That's where they live, right? - I live in Delray, I'm 25 minutes away. We're at the beach, my dad asked me how much I weigh and it's while I'm sitting in the beach chair. And I was like so enraged by that. - Is he a big guy? Him and I have the same body, we're Tissue Bucks. - Right. - You know, so we have the same shape. So it's like, I'm looking at Tissue Bucks. He's looking at Tissue Bucks and he goes, how much do you weigh? And I went home and I podcast about it. I got so mad that I went home and I did my Patreon. You know, and I'm like, that's where I tell stories about my life. And I got such a response from that. But I was like, when I do a story when I talk about my parents and my family, I'm done with it. Like I got it out of my system and then I went to bed. - Sure. - Next morning, I go into the kitchen. My dad goes, he listens to one of my podcasts, this one. He listens to Whiskey Ginger every week. No, he listens to my coffee with J-Train with my Patreon. - Yeah. - I walk in the kitchen, he goes, you got it all wrong. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, coffee with J-Train. I just want to know how much you weigh. I'm like, are we doing this again? We have to fight again in the kitchen the next day. And I, so then I go on stage, I start trying to do this story and it bombs every time. And everyone's like, your dad's an asshole. - Yeah. - And then I'm like, well, let me explain. And I had the last special come out and it gave me confidence. I think like my issue with standup has always been like, I just got to be able, it's confidence. My issue with everything's confidence. I think most people's issues with everything is confidence. And like, why am I not doing this story that I really want to tell? And it was like, you know, I want to do well on stage. I want to go on after, you know, last night, Jay Leno's on the fucking lineup. I want to do well. I'm like, that's crazy, you know? So, and I was like, so I had a little more confidence. I started telling this story. And I'm like, well, maybe I got to explain my dad. And I got to explain my, that we have the same body. And I got to explain my mom. She pees in the ocean. And I got to, you know, like I should pee in the ocean underwater or above the water. - That's the, the bit is like, she's the most obvious ocean peer you've ever seen. - She's above the water? - Yeah, just stand in there. - Smart woman though. She's above the water. You can't pee underwater for those that don't know. You'll get infections. - Well, you can't do that. - You want to embarrass your family, you go above the water. - IP above the water every time. - Yeah, I'll stand there and I'm pissing. I'll tell everyone, I'm pissing. I'll say that to the whole beach. - I have a buddy who's to do it on the sand. He's like, what's the difference? - I agree. - No, you're going right back in the water. - It's a thing to wash off anyway. You're going to take back in the water. - Do you have kids? - No kids, no. - You'd be a great dad. Because the argument, I always say this about parents. Because he's my son. - You have a 26 year old son. - I have a 27. - 27. He keeps growing every year. He gets another age and so hard to keep up with. - Parents are annoying because they're always 10% right. So like, you're enraged by them because there's a little ounce. And what you just did, you're 10% right. Like, yeah, why should I pee? What's the difference between the ocean and the beach? - You know, you're family feeling like they're with a crazy person. - Don't care. - Right, dads generally don't care. - Because you reach a certain age where nothing, it doesn't matter. Someone would be like, that's embarrassing and you're like, for right. - Right, I don't care. - I'm married and I'm done. - Yeah, it doesn't matter. I don't, also who's going to, I don't, what's the, I think about as I, all the years I spent worrying about what other people thought of that thing that I was up to, whatever it was. And then you reach a certain age and you're like, "Oh, I can't believe I even fucking cared a little bit about it." - I know, it will, again, to go back, that's Larry David. - Yeah, who cares? - That's why he's sexy. - Yeah, 'cause he doesn't give a fuck. - Yeah. His is also, his mouth gets in front of him, that's, that is. - Well, and he, the show, the reason the show, his mouth gets in front of him and then he takes it to the end of the road that people, that's why it's so funny. It's like, we usually stop ourselves and then go back to our mirror and go and another thing. You know, the whole curb thing is, I'm gonna take this ounce of truth and play it to the end. - Yeah, he does. He goes as far as you can go with it. - Right. - Which, which, I think, like, my dad is, I, hold your parents. - 68. They're young. - Yeah, like, once they get to their 70s, I feel like they really don't give a fuck. Like, they get to a place now where like, my dad used to exercise a lot and my mom still does and I'll say, "Hey, are you gonna go down to the basement and work out?" And he'll chuckle. - Right. - Now he's like, "Why?" Now, dude, it's, I'm gonna go soon. - My dad's like the opposite where, if I talked to, every time I'm like, "How is the morning?" He'll announce his schedule with the most pride I've ever, he's like, "Woke up nine holes, a golf, spun, swam, going to play gin now. Do you know anyone else in my age doing all that? Do you?" I'm like, "No, I don't talk to a lot of 68-year-olds in the fucking dog of mine." This is every time. - Every active cat. - Oh, my dad moves. - What about your mom? - Oh, same. They are, they are at a 13 out of 10 every day. - That's great. - And I put up the trailer for the special, people are like, "Did you write the lines for them?" No. They are all themself. - It's them. - It is so them. There's like clips of them. At the end of the special, there's a hidden camera in the a car when I go pick them up. And my mom's like, did you tell Jimmy Fallon about tonight? And I'm like, what? Why would I tell Jimmy? Like they're just like everything out of their mouth. I'm like, I need a camera on this. - Yeah, I'll call Jimmy right now. And then he's ringing him up. - I did, I did Fallon twice. So she's like assuming we test-- - Those are best friends. - Talk all the time. He couldn't make it. Sorry, mom. I'm like, what am I supposed to say? But they, and now, 'cause they live in Boca, they're in a country club community. - Oh nice. They are both have their own golf carts with their names on the side of it, on the driver's seat. - What's, his nicknames are their real names. - Oh, real names, Kim and Jerry. Just, Kim and Jerry. - And it's Kim on the driver's side of hers. Jerry on this driver's side of his. And they, driver on, and they, my dad was never really, like he had no friends. All of a sudden he's got like a whole group. - What do you mean he had, what did you do for a living? - He sold liquor, beer, and wine. - He had no friends. - He had no friends, it seems like a friendly world. - Well, it was a social world. But he never, like, was like, I'm out with my buddy tonight. That's not like a thing. - Why don't they, I think many dads, I think dads have a couple of buds, but they see them intermittently. Most time, dad at home couch TV. - Right, most dad at home couch TV. - Get me to the bed, that was always my dad's goal. Even like, he wasn't even social with like, if I had friends over, I always tell my parents, I'm like, the reason I, I was like, you guys are the worst hosts of all time. My mom, the minute you'd walk in, take off your shoes. You're just walking with your shoes on. And then my dad's hiding upstairs, like he's haunting the place. So like, I stopped bringing friends over. I was like, why would I ever, it's always uncomfortable. - Right. - And it's like, I told them all the time, I'm like, I'm a good house guest, because of how uncomfortable you made anyone who walked in our home. - Maybe it worked. - It kind of worked. Again, like, you can't, you know, you want a kid who can do drugs and play sports. But you can't parent, you can't like try to do that. - Yeah. - You know, they tried, they were horrific. And I love them. But like, now if I stay at someone's house, I'm like, I have a towel with me at all times, wiping under my feet every time I take a bath. 'Cause I'm so used to, like, my mom yelling at me. - Yeah. - And. - Where would you grow, you grew up? - I'm from outside of Boston. - Right. - Need 'em. - When you guys moved out, when did you make the shift to floor? - So my parents moved in 2016. They were doing, like, snowboard. - Mm-hmm. - And then they were like, now they're the mascots for Florida. They love Florida more than anyone's ever loved Florida. They would hug Ron to Santa's as they could do. - Most old Jews that go down there, that's heaven on earth. - Heaven. - Yeah, they love it. - They love it. They stay through the summer, they don't care. They go, it's not that hot. People complain, they get AC everywhere. It's fucking hot. And about a year, a couple of years ago, they were like, why don't you move down here? And I'm like, I like New York. And I was, they're like, what are you doing up there? And I'm like, I'm working. You know, like, I go to the seller. I do my podcasts and they're like, you can just go and do that anytime you want and have a nice place here and go on the road from here. And I was like, you know what, let me, and I was living in like a studio apartment like the size of this. I had no, you know, I wanted some life for you in Manhattan. - I was in Manhattan in the West Village. And the West Village kind of got young on me. - Well, it's very young. - It's very young now. But like, when I first moved, I was in New York 18 years. When I got to New York, the West Village was the goal. That was where adults lived. And now it's like where people start. And I was kind of like-- - Oh, are you students? - Yeah, it's like, and I kind of felt like an old guy. I was drinking too much. I was just like drinking on the way home from the seller every night. And-- - Is that bad? - It was great. I loved it. But I was just like, I think I was avoiding shit. - Sure. - I was like, I think I was using alcohol to like, just like, kind of just like not deal with some shit. And so I was going back to my apartment. And I was in this studio that like, I loved. But I'm like, what is this? Is this what I want the rest of my life to be? And then I was like, all right, let me move. I'll move, I can always come back. I get down to Delray Beach. Delray Beach, people from out of Florida. Like the rest of the country is like, oh, that's where my aunt, who's a hundred lives. And they're like, and everyone thinks it's old. Everyone in Florida thinks Delray Beach is young. (laughing) - It's kind of a perfect mix. - This is the Ferris Bueller's theory. - Right. - Nobody knows how old anybody is. - Nobody knows, and Atlantic Avenue is like, I compare it to Manhattan Beach. I would say Delray Beach and Manhattan Beach are a lot of like, in the sense that-- - That's very young. Right, there you go. You live here, you think it's very young. - Yeah, Manhattan Beach, if you went down to Manhattan Beach, that's like a young guy's paradise, right? Young singles paradise, or young newly young couples. That's like, that's typically what's down there. - I would say, and it's also off to the side of L.A. It's not in-- - Oh, it's definitely not L.A. - Not L.A. - No, it's not L.A. - Right, and everybody that moved there after college, and I was like, this is like, saved by the bell. This is unbelievable. - It's awesome, that's why it's not L.A. - Right, and it's own world. - It is, it's own world. So Delray Beach, I would say like, it's not West Palm. It's not Fort Lauderdale, it's not Miami. - Right. - And I was like, this is kind of cool. I like this, I can fly in and out of West Palm. And my parents being close, like, where else was I gotta move, like, I could have moved. L.A. wasn't for me, you know, when I'm here. - Hey, you don't like it, you're like Seinfeld. He hates it here. - I don't hate it here. - Is that fucking interview he just did, shitin' on that? - Really? - It's all this guy does, he fuckin' shits on L.A. It's this place made him, and this guy fuckin' dumped on me. - Right. - He did a whole thing about it. - He must have lived here when he did the sitcom. - They shot at fuckin' CBS Red for it, right there, in Studio City. - I think it's like, if you don't give yourself to here, I could see how the first couple years in L.A. It's uncomfortable. - Yeah. - I could see how also once you're like, moved in, it's like the best. You know your area. - Like, settled, it's great. - It's great for settling. And I think New York is great to like, the first couple years, you're going out every night, and then when you settle down, you're like, I'm either, you can only be young and uncomfortable, or rich enough to be comfortable in New York. - Right. - And I'm not either of those things. I like to be comfortable and I'm not rich. - You're cruising the middle. - Yeah, so Florida, dude. - Florida, baby. And so I moved down there, I was single at the time. I'm like. - You got somebody now. - Now I'm dating, I'm in a relationship, I'm in love. I'm in love. - How long has it been since January, that we like reconnected, we dated before. - Oh wow, you went back to the well. - She came to me. - Oh okay, didn't she? - Let's get her on the show next week. - Right, let's hear her playing. - She and I dated a few years ago, and then I ended it 'cause I was like, I'm just not ready, I have to commit to this, or we, like we have to like move to the next phase, or we have to end, and I wasn't ready. And then I was thinking about her a lot over the last few years, and then I wrote a dating book, which is like crazy to even say out of my mouth, but I wrote a dating book. A lot of reflection in the dating book. Listen, if you want to read about dating and laugh, it's a funny dating book, it's, I'm proud of it, but it was a lot of like, have you done the book thing? - No, no, no, no. - Have you been asked? - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Don't do it. - No people know I don't read or write. - I don't read, and they were like, you can do it. And I was like, then they were like, here's some money. I was like, I could use that. - I could do it. - I'll do it, I'll do it. And then they, look, I know how to write now. - Right, and then they go, they go, do you? They were like, I go do it, so I was like, the first minute I said, okay, I'm in. Who's the ghost writer, and they were like, you're a writer, you're a comedian, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I write all the time, that's how I go on stage. Every night I'm sitting by candlelight, and then literally I made this outline for a month, you have to make a very in-depth outline. And then the editor's like, okay, page one, here we go. And I go to write page one, it was the worst week of my life. I was hating myself, I hated every minute. Finally, I get done with them and den from it, the comedy works, and I'm like, send. And then 20 minutes later, the editor's like, yeah, we need a ghost writer. (laughing) I'm like, what the fuck, I just hurt my own feelings, I said I want a ghost writer, didn't talk to them for a month, and then they're like, hey, we need to do this. And then so we worked it out where I would tell the ghost writer stories and answer questions for dating, and then she would turn it into a book. - Amazing. - And it was great. Every morning I'd wake up to an email from the ghost writer, Taylor, and it was like asking me questions, and do you have a story for this scenario, and I was like, and I had them all. - So this person was a good writer? - She writes for John Oliver, she's a genius. - Well, don't say she's a ghost, we're not supposed to know. She's a ghost. - No, I want to make sure I'm up front. - Yes, you credit her, yeah. - She's unbelievable and funny and does stand up. That was my requisite. I was like, I want a woman. - Taylor Thomson wrote your book. - Taylor Thomson wrote the whole thing. It's unbelievable, with this woman. - She's very talented there, she is. - No, Taylor Kaye, she's awesome, and she's, I can't think of, we've become friends. And I was like, I want a female comic to write this with, because I've always put my dating stuff through women. I want the debate. I want to be told I'm an idiot so I can go, no, but think about this angle. A lot of dating talk is done in silos, and it's men being assholes, and it's women who are wooing each other. And both are not true. So I was, that's why the book isn't successful. That's why I'm middle class, because I'm not a grifter. Get this, please buy his book. - Buy my fucking book, no, don't watch my special then go. - Watch a special on Netflix. - The special is free, if you're already paying, you're already paying for Netflix, so just watch it. - Or you might be on your parents' Netflix. - Who cares, or my parents are on my Netflix, so I gotta keep-- - Past the change, you're on their phone, you're on your Netflix. - Every day I get a call. God yeah, he- - Yeah, 'cause I call her and update the, gotta get the code, go to your email. So, I write the book, I write about our experiences together a lot, so she texts me, I'm going to Philly, and she lives in Philly, and I'm like, and she's like, "Would you wanna get coffee?" And I've been thinking about her, I've been making these like, I'll stop drinking, and then if I, hopefully when I stop drinking, I'll stop thinking about our relationship. I kept, I was a blaming alcohol, and then I was like, I kept thinking about her, and I was like, "If this happens, then I'll message her." But I didn't wanna message her, and then go back again. I didn't wanna end it again, and I would make me a dick, and she messaged me, and I remember seeing the message, I was like, "Fuck, now I have to do something." And we got together for coffee, and just since then, just kind of-- - That was it? - And then she moved down to Del Rey Beach. - Well, we're working that out. That makes us sound like we're on the rocks. No, that first meeting, I was like, "Oh, also I wrote a book about us." Like, "Imagine the most horrific thing "you could ever hear from an ex." And she knew I had the book deal, but didn't know. She's like, "So how's it going?" I'm like, "So, yeah, about that." And she read it, she loved it. She was like, "There's three stories about us." And I was like, "Yup." She knew exactly, and, you know, so, and now it's been fun. Like, I really have enjoyed being in a relay-- - It's a long distance, though. - A little bit of distance, I'm trying to get-- - Philly to Florida. - Philly to Florida. - It's a long way. - No one's ever done that trip before. - That's impossible. - It can't happen, so we'll see. - Well, would you move to Philly for her? - So-- - That's the real question. How much do you love her? Would you leave Florida to go to Philly? - And then I'd have to be around those people. ♪ Go bird, dilly ♪ - I never fucking enough of that shit, dude. I'm so tired of fucking hearing about Philly. I-- - Are we champion, Philly? Like, Shane, all these Philly guys that I love? - Yeah, yeah. - And then fucking, if I hear fucking Go birds and all this bullshit again from fuck off, shut up. - Here's the fuck. - I'm so fucking tired of Philly. I'm fucking exhausted. You did it. We love you. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. - Yeah. - It's gonna get worse with the Rocky movie coming out. - I know another one. - Yeah, I play Rocky. - I knew it. - And that kid-- - And that Kisper. - And that Kisper. - And that Kisper. - And that Kisper. - And that Kisper. - Yeah, he is. - Call it here. - 'Cause it's the-- - This kid who was in the-- - He was in, what was the show, the offer or whatever? And he's fucking incredible. And he's playing Rocky in this movie. - So it's like a 40th anniversary, what year is it? - 50th anniversary. - 50th anniversary. - Is Stallone involved? - Yeah, he produced it. - Yeah. I love Philly. - No, yeah. - But I fucking love Philly. - Yeah. - But they shove it down your throat. - Well, it's a thin line between, and this is all fandom. You're a bears fan when you talk, well, when you talk football with a football fan, there's a line of like, are we gonna have fun and debate, or are you gonna try and like crush me? - No, yeah. - And Philly people don't, a lot of you. I went to Penn State, I know Philly, I know, I love, it's the best food town in the country. - Like, I'm, I know you're in the same thing this day. - It's the truth. A best food town? - Yeah, it has the best, it has the most inventive chefs. - Better than fucking New York. - Yes. - If New York, it is cost prohibitive for a young creative chef. - Sure. - To start something new. - It's too pricey. I'm just saying, this is just facts. It has the best food in the country right now. - Yeah, I'm not, this is the best. - This is just fish. - Great merch, 10%. - This is just fish. - There is no better food than Philly. - There's no better food than Philly. The problem is the person who's the PR agent for Philly is go birds, cheese, steak, whiz, whiz. That guy needs to shut the fuck up. Because you have the most inventive, pizzeria, badea, zahav, you know, I can go down the list. There's amazing food things happening and it's because of not the people. The people are garbage. - No, no, no, the people are good. We love Philly. - We love the Philly. I'm just trying. I'm trolling you. - That's right, through the screen. - Yeah. - So, no, but the New York, it's just mathematics. Like, you can't open a place in New York unless you have 30 investors. Philly, you can go to like the, you can go to Manionk and start a thing and people will come to you. I think LA is, LA and Philly, both the best food towns in the country. - I was just gonna say, LA is white. We're quiet, we don't get any rep, but I'll tell you the amount of like new spots that are here. It's unfucking real. This place has so much good food and restaurants now, but no one cares about us. - Well, it's the best produce in the country in LA. - Well, what's called comes from here. - It all comes from here. - You're welcome for literally all of it. - Yeah, I, best Asian, all the Asian. - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't probably have a thing. - You can't give Asians credit. - No, we do have some of the best Asian food. - The bet. - And then New Orleans gets thrown into this. New Orleans does one thing well. It's the width of LA. That's so amazing. - What do New Orleans do really well? - Well, you know, the Creole, the saucy. New Orleans, to me, is like an-- - I don't like Cardburn that much. - Yeah, it's an anti-Semitic food they make there. - It really is. - All cream based in spice. - Yeah. - Not good for a Jew. - No Jews. - Right, they basically say that with a food. Come on, not a house on Creole, no Jews. - All right, did she just say no Jew? - What did she say? - She'll get in the drinks. (laughing) You know how many bachelor parties? I spend half the time on the toilet. I'm like, fuck this place. I love New Orleans. I mean, French and Street is great. But I go to a place, and I like dig into the food. - Yeah. - And I, and Philly's great, LA is great. Indianapolis is great. Indianapolis underrated. Some of the better-- - It's a good city. - Bluebeard in Indianapolis is one of the better restaurants I've ever been to. - Hard to admit for me, but I was just in St. Louis and boy, do I fucking hate to say that, but I love-- - You like St. Louis food? - I love it. I love St. Louis. I like St. Louis as a place. I think it gets a bad rap because I'm from Chicago. - Right. - And we inherently aren't supposed to like them. Fuckin' love it down there. - It makes it easier. There's no football there. - Yeah, because football is really like at the core of all city. - The base ball is my number one. - That is. - So it's hard for me. The cards versus the cups. - Yeah, that's a big-- - It's a forever thing. - That's a problem. And also, like I had recently connected with Joe Buck, who's St. Louis. - He's Mr. St. Louis. - He's Mr. St. Louis, and he connected me with some other, you know, these young guys to go play golf with. And he was like even though you were a-- - Get along with everybody. - Well, say you're a famous viewer. This is Joe Buck on the line. - I said this. - Travis Kelsey. Is that the day I was with Wedding? - I said to Joe Buck. I said to Joe Buck. I said, I was like, look, I respect you so much. And I have to hate you a little bit. - Yeah. And he goes, get over it, dude. - Get over it. - And I was like, he's right. He's like, yeah, get over it. He was like, you're right. He's like, you're fine. Get over it. - But that's a good sports fan. That's the line that we're talking about where it's like-- - He's the man by the way. - Are you fun about it? He seems like fun. - Yeah, he's the man. He's such a cool dude. It's just so funny that in your sports brain, it was always like, I learned from my dad. We're die hard cubs fans. My dad's best friend. - Yeah, his father is a Hall of Fame white sock. Has a statue at whatever it's called, whatever that dump on the south side's called. The cell now or the US cell, you'll feel whatever, I can't fuck you. - Oh yeah. - Whatever it is in Chinatown. Come on, socks fans, relax. You got the Pope, the Pope likes the fucking white socks. No, but his best friend's father is a Hall of Fame. So when we go down there, his family is so well respected. - It is amazing to see and I will wear black. I'll wear black, I won't wear socks hat. - No, I wouldn't wear, I would never wear Yankees hat. - But I'll wear black and I'll go to the thing and I'm like, my dad taught me that that he's like, you have to show the respect. You're at the house of the thing. Don't be a dick. And I get it. I was like, oh, my dad did that for years. Like if my dad went to a buddy, like let's say my dad went to meet a friend in Detroit and you know, in a business thing and they took him out to a tiger's game. My dad would, if he was like, oh, let me get you hat, my dad would wear the hat with him. Just because my dad's that guy. He's like a very affable like, yeah, I'm a guest. My dad always had that in me. So it's hard for me, but I've learned to just go, who fucking cares, yeah, I'm a, it's a, it's not. - Listen, I've always been playing an away game. I went to college at Penn State. I'm from Boston. - Yeah, you got to be a diehard Red Sox guy. - I love the Red Sox and I, you know, we went to games growing up and the Patriots, but then when you move away and you know this, you living here, you have to be a national sports fan. You have to like sports to like, I have to go to Dodgers games, I love baseball. - Right, and I have to go. - And I would go and you'd have Philly and Pittsburgh and those fans, different types of brutal to be around. And I was like a Patriots fan and then my brother, now he's a coach for the Bears. So like he, - Yes. - Your brother is? - Yeah, dude, I, we've talked about that. - Oh, we gotta send you some stuff. - That's right, that's right. - I gotta, we did talk about that. - My sister-in-law is a sports reporter in the Chicago area. - What's her name? - Ruthie Polinsky. She's the best. She does stuff with Ozzy Guy and all that. - What a name, Ruthie Polinsky. - Well, Ruthie Fried now. - Yeah, yeah, you took the Polish away and made her do it. - Get rid of that thing. (laughing) Let's help you out, kiddo. - How many Jews does it take to flip a pole? - One, she's amazing, she's great at her work. - She's from Chicago. - No, she's from St. Louis, I was gonna say, because Innski, Winski, Minskies are all St. Louis. - Well, no, no, Polish is a big Chicago, right. - There's more Polish in Chicago than in Warsaw. - Really? - That's a literal fact, you can Google it. And that, by the way, we eclipse that number 30 years ago now, but there's more Polish immigrants in Chicago than there are in Warsaw, Poland. Look it up. - It's not true. - It's not true. like when they put it. - This is like when people from Scranton tell you that it's the biggest St. Patti's population. - No, no, no. - The North Side has a population of over 1.8 million people, nearly all of them are Polish. The entire Chicago metro area is about 720,000 people are Polish descent and only a small fraction were born in Poland. - No, it's only one. - It's only one. - That's how many people if you saw this too. - The idea that Shagaz were Polish in the West Side is a myth. - It's a myth. - By the way, it's a well-known myth. - It's that prevalent that it made it to the internet that goes out. - We've heard this before. - There's enough blowhardy. - Who said it then? How does that get to that place? That's like-- - It's one drunk dude. - One drunk dude. - One confident drunk. - That's who does this like 8% dead. - 10% dead. There it is. - That was Marilyn Manson removed to rib. - Yeah, exactly. - Shagago Poles are probably around 182,064. - It's so hot. - Wait, 700,000. - 180,000. - What was the 700,000? - 700,000, that's how many people are in Chicago metro area. - That's the total. - That's the total. - Is it really? That sounds so small. - I thought it was, yeah. - New York's 8 million? - In, no, not in Manhattan. - I think you mean in a New York metro area. - Yeah, no, Justin. Well, what was that, how does that? - I guess, yeah, because Chicago metro area has a population of 9.1 and 9.5 million. - Okay, so they're saying just the city center has 700,000 people? - Or the city Polish, I think he's saying. - Yeah, it's got to be Poles, 700,000 Poles. - Oh, that is what it's saying. - Yeah, I do, I've met about 600,000 Polish people in Chicago growing up. - This is one of the population numbers. It's like a baby's weight. I don't know. - No clue. - I have no, when someone's like, "Oh, the baby weighed this much, it's huge." I'm like, "Okay." - Well, dude, I took an over-under rose, the manager of the comedy star, 'cause she had a big baby. 'Cause her husband's a big boy. - Sure. - And I was like, we took a bet internally with some comics. The over-under was 9.5, 9.5, I think. And I took the over. And I think it was just at 9 something. So I just missed, 'cause I thought it'd be 10 for sure. - But, so you know about a baby's weight? - No, I'm just saying that. - Even though that's bigger, such a big man. - Right, yeah. Well, what did you weigh when you were born? - I have no idea. - This is 7/11. You gotta know, what were you? - You have a sister? - I was like 8 1/2. - 8 1/2, you're a big fat, little fat, low boy. - Well, do you have a sister? - Yeah, my sister was heavier than me as a baby. - See, this is only stuff that, like I-- - Oh, you're an only child. - No, younger brother, that just told you-- - Oh, that's right, your brother is right. - Are you listening to anything I say? - No, I can't hear your word that you're saying. - I think when you have a sister, she asks all these questions. Like, I think like, 'cause I noticed this with my brother and I, we have no knowledge of our family history whatsoever. And then my brother's wife is like, asking these questions. And my girlfriend's like, so who's this? And how much did you weigh? And I'm like, who would ask these stupid questions? - The woman. - And it's all the sister. It's all the-- - How old is your brother? - He's 37. - Is he good looking? - Harry looks like the after picture, and I'm the before picture. (laughing) So Harry, it looks like I went on a GLP one and I had a huge success. (laughing) And he's, Harry's in shape, he's a, he's a, like, the best. He's funny, he's good looking. - He figured it all out. - He is the best of my family. - Well, you are the trial. - You are the trial and error. - Yeah, I'm all of the-- - You're the beta stakes. Yeah, I'm total beta. - You're the beta, he's the alpha. - He's the alpha. He, and, you know, I love going to the Bears Games. I was at the playoff game. I, you know, I'm so-- - Who are you a fan of now, though? - So that's the thing about being a sports fan and like, being a homer. It's tough for me to relate to homerism now because I had to move. Like, I liked the Patriots, but like, 'cause I keep an eye on them, 'cause it's my childhood. But my brother went to the dolphins, and now he's with the Bears. And I live and die with the Bears Games. Because it's like, that's blood, that's my brother. And it's funny when you tell sports fans, I can tell who gets it and who doesn't. When someone's like, oh, and you don't cheer for the Patriots anymore. I'm like, it's my fucking brother. What are you talking about, you know, that's crazy. - No, but that's also because, and this is not me taking shots. A lot of times people with that attitude have only lived in one spot. - Sure. - I'm not saying I know better. I'm just saying because you move, you experience life differently, and it just shapes the way you have to be as a fan when somebody goes, "Oh, you can never fucking die, die, die, die." And you're like, dude, you've lived here your whole life. - Right. - You don't know what it's like to culturally have to re-assimulate to another place where I have to go to fucking, I want to go to Dodger Games. It's fucking fun to be a fan in a city where I've lived here for two fucking decades. - Moving and traveling humbles you. - It does, that's the thing. - It does. - And it's not, again, like I like that you said, you're like, I'm not saying I'm smarter than you because I moved, I'm saying I've been humbled because I'm-- - Yeah, my life experience just was, your eyes opened up to going, oh shit, well, I guess this is just a, like my dad is from the South. - Right. - Right, he's born in North Carolina. - Yeah. - And then he went to school in Tennessee and then he got a job in Chicago. So he became a Chicago fan, right? And it's not that he abandoned other things, but like, he lives there, he raised a fucking family there. - Well, then you start to get to know players on the team in a different way. Like, the Knicks right now, like, the Knicks, I love Bronson, like, if someone was like, I hate the Knicks, I think that, like as a personality, that team was a lovable personality. And you have to be a sports fan to, you are not a sports fan if you can't understand that. - Yeah. - Like, if you can't look at the Knicks and go, all these guys were like, you know, Bronson passed over, you know, like, and like all those guys, like, even Carl Anthony Towns, like, he was kind of just giving up on a little bit. - Like, saucy perhaps. - Very saucy, salty, he's spicy. - Spicy. - And he, oh my god, he's great. I, that whole team, Josh Hart, you know, like, they all just seem like fun guys. - It's a collection of dogs. - Yeah, good dogs. - And so you look at that team and it's like, I'm a Celtics fan, but I like, I totally was like, hoping they would win. You know, like, I wasn't like- - 'Cause your team's not in it at some point. - You know, one Knicks game of Madison Square Garden. You're like, I get it, I get it. - Oh, I get it too. - This is awesome. - I was rooting for 'em too, my brother-in-law, my sister got married to a diehard New York kid. So like, yeah, you know, so I was happy to support. It's, you're a phony in sports if you're one of these like, did you ever see the movie, Celtic Pride? - Of course. - Right, like, that generation of guy, I love that those psychopaths who would kidnap a guy just so their team could win, like, I get it. - Like, I grew up with those guys. - Right, they are actors, they grow up and you go, that's a dangerous life. - Right. - This is insane to be that embedded in something that you would like, you know, fist fight in front of your children, because you got an argument with a baseball gamer, but when I see that now, I was young and I remember what, like the White Sox and the Cubs just played, we had the cross-town, and there was a huge fight in the bleachers, and they interviewed PCA about it on PMT, and he was like, yo, everybody loves a good scrap. - Right. - But also, come on, man, there's like kids around, like grow up. - No, I went to a Red Sox game growing up. I was with my dad, and we're sitting, like, behind the third-base dugout, you know, he had my family's stuff tickets to, really great Red Sox tickets, 'cause it was-- - They would let him go? - It was, they were like company tickets, - Oh man, you keep those. - I know, three rows behind the third-base dugout. Oh my, they were like sick, and we used to go a lot, and I remember we were in the row, and this guy, next to us, was like, stand up, come on, he was like the section captain. Get up, get up! And he just, there were these guys in front of us, and we're in a nice section of the game. They're in suits, he just takes his beer, pours it on the guy in front of him. - No, dude. - And you're like, and I remember like being a kid, just like, what is going, you know, like, we're just like, this is unbelievable. And you, at that point, you're like, oh, that's, guy, pour to beer. Now, think about it, you're like, the level of insanity. - You're a fool. - Like, you're an actual crazy person. - As a kid, you're like, this is funny, this is-- - Right, this is crazy. - Yeah, now, I'm like, oh my God, we should have left. (laughing) That was a dangerous place. - Dangerous place. - Right, like, it is funny. I was in Texas, I've been like Austin, and I was in an Uber, I remember. This is how, like, I just turn into such a pussy. Like, the driver, she was drinking a bottle of water, she gets done with the bottle of water, she puts her window down, she throws it out the window. - What? - And I was like, ah, and literally, I was like scared, I literally just took the seat belt and put it on. (laughing) That was my first move. I was like, well, what else won't you do? - Well, you're in her, but what are you gonna say? It's her, right? - Right. - You're at the mercy. What would you have said? - Hey, hey. - Had you been a real adult? - I would have known. - No, I had some fucking balls. - No. - What would you have said? - What, there's nothing to say. - Hey, man, that's not fucking cool. - Hey! - Mother Earth called. (laughing) - To be a fucking dork about it. - Well, there's nothing dorkier than saving the environment. - No, you could go, hey, that's not cool. Let's fucked up though. - Hey! - Why would you litter? And she'd be like, get out of my fucking car. You're gonna get another Uber, fuck you. - Well, we're in the middle of the highway. I gotta get to places. - I'm gonna get off at the highway. - Get off at this exit. - You wanna do that? - No, but I would have said so. I know me. If somebody did, I would have been like, oh, what are you doing, man? I would have said what, I can hear myself. He could vouch. I would be the guy to go, what are you doing? What would you do that? Like, I had to shock him. I would have ferrous on Cameron. - Well, though, and then he'd be like, fuckin' blah, blah, blah, who gives a shit, and then, again, I'm not gonna come back, but I would put it in their brain to go, oh man, that's not fucking cool. - Yeah. - And then I'd be back on my phone because I can't change it, but at least a nugget in their head of like, fuck that, that's a lame thing to do. - I put on my seatbelt and I said, in my head I went, we're going to Uber Black for the rest of the trip. (laughing) - That was my only vote. - Uber Black, it is. I guess we're gonna have to spend the extra money. - I get off on giving people little nuggets of think about it. - I don't care if they ever change it. - It did it to Mark Maron last night. - I just never put those shoes on again. - Just a little nugget. - They'll never wear those brown shoes again. - Like a woman was like running, I was in line, I was at O'Hare, I was at the airport coming back here. And a woman is kind of frantic and she like basically cuts me and a few other people off. And then the woman next to me like gives me a look like, you know, like, what the fuck? And then I just go, excuse me, these all these people are waiting. And she was like, you know, trying to pretend like she doesn't know what's going on or whatever. And she's like, okay. And she goes the back, I go, it's not a big deal. If you're in a rush, go ahead. But that passive aggressive, that passive aggressive, if you're in a rush, go ahead, makes her feel way worse. - Right. - That if I was like, you fucking moron. - No, no, no. - You're a hero. You did it in the right way. You did it in the class way. - I just like to give people a little. - I'm the guy next to you. Here's what I am. I'm the guy next to you that goes, just a little head nod. I'll give you a head nod of support. You do that, I go. A little fist in the air. I'll give you a little head nod. That's the amount. Because I'm the head nod guy. I'm not going to get out of head, but I'm going to let you know that shit crazy. - I'll give you the head, that shit crazy nod. - Good merch, that shit crazy. - That shit crazy nod. Sniff the grips. - I like drugs and sports. - I'm just a mind-per-cent thing. - You really are. - You're very good. - Listen, I spit it out, man. I've never had successful merch in my life. - I've never, we never did merch. - We never did merch. - I did merch like to one time. - I felt like you would be. - No, we do bad friends. We do merch on the show. - Yeah. - But we don't sell it live anymore. We did it one time and I think we fucking hated it. - Right. - It was impossible to do. - Because we had to haul it. - We had to haul everything. - We had to haul it everywhere. And then I remember the one time I tried to do t-shirts, a woman was like, am I a larger medium and I was like, I'm out. I am not going to tell a woman whether she's a larger medium. - Have your dad come and guess when it's weighted? - Right. - Like a carnival. - 186. - Yeah, that's. - By the way, when your father asked you how much you weigh, which is in his very new special, that's out right now. Please go watch it on Netflix immediately. - Please, please. - I also make fun of Rob Lowe. - Oh, you do? - I have like a 10 minute Rob Lowe. - A 10 minute bit about Rob Lowe? - Yeah. - Do you know him? - We met at the day. - Okay. - Well then I don't want, don't say it so people don't spoil it. - I don't spoil it. - Well, I won't spoil it, but I met and he goes, I go, 'cause in the bid, I'm like, I will approach it. I will let him know that I do this. I don't like making fun of people I would never meet. - Are you making fun of him? Or are you, it's a. - I'm making fun. It's in good fun. - Yeah. - It's not. - I know I like it. - This guy sucks. (laughing) - Well, so I go, I'm not. It isn't good fun. I felt comfortable going up to him going, "Hey Rob, I talk about you on stage every night." And he goes, "You do the bid about Atkins. "I heard about it." And I go, "That's my bid." And he goes, "I heard it's hilarious." - 'Cause he does an Atkins commercial. - Right, yeah. - And I was like enraged. - Right. - As someone with body issues that kills me. - So I. - It kills you because you're like, "This guy never did Atkins." He has no need for this. This is not his people. - But you never know. We don't know the depth of Roblo. - I know enough. (laughing) - It's kind of like when you read these articles, Brad Pitt admitted that he stopped drinking 'cause he was like, "I drank every day since college." I was like, "What?" - Yeah. - I like you more. - Right. - I don't think you could be hotter and cooler. And he's like, "No, I had to get sober "because I fucking drank every day." - Well, since college, I was like, "Are you the hottest coolest guy that's ever lived?" - How about. - He looks that good and you drink every day? - Well, how about he got sober for a while. You know why you read that article? 'Cause now he's back to drinking. - He's back in the sauce. He's back drinking. And he's doing a whole PR tour about drinking. - About how he's. It's cool. - Yeah, 'cause he's the coolest fucking guy I've ever lived. - Well, it's the coolest fucking guy I've ever lived. - I have met him once. - I knew you had fucking met him. Could you text him right now? - No, no, no, no. - Could you? - No, no, no. - Just Joe Buck. - Just Joe Buck. - Joe Buck. - Joe Buck is my sports Brad Pitt. - I. - That's a good one. - Yeah. - You can go to any night football game. - Joe's the man. - No, Brad, I don't know him. I don't. - Do you have his number? - No, no, no, no. - Okay, no pants. - What's the most famous person? - You have his pants. - I do have his pants. - I have a lot of his clothes. Yeah, yeah. When he did Dave, he did an episode of Dave. - Yeah. - And the wardrobe, the head of wardrobe, who was the fucking coolest, she was like. After the shoot, we were like. The company move. And so everyone's getting their shit out of their trailers. 'Cause a lot of times you can leave your shit in your trailer. They're like, it's gonna be the next location. But they were like, we're doing a big company move. Get all your shit out of the trailers. And I was like, fuck. So I'm like loading stuff in my car. And she's like, she's like Santino. Your measurements are like exactly the same as Brad. - She's hitting on you. - No, no, no, no. - That's the craziest thing to say to him. - You know, you have the same size dick. - No, no. - I definitely don't. She's like, there's a missing bulge. - Right. - No. - She was like, your measurements the same. He's six one. And I'm 200 pounds. I think he was 190 something. She's like, I'm a little bit bigger weight-wise. But she's like, you're like almost the exact same measurements. And she goes, we bought all these clothes for Brad for the shoot. Like, it's so funny. 'Cause he didn't-- - He did an episode of Dave. - Yeah, so it's a great, it's actually one of the, I think one of our best episodes we did on that show. Did you write for that show too? - No, but I mean, I, you know, we wrote, we wrote live. - Of course. - You know, like we kind of-- - Of course. - Yeah, that's a whole nother story. - Oh. - I don't know, no there's no beef. I remember saying like, yeah, we had to create your own universe a little bit. - I got you. - I did, Dave was very collaborative. I'm just saying like for me specifically, I can't speak for other actors, but like Dave was very-- there was no handcuffs on me. Like Dave was like, you do, you do whatever you want. - That's great. - Yeah, it was very fun. - Yeah. Well, Jeff Schaefer was also the man behind the curtain. He was the Wizard of Oz. I don't know if you know Jeff, but no. He did Seinfeld, Terb, he did fucking Jeff's-- - You got his number? - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Jeff and Jackie created the show The League on FX. Do you remember that show? - Yeah, I love that show. - Okay, so Jeff-- I mean, that show, I just saw a clip from it the other day. I was like, and it was like on Twitter or something. - So good. - They don't make it like The League anymore. I'm like, I gotta agree. That show was really good. - That show was really good. - Yeah. - Yeah. But also male friendship. That show really showed it in a way that was like real. - Oh yeah. - Like those the way those guys bust each other. - That was like a fantasy football friendship. - Totally. - Well, it's because that's what it came. It was a real group that came. But Brad Pitt did our show. It was a great episode. And she was like, oh yeah, you're the same size, long story short. She's like, we bought so much. They wanted him to woo him. He didn't ask for anything. By the way, I think he wore his real clothes on that episode. I think he wore his clothes that he wore to set. - Yeah. - Because he was supposed to be Brad in the wild. It wasn't like he was playing him. - Right. - And she was like, hey, it's all double RL stuff. You know double RL. - Yeah. - So it's a ripple. - That ain't cheap. - Well, it's insane. And she was like, we have a fuck load of it. So I went in there. Literally, it was like shopping. And she was like, she's like, just fucking take it. Just put in your fucking car. And she's like, otherwise, she's like, the studio's going to pay for it. And they think Brad took it home. Nobody cares. - Right. - So I just was grabbing jeans and shirts. So I never had the balls. Because when I met him, I wanted to be like, I have your pants on. I wanted to be like, I'm in your jeans, Brad. But thank you to Brad Pitt, because they charged the studio for sure. And the studio's never going to question Brad. - No. - And if he wants nine pairs of double RL pants, they're going to be like, give him 10. If Andrew Santino was like, hey, FX, could I get one pair of jeans? They'd be like, fuck you. - The bill will be sent to you right out of the way. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - We'll take it out of your check. - Right. - No problem. - Yeah, it's going to be minus $1,500. - Yeah. - So that's that. - But he's back to drinking again, which go Brad, yay Brad. And it's very interesting to see what he has to do to be able to drink. Like, it is interesting to me that he needs his PR team. Like, because he doesn't want to be caught out. - If you decided to drink tomorrow. - I'm doing it tomorrow. - Today, probably later tonight. - Well, if you decide, you'd have to have like, and you were known for not drinking. - Yeah, be a big deal. - It's like, it's weird the world we live in that he has to like, okay. - He doesn't want to be caught at a bar. - Coming out of a bar. - And someone being like, uh oh. - Is something wrong with his relationship? It's like people just infer nonsense. - Well, people do also, if you speak about things on a podcast or in an interview is about sobriety. - Right. - You could be accused of like co-opting the space to like, get to a certain, you know, like, I think that's probably what is going to happen. - Everyone is different, man. - Everyone's journey is different. - What was the weight that you said to your father? - I, you're gonna have to watch it special. - That's exactly right. - Co-op special, right? - 150 pounds. - I'm so jealous. - You're doing the whale too. - I am the whale. - My dad would love that joke. - Give it to him. - He literally, no, my weight is the topic of every conversation of my family. - Is it really? - It's all, my parents are sad. - What is that about? - What is that about Jewish parents and the whole fucking, and this whole thing of life? - It's the body stuff. - Body stuff. - It's all Jewish shit. - It is Jewish shit. - Yeah, totally. - Every Jewish friend I have has a mom who's like nagging about the, about like anything. - It's very confusing. I went home the other night. My mom goes, take the food. Take the food. Take the, we got fried rice. There's extra in the fridge. I go to take it and then my dad goes, "Oh, and do you want these ice cream bars?" She goes, "He doesn't need it." How did we go from take, take, take? He doesn't need it. Like, it's just, and that's the push and pull of it all. Like, also your relationship is based on food a lot. - You know, you're a family. - I think a lot of Jews. Like, a lot of the hangs are food related. - Sure. - What type of food you have. - You know, you fasted for your own popcorn, and then you get together for break the fast. Bagels, you know, locks. All that stuff, like it's all that reminds me of the curb episode where they had to fill in for that guy's funeral, you know, they, he, Larry's with Buckner and they're walking. Do you remember this? And he's like, we need, he's like, are you Jewish? He's like, yeah, he's like, we need one more for the minion for the mint. Yeah. And then he goes, he goes, is there food up there? His first question is what have they got to eat and none of it was good and Buckner wanted like a, oh God, what did he want? He wanted like a traditional Jewish, just, he's like, yeah, but I want one of those, and Larry's like, let's go Buckner. So good. Uh, watch the special, please go watch the special, it's out on Netflix right now. Well, both of them, you're, you're not selling singles on there, no? They took it off. I was on the two year lease. They nice me too. Yeah, they got nothing feels worse in the entire world. The minute my face got back on Netflix, I was like, I'm back on the platform, baby. Yeah. It felt bad to have it come down, take it down. It's on my YouTube channel. You can watch it. Special, I'm proud of, this is me as a comedian. This is like, this is you. This is me. You're home dead. I'm, it is, I'm proud of it. It's, it's about going to the beach with my parents. My dad asked me how much I weigh, and it's all about the millennial boomer relationship. Being on the family plan, my dad and mom, just our relationship. I did it for two and a half years on the road, and like, wow, families come, I tell people, and I'm like, send it to your parents. Like, send it to them. Send it to them. Send it to them. It's fucking with boomers in a way that's loving, but also giving them shit. In a way, we give each other shit. We have to. Go watch a special right now. Are you back on tour too? I have one date on my website. Hopefully, there'll be more by the time this comes out, but no, but I'll be out. Just go to, just watch a special. Just watch a special. Watch it, please. Watch it, share it, and you can see my parents at the end if you get to the end, which, and we also want to say that we, after all the hub and bobbin back and forth, we do love you, Philly. Relax. Philly is so. We visit the wrong city. I told them they have the best food. I love Philly so much. I just, the go birds thing, I think, is it really irks me, particularly because I'm a bear's fan, and we're just such a, well, we're such a struggle. It's such a struggle. You beat him in the playoffs last year. This is the thing about being a new bear's fan after talk. Bears fans off the ledge. You can't. Good luck. I know. The stadium gets weird. It's, it's fun to watch. It's like, who's in Hammond now, too? I would. I need to talk inside information off the podcast. Do you about that? He weirdly don't know info. Nobody knows. He's inside the submarine. Like, it's like, well, I'll talk with it. I just, it's funny to watch the stadium. Like as a sports fan, I kind of know a sports fan vibe. Yeah. Chicago people are ready to be negative right away. Like, so quick to make sure it is because we've been let down. I know it was like, but when they, when, when Caleb threw that touchdown, like tie it up in the playoffs, I was in the stadium and everyone just went quiet. Like no one would cheer. You can't believe it. It was a disbelief. I have never seen like anything like, I've never seen a full stadium. Just go, um, if we, where's the, where's the flag? Right. Where's the flag? We're waiting for something bad to drop. Waiting. Chicago is a city's waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're like, all right. When's it going to, when's it going to happen? Like when Chicago and the weather gets nice, everybody's like, let's go outside. It's going to rain anymore. Right. It is, there's a negativity there that is like, listen, I'm from Boston. Yeah, you guys. There's yours is, is butted with racism and our, there's a confidence, great day in the park. I hope the blacks don't show up. Listen, that's not how my family did it. Us Jews in Boston stayed off and we hung out in Newton and Brooklyn. You go to Newton. Get over that Joe. Go back to Newton. That's right. Juten. Go back to juten. Watch the special. Watch the special. Watch the special. Netflix. Dude, dude, thank you for having me. Thank you for coming. Yeah, just. And then he's flying out the Ferris Bueller of comedy. The Ferris Bueller of comedy. We end the show the same way. Look at that camera right there. Say one word or one phrase. Anything? Yeah, one word or a phrase. You could do a phrase of wisdom. You could say one singular word, whatever comes to your heart. We write to edit. And here we pour wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom, wisdom. Oh, that creature in the ginger fields. Sturdy. Ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger is a fugitive. 75 dollars for the horse. Ginger is our hell now. This whiskey means excellent. Ginger. I like ginger.