107. Jamie Lissow, Tim Butterly, Leyla Ingalls | Summer

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try it at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. Hey guys, story warriors. You know that me and Lewis are also touring, brilliant, hilarious stand-up comedians. And we are often coming to a city near you. Make sure you check us out. You can catch me and all my dates at BigJayComedy.com with dates coming up in Royal Oak, Michigan, Albany, Virginia Beach, and so much more. Look for a city near you, BigJayComedy.com. And come see me on the road, guys. Get your tickets at LewisofSkanks.com. Up next, September 11th and 12th, I will be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Right after that, September 18th, 19th, I will be in Portland, Maine. After that, I'm in Rochester, New York, Portland, Oregon, North Charleston, South Carolina, and many, many more. Just go to my website, LewisofSkanks.com. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars. Make some noise for the Story Warriors, Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis. And Jay Gomez! What's up, New York City? Welcome to Story Wars. Make some noise in here, please, will you? Another sold-out show right here at the New York Comedy Club. Midtown, right here in New York City. If you're ever in the area, please come out on a Wednesday night. We're crushing it every week. Massive, cavernous comedy club. Impossible to get tickets for. I'm feeling great, Jay, I'll tell you right now. And I'll tell you, we have a very, very special guest on the front row. This woman's amazing tits. Holy shit, guys. Wow. Wow. For the boys. You gotta let them know what they're fighting for. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? And who is not familiar with the game Story Wars? Oh, fuck you. Hey, buddy. Wrong show, pussy. You showed up on the wrong night on the wrong day. Dude, a guy just yelling out, "Fuck you," is hilarious. Hey, fuck you. If you're not familiar with the game Story Wars or it's your first time listening at home, it's a very, very simple game. We'll explain. After we get our esteemed panel of comedians up here. Are you guys ready? We're ready to meet our contestants. Our first contestant, first time on the show, making her debut. You know her from Kill Tony. How about it for the lovely and hilarious Layla Engles. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Layla, thank you for blessing us with your presence here on Story Wars. You told me just the other day you're a fan of the show. I am a fan of the show. Thanks for having me. Yeah, well, she's very sweet, very sweet. I'm so excited. Yeah, I don't trust you. You seem already, this is already a deception going on right now. And Lewis's grooming begins. Layla, welcome to the stable. I hope you like kids and dogs now, it turns out. I hope you don't mind most of your living space being taken up by workout equipment. Lewis bought a house and still lives like Rocky's apartment. This is my ottoman/leg press/shoulder rack. I really did, I traded Big Jay. I had adjustable dumbbells, which really, you know, cut down on the workout space. Jay had a giant rack, and I was like, you know what? I can use some more workout equipment. And we traded, and he took my adjustables. - Yeah, it's insane. - Yeah. Our second competitor, his second appearance here on Story Wars Zero and One and Story Wars Competition. You might know him from Gutfelt or the Better Off Dad comedy tour. Put your hands together for the one and only Jamie Lizow. - Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Thank you for having me back. One and four. Damn. But he is a returning story warrior, everybody. He's got a Gas Digital 30-minute special premiering next month. How about it for the hilarious Tim Butterly? Hey, everybody. Thank you guys for having me. Great to have you back, Tim. You've been on the show, I mean, basically, maybe a record amount of times. And it's not great. It's a bad record. I think you won the first time you came on. Beginner's luck. And I've just been in my head ever since. But make no mistake. I'm here to win tonight. Very nice. Hell, yeah. Well, if it's your first time listening at home or your first time here, the game is very simple. All five of us on this panel have submitted three to five stories on one topic. So, let's get started. All right. So, we're gonna take three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject? Summer. Not on the things. Summer. Summer. Alex, our lovely producer/camera fixer, is gonna take eight of those stories. Summer! He's gonna take eight of those stories at random and read them off one at a time. It will appear here on this screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that, it's your job to make people think it's not your story. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person on the panel, you get one point. So, when it's your story, that is an opportunity where you can get four points. That is a huge opportunity. Do not squander it away. Once you put your answer right here on the tablet and slide it over, you have to lock it in, guys. Remember to lock it in and put it right here in this slot. That's it. You can't change your answer. Okay? And I'll tell you right now, we're gonna have so much fun. Sir, you fucking piece of shit. Sir? I know. You have no idea what you're in for. It's gonna be so much fun. You're gonna have so much fun. That's it. Okay? And I'll tell you right now. We're gonna have so much fun. Sir? I know. It's gonna be so much fun, sir. But we're not playing for fun, Jay. Let this fucking scum sucking piece of shit know what we're playing for today. Hey, piece of shit, over here. Which one? Who are we talking about? This guy. Right there? Eyebrows. That guy looks like one of the From Monsters. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy. This guy looks like one of the From Monsters. story number one when i was very young i got caught stealing snacks out of a woman's bag at a public pool this smacks of me i'm trying to not be mean i don't want the first words to be big jay fat blah blah i look like a snack thief no you're not can i tell you why jay look he would love to steal those snacks he does not have the testicular fortitude to go into somebody's bag at a public pool because if he gets caught he would have to kill himself jay jay's not cool enough to just take someone else's things without he's too much of a pussy to rob that's the most puerto rican thing you've ever said that's not true and you speak no spanish uh tim butterly is a former fat kid oh yeah from kensington right outside of philly piece of shit area garbage guaranteed he was going to diamond in the rough but sure just a total townie junkie neighborhood retard sure fucking something you had to steal food to survive in kensington yeah there's like les miserables out there this isn't a theater crap yeah we stole snacks all the time we had corner stores on every corner especially before they got taken over by uh dominican owners when it was still white delis we really crazy about of course yeah yeah but uh i mean me steal of a lady's bag i don't know i can't really see it it doesn't strike me you're a very nice boy also yeah i see i don't think any by the way very young i think most boys would probably be pretty intimidated to go into a woman's bag specifically so there's a chance yeah that's a tell that this is a i thought so too later did you come from humble beginnings where you had to forge for food at a pool so or were you raised comfortably and just very greedy we were upper middle class you know i thought it was a man because uh well i'm the only woman on the panel that would be why you don't have to finish that sentence at all you thought it'd be a man if you know it's not you we got our first clue i'm a good detective i just thought that a man would specify that it was a man - You thought it was just like a little open-air market? - Yeah, dude, just some good stuff. Good family with like good snacks, like high seed juices and sandwiches. Oh, Nabisco brand stuff? Yeah, dude. Me and my buddy Mike, we were like, oh shit. And we watched them leave and we ran over and we started like rummaging through their bags to grab like sandwiches. He's got gusser juice coming out of his mouth when she comes back. And cookies and chips. I understand. And we're like, we're grabbing it and she comes back and she's like, whoa. And we're like, oh, wait, what? We're like, oh, we thought this was our bag. And then this is what made me feel the worst. She goes, if you would have just asked, we would have just given it to you. And we were like, oh. She looked over at Louis' blanket and saw the cookies that were the brand of the store you bought them in. And then they were just called like whatever the ingredients were, like cream filled fucking hydroxy ribonucleic sandwich cookies. All right. Well. A rare swing and a miss from Big J. It's rare. It's rare. Alex, where are our points at? All right. In last place with zero points, Layla Ingles. First question. First question. In fourth place with one point, Louis J. Gomez. And tied for first place with two points each, Big J. Oakerson, Jamie Lisso, and Tim Butterly. Feels good. Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's Name Your Price tool for years now. With the Name Your Price tool, you tell them what you want to pay, and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit Progressive.com. Find a rate that works for you with the Name Your Price tool. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Alex, story number two. Story number two. One summer, a friend got a job. A job as a lifeguard and started stealing chlorine for us to mix with soda and make soda bombs. We did it with a two liter, and the fire department went door to door looking for us. Layla, where'd you grow up? Ohio. Jamie, Idaho? I grew up in upstate New York. What the fuck's a soda bomb? That's what I'm saying. This sounds like a middle of the country, like your uncle's in a militia shit. I didn't know that chlorine and soda does a bomb. I thought it was a-- That's possible. I've drank soda in a pool so many times. Yeah, I thought it was a-- Am I taking time bomb? It's my favorite way to float. Oh my God, dude. I was just sitting there the whole time like Die Hard 4 where the chemicals just had to mix a little tiny bit. If I would have burped underwater. This is very uncle in the woods knowledge. Yeah. Soda bomb. Upstate New York. Where in upstate New York? Rochester, New York. Ooh. Yeah. That's a bomb making place. Their big food thing is called a garbage plate. They don't give a fuck, dude. They're just trying to get sustenance to get back to taking back the government. This is not Layla. Girls don't make bombs out of everyday things. That is just not. Yeah, she's from Ohio. What part of Ohio? Dayton, Ohio. For sure they make bombs there, dude. You think so? That is a fucking piss squirt from Kentucky. Yeah, if I had to guess, this story was definitely-- It's definitely a man. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's definitely a man. All right. I whittled it down. Yeah, this is a very penis-heavy story. This is like every fucking, in my generation anyway, we all made shit that could blow up. We would light shit on fire. We would break things. We would make fucking homemade bombs. We found an unfired 9mm round on the ground and we threw it to see if we could make it go off. Nice. By the way, this is how little I know about guns and how things work. Did it work? Well, I was like, if we get it to land flat on like a pebble, it might go off. Yeah, sure. We took turns slamming it on the ground and jumping at the last second. Nice, dude. That's nice. I wish it went off. Oh, it didn't go off at all? Yeah, no, we definitely, in our schoolyard, we just had a complete asphalt schoolyard in Philly. And when we heard about the Alka-Seltzer, there was gulls that would come get food all the time. And they were like, oh, you could blow up seagulls if you feed them Alka-Seltzer. Wait, what? And people would just do that. We're learning, this is the most educational round of story wars that we've ever had. You can make seagull bombs? Seagull bombs, soda bombs. This is great. No, I know. If they said if you give Alka-Seltzer to a gull, they'll blow up. Right, no, I know, yeah. They don't. No. Oh. If a gull has an upset stomach, there's nothing they can do. There's nothing they can do. They are completely out of it. Tums, nothing works. And for some reason, something about their chemical, I don't know. See, Waylon doesn't know any of this fun stuff. This is a girl. She's a deer in headlights right now. It's just not a girl's thing. Not me, dude. She's an Ohio school shooter. I think she knows exactly how to make bombs. This just isn't the one she made. She made the one with the nails and the rice cooker. The only reason I'm going to say, here's the thing. This is, I'm getting Jamie vibes. Upstate New York, I grew up in like semi-upstate New York. We're bored as fuck. Rochester's way up there. This is the place where you're learning. It's not even a backwoods type thing. This is a bored teenager thing. And this is what they do in upstate. You grew up in the fucking hood. Like straight up. Real deal hood. You weren't like, you had danger every day. You didn't need to create and fabricate. Ooh, let's make a soul bomb. We grew up right near Dayton, Ohio in a small town called Columbine, Ohio. Is that New Dayton? Our version of this was. No, it's so far away. It's so far away. We would take, we would grab whatever was left of like a carton of eggs out of a friend's parents' refrigerator. And we would go down under the train tracks and we would throw eggs at the street walking prostitutes. Yeah, dude. Were you guys rich? That's not a person who's got time to make bombs. There's no time to make bombs. Yeah, I feel like. Yeah, these are at 1994 egg prices. This feels, this feels Rochester to me, if I'm being honest. I feel like Tim would have drank the soda. It's possible. I'm sticking with that fat guy and not fat guy. It's possible. He was a disgusting fat pig. I mean, summertime, you got your hands on a two liter of soda that the rest of your family doesn't know about. And you're just slowly chugging it. You're chugging it all day. Just, there's nothing more refreshing. Tim, were you the kind of fat when you're, when they change the recipe or something, they go, now we're using real cane sugar. I'm like, finally, I get to be healthy. I was like, Pepsi throwback. I was thinking about cutting back. I was like, good, now no more of this aspartame. It's making me fat and have cancer. Finally, just regular sugar. I'll get my abs back. Upstate New York, board of Jamie Lissow. Yeah, I agree. If it's not, by the way, if this isn't Jamie, it's Louis. It's Louis. But they're always Louis. They're all Louis. I already locked it. Can I unlock it? Can someone come unlock my answer for me? There's no unlock. No. No. Jamie says Layla. I've had to eat shit for this before. Oh, that means it's definitely Jamie. Yeah. I feel like if it was me, I'd remember it. You think so? You would think so. I'd remember doing it. Four votes for Jamie Lissow. Jamie Lissow votes for Layla and gals. Alex, whose story was story number two? Story number two. Belongs to Tim. No. No. God damn it. Now that I think about it, Tim definitely wants to have like a bunker with a bunch of fucking bombs for the end of the world. Damn it. Damn it. All of Tim's weapons were made from snacks. I should have known this. Fuck. Damn it, dude. Fuck. Do you know Soda and E.L. Fudge could take out a wing of the White House? Hey, dude, I made a gun that shoots bugles. Yeah, guys, I got a fudge cannon. There was one time we cut a hole in a tennis ball and took a bunch of quick strike match heads and stuffed it in there and threw it at a garage as hard as we could, thinking it was going to fucking ignite. And it just hit the ground and was like. Yeah, and then fire comes out of the hole. Yeah, really. You tried to blow up someone's house? Yes. Dude, one time we. Well, all right. Um, let's stick to the chlorine story. Okay. Okay. Yeah, our buddy got a job at the rec center pool, and he said, you guys want to see. It was a friend's older brother. He said, you guys want to see something cool? And he took a scoop of chlorine powder, and he put it in a half-empty 20-ounce Mountain Dew, and he closed it, and he shook it. It's like Mentos and Coke, but the bottle explodes, and now you have a chlorine cloud. That's a thing? First of all, not only. It wasn't like we thought that that was the. We didn't. We didn't even know that we shouldn't be breathing in the chlorine cloud. We were making mustard gas by accident. So then we kept doing it. Then, like, one time. I didn't do this, but they got, like, one of those. You know how you get, like, feeder mice at the pet store, and they taped that one to a bottle and blew him up with a chlorine bomb? That was when I knew it was getting out of hand. Yeah, yeah. That's the beginning of serial killer activity. For sure. And, I mean, thank God some of these guys are already dead. Now. Thank Christ. Thank you, heroin and fentanyl. Thank you, fentanyl doses. When this really got out, We tried it with a two-liter, and it was like our hands were shaking because we thought we weren't going to be able to close it fast enough and run away. And we just left it on the sidewalk outside of the rec center, and we closed it and ran away. And a cloud descended on an entire block in the neighborhood. I've never wanted to try something more tonight. People's eyes are burning. No one understood what was going on. They heard a loud – there's no wreckage on the ground. They just heard an explosion, and then their faces and eyes hurt. Also, these are like – these are parents that didn't finish high school in this neighborhood, you know what I mean? So it's like, can we do this at my house tomorrow? This is in the wake of 9-11. So we heard sirens pretty quickly after that, and we all piled into our friend's base, and we were just like peeking out. They were going door-to-door knocking and saying, was someone in there fucking with fireworks or something? And just by, I guess, sheer luck, they didn't – Hone it on you guys? They didn't barge in and go, we heard everybody ran into this house, and they just left eventually. I should have gotten in a lot of trouble. Wow. Tim Butterly. The great Tim Butterly, folks. Sweeping round. Big round. Big round for Tim Butterly. All right. In last place with zero points, Layla Ingalls. In fourth place with one point, Luis J. Gomez. Early in the game, boys. Thank you. Got my fans right there. Got the snake pack. Is that a Big Brother, Little Brother program? I don't know, dude. Could also be a Russian nesting doll situation. There's actually younger, weirder looking ones that go inside of the one on the left. Yeah. The only two giant boobs that I'm looking at are these ones right here. I don't even see these guys over here. Alex, sorry. Tied for second place with two points each, Big J. Oakerson and Jamie Lissow. And in first place with six points, Tim Butterly. He's back for blood. He's back for blood. All right, Story Warriors, let's take a quick moment and talk about brunt workwear. First of all, best boots on the planet. So comfortable. The most comfortable boots you'll ever wear. It's like an old pair of sneakers that you're from high school that you love and you never wanted to throw away. 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I used to be very self-conscious about my fat, juicy thighs, but then I started getting all these compliments from hot boys and they're like, "Dude, you need to let those thighs out." Yeah, dude. It's the thickness all day long. You got to have that thigh exposure out there and they don't just make amazing shorts and swimwear. They also have hoodies, rugby shirts, and button downs. They keep you comfy from the beach to a night on the town. All you got to do right now, you got to check them out. For a limited time, Chubby's is giving story wearers $20 off your full price purchase with our code Wars, W-A-R-Z, at chubbysshorts.com. That is code W-A-R-Z at chubbysshorts.com. Don't blend in with the crowd. Stand out with Chubby's with chubbysshorts.com. All right, let's take a quick moment and talk about Ridge Wallet, obviously the best wallets on the planet. Power Bank's crazy. Had it the entire time I was in Spain. The luggage. It's brought to Spain. It's durable. It's amazing. It's sleek. It looks great. And the best products on the planet, but they're doing an amazing sweepstakes right now. It's a legendary sweepstakes and they are bigger and better than ever. From now through September 8th, two lucky winners will get to choose between some amazing prizes like sports cars and cold, hard cash, Jay. You can actually earn additional entries by picking up Ridge gear during the sweepstakes and you can enter completely free at ridge.com. If you're ready to upgrade your wallet and maybe your ride, for a limited time only, go to ridge.com and use the code wars at checkout for 10% off your order and a chance to win. It's crazy. A Lamborghini Huracan Storado. That's the one I would want. Really? Yeah. A Ford Hennessey Velociraptor. That sounds like they just put words together. You get a car, a bottle of liquor and a dinosaur. A souped up Ford Bronco. I hope it's not a cream of. That's going to be hard to get out. Get it? Because there'll be soup in the Ford Bronc. Okay. What is Steve possibly doing? Or 100% of the cars that are going to be sold. I'm going to be buying a Ford Bronco. You took your suspenders off and stole some grapes so you could go make toilet wine? He stepped on them like that commercial with the guys that make the grape juice. This is how young you are. We would have all said the I Love Lucy episode where they made grape wine. I would have said the lady on the news who fucking stomped. Who stomped grapes and then fell and then went, Now, it's not specific about how long ago. This could have been last summer. That's true. That doesn't change anything for me. I haven't picked grapes any summer. I mean, to pick all of the grapes off of a grape vine would be insane. That's like. Womanly behavior? Agreed, Lewis. It's Layla. Kind of. I've got to be honest with you. It's spiteful and meticulous and creative. You're drinking your hatred for your neighbor? That rules. Evil. I mean, we haven't even talked about Lewis and let's not forget that there is a crime being committed and he's always shockingly resourceful and I'm not saying I even think it's him but can we ruminate on it for just a minute here? I grew up in West Havishaw, New York where. No grapes. There were no grapes. Not only were there not grape vines, there were no grapes at the supermarkets. Just raisins. Only raisins. Dead grapes. Yeah, dude. Dried grapes. Dried grapes. Yeah, but please. I'm still getting Jamie or Layla vibes. It could be Jamie. This could be upstate New York and the vineyards of upstate New York if that's a thing. This could be a girl in the eighth grade. That's like eighth grade girl activity. She's like, me and my friends are going to steal all the grapes and make wine for the summer and get fucked up. And then that's why we're sluts. Oh, I fucked the football team because of my homemade grape wine. Blame my neighbors for leaving. Layla, how old are you? I'm 28. 28 years old. All right, I'm going, Layla. Losing stock. This seems like a girl type of activity. Yeah, floor's still open. Everyone else is on the side. I'm locking in Layla as well. Damn, we convinced people too good. Lyssa locks in Layla. Layla locks in Lyssa. Wow. It's a slobber knocker. It's a toss up and I'm meeting both of you for the first time so I don't have enough of a negative mental image of either of you. You know what? I'll go with the crowd. Maybe that's the way to play it safe. Layla. Lots of votes for Layla Ingalls. It's going to be Louis. Alex, everybody's in. I'm flipping the table if it's Louis. No, it's not Louis. He didn't live near grapes. Alex, Alex, whose story was story number three? Story number three belongs to Louis J. I started fucking following J and that was my mistake. I mean, this was, I'm so happy they picked this story because as soon as I remembered it, I was like, oh, this does not sound like a Louis J. Gomez story. Yeah, there was my neighbor, Ryan Nolan. They had a grapevine. They had a grapevine and they sucked. Pino Gomez? Pino Gomez. It's so funny that you say that because the way I thought that you make, I described exactly what I thought. To this day, I've never looked up to see what it was. We took every grape off this grapevine, me and a buddy of mine, and we smashed them all. Now, dude, I shit you not, every grape on the entire grapevine, it was like, I mean, the length of this room, basically, which is massive for the people at home. I mean, so long. It's crazy. But the length of this room and it was like literally, I mean, thousands and thousands of grapes and we took so long to do it and we got one like jug. We had like a glass jug that we poured the juice in. We poured all the grape juice in the glass jug. We left it like near the train tracks, like in the woods for, I want to say, maybe two and a half weeks. We're like, all right, it's wine. Now it's wine. And then me and him drank it in the woods. And then pretended to be drunk for the afternoon as we, I think, probably just made our six with grape poisoning. Hot, spoiled grape juice. Yeah, fucking stomach maggots. Whoa, dude, everything's crazy. Oh, we should try to kiss. We did gay stuff. Oh my God, dude, there's so much wine. What's happening right here? Is this happening? Are we doing this? We're so spacey. I'm so fucked up right now. Oh my God, dude. Anything that would feel good. Oh, that feels crazy good. Dude, it's probably just the stuff we did. We can't tell anyone, but this is not us, dude. We would never do this. Dude, we're so fucked up. Oh my God, dude, I'm still so fucked up. I think I'm getting hard again. You want to try again, though? Big round for Gomez. All right, in last place with zero points, Layla Ingles. I should get an assist. Tied for third place with two points each, Big Jay Oakerson and Jamie Lisso. In second place with five points, Louis J. Gomez. Tim, you can almost taste the grace Gatsby. Because in this classic tale, Gatsby's reunion with Daisy rekindles the romance they lost before he went to war. And for a brief time, his dream seems within reach. But Daisy cannot leave him alone. Leaving behind the life she has built with her husband and Gatsby's carefully imagined future begins to slip away. Wow. All right, Alex, story number four. Story number four. In high school, my neighbors left for summer vacation and my sibling and I realized we could get inside of their house. We lived there for almost an entire week and even ate their food. But the family returned a day earlier than expected and I had to hide under a bed and listen to them wonder who's been inside their home. This is Louis' third story. He's done this to me, but I was home. I think this is such a funny story. They're under the bed listening to the exact scene from Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I mean, this is some shit that I would have done. That same neighbor, by the way, and I told the story in Story Wars before, that same neighbor another summer went away that I sold their grapes and we taped Playboy TV. They had a black box and we went in and we put a four-hour VHS in and we recorded Playboy TV a block for four hours. And turkey. And turkey. We. I was regularly breaking in this neighbor's house so I would do this, but I swear to you, this ain't my story. How can it be? It's not. You'll be wasting your vote, Jay. Well, yeah, living there an entire week is crazy. Yeah. In high school, living there an entire week is crazy because, like, whose parents wouldn't have given a fuck if they didn't come back on high school? Yeah, I couldn't have gotten away with it. I could have stayed somewhere. I could have stayed somewhere for an entire week. There's no way I could have stayed somewhere else. So here's the next fact that a lot of people don't know and I don't mean to, you know, blow this up, but it's just the truth and we're playing the game so we gotta play the game. Layla has an OnlyFans and that makes me think absentee parents. So. That makes me think I'm gonna get this show over with. You say it's Layla, I'm gonna vote Layla. Jay just locks in his answer. Layla, that's fine. Next one's Jay. Next one's Tim. Just put me down for Tim for the rest. Whatever the outcome is. Mark me down for Tims across the board. This has. Layla, do you have any sisters? I have one older brother. I don't have a sister. What did he do? What did that son of a bitch do to you? No, it was my dad that thought I was hot, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I promise you, Louis can take you away from all that. How do you feel about dogs and a lot of gym equipment where furniture should be? I don't think Tim would have been able to hide under a bed. It's a captain's bed. You have any siblings, Jamie? I have a sister. I have an older sister. I don't like the idea of a brother and sister playing house in an unattended. I was hoping one of you would have a sister. Same-sex sibling. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I've a real sister And then three older half-brothers Two of them lifelong wiggers Not important I have two terminal wigger half-brothers I respect the hell out of that So Tim, this is the fourth story I've had two stories already Tim's had one story Could it be a double Tim? Look, Butterly is a wacky fucking Butterly is a One of the nicest people I've ever met Wouldn't harm a fly But you're built You're deep down your garbage Just like me This is where we have commonality And you would commit a crime As long as it was perceived to be victimless This would be a victimless crime In Tim Butterly's mind I do think that the family is wronged But I see where you're going I do think that goods have been consumed And It's minimal He seems like a science guy too Obviously if you figured out how to get inside Maybe there was an alarm system That you figured out how to get around And you were like Oh shit, we can like hack this And get inside Well, Layla, you just made your bed, sis He just seems like a science guy That's all I'm saying This is the second time you brought up Tim seeming like a science guy Where is this coming from? Those are sunglasses on his head He's wearing a brand of shirt you've never seen What's slap science about this guy? He's holding a brick of vape He's got gold teeth He made a chlorine cloud I don't know how to do that That's true That's science That is a science guy I also think Getting up to mischief Where you just live in a furnished house Is very girl coded Boys want to like get lost in the woods Yeah, boys would take hammers And smash up the walls Yeah, yeah Fucking piss in the fish tank We would stand across the street And break all the windows Come on, everything Yeah What if we broke into their house And I don't know Ate their snacks That's, this is That seems like something Poor people would do Yeah But Jamie said he grew up poor This could be an upstate Rochester thing Everybody here grew up poor He loves snacks Dude, she's I don't know Louis' family had a fucking vineyard Yeah, I don't realize Your shitty apartment Was next to a fucking vineyard, dude My neighbors I don't know Grape vines Oh, that was my neighbor's castle A boy's not Not my chalet Jamie's being very quiet right now Yeah And Jamie grew up poor This is some Once again, suburban behavior You had a sibling, Jamie? I'm sorry I have an older sister Older sister She's a year older You went a year older Very close to the same age Could be fun Where were the parents? Louis is talking so much Louis is talking so much Right now Leading this show So, Tim, tell me a little bit about He's fucking Donahue-ing it Because this could be fucking Louis' third story Already in the first half This does slap up Louis Him and his sister are both pieces of shit All they do is complain to each other's friends About what piece of shit they are My sister in high school was painfully shy She's not breaking into anyone's house If you told her to No Please, no Guys, it's me Please Please Don't talk to me Don't fall for this shit I'm so like I don't know who to select I have nothing I'll get the voting going How was your relationship with your neighbors? I was just thinking I wonder if Louis just noticed Fucking for sale signs going up With all the neighbors he fucked over Oh, it's possible Jamie, you can hide behind your jokes while you want Okay But here we are with my vote for Jamie Lysso And I'll tell you right now Put it in a rattlesnake Ain't never wrong Goddamn it That makes me think it's Louis even more Who'd you vote for? Layla? Jamie Lysso votes for Big J I'm locking Big J Why Big J, Jamie? Because it's him? I just felt like them, right? I've been some leading the people Just a guess That's why I think it's Jamie Because it's my sibling My siblings are A decade younger than me 11, 15, and 19 years younger than me That'd be crazy That'd be a second crime that you should be charged with That'd be crazy Yeah, I'm contributing to the delinquency of a minor And breaking into a house Breaking and entering Layla, why Jamie? He's being quiet and not giving up much information I like it Detective Layla I'm going Jamie because Big J was such a bad guess It makes me think that he forgot to come up with a cover story This is so not Big J at all Big J is not a big guy Breaking into a house guy Live there for a week Live there for a week, guy It's crazy Alex, all of our answers are in Tell us why this is Jamie Lyssa Story number four belongs to Layla Ingers Fuck! Fuck! Big J had her number Layla, what happened here? Where was your dad? Why were your parents not around for this? I was not living My father was not living with us We were My parents are divorced We lived in a suburban neighborhood in Dayton, Ohio My neighbor had a huge crush I do have a little sister I lied Oh I lied Wait, you have a little sister? I do have a little sister Toy I'm the middle kid Pretty toy And the neighbor It was two guys And they had a huge crush on my little sister And I was like They left for family vacation And you know in high school You like really want a place to hang out without parents And she was like I just had my home One was killed And one was a prostitute junkie, you see I don't know if you saw Lewis' Wikipedia I see I add to it weekly Well, she was like Hey, if you let us stay in your house While your parents are gone We'll like have sex in your bed Like her and another guy And she was like And it'll smell like me And he was so like Yeah, I have sex in my bed Hold on, wait a minute You have You have the coolest sister ever? She is pretty cool So then we stayed in their house for the whole week And we were like eating their food They even had like a family digital camera with the chip And this was back when Wii's were Nintendo Wii's were big We put the chip in the Wii And we went through their family photos and stuff They had taken We wore some of their clothes That's psychotic, that part I know We were all like What a fun jaunt One hour photo And then we're like So anyway, they came home And it turns out You have to like starve them for a while If you're going to be able to wear the skin Because it has to have like a give Because the sewing is going to take a few inches off So you have to make sure they're like Well, they were like a very Christian Put together family They loved each other So we were kind of just like Pretending we were in like a nice We were a nice family, you know We slept in their bed We had sex all over their house Wow And then they came back And he was like Hell yeah, it smells like sex in here But then we didn't know They came back early You were holding You were under the bed Holding jizz inside of yourself They came back early Oh my gosh, you didn't answer that That's crazy She went Oh, you were at my Ask me anything This was before we had cell He didn't have a cell phone So he couldn't text me He couldn't text us and be like Hey, we're actually coming back a day early So then we just hear a door open The garage door go up And we're like Fuck, fuck, fuck We have to hide So I went under a bed And she made it out the back door And ran back to our house Through the backyard But I was under the bed Shaking so hard Because they were like What? It looks like someone's been here She was like There's cheese all over the oven Because we We made a pizza There's cheese all over our bedposts Oh, there's more cum here on the floor There's so much cum It could be cheese Could be cum I just don't know Not Cum Hun, over here, look More cum And regular sized condoms Ladies and gentlemen Welcome to another game of Is it cum or is it cheese? With Layla Ingalls Cheese or cum? Sorry Yeah, so you guys think I'm pretty cool now, huh? Hell yeah, hell yeah Layla Ingalls Great story Halfway through the show Where are our points at? Alexandra All right In last place With Two points Jamie Lysso In fourth place With three points Layla Ingalls In third place With four points Big Jay Oakerson In second place With five points Louis James Jay Gomez And in first place With six points Tim Butterly Super close game Anyone's game Halfway through Let's get some plugs real quick from our guests Tim Butterly, what are you plugging? Brand new special Brand new special Gas Digital presents 30 Minutes with Tim Butterly My debut stand-up special Coming to YouTube It'll be on the Tim Butterly YouTube channel YouTube channel, Tuesday, August 18th is the date I got, so subscribe now and get it notified when it comes out. I think you'll really enjoy it. Thank you very much. Jamie Lyssa. I just want to tell everybody about Tim's special. I got a bunch of dates coming up all over the place. roberschneidersfriend.com for my dates. Is that your website? Yeah, I also own greggutfeldsfriend.com Very nice. Smart. I'm the guy behind the guy. Smart. Layla Ingalls. You can find me on punchup.live slash laylaingalls for all my dates and stuff. I'll be in Buffalo, New York and Bend, Oregon coming up and then also if you're into OnlyFans, I'm on there. That's pornography, yeah? Lewis, quickly. I'm gay, so if you want to just give me a complimentary membership, I'll check it out and I'll let you know if there's any health issues in your body. I'm good at lighting, so I can let you know if you have any lighting issues. Yeah, I'm a doctor, too. I'm a gay doctor. Anyway, guys, check me out later on tonight looking at Layla Ingalls' OnlyFans. We should live stream me and you masturbating. Just jerking each other off. Oh, there's nothing gay. It's Layla. Oh, Layla. Oh my god, we just met her earlier. She was so normal. Look at this. What is she doing? She seems so much better than this. It's great. Anyway, come see us on the road, right? Story Wars Live coming to a city near you soon. We're selling out on the road all the time. That happened. Get on the waiting list for that. That's already done. Or it's coming soon. It was crazy. You should have been there. BigJComedy.com GomezComedy.com I blew up a fucking chlorine bubble. If you love the show, get the uncensored ad-free version. It comes out every Monday night. Before it goes to YouTube or anywhere else, you can get it on GasDigital.com. There's the live chat as well, which is incredible. Probably 80 episodes that are no longer available anywhere else at the entire on-demand library. Go to GasDigital, download the app, use the promo code WAR, save a couple bucks a month, and it supports the show directly. And, yeah, that's that. Right? That is that. That's about it. Thank you. We have hit the second half of the show where things get really interesting because even where somebody could feel like they're way out of this game, this game is one round from turning completely around because, and if it's your first time here, Laura, I know it's your first time here. Layla. You're right. He was gonna point at the spelling. He pointed at the spelling. He would have jerked off to a different girl tonight. It would have taken me three more minutes to fucking finish because I would have been like, who the fuck is Layla? Nobody's out of this game because for the second half, we go double points. It's a very, very simple concept. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point, and if you guessed correctly, you got two points. But that now jumps up to double points. Yeah. It's pretty fucking sweet. It's pretty fucking sweet, dude. Alex, story number five. Story number five. I filmed a commercial one summer where I needed to have my shirt off. I was told it would be worth lots of money. I made $300, got a hospital trip worth of sunburn, and the commercial never came out. Hmm. All right. I'm getting Big J vibes, and I'll tell you. Yeah. Yes, you who've been in the business for 35 years when commercials were a big deal at one point. 28 years. Never booked a commercial once. The story of it needing to have your shirt off is something that would stick with J. Like, that's not a. Like, for anybody. It would stick with me, too, and it's not me. So, anybody else on this panel. I can't argue that. I mean, I guess Layla, it could be her story, but I don't think they put a shirtless girl in a commercial. In a commercial, yeah. So, for anybody. Oh, maybe it's one of those, like, common 40 seconds commercials. Oh, like, yeah, you play this game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll make you come in 40 seconds. That is a great point. It could be that. But it's only 300. It's only $300. Oh, yeah. What if it was a commercial for tits? Okay. Yeah, like, get them. Where the back end is gonna be more money. Well, then it definitely is Big J. So. Folks, $300. Back when J. started in comedy, $300 was a lot of money. So. Oh, yeah. It would have been a lot of money for sure. I never booked a commercial. Ever. You booked a lot of things. This. What do you think about it? Movies, TV shows, talking head shows. No, you're wrong. Can I tell you about that? It's so funny. I never. I booked one thing ever from an audition with Z Rock, a show I was on for two seasons. And then it was canceled. Everything after that was just something like, hey, the person who did the thing wants you to do the thing. It didn't say booked. It says I filmed. I've never done a commercial ever. Stop yelling at me. We're having a fun time right now. You're gonna yell at me in front of these women's tits? How dare you? No, not right in front of tits. Not right in front of these tits. Oh, great. Now she's softening up. You happy, dude? Now I can't see the little pointy part anymore. I don't even know where nipples are anymore. You happy? Yeah, I think. I'm looking over your shoulder. I'm seeing that piece of shit. It's making me furious. Oh, it's making me right as mad. Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine it being anybody else on this panel, but. I feel like this could be Jamie. Please. I've actually been in a couple commercials and every one that I did, I got. My face was supposed to be in it and then at the end, like, my shoulder was in this bank commercial. Really? And my forearm was in a commercial for Cablevision and they would always cut me out. So I've never. I've never had my shirt off in a commercial. I've just had some parts of my body in it. That wasn't. That was way too specific of a story. I'm not buying the connection between those two facts. I feel like you guys don't get sunburned. You're both pretty tan. I feel like that's a shot at me. Well, Lewis, this is Hispanic, and Jay's people control the weather. I'm all weather. I can get a sunburn for sure, but I just don't do a lot of outside sun stuff. Yeah, I've never gone to the hospital for sunburn. Never been in a commercial. This is not me. Yeah, hospital for sure. I put sunscreen on for that fucking light. Yeah, that's why I think it's Jamie. That's what I have early. It could be Jamie. It's either Big Jay or Jamie right now is what I got going on. Where I need to have my shirt off. Oh, I guess, you know what? That part of the story is. is valuable because he got sunburned. Yeah, I was thinking more of like a thing where like that sunburn. Embarrassed of having my shirt off, you piece of shit? Yes. Yeah, I don't think Jay would even. It does make more sense though now. It does. As you say that, yes. Jay wouldn't even show his doctor his body at the hospital. Correct. That is true. Yeah. Jamie has like commercial hair and skin. Like, he'll sell you a shirt. I always slap one early who I feel and Jamie is my first one. I'm locking it in. I'm going to get the voting going. Jamie, only because I was interpreting it wrong the whole time. Jamie also hasn't had a story yet tonight. Has done some commercials. Been on TV a bunch. Pale as fucking a ghost. Everyone thinks it's Jamie. Just because he looks the most likely to need a doctor for sunburn. Lock it in, Jamie. I'm going Big Jay. It could be Big Jay. I wasn't able to select Jamie. You have to lock it in. Oh yeah, lock it in. Shit. You're alright. Okay. Sorry, I had this on OnlyFans and it fucked it up. God damn it. Wait until after the show. Dude, be a gentleman. We're fathers. Everyone hears fathers. Alex, all of our answers are locked in. Everyone votes for Jamie. Jamie votes for Big Jay. Whose story was story number five? Story number five belongs to Big Jay. Damn it. I had you the whole time. Oh, I was locked in on Big Jay. Every part of it, I was locked in on. How right was I about every part that I had right? Every part. I got booked to be in a Hall's Mentholiptus commercial. I knew you were booked in a Hall's commercial. You probably know the story in some weird way, but I went to go film at Columbia Stadium. It was middle of summer. Fucking scorching hot sun, but it's playing for it's football season. They're trying to do a football commercial, so it's supposed to be the winter time, so everybody's and in my mind, the only reason I would never agree to be in shirtless, but they were like, I was like, well, I'll be the one guy who's not hot all day in a winter jacket in 95 degree weather. and my character was to be painted yes green yes head to toe with a s in my own skin color by the way back then big j had no facial hair he looked like shrek yes he's not wrong and so i sat there all day filming this thing with the s and my thing and then when it was over i went and took a shower and then realized right away when i washed the green off that i'd gotten sun poisoning almost in an s on my body so i take care of that and that's uh and then everyone was telling me that goes this is the halls and you guys might remember the campaign was the thing where someone's stuffy and then they take halls and then they end up in a sauna with two big russian guys and towels and they would go breathe breathe and then the steam would come over the screen they'd be doing whatever activity they wanted to do for their thing and i couldn't wait and it just remembered every beat of this commercial no no no there was there was a campaign where there was always that something wanted to do something and then they'd be like oh i'm gonna do this and then they'd be like oh i'm gonna do something they couldn't because they were sick the guys in the sauna would tell you to breathe and then you'd be doing the activity you wanted to do the guy told me when i was like man i don't really want to leave my shirt off he goes let me tell you something he goes i did one of these last year for halls this campaign goes i made seventy thousand dollars last year just in this commercial and i went let me take my fucking shirt off i made three hundred dollars it never came out on tv ever all i got was that hospital sunburn but i'll tell you what i got here a lot of points i'll tell you what i just got a boner as i watched her walk to and from the bathroom did you see that i know her ass was great it was crazy how righteous she was where'd you find this girl in an attic very unassuming holy shit she's hot very unassuming this is why they could be a fucking receptionist somewhere boring yeah total night's sleep night slut oh that's a great podcast you guys should start a podcast with night sluts have fun with that babe night sluts you guys me and her you and her i don't know her do it come on have fun kiss her kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss only fans only fans only fans all right look at seraphina chant along with us god bless her you guys can all kiss each other have fun with that babe seraphina strap vong off that's part of her uh her summer yeah i know it's part of the look that's your fucking get a professor fired collection seraphina can i speak to you real quick after class for a moment i would like to talk about you've got so much potential but i feel like you're not given 110 percent if i could work with you on an individual level alex we're a point set five stories down we're killing it here all right in last place with three points layla ingles it's okay you're gonna make so much more money tonight i i also do stand up too oh yeah yeah that is the important thing that's the important part in fourth place with five points lewis j gomez tied for second place with six points each jamie liso and tim butterly and in first place with 10 points this could be a huge night for big j we shall see it's been a while five lots of time lots of gameplay left here three stories left all right story warriors let's take a quick moment and thank factor meals for supporting the show factor meals are designed by dietitians prepared by real chefs ready in just two minutes no planning no cooking no dishes afterwards i'll tell you right now i love factor meals i i live alone half the time right my son's only with me half the time i don't need to go grocery shopping and spend 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be healthy and it's going to be tastes really good without having to put any thought into it it's a great way to do it right now you can uh eat real baby head to factormeals.com slash wars 50 off that's w-a-r-z-5-0-0-f-f and use that code wars get 50 off and one free breakfast item per box for a year while supplies last until october 31st 2026 once again that is code wars 50 off at factormeals.com see website for more details all right story warriors let's take a quick moment and talk about body brain coffee which is a company that i started that has been taking the functional coffee world by storm obviously body brain coffee helps with testosterone support brain function and overall mood but i want to talk which is finally here and it was specifically designed to stack perfectly with body brain coffee it's not some sugary grocery store creamer loaded with garbage ingredients this is a functional creamer built to actually do something for you we packed it with mct oil with for clean energy collagen peptides cordyceps mushrooms for endurance and stamina rhodiola rosea to help manage stress and focus coconut milk powder and a little bit of ceylon cinnamon it tastes great it is sugar free it is dairy free you could put it with any coffee any tea any you could even put scoop it into your mouth it tastes so goddamn good uh it helps with energy mood focus recovery overall vitality without the crash or the jitters this is a super cup of coffee instead of taking 10 pills every morning you can get all of your nootropics and adaptogens with one cup of coffee so right now all you got to do is go to bodybraincoffee.com use the promo code war 20 to save 20 off today you can subscribe and receive the coffee every single month and the creamer every single month if you do that you're going to get 20 off and free shipping right now go to bodybraincoffee.com use that promo code war 20 and try out the brand new body brain creamer okay where were we alex story number six story number six i almost drowned on vacation on a nude beach and was eventually rescued by a naked man wearing only a snorkel huh what all right lewis went huh i've uh i've been to a nude beach you have oh yeah did you do it yeah i know i can picture now you're walking your dicks just like doing like it's like yeah it doesn't like swing around it just goes like every time you start dude i didn't i didn't i didn't i didn't walk around dude damn right you don't you lay in your back with your legs wide open with with a and i was with i was with my girlfriend at the time and i remember just like constantly being like all right stay semi hard and i would look i would find a thousand reasons to put a peace sign around my the base of my dick i go oh man it's fucking sticky and it was a lot of like it was a lot of it like being semi hard and like laying on like on my i'm like i don't even want to say my stomach because it's not that big but the area between my stomach and my gun yeah i would lay on it and uh yeah my but i didn't almost drown it and i mean i did swim it was fun i was enjoying nude beach was enjoyable very enjoyable it was in jamaica with kim congan i think it was lewis please jay do you think jay do you think that if i almost drowned on a nude beach that today no no would be the first time you heard this story please don't let's not get into a fight i don't think this is you at all well i'm saying it's funny i'm saying it's funny to keep thinking about you walking and your wiener just doing this yeah yeah that just makes me laugh i just had nothing to do with that no i was i was i was responding to tim because tim was uh projecting this could be tim tim for sure would walk around a nude beach he's uh he's a hippie dip by nature uh i don't know why he would drown almost he seems like a good swimmer probably a strong swimmer and i don't know but yeah i don't know if he's a good swimmer i don't know if he's a good swimmer i don't know if he goes on a nude beach i don't know if he's a vacations guy quite honestly i'm not so i don't know maybe this i can see jay wearing a t-shirt to the nude beach it doesn't say i'm a t-shirt sweatpants doesn't say you were nude you pulled me out in soaking wet denim jorts i don't disagree with this everything you're saying is right absolutely i always thought you would be nude or nude beach i would absolutely go on a nude beach in my jorts and jordans yeah and fucking to have like a you know and not even turned on metal detectors so I could look at puss. But there's no reason I would drown ever. Layla, are you a good swimmer? I am a good swimmer, yeah. And you're good at naked. And I'm good at being rescued by men. And you love being rescued. And you're a damsel by nature. If I'm a naked man with a snorkel on a nude beach and I see a lady drowning, I'm going to go, it might look bad. It's very possible. It's hard to just, like, you know what, dude? I would rather you drown. Hey, what are you doing to that woman? That's not what it looks like. I would rather her die than be accused of sexual assault. This is Jamie Lissow. He's got a thick, dense dick that drags him down. He keeps thinking every year, he's like, if I exercise more and get my body in shape, I'll be able to support this dick in the water. And every year, it's the same story. He goes down. He goes down without telling anybody where he's at. And he gets dragged down. And then this same guy, weirdly enough, same guy every year, has to pull him out and revive him with a snorkel on while both their dicks are out. He's like, there's Jamie Lissow. Early selection, Jamie Lissow. What if the snorkel wasn't on his face? Okay, now it's you, you slut. You deplorable slut. Now I know it's you. What if it was, like, over his junk, like Adam and Eve, you know? Oh, like fig leaves. Like, beefy. I like that. Okay. Now we're thinking out loud. I've never, uh. I've gone to a beach. I've actually never swam at a beach before. Because you can't swim because you're fucking naked and you just want to look at pussy, you creep. It's Jamie. I changed my mind. It's Jamie. And I'm locking the motherfucker in. He's got the biggest dick, dude. Does he have a big dick? You're just assuming this, or do you know this? Look at him. I bet it's nice. Also, wait a minute. What does a big dick have to do with anything? You don't go on a nude beach unless you have a big dick. No, I don't have a big dick. I went on a nude beach. It was fun. It wouldn't have been fun if I was there to remind you and everyone's looking at your wiener going. The only reason you know that so well is because that's what your dick does. That's why I don't go on a nude beach. Chicken and the egg, dude. All right, it's not me or Big Jay. It's just not me or Lewis. If it's Lewis, I'll be so upset. Layla, very comfortable in nudity. Have you been to a nude beach before? No, I actually haven't been. I've always wanted to. You would do it, though. It's like a dream of mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a dream. That's an attainable dream. It's also. Wow, you and I have the exact same dream. It's like having a dream of having a Netflix subscription. I would also like to see you at a nude beach. That'd be pretty sick. I have a dream of one day getting a GED. Yeah. Tim Butterly, you're not yet. You're very recent. Unfortunately, Tim's new money, so Tim. I'm actually pre-new money. Yeah, you're. But he's been. It's coming. Tim's about to be new money. It's coming. But he's always had a big fat cock, for sure. Jamie Lyssa, I guess this is kind of just. By pure deduction, I'm going to put my vote in for Jamie Lyssa. This is a shot. Tim doesn't know how to swim. He did great. I'm going to jump. You've got to lock it. Jamie. I've never done it before. Jamie votes for Tim. I'm going Tim. I felt like he was trying to lead people towards me. I don't know. This is hard. I think you've spent a lot of time at beaches, right, Lewis? I love vacationing. You made a face of embarrassment when this story was read. Did I? Yeah, yeah. Because he's worried that when he takes you on a tropical vacation, you're going to see this little wiener on a nude beach. They got to accept the wiener before we get to the tropical beach, Jamie. Oh. No, no, no. Way before we get to the tropical beach, they've accepted the wiener. I thought you said. He goes, they were actually trapped by land in having to deal with your wiener, and then you will treat them accordingly when you go back home. Yeah. Isn't your quote, no is closer to a yes? That is true. Every no is closer to a yes, especially if you cover her mouth. That she was on a mug, but they stopped selling it. Layla, what are you thinking here? This is very hard. I'm between you or Tim. I'm going with the naked woman. It does seem obvious when you put it that way. Okay, okay. Wait a second. Naked woman? I like that. I never considered it could just be the naked woman. Why wouldn't I just vote naked woman every time? Okay, I decided differently. Layla votes for Jamie Lyssa. Wow. All of her answers are in. Alex, whose story was story number six? Story number six belongs to Jamie Lyssa. You did it. Yeah, I was swimming in Hawaii, and it was a nude beach, and everybody dove into the water because there were these dolphins. And so I just dove into the water, but I don't know how to swim very well. And the water took us immediately out, and it was really awesome. And all of a sudden, I was like, oh, shit, I got to get back in there. And I literally almost died. I had that riptide thing where you use all your energy, and you look up, and you're no closer. Yeah. And I was just running out of energy. And when I was still far away, this naked man with a snorkel started making his way towards me. And I remember thinking, I don't know if I want to owe this guy a favor. But I ended up on my own power when I saw that man. I found the strength to get to shore. And afterwards, we went to a gift shop, and they had a book about Hawaii. And it said that beach of all beaches in Hawaii, like 12 people died. And they die every year at that beach. And they die because they don't want that guy to help rescue them. He goes out there, but they turn him down. Say what you will about Jamie Lissow. His homophobia is stronger than his fear. Get off me, queer. I'm going through this cave alone. Jamie, did you tell this? Was that like a viral story at one point or something? I don't know. I honestly didn't even remember that story until recently. Okay, no, I don't want to remember. Maybe this is just another one of my dreams. I was the penis being rescued. You've got to stop dreaming about Jamie Lissow. Alex, we're points at six stories down. All right. In last place, with six points, Tim Butterly. Wow. Whoa. What a flip-flop. Tim was in the lead the entire game so far. Whoa. His wife just walked out. In fourth place with seven points, Layla Ingalls. Lewis, wait to look up our only fan so the fucking show's over, you creep. I mean, can you be not a piece of shit? In third place with eight points, Jamie Lysso. In second place with nine points, Louis J. Gomez. And in first place with 14 points, Big J. Oakerson. Could be one of them nights. It could be one of them nights. Anybody's game, folks. Big J. with a nice, comfortable lead right now. Two more stories. Shut up, don't say that. Alex. I'd be willing to bet Big J. is not going to win this game. Fuck you, dude. That hurts my feelings. Look, if he ever wins, it's a real come-from-behind victory, usually. He never has a comfortable lead for a while. I'm a person who feels things. Alex, story number seven. Story number seven. I once checked into a campground on day one of a two-week search-and-rescue mission. And I found out that I was going to be taken to the nearby river for a boy who was taken by the nearby river. It's one of these two. Louis, if this is you, dude, this is not you. It's not you. No. We remember about the time you were on a rescue squad for a boy, a missing boy. This seems like Ohio shit. That story rules. It's crazy. Taken by the nearby river is just a great sentence. Taken. It's a great song. Taken by the nearby river. It's beautiful, actually. It sounds like poetry. By the way, a two-week search. The kid's not by the river anymore. He's raped and dead in a fucking house somewhere far from the river. Well, you gotta look where that river spills out into. Look into whatever that giant body of water is. It's not the river. Yeah, let me kill a kid by the river and then stay by the river. Yeah, the only time that works is if it's a lazy river. That's true. That is true. And it comes around again. So here's the. All right, all ready. All right, first thing first. Okay, this is a dark, funny story. Tim Butterly, dark and funny. Tim also like. I don't think this is funny. No, this is hilarious. That's what's crazy. This is very funny. This is very funny. This is a hilarious story. And Tim's a check into a campground guy. Tim is a check into a campground type of guy. That's what got me. Tim has been a dad since he was like 20 years old. He's got three kids. Big family for a very, very long time. This is the type of thing that poor people from Kensington do, is they go to campgrounds with their family. You love campgrounds with your family. There's some great missing kid bits on his new special. Totally. Also, yeah, it's true, it's not out yet, but you'll see. And I'm looking at his, I'm trying to read his wife's face right now, and she's trying to hold it all in right now, but she's telling me right now. She still holds the guilt for never finding the boy. You didn't even join the search. You guys just did your camping trip while it happened around you. They were playing frisbee. Oh, God. All right, guys, just do me a favor. Put the lid on the grill for a second. These guys are link arm walking past us again. They're sweeping again. Hey, guys, any luck? You guys want to call waters? Or will you circle back then? Tim, you and the kids are making s'mores while people are like. You guys want to buy this? We got a six-foot hero. What if they were searching upstream the wrong direction? I think this is Tim. Tim doesn't have any response to this shit. By the way, if I get out of the city, it's Wildwood, New Jersey, until the day I fucking die. Fuck yeah, dude. Childhood, what up? Hell yeah. It used to be kind of white, too, and that was really sick. Oh, remember when the black kids came in with super soakers? It used to be an Irish beach town, and that was heaven, man, but it's still okay. I don't know. I know Jamie moved to Alaska. That's true. But also Ohio. In Alaska, the kids just slide down the ice river. That's true. Also, Jamie moved to Alaska exclusively to find lost children. It's not being done enough. The forgotten Inuit kids of Alaska. For a two-week search and rescue mission, I mean, by day three. Unless you're the mom and dad, I mean, go home. What are you doing? If it's your kid, I understand being out there, but I'm not spending two weeks searching for somebody else's kid. I know. You've got to tell him, by day six, you walk back to the family, we're just looking for a body now. I'm sorry, guys. And if he's not dead, you're going to wish he was. You're like, guys, listen, save yourself the money on a cold cut tray for tomorrow. We're all going home. This kid's gone. These people are getting pretty bored walking around. Have we thought about a GoFundMe? Can I tell you something? If your kid's missing for eight days, you should hope they're dead, because if you get it back, it's going to be fucked up forever. Now you've got a whole new burden. That's a science body, and Tim loves science. Tim loves science, and that's why I'm voting Tim Butterly. That's exactly what she said the last time that it was her and she was deflecting. Shit. I already locked it in. I fucked up then. It's Layla. I've got her tail locked in. It's Layla or Tim right now. It's Tim or Layla. Hmm. Is it me? That is something to consider. All right. I'm going Layla. My instinct is bringing me to her. I'm going Layla. I think she's got some darkness in her. Thank you. I am like a quarter black, yeah. Nice. Layla votes for Tim Butterly. Alex, all of her answers are in. Whose story was story number seven? Story number seven belongs to. Tim Butterly. Fuck! You know, it's nice to finally get a taste of those motherfucking double points. Yeah, it's, I mean, that's kind of the story we. It's right. Camping is poor people shit, and I'm a lifelong poor person, and, uh. My sister lived in Oregon for seven years. We would fly out, stay at her place, and go and do nature shit, and we checked into a campground in Oregon, and the day we got there, I was stopping for firewood, and this nice old lady said, by the way, if you see any helicopters or ambulances, they are looking for a boy. Also, if you see a. If you trip over a corpse or something, here's a number. If you hear screaming in the night, just know, and I had. I was by myself at the wood buying, so I went back to the campsite, and Mary Jo's already, like, I don't know if we should have our two-year-old in the wilderness in Oregon, and I'm like, it's probably fine. And I got back. She's a serial killer. And they're all sitting around, like, the campfire pit, and I was just like, hey, guys, I just want to. I thought about keeping this from you, but they are looking for a missing boy starting right now. And the story was that there was this. There was a beautiful, gorgeous river that was fucking moving while we got there, and the dad and the son went out on canoes, and the dad kept. and the boy kept going. Oh, no. And the dad swam to shore. Nice. Now, he was also. No, they even tell you on planes, you got to save yourself before you put the mask on the kid. Well, that's funny. That's funny, because when I got back to the campsite and I told Mary Jo that, she said, you better not come out of that river alone if that's you. That's true. So the dad gets to the shore, and he had to camp overnight. He was with the fish. He was like, this is the boy. What a tricker, like when you change pets on a baby. I'm going to lay him down. He's pretty tuckered out. To salmon? To river salmon? No, he brushed his teeth while we were walking through the woods. Got him. Got him. Just love it. Got him. He was so far from camp, he had to stop overnight and lay down until the morning. The dad? Before he could even get back and report the boy missing. Oh, he went through every emotion. He was sad. Then he was thinking about how it was kind of cool to have some time for him. He goes. Yeah, he goes, how long ago did you miss him? Did you lose him? He goes, about three waterfalls ago. He probably even had a couple of minutes where he was like, he's probably okay. Yeah, hopefully an eagle just picked him up and flew off. But then, dude, the reason they kept searching was they were like, well, the boy has enough survival skills that if he was able to get to shore himself, I bet you he could last overnight. Yeah, dude. I found out later he was like nine years old, dude. It's like. Buddy, the nirvana baby breathes underwater to get a dollar. Kids are crazy, dude. Kids can do a lot. Kids can do a lot. If you believe. If you just believe in yourself and throw your kid in the water naked and give it money. If it's Jewish, it'll breathe. It'll instinctually grow gills and breathe to get that dollar. And that's why we're the chosen people. Seven stories down. All right. In last place with eight points. Alex, are you freaking out about the Jews with gills? It's not. I'm just kidding. They don't grow gills. She's always been afraid that Jews would grow gills one day. I saw that on her. She was like, fuck, that's real? Jamie Lysso. In fourth place with nine points. Luis J. Gomez. In third place with ten points. Tim Butterly. We're coming back. In second place with 11 points. Layla Ingalls. And in first place with 18 points. Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson. Still in first place. A three-person game. Tim Butterly, Layla Ingalls, and Big Jay all can win it right here. We have one more story. Buddy, we. I can't fucking wait to read this book. I never thought I wanted to read it before. But now that I know that the novel builds towards a heartbreaking conclusion that leaves Gatsby's vision of love and success shattered through his rise and fall, the great Gatsby delivers a timeless reflection on ambition, illusion, and the price of chasing a dream that can never truly be achieved. Truly be claimed. The Gatsby. In sans.5 font. I feel like you just said more words than are in the book. Oh, no. All the words are in there. They're just. Get your fucking microscope, dude. We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen. Are you ready for your final story? Come on! New York Comedy Club sold out. Show. Thousands of people in attendance. Alex, story number eight. Story number eight. I was at a party on the beach and I got arrested for peeing outside. I was so drunk that I tried to bribe the officers to let me go by offering them comp tickets to the comedy club. It did not work. Someone said, someone said, Lewis, dude, I used free tickets to a comedy club for every. It was completely, it was tender in my life for 15 years. If I got in an accident with somebody, I go, I'm sorry, we had that little fender bender. Here's some free tickets, comedy club tickets. It was my tip to cable guys and shit, so this is. I just feel like it could be anybody. You tip cable guys? Yeah. Party at a beach is not me. It's not me. It might be you, but probably not. Nope. Chip? Dicks Love Parties on Beaches, Tim Butterly, The Whore of the Shore, Wildwood in 2007. I think most people enjoy a party at the beach. That's fine. Not me. Bribing a cop. So here's the thing. This is like, Lyssa, you said you used to have a drinking thing, right? You used to drink a lot? Me? Yes, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is like- Problematically so. Yeah. Nice. And Lyssa has been a comic for the better part of 45 years. Yeah. This is an old, you know, late 90s- Vaudeville, fucking traveling snake oil salesman type of stuff. Yeah. I had just done Arms. I'm too young for this. What? Yeah, also, that's not the first bribe you'd offer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, if I'm a girl- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The last thing is I'm going, you want to go to a free comedy show? You want to go see girl comedy to get me out of this? Hey, you know what it'll feel like as even Stevens as you hitting your quota? Watching girl comedy against your will. And you can't leave because you got tickets from the girl. You used to bark for tickets all the time. Damn right you did. Well, I used to sell tickets, but it's very close. No, it's the same thing, though. He just barked. He was a dumb piece of shit. But no, you're good now. You're in the lead. You're in the lead. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't change your history. So, you think I always had tickets on me at all times? He did. He did. By the way- I did. I did. But I'll tell you what, Lewis wouldn't get- Can I give you a compliment now? Please. Lewis wouldn't give us tickets away because this motherfucker, I just- I'm telling you, it was the craziest thing. I didn't believe what he did because we were friends, but I didn't watch him sell tickets. I just saw him at the comedy clubs. And then, many times, we would be walking around. And I'd be like, you just do it. Just cold to people. And I would go, sell those people tickets. And, I mean, at a fucking two out of three percent clip, he would sell. He would just get $20 from a person. He'd just stop in the street with a lip ring in his lip. And he would just go, hey, weird couple, give me $20. It's essentially what he does. It's about a 15-minute pitch to go, give me $20 and I'll stop bothering you. And they're like, all right, just get out of my face. It worked. It was brilliant. But this- He said the lip ring. Like, you don't have to do that. You don't have three nose rings. It's different. No, it's different. No, no, no. That's different, though. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I understand women and shit. Louis can't bribe officers. We're both dressed like the bad guys from Waterworld. Is that too specific? Me and Louis are beach party people at this point. No, that's- Drunk and bribing. It just doesn't feel like you or me. This feels like Jamie Lisso. Feels like Jamie or maybe even to Tim Butterly. It could be a Tim Butterly going down the fucking Wildwood trying to bribe officers with his comedy club tickets. But this could be like a- This is like a Jamie Lisso. This is a headliner story. This is a guy who's a young headliner. He's in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, doing the fucking Boca Nuts or whatever the comedy club is down there. Boca Nuts. Boca Nuts fucking closed. No! Not Boca Nuts. No! Not on the show! Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. You guys are hearing this in real time. No! Where were you- No! Where were you when you found out that Boca Nuts closed? Fucking Story Wars episode 3005. No! Is that a real name of a club? Boca Nuts? Yeah. Oh, stop it. Is it? You don't know that? Uh-uh. And they did close. It became a New York comedy club. Funny enough. Oh, for reals? New York comedy club bought it. Lewis had to live there during a hurricane. I did, yeah. That was another story. There was a hurricane when I was trying to promote comedy clubs. I was like, we can sell tickets anywhere. And I was down in Fort Lauderdale trying to sell tickets to old Jewish people on a sidewalk. Yeah. It was like a neighborhood. I'm like walking up to old people. I played the club and me and Kurt Metzger shared best friend prostitutes. Kurt did better. So yeah, look, I'm getting Jamie Lissow vibes. That's the only person on this panel that I can see having this story. Jamie, it's your story. I think it's Tim or Layla. Layla. What? Oh, shit. You think it's me? It could be her now that she said it like that. But what guy arrests a woman for peeing outside? They're all stoked about it. Yeah. They're like, are you peeing out of your pussy? And you go, yeah. They go, that's cool. You're free to go. Do you know squirts mostly pee, but like different? Anyway, get out of here. His partner's like, dude, we could just let her go. He goes, no, dude, watch. I'm going to get free tickets to the con. That's it. Hey, miss, put your pussy away. You're going to jail. Comedy club tickets. Okay, I guess. Are these good for any night? Well, I'm so responsible. Like, if I was doing a show the next day, I wouldn't be drunk at a party the night before, though. Maybe. That's me. That's fine. I've already thrown my vote. I'm going Layla. That's crazy. You think I was peeing outside in public and then bribed an officer? For free? I think. I think this is obviously such like male audacity. Sure. This is. I agree. I don't disagree. I voted Jamie. You have the confidence of someone that would do this. Oh, dude. Tim's got a big, huge, fat, thick dick. That makes me feel like shit. It's as thick as long. It's a square. But it's like a big square. Layla looked over me and told a man he had the confidence to pull this off. Tim, your dick's huge. Jamie, can you please. Jay's never seen my naked penis, by the way, but I know he's looked at it enough inside my clothes. Yeah. Layla literally said, excuse me, I have to talk to another man who has a dick. She goes, Jamie, could you please back up? You're getting in the way of Tim's fantasy. He's got a tiny peck that's only there to hold his cock because shorts can't support it. Tim Butterly putting in a vote. I see it. I see it already on your screen. I'm going Lewis. Oh, wow. We're going Lewis. I think if we're talking a headliner like Jamie, it would have said tickets to my show. This could be very much Lewis. But the comedy club, that's just where Lewis works. That's Lewis. Yeah, that is true. This could have been. If it's you, dude, you beat me. This could have been a young Lewis. He was at a party on Friday night. Fire Island fucked up off of stolen neighbor grape wine and tried to pull a fast one on these police officers. It's Lewis. Tale as old as time. Layla, you voted for Tim. Real quick, before we get our answer, why Tim? Well, I'm actually mad because I forgot that Jamie voted for me and that totally makes me think it's him because it's so a guy's story. Yeah. But Tim has the confidence of a man that would do this. Yeah. Literally no one's ever thought that before. That's crazy. No, dude. You have the fucking the biggest thickie. It's so thick. Alex, all of our answers are in. Eight stories down. Whose story was story number eight? Story number eight belongs to Jamie Lisser. It seems so obvious that Jamie Lisser the crowd is happy. The crowd knows. Hold your applause. There's nothing official yet. We have judges that are watching right now. We have to go through everything right now. But before we do that, before we get our official scores, Jamie, tell us a story. First of all, I don't care that I'm losing. I'm over 50. I have no use for that fucking font. I couldn't even read that. I was in L.A. and I got really drunk at this bar and then I was trying to get back to my house and I was so drunk I fell asleep in a cab. And then I only had $20 and when I woke up the fare was at like $19.90 or something. I'm like, oh shit. So I go just let me out and I got out and I had to pee so bad and I peed right behind a policeman almost like he was a fucking tree. Like I peed I peed right behind him and then they were very nice and I just kept apologizing and I got back in the car and I was like I got these free comedy club tickets and as we're driving I remember the guy I go it's the funny bone. I remember the guy going what is there's no funny bone in Los Angeles and so I was trying to give him tickets to the Columbus funny bone and he was just like no and I just went and I spent the night in jail. Dude it's a brief at K-Spa for you and your lady. But I spent the night in jail. Very nice. Jamie Lizzo great story. Alex make it official where are our final points at? It's a big night folks. Alright. In last place with 10 points Tim Butterly. This game fucking sucks dude. It's so stupid. Stop explaining it to me every time we record it dude. I've heard the same 15 minute talk a hundred times. Do you guys still want Tim to sign the book? Okay I didn't know. Can I cross my mind We'll find out. - Alex. place with 11 points Layla Ingalls in third place with 12 points Jamie Lissow story warriors dominate in second place with 13 points Louis J Gomez it's huge it's history and your winner tonight with 22 points Big! Jake Oakerson! It's unbelievable I want to thank piece of shit uh shiny tits for those big gnats the roots whoever that guy was left the roots particularly the roots thank you guys for coming you come every week you come here every week and you play for us even though you're hoping for me to win for Philly love thank you guys so much how about it for our amazing panel of contestants tonight Tim Butterly Jamie Lissow Layla Ingalls I'm Louis J Gomez and this week's winner with I think a 7th or 8th victory in the history of the show maybe we're almost getting a double-ditch 200 episodes in Big Jake Oakerson! until next time peace thank you!