Jake Johnson 2.0

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show. But first, I wanted to let you know that I'm on my stand-up comedy tour, Ricky's on the loose, and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, DC, Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh, or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA, or Houston, Texas. My tickets are for sale now at rickglasmin.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to rickglasmin.com/tour, sign it from an email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick, seriously. What are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show, the show, the show, the show, the show, the show. We missed a lot of good bands from Miranda. Last time they were no Miranda, this was awesome. You did everything. Well, I didn't do everything. You pressed everybody. Oh, I turned the cameras on. I'm still doing the same stuff, but I'm going to have extra help just for better production. Interesting. Yeah. I thought you were making a joke when you said I'm right. No, I think there was going to be a woman upstairs. No, no. You want me to get a man operator? You feel more comfortable when there's a man operator? Is that what you're saying? That there's a third. Miranda, do you mind doing upstairs while we're doing this? Yeah, I'm going to understand. That's nice. You get 50 years old. I can't handle a third. You're going to not craze it. You look 46 now. I look 48. Are you 48? I am. You look 46. Thanks. I appreciate that. How old are you? 29. I'll be 30 this month. Not a chance. You're way older than that. I'm 29. You're not 29. Okay. You're 29 years old. Let me show you my ID. And mustache years is not the mustache of a 29 year old man, and I don't say that to be mean. What is that? I'm shocked, let me do it. What was the process of that? The only time you're showing an ID or the most of the time is when you're checking into a hotel or you're pulled over by the police. That's true. Let me get a laugh on either one of those. By the way, Smart Theory. Theme music. Scoop. Scoop. Scoop. Oh yeah. What a big screen TV brother. Yeah, man. I'm watching the ding. What am I going to do on my phone? Which I probably could on July 21st. Fourth? Well, they said we're a screener that is inactive until the 21st. But you guys could watch it on the 24th. Yeah, it's July 24th. You can watch it on your phone, but if you got a glassman style screen, you know, I just watched and I'm feeling star-struck in the seat of your episodes with the cast of Love on the Spectrum. Oh, yeah, Dylan Logan. Did you watch the episode? Did you saw some clips? Keep it real. I watched the first 15 minutes of the episode. So you saw the cold open. Yeah, and I saw a bunch of clips. Pretty much you pretty much get it at that point. And I saw the one with that the couple that is now broken up. His name's I'm not remembering because of my dyslexia. The woman in the man. She sings a lot of songs. Happy. Yeah. Happy in David. Do you want caffeine? No. Do you want water? I have a drink fridge here, but I have not restocked. They've been out of town. We're good. I got some teas. I got some weed drinks. You don't do weed, right? I don't even know what that is. Weed? A weed now. Yeah, I know. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify. And start hearing Chachin. Chachin. Sign up for your $1 per month trial now at Shopify.com/tyso. That Shopify.com/tyso. Chachin. Love the way that two of you look. Look at this. Can we take a picture of Robert Steven? Ricky's on the loose. Ricky is on the loose. If you want to see me practice in my hour for my special, come on out to a show. I'll be at just for last Montreal, Canada, this July in August. I will be the fringe festival in Edinburgh. Scotland. I will then go to Amsterdam and Dublin and London in September, Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, Philadelphia, PA in October. Houston, Texas and Tacoma, Washington and in November. Salt Lake City. And don't forget the special. If you buy a ticket and go in Edmonton, I buy your free ticket in Salt Lake City. Edinburgh. Right. Look out Europe. I'm adding new dates, Rick Glassman.com. Sign up for my email list at Rick Glassman.com/chorp. Ricky, tell you if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. By the way, I saw when a Ricky show recently, it was unbelievable, very funny. Go out there, see Ricky. Buy some merch. Do it. You won't be disappointed. He's the best. As a matter of fact, I have another live testament right here. The lovely Mrs. Glassman. Hi. Remember we saw Ricky at a show recently? Yes, it was one of the best shows I've ever seen. How good was it? It was one of the best shows I've ever seen. And I'm Grandma. It's a very best show I've ever seen. Grandma never came to a show because I'm not like Matt and I don't play sports. You never love because I don't play sorry grandma that I didn't play sports and I played Magic the Gathering. Sorry, I wasn't cool enough for you, Grandma. That's not right. Ricky. Yeah, but the guy who played all the sports is he buying you soap. He buys you a new mattress. Go to helixleap.com to get one of those mattresses. By the way, I got a good deal. Go for gusto. And I saw a show too much to go in Cleveland. The best that show the lyridys. Actually, Grandma just doesn't like a scat humor. That's really the reason. Well, you know, when I say to that, everyone, one, two, three, four, come on. Let's poop our grandma. We poop down grandma. Hey, let's poop on her. Right now, she's laughing. You guys, she's laughing. It ain't real. She hates this. You think that's not a real laugh? Well, I think that was a she wants to hit you laugh. You don't want to laugh. Let's all shit on my back. Funny. Yeah, when I was a man who enjoyed getting stoned, I would try to make my limit three times a week with the acting memorization and anxiety. It made me dissociate. Dissociate. Which is a feeling I enjoy and while getting stoned, I could dissociate quickly, but I would be at work with a chunky scene of dialogue that was recently rewritten and it was time to get technical and I was spacing out a little bit too much. That's not good. So I had to unfortunately. What about when you're not working? When's that brother? These are the working years, my man. I'll tell you when I'm going to smoke pot. This is not a joke. This is way too low. Retirement era. So are you looking forward to that? Yeah, but I got to earn that brother. But these are the working years, man. We're put on earth to work. But I do not believe we're put on earth for leisure. Well, I guess it depends on how you define work because I find helping others to be one of my most the most filling up of all of my activities. So that's why my podcast is called We're here to help. Ville will now on iTunes and Spotify only. No, and YouTube. Yeah, I think we were off for a long time and we just came back about two months ago. Are we good? Are we in diarrhea? Let me press record. I don't get it. Rick. Yeah. Did you think my name was diarrhea? I was in positive. I've seen a lot of clips. It's nice as zero. You know, you're one of the guys to me. Meaning? You think about like who when I think of someone who's like a peer, maybe even a friend, if you'd allow it. I will. Meaning you're not like a to me. You're not like shy love off. As far as access. I don't know. I know. Agreed. I feel the same. I love him. By the way, so do I. Love. I would put him in a similar category if we were peers or friends. I what do you think about his behavior in New Orleans? You know, man, if I had, you know, Will Smith says, when there's a lot of black violence happening on cameras during like the George Floyd time, there's not more violence against the black community. There's just more cameras. So you think shy is doing this all the time? No. What I'm saying is when you're a celebrity, not making excuses, but when you're a celebrity like that, there's more cameras on you. Yeah. And I bet you there's a lot of people that get into fights in New Orleans that nobody knows about for sure. Nobody's talking about it. No, I'm not comparing the play of the black man to Shaila Bob. Yeah, but I feel like we got lost in the weeds there in my opinion. Well, it's only three days a week. Nice. Twenty nine years old. You know, you think I am. Thirty seven. If you shaved your salt and pepper mustache, it's brown and blonde. If you shaved that mustache and you told me you're 26, I would go, you're a fucking successful 26 year old, but you got the face for it. Thank you. With the mustache, salt and pepper, I'm not talking shit. I'm a salt and pepper guy now. I'm entering my silver fox era. Well, it's about talking to a silver fox. It's not, but it's about time. What animal is it? Silver badger. You're a silver wolverine. You're just a man. Excuse me, you're a man. Took away the just. Yeah. I actually try and not use just, I'm very intentional with my just, and I'm very intentional with my LOL when typing. How often do you type LOL? If I laughed out loud, only. What about, haha, it could be, it's, I'm acknowledging it's funny, interesting, but you won't fake it. No, I like that. Oh, by the way, that's what we have in common. Neither of us have the ability to fake it at times. It's funny to add at times. That's like a just a lot of times I can fake it. Yeah. An event you can't tell. Maybe I can. If shy love of text did you love your pod thinking of doing it spilled a burrito and you don't laugh out loud, you might go, haha, I would love to have you. You think I would say, LOL would love to have you or like if he's like, I would love to do it. I'd go love to have you. Let's do it. Yeah. But it's typing. Go ahead. So you just said about the freedom. Well, let's go like this. Yo, glassman, and I, I could probably do a shy, but you would have to remind me how it sounded. It's on text. So. Yeah. But even in do it. So you want to say, then I'm going to give no spit on the ball. Well, first I would, I would be curious. I already got my number. Well, fine. Yo, this is shy. I would probably ignore it because it's a number I don't know. And people say stuff like that three months later. This Rick glassman, it's shy of above for real. What's up photo of himself, photo of himself, like this. Love the photo. Still don't know if this is really you. Will you please take a picture while you hold up your thumb and your pinky like a surfer? Uh-huh. Yo, that's getting weird. Want to FaceTime after you send me the picture. Then he sends a picture where he's going like, and I would say, but you don't laugh. But that's not you mean this. He's doing what they does is put them with the other one. He goes like, he's like this and he's like, he does like a funny face. It's not funny enough to laugh, but he is making a joke while deferring to your rules, even though he shy love. He's like, I will play by Rick's rules, but I'm going to do a little bit of a joke here. Okay. It did not make you laugh. Your response. I would FaceTime him right away. And if it was him, I would say, hey man, I wasn't sure that was really you. I'm feeling a little shy, but I'm also feeling a little above. And if he doesn't laugh, I'd be like, you're just like Jake Johnson. Can't fake it. One of your guys. What I meant by that is you have all of the. The qualities of somebody who I would want to be a friend with. I don't know. We've only met so many times. What I'm projecting. We also know Le Mans really well together. Yes. But even if I did, I'm just saying from watching all the qualities I don't want to be friends with. And I would want to work with. And I think I could learn from and whom of which, I don't know if this is a, an insecurity, maybe some version, but I would want to impress. Even when I was sitting over there and you laughed at something I said, it felt like, you're a big brother. Oh, I like that. Yeah. You know what I got to say about you, right? We talked about it last time. Your character art for me has been unique. You got music in there? Are you wanted to just tune out a little bit, have a noise cancel? I was just listening to one of my jokes and I forgot what it was. I wanted to tell you. What was it? I'll wait. I'll tell you later. Go ahead. Character art. Can you just give me a little bit of it? Yeah. Cause now I can't think about anything besides the joke. So it's a joke that I do a lot on stage and it never, I don't think it's ever worked. And I keep trying a little different versions of it. I can't get it. And a lot of times you just scrap it. I haven't yet. Okay. I don't think I've set it on here and it's not a brilliant joke. Okay. So first I ask if, I don't know if you've heard, be ever say it. This is one of my favorite jokes. If you have heard it, don't like say anything. And if you haven't done whatever, knock, knock, who's there? You have heard it. That little throw away never works. That works. It doesn't. It doesn't. And you know what? I use it. I use it when that works. It doesn't. So what does that mean? It doesn't work. People go, you know, they're fake in it then. They don't. I do on stage. This is when I'm on stage. This is when you're on stage. I think people don't understand what I'm talking about. I think they're okay. They are taking you to seriously. And they're waiting for where the joke's going to come. So when I'm doing sets in town and there's shorter sets, a lot of times, I'm in the middle of a joke that there's like seven minutes left and I'm out of time. So I'm like, I can't finish this now. And then I already think they think I'm joking. But I'm like, I can't. I actually can't. So I want to leave it a little bit of laugh. I got one. I said it like that. I go, knock, knock. They go, who's there? I go, I never mind. You've heard this already. And then it's a lot of times. They're waiting. They're like, I'll get them. Let's get to the joke. Yeah. All right. Thank you very much. I like that. So your arc for me started when we met at New Grow, which we talked about last time. For the people that haven't, give a little quick version of that. So Morn has always loved you. I have a very small circle of the people in the circle. I trust their taste a lot. And part of what I love to do with the people in my circle is we need to be able to kill each other and find where you screw up and get you, but also show love. So if a guy like Lamorn, who is in my little inner circle of people I love, goes, I like the dude. Glassman's hilarious. And I'm either going as my opinion, I agree with your taste or your taste is trash. And I have an example why just between he and I, the outside world. I never care if anyone knows my, but to Lamar, everything you say, he'll go like, yeah, we should get lunch. And then if you end up being, go through a really poor arc where you're doing really awful work. And it's just terrible. Then he goes, yeah, we should get lunch and I go, where do you want to go and he'll go out of the chicken place and I go like this, all right, your picks are always great, just like glass. Gotcha. And he'll go. I like him. Drop it. All right. Why are you ruining a text chain? A little backstory. I used to do background work all the time. I still like doing it in my friends projects. I asked Lamoran if I could do background on a day on New Girl. He got me his co-star where it was like a line or two. Yes. Lamoran wasn't there. Yes. It was Megan Fox, myself, Zoe Deschanel. We were in a Hawaiian. Speaking of Shia LaBuff. Connected to that. Megan Fox. Right. I thought, Zoe, that's how slow I am. I thought, I don't think Zoe's connected. I talked to Megan Fox back in the day about Shia. Thinking about it. Are you close with Megan? No. She's written me off. Got it. But we were at a time very close and we texted. And I will say, as a human, I liked her quite a bit. And I know you would like her. But as a robot, not so much. Why just say as a human? Because we had a lot of alien talks. I met somebody in the beginning of his name. I'll throw up his Instagram. A nice man on the plane yesterday on the way back from Cleveland who works with, he tours with Michigan Kelly. So there's a world where Shia LaBuff could become a peer. Anyway. Yeah. Do you want to be peers with Shia? I have been, when I say fan, I mean that word as well. I like somebody's work. I'm a fan of Shia LaBuff. I've been a big fan of Shia LaBuff since even Stevens was on the air since it was on the air. So it started free. So youth for me was not it. I met Shia and at first met him, I mean, as a fan, I never met the guy in life. I met him when he was doing what I viewed as his performative era. What's that joke? That one was me just making sure of the audio. When he was doing his, that's a different joke. What was that in that ear? You guys, you're setting something up. I believe this happened. The first time I did the George Lopez show, which used to be a pretty hot talk show on I think the WB, my first talk show appearance. When I was telling him a story, he was doing that where on my single, he was looking at his producer going, and it was a bit. No, he was talking to somebody about the timing and what I wish I said, but I was too nervous was what's going on, George. But here in this new format where there's not a live studio audience, I'm not nervous as I used to be. I would like to know what you heard in there. I love doing jokes. I'm not a liar. So I am telling you, I wanted to make sure because when I turned these on, I was in a bit of a rush and there's multiple things that turned the right one on and I checked years, but you were talking. And I'm like, didn't even check mine. I think so. I didn't want to talk again. So I was trying to just under the radar real quick. Okay. And is everything working? I appreciate the fact that your dog is choosing to be near me. Dogs are hit and miss with me. This dog goes, I feel safe around you. I'm not even kidding. and it's the last, but I'm heading in and going like, "Do you want to treat or the people who really want a dog to like him?" At all times, you just see their little fingers just being like, "Anywhere?" You think that's to manipulate the dog, as opposed to they like the connection? I think it depends on the individual, but I think there are sometimes people like being the person that the dog chooses. Because people have this idea that dogs are honest and know your real soul. I have a real strong take on that with dogs and babies. What is it? Just that. I could tell you a good person because my dog likes you. Don't buy that. And if my dog doesn't like you, you might be a great person. I'm 100% in agreement. I have two dogs which I love. Their opinion on people doesn't matter to me because they're dogs. If they happen to like somebody or not somebody, the read on the person is totally irrelevant. If you give them food that tastes like pepperoni, they're going to like you forever. That doesn't mean deep down you're a good person. I do believe similar to Lamor making a suggestion to you for a restaurant. Right. Alvin trusts my recommendations of who I have a knockout. Interesting. Based on how many people have been on that couch and he's like, "Oh, he goes to everybody." Who has he not gone towards? Well, I'll tell you, one person he didn't have an opportunity to, who is also really high up on the list for me. Sebastian. Who's Sebastian? Sebastian, man, a scalco. The only person that asked to not have the dog. I will say, though, there's my- I hope it's not allergies. I hope he just won't get it out of here. Kids are shit. He's Sebastian. Get it out of here. Nick Kroll has been on twice. He's allergic to them. Okay. The first time he said, "Let's leave the dog down there." Like, your allergic goes, "It's funny. It'll be funny if I start to pump up." Yeah. And I go, I don't know, man. You know, Nick is a guy. I also love. I don't know, Nick, well enough. But whenever I've been around Nick, we have had a 14-year text bit or a 12-year text bit, where we send each other unflattering photos from beneath with our chinza, with no other context, but we should get a beer, brother. And- Take some of your screen recording. I want to put it up. Just all the ugly pictures. So, we tried to find them. This happened on Weird Health Podcast, which is the hot podcast I do. It's available now. Who do a couple days early? I've lost a lot of them. My phone started deleting things after a year. Oh, yeah. It's a setting. Yeah. But I didn't know that setting was happening. Now a lot of the memories are gone. What I'll say about this dog, which I appreciate. And what I feel about animals fundamentally, as well as humans. It's not my best shade of personality, but I'm going to be honest with you, because why not? I'm also not in the world of podcasts. It used to be you had to watch what you say in press because you could get in trouble or pre-2020. It was the only thing that out there and you don't want that to affect your career. So there used to be a world of careful what you say. I think that world is over for me. You still, you know, assuming that you have a good moral compass. I don't think I'm ever going to say- I don't in my heart say things that I think will feel that will end this career for me. When I look at this dog, what I honestly feel is I trust your safety because you're exposing your organs to me and I could kill you so quickly. Within before you could even begin to rise, she doesn't have a fighting chance. Did you see where my hand was? It's even further away. It wasn't because all I have to do is well, I never would. Okay, he's still didn't even he just trusts. Yeah, but this exposing with these two weapons. Okay. And what I will say is stop it. I love him for his openness, his, his lack of survival instincts, his disconnection from his true soul. And that is being a relative of a coyote and a wolf, a natural born survivor who could guys who look just like those are street dogs. They spend their life, they find garbage and grub. You know what they will never do. That's a strange 200 pounder next to me with a funky smell because you're not strange to him. You're a guest on the take your shoes off podcast. The biggest medium-sized podcast produced in Los Angeles. No way. Yeah. Statistically, numbers wise. On which platform? Any of them. Really? Yeah. Where do you get those analytics? Just knowing what films in LA and knowing how many views and downloads this podcast gets per week. Across across all platforms. Are you on Netflix too? You and like Hulu, do you have a deal with one of those places? No. But then you don't get those numbers because a lot of shows are now going there and their numbers get divided that way too. But I know the numbers before they went there and I'll tell you something less people watch on Netflix than they do YouTube. We don't need to get into the weeds right now with this. But the problem, I just saying this new era, the problem with these streamers is they don't release their numbers. We don't know. I know. How? Because people that have access to Netflix had access to it on YouTube already. Right. People that have access on YouTube don't necessarily have access or care on Netflix. But you're saying you have a theory, but you don't know. Which I would call hypothesis. Right. Because what I was thinking you were going to say is I've got a link to somebody who is because all these places have people who will show the numbers. I had a guy for a while who could do breakdowns of certain streamers. So on projects I was in, I was actually able to get some level of analytics. So you would actually see, you know, where you go like, you think they're going to pick it up? You're like, no, you have no idea. And you'd be like, well, based on those numbers. Cauldric Johnson. Well, not always. And it doesn't. It hasn't been happening recently. Sorry. But there was a period of time where I'd be like, they they are still going to make their decision. But if these are the numbers they're looking at. It doesn't look positive. If this was a restaurant, stop selling those chicken farms because we're not moving the units. We think we're moving. And then people go, it's the best chicken farm in the city for you. But we're not selling enough units to make it worth selling. Yeah. But our profits on our drinks through the roof. Right. So I get that you guys like eating here. And for you guys, it's special. But to pay for the food, to pay for the storage, to pay for the chefs, to run this part of front of house, the numbers going that up. Well, the front of the house too, because that's what they're sitting in need in. But if we just convert it to a bar, our numbers go through the fucking roof. Maybe it should just be a clips channel then. You never know. But what I will say is I will take that same thing and say to our businesses. And what I like about you, what I was saying before, is your arc when we met at New Girl, you came in, you were in a Hawaiian shirt and it was all bits. And the vibe that day on set tense scene wasn't working tense. You didn't made a lot of Native American references today. I don't think I've made any. You just talked, you said how? You're talking tense. I've also noticed that a lot of your metaphors involved, not only restaurants, but chicken. Well, last night I had a delicious chicken parm. You know, we share lunch and I go, where do you want to go? And he'll go over to the chicken place and I'm really good. All right, your picks are always great. Just like last one. Hey, Zatri, have I mentioned? Yeah. When we said, we'll trust the people's recommendations and such. Last night, my friend, Steven Berg, my friend Adam, we had a cook off. Steven what? Steve Berg. Be sure his name isn't Steve chick. That's hot. But then I started watching your journey and I told you the first time I came here, I had my dander up because I was like, I know what this is going to be. It's going to be a podcast where there's comedians just doing bits about things and I'm sitting there about my career where I have to go, yeah, that's pretty funny. I hear it and then go, it was an hour and a half. What are we doing here? And it wasn't. It was very sincere. It was a really nice conversation. And I was like, did not and I told them more and I go, I had not only the wrong read of reclassmen, I don't have a read on reclassmen. And he was like, he's a good dude. He's a unique guy, man. Then I've started paying more attention to what you do as a producer for your show, your career. I've seen more of your stuff. And I'm like, all right, I'm liking the why this guy is playing this unique game. And so going to this thing, I was talking about for the restaurant chicken. I came into this thinking, I want to open up an Italian restaurant and sell chicken parmin. That's the dream. And with your chicken parmin, you can get a glass of red wine, but I'm not in the, I'm not a bar, but watching guys like you in this era, taking this platform, but now making full on going back to the era of like, when I used to do live shows all the time. But then you're also doing the Hollywood game. You're on shows with Hannah Simone, you're doing the dance. I go, maybe the adjustment is you don't need to sell these chicken parms in the way we did. Well, we can do chicken parmin bites at the bar during happy hour. And then I go, I'm more naturally [BLANK_AUDIO] selling bites, I'm not a fucking chef like that. - You're not a chef that makes bites. - Jake and Parm, I am a chef that makes bites. - You had no idea. - Because one of the things I respect about you is you are one of the young Turks leading this new charge into the unknown. I'm an older general and I'm going, he claims to be 29 with that mustache. - No, I don't know why you. - It's salt and pepper, it's a 37 year old stash. - Young Turk, you're referring to the original scrubs. Not the remake, is that correct? (laughing) - Oh Jesus, we're the crunching, it's crazy. - You told me that crunching doesn't bother you. When you eat chips, and you smack them. - Oh, and let me show you something in popcorn that a chip doesn't do, look, look. - I thought I should be eating it. - Yes. - One little kernel. - No, I'm saying that sounds. - Very similar to if you wanted to get started with your own design studio. - It's got hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style and the way you like to show your popcorn. - Shopify is really good for a plethora of reasons. - Hey Deb, what do you like about Shopify? - I love Shopify. - Well, if you love to shop, Shopify can help you find customers with easy to run email and social media campaigns. - But what if I get stuck? - Shopify is always around to share advice with the award winning 24/7 customers to support and make your life easier and your business operations smoother. It's time to turn those, what if into chat team with Shopify today? - Shopify, Shopify, do it, do it. Shopify, Shopify, do it, do it. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com/tyso. - Do it, go to Shopify.com/tyso. - Shopify, Shopify, slash Shopify, slash Tyso, chat team. - Now can I get back to my book? - Yeah. - This episode was supposed to come out last week. - Yeah. - But we aren't able to turn it around in time. I'm realizing I spoke with my editor and I needed to make this a short episode. So chances are it's gonna come out the week of the 28th. So what I would like to do is make a little commercial for this movie and put it in the last week's episode which you've already seen now with Jake Johnson. - Right. - And do you feel comfortable? Do you need any direction on? Because I want to-- - Well, I mean, if you're gonna make a commercial, I don't know what, like, do you wanna talk about the fact that it's one of the best reviewed comedies in years? - Oh, I know what you're doing. I don't know, or I don't know if that's the best way to tell or I don't think it's also the best way to tell it to say that it's filled with incredible actors like John Hamm and John Slatery and Zoe Doich and a bevy of celebrity cameos, like Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd, I don't know. Or maybe it's just that audiences are going crazy for it and the word of mouth is exciting and people are loving seeing comedies and theaters again. - Do the third one. - This episode is sponsored by Revolve Man. You've probably heard of Revolve Women if you're a woman, probably, because it's a hot shopping network. - Yeah, it's hot. - I know, I mean, before Revolve Men even came to me, I didn't know that they did Men's Clothes. I knew of this app. I know people that use it. - Oh, yeah, wow, they do do Men's Clothes, yeah. - Yeah, and I've been buying stuff on it. So when I first found out about it, I used it just to, like, to better understand how it works. But now, like, it's kind of a thing I go to. 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Offer and soon do not sleep on it. - Leave. - Is that what you're referring to? - No. - You know what I'm talking about? - No. I've never watched-- - The Stars of Scrubs are JD and Turk. - Oh, it's the other guy's name is Turk. - Oh, I gotta tell you something. The reboot's good. - Okay. Scrubs and New Girl are to me when you think of like a modern family too, but I didn't watch modern family the way I watched New Girl and Scrubs. - So Scrubs was a show for you. - When you think, when I think of network comedies, like, you know, could you have good network comedies? - Yeah. - Yes, and there's many, there's many. Like to me, the ones that I watched were Scrubs and New Girl. - Hmm, yeah. Scrubs I never watched. - So I came in, I was doing too many bits on a show that is a comedy. - No, it wasn't too many bits even. - It wasn't reading the room. - And. - I do remember, I remember only parts of it really well. And we, and it is really funny to me. - You too. - I also know what you're saying. - I wish there was video footage. - It was gotta be. - No, 'cause it was all off camera, Rick. It was, it was 99% of your day is off camera. - I know, but that thing lasted. - On camera, I think your whole thing was like, Margaritas. And you did it right. But then it would be in between, I think there was an issue, we were having with the script or something, something wasn't tracking at the table. In the bigger picture of it, I was not a decision maker. And in that moment, sometimes I have pitches that I think are helpful. When I don't, I have zero. - Sure. - I had nothing. - Sure. - Couldn't even wrap my head around what the problems were. Just thought, I saw this on the call sheet and thought we'll be done at 10.30. To me, this was a nothing scene, but all of a sudden, it's seeming like this is the thing that's going to break the engine and we're going to break down. Now people are going to get into it. It's getting a lot of tons of video village keeps coming over and in between in a Hawaiian shirt, Lymoran's friend. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, I was shooting bitch. Does that ball kept clanging the hoop? Some of them went in, but it would be like, "All right, the vibe is no more play time." Three point and lay off a weird spin thing. - All you got to do is somebody say, "Hey, vibes are just a job." That's it. - Yeah. - But you know what we're doing? - Was I adding you on? - LOL. - No, well-- - I don't mean that literally. - Yeah, no, my issue in life is when the vibe gets uncomfortable. - You need to be the hero. - I know I like it. So I'm sure what I was doing was egging it on a little bit because it was making me joyful. - Wow. - Even though it was the wrong technical read, but it was very funny to me in a silence to have then somebody come up and be like, "In between, did you guys want those margaritas now?" And you'd go, "What?" "We don't want to fake margarita," or whatever the bit must have been. And so over time I have had an appreciation of your game. And I like it. - I have. - And I reached out to you about today. I've also loved what you did on our podcast. I love when you're-- - I got to have Garrett back out again. - Yeah. - I don't really know him before your podcast. I think he's so funny. - He's so funny. He's such a great partner too. - I love bits so much. And I've been working something on stage recently 'cause I've been talking about how I'm now at a point in my life where I'm aware that sometimes showing up authentically costs more than it's worth. Sometimes you just, "Oh, good, how are you?" You just drain your battery a little type of thing. - Interesting. - And I go back and forth with how much is showing up authentically cost and is it worth it? And it's subjective a lot of the time 'cause you're tank of bits is bottomless. - Sure, it's not, but I get what you're saying. - Yes. - It fills me up. - Same. - Right. So a lot of times, and I don't remember what it was like on that new girl set enough. - I don't really either. - I also know that at that point in my life, I had less awareness that I have. Not even if I don't have a ton right now. - Right. - But I do know that like, when I've been talking on the stages for a while, when I realized, oh, I'm doing too much and I'm exhausting people and blah, blah, blah, blah, I stopped bits, stopped. But you know, I really, I really overpowered it. - I got down by 20%. - I cut down by 80%. I had 20% left. I mean, I'm really, I'm saying sorry all the time. Am I bothering you? I'm checking in all the time. - Oh really? - And what level is, how old were you? If you're 29 now. - This was eight years ago. - 21. No, you were not 19 when we did new girl together. This is all- fault your math is wrong, you're not 29. - No, eight years ago was-- - New girl ended 10 years ago? - Dude, I'm-- - Believe. (laughing) - Can we just keep going? So I stopped-- - Believe. - Jesus. (laughing) - Too easy, you're making it too easy. Which means you're making it too hard. - You ever see the Princess bride? - Yeah, I just rewatched the first half. You simply took lives and you spun it there. So therefore, the one that I should drink is this one. - It's not bad, probably. - Simply poison both of 'em. - An amazing moment. - Yeah. - Yeah. - As good of a moment in a movie gets us that scene and wallashes on little monologue of, I have simply outsmarted you. - That's a great question. - All the way through to simply go, that's very clear, man, just-- - Wheeled up, wheeled it, then I go, and that ended. Even as a kid, I remember being like, that is perfection. Loved it. - What year did I come out, '90, '88? - So at that age, I must have been one. - You were born in '87? - Yeah. - I wasn't born for nine years. - Well, we can move on, but-- - Well, age doesn't matter. - Either age is nothing but a name. - Or a number. - Henry Shakespeare. - I have no interest in discussing your age. Okay. - I stopped doing bets because it bothered people. I'm on the other end now of recognizing it, least knowing, oh, this might annoy people. - But it makes you happy. - So there's a cost. When is it worth it? When am I gambling with my money versus somebody else's movies? - I'm related to this 100%. - And what I've come up, the other end is, yeah, I do jokes a lot of the time. And the reason isn't because I'm unwilling or unwanting to have vulnerable on this conversation, it's because a lot of conversation doesn't matter. - I agree with this. So do silly voices or get fucked. - So my brother and I, when I was growing up-- - Did you just hold up five with two hands? - When my brother and I were growing up, when he was four, I was one, actually. He's three years older. The point I was actually trying to make is, we did voices together, we did bits together, at a very young age. We had characters where I was Herbert and he was Willis, and we would narrate our childhood house as these two characters, who were probably influenced by revenge of the nerds, and it would be everything that would happen. It'd be like, the mother's cooking-seppy. My mother, who you talk to briefly, I just moved out here, is a, one of my favorite people on planet earth, reminds me of the grandmother I saw from you, some of your family in Cleveland, where she's a little bit of the old world. She was not charmed by my brother and I. She loved us. - She didn't think you were funny. - She thinks we're funny, but she came from like a real tough background. They were a family of street fighters. They came from a really bad neighbor with nine kids. My mother has cuts on her hands from like holding a knife back. - Mr. Dad, Ken? - Well, my dad, yes, my dad was not a tough guy. - Oh, not a street fighter. - My dad, no. - But your mom was a street fighter? - Well, no, but like my mother has been in a lot of street fights and won them. My mother and I fought when I was 15 and she beat me up. And I thought- - You took swings at your mom? - The story goes, I started wearing starter jackets. Do you remember the starter jacket era? When he was in the '90s, so you must have been a newborn. - Star jackets are still, are cool. - No, but in the '90s before you were born. - I've seen Michael Jordan wear his own Miami. I get it. - So there was jackets like the Miami Hurricanes of the Duke jacket. There was a Duke starter jacket with a Miami Hurricanes hat. And if you had a flat brim, then you could get down. And I started wearing them and go to suburban malls. And the turn back then was you wanna go? - Oh, before I forget, check out the Dink July 24th. This was picturing that shot of you in the hip-hop walking up when you get out of the car. No spoilers. - You see the movie? - I watched it, yeah. - What'd you think? - Be honest. - Okay. I was prepared to be honest. 'Cause at first I was thinking to myself, and we could keep in or out you let me know. I was thinking to myself. I'm enjoying myself. The formula of this is a movie. - Yes. - Not in a bad way, not in a good way. - Yes. - Okay, I'm watching it. I like you, the cast is fucking awesome. - Yes. - The cast is awesome. And once the, do I believe this? There was a romantic interest involved. Even though I saw it coming once I was like, yeah, right? I got invested. And then I was a little late to the party. It wasn't until then, maybe I laughed out a lot before that. But after that, I'm laughing out loud. I'm getting goose bumps at some moments. And I genuinely would recommend the movie. And I would watch it again. And I don't know what this is. I've seen this in TV sometimes for the first few episodes. And then not in a movie. 'Cause in comedies, I find the first act is almost always the best of a comedy movie. - Yeah, totally. - This is not that. - I would say at the midpoint, the literally at the midpoint. - Totally. - And I'm now in. And then the fun stuff with the guest appearances that come out of it. - How do you like the third act? - I'm not exaggerating. - Right, totally. - Was it slow leading up? No, it was funny. - By the way, I totally agree. - But if movies were supposed to be an hour 15 and we cut a little bit. - But what we found is it's really what we found. So what pulled me to it is Sean the writer, co-host of Hollywood Handbook. Do you know Sean and his? - I do, actually, because of Hollywood Handbook. - Yes. - So no, I don't know them, but yes. - You would love 'em. I'd be very interested to see you three together. - Well, I would love to do it. Bring Shia and-- - That would be the four of you. - I'm saying the conversation about Shia. - Oh. (laughing) - I go out and tell me about the writer. - I think Sean's one of the funniest writers I've ever worked with. We did a show called Allen Gregory 15 years ago. So you would have been 17 or something like that. You would have been a kid. But I had already started the business. We were doing an animated show on Let's Be Count. I mean, on Fox with Jonah Hill. - From For Real Virgin. - Yeah. - Also the Oscars. - First time I ever saw Jonah was For Real Virgin and it was one of those scenes where either in it for a minute and like talk about a pop. - What the fuck can do with his, so his bits. When I met him, it was, they were filming super bad, but it hadn't come out. So I didn't know who he was. I just met Mike Sarah. Mike Sarah became a friend pretty fast. - Mike Sarah. - Who's Mike Sarah? - Oh. - Michael Sarah. - Great actor, director, sweet guy. - Okay. - How old are you? - 20 month. - What's that monster? (upbeat music) - Keep it all in. I bleep everything you said. (laughing) - I was so low. (laughing) - All right, so you're talking about Jonah Hill and somebody that was a director that you think is really funny who you just met. Michael, something. - We were going into the dink world at first. Oh, Sean, the writer. - Yes. - So we did. - But you're talking about super bad. - Yes, so just to get so, I met Sean during that era and Sean at the table reads was one of the writers. His bits were so unthinkably funny. And he was the guy that in the room, everybody liked the most. Of like when Sean did a bit, everybody listened. When Sean, and I was like, and he and I got paired sitting next to each other. And we'd be sitting next to each other before the table read. I would just hear like a, "Good luck, my man, make sure you have fun." That's what this is about. And it was so much shooting. - But what were you doing there? - I was playing one of the characters. - And super bad? - No, this was Alan Gregory, the animated show that Jonah Hill was in. - Cop. - And Sean was so funny. And we've just kept in touch over the years. And he and I went out to lunch about a year and a half ago or two years. And he said, "What are you working on?" I go, "I don't know." And he goes, "What do you want to do?" And I go, "I'll tell you what I really want to do." I go, "I haven't done a project that just feels nice is like funny with set pieces." I was like, "I think our world is going in a direction with entertainment. I'm not liking as much." I think whoever becomes president, there's going to be a note. I'm so bored of this. Like, things are getting so heavy and so complicated. I just want a movie that's fun and funny and set pieces that are obvious. And I want to be on set having fun every single day. And I want the goal to be jokes. And he goes, "What do you think about Pickleball?" And I go, "Literally nothing." Keep going, sorry. I have no interest. And he goes, "What do you think about tennis?" And I go, "No interest." And then he goes, "Then I got the movie for you." And he pitched it to me and I was on the fence. And then he pitched me what happens with Mary Steenberg and he pitched me the scene of the honky-talk and what happens after? Which was referenced so back to the future three with the honky-talk, I assume. No. The old West. I don't know. Okay. I've got to talk to him. No, it's not just seen. you know, cut that out, cut back to this. Cut out me saying, I don't know him saying that, cut back to me going like the yes. Cut to him laughing. Extend his laugh. So it goes on for three minutes. Cut to me going like, wasn't that funny. Cut to him still laughing. Cut to me going like this. Cut to his hardest laugh. I have one note on the wasn't that funny. Change it to wasn't that funny. I agree with him. Okay. So without giving something away, there's a turn in the love story that I found very funny and very funny. And as an actor, I was very excited to play that moment because for me, I like bits, but I like when the bit can get confused and then you have to emotionally act your way out of a dumb bit. That's my favorite. In simple turns away, I look at that and it's more complicated, but that's the, they're not mutually exclusive, but that's the difference between a bit that is just a bit and a bit that's within a game. Yeah. And having a game that you could play, which is act. Yes, totally. Is where yes. It gets really fun. But I like when the bit goes, now it's sad or now it's mean or now it's dark. We don't know where the next laugh is going to come, but we still are in this tone. It's all a bit. But now we might have to spend like three minutes just to get through a chuckle, but it's kind of worth it. And what I heard after the haggie talk, I'm like, there's so many ways we get to play that scene. And as an actor, I get to take it totally seriously and fully commit as if I'm doing a drama while also trying to make myself, marry and people around laugh. But emotionally, before it takes, I have to do my actor stuff where I'm like, this isn't a sketch show. I have to believe in this and feel the pain he's feeling. But I'm also here to make people laugh. And that is when I heard that, I was like, oh, I don't, I like that tone in this formulaic sports movie with straight up bits. And then the big thing for me was who's going to play Candace Mary Steinberg. I've been a fan of forever. And I was like, I really like to work with her. And then my character's sidekick, PJ, I saw Aaron Chen 14 years ago do a YouTube video called Spitz. It was the funniest thing. He's a comedian. He's a comedian. But when he was younger, he's young. He's about your age. I think he's 30. So maybe he's older than you. He's 35. He's definitely not 41. I think he's probably 34 or 37. I don't know. He's under 40. But I saw him do a video called Spitz. Don't cut the spits. Let me take these pauses. This is Shyla Buff level back then. Cut to him. Cut that out. Cut to Rick being impressed. Do you more or less that we were here? That's really. Oh, no. There's going to be a special effect on that. Like I popped out. Oh, come on, dude. Come on. This is going to be fun for the audience. Are you going to help pay for this? Oh, Jesus Christ. How about this? If I go like this, you're grabbing one big boom. You got it. It's a big boom. It's already in. Boys, I hear you have a podcast. Yes. It's really exciting. Two big boobs. So much. You're just so much. We say it's going to cause too much money. We can't use it. Yeah. So we animated like 3% of it. And it was still my most expensive episode. So that's every time you do that, it's minimum 50 bucks. What does the dog do? Look at that. So on a moment. Cheated. And I was going to sing. I had some judgments. I want to talk about the first half that went away, but I know why I felt them. Really quick. Let me finish with Aaron Chen to be so when I cut into spits. You want to cut to spits? We'll put a little picture in picture, but no, I didn't move it off. So why are you talking? Okay. Then we're back in. Go ahead. Criticism. Not criticism. Judgment. Give it to me. I prefer it. And it hurts my feelings. But I'm nearly 50 and I could take it. So there's nothing wrong with formulaic. But there needs to be something with it. Yeah. And there's something that was with it from my judgment, not even the first half at the beginning. The first third. The first act. Okay. Was I felt and I go back and forth with if this is okay. There were so many jokes that were just so unbelievable for that world. Example. Sure. Curious. You want your dad's approval so much. Yes. You're aware that you're not getting it, but you're not aware that the things you're doing or bothering him. Now, you know what? As I say, that out loud, what a projection I'm making. Isn't that interesting? Yeah. Truly going. Truly. Because this is what I actually like about film and TV criticism. And it's something I tried to do with critics. And then I had to stop. What and I do it a lot with commenters are I used to when I was more engaged. Somebody would write like, I fucking hate that fucking movie blah blah blah. They fucking sucks. And I would write to them. And it most of the time becomes a personal thing. And they go, well, you know what? To be honest, man, I went through a fucking divorce and there was a line in there. That was fucking stupid as fuck. And you're better than that. And I would go, I hear you, and so are you. But I'd go, I hear you. The violent comment. I hear you. No, to get to this point. Sure. Sorry. That line offended your brother. Yeah. But that was crazy to get to that. So keep going. I want to make sure I make a point. I'm saying this wasn't a criticism though. No, I know. So I just I mean, I'm recognizing is totally internal. Cut all this. We don't need it. We are on the same page. No, we can keep it in. I think that's a good cut. All this because we this kind of bet I'm 100% with Rick. I totally go to you saying I went on a little bit of a tangent about the criticism. I think he got his feet like he made made a thing like I was attacking him. I actually like what he's going with it. Maybe the me talking about the common thing was a different thing. Didn't think he was attacking me at all. I was wanting to clarify. And yes, there was some defensiveness in it, though, where where it was that's like, I am aware of when I'm saying something, this isn't matter of fact and it isn't for better or for worse. It's a feeling that I'm having and a judgment is close to a feeling. It's definitely a personal thought. But I will say the defensiveness that I felt like you felt will change for you when you hit 40 because the body chemistry changes after 40. So your testosterone right now is a 29 year old guy is pumping, pumping, pumping. I should show you my blood work that I just got my testosterone. It's I'm actually meeting with a geneticist soon about it. Is that true? Yeah, like really high. Are you a sex machine, be honest. I'm horny all the time. Are you? Yeah. You good at sex? You'd have to ask him. By ego, I mean. Oh, okay. Rix ego. You good at sex? Yeah, buddy. Rix reality. You get at sex? Well, I'm very connected during it. Otherwise, I'm soft. If you so mentally or physically, like you got to be touching something or the penis goes. No, I need to do something else. I need to be I need to be in at least like with this person and truly believe that they like me or I can't be hard. Question for you. How many times have you been in the act of loss of your action? Percentage wise. With or without a condom? Completely different. I totally agree. That's the same. How often do you get a stomachache when you eat? Well, am I eating fast food? No condom or eating a chicken. Percentage wise. No condom. Not often at all. Under two percent. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if it's two. I wouldn't be surprised if it's eight. Fair. How many times have you? But also, keep in mind, it's not not wearing a condom is there's a lot there's there's there's causation versus correlation here. Is it because I'm not wearing a condom or is it because I'm with somebody whom of which I would choose to not wear a condom with? That's interesting. Right. What about stuff that's not intercourse? Like losing a reaction during like playing pickleball? No. Dink, July 24. Like getting a hand job. I don't know if I've ever lost an or I'm sure I have but I can't remember. You only lose erections during intercourse. I lose or I lose erections. Yes. You'll lose it during or I know I contact. No. I've lost directions when I'm like if I'm not sure and if I don't believe both of these things, I really want to be doing this with this person. This person really wants to be doing this with me. That shows the general sweetness. The prostitution business is going like this. He's not for us. But you know what I but I don't know. I've never been to him somewhere going like this. Remember not to write to Rick Langeman. I'm not, I've never been with the prostitute and I'm not against it. You wouldn't like it. But but that's it. But but it's not necessary. But it's not necessarily being into me. Although I think so. But you say half and half. I'm an argument. It's wanting to be doing this. And that is so what but that's so true. I don't want to be doing it. That then I wouldn't want it. She wants the money. She's pretending to want to do the act. She wants the act. I have to imagine that I would feel like listen, if I'm with a prostitute and I'm paying her her rate. Give her a name. Samantha. Cute. Sam. Really cute. Yeah. And I'm paying her rate. I'm too superficial to be with the prostitute that isn't a smoke show. So it's already too expensive for me, right? There would be like to be able to afford it. But Sam's $7,000. - Yeah, you'd be surprised getting the same club. - For this kind of money, $7,000. - Do you think prices are $7,000? - I have no idea of numbers. - I have to imagine that the really high end ones are like, I don't even think you pay them. I think it's something like you have to take them to Dubai or something, right? And then they just have sex with you in Dubai. - That would be as a business part of bad business, because you're gonna go like, how's your year been? Like, man, I can't pay my rent, but I've been to Dubai 40 times. - Fast. - You do buy them. Also that you buy them purses, you buy them those chocolates, they could resell them. - Oh, so their game is they're on Facebook marketplace. I've ever been to sex with Johns. They're like this, I went into that John, I had a bunch of sex all week in Dubai. What do you know? Sell purses on Facebook Marketplace. - I'm gonna be full of smoking hot. I'll tell you what, if you ever buy something on Facebook Marketplace, it's not a smoke show showing up. It's some guy named like, Greg has their assistance doing it. - He's about 41, he's over the hill. - I don't think four was that old. - Four are ones pretty. I mean, 41 is your past year prime. Your testosterone's gonna drop. At 41 years old, you're gonna have a salt and pepper mustache, salt and pepper hair. You're gonna look a little bit younger to me, but you're in my zone. - My most recent testosterone from, which, and it fluctuates a bit. It's a little higher sometimes. It's a little lower sometimes, but it was in the mid 1300s. - We're not bragging about numbers. I did function houses that I was biologically 39.2. - Great. I also will say that, and I talk about this in my act right now, my estrogen sometimes is a bit high. Like I'm really like, there's some going on in my hormones. - I talk about this in my act. I have women's tits if I take my shirt off. - Are you allowed to say that? Can't you just call them tits? - No, but they're different. If you saw me with my shirt off. - I wouldn't call them women's tits. - You would if you saw me with my shirt off. - So if I'm with a prostitute that's a smoke show. - I'm not a money, you're gonna spend. - I believe that since she does this for a living, and she's used to this kind of stuff. - She likes it. - Well, like, you know, oh, my biggest fear is to go on stage and talk to a bunch of people. It's just part of the job at this point. Some sets are horrible, some sets are great for what it is. - But you would be one of those fake guys being like, can I please you? - I'm just saying, I think she would be happy with it. - I'll tell you a nightmare for a prostitute is after the guy going, is there anything I could do for you? - Yeah, leaves. - I don't know, man. She's the one who leaves. I think you got this backwards. - I've never been to a prostitute. - Nor I, and I don't think I'm against it. I just, I don't know. I use coasters. I don't think I could do that. But also like. - Oh, like it's too dirty for you? - Yeah, I would be scared. Although the sex business, they get tested all the time. - The ding, July 24th on Apple. And I don't think sex work makes you dirty. It's a job. - Where were you saying? - Yeah, I share that opinion. And I also like, is it, you know, like, let me see your test results. I feel like, you know, like, 'cause they get tested all the time. So I don't know. - I'll tell you what, even when I masturbate, sometimes the person I'm created beforehand, and this is embarrassing to admit and it's 100% true, even in the fantasy before and they'll go, let me take a quick shower. - They do, you do. - They do. I've already showered. But the idea of like, you mean I'm like, then you come back to the place and just into human level. Do you mind showering up? - Yeah, that's true. - I will still, I'll clean up too. - Well, I'm in a relationship with somebody. - You've been out dancing for four hours. You want my head in this big nose, where? - One more time. - You want this big nose, where? - After dancing. - What I'm saying is, maybe if I'm 29. - I think the people that pay for prostitutes. There's lots of different versions. - Our politicians, scientists. - Oh, interesting, right, right. - I have to imagine, I'm telling you something. I think that if there was like a prostitute who's like, hey, if it worked, we're like, they don't see the person, which I have to imagine they do, 'cause you know what I mean. So I don't, like if I were to like, do it online or something. - Okay, like you're saying, you think the prostitute's going like this. I don't know the money's right, but let, oh, he looks nice. - Yeah. - Doesn't happen. That's the same thing of a stripper falls in love with you. - It's not just about looking nice. I'm saying, I love his show. - You let me say it. If I were with a prostitute, I bet you, I'd be the top white person. - Remember you said the big brother thing? Well, I'm gonna big brother you. You're acting like a 29 year old punk right now with your hat backwards. That's what I put on backwards. - I think that she would have had a good time with me. - I was saying that's why I put it on backwards. That was obvious. Cut to me still being mad. - I'll just speak to the prostitute's watching this. - I'll speak to the Johns watching this. - I'm gonna assume that most of the people you're sleeping with are boring and or gross. - You're trying to sound probably be with me and be like, he's better looking than the average guy and a laughing lot. - You would have a good time. - I'm not saying I'm rich or gay or but I'm also not saying you're junior or reverse. - You do that and it's about the money. Like Jason Alexander says. - What was this designed to hold? - This is. - My mom drinks out of mugs that big and I don't like them but that one's at Ohio and it's fun. - When you're older it saves you from getting up to us. - Get the heft on this. - Older people have a big mark in your hand. - Not from the bottom, like a handle, like a normal person. - Hell, what am I at the gym? - Swipe to Jason Alexander for pretty women saying something and then attacking Julia Roberts in a scene that was vile and then he's here with Rick Glassman. - Just swipe the shallow hell with his tail. - Shallow hell, what a movie. - Yeah. - So back to. - I really believe that a prostitute would think, hey, this is the hot room. If we're doing the, if we're doing a metaphor here. - I got it. - You know what I'm saying? - But that's the ego talking, bro. - I don't think that she's falling for me. - But brother, that's the ego talking. - That's not, no, no. - So you think for a prostitute they, if, let's say you called one, they're thinking, okay, I'm gonna make it. - No, no, once they've been with me, what I'm saying is relatively speaking, they're gonna feel safe with me. - Of course. - They will have a laugh with me. - No, look, he'll be more than average attracted to me. - I think they would walk away thinking, honestly. Whatever it is talking. - Let them have the mic for a moment. - And you're all kids, ego right here. - They would walk away thinking, I was like, I had a good night with that guy. - Can I say what I think? - Yeah. - You're a faceless John, brother. - I'm not saying that they're gonna fall for me. What I'm saying is we're both getting what we want. They, it's transactional. - A great idea. - And I think transactional relationships, depending as long as you're both on the same page, and it doesn't even have to be like a sexual one. A friendship one. A work relationship. Hey, listen, I'm here to get rebounds and you're paying me to do that. - Can I say something as the prostitute of this thing and you're the John? I feel like I'm being yelled at. And this is a transactional opportunity. We came here for a thing. - What did you come here for? Did you come here to promote the dink or did you come here to have a good time or was it a little bit of both with one being the priority? - Can I be honest? A good time. - Great. - 'Cause this is how I socialize these days. - Dude, I talk about it here. - This is now, I don't know how it happens. - I can't see it, it's an excuse to have friends. - Bro, I said it on here. - Honestly. - I know it's sad. But I went like, you know what? I'm in the middle of a press tour with a lot of people I don't know. And my schedule's getting filled in. And I'm like, okay. - Do you mean with a bunch of John's? - Yeah. - And are some of them a little bit more entertaining than others? - At the end of the day, they all faceless. - I don't believe that. Because here's what I'm selling, this ass. And if I make enough money of people watching that movie on a streamer, which I guess they just have to click a button, then I sold this ass. And my job, my Pimp, Apple goes, "Good job, boy." And I go, "Can this little," and I'm not saying about others, I'm saying about me. Can this little hoe get another opportunity at a better block with better John's? - Faceless, but better. - Money, money, money, money. - That's what I'm saying. - I want that money. - She's getting paid her rate, but this is a better corner. - Yeah, that's all I'm looking for. - But that's what I'm saying. - Then we're in agreement. - Wonderful. - But you also said you think she's gonna laugh, she's gonna be a little bit more above attracted than average to you. - Yes. - And what I'm saying is is, I'm there a corner. I don't care about nothing but the money, baby. - Okay, what I'm saying is, when I'm with somebody, and I believe that they want to be there, because they're getting paid the rate, I'm on a money, and they're having a good time with me, I would have a better chance of being hard. - If I'm a waitress, and I go to a restaurant, and there's a table, there's a bunch of funny comedy guys. And they charm my little socks, and I'm laughing. I'm not getting the kitchen, they go, girl, what are you laughing at? And I go, these guys are just really funny at table 14. And then they go, you crush them, and they go, no, I'm not crushing, they're just funny. Hold on, can I finish, 'cause I have a point here. Doesn't seem like I do, but I do. - I know your point. - What is it? - Whether it's that table or another table, you're doing it for the tips. - No. - Okay, I was wrong. - Kind of. - Okay. - Or it's gonna be a shade of gray, just like everything in life. And there's a table other, next to it. So, disgusting guy. Just fell off a Harley Davidson motorcycle. - You're gonna behave the same. - Let me finish. - I don't like his vibe. He's not necessarily mean, but he's got a funky old smell, and he's weird about how he wanted his eggs. And he goes, scrambled, honey. and he goes, "What?" And I go, "So scram, and he goes, "I want my eggs wet." And you go, "So scramble." And he goes, "Wet, honey." And I go to the back, and I go, "He wants some wet in the chef," because we just scrambled, put a little milk in it. Okay, I didn't know that. I've never wet. And you go, he takes a bite, and he goes, "If in the end, the table of funny charming six foot one or two, 29-year-old guys, six foot three, six foot three, handsome, 29-year-old guys, who showed me a good time. Tip less. If their tip is $20, an old grump pants is $40. That's two percentage-wise, because that's not fair. But it's a table of guys, there's one guy. So, of course, he's giving you weight. 20%-40%. Yeah. 20%, 40%. Old guy is a higher percentage. Old guy's here. Oh, okay. I thought you said old guy was here. No, I didn't. If their tip is $20, an old grump pants is $40, 20%-40%. Okay. Old guy, 40. Young guy's 20. I'm Sam. I go to back to Lance at the end of the night and he goes, "I have the craziest question for you of all time." And I go, "My mother's outside, I have to go." And no, I don't want to go on a day with you." And he goes, "I'm happily married." And I go, "Oh, the vibe changed, then what are you asking?" 'Cause this is now serious. You talking to the old guy right now? No, I'm talking to Lance, who's my manager in the back. He was the guy before saying you having a good time. Okay. But he didn't talk to me this way. So, I'm going to take his question seriously. And he says, "Which table did you prefer in a holistic sense? Which table did you like being their waitress for more and why?" And I think. And I go, "I hadn't laughed, it was fun over here." Which was fun. Those guys were really funny. I almost cry laughed at one point. Somebody said something about like the whip cream and the way they were messing with each other was really funny. And they were nice, they didn't tease me. They teased each other. Cool. But they didn't tease me. And they were joke-flirting. But they were, the guy who was actually flooded, they were teasing him. Right. So, I felt safe. Yeah. And I liked them. And I might check out their websites. But I'm going to choose the old guy because he gave me more money. And what I think you're saying to me. You're missing it all, but go ahead. Is in order for you to maintain an erection. You want her laughing and all this stuff. No. It's not about that. It's not about what she's giving me. It's about what she wants and am I giving it to her? And it's about what I want. And is she giving it to me? Can I ask you a question? Yes. And then, can I finish? Is what she'll say to me. She won't. 'Cause I won't. But I'll say, of course you could finish 'cause that's what this is. I just hope you do it fast. And put a condom on 'cause it's disgusting. Also, eat a pineapple. In this example, if they both paid the same amount, then you're looking for those little things that aren't as important. And you know what that thing is? Who was faster? You want to know what a good client is for a prostitute, premature ejaculation? You may be, but if you're paying by. Oh, Rick Glassman's great. Why? He came in his pants as I was walking up the stairs. You're missing so many things, man. An Uber driver wants to get you to the fastest, but along the ride pays more. Are we paying by the hour or by the act? There's so many things. I'm saying everything else fixed. If it's the same amount of time, if it's the same amount of money, I am above the average good looking and way above the average of funny and even more so above the average of them feeling safe with me. That's all I'm saying. Now, I'm giving them what they want. They're rate, doing it as fast as it needs to be, and then feeling safe. Is she giving me what I want? And that's where I don't know yet, but I'm thinking if I wanted to, if I was just horned up, and this girl is a smoke show, and I'm like, I got 3000 bucks cash, and I'm not allowed to spend it on anything, because I'm gonna get in trouble with the IRS. - Hold on, I got to take this really fast. Do you mind? - Are you okay? - Yeah, sure. Excuse me. Hey, Vic. I'm not feeling safe. He's fine, I have a brand. He's pretty, you know, and I don't want to be here. All right, come on, let's ask him again. He's fine, he's safe, and great, he's injured. - Can I say something? And then we can wrap this up real quick. I'm noticing that we were living in two different realities just now, and I'm glad even though late came to it, I'd like to stop. I'm soft now. I realize this is not something that you want to be doing. - Do we pay the full amount? - Absolutely. - What a great job. - Great. - We can wrap it up. You wanna plug it, plug ding again, and then we can call it? We got a dink April 24th on Apple. We're here to help wherever you get your podcasts. It's time to do a couple of days early. - This is the maybe one, this is definitely one of the shortest podcasts I've ever done. And I don't want to do it anymore if you don't want to keep going. Do you want to call it? - Yeah. - Okay. - No, I'll keep going. - Interesting. You want to be here? - Yeah. - So you said earlier, you didn't come here to promote the movie. You came here because it's like an excuse to be social. - Right. - Sounds like you're on a good block. And that's all I'm saying. - But I'll tell you what? - I'll tell you what? - If I had to take off my clothes and be penetrated by you. - Which is a metaphor for doing bets. - I agree. - I agree. But here's the difference. I'm not being paid for this. If anything, I'm paying you. - Correct me if I'm wrong. You said indirectly the more people watch the movie, the better opportunity you get to get paid. - But as a podcast host, which we are, I know it. And I understand the game differently. When somebody comes onto my show, they tuition, baby. - They what? - Tuition. - They tuition? - They tuition. - Intuition. - Tuition. - Tuition, I don't know. - Paying my kids tuition, baby. - When they come on your podcast. - We filling up downloads, brother. - Right. - And the way we get those ads is those downloads. So the actual one is fun. 'Cause we talking about a library, baby. - You don't know what you're saying. - And you can. (laughing) - Do you want to be here? - As a prostitute, I don't feel safe with you. You are by your definition prostituting that ass. Those are your words. - Well, you wanna know why I wanna be here? - Why is that? - I don't think we promoted the dank enough. - Well, I'll tell you this much. You, for someone who doesn't wanna take their clothes off, you sure made a point to say that you got some hot women tits. And I didn't ask once. - Your eyes did. And at your age of 29, you can't control your eyes. 'Cause your testosterone's through the roof. I'm a horny, I'm a horny so much, dude. - Not me. - Good bragging. - I would say at this point of my life, 100% asexual. - Wow. - So you're hungry than you are a horny? - Well, that's always been the case. - Question for you. Let's say you're not hungry and you're not a horny, okay? - There's a naked person in a bowl of spaghetti. - Well, no. - Give me the parmesan. (laughing) - What was the question? - You're not hungry and you're not a horny. - Then I'll take the-- - You open the fridge. - And there's some stuff in there. Nothing that you're excited about, but you could eat. - I mean. - Right? - Versus whatever gets you off. I don't know if it's porn or some beautiful ladies walking up to you and going like this, whatever it is. - Neither of those. - Are you able to get like, ooh, I'd like to get, you know, I'm sexually stimulated. - It's an interesting question. So if I'm at a zero for both, and there's-- - Meaning, please. Zero for both, that's tough because it's like, you just came and you're full. So like-- - Good. But the equivalent to both. - You're equal to both. You came yesterday and-- - I had breakfast and it's after 3 p.m. - Yeah, understood. - Look in the fridge. - There's a question. - Yeah. - And this is actually important. - That's a-- - Food is available and what sexual thing is available. - Well, it's gotta be, it's-- - It's gotta be like a Zekeiel bread in Turkey. I'm probably gonna choose the sexual thing. - Well, what about if it's a porn surname is Zekeiel and fucking a girl in Turkey? Now, I don't love that joke, but I thought it. And this is long form. - Oh great. - Okay. - Then if that's the case, I'm not interested in having sex with a turkey. - But it's gotta be porn because you can't be with another person. - So just looking at porno and masturbating? - Well, what are you going for the fucking fridge? - I have a personal question. We could bleep a lot of this. You'll let me know after the fact. Out of 20 comes, how many of them are from masturbating? - 19.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 - 19.9999. - Okay, so are you doing that to pornography? had? No, thinking. Imagination. Imagination. Okay. Creation of a story. So you could eat a zikio bread and create something different out of it. Well, the thing that I would create from there is, you wouldn't need the cheese or any of the things. This is also a disgusting piece of bread, and I guess it's healthy. Bread doesn't taste like bread to me, but I don't want to get any fatter because I'm trying to be on television. So I would go, well, fuck, I got to start, at my age, I should start thinking about my calories. I can't just eat a bunch of fucking pasta. I'm not partying the pun, but there's the rub for which one for the masturbating or the chicken or the turkey that you put the rub on. Listen, I've been to massage parlor where I didn't know that they were going to try and jerk me off. And what happened? Well, they jerked me off. And you know what I thought while they were jerking me off? I'm definitely hard. And there's no way she wants to do this. While she was jerking me off, I said, hey, I've never done this before. I don't know what your rate is. How many times have you said that to different people? I've never done this before. I've never done this. What's your rate? I'm a nice guy. And she goes like this, Rick, it's me. You've been here before. Well, this is just, this is just in role playing. This is with, I'm in a relationship. You masturbate about massage parlor hand drops. Masterbait about them. That's such a funny way, right? Because I do watch pornography more than I just think. Oh, you do. I probably watch pornography 60% of the time. And I, and I use my mind 40%. I use my mind 70% of the time. Can I ask a personal question? What's the search? I just go to the page and I look at thumbnails. I need you go to the home page. You let them cure it. They, yeah, and you know what I need? I need, I need a beautiful woman. I also need a good-sized penis. Things July 24th. Sometimes masturbating and then the guy's really ugly. The same way I feel have what I'm talking about before. I don't believe that she's attracted to him. And I'm out. I'm out if I don't believe she wants them. So you're super chill. All these women want a big old dick. Not a big old dick, but a big dick. Dink July 24th. If I see a dink that is under you said, Dink. If I, yeah, if I see a dink that's under six and a half inches, I'm thinking of myself. A woman does it. No, I do not believe a woman necessarily wants a big dink. You can't believe that. I don't be walking around. You would be depressed. That's the six foot three ego in you talking, but I'm telling you something. You got a big dink. All else. You got a big dink. I got a great dink. Great and big is different. Yes, it is. Do you have a big dink? Big is up to the receiver. That's great is up to me. What's big? Simon inches. Oh my gosh. Yeah. You're way bigger than seven inches. Nine inches. No. Eight inches. I've been eight inches when I was, when I did, I pushed from the sides. I've been 12 inches if I suck in and pull hard enough. That's crazy big. Thanks. I'm eight inches the same way I'm six three. I'm technically not six three, but I'm eight inches, but it's, but like to say six two, it's like it's way, I'm like just under six three. I'm 12 inches the way I'm six feet tall. I ate six feet tall. Yeah. I'm shorter than that. Yeah. So of course, you have to think it's all dick is nice. No, I'm not saying a big dick is everything. No, but if I'm looking at porno, I'm not thinking this is where you and I are different. You're thinking they all love a big dick because because you like a big day. Yes, because you, but that's not everyone. I know it's projection. It's I'm watching something. It's the story. I'll create it to the criticism, which is not criticism, but what you had about the judgment, judgment about the dink, which I never even got to. Please get to it. I'm truly curious. Are you? Yes, because you keep interrupting. That's part of the thing here. I'm a hooker and I know you like it. So I want you to have a good experience so that you have a big old dick dink July 24th, which is a couple of weeks ago, by the way. Doesn't matter. It's streaming. Yeah. Continue. In the fantasy, you want to believe that the woman is really enjoying it. We were talking about if I had my father's approval in the movie, played by Ed Harris, why would I be nice things? In the fantasy of watching a pornography, I want to believe that the woman is really enjoying it. I don't know if she is. If she's a great performer, wonderful. She is playing to the physics of the universe that has been established, which is pizza guy jerk off. Oh, yeah, because we haven't when they order a pizza, what they really want is I'm so hungry. You know what I'd love to suck your dick through the pizza box, you're watching the wrong porn. It's a guy that orders a pizza and the woman comes and is so turned down by the guy. How many women pizza delivery guys? Have you ever fucking met with door dash? No pizza delivery, but that door dashing pizza is why you get it now. You know, order from the pizza place. Order from door dash. I used to deliver pizzas out of a pickup truck. Yeah. Tell me your order. I'll pick your truck. Tell me your order. All right. So I prefer pornography. I read as it were a hot one delivery guy to you who just realized that she doesn't want to be in the relationship that she's in anymore, who calls it off on the phone, which is dark, but she does it. And she just wants a distraction. The same way the girl from high fidelity did when one of her parents died and she fucked John Q. Second the car. Jack Black. No, but he's in that movie. I know he is. Okay. She needs a distraction. She's like, fuck it. Order a guy with the bald head who had a real moment for about 10 years. Then pizza delivery guy. You're screwed. Cut to that guy. Comes in. Cut to his IMDB. And he cut to me delivering the pizza to some hot chicks. Somebody order a pizza. Yeah, somebody order a pizza, a bunch of pizza pizza. No, we already ate this. I'll leave this pizza. Pizza. Pizza, fucker. That wasn't that nice. That's what I'm talking about. But how does that relate to the dink? Because in the dink, my judgements were, I don't believe if you wanted your father's approval, you would be making some of the jokes you made. That being said, we want to laugh. So there were moments that I was taken out my judgment of I, this is funny. This is a sketch scene. But it's I don't believe the dynamic between what you want from your father and how you're going about it. Walk me. I did believe it with her. Walk me through because I'm curious because I'm a guy who I really care about tone. I know. And so I like this note. I wish we could be in the edit bay discussing it. And here's why. Which moments? Okay. I could remember one right now in the remote. But the one will be good. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was you going in talking to your dad about something. Yes. In the first part. Yes. Where I walk. Yeah. When Pat and I was walking out. No, I like that. Okay. I don't think it was that because I remember the kick. I'm like, this was false. Yes. Those were bits that didn't cannibalize the reality. Okay. And for that, get let, let it rain. Yes. There was something where it was a scene where where then you left and you thought your dad said something. Do I love you? Did you say love you? Yeah. It wasn't that moment. It was that scene. There were some bits that were happening. What the fuck? I only remember the bits walking out. Okay. But something in there, you said, tonally, they're pushing. No, it wasn't that deep. It was that. Here's what it was. Because as an actor, I never want to push. It wasn't performance. No, it was a tone note. But the actor's job is to also. No, no, no, because you try to be as funny as you can. You make your choices. And then in editing, you like, does this cannibalize the relationship? Here's how I disagree. I think it is the, and this is why I'm a big boundaries guy. Sometimes a director will give you direction. And if you follow it and you disagree with it, that's on you. You fucked up the tone yourself. Say that differently. I think it's an actor's job. Not all actors feel this way. But I think some actors want to just be fully directed if the director goes, give me all the options and I'll find it in post. So give me bigger, bigger, bigger, smaller, smaller, smaller, now try this, try this. And some actors love the game of I can give you everything. I feel what I go as an actor. I've discussed the tone with the director, the writer. We have a game plan. If you're trying to get me outside of the tone of the game plan for maybe I'm not interested in doing that dance with you because I don't want my performance to fuck the tone up. Right. Similar to like if you're doing pictures for a poster, you don't want to give them options that you don't want to use. Exactly. Right. So there is gray area with that where it is sure, but are you giving trust to the director? Agreed. And how they earn that. And Josh Green from the director, this has earned that. Great. So at that point, maybe you think it's not in tone. Maybe they think it might not be in tone, but let's try it. Let's try it. And with this movie with Josh, I did feel that way because I 100% do trust love the guy. And that's a fun place to be because even if you don't use it, now we're now we're free. Example David Gordon Green on the pilot of maximum pleasure guaranteed was such an enjoyable director to act for as an actor. It read this probably like I was on a peloton. and I was doing a phone call just my side. The other actor wasn't there. And it was me trying to tell her like, everything is good and convince her, the plan's gonna work. Did a couple of takes, I wasn't quite there. I was thinking more of the blocking too much. I didn't feel comfortable on the bike. He said, do it in a favor. Do a take, we probably won't use it. Where you're physically pulling a rope as you're talking 'cause you're trying to pull her in. And I went, all right, so that's my motivation. And he goes, no, do it with the hands of the rope. It felt insane. Then he said, do it again, no hands. I was a totally different performance. We've got a scene where I'm yelling at Tatiana at the end of the thing in the car. She's yelling back. I said to Tatiana before him, interrupt me as much as you want. I know my lines, you're not gonna throw me. Throw anything, we can see both just go fucking nuts. We do a take, it's back and forth. It's really fun. It was so joyful for me. I was like, oh, great. We do the next take. She doesn't say any of her lines. A few lines in, I think. She says nothing or she changes everything. Zero, she does not talk. By direction. I don't know. No one told me. It throws me off in a very real way. Then I pause and I'm kinda looking at her. Then she's giving me a straight up dirty look. And I was like, she trying to fuck with me. What is she doing? Then I know my lines. So after I say something, there's a pause, I wait. I'm like, she's not giving me fucking anything. I started hating her. I started hating that she's not giving me anything. It ended and she went, sorry, David told me not to say anything. That was an amazing direction that was above my pay grade of in that moment, registering it. Cause I was thinking about, do I know all these lines? There's a lot of people here. It's my first day on set. Yeah. I was like, great, directed, fully trusted. I love that. I loved it. There are some, I mean, much lower stakes, but there are things that I do on this podcast. I never, my intention is never to fuck with somebody, but sometimes I can't give them the information and get the performance I want. It's manipulative for better and for worse, but there are times where I'll say something, and then after a certain amount of time, I might say, cut, hey, I just want to let you know about something blah, blah, blah, blah. That's 41 thing. I don't know what you're talking about. But I will say this, the idea of tone, it's not just important. It's, it's, it's king. Sam, 100%, okay. There are things where sometimes you watch a movie, and it's like, this performance is so odd. I could actually think of one, and I don't like to speak poorly about a movie, and I'm not, publicly, and I'm not even speaking poorly about this movie, it's just something I remember. - I'm just talking. - When they made the Baywatch, the Baywatch that remake movie, with Alexander Dario and the Rock and Zac Efron. I don't, there was something that Rob, Rob Hewbel, I don't even remember what it was, but he was in it. He's so funny. - Yeah. - It was so different in tone that it, it was weird. - Weird, yeah. - If that was what the movie was, or there was some understanding of why this character is that. - Yeah. - I'm in. Whatever, I don't remember enough about it. I just remember that was kind of earlier in my understanding of, wait, this is really funny, but that's not what this is. When is it worth it? I just remember that moment, right? - Yes. - So the conversation with, in a movie, the director sets the tone. The actor is able to do it or they're not. That's why you audition or whatever it might be, or they know what people are capable of. Now you're on the set and you're doing a thing. It might not necessarily be on tone, but it doesn't get in the way of anything. Maybe we use it, maybe we don't. Some things, this character would never do this. Even though it's really funny, it fucks up other things, right? Some things are more of a gray area. And there were some moments that you were making jokes, and this doesn't even bad. People might, it might be their favorite part of the movie, but my judgment was, I don't believe it. - That tone took you out of the reality. There were a couple of things that were specific to you and your dad and jokes that your dad made. I don't remember what they were, where I was just like the tension that is of sun wanting the father's approval that was set up and that was an important part of the story of the movie. I felt, I judged, these jokes made it less tense for me, right? And they were funny, where they worth it. My judgment was no. That in what felt like a formula that I know what this is, not that's a bad thing, I didn't feel challenged in it. And then as the movie went on that those jokes continued, but in a world where there was a foundation that I believed it, and this is, I don't know how corny this is or how rude this is, but that relationship with you and her changed my opinion of the movie entirely. And the jokes didn't get in the way, like when something happened after the rodeo or whatever it is. In that moment that you said it's three minutes of like, I wanna be funny, but when we can be funny about, you got to play the game, which is, I'm vulnerable, I am not going to admit my vulnerability, but I'm gonna play it to where everyone knows what it is. - Exactly right. - Which is such a fun place to live by the way. - I totally agree. - You had, no, not that Cheryl or whatever the girl's name was like all those jokes that are jokes. - Yes, agree. - Straight up jokes. - I totally agree. - Not only did they not get in the way of the believability, it was, they were character jokes as opposed to punchlines that are funny. And there were some stuff with the debt, which by the way, this isn't, and this is whatever reason I feel safe talking. - I love this, I love hearing that. - And I loved talking these things too. This wouldn't be something that if a friend said, hey, did you watch the movie, I would say, yeah, it was funny. - So this is, when you said earlier, I think we could be friends. The reason why I agree, we both do too many bits, and I could get lost in these conversations indefinitely, because I think this is the magic of our job. Now what's, what I loved about those scenes with Ed Harris is in real life, I'm a little bit afraid of him. And everybody on this set was a little afraid of him. Because of his accomplishments, because of his energy. - Energy. He smokes hand-rolled cigarettes. He's actually an old school cool guy. Josh and I and Sean do too many jokes. - Been there. - Everybody on the crew was in on our jokes. We made laminated cards, and your behavior on set earned you a character from who's the boss. - I don't get it. - You ever seen the show who's the boss? - Probably, I know the show. - Do you know the character as well? - No. I wouldn't work for you. - Okay. - The me and the AC knew the characters well, and in the show, there's Tony Danza, who's a nanny for a rich woman named Angela. He thinks he's the boss, he ain't the boss. Angela's the actual boss. She runs the house. - It was important for that time, like when Mary Tyler Moore was like-- - It was a big thing, but Tony runs the house. - He's the boss. - He's a fucking Italian. - He's not the boss, right? But he's running. He looks like he's the fucking boss. Angela's mother Mona, probably 65 years old. She's doing the die where her hair's orange. She's the sex symbol. All she adds, sexy jokes. She walks in the scene. They go, "Mona, what were you doing?" I was on a date last night. How was it? I didn't get any sleep last night. (audience laughing) It was sexy. (audience cheering) Then there was Alyssa Milana, a kid. Who's good? But none of us remembered her name. So she was there and made an impression, but we don't even know the impression she really made. Then there was the little boy named Danny. It was terrible. I don't like to talk badly like he about Rob Hubel, but-- - I wasn't talking about Rob Hubel. I think he's sterical. - Are you sure? - He was in the pilot of Sunset PI. We just did. He's gonna be in that show. - But I do think the director didn't let Rob know what-- 'cause Rob's only doing the scenes that he's in. So Rob's doing it. He's getting the laughs. People probably, he's probably, like, he's just so funny. So let's do it. Then when you watch-- - Then it probably tested high too. - But in a vacuum, it's hysterical. That's why I don't believe. I've said this before I'd stand up. I don't believe funny is number one. I think funny is necessary. - I agree with this. - I think funny is too. Believeability is one. - I agree. I want every audience member to think I am exactly that character in real life. And so then Danny was not even sure why he was there. - I need water. I needed for a little bit and getting it now. - Okay. - To keep talking or I'll be right back, but I'm listening. Does anyone need a drink? - No thanks. - Are you okay? - I'm okay. - So on that movie, during the day, we would hand people a card from who's the boss to reflect their behavior that day on set. - So every day you change? - It did change. The guy that's kind of made laminated cards. So, for example, the rodeo there, we're doing a big dance scene, right? And he's trying to wrangle the extras. He's doing a bad job. It's getting on top of him. He's yelling, everyone's getting confused. In the middle of the tension, we just hand him a Tony Danza card. And he goes, "I'm not now." And we go, "That's such a reaction like the boss but you ain't one." Every once in a while, the boom guy or somebody would do something and you'd go, "The boom mic is in the way. It's not quite working." But then you would go, "What the way if I could do it at Mona?" "Yes, actually, it's fuck." He just doing great. Then somebody would come in and you'd go, "Wait, this is the wrong shirt for wardrobe." We got a stop reset. He just got the Danny card. We didn't even know why you're here today. - Doesn't matter what shirt we're wearing in your head. - No, you're doing such a bad job in wardrobe that you're wearing. throughout the wrong shirt because you missed it too late. You're a Danny, passing those around. The only time we didn't really place when Ed Harris was on set because it was scary. I would never give him the Mona card. You wouldn't even give him a card. If anything, I'll give him the Angela card and then just go like, "You're the best and you'd go." What is this? And I'll go, "Nothing." And you'd go, "Why'd you hand me this woman?" And I'll go, "Because that's you." And I'm Tony Danza, but you're the actual boss and he would go, "What is he saying?" It was that vibe. - The whole time? - No, friendly, nice, great guy. But that's what I feared the vibe was. So in those scenes, part of the comedy for us, for Josh, for myself, and for Sean, was we're all a little bit afraid of Ed Harris's character, Chuck. So what can we do with us? So when we would walk in those scenes, when we'd walk down and sit, he's such a real actor that he was not playing he's in a comedy. So he would just be staring at me in a two shot. And my natural instincts would not be to go like, that amount to your shirt, he would go like, I'd be like, "I like an Eddie Jada." And then he, in the moment, Ed would go, huh? And I would go, sitting here. Now, I was playing a rhythm for me, 'cause I wasn't afraid as a son he was going to kill me. But Dusty, I felt was in a vibe of, I've lost touch with where the floor is with my dad. - You the actor. - Me as Dusty. That Dusty is in a moment with his, that where he comes back and the dad goes like, goodbye son, and he goes, did you say I love you? At that moment, Dusty was hoping to hear it. Then when he looks back and he goes like, huh? And I go, what's that? As the character of Dusty, I would imagine, I close the door and then Dusty goes like, not a great moment. - Sure. - But we didn't see that. - But sure, but that was the intention of that tone. When I interact with my dad, I get a little nudily and I blow it. But I'm keeping trying, 'cause I'm gonna run this place. That was the comedic intention that I thought, this feels I believe he's here and then next to PJ, but I'm the man. - PJ, the. - Sidekick. - So my game with you is, trust me, dad comes, I mean, that would, and I have to go like, hmm, you know what, dad leaves, write that down. - Yeah. - And I was like, okay, so now I think I can get away with some jokes with dad, 'cause now we can push a little. But for you, it was pushed too hard. And I find that interesting. - I don't, yeah, maybe. I don't know if push too hard is the best way of saying it, but some version of it. - Yeah. - I think it was, it was, hey man, you're not the stupidest guy in the world. - And if you were, it's a different movie entirely. - Totally. - You want something. And when you want something bad enough, you'll believe to avoid not feeling the other thing. - Yes. - Spoiler alert, blur me, bleep me saying. - Bleep. - And that too. - Fine, it's early enough, leave it in. - It's a reveal of the intention at the end though. - He's right. - So just bleep the two versions, I said it. You'll go for what you're after. You will question if you want this woman who's three decades older than you. You're asking questions. You're trying to figure stuff out. So, and this wasn't even all conscious thoughts as we're discussing it, I'm realizing what it was, but what was conscious was, I don't believe this dynamic. - Right. - 'Cause then the dad, Ed was making some jokes too. - Totally. - Which by the way, funny, great. But your relationship, I felt the cannibalized that. And to me, in a formulaic movie where I knew what your relationship was with him. And again, I'm being political maybe, but when I say formulaic, I don't mean that in this. - I don't take it as one. - It is a formula, it's a three-act structured sports movie. - As it's supposed to be. - Yes. - But for one of the benefits of something like that is we know what we're getting into right away. - Yes. - So I knew immediately what this relationship with your dad supposed to be. It was defined that way, the way it was written. However, there's, where's the tension? - Yeah. - You know, and I didn't feel that and I was judging it. I was judging it and I still thought you guys were being funny. Also being behind the scenes a little bit, knowing you a little bit. I'm like, that's the type of thing where I'm watching and thinking like, I would have loved to work on this with you guys. It just felt like it had that vibe. So this isn't, this is wrong. There's pros and cons of stuff. - Yeah, so when a joke cannibalizes the reality, I am very sensitive to it. - Yes. - Same. - And I felt the way it pieced together specifically in the first part with you and your dad. That's where I judged. And it was all worth it. If we could have even seen, when you closed the door of instead of it stayed on the room, it was behind and watching you close and turn around and just saw this, I honestly. - That would have answered the question for you. - I think it would have, I mean, so dramatic, but it would have changed so much for me. - So really quick, this is a, before it comes out on the 24th, maybe we could just-- - To the audience. If you watch the movie, which I hope you do, and you're feeling the same, I'm gonna give you a moment really fast that I want you to take and put into that moment. Okay. So the camera would be this way. It's gotta be more like a place. - Here, let's do it real quick. - Well, the blocking of it would-- - Right here. - Right where, where's it? - Okay, that's all right. - Yeah, that's okay, perfect. - So yeah, Jake, take it from, take it from you leave, you thought your dad said something, you go back in, but we just see the back. Sound speed? Hold on, may I? - Yeah. - Pardon me. Jake, come here for a sec. It's good stream for-- 47? - You know, a lot of people will pee under the porcelain out of respect. I think he's not, I think he's bragging a little. - Yeah. - No comment on how long that piss was? - I was commenting on the stream. - No, I didn't even were talking about it. - Now that's a big dink. - Okay. Are you gonna give me an action? - Action. - All right, well, then I'll, I'll see you. Okay. - What's that? - No. - Why don't you say, I love you. - No. - I don't know. - Forget it. All right, I'll see you. Thank you. - Bye. - See you. - Yeah. - Thoughts? - I think, yeah. I think that you were doing it for the joke and not really-- - Start again? - I don't think you were really feeling it. So just for blocking, why don't you let this be the exit? - Okay, also just for props. You might move in that shit so it doesn't fall on the camera 'cause you're top camera. - Absolutely. - Tell me what? - Yeah. Why don't you start with me real quick here. I get why you're stopping, but when you're leaving, I would love to just, don't stop for the camera. Just have your feelings and trust we're gonna follow you. - Okay. - Okay. - So why don't we back up a little bit? Or come this way so you can-- - So you don't wanna pause at this door? - I want you to have just a beat at most. - Okay, and then will your edit be 'cause I'm gonna be in the edit bay with you 'cause like I'm Dink, I was a producer. So you're going to wait, is your edit gonna be when I go there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna have you go, be friends. - Okay. - Great. Sound speed? - And you are more grounded. - Yeah, I want, yes. - Okay. Action. - All right, well, I'll see you then. Yeah, that sounds good to me. Okay, I'll see ya. Bye. What's that? Ah, I'd say I love you. - Got it, market. - You're happy with that? - Yeah, yeah. - You like the movement of that? That's what you like. - Yes. - Great, I'm happy with it. - You know what I think a lot of people forget about the movies? - Sorry, this dog moved into my seat. I think what a power play. - I think what we forget about movies is we think we're telling a story, right? - Right. - Because that's what radio was. That's what books are, right? So truth is, and not that we're not telling a story, but what we're at least also doing is we're showing one. And if you could show with outtel, I agree. You let the audience discover something. Stanley Kubrick says, if you have the opportunity to have the audience discover it, let them, now he doesn't say it that way, I don't remember exactly what he said. But let them figure it out, look what I just figured out. I think, oh, he's a bad guy. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But we're definitely trying to make you think that he is at least right now. - Yeah. And that's why acting is actually way easier than people think your job isn't to tell a story. Your job is to just believe it. And then trust your cinematographer, your directors, and I'll tell you something, I would love to send you that. And let's see if we could just throw it in the movie. - Well, I know for a fact we can't. - Is that not how this works? - Well, and that's what will be impossible. I like the moment, and I don't think it's wrong. But I know we can't get it in the movie. - Why? - Where the movie is done. And it's also not the same. and format, it would be a whole thing. We'd have to color correct, we'd have to do a whole lot of stuff to it. - Do you think color correctly versus just this? You're in some random versus apartment, all of a sudden? - I also, I don't look similar. It's like, it would be a whole lot of stuff. - Okay. - They'd be a lot of, it wouldn't make sense, like the back, or it like it's, it wouldn't work. - Here, will you give the microphone to Miranda now? What is on this? - No, I think with your permission now, you have a piece of magnet that's under your shirt that's about to fall out, just fell on the ground. With your permission, based on having this conversation with you this past half hour, I would love, no obligations, of course, to use you as a, I have one main, a couple of side sounding boards for, now I'm not making the big cool stuff that you're doing, but I do it in my little world. - Yeah. - And there are times where I'm like, I know what I'm wanting and I'm not able to get it, or I don't know what I want to get, what I want to get, whatever it might be. If you're ever free, I would love to be able to come to you. The text, a little video thing. - Fine, yes. - To what your time. This is what you said to me when I was talking about earlier, is what I already knew about you. You have a mind that is very intentional, and I could disagree with you, but I know that you're getting there for a reason. And I feel high right now, having this conversation with you. Also, this idea of, oh, you're always joking all the time, as if jokes are mutually exclusive from sincerity. - Agreed. I'm constantly lost in the sauce. Some of you say, stop joking, I'll go, what does that mean? I don't even know if I am joking. So I'll tell you why. I'm in this tone when I'm alone. - Yeah, what are you asking? Are you saying use a less silly voice? - I will quite literally, 'cause my favorite bit of all time was, when I found out I could do my father's voice, - In real life? - In real life. - And that it was my only very good impression. And that I could do him to him, and he would go, I don't like this. And I could add, talk to his friends. I was like, I got Krakow's voice. And I could do it and I have obsessed with him, so I could nail him. Where I was like, I can embody the thing of him, and he was such a character. From another, I've told this before, but my brother and I used to do a thing with my dad. And I'm mind you, he used to party. - Is that a slang for drugs? - Yeah, that's a slang for, he smoked Krak before. So his brain by the end had some gray areas. - Has everything does? - Some more than others. Dink, July 24th. - That's out. - So we should just say watch the Dink on Apple. - Yeah. - Oh, we should have made that a just for a long time. - It still fights. - It's fun energy because what you're doing is promoting. - Yeah, well why don't we just do this? - Think out now, you can use that audio and would you put it over my other ones where I say Dink July 24th? - I'll tell you why I don't want to do that. Because there's so much conversation about the in between. I'll tell you what I will do. The last time before this moment, starting as of three minutes ago, rewind. The last time he says July 24th, just use the audio of him saying out now over that, but the lips don't have to match. - Perfect, that's all about that. - That way we get the real stuff, we get the game, we get to evolve. - I love it. - That's the real value of an inciting incident. - Well, that's also the real value of making a movie, Dink July 24th on Apple because you get to do the whole project of building it together. So what you were saying a little bit about Stanley Kub and show, don't tell it. - Stanley Kubrick, is that Stanley Kubrick you talking about? - Yeah, same thing. I mean, I just shortened it for time. I don't think it's a big deal. - Okay. - Is that. - I don't stand Kubrick. Sorry, doesn't matter. - It's just different ways of skinning it. - Yeah. - Is your take was an actor's job is just to live it and it's then the directors and in post job to finish it. For a show like Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed I just did, that was my job. - You know what? - That's just an acting job and I love this. - On my screening thing that Apple sent me, I think that was on there too. - They gave both. - And I didn't, I'm like, why is that on there? I don't even know if you were in it. - So I'm gonna TV call Maximum. - I'm not, I just play the ex-husband. But I did it because. - You play the ex-husband. - Well, it's such a her show, Tatiana Maslani, who's excellent. And I. - Is she the girl from orphan black? - That was a while ago, great show. - She's a great actress. And I don't, when you said it earlier, I don't know if you audition or what, I don't audition. So, well, I don't do that as a brag. There's certain stuff I don't get an opportunity at. - You know Tom Cruise audition for Jerry McGuire. - God bless him. - Well, here's the difference. It doesn't really contact me anymore, unfortunately. - He used to contact you. - There was somebody who would text that he. - Do you still get the cake? - Yeah. - When is it, is that for the holiday? - Christmas. - I don't get a cake, I get a gingerbread house 'cause we have a dairy issue. He made a switch. - That's not what this is about. - Kinda. - What I loved about Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed is I don't get to do jobs where I get to just be an actor. And I get to just believe in the reality of I'm going through. - Meaning you had more hats, usually. - Meaning for the dink. Sean and I put that movie together. We, most of the things I do, I'm involved in a lot of different areas. I'm editing a movie or producing a movie we're in edit on right now. And we all watch the last night I give my notes. And I can give notes on my character that are insulting to the performance and the look. And I don't feel like it's me. Where I literally could go like this. We need to do a vanity edit on George 'cause after it's looking five foot, five, 300 pounds. And it feels like I'm being mean. - Vanity edit because that's not what he's supposed to be. - No, because you don't like the way you look. - No, because it'll be like a beautiful two shot. But I'm like, okay, this low angle two shot is not giving us the romantic moment we need. Put those cameras higher. And I can say that about somebody else, but I can also say it about me. And I'll go like, this sequence doesn't work and George is not coming across as funny. This is not right. - Yeah. - Mostly I'm doing a lot of that. And I'm putting on different intensity hats for each thing and it's fun. So when I think of acting, a lot of times I think, well, it's all part of the same job. So it's not just showing up and believing. It's your creating the tone in real time together. And you'll do takes and Josh and I will, and Sean would like go, you know, it could be funny here. And then we'll look and go, do we want fun here? Do we want, where do we want it? And I love when you said you're high, I get really high in those moments. Because then in it, I also get really high. If you're in a scene and it's not fully working, but it's very close and then somebody throws something into the mix and goes, actually, let's try this. Can you say this here and when that happens, the whole thing changes emotionally. And you go like, oh, we just found what this scene is. Being part of that solution is so joyful. When people ask me, and I've said this on my pod, like what I like more stand up or acting, I say acting and the reason isn't because of acting. The reason is because I love collaborating so much. Totally. It feels like basketball to me. Yes. I don't need to score if you score. Same. We win. And that's not even me being enlightened. It's just the logic of the sport. It's what keeps my dick hard during sex. And the reality is, if my dick won't stay hard, then I'm not into it. Why, when my dick stays hard is truthfully in a collaboration, I don't give a fuck whose scores, but we are winning. When I came up, the idea of stand up, which has now erupted in the podcast era, never got my dick hard. And the reason, but I'll tell you what, did improv. Because the idea of working on this thing, going to a club alone, standing up in front of strangers and performing, I'm not into that. The idea of us together backstage, going like, this is a scary audience and everyone's going like, I truthfully don't want to perform. The audience doesn't look nice. We're in this together. And then once you start, it's not working, it's not working. And then somebody does an initiation. And you all go, let's attack that, that's our thing. That gets my dick hard out July 24th. Yeah. Out now. Out of four is also literal to what I was saying before, if we all want to be here, then I'm hard. Right. But the reasons for being here can be different. Yes. One could be wanting enough money. And feel safe. I've got a question about actually getting your dick hard. And this is for real. This is a deep-cut question I would like you to think about before answering. Or if you meet somebody, she's not attracted to you. Here are you new women exclusively? I don't want to cut out. I think so. Okay. You meet a woman, you find her very good-looking. Right. I'm saying hot, the idea of that is hot. But she's got, you're like, yeah, yeah. You're flirting your laugh, and she's laughing at everything. Like that girl in the Tom Cruise movie where they they're high up, they live high up on stuff. She's in a lot of stuff. I can't remember what else. That's not a description of a movie. I could register. Tom Cruise Oblivion, Oblivion. Oblivion. I've never heard of a movie called Oblivion where Tom Cruise is high up with a good-looking lady. Cast of the movie Oblivion. If it's me in a blonde wig, I'm going to. Olga. Olga Curling. Tell me. That's a woman in Olga. I don't know who that is. I've never heard of that movie in my life, which is a great-looking woman. You don't know who this is? No, okay. Quantum Solace, Hitman, Oblivion, Afterburn, Momentum, Thunderbolts, Black Widow. Anyway. Yeah. No. That's one of those women where I feel like I would be attracted to her and she would not be attracted to me. Okay. So make it Olga, but she's laughing at all your jokes and she's really charmed. You go back to your place, she goes to the bathroom, you're doing a joke where you go like, I'm looking at your phone and she goes, okay, I'll give you my passport and you're like, we're getting lost in the bits of I'm looking at your phone and she goes, 5125 and you go like, I'm hitting it and you hit it and you're like, oh, this is getting so like fullerty and bad. I'm actually doing it. Do I know that she's not attracted to me? No, you think she is. Okay. All everything you're getting is she's into you. I would still not know that until she told me, but go on. I actually asked. Okay. Understood. Then you ask an earlier, she says, yes. Oh, I said, oh, are you physically attracted to me? She said yes. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, you know, I'm actually doing a lot of things, I'm doing a lot of things, I'm doing a lot of things. I'm doing a lot of things. All of it. All of it. I'm not going to come or ever masturbate about this. I'm not going to masturbate about this. I fucked two stars so far, one was from Love Island, season four. Did you watch Troy? I've seen Troy with Brad Pitt. No. Oh my god. I'll give my lips and my legs to fuck him. You would what? Anyway, I fucked Troy. Okay. It's fun. So fun. Were you attracted to him? No. Okay. Then I fucked another guy. No. Okay. The guys I fuck are not celebrities. Who are you attracted? Like what's without gaming a person? What are the qualities, physical qualities of somebody that you're sexually attracted to? Handsome and sexy. So you don't think I'm sexier handsome? Not physically, no. Right. But with that in mind, can we go upstairs and have a little bit of fun, boy? I won't be able to be hard with you. Why? Because you're not going to be attracted to me. I really want to do this transaction. And I will. Can I try to get you there? I'm not going to close the door on it at the moment. Cut to full erection. Cut to pipes going in a big explosion. No. No. I'm not going to close the door on it. I want, like, let's see how we get on if we can keep doing bits and stuff. If it's a moment, I get a little hard to something maybe, but I'm telling you, it's it's not going to. I'm not going to be able to. Interesting. I also be very turned off by the idea of being motivated to fuck based on a status. I understand that. Isn't that sex work? The status being the currency you have? For who? The sex worker or the person? Yes. The sex worker. I don't think. It's the access, not the status. No. I think when I think people probably want to have a prostitute for different reasons. One, they're unable to have some type of physical intimacy with other people. They're into nervous for it. It might be a kink or a dink of theirs. There's different reasons for it. I know for me, the only way it could be possible is if it's completely primal. And I find this person so physically attractive. And when we meet, there's enough of a thing where it's like, hey, she wants to be doing this, not because she's necessarily thinks I'm so great, but because this is what she does. This is her work. She's in relatively speaking. She's into me enough. That's the only time I can imagine it. But even then. Can I ask you another question? I don't think I said no question. Yeah. Because I do. I find all the boner stuff interesting. Do you have any sexual thanks that you'd be will you willing to admit to right now? >> There's nothing that comes to mind. There's things like in dirty talk, which I have to, I've never talked about. I don't talk about that kind of stuff on here. I don't know if I would want to. >> Understood. >> I would tell you. >> I understand. >> But there's nothing, there's actually something that happened that maybe I'll, maybe we'll bleep. I'll tell you. And we'll discuss your mark and we'll bleep maybe some of it. I don't know if this is a kink, but it's got to be. >> This is a dink. >> But it's a dink. >> So I was with somebody, whom of which? What's that? >> Congrats. >> You told me you masturbated a lot. >> It's nutrition at this point. >> Masturbatedness. >> Like eating. I'm saying it's just. >> I see your testosterone. >> It's just sometimes you just, you know, like you have five minutes and no one's here. What am I going to do? Stand in the living room, if I'm not editing something, if I'm not eating something and if I'm not watching a movie and I'm alone, what am I going to do? Right? >> I wish I didn't relate to that. >> So I was with this person, whom of which? >> I didn't think this happened. >> From masturbating? >> What do you think I'm going to do? >> You said it was from a new girl earlier. Was that true? What does that mean? >> No, that wasn't true. >> Yeah. >> It was so long ago. >> You only because you made some other new girl. >> No, no, I said it's that from the dink. >> Yes. And no, but right before you made it, oh, we were talking about my mother and houses. >> Yeah, you said she's living in your old house, I said, you mean another way of saying one of my house. >> And so you said, congrats. You said, thanks, new girl. Then you said, what was that of the dink? So I said, no, it was new girl. >> Funny. >> Is it necessary to know what the relationship was, how we met? >> Right. >> This, we didn't know each other very well. We spent enough time with each other over one evening. >> Fun. >> Right? >> It's an indie movie. >> Yeah. And I thought, I found her attractive and I went to her place. She was visiting. She was staying at a friend's place. She's Australian. She was staying at a friend's place and she invited me over. I dropped her off. She said, do you want to come in? In my mind, that doesn't mean that she wants to fool around. Doesn't mean that I want to, but there is an implication that I wanted to have a conversation about. And I actually challenged myself not to because I overcommunicate so much because I want to be on the same page. If she were to come to my place, I would have had the conversation. >> By the way, I don't think the communicator is a bad thing. >> I don't either, but I want to do a game and see if I can do it with less communication. >> Sure. But I could always say it later, you know, it's easier for me to set a boundary at her place and it might be for her at my place. >> An example of the conversation is, are you interested in me setting on your face? >> No, it's all we can make out. I don't. It's all good. >> Hold my battery for that. >> All good. We'll wrap this up soon. Pun not intended. >> Okay. >> Can I just say much? >> I would love that. In fact, that's a big dink of mine. So, we're sitting on the couch and she's giving me most of the things that are like, oh, I've been in the game long enough to know that she's interested, sitting closer, hand touching, this kind of stuff. Very much so. >> When I go closer to my seat, it exposes us. >> I am somebody that generally asks if I'm a lot, if it's okay to kiss. And it's not just a consent thing, but it's not like a getting in trouble thing. It's, I don't want to read this wrong and there's only one way of knowing. It's not, can I kiss you? Is that okay? >> What is it? >> It's different. It's like, God, I wish we had that camera. >> And I don't remember exactly what it was, but like making, making some type of making sure like, do you want to be doing this because I don't if you don't type of thing. I don't remember, but bad version could be- >> Can I sit on your face? >> Do you like when a man you just met sits on your face? >> No, that's too explicit too soon. >> If we ended up flirting and kissing and it ended with perhaps somebody squatting over somebody else's face with their butt and testicles near that person's nose, is that a positive or a negative? >> Well, that sounds like me sitting on your face. As far as you, me going down- >> You were asking, can you sit on her face? >> I'm asking if I could do that? >> If you can sit on her face. >> No, I don't ask that. >> You just do it. >> No. No. I am not- >> So you will ask if you kiss, but you will not ask, you'll just move your butt forward and sit on their faces? >> No, she will blow me when she wants to blow me. But when do you sit on her face? >> After she started blowing me, she has to go down on me before I sit on her. >> So she's laying on her back and then you do like a weird turn and present the butt? >> She has to be touching my penis before I'm not just going to be like kissing and then pull my pants down and sit on her face. She has to touch my penis. >> And then when she does that, do you ask or do you just do that? >> No, no, no. Once you don't go step-to-step asking. Just kissing, then all the answers are there based on how we're kissing and what our face is. >> Okay. >> It's just kissing. >> That makes sense. Have you ever sat on a girl's face without kissing before the kissers went to it? >> Never. >> If you hired a prostitute and you were really charming and she goes, let's have Sykes and you said, all I actually want to do is I want to pay her a sit on my face. >> For me, her to sit on my face? >> You to sit on her face. >> Pay you. >> Yeah. >> And she goes, of course, if that's what you're talking about. >> Yeah, I think, I thought it would be okay. And then if she left, would you think, I think this is a pretty good one. >> No. >> I was pretty charming. She made a like that when I sat on her face. I sat on her face. And pretty funny and handsome. And when I sat on her face, I could tell she was like, there's ugly buttoles. >> Okay. I see what you're saying. It wouldn't not just in that vacuum, but the day leading up to me sitting on her face. >> Right. >> Would have had to have been good enough to where I wanted to sit on her face. >> Right. >> So go ahead. >> So do you want to hear about this? >> No. >> Yes, I'm dying. >> Yeah, Australian. >> So we're making out and then, I don't remember if her idea of mine, but we go into the bedroom where it's like, oh, it's on now, not for necessarily sex, but we're at least going from kissing to making out, at least, right? So we're there and she within a minute takes her shirt off. No desire. >> No desire. >> Also, can I tell you what's coming back? Boob's are coming back. For a while. You agree? >> I love this. >> Yeah, so it used to be, it used to be boob's who cares about bugs. >> It keeps her away from me if I take my shirt off. Butts became king. >> Her eyes will be a magnet to these women who dance. >> And now boob's I think are having a resurgence. >> And meaning what? >> Boob's are awesome again. >> Really? >> At least for me, and I'm projecting this is what culture is. >> Okay. I grew up with Jenny McCarthy posters and Carmen Electropostas are my wall. It was all about big boob's. Not that there's anything wrong with big boob's. >> What era was that? >> Late 90s, early 2000s. I was late to the game. I watched it singled out in syndication. >> Late to the game. So in the early 2000s, you were late 90s, you were three. >> I'm saying that's when that stuff was out. I'm saying I was late to the game when I started watching it in syndication. >> Okay. >> Should have been her. >> Look, we talking about this. >> I would love to. >> I would love to. >> Because I'm trying to talk about it while also like this is something that I don't talk about too much. >> I know what the dink is of your family. >> People sitting on other people's faces. >> All right, man, that's something you keep talking about. >> This is the Sam, because the dog is like trying to get under my butt. I'm not into it. You're perverse. >> So she takes her shirt off. >> Okay. >> No bra. >> And she, it was one of those. >> Other than mine. >> I don't know yours. But bigger. >> Wow. >> It was the type of boobs where I was like I may even said this, but I know what I was thinking. I'm really grateful in this moment. I'm being serious. >> It's amazing. >> Does that make sense? >> Yes. >> Like, I remember this feeling. And it's not the first time I felt this, but like, I'm with this woman who I believe wants to be there with me. She's beautiful. And I'm like. >> I love this. >> This is, this is maybe this is corny or maybe this is, this is whatever the negative feeling this might be. This is my truth. It's artwork. >> Right. >> It's like. >> Wow. >> I'm just like. >> Okay. >> Can I ask you a question about this moment? >> Yes. >> Did you have a boner? >> Yes. >> You did. >> I think. I don't know. >> Okay. >> I don't know. >> You weren't aware of it. >> I don't know. I'll tell you this. If I was aware, it would have made it worse. >> Of course. >> But it was one of those things where like you go like, you know, you're just like. >> Holy mackerel. >> This is awesome. >> Those are the jigs. >> Those are the, now those are the jigs. >> Yeah. So now we're doing our thing. You know. >> Minus. >> What's that? >> You know what? >> You're what? >> My dink. >> What about it? I haven't even told you mine. I have to go pee. >> Again? >> The last time was drinking water. >> This feels crazy to talk about, but this is the world now. >> You're having fun, Rick. No wash. >> No, I don't wash it when I made my house with the pee. >> Wow. >> I go. >> Wash my hands before a pee, always, not from home, I've already washed my hands. But yeah, I didn't pee on my hands. >> You want to keep your dick clean? >> Yeah. >> You want to keep that big old dink clean. >> So let me tell you about my dink. This is how I really feel. >> And at my age with my testosterone level, I'm okay to admit this. >> Could we plug? Because I have battery in there? >> Yeah. Maybe. Probably. Please figure it out. who doesn't work, don't worry about it. I want to hear about his dink. Also, we have to call it in 30 minutes. I'm looking at a house that's way out of my pay grade, but I'm doing it for motivation. Dane Cook once said he bought a computer chair that was way too expensive when he was like responding to people on my space and stuff. And I don't know how literal this is, but I get the sentiment. He's like, I'm going to be in this. This is going to help my work. I know I'll be able to pay for it. I do the same move. I'm not going to do this with the house, but I rented a house in Outwater Village that I couldn't afford because I wanted to start working to the level that I could afford. I was a commercial actor. And my wife and I rented a house with a big backyard that was way out of our range. And she was like, what are we doing? I was like, I'm going to start booking. I have to because I don't want to leave this house. My work ethic went way up. Soon as we started going in there, bought a house. Don't sell them by the next one. Go keep working. I tell you about my link. If you go to a restaurant and you order a sandwich that you know you're going to like, you've been there before. Yeah. You get one to go. No. Not for this example. But yes, you get to. But maybe when I was younger. Okay. You get the sides you like, you get everything. Your in a conversation where somebody, then you get a call. You answer it. The conversation was a little bit longer than you want. You come back. The foods have already been there. It's a little less hot than it was originally when it came out of the oven. You go, should I send it back and reheat it? Then you go, you take a bite and you go, but these are the flavors. I like. That's my dink. The dink is having the flavors that you like anyway or eating something that's not hot. The whole it's the right sandwich. It could be a little hotter, I guess. But I don't think I'm getting it. I don't see how that's a dink. I think that's more something that you're okay with. That's my dink. Wouldn't you prefer? No. Would you prefer that you got the call after you ordered and when you sat back, the food had just gotten there and 30 seconds ago. See that's a dink. The other thing is just a concession. I don't think so. All right. So there I am with these great tits and how we're hers and a woman who, and here's the main thing. I enjoyed her company. I'll tell you the main thing. When you take off your shirt, she goes, this is magic. Look at those tits and she goes to her friends, boobs are bad. You know what she said to me? She said, maybe she meant it. Maybe she didn't. I believed in the moment. She believed it, but I disagreed. She said that I had a really good body. Now here's the truth. I used to be in really good shape. I'm not anymore. Minjuries working up up up up up up. I have a fine base, but I'm a guy. I just look like a guy with my shirt off. If I were to be told to do a scene where like, hey, we want you to take your shirt off, it would have to be, I would have to be playing a character that is supposed to not be in shape. Not saying I wouldn't do it or I would be very insecure. I would be insecure. Fair? Does that make sense? When she said that I have a good body, what I took from that was in a similar way to I think prostitutes have, it must be at least above average. And if she thinks I have a good body, well, I'm not worried about her thinking I'm funny. What if the prostitutes said you have a great ass hole? Then I would be out. My ass, not specifically. I've never seen that. Not particularly my whole, but my ass is probably my least flattering characteristic. In fact, after having sex with somebody, when I go to the bathroom to clean my dink, which I do, and I'm not ashamed of it, the second you're done. You go like, get that vagina juice off. The first thing goes like this. Before we cuddle, and you go like, I got to clean my face. But I'll fucking take a piss and not wash my hands after. I mean, I'm having a hard time not answering you right away. You know what I do? But you still got to do your bits. You know what I do? After I have sex with a beautiful woman, thank you for putting those juices on my dink. Yeah. I'm not going to go wash it. I respect you. Well, what I'll do is, first of all, if do you want me to say, come or ejaculate? What's better? Dink juice. If dink juice is on her, excuse me, smothering her. 29. I will change is when you get 40. Depending on what the energy is, if she wants it off, um, she does. Yeah. So I'll go, I'll go to the bathroom. Dink out now if she wants it all. No, she wants it out for the rest of her life. I'll go to the bathroom. And if it's in my bathroom, the hot water takes a while. I'll say, you're her friend's house. Okay. I'll get the towel, but I'm saying in mind, I have more experience of insects in my house than somebody else's. I just do. Cuz hookers don't have houses you go to or prostitutes or sex workers. So I will let her know, hey, it takes a long time for the warm water to come. Would you like, I'm going to bring you one anyway where it's wet and dry. And we can let it warm up. It's not called calm. It's called dink juice. Dink juice. Usually they're fine with it, but I'd like to give them more in water. But then they're sitting in dink juice for a little bit. So, you know, cost benefit. Then once she's taken care of it, I'll do some, I'll perform for her a little bit after sex. I'll probably stand up and I'll be like, you know, be ever heard. I'm going to tell a joke. Tell me if you've heard it. Knock, Mac. Who's there? I heard it. And then she'll go, huh, I go, huh. Then point being is when I go to the bathroom, I will usually not want her to see my ass. So I'll either, I'll either talk to her while I'm walking backwards. Or if I feel comfortable enough, I'll just moonwalk to and say, I don't want you to see my ass. Now, not literally that. I probably have a little bit of a little fun to, but to say, so if somebody said you have a great ass, I would be like, bro, I don't have a ass, let alone many guns that necessitate an entire rack. Yeah. What is it? Gun rack. I don't even own a gun. Let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. So you have a bad backside. I don't have a backside. I can give you some of mine. You got a big ass. Yeah. I got a juicy bottom. Yeah. Boob's wind box. You know what I got big tits and a big ass. Yeah. And you're funny. Well, I get hard with you. Here's my worst rights. I got a big ass and big tits and a sandwich that's been left out for a dink. To be defined a dink, not judging your dink. I'm saying, I don't think that is a dink. That's my dink. But I got that big old juicy book. That's a good name for a podcast. What's that's my dink? That's my dink. And it doesn't have to be sexual. No, it could be about pickleball. Yeah. Keep going. Really? I want to get to the dink juice. She was looking at your titties. I have to put my water. We both liked each other enough to be doing this. And I felt comfortable having my shirt off. That's the point. But not your butt out. That's the point. Yeah. I mean, I'll do it. I just feel insecure about it, but it doesn't stop me. No, but you moon, but you moon walk away from it. Yeah. I have a better more than insecure. I feel self-conscious of it. Okay. I'm like, you know, like you're doing a scene, you know, you're lines, but you're not present. Can we can we can you show us your butt and can we judge it? No. Take it away from the camera just for us. No. No, I'm embarrassed of my butt. Rick. I'm embarrassed of my butt unless we've seen each other naked. I bet I'm in self-conscious. Beautiful butt. No, I don't. This is crazy. I feel the same way about it. Somebody sees my penis soft before they saw it hard. I'm fine with you seeing my soft as long as you've seen it hard. Everybody's like that way. Not everybody. Some guys have huge dinks. Well, I feel that way with with a butt. If you've seen my penis hard, you could then I then see my penis hard first, then see my penis soft, then butt. That's the order of my confidence. I relate to that. How? You got a bad dick and a big ass. No offense. I haven't taken. I didn't say bad. It's a delicious sandwich. It's just not as hot as you wish it was. Yeah, it's not that hot. Chef prodider early. I was on a phone call. Yeah. I could have got off the call but I was enjoying it. It was my brother. We're doing bids. But we're talking about the same thing just because you could have gotten off. Doesn't mean you're going to get off. Agreed. Thank you. So there we are. She's naked with underpants. That naked. She's wearing underpants. Correct. Okay, but you said she's naked with underpants. She's naked but wearing a tuxedo. I would consider myself if I were in a. If you're in your underpants, you go like this. I was just naked. Yeah, I think if I were in a bikini, like a speedo, where you could see my whole ass, just not my ass hole, and you see all the outlines of all my dick and balls and stuff, I would feel naked. I didn't realize it was a clear phone. Also, you ever go for a walk and leave your phone on purpose and you feel a little naked? I mean, it is a metaphor. Okay, I took it literal. They meant naked, like she wasn't wearing a clothes. When you're just in a thong and nothing else to me, that's, it's not fully naked, but it's naked. Okay. If that weren't TV, it would say nudity. Wouldn't say full nude. Okay. Does it say full nude? Yeah. I stuff I watch. I'm saying the warning. So, you know, like this contains swear words and full nudity. It's our to dink out now. The beginning is going to be some of the tone stuff at the beginning. Rick has a problem with as well as a judgment of, but let's not bury the lead. If I saw it and I I didn't know you and somebody said, what do you do? Last night. watch the dink is a good. I would absolutely say it was funny and I would recommend watching it. I liked it. Genuinely liked it. If they said, do you have any criticism? I'd say, no, I do have a little bit of a judgment, but I also think that's that's something for me where I felt like the tone wasn't very well defined in the scenes with the father and the son, but they were funny jokes. I've got a real favor to do in terms of I'm a prostitute in your John and this is transactional. Okay. Would you look to camera and give in honest advertisement for people to say, not the date they got the date, but why they should watch the movie, the dink. Some of my friends shot up by the way to George Creekis, our musician, House musician and David Sullivan, they were winning tons of tournaments with all of some pictures. They're very big into pickleball. I have some injuries and I want to play pickleball because I want to be more active, but I haven't because there's a learning curve. Even if it's easier than tennis, I just haven't yet. Pickleball isn't just in the zeitgeist of the world. It's also on my mind of something that I could get my heart rate up. So I am interested. I think it's about time that because it's become so popular, are they going to make a movie about pickleball? Is it going to be real? Is it going to be funny? So I just want to say that behind the scenes, especially if there's an organic moment we're talking about pickleball. Okay. There's a pickleball movie that's out with Jake Johnson who, I don't know, I've talked to you about this before. I think it's so funny. I love how I'd watch anything use it in anyway. It's called The Dink, which I didn't even know as a term for the movie for a move on pickleball. It's really funny. It's kind of formulaic in a way that isn't bad, but like you will have thought when you're watching it. Oh, I've seen this before. It's another sports movie. As the movie goes on, there's layers to it that I guess I would say are sweet. Now, would I say this is Jake's best performance? Yes. It's the best thing you've ever been in. Is that shocking? You believe that? No, I don't, but I wanted you to not believe it first, so I could say this. It's not his best performance. And the reason is one, he's done such great work. And two, some of his choices I felt were Jake making them and not the character. Which ones? Did I laugh out loud? Yes. Did I feel emotionally invested? Yes. Were there some surprise cameos that were not just interesting, but worth it and funny? Yes. Dude, bring in the hot dog, which I knew was going to be aligned the moment we saw the hot dog in a good way. I mean, the whole thing and that narration device is so funny to be able to have that. There's so many great jokes. If I had one criticism, I don't know if I do, I would say I have a judgment. Yeah. Some of the time it felt like they were making jokes despite, it kind of took away from the relationship between the father and the son, which mattered to me because that was set up so well and such a big part of the movie. I give it four out of five licks. That's worth clicking. I was a waiter at a restaurant once where someone when they would eat something, how was it good? Here we go. I don't remember out of how many it was, but it's two out of three licks or whatever it was. How many times he licked the fork after? I felt like I was even saying that, I felt like I was stealing. This bitch right here is going like this. I get it. Okay. So we're in bed. She's relatively naked. With the bitch? Oh, we're talking the Australian. I'm moving on. I can't tell you about the dink anymore. It's just why. Anyway, thank you for that. Advertise my thought. It was great. I think it was very honest. It was very clear. And I really appreciate that sales pitch. I understand it. I hear exactly what you're saying. I've been thinking a lot as an actor to get. We've been talking intimacy masturbating sexual stuff. The thing that I will say that I'm starting to be at a crossroads that is if I do this movie or if I do this project, I know where I can find the laughs in this scene that are not necessarily written on the page or on the page or there. But I also know we have made a decision. I'm not just talking dink. I'm now talking bigger stuff that, tonally, when we had the discussion, I'm in my head also thinking about when we test this movie and we're in front of audiences and we're in this scene that's happening now. And there will be no laughs. And a lot of the audience is going, I don't think too deeply about these movies. I have a very busy life. I fucking put the kids to bed. I'm tired. I like that guy. I like that woman. Give me the laughs. I would like some laughs. That's why it's not a criticism. No, I know but it's a conversation that I've been thinking about a lot. And in that moment, the me is a younger actor who was way more intense closer to your age, 29. It was, and also the way I was in relationships back then, I was very black and white with my rules. I don't give a, and the reason I could never be a stand-up is I fundamentally, when I want stage in front of an audience, I have a Q&A tonight. I don't think I'm here to entertain you. I think we're in the space together. Do you guys have a bad vibe? We have a bad night, brother. And I think a true stand-up cares about their reaction. Could I talk? I've, this is a, please, this is, this is a religion to me. Okay. I've always struggled with stand-up because I've always had such a hard time knowing how the audience feels. If they laugh, do they really think it's funny? If they don't laugh, is it because they aren't being entertained? Or I had a bad day. Yeah, I don't know. Yes. As I've gotten older, I've gotten better at it, but I've accepted that that's, that's a weak point for me. Whether it's gotten in the way is it's made it taken longer for me to develop an act because who knows? Where I think it's given me what I think of the superpower of mine is, I am going to do what I think is best. Yes. Right? To say I don't care what the audience thinks would be lying and I don't believe you when you say that. Maybe you think that on surface. I very much care and I will not let their opinion influence my decisions because I care so much. Those are two separate things. When I do jokes, I want you to think they're hysterical. If I'm doing something and you're not laughing, that's not going to make me change course. Same. Right? There's pros and cons to both of those things. When you're on stage by yourself, you're allowed to do that because you're curating an act. You're trying to get to a certain point. When you're doing a movie, this is the thing and you're playing with other people's money. I think that the black and white thing I could relate to, I don't relate to the not caring. Well, the not caring. So the not caring is different. Of course I care. I wouldn't be doing this game if I didn't care. But it becomes a thing is if I think too much of what you want, then I'm forgetting about what I want and I am selfishly to do this a certain way. I have made a deal with myself. For example, going to, I'm about to go shoot a pilot project end of July. You got to go. Set timer for 15 minutes. And I actually have advice from you that I'd like to ask. So we started doing the chemistry bridge with other actors. I'll do it. We're looking for a five year old 600 pounder. He offers yours if you want it. I can't. That's not my wheelhouse. Go on. I will not do something that I don't shine. And unless it's an opportunity to meet and work with people I want to work with. So let me ask you a question. What would you do if you were made or get a big bag? At this point, I need a big bag. Yeah. Well, you want that big house. I want a house. Yeah. So the part as written, super funny. It's a great project. Great town. I love the director. To me and my buddy, great to some unexcited about it. I have a feeling there's an obstacle. Well, it's not. It's a choice. It's a crossroads. The way that character has been written is a way I can play. But you could be better a different way. No, I could be, obviously, I could be easier, funny, another way and give them tons of options. The way that I'm doing it will potentially. And we have to make this is I have not started working closely with the showrunner and director. We just started doing our first chemistry reads. And when the director was given notes, I loved them. But I'm like, we're taking away certain things that will give us certain, when we're bringing it to the network. He's saying he's saying you're not allowed to shoot threes. He's saying you're a great three point to her. Yes. And we don't do threes in this office. And we go like, okay, we are going to win doing this other offense. And I go, I agree with you. Okay. You don't want any threes. Okay. So then I go, okay. So as we're thinking, I go, I can commit to this. Is the move to fully commit to this other thing, even though when it then comes out and it is in those decision-making things and they go, well, where are the threes? It's, you know, this better than me, but I'll tell you what I think is a simple answer. You go into this. If there's no threes, right, that means a layup is just as valuable as a half-court shot, right? Layup is easier to hit and you're running your offense this way. Yeah. If you're feeling hot and you're behind a three point line and you want to shoot, do it. Just don't do it because it's going to give you extra points. I think like I really believe number one is honesty, which only happens if you're present. And if you're present, you know how you're feeling. And it's not a live shoot. You don't close the door to a three-pointer because then that's the opposite of being open to anything. Because if you're going on a date and you know that on this date, you're not supposed to ask questions about her work for whatever reason. And conversation will happen. Bye-bye. She brings up that she's maybe going to be moving or whatever. If you're thinking, I can't ask about her work, now you're not present anymore. You might want to say something like, I don't want to get too involved in to work and please set your boundaries as they are. I am curious, are you able to work from home, like, are you able to work from anywhere? Be open to it. Always let yourself shine, but not at the expense of someone else or of the project. I don't think that quite ends. It became something other than, uh, pretty deep, right? It started off deep. I do think you got lost in the weeds a little bit. Yeah. Three times a week. And but it did start. We were talking about the same thing and then it became more like general acting and advice of like, well, of course, don't sell a decision before you're on set. That's not what it is. You're getting in your own, you just said, try make a decision to commit to never shooting a three. That's a decision. All right. You cannot make that decision. Can I be honest? Denzel says, if you've made choices, then something something that's not great. Hey, Vic. Come get me. He's getting weird again. Sorry. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I asked for advice. Don't close the door. Isn't that what you asked? No. Ask it again. Please. If you know that there is a path that will work, and there's another path that might really work, which one's the mic? Three's or no, three's? The three's isn't the exact right comp. Will you tell me what it is then? Just give me a brief. My character's not supposed to or is supposed to. Okay. So the character I'm playing is a dark shady dude who's weird. Wheelhouse. No. That's your wheelhouse. No, it is. Then you're looking at me, your friend. I do look at him. You know what I say? I'm probably a falacel and a big fat dink. Okay. No. It's like 24th. No. All right. Go ahead. Tell me. The character is a dark shady, weird guy. That socially never allows people to get comfortable, never allows. I want to tell my person that I'm going to be 10 minutes late to give us that time. And I'd rather tell him now. I'll make sure he's okay. I was talking not him. Yeah. That's what it was. Hey, Kama, is it cool if I meet you at 410, question mark? His friend's name, Kama. Hurtiver. No. She almost was president. Kamala Harris is showing you a racist. Kamala racist. Remember when people said it was racist if you said her name a little wrong by accident? I was talking with somebody else. My real estate agent. Who are you talking about? Not all black women are the same. Racist. Kamala isn't black. She's a person. Racist. Who you are culturally is not something to ever run from because somebody else tells you it's not important. Racist. She is black. She is beautiful. She is incredible. Racist. Selling somebody else's culture as a way to make your point is manipulative and is gaslighting. And if she were sitting behind beside you, you know what she would say? I don't speak for black women. And now you're getting it. And now you're thinking like a writer. That's why it's important that we have diversity in our rooms, not just so we can meet a quota so we can have points of view. It looks like the United Nations in here doesn't count. That's why I always have a black family on the counter. Racist. No. To remind me. You just market it? Market it. No. It's intentionally not in frame. It may be nice if you had a black person on the show. So I have every black person on the show. Oh, that's right. We don't have enough time to make that edit. Yeah. Do a percentage of how many whites versus how many blacks? Fine, but repeat appearances don't count. Adam Ray has been on 28 times. I'm not exaggerating. He's been on 28 times. I've had 300. At this point, 360 some episodes. He's been on almost 10% of them or some character of them. Two statistics. One, repeats count. Two, they don't percentage of blacks versus whites. I mean, 10% of the show is white Adam Ray or white something that Adam Ray is playing. And I've asked him to get my numbers up. Will you play a black character? And he's like, I don't want to do it. It's tacky. Oh, you want a white guy to play a black character? How about this? My podcast, where to help, I prefer black people to play themselves. Hey. Just like Stanley Kubrick says. So you were saying something about being a dark character? Maybe they should have a black guy playing that role. Well, they do have a black guy playing the other one. The actual number one I'm call sheet, and that's how I prefer it. Why are you referring to yourself as dark? I was talking about emotions. Not everything is skin color. Exactly. And that's what I'm talking about with Kamala Harris or Kamala Harris if you're not racist. You said it wrong at first. I was making a point. Oh, you got lost in the weeds and you fixed it back. Three times a week. And you fixed it back. All right. We get to it because we have to go to one of here. You're racist. I hate that you're racist. The only racist I am is when I'm running a hundred meter dash and I'm racing. And I'm racing. I hate that. Seven seconds flat in college like your ass. I was joking. I didn't run that fast. So go on. I wasn't joking. His ass is that flat. Coming from the juicy bottom like me. I can say that he's probably got a bigger thing out now. Oh, it's my agent asked me to read for a different role for a show and they want to zoom with me tomorrow. What's the show? Scrubs. Is it real? Yeah. That's the end of the podcast. No, no, no, no, no, saying this casting office is a bunch of scrubs that have to be there. All right. I mean, we can. But I do want to hear this. So the point of it is there's a wheelhouse that it's me and Des Moines Jr. Oh, I know what this project is. Yes. We're mind me. Campbell guy. You're thoughts talk about a black guy that I would love to have in my podcast more than once. He's only been on it once. Oh, I love him. Me too. Me too. Dude, you know what he's got? My eyes are watering. You know, he just got. He's got secret. He's got secret comedy, meaning I at least from what I've seen of him based off of what I'm feeling of why he makes a choice as he makes. I don't think the world knows how funny he is. Not to say that they don't think he's funny. I understand this. Yes, I understand. There's something special about him that like there's no way you're doing the things you're doing. If there isn't like, you know, singers, you know, they could do it, but they don't like, but you're not, you know, that's not the song where you can do that. I don't know if it's because he's making choices to I remember when I played LeBron in high school. The first time I saw him, I heard about how great he was, but we didn't know. I don't know. I just heard about him. He was in 10th grade at the time and he went up to dunk and he was both hands above the rim like this and he dropped it in. And I just remember thinking, Oh, he made a choice to, I don't know, play Humble, whatever it might have been, but like you can't get that high and do that if you can't do something crazy. I remember that's cool. Holy shit. I feel that way about him. Yeah. With some of the choices he makes. Damon, when he came in for the audition for New Girl, it was the first time in my life. I saw different comps as basketball players very cleanly. And I felt like comps as basketball players, like a who you would be if this was the NBA. Oh, got it. Speaking of LeBron, because it was a very clear thing where do you remember the old Chicago Bulls teams? Do you remember getting him? Andreus and no. No. No. So he came from, I think it was Argentina. He had had a full career. He came in his 30s, grinded it his way, wasn't undrafted. And made a real run as like he was kind of a two and a three, played really intense defense, energy guy could hit all the shot, but like found his way in the league for a period. I feel professionally. I'm an Andreus, no, Joni. Okay. I could find my way in. I'm going to grind and figure it out. I'm going to find ways to win as a team when I saw Damon. I was like, this is what happens when they sometimes draft a 17 year old kid who's only played in four games. He is so. So inexperienced. Those silky smoothened scenes where he would just walk into the scene. He had a bunch of sides. He did a thing where his papers got out of order and it was all tens because of the, a bunch of people in a room and he just put them like this. He was like, all right, what's in there? And he was like, I don't even going to say these through them up. They all scattered. It was such a hard laugh. And they were like, so cool, you know, so, but also he did, it was so not planned. Then he was like, all right. Then he was going and he, whoever he was talking to, he was fully connecting with. And he didn't fully, like, the lines were changing where I was like, it's such a good performance. He was like, Oh my God, I was like, Oh, if I was a general manager, I'd be like, I don't care that you won March Madness and you were in the MVP, if I'm building a franchise, you do them. I haven't decided yet. I was never three pick. Oh, wait. - I want to see who you guys pick. I realized I was over-sellent. - Tell me. Tell me the project again. I just forgot what it was. - What are we doing? - Cable guy, right. Okay, so we're talking about, I don't know what it's-- - So Damon and I could go in there and-- - Oh, no, go back to you because we got to end in a second. Go back to what the role is, what's calling for. The no three's is. - Well, that's what I was about to do. - Okay. You said that like Damon wins your year. - Now we're talking about him. - The way he goes, do. - Yeah. - Moist. My dick's not hard. - So they want you to do what? - If the sex worker did that. - What I just did? - And I got a condom on. - This sandwich has been out all day. - Oh, if they did what? - Moist. - Got it. Will you tell me now? Please, I'm genuinely interested. - Damon and I could do, we could get in-- - Who are you in that, by the way? Jim or-- - Well, it's so different than the movie. So I am the cable guy, but we have a whole different spin on. Like there's a whole different kind of game in show. - Or reimagining. - Yeah, it is. It's more closer to how they did Fargo rather than we're remaking it. We're being inspired by and doing a whole different thing. - Put up a picture of Lauren with his Emmy from Fargo. - Put Lauren in this one, give him an Emmy. - That'd be cool. - Yeah. You could take Damon's spot again. - Use busy, use busy. He had another job. - He wasn't the cable guy. He was the network guy. - That's what she said. - So-- - LOL. - Thanks, Shaya. - Yo, I want to do your pot. - I would love that. Could you come in completely as your character from even Stevens? - No, that shit in the past. - All right. - Yo, can I ask you something and LOL if you think it's funny? - Okay. - I got marshmallow balls. - LOL. - Yeah, maybe left. - Was it because it was coming from Shaya? - I didn't think it was coming from Shaya, no. But if I can. - And now pretended to you and me. - Hey Rick, in the car, fun text. Sorry, I never finished that story at the end, but we ran out of time. - Oh, good. - Always fun to see you, man. Good stuff, man, keep it up. - If we could go back in time, I would say, hey, let's stop talking about what we're talking about now and tell the story. So you can tell it. - LOL. - LOL. - LOL. All right, let's go. - You would LOL that? - Man, we're not hearing about my dink and we're also not hearing about this thing, but it is what is-- - Thank you, Phil, from behind you. - I thought I was giving a blanket statement. - LOL. - You much not watched the show much. - I got marshmallows for balls. - LOL. - I'm gonna text you later tonight. Cut to the text I send to him and if he responds LOL right here. - I probably won't, because it won't make me laugh then. I know it's coming. Which is what she said about her body after I took my clothes off. - The prostitute? - No, 'cause she was faking dude, 'cause she wants that paycheck. You're gonna sit on her face with your flat little butt. - That's not how you sit on your woman's face usually. - How do you sit on a woman's face with that flat little ass? - She is laying on her back and you're basically sitting on her tits with your dick in her mouth. If she's eating your ass, it's because I'm either on my back with my legs in the air or I'm not, I'm not on my knees with a girl eating my ass. I'm never sitting on her face with my ass hole. - Wrong. - Not wrong. - She's on her back. - Uh huh. - You're facing the other way. Knees and feet are near her shoulders. - So she's laying where the feet-- - She's laying her head. - Her head's where the pillow is or the feet is. - I don't understand that question. - Because she's laying where the pillow is there's a wall behind her head. - Right, you don't have to put the bed right against the wall. - What am I in the oval office? (laughing) - Who are you Sebastian? If you are, put this dog upstairs. - Okay, all right, I walked into that. Give me some pause. So thanks for coming on man. - I'm not gonna talk to you. - Yeah, that's whatever dude. - I do think that when you're doing stand up, you do whatever is honest to you. And that's why it's an art form. - No joke, the dog farted. - And that's not a joke. - When you're doing a movie, you know better than me. I think you have to do what's asked of you. You're hired for a job. What are you hired to do? Are you hired to shoot threes? Are you hired to make layups? Or are you hired to not shoot threes? I don't know man. - I don't know either. - But you've got a great career and a great body of work. And I wouldn't say the best thing you've ever done is the dink, but I would say I would watch it again. - I think that's nice. - What's the best thing I've ever done? - I can't remember everything I've seen you in. It can't. - What's the worst thing I've ever done? What have you watched for you guys? - I've never seen you in something. I have an analogy to another artist. - Please. - Gavin DeGraw. I heard a couple, this was years ago. I heard a couple of songs. I heard a Gavin DeGraw song I liked. I heard another song I liked. Oh, this is Gavin DeGraw. Cool, I liked that song. Then I heard Cheria and then I found out it was Gavin DeGraw. And three separate times. I'm like, I like Gavin DeGraw. I then made the decision, which I think it's a decision. I really like Gavin DeGraw. That's been proven time and time again with lots of other songs. But I also thought I was influenced 'cause I already liked him. I already, I'm listening, here's a new Gavin DeGraw song. It's his to lose. I'm already in. - I get this. - You might, you would go, "This isn't my favorite song." But I like it. - Yeah, it's Gavin being Gavin, baby. He's a great singer, he's a great, and great pianist. - I like the way he cooks. - Yes. I like the flavors. - I like the flavors of the sandwich, even if it might not be right out of the oven. - I've seen you make choices-- - He might like my dink. - In New Girl, which is where I, I don't know if it's a first saw, you but where I made the decision. I've seen you make choices in New Girl in a different way that I'm saying from Damon, but in a similar way where it's like, it's not just the choice you made. The fact that you were able to make that choice, both as somebody created who made a choice in a scene, and as I've gotten to know you, this has been validated more. The confidence, perhaps, and in a good way, sometimes arrogance, that you would even make that choice. I do not believe that's the way that was scripted. Maybe later on, they opened it that way. And the fact that not only that you made it, but they kept it it on purpose, were just like, "Oh, this guy is not just funny, but there's a, I think as a cheat, confidence is funny. If you don't know how to play something, play a confident, not because you're tricking people, but because you're not." - Rob Lowe agrees with that. - Yeah, he's really confident, but this is a different way. - He always plays confident. Not a bad, but that's his, John Stamos plays that, where they just go, their thing is, I'm gonna be really confident. You can't, I don't view that as a cheat. I'm like, I think that, I don't mean cheating a bad way. I know, neither do I, but I'm also like that device. I, those two guys, I consider that lane. - Yes, if you're taking a math test and you're allowed to use a calculator, then use it. That's what I'm saying. It's not a cheat, it's just, you have a tool. - Yeah. - I've spoken a little more about this. I think one of Lamorans, if not his biggest wheelhouse, is playing confident when we know that he isn't. He doesn't know what he's talking about. - I think Lamorans biggest wheelhouse, and he has done it on my podcast. We're here to help a lot, is available everywhere and hello, whatever, is when he really lets it rip and decides, I don't care if this isn't good for the Lamorans more as brand I'm creating, I'm going to make the person sitting opposite me laugh. And it's probably out of control, and I should hold back, but I know that other person finds it funny and I know how to murder them right now. He does that on, he would do that on New Girl with us. A lot of that stuff got cut out early 'cause it would be really crazy. He did a bit that is not funny, and it's not bad. - It's performance, I get it. - Well, no, he would do it with Hannah Simone, 'cause they were off camera also very close, where he would improvise a lot that CZ was pissing him off in a way that he was going to violently strike her on a network show. - I can make it. - It would make me laugh. - In scenes? - Yes. It would make me laugh in scenes where I would feel like tears were exploding out of my eyes where it would be in a two shot. She's up there and she's like, "Guys, I've told you for the last time, stop doing puzzles." And ours, we're just supposed to look up on the outbreak, and we would do that a couple of times and then you go, "Stop doing puzzles," and here we go. Bitch, I swear to God. We interrupt you when I'm with my boy doing puzzles. I'm going to knock your hip, but the cameras are rolling. And then you and your other director go like, "All right, stop." And he would have a look of like, it was funny and I'd be, it was the funniest. - Totally unusual. - We're saying, that's in plain confident. - Yes, that's true. Yeah, you're right. - Where it's not earned. - Yes, and it's so funny. - Yeah. Dude, what a group. I mean, I know people love New Girl. This isn't a hot take. - And they also love scrubs. - Or like on the audition. - Thanks. - That's your part. - I don't know. They just told me that I audition for something that was a kind of a big role. And they were looking for somebody believe it or not younger, but Bill, the showrunner said, "Just do it anyway. If it's funny, we could rewrite it or whatever." And I did it and-- - I thought you were too old. - I wasn't right for it. I don't know if it was an age thing. - Is the part you got now older? - I don't know who, what the character they just told me. - Will you look at the edge group of it's for you. I think that's interesting. I don't think it's going to be age. I really don't. Can we look? And will you be honest? Yeah, let me make sure that he said, cool to 410, Rick, it's Janet just gave you a ring, but Casting would love to have you read for the role of Dr. Lee that you're much more right for in scrubs. They could zoom with you tomorrow if you have some time, let me know. He's got 29 year old still in school, he got the doctor at 29. The other guy was chief, chief, chief resident. How old was he supposed to be early 30s, late 20s? And they thought you were too old for that? They thought that I would, I looked too old for because I'm not able to shave my mustache because when I shave my mustache, it looks so young and girls aren't interested in young men. Then just get a sex worker and have her trick you, you'll still get hard. You're missing the point, but you're nailing the dink. Now out three months ago based on the way this has been going here and hold this for all. No, I'm going to get it. I'll get to get it in a few weeks. I have lots of people stuff. I got a big schedule of guests with stuff that's coming out. That's cool. But I we've definitely prioritized this. I believe. Yeah. I could tell you exactly when it's going to come out of here because I know the dinks are ready out. The dink is out. The pants when a prostitute comes. You're missing the point, dude. The point is without connection, whether it's sexual or on set, no one's buying it. That's not true. You can buy it with a sex worker. Believing it. Buying it, meaning believing it. With sex worker, you can believe it. I won't believe it. Even if she does think this is the best sex she's ever had and she's so attracted to me and she wants to quit her job and marry me, I would still not believe her. Can I ask you a question going back to Olga? But what I can believe is she feels safe and is having a good time with me. Can I ask you a question about Olga? In real life or in this fantasy? What's the difference? In real life, she's the star and the fantasy she went to UT with some of her slut friends. Oh, the fantasy. Slut friends. I don't mean that. That's it. Yeah. Girls that are just trying to fuck a bunch of celebrities. Is a guy a slut if you're doing the same? Yes. Okay. So every guy and every fraternity is a slut. If they're just trying to fuck slabs, most guys and fraternities are sluts based on my judgements of what fraternities are. Yeah. Sexes. How so? All guys are sluts and fraternities based on your judgements? Most. Yes. And they like they haze people and they throw onions at people's dicks and stuff. Which one? Grilled onions. What do you mean? Which dick? I know which dink. The one in between my pants. We could tighten up this last 45 minutes, but we won't also John Michael. Sorry. I'll pay extra for this episode. Who's that? The editor? Yes. The editor. Not a editor. If you ever looking for somebody for a narrative, I'm telling you something. He is incredible. Let me tell you this. You know, I got a juice. Yes. And I got women's tits. Okay. You're not understanding what I'm saying to you. But anyway, I don't remember what we're talking about. We got to end the two minutes. You said to a recommendation, dude. I was letting him know what's available. No, no. I'm recommending him to you. Not you to him. He'd be interested in editing your narrative. We think you're fantastic. Thanks. Well, I got a juicy ass. No. I got a dink that feels like a sandwich that came out of a deli that's not as hot. But you, you'll like it. You'll like the flavors. But you're not going to go like this like, I've got to go back, but you'll go, I'll go back because I like him and I felt safe there. All right. Thank you so much for coming over. Thank you. But I got women's tits. And with this shirt off, you're going to say that's a workout art. Dink out now. Well, you come over again, when sooner than when the next thing you have to promote, will you get high with me in here? No. Really? Yeah. Can I get high with you? Yes. Yes. But do you hold it together when you're high? Or are you going to get slower and weird? And we're going to have nothing because if I'm not high. Here's what I'll do. I'll take an edible when you get here. I'll kick in in 45 minutes. Fine. And then you could leave at an hour or you'll stay if you like it. I would love to. I'd like to do for the next one, our moms involved. I said that outside. I would love that. We miss you. We miss you. Yeah. Okay. My mom is a real character. She's a lot of fun. I think it would be, you guys would be a really fun match energy wise. Some nails will be our moms with our heads smaller. You know what? I'd like to do this. I would like to do this with that. But to set it up, your mom there, my mom here. And we'll start it and then we'll, you guys just like, we'll start in a minute. We're recording cases. Anything you want to do. And then we're just getting ready and stuff. And we just let them go for as long as, you know, it needs to be before we come in. That's fine. Great. All right. Dink out now. Theme music. Stay there. I gotta pull it right. It's really fun.