Jack Whitehall | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Learn more at Accenture.com/ Spotify. This episode is brought to you by Perfect Beastro Cat Food. Hey guys today I'm interviewing my cat about his perfect beastro food. Percy, you seem to be a big perfect beastro fan. Here to comment? Not totally. What do you like about it? You love the high quality ingredients and the delicious flavors of course? Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Listen to Percy guys. Visit PerfectBeastro.com to try it for your cat. Well folks, if you're gonna spend money on something and it's well-be something you actually like, that's what I always say. That's where the club random merch store comes in. That's right, get yourself a cozy hoodie. Look at this, this is really well designed. That's where I get yourself a cozy hoodie to snuggle away your sorrows or some new club random shirts. Like in all this should I have to attract a partner with similar interests and live happily ever after. I've seen crazier romcoms so head over to clubrandom.com and bring home some random. It's the night he's died and the show goes out at 11. I called the producer of the show. I was like, we need to do something. I asked what the joke was. I want a baby dress this hitler. With a mustache. You put a mustache on a baby. Mustache on a baby. Hey. Hey, how's it going? Are you casing the joint? Yeah, just casing. I'm going to rob it. Yeah, I've got a couple of moat items I'd like to see. It's suspicious in someone's like walk it around just checking what's fitted to a lot of cool stuff. Is there some very cool stuff in here? I know. I was at the beach yesterday. You've vanished. You know, Venice Boulevard is here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like all these crazy. You know, it's like, it's just so we, you ride bikes on it. It's great. And this is all kind of, you know, hippies and people playing guitar on the, you know, selling crystals and, you know, bolts and, yeah, and there's some vintage shops. Now, I got a vintage mask that is going to look great in here. Yeah, 30 bucks. 30 bucks. There's nothing like finding something you could never find. Yeah. Anywhere else. And you love it. And it's just not in department stores. Yeah, yeah. I need a, I need a space like this in my home. I feel like I don't. Where you live in Cape, I live in London. London. But I, you know, I, it was bought as a sort of bachelor pad. And then I got married. And now I live there with my wife and child. I'm sorry. I lose arms. I lose all of my spaces. I gradually see things of mine sort of taken down from the walls and put away and how long have you been married? I've been married, um, um, two months. Two months? Newly wet. Yeah, yeah. Wow. And they said it wouldn't land. Yeah. We're saying, yeah, instead of braiding our two-month anniversary. So you're in the honeymoon phase. I'm in the honeymoon phase. Oh, that's awesome. So she loves that I've come over here to the United States without her to loosely do some press for a show, but actually just go to World Cup soccer matches. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. Of course you're into soccer. I took a gamble. I did a show on Fox and knew that they were hosting the, the World Cup. And I could get access to all of these games. And then I just needed England to get through to the knockout stages. So yeah, I don't get sports where, I mean, there's more scoring at a Star Trek convention. BC, I, yeah, I mean, I watch it and I feel like it's compared to a lot of American sports is really frenetic and high-obtainable. I mean, baseball have not a lot of scoring in it. Yeah, yeah, no. But I guess that we're just what you grow up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, but you boy, you guys are serious about it. So serious. I watched the American game where you guys got knocked out of the of the World Cup. And it was a really weird experience being around American soccer fans, knowing if it was in England and it was England being knocked out of the World Cup, people would be suicidal, there'd be tears, there'd be anger. And there was just a sort of resignation in this bar and everyone was really quite like gracious about it. There were shaking hands with a Belgium guy that was in them wishing him the best for the rest of the tournament. I'm like, if that was in England, people would be chucking furniture through the window. Yeah, but you guys get violent. So violent. You know, a lot of people in this country, we just had our big 250. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you're not upset about this. There's a little hard for us. But easier, easier than it was. Really, after 250 years, you're still pissed about me. Still pissed about me. We'll take you back. You know what? 20 years ago, I might have said, we'll go. I don't know, bro, I don't know. Your play seems kind of crazy. It really does. It seems like where we're going, not in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. You know, but the job missed it like the, the one, the, the, the, the, calling out the FIFA boss and the red cars, and they hit around that. Okay. I'm so glad you brought this up. Please, I know soccer, the way, oh, a woman who's not interested in baseball, no, baseball, not at all. So I saw this in the headline. And I mean, headline. Yeah, yeah. Big story. I just didn't even start this. I don't know what red cards are. Yeah. I don't know what FIFA is. Yeah. Do me a solid. Okay. And tell me this whole story from beginning to end and, and treat me like I'm a dumb idiot. It was amazing because it was, it was this situation where your play gets sent off in the game. It gets the red card, which means I don't know what that means. So he gets banned for the next game. So he's your best for what? He, he commits a foul and he gets eliminated from the game. But it was one foul for one foul. So in basketball, you get sick. Yeah. And, and, and this, this foul was kind of, it was dubious. It was on a slow motion replay. It looked kind of bad. But what? Which guy is this one? What team? He, for the, for the US. He's on the US team. Okay. And he scored a couple of goals. He's your best performing player. So he scores a goal in the game. And then he gets sent off. And it means he's going to miss the next crucial knockout game. So for one foul? For one foul. Yeah. For one foul, you get a, you get a one game suspension for foul play. It was kind of unfair. And I think a lot of people watched it and they felt kind of sorry for this guy. He'd, you know, perform great in the tournament. And then he's going to miss this crucial game. And he gets the red card. And there's also a process whereby you can appeal a red card and you can appeal a decision like this. And it's quite rare. But on occasion, the red card will be taken away. So there's definitely a, a world in which had Trump just called on FIFA and said, can we maybe, you know, have this red card removed and have this guy able to plan the next game? FIFA's the league. FIFA's the, you have the governing body. What does it stand for? The federation of international football association. Okay. Sorry. You call it football. I could have said anything and you would have gone. No, but that's right. Yeah. I get it. Football. Yeah. Football. And so there's a world in which it could have been accelerated. You know, people could have looked at that and gone, oh, yeah, that's legit. I mean, it's a little, it's a little suspicious and a little kind of unusual that it's, it's happened that speedily. And it's happened, you know, for the US, whilst the tournament is in the US. But okay, his red card has been taken away and he gets to play in the crucial knockout game. They definitely could have got away with it. And it all would have just been like, you know, internet speculation. You had to take credit for it. He couldn't help himself. He can't. That speech is amazing. And I watched it and I was like, just thinking about the head of FIFA, Gianni and Fantino. He's clearly had the call from Togglea. I'll do you a solid him watching that. Just like heading his hands. Don't tell them just like everybody in the Trump administration. This is no different than the Wii's handled the Iran War. Yeah. Like so many times they were having negotiations and both times wanted to end this war. And if he had just shut up, they were, and then he had to go, they surrendered like dogs. They surrendered like dogs. They're begging you for a deal. And they're like, oh, for fuck's sake, could you just shut up for five minutes. We'll get the signature on the paper. No, it's like a dog. It's so good. And he starts the press conference. We're going, I know nothing about soccer football. We call it football. We call it, I know nothing about it. But I know that wasn't a foul. It was never Never a foul is suddenly getting into the technicalities. - To a really terrible Trump invention. - That's terrible. - Almost anybody in America can do a bad Trump. You English, you can't even do a bad Trump. - Can't even do a bad Trump. - Just 'cause you're doing English. You're just doesn't come out. - You do James Mason. - I guess. - You know, when I do my James Mason, the improv, fucking nothing. - The kids go wild. - It's like Michael Jackson in 1985, before the unpleasantness. - Yeah, just like when he dangled the baby off the balcony. Like that, I feel like that should have been a bit of a red car in that way you would go red. - Oh, it's gone. It's certainly a yellow, at least. - We grow these here, right over there. - The woods. - Well, that's my store, yes, but this is the woods. - Oh, you have, yeah, 'cause I'm friends with Woody. - Oh, that's right. - I'm buddies with Woody. I randomly became friends with Woody 'cause I met him at Glaston Reef Festival. - Okay. - And then we bonded. And then when I was here, he's like, you gotta take your dad to the woods. - He's a bonder. - I took my 85-year-old father to the woods. - Boy does he bond with guys. - He's a wonderful bonder. - He just, I always kid him about it, but it's like, there's always no bromance in his life. - Yeah. - He thinks I'm jealous, but I'm not jealous. It's just like, it's amazing the way. He's just a great guy. So like, whoever works with it. I've been to parties with him. I must have been his kind of part. He was throwing it because like, do you look around the room and it's like, oh yeah, you did that move it together. Oh yeah, Farrell, you did that move it together. - Oh, some a hike, you did that move. - Like everybody who's ever worked with him wants to be his pal, I don't blame him, I do too. And I never worked with him. Except on a pot store, which loses money. (laughing) - No, we're gonna try to fix it, but it's almost impossible to make a business work in California like that. I mean, just the state takes like 40% taxes. And fuck, you know, when I bought drugs from a geese dealer, he didn't skip 40%. I was a dealer. I did skim a little. Like I would buy a pound, which is 16 ounces and make 17 ounces out of it. Okay, that's not 40% but the government is worse than the dealer. You're forced to diversify into a gardening business and a tea room and, you know. At least, I know this is pure. - This is pure. - You know, I know it's no chemicals, you know. Nothing like that, just the suck from the fires that fall down on everything here. Would you have a live here? Could you see being one of the, 'cause we've certainly had a lot of British expats, you know, come over here and love the Southern California lifestyle. - Yeah, I love the Southern California lifestyle for like a little bit with an idea. I kind of pine for home, if I'm here for a. - Yeah, I've heard of it in three months. - We all are, right. - Yeah, but I mean, many, you know, James Mason, I went to the same school as James Mason, not at the same time, but he. - No. (laughing) - I, yeah. - I don't think the kids remember. - No, no, no, no. - But he was so wonderfully English and. - The way he talked like this is. - Remember? - Yes. - Oh my good boy. - Very clipped. (laughing) - Yeah. - Oh, he was one of the people that my school, my school would always talk about James Mason. And having gone there. And, you know, I hoped I'd grow out one day and I would be, you know, a revered former alumni. - Well, you were an actor, too, right? - Yeah, I'm an actor too, but I feel like. - You got a show. - On the school's dirty secret. 'Cause this school that I went to, you had a lot of illustrious people that attended their light, James Mason. And then it also had, um. - What does perhaps go? - This public school in England. - Oh, public school? - Yeah, yeah. Well, no, no, not public like public school here, like private school here. Boarding school. - From the opposite of public school. - In the opposite of public school. - I can tell by your answer, you're going to public school. - You're going to public school. - You know, you'd be talking like scouts. - Yeah, scouts. - You'd like Mick Jagger. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like. - Yeah. But they had, they, um. Kate Middleton went there as well. So she, they love talking about her. And that's in order that whenever they write about it in the newspapers, it's Kate Middleton. James Mason. And then I'm the dirty secret. 'Cause I think I'm like a low rent comedian. And say, they maybe don't want to. - But you're so successful now. - Well, I mean, I think you're doing, you know, you're like the Beatles in '63, you're breaking, you're trying to break the American market, right? - Yeah, yeah. - We got to get you on end Sullivan. - Yeah. - Okay. - Then we'll take you down to Miami to beat Muhammad Ali. It's gonna be a great photo op. And I'm telling you, you're. - I'm gonna break it. Jack Mani will be sweeping the country and I'm gonna talk to your manager, Brian Epstein. - Are you a Beatles fan? - I like the Beatles, yeah. - I've got Martin Lewis here next week. He's like the world's foremost authority on the Beatles. So I can't wait to talk to somebody else. More about it than I do. - We're about to do it. - It's amazing how they endure. - Yeah. - It's like, there's always something new with the Beatles. - Yeah, yeah. - It always sells like crazy, and full movies on the way. - That's what I mean, there's always something new. Something, you know, they get, you know, Paul and Ringo are always doing something and you know, it's by, I mean, it's 70 years since John and Paul met. It's this month, that's why we're doing it with Martin Lewis next week. Because they met in July of 1956. That's 70 years ago. 'Cause that really was the birth of the Beatles. - Yeah, yeah. I mean, 70? That's exactly how old I am. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I saw them in that last time I was in LA, I saw Ringo and Paul having dinner together in a restaurant at the table next to me. - Did you say anything? - No, no, I found my thoughts in there. - No, I didn't. They look like so deep in conversation. - And what it does to me. - You're English. - You get the pass. I also share a boat there with Ringo Star. But I felt I didn't know whether I could go over and interrupt his conversation with Paul McCartney. He said, "I thought we were pulling them." - What do you think they were talking about? - Yeah, yeah, I mean, they look, I mean, old friends catching up. It was good. - I was listening to "Get Back", it came on the radio yesterday. And I remember seeing in the movie, they show him writing it, you know. He's sitting there in the morning waiting for John who was always late. And he's on his base. And he's just writing it like he's playing the bass like a guitar he sometimes did. And he's writing, you could see like the beginning of the song. It's quite interesting if you're a Beatles fan, if you're not, it's nothing. And the lyrics completely changed to just a bunch of gobbled to go. I mean, I love the Beatles. But sometimes they were just like, "This is a great song. I'm sorry, lyrics, whatever." It's just, "Hello, goodbye. Goodbye, hello." (laughing) Come on people, you want everything? It's a great song. It's just, it's not, and that's one of them, you know. Jojo was a man, a thought he was a loner, you know, but he, whatever. That's not how it started. It seemed to be about immigration. Really? Get back, get back to where you once belonged. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was an issue in the '60s, too. And it's not clear whether he was like, actually saying that, which could be, or like sort of making fun of people who were saying that. But it was the beginning of something that, look, I don't know how much you want to get into politics, but I would love to pick your brain about what's going on in England, 'cause I read about it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it looks like a bit of what we see here in America, but even more pronounced, you know, immigration issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Islamisization issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) And yeah, I mean, it's about seven, seven prime ministers in 10 years. And-- Right. We've got a new one on the way. And then this, like, I think everyone's just sort of, I guess, like, bracing themselves for Nigel Farage to be, you know, prime minister, he's the conservative one. He's the conservative guy here. He's just stood down to run in another election to get his seat back. But yeah, he's the kind of, he's the, you know, leader of reform. And I think all of the other parties are sort of scrubbing around to try and work out the best way to fight the future election itself. What I read in the free press, which I feel like is down the middle place, which is very rare in this country, either it's, like, all the way laughter, all the way right. But I trust them in their reporting. And it sounds like England just got way too woke on a bunch of crazy shit. I think the last thing I read was, like, they passed a milestone where the amount of money they're giving out in welfare is for the first time more than what they take in in taxes. Like every third eligible to work man is not working. Yeah. They're like on disability and some people really are, of course, but, like, not that many. And we have the same kind of issue here. Like, a lot of young, they always talking here, but young men are in crisis. You know, you see it because they go out and they shoot people, you know, and that, you know, gets a conversation going, yeah, why did this guy? And it's always kind of the same thing. They feel like they can't get laid. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of people who can't get laid. Islamic terrorists. Yeah. You know, show me the one who was like, God, this guy never stops. having sex. The next thing we knew, we blew up the building, we never read about that kind. He was like, "There's no theory. All day long." When he wasn't a woman, he was really disturbing shit on the internet. And he's weird. He's weird and found himself trying to do this because some of his shot was just a real turtle. Yeah, I mean, it's never that. Never just sex, sex, sex, and then bar. The biggest change AI has made for me isn't that it saves time. Everybody says that. The real change is that our team at Club Random works differently now. Claude is the AI from minds that don't stop it good enough. Whether you're debugging code at midnight or strategizing your next business move, Claude extends your thinking to tackle the problems that matter. Once you connect Claude to your workspace, you give it context to help with practically everything you need, connect it to your documents, calendar, email, and other tools. And suddenly, you're not explaining the same project over and over again. It's like having one place where all the pieces finally come together. And co-work takes it even further. You can send tasks from your phone, have Claude work on your desktop, and come back to completed reports, spreadsheets, and presentations. Not rough ideas, actual finished work. Claude.ai/ClaudeRandom This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales. Using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com/Spotify. And it's the same thing with the people here who like, they just, they partly forgot how to get laid because of the phone. Yeah. I don't know how old were you when like the smartphone came along. Were you? Yeah. Did you have a period of your life? No, I remember just before. Yeah, I'm 38 so I sort of remember pre. So you had a life where you didn't. Yeah. Where you had to talk to a girl. Well, I had to talk to a girl. Yeah. Proper. Old school. Courtship. Am I not so public school? Writing letters. A history. Yeah. And how'd it go? How were you? Not great. I think I benefited. Really? Yeah, I benefited from the internet. No, no. I think I would have. How's it lately? If I could have texted. Yeah. I just was so much better at that. So I was super shy. Yeah. I couldn't walk up to a girl. Yeah. I mean, like into my, not totally into my early 20s, but like I certainly could have had a better time at college. Not that there were a lot of eligible women, but if I knew then what I knew now, could I have gotten them in like 10 minutes? Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's all about talking. I mean, girls. Yeah. I mean, obviously there are some things that are a deal-breakers for girls, you know, of quasi-modal, company. Yeah. Yeah. Again, blame a woman. Like, you know, it's not the hunchback. It really isn't. It really isn't. You know, but whatever it is. But like, you know, it's, um, that's what we can be standing at comedian there because that's, that's a way of talking to girls, but you could prepare it all. And there was other people and an audience and like they're actually going up and talking one-on-one, terrifying. But if they're all in darkness and I've had weeks to think about it and really hone it. And yeah, that kind of conversation. Great. One way with a paying audience. Right. And strategy darkness. It's also, I've found amazing in that same vein the way I can say things to millions of people on camera. I'm doing my show like about my staff or something that I just don't say it in private, you know, I don't like call a meeting at the office and say, you know, you're all brilliant at it. Yes. But I can say it like, and my brilliant staff who is incredible. And it's like, somehow that's easier. Why, yeah, why is that? I find, yeah, I am real life. Like, can get so tongue-tied when yeah, trying to express emotions. I mean, or sentimentality or things like that. Yeah. I also never cry. Yeah. In, in real life. In real life. I mean, and they've tried to make me sometimes on my show. You know, I got in trouble and I think they'd love to do that in America, cancel culture and all that. No, never got me down. Yeah. But like in a movie, I mean, I just cried over me to date with Ted Hamilton. I mean, like any, any movie, even the silliest rom-com that like puts the elements together in such a way that in the last real, the girl is saying that to the guy and the I could, you can get me. I know. But in real life, you can't get me. So I had a such a fear that I would not cry at the birth of my daughter. And the thing that made me most scared is again, how readily I will cry at stuff that feels so inappropriate to cry at. And so like, I can watch, you know, like daytime television. I can watch a quiz shows. I've cried at Deal On No Deal in the UK. I remember watching this episode. Deal on No Deal. Deal on No Deal. Because of Meghan Markle. Wasn't she on? She was on it. And it made you cry. It wasn't the Meghan Markle episode. But I just remember that being some episode where someone was trying to win a holiday and they hadn't been away with their daughter for so long. And I'm fucking gushing. And I like, the emotions are clearly so close to the surface. And then I'm like, real life moments where I should be, you know, the tears should be flowing. And then I'm suddenly a husk. And that confuses me. Show me a video of a marine coming home and surprising his daughter in the classroom. Yes. And I'm gone. I'm gone. It's just gone. But then again, if I even like marines. Yeah. And I was reunited with my child. I don't think I would cry. But watching someone, watching it, experiencing something with someone else. Yeah, I think you might cry. Maybe. I think that I think I would be crying. Yeah, I think I'd be crying when they say that maybe, yeah, that maybe one fuck. But I think there would be a lot of tears in the field. No, I mean, I don't mean to say I don't like kids. But, you know, they do have their drawbacks. They make it harder to cheat. No, I can't. I can't. That's not what I meant to say at all. And let's be the pot. I don't know. I blame it on the pot. It's, you know, it's like true serum. Yeah. Would he warn me? He said, he said when he did this, he, he potterk in the pot. He what? He said he potterk in the pot. Oh, there was the tree syrup. We didn't say there was 45 minutes. We did, yeah, terrible material. Totally. Here. And then we did one out the woods recently. Yeah. Oh, we just, we are ridiculous. Yeah. You know, but I tell you, if you said to me, when I was your age, you know, at 70, you'll be laughing your ass off, having a great time, getting high, I'd just be like, okay, I'll take that. Amazing. I'd never thought. I mean, my father certainly didn't have fun times like that when he was seven, you know. So, you know, I'm one reason I avoided marriage in kids, you know, like I like this kind of. I just like it. I don't know why I have to graduate. No, I'm not saying it's bad or obviously it's such a super impulse in so many people, especially to have kids. I know guys are terrible husbands, but great fathers. Yeah, yeah. That they take seriously. Yeah, yeah. They always take that seriously. The ones I know. Yeah. But there'd be real dogs, you know, sometimes. But the kid, no, you're like, I love being a dad. They say that. I get it. That's a very big impulse that I do not have. Yeah. But I get it. And certainly everybody can't be lying about it because it would be a massive conspiracy to try to convince me that every single person I ever talked to about it says, you know, it's a love you can't imagine. Yeah. You know, it changed my life. It's my whole perspective is different. Yeah. You know, it's like it's like doing heroin. You know, I never did it. So I can't tell, but I get it that it's great. You know, and if I had to choose, I'd take the heroin. But that's just me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And I bet you you say the same thing about, yeah, having a kid. What's your reaction, Jack? To having a kid. It's great. I'm better than heroin. Wait, no, it changed my life. Come on, you're not going to gush like that? I'm not going to gush to you. Really? No, I don't want to, you know, wow, you know, she's, it's amazing. It's great. But smoking weed and having a laugh in the woods with Whitty Harrison in your seventies does also sound pretty great. So I know you laid, you made your bed. But so I'm not here to. This Mark Twain award, I was just eventually. Thank you. And Woody was one of the speakers, you know. So I was looking forward to the whole thing except for one part of it, which was the show is on a Sunday night. Yeah. And they kind of milk it. It's the Kennedy Center, and there's this the night before dinner. And I was like, okay, that's kind of anti-climactic, isn't it? Why are we doing this? And then this and with speakers and stuff. I'm like, we're doing this the next night. Can we just have the main event and save all our muster for that? No, you have to okay. So I was like, all right. And then what he was there and we went outside. And then I just had the best time. I was heckling the speaker. You know, this Kennedy Center, they're closing it. It was the last show for two years because of going under renovation. Right. But as I as we all walk through it, it's pristine. It's perfect. I think it's a scam. I don't think it needs any renovation. It looks fantastic to me. And the guy from Wells Fargo, who were there sponsoring it and turned out Woody and I both have our money with Wells Fargo. And he was up there and talking about, you know, Wells Fargo was sponsoring the renovation. You know, and I was high and yelled out, not the guy who did the pool. So it just turned out to be such a fun night. How was it here? Will those people speaking about you? How do you feel in there? Well, that was the next night. Well, it was that night too. Maureen Dowden, Jake Tapper and a few other people spoke. But it was awesome. It was awesome. Who would not like that? I mean, you can't be counterintuitive in life. I mean, you can a little bit. But, you know, I'm all for being intuitive. I believe the counterpart out. Good things are good. Bad things are bad. Lots of great people who went out of their way. Everyone I asked came everybody except Jerry Seinfeld who was on the road. He couldn't. He made a beautiful video for me. Everybody else, Louis C.K. Jay Leno, Whitney Cummings, Woody, Arianna Huffington, Steven A. Smith, John Mellon Camp, signed the song at the end. Well, everybody said, yes, immediately. That's what meant the most to me that all these people would do that for me. So, yeah, good things are good. That's my opinion. I don't care who knows it. You exist on a strange plane there where it feels like you're like post-cancellation without having ever been cancelled as well. I feel like you're uncancellable. Always on the cusp. That's a great place to exist, right? Well, it's interesting. You're walking across two buildings on a highway. It's a great place to exist. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. If you're 70 and you've been on TV for 33 years, if it ended tomorrow, look, I still won. It could, because when people say, you're beyond cancel, please. It's not hard to get cancelled still. That's true. That really isn't. The truth is, I never really did anything that should have gotten me cancelled. Lots of people really have been wonderful in standing by me because they know me and who are they know the work. You have to do was always be clawing back against the emo youth of Wokeville who lived to feel morally superior to everybody, especially older people. Have you ever gotten in trouble for saying something that really people were attacking you for? Yeah, I had it once, relatively early on in my career, and I remember being in the eye of the storm and feeling like it was the worst thing that was ever going to happen. I thought it was like the end of my career and I was on the front page of the newspapers and they were trying to whip up a real frenzy. It was such a stupid joke as well. It was a joke on a TV show about the late Queen. It was an obsession. Oh, John. No, I can't. Yeah. I remember it. When the Queen had a sort of jubilee pageant, whether they did the boat stand. Jubilee. When she's in office 50 years? Yeah, and they did a thing where they had these pageants down the Thames. She was an old lady at the time and there was a whole thing about how she'd stood for the whole of this pageant and saying she's an old lady and she shouldn't be standing all the time and she should have sat down. And then you said that? No, no, well, this is an actually I didn't even make the joke. I just took some elements and presented them and it was a sort of build your own joke. A couple of days later, Prince Philip went to hospital with a urinary infection. And I said it was her anniversary. He ended up with a urinary infection and she didn't want to sit down. They celebrated in the way that a lot of couples celebrated anniversary. And yeah, and then it went out on TV. I mean, it got a bit of a groan from the audience. But then it became like the scandal that I'd made a joke about. I'm monarch. I join you. That's that's so ridiculous because at least when I got in trouble for things I've said, like, you know, the terrorists were in cowards after 9/11. Yeah, yeah. It's because it was something important. It was an important thing, whether you agree or don't agree, your shit was just like, I mean, the way they like lose their shit about the queen, like who gives a fuck? It's fucking crazy. It is crazy. And you know, when it's even everybody in British, I've had like two people like Pierce Morgan, who, you know, can be off the reservation and I think say some dumb things. But he's generally a guy who you can have a conversation with. I like Pierce. He said some stupid things about me. But okay, people do bad days and whatever. He's on his period. He said absolutely. But like Sharon Osborne, who I like a lot, like rational people, you started on the queen and suddenly it's like not funny anymore. I'm like, are you fucking with me? No, they're not fucking with me. They really don't like it. You know, you don't color an old bag. That's just not. And it's like, you're okay. All right. Yeah, I see. And I, you know, that's just, you know, they should be of everyone like the most fair game. I feel like you could not be more punching up. Right. But I think there's, again, it's like there's definitely sort of like Middlingland hysteria. And that was in the Daily Mail and there was a couple of like off-com complaints. And they'd had a whole thing a couple of years before with Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross when they'd said they'd done a prank call that had gone wrong. And it had been on the BBC. So there's like the BBC as well. That's another thing that like the minute they're involved, it becomes like a much more of a story and it can get whipped up into a frenzy. And I remember it being something that was just like such a storm in a teacup. But then it became like, you know, it fed the beast. It was like part of the new cycle. It was column inches. It was, you know, online discourse. And then it goes away as if it never existed. It was, it's like COVID. Yeah. Like, like, yeah, it's the worst thing ever, worst thing ever, worst thing ever. And then suddenly like, what? No. Just go back to like, to go back. Yeah. 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So like, okay, but we're going to pretend that that like told to your insanity, you know, I mean, obviously some measures should have been taken, but they went crazy. But yeah, I've had the exact same experience. It's like crazy. We have to, I get everybody in vote, get everybody in vote, we're crazy. And then, you know, Britney Spears gets a new boyfriend and it's like, well, you can now run to that. That's my policy set on the phone. I remember him saying, you just need to pray that someone dies this way. They will. And something always happens. And then they, the fucking sheep are suddenly driven to a new pasture. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, exactly. You can drive the sheep to a new pasture. Yeah. It's easy. They're sheep. Jag. They're sheep. They're sheep. And it's fucking sheep. Is this a, yeah, like a sort of a villain of the internet as well for 24 hours, 48 hours in an hour into the next. It's like, who can we put in the stocks first? the other one I nearly had that was a near miss and I remember it. I had a late night show only for a couple of seasons in the UK. I remember at the behest of the guy, one of the producers from the network, he was obsessed with us doing this fucking lame. He wanted like really just root one, like shock comedy and he was like, I remember the notes that he used to give, like he genuinely, at one point, he was like, "I want a baby dressed as Hitler." We're like, "What?" He was like, "I just think that's funny, a baby dressed as Hitler." And we did, because no one could fucking stand out to this guy. With a mustache. Mustache on a baby. I can't a baby. I'm not going to lie, I kind of love it. That is, I've never, and we always ask why, like why is that a baby dressed as a baby? I think somebody would have done it. Did you put a hat on, I mean, a, you did. You had the little hat on a uniform. I'm the uniform. With the iron cross. Yeah, yeah. Wow, baby Hitler. The problem is once you hit a bastard, the, but once you said yes to baby Hitler, really emboldened this guy, because then there was more ideas. So once you've accepted that baby Hitler's fine, but then you just get a dudge of these fucking terrible ideas. And then it led to a thing where there was a sketch. We're not a sketch. It was like, in the, like, cut from the monologue to a sketch about Michael Jackson. And it was, again, I think that I can't even remember what the sketch was, but it was a sort of Michael Jackson pedophile sketch. That again, it wasn't even in the news cycle at the time, but he was like, "I just want to Michael Jackson pedophile, visual gag at the end of this monologue." So we did the Michael Jackson pedophile joke. And I'm watching it go out and feeling like, you know, I have no spine and I'm just like a puppet for this idiotic man doing his stupid ideas. Well, watch him get waiting for it to go out. And on the news, they announced that Michael Jackson has died. Oh, and it's the night that he's died. And the show goes out at 11. And I'm like, fuck, this is, this is, I called the producer of the show. I was like, we need to do something about the joke. I can't even remember what the joke, but it was a guy, it was like a visual, it was a guy dressed up as Michael Jackson. Again, I think with a, there was a lot of babies, but it was like a prop baby. And it was like a load of jokes about him being a predator. But then it was the night that he died. So then we had to call up the guy from the network. And the guy from the network had to literally ring in and get someone to try and pull the show. And I was watching minute by minute, like praying that he'd get through in time. But it was like 11 o'clock at night. And he literally had to call up someone from the channel for switchboard and said, it's so and so. And the head of the network, you need to pull this show because the whole whole thing on every news network was about how Michael Jackson had died. And people like the kind of lit visuals and tear it is. And then we've got this really like fucking horrendous. So they pulled the whole show. I was watching it. They literally had the opening credits. And then suddenly it went to black. And it was just a screen say, unfortunately, there's been a technical difficulty. And it was just like a holding card. And then they put something else on. And within like minutes, he'd managed to get it pulled. And I remember watching that with my heart pounding, I'm going to be just. Well, of course, pilloried. In retrospect, it doesn't look like you were wrong. You know, but I'm not wrong. I mean, there was so many. I resisted doing Michael Jackson fucks little boy jokes for a long time when I did not know. It was true. Yeah. Then after they did the special, they did a, I mean, even Oprah came out after, did a special after the special and HBO documentary. Two kids came forward with a testimony that was just so obviously true. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, it wasn't like I was surprised. But, but I was jealous because there was always so many great Michael Jackson jokes like, why does Michael Jackson shop at Kmart? Why? Because boys pants are half off. Ladies and gentlemen. And I was not availing myself to this at the time. Yeah. That's what kind of integrity I have Jack. You have integrity. Um, I was. But that's, isn't it great? And then a great line. That's a great boy's pants are half off. You got to love jokes. But I feel like, yeah, and you go to the comedy clubs when something like that happens as well. And you see some, some comedians that will be out there on stage and they'll be telling jokes hours after the beloved figure entertainer has passed away. They, they say the sick jokes originate in prison. I don't know if that's a canard or what, but because always there's like a sick joke very quickly. My friend, do you remember the comedian Gilbert Godfrey? Oh, yeah, hilarious, hilarious. Yeah. Well, he was the Aflac duck. Yeah. You know, which is an insurance company with a duck logo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why insurance companies are the lizard. That's what they do. I don't know why this makes people buy insurance. You know, Hey, look, you're an agent is a salamander. Okay. Well, that's what I want when my house burnt out. Okay. But this is what they do. And he was the Aflac duck and lost it because the tsunami. Do you remember the tsunami? And he was up on stage. No, he didn't tweeted it out. Tweeted it. Okay. It was like 2004. Oh, and he did like the jokes about the tsunami, which killed a lot of people. Yeah, yeah. You know, what school do you go to? I don't know. It's floating by whatever, you know, all these just, and that was just Gilbert. Yeah. And I mean, his, his sort of like child like Nyabate, which was the, I think the engine behind the genius of the comedy. Yeah. The flip side of that was this that he didn't think. Yeah. There was going to be blowback to the night of the tsunami. Not just one. No, but you know, it's like 50. It's not showing all of his works. I wish I had them in front of me. Oh, man. I'm sure you can call them up on your phone. But yeah, I feel thankful there that I like because I did a sift of all of my Twitter. I went through and deleted a load of stuff and made sure that there was nothing out like in the ether that was potentially ruined. It does not live somewhere live somewhere. The cloud is forever. But I, I think I started stand up in it. I definitely started stand up in an era before sort of camera phones and Twitter. But when I first started as well, I think a lot of my inspirations were comedians that will, you know, will match Corsair and like I tried shot comedy and you do. And I had much less of a filter. And I think to some of my early gigs as well when I was a less skilled comedian and I would just want to say something to try and get a little reaction to shot people in the room. And I feel so fucking thankful that that, you know, it wasn't in an era where then I like filming every gig or people have got their camera phones out because I said some stuff on stage in my early 20s, though. I think you should go back to that. I do. I know I'm going to. I would like to say that because you're a funny, engaging guy. I didn't get away with it. You know, and, and, I mean, that's my kind of comment. You know, I mean, WC Fields, I think it was him. Maybe that's apocryphal, but attributed to him once said there's a between a comedian and a civilian is to make a civilian laugh. All you have to do is dress up like an old lady and walk down the street and fall down a manhole cover in a manhole to be like a comedian laugh. It has to really be an old lady. So that's when I strived. Yeah. Yeah. Pushing an old lady down. Not to rub everybody, but, but you have a family. You can't, you have to think, see, I don't have to worry about like, you know, oh my gosh, how am I going to feed my kids if I fuck up on stage, you know? But you do this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're, but I do think there's something to that as well. Like, there comes a slight, you can hold on to the fact that the thing that you've said that will probably bring you down is, is already out there. That certainly allows you to feel slightly. I mean, I feel like cancel culture is right now like COVID. The worst of it is over. Yes. But it will always be with us. Yeah. You can always get it. Yeah. Yeah. But I think we've passed peak to peak. But I saw the other day in the paper, it could have been in the Daily Mail. You read the Daily Mail and I, yeah, I, that's your, I mean, I wouldn't say that's my, my, my country, my, my mother's paper. No, but it's English. Yeah. It's English. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People love it here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The mail-in line is what? The Daily Mail-in line is the, my wife is on that website. Really? 10 hours a day. 10 hours a day. Oh, oh my God. Well, anyway, I think it was there that I read that love Island. Yes. You say it. Easy. How are you? How are you so excited about me? - Yes, yes, yes. - Yes, yes, yes. (laughing) Easy. Just had two people kicked off it. - Correct, because. - Historic tweets? - No, no, what are they doing? - Singing along. - Yes. - Singing along with a rap song. I don't think we need to go into detail. - No, but vice-estates. But singing along, you know, how about just a warning? - Yeah. - You know, just. So. I don't know. - What do you think? - Another guy lost his job. - Already you, Jack. - Another guy lost his job, a TV chef, for singing along. - I remember when it's Porto got in trouble for singing a song about the capital of France. - Yeah. - I'll leave it that way. - Yes. - Yes. - Yes. (laughing) - I think I know which one I might have been. - That sounds like it. - The subject is. - Yeah, you know. - We can't even say the capital of France. - It's not even French. Let's just say a country in central Europe. - Yes. - Between Germany and Spain, but you can't be happening. It could be Belgium. - And then it definitely has to be. - Come on, man. - Morning system. - Just stopping in it just for the catching someone. That's what I, just stop pretending that you're actually making the world better. Because you made a contestant on love fuck show. Whatever that show is. - Love fuck show. - The love fuck show. - I mean, that's a spin. - My show was always Temptation Island. You ever see that? - Oh yeah. I think that may be similar to Love Island. - Yeah. - That was on way at the beginning of the century and then they rebooted it. It was my guilty pleasure for a while. But it didn't watch the last season. I thought the people weren't cute. And it's like, if you're not gonna have cute people, please, I'm not watching this for the contest. - I watch Love Island by proxy 'cause my wife is a fan of it. But I feel like I like it for a little bit when they're all betraying each other and cheating and you're seeing them emotionally dissolve. And I feel like I quite like the shard and Freud of that and watching people that are miserable. Like young, hot, happy people being put through the ringer, I think is good. But then as soon as they become happy and in love and coupled up and seeing which young, hot, happy couple is the happiest, there's no rub. But don't, doesn't it usually go to shit after that? - Wow. - Do they actually ever get married? - I think they do. - They do? - I think so. - From Love Island. - From Love Island, they get married. And the show ends at their happiest and all coupled up and in love and it's a happy ending. And I think they need to do one with married couples where it starts with them all married and then it's like a summer of them just falling apart. - Now the show they should do, I've mentioned this before, I'm hoping someone in the ether will hear it and make it happen is we have a show here called The Golden Bachelor. - Okay. - You ever heard of it? - I thought of The Bachelor, I haven't heard of it. - Oh, it was huge, like, and that's a guy who's like 70. - Yeah. - I think he was 72. Well, wait, of course, because this is America and things have to be appropriate. It was a bunch of ladies, it was the same plot. He's The Bachelor, but they were all age appropriate. - Right, yeah, yeah. That's not interesting. - No. - Me, as The Golden Bachelor, with the age that I find appropriate. That's a show, that's a show. And a lot of fun, I would promise to be completely chased, no kissing, no sex, none of that that they do. I just want to talk to people and I just think it would be really fun and funny and instructive and also a blow against ages and because, you know, love is where you find it. I mean, you know, it's always okay when Madonna is going out with a 24-year-old. It's always okay when Kate back in Seoul does it. It's always okay that Cher is 80 and marrying a guy. That's always okay, but somehow in the other way, it's not okay, I don't get it. - And The Golden Element was The Bachelor, you know, was he well off? Was that part of the conceit of it? - Well, I mean, he wasn't living out of his car, you know. - That's quite a good twist. - He's a Golden Bachelor. - And actually, he's, you know, he was a generic white guy who probably, you know, worked for crumbly and warmly corporation and, you know, just was like, this guy who, look, people, as we know, are always looking for love as they should. I mean, the world is a sinful, hateful place and one of the few great things about it is that love is always there somewhere and it's always available. - Yeah. - It's not sold in stores, but it is around. And you can always, you know, get lucky or maybe you make your own luck with love. By, you know, a lot of people say you, whatever you put out comes back to you. I think there's certainly as an element to that. So, you know, are there a lot of ladies who are, they're probably mostly divorced, maybe summer widows in their 50s or 60s, you know, looking for late in life love. I mean, you shouldn't give up on love at any time in life, you know? - Yeah. - So obviously, American audiences ate it up. - Yeah, yeah, they fucking loved it. Because ladies, I think, you know, related to, oh, this is great, you know, love, late in life. - Yeah. - And the guy, you know, he, I didn't watch it. He seemed like kind of a stiff to me, but, you know, by actuarial tables, we know women live longer. So, as you get into those age ranges, there's more women than men. I remember the reverse of this when I was in college, and there was way more men than women. It sucks. So, men who were 70, you know, if they're into age-appropriate dating, they got their pick-up a winner in the age-old ham. They're having lots of sex, did you know? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I visited, like STDs are out of control in the old age ham. - Oh my god, yeah, I went to the one in Arizona, that massive, there's a massive compound there, and they were all, it was wild. And they were all, what were you doing there? - I was doing a travel show. - I was pitching a new reality format. - Where I date around the old age community. - Was your wife okay? - I remember this, this is how I met her. - Honey, she's 80, I did mention that. - It came home smelling like Ben Gay. What's going on? - Yeah, I found her in one of those homes. - She was very confused. - But I got her onto the plane with promises. (laughs) - Pop my cow, Steve Tease. - I managed to get her. - Does your wife know who Bob Monk has it? - She would not know. - She's too young for that. - You see, you cradle robbery. - Yeah. - I dare you not, date, date, completely, appropriately. She has to be born exactly within the year you were born. How old is your wife? - My wife is 34. - Well, yeah, completely respectable. - Completely respectable. - She's ridiculous. - My father and mother, they have a big age gap. My father's 86, so I'm gonna be 66. - Not a big age gap to me, but I get your point. - No, but to most people, that is. - But, you know, human nature, age gaps don't happen because we just like took a vote on it. It happens because men require decades of head start to be even closer to as mature as women are. They usually are fully, I mean, not fully, okay. But a long way toward maturity, when they're 25. I wouldn't say that about 21. They're still in that experimental crazy I'm away from home. Let's see what Dixer like, phase, you know, okay. But not 25, they grow up pretty fast. - Yeah, yeah. - I hear. (laughs) - But men? - Yeah. - I mean, the maturity can go to almost endlessly. - Yeah, yeah. - I mean, it can go to 80. - Yeah. - I'm not mentioning any name. (laughs) - Somebody I know who you turned 80. Can I be sure of? - Body of you. - Yes. - It's not your lunch and partner. Dinner. - Dinner, sorry. - Yeah. Yeah. That's his list of insults. Did you see that? - Yeah, that's a great artifact of history. - Did he speak for you that brought 20? - No, he tried to stop it. - He tried to get it thrown out. - What? - Yeah, he did. When it was announced, he had his press secretary said, "Fake news, it's not happening. Bill Maher's not getting it." (laughs) - But what has he changed? - He changed. - He changed his tune. - The Kennedy Center. - He was going to be the Trump Kennedy Center. - Then they took as that was another controversy. I didn't think it was ever going to happen. Because first he tried to stop it, but then it was going through and then they took his name off the building. He didn't like it. and then took his name off the list. the building, he covered the building in draperies, so you couldn't see anything on the building. I'm not kidding. - And I don't care. I don't care. I, if you, if at this point, 10 years into the Trump situation, you're still obsessing about his personality. My view is that's on you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Should we always be criticizing as I do what he actually does while he's in office? - Absolutely, but to keep just focusing on these personality things that we've talked about for 10 years, they're not gonna change. That's who he is. I don't care when he calls me names now. - It's like the way he does it. It's the way he talks. It's who he is. Of course he's gonna hang a tarp on the building. He does these things, but you can't even imagine, if you, if you tried your hardest, what is he gonna do now? Tarp on the building would never have come to me, but he is always gonna do it. And when he does it, I just gotta go, okay. - Yeah, well played. - Yeah. - This is your, this is what you do. And as long as it's something that doesn't really affect me or other people for real, I don't care about your reflecting pool. I don't care about your ballroom. I don't care what you do on the lawn. You can have UFC fights. You can have sheep grazing there like one president did. You can do anything. You can pick a ball. I don't give a shit what you do on the lawn. And if you're a person who does, you're just way too into Donald Trump. As the person who controls how you think in life. Everything is about him. I'm not going there with you, you know? And I'm winning. And I'm somebody who attacks personally. And I care less than you. Your life is all about Donald Trump. Mine isn't. It's amazing things that people can be okay with if they like you. - I know. Especially celebrities like, look, again, people will argue up Michael Jackson till forever. But if you're a reasonable person, it's pretty obvious. - Yeah. - And it's just a lot of people just decided, we don't care, we just don't care. And I certainly don't care about the music. I never stopped playing the music. I never stopped playing art Kelly. - Yeah, yeah. - The music didn't rape anybody. The music is great and I never even considered not playing, but the fun. - But not quite a good enough canon to get away with the, you know, Michael Jackson levels about adulation. But there's definitely a. - I'm just aware of the cognitive dissonance. I can like the music and be completely aware that the person who made it did terrible things. I mean, Thomas Jefferson wrote our declaration of independence, again, sorry man. But he was, I can't really couch it in any other polite word, a rapist because he had sex with a slave. Now when you're a slave, you can't say no. That to me is the definition of rape. So a rapist wrote the declaration of independence. Life is full of contradictions like that. We had a revered union leader named Caesar Chavez in this country, in this state, who got rights for migrant farm workers. Reveered, he's on the name of a thousand schools, had to take it off. Turned out he was having horrible sexual predation on hundreds of women. And yet he was a great union leader. I mean, that's the world we live in. - Yeah, yeah. - I can't explain it, but I'm not gonna pretend that those contradictions don't exist and I'm not gonna stop playing beat it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Or believe Gia. Or the way you make me feel, you know. I mean, he's just, I watched the movie recently when I was in a hotel room. You know, there's a million dollars. - My god, yeah. Of course it ends before. - Yes, at a convenient moment. - Very convenient moments. - But, you know, Gia, you don't take all the Gia guys off the wall. - Why would Gia Gia do? - He was, I think, had some sexual clivities that were not acceptable to one modern standards. - In Jehidi? - Cavaggio, yeah. - When he was in Jehidi, yeah. - Yeah, when he was in Jehidi, yeah, yeah. - He abused the Jehidi. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, I didn't hear about them. - Yeah. - I get my gossip the old fashioned way from the girls down at the nail salon. So, I didn't see that on. - Is that breaking news on the internet? - Yeah, that was a good thing. - Oh, go get them canceled. Oh, fuck, man. I analyzed that guy. Boy, we have no heroes left. Don't tell me Van Gogh. - Come on. - Don't tell me Van Gogh. Is there something funny with the ear? - I can't. - Don't tell me cut the ear off so we could fuck it or something. Weird like that. - Yeah, yeah. - Somebody would do that. - Yeah, nobody would do that. - This is why my material doesn't work in America 'cause I'm doing James Mason impressions of my Go-Gown material. - Oh, I think the Go-Gown, I think the Go-Gown. I just think the Go-Gown hunk needs a little work. - I can't need a little work. - Let me coach you. - Yeah, my cultural reference points. You're just not right for this market. You wanna break me like the people. - Yeah, I just need to. - Your English, you know? English are more sophisticated. I once did a really, really funny editorial with lots of clips about how American television, especially serious, like I don't mean that in a snarky way. I mean, some really great shows. Episodic shows on the, you know, premium networks, most notably my own HBO. - It's always English actors. - Yeah. - Succession. - Game of Thrones. And they're not making them do, I mean, in succession, they did American accents, but generally, they want the English accent. Because, especially if you're doing a historical piece, it bestows a certain gravitas that American accents just don't. - Yeah. - So, Game of Thrones? - Why do they have, why do they have an English accent? It's a completely made-up place. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There's no reason for it. - Except when you talk like Kevin Costner, you just don't sound as, not many sounds like that. But I just mean, when you're all American. - No, it's just, it's. - Him is Robin Hood with his American accent. He really throws here, it's like. - I mean, when Brad Pitt, Brad Pitt is from Missouri. That's about his middle American issue you can get. When he did Troy. - Troy, yeah. - English accent. - Soar. Handly or soar. Brad Pitt doesn't say soar. Brad Pitt says soar, like I do. They don't say soar. But it's Troy, which is not English. We're talking about Greece and 1200 BC. This is when that takes place. Are you looking forward to the Odyssey coming to the theater? - Yeah, I think it's good. - Christopher Nolan. - Christopher Nolan. - What do you think? - I mean, excited to see that? - I am beyond hard. - Yeah. (laughing) - As I was an English major, I read the Odyssey in college. Ilead and the Odyssey. I mean, I would say the first two years of college, I thought, you know, I was gonna do something with my English degree. - Yeah. - Did not. - Did not. - But I do use English in my career. (laughing) - I mean, that's true. But I also think it was very helpful that I got a very broad knowledge. Probably more like what you typically get in England. We don't take education very seriously in those countries. We really don't. But I think you probably still do. And I mean, you feel like you, what? I mean, prep school, whatever you call it. - Yeah. - What do you call it? - A public school. - No, no, we established you're not in it. What was it eaten? - What I went to. - Yeah. - Mulbra. - I went to college. - College, but you were not college age. What we consider college. - Yeah, yeah. It's even more confusing because we don't call, yeah, college is secondary school here. - Right. - The England, yeah. - How old were you when you got to this place? - I went, I, there I went 13. I went to boarding school at a time. - 13? - Yeah. - So you're ripped out of your mother's arms at 13? - Yeah. - Was it traumatic? - No, not really. I was a, I mean, for me it wasn't too bad. I was, I was only like an hour away from home. - Were you living in a dorm? - Yeah, yeah, in a dorm, yeah. - So you didn't, every night got a bed in your own room like I did? - Yeah. - You went to a dorm with, with dozens of other kids sleeping in bunk beds? - Yeah. - Really? - But I kind of, I mean, some people have a bad experience. I actually, I was okay with it. But like, my dad went at seven. He was stuck on a train, went up to the North of England like four hours away from his home and was there for like a month on end in a Catholic boarding school raised by monks? It was brutal. - That is brutal. - My version was like, you know, much more. - Okay, but like, you say 13? - Yeah, 13. - 13, when I remember most about that age, was I was masturbating furiously, constantly. - Yeah. - Can you do that in the setting of being in a dorm room with me? I mean, I was luckily, I had my own little room, tiny as it was, it was mine. He was a master baton. Yeah, but how could you have that if you were surrounded by other people wouldn't they hear the bed shaking? I think there was probably a lot of that. I mean that everybody was the stories of Boarding schools, but everybody was doing it so nobody so nobody cared It was just just normal to hear a Acophony a cappany of frapping frapping yeah at that lights out 10 boys with the lights out whining themselves into a camera that's so nice so disgusting and but yeah At least you have your parents downstairs. I know, but when you think of all that spilled sperm in one room I mean in some predatory house master listening at the door that is the nightmare of the pro-life crowd I mean just in one room the amount of wasted They you know possible babies, yeah, right? Yeah, I think if anything even worse when the boy like you know Girls syncing themselves. I think there was boys You can harmonizing that Nice debatory activity Oh syncing their period. Yeah, yeah, I think it was Is that still a thing? Was that ever a thing or was that a lifestyle? You know, it was a what I always heard that my whole life Yeah, women's when they're together is it that they're their period sync. Yeah It could be it could be it could be it could be They're weird creatures. It's one of the we don't understand It's one of these things. I've been told we never wanted to challenge No, I mean I feel they're like they're like lemurs I I've heard a lot about them, but I don't really know that much After all these years I I know they're mammalia But yeah, that I mean it could be they certainly have Or are rooted to have, but I think they do have more of a shall we say Intuition, I mean women's intuition is a is a old saying. Yeah, and I I don't know I mean you think that's true that they have more intuition than we do. Yeah, I do - I do I believe that yeah I believe that more than the period one More readily able to believe though. No, there's nothing in the world like having a girlfriend or in your case a wife that's smarter than you Maybe not in every way, maybe they don't you know know as much about the Ottoman Empire or something but like in key ways yeah and Ways that yeah, just matter how old you get I'm just will always a lute a man and it comes Yeah, comes easy to that yeah, and you know, I don't follow movies that well. Yeah, like I'm always the guy in the movie is going It's not the same guy who had the mustache and the other scene. Oh, oh, so he's working with that you know like Like I need a guy. I'm not that I'm not that bright with some of the if it's a really arcane kind of plot I guess I don't see I'm supposed to be an observational comedian, but like I don't see like and then I have to be told Oh, yeah, so he took the envelope for the guy and had the same thing. Oh, right You know, yeah, so you know, I have to guide my I wear the other way around I have to guide my wife through movies And she wants to know the entire plot from the beginning and wants me to tell me Tell her what's going on and then what is about to happen as well? And I'm like there's not a storytelling works You don't want me to ruin this for you like you find out you don't need to know everything You'll learn things by the end of the scene if I told you what happened right now that I and you know and you'll miss the satisfaction Yeah, and how the storytellers Wanted to unravel that way. That's the satisfaction. You got to pull back the bull before you shoot the arrow. Yeah All right, well, I'm gonna release you back into the wild Jack. It was a pleasure to get to know you Yeah, and I'm sure that America will be greeting you like the Beatles really You're gonna do great here once they hear my tales of mutual masturbation leave out the French Impressionist, yes, yeah, yeah, not just him right not then go geez. Yeah Yeah, French impressionist avoid that. Yeah, we're gonna avoid yeah, and French capital cities wrapping along to those We're not gonna do any of that. No, you've given me a great like blueprint for how to break America. All right, bro I appreciate it Sorry They used to do a thing in every military movement. They would do the same gag where the you know the admiral on the Thank you, sir, and he's salutes and the guy puts his hand and then they change it do it like I'll salute you to the handshake, and then It was fun. I'll take a friend. I'll text Woody didn't. Yes, and him tell him we had a ball And when you're here call us we'll all get together. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love that come back to the woods. We'll party there. Yeah Yamaha Resort and Casino at Sandman Well is California's number one entertainment destination for the biggest shows this summer catch vocal Powerhouse Christina Aguilera July 21st rock out to imagine dragons July 23rd and enjoy the signature G funk sounds of Snoop Dogg July 24th Tickets are on sale now at Yamaha Theater dot com only at Yamaha Resort and Casino celebrating its 40th anniversary You in must be 21 to enter