Jack Martin Returns

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Replacement is hassle-free and fast. Simply visit a participating store. Visit Sunglass Hut and find your perfect pair of shades for summer. Sunglass Hut. Own your moment. Wave. What is the biggest change you've ever made in your life? Like, what is the best thing that you started doing that improved your life? Do you have one? Oh my God, I don't know if I do. Come on, Jack. Do you have one? Well, I was going to think while you were answering. You and Darius. So, there are. There are little pills you can take. What are they? Lactate? Oh, yeah. You doing that? I've done it before and it has helped, so I guess that's my answer. I really genuinely realized in that moment that I am lactose intolerant. Yeah. I always have a revelation on this podcast. Is that true? Well, last time I came on, I remember I was looking at the YouTube comments and there was one comment that said something like, this guy's never had a friend. What? Or like, I've never seen someone who needs therapy more. That is. Which I am in. Whoa. It felt like a read. It felt very. You can't be reading that stuff, Jack. Well, it was interesting because it wasn't a hate comment. It was like someone looking out for me. No, that's how they get you. That's how they get you. They put on like the concerned citizen hat and then they read you to fucking Phil. That's one of the ways they try to get you. Well, I think it's because. You give me revelations on this pod. Yeah. Like the lactose. That's beautiful. I think the thing that we always have to remember about people commenting on podcasts on the internet is they're commenting on podcasts on the internet. And I send my love to the fans, to the people who are being sweet. I'm sure. I love you. I appreciate you. I'm not reading, but you just have to remember like when someone puts like a. You know, I've seen like two paragraph hate comments about me on something and I go, you took time out of your day to do that. You can't have a very good life. I genuinely. I genuinely couldn't think of one thing that's hateable about you. Oh, there's plenty. I'm just saying to take time to write it is crazy. I was having this conversation with someone recently and I think where we landed is that it's not. Everyone always talks about it with comments. I actually would go so far as to say maybe this should have been my so true is that having an opinion about anything on the internet is crazy. To me, it's committing to actually just writing it and posting it. Yes. Like I have opinions about everything. I'm ill. There's something wrong with me. I can't stop having opinions about everything. Things that have nothing to do with me. I have opinions. I have opinions on. Yes. But I am never in my life on a comment section on the internet sharing that. Right. Like I have the show and I have stand-up and I have like ways to talk about my little thoughts, but I'm never sitting down and typing out two paragraphs in a comment on Instagram. Right. Mostly because I have an interesting life that I enjoy. Yes. Which is my point. It's like taking time to do that is a real like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you in therapy at the time that you saw the therapy comment? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, of course. Okay, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, they were correct. Yeah. Correct read of me. What are you working on in there? Anything you can share or not really my business? Definitely your business. I mean, clearly the lactose is on the list. We're going to work on therapy. We're going to work on lactose. We're going to work on lactose and therapy. Yeah. I mean, the problem is like there's such an overlap between the physical problems and the mental problems. Yeah? Yeah. Well, like, you know, this is like the least funny topics I can be bringing. The sleep apnea is like diabolical. It's not working. Yeah. The lack of being able to breathe. The sleep apnea. You know what? I'm keying in on something here. Me ceasing to breathe in my sleep is not working. I was really shocked. We stayed together at South By. We went to South By Southwest for the arthouse film pizza movie that we were both in. Yes. And for which I auditioned for your role famously. Have we talked about this on here already? Did we talk about it the last time? I don't think so. I don't think so. I auditioned for the role that Jack played in Pizza Movie because I thought it was so interesting, which is totally. And then they said, well, we're going to give it to Jack Martin. I said, that's correct. That's my boy. He'll do great with it. And then they said, but we have something for you. And then they sent me a role that they created for me, which is very sweet. Shout out to Nick and Brian. Not so sweet when you read it, though, because the first line after they rejected me playing a college student was, I am 31 years old. And I had to go to college. I have taken a gap decade. So it was. We're talking about a movie that imagines that people can get so high that they get a chainsaw shoved up their ass. Wasn't able to stretch the imagination enough for me to be 21. Right? And so those are my dear friends. And we went to South by for the movie and we stayed together. And you. Your sleeping patterns were quite interesting to me. Yeah, that got scary. I was like, this is a sleepy guy. You were like, do you want to go in the pool at 2 p.m.? And I was like, oh, I can't. I'm going to be asleep. Yeah. And then what was interesting about it is I was like, it would be kind of like, do you want to do breakfast at 7 a.m.? And you'd be like, I got to sleep. And they'd be like, do you want to do pool at 10 p.m.? And you'd be like, bedtime. And I'd be like, hey, we're going to stay up late. It'd be like midnight. And I'd be like, I think we're going to stay up for another couple hours. And you'd be like, ah, it's just the sleep I got to do. And I was like, this guy is getting his fucking. I was actually, I left that situation being like, I'm not taking care of myself. Jack Martin is a health guru in my life, and I need to be getting sleep. It's good that I gave that appearance because the real explanation behind it is that I just haven't seen a doctor in an unbelievable amount of time. Yeah, well, there are surgeries you and I were talking about last night. Yeah. Well, you're great at seeing the doctor. You sort of lined him up. No, I'm good. I'm getting good at it. Yeah. Jack, this is. How old are you? 27. Right. When you said that, I forgot. Yeah. I don't know why. Four years from now, you might find yourself in a position like I'm in. And I don't know why. I am grateful. I'm grateful for things you can't even imagine thinking about. I'm expressing gratitude for my body. Turning 30 really shifted something for me. Right. But yeah, I'm going to the doctor all the time now. Oh, my God. If something's even slightly wrong, I'm hitting the doctor. And this is, of course, a guy who has good health. He's got good health insurance privilege. Sure. I'm exercising it. I'm going in there. I'm telling him. I went in for an STD test, and I said, I said, take some extra blood, run everything. He said, what for? I said, just in case. Just like as a tip? Yeah. Damn, take some extra blood on the top. Don't spend this all in one place, sugar. Yeah, I'm going to the doctor. I'm thinking about getting a colonoscopy just to see what's going on in there. Michael Cruz came and was just telling me about it. What's that thing you can get where they just sort of suck it all out? Lipo? Lipo? Jack? Jack? What? No, I meant, I meant of your colon. Oh, it's like a. Yeah. Is that an enema? Yeah, that. Can't they do those with coffee? Yeah, probably. Chance Google. That's what's happening. That's what happened to me after Dim Sum. Chance Google coffee enema. Yeah, Jack and I had Dim Sum last night, and the truth is that when I walked back to your hotel with you, and I had to spend some private time in the lobby bathroom. Yeah. The Dim Sum hit quick. It moved at an unbelievable pace. And the Dim Sum was very good. It was excellent. I messed up a little bit on ordering for us. Hey, it's okay. It's not, dude. I want to get. I love ordering for the table, and when you don't get it right, it's a nightmare because you take that burden on your shoulders. You want to take care of the people you love. Well, it is a talent of yours, ordering for the table. You've put together some incredible orders in our time. Usually. The Thai food in Liverpool, New York. I did order for us there. You know, filming a movie in Syracuse can be such an incredible thing that happens to you. You can really live somewhere for three weeks and do nothing. You can go to Denny's. You can go to Denny's, which we did. You can go to the one Thai restaurant, which I will say I was pretty stoned for, but I got to say it was one of the better ones. It was magnificent. Chance, coffee enema? Yeah, coffee enema involves introducing brewed, cooled coffee into the rectum and colon to promote bowel cleansing and purported liver detox. High-quality clinical evidence is minimal. Why is he still going? And major liver guidelines do not endorse it. Why didn't he put it on the screen, Jack? I was expecting a visual. I know. I wanted to see maybe a diagram. Yeah, well, I really wasn't expecting you to say that the enema goes in that route. I thought it was like you drink it and that's just what happens because that is usually what happens to me, frankly. Okay, no, no, this is a different. Okay, so this is an interesting picture. There was an interesting picture where it was just a coffee cup. in front of bowels. And this is why I just read it. TLC. And you're supposed to figure out the rest. Click on try a coffee enema chance, would you please? The pink one on the next row. Okay, for detox and wellness. Remove toxins, improve digestion, and boost energy. You know, people lived for a very long time before any of this stuff ever came up. But enema may be good. Colonoscopy, I'm just hearing raving about. This just feels like something that would save me. You think? Don't you think? I want you to get into this kind of stuff. I like when my friends get kind of rich in Hollywood and they start telling me that they're getting like IVs to the house. I like that stuff. I think that's nice. There's just something about like, I don't know, maybe I'm like with the goop marketing or something, but just like removing everything out of me in this way through like a bag. It just feels like it's going to fix all my problems at once. I'm very susceptible to marketing. I do know that about you. I will say, speaking of goop, for all my questions about goop, for all my fears about Gwyneth Paltrow, I have a lot of questions for her. I hope she's well. She talks about supplements and wellness in a way that I'm like, I want to talk to her and make sure everything's okay. She's beautiful. She looks great. For all my questions about goop, goop kitchen in LA. You ever had it? I've heard a lot of things about it. It's actually working. Okay. I was in a writer's room in LA that stopped doing sweet green and started doing goop kitchen. That's an enormous change for them. It was massive. And it changed everything for me. And it was really good, actually. What kind of things are they serving there? I really can't begin to imagine. Salads, teriyaki chicken bowl, which I had a lot of fun with. Yep. Yeah, I had a good time. And then, yeah, of course, several times a week they would say, we're doing a goop order. And I'd say, I'm going to go across the street to a fried chicken place. You guys go ahead. Well, when I hear the name goop kitchen, I'm picturing something that serves like Nickelodeon slime or Play-Doh. Which, you know, my favorite thing about Gwyneth Paltrow and my friend Doyle says all the time, he wishes that we just had like a meal pill. Yes. Like you just take your meal pill and then you're just done. And I don't feel that way, but I do understand the desire. I heard Glenn Howard say that, that he wishes he could just exclusively drink like a liquid once a day and then just be satiated. Really? Which is scary. Which is scary, but I support it. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really specific and futuristic kind of eating disorder. I personally wish I could be eating all the time, which is my existing literal eating disorder. I just love this stuff. I think it's a lot of fun. Hell yeah, brother. I love sharing a meal. I love, I love it. Literally. I absolutely love it. It's the best there is. It is the best there is. How's New York treating you this trip? It's going pretty good. You're trying to convince me to like it a lot more than I do. Yeah. I mean, I will say we're walking through beautiful, gorgeous New York City last night after I texted, Jack texted me and said, I'll see you tomorrow for the podcast. And I said, are you in town? And he said, yeah. I said, meet me at this dim sum spot in 30 minutes. I'm going to get on a bike right now. Meet me. I bike. I bike from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I meet my dear friend at dim sum. We share a gorgeous meal together. We talk about life and art and what it all means. And I say, I'll walk you back to your hotel. We're walking through this beautiful city, middle of the night, busyness, everything happening. And what does Jack say to me? I love LA. I was like, what? He goes, yeah, I just love the sunshine. It's like, well, it's 11 PM. I'm just like, Jack, what? And I did try to convince you to love New York. It really seems like such a grave personal insult when you put it like that. And in many, in some ways it was. No, it wasn't. We talked about LA. I gave you LA book recs. You did. But you also, while I was asleep, sent me an Instagram post that said, reasons you should love New York. Well, actually, I sent you an Instagram post of a city, a New York City council person, Chiyose, who just posted all caps on grid. New York is the only city in the world. Yeah, that. And I believe it's tied to the Knicks winning some sort of basketball game. Sure. They're going to the finals. Yes. Which I love that for them. I'm ecstatic for them. I believe it's the first time in many years. Yeah. So I shout out the Knicks. Yeah. I shout them out. Sure. But yeah, I do. I have fallen in love with New York. I've always loved New York. Right. Since moving here, I've become one of those guys. And it is not a cute look. I just love like a road trip, even if the road trip is like Santa Monica to Silver Lake. You know what I mean? Yeah. I just love getting in the car. Every time we've gotten in a car together, we've had such a great time. We sing songs. We roll the windows down. That's the best thing a person can experience. Isn't that what you said happens after death? Yeah. Nice to drive home on your own. Yes. Oh, it could just as easily be a bike over the Brooklyn Bridge. It could just as easily be a bike ride home after a night out with friends. In fact, it might be. I really thought I had you back into a corner with that one. No, what you said was beautiful. And I do love getting in your Jeep. I love having. Do you still have the Jeep? No, I got rid of it. I thought you got rid of it. And that scares me. It was a painful experience. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why'd you do it? It's not a car that was ever meant for me. I really misinterpreted what was going on there. What do you mean? I was just never meant to be a Jeep guy. No? No. You didn't ever get into the rubber ducks? Well, I will say the first time that happened to me, I thought there was a serial killer tracking me down. I mean, imagine not knowing. Knowing what that is. Yeah. And going back to your car and seeing a rubber duck placed on the hood of your vehicle. Yeah. Like, that is the mark of a killer. But in fact, it's something very sweet. It is. It is something very sweet. Which is the Jeep community, while certainly contentious, while certainly some crazy politics involved. Sure. They are. They're very communal. Well, and here's something I'll say about that. They always say that you can do the Jeep wave. Yeah. Where you see a Jeep in traffic and you wave. Yeah. There I was, probably dozens of times, dozens of times in my Jeep, doing that, never once getting a wave in return. Yeah. Not one time. I played the fool on that many times as well. I'm always trying to connect, and people are not really. I just. When I landed back in New York a couple days ago, I. It was. I think I told Michelle this. It was raining really hard, and I got in the car, and I was, like, shaking off the water, and to my driver, I go, why didn't you turn off the rain for me? And he. In the rear view mirror, he just goes. And I went, no worries. Yeah, people are not really trying to connect with me a lot of times, and I'm putting it out. I'm begging. I would have played that even worse. I would have assumed he didn't hear me and said it, like, three more times. Oh, sorry. Turn it down. Why didn't you turn off the rain for me? Dude, I miss you being a Jeep guy. What are you driving these days? I got a Mustang, which I guess is, like, optically even worse. That was tough to hear. Yeah, I'm sorry. You driving top-down around L.A. with that thing? Yeah, unfortunately. Whoo, fun but tough. Well, maybe, maybe we could ride together in it and sing some songs and change your mind. I would love that. Change your whole view. I'll put on This Kiss by Faith Hill. Yeah, I know that's right. I know you're on that right now. Yeah, I am. Johnny Burke told his influence. Mm-hmm. And the chicks, come on. Come on, dude. I need to actually get in the Mustang with you. I need to get out there. Cowboy, take me away. Cowboy, take me away in many ways. And in many ways, tonight, the heartache's on me. I've been saying it for years. It's like these women, the chicks did something that no one else has ever done, which is make music. Literally. No one ever made music before or after. That is genuinely how I feel. It was just the chicks. In the sunshine. Hey. The Los Angeles sunshine. Come on. Come on. Jack, you need to have some love for New York. You're in a show about New York. You're right, you're right. I am actively promoting a show that is celebrating New York. We're gonna get you there. There's a lot to like about New York. Yeah. I think the times I haven't liked New York, it's been my fault, and I'll admit that. What's your least favorite place you've ever lived? Or spent time? Are you scared to say that? Yeah, I have an answer, but I feel like they'll be mad at me. That'll be for me. That'll be for me. Yeah. Okay, and is your most favorite legitimately LA? Yeah, it is. Really? Because I think I would, you know what I think I would have a lot of fun? If I moved in with your parents in Michigan for a little bit. You would love that. They would love that. I would love it. Your mom is my boy. Your dad is my boy. They text me about you all the time. That's important to me. When your special came out, they took a picture of the, picture of it on Apple TV and texted it to the family group chat and said, that's our son. Yes. I'm not kidding. And in many ways, I am. And I need to get over there. It's true. I want to go with them in Michigan. I haven't been to see them there at all. Yeah, I mean, you would adore it. And they're riding bikes over there. Your dad's retiring like next week. Yeah. I know he's going to be looking for some good times. Yeah. I need to get up there. Oh my God, you guys could hang. You could like walk around the water and wave to people. Yeah, and I don't want you or Maddie to come. I understand that. Do you know what I mean? I understand that completely. Because then it would be about like they'd have to really lock in on you guys. I feel like I'm intruding. I want my time. Of course. With your parents. Yeah. You got that a little bit on Pizza Movie. I'll get up there. I did. Yeah. I did. We had the giant green room and then I would leave to shoot and it would just be you and your boys. Green room. Yeah, the classroom. Yeah. Yeah. Classroom. It was a really scary situation. It was a really scary. We were in a condemned high school outside of Syracuse. I mean, I can't say enough. I'm grateful for the opportunity. Thank you guys for having me. I think Pizza Movie number two, if we do one, it's going to need to be set somewhere different. I think this time they're at, let's do it White Lotus style. This time they're at a resort. Yes. Why could Pizza Movie not be at the Four Seasons in Thailand? It should be. I can't think of one reason why not. They become the staff at the Four Seasons Thailand. We just literally do White Lotus. White Lotus but with the Pizza Movie cast. We'll kill Gaten or something. And Gaten would love that. Gaten would love that. He'd be so happy to be the guy who gets killed. We won't kill him right away. away or we'll kill him right away and then the whole season will be him playing a ghost or something yes because i want him there yeah yeah i don't want to lose him he's killed immediately and then it starts from the beginning and takes you all the way back yeah killed immediately and then flashback vibes yeah do you think you'd still be the grinch at times no okay i don't think i'll get in that costume again right for any reason i mean i want a different kink i want a different kink for my guy if we go forward yeah well wasn't grinch originally your idea or no it was part of it but i guess i thought it would be more of a face paint situation right i didn't really fully understand what would be happening with grinch i'm i'm i'm operating in a way of like what's the funniest and then i'm not realizing that i've made my life hell i will say i think one of my favorite moments in my life was when i was on set and we didn't know exactly what time you're coming and we knew you're coming directly in from your first ever hbo special and it was a very big moment for you and you were coming to pizza movie just to grace it and you were coming to pizza movie just to grace it and you were coming to with your presence in the movie i was very excited and you facetimed us as the grinch with a diaper on and full green face paint just what the fuck is going on you didn't know you were gonna do that it's really funny to think about how seriously i try to take this job like i thought about that character and then it's like you just sometimes have to step out and be like we are we are clowns yeah we are clowns me particularly i mean you got to play like i mean i was screaming at a butterfly you were screaming at a butterfly for sure yeah that was voiced by daniel radcliffe yeah yeah and nick's note for me was lysander the butterfly is your first worthy adversary yeah i do love those guys i love them nick and brian they're good boys they're the greatest boys ever they're good boys they're wonderful boys what's been what's been exciting you lately what's been on your mind what's life outside pizza movie aside from pizza movie and lactose intolerance that i am worried about i'm also i have to say actually on that note i am was really concerned when you said that your lactose intolerance is coming up in therapy a lot that because i'm not in therapy so maybe i'm like maybe i don't understand really what goes on in there right but i thought it was supposed to be more like emotional stuff but maybe it's the emotions of lactose intolerance right well i have really bad ocd so i think it's probably them being like oh yeah you're you're fixating on the milk and that's really not the problem yeah yeah yeah yeah which probably should have been evident to me earlier yeah yeah do you talk about your ocd much um a little bit not really yeah but yeah i mean it's the worst it's horrible is it just do you fear like we're talking about it trigger stuff like do you like what trigger spirals if you talk about it too much or do you feel like you can talk about it no i feel like i can talk about it i i think what it usually is for me is like i get an idea in my head and then i can't stop thinking about it and then i need to talk about it so i guess basically what you just said yeah but uh yeah it sucks yeah it sucks when did you how long have you been diagnosed with it well i wasn't diagnosed till i was like late in high school but in retrospect it was like incredibly obvious like this is so depressing but when i was a little kid i would come home like i would be in school and i'd be taking a test and i was like i was so worried about cheating on a test and i remember i like looked over to the clock and i accidentally graced a kid's paper on the way and i was like freaking the fuck out of it all day and i was like i was like and i came home to my mom crying and i was like i didn't i swear i didn't mean to look at the paper i promise i didn't use it like i just felt i felt so horrible so it's just that over and over again but about different things i'll probably do it about something i said about on the podcast in like 30 minutes well if that's the case then everyone on this podcast has ocd everyone who comes on this show must have ocd because i will tell you that the text messages and emails that chance and i get after every recording of this show and we have never once let someone look bad yeah not on purpose i mean of course there's times that you think something's totally fine and then it turns out everyone hates it yeah which happens to me constantly but i really it will be like if we record someone and their episode's not coming out for three weeks i would say chance virginia and i we're getting emails two three in the morning every couple days wow for most of our guests who's expecting a 3 a.m email to be opened no they're just like hey uh they're not i don't think they're expecting like feedback in real time right but that's when they're yeah they're going like they're going like fuck uh i think i think the the thing i said about like uh it'll be the most it'll be the most benign thing you've ever heard sure it'll be like when i said i don't really like going to the grocery store alone i just feel like maybe maybe going to the grocery store alone community would be upset just just just to be safe can we cut it i'm like jesus fucking christ i can't make fun of that person at all because it's completely me i make fun of them i mean we always cut it but i make fun of them while we do it well yeah and and i also think i deserve to be made fun of for it wouldn't make fun of you for it okay not to your face but probably because of the ocd stuff sure sure yeah if i didn't know you had a diagnosis i'd go ahead and go in on yeah yeah yeah but yeah the diagnosis would change my permission that yeah that sounds really fucking annoying yeah it sucks i hate that for you yeah is there like medication or is it like mostly just like therapy and talking yeah so unfortunately there's a very specific kind of therapy which supposedly fixes it and i still haven't done it jack why why what's holding you back scared of it scared uh what's the fear do we also don't have to talk about that if you like i don't really want to go into it well yeah i mean i feel like it probably just will be depressing to talk about yeah and not funny actually my uh medical diagnoses are not a lot of fun for fodder yeah yeah therapy i'm not in therapy i consider it sometimes and then every time i'm just like i don't know i got a lot going on i feel like you're also like the most well-adjusted person i've ever met though so dude i really i think if anyone doesn't need it it's you well you know i'm taking matters into my own hands anyway i'm on 75 caleb i'm so excited about 75 caleb do you understand i don't know if you fully grasp this i'm a big fucking joke to everyone who works for me i mean these are people i've been nothing but good to yes and i'm a big fucking joke to them well yeah chance is just taking advantage of you all the time i can't even really get into chance and i's dynamic the way that he yeah disrespects me and refuses to show gratitude yeah i mean i took this guy from the gutter i know you understand what i'm saying he had nothing and that was last week that was yeah yeah i pulled this guy out of nothing and now he's riding in limousines living in a gorgeous luxury apartment in new york private jet no fucking private jets women drugs caviar diamonds yeah no fucking respect at all i get from these people it's crazy i saw him make eye contact with you during the episode which is crazy which he knows i don't like yeah yeah it's been established it's like how hard is it yeah you know fuck yeah i don't really think that's hard at all yeah thank you jack that's because you're a good guy and i wish i had i wish i had guys like you in my inner circle i know you know yeah we're just like internet like we're just friends for the public we never hang out privately but it was the arrangement yeah it's contractual and i just wish i had guys like you in my circle because these guys don't respect me they're not nice to me i asked them to do book club with me they told me no i know i said you guys want to do a book club company book club they said they said no you're stupid fat and ugly i told them that 75 caleb was changing my life and they and and michelle texts back it's day one by the way someone someone's life can't be changed in a day it's just the district yeah it never stops yeah i mean it's just unbelievably crossing a line it never stops what is the biggest what is the biggest change you've ever made in your life like what is the best what is the best thing that you started doing that improved your life do you have one oh my god i don't know if i do come on do you have one well i was gonna think while you were answering comedy royalty kate mckinnon returns as queen 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That's fabletics.com slash so true for 70 to 80% off everything as a new VIP Kings and Queens. Well, spring is here and summer's just around the corner. And I, for one plan to spend as much time as humanly possible outside in the sunshine after a long winter. So if you're like me and want to soak up some rays, you got to check out our friends at sunglass hut to get your eyes right for all those fun outdoor activities. They have a wide range of styles for the summer. You can only find it sunglass hut to give you that confidence boost to own your moment this year. Sunglass hut also offers a premium shopping experience. You won't get anywhere else with expert guidance from shades experts. Replacement is half soul free and fast. Simply visit a participating store, visit sunglass hut and find your perfect pair of shades for summer sunglass hut own your moment. Honestly, probably no, no more. See, but maybe you didn't start out in the kind of place I started out in. To me, it was no more, uh, 2 a.m. DoorDash. Wow. No more 2 a.m. DoorDash changed everything for me. That's a change I need to make. I was ordering some of the most fucked up things you've ever heard of at two in the morning while stone. So I could, I, I have, you know, have like the superpower of a stone stomach where I can eat more of it. Of course. And just waking up feeling some of the most disastrous feelings you've ever felt in your life. Well, that's intensely relatable. Yeah. Depression, not to mention the physical literal stuff that was happening in my stomach, you know, like, yeah, tough, sort of like eating dim sum and having two large protein shakes. So yeah, you did, you did let me know that you had a protein shake before and after dim sum last night. Yeah. I'm wondering why I'm just filling myself with milk. I, uh, I can't explain it. I did come to dinner with a large CVS bag. It's unforgivable. That's what was in there. Yeah. I didn't know that's what was in there. That's crazy. Yeah. And I don't really know what's in the drinks either. Cause it's like, it's a yogurt brand that makes the drink and it's like the yogurt company makes milk now. And I'm just like really thrown off by all of it. Yeah. Companies are doing everything these days. Yeah. Did you see the thing that one of the, the Prego is making a device that records you in your home? It was a real thing. You're lying. I swear to God. You're lying. Can you Google Prego home surveillance? I'm so pissed off and sad. No, we're amused. I were. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do want to tell people what you came up, what you came up with. Yeah. I saw a tick tock that said your life will be so much better if instead of your default staying being slightly annoyed, you're instead slightly amused. I will say, I think I do that. You do do that. I mostly am like trying to do. It's funny. I got way too high. Uh, like two weeks ago, I think it was two weeks ago. I was like, what's funny? And I kept forcing myself to laugh. And my friend who I called over to take care of me during my panic attack was like, what's funny? And I was like, nothing. I'm trying to make it funny. I'm just picturing the monologue from the end of Pearl and just a smile on your face while tears are coming down. I haven't seen it. What kind of monologue is it? So good. It just, it just on me a goth for like eight minutes straight and she's just completely losing her mind. It's incredible. Really? Yeah. I want something like that. I have a really embarrassing story related to that movie that I'll tell you when we're not on Prego has a piece. What the fuck? The pasta sauce company has partnered with the nonprofit story core on a device designed to record family conversations around the table and save them for all time for all time. For all time is nuts. Prego. No. Why did they have to add for all time? Why is story core entering the chat? By the way, there's nothing. You can do to ever delete it. It's recorded. It's recorded for all time. That makes me fucking ill. Who do you think of the, at the pasta sauce company said we need to make this? I, you know, I almost bet it was story core. I almost bet it was story core. Does that sound crazy to say that? I think story core cooked this up. Oh, they got a bundle. You get free sauce. It says easy for kids and adults. So also, okay, this is fantastic. It says screen free by design as if that's fucking doing something. Well, that was the hurdle to me getting a family controlled privacy rechargeable via USB-C. Oh, it's built to last built to last. It says durable design that withstands the chaos of family. You cannot destroy it. What the fuck is going on at spaghetti night? This thing needs to be titanium. Don't worry. It's the indestructible crucible. Don't worry. It's a device that never turns off, saves everything you say and can't be destroyed. Sounds good. Why is it written in riddles? Yeah, it's fucking, it's this, it's the terminator. I take it away. Chance. I'm upset. It listens to you always, but it can never be destroyed. It knows your family, but you can never know it. I feel crazy. I feel crazy all the time. This is the kind of shit you see. I'm amused. I feel amused. I feel amused. I don't know. Sometimes I can't get to amusement and the tech stuff is really getting out of control. Yeah. I mean, that's so tough. I really, really, yeah. I have some pretty, I have some pretty severe ideas about what we need to do, but I can't say them on air. They are amusing to me as well. I'm amused. I can't believe you don't have a life thing that has changed your life. Uh, Oh, I stopped drinking like five years ago. Did you? Yeah. I didn't know that. I've been putting alcohol in your drink. Well, I don't count those times. Wait, did you have a problem or no? I don't think so. Well, it's always interesting. People sometimes just get sober to be like, Oh, I just kind of want to. And then people, there's the version of getting sober where it's like you hurt some people. I did just sort of wake up one day and I was like, I really don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. It was just not having fun at all anymore. Yeah. And I, and I do feel like I feel good about that decision. I feel like that was a very valid decision. Yeah. Because now if I go to any bar or party or music festival, no one's dancing, no one's seeming to enjoy themselves. Everyone's sort of staring at each other, maybe filming each other. Yeah. Very weird, horrible energy. That might just be Los Angeles. I don't know. I'm not here to talk about stuff like that. I'm not here to make guesses about those kinds of things. No, I, yeah, I've never been into drinking either. I really love, uh, recovered alcoholics. They're some of my favorite people on earth. Sure. Because they are, uh, they're people that lived like really hard, intense lives and then got super spiritual, like pretty much overnight. Right. And there are a lot of fucking fun to talk to. Yeah. Like straight up. I, I'm, I'm enthralled by recovered alcoholics. Come on. The power of now. I love the power of now. I love the 12 steps. I love making amends with everyone you've ever wronged. I think that's deeply fucking cool. I love it. Yeah. I love, I also think it's kind of, and I don't know if this is like fucked up to say, and so I just alcoholic community, let me know. Um, I think it's deeply chic to be like, I got to get to a meeting. Yeah. That's cool as fuck. Yeah. I want that. Yeah. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I'm not sure. I know it's really serious. I'm just saying like being, being anywhere in the world and being like, I'm going to find a meeting. It's like, it feels like spy shit. Yeah. It's really cool. If you're struggling with alcohol, get, get sober now. It's fucking awesome. Go spy mode. Go spy mode. Go to meetings in a city you've never been to before. I think that's cool as fuck. Yeah. I kind of want a problem. Yeah. You know, not a drinking problem. What problem would you like to have? I've really thought about getting like a public Coke problem. I think that would be deeply chic for me. Can you give me an example of like the video that Coke would be leaked? It would just be stuff I'm posting myself. Probably like I want to get really, I want to like, I want to spiral in public. Sure. I think it's the next step for me. Yeah. I'm such a good guy. Yeah, it's like your bad boy arc. I almost said good boy, but that has a sexual implication. You're such a good boy. I do want to be. I'm such a good boy. I do want a bad boy arc. I want to be like, I want to show up, I want to show up to a late night appearance and be fucking rude to the host. Do you think you're dropping an EP in this arc? Yo, for sure. I want to show up to set three hours late and then be like, Caleb, you can't do this. And I'll be like, I'm a fucking star. Caleb, you can't do this. Well, I did, bitch. And it's Martin Scorsese. I want that. I've heard your pop punk voice too. I think your EP would go crazy. Yeah? Could you, do you mind? Give me a song that I know. What's, I chime in. I chime in with the how many people ever heard of Do you know how I like to do? I like to send my musician friends voice notes of me covering their songs in pop punk voice like I'll just voice note Waxahachie in the middle of the day and be like, in the lilacs, drink the water. I like that. Aren't you friends with Boy Genius? Cause their songs would go crazy with that voice. I would love to send them motion sickness. I know that's Phoebe, but dude, let's fucking go. Come on. I have emotional motion sickness. That plays so well. Day up in Kyoto. I'll call, I'll call Phoebe right now. Oh my God. I did have a year of motion sickness in my Spotify top five and your pop punk remix would be my number one and I can say that with confidence. Look, everyone has to go through a Phoebe, Boy Genius, uh, depression era. I had to stop listening to Phoebe because it was ruining my life. Yeah. I was getting too sad. Straight up. I'm not joking. Straight up. It's a really, really tough thing that she's done. It was making me cry in the car and I was like, I can't listen to this anymore. I was just crying to Kevin Morby's new album the other day and with my friend, we turned to each other and said, he can't keep getting away with this. So he has a lyric, he has a lyric on his new album that says, may all sinners be forgiven by Jesus Christ because it sure would be nice to see all my friends again. So don't fucking, yeah! It's fucked up! Don't write shit like that. Are you fucking nuts? Yeah, it's insane. And then to record it and put it out? Oh my God. Go to jail, bitch. Oh my God. That's crazy. That is crazy. Yeah, I sob, I weep, I weep, I weep. I love, I love music. I love sad music, like music that makes. I love music, I love sad. We need to be both together. Yeah, do them together, I'm there. I did, you won't believe this. I bet I will. I did Iris at karaoke the other day. Whoa. Yeah. Where and with who? With my castmates at a bar on the Lower East Side in a room, in a little one of those rooms. And it was emotional. Yeah? Yeah, hearts were touched. Fuck. I know. I literally wish I was there. Yeah, I did, I did that. We did Lips of an Angel. We did Creep. Okay. Yeah. Am I losing? Are you? Yeah, it's starting to get. It started, it's like one, like pretty sad song felt like funny, but three is like, what kind of night were y'all having? Now I'm a little bit like, what's going on with the crew? We also did Year 3000. Yeah, I've been to the Year 3000. That's a fucking great song. It is, it's amazing. I've been big on Don't Forget About Me by Mariah Carey. Yeah. Ooh. Mariah, I love her. What are your karaoke go-tos? Walkie by Britney Spears. Yeah. Oh, what's that Panic! at the Disco song I always do, Chance? I write Sins Not Tragedies. Yeah, I write Sins Not Tragedies. Oh my God. I would genuinely do that at karaoke a lot. I would genuinely buy tickets to see you do that. Oh yeah, Trash Mountain Rap Party. I went fucking bananas on the karaoke. I was up there, dude. Michelle and Chance can verify they were there. I went really big on Any Man of Mine. By Shania Twain. Now that'll bring the fucking house down. Yeah. People sleep on Any Man of Mine. Yeah. Because man, I feel like a woman's right there. It's right there. Any Man of Mine. I pull out man, I feel like a woman. Who's bed have your boots been under? I'll pull those out. I'm stomping, I'm clapping. Yep. Yeah, I love to do that. But you gotta understand the room. Yeah, there's some rooms where you can't stomp and clap. I looked around before one of my karaoke submissions at the Trash Mountain Rap Party and I said, the girls have all stepped outside to smoke cigarettes, which they're doing again. Girls are smoking cigarettes again. Yep. Which is really, really concerning. Yeah. And it's mostly boys in the room. And I said, it's time for a pop punk song. You gotta understand, is it boys, is it girls, is it gay people, straight people? You gotta understand what you're working with. You felt my presence. Yeah. I felt you there. Yeah. I felt you there. You were not there. Right. But I felt you there. But I was whispering in. I was over your shoulder like Kronk. Yeah, in some ways. Yeah. Yeah, I had no set crushes on that movie. So it was a really fun time for me to just let loose and be myself. If I had a set crush, I'd have to behave completely differently. Yeah, but I feel like that would also, I'd work really well with a set crush, no? Be myself? Yeah. Well, it just depends, you know? There's something about letting loose on a night where you have zero intention of getting laid. Right. Yeah. Where it's just like, I'm always myself. But when I'm out on a night where I have zero intention of getting laid, I'm like, yeah, I can sweat quite a bit during I Write Sins, Not Tragedies. Yeah, of course. I can afford to flop around the stage. That's sort of me always. So I guess that's why I'm doing Iris and et cetera. See, when I think I'm getting laid, I'm acting different. When I think I'm getting laid, I'm kind of in the corner like. Type shit. I'm just like type shit. I'm being like a little cuter with it, you know? Yeah, you're nonchalant with it. Yeah, you have to be a little nonchalant on the night you think you're getting laid. You're in a relationship. This stuff doesn't even occur to you anymore. It doesn't apply. Yeah. Can I see your nonchalant look? Nonchalant look? Yeah, like. Give me a context. You're at the bar, set crush just walked in, you're posted up, few people around you. You're like trying to start a conversation with you. Okay. I'm just going to. Do you just want my nonchalant look? Like I'm just like cool because I know my crush won't be watching? Yeah, I'm the one walking in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, guys. Hey, hey, good to see you. You know where Caleb is? I just give a really dirty look. It would work sometimes. It just depends on who he is. I will say the. Or she. The message I was receiving was fear. Yeah. Oh, you thought I was scared? Yeah. Interesting. Everything's kind of falling into place now. It looked like, oh, fuck. He's here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know, it depends on how much the crush has developed. Sure. Because there's a. When you know. The really nice. Oh, God. I love a crush. When you know someone's into it, when you know you're both into it and you get to be so brazen. Sure. Do you know? Like when you have an unspoken crush but the vibe has been so clear that you're both crushing and you can just be like, hey, don't flirt with me tonight. I've got other stuff going on. I mean, that's amazing. Yeah. That shit's fun. That was a crazy line. That shit's. Oh, that works. Yeah. You don't have to worry about this stuff. You're married, but. You know, some of us are still out here. I have no doubt that that works. It's a lot of fun telling people they're not allowed to flirt with you. I like to tell guys they're not allowed to fall in love with me on a first date. I literally on a first date two weeks ago said we were like having a good time and like, you know, joking around and I go, hey, I can just already feel you're kind of starting to catch feelings and I'm no good. I feel like that only works because you're saying it. Like, I feel like that's a line that I've had to say in a self-tape about 75 times and it's not sounding quite the same. You've got to say it ironically. You've got to say it like you're in. You've got to say it. It's real life, but you've got to say it like you're in the self-tape. Sure. Also, just to be 100% clear, you and I have different circumstances. I have to have an arsenal of little lines. You have a sort of a beautiful wife. Your situation is already handled. I'm out here. You're not wrong. I'm like a traveling self-tape. I'm like a salesman. I'm going town to town, ringing a bell. Does anybody want me? It's really tough. It's really, really tough. I mean, that would. I feel like that would work if you did that in a literal way. Ring a bell? Yeah. And say who wants me? Yeah, it would attract. I know who it would attract. Right. It would attract all the. Like, yeah, there's a crew of. There's a crew of types of guys that are into me that. Would respond to the bell. Yeah, they would respond to anything. I mean, it's really. You know, it's always. It's always. It's always. The interesting thing about attraction is it's always. You always want someone and someone always wants you and it's rare that all those things are aligned. Right. Yeah. There are a lot of 60-year-old gay men in Southern Missouri that don't fucking play about me on Grindr. There are a lot of 60-year-old gay men in Southern Missouri that would drop everything for me. Yep. Unfortunately, I see them as more grandfather figures. Right. And so that's my cross to bear. If I was into old guys, it would be beautiful. Yeah? I would have owned a home when I was like 20. In that other universe, you're not in. Yeah. Not into old guys. Just into guys my age-ish and not into women, which would also be beautiful. God, being into women, I think of it all the time. Sure. How lovely it would be. Sure. Yeah. Well, you're going back home soon. Do you think you'll run into some of these grandfathers or do you have a strategy to avoid? No, no. They'll hit me up. Yeah. They'll hit me up. You know, there was one guy. I don't know if I told this on the podcast or not before yet. Stop me if I have. The guy. There was a guy in my neighborhood who messaged me every single day on Grindr for three weeks. Did I say this on here? I don't think you said it on the podcast. He said, hello, hello, every day, hello. Just hello? Every day, hello, for three weeks. Like he's answering the phone? Three weeks. Hello? Three weeks straight. Hello? Hello? Okay. Then something crazy happened. On like the 26th day, hola. He said, I'm going to switch it up. And I. And then he never messaged me again. And I think. I think every single day about what happened. said i got one more tactic i think my i've thought about many different ideas of what he thinks happened but my favorite is that he woke up on the the 26th day and he was like he's mexican like he was like oh that's why it's not breaking through this guy's mexican i just love thinking that that's what happened i wish i wish you like let it work and you were like hola you know hola i mean really shout out in many many ways you know i can't um i can't but i i do i did i did message with an older guy who lived in my building for a little bit because we saw each other in the building all the time and ignoring him felt so mean right but i knew he wanted to sleep with me and i just wanted to know about his life and then the more i tried to get to know him the more it was like the the sexual overtures continued right so i had to end that friendship but i do want to be friends with older gay men so bad is spanish coming up more often because i'm noticing that the spanish is in 75 caleb spanish so part of 75 caleb as everyone knows is that i do my spanish lesson every day and it's embarrassing to talk about with jack because he's fluent and yeah i want to know spanish it's not part of uh my love life necessarily but i would love for it to be oh you know that that was a bar i find that was beautiful you that was beautiful poetry are you reading poetry what are you ever reading poetry no not not often it's hard to do but i found some i was in when i was in portugal i found this poet a portuguese poet okay um and i started reading his stuff it was really fun i kind of i was like i like poetry that sounds incredible it was great i think i don't know where to look i didn't either i had to go to this bookstore and i had to tell a woman give me a book wow and she picked this for me and that's poetry that is poetry that is i'm considering myself a bit of a poet a million percent yeah i thought of you as a poet forever you ever writing earnest uh notes in your phone all the time yeah all the time poetry song lyrics be honest yeah yeah would you ever show me any yeah you would yeah really jack i would never show you mine i would be so scared to show you why what would i say my earnestness is a secret no it's not what folks we're all about being comfortable over here at so true studios and everyone has been loving our incredible new blanket from lola blankets people are coming in off the streets and saying what blanket is that it's so soft and pairs perfectly with your big comfy couch lola is the world's number one blanket lola is the world's number one blanket crafted with ultra soft luxury faux fur and it's so soft that it's so soft that it's so soft that it's so soft and a signature four-way stretch that sets it apart it's machine washable double hemmed for durability and stays flawless they come in a range of sizes the large is perfect for cozying up solo or with someone else and the xl is massive they call it the 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saving for that big family vacation this summer these tools are here to help tools that are here to help sounds like chance let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster join at rocketmoney.com so true that's rocketmoney.com so true rocketmoney.com so true this podcast is brought to you by squarespace squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online whether you're just starting out or scaling your business squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain showcase your offerings with a professional website grow your brand and get paid all in one place we all could use a good website in this day and age i tell you what and squarespace has so many awesome features to get yours up and running sparespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place from consultations to events and experiences you can showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments plus streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools wow get discovered fast with integrated squarespace seo tools every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto-generated sitemap and more so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers head to squarespace.com so true for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code so true to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain what else is going on brother what is so true to you right now um i know we already discussed it so we're sort of revisiting it but my so true really is if you're a good singer you shouldn't be doing karaoke wow i really believe that wow and i'm not going to do it at all you can do it you have to dumb it down for everyone else yeah you have to come down to our level yeah intentionally sing a little bit badly i know you know how to do it yeah don't give us the full voice you know you go out of your range be a little bad for us yeah scream a little bit lose your voice yeah you can't you can't be seeming like you're about to get an agent at the karaoke bar yeah that that is just it's just upsetting can i say i almost disagree sure not because i i i i i want to agree so much but i'm not going to agree so much but i'm going to agree so badly but then i think of the people i know who need that so badly right it's all they have yeah it's like going and killing at karaoke is all they have and then i go damn maybe we just let them have it yeah you know kind of like when you give a dog a cheeseburger the day you're gonna kill it do you know what i'm saying like when you're your dogs obviously that was more fucked up than i realized it's like on the day that your dog gets euthanized you let him have it's kind of like that with people it's like if you're a professional singer yeah it's exactly like that but if you're a civilian and this is all you got let them body a musical theater tune if they're never going to step foot on broadway i agree i think it could just be beautiful you swayed me no no i want you're so true to stand i do think i will say so there are some famous musicians i know that go do karaoke full out and i go come on man yeah you have literal shows for this where this happens right don't do this well it's like and i feel like the beauty of it i feel like most people have my experience which is i'm a bad singer and then i try my best to sing well at karaoke and that is the exact sound you're wanting yeah someone who can't do it trying their best to do it are you a bad singer are you being a little humble i think i'm a bad singer yeah earnestly yeah but you saw me sing in pizza movies so it's actually up to you uh that was fishing for this i didn't like that yeah it was terrible i didn't like filming that scene actually because took forever i was like i was like oh jack's doing such a good job but i wish it was over it was really long that singing scene because in the movie it's like they get like animations and shit yeah in the filming of it we're just like yeah you guys all had to sit there while i sang the same few lines over and over really listening to it no it was beautiful it was beautiful in that it was so not sounding right it was beautiful in that you did it so perfectly for the character earnestness yeah if you will best singing um i don't know i think it was the first time in my life i've sang in front of people which is crazy really i didn't think it was comically bad jack hey so i gotta tell you you might be wrong about your singing abilities maybe i mean i want to i guess now we need to go to karaoke yeah and i need you to do your i have been begging you to go to karaoke with me for a really long time you have never asked me once that's that's actually not the truth ellen when did you ask me to go to karaoke listen if i have to pull up the text i'll pull up the texts i've been i've been dying for karaoke with my boy i'm tempted to let you you've asked me to go to a lot of creed concerts yeah that's true that's come up a lot but i learned last night that that i really didn't understand anything about creed so so i want to tell you guys last night jack and i are walking through chinatown and i don't know how it comes up jack's sort of always bringing up creed but it comes up and i don't know you said something about like it came up that basically i was like oh yeah creed's a christian band and and jack was like no they're not and i was like jack they're the one of the most christian bands that has ever done music i was floored and then you're and then jack just walking through chinatown was like i can take you higher like like putting together all of the christian creed lyrics it was really funny to a place where blind men see really funny my genuine entire exposure to creed was when it was like a meme on tiktok and they were just playing like a few words of that one song and i was like oh that's funny was that your first exposure oh see i grew up white trash i grew up white trash in missouri so i actually kind of was uh died in the wall i'm not gonna pretend i'm above this when i say my first concert was dotry i fucking love dotry awesome i to this day love dotry yeah well i i really really badly wanted him to win american idol yeah and i had the american idol gamecube game where you sing along yeah and i would pretend to be dotry and i would try to try to win on his his like heavy divorced dad rock music yeah who won that the year that he didn't win i don't remember remember i think i blocked it out it was really upsetting yeah trauma for you yeah genuinely i love dotry i love and also people love to clown on white guys making music like that it's a lot better that we have them doing that it's a lot better that we have them doing that's what we need to have have them doing it including myself every one of those kind of white guys should be in the studio screaming into the mic yep don't let them out in public doing their other stuff yeah it's an outlet it's an outlet it's like a rage room for their voice yes let them have it and let us listen i like listening yeah i like puddle of mud i like all that stuff chance who won the year chris dotry lost taylor hicks unreal don't say that don't say that name around me just fucking cut that yeah yeah i can't have that out there damn i love knowing this about you where'd you see dotry live so it was in maryland at the merryweather post pavilion if you will i don't know it and i apologize and he was opening for nickelback that sounds awesome and as soon as he was opening for nickelback he was opening for nickelback and he was opening for nickelback as soon as nickelback came on we went home what yeah we yeah we were there for dotry and i really wanted to see dotry and then he got off the stage and i was like okay i think that's that bad enough jack it's time to call it a night you didn't stay for nickelback well i was also like 10 and i was like getting pretty scared what was scaring you just the noise yeah yeah i was getting dark and there's a lot of people it was getting dark i made my parents take me home guys i gotta get out of here your parents are secretly like fucking fucking kids free to the dark we don't get to see nickelback that was your picture but whatever not your parents vibe at all really funny can you imagine my parents out of shape over missing nickelback really funny damn maybe that's what you guys can do in michigan i would do anything with them they're special to me and i know that's true they're very special to me i would do anything literally with them they're so nice it makes you wonder yeah how'd this happen how you and maddie turned out to be so toxic yeah toxico yeah well it was the the internet that corrupted us yeah yeah what was your relationship to the internet growing up were you really on there i i watched i watched your sketches on tiktok from an early an early age people you do you do forget i was i was i was an original fan i was a very early fan they're very early so um what you said to me just now because what really hurts is you were a teenager when i started making content and so there's some viability to it i actually i'm comedy moves so quick and i i remember when i started kind of popping off in comedy i remember the look on i won't say their names because i don't want to make i don't want to make them sound they weren't being mean but there were a couple of comedians that i really looked up to that were young and like still starting out in their career but they had been making stuff for five six years and i was like a teenager watching their stuff and i remember the looks on their face when i told them like i used to watch you in high school like i love your stuff i'm like is that what i just did and they were like well kind of and they were like 27 and they were like uh thank you and this happened to me recently a former improv teacher of mine texted me and was like i go around my class and ask everyone like their biggest comedic influences every semester and like three of my students this year said you and i was like i know you thought that was sweet but to me that was just like you're rapping on the door of death caleb you're almost done well i do i do say it sincerely because you really are the funniest person alive and i mean that and i mean that from the bottom of my heart come on but you know what did happen to me recently tell me now this weekend i was at a wedding and this guy i really don't know very well i met him one other time pulls me aside and he says hey uh man i meant to tell you um my sister really wanted me to say to you that she's been a fan of you since 2020 when you were funny i was like so i'm gonna kill you what he pulled me aside to say that on behalf of his sister who wasn't there that's all that's my least favorite always when when some when some straight guy is like dude my girlfriend loves you i'm like we'll either call her or leave me the fuck alone what are you doing i also i had another instance where i was out with a group of friends and they brought like a guy along who was just like kind of a nightmare objectively never met him and and and he he pulls me over when when i get in the room he's like dude i love your videos man i was like oh thank you he's like all right chill not like that i'm not like a fan or something i said thank you i was just being in 2020 when you were funny is crazy it was really crazy it's a brutal read yeah it's also yeah i mean whatever whatever that's that but that's really fucking funny to say to somebody have you ever had an interaction like that oh plenty i but the thing is my most hurtful things are almost always from my actual fans right like i think i've said this on here before but i played like i think it was maybe after i played like the chicago theater a fan of mine saw me like the next day and maybe it was chicago maybe it was a different it was my last theater tour which was only for the first time in my life i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i will say completely sold out and she like stopped me at a coffee shop like the day after the show she was like i was at your show last night i just want to say like please please please hang in there like i really think you're gonna make it it was was being so earnest and i'm like i'm playing theaters i was just like what are you talking about i just got out of the theater i was like baby i think i did like i don't know what your version of making it is but i'm like i feel really good but it's it's so crazy and the thing is she was a sweetheart she meant it she was she was legitimately like you fucking do it brother yeah i mean that's brutal that's my fans are always humbling me in that way which is good and for the best but it's always it's never really hate comments but i feel like you are a very humble guy well you know and it's there's a reason it's because these are my fans how could i not be with fans like these who needs enemies yeah i yeah but all the time stuff like that are all how to behave when they meet someone that they know from their phone right and so yeah it's stuff like that that they'll say something and i'm sure maybe not him but i'm sure oftentimes people who say things like that feel kind of badly right but they go fuck i messed that up yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah when you were funny in 2020 as well when you were funny in 2020 is actually merch you should get you should legitimately tell your team right now get get on the phones we need merch that says i was a fan of jack martin's when he was funny in 2020 i'll wear it immediately that is so fucking funny yeah that does feel like something that a controversial celebrity would wear in like 2015 really cool and that we would bring back now maybe i got industry plan allegations recently really oh my god how do you feel about that i'm just compliment there is i'm over the moon about it i can't stop i'm just like giddy sometimes when i think about it i kick my feet who who planted you you think i don't know but i just love the idea it would be so much better for me if i was an industry plant my actual story is so much more humiliating i like i post on this about this on subsec but i'm like it's actually way worse i took improv seriously it would be so much cooler to be planted uh but i love that i was like wow industry plant allegations really feels like that's the good stuff yeah i think i think it's an awesome like alter your ego to develop it means it means the world to me and i hope that people will continue to propagate that i'm like i'm picturing the guy who's like one of those in the biopic that turns out to be like the super evil guy that's like actually trying to ruin your career yeah he's just like planning out the so true podcast and special and everything pizza movie don't be a pizza movies in there yeah yeah part of the plan part of the plan build me up to break me down build me up to get me high off pizza movie yeah bring me back down yeah yeah right back down yeah where i got to play the only 31 year old in the movie can't stress that enough i do i every time i talk to nick and brian since then i bring it up i mean it's the fun it's objectively one of the funniest things just the character needing to be introduced as so you understand i took a never before invented gap decade first word first words he says it's it's so paramount to his being here that we can't see him for an instant without him having mentioned it it would completely take you out of this movie where people time travel and go into other dimensions yeah there's a uh what is it 17 minute segment of the film where their heads explode as they say curse words i couldn't be 27 there's a fully sentient robot that goes into space best part of the movie by the way oh my god icon best part the movie snack-a-tron need come on need felt attracted to 100 snack-a-tron my shame by that my type there's your kink for the sequel to be into snack-a-tron yeah yeah being into robots i do think there's something very special about that do you ever watch lars and the real girl no great film you actually should watch lars and the real girl okay actually all jokes aside i know we kid around a lot on here you should watch lars and the real girl it's kind of beautiful okay he it's ryan gosling yeah um and basically the whole town endures his delusions until he gets over it it's fucking awesome it's completely fucking awesome it's a great ryan gosling role one of his best that's what the girl who said i i hope you make it to you thought was happening yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she's like we just gotta keep making him believe he's somebody until he comes out of it until he comes out of it i just don't understand how that happens because if she's a fan of you she sees like you're like in devil where is prada at the premiere like you're crushing it objectively i mean in her defense this was a year ago so none of that had happened maybe she really look i love it i think the two the coolest things that can happen to you if you're me are industry plant allegations and olympic allegations i think those are the chicest things that can happen yeah yeah and i'm i'm just loving i'm just loving that what about secret nepo baby secret nepo baby no that erases a lot of really bad stuff i went through yeah that's fair being the worst thing that ever happened to me and i want people to know that it happened right right right yeah i'm not interested in erasing that yeah um but i think secret nepo baby i kind of like nepo babies yeah i think they're a lot of fun sure i really do i think it's chic i met a nepo baby once who was writing a script about how everyone was hunting down and trying to kill nepo babies yeah and the point of the movie was that you feel really bad for them i like that and he was going around just pitching it to everyone that would listen that's the cool thing about nepo babies is they they're legitimately most of them fucking insane and i also love that most of us are so uh jealous uh punishing and petty that we've stretched nepo baby to be like the most the widest broadest definition you can imagine right like i remember they were really trying to come after allison williams i was like i don't know her dad has a ton of pull just to be honest i don't think he was involved in the casting of hbo girls i just love how it's such a broad because we're such an envious like mean-spirited kind of nasty society or we will extend any insult we can to anybody that'll fit it yeah and nepo baby is getting really funny yeah it's getting really funny my character in the show is a nepo baby really hey crazy tie-in yeah you never told me that yeah his uh his dad's a billionaire who owns a media company and he can't get a job at the company until he name drops his dad and that's how his arc starts in the show so is part of it that he tried to do it without the dad yeah yeah he gets kind of sweet he goes to the movies he goes to the movies he goes to the movies he goes to his interview he's like very excited he's very earnest gets brutally rejected in the room sees the guy who's the boss in the hallway and shakes his hand and name drops his dad's name and gets a job isn't that cool yeah i wish i had that kind of situation i mean would be incredible i'm not above it at all i would love more power to him yes yes go get that job at the company brother go get it no worries yeah when's the show come out uh june 2nd uh june 2nd hell yeah are you i am really excited yeah it was really really fun i uh i mean shooting here was insane that was so cool i feel like nothing shoots here anymore i know so that was a gift that's cool as fuck um and we're all friends which is amazing i'm i'm literally running a campaign to get you in the show hey tell me to give me a call not one not one phone call came through during season one and that's so i want to say i don't stand by that at all mindy you're asleep at the wheel just kidding girl i love you um that's so fun dude i'm so excited for you thank you you deserve the world i'm excited for you king are you kidding don't you're so amazing and jack one how dare you try to try to slick turn that back on me that's a disgusting habit that was a sickening sickening move that you did don't do that i'm very excited for you i can't wait to see the show uh is there even one person you worked with on it that you didn't like no genuinely do you imagine i really love them all i wrote every single person a card every person who worked on it yeah how many was it a lot it was an insane amount i didn't even get some to some people because i missed them and i couldn't find them so i just have these cards in my bag i gotta say i did that after trash mountain yeah i wrote 137 thank you cards okay well you got me beat in that no no no let me tell you something it won't be happening again i found the limits of my gratitude and i uh passed them from now on everyone will be getting a very sincere handshake it is funny when you see those sayings like inspirational quotes on instagram that are like there's no limits to gratitude the more gratitude you have the more gratitude you get and then you know that happens you're like actually that's not true at all it went in waves it was like the 25th thank you card i was like you're killed you're one of the best guys you know i was really i was really building myself up i was like this is you know that is how it feels it was it was like you know you're just one of you're just different man you're just one of these guys that like you don't think about this stuff the way that other people do you just you're in gratitude you're in your gratitude bag in a way that's unbelievable at about card 70 i was like you don't have to be this good and legitimately when i hit 100 i'm fucking quotes about uh martyrdom like yeah suicidal empathy i'm like looking for a cross to nail myself too i'm like you do not have to crawl through the desert you do not have to be good yeah so that's exactly how i felt yeah yeah it's fucked up i won't be doing it again everyone on trash mountain i hope you enjoyed your thank you cards uh didn't hear back from most of the people that i wrote to which makes complete sense no one gets it more than i do um and yeah in future projects it'll just be uh thank you guys yep yep yeah can't do it needs to happen can't do it i mean i guess the movie about my dead dad was the time to do it but right not again i'm very excited for that movie thanks dude i'm excited too um okay june 2nd show comes out yes king june 3rd your life changes forever forever june 4th you switch up on everybody yeah i have a list of my day ones that i'm never gonna speak to again june 5th you switch up on people that you haven't even met yet yeah june 6th my mom's birthday and and i know it so you give her a call and that's in the calendar 75 jack 75 jack is where you switch up on everyone but my mom it's gonna do wonders for me i can't wait for your switch up dude i've been waiting on it and i i felt like you deserved it a while ago to be honest thank you i was ready for you to switch up after labrea yeah you didn't really do it right and now i'm ready for the switch up yeah now now it's time i want to see you go off on people how would you like me to switch up on you uh you can switch up on me however you want it won't it won't phase me i'll bring you back i'll get you back yeah yeah i'm gonna let you go for what you know someone said i can't remember who but um someone a couple years ago said that when your friend gets really famous you should give them three years to be a psycho and if they come back you accept them and if they don't they're gone forever right i'm gonna give you your three years thank you just a june 3rd yep 2026 to june 3rd 2029 on june 4th 2029 i want you back the switch up is over switch up is over we're switching up up we're switching back yeah to the way things were before switching down we're switching down we're switching down we're switching down and i want you to come back to me i want you to be the old jack but i want you to have those three years i want you to go to all those nauseating parties we get invited to i want you to wear weird shit yeah i want you to be in couture that does not look good or make sense develop a british accent somehow i want that yeah i want you to develop a voice for a character that you can't get out of right i want that the beard's the beginning i want you to be really strange in public yeah and during this by the way during this three years i'll be on my bad boy era yeah i'm gonna be you know i'm gonna be fucking mean to jimmy fallon these are very complimentary by the way on his show do i these are very complimentary yeah you're being like an obnoxious prick i'm being uh like a druggie you know it's fine they're like they're like what happened on the set of pizza movie yeah whoa you know and they'll point to that is where it all started and there's like an eat true hollywood story about both of us yeah and our mutual tailspins yeah there'll be a photo of you as the grinch in a diaper in black and white with like the flashing effect coming on the screen yeah yeah i want that yeah the ken burns pull out yes yeah i see all of this for us it's gonna be so good i'm very excited for the show i can't wait to stream it thank you king i would watch it in real life if they would let me if they were putting it in theaters i'd be there i mean should we put TV shows and theaters? Is anyone doing that? I would love that. That'd be cool as fuck. We need to open a theater that only plays TV shows. Oh my god, imagine a Sopranos marathon in a theater. Ooh, I'm gonna cry, because actually that's not fucking funny to me. One of our fattest of all time TV shows. Some of the fattest people you've ever seen. And it's perfect. Some of the fattest people you've ever seen, and they had, I mean, they did beat the gay guy to death with a pipe, but he was gay for a while before that. He was gay for a while before that, and fat. God, and they all had cool as fuck names. Extremely cool names. We should reboot Sopranos. Yeah, you and me? Yeah, you be Tony, I'll be Pauly. Yeah, I think we could do that. Who would be Carmella? I guess Lily. Yeah. So Lily's Carmella. And then. Oh god, Christopher? Timothee Chalamet. Yeah, he'd do good at that. Yeah. He'd do good as Christopher in our Sopranos reboot. Okay, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's Christopher. And then, who else do we need in there? Well, I'm worried about AJ. AJ? Oh, uh, Gaten. Yeah, it's obviously. Oh, he'd be so good! And Meadow, I think we go. I think we go interesting. I think we go way older. I think we just make a different choice and go, she's a way older sister. I think we go, like, Laurie Metcalf. Yes. Yeah. Laurie Metcalf as Meadow in our Sopranos reboot would legitimately. Sorry, people would tune in. It would change lives. It would change fucking lives. I want to be Pauly, but I want to be. less pathetic if that's okay i know that's his whole deal but you could be pauline just a completely different guy yeah yeah yeah i'm never gonna say i mean instead of saying do you hear that tea i'm gonna say like i'm gonna say like i don't care if you heard that tea i'm gonna say stuff like that i'm actually secure myself i actually like my joke tea yeah i've been reading a lot of books and i'm really not worried about your opinion yeah and you'll be tony yeah we'll kill people together and i'll be in cold cuts i'm keeping that oh yeah that was cool when he would do that shit. So sick. He was doing some of the coolest fat guy shit ever. Just right out of the fridge with the hands. Taking down like a billion cold cuts in his boxers. I am going to be honest, when I saw that show, I started doing that. Oh yeah. I bought a bunch of cold cuts. I bought like all the ones he mentions in the show and I put them in the fridge and I would get up and I go downstairs and I'd be in the fridge. You're one of the coolest guys I know. You're one of my best friends in the whole world. I really would die for you. Because the thing is, I know you're not kidding. I know you did, brother. And I fucking love that. Hell yeah. That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Hey, what can I say? You want to play a game? Yes. Okay. Stay put. Don't go anywhere. Can you tell me before we play the game, am I supposed to take this game seriously or am I supposed to play it ironically? Because the first time I was on the show, I played it ironically and then halfway through, I realized I was supposed to take it seriously. You can play it however you want, buddy. Okay. It's your life. I'm just living in it. That was a life-changing answer. What I can tell you is, I'm not going to play it. I'm not going to play it. What I can tell you is, most people really, really try. Okay. And most people don't succeed. Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements, Jack. Got it. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. You get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. I know. I know. Okay. Like some protein shakes. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Jupiter has 115 moons. True. True. Japan's headquarter, or sorry. Well, no. No, it's true. It's true. Halsey's real first name is Ashley. Whose? Halsey. True. It's true. Lead is denser than gold. True. It's false. Damn it. McLean, Virginia currently has a population of 50,773. McLean, Virginia? McLean, Virginia. Where I'm from? Yeah. Has a population of what? 50,773. False. True. Fuck. Russell Crowe has been to all seven continents. True. That is false. No hung. True. False. No. Five? That's like. No. Ostriches have the largest eyes of any land animal. True. That is true. Yes. The chemical symbol for potassium is P. False. True. False. K. Fuck. Georgetown's mascot is John the Bulldog. Jack the Bulldog. False. Yeah, false. It's Jack the Bulldog. Potatoes originated in South America. True. That is true. Dexter's laboratory is older than Jimmy Neutron. True. True. True. A tetagon has ten sides. False. False. It's a decagon. Vampire bats are real animals. True. True. Let's go. Only seven Hall of Famers have played for the Baltimore Ravens. True. It's true. Yeah. I'm going to hold on this one. Ten. Wow. You want no reaction at all. Wait, Jack's reaction to winning. I forgot what the number was. Was it ten? Ten or more. Unreal. Oh, my God. By the skin of your teeth, brother. If you had gotten me with that, that psychological trick at the end, I would have been cooked. I get a lot of people with my eyes. You do. I also give a lot away by reading the question wrong. What chance? Can I just editorialize here? You said Tokyo's headquarters is in Japan. It's Toyota's headquarters is in Japan. Well, it felt true to me. So, so he got it anyway. And yeah, I'm not really always good at reading the questions. And you know what? I'll go as far to say Tokyo's headquarters is in Japan. Hello. Tell me Tokyo's not headquartered in Japan. You can't bitch. Come on. Chance. Don't ever chime in. Don't ever chime in like that again. Chance. God, you see, it's impossible to find good help these days. It's unbelievable. I've known this guy since we were kids. He's so out of line. He's completely out of line. He needs to be hit, but you're not allowed to anymore due to woke. You can't strike your staff anymore due to woke and other social ills. It sucks. Oh my God. I miss the day when you used to be able to just member of your staff. Just get one of these. I miss when chance wasn't woke. I know you actually, you actually haven't been on chances. Woke journey. Like I have chances been woke on woke. He's been up. He's been down is a real sick individual. Yeah. Yeah. Chance was more woke than me at a certain point. Really? Yeah. Certainly not the truth anymore. No, he outflanked me from the left at one point. Do you actually know what chance said before this recording today? He said, he said, I'll admit it. Something I do when I think someone's lying about a GoFundMe is I check to see how little money they made and I get happy and I go, told you so. That's the kind of guy he is. That's yeah. That's, that's despicable. I got chills. I got full body chills. You can't, yeah. You hire a hillbilly heterosexual from Missouri like this and you get, you get what you pay for. He was saying some stuff to me about you that I can't repeat about me. Yeah. Oh, I don't. If I respected his opinion at all, it'd probably hurt. No, chance is a good boy. He's a good egg. Love you. Chance is a good egg. Chance. We love you. And I love both of you. Hey, don't just, we're on the mics. Yeah. Sorry. No, Jack, that wasn't a note for you. It was a note for chance. He'll, he'll receive punishment later. I have a bucket of ice water. I pour on him when he misbehaves. No, no, no. Jack, is there anything you want to tell people where they can find you? Uh, not suitable for work. June 2nd, Hulu and Disney plus. That was good. It was good. And on Instagram, uh, real Jack Martin, real Jack Martin on Instagram. Are you still on Tik TOK? Yeah, that's just Jack Martin. Real Jack Martin started as a joke and then it was too late. And now you're a public figure. Yeah. Now I just look like a, we're completely fucked. Yeah. Oh, don't worry. I started. Caleb says things as like a blog when I was like, uh, 18. And then, uh, everything just happened too quickly. I was like, I'm not quickly. And there was no way out. Right. And now I'm Caleb says things disgusting and humiliating. I have had friends of mine in real life be like, Oh, you know, Caleb says things. Yeah. That makes me fucking sick. Yeah. It makes me completely ill on Instagram by the way, which is a photo sharing app. Right. Right. Rarely a word is spoken. Yeah. So I'm a fucking Rube and I've paid a massive price. I love you dude. Thanks for doing it. Well, yeah, that's what I want to say to you is I love you more than anything. You're the funniest person ever. I can't thank you enough for having me on. You're the greatest. It's too much. You're too kind to me. It's true. Jack Martin, everybody. You can only find it sunglass hut to give you that confidence boost to own your moment. This year, sunglass hut also offers a premium shopping experience. Simply visit a participating store, visit sunglass hut and find your perfect pair of shades. Summer. Sunglass Hut. Own your moment.