It's time to play for keeps

What's happening beautiful people is to church or what's happened now? New Testament June the 30th, the last Tuesday of the month. I'm sitting here with my buddy, fucking Johnny Hitler. I'm saying he's back for another fun filled episode on a beautiful Tuesday morning. What's going on Doctor? I thought I looked Johnny and the Jewish Kato or whatever you used to call me Johnny Hitler. Johnny Hitler. That's a good name for you. Johnny Hitler. Is Hitler's cousin or something? That's not even. He don't have to be related. What do you mean he doesn't have to be related? Just Johnny Hitler. That's it. I'm so sorry to assume. That's your new street name. Johnny Hitler. Why? Because I'm Jewish. The cops will be feds listening. They'll never. Who are they talking about? He's got to be a fucking German. Nah. Do you think I want me so I'm throwing them off for you? I appreciate it. Do you think in whatever 15, 16 years, the feds ever were like listening at some point? With all the crazy shit we were doing for a couple of weeks, they had a tune in and go, "What the fuck? Where is society going?" They must. Whenever I watch a movie or a TV show about crime, that always bloat like when the American gangster, when like Denzel is doing all that shit, but they're building a case and he has no idea that that gives me stuff. Freaks me out so much. They're building the case against you. What is Johnny Hitler? He wasn't doing anything. Johnny Hitler did something. Oh, did that. Hitler did something though. It's fucking crazy. I was. I am. It's just moving. How the fuck is it? June 29th or ready? I know. You just got married. December. It was six months. Two days ago. That's fucking you. I know. Yeah. Thursday is 26 years, me and Terry. Wednesday. Oh shit. One of our first date, the Lake Habersoo. I thought it was 25 years, like a three weeks ago. Jesus. It's 26 years. That was your first date, Lake Habersoo? Yeah. Fuck. July the 1st is also when I left Boulder. That's been 31 years. No, I left Boulder June 25th a week before July 1st. Do you like write these names down? Like I just keep them in my fucking mind because I was telling you about that first time. I got like I was explaining to leave that sometimes bookers, it's not that they don't like you. It's that they're being overwhelmed. And then you know, you have your friends call them. Nickel call, Georgia call, the guy you're on the guy's radar. But one night he's going to be sitting there. It's going to be 8 o'clock at night and he's going to call somebody going, Hey, I can't do the next two weeks. And he's got a hustle. Well, guess what? Guess who's been calling them every week looking for work. Yeah. Hopefully. Me. So he called me at 9 o'clock at night and said, Listen, you're leaving tomorrow for Ogden Utah. I don't even know what Ogden Utah, I don't even know Ogden Utah existed. Okay. So I still remember leaving that morning and I for some reason I had two drivers license. Same name. Like I lost one. I asked for a repeat and the other one was still good. Like there was two licenses in my wallet. Got it. Okay. I'll never forget that I'm like I ain't paying for gas because I didn't have that much gas. To get to Ogden. I had like, well, if I borrowed like 40 bucks to get to Utah and that includes food from Seattle. No, from Boulder. From Boulder. Got it. That's a 12-hour fucking drive in those days. Okay. And you can get there on 40 bucks a gas in my demented cocaine, felonious mind. Yeah. At that time, you think I think I had 60 bucks, but the point is, when I stopped at that gas station, I filled up the guy was looking at me and he's like, this motherfucker, he ain't got to pay. I was going to pay, but he was right. I wasn't going to pay. I did a bunch of these things and I go, hold on one second. Hold on. I left my wallet at the house and he goes, what do you live? I go right down the corner here, taking my license. I didn't need that license. You know what I'm saying? So I never went back. I lived there for another year and I drove past that gas station and got gas there. The guy never recognized me again. Jesus. Dude, I can't, it blows my mind that they used to just pump your gas without you paying them first. You wouldn't even, this is, this is 1995, that's 31 fucking years ago, the world was a lot different. Yeah. No. Yeah. And those days, you went up to the window and you knocked and you said $30 regular. You pumped and then on the way out, you paid the guy, something like that. It was like, I'm excellent. Do you think that like part not only because of you, but like partially because of you is why we don't have these things anymore? Like they make you prepaid, you can't throw me under the bus, I'm not, I'm not the only criminal I thought this shit up. Somebody else thought it up, right, then they cut it out. I just started, one day I went into a store to buy something and on the way out, I looked at a line and it was all these people returning shit. I mean, they'd buy like a fucking sweater for winter time. I don't know if you can, there was a huge line, 30 people with receipts in their hands and shit. And I got my soul and whatever the fuck I got my sweat and I stood to the side and I watched these people. And they were just returning shit and everybody had a story. My wife got me this, it doesn't fit. You have the receipt. Yeah. And then it was like two or three people that would say we lost a receipt. And then I figured out if it was January, you have to mid February to tell me you lost your receipt for Christmas. After that, you can't sell, you know, you can't go in in April, my mother got me this for Christmas. I don't need it. I don't have a receipt for it. So I figured that out first. That all that one moment, I figured that out, it was 1993. I was a fucking starving comic. I was living back in Colorado and it just hit me. It hit me like two weeks before Christmas. And I was stealing coffee machines that express the machines were really big. So me and my friends' wife would drive every day to Westminster or another part of Denver and we parked the car by the door. And meanwhile, we'd walk out the coffee machine over to the door without nobody seeing us. Then we'd walk out, walk in, grab it and put it in the car. We could do two of those a day. How much would you get for a coffee machine? 200. Because there were 450. Damn. At the time. 200, when you were starving, and you rent this 400 a month, 200 a month on a Wednesday, that's a score. All right. So that's how we looked at it. She was feeding her kids and her husband and I was stealing from my comedy career. Basically, this failed. Well, that's the excuse I gave myself. You understand? I can't even feel like you get the coffee machine. Where are you selling this? Are you going door to door? I even steal it. I already go to Nick. What do you get your mother for Christmas? I don't know. I'm in a car expressing machine. I was thinking about that. Listen, down there they got a Nesca Fey one, with all the cups and all. And at this time, there was no Nesca Fey, but whatever the Nesca Fey was, it's 459 plus 6, how about I have to get by 5 o'clock for 200. Deal? Wow. Where you getting it from? I'm going to rob it. Don't worry about that. I'm going to get it. Sure enough. 530. I'm there with a box for you. And I got an extra one. And Nick's going to go, you know what? Give me that one. Because I could sell that one for $400 myself. I worked them. Wow. But. Then I go, why am I walking out of these places and becoming a wholesaler? So I got to the point, well, I would just walk in, go to a coffee machine, make believe I was walking to a register, you know, and go right on the fucking returning one. Why is this? I lived on that guy's embarrassing from 94 to June 95. Then I would do it on the road on triple runs, I'd go into a weight game art and go, I bought these pair of mats and I'd ready. You know, and they would give me like 35 bucks, but they would say next time they started getting suspicious. I would do it in all the fucking time. I needed money. I would just go into one of those playful, we go on a dinner time, yeah, hold on one second. And I would go into one of those fucking places. And then I would get the, the Jeffrey bucks from, you're the reason they close toys are us. Boys are us. I will start going to Jeffrey. Now, when you return something, they give you Jeffrey bucks, but if it's 82 hours and you get my 100 and Jeffrey bucks, they'll give you 18 back. So that's what I would do. I would shop lift shit, get Jeffrey bucks and then buy shit for your kid or anybody's kid. I didn't give a fuck right and just whatever. It's amazing. They don't even walk out of the fucking store unless they're really watching you on the camera. You're walking towards the fucking register, they even have cameras back there. Oh, yeah. I mean, they weren't like they are now that they see you breathing and they take pictures of you. And your name pops up on the screen now, but that cameras. And then every once in a while, there was a good security guard that would call up and go check his ID. You knew when they, you know, you got up and then what you just leave would bring, huh? But you just leave like, oh, I never got stopped doing one of those fucking things. What happened ever? And towards December of '94, let me tell you how much money I was making. I was pulling down like two grand a day during the holidays because I still remember going to comedy works and smoking some bad ass weed and I got to the front of the date. The guy goes because I was a comic but not a comedy works guy at the time. The guy was a dick and he charged me and when I took the money out I paid and left it on the count of eighteen hundred bucks and I wasn't mad. I wasn't going to get that in the morning. You just forgot the money. I was so fucked in my eye. Oh my god. She had to pay for drinks and the fucking popcorn or whatever the fuck we ate. Oh I would still be pissed about that now but if you didn't do Coke you'd be like a billionaire right now. To make two grand a day during the holidays and then be. I mean I would start December 15th and go straight to. I still remember going to work at John Always jeep store and in the afternoon all the guys went to the movies and I would go hold on with second and I'd go to like a place get a pair of shoes bring them up to the count and they'd give me like ninety dollars and I would go to the movies. This went on for fucking years. Am I ashamed of myself? Fuck yeah but you know what? You got to pay attention. And you never thought about like selling merch on the road or anything? Like you could have made money and like it's crazy like to do stand up. You had to rob. Let me explain some to you. When we were growing up and I was young once a week somebody you knew or your family looked walked by your house and said hey you want to buy a TV or gold chains or sweaters or sneakers or shoes or fireworks all that shit was stolen okay. All that shit was stolen. They were robbing right here in sea caucus and pull the truck over and you got the flavor of the day. Sometimes it was AM radios with the little things. Every day was a different adventure. People bought it. It was part of our society in this area. You try that shit outside this area. Even if you drop your pants just give me 50 bucks. They still want to it. They don't know that world. So it was very I found out quick and then but at least I knew somebody was a player in Boulder they weren't going to go for and there wasn't too many players in Boulder. So it was so much fun. It was just because if I walked out there would be theft over 200 bucks. But if I didn't walk out of there and they caught me bringing it back it wasn't really theft. It was like light fraud or something. I forget what you call it. Not light fraud. It's called something. Eddie Frauder. Eddie Fraud. No. Petty. What about last name? Petty Larson. Yeah. They give you a ticket. They smack you in the hand. You don't show up. This would be his six months. Do you ever do they show you that stuff on Instagram? I don't know what it is. Instagram all day shows me people getting arrested for like shoplifting or or like and they always pretend it's my face. That's because you're Jewish. Oh, you know, if you're on the Jewish store like if you saw burritos you couldn't handle people stealing shit. So they just fuck with you a little bit. I saw a great one yesterday of speaking of Jewish. This Jewish this Hasidic dude ran out of gas. This dude on a motorcycle got a water bottle full of gas for him so it could fill up. They took him to the gas station and the Jewish guy wouldn't fill up because the gas station was too expensive. He literally just ran out of gas. I find the most amazing body cam stuff. Does that like does that make you happy at all watching people get arrested or? No, no, no. It's a dumbest fucking thing in the world. Oh, I love it. It's like watching cops. You're there for 20 minutes. You only watch cops when you're in jail. When you're in jail on a Sunday, everybody watches cops. Yeah. But if I'm not in jail, why would I don't want to watch cops? I used to love watching cops. These fat people getting arrested when handcuffs they can't breathe. I don't know about that shit. How about that shit? You know, did you ever, do they ever do the double handcuffs for you? Like when you were in Seattle, do you? What time in Seattle? I did. Because my shoulders wouldn't go all the way back and shit. I did that myself. I did an XC at nine in the morning. I got arrested at like 12 fucking craziness. I was a Josh wolf. And I'm like, Josh, let's take this at XC at nine. He's like, what are you fucking crazy where you at it? I took it anyway. The beautiful Monday morning. I got arrested because I was hiding under the chick's bed, but the cops came. That's my and the bedgip going up and down. Going up and down. This shit fucking, you know, this only happens for mutton county. This don't happen to normal people. Like Brody said, people don't live our lives like this. What do you say? On the car. You know, people don't live like this. People don't live like this, but I was thinking of a Brody the other day. I was thinking of my mom today. I don't know why something happened. Oh, something. I read that. I always remember that shit. Like people don't live like this. I might do something like I got somebody off of something. I might people don't live like this. Very interesting, though, what happened last week. Talked about on stage a little while. I just couldn't make a joke of it, yet. Bro, I pull for everybody. You know what I mean? Like, I pull from Michael Vick, even though I love dogs and my son has a real guy. In my heart, I pull from Michael Vick because I knew he was young, and he was stupid. And he was just trying to fit in with his fucking pals. And that's what happened. It's going on with Jamal Runt now. You know, Jamal Runt's going to kill somebody. Is this something happened? Jesus. Because that's the life his buddies live. And he finances all their shit. It's like when the Dallas Cowboys were winning. They were winning, but people didn't know it was they were moving pounds of weed. The Dallas Cowboys really hard to weed. You know, it was a fucking organization. A weed they had. And Texas and all through Mexico. Yeah. I forget who the players were, but yeah. You know, so these people, you know, you're still always a fucking criminal like me. You know, you can't change your stripes. Yeah. Look at Aaron Hernandez. Yeah. You just know how to sharpen the corners a little bit. You know, you just learn how to sharpen the corners a little bit. But sometimes you sharpen the corners and somebody or something steps into your life. And now you have to play for keeps and you play real and you go, you know what? The charade is old. I pull for everybody, bro. When I think the toughest job in America is somebody making a mistake and going to prison and coming out and finding out the world just turns their back on you. Except for your parents, you got the one grandmother, you know, that sticks it out with you. Even though you robbed the rate times and shit, you know, it's rough. It's really rough. So I remember years ago, when I first moved here, a politician that's big into that in Jersey City, hit me up and we were talking on like Facebook or some one of his guys. I've always been interested in that. He's taken somebody who's done something. I don't want to talk to a rapist or nothing like that. I want to talk to another of those people. But somebody who does like an armed robbery or somebody who gets the good criminals. Yeah. Somebody. Oh, they're almost thanks of situation. At the end of the day, you realize you are a shit. You high on ship for the last eight years. When you're going through this, you don't even consider this. But something pushes you to make those stupid fucking mistakes. And you don't, you know, you're doing it after you're already involved. Because as soon as you get in the car, you already know, like this is going to bust. And then nine other times it does bust. But I always pull for those guys. Ever since I moved here, there's a lot of guys on Instagram that are on that talk and shit every day. You lose me once you talk about God. If you kill 20 people, you never believe in God. But now you believe in God. So you lose me right there. You know, listen, you can't bullshit or fucking bullshit. Right. To suddenly being a preacher after you robbed everybody. The last week, something happened. I just shattered me because like people say, they're before the grace of God, go, I enjoy this. That dude, the assemblyman, the councilman in English town. His name is John Alite, John Alite, whatever this fucking name is. You know, I don't know. I've never met him. But you go into the witness relocation plan and you come out and you pull for these guys. First of all, listen, ain't nobody killed them. You say, oh, yeah, go find your friend. He's got a family done. He's a fucking councilman. But what happened? Anyway, he got an entertainment company. That's what he did. And he was running shit through the entertainment company. And they got him on loan sharking. But what really fucked him up is he went to some of these house and they had the ring camera. He started threatening the guy. The guy took the ring tape gave it to the feds. So now, you know, they hold them. And for me, I think about that and I go, fuck, he's a year older than me. Oh, that guy. Okay. John Alite is 64. And you know what? He ain't getting out for 10 years. Not for a loan sharking. He has like two of them, but a major is some other thing they call it something else. They call loan sharking uterine. Uttery. They don't call it loan sharking no more. There's a word for it that he got charged with, but he also had an extortion charge. And now, like the ones that you never recover from. extortion, racketeering, bookmaking, loan sharking, that's 10. Yeah, it's not a smack on the wrist. That'll end up as 10 and they get two together, they'll dismiss the one, but they'll still make you do 10 for the other one. And it bothered me. I can hurt my feelings, like it real, no, seriously, because I didn't want them to let them go or what do you, no, no, no, no, listen, he fucked up. George, your meatball burped back very nice. I like it. That's how you test a nice meatball thing. What is it? No, something, ulaji, uraji, usury is loan sharking, but terroristic threats, oh, once they loop you in with the Arabs, oh, that's Guantanamo Bay type shit, you know what I'm saying. She ain't even doing your time in a federal place, they're gonna send you down there. They're going to tell him, and we're laughing and the whole thing and I'm not laughing at him. I'm not laughing at him. I'm laughing at when you can't get away from your fucking old lifestyle. Some people can't, they just can't. They just can't. There is nothing in the world that makes one go drug some grobs about it. Not since 19, you know, listen, I did a few little things. You always do a few little things, but I say all habits die hard. Yeah. If you figure out there's a way to make money, and it's not like I got into comedy and made money day number one, I slept on Georgia's couch for a year, two years later at the three year mark. There's no, you know, it's not like I got into, I left snort and coke or whatever the fuck I was doing to go into an illustrious life at comedy. But that discipline really helped me because once I realized by, I think by 2000, I knew I was never going to go back to crime. It was just something that happened that I saw that in other times I would have taken it without even thinking about it. And I said, I'm not taking that. And when did you get out of prison? 90. 90. So about 10 years were like you wavered back and forth? No, no, no, no. The last time I got arrested was 95, 90 snow, 95. That was my last arrest for bullshit. Right. And they got me for a stolen car that got dismissed, they got me for the sloth like that. You know, it was a bunch of shit, but all happens, die hard, like at all the places I lived and clue, when I moved back with George for that year, I got into like four altercation. Okay. Now I'm in, and nothing happened. The cops never came to my house. Nothing. It's ironic. I'm in Seattle. I get caught for fucking when you cross the street without the light. J walking and they turn it into a felony. It was Jesus. It was just especially wrong from like, you know, this is to cross the street on your bike and also in four cops around you with that, but no, I wasn't even, I was walking and they surrounded me with their bikes. I was like, what can I do? Put your hands up. You know, I'm like, come on, guys, that's how, think of that shit. I'm not an angry person. And someone tried to arrest me for J walking. I'm freak out. I couldn't, I thought it was a can the camera that time there was nothing but can the camera. Maybe they were bringing it back. I didn't know. I thought it was a fucking joke and they gave me a ticket and the biggest joke was I ripped it up when I got home and they came and got me out of bed one morning because he didn't pay the ticket because I didn't go for fucking court hearing. They wanted me to go to court and pay a fine. I'm like, for fucking J walking the first time. I couldn't believe it. So, before you guys travel and think the world is great, you know, they ain't Hudson County every day. Like, it's different. People don't give a fuck. And it was, I, I J walked, I'm not going to say I wasn't wrong. I J walked, but their reaction was, was what I was surprised in. Right. But with the 18 months, I got arrested six or seven times. Damn, for fucking stupid shit, for stupid shit, I still got a one up there for fucking not coming to an anger management class. They've held on to it. And even the attorneys are like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, Joey. Are you sure you didn't do anything else? I don't know. But, you know, and so you were thinking about that, you were seeing that guy go to jail at 64. And I'm watching him and I'm going, first of all, for you people, you know, I love when I watch the news, especially Delaney Hall, lately, Delaney Hall has been in the news a lot lately. And I read the comments, I'm a New Jersey 12 guy and I smoked up. So I'll leave it on and then go in and out and go in the fucking, and they put the same news on every hour. So you absorb it little by little, even if I'm in the office typing or writing a joke or, you know, whatever, you hear it, okay? And listen, I'm a fucking felon. And I'm telling you that people are fucking delusional. Americans have become delusional. You know what my fucking biggest fear of not going to jail is guys? I'll die. And I'll tell you why, those two weeks without sleep out in the machine, what three weeks without sleep out in the machine, I'll die. Tell that to your judge. I don't give a fuck. You know, people in this country are so fucking confused on what happens when you get arrested. You lose your fucking rights, you fucking mom out. There's no more. I want some fresh Irish use. They're ain't none of that. I want some freshly squeezed with a hint of cha cha and put some chia seeds. How about I smack you in a fucking mouth? You know, you might go to county and there's no blankets for the first week. Fuck. You sleep with a lot of fucking black and I'm gonna let you chip, chip, chip, chip. You turn around. There's a mouse this fucking big, you know, and then you want to say that I humane. You should have thought about that shit. This is the thing after I went to prison. I thought about now because you don't think about that shit. So now I'm sitting and listening to fucking Delaney all every night and all I hear about that the living conditions listen, listen, what you guys forgot. The picture a couple of years ago from those prisons in Columbia when they're all standing making online. So have it. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody remembers that. But you're worried because your kid don't get jello, oh, he's not able to call. You don't call. You're lucky. Get an immigration pinch. You don't know where your people are. That's true. You know for a fucking fact, get an immigration pinch, you don't know your family. You might call them like, listen, I'm in Caracas, but you're from Venezuela. I don't even know. I'm just gonna say that they're bringing you to a country that you're not even from. You don't even know. And your family does not know till you get there, you're on an immigration hold. You know, me guys, I got locked up with, you know, when I got the Colorado, that dog they did some stupid. And as you do some stupid, they sentence you, the immigration is coming and he fucking Dana. They even tell you in court, don't get too comfortable. And this way before ice and all this other shit, I thought they made it before ice. They know there's no sleep apnea machine, motherfucker, all that protein smoothie. How about sperm in your fucking orange juice? That's as much protein. I get three guys to come in your juice, that's 21 grams of protein is shit. Listen, and I'm with you, but did you see there was a documentary on HBO about, I think it's like the Alabama prison system and like the, the, the guards like killing inmates and like, like, they don't, like, they don't have, like, they don't have anything. Like, it's, that is fucked up. Like, I, you got the people they put in there, they're not Jay walk, okay? Let's get to this. The people they put in that prison, did not Jay walk, they did not smack their wives. They did not, you know, they, they killed somebody in a DUI and they took eight motherfuckers with them. They took the whole gas station with them. Either they shot somebody, either they raped the child or raped another woman in a fucking violent manner. Those people that go to those jails are not there because they robbed $10,000 from Union City. You don't think, okay, no, these are not people they just, these are the most, you know, listen, they have levels in prison. Okay. And they know if you're an animal, even if they, you know, they know you're an animal, sometimes they give you a chance. Once you fuck it up, now you lost that. It's all privileges. You know, think about doing time and being themselves 23 hours a day and you get out one hour a day for some like, that's inhumane to the max. I believe it is, but guess what? You lost your fucking right. Once you knocked over that motherfucker with the crib and you had plenty of margaritas in you. Yeah. That's, you just lost. And when you go to appeal that, guess what? All those moms are showing up again. Right. So it's very fucking tough to prison system and if you only got money, if you don't have any savings, you're in the fucking, whatever program. Take the fender program and they're not no Yale graduates. No. They graduate from my C cork is tech, you know. But like, and I'm lying, you got great attorneys there, but that learning also, yeah, and they sell you out. and they've been in cases and yeah, they just plea you down. You know, and you're still gonna get in trouble, but whatever, I want a guy that raises the reasonable down. Right, but that guy costs money. That Jew costs money. (laughing) That Jew ain't cheap, but how much is your freedom, freedom? And there's what you have to think about. My freedom, for the 90 days I was gonna do, it wasn't worth the $10,000 in my world. They were gonna slow me down. I was either gonna do County jail or a halfway house. So I thought, pardon the interruption, you know. But you were in your 20s? I was 25. That's very different than 64. Apps are fucking loolies, Lee. But I also went in there thinking, "Hey, Mr. Astley's wrote a letter for me, motherfuckers. We got Congressmen." Yeah, everybody wrote a letter for me. So I thought I was still giant LaBamba. And then you get in there and they throw you on the same silver fucking bed that you have one sheet. You either put it on the tub or you put it on top of yourself and you sleep on metal all night. Oh, excuse me. Housekeeping. (laughing) Excuse me, housekeeping, I need a bigger towel with a fucking toilet and with a push sink that water comes out that you can't do anything with. Maybe a tea chatter, it's so fucking cold. Nothing in there is to give you comfort, comfort. You just did something in society. And this includes me. I'm one of these fucking guys. I still remember being on the fifth floor in fucking August 16th, on the fifth floor and black people yelling all night. Yo, yo, tall row. What a, I'm overheard, jeep. What you do? Oh shit, is that black yeet from fucking old town? No, and all of a sudden, and that's five. It was like the Titanic. (laughing) I'm not kidding, you have five floors and it was like the Titanic. Cells, and they put you in there and it's just kidding. You took a shower Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If you don't even think about me from my world, that alone is torture. Yeah. My balls got to feel water twice a day. Never mind three times. So by Sunday, when you got a visit, you look like Zombo. You know that blade you get on a sheep hotel that takes the layer of your skin on the one where you see the blade you get in prison 'cause they can't give you a blade because you'll chop it up and fucking cut coke. It's for all they, you have to sign it out and they watch you shave and you have to give it back to the guy, you know, you lose all those privileges. And I don't think Americans are keen on this shit anymore. They think now that oh well, he could rob a bank and they let them out on bail. You know, no, I'm exaggerating man. But the system has become a little soft. But even I'm here to tell you, listen man, I looked at four years, I ended up, I lucked out like a motherfucker, I still was in a halfway hour for a long time. It was two years out of my life. I'm answering to somebody. That alone, that alone, you think for eight or nine months, I had to call you and tell you I was going to Georgia's and how long I was going to be there for and what I was there. And they want Georgia's number because they want to be able to call Georgia this house. Now this cell phone, so if he doesn't have a house phone, you're not going over there. - Jesus. - I've heard parole is harder than jail. - Sure. - From people. - Because you just forget one name. To Georgia, let's go to Rudy's. Go in there, we have a few drinks. One thing, listen, there's a fist fight. You know the kids, so you hold them back and also in three cops come in and they take you in there. It's done, maybe not that night. But a week from now, your probation officer doesn't see that report or parole officer. And there you go. You get six months sent back for you being in a bar. Hey, Uncle Joey here, what's going on in your world? Uncle Joey here to talk to you about Lucy has the best nicotine in the game, Dr. Lucy makes high potency pouches delicious and discrete nicotine gum and the signature, Lucy breakers with a flavor capsule right inside when you bite into an explodes like a surprise. 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You've got 12 hours. What happens after six? You're gonna get in trouble. You call them at six? Go home at six. You go home at six every night. Nothing bad happens. You can do pushups. Well, Joe and I have ways to push up some body squats. Joey, I don't have a book. I got a library. They give them to you for free. Six to six. That's the old school probation. Sunlight the sunset. 12 hours. 12 hours because you know anything after six. Is alcohol and bahi, you get yourself in trouble. And even like a J-walking thing. Like it's, I've heard that a lot. That like when you start to get in trouble, you just get in trouble for a stupid thing. You just go into a, it's called the downward spiral in life. You take life for granted. You really believe you're the shit that nothing's gonna happen to you? When I was 25, I didn't walk. Nothing's gonna happen to me. I know people in Jersey bitch. I know, but that don't mean the people you got in trouble with, though. They know nothing. They never even heard of New Jersey. So, you know, how we got on this was two things. That that was really bothered me about what people think punishment is. That's why it's called punishment, right? I mean, you're gonna jail. Is there any other word for it, guys? That I don't know about? Now college educated and so are you. Two fucking gooks. Nothing that tell you any other word for it's, it's repercussions. We've recovered its punishment. Okay, but guess what? We don't punish our kids anymore. Yeah. So it's a different fucking world, guys. Do you think kids are afraid of their parents? I'm still a little afraid of my parents. And I think it's kind of not like you don't want to be like, skaters like they're gonna beat the shit out of you, but I think like to be like yellow, yellow them or whatever. I don't have kids, but. I think in 13 years I've gone off twice on a three time. So she knows when I do go off its timing. I went off about a month ago. Just her and a little girlfriend's fucking the hours pissed. What did it, you know, they were supposed to. Duked, Mercy took off in school. Oh, my girlfriend's just taking off in school. I shit to doing them one night. So I get up and I'm like, "Merce, what's going on?" They don't text, "What do you mean they don't text?" Then she found that all friends went to school and I'm like, "Merce, can't do this to me." You told me last night you got all the plane hooky and I was gonna drop you off as fucking, "Wow, why, in 11?" You know, like I went in there, y'all said, "Clean your fucking room." (laughing) I felt terrible. I came back in the hallway and that motherfucker was spotless. (laughing) Now I know when her mother tells her to clean the room it takes a little while. I can't fuck around with me because I don't go off. Right. I don't go off and I don't want to go off. Right, you know? But I don't know. I think, obviously I'm not saying anyone should beat or do any of them, but I think that isn't that your job as a parent, so they know to stay in line a little bit. - So they don't make stupid mistakes and end up in prison? - Let's be honest, I think I'm gonna sit here and tie ya. And my mom didn't fucking hit me. You want me to sit here like a man and tell you that my mom didn't pour glass to look on my head or beat me on 86 and Broadway when I was like five. You know, my mom would beat me fucking anywhere in a bathroom and a restaurant. How many times did she break my fucking lips and me saying the wrong thing? And you know what? I appreciate her today. I was never scared of her though. - Right. - Okay. I don't want my child to be scared of me. That's completely different. - That could be, maybe that's the power. - Maybe dad, that's a fucking dad, that's a fucking prick. Maybe respect is the word. He makes eight bucks an hour and he had three kids. He's angry. - Yeah. - Yeah, he's angry. - Yeah. - Now he can only drink one beer a month. He has to drink two sip a night and put the cork in it like wine. You know, you get angry and then something happens. You know, but I don't even want to take some of her. I don't know, I don't want to hit her because I don't ever want a man to hit her. So the reason I don't lay a finger on my fucking daughter not even by mistake or walk away if I want to bash a fucking skull because I don't ever want her to accept that from a man. The first time a man lays a hand on her, she's got every green light to stab that motherfucker just like my mother did, and she knows this. So that's why I will never ever lay a hand on her. - Yeah, not hitting, but even just like raising your voice. - I'd rather talk to her in a firm voice, remind how much I love her, hug her, tell her people make mistakes, but you're more aware of it today, but he else now. - Mm-hmm. - Okay, that's the best I could fucking do. You know, that's the best I can do, you know. - Right. - But I can't, you know, my stepfather used to make me fly on beans in the closet. I know your legs. - You're fucking black beans under your knees. You know, when I was a kid, my mother I shipped my pants. She took my underwear and hung them on the front door. So kids could walk by and see my shitty underwear on the front door. - Oh no. - Guess what, I learned how to clean my ass effectively. (laughing) - Yeah. - That's what a Cuban mom does. They don't fuck around. Why am I mad enough for that? How would it walk around? How was one of those guys I shipped but wouldn't wipe my ass? And then I come home for dinner and I was like (laughing) what the fuck, like, to like the second and third grade, I just refused to wash my ass. I would play with kids and shit in my underwear and just, I would go upstairs and I had like the clogger shit that takes your white underwear down and then I have to hide them from my mother that my mother would find them and fucking beat the fuck out of me like, how old are you? Why didn't you like wiping your ass? - I don't know. I just didn't like putting my fingers in my asshole. I just did not like it at all. - Oh my God, how many times do you think you shit your pants before you're gonna put the pants on the door? - It was about a month worth. And then-- - Oh, no. - And she told me, you do it again. I'm gonna hang them up on the wall and then she did that. Then I went on that bedpins shit. And she hung those sheets up too. - That's what I-- - People wanna come to my house. No, no, no, you can't go to my house. She had them riding the hallway like a Japanese flag with only the circle was yellow, you know what I'm saying? Oh my God, I can't raise somebody like that. But that's when my mother was raised in Cuba with nine brothers and sisters with no fucking money. - Right. - You know, so I grew up with kids, bro. I grew up with a kid in North Bergen. Nice his family. I don't know how many times he had glasses. But how many times I saw his father talking to a teacher? And his father would sit with his arms crossed. And every time the teacher didn't say something, he would just backhand them. The kid would drop and the glasses would break in the middle. The teacher didn't call 911. I mean, you didn't-- - It wasn't like that, and it wasn't like that. Was it over abuse? - Yeah. - But that was the 70s. Also the Irish will beat the fuck out of that kid's. If you're an Irishman's house and this kid's getting hit, you're getting hit too. You better take it. You better call your mom and say, that what belt is coming from me? Mr. Fucking Alogretto has two bottles of fucking that Irish fucking whiskey that makes them go crazy, like Indian Jamestons, whatever. They come home, everybody gets hit, the grandmother, the mom, the boys, the little girls. So, you know, I mean-- - I can't imagine that. - What would you do if Mercy came home and said, Mr. So-and-so, it hit us today? You'd fucking burn their house down. - Again, why did he hit you? Again, from the old school, I came from a neighborhood that if I acted up and Mr. Sayat's house, Mr. Sayat would come down the stairs, ask me what I said, smack me, grab me by the hair and go, is your mother home? And then walk me to my house, knock on the thing, and explain to my mom why Mr. Sayat raised her hand to me. If you knew anything about parents in those days, didn't knock him out and gone, you shouldn't have done that. They grabbed you by your head and finished you off. (all laughing) Fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. Let's just finish this. Oh, it's a good tag, didn't it? Let me tell you how old I was like I had. She threw one of the worst beatings on me three months before she died and I was 15 years old. That's the one when I didn't make the bed where she lit the paper roll on fire and all that shit. She chased me with a stick, dog. And she was clocking me. Once I got to giving that test, she had those little legs like Mercy, those mother-fathers crockin' down legs, like, (all laughing) bro, she was whacking me with that stick and not like poking me or she was fucking like going to break it on me and she did break it on me. Wow. There was no fucking pull. That's 15 because in a Cuban woman's mind, if in a single mom's Cuban mind is, she knows 'cause my mother told me when I was like 10, when you're 13, one day you're gonna get a little, like you pay bills or you're other house in me. That's the day I break your fucking soul and she did it to me. I did something two weeks before she died. She smack me in the fucking face but not telling her, but not calling it a certain time. Smack me in the face there. Right outside, blah, blah. And you have to walk past her and walk to your room that the next day she came up and apologized but she said she had a lot of her mind as she died maybe 10 days later. But I remember that, but that was 15, young woman. And you probably were bigger than her at this point. Way bigger than her, but she knew if she didn't know, what's the good dude say when he's mixing the wine that Godfather, they should've done with those Germans. They should've stopped it in her immunity. This would've not had happened. My mother knew that already with a young man. That if my mother would have let me take off her hand and say something, she lost the battle. Oh, he's just kidding. My mom wasn't one of those moms. If I said something, like what I hear now, kids say, a sporting events or playgrounds, it's a time out and beaten comes right up, whatever she's wearing, whatever she's drinking, whatever she's eating, half of it's gonna go on me. I knew these things, but that's how she felt. She had a man. She had a young boy becoming a man and there was no way you were gonna fucking take the ground from me. I'm not you to fuck, I'll cut your fucking hands off. So I was always in check with her. Yeah. Because that was her law of the fucking land. You're always gonna be my son, don't ever think. You're gonna come into his house and fucking talk that Cuban fucking macho shitty. I'll bust your financial. Go up my deal, I mean, so I'm gonna bust your soul. Like your soul? Not even your head. No, bust your soul. Tell what by deal, I'm a, it's cold blooded guys. That's some cold blooded fucking shit. Jesus. I didn't know how much did any of those beatings help me. Did I not rob half of North Pragan? Did I not hit about 22 pounds of cocaine? Did I not go to jail on Colorado? So those beatings didn't do anything. They didn't make me angry or resentful. They just would cost a doing business. So something you accepted, when you're munged, bust you in the head, you had to do something wrong. She wasn't abuse of mom. Right. You know, I only got hit a couple times and I don't know if this ever happened to you because it only happened to me a few times, but like things went in slow motion. - Oh yeah. - I just remember as a kid, just like even once my mom will like hit the bed a couple, like there's one time, but I just remember being like under 10 and the whole thing being like her moving in slow motion, her talking was in slow motion 'cause it just didn't happen very much. And it was like, I don't know. Like I guess it worked with me. I don't know, but like it's, you see a lot of crazy shit. And you kind of have to do something as a parent. I wasn't even talking about hitting them, like yelling, or like just setting up rules, just doing something. - I was watching something the other day. I love those psyche channels, whatever the fuck. And they were talking about, oh, it was like commercial. About friends and friendships and what bills of friendship, it's memories and whatever they, is why people wanna talk about, you know. Memories and, you know, all these laughter and all this shit. And I was agreeing with her for the most part, but then my mind went to work. I think I've said this on the podcast before, and I think I haven't said this on the podcast before. I'ma be conservative. I grew up around six dads that did not play it. Now in hindsight, would I like those dads? I didn't want my dad, not like that. I can name six kids on this podcast that grew up with a dad that it was fucking rough. I'm not talking about punishments. I'll throw you a notebook out the window. I'm talking about bloody nose broken glasses, you know, shit like that. I never wanted to be like that. No, there was no way. I took her about six years ago. No, when I moved there, I came up one day and I went out to breakfast for the dear friend of mine. When we were talking. One day, bro, we had breakfast. He just stopped me. He's lying. What you didn't know about my house was, I could tell you thousands of stories. Everybody in North Bergen thought my dad was a good guy. Let me tell you about my stories. Bro, he started going off like 20, 25 minutes. I was crying at the table. It would take him to a garage downtown. He wouldn't beat him in front of his mother. Stitches, burnings, whipping them with a chain. I had heard it growing up, but I didn't believe it. He started, he's fucking told me at that minor and fair view right there. I was in tears, grew up with him all my life. I knew his father had a quick hand, but I didn't know he was getting hit with a fucking dog chain. Not even a beating in the house. They put you in a car. He's, he told me, on many times, he wanted to jump out of the car, but he was scared. It was down like by North Bergen, Jersey City Boarded down there. That's fucked up, guys. Yeah. No, that's taking it. And out of the six, three of them were Italian and three were fucking Irish. Well, two Irish and one was technical about him whenever the fuck they were, but their ways of growing. I couldn't, that wasn't when my mother died. I had a chance of moving in with somebody who was dear to me, but there's no way at 15. I was walking into his house and changing that much. Right, I loved him. I adore them, but I knew within a month we were going to be banging ads and then we wouldn't ever be friends again. Let's see, it was 1001 motherfucker with his own kids. I don't know how many times I would walk in with him at 1003 and the dad would go, hey, well, Coco got stuck this time. Don't let that happen again. Coco, make sure you don't get stuck again. You know, that type of shit, right? I grew up with six dads. I would knock that fucking kids out. This is how much the hospital wouldn't say none. There's nothing called people services. What's that now? You smacked off here. Active services. And also they come get you out like that fucking Jewish guy. They were like, you know, there was none of that. Well, I'm a kid. He fell on the stairs. Think of the domestic violence I saw that day and giving out terrorists and I never forgot ever again. My mother would take that lady to the hospital if the cops asked her what happened. That's terrible. I don't know what a fucking hire it. Ah, you know, I mean, well, no, thank God. Now you go to the hospital or burnt toenail. They're going to come talk to you the cops. What the fuck were you when they get the lighter from? Dude, I remember when I was a kid growing up, the first time I saw, this is the only time I ever saw it. And it wasn't even hard. My friend's dad hit his brother like this and to me, because I got in spanked a couple times, but I had never even seen someone get smacked in the back. I was like, I wanted to call CPS myself. Like it was, it freaked me out. It was not like, but like, and they probably don't even do that. Like it's, when you're a kid and you haven't seen stuff like that, it messes with your head a little bit, I think. Like I didn't know how to process it. I can't imagine being taken to a garage. Think about the time I saw that, at the age of 11, a father at McKinley just knocked on his kid out. And the teacher talking to him and the kids getting up bleeding from his nose. And you're like, what the fuck? My mother ain't that bad. Yeah, I know. Jesus. No, no. There was two kids that I grew up with personally. And when his dad was a little crazy, but I didn't know until the dad died and the one kid died 20 years later. That kid was a football player and he would beg Nick's grandfathers not to let him in the car with his dad. Wow. Please hide me, Mr. Ray. Hide me, you know. That's a different type of fucking dad dog. Yeah, and I hear that. I was like, God damn, they grew up eight doors from me, maybe. Eight doors, right down three, down, give it out and right around the corner. Do you think everyone's living the same as you? And then you see some crazy shit? You're like, wow. But what I was getting to, we were talking about that lady. Are they talking about memories of shit? I think what made me friendlier and tighter with this group of friends I grew up with, including George's, that none of our homes were perfect. Nobody came from the Brady Bunch. Right, you know, the father was an outkey. The mother worked for some fucking mafia thing. It was always nobody had a Brady Bunch family and I grew up with, you know. Everybody's family had a little edge or something was going on. Well, they were doing something. So we came together a lot tighter. I never had a ask for what? I never had a ask for what was going on in your house. But I could tell, in my world, I didn't have a mother or dad. So you knew it was going on with me, right? But even then, like, and obviously, I'm sure you wished your mom and your dad were alive. Yeah. But like, looking, you went through some fucked up shit, but like, you weren't dealing with getting, you know, the garage with the dog chain. Like that, I was thinking about that a lot this week, not to change the subject, but like with the earthquakes. Like, you see like that earthquake and like the, like, people getting smushed by buildings. And like, you know, I get down on myself about certain, I think a lot of people listening to the podcast. You know what, those buildings landed on you and broken him. You beat that Venezuelans flying out windows and then you are on a computer, a little dust on your shoulder. It wouldn't be that bad. But it's just like, you never, it's crazy how like no matter how bad things get, there's always someone somewhere who's like, it's so much worse, what you, it kind of helps with my like, if I get depressed or sad, I'm like, you know what, this is, this is pretty terrible for me, but it's not, I'm doing okay, still, I can pay my bills, like all the homeless people in New York. Listen, as bad as your disaster was this weekend, we won't get into that comedy wise, I have a friend that's when he is older than you. Okay. Yeah. And he had a worst week of it. Oh, Jesus. The show was great. I had a great show. But yeah, some of them, we won't get into it. Like he called me this morning saying, I don't know what I'm gonna do in my life. Yeah, it's that bad. And I told him, you know, you should have stuck with that podcast, motherfucker. Oh, really? Oh, fuck. Yeah. It's, uh, going to some places that you're like, oh, should I keep doing this or should I just go to Costco? He went two weekends in a row to hell, not gonna say where he went, I'll tell you what. That's fine. Yeah. It's, uh, hell, hell, there's some of those fucking gigs that, and I, you know, I say shitty and sometimes I say it the wrong way because I care for you. I know everybody. And I've done this to until one day you go, what am I doing, my wife? Every time I do a gig, I lose 50 bucks. What the fuck, how can I come all 50 light every gig and there's always a story and, you know, you get there in eight, but the show's a 10 because the lake is a plane and, you know, it was always something and when they just going up and there was a book where I was working with that used to drive me fucking crazy. And I'll never forget, before anything happened on that podcast, I said that about the worker, I'd looked at him one new year's, like I'll never call that motherfucker again. them again. I'm not taking a week of work from that bitch. You know, I've never talked that I got again. He tells everybody for me to call him. He has a gig for me. Big money. I wouldn't call that motherfucker now if you fucking paid me. What was the last time you talked to him? Like three months before the podcast. Oh, okay. Damn. So like 15 years already. Like I was like, I ain't doing this. There was like a couple things. There was this movie that these people wanted me to do. And they were going to pay me. But the problem was, I go, who's playing this role? They're like, this guy and I'm like, Doc, this guy's never done that. No, he's my son of a, he wants to be a mobster and move out of my guys. No fucking way. Right. No way. And I remember, sorry, we were still living upstairs in a two bedroom. Okay. And I remember going, if I tell Terry, I blew this off, she's going to be fucking piss. I went home and I told her, I'm not doing that fucking movie because he cast it. But he wants his family members to be the stars of the movie. And I'm not in the mood to put up with that shit. None of them know anything. Now I met with the director because I did a short film that went to the, to the fucking Tuscaloosa film festival. I'm real impressed in the Hollywood shit. I might just quit my day. This is my big break. The fucking you talking about. You know, those people hit you out. They come to my movie thing, my movie wonder the fucking South Florida movie guild. And they're all acting drinking champagne. Is he going to stop? Stop. I wouldn't even put that poster up. Take the thing though. Let's do you more harm than good because people see that you're just the fucking idiot. Yeah. That you actually believe the short film because I had those, that movie bookkeeper, whatever the fuck it was. That one like three for the mezzles. That one festivals. When that one, that one like the gay film festival. I was at home count money. Count money that I didn't have. Yeah. When I shot the mezzles and after the director who was gay and I loved them. I loved both of them. Their boats still big in the industry. They're part of the gay mafia. And when I shot the mezzles, after that, when I won a few fucking awards, I was like, and that's when I did the fucking festival in May and August with the Jews Shabbat. It was like, it was like the Shabbat fucking Taliban. I'm like between the Shabbat telephone and gay mafia, gay mafia. They can't stop me because I got the Jews and I got the games. Yeah. What ain't I got a book dog who got I got nothing from that short film. And I went to three other things with the trophy. Some guy just called me from a movie I did where I had an orange shirt. They let me wear it in the movie. And now you watch the movie and like, why would they let me wear an orange t-shirt in a mob movie? I just I had like three t-shirts back then. He called me recently. Hey, let's shoot another movie. Listen. Oh, leave me a love. All right. I don't want to shoot no fucking movie. I don't plan. I don't have the acting stuff, but it's I laugh and I get it. But there's a lot of people who I do comedy with who they'll like everyone puts up a poster for their tour dates. But they'll put up like the open mic they host as like a tour date. And now that's the one where I'm like, you know, every Tuesday they have this open mic. And it's like it's like on their calendar. Like you can't no one you can't buy tickets to this. This is not there's homeless people at the bar. It's so funny, man. There's a lot of difference between me and a lot of other people. I'll tell you how. Well, I was coming up. People go, you know, the more clubs you got on your resume, the better it is for you. Yeah. And I asked the guy once, like, well, you really perform when he's close like, no, because I just write them down. The club owners don't know what I'm like. That's still fucking shady for me. Yeah. And I fucking stuck to it. That's why I would drive the Kansas. Because that was like the loony bin comedy club. Yeah. Yeah. That had the comedy works. I had something in four columns. And then even like the one nighters people put down, I wouldn't put those down. Why are you insulting me? And an acting class. I got an acting class. Oh, shit. I could put that down commercial class. Yeah. And then fucking then you get like three credits and you're like, who gives a fuck? And then you work with comics, so they give you a sheet and they're like, come into the stage and you sit there for four minutes reading shit. Yeah. And God forbid you miss say one of them wrong. Like nobody gives a fuck guy. Nobody gives a fuck. You can sit there for 20 minutes and sell the menu. He's done this. He's done it. Just got there. And those guys come out and this dire slowed that because they're so focused on their intro on their intro, they forget the color of the skies. I love. This is over upset you. Like I'm not past at any of like like the eights here comedy clubs. But like you're at the story of all these places. And I like it must mean something to you. But I see the like a lot of people in my level will put like the comedy store or the improv on there on like the posters. I'm like, you're not past there. Like you did a you did a bringer show there. Like that doesn't count. It like it's what if he got on stage day, he got on stage kind of like no matter how he did it. Like I got on stage at the store the first time there was four people in the audience. You didn't know that right. I went down on Monday night and on Barrett's hosting and James Stevens the third goes put them up. There was nobody left to go up. He just put me up on the Monday night. I ain't a bag of dicks, but I went home happy as fuck. Yeah. Because I performed at the comedy store. See me. But you didn't start going around telling people on past the story. No, no, no, no, no. And then when I got past that, then I was talking shit. Oh, yeah. And I was going to open mics and like fucking torturous. But yeah, I got to leave. I got to the man 1145. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's eventually all those guys became regular. You know, I believe you know, all those guys. Yeah. You're all there together. It's just one, two, three. You might be the last guy. You feel bad about yourself. And then you bust the biggest thing a year later and the everybody's behind you. This is getting up every day. Yeah, like anything else in life. It's not race. No, it's not a race. That's why I was telling you earlier today. Mm-hmm. You're no race. You still got to put that mileage in. But it's the same shit. You get a pay me now or pay me later. And why take the chance? We're in such a competitive, comedic field now. It's just every, there's a good. At every level, we have like 30 comics, renal comics. We have like 25 of them. And that 10, you don't even know about. Oh, yeah. 10, you don't even know about you. Even that huge in Japan or something. Yeah, whatever the fuck they do. Mm-hmm. You know, you got like, I don't know, 5,000 guys with a big in theaters, the top of the upper tier. And then you got like, I think it's 5,000 people doing theaters. I'm excited. Yeah. But then you got big theaters and little theaters and real small theaters. Yeah. You know, under 101. And then you got the clubs packed. You know, some clubs are. But didn't even last like last night. And it was cool. I was in the town early. And Bob Marley was there. But he wasn't. He went out at the club that I was doing. But he was doing like an independent theater had two sold out shows. And so like, there's a lot of wasted. It doesn't really matter where you do stand up here about Bob Marley. No more. But he's still selling that shit. Yeah. He just did. He just said, fuck it. I don't want to be in California. No more. I'm going to work and fucking live my life. Yeah. He did a long time ago. Good guy, good family, good everything. Very good. I've only heard good than always. Yeah. He's a fucking gentleman that dude. Always has been. He got me that weekend up down the comedy club that floated on the barge. Really? They're one on the main. Yeah. It was for the comedy connection. Is it still there? No. No, they have they have a comedy club there called Empire in Portland, Maine. And they have a theater. But yeah, I heard of my buddy did a comedy class there. That's how I heard about it. Oh, yeah. You beyond stage. The thing was fucking you did dolphins in the bottom of it. You should like that on a barge. I swear you at this week. Beautiful. This weekend, I'm at the helium comedy club in Portland, Oregon. Five shows for the July. Thursday Friday Saturday again. And Saturday, I've got two early shows, four and six, 30. We'll get you out of there in time for fireworks. No, no, you've been telling me you are the fireworks. I am the fireworks. I'm the fuck from fireworks. And me, I'm nowhere. I'll just be lurking, creeping while you're sleeping, still getting ready for the improv in Brooklyn on the 8th July, the 8th. And then we have another show on the 15th, but just focus on the 8th. And then we got Atlantic City, the 7th and 8th of August. That's it. I can't wait. Nothing else fucking happening. And I was very weak. Happy. Happy 4th July with your families. Be careful. Listen. I don't know about it. Do you need your fingers? Just think about my fucking question before you go shooting bottle rockets and being a jack off. Yes. I need mine. Okay. So that's why you won't see me play with fire. You want a life fireworks? I'll come to you house. I'll fuel the fucking flames. I'll pack gunpowder in there before I'll make one of those things. I can't say on here that the people nowadays don't know how to make in their home, but I. to remember how to make those motherfuckers. I'm not gonna tell you what, because they'll shut the show down, but if you hit me on Instagram, I'll teach you how to make a fucking, the real old school ones, all right? I'm gonna even make a little video this week, but I'll change the name of it, and I won't put it on YouTube, so I don't hang out with John Elite, with Terroristic Threats for light and fucking fireworks in New Jersey. Anyway, I have a great week. I love you guys, thank you very much. (upbeat music)