It's getting too deep in here

kick this motherfucking meal lee what's happening beautiful people it's the church of what's happening now new testament new testament it's tuesday march the 10th we're ready to rock and roll here you savages what up lee sayad dude it was we had a fun weekend we had a very fun weekend i want to give thanks to tampa and the people of tampa and the surrounding areas for showing up at the hard rock it was a great energy it was a great night comedy was great i was very nervous i was gonna eat a box of dick but i uh turned it around and everything worked out no the show was great lee did great steve simone did great but the night before yeah that was fucking and you know listen i told you guys how i felt i told george a while ago in 2015 to 2020 i admired doing this and i was having a good time but not really because i was treating it like a business no fucking around no nothing we go we kill them and we leave and that's great that's a great attitude to have i could go let's go up there do the best we can no we're gonna fucking kill them and come back but i was missing out i was sitting in my room all day by the time you get to the show you you haven't spoken to anybody all fucking day you're in your room right in hbo rolling joints walking around the neighborhood smoking cigarettes and all that shit and i was like oh my god i'm gonna die i'm gonna die i'm gonna die joints and i talked to ari and i told him if i do this again it's gonna be on one condition i'm just gonna have fun no more beating myself up the night before no more 20s annexes to go up before because it was a business right you know i take that seriously you fucking paid for a babysitter restaurant parking you came all the way down here to see me and i'm gonna bomb it's not gonna happen i'm not cut that way it just doesn't happen i'm at least gonna swing for the fucking fences you have bad shows but no that's the product we're selling but guess what you're even funnier when you laugh all day right okay when you laugh all day you're funnier than that you know you're not thinking about the stupid fucking show that's holding you down in a room and the four walls are starting to close in on you are you gonna have a good set try this joke you did this joke 18 months ago when you were here you know that that's it so now i'm going out i don't give a fuck staten island atlanta you didn't give a fuck jack you're gambling now when we used to go to casinos and you'd play the the video poker for like six minutes that's it business 20 bucks i gotta give back to the casino 20 bucks that's not fair oh they pay me a lot of money why would i only give 20 bucks let's go get all you motherfuckers to the table and we had the best we had the best black check this is how jewish i am i haven't i don't this is not leaving my wallet i have nothing but hundreds in this fucking wallet now now's the time to mug them you know i'm saying look at if you hit them in the head tonight coming out of the coming out of the stand at 10 30 we took edibles i'm not going nowhere that showed money no ever because i never win that look at those 20s in there there's no 20s they got fucking cobwebs nothing but hundreds and two ones that's it you've had those two ones in there since you had a paper route oh my god that was a tip from mrs mangelati it was my lunch money oh my god but that was i've never blackjack to me is one of the most fun things you can do when it like a night like wednesday night okay again it's not fun when i threw you to the wolves in vegas and they sucked you in for 200 in a row you know why i wasn't at the table we weren't having fun yeah i'm gonna be honest with you i hate losing that's the worst thing i work too much too hard i got a daughter that night if i lost my daughter i would have lost my daughter 200 i wouldn't have blinked tonight it was a good time but sometimes you gotta lose one at that remind you that you're a fucking loser you know sometimes you gotta do that sometimes think that you're good at blackjack if that lady wouldn't have coached us we wouldn't have won a dime that dude the dealer's all of it that's why you have to you have to you have to tip the dealer and when the dealer is giving you shit that's when it's gonna be a good night you have to find a cool dealer to be honest with you i wouldn't have gone to her because i'm a little bit racist i want i like a black guy or a black lady are my favorite because they like they're fun they have a good time but this this lady was really cool she was cool she'd tell you what to do it's like the first time i've ever you weren't nervous but like you were unsure of what really to do yeah i was unsure i had no fucking idea and oh we just we just kept winning and winning that was because some kid came up to me with a hundred dollar chip i missed that that's how the whole thing started i wasn't gambling whatsoever me he goes i got a hundred dollar chip i like the better for you i go all right let's go let's go to i was like let's go to a fifty dollar table let's go to a hundred yeah we won i was like oh yeah we shouldn't have got it up from the hundred dollar table again or something we won like three or four hands in a row and then when we got up i was like oh fucking a lot of table i've never done that before in my life oh it's amazing in my life that is that is scary and painful that they're just gonna take a whole hundred dollars from me you're like wow oh you feel and they usually may give you something that you're supposed to double so then you gotta put another another hundred down that's how i won yeah that's how i won i doubled on you guys like split the aces oh yeah and then we were off and run i gave the kid back his hundred let's go to a fucking fifty dollar table and then it's all 25 and we ran that bitch up i was out till four in the morning i left them at three i just walked around and i fucking the blackjack table right by the hotel right by the entry to us elevated yeah our girlfriend was dead the old lady that was following us around all night it was a security guard that you got really pissed at you were not and it wasn't even her but like she had the job of telling people they were doing construction and you were doing the thing i did it yesterday at duane reed but it was when you're walking away and you're still talking shit but then like 20 minutes later you're starting to give her a hug she's like how's your knee i go not too fucking good maybe walk back but she was so sweet so i went over that night on the way up and i'm like what are you doing here you're gonna wait for me at 6 30 just come up to the room i was torturing her she's like 68 and she's like okay 6 30 it was fucking great but when i'm laying there i go look at this monster at the table that was a broad skinny as fuck doing meth nice skin okay face the biggest titties you've ever seen and every time she'd bet the blouse would go down and she'd have to pick up her blouse because the nipple was coming it was a party perfect she's getting cocktails from the chick i'm like i gotta go fucking talk to this i sat next to her i won 200 i said fuck this fucking chick i went upstairs because she was pulling out 20s and hundreds like they were nothing like they were wrinkled like she had them in her asshole i was just playing of her tits yeah they were no not have a tits out of she had a big bag and it had dough in there oh she must have been a stripper or something yeah she was a strip boy she had tits like that she couldn't have been a fucking nun why tits like that and be a nun that's a waste for jesus but fucking this chick was banging but once i see her doing meth and shit i'm like you saw her doing it no she was making fucking faces like a penguin oh jesus you see a lot of fucked up people in casino i love casinos i love i love casinos really good when they're doing it they're doing it they have horse racing and like the guys just walking around they're hammered all yelling at the tvs i love sitting in the horse racing section you know it's really weird one of my favorite spots as a kid was otb on the other side of washington nights when you got off the bus from jersey okay it was right upstairs and shit i don't know how many times i went up there just to put two dollars even if i didn't have it because it wasn't about the two dollars it was about the entertainment oh yeah the raw nature of the gambler is an amazing fucking story unless you see it or you've had i had my mother that's as bad as it gets in the house two phones two tvs on at the same time running around she had to bet the mech game let's go to the mech game you know that's degenerate shit oh but the otb i've never i've seen i've driven by otbs and i've seen where i've been to horse races and i've seen it at casinos but otbs are wild to me because it's just like wild it's like the fourth wall are they still alive yeah i just drove by one i forget where it was maybe it was in pennsylvania somewhere will you want to see a casino yeah you take yourself you get on a nice plane and you go to fucking eureka california and go to the casino there that's that's where everybody comes in in a wheelchair with oxygen mask oh yeah there's some black guy pushing him he's losing on the machine the black is still in 20 it is a fucking eureka casino i think you have to do two weeks i did one yeah after the first week my mother died oh i gotta go back to jersey my mother died i can't do this really i'm sorry you know the guy's like my regards fuck you another week it is broke everybody i walked in there smoked four packs a day oh yeah there wasn't one non-smoker in there if you went down there for breakfast you're close fucking you stood them up when you came up and took a shower it was just pure smoke everybody's dying everybody's got to fuck with you and you're fucking black card there the doctors gave an ace of spades and said do your thing oh my god six weeks to live motherfucker that's where i go suck drink sperm do what you need to do and i'm telling you eureka was And I went there in 1995, 96. I lived in Seattle, and it was mind-boggling. I'm sure it hasn't changed at all. A little better than SOTB. A little bit better. A little better. I heard a guy yelling, like, fuck that midget. Oh, yeah. On the tour, they were yelling, fucking, but this is 1995. You said midget, spick, nobody even turned their heads. Now these pussies. You said trigger. You're allowed to say whatever you want. I've smoked one cigarette in my life. I don't go to casinos that don't have cigarettes. I love the smell of a cigarette in a casino. You hear Sinatra, you feel that, you know what I'm saying? You feel it. Oh, my God. Dude, it's a good thing we don't live in a place with a lot of casinos, because I could spend every second in a casino. And don't they have them in Brooklyn? They have one in Harlem. They're opening one up right next to Citi Field. That's the one that just got approved. And they have one by the airport, by JFK. They have Resorts World. But it's, like, really out there. There's one by Citi Field you'll be able to take the train to, and that's going to be a problem for me. No, no, no, Westchester. Wherever, is that, where is Citi Field in Westchester? Yeah, it's in Queens. It's right next to, it's going to be right, the guy who owns the Mets, like, is partnering with Hard Rock, where we just were. I love, and, oh, and people get it. I love it. I get angry, like, especially, like, if you, like, in L.A., I went to Commerce Casino a bunch of times. L.A. has some creepy casinos, and people get mad at you. Those Asians will kill you. Yeah. Don't go down there fucking with those Asians. No. That's their thing. When you guys would, like, stay on 15, I got, like, in the deal, it was like, yeah, you can't, yeah, the lesbian the next day was a little bit, not upset with us, but she wasn't cool. You can do whatever you want, but if you don't play by the book with, like, the, like, the, from China, like, oh, they'll fucking yell, they'll get up and leave the table and curse you in Chinese. Oh, you've never seen the Commerce Casino? Bro, you could eat Chinese food from a cart as you play. Oh, it's the best. They'll bring you Kung Pao, but not even the shit from the restaurants. They bring you the shit that those primitive Chinese people, you know, all them dang lizards and shit. Oh. Think I'm fucking kidding you. There's one. You think I'm fucking kidding you. They don't fuck around. That's a different style of Chinese because it's Chinese Filipino. My mercy's godmother interviewed them on a dough. On a dough, they offered it. And her and her husband and I are talking, we're going to gracefully resign. I'm not even taking the job. Wow. Because it's all fucking Chinese. Oh, I bet. It's heavy duty Chinese mob. We were just talking about the bicycle casino. One night, I forget if I was doing comedy yet or not, but I went through, like, different phases of playing blackjack in L.A. One night, I drove all the way down to the bicycle, because, you know, I got to the parking lot. It was my, like, second or third time there. A dude in a jacket said, no, it was an FBI jacket. Like, you can check it out. In, like, 2017, 2018, it got raided for some sort of, like, fraud. And, like, it opened a week later. They don't fuck. And there was one, I went to in L.A. a lot over in Oxnard, which wasn't even a casino. It was just in, like, it was, like, next to a car dealership and an RV dealership. They had poker and blackjack. Blackjack tables. That's it. I don't even think it was legal. Ooh. I love that you're doing all these casinos. It's so much fun. There's nothing like, like, and that's why, because poker is, I hate it. Because everyone's grumpy. No one's, because you're trying to beat each other. Blackjack is quick, bro. It's quick. We're all on the same team. That's when you're going to lose me. Once you get Monopoly, once you start hitting the hotels, that's when you're going to lose me. I want the three blue ones. That's it. And I can negotiate and you can rent. But once you're telling me to put hotels and stuff, that's where I get up and go, that's it. It's too long. It's too much of an investment. I got to sit here for eight hours to be Joe Marcosini and own the skyline. Get the fuck out of here. I got two minutes. And that's why I like blackjack. It's quick. I like roulette. Not roulette. The one-armed swordsman because it's quick. I only lost 40 bucks. I said, fuck that. I ain't roulette. I'm going to go over and play blackjack. I played blackjack on DraftKings. Yeah, I did that today. I lost 100 bucks. You got over the jersey? Oh, all the time. Is that before you took a shit in the bathroom? I didn't take a shit today. One of you is a nasty motherfucker that took a shit. No. You take a shit when you gamble. You get all excited. No, you can't. I get so superstitious. I don't go to the bathroom when I gamble because every time I'll be doing great and as soon as I take a piss and my hands touch my dick, it's no good. It's bad luck. You can't piss. You can't. Oh, I get real superstitious. Do you have anything weird like that I don't like Chinese people standing behind me when I play. Anything. Anything. Every time a Chinese person stood behind me, I've lost it all and then some. Yeah. Lost it all. And I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not prejudiced. I love Chinese people. I love Becky. I love. I eat that shit once a week. You know, I don't buy Chinese food from Spanish people. No. I buy it from Chinese people, so I like them. I like Chinese people too, but that's. I don't. Chinese women dealers can't fuck around with them because they're too fast. Oh, no. You need someone who's not really that good at their job. Where were we? We were just somewhere and the dealer was a little bit retarded. Remember, it was like a kid's first day. It was like a chubbier version of me. Oh, that night when we went to. Yeah, Fort Lauderdale. The first night they gave us. Was it the Fort Lauderdale or Virginia or some of the Maryland. It was an autistic plan. He came out there and we couldn't beat him because he knew numbers. 10 million autistic people. Oh, my God. He flipped us a hand and then he skipped the card and then they had to rename it. It was just like. I don't know. It was his first day. And that's where you can make money is they make a little bit of a mistake. Yeah. Dude. Oh, I have so. And like people go to casinos to like get drunk and hook up. I've never. Fuck that. I'll go down in sweatpants and a t-shirt and. You're a businessman. You ain't got time to fucking. That's what I was telling you. But when you add excitement to it and your friends and it doesn't matter if you lose a hundred bucks, you're yelling with your people, the waitress is coming, you know, water drinks, you know, you get a headache. Yeah. Unless you go to the bar and even then it's watered down. Those casinos, they milk you to death. I did two shots of tequila. Nothing happened. Oh, Jesus Christ. Nothing. They hold the whole fucking thing. Everybody's licking lemons. Nothing. Two shots. I got more drunk off the Heineken for four minutes than the edible took over. And you don't have anything to drink on these planes. I don't. You know me. I don't drink. As soon as we get on these planes and they have. Free alcohol. Every drop. I have to have at least two drinks. I wish I could drink because by the time we would have gotten to Tampa, we would have had a crawl in. Oh, yeah. Because think about if I drank, all you motherfuckers got to drink. I don't care if it's 10 in the morning or not. We're getting fucked up. This is Bert Kreischer style. This is the highway to hell. Yeah. I took tequila shots and we had fucking. Oh, chicken colored sandwich. That's what it was. Oh. Oh. That was the worst. I hate chicken cutlets anymore for months. Only George and my wife and I'm trying to tell my wife not to cook them anymore either because George is so good at the chicken cutlet world but this shit at the store, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Go to a deli, these Italian places, they can't wait to put the mozzarella on there and the roasted red peppers and the balsamic and everything tastes good but something just ain't right in that fucking thing. You're like, I'm tasting somebody's freezer. Well, it's Purdue. If you go to a bodega in the city, it's all the same. It's like the pre-breaded, they don't make it, they don't make it there. It's like they buy it from their supplier. How disgusting. Yeah. No, and that's why George's tastes good. If you can tell, it's fresh. I don't care if it's got steroids in it, the chicken. No, they all have. I'll keep eating chicken until I grow a wing. I'll grow a wing. That's steroids. Nothing happens to you. But it's just crazy that, you know, part of my job that I really like, I mean, I'm a fat fuck, but part of my job that I really enjoy is that I get to go across the country and at least try one restaurant. You know, you have no idea what that means to me. I'm not going to show up at a coffee shop and go, oh my God, we went to this cute little cafe in Rome. It's not going to happen in my world. I want to see what America had to offer. By me touring all those years, bro, I had some great fucking meals and places that, you know, if you go to Denver and you want a slice of pizza, you're done. You're done, bro. Why would you do that? Especially if you're from here. Let's go to Texas. Let's get a pizza pot. Ain't nothing in Texas either. This is it. And you try to be prejudiced and you try to be honest, you know, but this is it. This is as good as it gets. You're going to get some pizza on the road that is so bad. And then the people from New Jersey look at me and go, this is so bad. Why'd you order it? Why'd you fucking order it? You knew. Look at the guy making it. His name is Juan. He'd never even been to Jersey or New York. So now you get what you fucking, you know. But man, like if you eat this shit from the road, from the region, like the first time I went to Texas in an alligator, I felt so fucked. I bombed that night, but I didn't give a fuck because I did something different being from this area. We don't do shit. Everything's the same. What are we doing? Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Atlantic City. I love Florida. Florida's a fucking dump. You saw it. You saw half those people, what they look like. They're fucking, their skin's gone. It's like an alligator. You know, they're like alligators. The women, tattoos, they're all chubby. The one that I swapped spit with at the bar was chubby with a little a fucking frog on his stomach and shit. - Oh Jesus. I want to kiss you. I don't want to kiss you. But she was so nice. She gave me a pain fucking pill. Oh, gee, I missed that. I gave her a kiss. Did you really? Oh, fuck yeah. She called me all night long. Take a fucking Uber. I ain't taking it. Listen, I'm too old. By the time I get there, I don't even have a dick that gets up anymore. Like I said on stage, I don't even jerk off no more because I'm scared to what's going to come out. I'm 63. It could be blood. It could be fucking some purple shit. Oh, my God. It could be clear. When I do cum, it's not like a gallon anymore. It's like for a thirsty midget. You know what I'm saying? It's just enough to fucking quench his thirst. His thirst? Yeah. Her thirst. I don't know. No, it's okay. No one's judging you here. Oh, my God. She was a chubby little cute girl. She's like, let's make out. Fuck it. Okay. I swash bit with her. You had a shot of tequila. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not blaming on tequila. Okay. I'm one of those faggots. I had tequila. I didn't have tequila. I knew exactly what I was doing. I even told my wife. She's like, what? I kissed her one time. She wanted to kiss me. What do you want from me? She's like, Jesus Christ. I'm 63. I could be dead tomorrow. I could wake up tomorrow morning and just die. So if I could make out with a little chubby chick one time in Florida, what the fuck? She didn't give me a sore throat. She wasn't a dick sucker. Oh, thank God. Look at her. And the other girl, she looked like a man. She was trying to fuck Mike Runny. She's all mic'ing. She had tits coming out of her shirt. She was the ugliest thing you ever saw in your life. She kept telling Mike, I'll take you up to the room now. And Mike's like, my wife is dead. I ain't going nowhere. My wife died. I don't want nobody in my room. Did you see him? He left all pissed off trying to suck my dick. Really? Idiot. And loud. She had like eight guys surrounding her. And then they would have cocktails and see what she really looked like. And go, hi. But the chubby one was cute. She kept all. She came home with me early enough. Did she have a phone or something? She had a fucking Madonna thing on. Oh, my God. She had a little gut. And she had a tattoo of a snake or something. It looked like. It used to be a frog, but it turned into a snake. Whatever. But listen, man. Remember I used to do that stupid joke? I take that seriously. You know, every once in a while, you get like a little ugly chick. She wants to give you a kiss. You're not going to tell her she's ugly. You're going to give her a kiss because you're a Christian. You understand? And Christ sees that type of stuff. He's like, you kissed her. You're a chubby girl, Joey. It could be considered a cheat, but not really. You didn't go home with her. Nothing happened. I just swapped spit with her one time. Did you see how happy she was? She wanted me to take her home. And, you know, she's done. But I was like, you know, I'm a man. You like making a person's day. You've always liked making a person's day. I got nothing against making. Listen, if you want to cheat on your wife, that's your business. But if you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day. I've never in my life bumped into a blowjob. If you're coming down the stairs right here, some chick is on the bottom going, ha, ha, ha. Are you going to tell him I'm married? No. I'm going to take the blowjob and then say a prayer because Jesus wanted it in your path. If Jesus don't want it in your path, he won't put it there. Dude, there was one time where I did. And it was years ago that I bumped into a blowjob, but didn't even realize it until it was like hours later. I was at, I wasn't even doing comedy. I went to the Stratosphere. And it was right after I broke up in L.A. And I went up. They have like the bar that overlooks all of Vegas. And I went up. And as I was leaving. This like 40, 50-year-old lady was like hammered walking out with her friend. And like, I don't want to suck a dick. And like. But I was like shocked. And I couldn't. I had no idea. I was like, I hope you have fun. Like it was not anything. But I've never once bumped into a blowjob. Listen, I feel very comfortable when I speak to a girl who's 25. I feel comfortable and safe when I talk to a girl who's 35. I feel comfortable and safe when I talk to a woman. When she's 42 and she's a single mom. I feel very comfortable and safe. But you don't know what life is. So you run into a 55-year-old divorcee with nothing but pussy. Her kids are gone from the house. And she's ready to suck dick. She don't care about AIDS. That's why these people in the homes. All those old people. The STDs are higher than that. But they're fucking for life now. It don't matter. I'm fucking you with a cigarette in my mouth. I'm fucking you with an asbestos suit on. You know. Women I've had the hardest time with ever. Like I. Talk. I talk. I went to Cousins. I went to Cousins. Not on a Thursday night. First time I went out in Central Jersey. I went to Osteria on a Thursday night with friends of mine from North Bergen. And I couldn't believe the amount of women and the size of them. And the outfits they had on. No. I don't think you're talking about the height. This ain't fucking funny. The restaurant was so good that I told my wife. Let's go back next week. And some neighbors came with us. And that was also a Thursday night. And I'm sitting like the bar where we sit, where we ate. If you look at that side, there's a long table. Two long tables. I was sitting in a four-man table. But I'm looking at 12 Godzillas. All Italian. All with leopard suits on. Not one of them goes to yoga. Not one of them. Again, I'm not here to criticize nobody. But in my mental of criticizing, I said, Joey, you were raised by a mom. You were a buck woman. Okay? How dare you? Think that way. They're women. They're divorced. They gave up two daughters already. They raised two kids or three boys. They went to softball games. They went to football games. The husband left for the fucking secretary. What are they going to do? Sit at home and eat meatballs? Fuck no. They're going to polish that pussy. They go to a place in Red Bank where it does your pussy all over again. You think I'm lying to you? I've heard this from a woman at the gym. That's an over-juvenation. It's even better. It takes the old skin out, sperm. You're a virgin. 48 hours, you're a virgin. The pussy's brand new. They all do it at 50. And how can I? You know, listen, man. Well, you can't get pregnant. Might as well. There was a girl about a year ago that I know. She's older. She was hammered. There was a point where she had me against a wall this close in Osteria. And everybody was looking. I was like, what the fuck? And she's like, I'm going to leave in 10 minutes. Call me. And I'm like, lady, I would love to. Give you a stabbing. But I'll go to hell. That's number one. But, bro, when I went out a half hour later, she was still outside in her car waiting for me. I can't give her no dick. I'm going to stick it in her. It's going to come in two minutes. Remember, I'm at a point now where it just comes. It doesn't even come. It just stops. We just look at each other. Everything all right. Yeah. I'm not going to. My wife has to deal with that because we've been married for 25 years. But you take a grown woman home. And you give her three minutes of dick. You're going to be a laughingstock. You're going to be on every fucking riddle. What's that thing that people talk about? They see you taking a picture and they write about you. Riffle, rifle, whatever the fuck it is. But that, listen, man. I got it. I got it. Where you go to talk about people. Everybody jumps in. Oh, Reddit? Reddit. There we go. Yeah. And you look at these women. That would be fucked up. If your mother was still alive today, she'd still be a fucking knockout wearing her boas. Am I lying? George. With her fee-fee hat, with heels not giving zero fucks. There's something about a woman I can't get mad at, but trying to be beautiful. We were sitting at the table. Tell George, the kid's mother who came up to us from the fucking, he's number one, number three draft. Oh, yeah? In baseball. But he didn't even come. She didn't come. We didn't go up to her. We didn't go. She came over to us. And was like, hey, just so you know, grandson, first run. My son. Oh, but Nana was there too. She came and she was good looking. She had a baseball hat on, but she still had it. The grandmother had to be 65. Was she not dialed up to the nines? I can't get mad at you. No, they're fine. I cannot get mad at you. There's a 65-year-old man sitting there. I don't know. My wife died eight years ago. I don't know what to do. They're ready to give it up. Those girls, it's no prerequisite. You got a heartbeat. They don't want to get mad. They don't want to get remarried. Listen, they don't want to get remarried. They don't want to do nothing. They just want a companion, and they want to fuck. And you know what? If you don't make the money they do at that age, they got enough money from their ex-husbands. They're dangerous. These women, look at guys. I probably saw what's his name the other day. He's a handsome motherfucker. He's 64. Who's that? The bass player from Guns N' Roses. Duff with the blonde hair. Oh, yeah? Him and his wife. I'm like, this guy, every two nights, he's on the road, playing, running back and forth with fucking Slash. At 64, that means we're extending. At 64, you were like Archie Bunker. Every father in America was Archie Bunker. That's crazy. He was like, what, 40 during that show? He was 48 during that show. That's how bad we looked at 40 in the 70s. At 40, you had one foot in the grave. Yeah? I ain't more. You know, Miss Jalen Williams, whatever his name is, from the Boston Celtics. Hey, Jason Tatum. Name me an athlete that's. That's come back from that injury in seven months. That's not because he's better than you. That's because he's got a million dollars of support on him. Oh, yeah. They do the PAP every day, PDP. You got people stretching you. You got peptides. You got steroids. You got milk. You got water. You know, and the NBA gets the best. Oh, they have to. They're worth too much money to them. What are we talking about? These women will take PT-141. You know it affects men, but it's also for women, for arousal. I told you. I told you motherfuckers, if you have a dad, he's single, a sling dick don't listen viagra is great it works together with like that blue chew has two things in it the new one works together with that fuck i can't believe we're talking about this on the air but i want to school young kids because 40 year olds have any deep problems now 35 year olds have a deep problem i have a joke about it's it's i'm telling you it's weird when it starts it's very weird because in your 20s not when you're 55 well there's a difference between like dead dick and like it's starting to like you can see that that dick is in your future listen the thing that fucked my dick up was all those years of cocaine because you can't bring them back once it's over it's over it goes in the skin only the the turtleneck like my dick is like uncircumcised so the wind flap would just hang out of the hole the dick would go in like a turtle you could see yeah i mean when you do coke and shit but when i was 36 straight dick i'd give you for 10 minutes without even looking to flip you over smack your cool your hair make you play with your monkey and put my dick in your mouth and fucking you know all that i was lying tall that's what you're into that's what you're into so you have to have the fucking momentum well i couldn't do a tenth of that when i was 50 a tenth of that just with with no help with no with no help i just started having problems i was maybe 58 59 after the move you know you stress whatever and i was i was like this is not good it doesn't happen often but it's happened it happens and this is i look to help and i'm not looking to fuck people i'm not looking to sling dick but the biggest fear remember the sopranos what's the biggest fear in life but when they took that jew and they turned to cut off his dick because there's no man on earth that wants to be on this planet without a dick no even if you don't get pussy it's a nice option to hold your dick wait till you fucking take your bag out from the side and empty that with a chunk of shit that'll remind you it's kind of nice to hold your dick and see the piss flow out of it and you know even if you get a hard-on just to bang one out and you get all dizzy and shit that's fine i still get yelled at sometimes i and i don't even mean to if i'm staying at home watching tv and like gym shorts my hand goes in there i'm not jerking off no me too i'm scratching walls yeah sniffing you know i'm saying it's going deep in the nuts actually what needs work maybe i gotta put some more soap under this crease you know i'm saying something but you know this is things that it's happening to younger people now dude it happened to me in my like even before like right as i met you and it was like a heaviness thing it would also was a mental thing i think and but i will say this there have been a couple of times where like i think my my dick knew that i wasn't supposed to be with that person like there were a couple women that even i'm like it had been a while and i was like okay i'll do it and i'm not saying i was not good looking at all either but there are a couple of times i think my dick was trying to save me i think there's a chick on instagram a black chick that is hilarious she comes on and she goes marry guys guys with relationships are you suffering from ad this discomfort this you need a new woman you need a new piece of ass because that's how you try if your dick is dying just go to a regular ratty strip club and if those chicks can't get the party started which i don't want them to touch me anyway right but if you go to a strip club to try out what i'm telling you the story i'm telling you is that i'm quitting this glory no more rock anyway i actually in the last couple weeks i made like a decision and i hate it but it's changed like my dick has never been better because i mean you're in love no i'm it's not because of that well i'm done jerking off very good you can't i break i did it dude i used there were times where i would do it off and porn destroy you yeah especially if you want longevity a better nut no they're talking about the damages of porn now i never watch porn in fact sergio ortega sent me the hell's angels book the one by the famous writer last week but i thought the book you know it was a paperback everything in the in the 70s 60s was a paperback i get the package it's fucking huge i open it up sergio dumped three playboys from the 70s on me he's the guy who had felicia's playboy right yeah yeah he's great bro he's been on the church yeah since the beginning 2010 he's been with us great kid great family he sent me these points i hit him back you jerk off in these things yet he goes no i bought him a yard sale i go jesus christ i opened it up dog and i almost got pregnant there was dust in there it was that base sperm i almost got mom so i was feeling my stomach my titties but those tits from the fucking 70s women are completely different those playboys but my point was that beside that playboy hollywood henderson i have never had that i always feel shitty when i have to masturbate the only time it feels good is when you call a freak and it's going to cost you money and she's on her way and you bang when i you don't call her back listen i'm going to sleep i'll save the coke for myself oh my god and i know we've all done that at one time or another the bitch is playing with you i'm a generos we're leaving now all right you're at home putting cologne on your nuts this shit where are you we're leaving hoboken now all right and i'll say you're like fuck this you're like fuck this and you bang went out and she's like i'm close forget it i'm going to bed click it's over i'm surprised you just didn't like i used to do all that craziness right but somewhere along the line from when i moved here one night it was very shocking it was like a shock like i was fucking embarrassed like it was oh and i went online and started looking i was like wait a second i do too much leg work i do too much strength work to not have i saw when i started deadlifting when i was 49 the dick i was inflicting because the fucking squats and the flicking is quite a the dick you inflict when you do listen when you do those uh what do you call those deadlifts deadlifts here the dick you inflict because that thing destroys everything when you do deadlifts your central nervous system gets it it's fucking you could see it when you have a whoop do four sets of deadlifts with 120 pounds and come eight of them and come see it's nothing right weighs nothing 120 pounds no i remember from when i was doing kettlebells with irish but you just do eight of those times four and get back to me you will need a nap in the middle of that nap you will get a hard-on that udini couldn't fucking pop out of the grave in the middle of that nap you're gonna get woken up and your dick is gonna be so hard it's gonna hurt with veins in it that you can't even jerk off be like bleep jesus what is this it's those fucking deadlifts that's what it is yeah you cannot put that shit together so i went back to you know and i started looking at viagra and all that stuff somebody gave me 100 viagra from a pharmacy that shit don't work no pop 200 my heart's gonna blow up so i was dropping 150 like nothing and i need like two blue chews on the side oh jesus yeah because i pop blue chews the minty ones they're delicious do you take they are actually really good but do you ever take dude that's at my age i take a blue chew and it's like let's have fun it's 25 minutes it's 20 no 25 milligrams but it's 15 minutes i don't know it lasts you eat four or five of those motherfuckers she's passed out and i'm still fucking you're passed out four or five dude if i take one it lasts me 72 hours okay if what if i take you one blue chew it lasts like it's like it's a 20 year old dick for like 72 hours you add that with pt-141 for anybody who needs pt-141 look what it does to you there's another sexual one but pt-141 has been around since 1970 if you need it you look down by me go to ultimate nutrition and ask for my brother justin he'll hook you up you'll be having hard-ons at cousins you'll be hitting people in the face you know i'm saying you ever walk up to a bitch and go you want to dance no ah with your dick right in her fucking eye see what happens then how you like me now i'm 63 with a pt-141 dick oh my god you know i'm saying when my dick gets hard it says 141 out on the side you biento airlines i love how into these peptides you are like you start telling people about these i gotta because i why would i be greedy and save it for myself and then one day i died of a hard-on that's bad karma so i rather spread the love i want everybody in jersey to get fucking tremendous hard-ons they this summer in belmar you shoot that one pt-141 you're shooting in your dick no you're shooting your stomach on your arm three or four hours but it's better for the next morning so if you shoot it at night when that bitch wakes up to dick it's going to be horror you're just going to wake her up hello well how are you how do you feel this morning wait one second dick and they just bust the dick you give them and that ain't coming it's just a straight up helmet that thing don't come they come and then you gotta take a breather and watch them recoup and shit oh that was tremendous let's take a breather right now it's getting too deep in here we'll be right back what's happening beautiful people uncle joey here for masa chips listen if you feel bad it's because you're eating garbage plain and simple i was there for years grab some masa chips and thank me later masa chips taste amazing only three ingredients you ready the corn the sea salt and 100 grass-fed beef tallow that is it because masa strips are made with real ingredients you feel fuller longer and you won't keep snacking all day my favorites are the blue corn but it comes in six other flavors lime churro listen like 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That's right, three-ingredient potato chips. Now, you ready to give Monster Chips a try? It's this simple. Go to monsterchips.com slash joey and use code joey for 25% off your first order. Who's better than you? Nobody. You can also click in the link in the video description or scan the QR code to claim this delicious offer. Enjoy Monster Chips. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I got to ask you a question. You want to get high? Get in the cloud. In the cloud is a fully legal online dispensary. Check out their flour, gummies, vapes, pre-rolls, and check out those edibles. Skip the hangovers and unwind with In the Cloud's new zero-sugar, zero-calorie THC sodas. They are tremendous. All In the Cloud products are federally legal THC. Everything sold is DEA certified, lab tested, and shipped directly to you. Unwind your way with In the Cloud. No stores to go to, no nothing. You're in your house, it comes to your house. Or if you're 21 or older, visit inthecloud.co and use code CHURCH for 35% off all month long. That's right. If you're 21, I'm going to give you 35% off. All month long. That's inthecloud.co, code CHURCH, for 35% shipped directly to your door. You don't need to go nowhere. The Chinese guy comes over to deliver pork ribs later. Nobody. Enjoy In the Cloud responsibly. And I want to thank In the Cloud for sponsoring the show. Thank you. Have a good week. In the Cloud, the vampire, the vampiro. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I forgot all about it. When we were in Tampa, one of my eighth grade teachers came to the fucking show, okay? He was 80. I haven't seen him, and he didn't act 80. No. He did not act 80. He had to be, if I'm 63, he couldn't have been 17 when I was born. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, he was 80. And he looked great. He was sharp. You know, I've been telling everybody about this dude for years. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. He was a mayor. He was a mayor in Weehawken, and he was the eighth grade teacher. And then at some point in the eighth grade, he got arrested and charged with all this shit. And I lost contact with him. But after all the doodling and the shit, I came home maybe in 91. I was a little bit more clear. I had done my time. I had had a daughter. And I asked somebody in North Bergen, like, what's going on with Wally Lindsay? Like, he's out of jail. Go get me his number. Nobody had his number. His grandfather, nobody had his fucking number. And then one day. Somebody texted me. They go, we got you his number. And I called him as I was going from North Bergen into Fairview on Kennedy Boulevard, whatever that is right there. And I called him right from that light. When I got the number, I was like, I'm going to call this motherfucker right now. And when I called him, I think he was in the law office. And he answered the phone. He was very, ooh, Cocoa motherfucker, eighth grade, Turk Jordan. You know, and he's like, oh, shit. I can hear him go outside. And he was like, how you doing? I'm really in shock. I'm really in shock about you calling me. What's the problem? I go, there ain't no problem, man. You were a great teacher to me. You were fucking great. Why, I can't call you? He didn't know nothing about comedy. He heard I did comedy. Do you mean 91 or 2001? 91. 93, maybe. Because you must have just started comedy? I thought you started comedy. No, it was a little later. You're right. It was like 2000. I came back, and I called him, and he did not know I got into comedy. How you doing? I didn't say nothing. I was like, I'm just a regular comedian, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know. And then I kept in touch with him. Like, every three years, something would happen. He'd call me, or I'd call him. And then once I came here, I'd go, now I could turn this motherfucker on with him, you know. It's great. Because you, I would never, the way you guys were interacting, I thought you saw him every time you went down there. Like I said, you know, we had barrages. We were rolling down here a couple weeks ago, we were talking about my daughter and her school, and how the teachers, that doesn't exist no more. What I had from that guy doesn't exist anymore. They're the type of teachers that they knew if your mom beat your dad. They knew if your dad was an alcoholic. They knew if you didn't want to go home to your family. That's who you went to. You didn't go to your fucking guidance counselor. You went to your eighth grade teacher, seventh grade teacher. These guys knew everything about you. It wasn't just, what about your books today? You know, that shit. It wouldn't have worked in Northbury. It wouldn't have fucking worked. And the people that tried doing that shit got shipped out or somebody beat them up. And you know, that's, teachers got beat up in Horace Mann all the time. When I was young, people would get beat the shit out of in Lincoln. Those Lincoln dudes, you couldn't look at them wrong. You could not look at them wrong. Franklin had his problems. McKinley, I saw a couple people hit teachers and shit like that. But, dog, I saw Louis Aldebar clock Leo Gattoni in the head, almost knocked him out in the basement. I mean, he just went up to him and said, you got to go to the office. Boom. He came to the show in Fort Lauderdale. I called him the Russian. That's the moment I said to him. I go, tell him how you punched Mr. King in the head in the seventh grade and almost knocked him out. Who punches a teacher in the head? But regardless of that world, they were your friend. You could pull them out the way out. They would tell you to come to you. Dog, come here. What's going on? You've been getting 80s all year. Now you drop two 60s on me? Sit down. Close the door. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on at home? You need money for groceries. It was a different animal. You know, it was a different animal. Coaches drove you home from CYO basketball. One in the morning, they're driving eight kids home. Make a right. Make a left, coach. You know, they drove you to your fucking mother's door. I still remember the coach driving me one night. He didn't play me. He didn't play me. And he had to sit with me now. And I would usually start on this team. He didn't play me, St. Michael's. I remember him and I in the bottom, him telling me why he didn't start me for that game. People don't do that today. Because your parents go down there. How come my little Timmy's not starting? Well, he can't dribble the fucking ball. You know, he can't jump. I gave him a chance. He can't fight. He's like that dude in full metal jacket. He can't do nothing. The chubby dude. Private pile. Private pile. He can't do nothing. You know. What? You know, they talk to you, man. And I don't know about you. You didn't get an F. Right. They pushed you. They would even say, are you that fucking stupid? Huh. These kids today would melt. But they would ask you, are you that fucking stupid? Do you want me to put you in remedial reading? And then they pull you aside late and go, hey, about before, I'm sorry. Because a bigger man, bigger mistake. You apologize. You say, I'm sorry. But, bro, what's going on with you? I know you could do better than this. I know. You're out there on Sundays with Vinny fucking knowing all the fucking signals and shit. How do you not know fucking a paragraph? Come on, man. And that pushes you a little bit. Okay, you see, I got something. You just told me I got something. I'm going to try. I had a lot of great female teachers. And I'm not saying anything against female teachers. But I had a couple. One specifically, my fourth grade teacher was like an older dude. And I thought he was a cool. As a guy, I don't know. As a guy, I connected with them on a different level. Again, some of the best teachers. I'm not saying anything against the female teachers. But there's not a lot of men. There's not a lot of teachers anymore, I don't think. At least not where I grew up. I don't know what's going on then. But I was fortunate enough to be around. Listen, not every teacher is going to be good. For every great teacher that I had, Mr. Terranova, Mr. Barone, Mr. Lovito, Mr. fucking, you know, you had these teachers that stuck out on your mind. That after you, when you're 25, you want to walk back to the high school. Hey, man, I took that class because you told me to take it. What teacher? Doesn't want to hear that. What coach doesn't want to hear that? I did this because of you seven years ago. Thank you. Yeah. That guy knows it's a cycle now. I'm on to something. I'm on. Do you ever hear about Mr. Lee? He lived next door to your grandpa. Listen to me. The biggest fucking hard-on you ever met in your life. Crew cut and everything. Kids had crew cuts. One of those families, okay? He was something. But he was an asshole. I went there, robbed a case of beer, and I put it in my locker, and he came. He goes, I'm going to open it. I go, you open it, I'm going to have a fucking problem. I disrespected him in the worst way ever. Mr. Lee was not a bad guy. He was just serious. Joe, if you got beer in there, we can't have this. If I got beer in here or not, none of your fucking business. Get a warrant. Get a warrant. He never spoke to me again. And I did a robbery, and I slipped my hand open. I was broke. Walking around Northbury, I'm like, well, let me go see Uncle Vinny. Or Mike. I was going to high school. When you're a loser, where do you go? You go to high school and see your old teacher. Hey, how you doing? You still got your MB brewing jacket on. You know, you're little. I won the Eagles championship in 73. Yeah. Like, you know, but you still go up there. I would see kids up there all the time. And I had this bandage on my hand, and I went down to the training room. And Mr. Lee was walking by. This is six years after our altercation. I wasn't even in high school. Something made him go, what's wrong with your hand? I said, I don't know. And I cut it last night. And he goes, let me take a look at it. It's still bleeding. You know, went into the fucking room where the kids would tape you and put heat on your balls and all that shit. When you didn't make the right defensive play in football, like if you didn't make the right defensive play in football, they would pick you up. That's 77 and before that, we were scared to go to high school. They would pick you up, put you in the fucking men's training room, duck you up with tape, tape you to the table and put fucking red hot on your balls and shit and leave you in there and lock the light and shit. For one bad play? Welcome to North Bergen. Jesus Christ. And it wasn't the coach. It was the other players. They were like, no, that can't happen again. I don't know why the Bengay had to go on the balls. Because that's part of it. You remember not to fucking make that play again. Somebody puts Bengay on your balls and tells you to pay the rent on the 1st every month, you'll have it there on the 31st. So he asked me. It was just me and him. And for like six minutes, he didn't say a word. He just took the bandage off, looked at my hand. He goes, move your fingers. I moved my fingers. This one couldn't move. And he goes, about a month ago, somebody was asking me if I ever had to treat somebody I didn't like. I had to think about that. And today I got the answer. You walked in here. And he was talking to me like a doctor, but telling me how much he hated me at the same time, which is fucking brilliant. And after a while, I said, hey, Mr. Lee, why don't we put this behind us? Put this behind us. I was a fucking kid. Yeah, it was 1978. I was a fucking kid. My mother had just died. Who knows why we had this argument. But I'm very sorry. He gave me his number. We went out to Hashways that day. We left the gym, went to Hashways. Had like an gladiatory lunch. And for a year, I called him. He lived right next to me. And I would tell your grandpa, guess who's talking to me? Mr. Lee. And he'd go, I heard. Like everybody was in shock that Mr. Lee was talking to me. I called him for about a year and a half. Then he died. He died. But he was a good guy. And even that, six years, a teacher, that's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the lessons we were learning early on, that my daughter will never learn from her teachers. You don't think she has a, like a. She's got two teachers. She told me the other day, my daughter's on a fucking different level. She looked me and my wife in the face the other day, and she goes, you know what? People ask me all the time, the best white rice is Cuban white rice. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, Cuban white rice is better than any other white rice I've ever had in my life. She asked my wife, my wife goes, I don't feel that way. She asked me, I go, I'm Cuban. I don't fucking feel that way. She goes, no, no, no. The Cubans make the rice a little different. Better than Chinese, better than moms, better than everybody. And she goes, that's why when you tell me to take me up there, I take the ride with you. She says, you got to teach that to Puerto Rican. She was telling me all about it Friday night at dinner. She goes, Dad. I talked to my teacher, the Puerto Rican one. I asked her, isn't Cuban rice better than Puerto Rican rice? And she's like, yeah, it is. And Mercy's like, but you got to go up north for it. And the lady's like, yeah. That's amazing. I don't know why I told you that story, but. Because she has a connection with a teacher. She has a connection with. And then there's another teacher, a music teacher. And Mercy tells her band she listens to. And she's like, Mercy, I can't believe you listen to that again. You know. So at least, but everybody else, like she had a teacher that was giving her D's. Some other teacher. Some other teacher that won't talk to her. You know, it's not. Like when we left high school, we went home with a story dog. Did you hear what happened in the third period? Oh, my God. Spanish guy stepped on Mr. T's shoes. And he told him to get the spick hoopty do's off his foot. You know. And you fucking remembered that shit. Yeah. You would never cut that teacher. That teacher never got cut. Nobody had the audacity to cut him because it was 45 minutes. It was 43 minutes of straight fucking laughter. You walked in. You sat down. He went in the mirror, opened it, and he would comb his eyebrows and then go. And start with that. And then you sit down and go, attendance. Nicky Escalise. Boom, boom, Nicky. Get up. Where'd you get those shoes from? Spider-Man. And he. Lee, get up. You're still Jewish today. Sit down. You're fine. You know, he would just go through the class. He would just roast the entire list. He would just go through the whole class. Hey, look at you. Where'd you get that haircut? Looking good. Don't come into class tomorrow if you have that haircut. You know, put on white socks. That was his. He hated colored socks. He hated colored socks, too. Put on white socks. It's a great way to get your attention. And then there was a chick that had big feet. And her name was Hohuba. No, that's not Hohuba. She was the only Arab. She was the only Arab in North. There was her and a couple Indian girls. One of the Indian girls, they fucked her on country day. And there was never a whatever anymore. North Bergen High used to have a day on a Thursday. No school. You went behind the high school. They had games. Food trucks. Not food trucks, but you know. And you went back. It was called field day. And the reason why field day was canceled was Dickie Thomas. Got caught fucking a little Hindu girl in the boys' bathroom. Right in front of the principal's team. Right there. The principal's office right there. There's two bathrooms right there. So they canceled that. You know, but everybody. Right in the bathroom. Huh? In the bathroom. Well, where are you going to take it? To the four star for four seasons? I don't know. You're fucking 16. You barely got a dollar from your father to eat lunch. Where are you going to take it? You take it to the bathroom behind the gym? You take it to the church? Your mother has an extra car? Where do you fuck in those days when you're 13, 14, 15? I have no idea. Okay then. Me neither. It's not like I was having orgies every fucking day, you know. But it's such a different world and I'm very grateful because I could tell you a bunch of shit. I could tell you all the bullshit you guys won't hear. But it was all these little teachers that believed in me at the end and a couple people from North Bergen that when I would get down, it would push me through. I had a guy from the. I had a guy from North Bergen Project. You know who it is. Fucking sanitation worker in North Bergen. And he went out of his way one night to call me and say, Hey man, I got your number from a friend of mine. I just want to tell you, I was watching Cold Case tonight. You got it, kid. I'm like, what are you talking about? You're a fucking DPW working for North Bergen. And he's like, brother, you got it. I'm really proud of you. Very proud. And he just said some things I was like, that's a dude from the project. That dude never had a dime. He worked hard all his life. I remember that dude. Today, I talked to his daughters because of what he said to me. I take care of his daughters. Yeah, I knew him for years, but he never said that to me. He never saw me in action. That's awesome. So when he saw it, he just put the TV on on a Sunday night and saw it. And the next day, he was on the phone with me. That meant more to me. I was a horrible actor. But just as somebody noticed me, but I, I grew up with and said, hey, man, you're on the right path. Especially after people were talking shit about you for bad stuff. Till today, I fight with his daughters, who are my nieces, because of what that man said to me. That's the type of, I'm old school, dog. I'm not going to fucking, I don't want to hang out, you know. You got your people, they take care of you, you take care of them. That's it. But those are the people that got me through, man. His grandfather, I didn't want to keep coming back here being a loser. I told his grandfather, when she goes, where are you going this week? And he'd go, Buffalo, that's the asshole of the world. You know, and I'm like, fuck, Mr. A. He had a fucking compliment for any date I had, because they were all, that's where you start in hell, you know. Schenectady and fucking Poughkeepsie. And he's like, Poughkeepsie, you're never going to make it to Broadway. You're reading off my tour list, by the way. Lee, that was everybody's tour list that one time. And I love it. I'm not complaining a bit, but it's just funny, all the cities remind me, like I did that last year. I did that, we could go back. We could go. Poughkeepsie was the all-time worst weekend in the country. Am I lying to you? I think George had to bring me fucking food one day. Oh, it's good now. Dog, listen. Oh, yeah. It was a hotel and a gas station. They didn't have like New Age, no coconut water. It was potato chips, chip, and those frozen burritos. And they put you in the basement, which was very nice if you were doing coke. The windows were up here. You didn't have to jump up and look out the window. But it was cold down there. And then you walk out, because they would only book slugs like me in January or February. You know, what are you doing fucking Poughkeepsie in January or February? You walk out, you look, you go to the gas station, get a bag of Doritos, and that's breakfast. There's a place called the Tornado Lounge and it's called something. You have Seattle, and then you have the west side of Washington. And they call it the Tornado Lounge. They call it the Three Cities or something. It's one city in Oregon and two cities. It's one of them where Idaho State was, when I called it back. Nah, nah, nah, nah. It's not even that deep. But they call it the Tri-Cities. Okay. It's called, I forget the name of the thing. Bro, when you looked it up in the back of comedy magazines, it was real room. Okay. And it booked Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And you had to drive from Seattle about three hours. And fucking the first time I went, dog, that hotel, they gave me $30. 30% off. You didn't even want 30%. The food was so bad. The hamburger smelled like feet the first time I went, bro. Hysterical. And I didn't have a car. I had to like eat cereal and shit from the thing. It was horrible. The second time I went, the food was horrible also. But I met a chick that had a thousand of those things on her back. Tattoos? No. Those fucking things that come out of you. I had one on my stomach. Oh, hernia. No, the fucking. What? What do you have on your belly button? - What are you talking about? Dirty hernias on her back. Oh, Lee, you're a fucking character. Assist, what do you have? Tags. Oh, skin tag. Jesus Christ. This girl was fucking beautiful. Came up to me. We talked, blah, blah, blah, blah. First night, she was there with her girlfriend. I'm here on a weekend. We're going to tour the Tri-Cities. She was from some part of Idaho, but she was fucking smoking. What skin tags, though? I didn't know this at first. I didn't know this until I made out with her, and I touched, and there was like a thousand bugs on her back. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And listen to me. How did you not see her back? I swapped spit with her on the weekend. Immediately? You didn't see her back once? Listen, I swapped spit with her over the weekend. This is 1990. This is the summer. I'm leaving for L.A. in January, and this has to be like November. So I meet her. We start talking. We exchange numbers. We swap spit, and then I went back to Seattle, and she went back to her hometown. And then. And I was talking to her one night, and I go, I'm going to San Francisco to do a punchline opening. I'm going to drive down one of my friends. But he canceled, as we were talking. And she called me back. She goes, are you still going to go, or are you going to come meet me? I go, well, I can't go because my car's fucked up, and my buddy can't go because his wife. And she goes, how about I drive you? That's how this happened. So I just made out with her. Now we're in the car. We drive six hours. We're having a great time. We go eat dinner. And all of a sudden, we go back to the room. We start making out. Her shirt comes off, and it's 1,000 fucking tags on her back. Listen, I'm no fucking tip-top Magoo type of motherfucker, but I was like bugs were all over her back. Oh, my God. And they were getting stuck on my fingers and shit. I'm like, no. And she was hot. And you kept going? Huh? You kept going? The first night, I had to do what I had to do. It's like a chick with a mustache. You got to do what you got to do. Was she paying for the room? No, I paid for the room. Okay. Once I saw the bug, like once the bugs hit me and shit, I stayed away. When I picked her up, she had a couple on her ass, and that was it for me because I want to, if I spank that ass, one of those mushrooms are going to blow up, and I'm going to have 1,000 fucking tags all over me on my face and my nose. And I remember for three days, it was a week-long trip. We did like eight different rooms, and like by night three, she's like, she was telling me that she sucked dick. Like, I really enjoy it and all this shit because I'm like, that's great, but I'm going to steal your head, and you're going to have a tag on your head, and I'm going to lose it, so. Oh, my God. What possessed you? How long have you known her? She was sweet, very sweet. I got a long gray with a, the tags bothered me, and then I moved to Los Angeles, and we spoke a few times, and she's like, I'm coming to L.A. to visit you. I go, you better bring a double bathing suit because everybody's got, they're back exposed here. Those fucking dots, they'll blow up in the sun. Oh, my God. Fucking. I can't even imagine what that would look like. Lee, and I tell people all the time, the life of comedy, man, is a trip inside a trip. And when you realize that, when you forget about cameras and TVs, and you just go on these road trips in places where nobody's going to watch you, you just meet interesting people. God just puts these people, and you can write material about them, like, I've never told that story. No, I've never heard of skin tags. I just remember that story. Like, there's something Becky said to me one night. You have so many stories. I go, it's comedy, Becky. It's not my life. Yeah. It's the shit that I put my, you know, when you get in the car, and you end up in Kansas City, what the fuck do you know from Kansas City? You're from Jersey. You're from Hudson County. You know, I threw rocks into the ocean and mugged people. You don't know about Kansas City or corn or grits. You don't know nothing. It's not till you. You meet different people. And you kind of wake up with different women. You know, you wake up, dog, I woke up with a girl that was taller than I was, hotter than fuck, and she was shooting heroin in her toes. You know, what do you want me to do? I ate a monkey. We fucked a little bit with no condom. I don't know what I got, but if I got it, fuck, I left it in Idaho. I left it in Montana. Yeah. Are you going to wear a condom on the road? Give me that dirty pussy and shit. She was mid-shooting up as you woke up? You opened your eyes? Listen to me. Listen to me. It's the first night of a triple run. I got an eight-week run. In a row? Yeah, I'm doing eight weeks in a row in a car with a chick. Oh, shit. With a chick. Oh, God. With the crazy redhead. Okay. And she's drinking. I don't know what they're doing. I'm like, listen, don't worry about nothing. Let me just drive. I'm putting cigarettes out. I look around. Her clothes are back. They got a thousand cigarettes. She kept telling me, how come I'm losing blouses? Dog, even this. You don't see this on the TV show. I just kept smoking. And I would throw the cigarettes. Why would you throw it out? She's passed out when I'm like, it smells like fire in here. Like a week later, she's like, I don't know where my blouses are. Did you see them? No. I thought your fucking blouses were at my cross-dresser. And the first night, we left from Houston, drove all the way to Montana. Damn. Oregon. It was a couple of those. And the first night, we go to the fucking, this Montana. Now, you and I and George, I'm telling you from my heart, I expected to do a room and go back to my, do the show and go back to my room. Maybe have a beer with Jody or a shot of Tawaka or whatever the fuck she was drinking that night. And that was my night. Now, I get to this club and this girl is gorgeous. She's the owner's daughter. 5'11", 5'12", 6 feet, blonde, big, beautiful, with a miniskirt on and cowboy boots. That girl comes up. She goes, listen, while you're here, if you need anything, I mean anything, I got you covered. Okay. So, when the feature was up, I went over to her and I go, let me talk to you. What can you get? She goes, what do you need? I go, for starters, some weed. She goes, I get that. I'll have it here in 10 minutes. And I was embarrassed to ask her about the coke. I'm like, fuck, I can get some coke. She goes, I can get you some dynamite coke. It's an eight ball. And before I turn, she goes, I can also get you a $50 bag of heroin. I go, fuck, I can get you some dynamite coke. Baby's prepared. All right, I'll see you after the show. I gave her money for the eight ball and I gave her money for weed. And she goes, I'll meet you back in your room. Are you staying at this hotel? And I go, Jody's there too, next door. So, yeah, dog, Jody's next door. This girl's coming over. I'm not thinking. I see the girl. She's 20 years younger than me. Nothing's going to happen. I didn't know she shot him. She came back to the room and I go, let's go next door to Jody's. So, I felt better with her. and Jody's when we took out the coke and started snorting she goes you guys mind if I pop a rig up no go ahead so she was over there shooting heroin I gave her a little bit of coke we were me and Jody was snorting giggling talking an hour and a half later we've got to get up at six in the morning she leaves I give Jody a kiss I go to my room lock the door in 20 minutes the phone rings in my room you still got coke left I'm coming back come back she called the hotel back then I said come back it was like 2 30 so there was no sleep we did the heroin the coke she brought back like a case of beers in the morning she looked like a model I couldn't even tell she was doing age I just got in the car and left never talked to her again I sit here some nights and I go what what does that woman think today does she remember that because I barely remember it unless I really think about it one night me and Lee were talking outside the office I was shaking remember that night I was shaking I was just unloading on Lee 25 years of what I saw just unloading it was by your house it wasn't the office on the side it was right by your your north Hollywood apartment we got home at 10 and we were out there till 2 just fucking smoking weed and Lee was like no Lee that's 20 years of fucking comedy you know being at the comedy store and seeing a woman like somebody asked me what did you really learn a lot the comedy store I go I learned a lot about comedy but I also learned a lot about life and a lot a lot more than comedy life I saw engaged women dog get up go to the bathroom give a guy a blowjob and go right back to that table with the engagement guy he's like yeah this comics are funny no I saw that 10 times my wife saw it we all saw it at the store you saw the crazy women that were coming and take their clothes off you see how comics behave when you start doing a little bit better than they do and they start throwing remote you have to learn a lot how to navigate yourself through that so it's a lot but I learned a lot it just wasn't about stand-up it was about psychology human nature what makes people what makes Nick come up to me and said hey man you got any coke and I give Nick half of what I got and three weeks later Lee calls me and says dog I was in a meeting with Nick he was pitching a show and I asked him if he was using you and he looked at me he goes that coke head in the meeting that's what you live with you me people are just gonna tie you up so you learn to you get your little groove nothing outside of that you know these are all fucking people give you shitty gigs get there you're at the end after the mambo band you know that's what happened when your mom came to see me and the rascals that you remember that at Caroline's yeah I followed the mambo band we didn't get out of that till one in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night you know and you you get the people that aren't in your corner and you learn how to live in a habitat with them without telling them go fuck your mother but you always remember what they did to you and one day you look at them and go hey cocksucker remember that i ain't mad at you no more i know you tried to do this to me and that's hollywood you know i mean uh look at these two idiots were best friends they did the tour together and when bernie mack got oceans 11 fucking whatever went behind his back and called the producers and said i could do it better and cheaper no or harvey no the harvey harvey steve harvey no you didn't know that that's why they all hate him now oh that's that's what a comic does you know when a comic dies there's comedians they don't even say don't just call that club and go dog i was on the website he got those dates let me get those dates jesus you know show class and you're like they got to just they sold their soul to get to where they are i'm fine with that i'm fine with that but those are the things you learn along the way you learn when people lie to you i tell you guys that i don't know what she's gonna do but i hope that she does go to saint john viena so she comes out with an associate because that year i'm gonna sit it down and tell you you can stay here for rent free don't go to school but you got to do something face to face with people whether it's cars i don't care what you make i don't care if you make no money tell me what you want a week and i'll give it to you but you got to do that for a year to learn and comedy doesn't tell you you learn that shit when you're in year three thank god i sold cars people are like we're coming back later i'm gonna go get the check and all of a sudden you see him with the car driving from chevy yeah yeah beep beep what happened you know because you believed him right and there's your friends going hey dick you ain't leaving this lot yeah but i gotta go talk to him i'll leave your watch leave a shoe leave something you're not leaving here leave your trade car throw the keys up on the roof remember there was those stories in denver you know we you're not prepared for that that's that's a hard-hitting comedy when you sit in a room and you're like you're not prepared for that that's a hard-hitting comedy when you're like you're not prepared for that and they pick everybody else and then they go all right that's the end of the show and you sat there all night for three hours doesn't feel good no and i've been there doesn't fucking too yeah it sucks you know how many times did george go with me to gigs and sea caulkers and fucking luna park over here whatever this place was over here where i ate a bag of dicks that's it you're not gonna be great from the fucking beginning but you just learn how to deal with it you know when i was in my first three years if i took a bomb oh i had to go do an ounce of coke i had to drink a case of beer it's the end of the world now i bomb like oh my god asleep oh i still get pissed off yeah we all do for a minute or two like i'm still pissed at the show at red bank to this day still pissed still pissed off about that show i went up there i'm fucking thinking i was high i thought i could pull it off there's no i didn't have the comedy thing going yet you know you learn you're gonna get burnt they offered me that date part of red on december 26th but now i might scratch it since he canceled nothing you gotta come in and have me next time you know what i'm saying sure but that's what the problem with comedy is and we just got into comedy you were a fucking editor you work by yourself look at a film what the fuck do you know about people going all right you know come on up and then you get up there and you're like fuck i forgot to ask him about a hotel and he goes there a hotel ain't no fucking hotel and you're like what am i gonna do now i got 55 dollars on my atm card to happen take a guess see like that's i don't have any kids i don't want to say i disagree with you but the one thing that you said that i you said that you'd give her money if she's living with you i actually think it'd be kind of good for her to be broke for a year working like it as a server that's 20 years from now it's really not though i thought the conversation would talk you just said that though no i said it as a comparison okay so what i would like for her to do is i'm gonna go to a hotel and i'm gonna go to a hotel and i'm gonna go to a hotel but none of that shit's gonna happen she was talking already the other day that she don't want to go to st john's because i don't have a film program so leave me the fuck alone that's why i'm not gonna sit here with you and argue about okay because it changes every day when you have a child the plans change every day george every day so leave me the fuck alone i'm just giving you an example okay what i mean i gave her money you know i'm not gonna give a million dollars a week what do you make over there 300 if i sell the car give me 400 you know so she doesn't feel because she ain't gonna sell no fucking cars unless she gets really good and that animal comes out right and that's great too but i wanted to have some type of social skills like we did george could sell a fucking ice cube to an eskimo you really i put a gun to his head that's when you don't talk about pizza or nothing no nothing put a gun to his head george sell that picture watch this motherfucker go and i'll tell him to sell it for 100 he'll oversell he'll fucking drop a frame with gold liza minnelli that's you know that's how life is you don't learn that you don't learn that you don't learn that you don't learn that by watching tv or in college you learn that by dealing with people on a daily basis can you imagine if you're a bookmaker could you imagine if you're a loan shark what you got to put up with every thursday did you see what was that movie uh the irishman i gotta go my mother your mother's died three times already yeah you don't come what time you're gonna be in the mall 12 if you're not here i'm gonna bust your fucking head you know you hear shit that you can't even repeat when people owe you money and that's like that dude in the pope greenwich village how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow right when you look in the bar and they go show up at six you're there 555 me me me me you're out of tension when i walk in you salute me two weeks later meet me at six to pay me oh i gotta work overtime tonight oh my kid is sick that's i told you six o'clock every thursday six o'clock but they dug you yeah that this is what it is and as comics sometimes that's a hell of a shock you know how they say people quit jiu-jitsu after a blue belt a lot of people quit the first five years because it's such a big transition if you can't handle me calling you lonely come on we're going to pittsburgh tomorrow but but what am i gonna tell the people at the printing job tell them you're not coming in tomorrow that's it you quit you're on a road you want to be a comic what are you gonna do that's why you said something to me last week and i have one solution okay it's over you gotta quit this job you're gonna quit this job pretty soon that holds you down you don't feel it but we have a ton of friends i had a day job they never got no win because they forgot about their love instead of peanuts they they they fucking worried about peanuts i gotta pay my phone and if you don't they're not gonna throw you out but i'd rather you do what you love and be a little broke that's how you learn to make money when i'm broke fucking selling cars i'm gonna learn real quick how to sell a fucking car when i'm broke doing comedy i'm gonna at least figure it out hey i got a room how many guys do you know i don't even doing comedy a year and they're making five thousand a year fucking booking open mics doing stupid shit and meanwhile you're sitting there i don't know about the pot i'm not putting you down no i get anybody down that has a dream at some point for that dream to work you gotta cut i mean cut if you hit me with well i'm gonna do it one day a week your foot's still in there so you're not your heart's not gonna be in that you see this fucking carpet right if i stand on this carpet hold my ground that's great if i stand in that middle and put one leg down one leg there what am i fucking accomplishing and it's the same time dog i held the job for eight years i had child support and one day i had to go you know why she don't even let me see the kid anyway fuck child support i'm gonna learn how to do fucking comedy and i'll send her whatever the fuck i get and you know what at the rate i'm doing this if i get anywhere i'll pay her child support in 20 years i didn't give a fuck she's not gonna put me in jail she's not i don't even get the fucking kid i'm sending 635 a month snorting coke off a fucking roof on the floor you know i should i should be picking up gold from the streets and put in my nose the point is that that's it just and we know a lot of people who kept the day job because after a while i need my insurance bro when there ain't no insurance there ain't no insurance i did comedy for 10 years on the road broken teeth you give me your name and pray for the best put it on the put on the tab there's a lot of other shit on there too if i ever hit i'll clean up dude fucking what's his name there's a comic in la very cool dude he got famous on tiktok during the pandemic but he had a josh with an r nice dude in hollywood but he had a joke they used to give him a joke and he was like i don't know what to do give me anxiety he's like every time i saw him he it was he was in x amount of debt it was like 80 grand and he just didn't give a fuck anymore that's it you can't he's like i'm either gonna make it or i'm gonna fucking die listen bro when i left colorado i was in 180 000 and i was gonna pay a dime of it i was like because i heard an expression when they can't put you in debt as prison there's no prison for people to owe money take and i didn't i wouldn't file for bankruptcy i just said fuck it this is part of life and at the end i did some sick shit i was financing an acura and i fucking went in that same bank and cashed a thousand dollar discover check the account was closed they call the cops on you for that shit they call them and they go you got like eight hours to bring the fraud to bring the thousand dollars down i don't make eight hours now i don't have eight hours they said okay we're gonna tack it on to your car i never paid that car off i just left it in the garage i don't know where that car is today i never heard from them not a postcard from acura nothing i get one now i even went to look at an accurate i put my name down for them to run in the computer i'm like i don't know i had an accurate beautiful beautiful actor was a pussy machine had a tremendous there was white with blue interior i was slinging dick in the sticks of boulders had the luxury package oh my god the dominican stereo in their speakers when my ex-wife saw that car she had a fucking heart attack what you what happened to the truck truck ain't no cowboy bitch that was your poster i need a slinging dick car you know i'm saying oh my god she hated me for it every day was it a sedan it was a two-door coupe nice beautiful with those nice rims when i banged the car up i had to fucking rob a dealership to get the good rims and put it on there mike kessler i had to leave my car in the garage pump it take the whole rims off each rim was 2200 i'm not paying for that they were like high-end rims that the kid put on the car before he sold it to me so i'm on the way to denver nugget i hit black ice and i fucked up and damaged one of the tires and the tire was going like the whole thing was burnt so i got somebody to fix it but then the tie the rim was fucked up so we're like how am i gonna get a rim for 2200 i go why steal one when we could steal four of them so i fucking jocked the car with my man mike we took two tires first i went to date them bro i used to do damage at that dealership and bold i'm not gonna tell you the name but i robbed thank god son single-handedly i robbed it i busted and they were i went in on a friday and they were talking about bonuses for the next day cash at the bank i heard that fucking thing later that night i went over and i broke around the back was an acuber dealer the door was wide open i walked in there found the spiff box took everything out of there 400 the next day somebody for the dealership called me and goes joey did you rob the dealership last night because they're blaming on little wayne means i'm like no i didn't touch that dealership then when he saw me we started he goes i know you robbed it you heard i was like you also worked at this dealership i worked there at the subaru side earlier and then i got into an argument with the manager and i quit and then they after prison they put me on the accurate side they go we'll give you another how do you get the promotion after going to prison i don't know it just they liked me so i went back over there and i got the accurate job and i lasted like a month and a half well yeah because you're robbing the place not really not no i was a salesman i robbed the place when i stopped working then i needed money that summer to pay oh you weren't even working there again no and i went up there to see my friend and while i'm there this idiot tells the other idiot you gotta go to the bank and get deposit money for tomorrow for spips i thought you mean i missed the part but you were there to see your it's like fucking josh wolf used to say being joey diaz remember being john malkovich being joey diaz this isn't a regular conversation also somebody in the end of the bar i just picked up a thousand dollars i'm gonna hide it in my car overnight i can hear that shit robbery in progress right there i'm one of those dudes when i was robbing i was just listening that's it you just listen and people are that stupid to just say that much stuff in public yeah if they're gonna talk that much stuff in public you might as well rob i got ten of these down in a warehouse on west end really let's go look at it speaking of which i was just thinking about it i'm definitely taking this money out of my wallet now two days later you're at west end but they come back to the bar so many broken come on come on you had an alarm system oh yeah we got we got cameras listen i burnt those fucking cameras okay i had an electrician to go on there for me and gave him 10 points of the fucking cut holy shit how are we talking about i don't know something's in my eye doing fucked up yeah your eyes always fucked up he's telling the guy i need a new room my eyes i want to smack you no dude i was and they put him on the first of all you jinxed me and he was fine no no dude first of all you jinxed me wednesday before the flight you're like listen you haven't had bronchitis in a while it's time to bring it back it's been like five years it's been like five years it's been like five years he has no bronchitis and i don't have bronchitis but i got there and it's a very nice i'm not talking shit about the hotel no the hotel was nice but and i had a room with a balcony it was like the fucking i thought hitler hit you with the mace you were i was fucked up i should have changed rooms and what they said is it was a pet friendly floor and i get like really allergic to dogs and cats i was used to when you got up there you weren't allergic to that floor no but and this is the second time it's happened we're like you ever get an allergy attack that turned into a cold so like that's what happened um i don't know what the fuck were you oh no yeah i don't want to make an issue at your dude i don't know if you even know this i did cause an issue one time well not not even the one you're thinking about in vegas i caused an issue the first time ever in austin and i got oh i've never told anyone this story no we don't want to need to hear it and that's too late okay save it for therapy next week okay okay look at this shape of you what do you got this week i got i got fox with the no no beside that and i got uh i think i got luxor lounge on sunday the next week uh lexington lexington all week well you got thursday night with me the bucket i i can't go that night why not what are you doing it's my wife's birthday but no i'll be i'll be around new york but um you better get it together working on it fucking make it out with a chubby chick every once in a while i'm gonna take one for the team you know what i'm saying i had no idea and it really wasn't even make out it was like a kiss and a hug and i could taste the popcorn and the tongue and shit nah i'm lying to you she was very sweet god bless her you know people come and go man that's a part of growing up i'll be at foxwoods and then tickets go on sale well they went on sale last night at seven o'clock for horse on the 19th ain't gonna be no tickets left so 22 on the seat so that's gonna be fun it'll be seven o'clock show that's it get out of there go get some tacos friday wake up stem cell saturday go to fucking thing i see eddie eddie's coming in friday night so i'm excited about that i got him and all this shit's coming out true people are saying he was crazy he talked about pizzagate he talked now they're making videos about it that he was fucking right all those that there's as long as there's a war they can't relieve the emstein file he was saying this four years ago three years ago when i was down he was talking about things that were going on now and they all pertain to that file fucking tremendous shit here's some conspiracy theories i haven't heard your favorite two years so with him it's always great and i'll be back uh saturday night before and then a month later i get the knee taken out i'll be walking around like a gimp but i'm looking forward to it yeah i can't start from scratch this shit's gonna break any day though telling you guys to this shit i don't want to call you in two weeks and go dog i'm in the hospital they're doing emergency surgery this bone broke it feels fucked up it just cracked you heard it you guys heard it should we not be walking much anymore at all no no i'm gonna sit at home and get 80 pounds on me and not walk fuck you why do you think 80 pounds because that's what happens when you stop exercising for some bullshit injury i thought your legs gonna snap listen it hasn't snapped yet it's like the old it's like the old thing we got to take this to old america for us to succeed as americans everybody wants to make america beautiful this is how it was when i was growing up you're sick come to work puke at work and i'll let you go okay we're fair so i'm gonna give up now i'm gonna give up i can't walk i can't i was doing deadlifts today i'm gonna give up i'm gonna sit at home until the surgery and fucking eat dilly dally and then i'll be eight years away from i'll be 68.3 right now i'm at 63.4 holding steady yeah but are you making this decision or is a doctor involved in this i'm not involved in this i'm not involved in this i'm not involved in this of you doing deadlifts on half of a leg no people tell they'll tell you to stay home so listen to them fuck him fuck him i gotta keep my dick alive number one and number two you got to go into that surgery stronger than ever because you're gonna you're gonna be in that hospital for a night and then you're gonna assume you're gonna be home for four or five days and you you think it's hard to build muscle see how quick it is to lose muscle after this i'm not saying to do nothing but i'll be there at home with a fucking dumbbell for two days just doing these just to because it helps you heal the body quick what about the things like you just let lay your leg on like and you like kneel and like roll it has legs for the to roll all right ladies and gentlemen you heard it all it's gonna be all right another fun-filled fucking podcast the church of what's happening now new testament on a beautiful fucking tuesday it's gonna be 70 degrees again tomorrow then whatever happens happens i don't give a fuck jack i love you lee have a great week and uh we'll see you next week tip-top magoo with alberto crane say good night lee good night stay black I'll see you next time.