It's about time

kick this motherfucking meal lee what's up beautiful people the church of what's happening now new edition is in full effect the snow held us back for one day that's it but we're back like the mailman you know i'm saying anyway it's wednesday the 28th of january the month is almost over but the hell with it we're here what up dog i'm happy to be here that was i know you are jesus christ that i love chicago that shit it wasn't even the same it barely snowed there but it was fucking the coldest i i have no idea how you'd walk outside and you're like everything would hurt i i can't and i'm fat i can't even imagine being skinny and like dude some of these places are crazy they're fucking cold man that's a listen january is great if you want to sell tickets right like to those places buffalo walkie nobody got nothing to do right they shovel snow and they fucking go home so when you go up to do a show but at the same time you got to realize shit could go down now with me i always look at that fucking weather oh you always gotta look at that weather six months in advance but listen you knew wednesday that hell was gonna come down yeah but i'm not gonna cancel a weekend and i would have backed that thing up till thursday to see what was gonna happen we're living in a fucking system now where people didn't listen anymore now the weather people got you listening again because they've been pretty fucking good this year they've been pretty fucking good this year and new jersey 12 has been pretty good this year they've been on them my little gay guy has been throwing heat at new jersey 12 with his light little fucking snowshoes and shit oh my god but you know so you have to just and i'm not saying cancel i didn't say cancel just prepare we're gonna get hit and at first you're like well it's a bunch of gentiles just scaring white people on cnn and fox and new jersey 12 but thank god listen 17 inches a lot of fucking snow yeah they got two feet up uh by massachusetts but i i was hoping because i don't know but when you were when you were like flying a lot did you like study the weather like i was watching i was watching the weather all the time i was looking at the maps i was like oh my god i'm gonna get hit and i'm gonna if i leave i was on the 6 a.m flight out sunday i was like if i leave i'm gonna miss it by this much i don't want to well you can't go on the minutes and the hours even though they were good again because they predicted 3 a.m i got up at 3 just to test those motherfuckers i had a p and i looked at the window and i'm like motherfuckers i got up two hours later and it was a different story i'm like oh shit yeah these motherfuckers hit it on the head and it was that little snow that little snow the little things that's real fluffy when you see those just go in the house and put your galoshes on and get ready to shovel like a motherfucker oh it's not the big ones it's the little ones because it was continuous you didn't even see it from your window you're like i'd stop snowing then you looked out there you're like oh fuck so you know listen i'm not worried about me being delayed i'm worried about the people's fucking fly in so nobody comes to my show on saturday am i petrified in baklava wherever the fuck you are but again you got no choice but to go to the show it's either that or a love boat for the 80th fucking time yeah you understand me i mean that's i'm all i'm not thinking about me getting back i'm also thinking about let's let's look at the whole experience so i'm gonna fly in thursday morning we're gonna do a show thursday night and then flurries are supposed to start friday and it's a foot of snow what are we doing if it was that yeah why are we going now because they're uncomfortable now friday is gonna be shit saturday is gonna be even more shit it didn't it didn't really start until saturday no that's the problem you had that was it it started at four oh my god but i when i'm home i actually like a snowstorm i just start looking at the weather i go out and i just watch yeah but it's different when you're in a room in chicago it's different when you're not home see so that was i was just i'm a nervous motherfucker so i was the whole time trying to get out i was gonna fly i was gonna fly from chicago to detroit to albany and then take a train from albany down and i almost did it but then one thing i was like nah don't do it and i i would have got to detroit but then i would have been stuck in detroit but as you told me that yeah the guy came on and he's like whoo he's like we gotta we're gonna do it we're flying to california or something and we flew to texas and then they said they didn't have a flight so we had to drive an hour and then we went there and they said that we had to go to another airport so we took an uber they flew to somewhere and the plane got canceled yeah oh so now they're stuck in a different fucking town dude the entire time i was looking at it i just had you in my head being like you're doing it like a puerto rican like that was the entire thing in my head this is why you bring your own weed your own edibles so sunday morning you get up and you're like it's a play day i'm not gonna i'm not gonna what i tell you when i called you i said that's a text you get from the airline as you're as you're going to put your luggage up your plane's been delayed god damn it so i go listen here's the advice lee it's gonna snow and you know this you know the you know the airport's gonna be fucked up so let's do this saturday night lee batavia right after the show no dicking around no talking to nobody like i do right from the stage to the car you don't need to talk to nobody the check is in your pocket go you shoot up to the airport close to the hotel now you're there yeah we did that now you're there and when you check out don't don't check out bring your key with you because if you go back to that airport and they're like well you're not here till four what are you doing here sit here till four no so you got carry on see i have checking that's oh i well i normally check because i'm a lazy jew and i don't want to lug that suitcase with me but dude that was that was the smartest i tip you gave me to not i never check out i don't understand why people check i always just leave a hotel how do you check out they're gonna check you out anyway yeah exactly you're gonna get the email with the receipt i've never once had to check out so don't check out take the key with you yeah so if they delay you you go back to the airport like nothing happened oh like hop along because of these you're in there now 8 30 flight you just rested for seven hours you haven't been at that airport that airport a way to fuck out that would have sucked i fucking drinking eight dollar water you know because then you just get you just get hungry because you got nothing to do oh dude you go to three different places you go to the taco place the fried chicken place dude it's the food's not great but i that i have the delta credit card so i can go to the lounge and i save the because they're cheap mother they used to let you go whenever you want and now it's 15 times a year you can go to the lounge so i save it for that so i i eat and drink everything in that motherfucking lounge so it's i don't spend a dime a couple weeks so i flew out of newark and i got that they said for 25 bucks you get the fucking admirals club right i said tack it on just who gives a fuck at 25 bucks yeah beat the nine dollar water it was beautiful oh it's dude there was a shower in the one in chicago you fucking sit there and you're like oh my god i'm gonna go to the you plug in your shit you want to get something a cocktail oh everything's in there like fucking doctors oh it it's great but i had actually a really good day in chicago on sunday because i don't yeah i don't get to do nothing ever i always have to do something i didn't put clothes on for the entire i wasn't i just laid in my bed ate every snack that i i stole snacks from the club nobody criticizes you it's the best nobody could say hey you're lazy get up dog we ain't got nowhere to go i don't know nobody in this town there's a chinese place that delivers i got weed i got rolling papers i got edibles there's a game at seven that's it there were two games it was great but it was i don't know because i didn't it was so cold that i didn't want to go outside and smoke it was so cold oh yeah you can't that i was just gotta you the staircase up on top so the smoke don't go through all the staircases so you get the highest floor you go to i didn't think about that and then walk down then you pop out of the second floor what happened i don't know was somebody smoking i smelled something but i don't know someone called jay uh jake and josh were doing like a facebook live or something and the hotel called them and said they got a complaint about smoking they weren't smoking someone someone they thought i was i was fucking with them someone must have called the hotel dude i would love to see you in the hotel to smoke in a hotel like just be able to smoke weed in a hotel room in a hotel room yeah that would be what is it what do they charge you like 50 that might be worth it well 250 might be worth it if it's freezing cold oh yeah and you're just gonna sit there all day and just put your legs up and they knock on the door excuse me we smell marijuana smoke you're right you did smell here's 250 tack it on tack it on it's a free for a motherfucker but 250 i'm going going off in this motherfucker. I'm going off. You understand me? If I got to spend $2.50 to smoke reefer. I'm getting that $2.50. I'm smoking an ounce in this mother fucker. I'm going to make the curtains purple. I don't give a fuck. Smoking a joint in bed is probably the happiest I'll ever be. Like a doctor until it burns on fire. Until your pillowcase and your fucking head. That sucks. When you go to ash it and like a little ember goes and then get a little hole in the sheets. But it's okay. Just not to leave. That's why you got to bring a vapor pen too. Yeah. Because the vapor pens for the hotel room, the joint is for the outside. And just have it in there. Get your shaving kit. Put a vapor pen in there. Put your fucking weed in there. Before you leave, charge up the vapor pen. And it's in your shave kit. Yeah. You're not going to smoke it at home. No vapor pen. But in a hotel room at 7 in the morning just to get you started. Just to put a little elevation under your fucking wing. Not bad at all. Not bad. Dude, I didn't have to. Josh doesn't care. But you told Josh that if I didn't do mushrooms Friday night, that he should fire me. Fire you. On the spot. Fire you. It's over. No more playing fucking games. So, oh, dude, I did the most. I think the most I've ever done. I told you. He told me. 2.8 or something. Yeah, he was going to pile it on. Oh, my God. Pile it on. He hasn't been on the road in two months and he needs a little dose of mushrooms. Oh, my. And, dude, I was up. I was up. I was up all. I don't know how you and you guys can fall asleep on those things. I was up until six in the morning. I had to Uber Eats a sleeping pill and my hotel room. Do you like tubs? Will you take a bath? I don't know. How do I want to take a shower when I sit in the shower? You said, oh, I grew up sitting in the shower. Yeah, I sit in the shower. I sit in the tub. I don't give a fuck. But now they have these nicer hotels. They take the fucking bathroom door off. So you got to take a shower with no bathroom door and you step out and there's a fucking ocean in front of you and you're going to slip and break your fucking neck because that's the vibe that's made for people who take three minute showers who are allergic to water. People just want to go in. I did a quick rinse off. You didn't wash. You didn't put soap on your asshole. You didn't fucking loo for your legs. You did nothing. Right. You just went in the fucking shower and got wet. That's for people, you know, that go in that shit. Oh, yeah. Dude, I didn't take one. Dude, my hotel room in Batavia had a tub with a T. TV in the mirror. I was in that the entire weekend. I had I had Diet Cokes. I had my little notebook. I was, dude, we took mushrooms. I was probably in there from 11 p.m. till five in the morning. Oh, yeah. Just keep putting some water in. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Now, do you understand why you can't bring somebody on the road? Oh, yeah. You understand now? It's nice. It's love. It's great. But that's your time. That's your time. When you get stuck on a Sunday, you should, when you're married, you're ecstatic. Because you have a week to day to yourself? Nothing I can do. So, you're thinking of going to Uncle Charlie's to jump up and down? Do it on your own. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. And you love it. Because that's part of the comic life. Waking up in a hotel on Sunday morning and going, I got nowhere. I'm stuck. Now, I create another day for myself, which creates material. Yeah. That's how you advance as a comic. Not by bringing somebody in a room with you. Dog, I love pussy. Love it. You understand me? Love it. But I don't want it. Because I got to deal with you after the piece of pussy. And I want you out. I want you out. I want you out. I don't need you in the room when I'm writing. We didn't do anything today. That's perfectly fine. I didn't bring you here to do anything. There's nothing to do in Batavia. Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. And, you know, you're a comic. And after a while, you're going to work with other comics that bring their girlfriends and they leave afterward. And you're going to see. You're going to go, what the fuck was the point of that? Not that you're going to be there to pick up women. You're a comic. They didn't want to become a comic. They didn't want to take the chance and experience it. Fuck them. Fuck them. I was going to. They didn't want to take the chance and become comedians. So fuck them now. Fuck them. Sit at home. But I can't have you there. I'm working. And the whole weekend is work. It's not just the five fucking shows. It's your time. Every day you got to get up at eight and drink juice and get in front of the computer. Guess what, bitch? I don't have to do that. Don't remind me. I don't want to get up because I don't want to go to a fucking museum. I don't want to go for no walk. I don't want to see a statue. I don't want to see nothing. I came here to do comedy. I don't know. You know, and that's where people forget. I got a big problem next week and I got a show. And part of the deal is that I eat dinner with them before the show. Oh, you're doing it before? It's not going to work. I had to break it to him today. No. Yeah. You can't do that. That would ruin the show. I'd rather lose the gig. Are you going to go to dinner after or no? No. Do the, because if I, if you don't want to do it. If you go out there first. Right. They get to become your buddy. Now it's harder to be funny. Yeah. The thing of you coming out, that's part of it is you coming out. It's like when you are a headliner and you go into a town and your mother's in the audience, so you pop your head up and start waving at your mom or go out before the show, you just bombed. Really? You just bombed. Interesting. I don't give a fuck who's out there. You don't need to go out there. Okay. I don't need that. Mom, you know the fucking deal. And these are the people. See, it's not the people that you meet at a restaurant and gay, Hey, do you want two tickets? They're easy. It's the people you love that make those shows a fucking nightmare. I'm cold. I don't know where to go. Listen, there's signs everywhere, right? You know, there's signs everywhere. We'll call. What would you do if I wasn't here? Yeah. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's, it's not the people it's like whenever a UFC fighter fights at home and his hometown, I bet against because he's been on the phone for three days. He's been on the phone for four days. I don't know. I don't know. Where's my tickets? Why am I sitting up here? I just want to beat somebody up. Yeah. I don't need this shit. Hey, we're here. Okay. So am I. Yeah. There's a thing about comedy. That is great. We can hold hands, but that's not what it's for. That's not what comedy is for. I don't want you in love when you're on stage. I want you to be you. Let me see how you look. Oh my God. How do I look? I don't, I don't give a fuck how you look. I don't give a fuck how you look. In two days. Okay. I'm focused on standup. And that focus that you give her, that conversation, that's 10%. You're going to bomb. 10%. 10%. Because it's drawing off you. I don't want nobody drawing off me on game day. At all. At all. On game day, you guys see me. I don't want nobody drawing off me. At all. At all. On game day, you guys see me making around. I go to my hotel room. Dude, I used to die. I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't want to see nobody. Because I'm wasting my energy. You want to be cute and go to dinner. And now you get on stage. And peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Because you just talked for an hour and a half. Yeah. You just talked for an hour and a half at dinner. That's it. Every time they see you, you pop out to see your girlfriend. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? 10 points. Go down. Dude. People used to always be like, well, what is it like when you go on the road? Because I didn't go on the road with you much. But when I went on the road with you, I probably wouldn't see you until the show time. And if I did, even if, like, even in San Diego, I'd be like, you want to go get lunch? You'd be like, I have a block, a block radius from the hotel. Well, what if we go here? It's a 10-minute walk. I mean, it's a 10-minute walk. I probably wouldn't see you until the show time. And if I did, even in San Diego, I'd be like, you want to go get lunch? I have a block radius from the hotel. Nope. You could see the hotel from the restaurant we were at. It's game day. You're paying me to perform, not to do anything else. Yeah, in your mind, you bring your girl. Let's go to the Rock and Roll Museum. Shut the fuck up. You're going to go to the Suck and Cock Museum. That's the only museum we're going to. You suck in my cock in the room. Anything else is not going to work. That's why I don't want you in my room. I don't want you in my room. I don't give a fuck how much I love you. I don't want you in my room on game day or the whole fucking weekend. I don't want to see you the whole fucking weekend. I want to be an animal. I don't want to be in love. It's great that she's there watching you. You want to be an animal. People don't go to the circus to see the clowns. They go to see the tigers and the lions. And when you're around a woman, you can't be a fucking tiger. Like a fucking asshole. That's all of us. Yeah. That's all of us. I got, it was, this was my first like five show weekend in a while. And I was listening to my sets over the weekend. And Thursday, I didn't do well. It was fine. It was like a C, C minus. But I got better and better. The set got better. It got better and better throughout the weekend. It was like the first time I was able to like go through. That's what it's supposed to be. And adjust things. You go over your material. But if I'm in the room going over my material and I'm bored. There's nothing on TV. I'm hungry. Now that energy taken away from you. You're hungry? Eat a fucking Snickers bar. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. You know, I'm doing the same thing. I'm living on the profits of crime. There's nobody in this fucking town. Only dominoes delivered. And I live in New York. I refuse to get dominoes out of respect. Yeah. I'd rather eat my fingers and starve. So it looks like you get popcorn in the vending machine or go to bed. Go to bed, but I'm not here to entertain you. I just entertain 400 people, two shows. I got to do two more shows tomorrow night. And I don't know, the room was dry, my sinuses. I don't get that. That shit doesn't even apply to me. If they're sinus-y, I pick my nose and I put water in it. That's it. That's it. What the fuck is wrong with you? And this is why I don't like bringing nobody. I love my wife. I don't want her to show. I love my daughter. I don't want her to fucking show. See, thank God I don't give a fuck. And I say in front of my daughter what the fuck I want. She knows. She's heard it before. But we have two different things. I can't go up there with my wife in the audience and go out and yell, talk about me and her asshole or something. These women are all going to look at her and go, what the fuck? What's going on? He's your asshole? And then my wife has to sit there like a fucking moron. Gone. Gone. I don't want you there. Stay at home. Don't worry about it. Dude, I love and I'm very happy being married. But being alone, because even going back to L.A., I love being alone. Yeah. And I have between. You got into comedy not to join them. Improv troupe. You didn't get into comedy to join a gang. You didn't join. What's it when the five black guys to jump up and down? Bell, Bibb, DeVoe and all. You didn't join that. You didn't join a boys group. I don't know what you're talking about. You didn't bring. And comedy don't call for backup singers. No. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But even without comedy. This fits your personality. Oh, yeah. There's people that would lose their mind in a hotel by themselves. Oh, it's my favorite. On a Saturday. There's people that would lose their mind. So why would you? Why would you want to ruin that and bring a wife or a girlfriend? Sometimes it is fun, but it is. It's not supposed to be fun. It's never fun. You know, it's never fun. And especially some of you married to. I can see if you bring up you flying a bitch in for the weekend. That's completely different. She boogies on Sunday. You go back to your life on fucking Sunday. But you've been with her all week. Now you bring her to fucking work to talk about the same shit. She's been talking about all week. And this isn't just your wife. No, I know what you're talking about. This is everybody's fucking wife. My wife is the worst. The worst. You know, did you feel the draft from the window? I don't feel that shit. White people only feel. I feel a draft coming from that door. What draft? What draft are you talking about? And that's the problem you have. The road for a comic, it's for you. It's for you. When people go on business conferences, they don't bring their fucking wives. They don't. Dude, I go to business conferences for my day job. People go to that to drink and to hook up. That's all they do. That's it. Dude, and it's everything. Well, I want to come. Listen, there's no room for you. Sorry. This is a business trip. I don't want to go to your fucking business trips. Not at all with those boring people. Let's make a deal. I won't go to yours and you won't go to mine. That's why I listen to music with headphones. So no one will talk to you? No, because I'm not going to make you listen to my music. But don't even think for a second I want to listen to yours. Yeah. So I'll put earphones on. I'll never intrude your privacy. But don't get in your car and go, hey, you got to hear this. No, I don't want to. No, I don't want to. Hold on. Listen to this lyric. Listen, I don't want to. You don't understand. I feel like. Are you just saying that more often? Like, no, just someone asked you to do something like, no, I don't want to. Fuck that. Like, I feel like not that you weren't nice before, but like, I feel like now as you get older, you're just like telling people, fuck off. Well, I'm going to give you the whole thing here. Just so you know. You know, man, when you're single, you're doing it for anybody. Right. You're doing anything. Hey, man, I'm moving some couches Saturday. I'm going to get some fucking pizza from Domino's and some shitty beer. Come over. You do it. And then you got a girlfriend and we're comedians. So we are naturally whores. You know, I just saw something today. Stop playing a certain comic because he won't stop whoring himself. We're whores by nature. You know, like I said to you, if Nick called me right now. Hey, Joey. I have a gig. Yep. Wednesday night. It's 200. All right. I can't do it. You're going to call Nick within an hour. You're going to go in that bathroom. Nick, I'll do it for 125. This is why I don't ever be a comedian's union. This is why I don't ever be because we're whores. Yeah. It's not a whore union, right? A prostitute doesn't come to your house and go, you got to pay me union labor scale. No. Some of you will suck your dick for $10. Okay. There's somebody out there. You just got to look. You got to look real hard. But there's somebody out there that'll suck your dick for $2,000. Right. And there's somebody out there that'll suck it for the small $10 bill. Oh, my God. I can't even imagine what that would be like. A $10 blowjob. That sounds terrible. I still remember having mercy. Mercy being like seven, maybe six, seven. And taking her to a kickboxing class two times a week. You remember? Mm-hmm. And I was pretty committed. I'd take her. I'd talk to Keita. And I would sit there from five to six. At first, I didn't notice it because I thought it was natural, you know? Bah. Bah. Bah. And after 30 minutes, you're like, I just got 18 fucking calls in 25 minutes. None of them were important. Yeah. When I really think about them, none of them was important. Why do you think I yell at Nick when I see him on the phone? Because ain't nobody sending him money on that phone after five. He could pound it all he wants. There's nothing coming in. Why are you looking at it? Minda's home. Mom is home. Get off that fucking phone. That's how I look at it. After five, there's no business for me. There's no. There's the bottom line. People are addicted to it. I love how you. What's the bottom? I'm fucking lying. Why are you on the phone? Who are you texting? Does it have something to do with money or is it just stupidity? Stupidity. So after a while, you look at your phone and you're going, I'm getting 30 calls an hour. 20 of them got nothing to do with me. Five of them are from people that are looking for something from me. And the other five are from people who go, hey, I got this gig. Pays $250 and you're going to love it. Listen. I don't love anything. You know, and in between that, in between people's premieres, in between people's podcasts, in between just. You lose yourself. You lose yourself. You lose what your family is. You lose what your wife is. You lose it all. You know? And we already had those problems with stand-up. Well, I'll fucking turn my back on everybody if I'm doing great stand-up and I'm on the road. There's no reason to chit-chat. You know? Right. So when I moved here, I'm like, I got a fucking seven-year-old daughter. I got a wife. Why am I doing this? Right. My first three months here, I wish you guys could hear the phone calls I was getting. About what? Wish. The balls on people. I was just in a fucked up state. But I feel like getting all those people now and going, what the fuck were you thinking? It was open season on Joe Diaz. Yeah. Everybody was my friend. And for the first 90 days. Hey! Come. I'm picking you up. We're taking you to my buddy's gun shop. What? That type of shit. Right. Oh, my God. Hey, we're going to Central Park to, you know, play Frisbee, like Paul Veazey says. Yeah. I ain't got that. No. I ain't got that. You know? I don't want to harp on it. You know, when you're 20, you keep going. I don't know. I don't want to do this shit. I'll do it when I'm 30. I know a lot of motherfuckers have said that. About what? I don't need to get my life together. Oh, okay. I mean, you're 35. You go through a divorce. You got no money. You're a loser. And you're like, I'll get this shit together when I'm 40. And then comes 44. You're still starting coke. You're still cheating on your girlfriend. You haven't paid child support in two weeks. You know? So it never ends. Dude. Now you go, okay, when I'm 50, I'll get it together. And that's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. I got my shit cleaned up when I was 44 years old. It took me six years to figure out who the fuck I was and what I was doing and why was I even in California. And then for some fucking reason, a podcast came along. We got to tell our stories and the rest is history. Yeah. But after I got home, I was like, what am I doing? You know, people call me. Hey, we're having a family reunion this weekend? if you want to come down my kids and their friends can't wait to see you go fuck yourself oh there's nothing i like more than hearing someone ask you something that you don't want to do last week after the podcast we went out to dinner very nice guy but the server walked up to you was like hey you really gotta try this place has a new brunch menu the best avocado toast and i just i was just waiting for it and he's like i'm gonna pick you up saturday we'll go meanwhile nick and i ordered cheeseburgers and he forgot the cheese he forgot that he blamed us he's like he was reading off of his order thing he said nick you wanted cheddar no cheese and lee you wanted american no cheese but meanwhile he's talking about the brunch avocado toast don't worry about the brunch i don't want to go you're never going to see me at a brunch brunch is for faggots okay that means i gotta sit there with champagne and moses and make believe i'm interested it's 11 o'clock in the morning i'm not interested in none of you yeah uh one american no cheese it's it's and that's the problem that people got something else going forget it we don't have to do a thing okay you're never gonna i never walked in and go i went to the finest brunch at eight in the morning dog okay i ate at eight seven fifteen seven i'm not waiting till 11 to have a champagne you're not waiting in line and make believe i'm important you know we would do brunch we don't do dick we're from jersey okay you do breakfast the fuck are you talking about why are you trying to be somebody you're not oh we did we do brunch and mimosas you're a fucking faggot that's why you're just waiting for a dick to fly out of the sky and go right up your ass you're a fucking faggotoid that's why you enjoy brunch what's a faggotoid like a fucking alien dick sucker i don't fucking know oh my god so my point is lee that at some point you have to look at the phone and go why am i so fortunate you know i'm saying like why am i so fortunate to not do that no no like hey like i got one three weeks ago perfect he caught me like in a week minute okay like hey man uh some fucking idiot from one of those people i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know fox shows okay he's doing a podcast and they really want you on and i'm like okay and i'm like when do you want i thought he was gonna say like january he's like how about tomorrow i'm like i don't know about tomorrow hit me up next week this guy's been hitting me up every week on monday by next week you know after two times you're like all right i'll move on this we're going on the eighth week already hey how's it look this week it's not gonna happen i'm surprised you're going in the city to do a political podcast i'm 63 and that's four hours out of my day ain't gonna happen i'm surprised you haven't pulled the oh i'm i'm doing it and then the day of canceling i did that last week i did that last week for the poor are you garbage guys well that one you actually hurt yourself you know what the problem is i'm gonna tell you what the two things two things is this okay and i'm gonna be honest with you or everybody two things i'm older and i don't have time for your stupid fucking event and you know i just don't i got a wife and a daughter and they're first you get the scraps number two i'm 63 so you know what the scraps are that nice chair you saw me sitting on last monday night yeah that's my scraps if you see i got everything i need this syringes bt 500 i got everything okay sodas weed so that's the scraps right there so now you want me to drive for it once it involves driving you lost everything involves driving you lost so make it closer to my house if you want me to show up but once you add driving to that it just decreases especially on certain times you just i what what do you mean certain times there's a zero percent chance of you drive you have like a 10 minute driving distance and then you don't do i love when people ask me wow when is joey gonna come to the show what people ask me i can't tell you the offers i've gotten for you for people like i have a show in and outside of hartford it seats 150 i want joey and then they'll be like i'll let you feature too i'm like oh boy oh boy what a treat i'll tell you what i'll do i'll headline i'll let joey know how it is and if it works out i have joey there and then you don't even tell joey no you don't even say nothing to me you just if they're gonna be that stupid you're gonna be that stupid crafty i need to start being yeah you're gonna be that stupid but that's the reality of it lee i'm old i'm tired i have a window right now i have a window guys remember when you were young you had like all day 10 o'clock 11 30 hey what are you doing let's go for a slice of pizza sure it's one in the morning what's your window i feel like your window now is like 9 a.m to 10 30 i feel like i feel like you're you go do one thing in the morning and you're done with 1 p.m that's it i know and then what time to nap and then you're just then you're home go home relax go on the computer a little bit maybe go on draft kings once i start getting nausea it means it's nap time like today i took a nap fucking three o'clock you get nauseous every day a little that means i gotta go to sleep damn so today i had a little chicken cordon bleu from fiori's i love chicken cordon pieces come on dog fucking unreal oh they're in staten island so we'll stop in there i'm gonna call them tomorrow to have 200 of those chicken cordon blues for us what are you gonna have those are all for you give me an abx and some uh some diet coke and a fucking we're gonna have a tray of chicken on saturday night dude a chocolate bread chicken sandwich and i'm getting uh what the dollar what the dollar is the flavor of the week okay what's the dollar with a little wet moots oh god almighty a little prosciutto on that motherfucker with a roasted pepper or something come on now no caramel fucking dressing that's for fucking chubby diabetic people i don't like that shit oh my god the farts that you're gonna be having no there's no i'm only gonna eat a little piece i can't eat that much anymore but i'm taking that chocolate bread to go yeah me too tell tell royal crown i need a whole i need that look that they gave her and i feel really bad because i don't explain myself that's my biggest problem in life i don't explain and i was doing a good job with jokes for the pandemic like i would say something off color and then i would back it yeah and people go okay it's not bad that's assault i had on pizza a few weeks ago that's assault on anything anything that is a waste of my time like that long of a window anything that could be anything that could be i say it's pizza because i don't know how people find all this time but it could be anything right it could be like what we used to do when we were 20 we threw the time away we threw time away if somebody if george called me and said hey you want to go see the drummer from the stones charlie watts doing a thing tonight i'd go with george if i was 25 at 62 i want to see charlie watts like i want to see a black dick in the dark oh dude and that getting back to the phone that's i think the biggest one like the amount of time and i'll be just even me that i waste on the phone is like looking like in the moment it doesn't seem that bad like that's why i don't do i don't do screen time because i don't need that i don't need to know how much i look at my phone no i do the screen time and you look at it every monday on the on the computer and last week i was down 38 minutes you spent 38 minutes a day or you were down 38 minutes 38 minutes a day like i don't even damn it's getting to the point where there's some days i put a shift in it's too much it's just guys it's like you know and that's all i mean to tell people it's an ecology it's not ecology it's an economic of time what is your time worth and what is your time worth and how much time do you have to give when you're 26 you have a lot of time to give an effort you know i wish i got on stage every night i gotta stay two nights in a row i'm done for the week legs hurt back hurts you know i was talking to somebody that's an older comic and he goes joey it's getting to the point where i can't do 10 o'clock shows no more no shit because as a fucking good comic you want to be able to give them two great shows but there comes a point where i can give you one and a half you know i'm saying like i give you one show that's good then the second show i'm gonna start getting tired in that 20 minute mark you know why because i gotta wait an hour in between shows and i stiffen up and when you're 40 and you stiffen up it's a lot different than when you're 60 and 50 and you're stiff enough once you're stiffen up you're done it's like if i take you to the gym okay and we do a good workout 32 minutes we're walking and all of a sudden some guy comes up to you and gives you a near beat and you don't want to go away because the guy's a nice guy but your body just chilled you've been talking to him for eight minutes that's it the pump you had is gone your heart rate dropped to fucking 92 it's back you know so right it's like it's over what am i doing here i'm the city if and keep doing and that you know that's what i think a lot of it was you just see what you're wasting your time in talking nobody wasted more time than me nobody i couldn't pay rent till i was in my 40s what is that what does that tell you as funny as it is it's fucking scary don't fucking tell me about losing time you know i lost three years of my life with some bullshit fucking thing in boulder and for years i tried to get time back to replace that i can never replace that because then i had 29 years of coke how many hours did i put into scoring coke thinking about coke getting it beating somebody who am i gonna fuck after i do the coke all that effort that's all that's seven hours of your fucking day so for 30 years i lost an average of five hours a fucking day thinking about that shit damn so tell me about somebody who is not trying to make up why do you think people get so mad about like that pizza thing because they don't they don't see well i don't i failed to explain it well it's just a waste of fucking time this is not kentucky we are not in minneapolis we are not in san diego there is good pizza every mile not even less and new york so do you understand i'm trying to say to you for you to come to me on a wednesday and tell me you want to drive an hour and a half to get a tight piece of pizza it's not necessary unless you want to brag about it unless you want to be one of those retards yeah an instagram picture like the giants you want to brag about pizza you want to walk around the city you want to walk around the city you want to walk in and go i went down there and it was give us a fuck give us a fuck it all tastes the same it's called that's the same tomato on it i don't want to get started in this again but that's what i try to mean that we've all people who listen to this podcast you know it we've all lost fucking time and there's some days maybe you don't think about it maybe not important to you it was fucking important to me and it still is important to me that god gave you an allotment of time and you decided to waste it on the jets oh my god you're gonna be in a fucking casket going and your friends are gonna be there with the jet jerseys and all the fat fucks would buy a beat ease and whatever the fuck it is you know do you think and that's it i just want you to think back and go bro that wasn't a waste of time most of the people listening to this podcast are between 20 and 40 maybe 35 that's all i say i'm not putting you down because you eat pizza i'm putting the the thought of taking that much energy for a piece of fucking thing it's too much do you think that you feel you feel this way because you've always felt this way but do you think it's gotten more since you spent time in the hospital last year it'll open my eyes to see what's even more important what's even more important and i feel bad when i tell somebody no like the same time i gotta think of me right do you feel bad when you say no i'm not gonna think of you i'm not gonna think of you i'm not gonna think of you no fuck you maybe with some people i said yes for so long i said yes for so fucking long you know i said yes for so fucking long at one point you gotta go i can't do it i'll give you the money i can't drive you to newark i don't have that i can't do these things anymore i'll tell you what i can do i can help you out a little bit maybe you could take your bicycle i don't know go to a place where you can go and do it but i can't do it i can't do it i can't do it i can't get one of those little i saw that on the news the other day those little faggy white kids and hoboken riding a bike bikes yeah they got little bikes you can rent and the people on it it's too expensive oh jesus it went up two dollars for the whole subscription you're riding a bike and hoboken you got a death wish hoboken in jersey city i wouldn't ride a bike in jersey city if you fucking paid me dude i rode one for about six seconds in new york i know they had they had one on this because usually they lock them up and then someone left them and they're like oh my god i left it there and i rode it on the sidewalk for about four seconds and i i just could see me getting hit by a car so i'm like dude very good for you for foreseeing the future very good because a lot of people don't do that now let's take a bike yeah let's take a bike my girlfriend thought it was a good idea listen one eighth avenue okay there's no bikes up here no you want to get a bike go to the country yeah well get yourself one of those with the three people just make sure you're far away from me because i will throw a rock at your fucking head if i see you lee and his wife on the thing and the father-in-law oh my god while you're in the rickshaw yeah well the chinese guy would fucking becky's uncle drive me i would love that's all i mean people that's all i mean that's all think of the words i say that you have that luxury i use that example and this could be for anything at one point do you go you know what the jets haven't won a super bowl since 1969 what are we doing here what are we doing here what am i wasting my time with these bumps for every fucking year every year at one point you go enough i'm gonna go follow hockey i'm gonna follow coco whatever coco gosh and tennis oh yeah i can't see these people their lifetime fans are losers you're a lifetime fan of losers at what point do you go what am i a fucking idiot and this is what i say to you when you drive right you have a drive and the guy in front of you is doing 45 right okay and you get in the middle lane i forgot what i was gonna say no the guy driving 45 and then you get in the middle lane and you're driving like 55 but then you get on the right lane and guess what it's wide open and you're doing 90 and all the other idiots are behind themselves like what the fuck when's this guy gonna move you ever pull up to a light uh-huh and there's a long line and a short line to make a left right if you're in the long line just make the left take a gun and stick it in your mouth and shoot yourself because you took that left lane with all those cars in front of you and you're in the middle lane and you're in the middle lane and you're in the middle lane that means you're a fucking follower you're a fucking father like subconscious you're a follower you just went to the lane because i gotta make sure i know what i'm going no you don't that line right there with one car in it that makes a left too but watch this other line it'll add 80 people 80 people and they see the same shit i see so subconsciously they're followers they're just people drive past y'all come with us we're going for the employer state building okay that's what you're telling me you are right when i get on that fucking car line if i'm in the long line there's a problem i'm a retard okay new jersey has gotten to me the autism rates are real you know what i'm saying oh my god there's a short lane with two cars why are you in the long line because you feel comfortable because you're a fucking sheep because you're a fucking sheep i yeah driving and my mom didn't come from cuba for me to be a sheep nobody's mom came from where the fuck they came from for you to be a sheep that's it that's all i say you know remember years ago you went to a movie theater and the idiots out there the night before the movie was great no it wasn't it sucked but you sat out there for 24 hours what about the idiots that sat outside for batman and they got shot in colorado you know you know it's it's it's i remember yeah dude what about so you had the luxury to sit in front of a movie theater for eight hours where your infant kid tell me why i shouldn't fucking smack you in the mouth tell me again why i shouldn't smack you that's my favorite movie fucking mouth you know a couple weeks ago they opened up that chicken place it's chicken fingers oh canes canes there were people there overnight now again if this was iowa or something like that i get it but this was like in jersey somewhere if you didn't pull up with an ak-47 and just shoot all those people you're doing them a favor it wasn't a terrorist act it was a favor dude they're waiting for fucking chicken tenders even in iowa it's not worth the night before somebody didn't talk to you right somebody didn't hug you right that you're making this a chicken tent i couldn't wait to get the chicken what are you a fucking idiot i can see though the only chicken cutlets i wait online is for georgie k that's it if i'm just going to get the chicken tenders i'm going to get the chicken tenders i get the same generic anywhere you go now you order chicken right i'll get some extra chicken on my fucking letter on my salad and they give you that grilled chicken cut up that tastes like ass i don't want that shit all that shit's the same i fucking you know but think about these things i'm telling you look at these people that get on those long lines they love it yeah i think some places make their service slow they feel at home they're some idiots that got a flight and you gotta see them like this and they're back there like i'm cutting i'm looking for ways i'm buying a first class i'm doing something but i am not i'm lying about it how many times you see me go through lee oh like the first class line even when you don't have first class there's no reason to i don't know nothing but we as americans we listen to everything they tell us and we fucking believe them what about the super bowl comment like would you ever pay ten thousand dollars to see a ticket for a super bowl ticket i'm gonna go down there with those idiots and go see my favorite team pay eight thousand dollars to walk around around a bunch of strangers you're getting pickpocketed there's hookers you know like when you get in a jacuzzi and you get a stye go to fucking the super bowl and go jump in the jacuzzi see what you get you get a lot more than styes oh my god you ever see the 20 uh the 60 minute no hbo sports documentary the remember when the hbo used to have hbo sports that yeah the uh it was like 60 minutes yeah and then interview different people real sports did you ever see what happens when the super bowl happens did you see that when they show that hookers just fly in dog it is it is wild yeah it is every major crime network hooker network gambling network blackjack they fucking go down to that super bowl i remember what it was in atlanta was that was the one i was and like hooker they just they they travel around like strippers do it too not even just hookers but like strippers will come in because they know people are going to be there and they'll take all their money it's crazy listen and i i'm sure for some people the super bowl means a lot more to them i don't have it it's like this super bowl this year how many people gonna invite me over i don't want to watch this fucking game i could care less you don't care at all i care because of you because you're gonna win oh i hope so but besides that i don't like both of these teams i don't i don't get it so the super bowl will be very tough for me this year because i gotta go sit with people what about the commercials what about the commercials oh whoop-dee-doo i can't wait to see one of those saturday night live fred arminson or one of those jerk-offs do some fucking faggy fucking commercial and oh yeah we watch the super bowl for the commercial oh and for bad bunny i can't it's football we want to see black people tackling white people black people tackling white people black people tackling white people white people and vice versa that's it nobody wants to see a halftime singer nobody wants to see nothing i hate the halftime show think about it so it's it's all a fucking ripoff it's just a ripoff and when you listen it's like seeing the grammys on tv and you're like i wish i was there no you don't because unless you're there with guns and roses if you're just gonna fly to la and go to the grammys you're gonna see behind the curtain and you're going to hate it and why because it's all bullshit they rotate seats it's extras all those people you see in the front row they're all extras you're like man that guy's good looking yeah they're all models and shit and they put them there to point their finger or with their camera it's bullshit yeah you could tell it's like the fucking the rioters who's giving them these signs they can't spell who's giving them these signs you know free us america they can't spell they go to a van and the guy gives them a sign and they're like oh my god i can't spell i can't spell i can't spell sign the guy looks at him and go all right at least look at the person go this guy can't spell shoot you know i'm saying you can look at somebody know what words they can't spell you know i'm saying like me you know i can't spell a lot of words so it'd be one of those fucking words give you a very easy sign like fuck whatever that's it yeah that's it the fuck is wrong with people and that's the thing like listen if i was a die hard giant fan you know die hard like i got all the sneakers i got the pillowcase i got the fucking lunchbox yeah you know grown fucking men i would love to see you with a lunchbox you know i mean yeah i'd probably spend the money and take somebody my daughter or something if she was into it but to grab my daughter and go you gotta see this no you don't a bunch of drunk fucking jerk go giants yeah that's great if i had like 50 000 on the game then i would go dog if i had two million i would go go go go go go go go go go i would just go to the game and sit up top and hang out with cardi beef and fucking bring some royal fucking crown out to fucking that game in california because i'm not gonna pay ten thousand dollars for a suite to get fucking sushi and granola out there i'm bringing i'm flying out my own food i got my own plane coming with shit in the box everything that's how you do it but i don't want to go to a fucking game and sit there like a joe american and have to wait on lines and go for that that's not exciting for me no no sweet for a lot of money for a lot of money i don't want to do that i want to do that i didn't want to dog when i went to the longest show i didn't go to the game i gave the ticket away they give you a free ticket yeah oh dang you didn't even sell it oh i would have sold it make somebody's day i had to make my own day in my life you know i'm that and it's too much money i don't mind going to a ufc but i don't need to be at all of them sitting there dancing in front of the camera because that's what those events have become it's everything is ig everything is instagram yeah where can i take a fucking picture go to that soup bowl there's gonna be a 10 million selfie sticks yeah that's it look at me in front of the giant thing look at me in front of the new england bench hit me up when you're in the bench and tom brady and you were smoking a joint that's the picture i want that's a good picture you with the thing hey look at me i don't give a fuck i want you know what i'm saying i want show me a picture with you sucking fucking sofia fergara's tit inside a new england fucking thing i'm in well for you to take a look at me i'm at the soup bowl me and three other ignorant fucks that you know i just see it like i don't know yeah maybe i'm miserable maybe i don't know i just those things haven't been fun to me i gotta be honest in 30 years so let me ask you this what's like your ideal event or day like what is fun to you a concert in a small venue okay like those american express concerts i don't even know what they had they had those yeah they do them like they did them with chris cornell at webster hall and you know american express people could buy their tickets first okay and but it's very like two thousand seats dog i'll pay whatever i'd rather pay all the dough for that yeah then and i could just walk a little bit and it's just a little bathroom it's just like the beacon theater it's just like you know easy yeah yeah okay i don't wanna that stadium shit no stadium you can't even see him one dollars you gotta go early well you're gonna tailgate i don't have to do shit okay you know it's just so many things to get to the place that doesn't seem like fun to me i get that i love listen i grew up at the garden i love master square garden but i'm not giving you 500 dollars it's just principal and for what so i could sit in the front with fat joe and make believe i'm somebody i'm not right and jesus sit in the front and make believe i'm somebody i'm not with a glass and nine out of ten i'll be like this yeah you know you spend all that money in your yeah you know you're bored or it's not dude it's uh i i think at least you're honest with yourself i think a lot of people feel like they have to do things and they they just say yes and they don't even have a good time well i learned this when i was fucking 17 years old what i learned something very important i learned i don't like going to concerts no more you know i have groom the bands okay how many times can you see mcjagger how many times can you see this guy or this guy what was your question well you were saying that you learned at 17 i learned that even for me i hate to say this i used to do i i watch my daughter now and i can tell you something my daughter's a lot like terry but she's a lot like me and it bothers me because she took the worst things from me she took the worst things from me she took the ability to see the future that seems like a good thing to take it's like what you said you didn't ride your bike because you saw yourself in the hospital you saw the future after you go out like i'm gonna type it like look when we got here everything was a dinner right every time you bump into some people we gotta go to a new restaurant all borghese and cliffside you know it's every fucking week somebody hits you with a new restaurant so the only way i could have a social life is by going to a restaurant yeah and sitting with eight guys and do you want sparkling water or bubbly and the table behind you loud and all that shit that became that after a while i kept saying what are we doing this for we're dropping eight hundred dollars to do something that we could do in our houses have people come over get some chinese or whatever what are we doing this for we're dropping eight hundred dollars to do something What are we doing? What are we doing? When I was young, I would make these plans. I did this constantly. I'd make these plans, spend the money, get there, and then realize I don't want to be there. Oh, no. And would you stay or would you leave? Oh, that would pay. I did it in Florida one time with our friend. We drove down, got out of the car, looked at the beach and said, there's no coke, this sucks. We got right back in the car and drove to Jersey from Miami. There was no coke in Miami? At this time, we had run out of coke. Okay. And we're trying to get some on the beach, and people are like, we don't know. We're fucked up. You know, we're not going to go to a hotel room. We just got right back in the car and drove straight back to Northburg. And then I went to Hawaii. I didn't know you went to Hawaii. With a friend of mine when we were young because I had a girl from Clipside that, well, the office was in Clipside. She worked for a travel agency. She would get you all inclusive deals. Like $900 for nine days. Nice. Okay. After three days, what are we doing here? See, I like vacation. No, nine days. And even then, with no dough, nothing, I'm like, three days, that's it. We're good. I looked at him. I go, what do you think? He was like, get the fuck out of here. We're on the next flight. And it cost us money. We had to pay like $150 to fly. That was like three years ago. To leave? Oh my God. But it's, it's just, and I was doing the same thing with concerts. Right. Right. I would get to a concert, they play the song you want to hear, and you're like, I'm gonna go the hour with these idiots, breathe them on me, and, and all, let's get the fuck out of here. Go home and get a slice of pizza and call it a night. Dude, and speaking of that, I haven't watched a UFC in probably four or five years. I love that it's on Paramount Plus now. Did you want, I didn't watch that much of it because I had the show, but the fact that I don't have to pay 80 to 100 bucks anymore to watch a. You know, how many fights do you watch a year? Like you said. I would have, I will now for, because I get it for 10 bucks a month. Well, wait till you see the commercials. I fuck the commercials. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a, but that's, but I just read about people were pissed about the commercial. And like Dana said, it's $8. Yeah. We got to make some fucking money, you know. No. But people are never satisfied no matter what. No. People are never going to be satisfied no matter what. Fuck, I. But that's my problem. Okay. No, if I feel that way. I started noticing kids that will go to all the concerts. They weren't going to concerts because they liked the music. They found out that by going to concerts, it made them cooler. It wasn't to go to the music. It was to come home with the t-shirt and sit outside of high school. And when you come in the next day, they're like, yeah, it was sensational. But you knew 10 people went and they were like, dog, that was dog shit. So 10 people who I really trust. Compared to three white dudes that are just walking around with their eyes closed, trying to be cool. I didn't believe them no more. Because everybody else was telling me the sound was bad. The guy was hammered. The fucking lights fell down. The bird flew out. But you're telling me it was the best show you ever saw. So what's the truth here? What's the fucking truth here? The truth is, since you went all out and bought this, you can't say it sucked. Me, I'll say it sucked. I'm the type of guy that goes, dog. We left. What do you mean you left? You paid $200. We left, dog. There's no reason to be there. But people who pay $200. Can you imagine today paying $600 to see a band? What are you going to say when you see your friend? They were good. No, they weren't. He's 80. He's 70. He's got 18 backup singers. His dick is falling out of his pants. His legs are like bean poles because he's 70. And you're telling me, no, I'm not taking that. I'm not taking that. So if you go to these old concerts and you're older than, and now you have the 20-year-olds that are just confused. They go to a store and go, who's Tool? They're a band and they don't even listen to an album. They'll just buy a $400 ticket and go and get a shirt without even enjoying the concert. By the way, I saw, what's the name of the Jewish band? Where everybody jumps up and down. Infected Mushroom? I think they were at the Garden. Were they? Okay. Something. And they had Jews with little hats. That's it. The whole fucking Garden was jumping up and down. Oh, shit. Yeah. Shaking his shit. Them Jews are rocking, Jack. Yeah. Jews like to party. They had a Palestinian that were beating up in the middle. They just fly him in. Oh, they just fly him in. They fly him in on the kites like the way the Assad took them out. Whatever the fuck. October 7th. Yeah. They ain't even important anymore. Nobody's talking about Gaza no more. No. Yeah. It's a ceasefire. Is there? Remember how they plunked out the Jews? Yeah. Those air things. What do you call them? Like the gliders or whatever? Yeah. That's what you. You just bring a glider in with a Palestinian. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. We haven't eaten lunch. Okay. That's a good line. Let's take a minute. We're going to take a breather. Talk to you about DraftKings real quick. The playoffs. Everything. We'll be right back. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. This episode is brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook. The number one sports book for live betting. There's only one UFC 325 this Saturday. And once it's over, your shot to get in on the action is gone. DraftKings Sportsbook is built for live betting. Not just pre-fight picks. In the UFC, one woman can flip the entire fight. One punch, one kick, one takedown. 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You know, we were talking about time. And that's all I ever talk about, man. And that's what I really mean is that for years, I sat behind the eight ball dreaming. I didn't have this fucking albatross around my neck, whether it was drugs or probation or whatever. And I kept putting away time. One more year. At this time next year, I won't be doing drugs. I did that like fucking 20 years. Yeah. After a while, you stop believing yourself. You're like, well, I'm even out of lies to myself, you know? So when that shit just disappeared, I was like, dog, before anything, I got to get back some of this time. Yeah. Just a little bit of it. Just maybe if I get five years back, be productive. Something. You know, and now, like, you're seeing that people work longer. At 70, you see people walking around now. Yeah. At 70, you see people walking around. There's still tons of 70-year-olds that are healthy. I guess I'm going to make my time up there. Yeah, but you're also not. Like, to me, like, because you were talking earlier, I'll get my life together when I'm 30, whatever. There's a lot of people who just drop dead at 28, 35. Like, you have no idea. When you're in the casket, I should have taken that job at Costco. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you know. Yeah. And that's, it's a life of regrets. You want to have as little, listen, a life of regrets isn't bad because at least you tried. What about somebody who we went to high school with that, Got a job at home. the avenue at one of those places and he's just about ready to retire now and he's 60 and he never tried anything he never took a chance he put away his paychecks he fucking ate tv dinners to save money so when he gets old he never took a chance he never fucking took a chance man did you want that to be you fucking god gave you this great life and you didn't take a chance you didn't take a fucking chance like you didn't go on vacations you didn't even go forget vacations forget vacations you didn't go see what another city looked like you were so scared of everything in your life and trust me for all the shit we talk on here there's millions of people that are like that that they go to their jobs they come home they're safe man and they'll do that till they're 65 somewhere or another their parents will die leave them a half a house you know i mean and that's how you see it and it's the same thing the kids they're gonna have aren't gonna light themselves on fire because the parents didn't light themselves on fire do you see mercy take you like doing stuff that other kids don't do because like because of you and terry like did like went to la like is she more adventurous yes and no because she's my daughter so she's a fucking weirdo like me you know you see that she even told me that i thought about it and then i said i'm gonna get dressed up and go down there and see those people i'd rather stay home i'm like this is my daughter she just wrote her night out before the night was out and sometimes that's great and sometimes that's bad yeah because i mean that isn't that what you want when you have a kid is like give them your good qualities but yeah but i like that i wanted to have a sense of adventure i wanted to know that life is a maze you're gonna go down this street there's gonna be a door you're gonna go down this street you're a mouse you're just a mouse in a rat race you're trying to get to the door that's gonna and that's all you're trying but i don't want you to give up after two fucking doors what good is if you gave up after two fucking doors you gotta keep rolling into those fucking doors and see what it brings and if it's no it's no if it's yes it's yes like anything else but i'm gonna sit there at 60 and regret that fuck all i ever want to do is a play in new york that's easy yeah that's easy dude i was i was i got a little high and i was listening to music the other like a week or two i even tweeted i haven't tweeted in fucking years but i think it was like a john lennon song it had like one of the best lyrics i've ever heard like life is what happens when you're busy making plans or something that's a fucked up lyric because i i do nothing but plan and i think a lot of people do that's all they do it's like um lee man comedy is really going off right now in this town i'm not blowing smoke up your ass i think you should find your way to cincinnati or la or new york and you'll go yeah that's in my that's in my plans i i'm putting away money and in 18 months i'll be uh disconnect that call that's never gonna happen and you know it you know it just from dealing with a hundred people who tell you in three years i'm going to europe i'm putting away money not happening that's not happening i want the guy that you call and go hey bro what are we doing tomorrow i got a dollar 80 i got three dollars that's 480 between the both of us we can make it and you're there you tried something hey we couldn't get in we failed no big deal we didn't get in we didn't do this we didn't get that diploma it's gonna happen we're it's gonna happen but you just can't go home and stay home and make your life safe i have tons of regrets but not the regrets that most people have i have regrets that i i robbed people i robbed people who i loved you know i did shit like that but nothing i wanted to try that i ever let stand in the way of anything i fucking got to it one way or the other it took me two two years to get on stage from being a pussy telling you the truth being a pussy because i was scared to death i was scared to death i was scared to death i was scared to death i was scared for what was gonna happen if i crossed that wall what is gonna happen i wasn't scared across the wall i was scared to what was gonna happen and what i thought was gonna happen happened what became successful i knew that if i tried that it was a lot better than anything else i was doing and i had something attached to comedy i liked it yeah i liked laying bricks but i don't want to work there 10 hours a day every fucking day and no that's good for three days you lay some bricks oh you're a great catch in a month you know that you follow me but i crossed over something that i was kind of scared because i knew that maybe would find the voice maybe i would do good and you know what i can't do that i gotta stay on this side of the fence i gotta keep snorting coke and keep being a loser yeah that's 50 of the population guys and they like things might be going well on paper like it's the reason why i i like stand-up over like a day job is there and you always like you always talk about pay like there's no ceiling on your pay but even nothing upsets me more than when people tell you oh it's a job you're not supposed to like your job why am i gonna do it for 40 years if i don't do i don't know i don't exactly bums me out exactly exactly you know it's like having that it's like having a job when you do stand-up in the beginning and you're getting better and all you salivate about was the day you call the boss and tell him to suck your dick that's all you dream about that listen i've been there i don't give a fuck what anybody no i didn't think like that fuck you because there's one night during the week that you go out to an open mic or somewhere and there's somebody who's got a gram of coke there's a chick who was a stripper who thinks she wants to be a comic there's all fucking things that you're gonna get snagged and you're not gonna make it for that job and you still get up in the morning and what do you do when you put your sneakers on man someday i'm gonna be funny i'm not gonna have to do this fucking job no more yeah and then one day you have to quit that job you actually do it but now you're kind of scared i don't know what i get those people i don't know what life's gonna bring now i've never worked on commission before give it a shot because i know this for a fact if i tell you i'm gonna pay you 20 bucks an hour okay and give you a raise every whenever the law says that every year and then i'll take care of you whatever i'm gonna pay you from 20 to the age of 60 i think you have more of a shot with a mediocre salary going on your own finding the lumps of it and getting good at it because the year you're gonna eat shit for you're gonna eat good for 20 years after that it's just a year that you're gonna have to bust your balls maybe 18 months you have to eat at mom's gonna have to live at mom's basement whatever you know live on your girlfriend's floor whatever knowing yeah you know knowing that especially at 18 like and i wouldn't have made it so it wouldn't have been for me but looking back at it joining the military is probably the smartest thing most people can do i have that regret also i did an eight ball the night before and didn't go for my blood test i'm very gonna inhabit them because i listen why don't people join the service tell me why i think half of them are scared and then half of them like you you feel like you're signing up for five or six years and you can't leave that's scary i'll tell these people at home how fast five years goes it was covid i just i've been here five years yeah and it went like that five years when you look at when somebody looks at you and goes because i was so when do you think i'll become a plumber or a painter or and they're like wow like six years away you're like six years my rent is due next week yeah you're like because we think for today we don't think for six years six years six years i get i could be here with you for four years cross boulevard east and get hit by a truck and there's my six years wasting my time with you but then again that's what we're all scared of we look at the time and we go fuck that let me tell you something how long have i how long have you been doing a podcast with me for 15 years you're five years away from retiring in the service right now i know at 21 you're out of there at 41 with a pension all your insurance your shoes your sneakers everything for the rest of your life it's like somebody keeps asking this on ig you see it pick two things you ever see that when they hit you no a million dollars uh a thousand dollars a second the fuck two models for the rest of your life pick two right you know yeah two and it's between those two no no no i'm just saying that it says pick two of anything right right what would you rather have 200 a month but then you know it doesn't matter it's like we see that we see that wall and it's all right i don't give a fuck who you are i don't give a fuck how intelligent you are when they hit you with the amount of years you go at first you know yeah but then even a doctor seven years seven years years and eight uh one one year in emergency maybe 18 months in emergency and you're making three four hundred thousand a year for the rest of your fucking life but it's scary we don't look at that eight years we're like fuck eight years eight years is like this eight years is like this what's today's date the 28th the 29th i was today i was like fuck it's a 28th tomorrow the 29th i'm like i'm a regular at the comedy store 30 years damn 30 years not 10 not 5 30 fucking years i'm a regular at the comedy store okay but i'm wrong because it's january of next year 2007 but think about that 30 fucking years ago i walked into that place with three pair of jeans fucking two t-shirts a a fucking what's that shit you have in your mouth an abscess yeah an abscess like it squeezed the pus off oh my god it would shoot at people out of a fucking molar that was dead you know i didn't know what it was going to bring 30 fucking years it seemed like yesterday for people were asking seems like two years ago so if you didn't want to join the army or whatever or a commitment to medical school or even an attorney because you looked at the payoff you're wrong you were wrong and trust me i made that mistake i'm sure a lot of people in this room made that mistake we looked at the time and we go nah i'll sell drugs yeah then you get arrested in two years you do two years of time and you're like i'm at the same place i was four years ago i could have gone to work and been a whatever now dude the fact that you you told like you've talked about like the score that you made before you went to jail and the in your lawyer bill was the exact amount of money you made i would be like fucking i'm going with the with the crazy with the free attorney we do and we spin our fucking wheels and at some age you're like how much longer am i going to spin my wheels you know and that's all we i'm talking to you you guys that's all i'm trying to tell you i'm giving it to you from my perspective i had a lot of time to catch up so i when i had that when i had that feeling i was three months clean four months clean i'm like we got this now now we got to start doing something because before i had an excuse before i had an excuse and i didn't use it as an excuse pretty tough to tell people i didn't make it because i started eight ounces of coke last night right so but you follow me so you had this and that's right that's the thing you have to look and go what do i want before i fucking they put me in this fucking hole which could be any day now yeah it could be any fucking day i got an infection in my knee i die this thing gets infected i die you know anything anything i got before i was going down the stairs and i'm like what if i fall like ace freely and next thing you know i'm dead tomorrow i'm listening to kiss songs the next day what if you bump your head yeah what if i slip on the ice and bump my head and don't go to the hospital and die in my sleep that's what happened to john mulaney he died a comedian uh bob saget no no john a couple weeks ago a comedian died oh okay he was doing something outside he slipped he banged his head he went in he fell asleep and he died damn so this is why might as well go for it go for it who get guys who gives a shit at the end nobody's gonna remember that you failed they're gonna remember you didn't do dick what's that movie with gandolfini and tom hardy fucking really good movie oh yeah it's called the drop and he goes tom hardy goes to see him one night when he's trying to rob the super bowl it's about robbing the bar on the super bowl night and he gandolfini takes the night off and tom hardy goes down there and checks him that's a great scene about two guys that know they're but now they're arguing about how done they really are like you know and he's like well there was one time i walked into a bar people sat up straight when and tom hardy's like when was that the fuck out of here well my name was on the bottle you know whatever the fuck it is it's just you just always no i didn't know what i was going to do when i turned 42 and i did the longest yard after the longest yard that one year when nothing happened and everybody else was popping up everybody else had a show i was like i'm done i'm like i might as well start and that's when you start thinking about walking into subway and seeing that guy there's like three 10 year olds in there three like 18 year olds and one retarded 22 year old but then there's always that one 58 year old guy with a led zeppelin shirt on with the long ponytail his nails are still painted you know and he's still living like man i smoke sense of me at one time the other three are like really yeah man who gives a fuck you're at subway you're 58 and you're at subway with the ponytail and the colored nail still thinking it's 1980 and you're an aerosmith or you're young blood you're neither of them you're in a subway sandwich what do you have to say for yourself now what was so cool about your life what was so fun fucking cool about it oh i went to see zeppelin and we partied out okay and then what especially when you're making 15 bucks an hour no that's not how you nobody planned to go out that way nobody planned to work at subway at 60 and try to be the cool guy at subway with two earrings and silver on eight silver chains and silver bracelets and yeah look at me i'm cool you're not that cool you're at subway you didn't even you're too stupid to even get a greeter job at tosco that's how stupid you are 50 g's a year you're that stupid you're still here yeah we're gonna meet the guys tonight we're gonna go to banky wankies and see a band yeah good yeah you know and then you see him like all their friends got motorcycles they got like the beat-up motorcycle and they got to wear a football helmet for a helmet and shit why you're at subway you're too stupid to even get a greeter job at tosco that's how stupid you are how did this happen did you not catch yourself somewhere along the line but there's excuses what if you did time for 30 years and you came out you know what if you you know i don't know but nobody should be 58 in a fucking subway with painted fingernails on dressed like aerosmith still talking about you know isn't it that's a weird one and it's not just rock but when you can tell what somebody likes by the way they're dressed and then when they're old i can see when you're 20 you want to scare people and shock people look at me i'm goth you ain't goth when you fuck marilyn manson that's when you're goth when you suck that skinny dick and he shits on your forehead that's god what you're doing with that white kid in the village that's nothing that's just two little faggots he has to shit on your forehead marilyn manson destroyed those women three of them sued him what he put me through he would put you in a closet and give you like a hand bone and fuck you two hours a day you know that's god you want god bitch i'll give you god i had no idea yeah you got a shit on your forehead to get fucked and all that crazy shit i got a shit in my mouth and all that people aren't ready for that they just think they read goth and they they get creepy eyelashes and all of a sudden they they wear they get work boots and a fucking i'm god you're not god why do you think people are willing to put up with that to like to like fuck a celebrity like because they wouldn't let they wouldn't let a normal guy shit on their forehead but if it's marilyn manson they're fucking cool with it's amazing what you can do when you're a celebrity it's not even a celebrity it's just what do you think if i could fall on somebody's forehead yeah you know people come up to me you're a celeb i'm no celebrity you don't see me shitting on somebody's fucking forehead yeah but i'm looking in the mirror and going i'm a bad motherfucker after it you know i'm saying you have a better chance now than you would have you were working at fucking hashways dude i guarantee that there's one and i'm not saying she's going to be good looking but there's one woman out there listening to this right now like i let uncle joey shit on my forehead you know it's really weird remember when remember the episode of sopranos when christopher found out that his girlfriend was a rat yeah and he went somewhere to call her he was getting gas the family pulled up the guy even looked at her and said like him with the fucking hook nose and he had a wife and had like four kids with rickets and they walked and they walked out and they had a mattress on the car and they walked out and they all came back potato chips and christopher looked at that guy the same way i look at people sometimes and go what the fuck happened how did you have four kids and you still want to play this game when you see that it's because the guy was still playing that game i'm telling you the band's gonna make it listen listen stop stop you're all 60 you're in no danger you know the singer's got a fucking clip lip you know i mean and that's what the problem happens that you let that dude take it that his family a wife didn't get up and go it's over this is not happening no more you're getting a good job tomorrow or not i'm taking my kids to my parents house and you see that when you saw that it hits you he saw that this was going to be his fucking life now with this Liliana, whatever fucking name it is. Adriana. I got to go on the run with this rat. She's gonna be around me all the time because we're rats. I'm not doing that And you have to decide what you're gonna do and what you're not gonna fucking do You know and that's it. That's all I ever try to tell people man. I'm not no better anybody else I'm trying to fucking make up time And that's how I look at things sometimes that's wrong. Some people look at me and go Oh, well, you don't want to have no fun. Define fun Define fun to me You know what fun is man us getting in that fucking plane and not having to worry about it Okay, that's fun. Can we do it every week? No No, I can't do that every week What to take you guys and make it a family thing? That's fun. So what is fun define fun to me? Define fun You want to go to some concert with four losers with eight dollars in your pocket? I don't know how you're coming home If the if the ferry stops working at night or whatever, you know, I Mean define fun to me. What was fun and I'm talking about me fun for me was snorting coke and looking out a window and being in debt and somebody looking for me and Somebody owe me. That was fun for me That's fun. Oh, yeah, that's fun. Joey. That was my fun Was it that much fun? No, I heard people I loved, you know, it was just a variety of things I'm not regretting it now some of those people I should have robbed twice Some of those fucking scumbags I should have robbed them three four fucking time that's not the situation Do you think like I'm in like ten years not coke but like at some point you maybe you'll pick up robbing again There's a little thing. It's not a big one Just like I'm retarded a little bit. Listen, man You get to a point where once you get out of something you learn how to get out a lot of things and The common messages you got out alive don't go back not even to visit not even to look Don't go back. That was a point in time. Don't go back because when we go back, that's when we get in trouble, right? You know, so don't go back No, okay, I guess I See to me. I thought you had fun doing that. I could talk it was fun shoplifting it was fun snorting coke and snorting coke up for chicks pussy and Staying up all night and tying her up and that's fun. And I still think it would be fun If I could do coke and fucking still be crazy I would but I know if I did a line of coke my world would collide not Health or nothing like that the promise I made but we're not even gonna get into that I just know but I can't go back to that. You don't know how many times I think about that Like I'm when I turn 65 and I get ten eight balls Yeah, get some 25 year old chicken Black in the room in a hotel room and fuck it till I die With Viagra cuz most guys just died from the Viagra Yeah That's not a bad way to go. Oh, no No, but then my daughter and my wife see that and they read in the paper that they picked them up at a hotel He was tied up with jelly on his balls. And then that's great. That's great at the funeral. That'll be great They'll be holding the head up high Where you at this week cocksucker this Week, we're at the dojo tonight Wednesday night dojo Saturday night for st. George motherfucking theater Staten Island Royal Crown What's the other place I said with the chicken? I don't know the name. You just said there's great chicken fucking great Chad two pieces today tremendous. Oh, I can't wait a ham the cheese. Oh the chickens what I'm blue. Yeah, I can call them blue I love your weight. Oh Be always a statin on us. I'm excited about that. And that's it guys. We have nothing this week. That's it Thursday night I'm at the grizzly pear Friday night. I'm at tiny cupboard, but I'll be I'll be in a few places. I'm very excited He's a man of many places Lisa. Yeah, he too is trying to recover on lost time. You know I'm saying But anyway, I love you guys. I'm sorry about last week I'm sorry about putting the podcast up late this week the snow we couldn't control some shit So it's here now take it and take a fucking hike. I love you cocksuckers. Have a great week We love you here. Tell him Lee 11. I love you guys. Love you You