Is There an “Effort Mismatch” in Your Relationship?

(upbeat music) - Hello and welcome to Reimagining Love. I'm Dr. Alexandra Solomon. I have been studying relationships for over 20 years as a couples therapist, a professor, an award-winning author, and as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. Now, I'm inviting you into this space each week as I dig into some of the toughest and most fascinating relational dilemmas of our time. If you want to discover how to create vibrant and loving relationships in your own life, you have come to the right place. This is Reimagining Love. (upbeat music) Hi there, welcome back to Reimagining Love. Woohoo, I am psyched for today's episode. It's just you and me and we're digging into what I have been thinking about so much lately. It is a common and tricky relationship dynamic that I've been calling the effort mismatch. But I want to get us oriented by telling you the story that inspired my curiosity about this dynamic. So about a year ago, our son Brian, who was 21 years old at the time, was home from college for spring break. And he and Todd and I went bowling together. And I was watching Brian as he bowled and Brian got a strike. And I saw Brian look over at Todd to celebrate that moment. And I saw Todd looking at his phone rather than watching the strike in action. And I felt inside of me a flash of sadness and anger. And I snapped at Todd saying something like, "You didn't even see him do that, you missed his strike." Okay, so at this point in the story, I'm going to ask you, dear listener, to check in with yourself and just like notice what comes up for you as you hear me tell you this story. You might be team Todd thinking, oh my Lord, Brian is a grown ass man. He doesn't need his dad's affirmation every second of his life. Or you might be team Alexandra thinking, that's ridiculous, what could Todd be doing that's more important on his phone than watching his son bowl? Doesn't matter how old his son is, watching his son bowl should be the top priority. Okay, so back to the story. My darling husband Todd, who is generally very, very patient with me, kind of snapped back at me and said something like, stay in your lane, no pun intended. And I very quickly realized this is one of those moments when it would have just been better for me to have kept my mouth shut. So I apologized to them both, Todd forgave me, he made a joke, we moved on. Okay, so the backstory here is that bowling is our son Brian's first love. He has loved it since his aunt got him a set of like little plastic bowling pins when he was two years old. And Todd has 100% immersed himself in the world of bowling. He's taken Brian bowling hundreds and hundreds of times, since he was like barely old enough to even carry his own bowling well. Todd and Brian have gone to PBA bowling tournaments just about every year since Brian was eight years old. In fact, I'm sitting here recording this episode and Todd and Brian are in Reno, Nevada at a PBA bowling tournament. So on this night, a year ago, I was basically invited to third wheel in their bowling adventure. And as such, my best move would have been to observe quietly and just be grateful that I even got to be there, right? My hot take was not just unnecessary, it was harmful. I was on their turf, I was a visitor, I was a guest. And alongside that, I also have some compassion for myself because when Todd and I were raising our family, I was the primary caregiving parent and he was the primary breadwinding parent. And therefore there is a somewhat emotionally charged history of me being really aware of Todd's divided attention. He is a busy lawyer, he spent so many years doing the best that he could to meet the demands of his career and his desire to be with our family. So I have compassion for my tender spot as well, right? It was my kind of historic, longstanding tender spot of feeling like where is Todd's attention that triggered my little outburst. So it wasn't hard in that moment for me to apologize to Todd and apologize to Brian and Brian was definitely team Todd. He's like, "Mom, it's not a big deal. "You seem to get a strike before." And the night was far from ruined, but that incident stuck with me and I chewed on it and reviewed it for days and days because it felt like an exemplar of a larger theme in our marriage and it felt like something that was coming up a lot for me in the couples I work with, in the students I teach, all over the place. So it's a theme that Todd and I have visited on more than one occasion in our relationship, which is this, there's stuff that I say to Todd that he doesn't and wouldn't say to me. I'm more critical of him than he is of me. I give him more feedback on his behavior than he gives to me. And it's not just that. I'm also more critical of our marriage than he is. I'm more critical of our parenting than he is. Over all these years together, I have come up with all kinds of hot takes. You and I don't talk enough. We need to spend more time together. We need more space from each other. We are not strict enough as parents. We are too strict as parents and on and on and on. All kinds of iterations of how we need to keep growing and evolving and changing and coming at this differently. And Todd doesn't put me under the microscope like that. And he doesn't put us under the microscope like that. And depending on the moment, he tends to meet my hot takes with something between curiosity and nonchalance and defensiveness, you know, somewhere along that spectrum. Like I said a moment ago, this dynamic is not unique to Todd and me. I see it and experience it with lots of couples in therapy. And it's even something that my college students bring up when they come to office hours. Something that they're already reckoning with even in those early stages of college relationships. Invariably, one partner is worrying about what's gonna happen after graduation. And the other partner is saying, don't worry about it, we're gonna be fine. Or one partner is making declarations about how this relationship needs to improve or grow so that they can be as healthy as possible. And the other partner is saying, I think we're great as we are. So this is the relationship dynamic that I'm calling the effort mismatch. And in this dynamic, it's pretty easy and obvious to identify one partner as the change partner and one partner as the acceptance partner, right? So in my marriage, I'm the change partner and Todd is the acceptance partner. So here's our plan for this episode. I'm gonna break down the effort mismatch a bit more. I'm gonna talk to you about the internal experiences that fuel each of these partners. And then we're gonna look at some tailored reminders and guidance and relational self-awareness questions for both the change partners of the world and the acceptance partners of the world. Okay, so in order to understand the effort mismatch, we need to understand something called dialectics. Okay, so dialectics have a long history. The idea of dialectics originated actually with ancient philosophers like Plato and Socrates and continued to more modern philosophers like Hegel and Marx. That term dialectics made its way from the world of philosophy into the world of psychology and psychotherapy, largely via an approach called dialectical behavior therapy or DBT, which was created by the fabulous Dr. Marshall Inahan. So what is a dialectic? A dialectic is a tension between two contradictory viewpoints, two competing truths, where what's possible is a greater truth emerges from the interaction, from the interplay between them. So dialectics are both ands. Dialectics are those places where two seemingly opposite things are both true at the very same time. I am both excited and afraid. This moment is full of both joy and sadness. The realness of dialectics is why we need words like bittersweet and words like Glennon Doyle's broodiful, which is brutal and beautiful. We need these words. We need words that reflect the fact that we're oftentimes sitting at an intersection of two very different things that are both very real inside of our bodies and inside of our hearts. And it ends up being the case that so much of our emotional health actually rests upon our ability to hold competing truths about ourselves rather than collapsing on one or the other. For example, I am both healing and whole as I am. I am both brave and hesitant. I am both being and becoming. To quote Walt Whitman, the lines from his poem, do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes. That's the essence of emotional health. I am large, I contain multitudes. I can't be captured in just one single monolithic declaration about self. None of us can. These dialectics arise in our experience of ourselves, but also in our experiences of each other and of the world. My partner is both loving and forgetful, for example. The people around me are capable of both cruelty and kindness and that practice of resting, even if it's only for moments at a time, inside of paradox is growth promoting. We create more capacity inside of ourselves when we allow ourselves to hold something more nuanced than an all or nothing view of ourselves, of each other and of the world around us. It's also the case that dialectics promote creativity because it is in the process of working with this tension between seeming opposites that something else emerges. Holding the tension is the process that allows a third thing to emerge. Carl Jung has this great quote I'm gonna share with you. The shuttling to and fro of arguments and affects represents the transcendent function of opposites. The confrontation of the two positions generates a tension charged with energy and creates a living third thing, a movement out of the suspension between opposites, a living birth that leads to a new level of being, a new situation. Here's an example of this. It is a well-known fact that when I am getting ready to give a talk, I shuttle between nervous and excited. I'm really nervous, I'm really excited, I'm really nervous, I'm really excited. But that's not all. In part, it is the very act of me letting myself be curious about how both of those emotions are true and real for me that led me to recognize that, aha, wait a minute, both of these feelings, the nervousness and the excitement, come up for me precisely because I am so deeply invested in being of service to the audience. And when I got that, like when I sat long enough with the fact that these two things that seem opposites, seems like you should be either nervous or excited, but the fact that they both were true and me kind of sitting with both of those truths led me to recognize, wait a minute, this is all about how deeply I want to be of service. And once I got that, it helped me just kind of like get out of my own way when I was getting ready to teach, when I am getting ready to teach, because it's not really then about me, it's not really about my performance, it's not really about how my hair is looking or my outfit is looking. It's not really even about what the people in the audience think of me. It's actually all about what is it gonna take for me to create a learning experience that's gonna move people from point A to point B? You know, it's like I get out of the way, it's not really about me, it's about I'm just there as a facilitator of a process of how this audience has the potential to grow from the experience of me giving a talk or leading this workshop. So for me, that's the third way. That's the third way. And that third way emerged from my ability to sit with that dialectic of nervous and excited. (upbeat music) Okay, fine, we've got the idea of dialectics as this like individual level phenomenon and that they're good for us and dialectics are healthy for us, they create growth, they support our creativity, good. Okay, check, check and check. Now, let's look at the fact that it's also the case that our relational health rests upon our ability to hold on to relational dialectics. Hmm, okay, dialectics or competing truths are woven into the very fabric of our marriages, of our long-term intimate relationships. The need for both safety and surprise, totally elemental to a long-term relationship. The need for both routine and novelty. The need for both connection with community and time together as a couple. The need for both connection or togetherness and the need for autonomy and solitude. The need for both growth and appreciation of what is. The need for both acceptance and change. In that last one, the need for both acceptance and change is the relational dialectic that we are focusing our attention on today. And we're calling that relational dialectic the effort mismatch. Okay, so two things are true at the same time. Thing number one, a relationship needs acceptance. You loving your partner as they are for who they are helps them feel safe and seen and cherished. And when you offer that quality of love to your partner, it seeds the possibility that you can also offer that very same quality of love to yourself. Further, a relationship needs acceptance because trying to change someone else is impossible and exhausting. So therefore, you loving your partner as they are for who they are also spares you the exhaustion of arguing against your current reality. And as Byron Katie says, when you argue with reality, you lose but only 100% of the time. Okay, that's thing one, right? A relationship needs acceptance. And then here's thing two, a relationship also needs a willingness to change. You asking your partner to work on a facet of themselves and your partner leaning in to that request helps you feel like your voice matters in the relationship. And your partner changing and growing in ways that are meaningful to you helps you feel like the relationship is healthy and that helps you show up as fully and as openly as you can. Further, assuming that you know your partner and you love your partner, the chances are pretty good that the shift you're asking your partner to make is not only good for you, but it's also good for them. And your partner making the shift that you've asked for helps them feel proud that they are growing in the name of love and for the betterment of the relationship. Okay, so you've got how that's a relational dialectic, the need for acceptance and the need for change. Those are two needs, they're both true, they're both real. Therefore, it's a dialectic and it's a relational dialectic, right? It's a dialectic that captures something that is true about the relationship. The relationship needs the energy of acceptance and the energy of change. The relationship needs both of those. But here's how it becomes this thing called the effort mismatch. Just like every relational dialectic, the effort mismatch happens because there are two truths and there are two people which means it's hella easy for one partner to anchor themselves in one of the truths and for the other partner to anchor themselves in the other truth. That process of the couple losing the whole and kind of splitting into these two competing camps, that process is what I call splitting the ambivalence. So the process of splitting the ambivalence creates this thing called the effort mismatch where one partner kind of becomes known as the acceptance partner and one partner gets known as the change partner. And when a couple splits the ambivalence around the effort mismatch, they're both right. They're both holding on to a perspective that is true, real and accurate, just incomplete, right? 'Cause the totality is the relationship needs both of these things. But they've split the ambivalence, so one partner is carrying the torch for change and evolution and growth, and the other partner is carrying the torch for acceptance and good enough and just relax and we've got it. And I wanna be clear, when I use the term effort mismatch, it might seem like I'm saying that the change partner is putting in effort when it comes to relationship work and the acceptance partner is not. But I want to define and complicate the way I'm using the word effort here. I actually would argue that mismatch is not about the differing amounts of effort, but rather about the differing kinds of effort that each partner exerts. Okay, stay with me. So yes, effort can be understood as work in the service of change or evolution, the kind of effort that the change partner is inclined toward. But there's another kind of effort and that's the effort of holding center. That's the effort of reflecting the goodness and the bounty and the adequacy of what's happening right here, right now, today in the relationship. That's effort, that's a different kind of effort. Todd is the acceptance partner in our marriage, right? It takes effort for Todd to remind me that we're okay when I'm tearing apart our parenting choices. It takes effort for a partner to hold steady amidst a storm or a big change or a crisis. It takes effort to practice gratitude and to stop and smell the roses, even when everything isn't quote unquote perfect, even when things could always be better. So maybe you can think of it like kinetic energy, which is the energy an object possesses due to its motion, that's our change partner, versus potential energy, which is the stored energy that it has in relation to other objects or factors. That's our acceptance partner. Or if you're not a physics person, you can think of it like two different kinds of exercise that you might do at the gym to build strength. Sometimes you're doing intense cardio, but sometimes you're doing a plank where you're holding the center in order to build strength. Both those qualities of exercise are essential. And I think especially in the self-help, self-improvement space, the change partner might be especially at risk of seeing their way as the better way and the acceptance partner's way as the worse way. And I think this idea that we've got to be oriented toward growth and change and progress and evolution at all times is sort of found everywhere in our culture. But I want to challenge us here to appreciate what the acceptance partner brings to the relationship, which is the wisdom of loving what is, because that is essential and elemental too. All right, so if we can't make the case that the change partners of the land are better than the acceptance partners of the land or vice versa, then what we're left with is just simply needing to figure out how we protect our relationships from the risks of the effort mismatch and how we maximize the benefits of the effort mismatch, right? We're saying effort mismatch happens. I'm guessing that by now you've got a sense of in your relationship, which of you is the change partner and which of you is the acceptance partner. So the effort mismatch happens. We just got to figure out how to maximize the benefits and how to protect ourselves from the risks. Well, the obvious risk is that effort mismatch indicates the presence of a difference. And in our intimate relationships, we tend to get very nervous about differences. Differences tend to scare us. Differences in perspectives, differences in values, differences in priorities, differences in preferences. Rationally, we know we're not gonna ever partner with somebody who is a carbon copy of ourselves and thankfully so, but at a deeper emotional level, differences feel threatening. They feel like a loss, a loss of control, a loss of connection, a loss of closeness, and differences set the stage for polarization. On the flip side, effort mismatch creates a growth mindset for our relationship. I know in our marriage, my way of being is an asset when we're facing challenges with our kids, for example, because I hold our feet to the fire. I make sure that we're addressing what needs to be addressed. And Todd has long said that a big part of what he admires about me is that I'm not afraid to look at and talk about hard stuff. That's the strength that the change partner brings in. I also know that Todd's ability to affirm our goodness is totally essential for our relationship. So much of what drew me to him was precisely his ability to hold steady, to be sure. And that felt like such a contrast to me of so much of what I experienced in my early years and my family of origin. His anchoring meant that he was very sure about me and very sure about us. And his ability to see me as okay has led me to more readily accept myself as I am. So this effort mismatch has been alive and well in our marriage for many years. It's not gonna be resolved. Rather is something that we have learned to carry ever more gently and ever more carefully. So how do we do that? Well, I know for me, in my best moments, I practice discernment, I check in with myself, I ask myself, does my hot take really need to be offered right now? Is it additive? Is it helpful? Is it necessary? Does it tie to something that is deeply important? I also get curious about how whatever judgment I'm experiencing in a given moment, like how does that tie to my family of origin story? I'm so familiar with vigilance. I grew up feeling vigilant all the time, scanning and anticipating how something might be about to go off the rails. So just because I feel something in this moment right now doesn't mean a bad thing is right around the corner. It might just be that old pattern of mine, rearing its head. I also know that I crave control when I feel anxious. And in the bowling alley incident that I was telling you about when Brian was home for spring break, well, that incident happened like less than 24 hours before we were about to drive Brian to the Amtrak station and say goodbye to him as he headed back to campus for the next stretch of time. And I know as an empty nesting parent that I get a ton of anticipatory anxiety and anticipatory grief. I've gotten better handling that, but a year ago it was still relatively new. And when I've got that anticipatory anxiety, anticipatory grief kind of bubbling up, knowing that we've got a goodbye right around the corner, I feel anxious when I feel anxious, I crave control. So that context made it harder for me in the bowling alley that night to catch myself and make a better choice. I also have learned that those moments that I get critical of Todd are usually moments where I've been critical of myself. So it's a cue for me. My tendency to get critical of Todd is a clue and a cue that I probably need to look for ways to be more compassionate with myself. I also have learned that timing and context matter. So the question for me to take away is, how can I surface my concerns in a way that Todd can hear? My concerns are real and valid and worthy of bringing up, but timing matters and context matters, right? And for Todd, even though my delivery was yuck and my timing was off, he was willing to seek the kernels of validity in my perspective nonetheless. He for sure knows that he has a growing edge around distraction, right? I wasn't pulling something out of absolutely thin air. I told you already that in that moment in the bowling alley, I owned what I had said, I owned it, I apologized for it. And when we returned to it later on, he talked to me a little bit more about how my words had hurt his feelings, how and why what I said hurt his feelings. I stayed open, I stayed accountable, I managed my defensiveness, and in doing so, that gave him some space to keep talking and then to affirm to me that he really does support me, you know, calling him in, because he really does want to show up for our family in ways that convey how deeply devoted he is. So that's the loop, right? That's when it goes, that's how repair goes best, isn't it? I made an apology, he forgave and moved on, we revisited it, he talked to me about his hurt feelings, I really worked to not become defensive, I got it, and then that allowed him to also speak to the way in which even though the context was lousy, the delivery was lousy, he could see the kernel of truth that I was speaking to. So let's now take a look inside each of the partners, the change partner and the acceptance partner. So if you recognize this tension in your relationship, it can be helpful to look at the factors that led one of you to become the change partner and one of you to become the acceptance partner, 'cause it's not random, guarantee you, it's not random. So the point of doing this is for you to understand yourself more deeply, as well as for you to understand your partner more deeply. So let's start with our change partner, and I will continue using myself as an example here, because what I know to be true is there are four very clear factors that combined to set me up to be the change partner in our marriage. Factor number one, I grew up as a girl, I am a woman, I've been socialized in the feminine, so more on gender in a moment. Factor number two, even more than just being a girl, I grew up as a girl among girls. This group of girlfriends that I had when I was growing up placed a particularly high value on relationship talk. You know, there are some girls that get together and play sports or watch movies or play video games or do arts and crafts. My girls and I talked, we made pasta and we talked. That was our preferred activity, it still is. Our preferred activity is sitting around and talking about our feelings and our relationships. Factor number three, I'm a therapist, Todd's a lawyer. Our history is likely had a hand in leading us to each of these lines of work and the arrow goes the other way too. These lines of work that we've been in for years and years and years further reinforce our innate tendencies. Factor number four is our family of origin experiences. So Todd came into our relationship with secure attachment. I, by contrast, came into our relationship with insecure attachment. And one of the hallmarks of insecure attachment is difficulty around self-trust. And that means that I have a long history of being primed to assume that I'm doing stuff wrong and comparing myself to others and picking out all of the ways that I'm coming up short. And because we tend to relate to other people like we relate to ourselves, I can therefore be pretty hard on the people around me as well. And I will say with pride that I have done so much healing over so many years in therapy, within my friendships, within my marriage, I definitely have what we call in my field, quote unquote, earned security. I have earned a secure attachment style within the context of our marriage. I score, when I take attachment tests, I score in the secure attachment range, something that I have earned over many years within the context of this relationship. So that's my predominant attachment style with moments of breakthrough in secure attachment, apparently, particularly in bowling alleys. So those are the factors that kind of primed me to be the change partner. (gentle music) So I gave you a little mini case study of the etiology of the root of how I came to be the change partner in my marriage. But those principles, those factors hold up. And I want you to think about those for yourself and for your relationship as well. So think about family of origin. Think specifically about family of origin role. We spent so much time in recent episodes of the Reimagining Love podcast, breaking down those six family of origin roles. And when we look at change partners, change partners tend to be perfect ones. They tend to be prentified children because of that natural inclination to fix, to manage, to anticipate potential pitfalls, to anticipate vulnerabilities within the system. So our perfect ones and our prentified children tend to have these histories of developing proactive strategies of performance and comfort and intervention. So therefore, they're gonna bring that sense of like relationship management into their adult romantic partnerships. They're primed to be the change partner. I would say there's definitely some amount of overlap between being the change partner and being somebody who utilizes more of those anxious attachment strategies. And I mentioned gender before, 'cause I had said that in part, my gender role socialization primed me to be a change partner. And I do think certainly for heterosexual couples, in a heterosexual couple, either the male partner or the female partner could be the change partner, but I would say in my experience, it tends to be the case that women tend to have more of a proclivity toward the change partner side of the dynamic. Why? Because girls and women are socialized to be emotionally attuned to others, to provide caregiving, et cetera, et cetera. It may be the case that they more naturally learned how to talk about relationships, whereas for men, they tend to not be socialized to do so. There's also this Einstein quote that I've always kind of hated, but it sticks around. I think because it reflects something that is true about how men and women tend to be socialized under patriarchy, so the Einstein quote goes like this. Men marry women hoping they will never change. Women marry men hoping that they will change. Invariably, both are disappointed. It's so yucky, but I do think that women are taught that seeking to improve a man is how you show love. And by extension, his improvement then serves as proof of her worthiness, proof of her effectiveness. Is it a recipe for disaster? Absolutely, absolutely. I've talked on the podcast before about research that shows that in heterosexual relationships, women bear the brunt of what's called hermeneutic labor, which is the labor of helping someone understand their emotional world, and that is research shows that women tend to provide an awful lot of hermeneutic labor to men. Why? Because we're socialized to do so. Why? Because men are socialized not to understand their own internal world, so therefore, they get into relationships and she ends up helping him understand his emotional world. So women have been so deeply socialized to have their finger on the pulse of the other and on the quality of the relationship. It's more broadly the case that people with less power, across the board, whether it's race or gender or sexuality, people with less power stay safe by ensuring that people who have more power are okay, right? Like, less powerful people regulate more powerful people as a survival strategy. So that does look in heterosexual pairings like her feeling responsible to assess, are we okay, is he okay? So that primes women to be more likely, I would say, to be the change partner. Let's leave the change partner there. So I've given you some factors. Think about family of origin, think about gender. Let's talk about our acceptance partner. So what is some of the internal psychology of our acceptance partner? So if we go back to our family of origin roles, it's very possible that the acceptance partner played the role of the easy one when they were growing up. They may have learned to pull back or disengage in challenging times as a way to create safety. They may have gotten really good at fitting themselves into reality as it was rather than trying to change it. And that early way of being then primes them to be much more the acceptance partner than the change partner. Similarly, if you played the role of the rebel or the struggling one in your family of origin, you may also have a tendency towards being the acceptance partner. The rebel tends to step away from reality or question reality. And the struggling one may feel like they're not in a particularly good position to advocate for change. Therefore, they are sort of the one who's accepting what is. I think there's also some overlap between being the acceptance partner and utilizing more avoidant attachment strategies. I was saying before that our change partner probably tends towards more anxious attachment strategies. Well, I think our acceptance partner tends toward more avoidant attachment strategies. All in all, our acceptance partner is more relationally receptive than relationally proactive, you know? What I often see is that the acceptance partner is avoiding the awful feeling they have when they feel like they've disappointed their change partner. Let me say that again because it's so important, it needs to be underlined. What is often the case is that the acceptance partner, when they are doing some of that avoidant behavior, what they're avoiding is the very, very terrible feeling they have when they sense or know that the change partner is disappointed. Disappointed in them, disappointed in how the relationship is going so that acceptance is a desire to escape the yucky feeling. So here's how it may play out. The change partner raises a concern. The acceptance partner pushes back and says, "I don't think it's that bad. You're looking at the glass as half empty. I don't think it's that big of a deal." The acceptance partner is doing that to protect themselves from the horrible feeling that they've let their partner down. Is that understandable? Yes. Is that effective? No, because what happens? When the change partner's concern goes unvalidated, the change partner's either gonna turn the volume up on their concern or turn the volume down on their concern, neither of which is great. So if the change partner doubles down and is like, "It's absolutely a problem. Why don't you see it? You don't get it." The more the change partner criticizes, the more the acceptance partner defends, and round and round they go, leaving them both feeling misunderstood. Or it goes the other way. If the change partner raises a concern and the acceptance partner is like, "It's not a big deal. It's not so bad." Then the change partner might just pull away, turn the volume down. The change partner might say, "Okay, forget it. What's the point of trying to get you to see things from my perspective?" And under that scenario, also, they both end up feeling disconnected. Point being, the acceptance partner very likely hates feeling like the change partner is disappointed or frustrated or critical of something that they've done or something that's happening in the relationship. And the acceptance partner, their desire to have it be like, "It's okay. It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it." That desire comes from a place of wanting connection, of wanting things to be okay, of wanting the change partner to be pleased, but it's not a very effective route to making it happen. So where do we go from here? Well, remember at the top of the show when I was talking about how the interplay of two opposing truths in a dialectic forges a path forward that third way? Well, when it comes to the effort mismatch, that third way is truly embracing that the only route to emotional security in a relationship is with the presence of both growth and acceptance. The effort mismatch, in fact, cannot be resolved, but it can be carried with ever more curiosity and grace and self-awareness and compassion. And even if each of you has a predilection toward either change or acceptance, that tendency is not immutable. So each of you can look for opportunities to embody the other side of the effort mismatch. If you're the change partner, here's what I want you to do. I want you to actively look for opportunities to talk about what's going well in the relationship, what your partner is doing well, what you're doing well, all the ways in which the two of you are amazing as you are right here, right now today. I also want you, change partner, to step back. To step back so that your partner has a chance to take the lead on making observations and comments about the relationship. I don't mean step back in like a sulky, pouty way. I mean, just shift your energy to a little less doing and a little more being. If you're the acceptance partner, you can also play with the other side of the dialectic by actively looking for opportunities to suggest a change in how the two of you do things as a couple. See if you can be the one who introduces something new. Step up, initiate something that's different for the two of you, something that's different in the relationship. Before I let you go, I'm gonna offer five relational self-awareness questions for each of you. And then I'm gonna walk you through a little meditation. All right, change partner, I'm coming for you first because I am you. You know by now that you have some crucial gifts that you bring to the dynamic. You're a noticer, you fight for evolution, you fight for deeper connection. You make sure that stuff does not get swept under the rug. And that helps the two of you avoid the build-up of resentment or silent suffering. So here are some relational self-awareness questions that you can reflect on, that you can journal about, and hopefully that you can even explore with your partner. All right, question number one. How does your acceptance partners steadfast focus on the enoughness of the relationship benefit you? How does their acceptance help you, benefit you, serve you? What's the way in which it's good for you? All right, number two. What do you imagine it might be like for you to have a partner who's also skewed towards change? How do you imagine that you'd feel in a dynamic with somebody who's wired like you? What would it be like if you were a change partner, partner with somebody else who's also a change partner? What would that be like? Question number three. What do you fear might happen if you accept things as they are right here, right now, today? Number four, sometimes we get really intent on pointing our attention in one direction because we're actually avoiding looking at something in the other direction. So when you focus so much energy on improving this relationship, what are you avoiding focusing on? Number five, what would you be doing, thinking and feeling if you accepted that this relationship is good as it is right here, right now, today? What would that be like for you? Okay, acceptance partner, you're up now. You also have some vital gifts that you bring to the relationship. You can see the good in yourself, in your partner, in the relationship. Your steadiness offers reassurance to your partner. You are there to prevent analysis paralysis. You make sure that the two of you spend more time doing the relationship than talking about the relationship. And here are some relational self-awareness questions for you to reflect on and journal about and hopefully talk with your change partner about. All right, question number one. How does your change partner's finger on the pulse of the relationship benefit you? What do you get out of that? How is it good for you to be partner with somebody who's got their finger on the pulse of the relationship? Question number two, what do you imagine it might be like for you to have a partner who's also skewed toward acceptance? How do you imagine you'd feel in that dynamic with somebody who's wired like you? If you're an acceptance partner and you are partner with somebody else who's an acceptance partner, what would that be like for you? Number three, what do you worry it says about you if you agree to the changes that your partner is asking for? Number four, sometimes the resistance to change isn't really about the fact that you like what's happening right now, it's about something else. Something that your change partner in their most difficult moments might call your stubbornness or your laziness. Those are judgmental ways of talking about something that might actually be going on inside of you. Maybe a fear of failure, maybe a fear of a loss of power, a loss of respect, a loss of self-respect. So the question for you here, question number four, is what deeper fear might be hanging out beneath and behind your tendency to focus on acceptance? We're good as we are, I'm enough as I am. What deeper fear might be going on for you? Fear of failure, fear of loss of power, fear of loss of respect, kind of dig into what's underneath your tendency to say, we're good, I'm good, you're good, it's all good. Number five, is there a part of you that believes that making change in the name of love is something to in fact be proud of? Is there part of you that believes that or senses that or knows that? What message does that part of you have for the rest of you? Okay, we're gonna end this episode with a little meditation that's designed to help both of you feel more able to carry the effort mismatched together. So this meditation invites each partner to truly embrace the other. So you can feel free to close your eyes and just let this part of the episode sort of wash over you and you can notice any resistance that maybe comes up for you and see if you can just invite that resistance to step aside even a little bit. So here's the change partner speaking to the acceptance partner. Dear acceptance partner, the more you can appreciate my orientation toward relationship work and steady improvement, the easier it is for me to accept things as they are and to let go of the need to control or manage everything. Because what you're conveying to me is that you appreciate that I'm not gonna let us stagnate. I'm not gonna settle for mediocrity. And the more you convey that what I bring to the table is an asset and a value, the more I can let go and allow. Through one lens, you may see my behavior as hypervigilance, but through another lens, it's sensitivity, it's perception. Yes, my past undoubtedly fuels my tendency, but it's also about me caring for us. It's about my investment in us. I don't in fact know what to do with the things that I see and feel and notice. I share them with you because I want you to stand alongside me and try out my perspective. It means the world to me when you validate my observation. Whether or not we even make any change, just please validate. Yeah, what you're saying makes sense. I can see where you're coming from. And now here's the acceptance partner speaking to the change partner. Dear change partner, the more you convey that you accept me as the person I am today, the easier it is for me to change in ways that matter to you. What I know for sure is that changing myself in an attempt to avoid your judgment or in an attempt to free myself from shame, actually paradoxically deepens my shame. Growth that is founded in my deep rooted sense of my own dignity is far more lasting. When I'm able to feel accepted and loved as I am today, the changes I make feel like a source of pride rather than a capitulation or a desperate attempt to win your approval. I have to give myself that acceptance certainly, but it also feels really good to feel your acceptance of me and your admiration of me. It means the world to me when you can see and name goodness and bounty and plenty in yourself, in me and us, because then I feel less alone. Please don't worry that recognizing the good is going to lead me to languish or give up, it won't. You recognizing the good feels loving and it brings me closer to you. Okay, that's the end of the meditation. And that, my dear, is the end of the effort mismatch relationship dialectic. Woo, we did it. We identified the two types of partners, the acceptance partner and the change partner. We looked at the internal dynamics and the relational dynamics. We talked about how this difference between partners is actually extremely complimentary, even as it poses challenges for each partner. And if you feel like this dynamic of the effort mismatch feels familiar to you, I hope this episode validated your experience and gave you some new ways to think about and work with the dynamic. Until next time, be well. Do you have a relationship question that you want answered on the show? Visit reimagininglove.com to send in a written or audio question. Questions can be about intimate partnerships, family relationships, friendships, you name it. If you're looking for more love and relationship content, you can find me on Instagram at doctor.alexandra.salomon or visit my website, dralexandrasalomon.com, where you'll find my blog as well as the intimate relationships 101 e-course based off of the popular class I teach at Northwestern University. Thank you for listening and see you next week here on reimagining love. [BLANK_AUDIO]