Is It Okay to Have Crushes in a Relationship?

Crushes should be at a distance. I love that. Yes, if that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs, oh, glad you like the pasta, get out of here. You know I'm married. And now I can't have a crush on you anymore. This podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat. Welcome back. Mid-May. That is what it is. I'm gearing up to be in New York for a whole month. Yeah, so I will be getting to New York today. And then we have some fun things this week. Raina's show in New York. I will be there. Oh, that's my special guest. Yes. Emerson Theater, Thursday night. Please come. Ashley will be at both shows. And then, yeah, I'm going to be on the East Coast for two weeks. That's crazy. And then. I'm going to see my family. And then going to Boston for Memorial Day weekend. Exotic. And I'm so excited. I just haven't been to Boston. And so I guess I was in Boston for the Thanksgiving holiday. But just summertime, springtime. You know, I used to spend so much time there when I was in a long-distance relationship. I know. So excited to be there. You surprised me with that. I didn't know you were going to Boston. So exotic. I know. People are like, what are you doing for the holiday? Going to my first Red Sox game. Oh, you've never been? I've never been. So that will be next weekend. Do you care about baseball? No. Do you like going? I just have always wanted to go to Fenway. I don't know why. Oh, because it's like a classic. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like that movie? This was so many years ago. Fever Pitch. It had Jimmy Fallon in it. I actually only remember the cover art of that cartoon ball. Yes. Is that the cartoon ball? Yeah, I think so. Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore. I love this movie. It's such a deep cut. Jimmy Fallon? Jimmy Fallon in this rom-com. And ever since, I've just always wanted to go to a Red Sox game. I feel like the only thing men do as a group as they get older, go on like baseball stadium tours. That's men's only group activity with each other as they get older. Well, we went to two baseball games last summer, and that was too, too many, but it's fine. Like, Shashank just loves baseball, and so I will go to two a year. I have like PTSD because my dad used to drag us to every fucking Pirates game and talk the, he wanted to tell me about every umpire, every stat. I have truly never cared less about anything than baseball in my life. It's a nice, hypothetically, it's a nice thing. It's just so slow. I just, I want hockey where they start to make out. I just, I love a basketball game. I mean, when we went to that Celtics playoff game, I obviously love a football game. People are like, you can go and relax. It's like, I could go relax on my couch and not pay $50 to park and $20 for a hot dog. I could go relax somewhere else. Right, exactly. I just, I've been at baseball games, and I have been sitting there for one hour, and I haven't looked at the score. That's how little I care. Because there isn't, it's like, the score's two. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you. Who's ever won a baseball game I've attended? Fuck no. But anyway, it's a nice experience, and my husband loves baseball, so we'll be at that game. But that's next weekend, so. We'll see you this week in New York City. Yeah, we'll see you guys there. I'm so excited. And Raina has another fun special announcement, but we'll thank our partners. All right, well, we'll thank our partners. Thank you to Rocket Money. Reach your financial goals faster at rocketmoney.com slash GGE and ZBiotics. Get 15% off at zbiotics.com slash GGE with code GGE. And thank you to Helix. Go to helixsleep.com slash GGE. For 27% off site-wide. Why? Okay, announcement time. You guys, I'm very excited to announce this, because I started to get really sad. Like, am I going to be done with this tour in May? And like, what am I going to do in the fall? And what I'm doing in the fall is extending the tour. Yeah, we knew you would. You guys knew she would. I think you knew I would. I didn't even know I would. Well, it's just like, what else are you doing? Truly, what else am I doing? And why not go tour the material as long as you can? Yes. I mean, outside of you, am I touring together? This is the greatest joy of my life. I love it. The tour has just been so much fun to be with you guys. And I am adding 11 new cities. I'm going back to a couple cities, and I'm doing my first international tour stop in London. So I'm very excited. I'm trying, as this airs today, so I'm announcing the tour today on May 11th, and I'll post it on my Instagram, all the tour stops and the dates. It will go on sale May 14th at 10 a.m. local time. So rainagreeberg.com, and I'll list the cities really quickly, but I don't know as we're recording right now what the London date is. Well, I don't know. I was just thinking, I don't know any of these. Guys, you're hearing this as the first time with me. I don't know what she's doing. I know she's been working on them. She's talking about London. I'm supposed to go, but I don't know what's happening. I think I'm moving it so you can be with me. So my initial date, it might still be the date. Who's to say? My initial date was July 4th, which I thought was hilarious to do Independence Day in London. You hate to be in this country. Yes. America who, if you will? I started thinking I wanted you to be with me, so I might move this to October. So I don't know when the show is, but by the time this airs, it will be on my website and be on the tour poster. Okay, so guys, check that space. Watch the space. Watch the space. I've rescheduled Nashville and Salt Lake, so I'll be going back there in July, but I'm kicking it off in Columbus, Ohio. Love it. Cincinnati, St. Louis, Indianapolis, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Stanford, Connecticut, Buffalo. Buffalo? Buffalo, baby. I feel like it's just a hop skip. I have adrenaline right now. Oh, wait till you get one. I didn't know any of these. The last three that you're going to say, Vancouver, Detroit. Detroit, and then I'm ending it all in Vegas. November 12th, Vegas. It's a Thursday night. Come Thursday and Friday, I'm going to invite every person we're friends with. I want to do Thursday night show, Friday night, chain smokers, club, another club, bus. I just want to go so hard. This is insane. And I'm revisiting two stops that I just couldn't add more shows in. So Seattle and Toronto, I am coming back to those cities because I wanted to add more stops, and I couldn't because I'm about. I probably came back in a body bag The last time I did that was science. You'll definitely get another cold this fall. Yes. So I'm curious which one you're going to cancel. It's going to be Ohio. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We love Ohio. We write for Ohio harder than any other performers I know. When people are like, what's your favorite cities to perform in? We're like all of the Ohio cities. All the Ohios. Okay. When is Vancouver? Thank you for asking. It's the day before Seattle. So October 28th is Vancouver. October 29th, Seattle. When is Detroit? Detroit is 11-11, November 11th. Okay. I like that. And then 11-12, Vegas. I wanted to actually end this several weeks before Thanksgiving because I think people start to travel and I want you guys to come party in Vegas. Obviously, Ashley will be there. What's on November 1st, my anniversary? I took that time off to celebrate, actually. To celebrate it? That we may or may not be married? To absorb privately. Well, congrats. Thank you. Buffalo. Came out of nowhere. Came out of nowhere because we've never gone there. Not because we don't want to. And we have always heard that it's a great comedy scene. And just the people are really fun. And so that's so great. I'm so glad. I'm really excited. So I just, I feel like I wasn't done. I felt like there was more to do. So this goes on sale this Thursday, May 14th, 10 a.m. local time. Everything will be on my website, reina greenberg.com. Okay. That's it. That's all I got. I can't wait. I love that. Okay. Congrats. So fun. And of course, my comedic update is you guys can watch my special. It has been out worldwide. Yes. If there's any confusion, it's been out for 10 days now, 10, 11 days at this point. So you guys can watch it on YouTube, anywhere in the world. Except North Korea. Except for a few countries. Eritrea, for one, which sounds vaginal. I thought that that was an airline. Eritrea? I'm thinking of Emirates. Emirates. It's Eritrea. I don't know. It sounds just kind of. Eritrea. It sounds cute. It does. Sounds like Eritrea. But also sounds like something's going on with your urethra or your clit. Okay. And you can watch it if you're here in the U.S. on Prime Video. If you have a Prime Video subscription. So two ways to watch. But anywhere in the world, with the exception of like three countries, you can watch on YouTube. And I hope that you guys have been loving it, if you have watched it. I know you guys love it. It's amazing. And we will have just done the Netflix is a Joke Festival last week. So thank you guys for coming out for that. We're recording this before the show, but we're sure it was amazing. We're sure you guys had a fun, hilarious, horny time with us and the Chippendales and Bobby Westside, our MC. So thank you to everyone that made that. And we love being a part of this festival. And so thank you guys for coming out. And if you're looking for other fun stuff to do in LA, now that the biggest comedy festival in the world is over, we have a go-to and we've mentioned them before on this podcast, which is Camber. You speak Camber app. Now it's Camber Places, which is camberplaces.com and camberplaces on Instagram. And this is just an LA guide, things to do, restaurants. It is my go-to. I post a lot of stuff. I posted this a couple of weeks ago that I send Shashank reels or posts of restaurants and he makes the res. Like these are all of our dates, like all the things we do. I mean, you introduced me to it. Tessa, when she worked for us, when we first, when we first moved to LA, I was like, I need to get like, cause you know, we lived in New York. I had to follow like time out in New York and infatuation and like, how do I find stuff to do in LA now? And I was like, what are the accounts I follow? And Tessa suggested, she was like, I love this app Camber. And I subscribed to their newsletter and I just, I get so much like good stuff to do every week in LA from them. And even the founder. Maddie, she posts great reels too of just like tips of like travel, where to stay. So there's some cute reels of, there's a cute reel of Ashley and I talking about girls night out. You subscribe to their sub stack. We're also on there just talking about LA in general, but I'm always looking for like a trusted voice in every city. Like I'm visiting town. What do I do? That's the one I go to is Camber in LA. I mean, I wish they had it in every city. It's that good. And of course there's plenty of platforms. There's timeout in every city, but this just, I love what she does. of what they do. When I went to Laguna Beach, I took the exact itinerary from Canberra and then just started their Instagram, which is Canberra Places. And then you can go to their link tree and then you can find the sub stack. They have a podcast called Is There Parking, which is so appropriate for L.A. Obviously, you always got to know if there's parking. Newsletter, like we said. And just the reels. And the website is really great. They redid it recently. And you can look by what you're looking for, your neighborhood. I mean, there's just obviously so many neighborhoods in L.A. A lot of times you're like, I can't just look at all of L.A. I need to filter by the specific neighborhood. And we just love it so much. I mean, I got to a point where I was like, I can't bookmark anymore. I just bookmark everything they post. They did an Ojai one. I took the whole trip in Ojai. Not one skip. I just love the way they create the content every time. And I'm never disappointed. You know, I feel like sometimes you might see a reel of a place, a coffee shop, and you're like, oh, my God, it looks so beautiful, so exotic or something. And you go there like, what is this? You really catfished. You paid for this. They don't do that. It feels really. It's true to what you get. So check them out. Speaking of something to do in New York, I just want to tell you this because it made me laugh. Okay. So I'm like, obviously, like a bagel purist. Bagels are really important to me. You want to go back and forth about what's a good bagel, what you're willing to eat and what I'm willing to eat. And I'm just, I don't want to eat bagels outside of New York City. It's what I want. It's just, it's all I care about. Other cities, bagels, like, you just keep it to yourself. I don't want it. You can't do it good. But there's this thing. There's a festival called New York Bagel Fest. And it's gotten so big. I mean, I think it's like five, six years already I've been doing it. It's at Citi Field now. It's so big. And it's every bagel place in New York. And they've asked me to like be, I think they asked both of us to be a judge, right? We'll do it another year. But they did their first L.A. Bagel Fest. And I got served a reel about it. And I was like, what is this going to be? I feel like that's rage bait. L.A. Bagel Fest. And I like the bagels here. I'm just saying. It does feel like maybe who greenlit this. I was looking at like all that. But this reel, listen, I don't want to shut up. These are all great. It's just not my style of bagel. All the bagels, you got like little quarters of a bagel. People got like very creative with the toppings. There was like kimchi and salad. You know, I think they get too creative here. There's olive oil and there's just like honey. Stop this. Stop this right now. And I was like, are they going to tell us the name of any of these places? And the only owner that they interviewed in this reel, she was like, our bagels are gluten-free, dairy-free, and seed oil-free. And I was like, ah, fuck this festival in L.A. No, fuck all the way off. I want them to be, it's full fat, it is full dairy. What dairy? Am I crazy? What dairy is in a bagel? Eggs? I think it's flour, water, and alkaline. You put alkaline in the water and you boil it. That's what makes the crust. Dairy-free? Dairy-free. Seed oil-free. Shut the fuck up. Listen, I know people want to eat like this and good for you, but I don't want it. Tell me about a salad. I really feel for people who have to eat gluten-free. I mean, we have a close friend who, I mean, she's gluten-free. She's gluten-free. And I sometimes, when we go places, like she will get the gluten-free version of whatever. And I always take a little taste and I always regret it. Is it bad? I just, bread is tough, I think, for whatever reason. I ordered breakfast this morning, which is very unlike me. And I did think, I almost, I thought about ordering gluten-free bread. And I was like, nah, enjoy your day. Yeah, it just doesn't hit the same. But I mean, I feel for them. They know it doesn't. It's a terrible life decision to make. A lot of people have celiac disease. I'm joking. Yeah, I don't think we need an L.A. Bagel Fest, L.A. Taco Fest, L.A. Pasta Fest, L.A. Salad Fest. Literally, sandwiches. I would fuck with a salad fest. Sandwiches. I mean, I could give you a ride. I've done every single sandwich in L.A. I'm like a connoisseur. Like crazy pizza here is fantastic. Bagels, I don't want it. You don't need to do it here. You know what? I will accept that from you because you said you will give us pizza. I think there's great pizza. There's great pizza. There's great pizza. It's some of the best in the country. Yeah. We went to a great Indian place recently that I saw. Again, Canberra. Send it to Shashank. We made a res. It's called Bad Mash. It's in Venice. Such a vibe. Just give me a restaurant with good food and rap music. You know I get so pissed if a restaurant is not playing rap music. And I know that's not for everybody, but I'm like, why not? But why not give me a vibe? I know. There is a restaurant, I'm not going to call them out by name, in New York. And it was a place we spent a lot of time, and I know them. And I was like, that's a part. I was like, the music is just. It's always different. I never know what we're getting. And I asked the manager, and she was like, it's just whatever the hostess wants to put on. I was like, what? You just leave it up to the hostess? I can tell. You guys are never trying to set a vibe. That's crazy. Consistency is key. I feel like you should know what you're getting at an establishment. I don't even know what you're saying to me. That's insane. So the hostess is having like an emo bad day. Right. Sometimes I would walk in there, and I'd be like, this has to be a joke. What's playing? Like, what have you got broken up with today? Right. Or like, it could be heavy metal. I'm leaving. I just want to listen to Bad Bunny all day, every day. That's fair. Also, like, what if that doesn't match the vibe? I know. So anyway, but great experience at Bad Mash. Okay, well, so speaking of food, we have this article we wanted to discuss with you guys. So there's this article on The Cut. It's called, I'm Over Here Meal Prepping While He Spends $100 on Sushi. It unpacks. Three different scenarios with three different couples and their spending habits around food, which, I mean, we can break each one down, and we will. I just, I find it really interesting. And a lot of these questions are like, what am I allowed to say something about? What's reasonable? What crosses the line? And I think that this is like highly debatable, what you're allowed to ask of your partner in terms of how they spend money. I mean, you just, you got to get aligned about how do I see money? And how do I see the rest of my life? And what, how do I value spending? Right. Yeah. It says the number of households. Use food delivery services like DoorDash, Grubhub, Uber Eats has roughly doubled in recent years. Obviously, that's not a bad thing. Pivoting to takeout kept many restaurants afloat during the pandemic, yada, yada. But it's just gotten more expensive. Like, I can't, I mean, with the fees and everything, and as it should be. I mean, sometimes I can't believe what some of these delivery drivers are running around and not making, you know, like, I always want a tip. And it's not about that, but it's gotten more expensive to get food delivered. And a lot of, a lot of these services, almost all of them, DoorDash, Grubhub, Uber Eats, they charge the restaurant a percentage. It's usually like 15 to 25% of the total bill. And so restaurants will pass those fees on to the customers. And those menu items are more money when you order them on these things than when, if you'd go to a restaurant. So there's that fee also. So it's 20% more. It's a delivery fee. It's like just things that just say like fee. Yeah. And a tip. So yeah, it's expensive. Yeah. So there's three scenarios here. So the first one, a 27-year-old physician's assistant lives in New York. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice. She says, my husband and I are about $20,000 in credit card debt from their wedding. It was worth it. But they basically agreed to put $1,000 each a month. So $2,000 total towards the $20,000 debt. They'd get it paid off in under a year. And she says, I put in about $5,000 and he's probably contributed about $2,000. So he's not holding up his end of the bargain. And she says he's probably spending between $200 and $400 a week on DoorDash which was not part of the plan. To be fair, it's not hard to spend that much, 100%. We live in New York. We're ordering one meal, winds up close to $40 or $50 with delivery fees and tips and everything. Doing that once or twice a day, whoa, really adds up. Okay. So anyway, she just says every month he comes up short on the debt payment, says he's doing the best he can. She says, I pointed this out to him. He gets defensive. He's busy. He's a paralegal to law firm and he works hard. He says he doesn't have time to cook and that ordering food is his only vice, which is true. He doesn't even drink. I brown bag my lunch at work every day. When I've suggested that he try that, he's done it once or twice. For dinner, I'm pretty happy making rice in our rice cooker with mixed vegetables and an egg or something, but I often wind up eating his leftovers too so that all this food he's ordering doesn't go to waste. He does most of his ordering at work and he often works until 8 p.m. or so, so he'll order dinner and bring the rest home. I've told him that I'll wait until he gets home to cook dinner, but he says his schedule is too unpredictable. I'm not really sure what to do. I know that he feels guilty. I don't want to be a nag. I love him. I'm optimistic it'll work out, yada, yada. There is so much happening here. And the comments were lit up about this, multiple parts about it. He ate her rice cooker for one because he doesn't want to eat that. Let's reframe this nag thing for you just right away. When you are married to somebody and you have both made a financial decision to spend money and every financial decision that your partner makes now affects you, you are not being a quote-unquote nag. You have every right in the world to communicate with your partner about this. I don't care if he calls you a nag every day. You have every right to question your partner's spending habits. That's crazy. Yes. If you guys have agreed to pay off your shared debt, and he is spending $200 to $400 a week on DoorDash, that's infuriating. There's a couple things. Someone was like, if he works till 8, his company should be paying for his dinner. But let's just say that doesn't happen. He can also walk down the street. I mean, you live in New York. You actually don't have to pay the delivery fees. There's just other options. I also get the, like, this comes up a few times in the article, being like a vice. And vice doesn't always have to be the word. It can just be something that brings you. You know, you work all day. You're like, I don't want to eat rice with an egg. And I understand that. You know, I want to order. I want a hit of something. Like, I'm unhappy at work, and I'm stressed. This is how I want to bring some joy into my life. But you've got to navigate that within your relationship. Because the underlying theme here is the debt and him playing in her face, ordering $100 a week for food. I validate that. That, like, we all deserve joy in life. And if you're like, I'm working till 8 p.m. every day. I need some joy. I'm not spending this on drugs or alcohol. Or gambling or T-shirts. I mean, there's plenty of people that spend $400 a week on new clothing. So. If she was also doing that, like, why is his habit not as valid as her habit? But it sounds like, number one, she's paying her debt and he's not. Yes. And there are alternatives to this. You actually don't need to spend $50 per meal. And I'm not saying you need to have a dollar slice for every single thing. But, like, you could spend half of that at least to feed yourself every day and still eat really well. It's just, if you're not paying off your debt, then you don't have the money for this. Figure this out until the debt is paid off. It's like, I'm sorry. You guys had an agreement to pay off your wedding together. This makes me feel crazy. I know. And I want my partner to feel that they have autonomy to spend whatever money that they want and whatever things that they deem that their hard-earned money should go to. But not when we have decided together to make a debt. I know. I know. So I dated somebody. I had lent him. We were younger. He really needed money. I lent him $5,000. That was an insurmountable amount of money to me back then. Yeah, totally. That was like $26,000, $27,000. That was the most money I could ever imagine giving to somebody. But he was my partner. We lived together. I was like, fine. I know where he lives. I'll get it back. And he was a bartender, and he'd get off work late, and he would take cabs home. And I was like, okay. In any other scenario, it makes sense. If you work really hard, you work really late, 1 o'clock in the morning, you should be allowed to take a cab, except when you owe me money and there's alternatives. This was also like a 6'2 man. It's different if you're a woman. You're scared to take a subway home in the middle of the night. But you're not scared. You're a big man. Yeah. I mean, when you owe your partner money, you have agreed to pay this thing off together, you have to be responsible. You have to be responsible. This isn't just that she doesn't like this habit of his. It's that he's on the hook for something they agreed to. I wonder what defense he has. These are not substantial defenses to me. Like, I work really hard. I need to eat. I don't have time to cook. That's still not a substantial defense for like, I need to overspend on this, and I can't pay back this. Yeah. And I really don't understand the logistics. Something is a little shady here. You ordered it at work, and you still got it delivered. You couldn't pick it up. You couldn't pick it up on the way home. Again, like, it's what, $10, $20 you might save by picking it up, but it shows your partner that you're not spending frivolously. $20 is a lot. I mean, if that's like $50 a meal versus $30 a meal. $100 a week or something? I mean, what's he spending on the delivery fees? Okay, so what was the advice that you give her? Oh. Like, okay, he's like, you're being annoying. I don't go out and drink. This is what I choose to spend money on. I just think she needs to say, we might not be aligned on this. You know, I understand you want to treat yourself, and I want to make rice with an egg on it, but I really want us to commit to paying off this debt together, and it just feels like you aren't taking it as seriously, and I have to be completely honest. When I see the hundreds of dollars a week on the food delivery, I feel a little disrespected because we have committed to paying this debt off together. That's a perfect answer. I love it. Thank you. Cosign from Raina. Okay, so the next one, I think this sounds like two women in a relationship. The woman writing it. She says her employer pays for her dinner if she works past 7 p.m., which she does almost every night. She's a management consultant. They live in Virginia. My partner, on the other hand, orders dinner pretty much every night. I come home, find her sitting on the couch, half-empty Thai food containers on the coffee table, watching TV. It's so depressing. And so basically, she just gets into, like, she's got some body issues, but so do I. What woman doesn't? But ordering out every meal is not healthy. It's expensive. She's unhappy at work, so I think it becomes a sort of comfort thing for her, like a treat at the end of the day. I'm empathetic, but I also wish she'd help herself. I'm not sure how much she's spending on delivery every week, but it's got to be a couple hundred dollars at least. We moved in together a year ago. Okay, so they're not married. They're not locked in. So maybe she's always done this, but now she's just more comfortable. I brought up meal kit solutions, but then she says you're never home for dinner, so they're not going to cook together. And it just, the whole thing is frustrating. I hope it's a funk that's temporary, but it seems indicative of something bigger. I don't want to say she's lazy, but sometimes it feels like she's giving up. I mean, some of these are relationship problems and not food delivery problems. Yeah, I mean, none of these are food delivery problems. The first one is we just have mismatched ideals about, like, what we want to spend money on and what we value, like how we look at money. This is just like, it's hard to watch your partner kind of give up on life. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what's going on here. I think everyone goes through hard times, and sometimes you're like, I'm in a slump, and I'm unhappy at work, and this is just how I'm living right now, and that's okay, and that's human. But at some point, if you are unhappy, you have to figure out how to dig yourself out. If you are happy doing that, you are with the wrong person. Some people want to get home and order takeout and watch TV every night. They are happy doing that. They have to find a person that's happy doing that, too, because your partner is going to be turned off by it, the same way that you'd be turned off by someone getting up at 5 a.m. and eating a chicken breast and going to the gym and running a marathon. Like, you're not aligned in your lifestyle. Like, that might be their best life. Yes. Like, my dream is I make so much money that I don't ever have to cook or get takeout or prep anything in my life. I will get delivery. I will get delivery every single day. That's some people's best life. Yes, sorry. They also said they can't afford it. So this actually isn't about the money. I think it's more about the lifestyle, and she's, like, just looking at her differently when she comes home and she's on the couch. These couples, all of them, are not aligned in how they have dinner, and I think that's huge, and that is just personal to me. It's important to me. I know when Shashanka and I are both home for dinner, someone doesn't have plans with their friends or something. I know what we're doing. I also had dinner with my family every single night. My mom. My dad. My brother and I. My mom or my dad cooked dinner every night. We had dinner as a family. It's important to me, and it's important in my relationship. So these wouldn't work for me. I mean, I think there's times in your life where someone's got to work late, this and that, but, like, I don't understand how these relationships have worked up till now. Like, Shashanka and I do have dinner together. I love that you're, like, the issue is dinner. But, like, he works all day. Like, we have dinner together. But it wasn't an option, so it doesn't sound like it's an option for these people. This is a problem. Like, she's, like, you're never home for dinner. Can you get dinner? Can you get home a little earlier? Can we make Sunday brunch our thing? Like, what are they doing to combat this whole, like, we never eat dinner together thing? I don't know. But the first couple, I'm like, okay, so what's the alternative? We're just going to accrue all this interest and debt, and, like, that's how you want to live? Like, don't you want to set us up for some success in the future by, like, not accruing all this debt? Yeah. Like, that's how you want to live. You want to live, like, under a mountain of stress. I mean, that could also be a bigger problem, how that guy manages money. But I want them to work on it because they're married. But the second couple. They're not. And this may not be the right match. Like, she says it's, like, depressing to come home. Yeah. And she's just. That wouldn't depress everybody. You know what I mean? That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't think. I don't. Some people would walk in the door and just be like, okay, my partner worked hard. I'm not saying she's wrong. But I wouldn't love it. I wouldn't love to know that I was outside of the house all day long working hard. I came home. You did not order me dinner. You're just sitting here eating something bad for you. You're already depressed. Food that's bad for you only makes you. How do I want to phrase this? It seems like you're eating things that make you feel bad. Because you already feel bad. Yeah. And she's unhappy at work, which ruins your whole life. Yeah. I mean, if you are unhappy at work, truly, hate your job. It really can take over your life. I watched a friend recently who just was in a job like that for years. And it really, I feel like, changed who she was. And she recently left her job. She's a different person. And she's got other shit going on. And she still feels so much lighter and happier because she's out of that job. I was like, it was the job. Right. And that's why I think you frame this conversation, this second one, is just like, you don't seem as happy as I'd like to see you. And like, let's talk. I mean, she might get the world's best job and be super happy. You're still going to come home every day. She's eating Thai food on the couch. Yeah. And that might depress you. And that might not be the person for you. Okay. So. You know, when I was like so sick a couple weeks ago, the amount of takeout I ordered and stuff that was bad. I ate Levain cookies every single day. I ate the Celica every day. I was like, I have nothing left. Yeah. Oh, people wrote on the comments, you did it right. It said, starve a. Starve a cold. No, feed a cold. I fed it. Feed a cold, starve a flu or something. I know what you're saying. They just said, feed a cold. People said you were right to binge while you were that cold. What else? I had nothing else to live for. Okay. This last one. Okay. She's 27, works in marketing in San Francisco. Before my boyfriend and I met, he says he ordered in every single meal. He has literally never cooked a thing. At first, this was endearing. He's a very capable person overall. It was fun to order food together or go out. But now that we moved in together as of three months ago, it seems unsustainable. I've always cooked my own food. Part of it is cultural, but it's also financial. My parents are frugal. They're from India. And I was raised to take care of myself. It seems so helpless to not be able to make your own dinner. So she likes to meal plan and go shopping on Sundays. She said, it's not my money, so I try not to care too much. But it's ridiculous when I'm over here meal prepping while he spends $100 on sushi. Is this every day? Did I miss that? Yeah, he does not cook for himself. She says, I'm pretty sure what I spend on a week's worth of groceries is less than what he spends on a food in a single day. It's okay for now, but what happens if we get married or have kids? I don't mind being the cook of the household. Because I do like it. But it's a little weird that he rarely wants to eat what I'm making. I've asked him if he doesn't like my cooking or if there's something else he'd prefer. He just says he likes to order what he's in the mood for when he's in the mood for it. I don't think his family ate meals together a lot growing up. So maybe that's part of it too. I wonder how it affects his finances. He makes considerably more money than I do. So I'm not in a position to tell him. He can't afford anything. But if he's spending $500 a week on food for years, I mean, you do the math. I'm not sure what he has in savings. He's getting a little bit better. I've convinced him to eat what I'm making two days a week, which is a start. But I hate being the dinner police. It seems like other couples don't have this type of conflict. Why does this have to be complicated? Shouldn't he want to eat delicious, home-cooked, affordable food instead of expensive crap? I mean, I'd have to know more about his finances. I'd have to know about the relationship. To me, you and me, food is just the most important thing. Food adventures, having dinner together, cooking together. It's how I show love. It's the most important thing to me. Is everything else in the relationship great? Does he make you feel valued and heard and understood and uplift you? Is the only thing that you guys want? I have different types of dinners. Like maybe that's fine. Is he so rich? They're like, "$500? out of somebody's pocket a week might not be that much money for them everybody's different it would be a lifestyle thing for me it would just be disappointing I want to you do too like sit around cook together talk about we're gonna eat I want to start talking in the morning about what we're gonna have for dinner I want to plan like a special night like what are we doing that's fun there's so many different things here like yeah he makes more money but is he really wasteful like is he always gonna make that much money is he gonna be spending two grand on delivery if he gets takes the pay cut like how does he look at money and spend money totally different conversation then they made me sad and I don't know like she's Indian she wants to cook her family ate together like it's just he doesn't want to do it I mean it sounds like she's convinced him to do it two days a week but she feels like she's forced him into it like maybe you guys are making progress and maybe it's just been some shifts that he wasn't brought up this certain type of way and he's gonna come around and in which case like I root for them but if not this might not be your person like I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't like if it means a lot to you to cook and have your partner enjoy it you want to find a partner that enjoys it is he offering to order food for her is it like babe I got this I'm so rich like I will I'll take care of the sushi tonight like it's not how I want to live my body doesn't feel good when I ever take out every day but like right also people that can't cook I just how did it happen so I made that note too I mean they're in their 20s okay but okay if someone says something like that I can't I've never heard of it I've never heard of it I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life I would want to know what else they're incapable of doing like can they clean their room like can they can they manage a checkbook how old am I do they understand how to how to handle their fucking manager checkbook I'm saying like are they self-sufficient in other areas because cooking it's not for everybody I mean we know men that don't cook we know women that don't cook it's not even gender specific like but I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life like you've never made it made eggs or made a sandwich and like okay but are you doing other things like I've never cooked a meal for myself in my life like you've never made eggs like are you admitting that your mom still picks up after you and buys you underwear like I'm I have more questions and I understand that she's you're young and you can think that's endearing you're like okay well I'm gonna come along and do this but just make sure when someone admits that to you they've never made themselves food what else can't they do for themselves I'm trying to understand like the full picture of this person like outside of like this is a trust fund kid that had staff in the home and does not know how to cook or clean like truly had this habit I don't understand like the and yes if you can't cook a meal for yourself I'm pretty sure you can't do other stuff I couldn't could never it's such an ick to me like I only want a guy that can cook and or is excited trying to learn like it's hot I mean just the men in my life cook I mean my dad my brother Rob obviously my husband my exes were excited about I'd love a man in the house I don't know what to do I'm just kidding that's what you guys do dick hanging out the bottom I just I'm so curious like what this person's like because I think about people that are so rich they don't have to cook but like I don't know they're so successful they've like got it in every other area they'll just take care of it I mean how did this happen yeah it's fascinating and I'd love to see what happens with this couple they're in their 20s and they're not married they can break up it's no biggie you know what I love that our advice always is like if you don't have dinner together then you should break up there was another right we had like another email about this kind of recently die on this hill what are you doing she said he didn't want to like explore new kinds of food and we were like break up yeah she touched base she said all other things were great maybe he just wanted like chicken fingers for every meal he wasn't like adventurous yes she touched base it's me the woman with the anti-foodie terrible cook boyfriend yeah he wouldn't cook and he didn't want to go to dinner either oh it was like all the things remember he just like wasn't into it yeah he okay well while we're here so she said he is a wonderful partner in so many ways he makes me laugh he supports my career he does most of the non-food chores he makes me feel like a queen in bed since I first wrote in I did try to be mature and talked about how unhappy I was with our food situation but we didn't really land on a solution we've kind of settled into doing our own thing at dinner I ordered a meal kit subscription but he was skeptical about the cost we'll see how it pans out honestly I'm in a weird in between phase of life so it's not exactly the moment for big relationship moves but I appreciate your how your advice is always both hilarious and nuanced thank you again and Ashley I can't wait to watch your special okay girl no okay so yeah they're gonna break up too I mean we're just like if you don't want to do the same stuff food wise we think you should break up that dinner I mean again like it's just one of those things of like if whatever works for you do it if you like it I love it I want to be in a relationship where we have dinner it's like we talk about our day we cook together we order something also if you were ordering takeout for every meal like how do you feel like it's just this has nothing to do with like shaming or weight or anything it's just how you feel it's just what it is I mean I guess if you do order sweet green or goop kitchen every night that's a different thing but real restaurant food it's just heavier more salt more butter more oils all the things like with the way I feel when we order food verse make it I mean it's a world of difference this is the coldest take but we do cook always two nights usually three nights a week we cook and sometimes more if we're in town all seven nights I would say we cook three to four nights go out always at least once a week we went out two nights this past week Friday and Saturday night and order take out once or twice like that's the breakdown if we're home we cook three at least I mean actually I just I need to be aligned with how you feel about food and if you don't care about food I need you to at least be excited for me to show you about food yeah it's what I do with all my free time and all my money I want to travel to food I want to drive to food destinations like I want to cook I just people they're just like not for me I'm like well you're not for me yeah and I just think with all these things I mean there's lifestyle which a lot of these things are again indicative of the way they want to live their life and finances and how they think about money and spend money and save money and that is all stuff you have to figure out before you marry someone and that's what they're in the middle of doing that's why they're writing into the cut with like here's what I got going on clip it yeah yeah all right good luck to them well just gonna talk about our partners and then we will get into the topic okay so summer is coming up and if you're thinking like I want to plan a trip I don't know what my budget is and I want like a good tool for that the one thing that I could totally suggest that you do is rocket money so rocket money is truly like a one-stop shop that'll help you budget and you can do a lot of things and you can do a lot of things and you can do a lot of things budget it'll also have help you track your subscriptions and they have 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So this topic comes to you today from an email we got that really coincided with an article that dropped around the same time in surprise, surprise, the cut. Everything we do is like based on an article. My, I, so I said to like our publicist, I was like, all I want is a mention of my, in the cut. Like that's my North star. I just, you know, at the back of the magazine, it says like things to do and there's hundreds of things in there. I was like, please do Raina Greenberg. Honestly, I'd take it a hundred percent. It's just, I love the cut so much. Yeah. This is your plug for the cut, your weekly plug for the cut. So we received an email that was subject line, happily married, but still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? And we'll get to that. But the cuts article was titled the secret to a great marriage crushes on other people. And this isn't like they're the first media outlet to talk about this. I think this is like a discussion. A lot of people have, and like what constitutes a crush and what constitutes harmless and not harmless. Yeah. And like, we don't get into a relationship or get married and stop looking at other people. I mean, some people might, but we just want to discuss this. And we put up polls for you guys on Instagram and over 20,000 people participated in this. So great data here. I think that everybody really has feelings about this, about their own behavior and their partner's behavior. And as this has happened, I mean, I think we get in a relationship, as you say, and you don't lose your eyes and your ears. I still have a pussy. And you don't lose your desire to still feel desirable to other people. And I think that your partner can be everything in the world to you and you can be super in love and happy. And you still want some people to take notice some of the time. And you're like, I trust myself to not let this go any further, but it's nice to feel desired by others. Well, there's feeling desired by other people. And there's like you desiring other people. I mean, what's, what do you define as a crush? And as we go into this, we understand people don't have monogamous relationships. Let's just get ahead of it. People are like, wow, you can, you know, like this is for people in monogamous relationships. I mean, people have crushes and they act on them within an open or a non-monogamous relationship. So I think obviously that goes without saying. Yeah. I think this is most people. I mean, I was saying to you, I used to do these things. I wish I did them more of like confess your sins to me, confess your secrets to me. And I mean, 50% of them were like, I had a dream about somebody at my work. I can't stop thinking about somebody at my work or my boss. It's always somebody at work, but like, it's so common. I mean, what the differential, your desires and your actions are different things and we're not animals and you should be able to stop yourself. Well, what, what are your desires and where are they coming from and how deep do they run? And you know, fantasizing about someone. In what way? And we'll break down all of this. I mean, I don't know if it's, if I would say it's like a sensitive topic to me. Like I don't, I mean, Shashank and I are obsessed with each other. I would die if I thought he had actual feelings for someone else and vice versa. Like it'd be like my heart hurts even thinking about it. Like if I actually thought he was flirting and having a connection with someone at work, I would lose my mind. I mean, I'll say that. And I will also say, I'm not certainly enough to fantasize about anyone else or there's nothing, I'm not necessarily enough to fantasize about anyone else or there's nothing, I'm not necessarily enough to fantasize about anyone else or there's nothing, I'm not necessarily enough to fantasize about anyone else or there's nothing, I'm not necessarily enough to fantasize about anyone else. I love him. I only have eyes for him. We have been together three years. We've been married under one year. So there is that, you know, someone might hear me talk like this and be like, wait 10 years, you know, and I hope we still feel like this obviously in 10 years and 20 years. So I just want to say that. I do think that there's a lot of people that like have kids and they stop seeing each other romantically. There's a lot of couples that just become roommates. And I mean, how often do you hear somebody say like, I wandered outside of my relationship because like no one's seen me my partner doesn't see me. They don't desire me. They treat me like their maid or their therapist or their mom, their friend, but like certainly not their romantic partner. And I think that's the dream is forever. You always feel like that. But I think for so many people, that is the story of like, I don't know, I get home and we watch TV and we go to sleep and I don't feel desired by this person. Right. And have you talked about that with them? Like, have you communicated that with them? I mean, today's not really a cheating episode, but you can't talk about this without it coming up. But if you have expressed these things to your partner and over and over and you've tried and you've worked on it and nothing changes, it makes sense why you're looking for it somewhere else. Yeah. I mean, we're only human and I think we all want to feel good about ourselves and like somebody else is proud of us and finds us attractive and feels that we're exciting. And I think so many people, especially when they have kids, like your partner just sees you as a mom and you're like, Hey, I'm still a person here. I still want to feel like you see me as like a fuck doll too. A hundred percent. The fuck doll. Yeah. And we, you mentioned like the people at work and I just want to get ahead of this. We did a whole episode on the work wife. I looked this up to site. It was in April 14th, 2024 titled, should you worry about the work wife and other platonic friends? And this shit is so real. And so we're not really even talking about that today. Like someone that you really have that like connection or relationship with, like, which we, we don't, we don't like it. And we've made that clear. So we will get into the polls and everything that you guys said, but you know, one of the biggest questions was where's the line. And overwhelmingly people said, it's somebody you don't have a connection with. It's somebody that is a huge celebrity. It's maybe a waitress at a restaurant. You go once to our barista, you kind of floor with somebody at the grocery store. Like the line is like, are we moving this relationship forward? Are we talking, are you doing something you can't admit to your partner? Are you taking this offline? Are you texting? Are you like, you're getting ahead of it. I would have referenced it once on the article really quick. I will also say that I was my husband's celeb crush and he didn't marry me. I knew this was going to come up. So you should be scared of celebrities too. I'm not a celebrity. Matt Damon, didn't he marry his waitress? He didn't cheat on his wife with his waitress or anything like that. But yeah, I mean, a lot of people were like, I mean, I think to your point, work wife, that is when it's not harmless and it doesn't feel harmless. It feels that it's crossed a line. Well, so I, that's why I want to kind of start the article. I'm not going to read all word for word, but the, the author EJ Dixon. So she says that my last job, I had a crush on a coworker named Phil. His name has been changed. Yeah. She talks about Phil. I did not. And do not know Phil. Well, by the time we stopped working together, we'd maybe exchanged 40 words in total, the vast majority, which were about Steely Dan. But my husband to whom I have been married to almost 10 years, heard about him every once in a while. Occasionally when I got home from work, he'd ask if my office crush was in that day. Once I was putting some lip tint on a mascara before a zoom meeting. And he asked if it was because Phil was on the call. So she says my husband are happily monogamous. We have children. He harbors his own little crushes too. And she says the whole point of having a crush is that it causes a little frission of nervous energy. One that tends to dissipate when you're in a long-term relationship, a crush while you're married is like a sweet little snack that gets you through the 4 PM sunk. My friend Cara 35 told me her friend has been married four years. She is, she has a crush on a New York times critic whom she's met a few times through friends. It's harmless and invigorating. It reminds you you're alive and kicking. And you're earning and thinking her husband doesn't mind as is the case in my relationship. It serves as fodder for a couple inside jokes. So the article then goes on to talk about extramarital crushes that also can rejuvenate your sex life. And maybe a little deeper where you're talking about it during sex. And some people are super into that and that's fine too. But she's mainly just talking about this crush on this work guy that I, I, I really hung on to. They've exchanged 40 words. Like they are not, they don't have a relationship. They are not texting. They're not texting. They don't have each other's phone numbers. They're not messaging on Instagram. I feel like, and that is actually harmless. And I was thinking about myself, like if I have a crush and I, your barista. Oh, you do know the barista from like a couple, a year or so ago, he has a crush on you. He had a crush on me. And do we ever talk about this? Yeah, we did on the show. He was flirting with me and my, I was, Sean was on the phone. Yeah. No, I didn't have a crush on him. My crush is the farmer's market guy. The pasta guy. He's hot. That guy is too hot for me to fart. farmer's market. So like, it's funny. Cause I don't even know his name and Shashank will joke about it. He's like, Oh, you're not wearing your ring today. Cause you're going to, the pasta guy is going to be there. Like we see him. Shashank rolls his eyes. He goes and gets our coffee. When we get to the farmer's market every Saturday, he overhears me giggling. Like it's funny. I don't get excited to see him. I don't even think about him until he's right in front of me. I don't dress differently. I don't need to defend this, but I'm just, that's the harmless, like I can be a little flirty and smiley with this beautiful man selling pasta. And he's not messaging me asking me how I like the pasta. Then we've crossed a line and Shashank can laugh about it. I was thinking about like you and I've toured for a decade and we've worked with hundreds of vendors between like dancers and cryo people and videographers, photographers, venue managers, the security, who I did fuck, but a date for years. But like, that's the kind of person I think like you meet at work that's like harmless. And there's so many people we meet. They're like good looking men. And I might like, he, but like, I'm never going to talk to them again. I know that I can be trusted in a relationship to not like move that forward. And I had this like experience, this guy at a years ago, I met him at a comedy club. He was also a comedian and we had like a fun night together. We flirted and I went home and he mentioned while we were talking that he had a girlfriend. And I was like, that's the end of that. There'll be no, and he DM'd me at midnight, something that we had like been talking about. And I was like, you crossed the line. You crossed, if that was my man, I wouldn't like this shit. Wait. Yeah. There was a venue guy that messaged me. Remember that? I was single. He wasn't. Multiple people that did. No, the guy in New Orleans, the guy in New Orleans, we were both single. You want to date with him? We went out, but the, I don't know, he was showing me those pictures of him in drag. And like, I don't know, it wasn't hitting. Cause you know, I am attracted to drag queens, but it didn't work for him. I just was like, I don't know. You're wearing like Spanx and like high heels and that's fine. It just didn't hit the same. You couldn't pull it off. But no, there was another guy that like was messaging me and it was flirty and he had a wife and I just was like, felt uncomfortable. I think that like, if you're doing something that you wouldn't tell your wife about, which is DMing me off like out of office hours. Yeah. And I mean, I don't know if I'd call myself a flirt. I think I'm friendly. I laugh a lot. My mom is a natural flirt. We've talked about this. I mean, just at dinner, like she's a flirty. My dad just used to sit there and roll his eyes. We'd be at dinner and my mom, I would, she'd stick her chest out. She points to something on the menu. She's so flirty. Like I remember, I remember she had a guy friend, like there was a teacher at her school and just, it was flirty with him. Like she's just flirty. And my dad is not flirty. And I love that about my husband as well. Shashank's not a flirty guy. Your dad flirts with me. Like he only flirts, he only has eyes for Reina. Like Shashank is straight faced, blackhead energy. We always say about Shashank, he would be insulted if someone thought it was an opportunity. If someone knew that we were married and they had the audacity to flirt with him, he would probably insult them. He would be so deeply offended on behalf of our marriage. Like guys can be flirty and it's harmless, but like there's, there's a difference here. And we'll talk about the difference today between men and women. Yeah. I trust me. I don't trust you. Well, I think that the intention matters for sure. Like typically women cheat because they are missing something in their relationship and men cheat because they can. And I even looked this up. I just did a little overview of the research that indicates that while both men and women often cheat due to underlying relationship dissatisfaction, their primary motivations frequently differ. Men tend to report cheating for physical gratification, sexual novelty, or opportunity. Well, literally just because they can, whereas women are more likely to cite emotional dissatisfaction, neglect, or desire to fill an emotional void as the reason for cheating. And you know, even men with a crush can hit different. Like there's a few comments under the article that stuck out to me. And this one woman said, as I read this, I kept thinking, ah, yes, this is the kind of harmless crushes my married female friends have. That's not the kind of crushes my married male friends have. The article lays out the conditions under which a crush can be harmless and even positive for a relationship. I'm just not so sure that both parties are equally capable of having crushes under those conditions. And there was a response to that comment that said, having unfortunately been the target of several married men's harmless crushes over the years, I can confirm that you're right. It feels like leering and ogling and just a gross vibe. And it's incredibly creepy and uncomfortable. It also happened to me at work, which had a huge negative impact on my mental health and affected my job because he was an older man in a more senior role. I mean, this is not all men. Of course, men can have a harmless crush, but it does hit different. I don't think. Men who have women at work who have a little crush on them ever feel threatened. It's creepy. And like, I don't think men like keep it in the box. I think that women are like, he's cutie. Like men do like, not all men, but it just hits different. It just does. I'm sorry. So yeah, I'm trying to think of situations in my own marriage that like, I think it would be somebody who's so unattainable in some way or another that like, of course, I don't mind if Shashank thinks. She's pretty or if it's like someone that he deals with a lot of people at work, like some older lady who comes in and flirts with him, he tells me about that, obviously. And I'm not bothered by it. And I think he gets hit on a lot. Also, the thing about him that's interesting, I saw this TikTok randomly come across my desk and it said like, beware of men that don't like themselves. Because like, any way to fill that void to feel validated, like, I guess that's all people. But I think that traditionally, men and women have different responses to self-hatred. And I don't know a lot of girlfriends. It's just personal experience. I don't have girlfriends that experience self-hatred and insecurity that fuck their way out of it with other people outside of their relationship. But I do see that with a lot of men in my life that I know and have known and don't even know. It's so true. Like, it doesn't feel like a female characteristic. I mean, yeah. And there's exceptions to every rule, but you're totally right. I mean, a lot of men truly cheat because of out of insecurity. I asked that, like, I lived with my first boyfriend. I was so young. But he just cheated on me with everybody just for fun. He hated himself. Opportunity. And it was just fun. Yeah, they were around. They were there. He was a restaurant manager. He just fucked his staff, fucked my friends, fucked the guests. So I think, like, one of the primary themes of this article is, like, could this help your relationship? And I think most people's primary feeling is, like, how far is too far? Where's the line? When does it stop being harmless? Yeah, I mean, I was interested in the comments. There's not too, too many. But some people don't like this, of course. And some people feel like a crush. There's always something deeper. And then some people are like, this sounds like a very healthy marriage. And there's no lines being crossed. And she's just getting a little excited every once in a while in this long-term relationship about someone else. And it doesn't sound like it bothers her husband. Like, it sounds, I mean, I haven't interviewed him as well, but it sounds like this is pretty normal, fine. They're both in on it. They're like, they're respecting each other's boundaries. Not everybody would like this. Some people would be like, why are you telling me about this? I don't need to hear this. I know. It's interesting, though. It's like, we do still find people attractive. Most of us in relationships, I guess some people get married and turn it off. But I don't think that's what the average person does. And it's sometimes funny because I know I have a good relationship and a friendship with Shashank because sometimes I almost tell him, like, isn't that guy hot? Like, I'll start to say something. I'm like, oh, my God, he's my husband. He's not just my girly. He's not my, like, friend. You know, you almost want to tell him, like, look at that guy. And you're like, he's like, could you not? Look at me. So based on, again, 20,000 responses, have you ever had a crush while in a committed relationship? 73% of people said yes. So this seems like this is healthy and normal. It happens to a lot of people. And then we said, do you think that having a crush on someone else is normal in a long-term relationship? So totally normal, 24% of people. Sometimes it depends, 56%. So the majority of people. And no, it means something's wrong is 21% of people. I guess it could mean a number of things. It could mean something is wrong. It could just mean that you're a person with eyes and ears, and I find other people attractive sometimes. Those percentages are interesting because we have this, like, 20-ish percent of people who said they have never had a crush while in a committed relationship and that it is not normal. And then the other people are 73% who have had a crush while in a committed relationship. 56% of them say sometimes it depends if it's normal, and some people said totally normal. So, I mean, that kind of fits. Like, people are like, yeah, I have, and yeah, this is normal. So it depends. If your partner had a crush, would you want to know? 19% of respondents said yes, full transparency. 45% of the majority said it depends on the situation. And 36% said no, I'd rather not know. And again, this is not your partner coming home and telling you they have a crush on someone at work. Again, like, I just think the farmer's market example is what I picture of, like, Shashank notices this hot guy is at the farmer's market every other week, and I've talked to him, and it's so obvious that any woman would be like, oh, you know, like, I think of some men that are just so attractive, so big, whatever it is, a Harry Jowsey, a Tyler Cameron. Like, I was in a relationship both times we interviewed them, and I was like, am I flirting? I don't know. Like, when Harry, like, touched my leg, I'm like, is this allowed? Like, sometimes it's just you can't help yourself. Like, I think there's some, if Kendall Jenner, like, walked in the room, His jaw would drop. - I think it's like, is this a person you engage with Every day or not. Like that's the line for me. That's the line for most people. Like is this somebody you see at the farmer's market or the coffee shop or the person checks you out at Erewhon? Fine. Also like if this is somebody that you see every day, why are you telling me about this? Well, that's the thing. Like once your partner tells you about somebody, that's no more harmless crutch. Like you're leaving your job for me. You're dropping a hint. I just have to wonder what the motivation is. If this is somebody you have access to, that you engage with on a daily basis, that you are having interactions that like maybe on the surface look normal, but like I wouldn't be comfortable with. Like why are you telling me about this? I know. So then we asked what do you think a crush usually signals? And 22% of people said missing something in your relationship. 52% said just human nature. 18% said boredom or routine. And 8% said nothing. It's random. And I like this. I mean all of this research really lines up. Like 20% of people don't align with any of this. And the rest are like it's normal and fine. I don't know that it always signals there's something. I've had crushes on people when I was in good relationships and bad relationships. They were for different reasons. So I've sought out the attention of other men when I was flailing in my relationship for a reason. And there's been other times where nothing was wrong in my relationship. Something just caught my eye. It was sparkly. Well, right. The boredom and the routine. Would you be okay with your partner having a work crush? 6% say yes. 50% say no. 58% say no way. And 36% say as long as it's light. And that's, I don't know. It depends on how people interpreted that. Because again, when we get into this like co-worker, work wife, you have a relationship with this person and you have a crush on them, that's deeper. And it's not harmless anymore. What's going on with the 6%? A work crush? You're good with it? But again, people are just in different types of relationships. I mean there's people who are in non-monogamous relationships and in open relationships. And so people just view monogamy differently. Does outside attention crush? Does energy help keep a relationship feeling alive? 15% say yes. It's a confidence boost. 69% said no. That's a slippery slope. This is interesting. This took a turn. I'm going to talk to you about this. And then 16% say no. It actually hurts relationships. The disparity is interesting to me because you have 73% of people saying, yeah, I've had a crush all the time in my relationship. And a lot of people being like, it doesn't really matter. It's no big deal. It's just human nature. But 69% of people being like, I wouldn't like it if it was them. So we talked about this with Esther Perel on our show. And I was trying to remember what it was called. And it's called. The actor-observer bias. And so this is the way that you view the things that you do and the things that other people do. And it's typically applied to insidious behavior like cheating. And basically when you do a thing, you observe it based on circumstances and context. When you see somebody else do a thing, you observe it based on their character. So when somebody else cheats, they're a bad person. It is black and white. When you cheat or you do something, you look at it as like, well, I wasn't getting the type of love I wanted in my relationship. I'm not being validated. You don't. You look at it as a character flaw in somebody else. You look at it very contextually through what you do. So you have like a real bias in a situation. I was unhappy. It was complicated. There were reasons. And somebody else does it. They're selfish. They have no impulse control. And it's a fundamental attribution error. Meaning the more general the version, our tendency to overemphasize personality and underemphasize circumstances. So for me, it was circumstances. For you, it was your personality. And I think that so many people are like, yeah, when I did it, it was fine. When you do it, it's not fine. But it goes back to the conversation to me of like, well, I know that I can control myself. And I don't know necessarily if you can control yourself. Yeah, totally. And again, it's not fair to act like that in your relationship. You should give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Liz Moody talks about best intentions. Like think your partner is the best intentions as opposed to the worst. If you. I'm getting this all wrong. Sorry, Liz. But healthy relationships, you want to think your partner is the best intentions, essentially. And I do think part of being a good partner, friend, family member is always putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So you should think, well, I can have a little crush. And so my partner can too. And that's like quite the opposite of what you said that a lot of people do. Yeah, I think that that's normal. I think it's normal to give yourself more grace than anybody else. I think it's normal to be like, oh, I'm in my head and I understand why I did this. But like when you do it, bad. And I do think we're all human in this. And if it happens for me, why wouldn't it happen for other people? I mean, to the initial article's point, like it does just kind of make it a little more fun to go to work. You just like get a little more dressed up than you would. But like I'm saying that as somebody not in a relationship currently and somebody who's felt like that. But like I have fucked my coworkers a lot. See? No one should give you the baton for the doubt. I know. How tall were they? I guess it just depends on like where you're at in your own relationship. I do think it can like. Add to the thrill of going to work or going to a coffee shop or like when I go to everyone and that guy's there checking me out. I'm so excited. I don't like the work. Work just feels different. It does feel different. Are you working with them side by side or I don't know. Like I keep thinking of Phil. 40 words exchanged between the two of them. Maybe he was a different department. Like whatever they had going on. Like that's the goal. Or literally the barista. Like that's the type of energy I want. Or someone you'll never meet in real life. Barista came up so much. When we asked people to find a harmless barista came up over and over. Celebrities. But Shashank did marry his celebrity crush. Liking somebody's stuff on social media. Somebody really from afar. I mean you just have. People feel like you can't have proximity to the person. Okay. So this is. Did you say this is what we asked? How do you define a harmless crush? Yeah. Okay. I think. Who knows what happens. She's all over the place. It's a little late in the day for Reina. Reina's sundowning. I'm climbing the wall. She's climbing the wall. Yeah. So how do you define harmless? Harmless crush. Like no action taken whatsoever. Yes. Yeah. I don't. You don't need to be engaging with that person on social media. Liking their Instagram stories. Any communication you can't share in front of my face. Yep. I don't like it. So Reina got ahead of herself. But anyway the next question is when does a harmless crush cross the line? We love these answers. As always we just love when you guys weigh in on this stuff. And the top answer came up a lot. It was as soon as you're doing something you need to hide or you can't share. Where. And someone also wrote. Anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner. Yeah. That's my line. When I talk to the farmer's market guy Shashank is 10 feet away. He can hear me giggling. He can hear me cha-ching spending more money when that guy's there. I always get two pastas and two sauces when he's running the table. They don't send that guy to the Brentwood farmer's market. He is at the Venice one. He's at ours like. I mean I said every other week but honestly it's like once a month. Best week of the month. Okay. Okay. More on the. The Harmless Crush. Cross the line. You have private interactions you enjoy a little too much. When you're communicating every day. Opening up emotionally. Someone you see on a daily basis. I mean I don't know. You might go to the coffee shop every day. Confiding in someone. Yeah. You have a relationship now. You utter one word about our relationship to somebody else. Well this is. Now we're getting into an emotional cheating territory potentially. I had a very casual sexual relationship with somebody recently. He told me. He told one of his. Girlfriends about something that went on between us. I was like. Come again? You're talking about. You're combining it with somebody else. I don't like this. Don't talk to her. Talk to me. You're having sex with me. You don't need to talk to other women. You talk to me. Is she your therapist? No. I feel like. I don't know what happened. You were so eloquent like five minutes ago. Doing that whole Esther Perel thing. I was like wow this is. Well I wrote that down. Beautiful. And now you're making no sense. You've. You're like I was casual. Casually fucking someone. And the audacity of him to talk to other women. About me. Okay. About a fight that we had. Okay. He was like I asked a female friend of mine about this situation. I was like don't talk to other girls. Yeah. You need to talk to Ashley. That's it. That's so true. You talk to Ashley about me. The second you start interacting privately. Text, social, one-on-one. This is the answer. I'm just so glad. I mean our audience is brilliant. Obviously like they nailed this. That's what it is. That's how you know. That's the line. Every time I talk to a guy and I get a DM from. I'm like gotcha. We will let this go as far as I will let this go. Yeah. Liking stories. Exchanging contact information. Texting at odd hours. Someone is trying to get to know you better. I love that. Yes. If that farmer's market guy slid into the DMs. Oh glad you like the pasta. Get out of here. He probably has your shop pay information. If you use your. He's going to show up at the house. He's like I heard the podcast. And obviously. Honestly we're meant to be together. Anything outside of something that just lives in your head. That's so funny. Crushes are just supposed to live in your head. Exactly. Like an imaginary friend. And then engaging in any way. I mean again this is the line. Harmless crushes are just pure fantasy. 40 words or less. 40 words or less. Okay so let's read this email. This is a little different. Okay. And I'm curious what you think about this. So again the subject. The subject line was happily married but I still fantasize about others. Is that fucked up? She says hi I'm happily married and have been for 5 plus years together for 10. Okay long term relationship. My husband is an incredible man who I feel lucky to be married to. We have a beautiful supportive relationship and I'm still very attracted to him. We have a decent sex life working on having sex more frequently but love it every time. This is great. No kids yet. However I've had a few. All good stuff. No notes so far. However I've had a few crushes on various people over the years. I've never cheated as I want to stay married to my husband and love him too much to hurt him in that way. And all of my crushes have been innocent while the other person probably not even knowing. But occasionally I'll end up fantasizing about them to get off and my most recent crush has me wanting to pick up. up extra shifts at work and plan group gatherings just to see him more. We get along great as friends and are both respectful of boundaries and have never crossed the line, but I think in another life I would date him, which makes being friends feel possibly inappropriate. Also, should he start to cross boundaries? I'm not sure I'd be strong enough in the moment not to at least kiss him, though I don't think I'd let it go any further than that. Sis, is this type of thing normal? Am I fucked up and should I see a therapist about it? Thanks for the help. Curious to hear your thoughts. Love you, ladies. Signed, Anonymous. People are triggered. I can feel the collective energy two weeks from now. I mean, listen, you've been together with somebody for 10 years, you know, like it sounds like you guys have a great relationship, but to our point very early on, that doesn't mean you no longer have like eyes and ears. And I don't know, everybody can have their own boundary. Like, do I think it's so crazy to masturbate about somebody? No. I mean, people watch porn and masturbate and you can fantasize about whatever you want. It's up to you how far you're going to take this. You're saying like, I don't know that I would stop him if he made a move. I don't know that you're fucked up, but like, are you missing something in your life? Is this just fun? Are you just, are you missing something in your life? Are you just looking like, I cheated one time on a partner. That's the only time I've ever cheated on anybody and something was, it actually, I just, I was looking for some like novelty in my life. It's not fair. It's just not. And I would never do it again. It was really young, but it didn't put the bandaid over what I was really looking for, which is I was sort of unfulfilled in my own life. I was a little unfulfilled in the relationship, but I was still very attracted to him and I wanted to be with him for a long time. It felt like it almost had nothing to do with him, but like doing that solve the problems that I was experiencing in my life. But I was sort of in this area where I was like, if he made a move, I wouldn't stop him. And I wouldn't call myself totally fucked up, but it was maybe just a symptom of feeling unfulfilled either in my own life or in my relationship. Yeah. This is just so tricky because like, what are you, what's she supposed to do? She's supposed to not cheat on her husband. I've read this about my spouse that would crush me, by the way, you know, but like, what's the answer here? Like, I don't know. She's telling us she has a great marriage. The one thing that I did flag was working on having sex more frequently. So maybe she's a little dissatisfied, even just to say working on something that I'm clearly not, it's not 10 out of 10. Would that change it? Like she's doing a little much with this crush with the masturbating. He's on your mind a lot. You want to see him more. Like how far are you going to take this sis? I mean, that's for you to decide. I don't know that a therapist could help. Sure. Like maybe figure out what's going on here. I need much more information to diagnose it. But I don't know. I can only, I only have the information she's telling us. Like after 10 years, I have not been in a 10 year relationship. I can't speak on it. So this is probably super normal. But when you are admitting to us and you're putting in writing, like I might kiss this guy, then that's going to snowball. If you really feel like you might cross the line, I might suggest, it sounds like so crass, but like, I might suggest stop masturbating to him because psychologically your, your mind actually doesn't know the difference between fantasy reality. And you're actually like spending more time with this person in your mind and you're creating these scenarios in your brain that like your brain says like this person made me come a lot. And yeah, I, it's hard to be like, stop masturbating to this person. I mean, you're alone with your thoughts. You could do what you want, but like, I do think that would help a little bit. Yeah. And, and this is not to say that masturbating to someone other than your partner is wrong either, but it's the frequency thing. Yeah. And also you're around this, like, I understand you being like, I might kiss him. Yeah. You're having orgasms to the thought of him. Yeah. She's like romanticizing him more in her, her, her mind, probably even idolizing someone he may not even really be in her own mind. Like literally has made him a fantasy. I don't know. It's, it's hard. And you and I've never been in a 10 year long relationship. Like, is this just like a healthy way to keep your, yourself feeling a little bit alive? Maybe. If you really don't want to cheat on your partner and you really want to keep this marriage healthy and work on it, cut back on the stuff with this that's not who you're supposed to be with or you'd be with him or explore issues you might have in your marriage. I mean, it could be part of a bigger problem. And again, like I even liked that she brought up seeing a therapist for sure. I think a therapist would, would help figure out what's going on. I think in a really, in a long-term relationship, we see somebody outside of the relationship and it's very easy to project magical qualities onto somebody that don't really exist. So like that guy, you don't feel monotony with him. You feel the thrill and the energy that we all want to crave at the beginning of a relationship. You're not, you're never going to get that again with your husband. You've been with him for 10 years. So like you might be projecting a lot of qualities onto this person that don't even exist. You're just like, you want him so bad for the thrill of it. But like that might not even exist in this person. It would be different if she was like, I have feelings for this person. I mean, she sounds like you want to fuck him. I think in another life I would date him. Sure. In another life, I think a lot of married people would date a lot of other married people, but like in another life, would you be in love with him? Would this be a good partner? Is this, are you willing to blow up your marriage for this? Yeah. And the focus on your marriage. I mean, is there things in your 10 year long relationship, which is a long relationship that you can do to make it more exciting? I don't know what their sex life is like aside from her wanting to have it more frequently, but she says she loves it every time they do. You know, is there stuff you can do in the bedroom? Is there some quality that this guy at work has that your husband doesn't? Like, what is it? Like, are you feeling kind of stagnant? I mean, like we talked about up top, you know, is this kind of like you've gotten really comfortable and you're having takeout every night on the couch together, watching TV, like has your relationship gotten too routine and quote unquote boring where you can do something there? I just don't know what's going on. Like they might be like traveling and doing adventures every weekend and that's not the case at all. But if it is kind of something that's not exciting, can you make it more exciting? So like if you're craving novelty, yeah. Can you create novelty within your relationship? Yeah. Buy some costumes, buy some sex toys. I mean, yeah. So we appreciate her writing in. We always appreciate you guys sharing with me. And this is like a judgment free, free space, but we're going to be honest with like our initial, our thoughts on it. And just in general, like fantasizing about people. I don't know. You said that someone asked, like, I had a dream about somebody. Does this mean something's wrong with my relationship? I was like, grow up. Like I had a dream. I was dating someone a couple of weeks ago. I also had a dream. I fell off a cliff in a car. I have dreams. My teeth are falling out. I don't want these things to happen. I guess. Sure. It could. But to me, that has no correlation to your relationship that you had a dream about someone else. People, I think, add a lot of weight to dreams. I just don't. Like, what does your subconscious really want? Well, I don't know. What does your conscious want? Like you can have a dream about your ex. You can have a dream about your boss. You have dreams about stuff to your point all the time that can't happen, wouldn't happen. And also like I have free will and I'm not an animal. So if I have a dream about somebody I used to sleep with and that turns me on, that's okay too. I don't have to text them when I wake up. Right. It's fine. Yeah, exactly. It'll go away. You'll stop thinking about it. When you wake up, it'll feel fresh. And then it just won't. By the end of the day, you won't even remember that happened. But yeah, I mean, masturbating to the thought of somebody else, like it's this interesting thing. Cause it's like, we can tell you, okay, you are masturbating to your crush once a week. I mean, I don't think I would recommend it because again, it's like, you're having an orgasm. You're thinking about them. It's like, you're spending time with them. And someone could be like, what you're going to tell me what I can think about. That's up for you to decide. I mean, yeah, you wrote the email. Do I think it's so easy to stop masturbating to something fun and novelty? No. You're like, I keep thinking about the barista when I'm masturbating. And it's like, it feels weird for me to tell you to stop, but what is it doing psychologically? Like our thoughts do manifest into actions. It creates more like limerence and just like hanging on to this thing. Like you're creating more meaning to it. You're adding more meaning to it. And your brain doesn't realize the difference between those things. And so you're just like, it, now this person has just given you orgasms. And I wonder about the length of a crush. Cause to me, when we really talk about harmless, it feels like it should be short lived. Like you don't think about it. Well, I don't know. I'm just like, do you have a crush on the barista for three years? Like, should you go to another coffee shop? Like I'm saying, like if it truly just stays in that harmless from afar, the relationship never progresses in three years. That's one thing, but having a crush for a long time, like just, maybe go to a different farmer's market, get your pasta somewhere else. It's crazy to have a crush on somebody for three years. Like just move on. There'll be a point where I'm like, I don't have a crush on the farmer's market guy anymore. I have a crush on another guy at the farmer's market. Yeah, obviously. Like I don't, the pasta guy is so 2008. Like it's the taco guy now. The fishmongers are usually pretty cute. Oh, our fish guy's so weird. They're all weird. He's an asshole. They're all weird and high as fuck, but. There's one guy there. Like he sells teas, never wearing shoes. And now he doesn't have a table anymore. He's sitting on the ground. It's really evolved over time because he's never worn shoes and he's always like, come try the tea. I'm like, I'm okay. I got, I'm a coffee girl. And then now there, he doesn't have a table anymore. And I feel like, I feel like that's a choice. I feel like that's a choice. Because do you think it costs extra? He has the space. He probably just doesn't want, he rents the area. He's sitting on the ground barefoot. He's like, I don't know. Like energetically, I just don't believe in tables right now. He's sitting on the ground barefoot, barking at people as they go by. The fish guy, so he had these salmon. Barking. Did you say barking? Well, like barking, like in the comedy. Free show tonight, free show tonight, free tea, free tea. The fish guy, he had these salmon patties for like three or four weeks in a row. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. His salmon has too many bones in it. Like I started to stop getting his actual salmon fillets. These patties were the best thing I've ever tasted. So then he stopped selling them and I would go every week and be like do you have the patties and he was like no oh i'm so sorry yes like i'm so stupid for asking hey do the patties this week no oh my bad i bought him the last three so i just assumed i could ask if you were selling a product like not reina he could say oh my god i'm so sorry those were like a limited time ran out totally and so finally one time i was like shashank can you go ask if he has the salmon patties you talk as your woman he was talking well i just was like i can't have him be mean to me again because he's not giving me any more information salmon patty girl again well i think he's like buy a filet you cheap bitch so she's the minced up trash shashank goes over there and he comes back and i was like what i was like did he dunk on you too he was like absolutely okay good i was worried he gave oh no no no no so we just finally stopped even going over there but what if they're in there i can't ask every i can't just ask every week i know you can't i can't wait in the line of the brentwood farmer's market because he takes three hours with every customer and he's just talking and i'm white knuckling it he's so high and i just i can't wait this long for my scallops my overpriced it's so we go every saturday it's one of my favorite parts of the week it's so crazy like the stories shashank and i make up about these people they are characters in our life like and the bands and the singer like there's live music every week like i just feel like this is such a fun part of our relationship is like these characters in our life every week and like what are they up to you didn't talk about the tea guy that's hilarious no more table what happened to the table how much does the table cost he's sitting on like a pillow right now like bohemian people they don't have furniture they live in a loft with like pillows on the floor they don't live in a parking lot like they go sell something it's like dusty so if you want if you want tea you have to reach to the ground isn't that crazy do you have to get on the ground he probably wants you to get on the ground hand it up to you i don't know right like is he gonna stand when you approach is he playing music no and you can't really it would be weird if people played music because there's live music i'm gonna get more information i'm gonna take a picture of guys watch youtube oh all right well i hope you guys enjoyed this topic again thank you as always for weighing in and sharing with us and being open and vulnerable and i think we think we covered it you know what constitutes as harmless and what doesn't and and as always we have the most people responding to our polls than any other podcast was we're the best in the whole world so we're the best audience in the world so thank you guys yeah so thank you guys girls gotta eat.com but not much going on over there so you can skip that one hit reina greenberg.com starting on the 14th for the tickets today you can look what the you can peruse yeah you can see where you want to go you can show you can load up the card window shop a little bit and then get your tickets on the 14th you can watch my special worldwide on youtube and on prime video just in the u.s and if you want to get all those links if you can't seem to find them i am ash hess on instagram and check out my link tree reina is reina greenberg on instagram and you guys can watch full video on spotify and youtube leave a comment weigh in let us know what you're thinking and subscribe share this episode with a like and leave a comment and we'll see you in the next one you guys have a great day and i'll see you next time feeling short on smiles does your frown need to be turned upside down we got the perfect dose of comedy 30 minutes of scrubs zach braff donald fayette and i'll see you next time on superman