281: Irreversible Icks.. Ft. Ashby

- Do you know what's funny? I looked up a list of vocabulary for this. - I want to sound smarter. And so I went six in the morning. I looked up like vocab to add to your vocab to be smarter. - What's your favorite word that you learned? - Dessert and discern, but it's a good one. - And my thing is I can only probably remember like two words, I will just use them to death. And I'm like, you learned a new word, didn't you? - That's me. - And I did. - And then I'll like try to learn a new word, and then I forget how to pronounce it, and then I just don't even-- - They're just using it wrong. I was like, do you know what that means? - No, no, I don't. Like I used infamous wrong for like my whole life. And I would have to like my mom bring a coworker over and I'm like, ah, the infamous Kelly. And she's like, what the fuck did I do? It's like, no, like I hear about you a lot. - I literally just saw, 'cause I was looking for an update from someone's post. And I was going through all their post history and they're really involved in this like R/English reading and like an English speaking subreddit for people that are trying to learn English. And it was like, what's one English word that you've been like pronouncing on the whole time? - Yeah. - And it was epitome. - Epitome? - Or epitome. - They were saying epitome. And I'm like, fuck, I think I've done that too. - No, I'm not even kidding, that's a story. My like senior English class in high school. It was like, vocab of the week or whatever. And everyone in the class thought it was epitome. And I was the only one that knew it was epitome. And I was like, am I wrong? - No, you're right. - Oh, I know that. - I just learned B-L-A-N-T-A-N-T. - Lately. - Yeah, I said blam. - You're kidding. (laughing) - Actually, I'm not that bad at having a girl. - No, this is great. - It's really bad over here. - No, where are you from? - Minnesota. - Yeah, you wanna go get on the boat? - On the boat? - One of a condition, maybe a coke? - Wait. - Yeah. - Why isn't she with us anymore? - She got bleed. - Right. - Can't even say big. - Oh. - It's bag. Can I get a bag? Gone. - Oh. - Morgan can't come to the phone right now. She's dead. - She's dead. - You killed her. - She got hot. - Oh, that's sad. - But okay, here we go. I'm so excited to have you today. Welcome back to the episode of Two Out Takes You Guys. I'm here with Morgan. And I've got Ashby in the house. - Hello. - Ashby Florence. - You have such an iconic one name. You're just a one-nameer now. - Ashby. - People say it looks like Zendaya. - I didn't see that. - Like a couple of people have said that. - I just, who was it the other day that was like, "Bull of Law" is the white version of "Bull of Law" and it was a black actor. And I was like, I so see it. - Is there a Larson? As Beyoncé? - Well, they don't look like, but like she is like-- - Was that what it was? 'Cause her vocals are crazy. - I just saw like a Britney Brosky clip too. And she was like Matt Damon and Josh Gad look alike. And I'm like-- - And they do. - They have the same case. - People really do. - When someone merged it and it went in and out in Opacity, I was like-- - Oh no. - Oh, it's Opacity. - Fuck. Can you just kind of tutor me? - Yeah. - I think you should be my new language teacher. - The blind leading the blind. Great idea. - No, you said discern properly. - Thank you. - You did a great job. Everyone's gonna be like, "God, Morgan, of course you bring this up on this episode because you're giving me the ick." And that's our vibe today. Irreversible icks. Like someone just icked you out so bad. And it's not an ick that can be temporary and you move along from. It's permanent. It is so locked in and ingrained that that's forever how you're gonna see that person. - Yeah. - Is your partner ever done anything ick with you? - Unfortunately, he's just the cutest thing ever. - Oh, you are. - And so even like, 'cause I know there's like a list of icks of like him standing waiting for like the shower to warm up. Like that is the cutest thing that he could do. Like what do you mean he's butt naked waiting for it to get warm? That's so cute. - I love a boy walking around butt naked. - Okay, well hold on. - There's someone else. - Okay, well that's not what I was saying. (laughing) - Let's get into that. - I don't know. - Like, why didn't they just kind of like awkwardly strutting? - Like a little pitter-patter, right? - Yeah, pitter-patter with their big feet. - Right, okay, yeah, that's from the monitor. - Okay, well that is one thing I don't like, thudding, like thudding around. - Oh, no. - 'Cause I was a quiet walker as a kid and I think that has to do with something. But I was like a tip-tower, you know? - Yeah. - It could be too loud on the creek. But he's a thudder and I can hear him coming from about three doors down. - Do you got house shoes for him? - Oh no, we're wide. We wear our outdoor shoes inside. I'm full, new balance, Nike, high-top converse in my bed. Yeah. Just a little bit of my culture. (laughs) - I'm scared. - 'Cause what, 'cause what? And that's the thing too. It's like, what, oh, my feet are gonna touch feet. I don't even care. I really don't care. - You are walking on so many poop particles all day. And but so what? I'm not licking my floors, right? It's like the same thing. Like whatever touches my butt is none of my problem. Like that's, I can't, if my butt touches someone else's butt, that's my butt's issue. Like I'm not gonna go kiss my butt. - Yeah, no. - It may be an issue for my partner, but I'm not saying like I can't, it's not, it's, okay, out of sight out of mind. - Okay, well, we're all just gonna move along past that. I know a lot of us are probably equally disturbed out how many are part at the gym wherever. - So let's get other people's eggs before we ourselves egg you out. - Yeah. - This is great. This is so great. And I just already know your energy is just gonna. - Oh, I'm glad. - Chef's kiss. Okay, let's dive in. (upbeat music) This first one for us, coming from our/relationships. Boyfriend of one month keeps telling me he loves me. 20 male, 20 female. Okay, short and simple. And I will say now that I've told him a few times that I don't like it. He first said it one night, "Love you, heart." And I immediately asked what that means in case he's throwing love out for Goddamn weeks in. He said, "It means I love you, heart." He's never used baby talk in the six months I knew him before he'd be started dating and never seemed this dot, dot, dot silly question mark. I told him baby talk makes me uncomfortable and the reference to love makes me uncomfortable this early on. He said he understood. He keeps saying it when I go to bed though. He'll text me, "Love you, heart." And says it when he hugs me when we leave after we've hung out somewhere. Every time I tell him to please stop with baby talk and the love, I've told him probably six times now. I've said it makes me uncomfortable. Is there a better way to explain this? Or is this a lost cause? It's very early on, so I'm aware it's better to break up now than put up with it if he refuses to stop. But I'm wondering from an outside perspective, if telling him I'm uncomfortable with baby talk may not be clear enough, slash easy enough to understand. Maybe he doesn't think it's baby talk in this context, question mark. I'm mostly just concerned if I've not actually made it clear to him, someone who considers this talk to be normal, that I haven't actually given him fair warning or a chance to change before I dump him. What should I do? - Okay, first, I don't know. Okay, I love baby talk. - You're into it. - Right, but well, I'm not like, and do it. You know what I mean? But I'll do it, right. But my thing is like, I don't, I can't subscribe. I don't subscribe to like the traditional baby talk, like the love and the, like, I'm like, do it. But, you know what I mean? - I can't even go for a second time. - And so like me, my partner, we have our own version of that, which is like playful tones in it like lightens a situation, whatever. This is a little cringy in that, like it's early on and you're using love instead of love, which is like, it's own thing because she's uncomfortable that that's being said early on. And then like it being layered with it being baby talk, that she also doesn't like. I've looked back in my texts with my boyfriend, like months into dating and we said baby in every single ten cents. It's like, okay, I love you baby. You have a great breakfast baby. And I was like, oh, disgusting. So do I think this is breakup worthy? No, but I think it could be a red flag of like, are you not respecting my wishes? It's a bigger theme. Yeah. It also just an easy mismatch. Yeah, you were friends and you knew him for six months before you started dating officially a month ago. Yeah, things are changing. I mean, it's a month in of dating. I think like pet names like, hey, boo. Like, have a good night, boo. But I think it is kind of weird a month and it'd be like, love you. Yeah, that's like a little, 'cause then it's like, it almost diminishes another big word off my list. I think it then like diminishes the meaning of love when you do get around to saying it for real for the first time. This is tricky. I think it's more, it more boils down to like, is he respecting what you want? What do I can just like? And clearly not. Right. If you've said multiple times now, it's made you uncomfortable. It shouldn't take that many times. Right. Once, twice, maybe. But OP here says, I've told him probably six times now. Yeah. That's in like, if you're excessive. is to show or verbalize your affection and it's not coming across that way, you're, it's not worth it to you. There's no. - I think they're just a mismatch. Like this would be someone else's yum. And not an ick for that. - Like me and my husband, we, our baby talk version is like Hillbilly. I'm like, "Hey, big dog, get over here, big dog." What'd you do with a little doggy? Like that's like our weird-- - Big doggy, that's great. - In such a short moment. - Yeah, yeah. - No, I'm big dog. - Got it, got it. - Dog, the one big dog shit. Have you heard that audio? - I have a couple of years ago, actually. Still stuck in my stupid head. - Right. - Still in there. - Right. - But I just think like you're not the zaintier person. - Yeah. - Especially the fact he's not respected what you're saying. - Yeah, I would maybe give it like one more go in terms of like blatantly saying like I don't like when you say love because she mentioned in there like, I don't know if it's not like if he thinks it's just doesn't count when I say I don't like baby talk. And then even like if that's still not respected then I would move on. But I think that's yeah. How would you lay the hammer down? Just flat out? - Yeah, I would be like, look, you keep doing this and it's weird dude. And I think it boils more down to like are you respecting what I like it is like. And then he'd probably say, I'm shall we? - I'm shall we? - We look no. - He loves those soft w's. I'm like, wait a minute, I have been together for nine years and we started dating when I was 16. He was 17. - Wow. - Yeah, we're like elementary school. We've been to the same school our whole life. - That's so cute. - Yeah, it's really cute. But also I loved my whole life. I had a huge crush on him growing up. And so when we like officially started dating I was so desperate to get to like the love stage 'cause I already loved him. And it was maybe like a month in similar to this. And I was like laying in his room and I was like, and it's like, what? I'm like, I don't know, I just, I really want to say something but I don't want to be the one to say it first. And he was like, do you want me to say that I love you? And I was like, do you? And so fully force his hand. And of course, he meant it. But it was like, I can't hate on this couple too much 'cause it's like, I was worse. Like I'm the problem. - That's actually a good point though because they have known each other for six months at least. - Yeah, I think that could be a real feeling and it's just, he doesn't know how to communicate it in the way that he wants to. - That is such a positive outlook on this. - Yeah, well. - That's beautiful. Thank you. That's what people are saying, so. - Top comment, they don't have that much grace for it. - Right. - They say the baby talk annoys the ever living shit out of me as well. If he doesn't listen, then dump him. - Oh, I am like an optimist. I'm like a realist optimist. So I think like, give it another shot. If it doesn't go well, then pull the trigger, but. - Yeah, I'm with you. I'm fully with you. One more last-age effort. I mean, it's only been a month and you're transitioning that dynamic of friends for six months, dating for a month. - Right. - It could be tricky. OP does respond to that. - It makes me feel sick and makes my skin crawl. I'm not a baby or a dog. It feels so skeevy and immature, like a 14-year-old in his first relationship. I told him it makes me uncomfortable and I fucking wish he'd listen. - Oh, okay, so that means it like definitely happened again after she posted that, 'cause he's mad at his now. Like something happened in between where she is like. - She's big mad. - Right. Okay, well, then maybe you know what? I would just end it. I feel like then you're gonna start getting feelings of like, 'cause I'm in, resentment, all the bad stuff. So, you know what? Maybe on to the next. - Someone does kind of give her a script here. Be crystal clear and direct. Quote, "Honey, don't use the word "love" or any other childish or baby talk. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes people, parentheses, guys, need very specific pointers. And OP responds, "I've literally said that." Almost word for word, but with more explanation. My text in last night was, "Babe, for like the hundredth time, "stop saying you love me." I told you baby talk is uncomfortable to me, especially the word "love" since it's baby talk for love and this is too early on. Stop. He then apologized and said, "Goodnight on good terms." I did so too. However, he said, "Wove again today "when I said I was going out for a while "and wouldn't be able to chat." And because it was by text, I didn't reply as I was a busy and be getting so sick of it. I decided to come ask Reddit for help now. But yeah, I need to ask him to explain why he keeps doing something he knows makes me uncomfortable. Beyond the triviality of baby talk, ignoring my request and willingly making me uncomfortable, feels like a red flag. - Oh. - Yeah, we got props over there. (laughing) - Wait, that's crazy. - Yeah. - Where there you go. - I think at that point. - Yeah, I mean, that's-- - You're kind of done. - That's I think maybe he likes defying her in a weird way. Like I don't, yeah, that just gives like more emotional immaturity, you know? - Yes. - Because I think I read something. - I saw a video, I didn't read anything. Goddamn it. - I didn't, what tech talk did you say? - I had a dissertation on emotional maturity and how you can tell someone's emotionally mature, if they accept that everyone will have a different definition of something. So someone says, oh, this feels immature or this feels too soon. If your partner is able to see like, okay, I don't feel this way. I wouldn't define this as immature or too soon, but I respect that they have a different definition of that that's emotional maturity. And so I think that this is just someone that even when their partner over and over like time and time again is like, I don't like this. This doesn't feel right to me. They can't, because they're so hard on their reality, they can't switch it over to say that like, I could be wrong in this or they have a different perspective on that, you know? - I could totally see it being that. And I think that emotional immaturity is like his inability to take her serious. - Right. - It's like, is this him trying to push boundaries and see how much he can egg her on? Maybe, but maybe he is just so emotionally immature that this isn't serious for him. So I was like, I don't wanna keep doing it. - Whatever. - Should I hit over it? - Intent versus effect is huge here. Like if his intent is to be lovie or lovie, whatever the hell, but his effect is the opposite of that, then the intent doesn't matter. I mean, so, rip. - We do get a little bit of an edit from OP. I forgot to add. - I don't know, I go through the story. - Oh yeah. - I've never done this before. I'm on like Reddit. - Well, well, yes, of course I look up my name every day, but it's just to see what's going on. So I'm not keen to like, that they can edit. - Yeah. - So you can edit. Sometimes we get an update. Not sure on this one, but edit. I forgot to add, and it might be important. It isn't always just when we say goodbyes. If we're watching a movie or hanging out, he'll play games a lot. And I just sort of chill on his bed. He'll turn around and mumble/cottonmouth a love view and maybe cuddle me. It's not just the thing he uses to end conversations, but it primarily happens when we're saying goodbye. It doesn't really change anything for me. - Yeah, not really. I think this is more her talking it out and giving herself more reasons to end it. - Yeah. - There's a lot of comments from OOP. If I try to get into all of them, we would be here all day. I think people kind of do go off the rails and they start calling his inability to listen to her, like abusive, and she's like, it's not abuse. OOP then starts kind of like defending her life. Are they on the comments? But we do end up getting an update. I know it's been 24 hours, but people felt quite strongly about this. So I'd figured I'd write it out tonight. First, thanks for all the replies, many helped me. Really affirm that I was correct to hate the behavior and be upset. But Selma also helped me work out why he may be doing it. I will mention my use of heart and stuff, like good nights is not exclusive to us. We use it with others as well as ourselves. However, he could still be misinterpreting that. So I took it into account that maybe I wasn't totally clear and maybe he was getting mixed signals. I was due to meet him today and did so. Intending to ask him to explain why he kept doing it. Not word for word, obviously, but his words were pretty shocking and I remember it very well, luckily. Part of why I wanted to post it tonight was, so it's still fresh in my noggin. Here's how it went. Me quote, "Why do you keep using the word and the baby talk when I've asked you not to? You know it makes me uncomfortable and you've apologized. So surely you know it's inappropriate and you should stop. Were the apologies fake?" He looked very offended at the suggestion and I think I baited him too much. I regret it since he got angry. Him, what the hell? No, I apologize for making you uncomfortable. Me, then why do you keep doing the things that make me uncomfortable? Him, maybe I should be more obvious. I'm apologizing for the fact that you interpret my affections that way. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for the baby talk. You just have to get used to it. Oh! (laughing) Me, so you don't care that it makes me uncomfortable. Him, I do, but you just need to stop being uncomfortable with a normal cute thing. You're being a bitch about it now, honestly, and it's hurting my feelings. What if I say I'm uncomfortable when you don't use baby talk with me? Would you change? Me, those are two different things. You're deflecting. Him, no, I have every right to talk to you how I want. You're being a hypocrite. Me, I wouldn't want you to suffer at the burden of dating a hypocrite. then goodbye. Don't ever contact me again. So they broke up. Kill him, right? I don't know. I don't know. I guess I've killed him. Wait, that's crazy. But so I was right about it. It was like truly emotional and maturity and defensiveness, which I think are just really hard. Kings to get out of someone because it's like the go-to. It's like the knee-jerk reaction. Yeah. And I mean, he's 20. Like, they're 20. A lot of grown up to do. Like, yeah. But when I was 20, I was like pretty cooked. I was like pretty well done. I was in the oven for long enough. Like I was good. Yeah. But I feel like, I guess men have it a little different in that there are a couple years behind developmentally. I feel like I genuinely like, I'm 32 now. I don't feel like I knew who I was until I was like 20, 80 then. Yeah, but I knew how to act with someone. That's right. I knew I had a basic respect. Right. Yeah. The comment of like, you just need to be okay with it. Like I'm apologizing for the effect, not the intent. Like I was talking about, I think that's the biggest issue. Yeah. Obviously calling someone a bitch is crazy. Yeah. To jump to that, it's just offensive. It's like you, you will never be able to break through. Yeah. For someone always fighting for themselves. Well, and he keeps popping off, right? Like, OP ends up going on to say, I was fuming. I walked out, but like proud of myself for how quick I reacted and walked off. And then when OP got back to their car, they go on to say, he texted me generic, you're overreacting stuff. And when I ignored it, he demanded the gifts back that he had given me. Dude spent a lot of money on me. And I never asked for it. I told him the gifts are legally mine once given to me and declared as gifts. I told him, I never asked for the gifts. And it was his choice to buy them live with that choice finished by saying again, do not contact me. I've blocked him on all social media. The gifts were a little too much. Something I also mentioned once, but he gifted again after since he only did it once after I said not to, I wasn't going to pull it up on him unless in like the situation he kept doing it. I did try to refuse the gifts and he got upset until I accepted them. And hindsight, the gifts were starting to do the same thing as the baby talk. I was an idiot for not seeing the red flag sooner. I don't want the gifts. And they're somewhat expensive. All still with tags on them, teddy bears, clothes, shoes, and jewelry all bought for me in a month. Now going to a charity shop after ex-miss to hopefully make a big of decent money back for a better cause than some dude who loves me so much. He just has to shower me with gifts and ignore my comfort and boundaries. You guys helped open my eyes and make me stop feeling like the bad guy for taking issue with it. I really wanted to understand and explain to him, but I guess his true colors came out. Surprising how I didn't ever see or hear about this side of him for six months when we were friends. Thank you all again for your advice and help in the last thread. That's why I mean that's that's just it's like people are so different, you know, in relationships and I think that's even why like I mean I've been with my partner for nine years. We're still learning about each other like the different dynamics. What you go through in life brings out a different side of you. So I don't think you ever stop changing. And I think relationship dynamic would change, you know, of course, comparing to a friend relationship, but it sounds like love bombing. It sounds like all those gifts were very much like the gifts which aren't always negative, but care like coupled with, you know, defensiveness and blaming and stuff. It's just gives not ready for a relationship. No, and just like so hot and heavy from the jump. And it's like, okay, yeah, again, you knew him for six months, but you were friends. Right. And like, I think OP definitely must have like, oh, no, this is like only a friend. Yeah. And now this month they've been together really in her mind. It's like, okay, no, no, we're starting square one truly dating now. Right. Right. Right. Different. Yeah. And so to get love and presence, it's just like, yeah, you are too much. Yeah. This is too hot and heavy and like playing house before. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, say it and do it when you mean it. Right. Like, this feels performative. Yeah. Love bombing. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'm like, I love a gift, but I can imagine how it would feel just like too much. Yeah. And I think that's just it too. Like, I have like gift guilt where like, I never want anyone to spend money on me. I mean, I'll take it. Right. But he doesn't feel good. When I receive it, I prefer to give gifts, but I love a gift. I love a surprise. I think that's just what I changed the thrill of a surprise. And then I feel really bad. I feel really guilty. I say sorry. And they like, well, yeah, that's just who I am. And then I take it home and I enjoy it. Of course. Yeah. But I think that would make me uncomfortable because it would feel like they're trying to supplement something or compensate for something or, yeah, I don't know. I'm glad she, she was able to successfully end it and feel good about it. Broken up, right call for them. 100%. Not a match. And we'll see what you think about this next one. Yeah. Yeah. This is coming from Am I the asshole titled Am I the asshole for ruining my girlfriend's birthday party by taking a party game too seriously. Okay. I 27 male have been dating my girlfriend 30 female for three years. I'm pretty shy. And it's caused some friction because I usually keep to myself around her friends. For her 30th birthday, she asked me to make a real effort. Talk to everyone, play games, be social. I agreed. One of the games was where everyone anonymously writes down a secret and the group guesses who it belongs to. This is like every like movie ever and it always ends wrong. Like don't do that. I've never played this game before. I didn't really go out in university. So I figured the point was to write your biggest most shocking secret to win. But everyone else wrote things like quote, I'm allergic to mango or my mom is one eighth Greek. Then my turn came and mine was quote, I've broken up two of my friend's relationships by anonymously sending fake screenshots. How big was that little post it? I feel like that's a mouthful for like a little paper in a hat. The room went dead silent. My girlfriend ended the party early and went to stay at her friends place. She says I made everyone uncomfortable and embarrassed her. I honestly don't understand. Like I get the secret was a lot, but she wanted me to participate be vulnerable and actually engage with her friends. I did exactly that. The secret was from high school. So it's not like I did that this year. Am I the asshole? Okay. I feel like if this was a story that she also knew about, it would be less jarring. Yeah. Like if you already knew her take on it and you already explained to her, you're like, oh, this was like a while ago. True. I regret it. Hopefully. I won't do it again, maybe. And then to bring it up with friends, if the friends were then like, hey, that was weird. Like you have someone in your corner being like, oh, like no, it was a while ago stuff. But her finding out with everyone else, I think is a big part of the problem here. I don't know why he did that. I don't know why you would do that at all. But I think I see his point in that like, he thought the game was to really just kind of lay it all on the table. I'm gonna be honest. I wouldn't have written down a secret as lame as like mom is one eighth Greek because bitch, everyone's mom is one eighth Greek. By the way, that's no secret. Like I would have expected a real secret, but like his secret is kind of on another level of like terror. It's just you know, right, the spectrum. I think like if I did if I have never played a game before, right? Like that. I wouldn't, like I don't go into poker and I start taking my shirt off because I think it's strip poker. Like I assess the situation. Yeah. Let someone do it first. Or like aspect or ask like how crazy do we get with these? Right. Like what are you writing down? And then she's like, I'm allergic to mango. And then I would go, okay, well, maybe it's not my deepest darkest. Yeah. So I think he may be crazy, but I don't think that's the biggest problem. I think it's more like I don't keep like my partner and I we don't have secrets that we don't know about each other. So I think the in a group setting in front of her friends sharing a secret is like what would upset me the most? Yeah. I know because it's like there's kind of two problems here. The one he's asking might not be the appropriate question even because it's like right. Am I the asshole for ruining my girlfriend's birthday party by taking a party game too seriously? I mean, you diabolically almost like trauma dumped your terror on your girlfriend during her 30th birthday at all of her friends. Right. Like you kind of just admitted that you're not a good person like to break up not one of your friends relationships, but two fake by creating fake screenshots. Yeah. That is a diabolical level of cruelty, meanness, and I don't know, deranged behaviorless and malicious, like very, very malicious. So yeah, I mean, you did like you shut down the birthday. It ended after this. So yeah, you are the asshole for ruining the birthday, not sharing this horrible secret beforehand and dropping it on her. Right. And also doing this. Right. This is crazy. It is well. And for him to be like, the secret was from high school. It's not like I did it last year. It's like, okay, I just, that's so crazy. Like I hate when people say that, especially - I feel like when you're, I think he said 27, like I know you didn't do it last year, bitch, but like you did it, you know? So I have no idea what to think about it. I feel like it is more kind of like what you were saying. It's like you made it about yourself and you also chose something that you knew your partner didn't know, and I think that's the problem. - That. - The birthday too. - Well, and you should have picked a secret that only she knew about you, like at least so then one person could guess that it's you. But I mean, it's very, very clearly gonna be you based on what you just shared. But I do, yeah, it's just, I don't know, it's also the fact that he's just brushing it off. Like it doesn't really seem to acknowledge. Again, it's like the effect. I know your intent, maybe you're confused, maybe, like let's benefit up the doubt. Let's say he realizes that those moments were wrong. He was a mature and young. He should be able to admit that it was not the right time to bring it up. And the effect was not what he intended. But I think here he's like, I don't get it. I don't think it's that big of a deal even after seeing how it affected her. I think that's the biggest problem. - Yeah. It's so crazy that the top comment on this one has actually been removed by a moderator because it failed to remain civil. So I think they had some strong words for them. Someone does reply and says, "A tad harsh calling someone a sociopath because they did something naughty at a high school and misread the room at a party." And someone then responds, "Noddy, going through the time and effort to make fake screenshots multiple times to sabotage multiple relationships." I think you're downplaying how weird and worrying this behavior was. I'm very curious what the top comment specifically said, but we understand. - Yeah. - Yes. Next sociopath is a little intense. But I think like, especially, you know, sometimes I flirt with the idea that I may be placed on the spectrum if not the funny one. I think there have been social situations where my partner is like, "Hey, they don't know you that well, that type of joke." Or, "Hey, this is another where I'm like, "What, I thought that was funny or what, "I thought they'd be cool, me sharing that." Or, "Where I genuinely am not on the same page." Where I'm like, "Oh, I don't understand how that could be taken." That I'm like, "Oh, wow, maybe there are just different types of reception out there." So I get him in that regard. And I have sympathy in that department of like, maybe he really doesn't get why this is wrong to mention. But again, like you see the effect of it. And like, that's clear today. Like, who doesn't understand someone saying like that was inappropriate? - Yeah. There's another comment here. Big red box, a lot of awards. Guess you won't need screenshots to end this relationship. You're the asshole. - Wow, that was great. - Honestly, a word. It's like some slam post. - I give them an award. - Dude, I have any awards to give? Oh, I do. I'm gonna give them one, too. That's gonna be great. - I hope I wish someone would give me an award. - I'll give you one. You just, you dropped me the link here. - So you have no idea what my account is. Well, you gotta go on. You figured out. - Oh, okay. - And then I'll come find you. - Okay. - Okay, award has been given. - Yay. - The next comment that I wanna share is the game was to have a laugh, not confess to being horrible. Suspect, you will soon be single again. OP does respond to that and says, "I don't know how, I'm allergic to mango is funny in any way." - Okay, that I do understand. Have you played quip lash? - No. It's basically a game where you're either like the most boring person in the room or you like make a 9/11 joke and everyone thinks you're weird. It's like digital, so it's on the screen and you use your phone. It's kinda like coots. It's kinda like a hoot and it'll give you a prompt like something you say to grandma before she goes to bed and someone will put in the room like, "Goodnight, love you." And then someone's like, "Make sure that ass is ready for me," right? And it'll show up on screen at the same time. And in that moment you realize like, "Oh, you're in a more like PG group." - Uh-huh. - And that's like the joke online is like you kinda get outed. So I get that where it's like, I also would not find the being allergic to mango for me there. I'm always gonna go for a joke. Would I have it be like a very morally gray story about myself? No, I don't have any of those. But I do get that it's like, that wasn't funny. - Yeah, but that doesn't allow you to then make it about yourself and be morally. - Completely agree, yeah. - I'm with you. I wouldn't find the mangoes a he-ha moment. - I wonder if in that moment he was hearing them being read out and he was like, "Okay, let me just grab that." - Yes, if I could just, my long slip of paper. - Yeah, no, no, don't read that as you see someone unfolding, right? - Yeah, because I'm allergic to mango. I don't know who put the other one down there. - Yeah, who is is that? - Play dumb. - Yeah, just, I'm Greek. I am one percent Greek, you guys. - That person's crazy. But I think the big problem is, and someone does highlight it here in another comment. You're the asshole, bro, forget the game. It's not about the game. Her friends aren't thinking, oh, we played this game wrong, what a dummy. They're thinking, oh no, he's capable of something creepy and vindictive. I'm now worried for my friend who's dating him. - Mm-hmm. And that is the truth. - I think that's the moral of a lot of these stories. - Uh-huh. - It's not about the game. - It's about the holistic view on how you approach situations. Criticism. - Holistic. - Yeah, that's another one. Another big word for that? - Okay. - Thank you. - That is, 'cause it is. It's just all-encompassing. - Right. - Like all these different, you know, - I feel like nuances. - And I try not to play into the, oh, man, I always do this, I'm gonna always do that. - And I feel like they focus on the drop in the bucket. We focus on the bucket, and it's almost full, and it happens a lot, and this is something that I keep talking about, and they kind of go into the nitty gritty of like that one drop, and like how it's different, or how it's not applicable. But it's like, no, this is the bucket's full. You do this a lot, you know what I mean? So I think they view things in a very small scale, which isn't wrong. But I think women view it in more of like a pattern. - We are pattern. - Pattern people, and I think it's hard to argue pattern against someone that wants to focus on like that one instance. - That is such an insane point and analogy. I'm just gonna sit with that. - I'm so serious by the way, this is like, - I'm literally like, I'm gonna need to roll the tape, so I'm just be like, man, look at the drop in the bucket, but women more so look at the bucket, and it is the best way I've heard that kind of looked at, where it's like, it's not really about the confession. It's about what the confession means, it's implications, and how it then relates to our relationship, and are you gonna fake screenshots with me? What does it mean? Do you feel sorry, doesn't feel like you do? And it is more about that holistic view. - That's good, that's good. - Thank you, thank you. - Okay, let's get on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Okay, so this podcast is literally about choices. Wild, messy, wait, you did what? Choices. But for the choices that are actually straightforward, State Farm's got over 19,000 local agents, real humans, ready to help you, like helping you save when you choose to bundle, home, and auto with the personal price plan. Bundling, just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts, and savings, and eligibility vary by state. Number three for us here, coming from our slash relationship advice, girlfriend repeatedly made comments about my height and size, then spent a month walking it back. She wants to continue the relationship. How do I handle this? I'm a 28-mail, was married for six years, divorced a year ago, no kids. Took a break from dating and three months ago, I met a girl four years younger. She's 24-female. I was really into her. At first glance, she seemed exactly my type and personality. For context, my style with women has always been old school gentleman, opening doors, taking it slow, a bit chivalrous, she was pleasantly surprised at first, and she didn't expect that from a guy my age. Then the drama cascades started. Around the fifth or sixth date, I planned a double date to introduce her to my best friend and his wife. Everything had been near perfect until that day. On the way there, she suddenly got upset that her heels made her taller than me, which is absurd. I'm 178 centimeters and she's 160 centimeters. For those that don't know centimeters at home, like us sitting here, it is 5'8" for him. - Okay. - 5'2"ish for her. - Fine. - No heel closes that gap. And even if it did, so what? My ex-wife was exactly my height and it was never an issue in six years. I tried to diffuse it with humor, but she kept making it a serious thing. It honestly felt like she wanted to emasculate me for some reason. That same evening at dinner, my friend's wife Joke, that me and my friend, are so close we're probably a secret gay couple. My girlfriend turns to my friend and says, quote, "If you were a gay couple, you'd be the top and he'd be the bottom." (laughing) It's crazy. My friend asked why and she said, Your. more masculine and manly, awkward silence, they left soon after. When I got upset, she explained that in gay standards, I have more aesthetic and refined look while my friend is more rugged. Not the gay standard. That's crazy. Drama too. A few days later, she somehow circled back to the height topic. You know, you're not very tall right. I asked to the point why we're even talking about this. If something bothers you, walk away. She said, quote, no, your height is tolerable for me. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with you anywhere. I told her that's not a compliment. 37 degrees Celsius heat is tolerable, not a person's proportions. She apologized, said she has poor vocabulary and was just stating a fact. My take, you don't state facts about things that don't matter to you. Drama three. A few days later, we had sex for the first time. I was exhausted, had in slip and jokingly warned her in advance that this wouldn't be my best performance. Sex was more or less fine. Afterwards, she asked, quote, you're healthy, right? You don't smoke or drink. I said, correct. She goes, quote, my ex was a user. He smoked, drank, did drugs, but he could stay hard for an hour. I laughed it off and said, call him then. Have him come finish. She apologized again, quote, just stating a fact didn't mean to hurt you. I let it slide. Drama four. A few days later, successful sex in between for the record. We're watching a show where a character has a comically exaggerated penis, like 40 to 50 centimeters. What show is that? It's giving that like 360 that everyone was like, yeah, but what show is that? I've never heard, I'm just at, I would like, I would like the name of that. Oh, thank you. Just for research. 15 inches. Sorry, I know I'm getting hung up on this. Literally hung. I'm wondering if, so do they show it in the show? It could be, I'm blushing. Game of Thrones. Night of the Seven Kingdoms. No. I'll show you the scene. No, I remember. The old guy goes outside to pee and it's just, oh, right. Oh, it could be that. Wow, that did it for. Okay. We both joked about it. And then she says, quote, length isn't what matters. Gearth is work. I'm slightly above average around 14 to 15 centimeters in length, 13 and a half girth, not small. We're cuddling romantically and I playfully ask, do you like mine? She says, it's acceptable, but I've seen better. I can't stand her. I took it as playful teasing at first. But about two minutes later, still in a playful slash sexual tone, I threaten her like, oh, you've seen better. Let me show you better right now. And she suddenly gets serious. Well, yeah, I've seen much bigger than she immediately realized what she said and pivoted to bigger doesn't mean better. Obviously, I lost all desire. Stop the foreplay. She snapped at me. Why are you acting like an insecure man? Do you need to be the best at everything? I emotionally disincent myself after that. A couple of days later, she says, yours is completely sufficient for me. Oh, my God. That's great sufficient. That's crazy. I asked her, honestly, have you ever wished it was bigger? She said, no, but who wouldn't want that? Anyone who says otherwise is lying? That told me everything. Then came the month-long campaign from her. Week one started with, I can't believe how insecure you've become over this. That didn't work. Week two, you should see a therapist, ignore me for a week. This is not a normal reaction. Didn't work. Week three, she then backpedaled and apologized, quote, I said something stupid, but it shouldn't have hurt you. You can't be the best at everything. You have other qualities. That made it worse. And so I told her, so should I stay in a relationship knowing you feel something's missing and compensate with money status and treating you well? Then week four, she took on a new approach. What do you think the difference even is between you and him? One to two CM Max. And you're making a drum out of this. So in four weeks, it shrank from much bigger to only one to two centimeters. Two days ago, we had a final conversation. She says, you're the best man for me. Drop these bad thoughts. If penises made women happy, every woman would be walking around happy. Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense. I told her she wouldn't have said any of it. If it didn't matter to her, you never once commented on my shoe size being 43 instead of 46, because you don't care about that. Then she asks, if you could design me as a character, wouldn't you change anything about me? I said, sure, maybe round out a toenail. She goes, see what I mean. If I were deciding you, I would just add three to four centimeters to your penis. So I kicked her out of my apartment at 3 a.m. Now she's in full drama mode insisting she fell in love with me. She only said these things because she was upset. She's never been with a good man before and doesn't know how to adjust to it. And she doesn't want to lose me and this relationship. Any advice is welcome. Okay, I think psychologically, I think she doesn't know how to appropriately express how she feels. I think she does it in a very mean offensive way and then gets defensive when called out for it. There's a word for it in psychology. I can't remember what it in my one semester. I took a bit in college, but it is seen in relationships where someone doesn't like something about their partner and they have to verbalize it. That's the problem. They don't care. It's just an internal frustration that they feel this need to verbalize. My mom would always say, if someone can't change it in five minutes, don't say it. I love that. He can't change it. Also, your one to talk has bought it there. She won't find success in any relationship because of course there's always going to be something you would change about your partner. But have it be so like emasculating like he was saying and so rude and so persistent is like, she's crazy. I always find it. I think one of my biggest aches or a big red flag I see with people is when their partner or like one of the two in the relationship tries to bring the other down in front of other people. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like, why are you trying to humble me in front of my friends? This the whole thing like from drama one, two, three and four, like every single one was bad. But why are you bringing me down in front of my friends who you're just meeting for the first time. You're saying, oh, if we would be gay, he'd be the top. I'd be the bottom. Then you're like implying all this other stuff like gay standards, like I'm more aesthetic, which are you calling me like then feminine? And again, OP did get that vibe of like, I felt totally emasculating. It's just not a good feeling and you shouldn't be with someone like that. Like you've been dating for what a month, total, month and a half. And by the way, that's like honeymoon phase. The fact that she's bullying you this early on is crazy. Yeah, it's insane. It feels like nagging. Yeah. Where it's like she's really trying to be negative and like humble him, bring him down. So then he like kind of competes for that validation from her. Yeah, again, I think it's she doesn't know how to appropriately verbalize her preferences. And like, there are certain things I don't think you should ever one care about. And then two mentioned to someone like hide or penis size that because they can't change that. But I think she just doesn't have a good way of saying like, let's say your partner has more weight on them than you'd prefer. I feel like that type of person would be like, Oh, look at this photo of Chris Hemsworth. Like doesn't he look so good? Like, I wish you had that. Like that's an inappropriate way of bringing up a preference or something that you, you know, if you want your partner to be like more athletic or whatever. Yeah. I don't know the best way to bring it up, but it's certainly not to compare, which I think is this person's like knee jerk reaction. And no one wants that. Like if he was doing that to you, you know, pointing out like Megan Foxx or, you know, like Zendaya, you know, her height and how gorgeous and hot she's so hot. Excuse me, I got a little distracted there. You wouldn't like that. No, imagine like I think like any versus Audi vaginas to like labia right differences. It's like, would you like that? Like, Oh, I've never been with someone who's such an Audi. Right. No. That person probably never thought about that. Like and now they are thinking about it. And I don't know. Again, gross. This is weird. It's weird. Also, hey, you got to test drive the car before you bought it. Right. You're not a match. Move on. I don't know why people have such a hard time admitting that to themselves. I think it is though part like she wants him to admit it or to agree with her. I think that's part of it where it's like, you know, you're short, right? And I think she desperately wants him to agree to that for whatever reason, because I think a lot of people out there know that there are certain things people can't change, but they just want them to know that that's something. Like you have, I need you to know that you're short. Yeah. And you know that I've had bigger partners in the past. For some reason, it's. - It is interesting. I wonder what that is. I wonder if that's just like, "Hey, maybe she's not understanding social cues." Maybe she's just not. She's one of those people that can never be wrong or just like wants, like, "Oh, this is fact, like admit it." - Yeah. - There's something there. And I would never, again, like use the word sociopathic, but I think there is a level of emotional numbness or lack of awareness when it comes to being like, "Hey, you're hurting my feelings." And then her backpedaling, and even the backpedaling is insensitive. Like, no, I mean, he was like two centimeters more than you. It's like, even that's not okay. So you clearly don't know how to appropriately and maturely even apologize. - There are classes. Like if you want to go practice and like learn social cues and social norms, like there are classes at community centers all over, that do that. There's occupational therapists that actually teach that as well. So there's ways to work on that. And like, I would take this for her. Like, as a lesson of like, I need to be more tactful and compassionate. And I don't need to verbalize everything as hard as it is. And if you feel like you need to get it out, then go write it down in a private diary. - Right. No, I think that's huge 'cause I think like therapy is expensive and it's not accessible to everybody. But I think if it is accessible to her, I would highly recommend it because it's not, I would never bash someone for not understanding certain social cues because that's, it's so nuanced. But this is one of those that time and time again, it's not effective and it's actually negative for your partner. And that's not just with that partner. That's pretty tried and true. - Everyone's forward now too. - Right. - This is done. - Yeah. - This guy's not gonna continue. - Right. - But it's like to sit down with the professional and genuinely say like, why isn't this working? Why do I feel the need to verbalize this? And why does it frustrate me when he doesn't accept it or he doesn't like it? Like, why do I feel that, that bitch? - Yeah. - I mean, so I think there's great question to be done there. I wouldn't just say that she's a terrible person. I just think there's a lack of awareness there. And like, hey, find someone you don't have to verbalize that with. - Right. - Find someone you like more that you feel is a better match. That's, that's cool. - Totally. - You don't have to make it work with everyone. It's not even how it, it's not possible. - Right, right. - The comments, top comment. Dude, you barely know this woman and she's been toxic as hell since day one. Block her on everything and move on. Next comment, literally. Like, what is bro doing? Someone goes, she must be really fucking hot. - Right. - Which, hey. - Plausible. - Hey. - Plausible. Someone says, your problem is that you were unhappy by the fifth date but you decided to keep dating. So accurate. Reading this, I was like, wait, why does it say girlfriend if she started this on the fifth or sixth date? And probably because she was hot enough to keep OP interested but toxicity kills sex appeal over time. So, a lot of people speculating about looks, appearances. - Right. - But I think, you know, you're coming off being married for six years for a relationship. And also she's, okay. I am fine with age gaps. There is a lot of like, unacceptable age gaps. Of course, like I think even like, anytime I hear, even like, this 28 and 24, that's an age gap where I would then question the maturity of both people because when I was 24 last year, that's so young. If I, you know, look back four years, that's a huge difference in maturity. And I'm sure at 28, I'm gonna view the same as when I was 24, especially when it's the man that's older. I don't know. It's one of those things where it's like, she's acting like this at 24 to a 28 year old. Yeah, I think he's gonna have that compares, especially after coming out of a six year marriage, you know? - Yeah, probably a different level of maturity, for sure. Married for six years, 24, dating, very different. I don't mind their age gaps so much, especially since they're meeting now. Like they're both probably pretty established. Like I think for me, the age gap issues come with like, when there's also power imbalances. - Yeah. - But clearly, emotionally, mentally, you're not connecting physically. You're not connecting. What reason do you have to stay? - Yeah. - I find none. So it's okay to move on and keep going. - Yeah. - Cool. - Yeah, I agree. - Let's find out if he does that though, because we do get an update. - I keep forgetting this, this is like an ongoing thing. - We get an update and I haven't read it. And I'm really scared. She asked me yesterday for 15 minutes. She said she had something to tell me. So I agreed. She came and asked, quote, "After all this time, did you never develop feelings for me?" I told her, "Yes, I did, but I love myself more than I love anyone else. Maybe one day my child will be the exception, but you are not my child." Then she asked what loving myself has to do with not loving her too. She said she loves me very much, deeply. She regrets everything she said. She called herself stupid, said that she lacks tact. I replied that it's one thing when something slips out, you apologize and you stop. That happens, people are human. But it's another thing entirely. When you tell me there exists some man, let's call him Jason, who's dick, I can never match. Jason needs no additions or changes. But if it were possible, that you would add three to four centimeters to me. That's where you locked me into a permanent comparison. If you had just said, I'd give everyone a few extra centimeters. Jason included, you included. I would just keep increasing it indefinitely. Fine, there's a preference. But you said he needs nothing added and I do. So I can't live with a person who first hurt me, and then instead of expressing regret and stopping, spent weeks reinforcing the belief that I will never be a sufficient man for her. She said, but you are sufficient. But imagine you purchased the Porsche. When you add a few horse powers, if the manufacturer offered it to you, I laughed so much about it. I thought I could add a horse powers to my car. But she was trying to backhand again and replied, but there's a second Porsche in your garage that needs no addition. That's the problem. Advise to her to go work on herself, get into a psychoanalytic therapy, invest in general education and culture, and I wish her the best. I'm gonna use that. If anyone is ever mean to me, I'm just gonna say, "You need to invest in general education." That is a, that's crazy. Do you have your GED? A dig. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I think he's absolutely right. I think it's good that he is putting himself first in the scenario because he won't be first to her and that's very clear. It gets hairy when it comes down to preferences and I think that's always gonna be a thing. But I think when you're in the dating world, you have that option. If you see someone and you know that height will always be a problem, that's respectable that you don't pursue people that don't satisfy that for you. It's when you and that person who doesn't meet that preference get into a relationship willingly and you continue to make it a problem. You kind of sign that contract, be like, "Okay, I'm willingly getting into this relationship with someone who has different preferences or doesn't match my preferences perfectly." But that's you being willing to not have that be a topic of conversation. So yeah, I think she just needs a lot of work on herself. Yeah. The car analogy, I'm like, again, it's like you're, you're like bandied over a bullet hole. You're making it worse. I don't think it's, even your analogies are hurtful. It's like, no. Also, what does a car have to do with my dick? Right, and it's like using a port. It's like, what are we doing here? Also, it's not easy to add a couple horsepower. Like add a couple horsepower to my Honda. Yeah, I don't know. It doesn't work. It doesn't work. You know what, what are you adding nitrous? Or are you, like, upgrading to a turbochar? It's like, what are we doing? But it's also like, again, this is my body. Right, like you could throw all these hypothetical bad analogies out that you want. I can't change my body. It's also not normal to say that to someone. Like that is, again, preferences aside. You can't say that to someone. And if it is that important to you, you should leave, you know, do that person a service and take yourself out of it. So, you know, it's crazy. I know. It's really, I'm just beyond baffled with this one. And also this next one. Oh, God. There's some crazy people out there. Like, I'm a little cuckoo, right? But like, ooh, I don't read it scary. There's some crazy people. Yeah, how do you feel about body fluids? Me. Are you like, do you get grossed out with fluids? Well, who, where'd they come from? Yeah. Because me, I'm like, I'm chilling. I guess this is about mine. So, yeah. Go ahead. No. No. This is coming from our slash relationship advice. Am I 30 female, rude as hell and mean for calling my husband disgusting after he came into a blanket and let me put it on unknowingly. Ew. It'll blanket. I don't know. Okay, go ahead. I'll start off by saying my husband, 35 male, and I have had some really rough patches in the past year. We both really want to make it work, but lately, I've had to set some hard boundaries. The main one being, I don't feel like I'm given the same respect that he gives everyone else. We had a really stupid argument and I'm legit losing my mind over it. I feel insane and I truly need to know if I'm overreacting or off based somehow. We both had a really long week and today my husband took the day off and has been in a funk all day. I had yet another really long day at work, and since I got home, I was giving him his space. We were interacting in little friendly blips like to see how the garden progress was going and to take the dog for a walk. Well, this evening, my dog had a tiny accident on the bedding, she has medical complications, and I had to wash the bedding. Unfortunately, by the time my husband and I were ready for bed, the bedding was still not even close to being done because I started it so late in the evening. So we plan to sleep in the guest room, where he has been hanging out all day. He has his gaming systems and TV in there. I go to put a blanket on, and I feel something very wet in the darkness of the room. Why is it wet? Yeah, that's what I would do. Why is it wet? Him. Oh, because I came on it earlier. He says this, like, this is the most normal thing ever. What the fuck? Why didn't you put it with the other bedding being washed? That's disgusting. Him. That's so rude. There's no need to be mean about it. Obviously, some of the words might have been different because this was a few hours ago at this point, but you get the gist. This conversation proceeds to accelerate to an argument really quickly, because apparently I have always known that he came in blankets. He's got cereal blanket coming. It's fine. Just sleep on the other side. And that as his wife, I should be okay with it. It's just his come and quote, it's sterile. I'm not joking. These were his arguments. It's sterile. It's calm. What do you mean? Okay. I would argue back that it's wild that he is getting so defensive over me saying something that is obviously true, that it's disgusting to come in blankets and just leave it. And how I knew he liked the feel of a blanket, but not the result looking like this, and how his other arguments are just fucked up to say, and yes, we did hear that right. I knew he liked the feel of a blanket. I'm just confused. Okay. I feel like one time per blanket, because I feel like I would get the optimization of it being like 10 sessions per blanket, right? Because then it's like, okay, here's my thing. I don't come in blankets, me personally, but I think if I were a guy, I would maybe choose a sock, right? I think that's pretty standard, maybe like a hand towel, but like a full blanket seems just wasteful, space wise. And like washing a blanket is a pain in the ass. I think the problem here though is more you saw your partner dawn the blanket, right? And I want to know if there was urgency of like, oh, don't put that on. I've come in it or if it was like, you should be cool with this. That's I think my, that's where the problem would lie. Yeah. Like you determine whether it's normal for you to do, not for my reaction. Don't, don't make it my problem. Um, stop coming, please, that's what I would say. Oh, he came again, didn't you, he comes out of the game room, oh, my God, again. OP does go on to say he then proceeded to fly off the handle and yell about how I'm always criticizing and I need to shut up. This is one of the things I recently told him to stop saying to me, the shut up. It's honestly wild to me that I have to even ask my husband to stop saying something like that to me. And he's flying off the handle, I'm me saying that leaving come in a blanket is gross. But whatever, I guess I left the room and I'm trying to sleep on the tiny couch. Honestly, I don't know, like I said earlier, I feel insane. Is this some wild normal thing that I somehow missed the memo on? If not, why the fuck can my husband take my disgust as a valid response to something like this? How the fuck did he justify it in his brain that as his wife, I should be okay with something like that. Question mark, question mark, question mark. Again, I'm so uncomfortable with this blanket now, by the way, I'm like thinking about it. You've been here, didn't you? That is a clean. It's again, it's the theme where it's how do you react to me communicating that I don't like something? And that is where the true problem lies. Look, you can come in as many places as you want. Well, okay, there's a limit there, but you can, you can do what you want. Within the walls of our own home, right within the confines of your, your, your game. There's options. There's options. Yeah, there's options. I feel like it's when I communicate that I don't like it or it's making more laundry work for me or I think it's gross or it, it irks me a little bit. Your reaction to that is where I think I would look for like the problem. Like, are you going to tell me to shut up? Are you going to say that I should be okay with it? So again, it's like it's bigger picture. It's not so much why do you keep coming in weird places? Yeah. You know, it's just gross. I did act it out. I like, sorry, what? I was like trying to see what the sensation might be to use a blanket as your, your method. Put your penis on it. It would be, you know, that you acted out. I just had to, just like you give yourself a little arm job with the blankie. Oh my god. What are you talking about? I just wanted to see what he was experiencing. Right, right. I don't know. I just, I didn't understand the blanket. I was really trying to understand. Right. What? I just, right. I don't know you guys. I'm in a curious gal. Whatever. Right, right, right. But again, like, it's not really about the blanket here. I really don't understand what I'll see. I guess I, it's more, this blanket is really soft. Oh, I would totally come in that for sure. Exactly. Thank you. But if you said, Ashby, stop, please God stop coming in my, my blanket. I'd be like, okay. That's fair. Or just like, hey, if you're in my own little blanket, if you're gonna do it on the blanket or use the blanket as your pocket blankie, like at least just wash it. Right. What if he left it on the bed? Let it dry. What if a guest comes over and sleeps in that bed? Not to it. Well, and I'm just asking questions. I feel like what if the dog got to it? Maybe that's why the dog has tummy problems. Oh my God. Can you imagine disgusting? It feels like it's, it's definitely an itch. This would itch me out. You wash your blanket or like, hey, let's get you a little like tiny one. That's easy to wash. That's easy to wash. Like, you wash your cum. You better, if you, yeah, you better wash it. Yeah, you can just, I'm known for my quotes. Yeah, you're really, you're gonna serve some clips for sure. For sure. Yeah, I think it's like, it's your mess, clean it up. Would you get divorced over this? Because married, married, I wouldn't get married over this. So. I mean, that was one quote that I was curious about. She said she's known that he likes to come and go out. Yeah. Can I also ask the question, do you have to come in it? Like, do it and then switch to like a fuzzy sock. What about like a really fuzzy sock? I think maybe, okay, here's my theory. I think maybe he makes it into a shape, like a blanket. Like the towel animals? Yeah. Yeah. What? That's not good. I agreed without knowing what the hell you're talking about. You know, we're in like the hotel cleaning people will come in and like make animal shapes with towels on your bed. That's for sex. You've never, I don't think it's for sex reasons. That's for sex reasons. I just saw a photo. That is 100%. They're really cute. Look at this. There's a stingray, a swan, an elephant, monkey. When I see, when I look for the first time, I wanted to fuck it. That's that's 100% a kink thing. For sure. Oh. That's men are wild creatures and they see that and they, anyway, I think he's making it into a shape similar, yes, to the stingray or whatever. I think he's like rolling it up so I don't think it's like can be replicated with a fuzzy sock as my theory. But if he's insistent on this, do the blanket and then put the sock inside of the or just put the blanket aside and have some tissues. I'm being too accommodating or breaking news. Use your life. Don't use your life. Oh my God. Ask, of course, before you do that, of course. But you have the real blankie at home. Who was that? She was at home. Who was at home? She was at home. She was at home. Literally bopping around. Yeah. Put the sock, like put the blanket away. Again, it's not so much about the blanket. It really is like his total disrespect and like the reaction. Shut up. Shut up. You're being mean. And I am curious why he didn't stop her but it's, it's sounding like, oh, it was a dark room and he couldn't see and then you went for it. But again, oh, babe. Oh, we're going to sleep in the guest room because our sheets aren't clean. Okay. Yeah. Let me go change that bed. Really fast. I did a little deed in there. You came in the blanket again. Yeah. It's, it's disgusting. They also just need more blankets. I think if they're only rocking with two and you have a cereal blanket, come or you must have more blankets. Yeah. Like a backup. He doesn't, like, hide one blanket from him. Yeah. No, and there's some good blanket deals. Home goods. TJ Maxx. But like, keep one that only you know about as the backup blanket because if he finds a blanket, he's coming in it. It's not safe. - No, absolutely not, right. - Comments, how is he 35? This is disgusting. The fact he takes zero accountability is such a red flag. I wouldn't be able to get over this. O.P. responds, "I would throw out phases like, "how old are you?" And this is teenage shit, but nothing would get through to him. I honestly don't understand how he rationalized this in his head. He is not an irrational guy. - I think it is a, maybe a little bit of a thing for him now. Like, he needs the blankie. - Yeah, I think, yeah. It could be like a mommy thing or whatever. - It could be like a thing, like a developmental thing. - Someone sent me a crazy diaper video the other day. - What? - Like this grown man. - What? - It's a thing. Yeah, it's a new, very up and coming, big baby, big baby kink. - Oh, big baby's been thing. - Yeah, since 1964, I believe. - What? - The first document in case a big baby finished. - What? - I trust me, I'm going down the rabbit hole. - Wow, okay. And so how does that relate to this? - Well, maybe he needs his bankie. - Yeah, maybe he is a big baby. I think he is Pavlov-ing himself. And to like, maybe he can, I also want to know the frequency. Like, if he's doing this every single day. - Yeah. - That's like a sexual problem. - I think you might be on it with the Pavlov, because I, oh my god, this is like throwing me way back. Oh, we had this one story early to our takes days. And this guy had Pavlov-ed himself that every time he came, he needed to poop. And so he's going to this girl's house and hooks up with her and ends up coming and shits on her floor. - What? - And he was so embarrassed by it, he just ran out. - He's like, spinkters all loose and stuff from it. - He just dropped the log. - Wow. - Yeah, so I could see that with the blankie. - You know, the comments everyone is kind of ew, not normal. You're not rude as hell. That's either some nasty teenage stuff or some bizarre territory marking. - Wait, is he the dog? Is this like a little switcheroo? - He's the dog in the story. - No. OP does, again, say no, this is real, it's husband. Someone shares here, girl. He has no respect for you. Not only is this vile behavior, but telling you to shut up regularly. - Yeah. - Is not on. - Yeah. - He sounds like a petulant teenager, not a life partner. OP says, "I keep thinking he will change. He keeps telling me he will. I honestly want to send him this post. I have no idea what it would do though." - Yeah, again, it's how your partner reacts to you communicating with them. - Yeah. - So it's like, yeah, I think that's the main issue. And yeah, again, telling them to shut up is crazy. - Mm-hmm. This is only five days old. - He probably just came in a blanket as we were talking about this. - Yeah. - Wow. A lot of people link another Reddit post I've read. It's coming from two X chromosomes. And it's titled, he knows he doesn't care. And they just kind of go on to the spiel of like, he understands what he's doing is wrong. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He just doesn't care. And basically being like, "Mam, this is you. This is your life. This is your scenario." - Yeah. - He doesn't care. Because I think it's clear that it's not his problem. - Right. Like it's her problem. - Totally. - Yeah. But again, five days old. No update yet. But looking at OP's account history, a couple other posts, this one is on US military significant other. I'm in a Mill Mill marriage. And I think we need a divorce, but we work together. We're both in that. - We're both in that. - This is the same poster. - Mill Mill. - Mill Mill. - Mill Mill marriage. So they're both in the military. - Oh god. - Military. - Military marriage. - Dependent. - Yes. Okay. - Yes, they're both in the force. Okay. - Yeah. - Both in Air Force. No kids. - Only a couple of years left. And my husband has a couple more after me. The goal was to stagger getting out, blah, blah, blah. Here's the thing. Our relationship is not going well. And while I still love him, I can't shake the feeling that I'm running out of time to get out of this relationship, to find someone who actually treats me with respect and doesn't act like I'm asking for the moon. When I ask them to stop telling me to shut up an argument and to communicate about drinking alcohol before he starts doing it and allow for a two-way conversation about it. - Yeah. - A lot of other details. Just kind of going on like, she doesn't really have any friends. No support system by the sounds of it. And then there is another post coming from our slash Spokane, couple, therapist recommendations. - Interesting. You're in Washington, right? - Yeah. You're good with geography too. - Thank you so much. - Wow. Yeah. I, to be honest, selfishly wish that would have said divorce lawyer recommendations. But I think where her head is kind of at seemingly by these updates, like, very conflicted. Like one post, I think we need a divorce. The next asking for a couple of therapists. So she'll figure it out. - Yeah. I think she's there. She's close. - I think the, while the coming in the blanket is very enticing and seems like the biggest problem. - Clearly they've been having issues and I think this is just the byproduct of not respecting your partner. - Yeah. - And I think that'll happen with, you know, buying groceries. She said she doesn't like, or making the bed the way she doesn't like, or, you know, what time you wake up. Like it'll become so trivial if there's no foundation of respect there. So yes, this seems like a big issue. And while it may be, I think it just follows the same theme of not respecting your partner's wishes. - Yeah. - Maybe that's the biggest lick of it all. - Truly. I'm talking about it. - I'm talking about every single one of these stories is someone not respecting their partner after they say, "Hey, I don't like this. Please don't do it again." - Okay. I'm going to give you this next one, because this is like a spur of the moment. - Okay. - Chance and counter. - Oh. - So this one is coming from R/A-T-A-H, titled, "Am I the asshole for considering breaking up with my fiance because he ran away when we were being attacked?" My fiance, 24-male, and I, 24-female, have been dating for six years. He proposed to me a few months ago, which was the happiest moment of my life. We set our wedding date for this December. However, after what happened last night, I'm seriously considering breaking up with my fiance, and I'm unsure if I'm an asshole. My fiance, my brother and I were all walking back to our car from dinner at a nice restaurant. The car was parked pretty far away as the place was packed, so we had to walk quite some distance. It was late at night, and as we were walking, a person on a bike came to the side of us and stopped us and demanded we give everything we had. My fiance panicked and just ran away. But my brother, after talking to the man for a couple of minutes, just attacked the man, and long story short, my brother beat him up. The man had no weapon. It was just a fake gun. I called my fiance after that and told him everything was fine, and that we would pick him up. My fiance still seemed a bit shaken up after that was so embarrassing. But I did explain to him that everything was all right, and my fiance thanked my brother a lot. However, I just felt extremely weird and sort of disappointed that my fiance just ran away. I understand it was his natural instinct, but just seeing my brother take the attacker down, and in comparison to my fiance just running away, I just felt like I lost a lot of love for my fiance after last night. I spoke with my brother this morning to get his opinion, and he said I should still give my fiance a chance, and that my fiance loves me, and what happened last night is not a normal occurrence. However, I told him I just got a massive ik, and I don't know if this ik will ever go. Am I the asshole? Oh, that's tricky, because it is a knee jerk reaction, it's an instinct. And I feel like I would equally be, like I've never had this happen to me before, but I feel like if my partner took the risk of attacking that person, which is like statistically what you shouldn't do, obviously it's nuanced. I feel like I would also be mad at my partner, being like you put yourself at risk. It's not worth it. Just give him the wallet, throw the wallet, right, whatever they say is more effective. So I feel like there's no great way to handle it, because you're dealing within an unpredictable situation, so there's no great way to go about it. I feel like I could see myself doing what I'm assuming she's doing, which is evaluating what it means, how much does he love me, if he runs and he didn't check on me, or if he didn't take me with him, or I think that's dangerous game to play, because it really, her brother said, isn't a natural occurrence, it's not going to be a continuous thing, and I feel like it may be a little unfair to attribute feelings, but I see how visually it looks like that. It's tricky. I know. It is really tough, because my head would do that same thing too, like what if it was me and our kid? And he left me and our kid. Because I think my first reaction was like, well, he just ran away, but like, did he attempt to grab your hand or was he like solely only concerned about himself in that moment? And there was no regard for you. And I get we cannot predict how we're going to act in these situations. It is scary 100%, but like I wasn't even a thought. I understand the it. I think the it is like very reasonable given all of this. Is it a normal occurrence? No. This isn't hopefully going to happen. often, but like the way it did is still not great. But on the flip hand, I have had another story in the past where this guy was writing in because there was a girl that was like getting mugged or something outside of a bar. And he stepped in, got his ass kicked, and his girlfriend was watching the whole thing. And she got the ick from him helping and getting his ass kicked. Okay, that's so crazy. So I'm like, it's maybe a catch 22 of a situation. Like, you're ick if you don't, and ick if you do, and this is scary. I don't know. But for me, I think the fact you're comparing your boyfriend to how your brother reacted, which again, isn't maybe the recommended method, like, you're kind of putting yourself down a slippery slope of, like, you're gonna curfewtile yourself. I'm just like fuck yourself up with this. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that is tricky. I feel like if it was a, like a physical attack, I think she would be more, not that she's in here, but more justified in saying, like, you let me be at risk and you didn't try to stop an interaction or something. Yeah. But since it was more like a mugging, like a threatening thing, there's again, no right way to go about it. Yeah. Other than like, if he came at her with like a knife, like, I've seen a video, I don't know if you've seen it. It's like CCTV footage of this guy with a knife, trying to stab this guy's girlfriend. What the hell? He doesn't do it successfully. They're like backpacking or whatever. And he runs away. And she's like fighting him on off and everything. That is a, that is a problem. Yeah. That I think is more of a testament. But well, I will say here, the line, the man had no weapon. Right. I bet he was bolstering a weapon. Exactly. And so in this guy's head, as he's running away, he's like, this guy's got a gun. We all just need to run. Right. That's my, my assumption there is that he thought everyone would do the same thing. Because I think I, you always assume that how you react is how everyone is going to react in how you should react. Unfortunately, I've been like spooked by my cat in my house. And I've made the worst sound scream ever. And I'm like, wow, that's really how I would react to an intruder. Like that sucks. Like that's so embarrassing. I hate that. Yeah. I'm a big jump scare. The door dash guy scared me today. Oh, no. I know. I walked out the door as he was walking to the door. Didn't see him. Yeah. And it's going to, you don't have control over that. So I think maybe it was just him assuming everyone was going to do the same thing. And I think, and I think him being very apologetic and also very, um, thanking to the brother of like, thank you so much for doing that. I think that is like hindsight in, yeah, in his position, being like, maybe I didn't react perfectly, but I'm glad you did what you did. I think the fake gun thing like, yeah, and hindsight, it was a fake gun. But I think in that moment, you can't discern whether or not it's a fake gun. And I think, again, there's so many things you could do in that situation. And I think running is one of them. It's fight or flight. And again, it's apples and oranges. It's not the same. No, no one's at fault here. But I'm really glad you do bring that point up because a lot of the comments do pick up on that, basically being like, oh, P, like, you should actually talk to your brother too, because this guy had a toy gun. Like, hmm, again, there's no way to discern. And you could have been down one brother if it had been a real one. Right. Like, your brother doing that isn't necessarily a good response either. That's why I'm like, I feel like I would be mad at my partner. If he, and I've talked, I'm like the one person that if I honk at someone and they pull up to me next to a red light, I duck, because I'm, I'm like, I'm going to get shot. They hate me. I worry about that constantly and I'm constantly like, I don't flash if someone's lights are off and sucks. It was like a gang initiation thing like 2008 or something. The moms are still talking about that on Facebook. My mom was all about that. Yeah. And so I, I've had discussions with my partner where I'm like, if it comes down to it, if someone, you know, because we lived in New York for like a year, just drop the wallet, throw the phone. I don't care. I don't want you to be, you know, you know, so it's honestly like a good conversation to have. Like, I think it's great. And especially in place. I'm a warrior. And of course, you know, knock on wood. Hopefully it'll never happen. But if it does, it's actually good to have those, those communications prior to it happening. We need to add this to like the, we're putting together a list of like questions you should ask your partner. Yeah. It's like, how would you react? Yeah. Like, what's our plan? I'm going to be for if we ever get mugged. And like, even like, we have a safe word that I have a safe word with my family now too. It's for the AI calls, a hundred percent. And it's like, if we use just like a random name of someone, none of our friends have this name. It's not common. Yeah. And if I ever text it or if I ever say it on the phone, it means to immediately check my location and send 911 to that location. So like, that's, we have fail safes. This is so good. Again, it's partly dumb because it's my anxiety. But in these instances, it's important to know how your partner wants you to react. If both of you are a game to put yourself at risk during a mugging with a suspected weapon, that's a choice that you both make. But if one person goes for it and the other person doesn't, that choice is being made for them. And I think that's important. We're like, I don't know if the brother did the right thing in this, in this, you know, scenario. I'm with him. And like statistically, like, if someone's like, brandishing a weapon, more often than not, if they wanted to see you, they would. And that's like a whole thing. If they're showing it, they won't do it, whatever. But I think it's important to not make a decision for a group like that. But then also it's like, you don't have time to discuss that. So again, it's I think you do the best you can with what you know. Yeah. But I wouldn't blame people for how they react. Well, there's a comment here too that basically says, I can't blame her. I also can't blame him. But no one wants a person they can't rely on. And I think that's like true. Like, where are your core feelings coming from right now? Like, is it you felt like he didn't care about you in that moment? Or yeah, you're nervous to depend on him going forward. And can you sort that out? And if you can't, like, yeah, you might not be able to proceed forward with this person. But it's a really, this is just a really, I think it's about the communication that happens after again, and how they react to that. Like if if he is, you know, saying, I'm so glad you're okay. I'm sorry. This is how I reacted. Or if he's like, I thought we were all running. Or I think it would be smart next time if we ran, you know, doubling down on his position. I think it's the intent behind that that kind of matters because hopefully this doesn't happen again. But you have to be on the same page with your partner if it assumes risk for both of you. Well, a lot of people were asking, they're like, did he call 911? Yeah. Did he go look for help? Right. Did he look back at all like to check, you know, that's important. Well, because OP did say, like, I called him after and I said, we can come pick him up. Did he just keep running? He was not walking distance. Like, where did he go? Because your first thought again, okay, fight or flight. You flight. Right. Right. You're gone. Yeah. What? Flood. Flood. Thank you. And so it's like, okay, your way. There's some space. Now where's your head? Are you still cool, a man running down the street? Right. Or it's like, oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I left them there. I should look for help. I should call cops. I should like then, but depending on what his next steps were, yeah, that would be probably a deal breaker for me. Yeah. Because then I think, again, knee-jerk reaction, more often than not, it's going to be out of your control. But the moments after I think are telling of, like, did you glance over your shoulder? Did you go into an alley and call 911? Did you shout at them? Or did you, like, they're, that I think is where I'm like, am I even on your mind, you know, in this moment? I think that's, I don't know if they gave any clarity there, but I think that's like the more telling part, that if you wanted to dissect this and attribute it to his feelings toward you, I think that would, the after would be the more appropriate moment rather than like the actual action. Yeah. OP gets a lot of advice. I mean, top comment on the original post has 15k of votes, and they basically say, whether the change in your feelings about your fiance makes you an asshole or not, you would not be doing either of you any favors by staying with him out of guilt. You feel what you feel. And again, like a lot of people are like, awesome, 15k of votes, reasonable answer here. Right. And then we do get an update. Update comes one day after the original post. I have broken up with my fiancee. No. I did it this quick. He started clinging blankets because you mentioned the same girl. Like, oh my god, he's back. He's back. I did it this quick because it was not fair to him or to me to keep this relationship just stringing along. Yes, I loved him a lot and will always cherish the memories I had with him. But after the incident last night, I just don't have that same love for him anymore, and I don't think I ever will. To be clear, I don't blame him for what he did in running away. It was his natural instinct, and I completely understand that. But when my brother instinctively stepped in front of me to shield me from the attacker in comparison to my fiancee, just running away scared, it pretty much evaporated most if not all of my feelings for my fiancee. I've just learned about myself that one of my love languages is safety and security. I let my fiance know, and I apologized, and I told him I don't blame him at all for what happened the previous night. My fiance was devastated, and he did cry a lot. But after some time, he said he understood my decision. I still feel guilty about it, because my fiancee is a really kind and sweet man, but it also wouldn't be fair to him if my heart wasn't in it. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves him for who he is. I deserve to find someone who I wholly love. - Yeah, that's tricky. I think it's good that she did a lot of introspection, I hope, in that she wouldn't want to drag him along if her feelings were gone. I think I would then question how grounded were those feelings, I think, prior to this? - It's one of the things I've never been in that scenario and I'm sure the shock of it and the dissecting of it could have me questioning the dynamic of my relationship but it's a shame that it was something out of his control and so I think it's too pronged where it's like I'm glad she isn't stringing along in that I don't think it's a testament to their relationship and not to like-- - Fair enough, quick too. - Yeah, just a total flip, right, which I think I would have loved for her to get a therapy console to like really, 'cause it is a traumatic event that is something that you both went through and maybe they would have some wise words on like what that actually means, you know? - I think you bringing that up too is a really good point 'cause this is again very traumatic and someone has a comment here on the update. Trauma is a very divisive experience. People either become much closer or they break up. You did the right thing, no assholes here and that is no assholes here. You got the ick, it was irreversible. - Yeah, you're both moving on and we'll find your people. - Yeah, I want to honestly go as far to say, it's like not an ick 'cause I think even that word, I feel like it's been weaponized against. - Okay, men and I'm, I'm, I'm their advocate, no. But I think it is like in relationships, like I don't get the ick from my partner because I love him in everything he does. - Oh, if I see-- - Even if I don't like, if I find something he does cringey, it's just that 'cause I'm sure I do things. - So you think that ick is like really? How do you define ick? - I think specifically women, I think tend to attribute something they don't like or that they wouldn't choose their partner to do as an emotionally altering moment. And I don't think that's fair. I think no. - No. - Dislike something our partner does or like let's say they use baby talk and we don't like that. I think it's just a dislike and I think we feel that emotion of like, ooh, I don't like that you did that. And we almost attribute it to like attraction or who that's gross or this makes you a different person where I think maybe that is appropriate. - Yeah. - But I think there is a different word for it rather than like, wow, that made me not like you as much or this is cringey or gross or you're less of a man or whatever. - ick for me equals cringey. And then you have irreversible icks which we're getting into today, which are kind of like, they're beyond an ick. But I do think like a great example of like an ick is like when you see someone kicking their feet underwater, that's so cute to me. - You are just an angel. - No, I think, but again, I think I and I know that feeling. Like I've had I guess what you could label an ick where you feel almost like embarrassed that. - Okay. - Yeah. - And you feel that for the other person. And I think it's a very uncomfortable feeling and I think that discomfort has us then feeling resentment anger or disgust. - Oh, yes. I like to call it secondhand embarrassment. Other people just say empathy. - But that's a thing. I think secondhand embarrassment, specifically with women. When we view it on men, I think we then have, I think the feeling we get with secondhand embarrassment is then triggering of we want to have it for some reason be like malicious or bad or that's weird and they shouldn't do it again. When it was just, I think that secondhand embarrassment. - Yeah. - And I could be wrong. I could be like ignorant to it. And I'm just like- - I like your way of explaining my partner, but I have felt that feeling before and I catch myself feeling like if my partner did this thing in the movies the other day during a trailer in a 70 millimeter showing of the Odyssey. So there are like real film people there, right? And we're like in a gray, we're like right in the middle. And him and I have been joking about that movie and how it's so stupid. No one else around us knows that we think that movie is stupid. And after the trailer ends before the Odyssey, he goes, "Yes!" (laughing) And of course it was a joke between us, but I felt that pain of secondhand embarrassment because no one here knows that we think it's a stupid movie. They think that he's so damn excited to watch this fucking movie. And I felt that and I feel like someone could label that as an egg when I assessed that I had that emotion, I then was angry because I was uncomfortable with that emotion that I felt and I didn't want it to happen again. And so I was like, "That's weird." And I put a label on it. When it's something that I felt, it's not necessarily his fault that it caused me to feel that way. It was just like this. - No, it was more on you. I would say it's more on the picture. - I think that, right. I think that's the problem is we put it on. - Yeah, I've got a good example too. So the day I'm sitting here, I was in this chair, my dad and my husband had just gotten done recording my dad's podcast. And my dad was like, "Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom "and then I'm gonna leave." And Justin goes, "Oh, does Jerry need to make a poopy?" - Ick, Ick, Ick, Ick. No, and he said it in a baby voice. And I'm not a baby talker, you know? - Right. - Whatever floats your boat. - Right, my boat has a lot of holes if you baby talk, right? I'm singing. And just, "Jerry needs to make a poopy." Or whatever he said, I'm like, "Make a poopy, Ick." - That was an Ick for me. - I think it's like the response you have when you feel an Ick. And I think that's kind of what was happening with that girl who had a preference of height and penis size. And she felt those and she needed to verbalize it. And I think it becomes malicious if you, again, you feel an uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment or dissatisfaction and you need that person to know. And sometimes it just comes across of like standing outside a shower or kicking your feet in water. I think to put a negative connotation on sometimes feminine traits that men have, which I think that goes down the rabbit hole of life. - I like that. - You know what I mean? It's like, "Oh, when he's like too nice to his mom." I'm like, "Okay, we can't have it both ways. We can't want more feminine qualities in men and more soft and more gentle and caring." And then also shame when that happens. - Yeah, no, that I hate. So again, it's like-- - No. - And I don't want to be too much of a male apologist. But I think there is, with the Ick, I've always had my thoughts about it 'cause I feel like it's putting negativity on something that-- - Just like anything. - It can go too far or be taken the wrong way. - So sure, girl, I do the weird-- - Oh my god, I do the weirdest shit. You've seen me-- - We would like to! - I am a walking Ick. - No, I'm a horny on the cob. - I'm on there. - I love that though. Your little skits dress them up as Hamilton. - To you. - The Odyssey, it gave me life. But no, I think when people twist it and I just saw another post where it's probably gonna be red, I think on our Patreon. But this woman is basically being like, my mother-in-law won't stop harassing my husband and basically implying that he's gay because he'll do crafts with me. And it's just like, when you take it for someone that could be an Ick, he likes crafts, Ick. That's just-- - Don't be mean. - Don't be mean. - Right. - I was saying, oh, does Jerry need to make a poopy? That's understandable, I think, right, everyone? Like, I think there's levels. - Yeah, I think the word has been twisted to the point where like now when it's used, I'm like, how real is, how bad is putting that word on it? - Let's get into that, let's get into that. - Yeah. I've got one last one for you. - Okay. - We'll see what you think about this one. It's coming from "Am I the asshole?" Titled, "Am I the asshole for spending all day on the lake?" They're away, my girlfriend knows my main account. I, 26-male, have been with my girlfriend, 25-female, for about two years. Last week, I invited her to come camping with me near lake. It's a really nice lake, and I've been wanting to take the canoe out on it for a while. My girlfriend can't swim and doesn't like the water. But I figured she could spend the day at the site and relax with her book. The first morning, I asked her if she wanted to come out on the water, and she said, no. And I said, okay, you're lost. And I started loading up the boat by myself. She asked how long it'd be gone, and I just said, not sure, depends how it feels out there, which I thought was the end of it. I ended up being out there for around five hours. It was genuinely so nice out there, super quiet, and the weather was fantastic. I paddled around to this little inlet on the far side of the lake, and I just sat there for a while and joined the scenery and reading a bit. And I just lost track of time completely. When I got back, she was sitting on the dock, and she looked upset. She said she'd been alone all day in the middle of nowhere with no cell service, and no way to reach me. I told her, that's exactly why I go out there on the water. Hey, brought you on here, bitch. To actually disconnect for once, and that if she wanted a company, she could have just worn a life jacket and been perfectly safe. It's not like the lake is even that deep near the shore. The rest of the trip was really weird after that, and it felt like I wasn't allowed to go out on the lake anymore, which was one of my big reasons for going camping in the first place. She says that she was worried that something had happened to me. I suppose I could have come back sooner, but I probably would have just gone out soon after. she does. know that I've gone canoeing before. So I feel like she should have trusted that I was fine. Am I the asshole? Communication, like that's, it's, if you wanted to go out on the lake for a long time, it's just communicating with your partner. Cause then it's like, do you want to be out here for five hours? Yeah. If you did know you were going to be five hours, you could say, Hey, like, if I want to be out longer, I'll come back. I'll let you know, we can then decide, you know, what you want to do. If you want to go back, if you want to join me this time, but like, do a little check in, I think it's really just like stranding your partner against their will. No, sell service. She can't swim. So then blaming her just comfort is not fair, either. Um, no, if she does not know how to swim, it's honestly, it's not safe for her to go canoeing across the lake. Right. And then I always, I always hate the thing of, um, putting it on the partner of like, well, you could have done this. And then you would have, if you wanted something to do, you should have just done it. Yeah. That's not a solution. That's you looking, putting it on them. So, yeah, I think communication checking back in or like choosing an activity that you both can enjoy equally, that go camping with some buddies. Yeah. Like, maybe this wasn't your activity. Or, Hey, like, let's go camping. This would be a great time for me to teach you how to swim. You just said it's shallow near the shore. Right. Let's start learning. Yeah. How do you paddle? How to float? Right. Shredding water. Like teach her how to swim. You've been together for two years. Yeah. If camping canoing and being around water is a big priority for you, seeming like it is 100%. Teach her how to swim. Right. And if she's truly not interested, doesn't want to learn how to swim cool camp with friends. Right. Yeah. And join it. Also like the big on joining the club, please. I also feel like the, the whole argument of like, I'm obviously safe. I've done this before. That will never calm the mind of someone that loves and cares about you because everyone who's ever accidentally died on a canoe has said that they knew what they were doing and that they would be safe. Like, that's how it happens. Right. So I don't, I think it's a bunch of non-ungrounded rebuttals to her argument. I don't think they stick. They're not appropriate. Yeah. This would, this would really bug me if I was for her. And I think he lack of consideration. I think it's, it is kind of going back. Like, isn't it? Or an overall lack of respect. Yeah. And that's, I think, where it's appropriate to, I think sometimes the word it could be an overreaction. Sometimes it could be an underreaction. Like, I think that is more than I think what people would say, isn't it? I think that's like a trait or an attribute to that person of like, do you respect your partner? Is the first thing in your mind when you're out there for four hours? Like, are you thinking about her? You're like, what is she doing right now? Is empathetic? Is she tired? Is she worried? And if aren't, if those aren't thoughts that are coming across, I think that's more than an ik. That's, I think, immature to your like, an issue that needs to be addressed. You just kind of blew my mind a little bit. Did I? Yeah, because I think that is such a great way to say it to where it could be an underreaction. Yeah. And I think that's the best way to put it because a lot of times we get into these problems, these situations and it's like, I'm overreacting or your partner makes you feel like you're overreacting based on their reaction. And you're like, well, I just kind of, I got the ik. And it's like, it's this feeling like I'm telling you to shut up and you're like, oh, that's such an ik. It's like, no, that's not an ik. That's actually really a genuine issue. Right. An ik could be an underreaction. It can diminish, I think. And so I think it's like a vice for people because I don't think they're, I think it's just for lack of a better term for a lot of people. And they don't know, or they don't want to say, like, hey, my partner may be verbally abusive. They don't want to say that. So they say, like, oh, the way he talks to me is an ik. So I think it's, it's dangerous in both regards. I think it was fun when it was coin. And it was a way for mainly women, sometimes men to say, like, oh, this is something my partner does that bothers me embarrassment. Or it was more playful from the start. Like I think it started with like, oh, thinking about my, my partner sitting in the car waiting for it to warm up or whatever. Like, it's cute. It's playful. It's nothing, you know, it's nothing to take into serious consideration. But then I think it started treading into, oh, hey, he says these things and it really hurts my feelings. That's such an ik or, oh, he does crafts with me. That's such an ik. So I think it kind of blew itself out of, you know, the pendulum is swinging from two different sides. And honestly, I think you need to do a PSA about X. I know. I think it really needs to be broken down because like, I think again, what you said of like an ik could be an under reaction. And that is just like really clicking with me. Yeah. Because it is such a human thing to do to like give people the benefit of the doubt or like kind of like be the devil's advocate for them. And it's like, no, no, no, he does love me. It's not that bad or yeah, this or that. But it's like, oh, he just told me shut up. I just, I got the ik and it's like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, your spider senses are tingling. Yeah. Glasses are coming off. It's not an ik, like, no, it's genuine. Right. We might have to change the title. It's going to be interesting. I don't think in the world, everyone's going to get to the end of the episode. They're going to be like, you started off with something totally different. But then we arrived somewhere. I think that's the point. I think it's going to, it's amazing to have that that journey of that. Absolutely amazing. I also could be, I could be ignorant on like the true meaning of it. And I could chime in. Guys, this is why you chime in. That's the whole thing. I think it's, it's risky to put a definitive definition on something with such nuanced situations and such relationships. I have a very different relationship than I know a lot of people do. We know each other for a very long time. So for me to speak on new relationships or, you know, especially in like the digital world of like online dating or age gap dating or queer dating, like I am taking my specific nuanced situation and putting it on that. Yeah. So even everything I say here is a grain of salt and always, always, always. That's the thing. It's like, that's why I think the term Ick is, is tricky because it's putting such a defined label on such nuanced situation. No, I really, I really appreciate this. And again, I'm not sure what the title is going to be now. Icar under reaction. I'm not sure. I know you do need to do a PSA. Just say Ash becomes and blankets. I'm cool with them. All right. And main, main description. First line. No, actually no description. Just that. I give you a crazy thumbnail. We're going to get there. Right. So overall vote on this one. Tarapasala. Overall vote was, asshole. I think just needs work. You're giving needs work. Okay. I don't think it's off. Do you're the asshole? Yeah, soft soft. You should have known better. Okay. Reddit has branded him asshole. Yeah. Reddit does that. Top comment. With only 634 votes right now, you're the asshole. You left her alone for five hours with no way of contacting you or anyone else. You told her it was her loss for not going out of canoe. When you know that she cannot swim and does not like the water, wearing a life jacket doesn't magically make a person suddenly able to swim. Do you even like your girlfriend? Next comment down. I'd like to add a canoe is not the way you can win someone who can't swim to go out on the water either. It is a very shaky vessel. Uh huh. Yeah. They go on. You can't even place a foot in one without it feeling like it's going to tip. And they do tip. They do tip. And then you're underneath them. And it's some people just tip them for fun. That's like part of the sport. It is flipping around in white water. I'm like, what are we doing? Splash each other with their little paddles. Like massacres. I don't understand it. Yeah. A lot of you're the asshole. You're the asshole. The okay, your loss is very manipulative and snarky. Agreed. It's all she wrote. Wow. This was great. I need to go and read it more, but I need to not look at my name. Stop looking at your name. I don't have a sub sub read it or whatever. Like an Ursula. Okay. Okay. You could make it. I don't want to make it. That's the thing. It's like I like seeking myself out, you know, when organically I'm talked about, but I don't want to invite the internet to be like, what do you guys think? That's my biggest tell me a little bit about me. No, you've been an absolute pleasure to have. I'm like, I didn't know you were so like healed and healthy and just like, I mean, you're very like you're tapped in. Thank you. I've been in therapy for quite some time at a very young age. But part of that is like, it's never done. The work's never done. Never done, you know, never done. No. I obviously loved having you. I'd love to have you back. Oh, please. Anytime. Where can people find you though? At Ashby, ASHBY on Instagram, on TikTok, on YouTube, and on Twitch, and on Snapchat. Everywhere. And on threads. Kill me with a spoon on my threads. All of Ashby's links will be in the description. Really easy to find. Go follow, subscribe, watch the content. Again, the Odyssey stuff is like, I'm just I'm cackling. Like, it's so funny, so funny, but that's all I got. So until next time, friends, bye! [BLANK_AUDIO]