136: IRL Kayfabe with Chris Faga | Soder Podcast | BONUS EP

Hey everybody, if you are in Key West, Florida June 1st and June 2nd, I'm going to be doing comedy Key West, go to dansoder.com to get those tickets. Got a huge announcement coming up of all the clubs I'm going to be hitting soon including the comedy vault in Batavia. We got New York comedy club in Stanford. That's going to be awesome. The port in Baltimore and a bunch of other clubs were I'm working on the building in the new hour so we're going to have an announcement soon with a poster and everything. It's not a tour because it's not really a tour. It's just me on the road building a new hour. DanSoder.com for tickets. Enjoy the episode. Because for those of you that don't know, Wrestle Kingdom is new Japan pro wrestling. It usually is there. It's their WrestleMania. It's always on New Year's or like a couple days after New Year's, but it's on crazy, it's Japan. It's Tokyo. It's time. And they sell out the Tokyo Dome, 100,000 people. Some of the best matches you'll ever see. Half, I mean, Osprey Omega. I'm an Omega guy. So Osprey Omega. That was great. I mean, Cato Omega. I mean, but you go back to like Shinsuke Nakamura, all his matches when he was like the I.C. They're him versus AJ Styles is a great match. They like completely flubbed in WWE like. That WrestleMania match. For those of you that remember the WrestleMania match between Nakamura and Styles at WrestleMania, it was before WrestleMania broke into two days. Yeah. And it was like a nine hour pay-per-view. And you felt the audience go like, and that was the match everyone was stoked for. Yeah. Because there's two indie guys or a New Japan guy and an indie guy. It's four and a half hours in though. It was so tiring. I can't imagine like sitting, that was, was that the one in New York? Yeah, I remember. That was that MetLife. I hung out with you. Like, even like I was like, people were like, do you want to go to that? There's like, you can get tickets online for not that expensive. I'm like, dude, I've watched five live wrestling shows. Like I went with you to the busted open thing that you did. Great. And then Cadillus wrestling get a show that I worked. And then I like went to super card. And then I was just like, I didn't even want to watch WrestleMania. I was just like, there's just been so much indie. I went to like random indie shows and brought all that week of. Yeah. I was just so exalted. I remember like Scott Chaplin went to like, he was like, we were watching something. We were watching NXT doing live commentary at gas. And Scott was like, I got to leave now. I got to go to a show. And I'm just like, did you come from the show? It is like when you grow up and you meet dudes that are really horny. And you realize you go, oh, I don't think I've ever been horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they go like, no, I need it again right now. And you go, what? You're not satiated with just, you know, guy whose girlfriend leaves and calls a hooker. Yeah, yeah, like, those guys, I'm always like, man, that to me in my mind, as someone that can't drink anymore, just because I do it too much. I think that's the worst of all. Food addiction I think is the worst. Like when those people are like, morbidly obese. The only thing that broke me of food addiction was COVID restaurants close because I was like a fancy food. Really? Yeah, dude, when I started doing open mics, I would get so depressed. I mean, my thirties and I was like flush with cash at the time. Sure. I would literally do an open mic and then go to like Mariah by myself. I need a 12-course meal and then go do two more open mics just to take the beating just to get through. That does sound almost like a, so like a weird way of SNM with food and comedy. So like, because I used to be so fat and like, by that point, I was 300 pounds at my fattest. And then I just like, I think I ever knew you fat. You knew me like chunky. Like I had re-chunked. Okay. Like, you know what I mean? Like it's, and my weight has gone up and down like a bunch, but like it's been like pretty steady since COVID happened. But like I was like the way like, you know, like a heroin addict like lays out their needles because they just got out of the joint. You know what I mean? Like that's how I was with food once I got skinny. Like I was like methodical with it. Like I was like, what would you say? Because you always need to ask, if you were a sex addict, I would ask what's the best night of sex you ever had. If you were a, I'll go to LinkedIn. I'll go to LinkedIn. What's that? LeBernadenne. LeBernadenne. I also buy myself. I would go to these restaurants by myself. So that's the best. I would go to a three Michelin restaurant in Hong Kong alone. Okay. Let me ask. So let me ask the question clean. What is the best meal you've ever had? LeBernadenne was my favorite. And where is that? That's him in Manhattan. In Manhattan. Yeah. Three Martin restaurant. Three star Michelin restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of food? It's like mostly seafood, but it's like a 12 course thing. And then I like ordered some avocado. They just like threw me stuff. My favorite place to go though for a while was there was this place boule, which was two Michelin stars, but they had the best deal for lunch. Oh. That's like a sex. That's like a sex addict in those strip clubs. Yeah. You go on a Tuesday. You get more attention. When I was fat, I was like a strip club guy. Yeah. Because I was eating junk. Yeah. And then when I lost the weight, I was like, I can get pussy now. Yeah. So I was just like, I'm just going to fucking fancy as restaurants. So my, my feeling with fancy restaurants is the same feeling I have whenever I've like gotten behind the wheel of like a very powerful car. Okay. Where I go, this is wasted on me. I say, give me a Nissan maxima. And I feel like I'm in a race car. Okay. Like I go to like a decent restaurant. And I'm like, this is really nice to me. But guys like Tim Dylan's very similar to that. Yeah. Tim Dylan's the only person. Ralph too. Yeah. But Tim is the only person I know whose pocketbook caught up to his tastes. So like he would do that. But he had no money. But he'd be like, we're going to go get this fantastic meal. Yeah. So now when you're around him, you're like, I feel like you're the only other person I've ever met where we need to get your, we need to get your pocketbook flush again. Oh, it's gonna be a problem. It would be a problem. It wouldn't really. So nobody was just describing me. They had like a guest and I, Jerry and chef at Keens. My buddy Keith was just saying Keens steakhouse. Yeah. And he was like, yo, he's like hanging a tomahawk. He's like, I ate a tomahawk for two to the face on my birthday. And he was like, it was just basically they hang this steak. They chargrilla. And then like, the juice is all dripping into this plate. And then they make a shoe at a hotel. I was like, I would go eat that alone right now. I would sit there. No headphones on. Yeah. Just sit there methodically eating just like a serial killer. I'm just casually hacking it apart. And I would go to this place because I'm like a fucking mook, even like the places you have to wear a jacket. Like that place to the Bernadette. I'm in there and I'm wearing a nice sport coat or whatever. Sure. And this guy's looking at me weird from like another table. He was just like, why is this guy looking at me? And then I realized he's like, oh, I have like a $200 watch on and he's got a $20,000 protect for leap on. And he's like, why are we eating the same meal peon? That's got that's got to be that's the jealousy in the strip club where the old guy that comes and gives a lot of money. And then the stripper sees a cute young guy that's paying her. And then he's like, no, I'm the one giving you the big one. That's the same jealousy. Dude, that column's bachelor party. Pimp was there. This girl was just sitting and talking to me the whole time. Like a young girl pretty. And she just like didn't get a lap dance from her once. She was just chatting the whole time. And she's just like, you just remind me. And I find it's go, is it your boyfriend? Are you talking about your boyfriend? It's like, I don't care that you have a boyfriend. She's just like, she's just like, yeah. And I was like, that's fine. I was like, you were saving me so much fucking money by sitting here. No, nobody else has asked me to get a dance. And I would have wasted because I was fucking, you know, it's bachelor party. I was all fucked up. Yeah. And he's like, did you guys on Legion of Skanks? When that group, you guys like stopped by Legion of Skanks. I think before you went out, the coke eyes on everyone when I watched that episode, because Colin was like, come to my bachelor party. You got to come to my bachelor party. And I was like, I don't know, man. I don't really do well in bachelor. I would probably say the two things I don't do anymore at all are Vegas and bachelor parties. Okay. Because I don't drink. Yeah, without booze. And I've been to, I've been to it with it. I can't go without it. So the boot, like, that's the thing. It's like, you can't, I can't be around strippers without booze. Like, it's like, when people are like, this place is bottomless, but there's no boot. I'm like, yeah, but I can't suspend the disbelief. Like, I can't, like, you have to suspend disbelief in the only way that you're suspending disbelief in a strip club is like three shots, seven beers. You need to be wrapped, two lumps. You need to be so drunk. You feel like you're in a rap video. Yeah. Where they're just dancing because you're so cool. They just want to dance on you. It's for you. Yes. Yeah. Because when you go in and you have any sort of connection of humanity in a strip club, place feels way different. Place feels way different. Yeah. You just go in and you're like, oh, you're dancing because you're sad and you need the money. But when you're drunk, you're like, God, damn, I make you horny. Don't I? Here's 20 bucks. Yeah. They're like, oh, daddy. The funniest was, um, I mean, shit. I'm still mad at Chris Rock for lying to me about the no sex in the champagne room thing. Yeah. That's a absolute lie. What a lie and piece of shit. That is an absolute lie. There's a lot of sex in the champagne room. Yeah. There was a weirded out if you don't try. Have you ever, did you ever go to mantra all those strip clubs? Because you grew up in New York. I went to one or two when I was up there the last time. But it's like, here's the thing. It's like, if you're in a spot like that. So it's like, you meant, oh, it was when I, I saw you in Montreal all that time. Remember I was up there with a bunch of my boys randomly when JFL was going on and we were just drinking. It was before I was even doing stand up. I was just drinking. But I like went to, Stanley was doing bending to you were doing a comedy 101 and paperface closed it. So he's a strip club guy. Do you need a guy like that? I've seen him tip strippers with a mozzarella stick. That's so funny. Like, what is there the reaction to getting tipped with a mozzarella stick? Dude, he's just such a strip club guy that they're into it. Like he speaks the lingo. Dude, it's just like, they just see him and they're just like, oh, this is gonna be fun. Like he walks in with a box on his head. Like he'll do it. He dude, he did a rap show at this place, liquid assets that was on one of those like haunted fucking uh, place shows. Like, he did a strip club. He did a when it was a haunted strip club. It was it was on one of these like haunted place shows. The owners like a character like an Italian. Yeah, yeah, they would have like Jada kiss there and like Juel Santana would do a show and then the guy just saw Pape with the with the bag on one at the club one night and he was like oh you rap Why don't you do a show here? And then at one point he got paid in a bottle of sriracha great. Yeah, what flavor? Probably grape More than like more than likely grape and then I remember at one point like the strippers We just annoyed just a bunch of us that were there to hang out with him and then like some of us We're kind of like getting lap dances and stuff But you could tell that like the regulars were pissed off because it wasn't like a famous rapper. No, it was just this guy Yeah, and all of the mic you hear this old Italian guy go Yeah, that was paperface. Uh, you know, see paperface again real soon because even if you don't like paperface I love paperface great. That's what you want you want the under the strip club being like I had a great time tonight Yeah, this was a blast the girls are mad, but I'm having a blast. Yeah, I basically own them Yeah, he goes, they don't know where their real families are. I got them out of a shipping crate That's the reason like booze does help those things with with meals. Do you like to drink? Yeah, I'll have like a cup, but like I'm not getting drunk Yeah, like it's like I'll like order a drink while I'm waiting for the first course and then I'll have like a glass of wine Like maybe I like 11 Madison Park does like some really good cocktails and like I knew the head bartender at one point So I would do the cocktails there because the guy even like kind of knew what I liked you know what I mean So it's like kind of that people that move through the restaurant world of New York always impress me Cuz they always like know where to go. Oh, my friends like that. I got a buddy I grew up with that moved here and he's like can moves through the world where he's like Oh, they got a new chef like that sense where it's like. Oh, they got a new chef at this restaurant Yeah, how do you know that? We're one of the trades that you're reading? Well, if you just work I mean because you only worked at the one restaurant here, right? I worked at I only worked at one restaurant in New York And it was like those Camino's it was at the time of B.R. Guest restaurant. Okay. B.R. Guest owned a Lot of restaurants. They owned like Ruby Fuz. Okay, um, but all those are kind of real Bewater grill. Oh, those are all like high-end chains. You know what it was because you you're a fancy restaurant guy. They were nice Applebees like a McCormick and Schmicks or something like that. I would say yeah, I would say it's a little below that it was So when I lived in Arizona you would you would watch these these things when I lived in Tucson You would see these apartment complex go up. Mm-hmm. It's the desert. You can build wherever these apartment complex would go up and they'd be Huge with a pool and it would be like the coolest apartment complex at the University of Arizona for two years Everyone would be like you go into you're going to like star ranch Are you going to like all these like uni house? You're gonna go to these and it's these giant buildings But then you would go and like I had friends that lived there I lived at one eventually. Okay, and then you go in and you go. Oh, this is made really shitty This is made like they pop this up They put a pool in they made it a party place the drywall is like paper thin. Yeah, yeah It just kept it to fall in office as you move in. Yeah, it looks really nice for the first two years by year five You're like this is a shit apartment complex. Okay, so that is kind of the feeling There was two sound like so I've only been a two sound once it was also to visit somebody at U of A who was managing a strip club in his spare time TD TD is probably TD's West or TD's East maybe no, it was only one location I met the guy who was the son of the owner of TD's like just in the street that night and he like Hold a fucking gun out and just ran away. That's fun. I was like whoa That was the weirdest he just pulled the gun and there was like I was wearing like a Yankee hat So we started talking to me and my boy who came with me and my boy who was out there in U of A Just started talking to us about New York and how he's been here a bunch of times and he was like he's like Yeah, I don't even remember the name my buddy Kevin was managing the strip I don't even remember the name of the club, but he was like oh, yeah, it was owns this one centerfolds Maybe centerfolds is Denver. What was the other one dude? It's like yeah over 10 years ago There's no way I'm gonna remember the name of the strip club But he was like yeah, they own this one and then then he was like my dad owns this one and then this one and then he goes And we're talking for like 10 minutes and he just goes oh, yo, I got beef with that guy and just goes into his glove box Pulse that in nine clocks it and just starts running and I looked at my boys. I'm like we got to go Yeah, do just a hot up. Yeah, I didn't hear any gun shots. I don't know what the fuck happened to sound was wild No, not for nothing like the bars are fun very fun great college town great college town And very fun if you're like gonna live there and fuck around for a little bit. Yeah inexpensive the desert's fucking great You just got in the desert fucking blast the cactus with a shotgun did that I got to do that with an AK-47 Which is also yeah. Oh really? Oh dude you just go out to the desert shoot shit Yeah, my buddy my dollar store and buy a bunch of shit just blast it to my buddy My buddy Jersey Mike So I still see I'm not gonna give his legal name because I'm well now he owns this chain of sub shots I did that was so very bad came out and he was like fuck cuz his nickname calls is Jersey Mike and then now Danny DeVito and Eli are pushing his commercials But he had an AK-40 he had a couple a couple of guns, okay, but he would you be hung over on a Saturday Yeah, you'd be like you I got the desert shoot shit in exactly what you go by a junk store. Yeah, you know what the best time Was to do it is now January because it was warm enough to go outside and all the Christmas shit was like 75% off so you buy like those plastic in Arizona you can get a black Santa for like a nickel they don't even want it They're like that's a miss print. That's a miss print. You go Santa can be black for black people They are that's a miss print. You don't have any. Yeah, it's the prior joke. There are no brothers in Arizona Yeah, but they really we just go shoot shit and you would like go out to the desert and like you had a truck You just put his bed down and you like lay out all the shit, you know shoot guns smoke a joint and go back into the city Also, you could go to gun ranges there, which is something that I would do because you can rent guns and swap them out right man You could you could rent like really cool guns and be like well I would never be able to shoot this you could do that in fucking Colorado where you're from right? Yeah, but not as easy Okay, Arizona it was like on every block. Yeah, you could it was a stone throw from anywhere. You were you like I would go shoot guns over there Yeah, it was good mild roommate It's like it was like it's like pool halls in the 90s in New York. Yeah, they were just everywhere dude. We My roommate who I if you watch the comedy central story about us get robbed when he sold weed the gun he bought He just like went to a gun show and was like It's just some long Island dude. He's like, yeah, what's the cheapest gun you got? I remember the guy at the gun show went what he was like cheapest gun that you have and he's like That's not a good thing Yeah, I'm here thought he was getting like a deal. He was like now on a deal and then he bought a gun that we took That was one of the reasons we went to the range for the first time. Okay, cuz he's like I want to try this out and it shot Like it's shot bad and like carried to the life. I had to do the I don't know what that is in the gun world But I was like this doesn't work you did you do the angel at Lena Joly and Just to even just even to clip the target. Yeah, but yeah I would Tucson was like a great place that's that has a feeling of lawlessness. Yeah, yeah, it has a feeling of like People that live here the guy that um Mario Puzzo Based the godfather on retired in Tucson. Oh really because they had you drive by you know, this was like when you would drive around and smoke weed And my friend was like godfather house. I forget where it was in Tucson But it was the former head of the mob you could probably look it up retired to Tucson Damn, so there's people there that you have that feeling where you're like that guy pulling the gun out You go well, you're too crazy for New York. Yeah Yeah, cuz if you just did that in New York, you'd be in jail We're in jail for and put your rikers and they go like we're not letting you out. Yeah, yeah You're gonna die of starvation somewhere. Yeah, but Tucson. There's almost this like embracing of the lawlessness Yeah, it's very cowboyish, which is like the opposite of I was actually gonna ask you this like you said there's things would be shitty in two years There's two sound of the same need for places with divorce dads that like Phoenix does probably Probably I just didn't know it cuz I was in college Mm-hmm. So I was just witnessing that where I was like oh, they just build these apartment complexes and kind of let them rot That's a little bit of what be our guest did they would like build these restaurants that were like super cool Okay, and like in demand when I worked it dose comminos. Yeah, I lived in that area like 50th and third I thought you worked it wasn't there one also downtown. There's like there's four at one time. Okay, there was meat packing. There was showho okay there was Those third okay, and then there was um, I think Vegas There was a one in the like in one of the casinos for a while so they would build it and they'd be really cool But then within four years you were like shit starting to rot I was there for like five years and I watched it go from being like really cool to being like there's a cooler restaurant down the street Because the workplace culture in a place like that is not great like it's not like even like turnovers is non-stop Yeah, well because that's what you said you like you don't like know if there's a new chef in a place or whatever It's like is that a lot of that because like in a restaurant like that you're not getting these people that are like sort of service Industry lifers. No, you're not you're getting people. That's a fucking great point. Yeah, you're good restaurants rely on lifers Yeah, you want someone that way even if they're just passing through sure But they take waiting tables seriously. Yeah, and when you wait tables You see the people that do take it seriously and you go go to a steakhouse like yeah, go do something But that was like it was gringo Mexican. It was white people serving you Mexican food so they want like and it was like Did the remixes that they would play it'd be like a Mex convert it would be like a blend of cold play with Mariachi and you're like I'm gonna kill myself There was some songs there's songs that I get triggered like a man tree in candidate when I hear them really I'll hear them from that playlist, and I'll be like, "I'm double sat!" Like, you just hear the choppers going over. It's how like, "No, that's probably what nuts with credence for a while." They're like, "Don't play credence around me." You're probably playing right now. They're probably playing that Dalley Parton Pipple song now. Yeah, oh my god. It would be like shit like that, where you'd be like, "I hate this." Or like, lower level indie rock songs that just made weird noises, but sounded cool. Okay. So they'd just play that all the time. But the clientele was all Wall Street people. Yeah, it's these guys who think they're classy, but don't know anything about anything. They just want to know that they're spending money. Yes. So that's how you'd make money for me, is you'd sell them Patron margaritas. Because we knew, like, you had to do like, by the way, I'm not saying BR guests slapped shit together. They trained you at Dos Caminos to like, you had to learn tequila, you had to like, learn shit, but they would, because they're trying to get you to upsell. Sure. But there's also, it's also like, they're training you, but they're really just being like, "Okay, we have all these actors. Let's just give them the script." That's exactly it. Like, it's exactly it. And then you have all these actors that want to make it, or comics, and then you have just like, high priced drinks. But dude, they would hire girls that were like hot actresses. Yeah, of course. And then they would sell a shit ton of tequila, because all these businessmen are like, "Well, I have a career." Dude, watching girls get picked up, because you know, the turnover in the restaurants. Oh, yeah. But you'd watch a cute girl start, and then you would like, watch her flirt with like, a couple of the Wall Street guys, and you're like, "They're absolutely gonna start dating one of them." Oh, yeah. That's why they're there. Yeah. It literally was like them, like, the Wall Street guys were coming by for enchiladas and to pick up a girlfriend. Yeah. Like, who's that girl? Oh, dude. 21, right? Yeah. I had a table. I used to work doubles. And so, like, I would close lunch, take my break, but the dinner shift would start, because, you know, you close lunch all the way up till the dinner takes over. Okay. So, I'd take my break, but the dinner shift had already, like, had like a half an hour, 45 minutes, which I'd give a couple of people on tables, that's fine. But one time I was coming back on the floor, and I think I've told the store I had the podcast before, but this cute girl that I worked with, like, came up to me. She's like, "I started table fucking whatever." Like, 3/14, four guys, four double margaritas, four double, uh, two double glocks. It's like, the bill was already sitting at, like, $200 before entrees. Okay. And I was like, "Lots fucking go." And I walked up to the table, and I was like, "Hey, guys, I'm your waiter." And collectively, they went, "Awww." And I was like, and I went back to the girl. Yeah, but some of those double glocks. Yeah. And I went back to her, and I was like, "Why don't you take the table?" And then at the end, she was like, "They were so nice." And I was like, "To you, they were." Yeah, I was working at a bar at one point a long time ago. And I remember some girl just, like, left her resume. She was cute or whatever. And I gave it to the owner. And he was like, "There's no picture on this resume." And I go, "I mean, she's gotten a lot of experience." She's like, "If I don't know what she looks like, I can't hire her." I mean, I might be calling this phone number. Some restaurant managers are pure slime balls. But some of them have a little slime on it, 'cause they know they'll tell you grease the wheels and make the restaurant. Oh, yeah, yeah. We hired, we used to have a large turnover of managers. We had a lot of great managers. People I became lifelong friends with, some of my managers. But some of these guys that corporate would bring in, 'cause they'd be like, "Hey, we want them to train on the cafe at 50th and 3rd." And they'd be like, "But this dude, I don't remember his last name." Just like a bulldog of a man. But he was very, very short, very muscular, and very like strip club manager was the vibe he had. But he had his suit and he would hit his little zip card to like, fuck it. To avoid shit or whatever, yeah. His void capabilities is J calls it. Big J calls it, but he would just avoid shit or whatever. This girl started working there that every straight man on staff was like, like jaw dropped. She was like, just thick as, like she was like spilling out of her top and wore like a very small dress and was very, very flirty. And she had this one manager around her finger. She was a horrible atrous. And he would give her like six table sections and other waiters would be like, "What are you doing?" She would be so in the weeds and he would be like jumping in and helping out that that's where it gave up, that you were like, "Oh, you want a fucker so bad, you're back weightering for her." - Wow. - Like when we saw it? 'Cause it was lunch. So the lunch pop is like, it's all at once. But watching him go and pre-buss and drop shit and run stuff to her tables and you're like, "But he's not helping anyone else out." And we're like, "You fucking." And by the way, she loudly had a boyfriend, loudly. Who's like a fucking huge Albanian dude? - You don't wanna fuck with him. - Yeah. Most men in that narrow somewhere on the belt parkway. - I don't wanna see the last thing I see is the deepest pants, it's like it's stuffed in a bag. But I was like, every guy that heard that, like me, was like, "Oh, fuck that, fuck that. I'm going around the corner to CV6 and I'm having a beer." I'm talking to that bitch. That was like always the vibe. But watching that, Michael was his name. I'll always remember watching Michael back weight for her in a way that I was like, "She's not gonna fuck you." - Dude, when I was a door guy, I used to end up having a weight tables all the time because like just the owner started banging the waitress that was on my shift. And I was like, "Wait, so we had a slow night. I just got fucked." Like he'd be like, "Oh, it's slow. We're just gonna leave." And I'd be like, "Oh fuck, so if it's a slow night, I'm not getting my $20 an hour that I would get as the door guy. I'm getting fucking just in the tip pool." - So wait, this is your door guy at a restaurant? - Bar. - At a bar. - But it was like cocktails. - Okay, and then he started banging one of the waitresses. - Yeah. - And then. - Like I would show up like later. I would show up at like eight in the door. So now I'm working the door and waiting tables. And like if it was a slow night, I'm making less money. - So they wouldn't let you stay on the $20 and get tips. - I think at one point I was just like, "Hey, so if it ends up being a slow night "and I'm making less money, I don't think that's really fair." And they were like, "Okay, like you can choose one or the other." Like. - Or you get half a. - Or you get a half a tip share. - That would make me slow. - And keep the 20 an hour. And I was like, "That was fine." - That's okay. - Yeah. - But I am doing two jobs, man. - Restaurant's really can just. You just start working for him and they go, "Here's how we're gonna treat you." - Yeah, like you're like absolute shit. - I say this about every like, independent like restaurant or bar. It's wear a team until all of a sudden there's money. And then it's like, "I will fire you." - Yeah. - Like it's like we're a team, we're all in this together when there's no money. And then all of a sudden the amount of guys I know who like opened bars, who were like promised sweat equity. And then all of a sudden there was money. And they were like, "I don't remember talking about that." - Yeah. - And they're like, "Oh fuck you." And now I need this job 'cause it's finally starting to pay. - Yeah, especially like that, because the restaurant industry is so many misses. You know, they always say like you start something, you're gonna go in the red for the first like five or six years until if you're lucky to go in the black. And the second it starts going into black, they go, "We're bringing in better employees." - Yeah, yeah. - What do you think? - But that feels like that happens with almost everything in America now. Where it gets good the way it is. And then they make money and then they switch it. They're like three-card bond. They like switch it and they go, "Oh, it's not the same product, the socks." - Yeah, but if you do that, like how do people eventually figure it out and now you're not making money again? - Yeah, like that is my fear with the WWE that we were talking about. It got taken over by TKO, which owns UFC and stuff. And it's like, listen. - And PBR, don't forget PBR. - They own PBR? - Not the beer, the bull riding company. - Oh yeah, they own, we watched that one day. Katie and I were bored and we just watched. - I went to it at the garden, it's a blast. - It's very, the team rodeo thing. What a concept. It's someone that used to go to the Western Stock Show in Colorado and watch the actual rodeo. Teams makes it way better. - Oh yeah. - 'Cause you go, "This guy's gonna ride the bull longer." And then like they have like a really good one and then he gets kicked off and you're like, "Someone's gotta step up." - Well, I think they had to make teams just because, 'cause at first it was just the individual guys. Now they have the team version. And it's like, that just makes it easier to gamble on. - Yeah. - They need to gamble each spot. Every sports league needs a gambling sponsorship. - Well, did you see now they're starting to do gambling on like the ending of TV shows? - No. - There's like, yeah, like politicians. You can like pick who's gonna win. - Oh, I guess like Polly Market is just doing that. - Yeah, but it's just inside or trading essentially. - Yeah, that's it. - You just lay a heavy bet. Like they like said, it was like some corporate guy was like how he would end his speech and then literally ends his speech and went, "Sorry, Polly Market." Like so it's like, "What did you lay on yourself "to not do this thing?" - Crazy. - That's what I mean where it's like, man. Also, I would make the argument, if you got into sports 'cause of gambling, you're not into sports. - Oh, okay, yeah, that's fair. - It's like, you don't like ball. You're just like betting on it. You just want the-- - Just get a racing form. Like what are you doing? - They literally have entire sports that are built for this. - Of course, racing and highlight. - Yeah, there's highlight down in Florida. It's just a gambling thing. - But now it's all in the internet. You can just do it. - Yeah. - There's a thing, there's like a dark thing that Katie showed me. There's like a whole Russian industry. Someone did an ex, maybe John Oliver, someone did an exposé on this, but it's sports just for the sake of gambling. So it's like two guys sitting down, kicking a soccer ball at each other And they're like ones wearing red. had one's wearing blue and you just bet on it. And it's like, studietz dystopian. It's like 70 videos of watching people gamble on like, they're just like, it's like, remember the casino where you just say, I just literally think of that when you said that. This is a different kind of casino. I guess the number. Yeah, it's war. Can you say war? Yeah, the buffet there. Oh, yellow's looking mighty fine today, Clark. But America's becoming that, the casino, the casino for all. Just, you're just like, yeah, let's bet on it. The fact that you can bet on a TV show, I have a friend, my friend Carlos, shout out to us, legitimately unbelievable at predicting shows. He's a writer, but he's, we met working it does. And he's a writer. And he's like, when I tell you he is predicted, he would predict seasons of billions. Okay. So like, I was just a guy holding a copy of Save the Cat, like fucking Biff and back to the computer. Yeah. He's got all of them. He's got someone visited him from the future. But he would guess like, we would film the season of billions. And it would be like starting to come out. And he would like, text me. And I would never tell him if he was right or wrong till the end. One season, he got like four out of five things, right? Okay. One season, he got like three out of five things, right? And then he comes back and goes five for five. And you're like, dude, this guy knows his shit. Okay. He should be getting on this app. Yeah, why wouldn't you? I don't know. But. Is it those bets like prop bets, at least, or is it you? That's what I don't know. I don't get into the mud that much. Because it must like be a thing where it's like, if the writers of the show find out what's to stop you from laying money on your own show. Don't worry up your money. Yeah. You dumb. Double your money. Or just call your sister. Yeah. Hey. Want to make some more of that Marvel show I was on? Yeah. Go. Here. Daredevil dies at the end. She goes, oh, fuck. Okay. All right. I was looking forward to that. Okay. I love that show. The Daredevil? The new one? Yeah. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah. Well, they never have to see another season of Iron Fist. I'm good. That was trash. That was like, um, that was like when a celebrity is feeling themselves and they do a music album and you go, it does across over. I was like, Luke Cage, I liked. Yeah, it was good. But then Iron Fist, you're like, what were you guys doing? It was rough. And it wasn't bad enough to watch and make fun of in a fun. And also, if you can just make a character and other ethnicity, just make Iron Fist Asian. What are we doing here? Iron Fist. Just do it. Like, he was just supposed, like him and like Shang Chi, they were all just supposed to cash in on like the Kung Fu movie craze in the '70s. That's it. Like Luke Cage was just like, oh, like Black Mildred. Black story. It was the black, the black split. Yeah. Black Panther. That's just what that is. That's what. Yeah. That's all. What's up? Did you see this betting thing was coming? The one for betting a gay couple would be the first featured kiss at New Year's, NYC New Year's countdown show. I mean, what was the fuck with? The odds must have been against you on that one, like, of course it is. Yeah. What are you talking about? That probably wasn't even a good bet. If you looked at that on paper. But the guy also is in a bag of hat and it's like, I think he's watching that so he can also jerk off to it later. Yeah. Because those guys that are so obsessed with gay, like, yeah, you go, I think you just want to fuck dudes. Yeah. I don't think you'd like actually think this is polluting our society. Yeah, yeah. You don't want trans women in the female locker room because you'd like to see them in the male locker room. Yeah. In your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. We get it. That's always like the doth protest too much where they're like, just fucking everywhere and their butts are so nice and just the way they really just take so goddamn good, I can't get them out of my mouth. And when they fuck they just keep going, there was a tootsie roll in the middle. The guy sucked out like he needed it. But it is like watching stuff get built up and then watching it like suck and then they sell it. Like, oh, this doesn't suck anymore and you're like, I hate that they do that to almost everything, almost everything. Anything you kind of like is just like, you know, like with marble, like Disney just bottom and it like it was like the whole thing was like, oh, we're going to go out of business if we don't try something. So we're going to take Iron Man who was never a popular character. No. Uh, I liked Iron Man because he was like a drunk, just like drunk driving armor is fucking hilarious too. Having a space suit in your hammered, you've had a three martini lunch and you go, those rusters hit way different when you know he's hammered when they took that out of it. It's like, it's like, oh, the hole's not mad. He's just emotionally distressed. You're like, no, the whole thing about anger. It's about alcohol. Even like the she whole thing. Women are always angry. It was like the whole point of Bruce in the comics, Bruce Banner got like beat to death by his like near to death every day by his dad. That was the whole thing. His anger was from abuse. Yeah. You know what's weird man is, you know, we grew up in the same era of like loving comic books. Death is Superman coming out like it being a big thing. And I remember like the Batman craze, the Tim Burton Batman craze, and then I remember it wearing off. But if you would have told me at 11 years old that I'd be sick of superhero movies, that I don't even need. Especially after, in between Batman Returns and Batman Forever, as you had said that to me, I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. You're out of your fucking mind. Well, you mean they're going to do them connected like the comic books? I don't have to watch the same origin story every fucking movie. Oh, they're going to, if you were to told me that after dark night, if you would have gone, you're going to get sick of comic books. Oh, yeah. I don't know. We're hitting our stride. You got one of the best directors doing the best version of Batman. Dude, if you told 12 year old me that they were going to do the Infinity Gauntlet over six movies, I would have fucking gist myself. Yeah. If you would have told me even in my 20s when I was reading Planet Hulk, that they were going to do a version of that with fire. With Thor? Yeah. They're going to do the Thor storyline from Planet Hulk. Yeah. I would have been like, fucking sign me up and then you watch it and you go, sorry. Yeah, it was, yeah. It's not as good as Planet Hulk. Yeah, yeah. You know what? It really is. It's like how excited I was for fake boobs versus the first time you touch fake boobs. Like not good ones. There's so much better now. Yeah. That's what I mean. But I'm talking about early 2000s. First time I touched fake boobs was maybe 0304. I was young when I touched fake boobs for the first time because it was a, my dad's restaurant was in front of like an hourly rate motel. Nice. And like one of my jobs. This could get real sad. To shoe hookers out of the parking lot. Like real? How old are you? Twelve. And you're shoeing hookers? My dad was just like, get out there, kid. What would you use a broom? I would just be like, guys, you got, you just go over there, like just go by the door over there. Like I was like, I was like, I knew the manager's name was Terry. I was like, Terry, does it give a shit? Like just go over there. The thought. Shout out, Wayne Jammer, motor in. The thought of one hooker having her. So lowest moment is a 12 year old going, what are you doing? Come on. As you guys. What are you am I doing? Yeah. I got a kid this age. I'm blowing guys for 20 a pop. So yeah, like in between like washing giant amounts of dishes. Yeah. If you get shoot outside the kick hookers out of the parking lot. He's like, they like, he's just like, they listen to you, you're a kid. Yeah. He's like, this is from the mouth of babes. Well, because my dad also, when my mom first kicked it out, he lived in that motel. So it was like, I was like desensitized. I remember seeing girls that would show up first and how hot they were. And then like a month later, being like, hell, I was jerking off to that lady. That's crazy. Dude, and it's like, the fake tip was like, this lady came by and you could tell she started smoking crack while married. She showed up with all of her jewelry and a coat. But crack mouth. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like pinched in. Not like bad teeth, but like the pinched in wrinkled leaves where the lips disappeared and everything fucking kind of collapses. And she goes, she goes, I'd rather do this than sell any of my stuff that I don't know. She goes, and also these and she kept pulling her tits out. And they were just like, they were the ripples on the side. She was like, older at that point. And she was like, you know what, I touched him and I probably touched one real boob at that point in my life. And I was like, yeah, let's see what this is all about. Yeah. Yeah. It was old school. Now they're great because they go under the muscle and they feel real. But the first time I remember touching a fake boob. It's like when you pull a kush ball that was like with the squishy in the middle out from under the couch after six months, you know what I mean, it's gotten like, sail somehow. Yeah. How does this thing hard? Well, it's made up. But I remember the first time I touched a fake boob like maybe I think like O304, it reminded me of one time when I was visiting my dad in San Francisco, he lived in my grandma and she had a bowl of wax fruit and you know what wax fruit was so I know this apple looks fresh. This grabbed it. And I was like, ah, like the bite in and you're like, what the fuck? That was how I thought when I grabbed it where I go, boobs are supposed to move. Your titties are supposed to jiggle and you grab it and it was like firm as fuck. Aggressive. He was like, fucking grab me. And it was. It was a girl that worked probably at TDs. She lived in my apartment complex. Shout out to Erica. She was very safe, but she had ripples on the side because you could see the bag, skinny girl, but she had like the ones that were like over here and she just lived in my apartment complex and would come by and get drunk and hang out. Let me grab her boot, grab on her boob one time and I was like, this is sick, but I remember grabbing it being like, whoa, but then like looking gay because I was like, sorry, oh, yeah. Fuck it. Damn. I mean, I bet she was kind of used to that at the time, right? Like it's dark. That girl had a dark life. Oh, really? We would be drinking and she'd tell me a story one time and I'd be like, how old was she your age? Yeah. So yeah, if she had fake tits, you're in college. I was 20. 20. So she's 20 already with fake tits. Yeah. Like, especially back then when it was like, like now it's like you kind of see 20 year olds with fake tits because it's like so much more common, but you're the only fans they're doing fucking. Yeah. Kind of shit. [BLANK_AUDIO] were like, damn. It was like when a kid skipped a grade, you're like, damn, you're mature. You got fake titties in your 20. I liked her, and this is, you know, most comics will always admit. A lot of comics fell in love with sluts growing up, like that's a common thing. - That's awesome. - Yeah, that's the best. But I remember I had this patio. When I worked Tucson, when I did shout out to Realtown, Sagalow and I were driving around, and I showed him where I lived in this apartment complex. And I showed him where I lived, and I told him the story about, there used to be like, the tree would go in front of my porch, and be outside smoking cigarettes. And I liked that girl. And she came home in the strip club limo, like the strip club limo brought her to the, you know, like that alcohol cove, where all the parking lot was, and she got out of her, out of the limo, and I heard-- - Did you get out of the front seat? - No, back seat. I was smoking a cigarette. - Did you get out of the front seat? Now you're like, oh, she was just bawling that dude. - Yeah, but at the time, I was still, I was 19 or 20, and I was still like, yeah, I know, she strips, but she's really cute, and we have fun when we hang out together, and I really, and she got out, oh, dude, she got out of the limo, and I was like, you could, it was night, and the tree was like mostly in front of my, and I was like, is that what I think it is? I was like doing that thing, and she gets out, and I just hear it, I don't know from where, just a dude's voice go, hey, and she goes, hey, what are you guys doing? Like we're just drinking, we're drinking all drinkin', and she's like, and then I see the door open to the apartment, her goin' in the door shut, and I was like, damn, that first feeling of like, I think I'm a loser. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Here you go. - That'll happen. I've been there. - Yeah. That first feeling where you go. - Am I the sucker? - Yeah, well, you know what's a great freeing feeling, is if you're still banging that chick, and you know she's a whore, but then you realize it, and then you're like, wait, I can bang other chicks. So now I just have this. - Very true. - And now I don't have to worry about the other girl making me feel bad, because I could just slide into this to feel better, because I'm a dark alcoholic at this point in my life. - Same. - Yeah. - I also wasn't gettin' a lot. So I was goin' like, so my thinking was like, let's you get some. - Yeah, yeah. - Like just-- - That's also fun. - Do you just go, you just can't care about it anymore. - Yeah, yeah. - But the sensitive boy in me was goin' like-- - Yeah, it still hurts. - It still hurts. - Yeah, it still hurts. - And also trying to like, that cool, like, I don't even give fuck about that shit. You're like, I gave so much of a fuck when I was 20 years old. I was like, that really hurts. I thought we had a very-- - Oh yeah, when I was in my early 20s, I would get like, you're so funny, 'cause like, and then I got so desensitized by it. I got so desensitized to it. And then I was just like, kind of fuckin' a lot. - Yeah. - And then it was like, funny. Like I got my chick now, and then like the first couple of years we were together, we broke up so many times. - Why, because-- - She would just break up with me. - She was like, what was a fuckin' mess of a human being? I was like selling drugs and fuckin' living alone, fuckin' alcohol. - I was like, I was a fuckin' nightmare person. - When you can't blame them for leaving them, when you go like, I'm out of it, I'm out of it. - There's no future here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know, I get the fuck right here. - So she would just like, break up with me, and I would be like, heartbroken, and then she would call me in a couple months, and be like, did you hook up with anybody? Like, of course I did. I drowned my sorrows in terrible. - Yeah, like-- - You don't make good decisions when I'm heartbroken. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - When have I ever gone like, yeah, I'm eating vegetables and running a lot? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that was-- - I did do that once. - Really? - But you, 'cause you thought you were gonna get her back. - This was a different, first of all, it was a different chick. Who went to study abroad, and I was just like, she'd stop, and I was, and that was when I was fat, and I was just like, and I was also like eating too much Xanix and shit, I was like depressed. And I just like stopped doing that, and I felt better. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna run in the morning, then I'm gonna play Hamble on the afternoon, then I'm gonna go to the gym at night, and I just got, that was the first time I got jacked, and then all these girls that were like, you're a brother to me, it's like, you're already there. But now, all of a sudden, you don't see them for a couple of months, 'cause you're busy getting jacked, and you show up, and they're just like, and they're drunk. And you're just like, oh, what's up, and they're like, what is this? And then you're just like, boom, like this is, they're like, this is almost, they're like, I'm not even gonna count this as a number, 'cause I should have just fucked you two years ago. - Chris, you son of a bitch. I think you just cracked the code for Insel's. - Yeah, go away and get jacked. Just go away and get, like, don't talk to them. - For the first time, you get into shape, and you see the reaction on a woman's face that you're in shape. You're like, - Why was it like you in this the whole time? - I should've just been doing a lot of cardio. - Yeah, like what? - Jesus, I should've just been doing this the whole fuck apart. - You get a set of cheap weights for $40 and just do curls. - You can also do those, like, park works out, work outs like, dude, there's guys doing pull-ups on fucking scaffolding. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You can get it done, but you really do, when you commit yourself and do it, and they go like, oh, it turns out improvement was the way to get. - But I think it also has to be that stark contrast. You have to just be busy or not return their calls and then just show up at a party. - Yeah. - And then you're like, then they're all like-- - Yeah, they can't watch the progress, huh? - Yeah, no, because then it's just gradually, you gotta show up. - Yeah, you just need to, you need to give 'em whiplash. - Yeah, you gotta fucking, she's all that, take off the glasses and overalls with the hair out. - But you gotta do the shirt pull from the back. - Yeah. - And pull it off. - Oh my god, we're before, I used to have a joke about that, or I used to take my shirt off like this, one arm at a time and be like, don't look at my-- - Think the way a girl takes a bra off under her shirt? - Yeah. - That's a, 'cause I gotta get back in the shape, 'cause that's how I've been taking my shirt off around Katie, 'cause I've been like, don't look at me, this fucking holiday season was horrible. Hey, like a goddamn animal. But yeah, I think that you just solve the cure, you just have the cure for insults. - Yeah, well, especially if you are around shakes. - Yeah, summer vacations coming. - Just go get Jack. - Man, if you're younger and you're watching this, and you have a girl that you like, that you have a good connection with, but it's not romantic, pull back. - Hey, by the way, just the ignoring her will add to it. - Pull back. - Get Jacked. - Yeah, I'm not saying like be a dick and ignore her, but just don't make as much time. - Don't make as much time. Fill the time that you would have for her with the gym. - Yeah. - And then you got spring break coming up. Now you're smashing. - Well, make it happen properly. Go to spring break with them, show up Jacked. - Bring, bring drugs. - Dude, it's crazy. - Bring drugs. - I'm telling the youth out there. - Yeah, this is-- - Bring drugs to spring break. - Guys, we're about positivity here at this podcast. We're trying to get you laid. We're not trying to shut you down and have you go on the internet and become more toxic. - And if you're an adult and you're listening to this, and you just, like, people will be like, we're really people, you just take an art class. I took an art class like in my 20s, and if I didn't have, like, no, my late 30s, actually. - Yeah. - If I didn't have a fucking girl at the time, it was literally me and 10 pretty girls. Like, it's like, go take an art class. - Go take a cooking course. If you want to meet a dude, learn how to throw darts or shoot pool. - I mean, shooting pool is like, or bowling, but you're not going to meet the guy you want to fuck. You're just going to be fucking big guys with those-- - Me and you might like them. - That can crack. That can, they're going to put spit on the ball, and they're going to crack them fucking things. - Imagine I'm doing that to your nuts. - Yeah. - Be fit, be fit, good. - Yeah, dude, the pussy at a bowling alley is always like, woof, that's where my dad would pick up. - They're all named Shirley somehow. - Cheryl. - Yeah. - It was always a version of Cheryl. It was always a version of-- - I love a woman with a pencil behind her here, you know? - Dude, my dad would bring home women that, like, when I'd go visit them, would just be that, like, the kind of hair that looks wet, but isn't. - You know what I'm talking about? - Oh. - Yes. - Or it's like crunchy. - Yeah. - Yeah, and just, like, a very light purple lipstick. And just absolutely sparking. - Purple lipstick in the '90s is fucking brutal. Where did you find a 40-year-old woman who shops at Hot Topic? - Yeah, dude, my dad would fucking hook up these girls. - Come on, I'd go visit him, you know, like, it'd be years. I think, like, after I was 10 years old, it was once every two, it was once a year, and then it went to two years and then he died. But that once a year, I would come back and he'd be, like, first time I went to get a really hot girlfriend, named Cheryl. Next time I go back, there's like Cheryl Land or something similar, way worse. And then when I went back and she had her, he was staying with this girl that had kids as well as 12. And the kids like my dad and hated me 'cause I was-- - Taking attention from him. - Yeah, but she was like one where you're like, oh, this is the final boss of the Cheryl. It's like the Pokemon Evolution of Cheryl when there was like a little cute squirtle, and then it's like the bigger one, and then it's like Cheryl Todd or something, and it was crazy. It was, that was like when you're like, maybe don't go get pussy in a bowling alley. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe-- - And then he got Hepsie and he died from it. - From that chick? - I think so. Got Hepsie and then he just didn't go to a doctor and drink. So you go-- - But he knew it? - No. - He found out after he died. - Well, he found out when he got cirrhosis. He was like, "How the fuck did I get cirrhosis?" And the doctor was like, "You have Hepsie, "shouldn't have been drinking any alcohol." I don't know though. I don't know if he knew or whatever, 'cause I don't talk to him at the time, so I'm like, "I don't know." But that is bowling alley pussy with that. Oh, you know, get you killed. You know, get you killed. Art class, I think is what we're learning. - Art class. - Go to art class. - This chick's there. - Now you have the common interest with them. - But I also feel like New York City has that specific thing where you can do little art classes or cooking classes. - Oh, yeah, true. - Botany classes. But I think that kind of exists anywhere now. Like, you go to anywhere, there's a paint sip. - Yeah. - Like, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - Now you're drinking and there's just chicks there. - Yeah, if you're an older guy and you kind of have your life together, but you're single. - Yeah. - Take an art class. - I think so. - If you're divorced. - Take an art class. - Yeah, just something. Like, you just get, first of all, yeah. - I think online's cooked. - Well, I think older guys can, first of all, there's like a Facebook dating now, so if you're just middle aged and single all of a sudden, 'cause you got divorced, I think that might be an angle, but I've never used those things. Yeah, I don't think I would be good on them either I'd ever was good on apps. I never was good on apps I tried three of them got a girlfriend off two of them, but really it wasn't great relationships I like don't even know how to like even if I know a girl I don't even know how to like text with them other than like you trying to chill That's all women know and now they just get texted dude just be like Book or like no, I'd like to go out with you and have a meal dude my girl once I remember like it was just like it was This when we first had she'd be like she's like how come I always call you before you call me I was like well I wake up at one and you call me at like one thirty every day So you I'm like still on my second cup of coffee. Yeah, maybe just chill out a little bit Did I couldn't go back if I ever lost Katie? I think I'd just go sell a bit just go live in the mountains You just go hooker. I think yeah, you just show up with like a lady who's like name is like a star I'm just like low profile get it out of you. Yeah, just pull the venom out of you I mean get going again. Did you bring those cards? I did you got them on you during my back Let me grab your bag for you. We got wrestling cards. Yeah, yeah, so we're pulling back an old and they're like not even like a branded wrestling card I'm like classic also. Yeah, these are from the early 90s. Oh, let me grab you