113: Irish Meat with Colum Tyrrell | Soder Podcast | EP 111

Hey, everybody, I want to thank you for coming and seeing me on the golden retriever of comedy tour. We've announced the second leg. It starts up in February, February 13th in Orlando, then February 14th in Tampa, going to be in Buffalo, February 28th, Boston, March 6th, Philly, March 7th. Go to dancoder.com, the whole second leg all the way through April is on sale, all available at dancoder.com. I love you guys. This is Colin Turrell, you know, from the podcast, "Cock Fight," and his own show, which might come back at any moment. My podcast? Yeah. Yeah, I'm bringing a vac, actually. Did you know that? No, I guess. You just had to feel him? I just fucking guess. I needed a break. I needed to own wine. Well, I was doing two hours solo a week, which was just. That's insane. It was too much. That's insane. I think Bill Burr was the best at doing that. Sure. He did the best solo podcast. So, every time I've tried to do it, it makes me feel genuinely insane. It does. And then one day you start saying something, and then even at the end of the sentence, you go, "That was stupid. I didn't have anyone to go." Yeah, shut up. I need a guardrail. Yeah, definitely. You got to see someone's face go, what? A solo podcast would just be the rantings of a madman. I don't know. I'd start talking about like 1988 Survivor Series finishes. Sure. Where I'd be like, "Don't you understand? This is all connected." Yeah. It's like whenever I think of trying a solo podcast, it makes me understand people that have lost their minds. Because you go, "Oh, there's podcasting." Yeah, you go nuts. They just podcasted off the cliff. Crazy people outside. They're just podcasting. There might be a couple of crazy people that would have a better podcast than when I was sold out. Is that the new network? Are we getting me and you? There were like bum hunters. We're going to grab them and then wake with the help of Pimp. We'll put a mic on them and then put out their episodes. We go, "This is Jim from 26th Street and 6th Avenue." He's like, "That is that fact." Yeah, he's got one of those little furry mics attached to his top oil. How many bodies you got? He has sex. He goes, "Dead." Is this under a bridge? I'm talking about people you killed. Dude, one of my favorite videos. I'll send this to Sagalo when we're on the road and we're about to smoke weed. But this guy's energy is the kind of thing I was thinking about. I found this video online and it's a guy and he goes, "Smoke a bowl." And he goes, "Then what?" He goes, "Make your way down the slide." I'm going to show you this guy fucking rules. First, smoke a bowl. Okay. And then what do I have to do? And make it down to slide. He's thinking it all out. That guy fucking rules, dude. If I were the kind of guy that would be going right for merch, there's no way I don't make a slow bowl and make your way down the slide. I'm sending it to you so you can edit it right in. These guys-- These guys are right, though. You smoke a bowl, go on the swings. Don't be too complicated. People are over-complicating. Everyone's listening to Huberman about, "Make sure you see the light at 6 a.m. or whatever." Now, dip your face in a bowl of ice with tape over your mouth. Yeah, scare a dog twice a day. They do do that. They go, "I don't eat anything that isn't a super protein. I wake myself up with an electrical charge. Then I do six hours of cardio where I don't have a sip of water. We'll just have a homeless guy do it." Yeah, exactly. Box wine. Get your angry. Bottle wine. Get your horny. And you go, "What a great way." It's like that. Huberman put out a business by bombs. Yeah, let's put all those him and one of the other guys that do that. Huberman, who's the other guy? I don't know this one. Try to think of that one because he only won the running guy. Oh, Goggins? Goggins, who he's like, "Why this pain?" And you're like, "I don't know if I need that much." Yeah, Goggins always like, "I ran on the spring ankle for 200 miles." And this guy is like, "My leg is leaking. My leg has been leaking since 1998. If the bones coming out, that means you ain't doing it hard enough." But there are, that's like when I see people that are into like, tent churches. Which? Like, you know, like, people that go to like churches where they dance with snakes. Have you seen like Southern Baptists or any of these? I've never seen no. I've never seen no snake. Because what I love about Ireland is you guys. Got rid of those snakes. Same logic. Yeah, you do. Be gone. You guys played it often then they fired good game here. We took them and dance with them. We're like, "These are my friends." But it's like, Pentecostal churches just speak in tongues. And they'll do a thing where they're like, they're holding snakes because they're proving that God loves them. So the snakes won't bite them. Okay. So they like dance and they speak in tongues. It's fucking wild. But what I love, no one gives American Americans credit for when we take your guys is shit and go crazy with it. Jazz it up a little. Jazz it, don't walk up. That's why I'm so proud to be in America. I get it. It's because we take something like Catholicism, which I could argue it's the Italians and the Irish perfected it. Sure. The Italians had the Vatican and they had all the Italians. You guys were just straight up super fans. Yeah. Ireland was like, you know, you're like, you guys as Catholicists. We just need it because we used to be the Celts, you know. So we were like worshiping big stones. Like that was like all these white guys with dreadlocks was worshipping stones. And then these guys showed up and we were like, oh yeah, I can do magic. That's better. They go what? You guys eat a sun that walks across water and you're like, it was so easy. It doesn't don't shit. Imagine how mad you are if you're the rock god and you're like, it's going pretty good. We're wrong. We show off. There's a bunch of rocks going, what the hell? You guys had it. You were right in the beginning. It's us. It's the rock. The devil won. Yeah. The devil was walks across the water. You go back. But like, you know, like my mom always says she's raised Irish Catholic, but she wasn't raised Irish Catholic. She was raised American Irish Catholic, which is like, it's like more flavor, more sugar. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I always get confused. I go over here and then I was going to church for some holiday with my in-laws. And then in the middle of one of the sermons, the guy turns around and he's talking about life and difficulty. And then he's like, like, do your day. I was talking to my wife and I'm like, what? Yeah. I go, what? No, no, no, no. We got him. Yeah. He's not a priest. He's a liar. He's just wearing a wire. He's got the weight. We're listening to a guy you eat plusy. He doesn't know anything about Jesus. Yeah. What do you know? I need a guy starved for human touch. Yeah. I need a guy with only that allowed around kids. I need that's what that's Jesus. Yeah. They go, you think they want to fuck those kids? They're doing it because it's really the easiest option. I don't want a guy who's like pretending that he has to go to mass because his wife's nagging him. He's like, oh no, I got a big funeral. I got to go there. Yeah. I got to go give big ups to the big guy. Yeah. You know women. That's yeah, because I thought it was Catholic priests aren't allowed to marry. Don't know. So I'm a Piscopalian, which is very funny. Okay. The Episcopal Church was created by the king of England so he could get divorced. Okay. I thought the church of England, is it? Yeah. It's like pretty much the church. It's like, I don't know if you can look that up, but the apostable, the Episcopal Church is like, Episcopal, it was, it's like Catholic, they've jerked around like Catholic light. Yeah. But it is like they allowed divorce. They're like, I don't know. Yeah, whatever, yeah, condoms and stuff. Yeah. I never even allowed the priest to get married. Yeah, which is I think it's probably it's it's yeah for the priest and then all the victims. But I don't know. I truly do believe I'm listening to someone who's who's not much in bucks more. I feel like he's pure. He's closer to heaven because he's not fucking because he's not. He's got back. He's just blue ball to the gills and they can't jerk off either. Yeah, no, no, they're not allowed to. No, she's crazy. No, let them no way. You know, you can blow up tires if they're pumped to full of air. I yeah, but this is no, he's on a frequency. He's like, he's he's he's he's he's he's he's talking to God daily. That's where they're the first superman stuff where they're like, don't touch your dick. You're going to get so much done and everyone's like, it seems like a lot of work. Yeah, for sure. I feel much more comfortable talking to a guy that has empty nuts about God about God. Yes. Yeah. Cause he goes like, it's chill, baby. I just got my dick sucked. Yeah. That's beautiful. But also there's a lot of priests are banging chicks, especially in Ireland. Yeah. So that's the thing. That's kind of the thing. So do you think like, you know, how they say married men attract women more? Do you think priests attract more women? Cause they go like, I know that berries full of juice. No, cause they'd come over and go, tell me about your temptations. And they'd say to the husband, I'm just going to do a little prayer with your wife today. Yeah. Port your hand stuff. Yeah. We're going to put our hands together in different ways. Yeah. She the husband comes home. She's so cool. Yeah. I was just covered in holy water. Yeah. Sorry. He blessed me. He goes, I don't know. It smells like the blessing smells a little like piss. You know, it's mostly piss. I don't know if you don't. Yeah. I didn't know that that would make sense. If you were a priest and you wanted pussy loads of them were banging left right inside. Especially in Ireland back in the day. So this is like when my parents were growing up, maybe it was a little bit out of that. But certainly my grandparents, you had an obligation to give The church, one of your family members. members. What? They as a priest are in none. So one of them had their go. They pretty much essentially they were they were socially pressured into it. So you'd have nine kids. One of them would die of polio. The other would leave the England. And then whichever ones were left, usually the dim ones or the or the or the or the pig's ears. As we'd say, you know, the players right? They send the pig. They send the pig's ear to the church because you'd have someone's one kid gone, hi dad, you're a priest, fuck off. Daddy, I just believe in stuff. And he goes, you're a man of the cloth. Exactly. The first day does that. He's like, dad, it was just the answers by the river. He goes pigs ear. Now what? All the, all the priests are out a little bit of fucking show. A little yeah, they had a little jazz to them yet. Yeah, because it's not, that's not allowed in Catholicism. So they're like, you better join, you better put on a robe. Well, you have to get. They would show up and go, which one do you want to give us? And they go, I don't like that one. Yeah, and he dances a little too good. But I'm always amazed with how much shame that breeds in sex. Yeah. Specifically Catholicism seems like there's like, if you jerk off, you're like, God watched me, everyone's mad at me. Yeah. Whereas like, I was talking to Louis Katz about this, and I've brought this point up before. He, he like talks about how horny he is all the time with an air of like, idiot, I'm just horny. And I go, you don't have any shame. I go, you just fuck and he goes, yeah, because in Judaism, they don't shame you. Yeah, like sex is great. Have sex. You should have sex. And you're like, oh, okay. And that's why they're all like, yeah, like I talked to Ari about this. I was like, you don't have any shame. He goes, no, what do you think I'm showing my dick and nuts all the time? He's like, because they, I don't have, whereas like, I grew up obviously not Catholic. I grew up like Episcopalian, but not even barely. But there was still shame. Sure. Don't show your penis. You'll show your dick. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. But also the Jews, like, I think they don't have like an afterlife, right? So this is their end. What are you saving for? Get it? You know what I mean? We're being good boys so we can, we can live in the clouds. But we don't even know what's going to happen. I'm really in the back. I'm gambling. I know. You don't look like a fool, then I'm with my, I broke my gutts. Dude, I'm telling you right now, me and you have the same parlay ticket. So I'm hoping it caches. Yeah. Because if not, dude, I like, I should be whipping it out. If it's true, if the Jews are smoking them because they got them, they're like, smoking if you got it. Let's fuck it. Yeah. You can't spend it when you're dead. I always wonder about that. That's why I'm always amazed with people who claim to be, uh, after life experts. Yeah. After like, people that die for a minute on operating table and then they come back and then they write a book about what they saw. Yeah. What is that? That's like, there's a DM T trip, right? It's not the same. You've got a little DMT in your brain. Whatever that. Yeah, you're a little, that's why it works. Yeah, you're a little, you're a little, you're a little, you're a little, yes, wiped open yet. I, that's why I won't smoke DMT. Have you ever done that? No, I don't want to do it in case that there is no afterlife. And that's the hit your body gives you and I've already done it. No, now you're, you know, you know, like how the first beer is always the best. You're like, the first beer you're like, than the second beer. Ever in your life, though? No, I'm just talking about it at night. First beer, you go, you're like whistling about it. Like that's cold. Look at that. Then the second beer you don't give it shit about. I think it's going to be more like riding a horse or something and you're going to be like, oh, I'm get booked and I'll be like, follow me. Oh, I've been around. You're a long heaven here. Yeah. How many times have you done DMT? Probably your seven or eight. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen the thing that everyone claims where they all see the same thing? I've seen stuff that, yeah, because it's like, you don't see a physical. In my opinion, I never saw like a physical kind of guy, but I saw like the idea. It's like a dream, almost where you go. It was my house, but it wasn't my house. I saw people, but it wasn't people or something. And do you think that was it? Do you think they like let you do you think DMT lets you look into the afterworld? No. I think it's just a chemical in your brain that gets released and it looks cool. That's what I'll say. I will say one last time I did it. I smoked it and I don't know what happened. You know, you kind of passed out or woke up and I had a little recording. I will say one last time I did it, I smoked it and I don't know what happened. You know, you kind of passed out or woke up and I had a little recording on my camera to like to try like a paranormal activity. No, I set up the camera like a podcast essentially. Okay, guys, welcome to contour podcast and this is smoking DMT. This is my drama. Yeah, this is trying to find love and you smoking. Yeah, but somewhere in that trip, I just over. You got this sense of sadness and then when I came out and then I was just like, man, I guess feel so sad or something. And then I just had crying and I just cried for like 30 minutes. I mean, like bawling my eyes out and then at the end, I'm like, oh, then I just turned it. That's so funny. That move. It wasn't like fun. I was supposed to be like, I saw an alien and he was juggling the sun and I was bawling my eyes out for 30 minutes. When you're picking it, when you're finally packing it up, you're like, yeah, yeah, I just like sure I'm gonna go after the page you up. That's why one of my favorite videos, a great subreddit is cringe ticktocks. Oh nice. And they show just like crazy ticktocks. Not always. They show other shit, but something they'll show where people in cars having breakdowns. Yeah. One of the funniest one was like, when you're partner of when you come out as polygamous to your partner of six years and they deny you and it's like a girl that looks like she works in a Williamsburg bookstore and she's like, she's like really like pulse crying and then a guy duets it and he like shows himself setting up his camera and then going like, yeah, and you're like, because you did the whole DMT trip and ended up in the cry. Yeah. But there are people that set up to cry and then they go, there was a mother when her kid was coming and she goes like, fucking cry batter. Yeah, and they got they got like, she got to add to them. Yeah, they got capital. They were going to say hello to him. He was like, "Dai Wapai being me." And she's like, and he was crying. Come on, cry. Yeah. I feel like if you see someone doing a rant on their phone in a parking lot, it should be mandatory that you run up a go, right on their window and just in the real like, don't get killed. But like, you know what I mean? If someone's like in the thing and they're like, I'm going to tell you why Donald Trump is taking away just come up and go. I just want, we need to come up with a word just to like for them to yell out so that if I see it on the internet, they can go like, Zorro and you go, yeah, that's one of ours. Because that more people need to start pushing back to people doing public TikToks. Yeah, they're always dancing over a pan station now, all the agents. Yeah, I walk right through. But they are all agents. I don't know how to tell you. Yeah, here I listen. I'm not booking it. I'm just telling you who's there. You make that racial. I just say what I saw. I'm just telling you if you walk into time in central, you'll see it. There's a new thing over a pan station, the month and whole hall or whatever. And then at the end, they all get together. And I think they all, like, that's like where they hang out. And then they'll be in a little, like, like a pyramid. Yeah. And then I'm just walking by, go, get out of my country and move and they go, why was that? The guy goes, I'm from Minnesota. I grew up in Minneapolis. Yeah, they're, uh, when I've walked through TikToks. Yeah. Because New York City. And you can be recognized too, because there's a, oh, dance order. Like in stock. That's why you got to stop and look at the camera and go, fuck these pussies. Check it. I keep walking. I stopped and I look at the camera and I go, fuck these, kill these people. What's sucks? Yeah. This fuck is sucks. Give me all their money. But I've walked through like quickly. And they're like, they act like you're rude. Yeah. When you walk through a TikTok, they get like mad at you. They're like, hello. You're on six. I must say, I get, I get, I get, I get hooked when they have those, the gym ones, you know, with some chicks, that's up the gym. And she's like this. And then some guy walks by just like, scratch it his belly button. And I say, excuse me. Oh, excuse me. I'm doing my white tear. Yeah. He's like, oh, sorry. Yeah. You know. And then it turns out that that guy in the car gone, how dare you? Oh, that really Johnny, Johnny Swall. Yeah. And he goes, I'm going to tell you right now, if this guy's getting to the gym, he's already accomplishing something. He doesn't need you pushing back. That's the voice. You don't, you don't own the gym. This isn't a private gym. I hope you do better. Yeah. He goes, we all got to come together do better. Most of us, both of us will be much more successful if we start using it tone a lot more. Oh, yeah. I'm dance order. And I'm going to show you how you can live like a homeless person in New York City. Yeah, I feel like in the next five years, comics are going to be real humbled. And we're just going to come back to being like, I don't know what the folks going on. I'm two weeks away from doing like fucking hamburger reviews. I don't know where he said I'd gone. That's a call. He's 6.8. Someone knocks on it. I'm going to go to God damn hamburger review. I had to pay for this Volvo with my own fucking money. Anyways, back to this smash burger. Put your hand behind the mukbang video. Thank you Royal King 19 I'll tip it French fries in it. Yeah, exactly. You get something and looking at comics. The streaming shit. You were saying that like you were saying like streaming's killed the rap game. Like people don't want to be rappers anymore. They want to be streamers. This is the new thing. Streamings the most there was only one way out of the hood. Now it's streaming. Now it's going like this 24 hour streams. Yeah. Now hitting yourself with a pool noodle hitting each other with [BLANK_AUDIO] It's so funny because it is like we watched, you know, I, you watch like the industry, which is gone now, but you watched people kiss ass in the industry, like get favors to like with bookers that were doing like Letterman or Conan when late nights were big. So you watch people like finagle that and then podcast became big and you watch people like finagle that and get in with people and not have success or whatever, but you wonder if the next thing is like just streamers just being like, hey, can I show up at your house at 3 p.m. and do a five minute set and then Kaisen, that's like, yeah, I don't know. It's just like I'm a computer and you're behind it and you're like, so I was on, you guys on the apps. He's like, yeah, Kaisen, that's like reading his stream, he's like, yeah, I don't know who he is either. I don't, I hope he leaves soon. Yeah, I got Kanye coming by, he's going to take medication live on the air. That's like what he does, he goes, this is lithium, Kanye lives up, all right, see what it does. Yeah, I don't know what we're fucking headed in my, yeah, my, I don't know. I think it's all just, I don't know what the fuck is going on. Me and you. I'm so confused. They never do streamers. Oh, yeah. All the 16 year old streamers. I could, yeah, it sounds nice to be some sort of streamer or influencer thing where it's like something you want to do anyway. Somehow it's like monetized, but then the second that happens, I'm like, fuck this. I hate fucking or whatever. That's whatever your monetized. But you know, it is, that's, I think what you're describing right now is how we all felt about porn when we were 12 years old and going through puberty. You're like, these guys just fuck beautiful women and they get paid to do it. Yes. That's incredible. And then you get older and you go, it ain't, it ain't that at all. It's a hard job, you know, part of the pun, but like you are like, I couldn't, I couldn't get my boner hard if they were like, he got a film for three hours. No. No. I don't want to fuck for three hours. That's crazy. I don't want to, you know, and now you see like Twitch streamers and you go, I wouldn't want to play video games for that long. I want to play like, yeah, I just can't even look that long. Yeah. It's insane. And they do, they do it for like what? Like six weeks. Six weeks. Like six weeks ago. And they're just like snoozing on camera. That's like, it's actually the self-self-made Truman show. Yes. These guys watch Truman and I went, that's a good idea. They go. I do that. I've built an entire village so that I can stream 24 hours a day. I smile without moving my eyes. It's one of the most disturbing characteristics and the short sign that I am a lizard person. And he's goes, this smile is like, are you going to eat it? Yeah, it is, they did. They took Truman show and they were just like, fuck it. Now I've got Mr. Beast's nuts too, but I've heard of people, I've heard of people talking about being on those shows that he does and he's not part of any of it, you know? He just shows up at the end. He just shows up and kind of presents it like for 30 minutes. And he's like, this is day one, and then he'll come around and go, this is day two of us and he's not there at all. And then he just gets flown back to wherever the fuck he goes. Till Lane Goo. Yeah. I just assume that's what the ultra rich do, is that they just lay in some sort of cold but warm goo that feels good, similar to when they pulled Neil out of the matrix. It's 100% like that. Kind of like that. He's working on something. I always think about that shit with like Mr. Beast is a kind of guy where you're like, who are you for real? Does he even have a part of them where you think this guy's doing horrific crimes? Or is it worse? He's not. You know, they're doing a new Bond movie, right? The Amazon bought the Bond franchise. Okay. So they're recasting Bond. I just heard that Tom Holland's out for some reason. I didn't realize what, but they're like all the, all the big UK guys are up right now for like who's going to play James Bond. I think a great Bond villain is a Mr. Beast type, where a guy that looks like he's doing all this stuff, but in reality, he's like doing some crazy fucked up shit. And James Bond has to go and defeat Mr. Beast. He even sounds like Mr. Beast, you know, chocolate. What is it this year? Well, yeah. What is it this time? I'm going to shed it on fire. But did you see the one where he set the house on fire and the guy had to pull the money out? No, I didn't. I don't have to do it. I'm not up to do it. You don't have to do it. I could eliminate me. He was passed out long before his face melted. The bad news is when the fire made contact to his face, it cut right through. The fire man had a choice to take the money out, not save the victim. And then he hit the fire man. Are you fucking kidding me, this is a fucking salary for a year I just got five hundred thousand dollars. Hey boy, I'm not gonna fucking spatula up that thing that's on the floor He's like turns out he melted to the floor on the boys that yeah all the boys that win a thousand like win a thousand pound person fuses with a couch He's part of the ground Yeah He's the world's biggest YouTube star. His next move is to start a bank. You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't muscle in on the bank. Banking, dude. He's going to have a tragic beast accident. We're doing a bank that isn't backed by the FDIC, meaning it's any of your money goes missing. Sock my beastly dick. Hey, 12 year olds. You should all invest in beast bank. He has his own stock market. 20 years he would like probably it's just we are living in beast world. Yeah, he's like there's like blimps going by I'm in a courtroom Shackled and they're playing this clip and I go I was a comedian I was joking and they go silenced old man you and against our You disrespected mr. Beast mr. Beast. What do you think he goes 70 days on a burning island? Don't film it. I don't want my wife to watch this 99 lashings in the public square with the with the whip That's on fire and you go. How are you gonna do this remove his eyesight? Taking his eyes and we're giving them to someone else 1000 people Eyesight moved dad. That's what I mean it is he would be a perfect bond villain. Mm-hmm. You'd be a perfect bond villain Yeah, it's yeah, it's just an insane. What's going on? I wouldn't like the people still like them when they when they're past the age of like 14 It's just like something they watch When they go where it's always just like and one man versus 12 dogs. Can I tell you? Yeah, because I've tried to like shit watch And I get into it. Yeah, I go like you watched it ago It's production value sure I keep going to click off but that's something happens Yeah, you go. I don't know. They're good at it. Yeah, it's just like good It's just whatever that frequency is in your brain. They're just slowly you just set the zone out Yeah, you're like I it just I was in a day dream watching this for five hours You know how growing up the two things that they always warned us about that never happened was quick Sand and getting hypnotized sure remember how much they made you worry about getting hypnotized when you were a kid and it was like There's just that swirly thing and you'd be like they did it they somehow did it That's what you do videos do. You go like I'm watching you. I'll buy the Mr. Beast chocolate bar I want I need the chocolate bar. I as a pothead. I eat An irresponsible amount of candy as an adult. Yes One time I was in a green room. I won't say who's but there was a box of Mr. Beast chocolate bars. I tried one Sucked yeah, if a stoner puts down your candy bar. You're in big trouble. Yeah, if I went You got into the burger business too. Yeah, you want to call these burger reviews say to stay tuned stay tuned You're Stay tuned for my review. I'm not gonna tell you more I got one If I know it's on there, I got I need to know what the secret sauce is Yeah, he keeps launching businesses that all crash because it's not just the attention economy It's a actual physical good. Yeah, so this bank is gonna be absolute night. You bet against it. I don't know how can we short As you know so funny is being on a show about finance that I was on billions for like seven seasons people think I know finance and I don't know anything about finance. - You know what I'm talking about? - Quantitative easings. - Exactly. - And walked out of there. - These things are how stupid it was. This is how stupid it was. They had a guy on set shout out Turnie Duff who would sit there and tell us what it meant. - Oh, so that you character could know. - So I knew what the fuck you would explain it to me in idioms. - No, I like that. That's an easier and better actor. You go, just give me the fucking fluff. - I got what is this, and he's like-- - He went to Central Bank who's low-floating the. - I was just standing there. - I can't even rip it. - And then people, you're better than I was doing it, and they're like, you don't know anything. - Bear squeeze, hostile takeover? - Nope. - Don't know and I go, nope, don't even know, honestly don't even know what the stock market is. - Can you remember any, can you remember any of your lines enough to like blow your way through like a party in the Hathens or something? - Now, honestly, maybe if you would have caught me in like 2023, like when this show was wrapping up, I could probably pull some shit from like, you know, episode 708, I don't know which one I was in, but something where I say it where I was like, his quantitative outputs were, you know. - Yeah, yeah. - Season dude, I'm gonna tell you right now, you walk up on me in 2018, I'm hitting you with some fake financial advice, I'm knowing all the jargon. - Yeah, you're just like, yeah, I'm in this. - Fick out was really doing something. - Oh my God dude, I think I might even been bullshit about it. 2025, I don't know what God damn thinking, I've smoked too much weed, my brain's too full of resin. Now I go, dollars, I don't know, I don't know. - What was that like, was there times when you, I've never seen the show, but was there times when you're like just acting with Paul Giamardi, and then you would just go like, are you serious right now? - There was yet. - Oh then you go, fuck I suck, I suck so bad. - I did that with every scene because all the people, like you don't understand this about shows like that. Giamardi obviously, Maggie Sif, Damien, Lewis, all the big dogs, but the people that are really good at acting, like really good at acting, are the unknown people that are around. Like the people I worked with, like Asia and Kelly and Daniel and like all these people that I worked with, and you just watch them act and you go, oh you guys are like. - They're just not popular. - They're just, they're not famous yet. - Sure. - Like Ilfinish, the girl who played my girlfriend in season, she was like Bobby's, she was Axelrod's secretary and we had like a romantic thing. She's huge now. She's in like, she was in that new Spike Lee movie, she's like everywhere and she's a fantastic actress. But you like, you know what it is, it's like. - They were coming up these guys, was it? - Yeah, it's like. - It felt like when I was in comedy and you saw the people that were just kind of doing it, just to do it and not really in it. And then they would see like the people that were in it and they're like, oh you're in it, you're like doing mics and writing bits. That's how it feels with like young actors is, like I felt like I was like, in influence we're trying to do stand up. That's how I felt in their world. Like I was like. - Are you out of it now? Are you gone? Are you never gonna do it? - I mean like, I would do trillion. - Trillions? - The new ones? - Oh yeah. - You were the Saudi Arabian kings. - I want to bring book billions, but call it trillions. Where is my fee? Bring my fee. - To be heading square. - To my fee. And then it's me going, I talk so much shit when all those guys came over. It is like one of those things where, it was like an awesome experience. - Sure. - It also showed me that like I'm not for that. Like I'm just not. I think like there's, I think I would act in stuff if people wanted me to. And they were just kind of like, hey act in this, but I could never see a world where I'm like. - Really passionate about auditioning. - Just out there. 'Cause you gotta do especially now. Their like the amount of jobs they have is so limited. And if you're like, I would just be dunkin' up the works. I would just be like, I don't really even care about that. Like I like stand up. That's all I want to do. - 100%. - So it is like interesting. But when I would watch, like, you're talking about doing a scene with GMODI, you're like, you're so good at this. - He's so good at it. - Even I'm watching. - I did most of my scenes with Damian Lewis. And you banned a brother. - Yeah, that's the way we went. - We banned the brothers, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You guys fucking done a ton of shit. And I would watch him act and I'd be like, yeah, I would like want to talk to him about it. I'd be like, that was crazy. You like did it completely different. But it still worked. One time it was like season two and he was like yelling at us in this lecture and they filmed him first, like giving the speech at this lecture hall. And then they turned it around to like, 'cause he like yells at me and yells at a couple people in the crowd during it or whatever. And a lot of the times like big actors, they'll turn it around and they'll just like stand there and read their lines. Like they won't, this motherfucker was like acting while we were doing it. - Off camera, yeah. - And he was like off camera and there was like a crane shot that they were doing. And I remember he was yelling doing his monologue and then he dipped under the crane mid-yell and came back up yelling and I was like, in my head I was like, I almost missed my cue 'cause I was like, that's a motherfucking act there. But every time I'd be like, I suck. We were doing an episode that same season where John Singleton, the guy that did boys in the hood, like a legendary director, he directed an episode and the scene was like me, Ilfanesh, Maggie Sif and Damian Lewis. And I was just sitting there and I was like, why am I here? (laughing) You're just waiting for one person. - Yeah, I was waiting for like single John Singleton's assistant to go, why are you here? 'Cause I was just in a chair and I was like, I don't know. I generally, all I want to do is go outside and take a one-hitter and come back and watch you guys do the scene. I don't even want to be a part of it. - So funny. - But it is like. - Yeah, you can see it happen. Tim was talking, Tim Dillon was talking about that time. He got shouted at on Batman. - Oh yeah. (laughing) - He was like. - So you're fucking lines, right? - Oh, he was in Joker too, which I never saw. - Yeah, Joker, yeah. - But Tim is like, I don't know. Tim could be, if Tim was up in stuff. Tim is such his own personality that he pops up in stuff as Tim Dillon. - You know what I mean? He's talking to the, he's talking to the Joker. - I get it, I get it. - Listen, what you guys are doing, I think is fantastic. - Yeah, why you gotta do something? - Gotham City's been giving away money. Why not take some of it? I think burn a little. - What do we do, what do we do? - Yeah, it is like, you know when, you know, similar to like Trump showing up in Home Alone too, where his cameo isn't like, oh my god, they don't have to say, oh my god, that's Donald Trump, he goes, go down the hall and do that, like, Tim is like, he's like Charles Barkley. He like shows up at something and he goes, Charles Barkley isn't gonna play like the sheriff. He's gonna be like, oh, Charles Barkley. He's like, what the hell is going on here? That's Tim, he just shows up and he's like, where am I? I love it. I love that he's that big. - Yeah, it's great. - Yeah, also like, Tim's gonna get to the point where he can maybe fix big problems in your life. If you go, listen, there's a rezoning happening in Colorado with my mom and I'll go, let me talk though. - I got it guy. - I can make it. - Yeah, and then you go, he's gone missing. - You know what I'm saying? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, put him back. - Put him back. - I'm one of the extensions on the application. I need you to be the guy to call me that goes, you and call him talking about Mr. Beast has got yourself into some trouble. And you go, oh no, he reached out to you. - I got a guy on the inside. - Yeah. - I know Beast, I know Mrs. Beast. We go to the Hamptons. We go to the Hamptons quite often. That is the weird part about like, watching your friends get so famous that like, I don't know, there is a point where you go like, oh, the movies were right, where you go like, - Ain't it about the music anymore, man? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what happened to you? - Yeah, chain is stayed, chain. - Sure. - And I think that's, we always joke around that it's because of it's a deep level of self hatred. - Yeah, that's a nice one. It's also been like four weeks of like, being the most famous guy. Like it's been so. - So we've been famous really for like five years. You know what I mean, but when you see the other people, you go, damn, it really does like long term. It's like the presidency. Like when they show a picture of Obama before the presidency and then after eight years and you're like, whoa, that's what I think. - I wouldn't even need to be have fame. I fight this own, if I just owned my own house, I think that would be enough for me to be a shithead to everyone. If I just had my own house, I'd be like, fuck all of you, I'd be, you would hate me. - I would feel like I'm better than everyone else. - See? - Try taking. - Try taking. - I own it. - I got a gun. - Do it. - Take it. - If you want, try it. - I absolutely understand that energy and I want it. - I just, yeah. - Just own a home and be like, get off my phone. - I'm treating my life like the walkin' dead. - Yeah. - People are like, oh, get off my land. - Brother, there ain't no community no more. There is a level of that where I can never get to that level 'cause I have, I would wanna walk away too easy. Like if I made like what those guys make in a year, I would be like. - Bro, I have a compound at just outside of Billings, Montana. - Oh my God. - And I've got, yeah, a couple of my cousins are hired at Sniper, fuckin' Sniper's. No one's comin' for me, but I just want them to be there. - Do you mean Durango, Colorado, when you'd be like, is that Dan Soder, I'd just have a giant beard and I'd go, shut the fuck up. - Yeah. - Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you. The gun away thing is real big. People, I don't think celebrities right now because of everybody, I'm not talkin' about comedians, I'm talkin' about just in general celebrities. I think celebrities in general lost a really important tool they used to have in the '90s, in 2000s, which it was probably easier to do because there was an industry of leaving. Like going away for two years and then comin' back out with something. - 'Cause now. - There you go. 'Cause like, I like Ryan Reynolds. I love him. - Any of them are just like, they're like posts, like Sydney Swiney, he's just like posted on a boat every day. - Everywhere and it is, and you know, I don't really know, I don't think, as far as the individual goes, it's harder to blame them because it is how societies built right now and everyone I'll tell you, like once people are watching you to get everything you can. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But then you think about people back in the day and you're like, I used to get so excited when Chris Rock would be like, I have a new special coming out. Like, I haven't heard from you in like five years. - I forgot you were around. And now I'm like super excited for your new thing. So I think people are just hanging around too long. And I feel like I do that all the time, even like with this. I feel like I'm like, is this me hanging around too much? - Yeah. - Are you guys getting too much of me? - Yeah. - Like when people are like, no, that's like, people will be like, you should do the regs every week and I'm like, but that's not how it is. You want us to not see each other. - 100%. - So when we see each other, it's authentic. But it is. like a weird place we're in right now. - Yeah, it's kind of, you know what bar shows kind of died out, I think because of this, in New York, 'cause it used to be a time when like, that's a you, Samarrel, whoever was coming up. - Yeah. - People were like, "Oh, that guy's sick. We gotta go see him." At some, I like, Hannibal's club, 'cause that's who you see. Now, someone goes, "Oh, there's a new dance order." You just immediately go on the Instagram page, just seven and a half hours of him doing jokes. And then you go, "I'll never leave my house." - And that's why I think I'm like, "I'm pretty, I'm a stickler for what I really stand up for." - Sure. - Because if you come, like, I'm on tour right now, none of that shit's online. - No. - None of that shit's online. - I don't know any of that. - And you know what's great about that is, the one thing that, if we did have the taser, this is when Pimp would tas me about comedy. - No, no, well. - 'Cause it'll give me a heart attack, and I'm not dying on air. - Did you come up with a taser thing? - No, I bought one. - And then I ran. We had a Nerf gun on our podcast. For any time someone got too serious, we'd shoot them in the face. But then the turns out it was just the whole thing. It was the whole show, it was just us. - Yeah. - Just saying. - I bought it. - 'Cause the Mexican standoff, the whole pod. - I bought a taser for any time I talked about comedy too long. - Sure, I got it. - He was like, "I'm sorry, but then I read the instructions." And it was like, "This is for a hog. "If you do this to a person, they'll die." And I was like, "So I just have it in there." 'Cause then if shit pops off. 'Cause I can't taste, you literally can't taste me. - No, I don't kill you. - What, really? - No, it says like, and I looked at a phone. - How'd you get it into this state? - Amazon. (laughing) - You could buy it on Amazon. - Shadow basil. - And it looks just on the thing, it says, "Do not interact with me." - Do not do this on a podcast for a bit. - Do not. (laughing) - Your sponsors will be very mad. (laughing) - Whitney Cummins died years ago doing this bitch. - She got brought back. - We rebuilt her. - You think that's what she's doing right now? - We rebuilt her. - She's on the other side. - We brought her back against her will. But it is, it's like-- - Too much money would have been lost. - But I feel like we stand up. It's like everything, you know, I don't want anything online because how shitty that would be to like see something and then go see, it's the opposite of what-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Music. - Music, you wanna know what you're going to see, but stand up, it's like, it's a trick. - I get that, but I'm about to, I am literally the guy that I have to. I'm about to just be a content queen. - Dog. - I'm about to queen it up. - I'm gonna tell you right now. - I'm gonna be in a fucking van talking about how-- - Bitch, show your butt hole. I'll subscribe to your own thing. - I'm doing some shit. - There is a moment where you do have to decide that. - I'm just going, I can't. - When I was talking to Pimp before, when I left the bonfire, there was like a year where I had nothing. And it's like, people that love stand up are gonna come out and see you, but it's the other people that fill the seats. - Sure. - So you have like your core audience, which always is gonna wanna watch you do stand up, which thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You're the fucking best. - Yeah, shout out to my two. - But then, it is funny. Then you watch the people that are like, with you when you put out shit and like leave and you go, "Why don't I do this?" And we talked and he's like, "I'll just put out shit for you." 'Cause you hate doing it. And you're like, "Yeah, great. Be my butthole." She's poop stuffed out for me. 'Cause I am such a tight butthole. I'm constipated as far as-- But then you do have to be conscious of like, "Well, I don't wanna put out that stand up. I don't think it's ready to be filmed yet." Because I feel like there are people that are like, blah! Of course, I got more, I got more. And it's, I'd be mad as fuck. If I was like, "You didn't even work on this." - Yeah. - You're just like, "What are you guys going to town now?" - I don't know. I think that could be just like this idea of waiting for this perfect stand up. Might be just like an old thing. And that's whatever the equivalent of, these old guys going, "You're burning your hour." That's the act. Now we're like, "No, no, no, no. It's the first thought you have comes to your head." You drove it out there. This time, next week they'll forget about Charlie Kirk. - Poop isn't supposed to be solid. It's supposed to be loose and liquid-like. And you're like, "I think that's diarrhea." So we're like, forcing out. - Yeah. - Dude, I can sit here on my couch and talk all the shit I want about fucking burger rating videos or whatever. - Yeah. - Watch me six years from now being like, "Hey guys, I'm reviewing old action figures." These ones are pretty sturdy. - Well, I'm about to get into like survival content where I just like go out to Montana and try and not get in my beer. - I like that. - And it's like, "Worse case scenario, I get eaten by a beer." - You know what I mean? - Why do we? - Guess what? Your lovely wife is gonna have to edit that footage. - Either way, those bills are gone. - Yeah, that is crazy. Did you ever watch the movie Grizzly Man? About the guy that was just curious? - I know about it. I know about that guy, yeah. - It's a. - I am organized in the hike though, too. Wyoming, we're in the beers. I'm gonna do a solo like eight day walk. Like I'm. - Can I ask someone from Colorado? How experienced with hiking are you? - I've done some hiking. I think I'll be going. I'm not gonna go in raw. I'm not gonna just like survive a plane crash. No, it's not wilderness. - You're not going naked and afraid. - No, no, I'm not beer grills. I have to like make a bomb and. - You're gonna have like a pack, but. - No, you have a pack with you and then there's like a. - What are you gonna do in Wyoming? You're gonna go up to the National Park? - It's Saudi Yellowstone. There's a place called the Thorefer, which is the most isolated part in the lower 48. And it's an eight day hike. But like, I've watched loads of videos of people. There's literally like old women who are like 60, go. And then they walk, but they walk and then they have to go, "Hey, bear! Hey, bear! Hey, bear!" - And then the bears go, "Hah! Everyone away!" - Yeah. - That bears only realized. - The ones that don't? - Yeah. - The ones that are gonna be the biggest problem. Bears are just scary as fuck. - I'm like, I'm like Mr. Bear or whatever. I'm like, what the fuck? - Oh, you're like Grizzly Man? - I'm Grizzly Man. - So that's Quincy. - Yeah, I'm not gonna go in the corner. - Who saw a documentary? - Look, he goes, Quincy, Quincy doesn't like to be done. And that's the one that kills him. - Yeah, yeah. - The whole time he's like, that's my friend. - And then the bears like, watch this. - Yeah. - Oh. - Dude, when I lived with my aunt, she lived in a town in Alaska called Soldatna. - Oh yeah. - And she like, you know, had a house, but she owned like an acre behind it. And she had a neighbor that was like maybe 50 yards next to her. And they had a house, they had an acre behind them. But it was up this like fucking giant hill. And it's like light all the time. So it's like one in the morning. - It's just 24 hours or so. - It's like kind of dusk, you know? - Yeah. - And they had this golden tree root that they used to fucking have chained in the back. Which I always thought was like weird. It's a golden tree root. It's like, it's an inside fluffy dog. - Sure. - What are you doing having to keep it on outside? But there, dude, the dog was outside. - It's a Jurassic Park situation. - Dude, almost, it almost looked exactly like it. 'Cause it was a stake in the ground with a chain link thing and it was pinned. And the dog is like, I, I, I, I, and I look up the hill and there's just this giant brown bear. - Yeah. - Like looking down at the hill, but like, I wanna see 20 yards between the dog and the bear. And the bear's like, oh no. - Making this noise and I was smoking a cigarette and I was like, I might have to watch this dog get eaten by a bear. - Yeah. - Like, I can't go inside and not know what happened. - Yeah, it's not a fucking open shooter, dude. - Yeah. - You got it, you got it. - The bear ain't gonna be like, I don't know. What are you looking at? - Yeah. - You're next. - Yeah. - Tell 'em what you saw. - But I also didn't wanna go inside and then go to bed and wake up the next day and there's just a chain on the ground and I go, what happened? - There's a bunch of dog legs. - Yeah. - Just the hair and then a chain on the ground. And I watched you, dude. And this fucking bear like got a little bit closer, growling, but the dog was just like, (humming) And finally, the bear was like, now you're difficult. - Yeah, yeah. - These guys don't want the fuck. - They don't want you. - And last, it's fucking grizzly man and he's doing a little selfie and it's right before, 'cause that was nap time, right? They were about to go on their big long winter nap and they're cranky like toddlers. And they're about to, and this guy kept video and then they said, "I fucked this." - Did they win? - If you guys, if I have to wake up and this annoying fucker still here, that's the thing. - I just wanna go to bed for four months. If this fucking guy is here, I'm gonna fucking, you know what, fuck this. I'm gonna eat him right now. - Yeah. - And then his pointy. - It's four girls. It's four girls. And it was dragged along with him, remember? Grizzly man. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Not Grizzly woman, 'cause he hadn't met her and honest lady. - Oh. - No. - I'm sure it's muselessly, man. You have Mrs. Grizzly. - And she, that poor woman was like, is you sure this saves like, it's always gray? But he had never gone that time of year. - Yeah. - 'Cause that was right at the end of the, whatever, the feeding season, where they start acting crazy. They also say that on the other end is when they get it. So the therapist, I don't think you're allowed to do it in April because that's when they're all waking up, and if they see it, they'll just come charging. - Yeah, they go, "Well, look at this big bag of meat." - Yeah, they go. - Well, I'm a little pissy, and there's a big bag of meat that I'm faster than. That would be funny though, if we had to hunt bears and just hamburgers were slow. You just saw a hamburger walking and hamburgers like, "Hey human, I'm trying to get you." - Hey. - Oh. - I'm here. - I'm here. - I don't like that talking hamburger. But then one of us goes, "Fuck this shit." You're, "Ah, ah, ah." And then you're like, "It's so good." Do they do that? The first bite with bears, do they go, "This is so good." - Oh, I'm starving. - Like a review. - Yeah. - I'm like, "What's up, everybody? I'm a grizzly bear." - So today we're eating some Irish meat. - Yeah. - The sky, it's a little bit stringier than like the fat American meat. - Yeah, you could barely smoke cigarettes for too long. - Yeah. - But marbled, instantly the fat is marbled. Put its paw behind the beast, so the camera could bigot up. - Yeah, and he's ripping you up. - No, you just rip up this rib here. This is where you get some really good lung. - This is a guy that grew up with not that many saturated fats in his diet. - And I can really tell. - No, we're all not the best, not the worst. I'll give it a 6.2. - My bears, that's how you know nature's healing. When animals are doing review videos of humans, they've killed. - Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah, dude, I don't know, man. We might be cooked. - There's one human that killed a year by a grizzly bear. - Is that what it is? Would I be that guy? I don't think so. The only problem is this. I'll tell you what. This episode would do numbers. Please re-release this. If I get munched by a bear. If I survive and I'm by the injured, that doesn't count. And then the podcast cringes like. Now he's dancing. He's saying the poem. He wants him to die. I mean, can you be any fucking Dharma? Can you beat? They just said don't go hiking. This is brand-in-sharp level of stupidity. The fact that he thinks that bears want to eat him, 'cause he's Irish. Shies are incredibly stupidity. The problem I've heard of this is not the bear, 'cause he called startled a bear. That's the worst part is because. That's why they're embarrassed. You see, go behind. You just said of a bitch. No, they go, ah! Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. They book, they book out. That's what happens. That's what the worst is. 'Cause if they see it, they'll probably run away. Right? But they'll get. If they have kids, they'll connect them. But if you scared them. But what happens is you pull out your fucking bear spray. And if the wind is going towards you, you end up just spraying yourself in the face. Oh, see? And then the bear may fall asleep. He goes, "Well, ah, ah, which is worse?" It comes over, he goes, "I'm gonna get you." Yeah, no, he chases and you don't run away. He's like, ah, this is kind of a. I don't know. It's kind of fun if you run away. Yeah, yeah. You need you to be into it. Yeah, 100%. You're just laying there. It just feels easy. I don't know. I used to talk shit about moose, 'cause they eat plants. And they don't move. I just feel like a hypocrite. Can you run? Yeah. Can you run? Dude, that's absolutely something I would do if Katie and I were on a hike. And I was like, "Kady, I got this. This is why I brought the bear amaze. 'Cause he's watching it drift into her face." And she's like, "Ah, I'm like, oh shit. Oh, I'm drowning here. Oh, God." Yeah. The bear just pushes right by you. You look after her. He's like, "Wow. Thanks for seasoning this one for me." 100%. Yeah. Dude, I wouldn't want to do. Fuck that. Be careful. I will see. I do have to run this by my wife. So there's a huge. There's a big chance that Jesus goes, "Absolutely, nah." Where do you find it? I'm going in. Uh. August, I think. I got to look into it more. I do got to look into it more. But we'll see. Dude. But I would love to do it. Eight days. Me. Was it in the middle of nowhere? You come back. Come back. There's me like a year from now. Yeah, maybe. I'll come back. Yeah, I love that. This is like I've gone off the war. Yeah. Come back. Come back to me. Make sure you see me. Hey, write to me while you're out there. I'm gonna give you a letter with perfume that I wear. Open this when you get there. Promise me you'll wait until you get it. Yeah. You come back in the giant. Well, dude, there was. Yeah, we sat our watch just to look at them this time. Yeah. Is it the same time? I just know Colin's somewhere in Wyoming right now. I'm just. Help! Soda! I hope he's. I hope he's getting. I hope he's looking up at the same moon. Just the bear eating your insides. Yeah, go to my YouTube channel. Colin is fucking hilarious. I've known him forever. Yeah. Glad he moved to America. Thank you. And I hope he doesn't get killed by a bear in Wyoming. Thanks, guys. That's it. Thank you.