INTRODUCING: Excuse Me, That's Illegal

Hey, I'm Tara Sarabhan and this is not an episode of World's Jummers criminals. It's an episode of "Excuse me, that's illegal!" A hilarious podcast that takes a hardcore look at some soft core crimes. Next and creator, Lee Roy Luna has been making this show for over two years and is a pioneer in the dumb criminals podcast genre. Lee Roy is a funny dude with a chill attitude who occasionally bursts into song and I dig all those things about him. No top pick is too ridiculous, no crime is too stinky and no pun too punny for this guy. He will take you places you may not be sure you want to go but once you get there you'll be like "Hell yeah!" and it's to Native so you're going to love him! Lee Roy really gets into the nitty gritty of all the nutty cases he covers and goes into them in great detail. Surprisingly we don't have much crossover in the bizarre stories that we cover so if you haven't listened to "Excuse me, that's illegal yet." The vast majority of cases will probably be ones that you haven't heard. If you're a fan of dumb criminal stories you're ripping yourself off if you're not regularly inserting our boy Lee Roy into your ears. Please enjoy this episode of "Excuse me, that's illegal" and then subscribe to the show. This podcast may cause dizziness, confusion, bloating, uncontrollable laughter and in some cases anal leakage. This in a discretion is strongly advised. Hey, this is episode number 76 of "Excuse me, that's illegal." The podcast takes a hardcore look, get some soft core crimes. I'm your boy, Lee Roy, coming at you straight out of the closet with a couple of tails where people got some hair in their food. That is always disgusting, a real turn off and can ruin an otherwise delicious meal. And that's just if it's a hair off someone's head. As you can probably gather from the title of this episode, these hairs came from somewhere else and are of the shortened curly variety. It's going to be awesome. I received a lot of positive feedback from the two-year anniversary special last week, so I just want to thank you all for that. It's nice to hear. And I'm glad most of you didn't skip it. I try my best to give you honest answers while keeping it fun and lighthearted, just like the show. I'm probably going to make this an annual thing, so start working on more wacky questions for next year. Let's get a couple of pub jokes in. Compliments of upjoke.ca, then move on with the show, shall we? So I sat down with my son for the sex talk. And let's just say it did not go well. I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?" He said, "Trim your pubes?" I go, "No, no, no. Something else." He said, "Wash your penis?" I said, "No, not that either." Then he replies, "Geez, no wonder mom never has sex with you." "He's got a good point there. Tough to argue that one." And the other day I was daydreaming, just lying down on the couch and I thought, "Hey, my pubes are a lot like the ocean." Yeah, it's true. Because if you go exploring long enough, you'll find crabs. Oh, right, everybody hop in the minivan and let's cruise these suburban streets as I sarenage you with more tails of low-level true crab. "Don't worry, my friends. I promise to get you back home shortly. But first, we're going to go out for a fine meal. Don't forget to bring a hair net." Episode number 76. Pube pluckers. I've had a lot of strange experiences with my food at restaurants. I've already told you a lot of them. Had a short and curly hair on my salad once. Turned out to be the Greek waiter's wiry arm hair, or so he said, "A fingernail in my big mac. A hair on my hoagie. A piece of plastic in my slice of pizza." That was gross and chewy. Yet, I keep going back to restaurants. Call me a glutton for punishment. Or maybe just a glutton. Still, I can proudly tell you that these experiences were real. I didn't have to fabricate them to try to get a discount or a free meal. And that's something the slime balls in these stories cannot honestly say. Okay, our first story takes us to Blackburn, which is an industrial town located in East Lancashire, England. That's right, we're in the UK, mates. For both stories, actually, which is kind of strange. Both incidents are in Indian restaurants as well, which is also kind of strange. Anywho. Blackburn has a population of approximately 115,000 people, so it's a fair size, and we're going to get right into it. And honing on this one specific spot. One Charlotte Street is the address of a restaurant called Yon's Barbecue. Their website describes it as "authentic Indian food served fresh and hot." Feel the real taste of Indian food cooked in authentic Indian spices. Yeah, that sounds spicy. This barbecue averages a 4.6 star rating from 273 reviews. A year ago, Ahmed gave this glowing five star. Quote. "Awesome place to eat delicious Pakistani cuisine. The lamb curry is amazing. The staff are super friendly and really hardworking. The menu is jam packed with variety and the food is cooked to perfection. Located in a primary of Blackburn, the price is reasonable. Or loot quality place would definitely recommend 10 at a 10." We'll find it later that the owner's name is also Ahmed or Ahmed. Not sure the pronunciation. I'm sure that that's just a coincidence. I've also given my podcast a couple of five star reviews so I shouldn't be throwing any shade his way. Plus that seems to be the general consensus. Delicious food served by friendly, hardworking staff. It's a family affair. Ahmed's son works there as well. You know what I mean? Just trying to make it. Let's go back to August of 2020. It's a Thursday afternoon when a couple of dude bros and their mid-twenty stroll in. And these dudes are hungry. One sporting short shorts and a t-shirt with a backwards cap. The other tight jeans, black hat, forwards, and a fitted black sweater with a red stripe down the side. Let's hear owner Ahmed lay out the scene here because he's got all the deets. Quote. I mean early on a Thursday afternoon last month. They were one of our first customers as we normally open around 1pm. They first asked about the half price offer. Which we said was on Wednesday. They ordered the YAHN's mega platter which cost 55 pounds. I remember thinking at the time this is certainly too big a meal for just two people. And I even mentioned this to them. They also ordered some drinks and pop-a-doms. End quote. The story seems to check out as the place looked empty from the video footage that I saw. These young men appeared to be the only ones dining at the time. YAHN's opens at 1pm on Thursdays, closing at 11pm. So this was shortly after opening and the men order a feast fit for a king. But kings they are not. More like a couple of gestures. Jogers, clowns. Okay calm down, Lira. Just tell the story. I try to find this YAHN's mega platter on their menu to give you a mouth-watering description. But nothing of that name exists. At least not anymore. This mega platter could feed a family of six comfortably. It's a lot of food. These guys are sitting at a large table and it's filled with plates overflowing with a tasty array of Indian cuisine. One of these glutton's is sipping on a can of Coca-Cola. Not a sponsor. Yet. And the other has two drinks. They look tropical. Can't confirm the flavor. You'll have to trust the Daily Mail who say the mega platter consists of three non-bretz, chicken buryani, lamb buryani, chicken kharahi, lamb kharahi, seek kabobs, chicken kabobs, and six lamb chops. This is seemingly a meatlovers dream or a vegetarian's nightmare. Oh and Ahmed said they also ordered poppodoms. I'm unfamiliar with those but Wikipedia says a poppodom. "Is an Indian deep fried dough of black gram bean flour. Either fried or cooked with dry heat until crunchy. Other flowers made from lentil. noodles, chickpeas, rice, tapioca, millet, or potato are also used. Sounds delicious. It is Wikipedia though, so that description could have came from a plumber and Alabama. So take it with a grain of salt. The Yon's Barbecue Menu says it's served with chili dip, mango sauce, mint sauce, and onions. I'm a saucy fellow, so that sounds fabulous. Sign me up. Back to the story here. The waitress, who's serving them, comes by a couple times, ensuring everything is okay with the meal. This is a big sale. These guys are their only customers at the time, so she wants to make sure they're well taken care of. The men have no complaints as they go to town on the "delectable" menu options. She would later say, "I went up to them and asked them if everything was okay. And they seemed happy enough, and said the food was nice." They asked for more drinks. And quote, "Everything was nice. That is until they've eaten majority of the food on their plates, and it's time to pay the bill, time to pony up." And it is a whopping 67 pounds at this point, after the extra beverages and pop-a-doms. 67 pounds is about $80.79 American. That's $104 Canadian dollars, about $115 Australian dollars. If you're living somewhere else, just look it up. I gotta stop there. The point is that it's a pretty good chunk of change for a couple of schmucks having lunch. When the bill arrives, that's when we have a problem. The young men are upset and refused to pay. They point at their platter and disgust. The waitress is appalled when she sees the bushel of hair on their food. Bushel may be a slate exaggeration, but it's not just one or two. There are a few straight hairs, accompanied by several short and curly's. She's apologetic, but also confused. She goes to the back to try to figure out this problem and discuss it with Ahmed and the staff. They smell a rat. Something ain't right here. Ahmed gets his son to play back the security footage. And the results will make your skin crawl. Ahmed quote, "At that point, I thought something is a bit strange and checked the CCTV, and it showed one man putting his hands under his cap, and then into his shorts twice, and sprinkling the contents onto the food." Okay, so the guy wearing the short shorts takes off his cap and runs his fingers through his majestic hair over the plate. Seemingly unsatisfied, that's when he reaches under the leg of his shorts. Does the old reach around on himself? Stuffing his hand in there and pluck some hair off his taint, balls, pubic region. He does this not once, but twice, as his buddy chuckles in amusement. He then sprinkles it all over the platter, like salt bay. It's quite a sight to behold. Armed with this new knowledge, Ahmed, who usually has a, the customer's always right attitude, throws that out the window and confronts the man with what he saw on the camera. They become defensive, visibly annoyed, shouting and swearing at poor Ahmed, making quite the scene. The arguing carries on for close to 10 minutes with another side backing down. Eventually these pub plucking patrons throw 20 bucks at Ahmed before storming out of the restaurant. Ahmed later called police, but not much could be done. The young men got away with a sizable discount from their sleazy scheme. Footage of the incident has made the rounds across the internet. It's fantastic, but unfortunately their faces have been blurred. I like most people in the comment sections and confused as to why they would do that. Putting these dudes on blast would be Ahmed and the rest of the staff at Yon's barbecues best way to seek revenge. Perhaps the blurred faces are just a testament to the type of person Ahmed is. A hard working honorable man, just trying to feed the public while making an honest buck. Final Ahmed quote. "It has not been an easy time for businesses, and this was shocking. If we didn't check the camera that day, then there was no way of finding out the truth. We have always tried to help the customer with any queries they may have and go out of our way to help people. We've got great reviews from people. We run a clean place and things like this are horrible and unfair on hard working folks." End quote. "A. Men to that." These guys are the absolute worst, so disrespectful. You just want to smack them. And it sucks that they didn't receive any type of punishment for their despicable behavior. It'd be nice if we could at least name and shame them, but we couldn't even do that. Don't worry though, because I have another story for you. And this one comes with some repercussions. Let's head on over to Middlesbrough, a town in North Yorkshire England nestled on the southern bank of the River Tees. Sounds lovely. And this place is award-winning, at least according to crimerate.co.uk. They say Middlesbrough holds the title of "Most Dangerous City in North Yorkshire" and is the third most dangerous overall out of North Yorkshire's 699 towns, villages and cities. The overall crime rate, at least in 2021, was 164 crimes per 1,000 people. Say it with me my friends. Yikes! We find ourselves at Jamal's Indian Restaurant on 92 Corporation Road. Jamal is an award-winning curry chef, at least according to the sign displayed out front. I believe it, as most sign is ranked in Raive about his cooking. His personality though, not so much. The establishment averages a 4.5 star rating from 153 Google reviews. Shahab left this four star five months ago. Quote, "The service is slow. The decor is dated. The owner/chef/host is mercurial to say the least and the prices. Give them where it is aren't exactly cheap." However, Jamal's gets a very high four stars from me, because the food is outstanding. As a vegetarian, I often find myself confined to two or three dishes on an Indian menu. Jamal's had even less options for me. But the sagalu was the star of the show. I also had the vegetable biryani, which while well seasoned was subtle and nuanced. The spice is offset by the very carefully measured plump sweet saltanas that occasionally interjected on my palate. Jamal is a truly gifted chef. If you're willing to put up with having to wait a little longer, there's hardly any other staff. Then your patience will be amply rewarded." Damn. Kevin added this five stars just two weeks ago. "It is always at Jamal's the food is fresh and amazing. But don't expect to be in and out in a flash as Jamal goes at his own speed. Also don't book. Just show up. He hates it when you book a table." Jamal is giving off some soup Nazi vibes. I love it. And hey, owning your own business and basically doing everything yourself can be stressful. Jamal is an amazing chef who maybe lacks that bedside manner, but I'm willing to deal with that for some delicious food. You don't have to be best friends with a chef. And I'm sure he's cool. Just a little bit misunderstood. The hours are interesting for a guy who takes his time. Jamal is only open from 5.30pm to 10pm Sunday to Thursday, a little later Friday and Saturday nights closing at 11. And he rests on Mondays. Those are the store hours now, perhaps he opened longer 10 years ago. And I say that because we're going back in time to November of 2012. A 40 year old, part-time douche, part-time scum, bag, named Lee Tires enters the building with a buddy. Say what you will about Jamal, Chowdhury's personality, but as I originally thought he's not that bad. A bit of a softy as it would seem, as Lee as a regular. In fact, this man has been dining at the restaurant off and on for the past 18 years. And he has let him run up a tab of 110 pounds from previous visits where he always had some sort of excuse for not paying. But not this time, Jamal was still cool about it though. When Lee places order, he said, "You need to pay for this meal. This is the last straw." But you know what? As long as you pay for it, I promise to ignore your previous debts. Fair enough. The meal Lee ordered came to 40 pounds. He said, "Yeah, yeah, of course." He'd pay. He's good for it. And the man feasted on two lamb bonas, plow rice, non, some tasty beverages, a chapati, and a shish kabab. He went smooth as the man lapped up the delicious food, ate everything on their plates. But things took a strange turn when it was time to pay the bill. Lee refused to pay as the food had an extra ingredient he wasn't expecting. Let's hear about the situation from Jamal's point of view. Quote, "He showed me his plate. And I said, "I gave you a clean plate. He had eaten everything. But then on the side of the plate there was some brown hair. It was separate and not mixed into the food. I took it under the light and showed him. It was brown hair. And said that all the staff in the restaurant had black hair. I told him, "If you pay for the meal now, I will look at the CCTV footage, and if I find there's something wrong, I will pay him back." End quote. This wasn't good enough for Lee, any brief argument ensued. The men walked out without paying. As they were leaving, Jamal shouted, "If you don't pay, I will call the police. You are trying to ruin my business." After the men left, Jamal viewed the footage, and sure enough, he saw Lee reach into his trousers and pull out some pubes that he sprinkled off to the side of his plate. This prompted Jamal to call police, and a couple days later, Lee was arrested, and Lee's response to all of the officer's questions was no comment. Eventually the man would duke it out in court, Lee speaking as his His own witness said his friend was going to pay for the meal that night, and Jamal tried to get the man to pay for all of Lee's previous debts, and that he wouldn't just accept payment for that specific meal. His friend backed him up saying, quote, "We tried to pay three times, but it was declined." He said he wanted a hundred and something pounds, and I said, "That's not to do with me." End quote. The prosecutor said Lee and his buddy took advantage of Jamal's laid back personality and, quote, "If Mr. Chowdhury was offered forty pounds, why wouldn't he take it?" There's nothing on the CCTV that shows anybody trying to pay. End quote. And there wasn't. These men were clearly lying. Thankfully the judge saw right through it. Lee was found guilty of fraud by false representation. Finally in June of 2013, Lee was sentenced to 14 days in jail, two weeks. That ain't bad. And he had to pay Jamal forty pounds compensation. It should have been 150 pounds if he asked me, but we'll take what we can get. At least he had to serve some hard time. I'm assuming he was also banned from the restaurant. One can only hope. Lessons to be learned today? Eh, don't either restaurant if you don't have the money, I guess? And there really is no such thing as a free lunch. Because even if you don't shell out the money, if you have to lie, cheat, or steal to get it, you still end up paying with your dignity. And we are back. That's rap on episode number 76, pub pluckers. I hope you enjoyed that one. Wow, some people have no shame. It really is fascinating. As always, I want to thank my pal Steffi for voicing the disclaimer, the operator for providing that sweet sweet theme music, and my boo for editing this episode. Okay, you know what time it is? Listen to her confession time, baby! Oh, and shut out to Olivia Newton-John, who sadly passed away last week at the age of 73. She was the inspiration for this theme song. RIP young lady? This one's for you. Let's get criminal, criminal. I want to get criminal. Hoi Lee Roy, Ray in England here. Love the show. I have listened to every show and I have loved them all. This is not a listener confession, but hey, I am confessing for somebody else's sins. Okay, my English accent is pretty bad. I'll just speak normally here. Alright, Ray, what do you got for us? At the start of the year, my brother-in-law had a heart attack. This shocked everyone as he was a very fit man and worked as a builder. Everything seemed well until he had a heart attack out of the blue and ended up having a triple bypass. Oh man. It was quite scary to see the massive scars on the chests and on the legs where veins had to be removed. I bet. Fortunately, he is on the men now and everything is going the right way. The story is about his good friend, who is known as Blahbo. Blahbo? Blahbo is known as Blahbo because he was 36 years old and 26 stone, but only 5 feet 9 inches tall. Quick side note, one stone is equivalent to 14 pounds, so this gentleman Blahbo weighed 364 pounds if that makes it easier for you. His eating and drinking habits were extreme as he drank 4 to 5 2 liter bottles of coke a day. And lunch was a KFC family bucket meal to himself. Damn. Every day for lunch, he was eating a John Wayne Gacy's final meal. It's crazy. Blahbo has two young daughters and the sight of their uncle nearly dying has terrified them. They told their dad, "We don't want you to have a heart attack and then maybe die like their uncle." Blahbo has taken their concerns to heart and has turned over a new leaf. He has cut out the coke and the junk food, gone on a diet, and now takes regular exercise after work. Even though he works hard as a builder, he's determined to return to his younger self. The story comes about when he was power walking around a well-known park in northeast Birmingham. As part of his regime, he eats a lot of fiber every day. Oh dear. I see where this is headed. Unfortunately, an irresistible urge to go to the toilet came over him. The problem was he was in the middle of a park half a mile from the nearest toilet. He quickly went behind a large oak tree on a hill at the edge of the park. He dropped his tracksuit bottoms and left a turd the size of a 12-inch subway roll. Just then he heard the sound of a woman's voice approaching and the noise of a dog so he quickly pulled up his tracksuit bottoms, walked around the tree, and looked innocent. He saw a woman with a large labrador walking towards him and made polite conversation as the dog circled the tree and snuffled about. They walked off in different directions. He decided to go to a nearby bin to get a carrier bag to get rid of the evidence. Good man, I would have just taken off. Just as he walked off, he heard the lady admonish the dog. Toby! Oh my god, you naughty boy! She said he returned a couple minutes later and cannot find the turd anywhere. It appears the concerned citizen cleaned up what she thought was her dog's monster turd and took it away with her. When asked did he run after the lady to confess to her what actually happened, he said, "Bloody hell, would you?" "Lie Roy, best to let sleeping logs lie." "I thought you might enjoy this true story. Keep up the good work, mate. Best wishes?" "Rae." "Okay, bravo, Ray. You tell one hell of a story. I loved it. And I hope you, your brother-in-law, and Blobo were doing well. Blobo, I gotta give him props for turning his life around. It can be tough when you get set in your ways, but kids can be a great motivator. I have a different take on the end of your story. I don't think the lady picked up the giant turd when she said, "Toby, you naughty boy!" I'm picturing her watching in horror as the dog scoops it up and eats it. That's directly where my mind went as I have known dogs who had a taste for turds. Just some food for thought. Great story, either way. And like Ray said, he was confessing for someone else's sins and that's okay. Some of you have told me you wish you had a confession to tell on the air, but didn't have one. Maybe you have a friend or a family member who found themselves in some hot water, and you could tell us all about it on their behalf. Excuse me, that's [email protected], is the email? Send me your criminal confessions. If you're looking to get more lee Roy in your life, and you want to help your boy out, there's always Patreon. Where for the price of a big Mac a month, you can get early ad free episodes and some kick ass bonus content. I've been doing Patreon for a year now, so you'd immediately get access to at least 24 bonus episodes as I do two extra shows a month soon to be adding a third. So lots to keep you entertained over there. Patreon.com/excuse me, that's illegal to join up. If you just look at the description of this episode and scroll down, you'll find links to the Patreon, PayPal, the email, all my social media stuff, and you can be there with just the click of a button. Makes it much more easy for you. Right, that's all I got for you for now. Meet me back here in another 10 days, and I'll serve you up another hair free, hearty helping of soft course gum baggery. Peace. [Music]