Insult Dogs and Emotional Support Alligators

(upbeat music) - From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." The NPR news quiz. I'm Alzo Slade, filling in for "No One." (audience laughing) I am the filling. And here's your host at the Student Breaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois. Peter Sego. - Thank you, Alzo. Thank you, everybody. (audience cheering) Thank you. I have to be back home in Chicago. Thank you so much. We have a wonderful show for you today. Later on, we're gonna be talking to the legendary comedy writer, Robert Smigel. He is also the hand up the butt of triumph, the insult comic dog. His latest project is a podcast where he and his friends give advice to non-funny people on how to be funny and no, we don't need his help. We're just visiting with him. (audience laughing) We'd love to have a chat with you too. Give us a call. The number is one, AAA, wait, wait. If that's one, 888-924-892-4. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." - Hi, this is Emily Dykhaus, and I'm calling from Holland, Michigan. - Holland, Michigan, there, on the opposite shore. (audience cheering) From Lake Michigan, we can walk outside and wave to you across the lake. What do you do there? - So, I actually work as an admin assistant and an occasional grant writer for a nonprofit immigration legal office here in Holland, and that is probably us. (audience cheering) Thank you, and that's probably as stressful as it sounds. - Yeah, I was about to, I mean, yeah, you probably didn't think that you'd be like, I don't know, a warrior for good when you took that job. Well, welcome to the show, Emily. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, she's a writer and comedian who most recently wrote for "Clean Slate," if that's available on Prime and Shantira Jackson. - Hi, Emily. (audience cheering) - Thank you. (audience applauding) - Next, he's a comedian. You can see in Portland, Oregon, at Kickstand, July 18th, and in Denver, at Dude IDK Studio in July 24th and 25th, it's Shane Torres. (audience applauding) - Hello. - Hi. - And he is a co-host of the podcast, The Nightly, and we'll be performing at the comedy studio in Cambridge, Massachusetts on September 19th. It's Josh Gondelman. Hello. (audience applauding) - So Emily, welcome to the show. You're gonna play Who's Alzo this time? Alzo Slade is gonna read you three quotes from this week's news if you can correctly identify. Or explain just two of them. You will win our prize any voice from our show. You might choose for your voice smell. Are you ready to play? - I hope so. I've been listening to the show for years, so I'm so excited. - Yeah, we're not gonna do any of that material though. (audience laughing) - It's all new. - President Barack Obama. (audience laughing) - Here, Emily, is your first quote. It was heard in New York City Wednesday night. - My mayor's Muslim, my bagels Jewish, the folks on our side, Nick's in five. (audience laughing) - That was the chant heard across New York City as for the first time since 1973, the Nick's, we're on the verge of winning what? - The NBA championship. - Yes, the NBA championship. (audience cheering) New York has fallen in love with this team with millions of New Yorkers discovering just this week that they are lifelong Nick's fans. (audience laughing) This has become a national story. Some say that's just because so much media is based in New York but according to the media based in New York, shut up, rubs. (audience laughing) Everybody is talking about all the celebrities who go to the Nick's games like Timothy Schalamann, Spike Lee. But that's not fair. San Antonio has celebrities at their games too. Timothy Schalamann, Spike Lee, have been flying in for them. (audience laughing) - I'm a big New York Liberty fan. That's my one New York team. - The WWE team. - The WWE team. - And every Liberty game, they shall write our friend Libuance on the channel of July and everyone goes crazy. No, there's other celebrities too, but Fran is a mainstay. And they're just so excited to see her. It's awesome. - The finals have affected all of New York, even for people who don't follow basketball traffic, nonexistent during the games you can walk into the most exclusive restaurants in the city without a reservation. And of course, there's no better time to break into Timothy Schalamann's house. (audience laughing) - I don't want anything out of there. (audience laughing) - I'm gonna be fun though, just to know you can wander around. - Just wander around and find the skinniest pants. - Oh yeah. (audience laughing) - This is true, by the way. Most people, very excited about the next, except for June brides. - Oh. - And apparently it just got worse because now with the games going back to San Antonio for perhaps the deciding game on Saturday, all of those weddings are like in chaos, right? It's just like, who's gonna be focusing on the wedding? I mean, everybody's gonna be a little teary eyed at the, where's her father dance? (audience laughing) - I gave away my little girl in 20 grand. (audience laughing) - My sweet daughter, Calci. (audience laughing) A beautiful name for a baby girl. - All right, here is your next quote. It's from a commenter in the New York Times on a story. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one. People are staring at these at night, instead of having sex. - That was someone talking about two new studies that have finally proved that what technology has caused the birth rate to decline. - Oh my God, I feel like it's cell phones, but I also feel like I'm way too obvious. - It's way too obvious, but apparently it's true. It's specifically smartphones. Yes. - Oh my God. (audience cheering) - Yes, New Research has finally proved something. People have long suspected the arrival of smartphones in 2007 directly caused a significant drop in the birth rate. That is why so many since then have felt the sting of hearing not tonight, honey. I'm watching a miniature pony play the piano. (audience laughing) We have to be clear about how this happened, right? It's not like physiological, like guys can be like, no, no, no, no, we don't need to use protection. I have any Android. (audience laughing) Honestly? (audience laughing) That would work for Tokyo. You have an Android? Some girls might not look up to you. - This is how they proved it. At first, you may remember, only AT&T customers could get an iPhone. So researchers looked at places back then, which had AT&T coverage and compared them to birth rates in places that didn't and discovered that when they had AT&T coverage, birth rates dropped. That's why AT&T initially offered the, you'll never have a family plan. (audience laughing) - But I do think this is great because they can start using that in the advertisement, right? Google Pixel, it's better than sex. (audience laughing) - Reproductive health scientists desperate to reverse this, they're trying to come up with a way to make sex as exciting as wordl. (audience laughing) - Oh look, honey, we got it in two. (audience laughing) - For an NPR crowd, I don't know that they'll clear that bar. (audience laughing) - That's true. All right, here Emily is your last quote. - Guys, it's just sex mix. - That was a writer in Bloomberg news talking about how something new is just really the same old thing proving America has lost its genius when it comes to creating new what? - I think I'm gonna need a hint. - Well, what is sex mix? - What? - It's a snack. - It is snacks, yes. - Oh my God. (audience laughing) - America is the snack capital of the world, but apparently we have lost our sense of innovation and creativity. It's left us dreaming of the days when you'd be at the store and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, sour cream and onion. (audience laughing) Bloomberg says we're in a crisis after the winner of this year's powerhouse snack award, there is one, was Hershey's dot snack mix, a blend of pretzels corn cereal and pita chips and garlic rye chips. In other words, yeah, it's just sex mix. They're just recycling old snacks and new packaging. This cannot stand, we need a Manhattan project, but for free toes. (audience laughing) - You know what was getting bad when we all allowed flame and hot to be a flavor? (audience laughing) - 'Cause neither one of those words is a flavor. - That's right. (audience laughing) - That's bad. - Yeah. - It's just the same thing twice. - Yeah. (audience laughing) - And usually used in contexts that are not particularly appetizing, like how does that sore feel? - Flaming. - Flaming hot. - It's a real Mountain Dew Code rent. - You're right. - Well, this America punishes snack innovation. We shouldn't be surprised. IKEA had horse in their meatballs and we shut that down right away. (audience laughing) - The hummish innovator is true. - He true. - But there's 85 different Oreos. I want more. We walk on. - 86. - Also, how did Emily do in her quiz? - She was perfect, three out of three. - Congratulations. (audience cheering) - Thank you so much, Ric Land. Take care. (upbeat music) to answer some questions about this week's news. Shane, there's a healthcare trend in China that we hope at least will soon spread here. People are getting their medical exams and various treatments where? - Airports. - No. (laughing) - Shopping malls? - No, I'll give you a hint. You do shots, and then you get some shots. - This is genius. (laughing) - This is a bar. - Oh my gosh. - Yeah, bars. - At a bar, just go down to your local watering hole for a cocktail and a checkup. But not cheers because going where everybody knows your name is a hippo violation. (laughing) It's just like a regular bar. You got cold beer on tap, maybe you got a dartboard, you got an MRI machine. (laughing) Sure, it's not the best, maybe. Not the best medical care available. But on the other hand, you are absolutely ready to go when it's time for the urine sample. (laughing) But I don't mean to tell tells out to school, but I know people in America who are taking prescription pills at bars. (laughing) - Like finally those punching bag machines, you see in bars? - Yeah, I got some bad news for you. Good news, we have something for you to hit already. - Exactly, I mean it's convenient I guess. I mean once I got so drunk at a bar I passed out, but I woke up, the bartender told me I had no polyps and didn't have to come back to fun. (laughing) I mean also the one problem is like every doctor knows you're lying when you say, oh just one or two drinks per week. These doctors like, come on, you had two beers while I was taking your blood pressure. (laughing) Yeah, that's how I keep it down, dog. (upbeat music) Coming up our panel, let's give you some advice. It's our bluff to listen to your game, but one chip will wait, wait, wait to play. I will be back in a minute with more, wait, wait, don't tell me. From NPO. (upbeat music) From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is, wait, wait, don't tell me. The NPR news quiz, I'm Alzo Slade. We're playing this week with Josh Gondelman, Shane Torres and Shantira Jackson. And here again, it's your host at the Student Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. - Thank you Alzo, thank you so much. Right now it is time for the wait, wait, don't tell me. - Bluff the listener game, call one chip, wait, wait, wait to play a game in the air. How you are on, wait, wait, don't tell me. - Hi, this is Vanessa Sanchez, calling from the best city in the world, Chicago. - Yes, agreed. (audience cheering and applauding) What do you do here in this fair and fine city? - Well, I'm a mom of an 18 year old, also a dog and cat mom. I work at the amazing National Museum of Mexican Art. And on Sundays, I'm out under Chicago River, practicing with a dragon boat team. - What is a dragon boat? That's one of those Chinese boats? - Yeah, yeah, there's 20 people on the boat and you are paddling as fast as you can to beat another boat if you're in competition. But it's just really fun and it's a great time to just enjoy the Chicago River, which not many of us get to do. - That's true, because it killed so many of us, but it's better now, it's better now. Vanessa, welcome to the show. You're gonna play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Alzo, what is Vanessa's topic? - Words of wisdom. - Words of wisdom can be hard to come by. I mean, you can only eat so many fortune cookies. This week, we read about somebody who receives some game-changing advice at the perfect time. Our panelists are gonna tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You win the weight-weighter of your choice and your voice smell. You ready to play? - I think so. - All right, let's hear first from Josh Gondelman. - The year was 1980. Andrew Lloyd Webber was coming off a smash hit with his musical Evita. The world was his oyster. He could have it all. Drugs, parties, actual oysters. (audience laughing) But, according to a forthcoming memoir, Webber had two problems. First, a mysterious pain in his knee. And second, he knew his next show needed to be populated by non-human characters, but he couldn't figure out which animals to spotlight. (audience laughing) At his doctor's office, Webber found himself lost in thought and I do incredible impressions. - What creatures on God's green earth can prowl the stage, embodying the themes of class, glamour, religion sort of, and for some reason, railways. (audience laughing) His reverie was interrupted by a recommendation from his physician. I think we'd better do a CAT scan, set his osteologist, Dr. Grisabella. That's it, Webber exclaimed. CAT scan, CAT scan, do it all. (audience laughing) And the rest was history. Cats went on to be a massive success despite no one being able to follow the plot even a little. (audience laughing) - Andrew Lloyd Webber figures out his next mega hit when he gets a CAT scan. Your next story of some good guidance comes from Shantira Jackson. - Fresh off of winning his first Oscar, actor Michael B. Jordan was recently invited to play golf with friend and colleague Samuel L. Jackson. Throughout all 18 holes, Michael B. Jordan watched Samuel L. do the two things he enjoys most in his free time. Hitting golf balls and saying the F word. (audience laughing) In an interview with Time magazine, Jordan explained how before teeing off instead of shouting four, Samuel L likes to yell things like, you gotta take a mother bleeping shot. Like it's a mother bleeping hole in one. By whole tin, Michael B. Jordan realized that though laden with expletives, everything Sam was saying was brilliant life advice. You should go where you're bleeping supposed to. And sometimes thinking to mother bleeping much gets you in your mother bleeping head and messes up your mother bleeping gain. (audience laughing) Michael B. Jordan has stated that he left that golf match not only knowing how to be a better golfer, but also how to be a better artist and a better friend. - Michael B. Jordan gets life advice just from listening to Samuel Jackson play golf and your last advice column comes from Shane Torres. - We've all sent a text message to the wrong person before. Just last week, I meant to text my girlfriend something flirty and romantic, but instead it went to my best friend, and now he thinks I want to shower with him. (audience laughing) But this week we heard about how an accidental text was the key to movie magic. In the middle of filming disclosure day, a movie we all know exists whether we like it or not. Actor Josh O'Connor says he got some of the best acting advice ever in a text from Mr. Steven Spielberg. O'Connor didn't know how to play a certain scene until he got a text from Spielberg saying, "The door's on the latch, just push." According to O'Connor, it quote, "Unlocked the whole scene for me, it's genius." But it wasn't actually genius, it was a text Spielberg meant for his wife who apparently doesn't know how to open a door. (audience laughing) The advice to help O'Connor nonetheless, and that story is a testament that directing might not actually be that hard. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) O'Connor. So here are your choices, Vanessa. From Josh Gondelman. From Josh Gondelman, how Andrew Lloyd Weber, excuse me, lured Andrew Lloyd Weber, got the idea for cats from a cat scan. From Shantira Jackson, how Michael B. Jordan got valuable life advice just by playing golf with Samuel L. Jackson. And from Shantora's, how the actor and the lead in Steven Spielberg's new movie got brilliant advice from Spielberg in a text that wasn't even meant for him. Which of these was the real story of unexpected but life-changing advice in the news? - This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. (audience laughing) - Wow, just because I am a cat mom, I'm gonna go with A and Andrew Lloyd Weber. - You're gonna go with Josh's story of how Andrew Lloyd Weber knew that his next big musical would be about some animal. Didn't know which one. - No, then I would go. (audience laughing) - I'll go with B then. - You're gonna go with B, the second story here. That's, I'm sorry, that is Shantira's story of how Michael B. Jordan went golfing. Well, to bring you the real story, here's actually the person who got that fabulous advice. I received this text from Steven saying, "The door is on the latch, just push." And it unlocked the whole scene for me. - That was Joshua Conner speaking on fresh air about the wise text he accidentally got from Steven Spielberg that led to his acting breakthrough. I'm so sorry Vanessa, but as you heard, Shane had the real answer. You did earn a point though for Shantira for her uplifting story about Samuel L. Jackson swearing. Thank you so much for playing. - Thank you. - Thank you. (audience applauding) - Bye bye. (upbeat music) - And now the game we call Not My Job. Robert Smigel has been one of the funniest people in comedy for decades, but you probably wouldn't recognize him because he's usually just off camera from his alter ego, Triumph, the insult comic dog. He's also written for Saturday Night Live, late night with Conan Bryan, many movies, TV shows, and he's a new podcast. He helps non-funny people be funny. Robert Smigel, welcome to "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me." - Thank you so much. - Thank you so much. Great to be here. - It's so great to have you. - Well, I'm a big fan of the show, I really am. - Well, thank you, and I'm a huge fan of yours. In fact, I was amazed to discover just this week that you're not really a brilliantly successful sketch and comedy writer, producer, performer. you are a failed dental student. - Oh, is that-- - Yeah, big time failure. - Yes. - And another thing I found out was that your father was-- - Yes. - And I don't know if I've ever said this phrase before, a legendary dentist. [laughter] - Start was, he dwarfs my achievements in comedy. - Yeah. - You have to say. - 'Cause he's like the Steve Martin of Dentistry. - Yeah. [laughter] - He's like, he sort of developed the tooth bonding technique. And he went from there and revolutionized dentistry. And I'm very proud to be his-- - Oh, sure. But you-- [applause] - It sounds like your dad made dentistry sexy. - He did. He made it. He made it. And I'm making comedy gross. [laughter] - And you actually-- - You actually tried to follow in his giant footsteps. - I did. I did. I mean, I had no idea that I could succeed in comedy or television. It just seemed ridiculous at the time. But it was all I was ever good at. - When did you first know you were funny? Or could it at least be funny? - Oh my god. I mean, when I was like four or five, I could draw really well. So I could draw a Fred Flintstone and Snoopy. And then probably a couple of years later, I started drawing them having sex. [laughter] - Wait a minute. - You know, I'm seven years old. I'm trying to make my friends laugh. Give me a break. [laughter] - They didn't have smartphones. - No, yeah. Exactly, exactly. [applause] For those who don't know, you-- I want to turn to Triumph. You're all-- - Yes. - You go-- again, I just found this week that apparently you and your wife discovered Triumph or the first version of Triumph at some sort of knick-knack shop or antique store. - My wife and I, we were newlyweds. Or actually, we were furniture shopping. And there was this quaint little store called Mables in Manhattan. And they had an even quaintor rack of puppets, rubber puppets that were just animal heads. You know, there were dogs and cats. And there was a sheep and there was, you know, an owl. So I just grabbed the dog head. And I was so amused by how realistic it looked that I put it on my hand and immediately sniffed my wife's [bleep] with it. - Yeah, well, as you would, as he would-- - In the middle of the store. - Yeah. - And, of course, she laughed. And that's why we're still married all these years. [laughter] - So, you've been doing Triumph for so long. Does he have, like, his own personality? They're like, are there things that, like, Triumph will say, but you could never bring yourself to say? - Well, I mean, he would probably insult your show even though I'm a big fan. - Right. For example. - Oh, my God. - Whoa. - Whoa. - Whoa. - I love this. He's so exciting. - I was both-- - Wait, don't tell me. Hey, can your audience know that? Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's not only a beloved NPR quiz show, but it's also the game NPR employees play when they're guessing if they're still employed. [laughter] Oh, yes! Sorry, I only got one joke. It's NPR. You guys don't pay well. [laughter] - I was both terrified and hoping that would happen. So nice to see you. Triumph. Do people actually ask, like, "Oh, Robert Smigler, can Triumph, if you will, dump on me?" - I mean, I look in the mirror every morning and I'm bored. I wish Triumph was there. - That sure. - What would Triumph say if he was roasting you? - He'd probably borrow a line from Don Rickles and say, "It's over, Rabbi. Give it up for it." [laughter] - I want to ask you about the new podcast, which is, like, an amazing idea, "Humor Me." So, why don't you describe it? - Uh, so my wife actually came up with this show. It's called "Humor Me" with Robert Smigler and Friends. And every week, we have people who have called in, left a message, and they need help with some sort of task they have. We had one guy who had to make a eulogy for a father-in-law that he hated and needed advice on how to make he wanted to insult him and be tasteful. And we had one woman who wanted to break up with her mom group in a way that would make them laugh and not feel offended, but still get her out of the mom group. - I'm like, you know, I'm obsessed with the idea of triumph the insult eulogy dog. [laughter] - Has anything ever happened in the episode that you've done so far? We've said to somebody, "This would be great. This is going to kill the eulogy, whatever it may be." And it's an utter disaster? - That never happens. [laughter] - Well, that's right. - Well, Robert Smigler, it is a joy to talk to you. But we have asked you to play a game that this time we're calling. - insult dog, meat service dog. - So you're alter ego triumph insults people for a living. So we thought we'd ask you about dogs and other animals that help people, service animals. Answer two or three questions about these helpful creatures invests and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might like from our show, including don't care if they like on their voicemail. Also, who is Robert Smigler playing for? Mary Beck of Bryan, Texas. - All right, here's your first question, Robert. One of the most famous emotional support animals was Wally, the emotional support alligator. [laughter] True story made news when citizens bank Park and Philly would not let his owner come in with him. What ultimately happened to Wally, the emotional support alligator? A, he signed an endorsement deal and is now the met life insurer, a gator. [laughter] Be after a peaceful death of natural causes, he's now a set of emotional support luggage. [laughter] Or else you can't take on a play. No, yeah, that's true. Or see, somebody reported a loose alligator to the authorities, he was duly picked up and released in a swamp in Georgia and hasn't been seen again. My goodness, this is a hard one, it is. [laughter] The emotional support luggage sounds so believable to us. [laughter] But I'm going to go with C. You're right. Robert, yes. [applause] Somebody kidnapped him from his enclosure, left him someplace else, somebody saw him there called the Department of Natural Resources. They picked him up and they brought him back home to a swamp. And as far as we know, he is still there living his best life. All right, here's your next question. Sometimes real-service animals can cause problems as when which of these happened just a week ago, a seeing eye-dog in Arizona got a whiff of a female dog in heat and dragged its owner into a canal, be a service dog and an American Airlines flight had quote an accident on the plane causing human passengers to become ill and forcing an emergency landing or see a service dog with an undiagnosed condition gave mange to the entire South Carolina State Senate. [laughter] Wow. Yeah. Uh, I'm just going to go with B. It just seems the most believable. It is, in fact, B. Yeah. [applause] I wanted to believe A. I know, but it was, it was B. They had to make an emergency landing and had emergency crews rush the plane and normally emergency guys rushed back out going, [laughter] All right, last question, go for perfect if you can. A service dog who was being trained to detect sudden changes in blood sugar was taken to the vet for a checkup and this dog alerted to the veterinarian herself. What happened next? A, the vet was diagnosed with type A diabetes just in time to save her life. B, it was discovered the dog couldn't sense blood sugar at all. It just happened to like white coats or see the vet got busted for bringing donuts to work but not sharing them with her coworkers. [laughter] Well, it's gotta be A. No, I'm sorry the answer was actually C, the dog detected the secret donut. Oh, that's amazing. Isn't that something? God bless these dogs. [applause] I also, how did Robert Smigle do in our quiz? Not that bad, two out of three. That's pretty good. That's all you need, right? It's all you need, one. It's all you need. That's right. Robert Smigle was a writer, comedian, the creator of Triumph, the insult comic dog, his new podcast, "Humour Me," which is both hilarious and sometimes kind of moving is out now. Robert Smigle, what a joy to talk to you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being in the show. Take care. [music] In just a minute, Aozzo tells you why you shouldn't mess with squirrels in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call one triple eight, wait, wait to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more. From NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is, wait, wait, don't tell me. The NPR news quiz. I'm Aozzo Slade. We're playing this week with Shantira Jackson, Josh Gundamon and Shane Torres. And here is your host at the Student Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois. -Thank you, Alzo. Thank you so much, everybody. There's just a minute. It finally dawns on Alzo that he has signed himself up to read "Limrich's Forever." It's our "Limrich Challenge." If you'd like to play "Give Us a Call" at 1-888-888-9248-924, right now, a panel of some of our questions for you from the week's news. Shane, according to the Guardian, it may be outdated and unnecessary to do what every day. -Bath? [ Laughter ] -Bath? [ Laughter ] -We said, hopefully. [ Laughter ] -No, not bath. -Oh. -Can I get a hint, please? -Sure. It's like goodbye, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Hello, constant random grazing. [ Laughter ] He -- Snack? -What? -I'm sorry. -The traditional advice is -- -Traditional standard. -Yeah. -It may not be appropriate anymore. The nutritional standard of -- -Eat three square meals a day. -Exactly right. [ Cheers and applause ] Experts are saying we no longer need three meals a day. That's because science says we need six meals a day, right? [ Laughter ] Right? According to some experts, it's better to, quote, "embrace culinary spontaneity." Unquote. Follow your body's instincts. And follow whatever regimen works best for your health. That's why, since I heard this news, I've given up three square meals a day. I just eat one six-foot-long sub once a week. And then I lay around motionless for four days like a snake. [ Laughter ] Culinary spontaneity is like a very beautiful phrase for shoveling something into your mouth over the sink. -Exactly right. -Well, I'm being color spontaneous, honey. -This is also just girl dinner. -Girl dinner? -Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -All right. Explain to me, Center. -Girl dinner is when you piece together whatever you want for dinner. So, like, for me, a girl dinner would be fries. That I get from, like, a restaurant 24 Oreos. [ Laughter ] And then, like, a shot of vodka. [ Laughter ] That's girl dinner. [ Laughter ] -You just went to a 7-11. [ Laughter ] -Sometimes there's a break. [ Laughter ] -Ooh. -Ooh. -The whole wheel, though, no slice. -The whole wheel? -The whole wheel. -The whole wheel. -You just pick it up? -Yeah, that's girl dinner. [ Laughter ] -Shantira, legendary movie star, John Travolta, has announced that, because, quote, "Men can have fun, too." He has now started to do what in public? -Fraulic. [ Laughter ] -Fraulic. He's going to "Fraulic." -Yeah. -He's going to gamble. -Yeah, he's going to skip around. -Yes, probably very exciting to see. No, that's not it. -Um, look, can I have a little hint? -Yes, in this, he is just like countless French artists and also Cheguovara. -Okay. He's wearing a beret. -Exactly. -He's wearing beret. [ Laughter ] -A picture of John Travolta on the red carpet, a con went viral because of his beard and his beret, both dyed dark black. [ Laughter ] He says that he has now directed his first movie. He had looked up images of classic Hollywood directors and many of them were wearing berets. And also men should be able to have fun with their fashion, which is a lot of things to say instead of the simple two words, "I'm bald." [ Laughter ] -Yeah, that's the mistake. You got to pick a signature hat before the hair is gone. -Exactly. -And nobody knows what's going on under there. -Exactly, you're right. -Waring a beret is the same thing as frolic. -That is, yes. [ Laughter ] -If you're standing, if you're standing there, motionless, but you have a beret on, you're frolic. -You're frolic and you have to have to move. -But if you don't have fun, that guy's having a stone face. [ Laughter ] -You're either frolic, or you're like a super black panther revolutionary. -Yeah, that's true. -Because they weren't doing no frolic and begging. -That's true. And who knows which one, John Travolta? [ Laughter ] -Either Scientology Revolutionary. [ Laughter ] -I need to be fair, it's his life. He can do what he wants. I mean, once he was a matinee idol. Now, he wants to look like a substitute theater teacher who owns just the meanest little doll. It's his life. [ Laughter ] [ Music ] -Coming up, it's Lightning Film The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message. At 1-888-8-8-8-9-2-489-2-4. You can catch us most weeks right here. It's a Studio Baker Theater in downtown Chicago. Come see us on the road. We'll be in Milwaukee, on July 9th. And in Sonoma County, California, on July 30th. Protects the information to all of our live events. Go to nprpresents.org. Hi, Ron. -My Peter, this is Vanessa calling from Charlestown. Massachusetts. -Charlestown, I know it well. -I am a public school kindergarten teacher. -You are the best. [ Cheers and applause ] -No! -Let me ask you some advice. I believe in her in the fall. I'm about to send my little son, Elliott, to kindergarten for the first time. Is there anything you would like me to either let him know or prepare him in some way so as to make the kindergarten teacher's life easier? -You know what? Just have a good time and be his little self. That's all that matters. -I will relay that message, Vanessa. Thank you. -I just felt like she was talking to me this time. [ Laughter ] -Well, Vanessa, welcome to our show. Alzo Slade is going to read you three news-related lemurics with the last word of phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word of phrase correctly in two of the lemurics, you will be a winner. Ready to play? -Here I am. -Here's your first lemuric. -Strong drinks. I am not in the throw-love. But a dirty martini, we all love. So I will not pass on a tall high-ball glass, filled with soda and brine and in. -I need a clue. -Do you know what a-- -My briming should be better for kindergarten. -You think? -Dirty martini is a strong clue. You know what a dirty martini is? -Yeah, all of it? -Yes, it's all of it. [ Cheers and applause ] -Every summer has the song of the summer. Every summer has the drink of the summer and according to the internet, which is never wrong. This year's drink is a glass of ice, soda water, and the brine left over from the olives. That's what it is. You're all drinking it, whether you like it or not. It's the drink of the summer. Did you hear me say that? -That people, you know, they called the "Dirty Shirley" a couple of summers ago, right? It was like a Shirley Temple with-- -All of brine and soda. That's the real-- that's the nasty shit. That's the filthy Shirley. -You know, you can also clean your tires with it. [ Laughter ] All of brine and soda. All right, very good. Here is your next lemon record. -Brother Squirrel, I think that you scameth. Dying beasts in your cheeks will not crameth. If you are so famished, just make a nut sandwich. No way you could eat woolly. -Mameth? -Woolly mammeth, yes. [ Cheers and applause ] Scientists were able to extract DNA from ancient squirrel feces. Some things these scientists did voluntarily. [ Laughter ] And discovered that back in the ice age, squirrels ate mammoth meat and saber-tooth tiger meat. It's true. Wow, how the mighty have fallen. You used to eat mammoth. I just saw you eat a bagel out of a dumpster. Have some dignity. There's another finding, too. This is a little terrifying. It finds out that even after tens of thousands of years, the ancient squirrel feces still stink. According to one research, I did not think 700,000-year-old poop would smell anymore, but it was intense. Can you imagine how difficult things were back then? Like, somebody lied a match. We can't. We've never invented fire. I don't understand the premise that some things would smell better after 700,000 years. -Well, I didn't have to smell work. -Well, I didn't smell like it. Have you smelled a grandmother? [ Laughter ] -My grandma smells good. [ Laughter ] -Sure. [ Laughter ] -Hot all of 'em, you know. -Here is your last lemur. -More than 5,000 years, he's been dead. Mountain ice was his chili-death bed. Dormant biomes we found for a crusty baked round. We have harvested yeast to make. -Brother? -Yes, bread. Potsy, the iceman, is a 5,000-year-old caveman who is so well-preserved. He still has living microbes in his stomach, and this week, researchers at Italy's Institute for Mummy Studies, which, shockingly, only sounds like we made it up. Announce they had taken those microbes and made sourdough bread out of them. [ Laughter ] The sign to say the dough is, quote, "very, very good," but I don't care how good bread is. If somebody you're sharing it with says, "And while we're at it, who's milk is the butter fron?" [ Laughter ] -We're talking about American snacks falling behind. This is what we're talking about. -This is what we're talking about. [ Laughter ] -Also, how would Vanessa do in our quiz? -Great A for our teacher, three out of three. -Congratulations! Hold on. -Thank you. -Did you let your summer break? -Yeah. -Thank you, Peter. [ Cheers and applause ] they can, each correct answer now with two points. Alzo, can you give us the scores? - Yes, I can. Centera and Josh are tied at two with Sain in the lead for three. - Oh, okay. (audience applauding) Shane, you're in the lead. Centera and Josh are tied for second, so we'll just arbitrarily choose Josh to go first. Okay, here we go, Josh. The clock will start when they begin your first question and fill in the blank. On Thursday, Trump threatened to seize Carga Island from blank. - Here I am. - Right. Friday, private space company Blank held their much anticipated IPO. - Space Act? - Right. This week, defense officials say a false alarm led to the blank being locked down. - The Pentagon? - Right, on Thursday, the 2026, Blank kicked off with a game in Mexico City. - World Cup. - Right. This week, the UK government issued a warning to super market shoppers that their migraines may be triggered by what? - Cheese? - Yes, very good. On Wednesday, streaming music, giant blank, City had removed tens of thousands of phony podcasts. - From their app. - Spotify? - Right. - On Tuesday, 10th grade blank, played her first match in almost four years. - Serena Williams? - Right again, just in time for America's 250th birthday celebrations, a giant American flag and Connecticut, blanked, caught fire. No, blew into some utility lines and cut power to 40,000 people. (audience laughing) A 3,000 square foot American flag. - Yes, got blown into some utility lines and cut off power to over 40,000 people in Connecticut who were assured that this was not, in fact, a symbol of anything. (audience laughing) It took almost a full day to get the flag untangled, but that's only because emergency workers had to keep saluting the whole time. (audience laughing) Also, how did Josh do in our quiz? - It was impressive. He got seven right for 14 more points, total of 16. - All right. (audience applauding) - I'm not gonna do that. (laughing) - Okay, Shantira, you are up next film, The Blank, on Thursday, John Healy, the Defense Minister of Blank, resigned. - Education. - No, the Defense Minister of. - Education. - This is America. - This is America. - The United Kingdom. This week a new government study recommended limiting a blank consumption to one drink a day. - Alcohol? - Right, according to new filings, the Trump administration will spend over $60 million to host a blank fight at the White House. - Oh, UFC. - Right, this week a man in Canada was charged after it was revealed he had been blanking for 17 years without a license. - Driving? - No, piloting airplane. (laughing) So on the Monday, Apple introduced a new AI-powered version of their digital assistant blank. - Chat GPT. - No, it's digital assistant is Siri, citing concerns that might make people seriously ill. A grocery store in New Zealand pulled a chicken dish called Blank off their shelves. - Mr. Chicken. - No. (laughing) It was called Death by Chicken. (laughing) The grocery store sent out an advisory to customers warning them that they were recalling their deli's pre-made death by chicken sandwich for being undercooked and therefore dangerous. (laughing) Listen, say what you want about the recall, but the people who bought death by chicken cannot say they were not worn. (laughing) - The problem is it's not strong enough. - Exactly. - It's not called mild illness by chicken. - That's great. - Also, how did Chantira do? - Well, Chantira forecasted she wouldn't do as well as Justin. She undersold herself. (laughing) - She got too right for four more points, total of six. (laughing) - Listen, you can't be upset. I told you what was going to happen. - You did, you did. - You did, you did. - You're not lead us on, you were correct. Also, how many does Shane then need to win? - Seven, Shane. - Oh my goodness, Shane. Here we go. - Hey. - This is for the game, fill in the blank. On Tuesday, Bill Gates testified before Congress about his relationship with Blank. - Jeffrey Epstein. - Right, for the first time in years, the US Blank rate rose above 4%. - Inflation. - Right, this week, cryptocurrency Blank fell to $60,000 each. - Bitcoin? - Yes. On Wednesday, severe blanks caused over 1,000 flight delays across the Midwest. - Severe thunderstorms? - Yes. This week, a couple in Tennessee, were brought to the hospital after their food truck, which was named "Blank," exploded. - Death by chicken. - No. - Their food truck was called TNT Tacos. On Tuesday, NASA unveiled the crew who would be on the next mission to the blank. - Moon? - Yes. This week, scientists at Texas A&M University came up with a clean and efficient way to clean up oil spills at sea, simply by using blank. - Caveman gut bio. - By using fire tornadoes. So if an oil spills at sea, you can either let it spread to the coastline, that's bad, or you can set it on fire, which is just as bad because of all the pollution, but a researcher has shown that if you can set it on fire and then spin the flames with massive winds into a giant fire tornado, it solves the problem efficiently. It takes less time with less pollution. Sure, it also implodes the whole world, but it looks sick as hell. - Also, did Shane do well enough to win? - Oh, not quite. - We got five. - Right, for 10 more points, total of 13, which means Josh Gondelman wins. - Yay, Josh Gondelman. (audience applauding) - Wow. - In just a minute, our panelists will predict what will get the birth rate back up now that we know it was smartphones that destroyed it. But first, let me tell you all. It's a production of NPR and WBZ Chicago and Association with the Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Gaudica writes, "Our limb wrecks are a public address, "and our service, Paul Friedman, "our tour manager, Shayna Donald, "thanks to the staff, and crew at the Studevecker Theater. "B.J. Leaderman composed our theme, "our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, "Miles, Roboss, and Lily, and King. "Special thanks to Blythe Robertson. "Peter Gwyn is seven foot four. "Amateur joy is our visual host, "technical direction is from Lorna White, "or CFO is Colin Miller, "reproduction manager is Robert Newhouse, "our senior producer is Ian Chilog, "and the executive producer, "Wait, wait, don't tell me his Michael Danforth. "Now, panel, how will we get the birth rate back up? "Shanty or Jackson? "If the next win, "we should probably see some babies in about nine months." (audience laughs) Shane Torres, Bill Curtis, sexy fireman, Cal. (laughs) It would work for me. Josh Gondelman, three words, oyster flavored spin drafts. (audience laughs) And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on, wait, wait, don't tell me. Thank you, Alzo Slade. Thanks also to Josh Gondelman, Shanty or Jackson, and Shane Torres. Thanks to our fabulous audience here, it's the student of a computer in beautiful downtown Chicago, Illinois. Thanks to all of you for listening, wherever you might be. A better signal, we'll see you right here. Next week. (upbeat music) This is NPR.