Inside Olivia’s Battle: Binge Eating Part 1

Trigger warning for this episode, we do discuss disordered eating and topics that could be sensitive to some. Everything that is shared is based on personal experience. Neither of us have qualifications in this field. This is "Liven Let Be" with "Liven Be". Hello to our beautiful listeners and welcome back to another episode of "Liven Let Be" based on the title of today's episode, those of you who are probably tuning in. Could use a virtual cuddle, so just want to give you guys that. If you guys have followed Olivia on social media for a while, you would know that she has openly struggled with this topic and I guess having this platform with the podcast gives you that opportunity to go deeper than just on Instagram, which I think is so special, like for people to really hear. And now that you have, I guess, processed and been able to talk about it, I don't know, to be vulnerable like that is so special and it is a weight lifted for you, but also knowing that there are people who are really going to benefit from hearing what you've been through and already our community have been so supportive with things that we've already shared, so you know that they're going to support you through it all, like I don't think there's one ounce of doubt that no one would be supportive. But yeah, I guess even being your friend through it too, it's hard to know how you can best show up for a friend that is going through something that might be hard. Yeah, we should definitely get into the times where we would meet and I would share bits of my struggle with you. And just, yeah, your experience through receiving that sort of information from me and what went through your brain on how to help and all of that. There's a lot that I want to say about this topic. There's just so many parts to it. I had so many epiphany moments throughout the process of trying to overcome it and grasp sort of a handle on my experience. I will try and be pretty straightforward and logistical and I don't know, I'm just going to try and I'm just going to unload. My brain is struggling to feel that empathy for the version of me that was so heavily consumed by this struggle that, yeah, I just, I just, there's just so many emotions. When you're in it, the way that I was, it's like, just so consuming. Oh, consuming, yeah. You just feel like you can't control anything. You don't have any control and you don't know what thoughts to trust. And we're just going to, I'm just going to do my best to share what I can and it might be a two-part series, but yeah, I just need to, I think, tell myself that it's okay not to get it perfect and share it all in today's episode and it's something we can revisit. Yes, there's no rush to fit all your feelings and thoughts into one, two hours. But I guess the first question would be, and I'm sure people who might not be as aware with what binge eating is exactly, what do you think or what is the difference between overeating and binge eating? overeating, which is your typical, you know, you have dinner and you have dessert and then you think, oh, I could really go for seconds of a dessert. That's sort of overeating. Then you go and you mindfully make the choice to, yeah, I'll have a little bit more dessert. Then you go to bed. binge eating is a totally out of control mindless experience where you are just indulging food for hours and hours and hours for a long period of time and I might actually find the exact definition of it. So we ain't getting it twisted, but it's, yeah, it's definitely, it was definitely interesting for me to learn that. And the first time that I did was a few years ago just loosely using the word binge because you hear it all the time people go, oh my god, let's binge these movies. Let's binge alcohol like, okay, you don't say let's binge alcohol, but you go, I'll binge drinking. Yep. Yep. So you kind of loosely use these words and I would get all these people in my DMs like, have some sensitivity to the word, don't throw this around. So casually like people have this serious struggle. Right. And at the time, I hadn't hit the point, I hadn't hit the, the most isolating point that I got to with this disorder. But I had experienced it so I encourage me to take the time to understand what the difference was. Yeah. So here is the definition that is continuous through Google and all that. Mm hmm. Hang on, I'm just a bit jittery. My jaw is doing something weird. Um, binge eating is an eating disorder characterized by consuming large amounts of food in a short period often accompanied by a sense of loss of control. People with binge eating disorder, B-E-D, in brackets, may eat even when they are not hungry and often eat rapidly, continuing to eat even when they feel uncomfortably full. Some common signs of binge eating include eating in secret or feeling ashamed about eating habits, feeling distressed, guilty or embarrassed after overeating, experiencing frequent episodes of overeating without behaviors like purging if there's those behaviors and it moves into bulimia. Yeah. That was always something I was wondering if you do all that and then go to the bathroom, but it's not like that. No. So there's different categories of the eating disorders and I'm just going to be fully transparent. There was one or two episodes over the last maybe six years where I got to the point of being so uncomfortable that I then thought maybe I do have to go and purge. Yeah. I wasn't successful, but that sort of extent isn't really part of my story to do with it. But yeah, we'll be honest, there was at least two times that I was like, oh, I like literally cannot feel comfortable like and it was yeah. A lot of it has to do with the whole entire thing is to do with how your brain's working and yeah, we'll get to it. Yeah. But yeah, thanks for sharing the definition because we can know exactly what it is because a lot of people don't know what it is. Yeah, even people close to me when I've started to drip feed parts of my experience with people. It's met with sort of by what even is it? Like, why don't you just stop eating? Like it's not that hard. And then some people put it down to, well, you're just not disciplined enough. You don't have enough self control. And it's actually a mental sort of, I'm not sure if I can say disorder, but it's just a mental state that requires support and therapy and education. It's not as simple as just going, oh, well, you're just not disciplined. Yeah, it's not like that. Just don't stick it in your mouth. Like, all right, brother, I tried that. Try that. And I got 10 down though. And if we, yeah, laugh through it again, I think that's a good thing because laughing is healthy to do when you do go through something. So we're not trying to be insensitive or anything like that. It's just how we are. And I, and hopefully it gives you guys a bit of an insight to the place that you will once get, you will get to where this struggle, if you're in the thick of it right now, it, you will overcome it. It won't be forever. It might feel like that. I will say this straight up, there was no one solution. It was the accumulation of information that I listened to read wrote down, documented. It's the accumulation of all of this stuff that you absorb over a certain amount of time that alleviates the things that are keeping you in this cycle. So, yeah, I just, I just don't be disheartened by that. Like, by the end of this episode, you're not going to have this perfect one solution. That's just like, oh my god, yes, all I had to do is this one thing. But it is going to be so worth your time to listen to this. Other podcasts about it, read books about it, does feel so weird because you, when you're doing all of this, you're like, oh my god, my every single waking moment is revolving around this, this thing in my life. It's already consuming my physical routine. And now, I'm intentionally absorbing all this information. You're just like, "I can't catch your break." But you just kind of have to go all in with learning as much as you can to then be able to get through it. What do they say? Sometimes it gets harder before it gets easier and feels like a step back, but sometimes that propels you forward. And what I would like to know too, and I guess what makes you feel, because it has been a long conversation even between us behind those doors of when you felt ready. And it takes time, and I think that's so fair. And you can't rush someone to get to that point to talk about it. But what made you now, I guess, open up more and what do you think the difference is in mindset? Well, obviously when you go through something traumatic, you think what is good, what good can I take from this? And I think when I was really struggling, I felt like no one else around me could relate or understand. So when I was trying to share or get some support from friends and family, I just had also had this block of like, you don't actually get it though. And I accepted that, but it also made me want to have information more accessible to people who are going through that so that it's less isolating because it is so isolating. Like you literally feel like you're in prison. Well, I can't really say that. 'Cause I've never been to prison, but. What you could imagine it would feel like. Yeah, like the. What is the. - I can't imagine. - What's those rooms? - Those rooms. - I can find. - Oh, confinement. - No. - Solitary? (laughing) Solitary confinement. - Yeah, but like voluntarily, but it's not voluntary. - Yeah, anyway. - 'Cause you have no control over that. - Yeah, so I think the biggest motivation to want to talk about it is so that other people experiencing it don't feel so alone. And there's nothing wrong with you if you are experiencing this sort of cycle and pattern. It's merely just something that we haven't been faced with before and don't have the tools and the skills to pull ourselves out of it in an efficient way. And yeah, it's just something we have to navigate. And like I said before, it is temporary. It's just a matter of time and education. But yeah, I just, the reason we have this platform is to connect with people, build a community, have a place where people can feel like they're not alone. And also just remove the glamour from social media and get real. - Also, I'd be like, it feels so good to say things out loud. I know that I'm gonna feel so much lighter after this. - Just the weight lifted vulnerable. Let's get vulnerable. But doing a lot of that lately. - Yeah. - You know what's hard is you do feel like you're always constantly talking about feelings and all this bloody getting deep. But like you said, you have to get so deep and vulnerable and deal with the hard stuff before you can feel lighter and realize all that. - No, it's so true. - And it's draining. So I can imagine you being in the thick of this, dealing with it internally, then having to talk about it, then having to bloody research it and then write it. And then all this stuff, it's just so overwhelming. And you know you're doing it to hopefully get out on the other side, but in that moment, you don't know if that's the right thing to do. So you're just sort of going around in circles. - Yeah, it's like groundhog day, 'cause every day I'd wake up with the same emotions. Then I would do the same behavior. I was also single at the time, so I was living alone. And I think that's the worst thing. Like I didn't have at least that safe person that could help me regulate my emotions by them just being there. Yeah, there's just so much shame and guilt that you carry. Like when you're dealing with binge eating and for me to physically go and seek that support or that time with friends, I had to face my reflection in the mirror after having binge the night before where I'm inflamed. And my skin's breaking out and I'm tired 'cause I'm not sleeping properly. Then I have to get dressed and my body feels so uncomfortable 'cause I'm so bloated and full. - Yeah. - That I'm like, it's too hard for me to go and go to my friend's house. Or it's too hard for me to sit at a cafe because there's so much shame and guilt. And then for me to ask my friend to come over, I'm like, then you, yes. - Then I still have to somewhat make myself feel good. And then it's like also asking for help is so hard. And then usually when you're doing those catch-ups with friends, it would always include having a drink or having some of meal, like when are you not catching doing that when you see your friend? So then you're thinking, "Fuck, I've just done this." - I'm out of control. - I'm so full. - I can't go. - Yeah. - And it's just this cycle that you're more so. - This kind of brings us to the reason why you binge is because food is such an accessible source of dopamine. You don't have to, if you will, now as well, especially with Uber Eats and stuff, you don't have to get ready and go somewhere, physically show up anywhere for you to just have a meal right in front of you. - It's so true. - So whenever you're feeling bad and things are feeling tough, you go, "What's the quickest way to feel good?" And this is why people have other biases like drugs and stuff like that. I would have all these overwhelming feelings and then I'd go, "What's gonna make me feel better right now?" And I didn't have the tools and skills to regulate my emotions or figure out how to calm myself down. So my brain would just go straight to, "Oh, I'll order some food and I'll sit on the couch." Then I don't have to do anything. Nothing's required of me. I'm not obligated to look at myself in the mirror, have someone else look at me and deal with this shame and guilt. And then you would just do it. And then you feel guilty straight away for doing that. As soon as the food's gone, that guilt just takes over and you're like, "We're not off to keep eating." So I don't think about it. - Fuck. - It's this whole cycle. But it's so mindless, it gets so mindless. You're not even really tasting the food. You're not even appreciating the food. You just find that, yeah, it looks good. - Don't eat never. - Yeah. Like I guess if you look at when it triggered more so, one, what do you think that was, that triggered it? But also do you think you've always had that from like when you were younger to older, like what do you think or was it just this? - That's so interesting that you were able to ask that question because throughout the whole thing, I obviously went all the way back with anything that kind of arises in your adult adulthood, you then think what part of my childhood contributes to this? How deep does this habit sort of run? How deep does my relationship with food go? And I'll start with like when it first started happening and why I think it became such a thing the last few years 'cause it wasn't always and there's two origins for it based on my experience. And one is the state of survival. Your body turns to food big after a restrictive period. And if you guys listened to our previous episode, I'd recommend that you do because the mentality around the mentality in mind set things that we talk about is relevant to what we're talking about here as well. Having fallen into this period of my life where I was super lean and going to the gym and in our last episode we talk about how I unintentionally and very effortlessly got there. Then my lifestyle and situations, circumstances sort of changing led me to start reverting back to other habits where I wasn't so consistent and then I started noticing my body change. And then that feeling of like how do I maintain this physique that I want and then you start putting all this pressure on what you're eating and focusing on the calories and all of this stuff and the food noise just gets louder and louder. Yeah. stress and your body goes into survival mode, which means it starts seeking out food because you're literally depriving it and all you have been for so long. So I definitely think that that was the origin of the first time I started binge eating. You just get ravenous and you just I'll eat that and eat that and there's the way that you talk to yourself and your brain too is like I can afford that. Oh, this that doesn't matter. I'll start tomorrow, you know. Oh, it's Thursday night. I'll start next week and then always in like these thoughts. And then all of a sudden you get to a point where you're just so ashamed of what you look like and what what you feel like. And even if you look healthy and great from the outside, if you if what's going on in your brain doesn't align with that, you still you won't think that you look good and great. So imagine having all these behaviors that you're so ashamed of and carrying that into the next day. Like I would look at myself in the mirror and think about what I did for the like the six hours before I went to bed the night before. And I would look at myself and go that's the person that you are. You're the person who sat on the couch and fucking ate everything that you could order for six hours. You can laugh because like that's like what? And then I would just go, well, that person's not worthy of going out and going for a stroll and stuff. The self worth and all of that stuff. So yeah, one of the origins is that restriction. But then when you sat back and go, did this come from my childhood of blah, blah, blah, blah, did you notice any common themes throughout or well, I've always when I was younger, the language around food was don't leave the table until you finish your entire plate. Oh my god. Olivia's our best eaters. She eats everything on her plate. So I've carried this habit through my entire life of identifying a plate of food in my brain without even realizing thinking you have to finish everything. So already that's intuitiveness isn't really, I don't have that because my intuition has been created or has been like unintentionally manipulated to think that I need to eat everything without acknowledging how full I'm feeling and all that. Yeah. So like anything in your childhood, it's not a conscious thing that's happening. But over time, you're like, oh, okay, that would be something in your mind that you're going to carry with you the whole the whole way through. It's good table etiquette to finish food. Yeah. There was definitely that like that came up when I was doing therapy. Sometimes I'm stopping right now. I'm stopping myself. I'm saying things because I've got this idea in my head of how the episode's going to sort of go. But I think I'm just going to say things as they come. One of the first things that my therapist told me was when you eat your meal, leave something on the plate after every meal. Like just start getting in the habit of it. She goes start just leaving half of potato on your plate. Even if it's a piece of lettuce, something there. So your brain sees that plate with something on it. And you can still identify that as you're done. I was like, well, that's so lame. Like that's just rude. I'm like, why would? I'm like, okay. All right. Yeah. That's going to help. Leave us like a little time. Yeah. Like it was so. This is me being like being single living in my own house by myself. Could you try and practice all these things? And I did document a lot of them. I haven't gone back and tried to. That would be interesting to read that. Yeah. She also said like, you know, I'm out for and then put your calorie down and appreciate your food. What are you feeling? Take your breath. And then it was actually really nice for me to be practicing this like leave something on your plate because it opened up this new way for me to connect with Malibu at the time. It's funny because I would sit at the dining table. And this is another thing we can talk about too is like trigger spots and trigger environments. It was definitely a solid intention to have my meals at the table. And I would finish my meal and sit there, look at this last bit. And as I'd walked to the kitchen, I thought, cute, I can give it to Malibu. Yeah. I'm so like, you know, strict with him. I'm like, you don't get food when I'm sitting at the table. You're going to just think that you're always getting food. You're going to sit at my feet like that's not good etiquette for him. So I started getting excited about that. I'm like, this is, this makes it exciting for me to always have something a little thing left over where I can give that to him and we're in this together. And I'm not just by myself, you know, eating food like it's added more value to, you know, the habit of the ritual of eating or dinner times and stuff. I actually feel shaky. Do you? Yeah. I don't think I'm cold or anything. No, you're not cold. My jaw. It's probably the caffeine. Thank you. Maybe we don't have anymore. I do shake it for coffee. Do you want the pillow on you? Thanks. How do the pillow maybe? It's kind of weighted. It's quite heavy. Those weighted therapy blankets that you can buy. There you go. There we go. Where are we at now? Oh, the other reason. I don't really know what it is. I think you can definitely get into a binge eating habit without having that restriction as well because it depends on your mentality. Really, it depends on what's going on in your life. It depends on how you feel about certain things. Any emotion you sort of don't want to face or you don't know how to overcome food is just the most accessible sort of band-aid and solution and it does make you feel good for that period of time, but it is only a short period of time. I mean, a few hours, but it only goes last for so long and what happens afterwards is just not worth it. What would, if you can take us through a typical day? What would that look like when you're in the midst of it? What was a typical day for you? Well, let's talk about timelines first. So you guys have a sort of general idea. Yeah, I feel like I've been binge-free for a year. The year prior to that, I was bingeing for a year. So I was stuck in this cycle for a year, but there was times before that that were smaller amounts of time, like maybe a few months, or maybe not even like I've definitely experienced the cycle before, but not in such a intense long life. Long-winded. Yeah, not for as long and not as intense. There's urges that you get with bingeing and it can be as small as a passing thought. As you see, oh, I just went to such a weird place, but like I would literally see like colors and because my food noise was so loud, I would turn these colors into thoughts about food. Really? Like I would see like a flash of pink and think about cupcakes. Really? Yeah. Wild. So it's so consuming. Like your whole reality is just warped because of how loud this food noise is. So you have these urges and think of urges like waves in motion. They come, they go. At the top of this wave, you have a decision to make and that's act on it or don't act on it. And when you have acted on this urge and followed through with this wave so many times, you've then created a habit and your body's now doing this habitual thing so consciously. So you're losing that power over what your primitive brain wants and that's something else that I learned as well. Through all the podcasts and stuff that I've learned that your brain has a primal state and then another part of your brain is who you want to be and who you are. So your primitive like primal brain to forgive me if I butcher this guys. I'm not professional. I'm just speaking out of my ass literally. You have like there's some facts to it. Well, I loved that whole analogy of the wave. I was like that's a really good way to explain it to like in the simplest form. So these two parts of your brain, one part is your primitive primal brain. That's where you get these thoughts. And then the part of your brain that stops you from pushing someone off a cliff is your actual brain. Once you start to identify these urges in a different part of your brain. think it's like there's this little devil that's trying to sabotage me, and then you identify this other part of your brain as you and what you deserve and how you want to be, you just go, "Well, no, actually, I'm not going to let you do that." It's a lot to like get your head around, but it's definitely something like something I could sort of visualize that has helped me when these urges pop up. Do everyone your first explain that to me? Yes, yeah. In the car? Yeah. The devil. Oh, I've had so many epiphany moments, and I had this routine walk that I would do, and we'll get back to the day and day in the life. Maybe we just get to the day in the life. It's pretty much doing that anyway. Yeah. There was a whole year where I was struggling very intensely, consumed my every single day. I hardly saw anyone. I didn't work, like I couldn't show up and do social media. You didn't have your add almost the whole year off, right? I don't know how I made that happen. And finally enough, this whole year was when the podcast was in the works. Yeah. So, thinking about it, it was the hardest thing for me to do, but it also was almost a lifeline because I had something to work towards. And because of that, B was obviously witness to whatever I felt brave enough to share with her at the time. And when I would have a epiphany, that was like a light for me. I was like, oh, my God, maybe I'm finally getting out of this, like this is going to set me free. And I'll just share all these things with B, and there was one moment where I thought, you know, there's seven sins. One of them's glutney. It's a great movie, by the way. I've never seen it. Really? Yeah. And growing up, my family would go to church. And I thought, what if I'm struggling with binge eating, because I needed something to take me back to my faith. And I was thinking at the time, because I was single, like, maybe something's trying to get me back into the church because that's where I'm going to meet my husband. Like my brain was just. And I'm like, yeah. And the binge eating is glutney and it's a sin. And I need to go find Jesus. This is all the things. And I called my dad, and this is just an example of an epiphany day. And I'm just bawling my eyes out. There wasn't a day that went past where I wasn't bawling my eyes out. Yeah, it just proves so when you are in something so thick, you're just trying to grasp at anything for some sort of light to be like, oh, this is my way out. You know, because then that would have been, if I go to church, then that means this. Or maybe I should be doing this because that, like, you're just trying to find anything at that point. So I think that's so relatable, too. But people will be like, yeah, you do when you're in something so deep. Fucking your mind goes. Yeah. And like I said before, it was the accumulation of everything that I learned. I mean, that I didn't follow through with that. And that didn't set me free in any way. But understanding all of that and having that conversation with my dad and it is like a snowball effect. But I think one of the most defeating things is having these epiphany moments and then just relaxing. Like you would have this, this like hope. And then you just relapse. And then you like fuck it. I'm just going to like, I don't know how to get out of this. I thought that I did. I thought this was going to help. Now it's not. And then you just back to square one. And then you almost want to like throw that option away and not persevere with that because you haven't built any evidence to give you confidence to want to keep going. Anyway, day in the life, I would take us through. I would have, I would binge at night. That was like the main time that I'd binge. And it would depend on when I would have my last meal of the day. And because I wasn't doing anything, obviously made excuses of why dinner at 3pm was okay. So I would have dinner at 3pm. So then you have more time. Well, it wasn't really like the thought or not really. The thought was always, I'll have dinner early. Then there's longer time to digest. But that was just doing me worse because you know, two hours after I ate, I was hungry. And it was seven. And then I'd make an excuse of, well, it's seven o'clock. It's normal. Within the time I'll have dinner. Again. But I usually wouldn't have that two hour break because I would just have that meal and go, well, what else am I going to do for the rest of the day? I'll just have more. And then if I do get full and sick, then there's more time to digest. Just no one to keep you accountable. That actually was when I first started falling into this cycle, I did have Nicole living with me. And I don't think I really ever did it badly when she was there. But there was a point towards the end where she would go to bed and I would stay up. And she'd go, all right, I'm going to bed. She goes, are you gonna? And I'm like, yeah, maybe like, well, she goes, all right, you know, don't order any food. Just be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, because in my head, I've made myself okay with the idea that I'll just be good tomorrow. I'll just be good on Monday. That gives you the green light to then have that binge because you're, you know, you're enabling yourself. So even with someone kind of going, like, she was, she never said it. Like, she was always so, like, good about it. Never pushed it or tried to control me in an attempt to help me or anything like that because you can't know anyone else can know. But yeah, you just become the best enabler for the things that you don't want to do because you lack the tools and skills to understand and resonate with why you shouldn't. So in the mornings, would you still, I guess, go for your walk or go and do that? Or were you just sort of, like, was that your way to be like, oh, if I go for a walk then I can do this. Or was that even a conscious thought? Or would you just get up like, well, okay, you know, yeah. So I'd go to bed. Yep. And it would be so bad to the point where it's 11 p.m. I'm not even watching the show. I'm eating so much. I'm falling asleep on the couch. But to go to bed to then have to wake up was so scary and confronting to me. I would keep myself awake to eat more because it was going to make me feel better than facing my reality of being so uncomfortable and sick in bed because I would walk down the hallway. There's mirrors. I had to take my clothes off to have a shower. See everything that I had just done. Laying bed, I had the worst reflux, like ever, in digestion because I was so stressed, I wasn't digesting anything anyway. But I also just ate enough for a fucking large village in the space of four hours. Like, I do not know how I did that. I don't know. I think you about it now. Wasn't there times where you would sleep on the couch too? Would you? I would not, really. You'd always just, like, leave. I might pass out. Yeah. For a small moment. Wake up, eat some more. I don't have a hand still in the thing. Oh gosh. I don't know. It was, yeah. That extent. Yeah. So, I would get myself to bed. Yeah. Limited amount of time to sleep because I've obviously stayed up for so late. For so long. I'd be in pain. And because I'm eating so much shit too, it was obviously things that were exciting for my brain. So, it would be like sugar and you're awake. Carbs and all of that. Well, I was just blocked up. I wasn't going to the bathroom either. So, that obviously added to the feeling of how bad I felt. I would get like, mad night sweat. So, I just wake up, just drenched and sweat. And so, I'm waking up during the night. And then I would wake up in the morning, later immediately think like I could go toasty. That was like, I was fixated on that. Like, what's going to make me feel better? Getting up, looking at myself in the mirror, having to walk around the house, feeling this like weight and pain of the night before, having to deal with all this, like going and washing my face and feeling how flamed I was. Like, the quickest thing was I could order a toasty, but then you go, don't do that. So, then that restriction already starts. I would tell myself, okay, maybe I, like maybe I just walk all day. I started getting into the habit of leaving the house to go to this one spot, this park. And I would walk around the park for two hours. And then I'd go back to the car and grab my brain over binge book, go back to the park and lay there for like two hours and read a book. Because I thought this is the safest place for me to be because I'm too far away from a grocery store or home. And I won't eat and I wouldn't eat until like 2 p.m. And I'm also reading. So I thought, this is good. I've been for a walk. I'm reading all about this to get better, Malibu's outside with me and he's having outside time. Then we would get in the car and drive home. He usually sits in the boot of the car, but I had folded the chairs down because that was sometimes I would lay in the back of the car and read my book. So we had left and the seats were still down. He was sitting on the folded down part of the seat with his head out the window and I caught him in the revision mirror and then I just started boiling my eyes out because I'm like, this struggle has allowed me to slow down enough to now give him this experience and now he's enjoying himself and living life. Like maybe like this is what life is about is not being so routine and hustle bustle like you've got to be perfectly regimented and and I go, okay, this is this is a good thing in this fucked up time. I've got the time to give him these small moments and like, you know what I mean, so I'm learning all these like really really strong life lessons throughout all of this and this is why I'm so grateful that I went to it. Like it was the hardest time in my life, but I've learned so many things that make life in every day so much lighter and I wouldn't I wouldn't have learned all of these things if I didn't go through it. Like just the, yeah, the internal talk and the perspectives that I have, like, I guess it's just built resilience like in summary because whenever something hits me I'm like, well, it's not as hard as dealing with that, you know, and I can find the I can just be grateful in moments where maybe before I would have dwelled on it for too long, but I just think like it, yeah, it has given a new lease on life and slowed me down and all of that, but anyway, that would be the day I'd come home from the walk, immediately fighting these thoughts of what I want to eat and what I know I should eat, but then thinking about the behaviour that I had before and not wanting to eat at all because I thought I've just eaten enough for like the last the next two weeks, maybe if I don't eat then I can get on top of the calorie intake. But then I thought that's just going to make it worse. Then I'd enable myself to then eat and then it would start because I'm like, well, I'm not going anywhere for the rest of the day. Then I might get an email from work, one of my social media, like my social media agent or my modeling agent and then the guilt and the shame would start and I'm like, oh my god, I've got a mortgage and I don't know if you guys listened to one of our first episodes, it's all about getting scammed by mate. Before I fell into this pattern, I had $45,000 stolen from me. So I'm already like in a shit position and now I can't work because I can't break the cycle. Oh yeah. So when you're initial feeling you got that email, would you then just to then get over that you would then need to just start again to feel better in a way? It's just like never but I just didn't have the strength for anything. That's just kind of the habit of coming. But I would still wake up with hope. And then I got to a point where I just really felt like I was missing out on things. I wasn't seeing anyone and ignoring my agents because I didn't I didn't want to face it. So that's when things started sort of turning a page. I was like, what? He's gonna set me free and I just thought I have to tell everyone. So I did send like a big email to my agent. Is that yeah, that was the first thing you sort of did to bring everything to real life? Yeah, it would have been so hard to do because there has been times in my life where I'm showing up as this version of myself who's so confident and independent and a homeowner at 24. And I'm sitting in this and I'm driving and I'm living my life and the people who you think it's also like because it's so in your own head you want to show up as the people you think your family and friends expect you to be because of who they've known you to be. So when you're a whole identity and reality is changing you then don't want to go and show up in these spaces because you're like that's not who they know me to be it's like this whole thing. So I just thought I can't keep ignoring messages. I have to face the struggle and I also would think you know if someone else was going through this like what would I hope that they how would I hope they would lean on me and would I have any judgment if someone shared their truth with me and I thought no and this is why you have family and I've put I got doing that shaky thing. I put everyone in a group chat I'll read the message that I sent. Oh my god. This date is 23rd of February 2024. Start of last year. This is really hard for me but I know I need support. I'm seeing an in-person psychologist every two weeks and wait before that it's just reminding me. I started seeing an in-person psychologist every four night and then because I was struggling so much I then went online and found one to see in the weeks in between to try and keep that consistency but also it's so expensive yeah and I wasn't working so and you had to do this all in your own find the pet people in your own yeah yeah so that's what's led me to now sending this message as well yeah this is really hard for me but I know I need support. I'm seeing an in-person psychologist every two weeks and I've booked access to another one over the phone for the weeks in between. My binge eating is debilitating me the dopamine from sitting on the couch constantly consuming for hours at a time has been a coping mechanism for years but right now it is out of control. My face oh my god I'm going to cry. Oh my god I'm listening. It's okay. It's fine. Um thanks. I just feel sad for her. She was okay. All right, spree. Take a minute. Remember my belly, not my shoulder. Yeah, there you go. Uh, it's so hard to put yourself back there. Like you can see how you do feel so sad for her. Yeah. And what she thought about herself in that moment, you know. My face is so swollen from all the food that I don't even recognize myself when I wake up. I'm also like trying to educate them as a share because because I don't know that I don't know. I'm in pain and irritable to the point I can't even enjoy my home. My god. I'm not even loyal. It's okay. It's the first time you've probably read it ever. I can't even enjoy my home routine or animals. I haven't worked in over a month because my body image is so awful. Consequently making me anxious and stressed financially which then triggers more binge eating episodes in an attempt to numb those feelings. The constant guilt and fear of being judged makes me want to recluse and shut everything in everyone out. It's a fucked up cycle that's ruining my quality of life. Therapy and abinding my struggles is now the last resort. It's no one else's responsibility but if I ever come to mind during the day, I check in text could keep me present with my goals as I try to overcome this. Sorry for the heavy message first thing on a Friday thanks for hearing me. Love you all. Imagine them all getting that too and I can imagine you riding that. So weird to hear their messages come through because I think they knew that there was nothing that they could say to make it better. Yeah so a lot of them were like we've got you and you've got this. Thanks for reading that. Dad said we'll talk later my girl. Be kind to yourself that's where acceptance starts. So glad you've reached out. I think I might give you my phone and you can read what my dad said. He like took some time after that initial response and dad and I are such deep thinkers like something we have in common and I know that it's very evident that he's gone through a lot of evolution with his self-talk and where he's been so for him to come back a few hours later with another message I thought he's really sad with this and thought what about it. Yeah I'm going to let you read it if can you. Yeah I don't even know what it says but you like it would be good. I may drop some heavy truths in my comments but it's what real love looks like. You are beautiful both with your personality and physicality. The fact you have body insecurity is all to do with today's society and the need for girls and guys to be what everyone wants you to be. Social media sucks. for this. If you're looking at a mirror in the morning and it's giving you anything but positivity and love, I suggest you get another mirror. You may have a long road ahead to reprogram your brain and find acceptance. Reinvent yourself and focus on more what really counts in life. The superficial lifestyle is a fast. It brings false rewards. Search for the pose of life chased after everlasting goals. None of the stuff that really matters comes easily or overnight. It's a marathon and you have all the talent to overcome anything in your path. Be truthful to yourself and remember there's no condemnation in Christ. Research this last biblical quote, it has been a mainstay for me my whole life when I'm down on myself. God loves you because of who he is not because of who you are. Nothing you can do will change that love. That's what my love is like for you. He's so cute. But it is so true. And you haven't spoken about really the added pressure among having your platform with Instagram. That on top of everything else is just a whole other layer. It's fully made me think like I've got to find another career. And everyone wants that which is crazy. Everyone is chasing that now. They want they think that that is the B all end or and it's not like that's why when people you see the people who are using their platforms to do what you're doing now and to be vulnerable and actually help people like that's what it's about. It's about helping people. How can I help someone? Not posting a fucking outfit that you look good in like that's not helping anything. So I think this has crazy as it was for you. It had to happen in a way because you are so and even during that you were like props to you because you still were so present in being a good friend and being a good sister and being a good daughter. You were still that even when you were going through all of this. Not once did you even really sort like you weren't like moping around which I don't know how you weren't knowing the extent of what you were going through. I think it's easier to show up for other people than it is for yourself sometimes. And so that was maybe a bit of a lifeline too. Yeah. We would have meetings about the pod. And obviously it's saving grace. A lot of them were at my house. So I could just go okay. I don't have to do anything. He doesn't care what you look like. Just just be present. It's something else to focus on. But even having that patience with me. You would leave and you're like coming in hot life. Yeah. Let's fucking launch. Let's do this. And I'm just like you know, obviously I'm understanding too. But for you to still be patient and seeing the end goal being like, okay, it's still there. But I just need to process and get through this. Like you were never like, like you just didn't do that. Get it? Yeah. You were so patient and you said it in a different way. And like you still have that ability to think clearly, which is shows how strong you are in your mind, even if you felt like you weren't because you showed up for everyone, the same. Yeah. And you still kept going. So you could see you wanted so badly to get out of it because you would still give your times. Let's go get some equipment like you still were like giving you that thing to be like, no, I'm going to get out of it by doing this. It's giving me that strength. It's so nice that you could see that. But I was still doing things. I think the difference now is, it's not hard anymore because I have, I don't have that struggle. And there might have been times where my sister needed me to be a big sister. And I felt like because my capacity to empathize with myself and support myself was so low. I was like, how am I meant to show up and be the best big sister? I can't be when she needs me. And then that's when what really matters in life started pushing through. And I thought, I've got to get over this because life is about relationships and showing up in the ways that you want to show up. And yeah, I think just the biggest struggle is wanting to behave in a way that your most ideal self will, but not feeling like you're there yet. And you know those quotes, how it's like, show up as the person you want to be even before you are, because that's how you get there. Fake it till you make it sort of thing. And it works. If you want to be an athlete, but right now you've got no training, if you show up every day, like an athlete would, eventually you'll get there. Yeah. Well, it's like even I just go back to, I don't know if you've seen that Matthew McConaughey speech, it's like an iconic speech. And he's like, it's me in 10 years, like that's the person that I am chasing after. No one else. It's him in 10 years. Then that person and him in the next 10 years, because you just need to show up as them and it gives you that motivation. But it's also that perfect balance of slowing down to have that gratitude as well, because you don't want to be not in the moment. Yeah. And so now, feeling like I've been truthful and told the people around me, what I'm going to, I felt like I then had more hands sort of lifting me up onto this like, train of like, okay, what are we going to do with that now? All right. So we're coming up to the end of this episode, although it's definitely not the end. No, of this whole conversation. You've done therapy. You've told everyone and you're now coming out of that and getting the things that are helping you. What are your biggest takeaways or what have you learnt by going to therapy? Are there things that still stick with you now? We obviously haven't got to the reason why I'm now binge-free like specifically. But I did start noticing the biggest changes when I got a one-on-one therapist that specialised in being cheating. And that was just like crazy. The information that she said and just to have someone who had been through it as well, she, she's actually our age. She might even be younger and she had gone through similar and it just ignited this fire in her to then want to help people. So now she, yeah, does one-on-one. I had a call with her and she, she's very like, there's not much emotion involved in it, which was really good. I was so impressed by her. Like she called me, she said, hey, didn't really ask me any questions. Kind of just said everything I really needed to hear, but not in like a sales way at all. And she was like, I'm going to be there in your back pocket. You know, you can message me at any time. I had a 24-hour access to her. It was a little bit pricey. But I mean, I was just at the point. I'm like, I don't care. I'll pay whatever. And I had her for three months. And yeah, like I mentioned at the beginning of the episode, one of the big things was leaving that piece of food at the end of every meal. The biggest mission was kind of just removing the value that I was putting on food, not making it so valuable. Like, it was like the biggest part of my day and the best part of my day. We would move through, you know, week by week and introduce new things, week by week or every second week, depending on how I was when I would have these like meetings and how I was feeling. And I would share wins. And that's another thing in acknowledging those wins. Like even if they're not big, like maybe I had a binge, but I was able to identify that it was getting late and go and have a shower. And I would share that with her the next day. So last night, I still binge, but I was able to set a boundary for myself of what time I needed to get to bed. And on our myself by looking after myself in that way, having those self-care things sort of ready to go. And she would be like, that's amazing. Oh my God. Incredible. And she was just helping me to like acknowledge these things. So it's not, it wasn't about like perfecting a day and eating perfectly healthy and the right amount at the right times and doing all these perfect things. It was trying one tiny thing. And the more we did that, the more it encouraged me to want to share things with her. So I would be able to put these into the place because I was thinking, what do I want that phone call to look like? And that goes back to something we mentioned in the last episode of that instant first delayed gratification. The instant gratification is eating food right now, instantly enjoying it gratified. But the delayed gratification is worth so much more. And that's waking up and not feeling like I'm going to why I want to rip my chest out because I've got that part of reflux. You know, the thinking ahead and. setting intentions and sometimes even if your mind is like you don't want to let someone down that is enough to then get you through it because you're like I don't want to let her down by telling her something you know so then that would just help okay I want to send her a nice message to be like yeah I did this and when she calls me yeah what am I going to say and there were times like don't get me wrong there were times where I would risk it with the call and I'm like she's like I know she's like I know also yeah but but she also wanted that like giving me that space like it was just exactly what I needed she wasn't pushy she wasn't like no you need to have this phone call it definitely all still had to be up to me yeah there's definitely trigger spots and because I was living by myself there was no reason for me not to watch tv while I ate dinner and I started identifying that as a spot that would trigger urges so I would eat my meals at the table I would also set intentions before I sat down for a meal so I would say to myself out loud when I finished this meal I'm going to put my dishes in the dishwasher and go and have a shower and then once I was in the shower I wanted to brush my teeth and then before like I would be on my way to the shower when I get out of the shower I'm going to get out of I'm going to get into my pajamas and I'm going to put my legs up and read a book then I would go and do that and it's like actively setting intentions and you probably remember me saying it's like even on nights out and stuff I'm like it can change the whole trajectory of an evening if we look at each other and set an intention of what do we want the night so black when when we get there we do this when we get home from here we do that and that's another thing when I was in this cycle and I would show up to maybe a family catch up or something I would drive home and think well I already had an ice cream cone with everyone after we had pizza I may as well stop in their macgers and I'll get something else like I've already fucked it up yeah and then I get home and not want to shower so I'd sit on the couch and then I just order stuff and it was just you know like this constant thing so for me to build that confidence that I could go to a family catch up family barbecue I had to set those intentions when I get in the car I'm going to drive straight home when I get home I'm going to get in the shower like just pre-planning to honor what was best for me what I knew was best for me and then I would check in with my therapist and I would have something to share there was also one of the moments I'm so like I was so proud of one of my friends really wanted to go to a Missy Higgins concert and her and I threw out a whole friendship yeah we it was just like literally five minutes from home in an outdoor like sort of theater thing so it was going to be like such a nice night and throughout our friendship we've always loved to have a beer together like we both just love beer so much so I spoke to my therapist and I said I'm gonna drink I won't say that I won't drink because then I can flip and then I get there and then I over drink and then I can't drive home and then snowball so I said I'm gonna have two mid-strength beers and I'm gonna drive home so I got there and there was the opportunity to then continue drinking because I don't think I even voiced these to my friend I was just like in my head I was like not me got this set the intention on or what's best what you know is best for you I'm drinking the beer and I'm actually honoring the experience of having the beer too I'm drinking I'm going I'm really enjoying this I'm so lucky that I can have this moment and enjoy this this is good then like I'm getting to the end of it and I go all right there's an hour left of the evening I'm gonna I'll have another beer like do I need it right now I'll just wait and it's just like had the second beer that was the opportunity to have more and I was like no I'm good reminding myself of my intention when I get home gonna do this got home did it all work up the next day and I'm like oh my god I've just created evidence that's gonna build my confidence to know that I can do something that could have turned into a binge yep and that was crazy like I was just thinking oh my god that's so good and yeah that does prove with anything right like to build confidence is just those little steps of knowing you're not gonna let yourself down like when I think what confidence is it's all those things where you can back yourself trust your decision making actually make the decision and just fucking it's just backing yourself in every scenario oh um I remember what I was gonna say there was a time and this is about removing that value on food it's right there yeah I was on a date I was on a date before I fell into this not in this period oh yeah it's gonna ask me when I'm dating no no no hell no before before I had like fell into this that you know that you I went on a date and the person that I was with there was like a couple of sushi rolls left and I go on you can finish it that's what I'm saying to him and he goes nah I'm good I can have it tomorrow if I want you know I was like what that mentality is something I think about every day I just think when I'm scooping out my protein putting into my bowl and I'm trying so hard to get the everything I'm like bro who the fuck cares if I leave a quarter in this thing who cares I can have it tomorrow you know it's removing that value and I'm like wow I'm saving so much time not and then even your mentality of what half of a you know when you squit something what half looks better or what bowl do I want which one has more in it you know all that stuff I'm just like it doesn't matter yeah you can have it tomorrow you don't have to have it all now and it's this is obviously you know the the freedom mentality like being free from it this is the mentality that you have now accumulating all these tools and stuff but yeah like the things that I find myself doing now is wild and I always have a piece of food left in my plate without even thinking about it and you know how I know because there's always something for Jack to eat at the end of him finishing his meal and that's also helped be a lot I was like I'm hesitant to say that because obviously I don't want to dishearten any of you that are single and you know don't have a partner but it made me realize that I am now just leaving something on my plate yeah I'm just thinking I can have it tomorrow and I and if I want it I have it there's also a part we've got a wrap-up symbol there's also a point with therapy where she's like what's a fear food what's something that you're afraid to have and like on a you know weekday do you have any foods that you just you know don't have on a weekday and I'm like well yeah I try and be like healthy throughout the week she goes have a piece of chocolate when on a in a time on a day that you would never dare to after having a meal I was like I kind of feel like chocolate so I had a row and then I carried on but the reason I was able to do this is because I said to myself after I have this bit of chocolate I'm gonna go outside and put the bins out and a quick analogy to end the episode that's sort of like the urge feeling as well have you ever like left the house and thought I need to pee but you're in a rush or something and you need to leave the house and then not even like 10 minutes 20 minutes after that feeling kind of goes away it's because you're distracted you're moving on you're doing something else you're not fixating on it you're not letting that urge consume you just like all right yeah I went for a walk one time and I felt I was like oh I need to pee before I started walking but because I've been so distracted I'm like now it's not consuming me now I'm not trying to action it I'm just you know doing something else but yeah I was like oh my god that's how urges work and like proves how strong your mind is though yeah you know how strong a thought can be if you allow to be it your mind is insane yeah exactly if you allow to if you give it that space and it will take it up so yeah I mean a conversation to be continued yeah thank you so much for sharing and I know how hard that was but I can't even feel as you're going through just the weight lifted and the more you speak about it the more it's gonna not be so attached to who you are you know like which is so important yeah we're finishing up now but wait I wanted to just say as well when I was starting to lean into podcasts and books and therapists and you know all of these are materials that were available I did come across a podcast by these two young girls and was it us no no it's it's not actually a good thing okay they oh it's not a good thing no they clearly didn't know if they were talking about yeah and they're talking about it and they go I reckon just eat everything and then you won't feel like doing it the next day. And because I was so impressionable and I'm like scram link for like any sort of open information I can try an action. I was like, oh, so with that being said, yeah, be very selective on what you choose to absorb and listen to. Brain over binge is a renowned, she's a professional in the area. She has a book and she has a podcast, so I feel like I should mention the name, but Brain over binge. We can put it in the description. Yeah, we're in the show notes. I'll also add the therapist that I worked with one on one. I'll put all of her information in the show notes as well because she's just amazing and it was all online as well. So she's accessible to anyone wherever they are. There's so much information out there. Like I said right at the start, like it is the accumulation of everything and some things are going to stick and some things might not be relevant for a year after you hear them. I had that date like two and a half years ago and now this is popped up. And I'm like, oh my gosh. So yes, thank you guys so much for listening. I think next week we will read some listener stories and answer more questions. So feel free to email and DM us. I'm so proud of you. Thanks. So proud. So cool to see that. We started the pod because then you one day I would want to share this. Okay. I love you lots. We'll see you guys next week. This episode is brought to you by Netflix's new series, East of Eden, a bold reimagining of John Steinbeck's masterpiece following generations of the Trask family through love, betrayal and the choices that shape humanity, starring Mike Feist and Christopher Abbott as the Trask brothers and Florence Pew as Kathy Ames, the complex anti-Heroan determined to build the life she wants. No matter the cost, watch East of Eden now, only on Netflix.