Infidelity: Why People Cheat

Kun elämä ylättää, meilaisen tapa turma päivysty sauttaa. Meilaisen tapa turma päivystykset töölyssätikkurillassa ja tapiolassa. Palvelivat joka päivä ilman ajan varausta. I'm Jillian Torekki, certified relationship coach and teacher with over 20 years experience, helping people transform their relationship with themselves through their bodies, breath and minds. I have coached and taught thousands to become better versions of themselves, so that they change the way they show up in relationships, in their love lives and for themselves. Today's episode is "Why People Cheat". This is obviously a touchy subject. It's an intense subject because for those of you who have been in a relationship where someone has cheated on you, you know that it is incredibly painful. I'm going to be going over a few reasons, three specifically, "Why People Cheat", as well as what you can do to prevent this from happening, and what I suggest you do if you're in a relationship, and this has happened. So, yeah, I'm going to get right to it. And first, I just want to say that I do not condone cheating or infidelity in any way, shape or form. I do not support betrayal or lying to the person you're in a relationship with in any way, shape or form. But I am going to cover some stuff that will be, I think, really interesting, and maybe it'll be something that you haven't heard before. And really, my point, my intention is just to help. So, here I go. There are three main reasons why people cheat, and I'm going to cover them all here. The first one is someone just being a chronic cheater. They basically cheat on everyone. They cheat on everyone. They're not a person who cheated. They're just a cheater. And really, when the cheating and the infidelity is a symptom of a much larger problem, it is a symptom that is part of other symptoms. For example, this person might have an issue with sex addiction or substance abuse, drugs and alcohol that has been unchecked, unmanaged, and still very much alive and active. That's mostly because we don't tend to make the best decisions for ourselves when we're under the influence. There could also be, in this person, who is the chronic cheater, a pathological fear of intimacy, meaning just terrified of intimacy. We all have our fears when it comes to intimacy. But this person is so fearful of it that whenever the relationship is getting to a point reaching deeper levels of emotional intimacy, this is when the chronic cheater will check out and cheat. And they also have an extreme fear of commitment. It's a kind of tied into each other, this pathological fear of intimacy and commitment. So often you'll see this person, this kind of person will, they get very addicted to the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the beginning, where everything is very new and exciting. And then as soon as things start to get serious, that person might then start to engage with others within social media. They might actually start texting their exes or texting random men or women and flirting. They might even start a sexting affair with someone, which is basically a texting affair that's exchanging inappropriate texts, romantic and sexually nuanced texts with someone who is not your partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, whatever you want to refer to them as. Usually it starts like that. And then one of those people that they are sexting with, they're having a texting affair with, they're engaging with on social media, they'll end up meeting. And maybe again, this is someone that this person already knows or this is an entirely new person and they start an affair or there is no affair, there's just a one night stand, but there's a series of them. And that's basically what happens. This is a symptom of a much larger issue. If you've been in relationship with this type of person, with the chronic cheater, then if you were really honest with yourself and you look back, you would see that there were other red flags. There was maybe extreme emotional unavailability. Maybe they followed a ton of provocative accounts on social media and you even caught them engaging with strangers. Maybe they were texting with X's or you started to notice that they were lying about some stuff, little things and then big things. You were well aware of the fact that they are an addict, they are an alcoholic or a drug addict who has not gotten any help for this. And so there was that red flag. But also the double lifer. And that's the person who maybe isn't doing things like engaging with random strangers on social media. Maybe this person doesn't engage in texting affairs, sexting affairs with others. Maybe they're doing none of that, but they live a double life, meaning they're in a relationship with someone and they have a long term affair, literally a relationship with someone other than their current relationship. They're basically having two relationships. That is a whole other can of worms, but again, is part of a larger problem where that person would definitely need therapy. And in my very strong opinion, if you're in a relationship with someone who's been living a double life and literally having a very long term affair/relationship with someone other than you, that is not something that you can recover from. That is not something that should be forgiven, because if it is a double life or that means months and years of lies and betrayal. And to be honest, that is not something that I've ever known anyone to be able to recover from. And I do not think it's possible. Maybe they stayed in a relationship and maybe they quote unquote said we worked it out, but really did you really work it out because I've not been able to see how trust can be rebuilt in that particular circumstance. In the circumstance of the chronic cheater, meaning being in a relationship with someone who doesn't just cheat on you, they cheat on everyone. They're a cheater. That's part of actually their identity. They wouldn't want to think of it that way, but it is. It's almost like an archetype. My recommendation is you get out of that. I don't think that one should tolerate that. I think that if you do tolerate that, then you're a doormat. And I don't want that for you. If that's been you, I want you to forgive yourself because you deserve to forgive yourself because it's so hard. And I know that would be a situation where you would have to do some soul searching and work maybe with a professional, some sort of mentor to figure out why did I tolerate this and or why is it that I've had three relationships or two relationships or more relationships in a row where I've been with a chronic cheater. Is it that all men cheat? No. Is it that all women cheat? No. It's that you're choosing these cheaters. You're attracted to these cheaters and then that would be something to explore and to examine so that you can be free of this pattern because it is way too painful and you do not deserve it. So then there's everyone else and to be perfectly honest, cases of infidelity and cheating, most of them are about everyone else. It's a smaller percentage of people who are chronic cheaters and it's an even smaller percentage of people who are the double lifers. Much more commonly is the person who has cheated rather than the person who is just a cheater. So what are the reasons behind someone who would cheat, who's not a cheater? There's two specific ones that I want to explore today with all of you. The first one is very specific to the relationship that this person has with themselves. It's when they feel to put it bluntly dead inside. They don't feel alive anymore inside in their souls and their hearts and their guts. This could have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship. In fact, surprisingly, they could be in a really good relationship, a solid relationship, a loving relationship, where there isn't anything at least surfacely "wrong". But like I said, the dysfunction or the problem is the relationship that they have with themselves. This is when the magic goes out in ourselves and I've certainly experienced feeling disconnected from myself and feeling not alive inside. This could be when we feel more accurately put disconnected from the magic inside of ourselves. This happens sometimes because of a loss of purpose. Some people feeling not connected to their purpose in life. This can happen when we feel chronically bored. There's a lot of boredom in our lives and that usually is a direct result of being stuck in a rut. And as a result, we don't feel connected to the part of ourselves that feels excited and adventurous and inspired and sexy and just like I said, alive. And then, if you're in that state or if this person is in that state, disconnected from themselves and then they meet someone, they meet someone who is not their spouse, their lover, their significant other, their partner. They can be a completely different person with this other person or they can return to the parts of themselves that they weren't able to access while they were in the relationship or they just felt disconnected to in this new relationship. It's like they can forget about all their problems and it's almost like they roleplay, although they're roleplaying a part that actually is a part of themselves but they've been long suppressing maybe for months, years for most of their lives. So you get to step into a completely different version of yourself. And unfortunately, usually this happens and the person that there in a relationship with is completely blindsided. And hopefully we're tuned enough to our partner to recognize when someone we love is stuck in a rut but we just had no idea that it was that intense. We had no idea that maybe that person was feeling depressed for that reason because their partner never communicated with them. They didn't know the extent to which that person was feeling so disconnected from themselves and it's very painful to be blindsided with this. The second reason, and it's related to the first, it's definitely feeling disconnected to this sense of aliveness. But in this case, it's not just a problem that the person is experiencing with themselves that has nothing to do with the relationship. The problem has a lot to do with maybe some problems that are occurring rather inside of the relationship. For example, they feel ignored or insignificant to their partner. They feel unimportant. That could be for many different reasons. The reasons that their partner could even admit to, it doesn't justify the infidelity or the cheating. But if it's looked at closely and honestly and with accountability, the person there in a relationship with would be able to say, "Yeah, I have not been giving my loved one the attention and the appreciation that they need and deserve." It could also be that someone feels very uncertain in the relationship. They feel very insecure and unsafe and then they meet someone who's promising all these things to them and make them feel really safe. It could be that this couple is disconnected from each other emotionally and that's part of the feeling insignificant and feeling ignored. But there's a lack of intimacy emotionally. It's very rare that infidelity happens because of a lack of love. It moreso happens because there's a lack of connection, both emotionally and or physically. It could be that this couple, that these two people are so stuck in their routines. Whether that's the routine of parenting, whether that's their personal routines, whether it's the routine of the household, they're so stuck in the partnership of the relationship, which is important. It's like the business side of the relationship that's running the household is making sure that things are going steady and smooth, that they lost sight of the magic and the adventure side of the relationship. The part that's not about routine. The fun stopped having fun. Even their sexual lives have become totally routine. This is what happens in a long-term relationship. Again, it's not justification for cheating. There's plenty of people, plenty of couples who get stuck in ruts and bored and then they don't cheat. But they might start to fantasize about cheating more than they should, so to speak, or more than what is healthy for the couple, I should say. Sometimes there's a lack of affection. I've spoken to people who have cheated. They're not cheaters, but they have cheated. It's like, you know, I stopped being touched by my partner. Oftentimes, this happens when the relationship becomes a receptacle for both parties' stress. They're stressed out whether it's work stress, whether it's parenting stress, whether it's health stress, whether it's family stress, they're just stressed out. One person's way of coping with their stress is they sort of retreat. They stop being available emotionally or they stop being affectionate. And then the other person might not be as stressed, and they are wanting a lot of affection, or maybe they're stressed and they want even more affection, and they feel like, wow, it's been months where my partner won't talk to me or my partner won't touch me. They won't even hold my hand. So feeling discarded in that way, huge signs of a lack of communication inside of a relationship. It's just important for me to note that all of these things happen, and they can happen in a long-term relationship, but it gets prolonged, and it becomes a real sickness inside of the relationship, a real problem inside of the relationship, because there's no communication about it, or they're talking about it, but they're not communicating effectively about it. I'll talk about communication in another episode of the podcast, for sure, but this really is just a symptom of a lack of communication. The reality is that inside of this relationship where you might be feeling ignored or insignificant or uncertain, or you guys are just stuck in a rut, and you're more dedicated to the certainty of the relationship, the routine of the relationship, and not dedicated enough to the fun in the relationship. So oftentimes people who will have this large indiscretion and look outside the relationship and cheat, they would let's say they have an affair, right, so it's not just a one-night stand, it's an actual fair. Many of these people will report feeling really safe and loved inside their relationship, but also feeling like not entirely seen or understood, and just feeling like they're bored, and again, that lack of aliveness, and then they have an affair with someone who brings all that excitement back. And then the conundrum is, I've got one relationship that's making me feel really safe, and another relationship that's really touching my erotic side, it's making me feel like everything is new again. And the problem is that the actual primary relationship, the actual marriage or relationship, they're not meeting each other's needs. They might be meeting their needs for security and stability, but they're not meeting each other's needs for the fun and the excitement and also feeling significant to one another. So that's what's happening. You know, they might love each other a lot, but they're fighting a lot, and they're exhausted. And they think in the infidelity they can for a night or for several nights or for several months in an affair, forget all their problems and be cherished by this person and seen by this person. Again, this is not in any way a justification. This is not blaming the person who has been cheated on. Absolutely not. All I am describing is some of the things that happen that can lead to a person who doesn't normally cheat to cheat. And sometimes this happens in an emotional fair where there isn't actually any physical touching. Sometimes this happens in the office and not is very much a sign of two people in a relationship where the connection has been lost. A lot of their connection has been lost. Their emotional intimacy is not there. They're not communicating about it. They're not seeking help about it. It's like this big fat elephant in the center of the room that they're not addressing. Let's just say this is just an example of their work and they meet someone and then all of a sudden they're like feeling this closeness with someone that they're not able to feel with their actual partner. And so they don't want to go that step of actually having intercourse or fooling around or making it physical, but they're getting so many of their needs matters as if they're in a relationship. Yeah, that's cheating. And so there's a sort of emotional fair that can be justified in the beginning. Oh, we're just friends. And then you see, no, I'm developing feelings. I feel alive when I'm with this person. I feel seen. I feel understood. That is all a sign that you're not dealing with the problems inside of your relationship or you're in the wrong relationship and you're not addressing that. Either way, it points to something is wrong that you are not addressing. That's not being addressed. So here's what you can do about first preventing this from happening. And then I'll explain how to address this if it has happened. So number one, when you're beginning a relationship with someone or even I say this because I do think this is something that should be discussed in the early stages of a relationship. But by no means is it something that should not be discussed later in the relationship? I mean, bring it up regardless of what stage you are in the relationship. It's important to discuss your boundaries with one another. And what do I mean by that? Monogamy is a choice. It's a choice. And so we will be attracted to other people or human beings. It's what's going to happen. We're going to be attracted. It's not a big deal. But if you are committed to each other and the decision is to be monogamous, then as a couple, it is wise. And I really recommend this to discuss what your boundaries are so that you can prevent situations in which it would be really difficult to stay monogamous. So for example, going away for a weekend with friends without your significant other where there will be single people there and alcohol, not a wise choice. Especially if you know that some of the single people who are going to be there are people who you would be attracted to. If you know that, if you find one of them attractive, you just don't put yourself in that situation. That goes for business trips too. That goes for any social gatherings. I mean, look, does that mean you never go to a party without your significant other? No. It just means that you just are aware of that. You can't avoid it completely. I mean, you're going to go out into the world and there's going to be people who are going to be like, wow, that person is really sexy and attractive. No big deal. Don't make it such a big deal. It is what it is. It's just part of us. However, like I said, we can do things that can make it so that we are not unnecessarily putting ourselves in situations like weekends away where it becomes really difficult. So discussing your boundaries with that is really important. Also discussing your social media boundaries like who you're following and what are the boundaries around engaging with strangers and all of that. Have this conversation because this is also very much a values conversation. It is perfectly normal to not want the person you're in a relationship with to be following a bunch of provocative accounts. We live in a world now and in a time and in an age where we are constantly being bombarded with distraction. This is the reality. It's not going anywhere and it might be just getting worse. So as a person in a relationship in today's world, it is really important to have the social media conversation and to discuss what is appropriate and not appropriate and what your boundaries are. And to be on the same page. And if you're starting to see someone and you're not on the same page, that could be a deal breaker because this is one of the things like having children, not having children, religion, politics, whatever it is, money. These are the things that are really important to be in alignment about. It's a values thing. So discussing your boundaries is really important in helping to prevent this from becoming an issue. The second thing is our relationship with ourselves. And this is a huge part of my philosophy. It really is the philosophy of all the coaching and teaching I do on relationship. That is the relationship we have with ourselves determines the quality of relationships we have with others. When we improve the relationship we have with ourselves, the relationship we have with others, particularly a romantic relationship improves. When something is not going well in our relationship, the first thing to look at is our relationship with ourselves. And so if you are feeling disconnected from yourself, by the way, we all go through phases like this. You need to figure out why and do something about it. It's just that simple. It's not necessarily easy, but it is that simple. Figure it out. Figure out why you don't feel connected to purpose. Figure out why you don't feel alive. Figure out why you feel disconnected from your center. Figure it out and do something about it. Higher professional. Go start working out. Change your routine. Switch it up. Take some risks in your life so that you feel more alive. Do something about it. Number three, address the issues in your relationship. If you're not feeling significant to one another, if there's been a loss of connection and affection, if it's gotten boring, if you're stuck in a rut, you have to address it. And do it collaboratively. And if you're having a hard time communicating, hire someone to help you or read, there's lots of books out there on communication. There's lots of accounts on social media on communication. There's this podcast. Do whatever you just tons of free content if you can't hire someone. But do what you have to do to address the issues in the relationship. Don't let the elephant in the room exist. You got to stare it down. You got to identify it. You got to talk about it. And then you got to do something about it. And that brings me to number four, which is there has to be a joint collaborative effort to do more of the things that you both did in the beginning of the relationship now. You have to bring more of your A game to each other. Have you allowed the relationship to become a receptacle of your stress and pain? Have you stopped working on yourself emotionally and physically? Have you become boring? Are you guys stuck in routine in a rut? Because it's time to do something about it. Are there things that you've wanted to explore sexually that you're not exploring sexually with one another? Time to switch it up. Time to do more of what you did in the beginning of the relationship now. So if you're in a relationship and someone has cheated or maybe you have even cheated and you really want to work on the relationship. If you're with a cheater, not someone who cheated, but a cheater or a double lifer, get out of the relationship. You're not going to change the cheater. Don't try to win their love. Don't try to convince yourself that it's because of you. And if you just changed or if you just love them more, if you just gave more stop making excuses, just get out. They're not going to change. They need a lot of help, a lot of work on themselves for them to be able to change. And you can't be someone waiting in the waiting room while they're figuring themselves out. If they even want to figure themselves out, so get out. That is the only thing that I can say to that. And I know it's not easy. But it is really simple and you can recruit whatever help that you need to get out. But that's what you need to do. So let's just say you're in a relationship or a marriage. And there has been infidelity in cheating. It's really important that the person who has gone outside of the monogamous relationship and emotionally cheated or hadn't affair or had a one night stand, whatever it is, if you are that person, it's really important that you express remorse and a real heartfelt apology not once, it might take months of doing that. And it's just so important to be responsible, to be accountable for whatever disconnection you have felt to yourself, to them. Whatever inner conflict you're facing about, not feeling like yourself or feeling disconnected from the alive parts of yourself, feeling disconnected from a part of yourself that you have long suppressed, whatever that inner conflict is, it's yours and you need to own it. And own that you allowed your inner conflict to sabotage your relationship and to hurt the person you love. And no one should give anyone a second chance if they haven't taken responsibility because the reality is not even a shoulder shouldn't thing is, you're never going to trust them again. So that's really important. Have to be responsible for causing pain and for being so dishonest, you have to be responsible for the betrayal of trust. You are someone who wants to work it out with the person who has cheated on you. If the two of you have made the decision to work on your relationship in the face of insvidelity, then it's really important that the person who's been cheated on is able over time to see their part. They're part in the breakdown of the connection. It's not going to work. The relationship actually does not stand a chance if the story becomes they cheated and I'm the victim. It could be the story in the beginning when there has to be remorse and apology and you have to understand the pain that you've caused. But if you really want to take it to the next level and work it out and have a new marriage or a new relationship that has the potential to be better, then the one that you're working out, having a new relationship with each other. It's the same to people, but it's a new and better relationship. Then you have to both see how you've contributed to the lack of connection or the disconnect. Have to. I know people who are thriving in their marriage or committed partnership after infidelity and they're able to thrive and yes, it took couples therapy. I do not believe that a couple can come back and thrive after cheating and a fair infidelity unless you have third party help. I just have never seen it happen. You must get third party help and I have seen and I have personally experienced in my practice, people really thriving after an infidelity, but it's only because both of them were able to see their part. And then they made a promise to each other to then do the steps that I outlined, which is they discussed boundaries. They made a promise to each other to communicate, to make the relationship with themselves of utmost importance. And they made a promise to collaboratively join forces and do the things that they weren't doing in the beginning of the relationship or do the things rather, I should say, that they were doing in the beginning of the relationship, but they were no longer doing. And a lot of that had to do with addressing, obviously the relationship with self, addressing communication, addressing the ways in which they made each other feel unappreciated, unseen, unheard, insignificant, where they've let boring and routine take over their relationship. So it's the only way. So I hope this helped. I know that it is really a process and a lot of people, when they have been cheated on by someone they love, they'll get shamed for trying to make it work. And that's sad because what if this is a case where you can see your part? And maybe it was just one in discretion. Not every cheating scenario is created equal. Not everyone is a cheater who cheats. Some people are just people who cheated, not cheaters. And so it's case specific, it's complicated, but make no mistake about it. It's still a betrayal. If it is going to be worked out, it has to be addressed with extreme care and in the presence of a third party like a therapist or coach, counselor. So this episode was, why do people cheat? This is a heavy one. And I really think it's going to help a lot of you. So I just want to say that there are a lot of reasons why people cheat, I've outlined them all here. There are people who are just cheaters. And there are people who really are not cheaters, but they happen to have cheated. And there's a difference. And so this episode breaks it all down for you. I would love it if you can rate, review and subscribe. And I would love it if you could share this with a friend who could really benefit from this. Because you never know. You could be saving someone's relationship. You could be helping someone who's been tolerating so much less than they deserve. You could be helping them to get strong and to get out. I'm Jillian Tureki. This is Jillian on Love. Thank you for listening and until next time. Jillian on Love is a Q-code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced by Ryan Counthouse, edited and music by Will Tendi. -Kiitin. -Kiitin.