275: Imperfect People! Ft. Miles Bonsignore

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Make sure you're on the right track, no matter where you are on your financial journey. Intuit Credit Karma. Karma you can count on. You feeling comfy over there? I'm so comfy. Honestly, I'm more comfy than I've ever been. Do I have headphones? No, I'm just checking. Okay, cool. No, I don't have the sound effects like you do. No, I don't need them. No, everyone is going to be so excited though. I'm going to have to like put a fart sound in here just for you. That's, I'm glad I'm becoming known as the guy who does the fart sound. I was losing my mind and then everyone was commenting on our episode and they're like Morgan's face when the farts hit. I was like, I just, you're not expecting it. And like, even though I listened to episodes and I was prepared, like when you hear it in your own headphones. It's powerful. It is a powerful tune. It hits you in the teeth. It really does. It really does. I was like, okay, I'm ready. I'm buckled up. And I had so much fun over on your show. Oh, thank you. That's so nice. It was so good. So if you guys get done with this episode or if you're like, I don't even want to listen to this. I'm going to head over there. Go over to Miles's podcast, Perfect Person and check out our episode because it is so good. It'll be linked in the description too. So really easy to find. You were a lovely guest. Thank you. But I'm so excited to have you today. Ah, thank you for having me. This is so nice to get cozy on this iconic seat. Miles, for those that aren't familiar with your game, your lore, what's your elevator pitch to the people? I host a podcast called Perfect Person where we take live callers and we solve their problems in a way that they don't have to. We do it in a well-meaning but usually ridiculous way. It's so fun. That's sort of like the ethos of it. But I think that sometimes the advice is good even though we're dumb while we give it. Like people call in about all sorts of things. It's usually very light, but I would say like even though we might goof around at first, towards the end I always give a sentence that is like a little piece of actual genuine advice. No, it's beautiful. And you have very complex, crazy dilemmas. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And because we can talk to them on the phone, like we get, we get so much follow-up. Yes. You're getting so much detail. It's gorgeous. Yeah. People are really like, people have shared so many intimate details about their lives. I'm always shocked that they're willing to share. I'm honored. It really does show how safe a space you create that they're willing to share that much. Well, I think it's also because like the people who call in have, they share a sensibility because they listen to the show. So they know that we're not, they're not going to like be made fun of. Like we might laugh along with them at their story. Okay. But like my goal is never, like if somebody called in and they had a bad experience, I would like be devastated. I would be so upset if they were like, man, I wish I didn't call in. Like I would, that would hurt my feelings. So I think that, but that I think like that insecurity of mine protects the callers from like the idea that they'll call in and share and I'll like tease them or something. Or like shit on them or make fun of them. Like, you know, you're. People call in and I sometimes am like, I don't know, you might be in the wrong here, but I do it in a way that you would tell a friend that they're in the wrong, which is like, I pad it with the nice things or I sandwich it. Our soft, you're the asshole, not just you're the asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It'd be like, am I the culprit? Because even asshole might even be, I would never necessarily be like, how often do you think, what's the ratio on the people on this show, whether they're the asshole or not? I honestly really wonder. I have a Google sheet going where we track all of our stories and everything. Yeah. Someone's got to have the stats on that. I am going to make that a thing now where my, I don't know how to, I work Excel, but I have an amazing helper that does. And I'm going to be like, wait, can we look? Because everything's tracked, like literally my sheet. Oh yeah, this is an incredible Excel sheet. Oh my God. Status of OP's post, where deleted, removed, updates. This is so cool. So we track a bunch of stuff. I'm not seeing us tracking asshole or not the asshole. So we're going to have to add that and do some stats. But I feel like it's honestly mostly not the asshole. Yeah, I think that's probably how the like the Reddit trends anyway, because the inherently people are writing it in. But I think it'd be nice to have for you to have a forecast. Be like, this month we are down. Assholes are 25% down. This month we're actually trending up, guys. In the summer months, we actually have more assholes than usual. Where are you from originally? North Carolina. You got kids? I got two kids. Two kids? Yeah, two kids. How old? Three year old and a 11 month old. Okay, so you're very qualified to give advice on a lot of things. Thank you very much. Yeah, you got some tools in your belt. I have, I feel like, I come off I don't know if this is true, but I feel like I come off as somebody who has lived no life experience. No, you give the opposite. Really? Oh, that's very nice. Yeah, I did. I guess I think that, like, specifically me having two young children and like, I think that I because I present obviously very goofy. I'm like an incredibly goofy person. But I think then it's like, oh, no, I do have like children. And I do kind of have it more together than I maybe give off in the first. No, you give together. You also give like you give so much fun energy. Like I get camp counselor. I get like so nice, like works at a home store like a Lowe's and like just knows how to fix everything or like he you need a miter jig. Here you go. Like you just give you give such knowledge just here. That is so, so nice of you to say. And I do like tools. My father like built my house growing up in the woods, picked up a thing. And I did pick up a thing or two. I know how to use like, you know, belt sander or whatever. I know how to like do like basic carpentry that not. Extreme because like there are people out there. I think that that's like one of the things, by the way, that I think is underappreciated is people that are good carpenters, good plumbers, good like anyone that is good with their hands like that. I think that's like the most interesting skill. The trades. The trades are truly undervalued. I want to go shadow an electrician so bad. Oh, it's so electric. It's so cool. I'm like, are you scared of getting shocked every day? Because I would be. I'd be on it. I would be terrified. By the way, you give to me as somebody who grew up knowing how to use tools. Is that not true? Yeah. Yeah. See, I mean, you said miter, miter jig. Yeah. I'm like, well, I'm like, do you have pocket jig? Because like that's on my tool purchase list. What kind of drill do you have? What's the brand? I'm a Milwaukee household. By the way, same. Yeah. Impact driver and drill baby. Yeah. Brushless. Oh, no, we got it all. I just got a little, a little jigsaw. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. That's great. I'm like, I'm really going to start cutting diverse shapes. I want to get a bandsaw. Like, I really want to go like big. Yeah. See, growing up, like obviously in LA, like there's less space for me to have like an entire work shed. I don't have like a garage that I can convert, but growing up, my dad had, we had two buildings on our property. We grew up in the woods. Yeah. And my dad built our house and like with just him, him and his like friend built it. That's so cool. And then they built a workshop. So he had like, you know, a table saw of, you know, a circular saw, all the stuff. And I was like, man, it'd be so nice to have some of these tools, but I don't know where to put them. I want a router really bad. That'd be nice. I know. Yeah. But okay. I've got a bunch of really, really fun stories for you today. Perfect. They're all about imperfect people. These people are just a little outrageous. They might not be, you know, imperfect, but maybe their actions were. We're going to, we're going to feel them out today and see, see what kind of crazies we're dealing with. Love it. All right. Okay. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. Let's dive in. year old son and every time they take him there, I am a nervous wreck. I've tried to be the chill parent, but the breaking point was two weeks ago. They took him for a weekend and when I went to pick him up, my mom casually mentioned that he wandered off for about 10 minutes while they were unloading groceries. They found him near a steep ravine about 200 yards from the cabin. She laughed it off and said, that's just how we grew up. He's learning his boundaries. I lost it. I told them that until they install proper fencing, baby proof the stove, and get a satellite phone for emergencies, my son is not going back there without me. Totally fair. My dad called me a snowflake. Yeah, that'll get her. And said, I'm raising my son to be soft and afraid of the world. He says, I'm robbing him of his freedom. I'm robbing him of his freedom. I'm robbing my kid of a real childhood and that I'm being disrespectful to their lifestyle choices. Now they are giving me the silent treatment and telling the rest of my family that I'm using my son as a weapon to control them. My sister thinks I should just compromise and let them take him for day trips, but there is still no way to call for help if something happens. I feel like I'm a neurotic mess. Am I wrong here? No, absolutely not wrong. That is crazy. By the way, this is like, okay, you're simulating the environment of like colonial America. You can't call for help. There's no fences. It's like, and you know who died a lot in colonial America? Everybody. It was like, you know what I mean? Like mortality rates over as time has gone on have gone lower and lower because we have things like safety or well testing or fences or like, you know, any sort of standard. Standard of, uh, trying to protect people, especially if you're is three, three-year-old three, you know, like still a baby. Yeah. That's I, and I have a three-year-old and my three-year-old would be diving off of a ravine. If he could find it. I can, I'm actually shocked that they admitted that he was like near ravine, 200 yards away. Ha ha. 200 yards. Like, so two football fields. I'm like envisioning myself at like the high school track, looking across the football field. Like I can't see at the other end basically. And I have got contacts with 2020 vision. So he's two of those away, little person near steep edge. You're clearly incapable of monitoring him in the way he should be. It's also like, does he have to go alone? Like if they want him to go out there, if the assumption is that they want him to see the cabin, that's fine. But then a parent has to go be like, well, he can come, but I'm going to come with, we'll all do a day trip together. I think that it doesn't have to be like, we'll never go. But I think that it's crazy to expect that, well, you get to have full supervision in a place that I think is totally unsafe. And I can't go with you. It does sound like a cool, rustic experience that actually probably would be great for a kid. But if they're not gonna, you know, they don't remember also what it was like to have young kids because it was probably 30 years ago, 40 years ago. I think that that's like an interesting thing about, uh, like my parents are really wonderful and my wife's parents are really wonderful, but there are some things that they forget because when they had babies, that was 30 years ago. So it's like, of course there'd be like, oh yeah, we forgot how we did this. Cause it was a long ass time ago. I have a friend who's going through the exact same thing and new baby mom came to stay and basically just had to be like, you're not being helpful. Everything you're doing is like giving me more anxiety. And it's like the baby has colic and the baby won't stop crying. And mom is like, well, isn't that fun? Isn't that so fun? I dealt with that with you. And it's like, thanks. Great. Okay. What am I supposed to do? Like I'm going crazy and you're just not being helpful. And I think that is a part of it. They forget it's just been so long and it's different. It's different when it's not your kid, especially your first kid. Totally. So yeah, if they're going to be negligent, no, you're not wrong. And Hey, at the end of the day, you're protecting your kid. If people are going to be mad, then bye. Also. Yeah. A hundred percent. And also the idea that the child's being robbed of like a childhood, how they used to grow up when the child's five, they can go back. Three is a crazy, like my son in between ages when he turned three and how old he is now, which is like, you know, uh, three and a half ish. That jump was so significant. It is a totally different child. He is so much more capable. I'm never worried about him like falling or tripping on stuff like that much anymore. But when he was three, it was like, he just learned to walk. Like, yeah. I mean, even three, I'm like, they're probably depends on how early you started, but like just about to be potty trained fully. Sure. Exactly. Can talk, but like not truly express themselves in a way. And it's like, there's no emergency phone. What if his little appendix burst and he can't communicate that. And by the way, he didn't just learn to walk, but I mean, like he's still getting no, but like steady. Yeah, exactly. Like steady can run and like kick a ball and balance on the other foot. Yeah. Whoa. And that's a pretty cool skill. That's a pretty good skill. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't get there until a little later. The new sat phone is ridiculous. That's so silly. I never would have thought to test the well, but that is also crazy that like they just bought this and like, I don't know, I guess I'd be curious if there's like a bunch of lead or something in my water. Yeah, totally. It depends. Like it's like how old the well is also like, you know, again, there's a reason why people die less now than they used to die. I want to test my well. Well, I think it, I mean, if your well is not that old and it's been like maintained, it's probably not too bad, but also, I don't know. I have no idea. The water tastes good, but. Oh man. Well, water tastes so much better than city water. It's so like, it's in Northern Minnesota too. So it's just like fresh. Yeah. My parents grew up, we had a well growing up and it's like, when I go back there and I drink that, I'm like, oh, this is nice. This is good water. I know it doesn't have a lot of iron in it. Some wells do, but this is just crispy. Top comment on this one. No excuses, no explanations. Kids safety is first and a priority. And then, yeah, nah, your parents need to get their priorities straight. A three-year-old near a ravine with no phone coverage, that's not building character. That's just dangerous. Also them calling you a snowflake for basic child safety shows that they are more interested in being right than keeping your kid alive. A hundred percent. Also, there's an interesting thing with kids. Like you, uh, they, they say to whatever, there's also all sorts of different parenting theories, et cetera. Like if people have different ones than me, that's totally okay. Um, because I know people are very particular about their internet, uh, parenting theories, but they say for young kids, you kind of want to treat them like, let's say you're a primate and you have a, you know, baby gorilla or whatever it is. You want that baby gorilla to learn by doing. So if the grill is like, you know, on the couch at three at age three or whatever, they're playing on the couch and they're playing on the couch. They fall and they stub their toe. That's okay. And it's actually good because they'll learn like, Oh, if I fall in that certain way, I stubbed my toe. I don't want to do that anymore. So I'm going to take it a little bit more careful. It's like, there are some ways that you want them to play safely. Now what you don't want them to do is play in that way near a predator, like a lion or something. So I think that about that all the time. It's like, I do let him balance on a thing. That's like a couple feet up and, and try to learn it. Cause if he falls and he skins his knee, like that's okay. And he'll like, oh, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And he'll learn. Okay. I don't want to do that. But if he's going up five feet, if he fell and he got a concussion, it would be really bad. So I don't want him to take that big of a risk. And kids taking calculated risks is actually really good because he built their confidence, helps them learn. But this is like a, you know, boiling hot stove, a ravine stairs without a banister. That's you're near a lion and you're deciding to play near that. It's just not worth it. It's not worth it. And that's what a lot of the other comments pick up on too. Someone says not safe. They are not respecting your safety expectations for your child. Let them call you soft. At least you won't be mourning the loss of a child to a preventable death. People will want you to change your boundaries for their comfort. I would have reacted the exact same way. This would be different if the kid was 10, not three. And OP responds and is like, thank you. I really needed to hear that. I'd much rather deal with their drama than a tragedy. Totally. Oh my gosh. Cause how like horrible would it feel if it's like, oh yeah, he fell off the stairs thing and he like broke his arm and it's, it wouldn't matter to be like, oh yeah, your parents wanted to spend that day. It's like, I don't, you know. No, but it is like the calculated risk of it all. As you said, kids are going to fall. They're going to get stitches. They're going to break stuff. Ideally not, but Hey, it happens sometimes even in the best scenarios in the best scenarios. Yeah. So why create a horrible scenario where you're upping the percentage of risk? You're at a point where it's just too, too great of a risk. Yeah, completely. What's the point? It doesn't build character to fall off a ravine. That's not like, I'm just like, oh, I just envision it. I'm like, no, it's terrible. No, no, no. How do you feel about a prank? Oh, pranks are tough to get right. Cause I feel like it's like a razor's edge on this is mean slash cruel. I like a prank where there's almost no, um, like somebody gets startled suddenly. That's a good prank to me. Getting covered in sauce, of a fun prank okay well this This one is coming from r slash am i overreacting couple days old am i overreacting for breaking up with my girlfriend over a toilet plunger prank incredible okay this just happened two hours ago and i'm still fuming apparently on tiktok the toilet plunger prank has been trending it's where you ask your partner to help with a clogged toilet and instead you actually put nutella water and fart spray on a plunger and fling it on your partner oh my god still springing flinging fart spray though still pretty disgusting my girlfriend decided to do that prank on me and normally i can take a joke after she flung the toilet plunger contents on me including in my mouth i obviously died and went to hell but she showed me the video she was making and i was like okay it's just a prank you fine, whatever. But then I asked her if she bought a new toilet plunger to do this prank or if she at least washed it. But no, she took the regular fucking toilet plunger we had to do this prank. Y'all, I'm so fucking mad right now. She told me she's sorry and everything. She forgot to buy a new plunger for the prank. But what the fuck? That means I actually got fucking feces in my effing mouth. I'm so unbelievably angry. I told her I'm done with her and now she's pissed at me. Am I overreacting? We live together, so it's not going to be easy to just break up. Plus, telling all of our friends and family we broke up because of a toilet plunger prank feels so childish, but I feel so disrespected. This is tough because it's like, I don't think it's necessarily breakup worthy. That's such a big deal. They live together. That is like, it's going to be a lot to untangle them. Yeah. Although I also think that if this is the thing that's going to break you guys up, you are already going to break up. Like you should break up. You know what I mean? Like this is the canary in the coal mine of the poop spray getting in your mouth. It will lead to other things. So when I found this story, I went and watched the prank and I did. Giggle. I hate pranks too. Like I genuinely am not a prank lover, but like this was one where I'm like, okay, this is funny. It did not cross my mind though about people buying fresh plungers. Well, yeah, we're washing the plunge. You got to wash the plunger. Like I guess, but it's still a poop. It's yeah. It's pretty, if this happened to me, if I'm gonna put myself in this person's shoes, if this happened to me, I would be like, oh my gosh, this is something that my wife would do, by the way. Um, not, would not put her in a pastor at all. She'd be like, oh, isn't that funny? And I'd be like, did you watch the plunger? She'd be like, oh, that's what I'm saying. It'd just be like, it would slip your mind. I think it's, it doesn't seem like it was like she was trying to get poop in his mouth. Like she probably was just like, oh man. I think that's the thing. What, what her reaction is to this. If she's like, oh my God, you're totally right. That is disgusting. I'm really, really sorry. I thought it'd be fun. I didn't even think about it. Then it's like, well, people make mistakes. Like, I don't know. That's it's gross. Definitely. I'd be like, yuck, yuck, yuck. I want to vomit. But I think that to me, this is a, she thought that she would do a fun thing that he would laugh about afterwards. And she got poop particles in his mouth. That moment when we've all been there. Honestly, haven't you seen the thing? If you flush your toilet with the seat open and your toothbrushes out, there's poop particles on your toothbrush. Yeah. I pretty disturbing. Okay. I do. I hear that that's disturbing. I can't possibly be expected to worry about that. I know. I am a hypochondriac a little bit. And I'm so sorry for everyone out there listening. Like, I bring up stuff like, I see one study about arsenic in nerds. And then I like, I cause everyone to crash out. I'm like, but I saw this study. Like, I did see it. So I'm with you. I'm like, okay, I need, I need to like worry less and be less annoying. But I'm kind of in the same boat of like, it's a bad prank. Totally. I'm, I think you're feeling, are valid. I would feel disrespected too. It's something that probably didn't cross her mind and she's maybe dumb, but do you want to be with her or not? Like you saying, like, if you're going to break up over this, you were kind of looking for a reason or whatever you said. I was like, yeah, that kind of fits. I think that, yeah. If, if this is the, if a prank gone wrong is the thing that, you know, is going to make you break up, you kind of wanted to break up with this person. Like if it was, you were like, if it was true love, you'd probably be like, oh yeah, let's, uh, like work it out. Or like, I'm really mad. And she's not really forgiving me. Like, what should I do? But being like, I'm going to break up with you because you did this is like, okay, guy, like you clearly you had this kind of in your back pocket anyway. I know. Well, and there's no mention of how long they've been together either. Yeah. That's interesting. Let me see if I can find any comments from OP. The top comment on the post is just, I hate pranks. Yeah, that's it. They're brutal. They're just, they don't typically go well. I would say like more often than not, they don't go well. Have you ever done a prank? No, no, never. No one's. No, not like a mean one. The only thing I wouldn't even call it a prank. I, I liked a surprise. Like I like popping out. Like, so I flew home one time for mother's day and my mom didn't know I was coming and I like popped out. So I love a surprise, but not a prank. Yeah. Prank I think assumes like malintent. Like you want to pop out and harm somebody. I don't really do, I don't do pranks like that anymore. But when I was a kid, I was certainly like taping the squirt nozzle on the sink on April 1st day or whatever. So my dad would turn it on and go, and I would like be waiting upstairs and I would hear like, damn it, Miles. See, that's lighthearted enough where I'm down for it. Yeah. Did you see the Nutella poop kid prank? What is that? People would be in the bathroom and they're like, can you bring me toilet paper? Or I need help. And their kids are like, I'd say eight to three or four. And when they go to hand them the toilet paper roll or go to help them, they'll smear Nutella on them. So the kids think, oh my God, my parent just got poop on me. The kids lose their minds. That is not right. I don't think you should be pranking your kids. My son, oh God, he would be so upset. Like, yeah, just, I remember one time, like, yeah, I was like, like I have young kids. So it was like, I was using a wet wipe to wipe his face. And it's the same wet wipe we use to like wipe his bottom or whatever. And he was like, is there poop on the wipe? It's like, no, it's just the same type of wipe. But I was like, the idea of forcing that reaction, it would be, I, yeah, I would never. Well, and that's the thing too. It's like, you don't know how your kid's going to react. And if they genuinely get upset and are hurt or scared or whatever, then it's like, you just enjoyed terrorizing your child. That's true. You know, what's funny is like this type of thing is so, it's so common on the internet for people to like develop outrage of like, this is an immoral. And it's like, also like, I don't want to be purity testing the ways that people do funny little things. I mean, it's like, ultimately, are we all okay? Yeah, we're probably okay. I'm not seeing any comments from OP. Oh, wow. Did post this in a couple different places. Am I overreacting and AITA relationships? Is that common where somebody will kind of lock a post across the board? I've seen it. Yeah. Not that often, but typically, or if it gets removed from our slash relationships and they're like, okay, fine, let me go try another sub. Cause a lot of the subs will pull based on auto mods. So if like, if you don't have paragraph breaks pulled, like there's a lot of rules when you're posting, like even my sub, like I'll get messages and they'll be like, my post got removed. Why? And it's like silly stuff like that. Yeah. Character limit or whatever. Yeah, exactly. So I'm not seeing anything else. There's a post from them that came after this in our slash ask Reddit. Why are women who watch lesbian porn, not considered gay, but men who watch gay porn are considered gay. So this is the same guy. This is the same guy. So he's out there asking the big questions. Huh? Why are the, what was the question? Why are women who watch lesbian porn, not considered gay, but men who watch gay porn, are considered gay? I guess. I don't know. Yeah. There's, there's no fluidity being sort of mentioned there. I don't know. I don't know that I would consider, I guess. Who are you talking to your porn preferences about? Yeah. Who are you being like, yeah, that's a really good point. That's a really good point. It's just like, keep it private. By the way, everyone can do whatever they want. I'm kind of team. Just like, you don't have to like, you know, decide on a label. Yeah. One day you want to watch whatever you want to watch. Follow your heart, kids. I'm just like, also, even if you're watching straight porn, you're still seeing dick. Like, yeah, right. Like it's all, it's all out there. It's all out there. It's, it's all body parts getting wild. People are so weird. People, I think also like to like specify a box. Like this is, yeah, this is yeah. Gay porn for gay people. This is lesbian porn for lesbians. It's kind of just like, I don't know. Everyone has a little bit of fluidity to them. Yeah. I know. I was talking to Nadine Baba when she came on about this and she's like, I hate a label. And I do, I see her point where it's like, it does feel nice to be able to be like, okay, I have ADHD and I'm autistic. So like, I, I understand myself a little better because of that label. But I think if you're just putting people in boxes and that's the only box, then I think that's where it's like, no, we don't love a label. Well, it's, it's interesting. Like putting yourself in a box, I think for some people feels good. It feels like empowering if they haven't found the right box, but it's can feel, uh, complicated when you're like, well, I fit in this box. So therefore other people need to fit in this box. And then it's like, oh, well, no, you shouldn't do that. Cause then like you're popping other people maybe where they don't necessarily want to be. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So no other comments from OP on this one. Well, only other comment I see that I kind of like is someone that says pranks should confuse, don't abuse. Yeah, that's fair. It's like, you want somebody to be like, huh? But you don't want them to feel sad. Exactly. No. The poop. Yeah. This is, oh, something my wife would do. And it is really funny. Cause I just like, I think that she has done something in this world where she was like, miles, I can't do this because I like, yeah. What did she do? It was some viral prank and I smelled it immediately. It was not, I was like, I was literally like, I know that you're trying to like catch me on camera for some like TikTok or something. She was like, okay, fine. Like, you know, was it the flower prank? What's that? So the one I've seen that I also kind of like, and everyone's going to be like, you hate pranks, Morgan. I'm like, I know. I talk so much shit about a prank, but this one was, um, couples would put a bowl on the counter and they'd put like flour in it. And she'd be like, oh, I can't pick this up. It's so heavy. Like, babe, can you help me? And she'd be like, and then he'd come and be like, what? And he'd pick it up really fast. And the flower would like hit him. And I'm like, okay, that's just flour. It's not a big deal. Although I, again, I think it's like, if you're in a relationship, you want to leave, you'd be like, come on, I have work after this. Like you'd take it so personally that you would break up. You know, you want to leave the relationship. If I had like just gotten a fresh blow out and they knew it, or if I did my makeup and we're going to dinner and that's when that got pulled on me. No, I'd crash the fuck out. A hundred percent. I would. That's true. Cause you're like ruining that person's positive vibe. Like I'm feeling so good about myself. Boom. Like that would be, that would be brutal. I'd get sent. Oh man. So I don't know if you guys have any other good examples of pranks, like happy. Healthy ish pranks. Please drop them in the comments, but moving on to this next one. Breathe in now, breathe out. You feel that that's the calm of having into it. Credit karma in your corner. If you're trying to get your life together in this crazy world, credit karma is a great place to start with the money stuff. Your credit score isn't just a number. It can unlock better rates, more options and real savings. So whether you're moving, leasing a car, or if you're in a relationship, you're going to get a lot of credit karma. So if you're trying to get a lot of credit karma, you're going to get a lot of credit karma. So whether you're moving, leasing a car, or upgrading your cards, it feels good knowing your credit is working for you. When you start to feel like there's too much on your plate, you can count on credit karma for less craziness and more credit. Thanks to credit karma. I realized I missed some student loan payments. Thanks. Credit karma. This next one. This is a juicy one. Buckle up. Buckled in. Buckle up. Story number three for us here. Also coming from, am I overreacting? It's a couple hours old when I found it. Oh, fresh. I'm scared to refresh just in case it disappears. It's titled, am I overreacting for being upset that my fiance proposed with his late wife's engagement ring? Oh, that's so interesting. I'm 30 female and my fiance is 33 male. We've been together for about four years. He was married before me and has an eight-year-old daughter from that marriage. For some background, he and his late wife were basically childhood sweethearts. They grew up together. Their families were close. They went to the same college, got married young, and were together for several years before she unfortunately passed away while giving birth to their daughter. It was obviously devastating for everyone involved. And he ended up raising his daughter on his own until we met. I met him when his daughter was around four. And since then, we've built a life together. Overall, things have been good. I've always tried to respect the fact that he was widowed. I've never been able to respect him. I've never asked him to get rid of pictures, stop talking about her, or pretend like she didn't exist. She was an important part of his life and is an important part of his daughter's life. And I understand that. Last week, he proposed. I was honestly excited. We've been together for years, so I knew it was coming eventually. The proposal itself was sweet and the ring was beautiful. I said yes. We took pictures and posted them online. I posted a picture on Instagram. A day later, his former sister-in-law, who is his daughter's aunt, messaged me and asked if the ring I was wearing was her sister's engagement ring. Oh my god. It's so uncomfortable. I told her I didn't think so. Honestly, it hadn't even crossed my mind. I figured there was no way he would propose to me with the same ring he had given his late wife. Honestly, she got back to me after comparing old photos. Same setting, same diamond, same band, same everything. It was the exact same ring. At first, I thought maybe she was mistaken, so I asked my fiance directly. He admitted it. He told me that yes, it was the same ring, but he didn't see what the big deal was. He said it was a beautiful ring, it had sentimental value, and it didn't make sense to buy another ring. He said it was a beautiful ring, it had sentimental value, and it didn't make sense to buy another ring, and it didn't make sense to buy another ring. I told him that wasn't really the point. I explained that I wasn't upset because I wanted a more expensive ring or some giant diamond. Honestly, if money was the issue, I would have been perfectly happy with a cheaper ring. What bothered me was that he gave me the exact same ring he proposed to his late wife with and never told me. I told him that if he wanted to reuse the diamond and have it reset into a the exact same ring felt strange. Maybe this sounds irrational, but it made me feel like I was stepping into someone else's place instead of starting my own future with him. His response was that I was creating a problem where there wasn't one. At one point, I asked him if he planned on giving me her wedding ring too. His response was, probably, maybe. That honestly made me feel worse. I asked him why he was proposing. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would react like this. To me, that made the situation even worse because it felt like he knew this might bother me and chose not to tell me anyways. We ended up arguing, and I left the ring behind and went to stay with my mom for a few days. Since then, this has somehow turned into a family discussion involving my side of the family and his side of the family and even some of his late wife's family. My mom and sisters think my reaction is understandable. They all said the issue isn't the ring itself. The issue is that he reused such a personal item without discussing it with me first. His family feels differently. Some think I'm overreacting and being disrespectful to his late wife's memory. Others have said people pass jewelry down all the time and that a ring is just a ring. My fiance keeps saying that he loves me and isn't trying to replace anyone and that I'm just reading way too much into it. The thing is, I don't feel jealous of his late wife. I never have. What bothers me is that an engagement ring is supposed to represent our relationship. Instead, it feels like I'm wearing a symbol of theirs. I genuinely don't know if I'm making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be. So, am I overreacting? Oh man, there's so much there. It's so juicy. I don't even know where to begin. Where do you unpack this one? The first thing that my mind goes to is that he didn't tell her that it was the ring. And that is weird because it clearly meant so much to him. I almost feel like it should have been two separate events. The proposal, he gets down on one knee and he just holds her hand, no ring, says, will you marry me? Right? She goes like, oh my gosh, yes, absolutely. You know, and then they have this warm moment. They would do whatever. And then he's like, so I wanted to ask you, you know, I have this ring. It's obviously from my late wife, would you accept it? I know it's very beautiful. And maybe how do you feel about that? And then she could have that conversation. It's weird that he didn't think it would be a big deal at all. Or do you think that he did think it and was trying to sneak it in? I think that, I don't know, his excuse is so weird where it's like, I already have the ring. Why would I get another one? It's like, that ring was a symbol of your love for her. And I think OP honestly sounds like the dream like we have stepmom horror story after horror story on the show. And this woman sounds like she's so in tune and self-aware and healthy and don't take pictures down. Talk about her as much as you want. Yeah. Like I get along with her family even like this is ideal. And so for you to just not care enough or respect her and your relationship enough to get her her own ring. I'm like you don't even see me but you like the shoes i fill yeah that's so interesting i almost feel like they clearly want to get married it's just as about the ring that is used right because i you know like the shoes to fill like i have you know had lots of tragedy in my life and i kind of think that when there's tragedy i've always wondered about the situation like what happens if you meet i have a couple friends who are like their loved one uh you know their partner passes away and then they go on to date other people but it is sort of like that person always will be with them absolutely you know and so it's a it's a it's definitely an awkward situation because like he did have this whole life with this other woman and they had a kid together and all this stuff and like what a tragedy in some ways you have to kind of have that be a part of your relationship because it is too big of his identity to not you know and you have to be comfortable with that like that's who he is you know if you have a tragedy like that it just is ingrained in you so much now that doesn't mean that he can't communicate hey like i have this ring and whatever and be on his side i feel like she's been super understanding he has to now be understanding absolutely you know i don't think it's relationship ending as long as he comes to terms with it and starts to see her side totally but if he's if he's gonna stick his foot and like this is the hill he's gonna die on why then you know and i'm like okay you know he's in pain this is probably a big step for him there's a lot to unpack there but at the same time you're the one that proposed kind of signaling you're ready for it she's not into the ring okay get her a ring she's into and move forward be on the same page correct i think it's like what what they both need to do is have a conversation where they're like look i know this has kind of gotten out of hand i don't know why her family is chiming in that feels way too much like the late waves the late wife's family yeah i feel like i get that they might be sensitive about it but i also am kind of like this is not their thing their arena i wonder in what way they're jumping in because my first thought when i read this and i'm really weird about heirloom items oh yeah like i will go to bat for people getting their heirlooms i'm like this is what's important because in my head i was i was kind of like it's it's inappropriate to give her the ring that should actually go to the daughter that's also what i was thinking i think that they should save that and then the daughter can inherit that and it's like a beautiful piece of her mom yeah that feels way more appropriate and then i was like pissed i'm like change the setting melt it down i'm like you better fucking not i'm like that again like it was inappropriate for him to even use that ring when you have a daughter even if you had a son yeah give it to your son propose with this ring this is a piece of your mom like it's not necessarily that's like where i was just like oh i'm so mad i'm just like so if they're coming in and they're like you know that should go to you know your daughter that should go to lisa then i'm like okay i get why they're coming in trying to be lisa's advocate she's only eight she's probably not even thinking about her engagement ring but they might be they're adults they understand the full scope of this but i am curious i'll see if there's any comments from op on that yeah no you're totally right though yeah it's like yes they might be chiming in just to be like the ring should go to uh the daughter because that makes a ton of sense yeah but i also think this is solved by maybe both of them taking a deep breath this is solved like most arguments should be solved where you take a deep breath and you say hey i love you i want to get married let's just find a new ring and then that's kind of it i don't think it needs to end the relationship that feels like a waste but i don't know we don't have any comments from op no updates the only one proving that this is a real person is there's an auto moderator on am i overreacting it says in order to prevent spam and bot posts the subreddit temporarily removes post until op proves they're human please reply to this comment and answer the question if you could have any superpower what would you choose op responds and said i would choose to teleport that is all we have they would teleport and that's all we know yeah i think this is i guess maybe just a doofy like the guy is being doofy if he really is that unaware i there are people like this that are just totally like well i had a ring so i don't know like that i guess it's yeah it's just jewelry like maybe he's really that unsentimental he has to be pretty thick to not really realize that but maybe he is you know like he could be and that is a problem but it's not the problem that she thinks is happening no and otherwise relationship seems great like there's no mention of like there being other straws so if he can get on board like and kind of see and just move past this and not let his ego and pride and whatever else get in the way then i think you know you'll be good moving forward but in this moment i don't think you're overreacting yeah you know what's interesting this reminds me of uh you know patton oswalt the comedian yes his wife michelle mcnamara exactly she like literally solved the golden state yes murders exactly and then uh she passed away very like unexpectedly and patton oswalt had a daughter and uh patton oswalt remarried to this woman and they made this post and it was basically about i think he talked about on a podcast where he was like and she talked about it how she was like you know michelle will always be a part of our family like like i being like like we have found love in this but it's like it was a really big consideration to be like like i know that you lost your wife and she's the mother to your child that i am like here to support that as well because how could you not like how could it's like it would be too painful to try to wipe it away and be like all right we're a new happy family and not talk about this person celebrate this person know that you're stepping into a family that has this tragedy as a part of it you know it's insane that a lot of people can't do that yeah what's a hard it's almost like the when you say right key wrong hole it's like in order to step into a family like that you have to be the right person to be the right person to be the right person that's ready to accept it which is a big it's a big thing to it is it isn't it like it isn't i yeah that's true i'm actually shocked and i feel like op putting this in there is because of how often this comes up on reddit and people being threatened and jealous of a deceased partner oh that happens a lot all the time yeah it's interesting i have a guy who wrote in a while ago on an app and he basically was like my new fiancee threw away all of our old home videos of my my late wife oh that's so destroying every memory for their kid it's just like you got to be done like who would be threatened by a ghost but yet people are and it's but that is like it's insecurity it's just someone feeling not confident in their self because if you're because realistically it's like what are you jealous of that your partner had found love before you and that's like but that's everybody like even you know life that's life like everyone contains multitudes it's you can't control your past no that retroactive jealousy of it all and you know it's a big thing that i don't know i've seen it come up a lot yeah but at the same time then know that about yourself and find someone who doesn't have that history yeah for sure there you go it's also like i guess a lot of people because jealousy was such a bigger part of my life when i was a really young person and then it's like you know uh yeah i met my wife and it's like oh yeah this is just the the person that like i'm supposed to be with and therefore oh yeah whatever i mean my wife like definitely dated around with lots of people before we met each other but there's something about it it's like oh well that's why i met her because we were out dating and it led me here it led me here perfect yeah like i think that there's such a security in that that i think a lot of people don't feel which uh you know is a bummer i know top comment also picks up on this one picks up on the he should have saved his deceased wife's ring for their daughter next comment down exactly this it clearly bothers his late wife's sister or she would not have said anything not overreacting this is weird and would make me uncomfortable his actions feel disrespectful of his late wife not yours yeah i think that's true yeah it's like by just passing the ring it's not only disrespecting the new woman it's disrespecting the deceased wife because yeah it's like the memory of her and it's like oh wow you just gave my ring to somebody else i know and i think it just puts things down the road maybe in an awkward position of like the daughter has to go and ask and be like can i have my mom's ring yeah it like pits the daughter against yeah it puts a replacement thing yeah and some people wouldn't care you know maybe the daughter doesn't want that ring maybe she won't like that style whatever but at least give her the option yeah like but versus like changing it or melting it down or oh i would just be heartbroken and i would just be like oh my god i don't want that ring i don't want that ring broken that's like my mom's a big jewelry person so like all of her jewelry is going to me oh wow nice so i'm just like this i'd be devastated yeah because there's such a history in in jewelry i yeah my my youngest uh son my parents found like it was like some pinky ring from my great grandfather and i was like oh my god this is so cool like a signet yeah what a unique piece of jewelry that like you know when i'm not that big of a jewelry person but i thought it was so cool yeah i'm i'm so sentimental about jewelry and just any heirlooms like heirlooms should be passed down a certain way yeah and that's kind of what some other comments pick up on too jewelry is handed down within a family but if it was her ring and you are not her family it should go to her daughter when she comes of age i think your feelings are understandable period but the fact he knew you would have feelings about it and didn't tell you is the biggest issue yeah and that is true him being like i knew you'd have a problem about it then why did you still choose to do it oh is that what he said yeah yeah that's crazy i kind of like forgot that i totally forgot that that's such a problem to be like yeah i figured you'd be annoyed about it it's such a weird okay well if you had that premonition then why did you do it yeah there's a lot of people in the comments also sharing my mom died and i got her ring i would be very upset if this happened instead same my mom passed when i was grown but i am now wearing her ring and if my dad had moved on and proposed to someone else with it i would be very unhappy you It kind of feels like he just didn't think. Like, I do think this is giving that he didn't think about it at all. Or thought about it and was like, well, whatever. It's not a big deal. I just don't want to have to get another ring and we'll just do it. And it'll be fine. And then clearly it wasn't because he should have thought about it more. Seriously. And it's like, it is a big gesture. Yeah. It's a big sentimental thing. And now your whole proposal is soured because of this. That sucks. To have it be all wrapped up in this. You think it's going to be a big piece of your story. And now it's just this awkward thing that every time you mention it, it is about this fight. Yeah, it sucks. Dude. I need an update on this one. We don't have one yet. Upon refresh, it is now a day old. So I'm going to follow. I'll make sure I keep my eyes peeled on OP's account. I'll send her a message. I'll do it all, guys. Don't worry. But that's all we got right now. That is wild. Yeah. What a juicy little thing. Do you have an iconic proposal story? Mine was pretty good. Yeah. He proposed in my hometown in Duluth. And I kind of knew it was coming because everyone was acting super weird. And like everyone was lying to me. And then I just like started feeling crazy. But you were gaslit. I was so bad. I was like literally bawling about it. I was like, why is everyone lying to me? No way. Yeah. But he proposed. He proposed at the place I agreed to be his girlfriend. Oh. And it's this beautiful hotel in Duluth that overlooks the water. And so he brought me out on this like balcony with flowers and candles and all this stuff. And I didn't know it, but all of our family and friends were behind us on a higher balcony that overlooked it. Oh, that's so cute. So he proposed. I said yes. And then everyone started screaming. I was like, what? Oh, that's amazing. It was really cool. And so then we went and like celebrated. We went out after and got dinner with everyone. But the week before we were in Paris and we were out at Versailles, just the two of us. Like we, I don't know how I think they missed us on their security sweep or something. Literally the only two people on the grounds of Versailles. Yeah. And like we set up a camera and like walked out. And that's when I thought it was going to happen. Yeah, right. And because everyone was messaging me. They're like, you're in Paris. Is he going to propose? Like, and I'm like, here it comes. Like here it comes. Here it comes. And then just a regular photo. Just a regular photo. I'm like, fuck. But I'm like, it was still, it was beautiful. Yeah, that's, that's awesome. To have everyone there is so great. How about you? We were, it was December 2021. Okay. Or no, December 2020. And then I got married in 2021. So it was like, we were living together and, but it was like sort of COVID like pandemic coming and going and stuff. And we, I got the ring, me and my wife and her best friend. All live together. And, uh, she's, her best friend is like my sister at this point, you know, we got extremely close and they're still very close. And, uh, it was Christmas. So it was just us in the house. And I was like, we should get dressed up for a, a Christmas photo shoot, which doesn't exist. And she was like, okay, whatever. So he got all dressed up. And then I had, uh, her friend text her and be like, Hey, there's a bunch of packages on my porch. Can you go get? Them off the porch. Cause they're like technology or whatever. And she was like, okay, I guess she's all under dressed up. She leaves and actually cut to from this morning, that morning, she was opening all her presents and she thought I was going to like give her a ring. And she was like a little bit grumpy that morning. So she was like, no, it's just like, it's fine. Like nothing's wrong. Like, but she was grumpy. How long had you been together at that point? Oh, uh, we've been together for probably three years. Okay. 2018. So then anyway, so like, yeah, she was like a little grumpy that morning, whatever. She went to go, cause she's like, well, where's the fucking ring? It's about time. It's about time. Come on. And, um, yeah, me and her best friend had picked the ring out and stuff. And, uh, so she went to go do that. And while she did that, I like put up string lights all over our house. And then it like, it got, it got dark just as he came back. And then, uh, I was like down our long hallway, I'd like put string lights. So it was all like illuminating and whatever. And she came to her bedroom and we filmed it. And I was like, I, it's too vulnerable to watch. I tried to watch at one point. I'm like too vulnerable. I cannot watch. This is like way too. It just cringed. It just cringed at yourself? Yeah. But her, and we're both like, you know, whatever, crying, being like, here's this. But her best friend watched it and was like, yeah, she's the only person who's seen it. It'll be amazing to have for your kids. Like they'll want to see it. And I, um, I fully posted mine online. I'm just bawling. And then I'm like, fuck you guys. Cause this episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels good. That feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go-to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve. And I've never, never been complimented more. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a summer trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it. Go to revolve.com slash THT to shop our faves and use code THT for 15% off your first order. Shipping, easy returns. It just makes everything easier. That's revolve.com slash THT. You can shop our faves and get 15% off your first order. Offer available for a limited time. So don't miss out. This episode is brought to you by Talkiatry. When your mental health is suffering, finding the right treatment can be overwhelming. That's where Talkiatry comes in. Talkiatry is an online psychiatry practice with licensed psychiatrists who can evaluate, diagnose, and treat patients. And provide ongoing medication management when appropriate. They accept major insurers, can treat anxiety, ADHD, depression, and more. And you can schedule your first visit in days, not months. Go to talkiatry.com slash hot takes to get matched in minutes. That's T-A-L-K-I-A-T-R-Y dot com slash hot takes. Talkiatry.com slash hot takes. I think everyone up there had been lying to me all day. So, yeah. But this. This is the, like, sort of the thing is, imagine, like, these beautiful stories, and then you're like, and then right after we got into a world-ending fight about a deceased. It's, like, so sad. It is. Yeah. It is, and it's just, like, it could have easily been avoided. I know. Brutal. Absolutely brutal. So is this next one. Here we go. This is coming from r slash relationship advice, titled, How Can I, 25 Female, Get My Boyfriend, 23 Male? To Stop Suffering Maxing. Suffering Maxing? Suffering Maxing. That is insane. How can I get my boyfriend to stop suffering maxing? Huh. Okay. Hi, everyone. I know the title is a little weird, but hear me out. My boyfriend, 23 male, really hates spending money on himself and then complains about it. It makes no sense. He earns six figures, has no debt or loans, and virtually no cost of living. He lives in a flat his parents bought him. Here's a few examples to explain what I mean. He often complains about how his colleagues are so well-dressed and polished, but he still wears the clothes his mom got him when he was 16 that are mostly too small or have holes. He refuses to go shopping for new stuff because he doesn't know what to get, and then gets completely enraged when I point out nice outfits that would suit him well or offer to buy him clothes. He uses his dad's tossed-out perfume and complains about how it smells, but also refuses to buy himself one that he actually likes. Same goes for food. He only eats fruits and vegetables when I buy them and says how much he loves it, but when he's alone, he lives off of dry noodles, plain yogurt, and bread. He even eats moldy and expired food just so it doesn't get thrown out. When I dispose of expired stuff, he throws a fit. He once fed me five-month-old eggs without my knowledge, resulting in a trip to the ER. He complains about his haircut not suiting him, but refuses to go get a better barber because it's $10 more. He complains about his acne, but won't get the prescription his derm prescribed him. He complains about being skinny, but now that he's built a bit of muscle, he's whining about how he doesn't want his shoulders to get broader because then he'd have to get new clothes. He complains about having to take cold showers, but literally nobody but himself is holding him back. from letting it warm up a little bit before hopping in. His suffering maxing is so bad, it kind of started to imprint on me. I feel bad for replacing my shoes when they have holes. I feel guilty for showering with warm water and having a smoothie every morning instead of stale bread with nothing. It's really starting to piss me off and I really need help understanding what causes this and how I can gently encourage him to get things he likes, live a little, and embrace growth. Are there any men here who have been like this and have successfully overcome it? Oh my god. Okay, so break up. I feel like this is a bad relationship. All of the things that this person wrote out are nightmarish and it feels like it's also the thing of like, if you loved this person, you would love this person. You would find some of these charming and they all sound horrible. I don't think I would find any of these charming no matter how much I loved this person. I'm like, how have you not gotten the ick yet? I mean, yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Like, it feels like if you're this lasered in on all the things you find annoying about your partner, you should not be with them. What is keeping you there? Yeah, what's keep, there's no redeeming qualities. What's keeping you there actually? Suffering maxing, this person is a dud. This person is a dud. I am very empathetic. It's the idea that like people can be in a rut, but I think that if you are like lasered in being like, they complain about their hair, they complain about the food, they eat moldy food, they put somebody in the ER. If you're listing it all out like that, you're not in a position to help them with any of it, sort of. Like, because even if you're just writing into Reddit about all of it, it's like you've already illuminated that this relationship is not going to be the one that like pulls them out of the rut. Now, that being said, I feel like all of these things are because this person is unhappy with themself. Yes, like complaining can be very addictive and getting into this habit of like, oh, I don't want to do this. I don't want to better my life, whatever. I've definitely been in positions, never this bad, but I've been in positions where I'm like, okay, like I'm just sort of unhappy with my life. I need to change something. I don't really know how. I'm totally empathetic to that, but I kind of think that this person is maybe not the right person to do it with them. Yeah. You know? I agree. I mean, he's 23, still pretty young. I think maybe some therapy could help, but it's interesting because I think a lot of people struggle with like being overly frugal or, you know, finances are really tough for a lot of people right now, but it doesn't sound like he's come from that background of like, oh, I have this scarcity mindset because my family really struggled or whatever. So it also just like doesn't really make that much sense considering his parents. Yeah, I mean, I think that's one of the things that I think is really important. I mean, I think that's one of the things that I think is really important. I think that's one of the things that I think is really important. So he doesn't really have expenses. Like, what are we saving all this money for? Like, you can afford to not eat stale food. It's better for you. Like, why are you putting yourself through this? Like, what is going on? Wait, so I actually didn't get at all that this was because entirely because of frugality. Is this all, like, I get the clothing and stuff like that, but the food too, I guess the idea is that he doesn't want to spend money on food. That's kind of what I'm getting. Yeah, that's, I think, maybe what the OP is getting at too. I just sort of missed it because I'm like, if that's the issue, you actually don't need to spend a ton of money to get food that is good for you. That's exactly what I'm saying. Like, there's people that, there's one content creator, I'm forgetting her name, but she literally goes to, like, the Dollar Tree and makes, like, Oh, an incredible content creator. Oh my God, what is her name? And she does, like, Thanksgiving dinner for $20. Yeah, she's an angel. She's like, basically, we'll do, yeah, Thanksgiving dinner for at the dollar store for $15. And she buys things. Yeah. And is able to, like, you know, buy bread and then use it as breadcrumbs and create a dough out of it and make, like, a little dessert thing. It's, like, truly incredible. It's incredible. Yeah, she's amazing. Is it literally the Dollar Tree dinner? Is that the YouTube? Dollar Tree dinners? Yeah, maybe it is. I'm not sure. Yeah. No, yeah, you can definitely do that. But even, like, he has, it seems like he has a good job. Like, he makes six figures, whatever. I think that he also just, he needs a code. He needs a life philosophy. He needs the grind set. And we have to give him the grind set without radicalizing him into sort of a, you know, bad, evil villain. Yeah. I just think this isn't your person. No. And this would drive me nuts. I mean, if it's rubbing off on you so much to the point you have holes in your shoes. Yeah, that's crazy. And you feel bad about getting new shoes, like, that's also not healthy for you. Yeah. Also, I find that this is one of those things that is not about money, but it would be easy for him to say it is about money. Like you can keep your life together and buy, have clean clothes and keep yourself tidy and, and like take care of yourself in a way where you're not spending money. I think it's more about the philosophy of like, you know, gratitude and stuff like that. And I only say this because it sounds like he has a stable job that does pay him a good amount of money. If it was like he's financially struggling and that's affecting his mental health and all this other stuff is falling out by the wayside. I think that's different, totally different. But in this case, he has a good job. He lives with his girlfriend. He has the means to do all of this stuff, but I think he's choosing not to. And it sort of is the thing of the way you treat, you know, yourself in all of those ways is the way you feel about yourself. He doesn't feel good about himself. So he's eating like garbage. He's complaining about getting in the cold shower. Cause he doesn't feel like he deserves a hot shower. Like all of it might be subconscious, but I do think that it can be fixed with just a level of like, okay, I deserve to be here and I'm feeling grateful about myself. I think therapy is really the only solution that he needs, you know? No, the more you point it out too, it does feel like it's like just torturing himself. The cold shower thing, especially because it's like, how much extra money is it going to be to wait a few minutes to let your water heat up? No, it's not, it's not, it's not negligible. Totally negligible. 25 cents a dollar. Yeah. Just like some mild comfort. Like it does feel like it's, he just wants to suffer. Kind of. And I do think OP calling it suffering maxing, cause I know looks maxing is like a thing. I, I do agree. And people kind of are disagreeing. Someone says, I mean, it doesn't sound like suffering maxing as much as just being stingy. Is there anything he spends money on? Are you paying for all of your dates from your post? It just sounds like he has an aversion to spending his money on something. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't his own money and moans until you spend your own on him. See the fruits and veggies thing. OP does respond. Okay. That puts some things into perspective. I always thought he must be suffering because he complains a lot. He takes me on a date for my birthday and we don't really go on dates that cost money apart from that. On the rare occasion that we do, we split the bill or I pay for it all when he otherwise refuses to join me. Okay. This is like, yeah, I, one, I think this is not the relationship. So my main piece of advice is breakup. Breakup. But definitely breakup. My sub piece of advice, if breakup is not available, choose option B, which is that creativity can get you around like the frugal thing. Like if you're like, we don't go on dates or whatever, by the way, go for a walk to a store, buy a loaf of French bread and go to the parking. Eat it with each other. It will cost you $3 and it will be gorgeous. Be outside, be the Nate. Like I do think that using a little bit of creativity, even if it's like, okay, his shoes are have holes or whatever. It's like, okay, let's like save up a tiny amount of money and get you a new outfit or just like create a budget for like, we're going to buy an outfit and we're going to save money in this other way. Buy frozen fruits and vegetables. They're way cheaper. And usually they're more fresh than the fruits and vegetables you buy in the fresh section. That's crazy. There's lots of ways to do stuff that, uh, is just a little bit creative, but I don't even think that's the issue. I really think he is just trying to punish himself. I know people that sort of refuse to allow themselves to like be okay because they feel bad about themselves. Like I think that's what it is. The more you say it, I'm like, Miles, I a hundred percent agree. Yeah. That's gotta be it. It's just the idea of being like, yeah, I got the promotion, but it's like way more work. And it's just, and it's like, well, wait, hang on. Like we skipped over the part where you get to be like, yeah, I got the promotion, you know? And so many people live their life that way. I can't possibly, you know, imagine how they do, but they do. No, I, you said something else too, where you said complaining is like addictive completely. Yeah. And it's so true. I've fallen into this. I've literally been where it's like, I'm just overly negative and I'm complaining a lot and I'm venting. But like a friend was like every time. We talk, it's negative. And I'm just like, okay, okay. We're going to shift that. And once you start realizing and it becomes apparent, then you're like, okay, like I do need to be more positive. I need to practice gratitude because the more I think negatively, the more I complain, I'm building that in my brain. Like that pathway is getting stronger and it's just, that's default. That's easy. So I do think there's a bigger thing going on here with him, his mental health. And I don't think you can necessarily address this. He's got to be willing to address it within himself. Totally. Yeah. Misery loves company. And I think that's true with like, if you are like, I feel like I've been in relationships in the past where I was like, oh yeah, that person is negative. And I'm like, I'm becoming a little negative and we're sort of negative together and complaining about everything and everything. And it's like, oh, this is horrible. can fall into friendships like that. Like I was doing it with that person because they were doing it with me. Right. Exactly. And they were complaining about their work. So then I would complain about me and being stressed and burnt out. And then somehow we got lost in the sauce and it just didn't work anymore. And so we addressed it. Totally. It is easy to fall into that. But OK, now how do we get out of it? And OP does have another comment here, too, that he does have a bachelor's degree in finance and econ and he reads many books on finance. So he has good financial literacy. I know. I do know. I know rich people that are like this. And I think it comes from an upbringing thing. Like maybe they just were raised to be like, don't spend any money and like a fear thing. But you got to if you have the means, you have to relax it a little bit. Have you seen those couples that like share floss? That's disgusting. Why save money? There's like a show. It was like another version, not extreme couponers, but like kind of like a cost saving thing. And I think that's a good thing. I think that's a good thing. Yeah. And they like did something weird with the deodorant and would share floss and like reuse it multiple days. Oh, my God. That's so disgusting. It is the thing again. Like I feel like I've seen a bunch of tick tocks recently because, by the way, everything is crazy expensive, like a huge empathy for anybody that is like I'm financially struggling, fucking deodorants, nine dollars, like 100 percent empathy to that. Yeah. I think laid off. Yeah. No, it's terrible. It's like it's like there's all these great accounts like the Dollar Tree one or I saw another one where it was this guy being like, I'm going to make like, you know, he makes like salsa and like one of the and like, you know, chips and enchiladas or something like that. And he's like, here's actually like I'm going to spend ten dollars. Here's exactly where it goes. I love that. And it was really cool. And I think there are again, it's like if you use creativity and try to remain a little bit grateful, like you can do things that feel like luxury, like, wow, I made this beautiful home cooked meal that has vegetables that has whatever. And it doesn't cost that much. But it feels when you're in that negative headspace, it feels like you can't. You're like, wow, I want food and food is fucking thirty dollars and I don't have it. So you then like it's easy to fall into this cycle where you are mad at yourself and you treat yourself poorly. I think that's what it is. Yeah. I hope we get an update on this one. She's brutes. Break up. Break up. Hmm. OK, I'm giving you a choice on this. OK. They are both from the two hot takes subreddit. Well, but you only get one. OK. Option one. My fiance wants me to adopt his weird bathroom habit. OK. Or option two. Husband can't finish unless he watches porn or my friend's Instagram posts. Oh, oh, my God. That's OK. The second one is so disgusting, but I do feel like I need to know more. Like that. But that like dynamic is so fucking weird. But I I'm fascinated. Here we go. Oh, I 20 female and my husband, 23 male, got married six months ago. But we've been together five years. I was 15 and he was 17. And we grew up together and were friends for years before this. I moved into the house he bought when I went to college after I graduated high school. We've been struggling with intimacy lately and I need advice. Edit. He does all the financials other than I sent him 300 to 400 a month for rent and my phone bill out of the 550 my parents give me during the school year. I work two part time jobs while going to university full time. Our monthly bills are around 2000 and I am paying some of my student loans off while in college. Yes. Now that we're married, I would get half the house if we divorced. But collectively, we're in almost 300000 debt from both of our schools, cars and the house. His sister and her two toddlers also live with us. But up until three months ago, when I brought it up, she was living with us rent free for almost 10 months. But I'm expected to pay 300 to 400 a month. Whenever I lived with my parents, we never really had sex in a bed. It was in a car or quickies when we could. Now that we live together and are older, we don't have spontaneous sex at all. I use toys when we have sex because it's the only way I can finish. He gets annoyed that I use the toys every time, but it feels better to me that way. In the last eight months or so, we would watch porn while having sex. In the beginning, I would watch porn while having sex. I would watch porn while having sex. In the beginning of the relationship, I told him I don't like watching it. But even though I told him that he never stopped. I've asked several times over the years. So I figured if you're not going to stop, I'll join you. Fast forward to the last four months. When dirty talking, he always talks about bringing another girl. His body count is seven. Mine is one. Whenever I talk about bringing another guy, he gets upset if I say much. But then he talks about bringing another girl and I pick someone. Not a famous person, but one of my friends. No, no, no, no, no, no. At first I was like, okay, whatever. But as times went on, he asked me to pick a girl to finish to four times in a row. So obviously I'm like, oh, I'm not good enough for him to finish to. With the combo of that and me gaining some weight since we've moved in together, I'm very self-conscious. We've never had sex with the light on anymore. And nine times out of 10, he watches porn while we have sex and must finish to it. I've told him several times. I don't like him bringing up other girls, especially my best friends. It's weird to me. And something that's actually obtainable, unlike a porn star. He still does it occasionally, but less often than in the beginning. For reference, we usually have sex minimum one time a week, but sometimes two to three. The longest we've ever went without sex was three weeks because I had a cyst on my ovary and had to get it removed. I had to get it removed because I had a cyst on my ovary and had to get it removed. Before our wedding, that way we could even have sex on our honeymoon. Other than that three-week period, it's at least once a week. What do I do? He doesn't stop when I tell him I don't like something. And knowing he's never stopped watching porn when we were younger makes me wonder if he finishes to my friend's Instagrams behind my back. Oh my God. That's okay. There are so many problems. It's almost like, where do we even begin? It's like a problem buffet, Morgan. Problem buffet. It's an all-you-can-eat problem buffet. Okay. I just want to say preface. First of all, sex is a sensitive topic. So if you've got adverse opinions to what I'm about to say, that's fine. I don't hold any, whatever. But I do think that there is a better way. I just feel like it's specifically with when she's like, I asked him to stop certain things and he doesn't. No, no, no, that is like such a big red flag to me. But also I think, you know, lots of different people have lots of different types of sex. And I think that's great. By the way, her saying like, you know, I use toys in the bedroom. That's super common, but it's like, you're also 20, you're 20. Like, I feel like that's what it takes for a lot of people to even figure out how to get off. A hundred percent. I feel like there's a, it's a, there's a super low percentage of women that, uh, can orgasm without, uh, like external simulation. So it's like, that is like, it's annoying that he is, shameful of that or like, doesn't believe in it. That's some weird male ego thing when he just needs to fucking do the research and be like, Hey, actually, statistically, this is like super common, very normal way for, uh, women who achieve orgasm. The other thing is that I think he is, I'm going to fucking do a read here. He's a 22 year old male, 23. He's a 23 year old male. He can only come by watching porn during sex. He's watching porn. Not when you're having sex, and watching too much of it nonstop, nonstop porn addiction. Totally guaranteed the idea that he has to bring in the imaginary and the, like the dopamine receptor receptor thing. He's hooked up to a clockwork, clockwork, orange porn machine. And I think that that is like, you know, unfortunately just if you have to bring it in like that, like, you know, and again, lots of people, I'm sure that there's lots of couples out there that are like, we like watching porn together and that's a part of our relationship. And I think that's fine, but that doesn't seem to be what's going on here. She doesn't like doing it. She's asked him to, you know, not do it a couple of times. And I think that it's frustrating to her that there's, he's still watching it. I also don't understand how he is watching it. And she's like, can you please stop? How is that? I'm literally envisioning like doggy style and a computers up on the bed to the right. Like that's what I'm envisioning. Like this is, there's a computer, a laptop and iPad next to them at all times. And this is how he's engaging. And it's like, that's so that, that bums me out so hard. It's just, you're at a point and no is a full sentence. You don't have to compromise and do things you don't want to do to appease your partner, especially sexually. Like you said, I didn't, I didn't like watching this porn, but like, if you can't beat them, join them, or if he's not going to stop, join them, whatever you said, like you shouldn't have to do that at all. I think you're sexually incompatible. I think you're 20. I think you got married very, young divorce. I wish I could, I wish I could say breakup. Cause that's obviously a lot easier. I think debt, it doesn't matter about the debt. Like you'll deal with the debt. It fucking sucks. You have that much as someone with 200 K of student loans. I get it. I'm trying to pay it down. The interest is just, it's, it's a bitch. It sucks, but this is not worth staying because I think at the bottom line, he doesn't really respect you a hundred percent. And love is about respect, especially in the most vulnerable, intimate moments, of it. Yeah. It's like also good, meaningful sex means that everyone feels good and respected the whole time. Right. And I think that's kind of the bare minimum, even by the way, even if you want to be disrespected, you got to feel respected to be disrespected in like a playful way. Yeah. Safe words and whatever it looks like. Totally. Like, even if that's what's in it for you, I just think that inherently this is like, if something about this is ringing, like, you know, uh, uncomfortable or like, Hey, I asked him not to do this. I'm just kind of, I guess I'm just picking up the scraps of he's going to watch it. The Instagram stories thing feels like it was tacked on at the end. Yeah. Well, I think it's because he keeps being like, what friend of yours should we bring in? Yeah. That is so weird to me. The minute you start talking about my friends when I'm naked with you, even just like, and this is like a small thing. And like, again, everyone, I'm giving a lot of caveats because I don't want people to be like, Miles said this, but yeah, there's a lot of nuance. I think that even just the idea that she's like, it's lights off all the time now. And she's feeling a little bit insecure about our body. If he is not gassing you up and making you feel super excited about all of this, making you feel like, Hey, like I'm really excited to do this. And you're so beautiful, whatever it, that is also bare minimum to me. Like your partner should be, you should feel more secure around your partner. You know, they should be gassing you up to feel good about yourself always, especially in times when you're like doing something very intimate. Uh, so I think that that just really brings bad to me. Yeah, absolutely. That's like something I said in my vows. I was like, Justin, my partner is like the first person that I've ever been with that has made me feel beautiful, safe in every way, every vulnerable moment. Like I feel so good and respected. And it's like, that's how you should feel. That's like, that is love. And so if you're not there after this many years with this person and trying, and now, you know, it's, I get it. You went from your parents' house to now you guys have your own place. That's a big transition. You've been trying to figure each other out, but it's clearly not working and there's no respect there to develop it forward. Totally. He what? Are you asking us for advice on where to find a divorce lawyer or a good psychologist? Because that's the only thing we can offer you. A hundred percent. 7k upvotes. Someone responds to it and goes, right. What's that line? Don't involve us unless you're going to leave him or something like that. If she starts to defend him, I'm out. And someone responds back and they say, she's never had another relationship. She has no comparison. Oh yeah. This is, it also rings of like, well, I guess this is what relationships are like. No, no, no, no. There is such a, there is a better way. There's a better person out there for you. That's going to respect you more there. I feel like this is a common thing with right out. You just see people being like, well, this is how relationships are. Right. And they're in like the most nightmarish, like, super villain relationship. And it's like, no, there's, there's so much out there. Like there's so many people out there and this person's so young. Like if you're married and I, obviously it is logistically very difficult that you're married. And I hear that it will only get more difficult as you stay in this relationship. And if you're gonna get a divorce, do it now. And then that way you have the rest of your life to rebuild into whatever it's going to be, but don't like cling to the, you know, tattered shreds of this in the hopes that it will get better. Cause it just. It just seems like it's not the right thing. Why are you suffer maxing? Suffer maxing. Hello. Don't suffer max. And like the prime of your life, 20, literally get divorced, go move on campus, go make friends and date and figure out what is out there. Because I look at it and I thought this about every single boyfriend, every single boyfriend from the very first one, my 14 year old high school boyfriend. I thought I was going to marry him. My 17 year old high school boyfriend. 19 year old high school, college boyfriend thought I was going to marry him. It's like, if I would have married any of those people, I would be miserable. Yeah. And I would be with someone that literally cheated on me and had another kid. Like, it just like, I look at that and it's like, but that's what I thought love was at that time. And not everyone gets lucky and marries their high school sweetheart. And it's totally perfect. It can happen, but the proof is in the pudding. Yeah. And you don't got that here. No, it's like, there's, there's so many better options for this person. I think even just also like the idea of like intimacy as like, it's a connection between two people or like, and even if that means that like, you're really connected and you're doing wild, you know, freaky deaky stuff in the bedroom. That's great too. But it has to start with like, we respect each other. We feel good and safe here. And then we're building from there. Yeah. I'm with you. This is a listener. So hopefully we'll, we'll get an update. Good luck out there. I know. Get a good divorce lawyer. It's only a couple of days. Old at this time. So we will see what we get is responding to some comments. I listened to THT. So I hope they would see this and give me advice. Thank you. Um, all of this is helpful. This is by far one of the most helpful comments. So you're out there. There's better for you. Do not sacrifice your happiness and not being respected. I mean, a lot of people just comment again and again, like quoting OP and just being like, I keep telling him not to do something, but he keeps doing it. And they go reread this to yourself a thousand times. Yeah. And so really, really, I think that's wise. It's like, you've said it yourself. Yeah. No. Okay. One last one for us here. Okay. Okay. This is coming from r slash relationship advice. My 28 male girlfriend who recently became my fiance, 25 female, apparently stalked me before we started dating. How do I deal with being creeped out by her now? Oh my God. Isn't this like the premise of a couple of different movies? Is this you? Joe Goldberg? It's Joe Goldberg, which by the way, I am watching right now. I can't get enough of it. It is so trashy. I love it. A little over three years ago, I moved to a new city for work. About this time, three years ago, I moved into a new house in the city. The house was perfect. It had a pool. I loved to swim. And there was a running trail that went around the neighborhood. I loved to run outside. For the first month or so, I had little interaction with the neighbors other than a friendly wave or how are you? Shortly after coming back from one of my runs, two women, my fiance, who we'll call Kim and her sister, Lisa, knocked on the door and introduced themselves. My fiance's sister lived across the street with her husband and their two kids. We made casual small talk, which in retrospect, I think was intended to ascertain, if I had a significant other. But in any case, they ended up inviting me to their 4th of July cookout that was coming up. I said I might stop by. 4th of July comes, and I was just planning to stay at the house. Late afternoon, Kim and Lisa stopped by and plead with me to come over and have a burger. I decided to go over. I stay for a couple of hours. Kim asked me a lot of questions, and I spend the bulk of that time just answering Kim's questions. After this experience, I start to see Kim regularly. When I'm out and about, there's a grocery store near the neighborhood that I would see her there at. I also would see her pretty regularly at a nearby coffee shop that I started frequenting. Every time, she tries to initiate a conversation. About six months into living there, I'm doing a run on a trail around the neighborhood. I see Kim. She flags me down. She said that she lost her phone and asks if I can call it. I call, and we don't hear anything. She then asks if I can walk with her along the trail to help her look. I do. We walk for about 15 minutes, and I keep calling. She eventually finds it covered by some leaves a little way off the trail. Shortly after this experience, she offers to take me to lunch as a thank you. I see no harm in that, so I say yes. We go to lunch. She seems to have similar interests to me, and we have a good conversation. Shortly after that, we start dating. Our relationship progresses. About a year ago, she moves in full-time with me in my house. About four months ago, we get engaged. About a few months ago, one of her friends found out that her boyfriend that she was living with was cheating. Some days later, she came over to the house. I worked on finishing getting the pool ready for the season, and they got lubed up on some wine. They were sitting on the back patio while I was working and talking really loud. Mostly, it was the standard, F that dude for cheating. At one point, Kim asked me to get them more wine, so I did. After bringing it back, they started talking about me. After a while, Kim's Fred said something like, quote, I just need to start stalking a good one. Kim's response was, quote, I can give you the stalking to get your man 101 course, and then talked about figuring out a guy's schedule, showing up to the places they are, and finding excuses to talk to them. And about the fact that it might take a while for them to get to the place they want to go. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't They talked about this for a while, and were laughing about it the whole time. Her friend stayed over, and we had a pretty chill night. The next morning, her friend left. What she said about the stalking really bothered me, so I asked about it. She tried to play it off as a joke, but said that she did do that stuff with me. She figured out when I would go running, go to the grocery store, go to the coffee shop, et cetera, and would be there. She had been trying to get me to ask her out for months. After that did not work, her and her sister came up with the lost phone plan on the trail. Hearing all of that really creeped me out. Kim did not see the big deal. She apologized but she does not see the problem with what she did. It really has me second guessing everything about the relationship. Wow I feel like I have conflicting thoughts about this. Okay. Because I think that on one hand they got engaged so the relationship did end up being fine. Unlike Joel Goldberg she didn't murder anybody. So she so she oh she ran into her crush at the local coffee shop and was like oh I think he goes like it's almost there's something almost juvenile and innocent about it even though yeah if the gender roles were reversed I would probably feel differently but I think that there's something fun and flirtatious about it and maybe harmless. I don't know. I don't know. I'm I'm really really curious how she figured out these habits. Yeah that's a good point. Was she sitting in a bush outside his apartment or did she go to the coffee shop every day and work there and just hoped he'd show up and oh he showed up today at 10. I'll come back tomorrow at 10. Like how do you get a meet cute and get that traditional I met him at a coffee shop I met him at a bar unless you're putting yourself in those places but the context of how insane she went would matter. To me it's like yeah how insane is too insane like let's say you have a question somebody and you're like oh like I know that they're a regular at this coffee shop like I'm gonna go and see if they're there and then they're like oh yeah I think they kind of work there every morning like well I need my morning coffee like I guess I'll stop by at that coffee shop that and maybe I'll see him there but like maybe I won't maybe I'll just get my coffee like is that crazy. So we do have some comments from Opie. There's only a couple. They do live in the U.S. Opie's from the south. We now live in the Midwest. So Opie says no lie about activities. As far as I know because I think a lot of people especially with Opie being like I'm unclear about the relationship as a whole. Yeah. Because if someone's stalking you and they're changing themselves so that you like them that would be weird. Yeah right. It's like that would be totally weird. I hate horses and my fiance's like I hate horses or yeah oh my god Disneyland gross all things I love. But Opie says she does hate running outdoors and only did it because I would use the but she figured out without telling me that I went to the grocery store twice a week a big shop early Sunday afternoon a smaller shop on Wednesday after work. If she could she would get dressed up put on a cute outfit and makeup and then go grocery shopping during those times. She would also drive past her work to go to my coffee shop in the mornings when I would usually be there. One of her friends works there and would tell her when I showed up that. OK. Yes. That like on paper does seem weird. But I'm also like. Isn't this the classic like oh my gosh yeah you're guys here like you should come get a latte and say hi. If my girlfriend didn't do that I'd be pissed at her. Yeah it's like it's flirtatious and harmless if she was like so I waited by his car until he came out to his car like yeah that would be weird. This honestly reminds me of the thing of like flowers sent to your work by someone you have a crush on. Adorable sentimental flowers sent to your work by somebody you don't have a crush on. Horrifying serial killer. I have a feeling people are going to have a lot of hot takes on this one. Yeah because it's I get the concern. I've been being like no it is fucking weird like whatever. Well you did gender flip it too. Yeah exactly. And I'm like but again she's not putting an air tag on his car she's just like trying to meet him and like have him catch a hint and ask her out which girl you could have just asked him out. Yeah. Like don't let the gender roles and those stereotypes. Sure. Keep you from asking someone out. Totally. But what do you even been interested like you kind of had to play this long game. For him to even ask you out. It's like like going to his house and trying to get him over the 4th of July thing like not crazy at all. No. Like that's totally normal. So normal. Being like I have a crush on the neighbor I want him to come over to my sister's thing. Oh my god so many people see a hot guy walking their dog and are like he's so hot. I've literally this was in high school. I used to rollerblade by this hot guy's house in my neighborhood. Oh yeah. Constantly hoping he'd see me out. Never worked. Never. My girlfriend was friends with him. Like oddly they started talking on Instagram way back in the day. And I was like Katie will you please like ask him out for me for my birthday present. All I want for my birthday is a date with him. And she fucking did. Didn't happen in high school but I ended up hooking up with him in college. Yeah. And we dated for a while. See there you go. And like but I'm like I used to rollerblade past his house constantly. And I told him that. Yeah. And he was like you did? I was like yeah I thought you were so cute. But see that's they're so harmless. Like I really think it's so harmless. And it's like kind of adorable. You know like the idea that being like you know what it is. I think that Opie there's a little bit of a like wow am I just so unbelievably hot that like wow she really stalks me. Like that it bothers me about it. The writing of it. Yeah. Yeah. And then like she's drunk with her friends and she reveals her whole plan. That I was the hottest guy in the neighborhood that she stalked to find. It's like well no she had a crush on you. Then you guys like fell in love and got engaged. Like. Yeah. Well and it wasn't like a stranger. Like she was genuinely interacting with you in normal ways too. Like. Yeah. The 4th of July thing is a great example where it's like no she invited you over to try to get to know you. She just didn't want to ask you out. She wanted you to ask her out. And it took a while to get there. Opie really does have a problem with the word stalking though because there's a couple other comments like she orchestrated her schedule to go grocery shopping go to a coffee shop I did. Started using the running trail around the neighborhood and she hates running outside. She has described her behavior as stalking and still does today. She just does not see it as a big deal. I think it is the word. I think it's the word stalking. I stalked him. Right. I had a crush on you so I like went to places I thought I might see you. Right. I think it's it's also that if you went to a coffee shop because the person you had a crush on might be there and they aren't there. Like that's just as normal as you going there and running into them. The phone story is the only one that's like pretty weird. But I think it's weird and like oh yeah it's totally weird that you did that because you were so had such a crush on this person that you pretended you lost your phone. Like that's totally weird. Yeah. That's a little aggressive. It's totally aggressive but it reminds me of the Jim and Pam thing in the office where he's like remember that summer you taught me how to drive stick. I've been driving stick since high school. It's a little bit like you know it's a white lie. Yeah it's like a white lie to spend time around this person. And it's like is Jim a stalker. I don't think so. I think it's just like yeah it is a little white lie and I get that. But it almost feels like he's being like now her whole thing has changed. And I think it's sort of it's just like she had a crush on you and she was head over heels and it just depends on the context you're looking at it. Yeah. Well I think too where's the line like the formal definition of stalking a pattern of repeated unwanted attention harassment or contact directed at a specific person that causes them to feel threatened intimidated or distressed. I think it's the also the unwanted if she had asked him out and he had been like no I'm not really interested and then she was showing up that it would be different. That would be really that's like where I'm like okay no. Yeah no. You turned her down. Right. Then it became unwanted repetitive like. I think also like. Yeah. The part of this that is that rings a little bit strange to me is like he's like so basically I just answered her questions all night long and it's like are you sure you weren't like also kind of like this is the person that you got engaged to you sure you weren't a little bit flirting back with them at the like like I think it's it puts all the onus on this person instead of being like yeah I went to this barbecue and I like had a really nice conversation with this one of my neighbors to like that is rewritten as she asked me all these questions I just spent the whole night answering her questions. I think that is a little bit disingenuous considering that he eventually went to be engaged to this person. Yeah. You know like do you like her even do you like her even or did you just like the attention she gave you. Yeah that's interesting. Like do you like her. Right. I don't know. I don't I think this honestly though will be relationship ending for OP given how he feels about it which. Yeah. Your feelings are your feelings at the end of the day. Yeah totally. I think this is a good opportunity for her to be like well yeah like that's how I found you but like if you don't love me now then the relationship then we shouldn't be together. But I think that you know. I sense I smell just a little hint of him being like wow I'm so awesome you stalked me like I probably could do like somebody else probably like me that way or something. I don't know. I don't know why I feel that way. I know. Well a lot of comments they're all over the place. Yeah. And I'm by the way again I'm happy to be proven wrong in the comment. There's a lot of ways you can look at this. I'm not personally attached. Don't yell at me. Don't be mad. Don't be mad at me. So someone goes I don't know. I mean the way you framed it obviously sounds like a stalker but if it were framed slightly different this would just sound like you met a cute girl who lives in your town and started dating. Yeah. I'm not saying she didn't stalk you but you describe situations where she asks you a lot of questions about yourself as one does when they're attracted to a person and wants to get to know them and you seemed willing to provide the answers without any problem on these occasions. If you weren't and she was getting your info via another method then I would see a big problem undeniably showing up at your spots is weird no matter how you dice it. But if I live in the same city as a man I'm attracted to and he told me he goes to X grocery store on Tuesdays for a few minutes from my house and I well, honey groceries too, so frankly, see no issue with doing my grocery run on a Tuesday in hopes that I might see him and strike up a conversation. There's bounds to it, but hopefully you get my point. I think it's important to note, OP, whether or not your girlfriend lived in this town before she met you and moved in with you, or if she spent a lot of time at her sister's home before you moved across the street. If not, then it's weird. If so, then I think she was drunk and chose an unfortunate choice of words. But ultimately, you get to decide what you're comfy with or not. Yeah, right. It's like, I do feel that ultimately it is up to him to be like, how do you feel about it? If this is too weird for you, then don't get married. But I just sort of am, I think there's a lot of situations that probably are very similar to this that people would just describe as normal. Like, is it weird to look somebody up on Instagram and see like what their past relationship was if it's in the Instagram thing? Because everybody does that. Yeah. And that's, I think, just a facet of dating in the internet world. But, you know, it would be weird to be like, okay, what's their address? Let me look at their address. Okay, now I'm looking at their street view. Now I'm like, there is always a line. And I think it's the malicious, it's like what crosses over the line to being malicious or make you feel scared, intimidated, or threatened or something. Yeah. Someone responds to that and they go, hey, you're fucking weird for not disavowing this. That person was downvoted negative 28. The previous comment had 427. So more positive versus whatever. And the person responds and goes, I'm weird for thinking critically. OP literally hasn't given enough information. I'm weird for thinking critically. I'm for strangers on the web to discern whether or not this person is a stalker. I'm more concerned that you think you have the info to make blanket statements about a situation. OP responds. All I know is that she orchestrated her schedule to go grocery shopping when I did. Coffee shop, whatever. They read that comment. She has described her behavior as stalking. And the same person responds. Okay, so you have your answer. What exactly do you want everyone here to do? Agree with you and sob and shit on your partner? Not the point of this sub. But it doesn't sound like you need advice either. You seem pretty set on how you feel, so you should already know what to do. That's a good point. OP says, I came here to see if anyone has had a similar experience and figured out ways to work through it or has some solid advice on how to work through it. If I did not want to work through this, there would be no reason to come here. I do not have my answer. I do not think simply telling posters get over it is the point of this sub either. But I don't think that they said to get over it. I think that they just said, like, you know, it's the way you slice it. You can look at it two different ways. And so someone replies to OP and says, I think you need to ask more questions from her. Did she park outside your house and watch you? Did she drive behind you undetected so she could pop out at the right times to determine your schedule? Did she make up lies about her interests or herself in order to package herself like a product she wanted to sell you? If so, you might feel a certain way about that. Did she fish for info in order to design opportunities to connect? Was she persistent in placing herself in front of you until you saw her as an option? That feels very different. And if she's still fundamentally the person you got to know and fell in love with, I'd be grateful that she was so persistent. This mostly to me would hinge on if she's really the person she's presented herself to be or if she was crafty in creating opportunities to present herself to you. Yeah, that I think is the line there that was like, if she's the person you fell in love with then I don't think it necessarily matters that how they fell in love. But I also think, you know what it is? There is something about the writing of the way he tells the story that is a purity test as if he's never done anything that toes the line between like, yeah, I was a little wild. I had a crush on this person and I looked them up on this way. And I am sort of in the mind that I think everybody has a, you know, not everyone's a perfect person. We've all kind of, you know, okay, hello. But we've all. We've all done things that are sort of in the morally gray. And by morally gray, I don't mean like, you know, keying their car. I mean like, yeah, like I like, you know, yeah, sure. I found the, I saw that they liked this coffee shop on Instagram. So I decided to go there in case I ran into my crush. Like that's a pretty normal, but a little bit weird thing to do around somebody you have a crush on. Absolutely. Comments are kind of going crazy on it. That's wild. I know. People do ask like, why not go to couples counseling? Sure. Which I think is a great idea. Yeah, definitely. OP does respond though. She has zero interest in doing that. She feels no need to discuss this further. She thinks I am being completely ridiculous. I mean, yeah. When you're in an argument, not a good way to sort of work it out with your partner, but yeah. No. And the response to that is dismissing your feelings like that is a huge red flag. Yeah. And I agree. And it is understandable that she would be defensive and maybe embarrassed now knowing his reaction. But if you're not going to address your partner's feelings, then that is a big concern. Well, you know, it's like they say that crazy people don't wonder if they're crazy. It's like if you were gut checking and being like, oh my God, is this crazy? Like, no, I just did something totally crazy. It's like, that's good to do. Like if she's like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm going to this coffee shop. And then he's like, wait, you stalked me? And she's like, no, I know it was totally crazy. I'm sorry. I had a crush on you. Like, I get it. I totally get it. I just wanted to be. Like, that would be a normal way to kind of get through it. Yeah. But I think by her being like, I don't want to discuss any further. I didn't do anything wrong. Then it's like, oh, maybe that is. Maybe that actually is bad. Now that I'm like. Yeah, you can't defend. Everybody acts morally gray, but you can't pretend that it's not. Exactly. Well, especially because OP does say too, which this is interesting. OP didn't even get that she was interested in him because, and this is. Because the level of engagement she showed is just politeness where I'm from. So I took it as politeness. Hmm. Okay. So it's like, she really was just kind of being nice and in front of him. Yeah. But then I'm like, girl, why didn't you just ask him out? Yeah. On some level, you have to just kind of bite the bullet and be like, hey. Ask him out versus. You're spending a lot of your time showing up at all these places. To be spending all this money on groceries, on coffee. I know. Damn. Make it at home. Someone does say she was interested in you. Why didn't she ask you out? Some women think that a man has to ask them out and will go through lengths to try to plant the seed in their heads. It's 2026. Women are allowed to ask men out too, lol. I prefer that she'd take initiative rather than try to manufacture some scheme to get me to ask her out. That's happened to me multiple times as an adult, and it feels childish every time. Hmm. So, good note for those of you who don't know. For those out there, just shoot your shot. Shoot your shot. Don't stalk. Don't stalk. Shoot your shot. And that's merch. Like, okay. But I do think, like, there is a lot of comments pointing out, like, if gender roles were reversed, people would tell you to run. And, you know, hey, there's a lot of validity in that too. I think also, again, it's up to him. If he feels weird about it, then he feels weird about it. You know? We're not in the situation. So, I could be like, he's writing the situation in a way that, you know, he was never into it. But also, if he was just like, no, I got a weird feeling by it, and it actually made me recontextualize some things, and it felt a little strange, then that's strange to you. And you either have to work it out, or you have to leave the relationship. And I, you know, respect to that. What would you do if you found out your wife had done this? I wouldn't be that surprised. No, I think I just, I mean, my wife is like, you know. How did you meet? We met at a party organically. Or so I thought. But no. So, we actually met at, it's a good example of, like, go to the party. Like, I, it was a party that I was not going to go to. And I'm like, you know what? It's Friday. I had moved to LA not that long ago. And I went, and it was a friend of mine from high school's roommate's birthday. Oh, my God. Like, such a mutual. Such a random, like, and I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I'll go to that. And then I was going to, I was there for an hour, and I was like, I'm just kind of tired. I want to go home. And I was like, you know what? I don't know that many people. Let me stay for one more hour. Okay. And then I met her, and then we, like, you know, within two hours. Two weeks, we're dating each other. And then I moved in after three months, and, you know. Oh, my gosh. You, yeah, you knew. I knew. Well, it was, three months thing is funny, because I was like, I also was, we were both unemployed, and, like, didn't have any money. So, we were like, I mean, I can move in. I wasn't on a lease or anything. I was like, let me just move in. And she was like, that's great. Like, we, like, clearly love each other. But, like, if this doesn't work out, I guess you just leave, you know. True. So, it was like, there wasn't that much wrapped up in it. I didn't have any stuff. I, you know. You really just came out here on a hope and a, a hope and a dream, huh? I was working at BuzzFeed when I first moved out to LA, and then I got laid off. I was like, like, my program ended, and I didn't get rehired. So, I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll fall in love. And then I did. That was magical. Yeah. I don't know what I would think. I guess if it was these specific examples, I'd just be like, ah, I get it. I'm really cute. He tried. But if it was, like, following me in a car and sitting in a bush. Yeah. Like, now, I'm like, I'm married. I'm in, I'm in it seven years deep. Like, but even if I found out when I was engaged, I don't know. I don't know how I would feel. It's just like. Yeah. You'd have to have been, I think in my mind, no one detail could recontextualize the entire breadth of our relationship. So, I think it'd be like, oh, that's kind of weird. But like, I don't think I would be like, oh my gosh, my reality is shattering. Like, every single thing about you I don't know is true. And it's like, you would really have to be a sociopath, like a complete sociopath or psychopath to have. of, you know, we have so much time together that-- nothing could recontextualize all of it. But I also, I think my wife is like insane in the best way. I think I'd just be like, oh yeah, that makes sense. I'm so curious what all of you think out there. Would you even consider this stalking? Like I I'm like, I'm so curious if this is even stalking. I'm not invalidating Opie's feelings, but I'm so, I need all your thoughts on this one. And all of these stories today, I mean, the cabin story was like bringing me flashbacks from a story I've had years ago about someone who was like, am I wrong for not letting my husband bring our baby to an off-grid cabin? And there were bats there, but it was his child and he still, it was a whole thing. So I'm like, I'm having a lot of flashbacks today. I know you're going to have hot thoughts in the comments. So let me see them. Let me see those hot thotties in the comments. Let me see them. Miles, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me, Morgan. Where can people find you? People can listen to my podcast, Perfect Person. You can start with Morgan's episode. Morgan was a very lovely guest and you can check my YouTube channel where I make all sorts of different types of content. But right now we're making a series called Graveyard Shift where we review 24 hour restaurants after midnight and we interview the patrons and staff and we eat the food and it's very kind of vibey and night shifty. Can I volunteer? Please. Oh my gosh. I would love to have you on. I literally, I just want to go eat a pancake. Are you a night owl? Yeah. Oh, then you'd be perfect. Yeah. We start shooting at usually like around 12 and then we go to three in the morning. Those are my best hours. That's literally when I shine. We'll have to have you on. It'll be so fun. But I will link that episode. Angela, our good friend Angela has also been on a lot of the Smosh crew. So you guys will definitely love it. I'll put all of Miles' links in the description. Other than that, until next time, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.