Ike Barinholtz

Hi, my name is Ike Baronholtz and I feel bullish about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Very, very Teddy Roosevelt. Yes. Bullie. Bull moose. Speak softly and carry a large red-headed man. Yes. Okay, welcome to Conan O'Brien's "A Friend". It took me a second to realize what we were doing, and I'm Conan O'Brien from the title of the thing. And this is Sonoma Sassian. This is David. What's happening with you? This is David Hoppen. I'm just trying to come in with fresh energy. I have an obsession lately that I want to talk about, which is rappers that have agreed to do a soundtrack for a major motion picture, and then they have to rap about the movie and kind of get bogged down on the plot of the movie. It's one of my obsessions lately. One of the things I was thinking about, and I think one of the worst offenders, was when Hammer, MC Hammer, for the sequel to the first Adam's House movie. Oh, boy. I remember this one. And it was family. Yeah. He had to rap about the Adam's family, and I know this is a long time ago, and people listening right now are like, "Conan, what are you doing?" What are you doing? And I have loved ones that tell me that all the time. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know. You're always making a meatball when you say that to me. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Anyway, so MC Hammer was getting into the weeds. Some executives said, "You got to mention fester, you got to mention Wednesday, you got to talk about Gomez, you got to talk about," you know, and then, "Okay." And you think, "Okay, Conan, that's one example. Have you got more?" I do have more. Oh my God, you can't prepare. You can't prepare. You can't prepare. No, I didn't do research. These are the ones I wrote them down as they came to me. I remembered Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap. Yes. Yes. Oh my God, I remember that. Yeah. And of course, you know, Vanilla Ice is he, and no offense to, is it Mr. Van Winkle? Was that his name? Yes. In court documents. No offense to him, but again, he had to get bogged down probably in talking about various ninja. Goon and Joe, goon and Joe, goon. Yeah. And then he started breaking. And then he started breaking dancing. Yeah. And then did he have to get into the plot? That's my favorite thing is when they're like, "Micka Langello has to get the blue jewels." It's out of show. What's that? It is? It's in the movie. They're out of concert. Of course it is. Of course it is. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes. And it just goes on and on and on and I love it. And the reason I, it all came back to mind is the other day, you know, I like to sketch. You know, that's one of my things that I like to do. You're a doodler. I'm a doodler. I'm a draw. I like to draw. I like pen and ink. So I went into, I'll give him a shout out. Blix, art supply. Hey. I like, I can hang out in a blix forever. Yeah. I just love pens, paper. Yeah. I'm from the streets. But I'm there and I'm, you know, checking out some of the latest cool, you know, cool pens out of Japan. And I, you need an eraser that you can need, you know, that's K N E A D, you know, a needing eraser. Anyway, I'm checking out. Yeah. And then I'm going to go out and get laid, you know, but that's the order that I like to do things. I like to get the really good Japanese pen, a needable eraser and then I have to go out, you know what I mean? And spread my seat all over town. That's just the order that I like to do things. And if people think I came in hot today, maybe I did, because I was in Blix here on the West side of Los Angeles. Blix or Blix. Blix. It's just Blix. But sometimes I go in and they go like, hey, I'm going to Blix it up, you know, and then watch out world because I'm coming after, you know, once I get my supplies, give me a little bag and my little bag and that's what I like to stroll the boulevard and check for action. Anyway, I'm in there and what do I hear? Oh my God, it's pit bull. And he's wrapping about men in black free. And sure enough, this rapper has has had to bend the knee to the studio executives and he's talking about, we got to go back in time and he's explaining the plot. Do you know what I mean? And again, that always freaks me out when rappers, you know, well, everybody needs, I mean, imagine how much money they get. You should try to do a rap for a movie. You know what? I think maybe I'm jealous that no one's asked. Toy Story 5. Yeah. Toy Story 5. Yes. Thank you. Now, my guess is Toy Story 5 is coming out soon. I'm in it. I guess I was thinking maybe in the back of my mind, they might want me involved in the soundtrack. Yeah. I hear it from Tim Allen and Tom Hanks anymore. You know what I mean? Ben there, done that. This is my chance to shine. I know Randy Newman typically does a lot of the songs for the Toy Story movies, but maybe we change it up this time. Well, it's probably getting late. My guess is they've figured this out already because they've been working on this movie for years. But if they haven't and who's to say I can't rap, I did a movie last year, people thought well, he can't do a movie. Well, guess what I did. Yeah. So I think I could rap the plot to a movie. I think you can too. First of all, your beatbox is your beatbox, there you go. That's your beatbox game is off the chart. Yes. So I think you can definitely-- Definitely. --chart adjacent. I'm like off the chart and then so far away from the chart that no one can even see a chart near me. There's no clipboard, there's no chart in sight. If you had binoculars, you wouldn't see the chart. I've heard you rap before and you do a throwback where you go, "My name is Thun and Conan. I like to take it back." I like to take it back. Yeah, I like to go back. Which is what everybody wants to hear right now. Early '80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every rap should start with, "My name is blank whoever you are in my case, Conan. My name is Conan and I'm here to say I'm here to rap the USA. That's how every rap should start." You also throw Superman into any of each other. Superman, right? Really well. Superman. Yeah. Yeah. Superman. Superman. You do beat Superman. Yeah. I like to take it back. Yeah. And then you won't be able to forward your beefoujou, which was my favorite meal in high school. Yeah. Your cafeteria had beefoujou. It's a juicy beef. It's a real hard lyrics. Um, quiet. I mean, I respect, uh-oh. I'm getting a call right now from my, what do you think Rick sell wants? That's my manager. Oh, you really? I thought you were doing a bit. And go, "Yeah, what are you? Rick Rose?" Maybe you heard about it. Maybe he's going to let you know there's a rap. Hey, Rick. Rick, you're on right now. This is Rick Rose. And he's one of the biggest agents in Hollywood. Yeah. Hi, Rick. And, uh, and blaze back there and, and, and David Rick, here's my question. Is it too late? Do you think they've locked in the Toy Story 5, um, soundtrack? Is that probably locked in already? Or do you think there's a chance I could do a song that would be in Toy Story 5? A rap. A rap. A rap. I think, I think that if you were going to sing a song, they'd erase the soundtrack that they have already locked in. Yes. Yeah. I'm saying that if Randy Newman has already written like a great song that's a cure jerk or but also a beautiful melody because I love Randy Newman and it's set. If I said, if you called them right now, you know, Disney picks are and said Conan wants to rap about the plot of Toy Story 5. They would delete. I don't mean just bump it, but delete what Randy Newman has done. I think they might even move the release date. Oh my god. We know why Rick's been around. We know why Rick's been around for a whole time. You know what? Rick, you're the best agent in the business. Yes. I'm so glad I took this call and I'm going to jump off now, but I will call you back when we're done wasting America's time. I'll call you right back. Um, I just hung up on him. That's how big I am. This guy runs Hollywood and I just, and guess what? I now don't have an agent. Cause he's that was fantastic. That was great. That was perfect timing surrounded by enablers. I'm so, I'm, hey, hello, son, how are you? You're my biggest enabler. Ha, ha, good one boss. Um, so anyway, that is the goal. The goal is I want to rap. And I really want to get into the weeds on the plot because that's my favorite thing is when the rapper is like, they got to get the jewel. They got to take it up to that mountain. They've got to meet Papa Smurf. And then they got to go back in time. But remember, I mean, don't cross the, do you know what I mean? Don't cross the, the, whatever, the purple river. Yeah. Because that means that what's another Smurf? Uh, Smurfette. Oh, don't say it like I'm an idiot. Smurfette. Idiot. The girl one. Okay. Well, anyway, one girl. These are the obsessions that I have. They grip me. And what did I do? Eduardo? Why don't you testify? Come in hot today. And what did I make you do? You made me play pit bulls back in time. Yeah. And you know what I did? I had you. advance it to where? 44 seconds. I said, go 44 seconds in. I said, start it 44 seconds because that's where Pitbull comes in with the rap. I don't want to waste time not hearing Pitbull rap. Oh my God. Conan texts me days in advance warning me that he wants this to be the high point. How do you know that? How do you listen to it in your car? What you just said, duh. That's such a big duh. You know what? I had to unlock my jaw to get this duh out like a snake. I had to unlock my jaw to push more duh out of my face. Yes. I heard Pitbull in a blitz art supply store, right? That's over the blitz. And sorry, blitz arts, whatever. If they're going to give us free shoe, you've got to give their right name. I don't know who cares. They're lucky I'm talking about it. And I hear it. I'm obsessed. I get in the car. I have to hear it some more. Then I notice when I say, I really like it when it starts right in on the on the rapping with Pitbull. There's a big preamble that takes 44 seconds before we get to hear about Miami. You got to go back in time. He knows the exact seconds. No, I did. That's what I'm saying. I know exactly what seconds. So I said, and then I come into the first two. You're like, wait, wait, verse two. Yeah. I know what are you talking about? You played it three times on the car when we drove around yesterday. Oh, and now I fool David. So David was driving me around yesterday and they can wear a show first cap, which I think is illegal. And I sit in the back of his. What is what kind of car do you drive a Hyundai? Yeah. Yeah. He said, I sit in the back of his Hyundai and I make him wear a tiny, tiny show first cap. It looks like a little Yamaha on his head. And it's got a little rubber band that holds it on his head. So I'm sitting in the back and I, and I fooled you because I said, because I've been playing with a band recently. And I said, oh, we worked out a really good tune and we have a recording of it. And he went, oh, really? And I went, yeah, do you want to hear it? It's the first recording. And he went, yeah. And I started to play Pitbull's back in time. And you, for a second, what did you think? I turned and I said, you really recorded this with the band. Oh, I don't know. I'm usually, I don't know what happened to me. You can't tell when Mr. World White is. Well, I knew it. I thought like he made the band play it. No. No. And then he got me again later. And then he started to hear the rap. And it's Pitbull rapping. And he thought for a second, I guess Conan could have done that. Oh, no. Oh, blast for me. And then later he said, hey, can I plug my phone and I've been really into this tape, McCrayson. Yeah. And he went, okay, I'd like to hear that. And then I hit, of course, what did I hit? Pitbull back in time and blasted you again. And you were like, why do I believe him? I've got it. I really want to play this new tape McCray song. For me want shame on me. For me twice, you're David Hopping. All right. Peace out. Let's get into it. Who am I? All right. We got enough of this. My guest today stars as Sal Saprstein in the Emmy award winning Apple TV plus series, the studio. He now has a new trivia podcast called Funny You Ask with new episodes every Wednesday. He's a very funny guy. And I've always enjoyed him very much. And excited. He's here today. I'm so happy you're here. You are a fine fellow, hilariously funny. And now we get to hang. Now we had a brief interaction recently at a pizza restaurant. And I remembered saying, I think to the waiter, can you escort this man away? Yes. Yes. I was there with my family. My daughter's birthday. And I just gave Conan a wave across the restaurant and we sat down a couple of minutes later. Some of the staff came out and said, sir, you need to leave. I signaled them. Yeah. Which was it was. And they took you away from your daughter. Yeah. And then she started crying and she said, why do they take my daddy away? And I said, shut it. And now when we ever we see Conan on screen, my daughter goes daddy. Yeah. She points at him and goes, daddy, which is nice. I'm fine with it now after a lot of ketamine therapy. I'm okay with it. I legitimately want to be your friend. I think a lot of phonies come on this show. And there's no one to be your friend and they don't care. They don't. And you know what? I try to follow up with a lot of them. I can't get through. No, no, no. No one wants to talk to me. I'm here because I truly want to be your friend more so than these vipers. Yes. Yes. These are not your friends. They are happy when you fail. They are the little fish that grab onto the larger more productive mammal and suck it of its life essence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I won't suck your essence. No. No. No. You will. No matter how much you ask. If you want to get into this business, you will suck my essence. It's the way it goes. We have a lot to talk about. Let's go. And first of all, I'm a huge fan of the studio and I love your work in the studio. You also have this new podcast, which is trivia based. Yes. I'm very excited about it because I know you to be a trivia maven. I was going to say maven and you beat me too. You are a celebrity celebrity champ. Yes. You won a million dollars for charity. Yes. Of which I'm told you took 600,000 dollars. Well, you know the phrase you got to wet your beak. Yes. Yeah. The charity got money. They got paid. They're fine. It was for, I think pediatric oncology. Yes. And you took 600,000 dollars. First of all, if you said to someone I want to give you 400,000 dollars. That sounds pretty great, right? Right. Let's leave that there. I have an infrastructure. I have business. I have people that I have to pay to make sure that I'm able to get to jeopardy. Okay. You talked that way. But when I saw you at the pizza restaurant in Santa Barbara, I did notice when you left because I made you leave that you got into a very expensive Bugatti. Yes. And the license plate was number four charity. That's when I say I'm playing for charity. You don't specify it. Did I get a Bugatti that has four cars for my family? Yes. We drive up and down Montecito. You see everyone seen a motorcycle with a pod, but I see you pod here, a pod here, a pod in the back of the pod. It's amazing. They're all lashed. It's smaller. Bugatti's attached to the larger Bugatti and they're lashed together. So they take up both lanes. Yes. Oncoming. Yes. So cars have to, he has a, you have a car that goes ahead of you. Yeah, we have a follow car. You have a follow car. You don't have a follow car? Well, you have a follow car that goes ahead of you and lays down orange cones to keep people off the road. This is why I need money to pay these people. They don't work for free. You mother, a fucker. That's what I only wanted to say was to get Ike Barnes-Holter, who's, everyone's like, oh, he's so funny. He's such a good guy ripped off this charity in the name of charity Jeopardy. Ridiculous. I also want a million dollars on celebrity who wants to be a millionaire. That's true. Yeah. So I've done two celebrities. How much money? And you got to keep all that money. That money went straight to me, baby. No, that went to both everything went to charity, every diamond to charity, unfortunately. This has kept me off these charity shows. I won't, I, I'm sorry. It has, I'm going to speak, I'm sorry. I can't do it. I can't do it. I work hard. I don't want to go on celebrity jeopardy if I'm not getting a major piece of that dough. Okay. And that's just been my policy since day one. You know, I do think you would do a good job on it. I think it keeps charitable organizations. They get soft if they just get the money. They've got to work for it. They've got to earn it and it will make them stronger. Anyway, this may be an unpopular stance. And if anyone thinks that I'm on the wrong track here, feel free to let us know on iDon'tCare.org. It is good that you guys got an organizational status for that. That is that, to me, that's reeks of.com. But like, you guys did the paperwork. Yeah, the, the, the, the fees. And now it's organization. All the fee, but, okay. Listen, we could screw on, I guess, all day. I don't want to be very happy. Yeah. But so much to talk about. Yes. We have points of commonality here. And that's always a good place to start, which is my interest in comedy really began with my dad. And I know that similar dynamic with you growing up Chicago area, right? Big comedy house. Mom and dad, both loved SCTV, loved Saturday live. And then some I realized loved taxi. I remember like my first memory was them watching taxi and thinking like Jim was funny. And, but there is something about them laughing that it's very nurturing. Yeah. That's why, because I don't want my kids to be in comedy, we don't laugh at all in the house. We watch serious documentaries. Yeah. I watch comedy, but I wear an iron mask so they can't see that I'm laughing. And so I've watched some of the funniest stuff wearing an iron mask. They're watching step brothers and just a full mask. Yeah, just a full mask. I've painted I actually I didn't paint it. I'll admit to that I had a very good artist paint a frown on the iron mask so that yeah, because I don't has the same thing. I want them both working for the any kind of electric company. Yes, steady good steady work on the power grid. Everyone needs power. So you're watching your parents laugh. And then you get this jolt and one of the cool things about your story is that you very literally then pulled your dad. As you had success, as you've had success over the years, you have taken your dad along. Right. And and given him his chance because he didn't to come and eat. My dad was a research scientist, doctor, researcher. I apologize. He told me he was a jock. Yeah, sorry. But he said it as he was holding a microscope and wearing very short from you to shorts. That's what I knew. When someone tells me, and he didn't say jock, he said, "I'm a real joxster." So I suspected that wasn't the case. My dad wanted to be in comedy and he auditioned for Second City when he was really young and then it was just too hard and my mom was pregnant and he was like, "I'm just gonna go to law school. Let's go to law school and come on attorney and have steady work." And then he kind of took me to see my first improv show and I remember seeing like Amy Poehler and Chris Farley Tim Meadows in particular was so funny that I was like, "I want to do this." And then years later, my brother did it and our dad was watching from the outside looking, he was watching from the inside looking out. And long story short, he a couple of years ago got a call to put himself on tape for a random show or they needed a judge and that became jury duty. And now he is an LA-based actor. He's doing a movie right now with Jennifer Gardner. And it's pretty wonderful. His career has far outstripped yours. And the reason you're here today is he canceled. Yeah, okay. That's, that's better. He was the big Gats. What it was, okay. But Alan is your dad? Alan is my dad. Yeah. And so what's so cool is that and working on the studio, he played a part in the studio. Did he have a cameo? He played the projectionist on the studio. I know you're a fan of the studio because I, I, I, like everyone was destroyed when we lost Catherine or her. And she had this memorial service in my family and I were appropriately in Canada that weekend. So we couldn't go. And I talked to Seth Rogan when I got back. I was like, how was it? He goes, it was really beautiful. It was really sad. Conan came up to me and he said she was incredible in the show. Yeah. If you're replacing her, I would like to be considered. Yeah, I did. I did. And I was, I was, yeah. And I thought it was, it was the memorial and I had an eight by 10. And it had the quad split of me as a nerd on a safari. Yeah, on a safari. Me as an ice cream vendor. Ice cream vendor. It's a real, yeah. And Seth said, I don't think this is the right time. Yeah, it's in a place. And I said, when is the right time? Would later today be okay? So that was, that's on me. That is on you. But they're still trying to figure it out. So the season's done. I get mistaken for a woman a lot. So that's in my favor. I live in this neighborhood. So I see you. I remember I was, I was at my vet one time. And I saw you walking down the street and there was a guy in front of you who clearly worked with you. And you were slapping him on the shoulder. Yeah. That would be a writer, probably. That would be either Mike Sweeney or Matt O'Brien. I have certain writers and Matt O'Brien in particular, no relation. I tell everyone he was my cousin and I had to hire him even though he's not funny. And he's a brilliant writer. He's really funny. He's no relation. It's just such a common last name. But I'm very comfortable giving him a physical beating. And I'm very tactile to you. I touch people. I kind of grab my friends. Yeah. I like rope of the lot of, there's a lot of grabbing, wrestling and growing up. I wish Catholics and Jews are both tactile. Yeah. I like to touch. I like to get my hands on consenting males. Yeah, that covers it for the law. I think I'm okay now. Well, here's the thing because you talk about comedy and these influences. But I do love the studio. And then I heard you talking a while ago about how much the Larry Sanders show meant to you. And I thought, oh, this is interesting to me because I love the Larry Sanders show. And there's a similarity in between Larry Sanders and the studio. They're both about the business. And there are specific ways if you're in show business that you can pick apart certain things and say, well, that's not really how it is. And for me, watching Larry Sanders back when I was doing a late night show. And there was one writer on the show. And Larry would be playing them. Yeah. I would see things that if you're in it, you can pick apart. But those are irrelevant because they're getting the essential soul of it right. Also, I think too. If you did like an exact version of what it's like, it would be kind of boring. Yes, right. It would be like, it's like, oh, we're in a car. We're driving to the lot. And we're going to talk to a director and in real life, they show up. They say hi for a few minutes. And then they leave. But we want people to watch it. Yes. And also, I always want to believe when I'm backstage that there will be showgirls, two people in a horse costume. Yeah. Classic. And I wanted to do a late night show that had that backstage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that almost influenced what kind of comedy we did. I wanted horse costumes. I wanted people dressed as soldiers. I wanted it. I wanted master being bears. I wanted all that shit backstage, you know. Shout out Brian Stack, by the way. Brian Stack. Conan O'Brien legend. Brian Stack. Yeah. Yeah. He is. And you know what? I had a very sweet moment with Stephen Colbert because Brian Stack, one of the great all-time writers and the writer performers on my show, who did so many great characters and was so prolific and was such a voice of the show. He went to work for Stephen Colbert after we shut our thing down and has done great work for him for many years. I went, this is a couple of months ago. I'm in New York. I call Stephen. He says, come on by and I went and I'm hanging out in Stephen's office and we're chatting for a long time about different things, late night, war stories. And then he had to get to rehearsal and that he was going to show me out or have his assistant show me out. And so we will leave his office and there's a flat screen up. And on the screen, they're rehearsing a comedy piece. And it's Brian Stack wearing a ridiculous costume with his wife Miriam, incredibly talented Miriam. And a credible actress really funny and such a great, such a big part of our late night show as well. They're both on screen going like, now you listen here and they're wearing ridiculous costumes and I'm looking at it and I realized I was looking at that in 1993 on the screen as I went down to my late night show. Here it is 2025 at the time and nothing's changed. Now you listen here. I'm going to tell you right now. We're the watermelon heads, whatever. And oh, Baron, I just lost it. Like there's no escaping that face on a rehearsal. No, and it will just forever. But I have to talk to you about this. Yes. Yes. You had this experience. Yes. Because you. The threesome. No. No. Yeah. What is it? What is it? Here are six some. Well, there was two of them. You had a threesome twice. I see you had a threesome twice. Different day. I get separated by many hours. The math. Okay. Yeah. It says here six cocks. You know what I love? My research says here six cocks. Yeah, six cocks. No, it's three cocks, six, three veg. Okay. I'm telling you what your researcher is incredibly bass. Oh, in there. I have to say, yeah, three cocks. Yeah, two. Let me see. Oh, that is me. You're giving a high-fiving the cameraman. Oh, it's my dad. He's my friend. And he also happens to be doing a great job. Get it, son. Get it. Just like I told him. You know what? Tell Alan that he's mentioned in the podcast. Got to listen the whole thing. When you get to the six some, where you're filming me, and you're listening with mom, just do me a favor and be like, uh, I'm losing a signal or something. Yeah, the plus 1512. I know what happened there. Can they say six some? No, no. He said rexam. Uh, rexam. They talked about Ryan. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me? It's him. He's the one that did it there. I went there. So the, um, there's this thing that I heard about a years and years ago, one of the early, early travel things I did travel shows I did was I went to, I can't remember. I think it was related to some kind of promotion. They were going to have our late night show appear in some European markets. They asked me to go to Amsterdam. And I also think maybe Cologne, Germany. And so I traveled there and thought, well, we should record this. So we're in Amsterdam. And I only find out later on that there, I think I was stopped by someone on the street who said, Hey, Conan, we're a bunch of Americans who are doing, uh, improv, uh, which was how I began, as an improv, not stand up. Um, he said, we're doing improv, uh, here in Amsterdam. Can you stop by? And I remember it saying, I'll try to and then I couldn't because we were busy shooting all this stuff. And also, I just didn't want to go, um, which I didn't, I didn't have to mention why do that when I just have too busy. No, but I get it. You're in a foreign country. You're working, saying to to someone you want to watch them improv is. It can be a tall order, especially for someone who's done improv. But it was very mean what you said, please continue. [ Laughter ] Very important. But I'm remembering now how not busy I was. Well, now you're just gilding the mean lily, I would say. No, I have my research, you put my schedule in. [ Laughter ] Two whole days of "Nothing to Do" in Amsterdam. 1999. Yeah. It's nothing. It's a tundra. It's a vest. All I have is wake up and see the matrix. Yeah. [ Laughter ] See the matrix twice, it says. And then question mark, question mark, nothing else to do. They wrote. I did not have time to go do it. But then I later found out from Seth Meyers that he was part of that troupe at that time. And I'm thinking, I wish I had gone by and met everybody because that'd be cool. And see what they were up to. And it's this thing called boom Chicago that's in Amsterdam. And you did this. Yes. I replaced Seth, basically. Right. It was like 1994, like these three American guys are backpacking through Europe and they love Amsterdam. And they're like, this is the best city. The comedy is terrible. The comedy scene in Amsterdam the time was still like old European cabaret stuff where it's like, you know, Hansen Yop and in the second act, he will wear a dress. Right. And he was like, what the fuck? It always ends with, let's go buy some wooden shoes. Yes, it was the blow to every sketch. A lot of clogs, a lot of clogs, very clogged heavy. And so they're like, what if we opened a second city style theater that was some sketch, music, some improv and stuff. And at first it was just like five or six of them in the back of a bar. I believe Miriam Flynn was one of the, Tolen was one of the first ones, rather. Yep. Later Miriam Stack. Miriam Stack, later Miriam Stack. And by the time I got there, it was like a big theater, like it was like a 250, 300 seat dinner theater. And the appeal, if you were in Chicago for me, was like, oh, you don't need a day job anymore. Because I had a horrible day job that was killing me and then at night I would do improv. And to go, I'd never been to Europe. I was 22 years old and I went and I had a threesome everyday. I was there for two years. That's like 7,000, that's like 21,000 sexual experiences I had. With all the people, a lot of cocks. A lot of cocks. What's your in it? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. This was in the '90s. This was different time before 9/11. And it was, but it was incredible. I got there and I learned how to perform big. Because in Chicago, I was doing a ton of improv in Chicago. And in Chicago, you can kind of, you can score without having to go big in Chicago. You can come in and drop a really funny reference. You can play kind of a cool character. And you're in a small room. You're going to get a big laugh. But going there and having to perform for people who don't speak English necessarily or don't understand your reference base at all, that taught me how to, I think, be bigger and kind of perform for the masses. Well, when I was 22, senior in college and about to graduate, I knew, I was like, I don't want to do stand up, but I'm very interested in improv. And a lot of people in 1985, I would say, I want to do improv. They didn't know what it was. I don't know. And so I wrote a letter to Salons Bernie Salons. I found out the name Bernie Salons. I wrote a letter. And it was just very formal. I wish I had a copy of it. It was very formal typed letter that said, "Dear Mr. Salons, my name is Conan O'Brien, and I've been, you know, President Lampoon, and I've done all this work in comedy, and I wish now to do improv, and I would like to come to Chicago, is there a way I could join your troop?" I didn't know about the classes. I didn't know. - Right, right. - And I basically got like a form letter back that said, I was asking, basically, can I come be a part of the show? As opposed to, can I move to Chicago, start taking classes and try and work my way in? I just didn't know what it was all about. I got sort of a form letter back saying, that's not really how it works. Bernie Salons just took some of his cigar ashes and I'm lovely. There you go. - Bernie Salons is a famous lion, where he was directing a second city show or something, and someone was pitching a sketch and another actor was like, "Yeah, but we kind of did a version of this sketch "in the last show, it's kind of the same joke." And Bernie Salons goes, "Look, there's seven jokes." (laughing) - And it's all about how you tell 'em. - Seven jokes. - Yeah, it's like there's only seven real jokes. - Five real jokes. - Five. (laughing) - It's mine going to Chicago, we have a couple extra bonus ones. - All right. (laughing) - Sausage and then, yeah. - Heart attack. - The cup. - Yeah, and our cups. - Dipped up. - Dipped up. - And then Sausage, big one. - But I, yeah, I was intrigued by that. And so when you guys talk about, I mean, it didn't exist when I was going there, but the idea of being 22 and living in Amsterdam and doing comedy, I almost want to do that now. - You can, at my age, I would want to go and do it now because-- - I can make one phone call and you will be in the boom Chicago cast. They would be thrilled to have you. They're gonna have to fire one of the younger current cast members, but you know what? - I think it's-- - The juice is worth the squeeze. (laughing) - I was gonna say that same saying. And then I realized I don't know what it means. (laughing) And I've never heard of it before. And that's why I didn't say it. (laughing) - I think it's funny when someone who's established in their career and very old and has, like, really is set financially, goes and takes work away from young people. - That's the funniest thing you could do. - That's funny to me. - It's funny. And it's a good life lesson for them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes. - Work hard or not, it doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter. - Someone more excited and rich might come in and take your date and craze. - Like Conan O'Brien can come in and go, "Hey, you know what? This amuses me. Great job you got here would be a shame if something happened to it like I took it." I ain't gonna live in the fanciest house in Ibs to damn. - It's on a butt house, it's on a boat. - Yeah. - I'm gonna have a big boat house and I'm gonna drop by and do some bad improv. And you can fucking hit the road. This is, I'm so happy with all these life choices I'm making here. (laughing) Well, I think that's a sounds fantastic. It sounds-- - It was so much fun. And it was in great group. It was, you know, Seth Meyers, I kind of replaced him. But he would come back a lot. His brother Josh Meyers was there, Jordan Peele. - Yeah. - Was there Jason Seddeckis, Liz Kakowsky, Kay Ken and Jill Benjamin. All these great performers were there. And it was a really great time too. It was 99, 2000. It was before the Euro. So we used to have the Gilder. You were on the Dutch Gilder. And it was two Gilders to a dollar. - Isn't that crazy? - I appreciate you guys having leather pouches with gold coins in them. - I have leather pouches. - You'd be paid by someone tossing you a leather pouch and you'd catch it. - That was basically what it was. - Tie it to your saddle bag and go-- (laughing) - Get on our mule and go back to our village. It was a beautiful, it was really beautiful. It was a special time for me. - I showed it in a night. Here's a sack of gilders. (laughing) - But we still go back. I took my family there last year and it's-- Amsterdam is an amazing city. Really one of the greatest cities in the world. I love it. And then has nothing to do with the abundant legal drugs. That's a separate thing that I love. That's nothing to do with the charm and feel of the city. - Yeah. - Yeah. - The drugs. - The drugs are good. - Which we have now in Los Angeles. - Do you guys have any here? - Should we have some more? - Yeah. - Do you ever do that? Do you ever microdose? Do you ever do any of that now? - I don't really. - For like, any more reasons, or you just like, on the other point of the day. - It was not, it was not, no, nothing I make, I don't have any moral judgment about it at all. I really don't. I just didn't ever feel like it was my thing. And mostly I've been spending a lifetime trying to understand my mind. So the idea of throwing some cuckoo juice in there didn't appeal to me as much. - What if I told you? - You know what I mean? Putting in an accelerant or anything weird thing in there. I always felt to me like, no, no, no, it's everything I can do to get this thing to settle down. - What if I told you by doing it, it could help you understand your mind deeper? - Yeah. - What if I don't want to understand it? - What if I'm happy with this level of understanding? - Trying to get to the grave. (laughing) - What? - I look at the grave the way a tired person looks at a well-made bed. (laughing) - I just wanna pull up the soil around me and go, - Soon, soon. - No, no, no. - Soon my love, soon. - Soon, the grave beckons, the grave. (laughing) - This is your fault. - You know what? - I blame, I really do. - I blame you. - I blame you too. - Because you're an accelerant for this kind of foolishness. - I am, I am. - I wanna make sure that I, 'cause we could do this for thousands of hours, you and I, which is the lovely part of having you here. - Why should be your friend? 'Cause I know some of your friends in real life, and I'm better than them. - And guess what? I know what you're talking about. - Let's say I would rather swap out. - Right when I say his name on the count of three. - One, two, three. - Paul Rudd. - Rudd. (laughing) - Here's what I'm gonna say about Paul Rudd. - He's richer, he's more famous, he's funny, or he's better looking. I am younger, and I am more loyal. - Yes, yes. - To my friends. - Yes, also, you know. - Paul Rudd, and if you're listening, Paul, I'm speaking directly to you. (laughing) - He comes and goes with the tide. When Paul's tide is up, you know what I mean? - Yes. - I don't hear from him. - Yes. - You know? God forbid there's a setback or a movie that doesn't quite -Right, hit. -Then he comes running back. -He comes running back. -I don't want to do this. -Hey, go to go to what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? But then the second thing starts to hit again for Paul. As they always do, because he's just doesn't age, and he's perpetually successful, then he's gone again. -You won't have that problem with me. Nothing hits. -Right. I will always be there. I'm a loyal friend. -You know what? Your career is consistently ice cold. -Just, yeah. It's just never interesting or good, and that's why I am-- -No, no, no, no, I'm the cold. -Ice cold. -Well, frozen. -Frozen. -Yeah. -Just absolutely frozen. -Yeah. -Oh, I know. -Oh, you got-- -Oh, I got a Critics Choice Award for my character during the studio. I bet you did. You came in. Do you see what he was wearing when he came in? He had his Critics Choice Award made into a necklace. -Looks like, yeah. -And he had it-- -And it was like 26 pounds by the way. -The head, yeah. -Yeah. -Cran. -Yeah. -All right. -Yeah. -Yeah. -I'll listen, I'm just saying. -It was like Flavor Flabe's clock. And he's-- that shows the kids. I know what time it is. -They weren't just about to get the word out on whatever project. They just started sitting on him. Sorry. -I know. It's about to do the professional part. We have to take a second here and acknowledge your hilarious as Sal San Pastine in the studio. You were so funny in that role. And it's funny because you had a very specific idea for who this guy is, and I know there are a bunch of execs. Many execs come to you and say, "Oh, that's based on me, isn't it?" -Yeah. -Because, yes, they're also involved, but they all see themselves in what you've created with Sal. -Which has a lot about them, by the way. -Yeah. -Yeah. There was other times where there's guys and ladies that I know who are studio execs who will say that. Like, "Oh, you used to hold that for me." I'm like, "Yes." And then there's something that I'm like, "I know you got that for me." And I'm like, "I didn't." -Yeah. -I'm struggling to remember your name right now. -Yeah. -But I did not take that from you. But I think people see what they want in the part. And it's really based a lot off of my friend, Eric Byers, who's an executive, universal. Except for he doesn't do drugs and is very responsible. But they love some of them. The work isn't exciting. Making the movies exciting, but they want to. Where are we going to dinner afterwards? And that's like my cornerstone of like, where are we going to go to dinner? Where are we going to dinner tonight? -Yeah, that's me, too. -Yeah. Well, dinner isn't for. I mean, it's not even noon yet. Let me do this, Shay. And I eat. I'm from Madrid, so I eat at 10 o'clock at night. And I always. -I'm from Madrid. -But I know he went for a new race. Do you immigrate here when you were 19? I have the face of Madrid. Look at my face. It's so Madrid. -You are weird. -Yeah. No, no, but it's always 10 o'clock at night. It's always paella. That's what. Yeah. It's always 10, always paella. I just got back from Italy, by the way. We're shooting the studio in Venice for two weeks. How great is that? It was amazing. That is an experience you're having. It makes me so jealous that you'd be part of something where you'd say your job is to go live in Venice. Yeah. And yeah, you're working. But then I'm sure there are times where you're not working and it's time to go watch someone blow glass and drink really good wine. So I just do know this is Venice Beach. Oh, fuck. Yeah. They had me stand in a motor and off leaving. Also, you have a travel show. Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I just remember. You know what? I just remember who I am. I thought I was Gallagher II, which is Gallagher's brother, who I think is dead. One of them is not with us anymore. I think neither one is with us now. Both went. I think Gallagher II went to Moran Gallagher and fell into the grave. This just sets up Gallagher III. This is finally his time to shine. And Gallagher III was there. And I was like, "I should probably pay my respects." No! Watermelon. No, what I'm saying is. I guess what I'm thinking about is when I do these travel shows, it's go-go-go all the time. But if I was playing a part and they said, "We don't need you for six hours," that would be very different. There was a couple of times. That never happens on the travel show. There was a couple times where I was not needed and I got to go explore Venice and I saw them blowing the glass and I went and drank a ton of spritzes. I had dinner with Michael Keaton. Wow, it's a big one. What was he there as part of the show? He was sitting with his girlfriend at a different table and I was sitting next to them and I kept saying, "Michael, it's like from the studio." And he didn't acknowledge me at any point. But we were in the same restaurant. This is the same thing you did to me at the pizza restaurant. Why don't you know? You actively said, "I want him gone." Michael completely ignored me the entire time. Good. Like I was next to them. You know what it's called in L.A. when someone's bothering you at a table? The Baron Holt. No, the other day I was in an in and out and I'm just trying to enjoy my shake and this guy gave me the full Baron Holt. I didn't know who the fuck he was. He turns out it was Michael Keaton. Hey, Conan, Conan. Remember me? I was in Batman. And I was like, "What do you give me the Baron Holt's for?" I'm trying to enjoy my shake. I'm trying to. I'm trying to sit at a table alone and enjoy my shake, it in and out. And you're giving me the full Baron Holt. Do you remember? I mean, this is who you are. This is my name's Sake and I'm fine with that. And it's something that my daughters will have to kind of carry with them throughout their life. Wasn't even booked today and he comes in and gives us the full Baron Holt's. I'm here. I'm here. Good luck getting rid of me now. I'm part of the show now. Jesus. I want to talk about this new project. Yes. You love trivia. I love trivia. You've always loved trivia. You're very good at trivia as you've proven. On these different shows. Are you good at trivia? I. Here's the thing about me. I don't. I know. I think I have a. My brain knows a lot of different strange things that shouldn't know. But I don't have command of it. Let's find out. I don't think I could just go. Bang! Bang! Bang! Let's find out. Because I brought something. Because I don't recall. You know, I'll be like. I'm not true. You would be. Well, let's try. Let's try that trivia. Here we go. So this is just. Trivial pursuit. I think this is like genius three. So I'm just going to run through these. What city's Lord and Taylor boasts the Wanna Maker Grand, the second largest pipe organ in the world? Yep. I think I know this. I don't know this at all. Wait, say it again. What's. I have no idea. I'm almost sure Chicago, because my Aunt Libby used to work at Lord and Taylor. Well, well. Okay, so the guy from Chicago takes the Chicago quest. He was wrong, it's Philadelphia. Okay, what hip-hop mogul used? I feel safe and white, because deep down inside, I'm an angel. Okay, I'm just going to go with Flavor Flive. That is. Just because we came up earlier. I came up earlier? No, the answer is a dear friend of mine, Sean Puffy Combs. I don't know, you are in the documentary. Yeah, yeah, but just for a minute. Yeah, giving him the advice, whatever you're doing, do it some more. Who became the first. Look at him move on. Anyway, next question. We'll get out of that part of this question. I don't know where, Lord and Taylor. Sean Puffy Combs. Who became the first female British royal to walk instead of ride in a family funeral procession in 2002? 2002. First British female royal. Well, it's not Fergie. We know that. It ain't Fergie, because she hates walking. It's just a little fun fact I know about her. 2002, she was on tour with the Black Eyed Peas, so it's not her. It's definitely not her. Yeah. But she is a royal. She is a royal. Half the people in the Black Eyed Peas. I don't know, I don't know her. A royal peon in the ass, if you know what I'm talking about. Let's see, which royal. Well, it wouldn't be Queen Elizabeth. There's no way she's breaking tradition. She's very traditional. You think she's going to get on a horse? No, she's walking instead of riding in the procession. She ain't walking that way. No, she ain't walking and Anne isn't walking. I think Anne's walking. You think Anne's walking? I think Anne's a walker. The answer is Princess Anne. Yeah! Incredible. How many. These are terrible questions. I don't know. This is trivial pursuits question. How many of every six stutterers are male? All. Well, I'm going to go with five. Five is the answer. What do you know that? What are you like a stuttering enthusiast? Which Grand Slam singles title had Monica Sellas failed to win during the 20th century? Which one did she not win? Well, you have first of all to know all of them. I'm just going to see Australian open. Australian open. I'm going to say US open. Wimbleton. Last question. What this is about a friend of yours. What hugely successful video was Joe Francis inspired to make after viewing a flasher tape sent in for his band from television video? This is your dear friend, Joe Francis. We are not friends. For business partners. Business partners. Okay. I saw what he was doing and I wanted in financially in a big way. And then I did everything I could to provide moral support. He made a lot of money. I wish we were better friends. Yes. What's it again? What's the name of the show? I believe it's Girl's Gone Wild. Yeah. And it is Girl's Gone Wild. Yeah. We have a clip. Listen. Sorry. If you had a Girl's Gone Wild clip, I would be. I'm like Paul Rubin instead of Mack and me. It's Girl's Gone Wild. All right. So let's get to your new project. There we go. Funny you ask. A weekly comedy trivia podcast. What's? And this is. This sounds like a labor of love for you. It is. I, for years, people were like, you should do a podcast. And I was like, I don't think the medium is going to work. And a couple of weeks ago, it was like the medium works. Right. So let's get into this now. We're not on the ground floor, but we're on like the 80th floor. Right. Right. I wanted to figure out a fun podcast. And I just couldn't think of like a fun hook. And then I was like, oh my God, what if I just wrote trivia questions for my friends? You write the trivia. Oh, I write the trivia. Not because not for me. I have a producer who writes the questions for me. So I don't see the questions on our system. But for my guests, what I will do is I will take three subjects you know a little bit about. So for you, what are some things that you wouldn't consider yourself an expert on, but you know a little bit about the Beatles. I know a lot about the Beatles. I mean, a lot about probably American history, 19th, 20th century. That kind of stuff. That's good. Sorry, sidetracked. Remember the last time I was on your show was Beatles Week. And Paul Simon saying, here comes the sun to me and you. It was a deeply romantic moment. What? That was not my show. That was your thinking your show, my friend. You know, you were here. I was here. Paul Simon was right here. Actually, no, you were here. Paul Simon was here. I was right here. And Paul Simon was in my lap. Remember that very clearly. He kept calling you Garfunkel. Yeah. He kept saying, are you art? Yeah. And you kept interjecting. And he said, what's you? You give me the full barren holds here. Remember that? I was trying to do my name. That was cool. He didn't even know who you were. But he knew he didn't know you were Ike Baronholds. He said, what's this fucking guy giving me the barren holds for? I'm trying to tell a story. So you would come on. I would write questions about the Beatles, American history, other things. And we would come on and have a fun conversation. And I will sporadically ask you trivia questions. And then you will ask me trivia questions. Then we do a big speed round. And so the guest shows up with their own trivia questions. No, my producer, your producer comes up with them. This sounds really fun. It's very, very fun. The reason I'm here is to ask if you will do mine. I don't have time. I don't have time. Okay. I'm not just today, but I don't have any time. I haven't been this busy since I was in Amsterdam. That's when that's 27 years ago. I'm like David Chicago. It looks like it's no time. Okay, we'll figure it out. There's a little bit of a discrepancy here between what you're saying. Remember, I have that thing. What is the thing? What has the thing ever been more clear? He's just swiping through, not just months, but years. He's just, he has a whole year on one page. And he's just swiping. I see nothing. I would be honored to do your show. I mean, it really is. I, you know, I so enjoy you. You are so funny. You're such a good fellow. You're always hilarious on my show. All the times you came on. So yes, the answer is yes, yes, a thousand times. And I feel like we are making really good headway into the friendship arena. This is the real reason I'm here. You know what? Be careful with this guy. And when I say this guy, I mean me. I am a slippery eel. You will probably never hear it from me again. I, I'm when I'm here in the zone. I'm all heat. And yes, yes, yes, yes. But then the minute you get out of here, I'm like, what's with that guy? And then an hour later, who was even on today, right? You completely disassociated within an hour of finishing. Within an hour. I don't know who was on, and it's David's job to bring me seven baked pheasants. And I just eat them. And there's a lot. There's an order line. You put the over your head so that God doesn't see your shame. Yeah, it doesn't seem my shame. No, I would love to come on. I would. And I do think we should be pals. Well, my God. I wasn't expecting that. Woo! Now, are you up in Santa Barbara a lot? We like to go there a couple of times a year. Yeah, I'm sure you have a house there. We have seven houses there. That's really building out. I just bought Oprah's house and kicked her out against her will. I bought it out from under her and I said, you've got an hour. But she's squatting now. She's actively squatting. She's roaming around. She's, yeah, she's hanging out in the garage. Yeah. She said, I didn't know. Oprah said this. I didn't know legally someone could buy your house without you letting them buy it. But you know what I did? I have a lot of money from these charity gigs I do. I clean up. And then I just buy rich people's houses and tell them to leave. So you can stay in one of my fifteen homes. We'll take you up on that. Never would save me some hotels. We love it up there. We love that Santa Barbara. What a beautiful, beautiful. It's not doing that for Santa Barbara. I'm just saying it's about a 90-minute drive from LA. There are no time. There's a beautiful downtown. Don't forget the Cherry Blossom Festival. Okay. Let's move on. I don't know how this guy from the tourism bureau got here. But just an enthusiast. Yeah. Sir, I wish you the best of luck with your new podcast. I will come on. I will be happy to come on. And just delighted to have you today. This was, this is just not work. I don't know what to call this, but it is not work. An easy Monday, right? Well, we don't say what day it is. I want to create the illusion that it's happening as people are hearing it. It's a good day. You know what? Just having a fun Monday, Tuesday, but in 2016, 2017, 2017, and this was a real honor. You are the funniest person of my generation. Jesus. Let's expand it a little. Why just your generation? See some of these quote, funny people from previous generations. They're not so funny. That's actually true. Yeah. I'm on. Look at them all. Let's just click it a little bigger. All generation. Thank you very much. I got what I wanted. Okay, this is part three of Blaygate, Aaron Blair's attempt. And this is to fraudulently use IRS loopholes to bankroll his childish fantasies. And we have Mr. David Melmeds here with us. And you are, are you a lawyer? I am. Yes. Okay. Because that's what we hired you to do. Yes. But you might have been here to fix the AC. And we just hired you. That's fraud. Yes. Okay. Anyway, let's get back into this. What I think is a major scandal. Royaling our podcast. So what are we talking about? I will think. Can I write all that off? Anything I mentioned on this podcast, can I write it off based on blaze logic? Maybe. Based on blaze logic. Yeah. Maybe based on the law. And again, I'm not, let me just, I'm not a tax expert or an accountant. So this is just, wait a minute. Wait a minute. But why did I bring you in? I actually, no, no. I have a cursory sort of understanding of what we're doing here. Because I also am familiar with the tax. This is ridiculous. No, he's going to say interesting things. I'm trying to understand exactly how fission works. I got a squirrel here. This is for the. This is my protecting the myself and the show. So if someone hears this and said, Oh, I'm going to start writing off x, y and z. Right. I'm just saying. I maybe don't do this at home. Do you not do it? Yes. Correct. So personal expenses that are not related to the podcast, you cannot write off. So if you're bringing edibles, I think I heard that segment for for Conan, right? Yeah. That would probably work more into production than on air, right? So and where production costs can affect Conan. And I am the opinion that we are here to manage Conan, right? Yeah. They could eat into. Yeah. You know, if it weren't for you and for play, I don't think I'd make it in this business. But through your wise counsel, though, you're clearly not an expert in anything. And through plays, incredible work of buying these due dads. Yes. Yes. And shoving them into the conversation. Correct. Like it's with a crowbar. I don't know that I would have a career at all. I think that's why we're that's why we're here. No. So I'm saying Blake, maybe I think you have to separate yourself into when you are bringing something on the show, are you in your role as a producer or as an on air personality? Can I ask you a specific question? You can. Okay. And are you a producer? I call myself a producer. What is your title? I don't know. What do you mean you don't know your title? I thought you were here to get lunch. Oh my god. I kept wondering, where is the lunch? Wait, I just want to ask that kid was getting his food. Can I ask a moment of specific question? Okay. So like for instance, we talked about how I watch Bane clips on a plane. Great. Okay. Which I love Bane's. I watch a lot of Bane clips. Big fan of Bane. Now, that's been established on the podcast as a bit. Okay. Now, can I, there's a real question. Can I buy a Bane mask as a follow up and write that off? Because it's been established on the podcast. Can I buy a Bane mask? I would say maybe. I think that should all be submitted ahead of time. I think what might be a problem here, Blay, and I say this with all respect is that you are this untethered child running around having these ideas and swiping a credit card and I think that's potentially problematic. Could be. What I think you should do is you should go to Adam, I'm invoking you, and you should say here's my idea. I want to buy a baing mask. They're $9.99 and I think it'd be a good segment and then you can think about it and maybe you can approach me and we can have a discussion. I totally agree. The whole thing, I mean, I think we have established, I think, that blaze committing fraud, but the one. What I am hearing though from David and David, tell me from wrong. It's very like tail wagging the dog, right? It should start as the show wants to do X, Y and Z. So let's go out and buy the necessary supplies, curiosities, whatever it is so that we can make that happen so we can execute on it. But to do it the other way around, which is we're buying a bunch of random curiosities and let's see if the show can do that feels like it's in violation of whatever. Yes, I think that is exactly. I think that's a very good way to articulate not to say that what you're doing hurts the show. I'm just saying if you're looking to write off certain items, probably go about it the way that Adam described it. So I guess my next question is can I have a company card to do that? I'm going to ask if you got a corp card. I don't, but it would help I think with this situation, don't you guys think? I think I can put that sword on a company card. I think you need a real accountant. Yeah, I took for a company card flat. No, wait a second. There's no way you're getting it. I was like, it's so that had a company card to put a bunch of watches on and puts lunches on. Yes, she has what to do. Yeah, yes, what she's on it. I sure do. First of all, I knew that was the deal when I hired Sonia. That's what comes with Sonia. Is that her contract? No, I mean, she's like Zorba the Greek. You know, she needs to have access to all the things that make her sonia. I think it's a little presumptuous to think that you should be entitled to those same things. I just do. I'm just saying, like, okay, I bought a big Medusa skull, okay? You're not helping yourself. You're just trusting me to write them on. But but but but but a Medusa skull you have forever. Sonia just has a much. Medusa skull you have forever. No, you don't. Yes, I do. You have it until you get married and she throws that shit out, but you launch you just eat once and you're done. I mean, they're business lunches. They are. We talk business. Can I ask a question? So we have David here. We should take advantage of it. What are are there things that we should be writing off that we're all that we're not? Well, let me okay. So lunches. This is lunches. Lunches. Yes. I do you guys a favor. I would say anything to manage Conan who can be written off. When did I become you're on your tightest beam? No, no, no, no, no, no. You're on it. When did I become this virulent strain that must be contained? Oh no, a Conan got loose from the lab. That is. That's the way the IRS sees you are on air talent and we are here to manage you. So anything we do to manage the IRS knows that I'm a toss. I love it. Well, you're okay. So to answer your question now, anything that sort of costs to create, produce, protect the show is deductible, right? Anything sort of personal performance, the consequences of wrongdoing, we cannot. Consequences of wrongdoing. Well, meaning you're bringing a mask on the show for we have to say, what's the intent? What's the, if you're bringing it on to have a potential write off, I would say, if you're, if we've discussed the segment, right? First, and then you bring it on to sort of you, then I'm going to say maybe. So being masked might be something I could do. It might, but I would probably bring that up first. Then just bring it on and start talking about it. Don't you want it? Can't you just ask why not just pay for the Bane mask? It's, why do you need Uncle Sam's help? You're well compensated and you should take pride in spending your own money on something as precious as a Bane mask. You shouldn't need to invoke some weird castle that you think you found to the IRS code to do it. Why not just be a real man and when you buy a Bane mask? In the true tradition of being a man, like a real man, when you go to buy, you know, your, whatever, it's a bumblebee head. Or when you, when you go to buy, you know, oh, it's, it's, you know, the vision from Marvel Comics. I want to buy his panties. Why, why can't you just be a real man and say, this is what I want to feel good about me. And buy yourself. He's an Android. It doesn't wear panties. I think so to, to just summerize underwear panties, in terms of what the art. So these are sort of personal lifestyle expenses, which are not deductible. I think. And so that's okay. I'm putting it into, unless, unless, unless, unless, and this is play, you'd have to accept this. Okay. But if you could prove that this was an illness of his deficiency, sure. If you could prove that this was some kind of a handicap, sure, something he can't help because something stunted, something that developed like a medical, like a medical, like a medical spend kind of neurological. Yeah. Okay. But he never grew into a real real adult. And he's trapped in this cycle of just more toys and more ephemera and more bullshit. And he just won't break free of that and won't go out into the world and, and really realize himself as an adult. Yeah. He can't, then this could be possibly his version of a wheelchair or crutches or a special seat that happens to sit on the toilet because he can't make a poopy without it. And the pony get a text credit for employing. Yes. Okay. I think we cracked it here. And I think we've been in the red for a while now, which means we've gone way too long. We'll probably have to lose some of your talking play when you defend yourself. I do think the real criminal here is Blaze Mom. I think that she's, I think Mary Blair needs to go to prison. I think she is absolutely criminal. I agree. I agree too. Yeah. By, by, and look, we wonder why he's infantilized. And she's sending his taxes to turbo. Yeah. Yeah. When she get a diaper you ask, you know, how she insists on doing it. She wants to make sure that my bottom is talcum properly. So, yeah, if I can write him off, let's write off the blipers investigation. Can I write a investigation into Mary Blair? Well, I'm going to end this right now. Blaze, I find you guilty and no corporate car. I agree with that. Thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Cessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. 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